Help Your Partner Work Past Sexual Abuse

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How To Help Your Partner Work Past Sexual Abuse

July 8, 2015 by Jordan Gray 13 Comments
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-to-help-your-partner-work-through-past-sexual-abuse-jgc/ 1/21
Jordan Gray says that the resulting emotions le t over from sexual abuse can be
healed with these three, loving steps.

Although this is the rst time Ive written about it publicly, the issue of sexual abuse is one that is very important to me.
I have had multiple friends and lovers who have had sexual abuse in their past (either early childhood or later in life) and, with the
average statistic saying that 1 in 3 women have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime, chances are you know someone who has
been sexually abused in some way as well.
Sexual abuse, in any of its various forms, often leaves the victim with a combination of feelings of shame, guilt, anger, and
resentment. Its quite common (especially if they were abused in their younger years) for the victim to internalize the experience
and make it say something bad about themselves individually.
When this emotional residue/trauma gets stuck in the mind of the victim it often manifests itself later in life in the form of sexual
blocks blocks that keep the person emotionally and sexually repressed, never wanting to fully open for fear of facing the
underlying hurt that still exists within them.
The repressed trauma might reveal itself as an unwillingness to fully relax, receive, or open during sexual intimacy or they might
cry every time they orgasm or maybe they have a deep fear of letting you touch a certain part of their body. Any of those three
things can be totally healthy in certain contexts, but if its a constant theme and they want to be able to move through it, then this
article is for you the two of you.
All toxic emotions can be melted through with enough time, love, and patience and the feelings that surround sexual abuse are no
different.
I have had the privilege of helping many of my former lovers work through some deep-seeded toxic shame that was placed on them
from past sexual abuse and, while I am not a registered sex therapist, I have found with 100% consistency that the following
methods work wonderfully for helping people work through any difcult emotions resulting from sexual abuse.
Here are three steps you can take to help your partner work through their stuck emotions from past sexual abuse.
1. Come to the relationship having worked through your own stu f enough to have compassion for them
If you have faced yourself and felt the majority of your own previously feared feelings with love and compassion, it will be that
much easier for you to face your partner with love. In other words, if you dont fear the full spectrum of your own emotions then
you wont fear your partners full spectrum of emotions either.
Its very challenging to be able to really hold space for someone elses experience if you dont give yourself the same liberty to feel
your feelings without judgment. So make sure that (whether through journalling, talk based therapy, or working with a trusted
coach) you have done your own work and come to a place of love and acceptance with yourself rst.
2. Be a safe, non-shaming space for them to talk to about their past experiences from day one
Come into your relationship with the overarching intention that your relationship is a safe space and one of the major purposes of
the relationship is to allow for each others healing. Make sure that you both understand that emotions lash out sometimes and they
may manifest themselves in strange thoughts, words, or ideas, but that thoughts arent necessarily truth, and any and all emotions
that come up are valid and beautiful in their own right.
Those were some long sentences. What Im saying is that whatever you or your partner feel, its all good. Its all welcome. Its all
okay to express.
Whatever might come up for them, in or out of the bedroom, is 100% acceptable and loveable. Setting this foundation from day one
will make the following step that much easier (not that you necessarily need it to be easy intentional relationships are deep and
vital work, and that doesnt always mean that its going to be easy).
3. When your partner's old emotional wound comes up in bed, embrace it and encourage their emotions with full love
and acceptance
Some of the most common emotional experiences that tack themselves on to the victim of sexual abuse are shame and guilt and
both of these emotions make the victim want to push people away. They might experience the feelings (or themselves) as wrong,
disgusting, or somehow inherently damaged beyond all repair. In order for the shame to keep thriving, they may try to put more
distance between the two of you. Either by keeping the emotions hidden, or even by physically pushing you away when they feel
the most triggered.
Lets say that when your partner has an orgasm from penetrative sex (male or female) they cry after orgasm (especially deeper
orgasms like G-spot or cervical) and feel intense shame. Their shame voice may tell them to push you away or to retreat internally
(i.e. hide and internalize something that shame is very good at). Shame thrives in solitude, and is doused and eradicated by love
and acceptance.
When your partner begins to cry, envelope them energetically, emotionally, and physically. Wrap your arms around them. Kiss
them. Tell them how much you love them.
Encourage the fullness of their emotional release. Tell them that youve got them, and that you love them. Tell them their tears are
beautiful. Tell them that theyre safe. Tell them to let it all out. Let them have the fullest expression of their emotional release as
possible (as much as they are willing to let out in each session of emotional release as there is no rush for them to melt through
whatever there is to melt through).
Let it come, and love them through it.
When you envelope their fear, shame, guilt, or sadness in love and acceptance, it will melt away the sexual shame. Guaranteed. Not
necessarily in one round of healing, but sooner than you each thought possible.
Remember, relationships are ultimately about healing and growing.
And sex is equally, if not more, healing. The way we show up in bed is a microcosm of how we live our lives. And if you can help
your partner open up more fully and be less afraid of their emotions, past, and sexuality, dont be surprised if you see them open up
more throughout their entire lives after healing their sexual trauma. Ive known clients that have had full life/career turnarounds
after transformative, deeply healing sex with their compassionate, non-shaming partner. They felt like they were allowed to be
their authentic selves for the rst time since childhood. Because thats the power of sex and relationship.
Love them. Accept them. Let them feel whatever they need to feel. And be there to hold them through it.
This is how we heal the world. One loving embrace at a time.
This post originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo courtesy of DollarPhotoClub.com
Filed Under: Featured Content, Sex & Relationships

Tagged With: abuse, core emotional wounds, embrace, emotional healing, heal abuse, heal shame, healing emotional wounds, help your
partner, help your partner heal, how to heal abuse, how to heal emotional wounds, how to heal shame, how to move past pain, loving
embrace, move past hurt, old emotional wounds, partner work, past sexual abuse, PTSD, resulting emotions, sex, Sex & Relationships,
sexual abuse, sexual assault, sexual health, sexuality
About Jordan Gray

Sex and relationship coach Jordan Gray helps people remove their emotional blocks and maintain thriving intimate
relationships. When he's not coaching clients or writing new books, Jordan loves to pretend he's good at surng, immerse
himself in new cultures, and savour slow-motion hang outs with his closest companions. You can see more of his writing at
JordanGrayConsulting.com
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13 Comments on "How To Help Your Partner Work Past Sexual Abuse"
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Shar
Guest
Shar
years days ago
Thank you for such a beautifully written article Jordan. I love how you draw from your experience and are brave enough to share your
personal stories. Well done.
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Guest
Barbara Banfield
years days ago
Thank you Jordan for writing this article. Your compassion, understanding, insight, and experience with helping partners with a history of
sexual abuse heal is very much appreciated. I have a history of incest and sexual assault. Healing has been an lifelong process. I have explored a
wide variety of healing modalities all of which have helped tremendously. The most difcult and critical part of healing is within a
relationship. My ex-husband (who also had a history of abuse) left the marriage at a pivotal point. Although I have had a couple of partners that
were more compassionate than others,Read more
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Guest
W.R.R.
years days ago
My thought exactly, James Carter. Im a survivor. Men are 1 in 6, and probably more due to how few men ever dare to come forward. Also, while
this article has some good advice, it is far too simplistic and pat, and the guaranteed aspect is downright ridiculous. Having a hug it out
session can be great, but it doesnt x my emotional and sexual damage guaranteed. Im in long term therapy for my many abuse problems, and
therapy can help with a licensed and experienced doctor who works with abuse victims like me. Also, I have many physicalRead more
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Guest
silke
years days ago
W.R.R I agree with everything you say and I also hate it when Jordan uses his past lovers as examples. This is not professional but sound pretty
self absorbed. To deal with the damage of sexual abuse is far more difcult than what Jordan seems to think and he is also ignorant about
symptoms or problems is causes. And he forgot males with this background as well. Yesterday I looked back on my life and saw three of my
romantic relationships has been with men that told me about their sexual abuse history. Maybe I have also know men andRead more
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Guest
silke
years days ago
typo
maybe I have known men that never told anyone
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Guest
James Carter
years days ago
Why no mention of male victims?
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Guest
Erin
years days ago
Why do male victims have to be talked about in this article? Not mentioning men who are victims of sexual abuse is now a crime of inequality
onto itself? Does every article that addresses the abuse of one gender have to include the other to be fair? Arent there articles on GMP that
strictly address the abuse of men? Isnt it totally okay when an article stands alone to address mens experiences alone or a womens? These are
honest questions if you are so inclined to discuss them with me. I can only assume that Jordon is giving heterosexual menRead more
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Guest
W.R.R.
years days ago
Erin, if Jordan had specied it was meant for non-victim heterosexual men to give them advice in how to help their female partners, I wouldnt
have left my comment. To me, he is using a broad general title and then going on with article as if only women are victims. If it is for male
partners of female survivors, it should say so in the title, or in the rst paragraph. I have written a few articles here for male survivors. I have
also read other articles that were intended for male survivors where several women commented on how itRead more
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Guest
Erin
years days ago
W.R.R. thank you, I appreciate your acknowledgement that I try to be respectful of others. I appreciate us being able to have this kind of
conversation. I would truly be interested in reading and learning from your story and experience with abuse. Can you point me to the titles you
wrote? I dont fully understand why Jordan would have to specify that this article was meant for non-victim heterosexual men. But is that
what youd like from GMP? For every article that is henceforth written about male or female or transgender experience be approached with a
disclaimer about whoRead more
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Guest
W.R.R.
years day ago
I had a little trouble following what you were saying, but if I understood you correctly, I can concede that disclaimers and long drawn out
specic target titles might get exhausting. A wonderful friend of mine who helps me a lot with trying to grasp how the world works, explained
this concept to me with the terms hippos and elephants (just to take some of the charged emotions out of it that get attached to other terms).
Some articles are to/for/about hippos, and other articles are to/for/about elephants. Some are about both, but thats another topic. The point is,
ifRead more
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Guest
James Carter
years days ago
Men are sexually abused as well. Why just focus on women?
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Guest
nancy
years days ago
GOOD point!! I also think the statistics are much higher, as I know it happens much more than is reported!!
| Share REPLY
Guest
Karen
years days ago
He alludes to it here:
Lets say that when your partner has an orgasm from penetrative sex (male or female) they cry after orgasm
Everything about the advice portion of the article is gender neutral, and he framed this by highlighting that his primary experience is with his
former lovers. Additionally, he doesnt claim to be a therapist. This article is clearly meant to be a starting point for couples.
If you want a different article, take your experience and research and write it.
| Share REPLY
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7/16/2017 How To Help Your Partner Work Past Sexual Abuse -

How To Help Your Partner Work Past Sexual Abuse

Let it come, and love them through it.

Remember, relationships are ultimately about healing and growing.

This is how we heal the world. One loving embrace at a time.

This post originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com

Photo courtesy of DollarPhotoClub.com

Filed Under: Featured Content, Sex & Relationships

About Jordan Gray

13 Comments on "How To Help Your Partner Work Past Sexual Abuse"

avatar Join the discussion

Sort by: newest | oldest | most voted

Why no mention of male victims?

Men are sexually abused as well. Why just focus on women?

The Unexpected, Reluctant Father

The Sexist Stigma Against Depressed Menand How to Fight It

5 Ways Men Can Help Close the Gender Pay Gap

The Lessons of Loving a Survivor

My Wife Wants Space What am I Supposed to Do Now?

Son, When I Was Your Age, I Was Drunk Out Of My Head

My Ex-Wife now Smiles When I say Hello

Love is Not in the Air

Modern Journalism: Concept of Balance

Coming out of the Spiritual Closet

This Dad and His Baby Have Won Our Hearts

Keeping it Together When Your Wife Has Cancer

David Jones Shooting Investigation Has No End in Sight

9 Ways to Heal Your Shame and Find Love

My #1 Tip for Every Date You Ever Go on

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