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[title of show] [authors names]

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Crazy For You
Music: George Gershwin
Lyrics: Ira Gershwin
Book: Ken Ludwig
Premiere: Wednesday, February 19, 1992
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CAST OF CHARACTERS

BOBBY CHILD
New York, young man in love with musical theater

BELA ZANGLER
New York, an established producer

LANK HAWKINS
Nevada, saloon proprietor

EVERETT BAKER
Polly's father

POLLY BAKER
Deadrock, Nevada postmistress, "All American Girl"

IRENE ROTH
New York Society debutant

EUGENE FODOR
An English tourist

PATRICIA FODOR
Eugene's sister

MOTHER (Mrs. Lottie Child)


Bobby's business-oriented and controlling parent

PERKINS
Mother's business assistant

CHAUFFEUR
:for Mother's limousine

CAST OF CHARACTERS (continued)

10 FOLLIES GIRLS - CHORUS

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TESS
Dance director, Zangler's favorite
PATSY
Showgirl with high speaking voice
MITZI
A principal dancer
ELAINE
LOUISE
SUSIE
BETSY
MARGIE
SHEILA
VERA

10 COWBOYS - CHORUS
HARRY (Bartender)
PETE
CUSTUS
JIMMY

Cowboy Trio:
MOOSE
MINGO
SAM

Card Players:
BILLY
WYATT
JUNIOR

NEW YORK THEATRE STAGE MANAGER


STAGE HANDS
4 SHOW GIRLS
2 LACKEYS FOR ZANGLER
3 MOTHER'S DIRECTORS

NEW YORK PASSING STREET CROWDS


NEVADA PASSING STREET CROWDS

MUSICAL NUMBERS
ACT ONE

A. OVERTURE - Orchestra
B. INCIDENTAL: Before Opening - Orchestra
1. K-RA-ZY for You - Bobby
2. I Can't Be Bothered Now - Bobby & Girls

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2. (cont'd) PLAYOFF: Bothered - Orchestra


2a. SCENE CHANGE: After Bothered - Orchestra
3. Bidin' My Time - Cowboy Trio (Mingo, Moose, Sam) & Men
3a. INCIDENTAL: Bobby Staggers In - Orchestra
4. Things Are Looking Up - Bobby
4a. INCIDENTAL: After Things - Piano Solo
5. Could You Use Me? - Bobby & Polly
5 (cont'd) Shall We Dance? - Bobby & Polly
5a. SCENE CHANGE: Shall We Dance? - Music Box
6. Girls Enter Nevada [Bronco Busters] - Chorus
7. Someone to Watch Over Me - Polly
8. INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass - Piano with ad lib. Drums
9. Slap That Bass - Bobby (as Zangler) & Company
10. Embraceable You - Polly & Bobby (as Zangler)
11. Tonight's the Night - Chorus
12. I Got Rhythm - Polly & Company
12-I Dance Part One: I Got Rhythm - Polly & Company
12-II Dance Part two: I Got Rhythm - Company
ACT TWO

13. Entr'acte: The Real American Folk Song Is a Rag - Cowboy Trio & Chorus
13 (cont'd) INCIDENTAL: American Rag - Piano solo
14. What Causes That - Bobby & Zangler
14a. SCENE CHANGE - Bobby Wakes Up - Orchestra
15. Naughty Baby - Irene, Lank & male Quartet (Harry, Junior, Wyatt & Mingo)
15a. INCIDENTAL: Crazy for You - Music box
[There is no musical number 16]
17. Stiff Upper Lip - Eugene, Patricia, Bobby, Polly & Company
18. They Can't Take That Away From Me - Bobby
19. But Not For Me - Polly
19 (cont'd) Reprise: But Not for Me - Polly
19a. SCENE CHANGE: New Promenade - Orchestra
20. Nice Work If You Can Get It - Bobby & Girls
21. Bidin' My Time (French Reprise) - Cowboy Trio
22. Reprise: Things are Looking Up - Everett
23. Finale - Company
24. Curtain Calls - Full Company
25. EXIT MUSIC - Orchestra

A. Overture
ACT ONE
B. INCIDENTAL: Before Opening (Optional)
Scene One

Wings and Stage of Zangler's Broadway Theater, the wings in the foreground, and the
stage in the background. Onstage, a show is in progress. In the wings,

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STAGEHANDS are working the lights, STAGE MANAGER calling cues, etc. As the
curtain rises, TESS, the Dance Director, is drilling four SHOW GIRLS in a short
routine.

1. Opening: K-RA-ZY For You

TESS (over the music)


Shoulders back! Heads high! One last time1

(As soon as the SHOW GIRLS leave the wings and parade onto the stage, TESS
looks around to see if Bobby has arrived. She looks at her watch with concern, then
calls to PATSY, a very dumb SHOW GIRL with a high, squeaky voice.)

TESS
Patsy! Where's Bobby?! He should have been here two hours ago!

PATSY
I know! I saw him yesterday, and he was all excited about the audition for Mr.
Zangler.

TESS (looking off)


Wait! There he is!

(BOBBY CHILD, dressed as a banker, hurries on, into the wings, pulling off his
overcoat.)

PATSY
Bobby!

BOBBY
Oh, my god! Did I make it?! Is Zangler still here?!

PATSY
Yeah, ya still got five minutes.

BOBBY
Great

TESS
Bobby, what happened?!

BOBBY
They kept me late at the bank. But I've got my tap shoes on! This time Zangler's
going to be dazzled. He's going to hire me on the spot!

(At this point, the number "onstage" is over, and BELA ZANGLER enters the wings.

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This great impresario is an imposing dapper man with a moustache, beard and
Hungarian accent. BOBBY sees him -)

BOBBY
Mr. Zangler!

(:but TESS and PATSY stop BOBBY from bothering ZANGLER just yet. A trumpet
fanfare, the STAGE MANAGER takes ZANGLER'S cigar, and ZANGLER sweeps
onstage to make his curtain speech. ZANGLER raises his arms, and the "applause"
dies down.)

ZANGLER
Ladies and gentlemen. Vell vell vell. My name is Bela Zangler.

(Applause.)

Thank you for coming to Zangler Follies - our final performance of the season, and I
hope you vill all be here in just eight veeks for vonderful new show!

(Wild applause as ZANGLER leaves the stage and the company bows begin. As soon
as ZANGLER gets to the wings, BOBBY tries again.)

ZANGLER
Tessie!

BOBBY
Mr. Zangler, could I see you a min -

ZANGLER
I must talk now to dance director about very important professional matter!

BOBBY
Right.

(Bobby moves away, and ZANGLER pulls TESS aside.)

ZANGLER (Business-like)
Tessie.

TESS
Yes, Mr. Zangler?

(ZANGLER makes sure they're not overheard; then says with passion:

ZANGLER
Tessie, I love you.

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TESS
Bela -!

ZANGLER
Vhat do you say ve have intimate supper?

TESS
I'm not hungry.

ZANGLER
Tessie, please! You make me crazy!

TESS
And how is Mrs. Zangler?

ZANGLER
I am sorry to say, she is in excellent health.

(TESS walks away.)

ZANGLER
Tessie!

(By this time the FOLLIES GIRLS are leaving the stage in a line, past ZANGLER.)

MITZI
Vacation!

FOLLIES GIRLS
Goodnight, Mr. Zangler.
Goodnight, Mr. Zangler.
Goodnight, Mr. Zangler.

(And at the end of the line is BOBBY.)

BOBBY
Hi, Mr. Zangler.

ZANGLER
Not you again.

BOBBY
I'm here to audition.

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ZANGLER
Not now!

(ZANGLER starts to leave. By this time, BOBBY and ZANGLER are alone onstage.)

BOBBY
Mr. Zangler! You don't understand. When I go to your office, they throw me out.

(Music fades out.)

ZANGLER
Good. I give them a raise.

BOBBY
Would you wait a second!

ZANGLER
Mr. Child. Vhy are you vesting my time?!

BOBBY (indicating the theater around him:)


Because this is my life! It's all I care about!

(BOBBY'S conviction makes even ZANGLER pause.)

Now look, you're going to love this. I promise. Just - just - okay. Okay?

ZANGLER
:Okay.

BOBBY
Would you hold this? Thanks.

(He hands ZANGLER his coat and hat.)

Here goes.

(BOBBY takes a breath - then launches into his audition, dancing as he sings:)

1. Opening: K-RA-ZY For You

BOBBY
Let me give you the low down:
(Orchestra accompaniment picks up again under vocal.)

I'm k-ra-zy for you.


When it comes to a show down -

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I'm k-ra-zy for you.


And so though love may not inspire my lingo
Still it's making my heart go
Let me give you the low down
I'm k-ra-zy for -

(Music out.)

Hold on for the big finish!

ZANGLER (bored and annoyed:)


I'm holding, I'm holding.

(BOBBY does an elaborate tap routine. Halfway through it, ZANGLER pointedly
looks at his watch. BOBBY finishes the routine with a slam, literally nose-to-nose
with ZANGLER. Orchestra short chord at finish of BOBBY's routine, then music
out.)

BOBBY
Now what do you say to that?!

ZANGLER
Foot -

BOBBY
Huh?

ZANGLER
Foot:You are standing on my foot!

BOBBY
Oh, sorry:

ZANGLER
You are a moron!

(He starts to exit.)

BOBBY
Mr. Zangler! : Look, I-I-I realize I'm an unknown, here in New York. But I have
potential!

ZANGLER
Ya. You could be unknown all over America!

(ZANGLER strides off, and BOBBY runs after him. As they exit, music picks up

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again for scene change as the set changes. Scene change music fades out as GIRLS
enter.)

Scene Two

Street in front of the Zangler Theater, five minutes later. As the lights come up,
BOBBY and some of the FOLLIES GIRLS are leaving the stage door in their street
clothes. Also on the street is IRENE ROTH, dressed in fur, waiting for BOBBY.

TESS
Hey, Bobby. Just forget about him.

PATSY
Cheer up! He's not worth it.

BOBBY
Who knew he had big feet!

IRENE
Hello, Bobby.

BOBBY (Without turning, recognizing the steely voice:)


Irene. Hi:

IRENE
Say good-night to the ladies, Bobby.

BOBBY
Now wait a second - !

PATSY
We'll see ya later.

TESS
We've gotta go anyway. 'Night, Bobby.

THE GIRLS
Good-night, Bobby. God night. (etc.)

(And the GIRLS are gone.)

IRENE
Bobby, it is time you gave up all this dancing nonsense and settled down!

BOBBY

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Nonsense -?!

IRENE
We have been engaged for five years. Now when are we getting married?!

BOBBY
We're not.

IRENE
Of course we are.

BOBBY
Oh no we're not.

IRENE
Don't be ridiculous. I have the wedding all planned. The guest list is up to nine
hundred.

BOBBY
Great. Big crowd. You won't even miss me.

(At this moment, ZANGLER exits from the stage door with two of his lackeys.
Simultaneously, a limousine starts to enter.)

ZANGLER
Ve start next veek -

BOBBY
Mr. Zangler! I'm sorry about your foot -!

(ZANGLER turns to BOBBY - and almost gets run down by the limousine.)

ZANGLER
Moron!

(IRENE pulls OBBY away, and ZANGLER exits down the street. The limousine
pulls up, the CHAUFFEUR opens the back door, and BOBBY'S MOTHER gets out,
followed by PERKINS, her assistant. BOBBY and IRENE don't see them.)

IRENE
Now I want you to promise me: from the day we're married, you will work in the
bank.

BOBBY
But I don't want to work in the bank! That's my mother's idea! I mean that's the
trouble. Nobody in the theater takes me seriously! Well if my mother was here right

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now, you know what I'd say to her? Huh?! I'd say: "MOTHER!!"

MOTHER
Yes, Bobby?

BOBBY
My God, you look well. That coat is just -

MOTHER
I knew I'd find you here.

IRENE
Lottie, dear, I am talking to Bobby.

MOTHER
Well, so am I!

IRENE
Then get in line!

MOTHER
Bobby, in the ten years since you left Harvard, you have accomplished nothing.

IRENE
He got engaged to me.

MOTHER (to BOBBY)


You have accomplished less than nothing. Now the Board of Directors and I have
decided to give you one last chance. If you fail the bank this time, I will cut off your
allowance.

IRENE
When he's married to me, he won't need an allowance.

MOTHER
No, he'll need a psychiatrist.
(To Bobby:)
Now this is a deed of property.

PERKINS
We'd like it signed.

BOBBY
Fine! Do you have a pen?

MOTHER

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Not by you, you idiot! By some other idiot who lives in:
(Consulting the document.)
Deadrock, Nevada. I want you to go there immediately and get him to sign it.

BOBBY
Nevada?!

PERKINS
It will save the bank quite a sum in foreclosure costs.

BOBBY
But who cares?! I want to dance. I don't care about money.

(MOTHER gasps and clutches her heart. PERKINS catches her.)

BOBBY
I'm sorry, Mother, I'm sorry:

IRENE
He will go to Nevada over my dead body!

MOTHER
That sounds like an excellent route. :Bobby, get in the car!

MOTHER IRENE
I will cut off your Darling, don't even listen
allowance if you do not go to her. I've got the
to Nevada, first thing wedding all planned. You'll
tomorrow morning! Now I wear a morning coat and I'll
don't want to hear any go strapless. It's all the
nonsense about it -! rage -

(During the argument PERKINS and CHAUFFEUR cross upstage and unobtrusively
make their exit. BOBBY tunes the argument out, music intro. Starts, their voices fade
away, and BOBBY sings:)

2. I Can't Be Bothered Now

BOBBY
Bad news go 'way!
Call 'round some day
In March or May -
I can't be bothered now.

My bonds and shares


May fall downstairs -

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Who cares, who cares?


I'm dancing and I can't be bothered now!

(MOTHER pulls BOBBY into the car, and IRENE follows them.)

MOTHER IRENE
If you do not listen to me, I have gone out of my way
young man, you will find To give your feelings every
yourself without an Possible consideration -
allowance -

(In his dream fantasy, BOBBY rises out of the car and ends up dancing on the roof.)

BOBBY
I'm up among the stars;
On earthly things I frown
I'm throwing off the bars
That held me down.
I'll pay the piper
When times are riper.
Just now I shan't -
Because you see I'm dancing and I can't -
be bothered now!

(Dance break. BOBBY raises the hood of the car and a FOLLIES GIRL jumps out.
He dances with her. Then the rest of the FOLLIES GIRLS emerge from the car, as
they enter dancing and singing, they ad lib., "Hi, Bobby," etc.)

BOBBY
Music is the magic that makes everything sunshiny
Dancing makes my troubles all seem tiny.
When I m dancing I don't care if this old world stops turning,
Or if my bank is burning,
Or even if Rumania
Wants to fight Albania!
I'm not upset,
I refuse to fret.

THE GIRLS
He's not upset

(Telephone rings.)

BOBBY
Oh, no!

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THE GIRLS
And he'll refuse to fret.
Hello!

BOBBY
That's for me?!
(GIRLS babble.)

ONE GIRL (to BOBBY:)


It's for you!

BOBBY
Take a message!

THE GIRLS
Bad news go 'way!
Call 'round some day
In March or May -
He can't be bothered now.

BOBBY (shouted:)
I can't be bothered now!

(Dance break.)

THE GIRLS
He's dancing watch him shine,
You'll have to hold the Iine

(Dance break.)

GIRLS A GIRLS B
He'll pay the piper He'll pay the piper
When times are riper. When times are riper.
Just now, he shan't - When times are riper.
He'll pay the piper
Just now, he shan't -
Just now, he shan't -

BOBBY
Because you see I'm dancing...
(Telephone rings.)
Because you see I'm dancing...
(Telephone rings.)
Because you see I'm dancing...

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THE GIRLS (Chanted:)


Bad news, go away
Call 'round someday
In March or May -
Who cares about his shares
That fall downstairs
Who cares, who cares?
Who cares, who cares?
He can't be bothered
Won't be bothered
Shan't be bothered
Can't be bothered now
Not now!
Not now!
He can't be bothered...

(Tap break.)

Now!
Goodbye!!

(Music segues on applause.)

2. (cont'd) PLAYOFF: Bothered - Orchestra

(As the number ends, PERKINS & CHAUFFEUR re-enter and wait beside the car.
The GIRLS dance back into the car, and BOBBY sinks back in through the roof. Then
BOBY, MOTHER and IRENE immediately emerge from the car.)

MOTHER IRENE
Bobby, I want you to go to She's completely insane!
Nevada at once and forget all I've got the colors
This marriage nonsense! picked out for the
wedding and they're blue
and white!

IRENE
So which is it, Bobby? Me or Deadrock?

(BOBBY looks at MOTHER, then back at IRENE.)

BOBBY (undecided:)
Oh boy:

(Frustrated, he snatches the deed of property from MOTHER and runs down the
street.)

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BOBBY
TAXI!!

(Music starts.)

Grand Central Station!!

2a. SCENE CHANGE: After Bothered - Orchestra

(MOTHER smiles, IRENE scowls and exits. As the lights fade, PERKINS &
CHAUFFEUR get into the car, and the limo drives off - without MOTHER - and she
chases it down the street.)

Scene Three
Main Street, Deadrock, morning. A sleepy little Western town in the middle of
nowhere. Along the street, there are two adjoining buildings of particular interest. The
sign on one says: "Saloon, Hotel and Restaurant." The other building is a former
theater, once quite grand, now gone to seed. Above the entrance is a sign that says:
"Gaiety Theater" - but there's another sign below it that says "U.S. Post Office."
Across the street is the General Store. At the end of the street, we see the desert
stretching into the distance.

3. Bidin' My Time

As the set falls into place around them, THREE COWBOYS - 1930's style - and
POLLY BAKER enter on the back of an old pickup truck singing the laziest song
imaginable. Also onstage are several other COWBOYS sitting around doing nothing
(as usual.) Sitting on the porch of the theater is EVERETT BAKER, a gentle,
befuddled man in his 60s, reading a yellowing copy of "Variety." As the truck enters
Deadrock, it runs over a rattlesnake. During the following the dead snake, rattles its
tail, crosses himself and mourns the loss of his favorite pet.

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM


I'm bidin' my time,
'Cause that's the kinda guy I'm.
While other folks grow dizzy
I keep busy
Bidin' my time

(OTHER MEN join singing, on melody, with the trio, as they enter.)

Next year, next year,


I'll just keep on nappin' -
This year, this year,
I'll just keep on nappin'

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POLLY
Mail call!

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM


And bidin' my time,
'Cause that's the kinda guy I'm.
There's no regrettin'
When I'm settin'
Bidin' my time.

POLLY (interrupting the last note of men's vocal:)


Hey! Mail call! Come and get it!

SAM
Heck, Polly, I never get any mail.

POLLY
Oh, Sam, you got a letter just last month.

PETE
No kiddin'! What'd it say?

SAM
I don't know. I didn't have the energy to read it.

POLLY
Hey! Look at this! There's a letter here, for my dad, from New York City!

PETE
Hey Everett!

JIMMY
Ya got a letter!

BILLY
From New York City!

EVERETT
Oh. Well. Now isn't that exciting.

MOOSE
Can I have the stamp, Polly? For my collection?

POLLY
(She tears off the stamp and hands it to Moose, having already taken the letter out.)

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Hey, Moose. I didn't know you had a stamp collection.

MOOSE(Showing Everett proudly.)


Oh, boy. Number two!

POLLY (Reading the letter.)


It's from that stinkin' bank again.

EVERETT
Oh, dear.

POLLY
This time they want to take our theater!

EVERETT (to the BOYS:)


I'm afraid we're a little behind on the mortgage.

POLLY
It says here, if we don't pay 'em a ton of money by the end of this month, they're
gonna own it, lock, stock and barrel!

(The BOYS groan.)

EVERETT
Oh, Polly, I wish you could have seen your mother on that stage.

POLLY
I bet she was really somethin', Dad.

EVERETT
She was never more radiant than when she stood there behind those footlights,
singing her heart out to a house-full of drunken gold miners.

(He potters sadly away, into the saloon.)

WYATT
Poor old guy.

POLLY (Scanning the letter:)


Just look at this! They're sendin' some banker out here to put the knife in. Name of :
Bobby Child! If I ever meet up with that skunk, I'll : Oh, I don't know what I'll do!
But it's gonna be ugly!!

(She exits angrily into the theater.)

BILLY

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I never seen her that mad before.

JUNIOR
Talk about an excitin' day.

3a. INCIDENTAL: Bobby Staggers In - Orchestra

(Lazily, they start to lope away - when BOBBY staggers into view from the desert,
carrying his suitcases. He's pouring with sweat, dizzy from the sun and can barely
walk.)

BOBBY
Water : water :

(He makes it part way down the street and drops to the ground in a dead faint. Music
out. The COWBOYS look at him.)

JIMMY
I guess the train arrived.

CUSTUS (to BOBBY:)


It's only an hour's walk from the junction!

(They shake their heads and lope away - as EVERETT emerges from the saloon,
fleeing from LANK HAWKINS. LANK is an intense, usually manic fellow, blessed
with a vision that no one else quite shares.)

EVERETT
No no no no. I can't let you have the theater, Lank.

LANK
I don't want you to "let me have it." I want to buy it!

EVERETT
Oh I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage, standing there behind the
footlights :

LANK
Would you stop blathering, you pig-headed fool!

(POLLY instantly appears on the balcony.)

POLLY
Lank Hawkins! Don't you dare talk to my father that way!

LANK (to POLLY:)

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Okay! Okay:
(He throws her a kiss and she exits; to EVERETT:)
Look. I'll make it simple. I : own : the saloon.

EVERETT
I know that.

LANK
Good. Now being a man of vision, I would like to expand the saloon in the direction
of your theater, which, if you'll recall, was turned into a post office twenty years ago.

EVERETT
How I'd love to see a show I that theater again:

LANK
Everett, it's not going to happen! In two thousand years, there has been one
resurrection, and it wasn't a theater!!
(LANK calms himself:)
Think of it, Everett. This could be a big town again! Shops and cafes! Sidewalks! We
could have another:.Cleveland on our hands!

EVERETT
But it's such a nice town as it is:

LANK
Would you look around, for God's sake! Come here! Look!
(Taking EVERETT on a tour of the street,)
We have a town full of singing cadavers!
(Kicking BOBBY with his toe,)
We have bodies lying in the street!
(Poking EVERETT in the chest.)
We are the armpit of the American West!!

(POLLY storms out of the front of the theater. The moment she appears, BOBBY'S
head goes up. He's transfixed. He can't take his eyes off her.)

POLLY
You listen to me, Lank Hawkins! If you ever yell at my father again, I'm gonna skin
you alive, you hear me -!!

LANK POLLY
If he doesn't sell it to He is my father and it is time
me, the bank is going to you showed him a little
take it anyway! respect!

(They freeze. Again, BOBBY is in his own world. Staring at POLLY in a cloud of

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adoration, he sings:)

4. Things Are Looking Up

BOBBY
Things are looking up!
I've been looking the landscape over
And it's covered with four leaf clover,
Oh things are looking up
Since love looked up at me.

LANK POLLY
Polly, you know how I feel And he ain't gonna sell
about you! ya his theater if he
don't want to!

(Freeze.)

BOBBY
Bitter was my cup,
But no more will I be the mourner,
For I've certainly turned the corner.
Oh things are looking up
Since love looked up at me.

LANK
I have asked you to marry me fifteen times.

POLLY
So ask somebody else.

LANK
There is no one else. You're the only woman within fifty miles!

(POLLY turns to him, murderously.)

EVERETT (seeing what's coming:)


Polly:

(POLLY kicks LANK in the shin. He screams.)

POLLY
Come on, Dad. I've got to wash up.

(POLLY and EVERETT exit into the theater. LANK limps away into the saloon.
BOBBY has been watching Polly's every movement.)

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BOBBY
"Polly." "Polly!"

(Like Cortez first seeing the Pacific Ocean:)

My God, that's a wonderful name!!

BOBBY (The music swells.)


See the sunbeams!
Every one beams
Just because of you.
Love's in session
And my depression
Is unmistakably through.

(As the song continues, BOBBY gets dizzy again, and the COWBOYS pick him up
and carry him into the saloon. Meanwhile, the set is changing.)

BOBBY
Thank you.

BOBBY
Things are looking up!
It's a great little world we live in!
Oh I'm happy as a pup
Since love looked up -
Oh I'm happy as a pup
Since love looked up at me!!

(NOTE: Last word of song is an elision with first note of next musical number.)

Scene Four

Inside Lank's Saloon. It includes a reception desk, a bar, a player-piano (apparently


being played by JUNIOR), and a card table. A flight of stairs leads up to a balcony,
where there are doors to two guest rooms and a door to the corridor. TWO CARD
PLAYERS - WYATT and BILLY - are at the table playing poker. As the COWBOYS
carry BOBBY into the saloon, the piano is playing, and LANK is coming down the
stairs.

4a. INCIDENTAL: After Things (Piano solo)

LANK
Would you turn that thing off!

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(JUNIOR kicks the piano and it stops playing.

A cuckoo clock above the reception desk sounds off - complete with a bird that comes
out of a little door in the front: "CU-CKOO! CU-CKOO!" At this moment, and
argument starts up between the two CARD PLAYERS.)

WYATT
Hold it right there, mister. I saw ya take that ace from your sleeve.

BILLY
I'm afraid you need some glasses, ya dumb cuss.

(BILLY stands up, kicking his chair away; and they square off for a gunfight. They
draw like lightning, but WYATT is faster. He shoots BILLY in the stomach. BLAM!
BILLY falls dead on the floor. BOBBY watches all this in shock, his mouth open. A
beat, then:)

LANK
Rubbish. Complete rubbish.

BILLY
(From the floor, then standing up.)
Aw, come on, Lank. I thought it was pretty good that time.

BOBBY (confused:)
What's going on?

BILLY
Famous Gunfights of the Old West.

JUNIOR
It's Lank's idea, to bring in the tourists.

PETE
That there was Wyatt Earp meets Billy the Kid.

BOBBY
But they could have hurt each other.

WYATT
Are you kiddin', mister? These her is blanks. Hey, Lank!

(LANK turns - and WYATT shoots straight at his chest. BLAM! BLAM! Then
WYATT turns the gun toward the wall and lets fly another - BLAM! - and a jug on
the wall explodes, hitting a pair of antlers, which hits the piano - which starts playing.
JUNIOR kicks it and it stops. A beat, then LANK walks up to WYATT and puts out

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his hand.)

WYATT (Surrendering his gun to Lank.)


Sorry, lank.

LANK
No wonder this country is in a depression.

(LANK walks away. As he goes, the Cuckoo Clock sounds off again: "CU-CKOO!
CU-CKOO!" Startled, LANK shoots the clock, which instantly explodes, leaving the
bird dangling on a wire from the shards of its house. LANK utters a cry of despair,
then continues off through a door behind the reception desk. The moment he leaves,
POLLY enters.)

POLLY
Where's Lank?

JUNIOR
He's out back.

POLLY (Seeing BOBBY for the first time.)


:Who the hell is he?

JUNIOR
He sorta crawled into town this afternoon.

BOBBY
How do you do?

(BOBBY stands up to introduce himself - and promptly falls to the ground.)

JUNIOR
He's still kinda shaky.

POLLY
Well, walk him around. Get under him!
(JUNIOR tries.)
Oh, here, I'll do it!

(She puts BOBBY'S arm around her neck and starts to walk him around the saloon.
His legs are like jelly.)

POLLY
Come on, Sunshine. This way. Now you're getting' it. Just keep them feet moving' :
(etc. ad lib.)

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(She walks him some more - and as they make a turn, BOBBY finds his face only
inches from POLLY's. Without warning, he kisses her on the lips. For a moment she's
stunned - then she pushes him roughly away.)

POLLY
What the hell'd ya do that for?!!

BOBBY
I don't know.

POLLY
:Well, don't do it again.

BOBBY
Right.

(She stares at him for a beat, then heads for the bar.)

POLLY
Hey, Harry, get me a drink so I can clean my lips!

(HARRY, the bartender, slides a bottle down the length of the bar, Western-style, and
POLLY catches it easily. She takes a slug and moseys away. BOBBY is impressed.
Imitating her, he walks to the bar.)

BOBBY (Tough guy; to HARRY:)


Make that two.

(HARRY slides a bottle to BOBBY, who puts out his hand and misses. The bottle
slides off the end of the bar and crashes.)

BOBBY
:I'll have another.

(Same routine. BOBBY misses again and the bottle crashes.)

BOBBY
:.One for the road.

(As HARRY slams a bottle onto the bar, BOBBY jumps on the bar and grabs it.)

POLLY
You ain't from around here, are ya?

(BOBBY, still showing off, slides off the bar and drinks from the bottle. For a second,
he doesn't react. Then he stares at the bottle in shock.)

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BOBBY (Hardly able to speak - a squeak:)


:That's a little strong:

POLLY
Strong? We got thirty-year-old cows who pass water stronger'n this stuff.

BOBBY
My God, you're beautiful. You're like the Venus de Milo! :Except for your arms.

(POLLY is suddenly conscious of her arms and puts them behind her back.)

I-I-I mean, you have arms:

POLLY
: Mister, it's been real nice talking' to ya.

BOBBY
Don't go!

POLLY
Maybe I'll see ya again some time. In a rocket ship or somethin'.

5. Could You Use Me?

BOBBY
Have some pity on an Easterner;
Show a little sympathy.
No one possibly could be sterner
Than you have been with me.
There's a job that I'm applying for -
Let me put it to you thus:
It's a partnership I'm dying for -
Mr. and Mrs. Us.
Before you file it on the shelf
Let me tell you of myself:

(By this time, he's got her to the table.)

Oh, I'm the chappie


To make you happy;
I'll tie your shoes-ies
And chase your blues-ies;
Oh, lady would you -
Oh, tell me, could you use me?

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POLLY
No night Iife for you;
The birds would bore you;
The cows won't know you;
A horse would throw you;
You silly man, you,
To ask me, "Can you use me?"

BOBBY
Do you realize what a good man
You're getting in me?
I'm no Elk or Mason or Woodman
Who gets home at three.

POLLY
Your ties are freakish;
Your knees are weakish;
Go back to flappers
And high-balI lappers.
Though you can use me
I most certainly can't use you!

(BOBBY pursues POLLY around the saloon, then out into the street. Last word of
song is an elision with first note of next musical number.)

Scene Five

Main Street & Desert, Deadrock, Nevada. The song is continuous. During the song -
and dance - evening falls.

5 (cont'd). Shall We Dance?

BOBBY
Drop that long face! Come on, have your fling!
Why keep nursing the blues?
If you want this old world on a string,
Put on your dancing shoes -
Stop wasting time!
Put on your dancing shoes -
Watch your spirits climb.

Shall we dance, or keep on moping?


Shall we dance, and walk on air?
Shall we give into despair -
Or shall we dance with never a care?

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Life is short; we're growing older.


Don't you be an also-ran.
You'd better dance, little lady!
Dance, little man!
Dance whenever you can!

(At first, POLLY's a reluctant partner; she just won't dance with him. But soon she
starts enjoying herself, and BOBBY and POLLY begin whirling through the street -
then the desert - like Fred and Ginger. In the course of the number, POLLY falls
deeply in love with him. Towards the end of the number BOBBY kisses a now-
willing POLLY.)

BOBBY
:WOW!!

(The dance ends, and we go to blackout.)

5a. SCENE CHANGE: Shall We Dance? - Music Box

(Music fades out under opening dialogue of next scene.)

Scene Six

Stage of the Gaiety Theater, continuous. The scene begins in total darkness. Out of
the void, we hear BOBBY's voice.

BOBBY'S VOICE
Polly? :Polly?! :. OW!
(He's bumped into something.)
Polly, where are you?!!

(Suddenly, the lights come up. POLLY is at the side of the stage, having just turned
the lights on, and we see the theater for the first time. It's a masterpiece of Victoriana,
covered with dust and in a woeful state of disrepair. On the stage are a few old props
and flats and a trunk of costumes. BOBBY looks around, dumbfounded.)

BOBBY
Oh, my God, just look at this place!

POLLY (proudly:)
It's somethin', huh?

BOBBY
It's incredible!

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POLLY
When I was a little thing, I'd watch all the big shows. The lights, the music:

BOBBY
I've never seen anything like it. What's it doing in Deadrock?

POLLY
This here was a pretty big town about fifty years ago. Then the mines ran out and
most people just kinda got up and left.

BOBBY (finding parts of costumes in the trunk)


Look at this stuff! Oh, my God! You can't let the bank take this place!

POLLY
How do you know about it?

BOBBY
Well, I-I-I couldn't help overhearing on the street, and :

(Pause. BOBBY suddenly has a revelation He looks around the theater, then says
quietly:)

BOBBY
Wait a second. I've got an idea!

POLLY
About what?!

BOBBY (pulling on a costume jacket and grabbing a fedora.)


I know what to do!

POLLY
What the hell are you talkin' about?!

BOBBY
It's simple! All we have to do to save this place is just : put on a show. Here in the
theater. That'll raise all the money you need to pay off the mortgage!

POLLY
: Just put on a show?

BOBBY
Right.

POLLY

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In here?

BOBBY
Right!

POLLY
Is everybody this stupid back East, or are you just special?

BOBBY
Well, why not?! Don't you ever go to the movies? Mickey Rooney does it all the
time! : Look. The guys in the bar can sing, I heard them! And-and-and I could bring
dancers, from Zangler's Follies! They're my friends! They'd come in a second!
They're on vacation!

POLLY (suddenly excited:)


: Ya mean Bela Zangler?!

BOBBY
Yeah.

POLLY
Dad's talked about him! Do you know him?!

BOBBY
Do I know him. Are you kidding? We're like..
(Putting the index fingers of his hands together, then pulling them apart)
this.

POLLY
D'ya think he'd come out here and put on a show?! I mean, if ya asked him?!

BOBBY (Nodding his head yes)


:No.

(POLLY turns away, disappointed.)

But we don't need him! I can do it, I promise!

(No answer.)

Polly, please. Let me try it. I could accomplish something. And this theater, just
imagine, giving it a whole new life!

POLLY
:I guess we can try it.

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(BOBBY shouts with joy.)

BOBBY
I'll call the girls first thing in the morning! Hey! Watch this!

(He does a tap flourish - the same one he did for Zangler - and ends up with a slam
literally nose-to-nose with Polly.)

POLLY (in pain:)


:You're standin' on my foot.

BOBBY
I'm sorry! Darn!

POLLY
That's okay. It sure is nice of you to help like this. I mean, we hardly know each other.

(Extending her hand.)


I'm Polly Baker.

BOBBY
I'm bobby Child.

(A beat, then POLLY suddenly goes pale.)

POLLY
What?

BOBBY
Bobby Child.

POLLY
From New York City?

BOBBY
Right.

(SLAP! POLLY slaps BOBBY across the face, sending him reeling backward.)

BOBBY
What did I do?

POLLY
You're from that bank!

BOBBY

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Yeah. Well, I can explain that -

POLLY
You're here to take our theater, ain't ya? This is a trick!

BOBBY
No, it's not!

POLLY
How could ya do this to me?!

BOBBY
Polly, you're wrong -

POLLY
You and your singin' and your dancin' and your : Bela Zanglers!

BOBBY
I can save this theater!

POLLY (deeply hurt, her eyes full of tears:)


Just GO AWAY!!
POLLY
(She hurries to the wings; turns and says quietly:)
And don't you ever let me catch you talkin' to me again.

(She hurries off.)

BOBBY
Polly - !

(She's gone. BOBBY wanders across the stage, his dreams shattered. He says to
himself:)

"You and your singing and your dancing and your:"

(Music for next number begins with an underscore, a sad strain of "Things Are
Looking Up." Suddenly, BOBBY looks up. He has an idea. Could it really work?)

BOBBY (to himself:)


: Bela Zangler.
(He looks around the theater :)
Bela Zangler!!
(Using Zangler's accent and striking a pos with a cane.)
"Vell, vell, vell. Girls! It is time ve pay visit to Deadrock, Nevada, ya?!

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(Blackout, followed by the sound of a train gaining speed, then the vamping beat of
the GIRLS' arrival in Deadrock.)

Scene Seven

Main street, Deadrock, three days later, morning. As the dawn is breaking, THE
FOLLIES GIRLS enter from the desert (in silhouette) to the hot, jazzy rhythm of "I'll
Build a Stairway to Paradise." Windows and doors fly open, as THE COWBOYS
come out to see what's happening - and join in the number. By the end of the number,
all the COWBOYS are on the street. POLLY and LANK have also entered.

6. Girls Enter Nevada (Bronco Busters)

THE FOLLIES GIRLS


It's wonderful to breeze around,
They seem to have real trees around,
And of the open spaces there's no doubt -
No doubt! No doubt!
This is the life that Riley told about.

In town we used to fret away


Until we made our getaway
Out here where there's no doubt that men are men,
Where men are men!
We don't care if we don't go east again.

We haven't missed old Broadway or the white lights -


When the moon at night lights -
That's the best of bright lights.

TESS
All right, girls. Let's show 'em how we do it.

(Dance break - to "K-ra-zy For You.")

THE BOYS THE FOLLIES GIRLS


In town they used to fret away In-town-
Until they made their getaway we-did-
Out here where there's no fret-
Doubt that men are men, away
Where men are men! In town we used to fret away
They don't care if they Until we made our getaway
Don't go east again. We don't care if we don't go east again

(The music segues back into "I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise," as BOBBY -

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masquerading as BELA ZANGLER - makes his entrance. He has Zangler's clothes,


beard, moustache, and accent. He carries a cane ad smokes a cigar. He doesn't have
the same confidence, though; and during the number, he confers hurriedly with TESS
and PATSY to make sure that he looks all right. By the end of the number, he's ready
to start - and climbs to the top of a stairway made of the GIRLS' suitcases.)

ALL
OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO AH!

BOBBY
Good morning, good morning, good morning. Dis is Deadrock, Nevada, ya?

THE COWBOYS
YA!

BOBBY
Excellent. I am looking, please, for a Miss Polly Baker.

POLLY
I'm Polly Baker! What's goin' on?!

BOBBY
Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Bela Zangler.

POLLY (IN SHOCK)


: Get outta here! Are you really :Bela Zangler? I mean, what are you doin' here?

BOBBY
I am saving theater!

LANK
What?!

BOBBY
I am getting a call three days ago from very good friend of mine. Bobby Child.
(Confidentially:)
By the vay, he is a vonderful boy. You should get to know him.

POLLY
He did say you were friends.

BOBBY
Friends? Ve are like
(Puts his index fingers together, then pulls them apart.)
this!

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POLLY
That's just what he said!

BOBBY
I'm not surprised. So. Vhen do ve start? Ve have a show to put on, ya?

THE COWBOYS
YA!

LANK
I don't believe one word of this.

BOBBY
Vhich vord is that?

LANK
Something smells fishy to me.

JIMMY
I think it's Moose.

(Everyone looks at MOOSE, who checks his underarms, then nods his head "yes." At
this moment, EVERETT comes out of the theater, suspecting nothing. He sees
BOBBY and stops dead.)

EVERETT
Oh, my goodness!

(Going up to him.)

Mr. : Zangler?

BOBBY
You know me :?

EVERETT
I've seen your picture in Variety a hundred times! What are you doing here?!

POLLY
He came to help, so we can pay the bank.

EVERETT
This is miraculous!

LANK
This is ridiculous!

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POLLY
Lank!

BOBBY
I am insulted!
(A gasp from the crowd.)
Do you vant me to put on show or not? I am busy man!

EVERYONE
Of course we do! Don't listen to him! You must do it! (etc.)

BOBBY (cutting them off abruptly:)


YOP! : Okay. I do it.

EVERYONE
That's wonderful! This is thrilling! (etc.)

BOBBY (cutting them off abruptly:)


YOP! : Girls! To vork!

(He points to the theater and THE GIRLS head inside.)

THE GIRLS
Yes, Mr. Zangler. Of course, Mr. Zangler.

PATSY (aloud to BOBBY as she passes him:)


Bobby!

(He tries to shush her.)

You're doin' a wonderful job! You're so life-like!

(BOBBY rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, LANK pulls out his gun, walks up to BOBBY,
and pushes it under his nose.)

LANK
Mister. Do you see this gun?

BOBBY
Ya?

LANK
It tends to have a mind of its own.

(BOBBY looks at the gun; then at LANK.)

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BOBBY
Vun out of two ain't bad.

LANK
That isn't funny!

POLLY
Lank!

LANK
Mister, I want you out of this town in twenty-four hours! (He exits.)

EVERETT (to BOBBY:)


How I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage. Standing there behind
the footlights:

POLLY
Mr. Zangler? If you really can save this place, I:well, I guess I'm gonna be mighty
grateful.

(She shakes his hand.)

BOBBY
:Let's hope so, ya?

(BOBBY kisses the back of her hand, European style, then turns to the boys.)

BOBBY
So. Who vould like to audition?
(No response.)
To be in show.
(No response.)
:to vork with girls.

COWBOYS (erupting immediately:)


Yes sir! O-kay! Now you're talkin'!

(THE COWBOYS race into the theater, whooping and hollering. BOBBY exits with
them. EVERETT hangs back for a word with POLLY.)

EVERETT
Now that's the kind of man you should marry.

POLLY
Dad, would ya cut it out! :When I'm ready to get married, I'll let ya know.

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EVERETT
By that time, you'll have to contact me through a medium.

(EVERETT exits into the theater. POLLY is alone on the street. It's quiet now. She
looks around, and suddenly feels lonely.)

7. Someone to Watch Over Me

POLLY
There's a saying old
Says that love is blind -
Still we're often told,
"Seek and ye shall find."
So I'm going to seek
A certain lad I've had in mind.

Looking everywhere,
Haven't found him yet;
He's the big affair I cannot forget.
Only man I ever think of with regret.

I'd like to add his initials to my monogram.


Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb.

There's a somebody I'm longing to see


I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me.

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood.


I know I could always be good
To one who'll watch over me.

Although he may not be the man some


Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key.

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed -?


Follow my lead -
Oh! How I need
Someone to watch over me.
Someone to watch over me.

(The music seques to the next number.)

Scene Eight

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Lobby of the Gaiety Theater, two weeks later, mid-morning. There's a door to the
street, and double doors at the back leading into the auditorium. To one side, there's a
ticket counter, now used for the post office. Behind it is a telephone switchboard. As
the set moves into place and the lights come up, various GIRLS and COWBOYS
carry a bass fiddle into the theater. Some of the GIRLS stay in the lobby and start
dusting and painting. There is a general refurbishment going on.

8. INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass

Meanwhile, the COWBOY TRIO is rehearsing with PATSY, who's teaching them a
dance step. MINGO is dancing with SAM, and MOOSE is dancing with PATSY. It
isn't going too well.
[NOTE: This scene can be played at the top of Scene Nine, in which case the action
moves continuously from the end of this scene into the beginning of what is
designated as Scene Nine.)]

PATSY & THE TRIO


Step, zoom, step, step,
Step, zoom, step, step,
Step, zoom, step, step -

(PATSY, exasperated, finally yells, "NO----!" Music and dancing stop TESS looks at
the "rehearsal." It's unbearably awful.)

TESS
Well, that looks terr:.ific.

PATSY
Thanks.

TESS
Maybe you'd better work on the Act One finale.

PATSY
Right.

TESS
I'll go help Zangler with the rehearsal.

(TESS exits into the theater, still amazed at the BOYS' clumsiness.)

PATSY
Okay, fellas. Smile!

(They turn on big smiles; PATSY calls out her instructions:)

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[title of show] [authors names]

Now:
Hands out, hands together, hands on head.
Hands out, hands together, hands on hips.
Hands out, hands together, hands on chest.

(The COWBOYS put their hands on PATSY's chest.)

PATSY
Not my chest. Your chest!

THE BOYS
Right. Right. Let's try it again! One more time!

PATSY
One more time:

(She takes a giant step backwards - and is about to start again, when POLLY enters
from the street. Simultaneously the phone starts ringing.)

THE BOYS
'Morning', Polly.

POLLY
Don't forget, rehearsal in ten minutes!

MINGO
Another rehearsal? Heck, I've been ready for a whole week!

(PATSY and THE BOYS exit to the theater.)

POLLY (plugging into a phone line at the switchboard.)


Gaiety Theater and U.S. Post office. The show opens tomorrow night at eight o'clock.
Just get off at the junction, then it's about an hour's walk. :.Hello? :.Hello?!

(LANK enters, as POLLY disconnects and goes to work, putting up a poster.)

LANK
Well, well, well. The busy bee is hard at work.

POLLY
Lank, this here's a theater and a post office. You can buy a ticket or a stamp.
Otherwise, go back to your saloon.

LANK
Polly, you are wasting your time! The show is doomed. Do you honestly think that

Page 40
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anyone is going to pay good money to see a bunch of singing numbskulls?

(He opens the doors to the auditorium, and we hear the awful rehearsal continuing:
"Hands out, hands together, hands on head:" As he closes the door, PETE enters from
the street.)

PETE
'Mornin', Polly.

POLLY
'Mornin', Pete.

LANK
Now what does this man know about the theater? Hmm?

POLLY
Lay off him, Lank.

LANK (putting his arm around PETE)


Perhaps you would tell us, sir, your views of the contemporary American stage.

PETE
:Heck, I dunno.

LANK
"Heck, I don't know." I'd say that's fairly trenchant.

PETE
I s'pose you could say that : Eugene O'Neill is just beginnin' to explore the symbolism
o Greek tragedy.
(A beat, then:)
O' course, the realism of Anton Chekhov is still a pretty important influence.
(A beat, then:)
And then there's Stanislavsky -

LANK (putting his hand over Pete's mouth)


Thank you!

(POLLY, pleased with herself, heads for the street.)

POLLY
'Bye, Lank.

LANK
Polly, get back here - ! :.POLLY!!

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(She's gone.)

PETE
Headstrong, ain't she?
(A beat, then:)
Kind reminds me of that gal in King Lear:

(LANK makes a lunge for PETE, who escapes into the theater.)

LANK (pulling out his gun)


I'll stop this show if it's the last thing I ever do!

(At which point, the lobby opens out into the stage of the theater, and LANK is
engulfed by waltzing COWBOYS.)

Scene Nine

Stage of the Gaiety Theater, continuous. The FOLLIES GIRLS are busy refurbishing
the theater - repainting the proscenium, climbing ladders, hanging lights, etc.
Meanwhile, BOBBY (as ZANGLER) is teaching the COWBOYS a dance routine.

8. INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass

Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down,


Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down,

Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down,


And one two three four five six -

(The COWBOYS are dancing with each other, and none of them is exactly Fred
Astaire. MOOSE, in particular, is a truly terrible dancer. As the rehearsal deteriorates,
and the noise of the repairs gets worse and worse, BOBBY can't take it any longer.)

BOBBY
Vould you stop already! STOP!!
(Silence.)
I never seen such a mess!
(To MOOSE:)
You Nijinski. Come over here.

MOOSE
(Going to BOBBY)
The name is Moose.

Page 42
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BOBBY
Okay, Moose. I got good news and bad news.

MOOSE
Oh yeah? What's the bad news?

BOBBY
You vill not be dancing in this number.

MOOSE
Oh. What's the good news?

BOBBY
You vill not be dancing in this number.

MOOSE (Down-hearted:)
Okay.

(EVERYONE moans for MOOSE.)

BOBBY
Vait, vait, vait!
(He looks around and spots a bass fiddle, which MITZI is polishing.)
Hold your horse, I got idea. Come here, big fella. You play with this.

(He takes the bass, hands it to MOOSE and walks away. MOOSE puts the bass on his
knee and strums it like a guitar and starts singing "Bidin' My Time" with some of the
other cowboys.)

BOBBY
No no no!
(He takes the bass.)
Here. You vatch me. Like this.
(He plucks out a rhythm, and hands it back to Moose.)
Now you try it. You're gonna be Jascha Heifetz of the Old Vest.

9. Slap That Bass

(BOBBY walks away:and MOOSE starts to play, getting better and better, soon ably
plucking out the same jazzy rhythm that BOBBY just played. BOBBY looks at him
with surprise. He has an idea. He then looks at TESS and PATSY, who have the same
idea. Based on the rhythm being plucked by MOOSE, BOBBY teaches the BOYS a
number - "Slap That Bass." During the number, the BOYS progress from sheer
klutziness to a surprising level of accomplishment and enthusiasm - all thanks to

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BOBBY. The GIRLS join in. POLLY wanders through the number, carrying a
costume that needs sewing, then watches the rest of it from a perch on a ladder.
During the number, we see her watching BOBBY/ZANGLER with admiration.)

BOBBY (as ZANGLER)


Zoom - zoom, zoom - zoom,
The world is in a mess.
With politics and taxes
And people grinding axes,
There's no happiness
Zoom - zoom, zoom - zoom,
Rhythm lead your ace!
The future doesn't fret me
If I can only get me
Someone to slap that bass

PETE
Happiness is not a riddle
When I'm listening to that big bass fiddle.

BOBBY
Slap that bass -

PATSY
Slap it till it's dizzy.

BOBBY
Slap that bass -

TESS
Keep the rhythm busy.

TESS & PATSY


Zoom, zoom, zoom -
Misery - You got to go.

BOBBY
Slap that bass -

TESS, PATSY, WYATT & JIMMY


Use it like a tonic.

BOBBY
Slap that bass -

THE COMPANY

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Keep your Philharmonic.


Zoom, zoom, zoom -
And the milk and honey will flow!

SAM & MINGO


Dictators would be better off
If they zoom-zoomed now and then;

GIRLS
Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!

PETE
Today you can see that the happiest of men

GIRLS
Oh!

THE COMPANY
All got rhythm.

TESS & PATSY BOYS


In which case, BOOM - BOOM, BOOM
If you want to bubble - BOOM - BOOM, BOOM

BOBBY BOOM - BOOM, BOOM


Slap that bass; BOOM - BOOM.
Slap away your trouble.

THE COMPANY
Learn to zoom, zoom, zoom -
Slap that bass!

(Vocal scat section - 12 bars a cappella.)

BOYS (Bass)
Boom, Boom,
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,

(Bass - Repeat, Add:) GIRLS (Alto)


Zoom, Zoom,
Zoom, Zoom,

(Bass & Alto - Repeat, Add:) BOYS (Tenor)


Zoodledy Doodledy Boom, Boom
Boom, Boom.

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(Bass, Tenor & Alto - Repeat, Add:) GIRLS (Soprano)


Boomity Bangity Zing, Zing,
Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,

(Tenor, Soprano & Alto - Repeat) BOYS (Bass)


Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,
Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,

FULL COMPANY
Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,
Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,
Zoom!

(Dance Break)

BOYS
(JIMMY, WYATT, BILLY, SAM, CUSTUS & PETE)
Hands out, hands together, hands on head.
Hands out, hands together, hands on hips.
Hands out, hands together, hands on chest.

COMPANY
Dictators would be better off
If they zoom-zoomed now and then
Today you can see that the happiest men
All got rhythm

All got rhythm

In which case,
If you want to bubble
Slap that bass
Slap away your trouble
Learn to zoom zoom zoom

Slap that bass!!

(When the number's over, the BOYS and GIRLS hoot with triumph. They've really
accomplished something.)

BOBBY
Okay, voce more from the top.

(The COMPANY groans.)

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That vas joke! Lunch, lunch, lunch!

(The COMPANY disperses.)

TESS (To BOBBY:)


Not too shabby, kiddo!

(TESS exits - at which point, IRENE enters, carrying a suitcase. She's obviously just
arrived in town. BOBBY, looking the other way, doesn't see her enter.)

IRENE
Excuse me. I'm looking for someone named Bobby Child.

(BOBBY turns and sees her - and panics.)

BOBBY
(Trying to get away, covering his face with a towel.)
I have not seen him lately. Maybe you should try Vyoming.

IRENE
: BOBBY!!

BOBBY
(Dropping the towel; in his own voice:)
Irene. Hi:

IRENE
What the hell are you doing?!

BOBBY
Well, I-I-I-I-I I'm putting on a show. I'm Bela Zangler.

IRENE
You look like Karl Marx. :Why in God's name would you dress up like some idiot in
the middle of Nevada -?!

(At which point, POLLY runs in with some flyers and hurries up to BOBBY, flushed
with excitement.)

POLLY
Mr. Zangler?
(To IRENE)
Hi. Excuse me.
(To BOBBY, with adoration)
I just gotta tell ya, I mean, what you're doing' here, it's like a miracle!

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(She kisses him.)

BOBBY
Thank you :

POLLY
I'll be back in a minute. I gotta get these flyers off to Sky bluff!

(She hurries off into the wings.)

BOBBY
(Calling to her:)
Take your time!

IRENE
:I should have known.

BOBBY
Irene -

IRENE
You're doing this for her!

BOBBY
Well, not exactly -

IRENE
Bobby! I saw that revolting look in your eyes. Like a cow who needs milking.

BOBBY
Irene - !

IRENE
And I'm sure she'd love to hear all about the real you.

BOBBY
Hey. Come on! You wouldn't do that!

IRENE
We are leaving here tomorrow morning.

BOBBY
Just one sec -

IRENE
(Grabbing him by the lapels.)

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Bobby, you are talking to a frustrated woman!

BOBBY
I can se that -

(She kisses him on the lips. He struggles in vain, as POLLY hurries in.)

POLLY
Mr. Zangl - :Oh. Sorry.

BOBBY
(Disengaging himself from IRENE)
Polly:Polly:Polly: Ve have a visitor.
(To IRENE:)
Polly is only voman living in Deadrock.

IRENE
I guess that's why she looks so tired.

BOBBY
Polly, this is a very old friend of min.

POLLY
Well, she sure moves good for her age.

IRENE
My age? I suppose you just had your coming-out party.

POLLY
Oh, I never had a comin'-out party. I never even knew what the word meant till I saw
that dress of yours.

IRENE
Would you like to borrow it?

POLLY
Well, not till I'm buried.

BOBBY
(To IRENE:)
She vas making a joke:

IRENE
I suppose it must look rather odd to you, not having any leather fringe on it.

POLLY

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That's okay. Your hair kinda makes up for it.

BOBBY
I just knew you two vould be good friends.

(By which time, LANK has entered.)

LANK
Excuse me. Mr. Zangler? May I speak with you for a moment?

BOBBY
:.Ya?

(LANK grabs BOBBY roughly by the shirt-front.)

LANK
Listen, you! I want you out of here on the next train!

BOBBY
You don't like show?

LANK
No I don't like show. And I don't like you hanging around my woman all day!

BOBBY
You vould prefer all night?
(LANK shakes him hard.)
Ow!

LANK
Maybe you'd better take a look at something.
(He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a piece of paper.)
Read that.

BOBBY
:It's a vedding license.

LANK
Have I made my intentions clear enough for you?

BOBBY
I guess so, but: I just don't vant to marry you.

LANK
You are close to an idiot!

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(BOBBY looks at him : then takes a giant step away.)

LANK
That isn't funny.

BOBBY
Fine. Now leave my theater.

LANK
I'm warning you, Zangler - !

BOBBY
Get out of here! Now! I am busy man!!

LANK
You haven't seen the end of me!

BOBBY
If it's like the front, I don't vant to see it!

IRENE(to LANK)
Excuse me. You don't by chance have a hotel in this town?

LANK
(Sensing a rich customer)
Well. As a matter of fact, I own that beautiful hotel, right next door.

IRENE
Good. Can you give a room and a bath?

LANK (Offended)
Madam, I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath.

(LANK exits. IRENE gives BOBBY a look and exits with her suitcase.)

BOBBY
Polly, ve have important talk now, ya?

POLLY
Sure. What's up?

BOBBY
I vant to speak to you about Bobby Child.

POLLY
Oh, him.

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BOBBY
Polly, he is a vonderful boy. Handsome. Talented. Brave.

POLLY
I ain't even seen him for days. Which is lucky for him!

BOBBY
Polly, he has told me, he is : crazy for you.

POLLY
Well, I can't help that. I'm already spoken for.

BOBBY
: You are?!

POLLY
Yeah. In my heart, anyway.

BOBBY
It is that : Lank person, ya?
(Music starts under for next number.)
I tell you, I don't like him! He is totally wrong for you - !

POLLY
It isn't Lank!

BOBBY
: Moose?

POLLY (Sighs)
You just don't understand anything, do ya?

10. Embraceable you

POLLY
Dozens of men would storm up
I had to lock my door
Somehow I couldn't warm up
To one before

BOBBY
Pete : Sam?

POLLY
What was it that controlled me?

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[title of show] [authors names]

What kept my love-life lean?

BOBBY
(Counting off the men on his fingers)
Lank, Moose, Pete, Sam...

POLLY
My intuition told me
You'd come on the scene

BOBBY
:Me?!

POLLY
(Putting his hand on her heart.)
Mister, listen to the rhythm of my heartbeat,

BOBBY
Uh oh.

POLLY
And you'll know just what I mean.

BOBBY
Polly, you are making big mistake here - !

POLLY
Embrace me,
My sweet embraceable you,

BOBBY
I think ve gotta talk about this -

POLLY
Embrace me,
My irreplaceable you

BOBBY
This is not vhat I vas planning -

POLLY
Just one look at you -- my heart grew tipsy in me.

(She strokes the side of his head, and he screams for fear of his wig moving.)

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BOBBY
No no no no no no no no!!

POLLY
You and you alone bring out the gypsy in me.

BOBBY
That's because I am Hungarian -

POLLY
(Getting very hot now:)
I love all the many charms about you;

BOBBY
You are making big joke now, ya -?

POLLY
Above all I want my arms about you!

BOBBY
Okay. It's not a joke:

POLLY
Don't be a naughty baby
Come to Polly -- come to Polly -- do!
My sweet embraceable you.

(As the refrain plays in the orchestra, she takes him in her arms and begins to dance
with him around the stage. He's fighting his impulse to give in to her.)

BOBBY
Now just imagine if I vas Bobby.

POLLY
You dance even better than he does.

BOBBY
No, I don't think so:

(They continue to dance.)

POLLY
In your arms I find love so delectable, dear,
I'm afraid it isn't quite respectable, dear,

But hang it --

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Come on, let's glorify love!


Ding dang it!
You'll shout "Encore!" if I love.

Don't be a naughty baby,


Come to Polly -- come to Polly -- do!

(Finally, he comes to her.)

Polly and Bobby


My sweet embraceable...

(As they kiss, the music swells. They kiss passionately, as the lights change, and the
next scene erupts around them. Music segues on applause.)

Scene Ten

Backstage of the Gaiety Theater, Saturday night, about 7 o'clock. We see two dressing
rooms in cutaway - one for the GIRLS and one for the BOYS - separated by a
corridor down the middle. In and around the dressing rooms, the GIRLS and the
BOYS are getting ready for the show - putting on makeup, pulling on costumes, etc.
There an opening night atmosphere of excitement and anticipation.

11. Tonight's the Night

BOYS
Hands out, hands together, hands on head.
Hands out, hands together, hands on hips.
Hands out, hands together, hands on chest.

THE COMPANY
I've just got a feeling
Tonight's the night!
Let's tear down the ceiling --
Tonight's the night!
Take the chain and ball off,
For now on I'm free;

This is where I fall off


The family tree.
There's no fun in being an angel child --
I hear the call of the wild
If the worst should happen, it serves me right,
Tonight's the night.

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(The music continues as an underscore.)

CUSTUS
Opening night! Gal-darn, this is fun! I ain't seen so much excitement around here
since my horse foaled.

PATSY
Wow! It must be hard to fold a horse!

(The music comes up, then goes down again, as POLLY hurries through the BOYS'
dressing room, handing out programs. BOBBY (as BOBBY) is pursuing her.)

BOBBY
Polly, would you listen to me?! It's about Zangler!

POLLY
Of all the times for you to show up -!

(They get to the corridor.)

BOBBY
You kissed him, didn't you?!

(This stops her.)

POLLY
:Have you been spyin' on us?!

BOBBY
Of course not! He : he-he-he told me!

POLLY
Ya know, I'm not surprised that you are jealous of him.

BOBBY
Jealous - ?!

POLLY
The man is a do-er, Bobby. He has accomplished things. He is just so full of energy
and vision -!

(She starts to go.)

BOBBY
Polly, you are falling in love with the wrong man!!

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(POLLY exits into the GIRLS' Dressing Room, leaving BOBBY in the corridor.)

BOBBY
Why am I so much better as Zangler?!

(BOBBY exits through the GIRLS' Dressing Room - evoking screams of protest. The
music comes up and then goes down again. At this moment, EVERETT heads
through the BOYS' Dressing Room, pursued by LANK. LANK is carrying a suitcase
full of money. They reach the corridor:)

LANK
Everett, would you listen to me!

EVERETT
I'm not interested.

LANK
(Opening the case to give EVERETT a look, then snapping it shut.)
Three hundred dollars if you call off the show -

EVERETT
Keep your money, Lank.

LANK
(Pulling out even more money.)
All right, four hundred!

EVERETT
Invest in something. Start a --- casino.

LANK
Don't be stupid! Who would come to Nevada to gamble?!

(EVERETT exits through the GIRLS' Dressing Room, causing screams, leaving
LANK in the corridor. The music comes up, then goes down again. At this moment,
IRENE storms through the BOYS' Dressing Room, catching some of the BOYS with
their pants down.)

THE BOYS
(Covering themselves; embarrassed:)
Hey, lady! What are ya doin?! Would you get outta here!

(IRENE enters the corridor and sees LANK.)

IRENE

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Have you seen "Zangler"?! He's been avoiding me all day!

LANK
Madam, that is your problem.

IRENE
It's both our problems! If the show succeeds, you could lose Polly and I could lose
Bobby!

LANK
Who's Bobby?

IRENE
Zangler!

LANK
"Bobby Zangler?"

IRENE
His name is "Child!"

LANK
"Child Zangler?"

IRENE
No, you idiot! Zangler is Child!

LANK
Well, he certainly acts grown up.

IRENE
You are so stupid!!

LANK
I'm stupid - ?!!

(They exit arguing. The music comes up.)

ALL
There's no fun in being an angel child;
I hear the call of the wild.

(Music goes down again, as JIMMY, holding binoculars, runs into the GIRLS'
Dressing Room and shouts over "train" vamp:)

JIMMY

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Hold it everybody! I spotted some people comin', straight from the station!

(The BOYS run out through the GIRLS' Dressing Room, as the GIRLS finish the
song.)

THE GIRLS
If the worst should happen, it serves me right -
Tonight's the night!

(As they sing, the dressing rooms slide off and the scene changes.)

Scene Eleven

Main Street, Deadrock, immediately following. As the song fades away, IRENE and
LANK are coming out of the theater, still arguing, followed by POLLY and
EVERETT, then the rest of the cast. A large banner over the theater reads:
"ZANGLER FOLLIES".

IRENE
For God's sake, do something!

LANK
Would you stop nagging! I am not your husband!

IRENE
If you were my husband, I'd kill myself.

LANK
Quick! Find a minister!

IRENE
I did not come here to be insulted!

LANK
Oh? Where do you usually go?!

(LANK and IRENE exit into the saloon.)

POLLY
Oh, Dad. Where's Bela?! He should be here for this!
(Calling into the saloon.)
Bela!

(BOBBY hurries out as ZANGLER, still pulling his coat on.)

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BOBBY
I vas just upstairs, talking to Bobby -

POLLY
Not now!

BOBBY
He is just so full of energy and vision! He is a do-er, Polly! He has accomplished
things -!

(POLLY gives BOBBY a kiss.)

POLLY
That's for luck.

(At this moment, JIMMY calls down from the roof of the theater.)

JIMMY
Here they come!! They're roundin' the bend!

(A cheer from the cast. IRENE and LANK come out of the saloon to watch. A beat,
then for a moment, no one appears. Then, from the desert, EUGENE and PATRICIA -
a chirpy English couple in their mid-30's - stride into view. They seasoned travelers,
and the walk from the station hasn't tired them a bit. THEY see the assembled
COMPANY and smile affably.)

EUGENE
Hallo.

PATRICIA
Good evening.

EUGENE
Is this Deadrock, Nevada?

WYATT
It sure is.

EUGENE
Jolly good.

POLLY
Where's everybody else?

PATRICIA
Everyone else?

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POLLY
From the train!

PATRICIA
I didn't see anyone else on the train, did you, dear?

EUGENE
Oh, now wait. There was that rather older gentleman. We left the poor chap
somewhere in the desert.

PATRICIA
Frankly, I'm not sure he'll make it.
(They laugh at this.)

TESS
You mean there's just the two of you?

EUGENE
I'm afraid so. Is that a problem.

(Stunned silence. Everyone just looks at each other.)

POLLY (Bravely:)
:No. No, that's okay. I guess you want to buy your tickets now.

EUGENE
Tickets?

POLLY
To see the show!

(She points at the COMPANY and they strike a pose.)

THE COMPANY
Ta da!

PATRICIA
Oh, dear.

EUGENE
I'm afraid we're not here to see a stage show.

POLLY
You're not?

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EUGENE
Oh, no no no. You see, we're writing a sort of guide book to the American West.

PATRICIA
We hope to do a series of them.

EUGENE
(Extending his hand.)
The name is Fodor. I'm Eugene. This is Patricia.

PATRICIA
(Consulting her notes.)
Now let's see. We're here to review the ... "Lank Hawkins Saloon bar, Hotel and
Restaurant."

(A beat, then LANK comes forward.)

LANK
Well, well, well! How do you do. Lank Hawkins. Proprietor of the said establishment.

PATRICIA
Oh, lucky us!

EUGENE
Are we still in time for dinner, Mr. Hawkins?

LANK
Absolument. Bien soor.
(He leads them to the saloon.)
Entrez.

(The FODORS exit.)

LANK (to BOBBY:)


The clouds part, and justice reigneth supreme.

(LANK laughs with delight and exits into the saloon. IRENE follows him in. For a
moment, there's dead silence. The entire COMPANY has hit rock bottom. POLLY is
ready to cry.)

CUSTUS
: I can't believe it. After all the rehearsin'.

PETE
Maybe some people are comin' by car.

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EVERETT
No. No. I wouldn't count on it.

(Long pause.)

BOBBY (Quietly:)
I believe I owe you all : a very big apology, ya?

EVERETT (Heartbroken:)
:. No. No. It's not your fault.

BOBBY
But it is, I'm afraid. I put on show, raise your hopes, and do not sell for you a single
ticket.
(Pause; to POLLY:)
I am truly sorry.

(BOBBY, stricken, heads slowly for the saloon.)

POLLY
Now wait a second! So what if we didn't sell any tickets? That doesn't mean we're a
failure.

BOBBY
In the theater business, it's a pretty good indication.

POLLY
Well, not out here it ain't. I mean, look at all you've given us. Just look around!
Before you came along, we were nothin' but a bunch of:lazy drifters. We didn't do
anything! Then you showed up and : somethin' magical happened. We've been
workin' together, and carin' about things and feelin' alive!

12. I Got Rhythm

POLLY
Days can be sunny, with never a sigh,
Don't need what money can buy.
Birds in the tree sing their dayful of song.
Why shouldn't we sing along?

I'm chipper all the day,


Happy with my lot.
How did I get that way?
Look at what I've got.

I got rhythm,

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I got music,
I got my man --
Who could ask for anything more?

I got daisies
In green pastures,
I got my man --
Who could ask for anything more?

I got daisies
In green pastures,
I got my man --
Who could ask for anything more?

Old man trouble,


I don't mind him --
You won't find him
'Round my door

I got starlight,
I got sweet dreams,
I got my man --
Who could ask for anything more --
Who could ask for anything more?!

JUNIOR
I got rhythm

CUSTUS
I got music,

POLLY
I got my man --

JUNIOR AND CUSTUS


Who could ask for anything more?

PETE
I got daisies

WYATT
In green pastures

POLLY
I got my man --

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JUNIOR, CUSTUS, PETE AND WYATT


Who could ask for anything more?

POLLY COMPANY
Old man trouble, Oooh-
I don't mind him --
You won't find him Ooooh -
Hangin' 'round my front or back door.

EVERETT
I got starlight

WYATT
I got sweet dreams

POLLY
I got my man --
Who could ask for anything more?

THE BOYS
Who could ask for anything more?!

(Dance break.)

12-I Dance Part One: I Got Rhythm - Polly & Company

THE COMPANY
Old man trouble,
I don't mind him
You won't find him Polly
'Round my door

THE COMPANY POLLY


I got rhythm, Oh...
I got music,
I got my man --
Who could ask for anything more?
I got daisies Oh...
In green pastures
I got my man --
Who could ask for anything more?

(Dance break)

12-II Dance Part two: I Got Rhythm - Company

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(A pause before the final lines - when out of the desert, exhausted and limping, BELA
ZANGLER enters Deadrock, carrying a suitcase.)

ZANGLER
Vater:.Vater:.

(No one sees him, or hears him above the music, and he collapses to the ground in a
dead faint, as the COMPANY sings the final lines at the top of their lungs:)

Who could ask for anything more?!


Who could ask for anything more?!

End of Act One

13. Entr'acte: The Real American Folk Song Is a Rag

ACT TWO

Scene One

Inside LANK's saloon, fifteen minutes later. The COMPANY is having a party,
dancing and drinking. EUGENE and PATRICIA are at a table, finishing dinner.
LANK is beaming. MOOSE, MINGO, SAM and POLLY are entertaining with a
song:

13. The Real American Folk Song Is a Rag

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM


The real American folk song is a rag,
A mental jag
A rhythmic tonic for the chronic blues
The critics called it a joke song
But now they've changed their tune
And they like it somehow
For it's inoculated
With a syncopated sort of meter,
Sweeter than a classic strain
Boy! You can't remain
Still and quiet
For it's a riot!
The real American folk song
Is like a fountain of youth;
You taste, and it elates you.

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And then, invigorates you.


The real American folk song,
Master stroke song,
Is a rag.

(TRIO sings a Scat, Falsetto, Obbligato to Orch. Refrain, 16 Bars.)

THE COMPANY
The real American folk song
Is like the fountain of youth;
You taste, and it elates you,
And then, invigorates you.

THE COMPANY & THE TRIO


The real American folk song --

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM


Yippie Yi-Yoh Ki-Yay Ki-Yoh!

THE COMPANY & THE TRIO


The real American folk song --

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM


Hoodle-lee hoo-day-ee hoodle-ee-hoo-day-ee-oh!

THE COMPANY
The real American folk song
Is a rag.

What a rag!!

13 (cont'd) INCIDENTAL: American Rag - Piano solo

LANK
(Still applauding after the others have stopped; to the Fodors:)
Just marvelous! Wasn't that wonderful? My God, this is a nice place!

EUGENE
We have a bit of laundry for you. Will that be all right?

LANK
Laundry? No problem. Enchante.

PATRICIA
And we'd like a wake-up call, please, at five a.m.

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LANK
:Five a.m.??

EUGENE
We just love seeing the dawn breaking out here in the West.

LANK
:Right.

PATRICIA
Good night, all!

EUGENE
Night-night!

LANK
Good night! Sleep well:and quickly!

(As the FODORS exit up the stairs, and LANK exits to the back room, music out as
BOBBY (as BOBBY) hurries out of his room and down the stairs looking for POLLY.
He spots her at the bar. )

BOBBY
Polly!

POLLY
I'm havin' a drink.

BOBBY
I've got to talk to you.
(He leads her away from the bar.)
This is important.

POLLY
What's up?

BOBBY
Polly:
(He takes a breath - and almost kneels.)
I've really thought about this, and :well, it could be my last chance and : Polly, I want
you to marry me.

POLLY
Bobby -

BOBBY

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Look, I-I-I realize the show didn't work -

POLLY
It's not that -

BOBBY
But I'll get a job, out here, and raise the money -!

POLLY
You can't do that.

BOBBY
Of course I can! Are you kidding? I'll- I'll- I'll- be a cowpoke. I'll learn to poke cows.

POLLY
Bobby. The fact is, I'm in love with Bela.

BOBBY
Polly -

POLLY
Out there on the street just now, it was like a celebration of what our show would
have been like, thanks to him -

BOBBY
Polly -

POLLY
I just can't help it! Whenever I'm with him, I feel somethin' strange, sorta : down in
my basement.
(Pause.)
I'm sorry, Bobby.

(She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek, then heads for the door.)

BOBBY
:Polly!

(She turns. Pause. )

BOBBY
: I've got to tell you something.

POLLY
What?

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BOBBY
: You're not going to believe this.

POLLY
What?!

BOBBY
I'm Bela Zangler.

POLLY
: Huh?

BOBBY
I'm Zangler. Me. I'm him.
(The explanation pours out of him.)
You see, when you got so mad at me, that first day, I-I-I realized there was only one
way I could help, so I called up Tess, and-and-and she brought the clothes and the
beard and : that's who you fell in love with.

(Pause.)

POLLY
Bobby, this is pathetic.

BOBBY
But it's true!

POLLY
How can ya stand there and just lie like this -?

BOBBY
Look, I'll do the accent, okay? "Vell vell vell, it is so nice to see you today -"

POLLY (overlapping)
You are makin' such a fool of yourself -

BOBBY
"Ve have rehearsal now, ya?"

POLLY (overlapping)
This is so sad -

BOBBY
"First ve practice a little tap-dancing -"

POLLY

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Bobby, stop it! I just hate this -!

BOBBY
Polly, you've got to believe me! I'm Zangler!

(At this moment, ZANGLER staggers in from the street, parched and barely able to
stand up.)

ZANGLER
Vater:vater:

(He grabs a bottle of whiskey from the reception desk and starts to drink.)

BOBBY
I'll show you the clothes and-and the beard and makeup! They're upstairs! I'll prove it
to you!

POLLY
Hi, Bela!

BOBBY
(Glancing over his shoulder.)
Hi, Bela.
(Back to POLLY:)
Polly, I wouldn't lie to you! I'd never::

(He stops cold. He looks at ZANGLER - then drops to the ground. A group from the
bar gathers 'round him in concern.)

POLLY
'Night, Bobby. Nice try.

(She heads for ZANGLER.)

PATSY
Hey, Bobby! Are you all right?!

POLLY (To ZANGLER:)


Hi.

ZANGLER
How do you do.

(She kisses him on the mouth. BOBBY sees it and groans. She kisses ZANGLER
again, with increasing passion. BOBBY groans louder and grabs a bottle of liquor
from CUSTUS. As the kiss continues, POLLY rubs her hand down ZANGLER's leg.)

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BOBBY
Oh, my God:

(BOBBY heads up the stairs, drinking from the bottle. At last, POLLY breaks the
kiss.)

ZANGLER
Thank you.

POLLY (Sexy:)
'Night, Bela.
(Matter-of-factly, calling up the stairs:)
'Night, Bobby!

(POLLY exits. BOBBY groans and exits into his room. ZANGLER is staring at the
door where POLLY exited. TESS hurries up to ZANGLER.)

TESS
Bela! What are you doing here?!

ZANGLER
I don't know, but I'm coming back.

TESS
You could ruin everything!

ZANGLER
Tessie! I have come three thousand miles just to be vith you!

(He starts kissing her arm and works his way to her neck.)

TESS
Stop it, stop it. Would you - Oooooh.

(She's momentarily turned on; then get a hold of herself.)

Bela, how many times do I have to tell you?! I don't enjoy your company, I'm bored
when I'm with you, and I don't find you even remotely attractive.

ZANGLER
You see? Ve could be married already.

TESS
And how is Mrs. Zangler?

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ZANGLER
She left me.

TESS
You're kidding.

ZANGLER
She is running around vith some stinking louse!

TESS
I guess she couldn't break the habit.

ZANGLER
Tessie! Vhy do you say such things?! You know I vould do anything for you!

TESS
(A sudden thought.)
: Anything?

ZANGLER
Vithin reason.

TESS
: I think I have an idea.

(TESS drags ZANGLER to a corner of the room and they continue to talk.
Meanwhile, IRENE and LANK enter at the balcony at the same time, each from a
different room.)

IRENE
Mr. Hawkins!

LANK
What?!

IRENE
(Thrusting her room-service tray at LANK.)
In case you're wondering, the coffee was cold, the food was inedible, and the cutlery
was filthy.

LANK
Madam, if you don't like it here, I can show you the wide open spaces!

IRENE
I have no desire to look inside your head!

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(THE BOYS laugh, as IRENE exits back into her room and LANK heads down the
stairs and exits to the back room.)

LANK
: GOD!

(He's gone. At which point, we refocus on ZANGLER and TESS.)

ZANGLER
I do not do shows in desert!

TESS
We have the show! We need an audience.

ZANGLER
This is middle of no place!

TESS
Well advertise! Get the word out! You could do it!

ZANGLER
It is impossible!

TESS
(A beat, then:)
Fine. Don't ever kiss this neck again.

(She walks away, but ZANGLER follows her.)

ZANGLER
Tessie, please! It vouldn't vork! This is town of morons!

TESS
That is so typical.

ZANGLER
Tessie -

TESS
These are nice, normal, healthy people.

(At this moment, WYATT comes up to TESS and takes her arm.)

WYATT
Hey, sugar, how 'bout a drink?

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TESS
You got it, buster.

ZANGLER
Tessie!

BILLY
Hey! Wait a second! That's my woman!

WYATT (Laughing:)
Well, not anymore.

BILLY
I SAID LET HER GO!!

WYATT
I SAID NO!!

(The two BOYS start fighting: a right to the jaw, a left to the stomach. Instantly, some
of the other BOYS join the battle. JIMMY crashes in through the bar doors and starts
shooting. Gunfire is exchanged. The BOYS are dying right and left. The battle ends
with JIMMY shooting BILLY, who falls from the balcony onto the bar, then onto the
floor, rolling over and over as he dies. Meanwhile, the GIRLS are screaming. A beat,
then BILLY rolls over for a last time. Silence. Then ZANGLER pours himself a
drink, his hand shaking.)

ZANGLER
Nice, normal, healthy people:

(The dead men rise and dust themselves off.)

BILLY
It's gettin' better.

CUSTUS
Which one was that?

WYATT
The Dalton Boys meet the Clanton Gang!

PATSY
You were so brave!

WYATT
Thank ya, ma'am.

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(The BOYS and GIRLS - including TESS - drift out to the street. ZANGLER stares
after them in amazement, retracing BILLY's fall with his finger. By this time,
everyone's gone, his bottle is empty, and he's extremely drunk. He's alone in the
saloon. He walks to the bar for another bottle.)

ZANGLER (Calling out:)


Tessie!
(No answer.)
Tessie:

(A beat, then BOBBY - in his ZANGLER costume - appears at the top of the stairs,
falling-down drunk, carrying an empty whiskey bottle.)

BOBBY
(With his ZANGLER accent - which he uses throughout the rest of the scene:)
Polly! Look! It's me:! Do you see? It's me! :
(But she's gone; for a moment, we see the two ZANGLERS.)
Polly, Polly, Polly:

ZANGLER
Tessie, Tessie, Tessie:

(ZANGLER walks behind the bar for another bottle stumbles and falls out of sight
with a crash. BOBBY heads down the stairs, loses his footing and careens down the
steps, almost killing himself.)

BOBBY
(Like a baseball umpire:)
Safe!

(BOBBY manages to walk down the final step, then weaves his way to the bar. On
the bar are two plates, each with a hot dog in a bun on a napkin. BOBBY puts down
his empty bottle and hits the bar three times, to call the bartender, but on the third hit,
he falls to the floor -at which point, ZANGLER stands up, puts his full bottle on the
bar, sees BOBBY's empty, takes it, and ducks behind the bar again - just as BOBBY
stands up. In other words, they still haven't seen each other. BOBBY now sees the full
bottle, and he takes it, along with one of the plates, and weaves toward the table. As
he goes, ZANGLER stands up again with another full bottle. He takes the other plate
and follows BOBBY to the table. They both sit at the table (at the same time) still
oblivious to each other. Facing each other, they both take a bite of their hot dogs and
chew, looking straight at each other. A mirror image. They assume it's a mirror and
therefore don't react. They just chew. Then they each take another bite and chew some
more. Then they bend towards each other - and they both wipe their mouths to
remove some mustard. They simultaneously uncork their bottles, pour a drink into
their shot glasses, cross their legs and drink - and then gargle.)

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BOTH
She doesn't vant me!
(Pause.)
Bela, Bela, Bela:

(They look at each other - take off their glasses for a better look - pull their eyes open
and see how awful they both look, moan, and pour themselves another drink.
ZANGLER is about to drink, but BOBBY holds out his glass for a toast. ZANGLER
notices this and clinks glasses. They're about to drink, when they both realize that this
wouldn't happen in a mirror. They pause; then shrug and say "Eh," and drink their
drinks. They put down their drinks. BOBBY belches loudly. ZANGLER hits his chest
and says:)

ZANGLER
Excuse me.

(A beat, then they suddenly become bitter.)

BOBBY
:Vomen.

ZANGLER
Vomen.

BOBBY
I'm so upset.

ZANGLER
I am beside myself.

(A beat, then they look at each other.)

14. What Causes That

ZANGLER
She's so full of trickery,
Life is bitter as chicory,
Bitterness fills my cup.

BOBBY
I'm sorry you brought that up.
Once I thought I'd search around
For the little church around
The corner, but now I see.

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BOTH
It never was meant to be.

ZANGLER
Once she used to praise me.

BOBBY
Why is she so high hat?

ZANGLER
Boy, does she amaze me.

BOTH
Tell me what causes that?!

BOBBY
When I'm away from her I start despairing.

BOTH
Oy Oy Oy Oy Oy -

ZANGLER
You ought to know by now what causes that!

BOBBY
I got pretty good idea.

ZANGLER
I'm growing balder from the hair I'm tearing.

BOTH
Sheeeeeee:.

BOBBY
You ought to know by now what causes that!
When she keeps on brushing you aside
Oh gosh, you're all at sea!
You go contemplating suicide --
It's much too much for me!

You're not so dumb that you don't know the answer.


Loving her is what causes that!

(They get their hands tangled in the backs of their chairs.)

ZANGLER (Climbing a chair.)

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If I should climb the Brooklyn Bridge and jump off.

BOBBY
Vait, you could hurt yourself.

ZANGLER
That's the idea.

BOBBY
Oh, I suppose you'd ask what causes that?

ZANGLER
I'm depressed.

BOBBY
You're depressed? I'm not myself today.

If I should get a gun and bump this chump off.

ZANGLER
Point that thing the other vay!

Oh, I suppose you'd ask what causes that?

BOTH
Really you don't have to mope around
And burn up as you do,
There's a cannon and rope around,
There's lots of poison too!

I'm very blue of late and there's a reason:

ZANGLER
Loving her...

BOBBY
Loving her...

BOTH
Is what causes that!

(They dance.)

I'm very blue of late and there's a reason:


Loving her is what causes that!
...Is what causes that!

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...Is what causes that!


...Is what causes that!

(They weave their way back to the table, try to grab their glasses and miss. They
stumble underneath the table - reach up and get their glasses - and clink. On the last
note of the song, they faint, out cold, their heads next to each other. Blackout. On
applause, music segues to:)

14a. SCENE CHANGE - Bobby Wakes up

(Music fades out under opening dialogue of next Scene.)

Scene Two

LANK's Saloon, the next morning, about 10 o'clock. Sun is streaming in from the
doorway. BOBBY and ZANGLER are just where we left them - out cold, looking
identical, under the table. PETE, JUNIOR and HARRY are cleaning up from the
night before. CUSTUS is also there. They're all depressed; and none of them has
noticed the two men under the table. After a beat, POLLY enters with her mail bag
and a few letters.

POLLY
Mail call!

(The BOYS just look at her - and go back to what they were doing. POLLY sighs. It's
the same old thing.)

POLLY
Now don't forget, we got a company meetin' in twenty minutes over at the theater.

CUSTUS
I don't see what that'll prove.

JUNIOR
It's too late now.

POLLY
Well we gotta decide what to do, don't we? We still got two weeks left on that
mortgage.

HARRY
Two weeks.

PETE
Big deal.

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POLLY
Well we gotta do somethin'. I'd rather sell the place to Lank than let that bank have it.

CUSTUS
(Offering POLLY a mug of tea.)
Tea?

POLLY
Thanks.

(She takes a sip of teas as she flips through the mail; she sees something for BOBBY
and hollers up the stairs.)

POLLY
HEY, BOBY!!! YOU UP THERE?!! HEY!!!
(No answer.)
BOBBY!! YA GOT A TELEGRAM!!

(BOBBY gets to his knees. He has a hangover and a splitting headache. He also has
no idea that he's dressed as Zangler - so of course, he uses his own voice.)

BOBBY
(Singing:)
I got rhythm, I got music. I got such a headache! Ohhhh..Morning, Polly. Oh, my
back! Oh, my legs! My stomach! My throat:
(He touches his cheek and can't find his nose.)
My nose?!
(He finds his nose and sighs with relief.)
:Is that my telegram?

(POLLY and the BOYS hear BOBBY'S voice from ZANGLER's body, and stare at
him dumbfounded. Throughout the following speech, they continue to stare, without
moving, their mouths agape.)

BOBBY
(He takes the telegram out of her hand.)
I'll be it's from Mother again. That's just what I need right.
(He tears the telegram open and reads it:)
"Dear Fat-head. Stop." Yep. It's Mom. "Stop this nonsense. Stop. This is your final
notice. Stop." Sounds like an electric bill. "Get back here on next train. Stop. Don't
stop. Stop. Will stop allowance if you stop. Stop. Your loving mother. Stop.
(A beat, then:)
P.S. Your uncle stopped by."
(A beat, then:)
I wish she'd write letters.
(As he puts the telegram away, he starts to realize that something's not right; he looks

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around; nobody moves.)


What's the matter? :Polly? :Hello:?

POLLY
(Almost a whisper)
:Is that you?

(At this point, ZANGLER wakes up, moans and gets to his feet.)

ZANGLER
(Also hungover.)
Ohhhh:

(BOBBY sees ZANGLER.)

BOBBY
Hi, Bela.
(:and then it hits him; he touches his beard.)
Uh-oh.

POLLY
:Bobby?

BOBBY
Hi. : Well, I guess you believe me now, huh? Are you ready for this?
(He peels off his beard and moustache.)
This is the best part.
(He pulls off his wig.)
Ta-da!

ZANGLER
Do you also do James Cagney?

BOBBY
(Singing, a cappella)
"Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you." Remember that? "Embrace me, you
irreplaceable -

(WHAP!!! She slaps him across the face, sending him reeling.)

BOBBY
Polly - !

(WHAP!!! She slaps him again. A beat, then he falls to his knees, moans and holds
the sides of his head in pain.)

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BOBBY
What was that for?! You're in love with me. You admitted it!

POLLY
That was Zangler!

ZANGLER
Me?

POLLY
Not you!

ZANGLER
There is third Zangler?

POLLY
The one I cared about! The real Zangler!

BOBBY
That's what I'm telling you! That was me!

ZANGLER
You mean you are real Zangler?

BOBBY
I'm not the real Zangler. I'm : Zangler.

ZANGLER
Then who am I?

POLLY
That's what I want to know!

ZANGLER
: I'm not so sure.

POLLY
I don't even know who I kissed last night!!

BOBBY & ZANGLER


(Both raise their hands.)
Me.

POLLY
Oh, my God :

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ZANGLER
She kissed you too?

BOBBY
Of course she kissed me!

ZANGLER
Had you met her before?

BOBBY
I fell in love with her!

ZANGLER
That must have been some kiss.

POLLY
Would ya stop this!

ZANGLER
Stop?

POLLY
Stop!

BOBBY
(Pulling out the telegram.)
You sound like my mother.

POLLY
(To BOBBY)
You made a jackass outta me.

BOBBY
No, I didn't.

POLLY
Of course ya did.

BOBBY
I did not!

ZANGLER
Maybe I did.

BOBBY & POLLY


Would you stay out of this!

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(POLLY groans with embarrassment and heads angrily for the door.)

BOBBY
Polly - !

POLLY
(Stopping at the door.)
I have never been so humiliated in my whole life.

(She exits. Pause.)

CUSTUS
(To BOBBY)
I guess you won't be at that meetin' now, will ya?

BOBBY
: What meeting?

JUNIOR
Down at the theater. We're decidin' what to do.

CUSTUS
She's thinkin' of sellin' the place to Lank.

BOBBY
She can't do that! You've got to stop her!

THE BOYS
Oh, yeah. Fat chance. (etc.)

BOBBY
What time's the meeting?

MINGO
In about ten minutes.

BOBBY
(Heading up the stairs.)
I've got to change. Don't start the meeting without me!

(By this time, ZANGLER is on the balcony, about to enter his room.)

ZANGLER
Excuse me.

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BOBBY
Yeah?

ZANGLER
Are you going as me or you?

BOBBY
Me.

ZANGLER
That's good. Then I can go as me.

(ZANGLER exits, as BOBBY hurries up the rest of the stairs - and runs straight into
IRENE, who comes out of her room.)

IRENE
There you are. Are you ready to go now?

BOBBY
I can't now! I'm in a hurry!

IRENE
I've been waiting in this stinking town for three days!

BOBBY
Irene, please! I don't have time!

IRENE
Well, make some time! I am your fiancee.

BOBBY
No, you're not!

IRENE
Bobby -!

BOBBY
Irene, I'm sorry. It's really over. I'm in love with Polly.

IRENE
Bobby - !

BOBBY
Wish me luck.
(He kisses her cheek.)
You're a pal.

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(He exits into his room.)

IRENE
Bobby, come back here! Open up!!
(He's gone.)
Damn! Damn! Damn!

(At this moment, LANK runs in from the corridor, clutching dirty laundry, past
IRENE and down the stairs, looking madly around for a place to hide.)

LANK
You haven't seen me!

(At which point, PATRICIA and EUGENE enter from the corridor. WYATT and
MINGO enter from the street.)

PATRICIA
Oh, Mr. Hawkins!

(LANK freezes.)

EUGENE
You won't be long with that laundry, will you?

LANK
(The Frenchman)
No no no no no. Toot sweet.

PATRICIA
And we do hate to bother you again, but we'd like some croissants with our coffee.
That won't be too much trouble, will it, dear?

LANK
Croissants? No no no no no.

PATRICIA
Isn't he silly.

(The FODORS exit.)

LANK
(To himself)
I suppose if they were found dead tomorrow morning there might be questions:

IRENE

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It does say "hotel," you know. On the sign.

LANK
: Excuse me?

IRENE
The sign. It says "hotel."

LANK
Does it? Oh, my God, it does. Well, we'll just take care of that, shall we?

(He walks to the sign : then suddenly yanks it from the reception desk and starts
banging it on the desk. Venting his rage, he breaks it over his head, then mauls it into
little pieces and jumps on it, grunting and swearing. Just as suddenly, the rage ends.
During LANK's business, CUSTUS & PETE exit through door behind reception
desk.)

LANK
Well. Anything else you'd like to complain about?

IRENE
You're a very frustrated man, aren't you?

LANK
Oh, I see! It's Dr. Freud now, is it?! Well, Doctor, what I really hate are stupid women
from New York who have their brains in their backsides -!

IRENE
You are, without a doubt, the rudest, most uncouth, roughest man I ever met!

(Without warning, she grabs him and kisses him full on the lips. She breaks it and
reels backward, hitting the wall.)

IRENE
Oh, my God:

(She kisses him again. Then she shoves him into a chair and pulls the chair to the
table.)

IRENE
(To the BOYS at the table)
Move.

(The BOYS scatter in fear, taking their bottles with them.)

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15. Naughty Baby

IRENE
If you want a girl who's sentimental,
One who'll never set you in a whirl,
One who will be always sweet and gentle,
I am not that kind of girl.
But if you prefer a rather swift one,
If you think you'd like to run around
With a bright one
I am just the right one.

(During the song, IRENE seduces LANK.)

Naughty baby,
Naughty baby,
Who will tease you.
I can show the way
And know the way
To please you.
If you're wanting a beginner
I shan't do
I can make a saint a sinner
When I want to.

If you find
The simple kind
Are rather slow, dear,
Then you ought to try
A naughty one
You know, dear,
But you'll never meet another who will be
A naughty baby, naughty baby just like me.

(Dance break. IRENE ties LANK's ankles and wrists with her scarf, then dances with
four of the BOYS to make LANK jealous.)

HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR AND MINGO


Naughty baby we love you.

IRENE
At Bryn Mawr, I was at the top of my class.

HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR AND MINGO


Though you may be bad it's true

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IRENE
All the boys were underneath.

HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR AND MINGO


Please don't go.
For though we've been warned about you
You must know
That we want you so!

(By this time, LANK has freed himself, and he throws the four BOYS, one by one,
out the door of the saloon.)

IRENE
If you find the simple kind are rather slow, dear,
Then you ought to try a naughty one, you know, dear,
But you'll never meet another who will be
A naught baby, naughty baby...

LANK
Naughty baby, naughty baby...

HARRY, WYATT JUNIOR AND MINGO


(Looking in through the door.)
Naughty baby...

IRENE
Just like me.

(Blackout.)

Scene Three

Stage of the theatre, ten minutes later, just behind the curtain. EVERETT is alone
with his vacuum cleaner (which makes a very loud buzz), vacuuming the stage. His
spirits are low. After a moment, TESS and PATSY enter.

TESS
(Shouting over the noise)
Everett! : Everett, would you turn that thing off!

EVERETT
What?

PATSY
Would you turn that thing off! The meeting is starting!

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EVERETT
I can't hear you with the machine on!

TESS
I said, would you turn that thing - :
(She realizes how dumb she's being; sighs and pulls the plug.)
The meeting is starting.

EVERETT
Oh, dear.

(He takes the vacuum cleaner off stage.)

PATSY
We have to decide about the show. It's now or never!

EVERETT
You know, I just love seeing you kids perform. That's how I got started. I tap danced
for ten years.

PATSY
Wow! I get tired after ten minutes!

EVERETT
(Pulling a rope and raising the curtain.)
Ever since you kids fixed this place up, I could just look at it all day.

15a. INCIDENTAL: Crazy for You (Music Box)

(We now see the AUDITORIUM. Repainted and renewed, cherubs gleaming, the
place looks glorious. It's filled with the entire COMPANY (except BOBBY,
ZANGLER, LANK and IRENE), sitting on chairs. There's an aisle down the middle
of the chairs, and at the end of the aisle (downstage) is a table for conducting the
business of the meeting. Upstage center are double doors leading to the lobby.)

EVERETT
It's just the way I remember it.
(Pause.)
I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage.
(Music out.)
Standing there behind the footlights -

THE COMPANY
(Unable to contain themselves)
Forget the old lady! Shut up! Enough already!

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TESS
Would you all just shut up!!!

(They quiet down - as BOBBY rushes in.)

BOBBY
Am I late? Have you started?

CUSTUS
Ya just made it.

(BOBBY sits. There's an awkward pause. Then TESS gets up to try to help.)

TESS
All right. Now I think that Polly should be in charge of the meeting.

(General agreement.)

POLLY
I'd rather not, if ya don't mind. I'm just not in the mood right now.

BOBBY
But it's your theater!

(General agreement.)

POLLY
Kindly tell Mr. Child that he ain't involved in this without his beard and funny
moustache.

TESS
Hey. Fellas :

BOBBY
Will somebody tell Miss Baker, please, that she happened to fall in love with that
moustache.

POLLY
Like hell I did!

BOBBY
You know you did.

POLLY
I did not!

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TESS
: Well, this is off to a good start.

POLLY
I ain't havin' this meetin' with him here!

BOBBY
Well, you'll have to, because I'm not leaving.

(They both sit. A beat, then PATSY raises her hand.)

TESS
Patsy.

PATSY
(Urgently)
Can I go to the bathroom?

TESS
Yes.

(PATSY exits in a hurry through the double doors - and runs into ZANGLER, who is
just entering. ZANGLER takes a seat at the back. TESS sits; and BOBBY stands up.)

BOBBY
Look. The question is simple. We have two weeks left. Now do we try the show again
or don't we? I say we do.
(A beat, then:)
Everett. What do you think?

EVERETT
Oh, dear. Well. You all did so much work, making this place so beautiful again : I'd
really rather that we all made that decision together. Polly?

POLLY
: Well. I guess that, under the circumstances, we have not choice but to give it up.

(General agreement.)

BOBBY
(To POLLY)
How can you say that?!

POLLY
I wasn't talkin' to you!

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BOBBY
For God's sake -!

POLLY
Well, how do ya think I feel?! Huh? But we tried it once and it didn't work!

BOBBY
We can try it again! Polly. Just look around! It's a theater! We can still bring it back to
life!

(The doors at the back open, and PATSY returns. She sighs with great relief and takes
her seat.)

JUNIOR
To tell ya the truth, I don't think I got the energy for it.

MITZI
It was kind of depressing, with only two people showing up.

JIMMY
And they didn't even come for the show!

CUSTUS
I think it's kind of a losin' cause, if ya ask me.

THE COMPANY
Me, too. That's what I think. We tried it once. (etc.)

(BOBBY sighs. He can't believe it. Amidst the chatter, EUGENE and PATRICIA
come forward.)

PATRICIA
Excuse me. Maybe we say something?

EUGENE
Patricia and I can see that you're all rather down in the dumps about this show of
yours. But in our part of the world, we have a few sayings about this sort of thing.
Stiff upper lip.

PATRICIA
Carry on.

EUGENE & PATRICIA


Chin up!

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BOBBY
Stiff upper lip.

POLLY
Carry on.

EUGENE & PATRICIA


Chin up!

17. Stiff Upper Lip

BOBBY
Stiff upper lip!

EUGENE
Stout fella!

BOBBY
Carry on

EUGENE
Old stuff!

BOBBY
Chin up!

EUGENE & PATRICIA


Keep muddling though!

POLLY
Stiff upper lip!

PATRICIA
Stout fella!

POLLY
When the going's rough!

POLLY & BOBBY


Pip-pip to old man trouble
And a toodle-oo, too!

EUGENE & PATRICIA


Carry on though thick and thin
If you feel you're in the right
Let the fighting spirit win!

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POLLY & BOBBY, EUGENE & PATRICIA


Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

THE COMPANY
Stiff upper lip! Stout fella!
When you're in a stew!
Sober or blotto,
This is your motto:

BOBBY, POLLY, EUGENE AND PATRICIA


Keep muddling through!

(Dance break. During the dance, BOBBY and POLLY start competing with each
other. They try to get to the same chair; then they try to get on the table. Each time
they go for the table, different members of the COMPANY beat them to it and start to
dance.)

POLLY AND BOBBY


Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

THE COMPANY
Stiff upper lip! Stout fella!
When you're in a stew!

(Dance break.)

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM


(During dance break.)
I'm bidin' my time
Cause that's the kind of guy I'm
There's no regrettin'
When I'm settin'
Bidin' my time.

POLLY THE COMPANY


Carry on through Chin up!
Thick and thin Keep muddling through!
If you feel you're Chin up!
In the right Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
Let the fighting
Spirit win!

THE COMPANY
Stiff upper lip!
Stout fella!

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When you're in a stew!


Sober or blotto,
This is our motto:

(Dance break.)

Keep right on muddling through!


Chin up!

(As the enthusiasm of the COMPANY build, the number turns into an anthem. By the
end, the chairs and table have been made into a barricade. BOBBY and POLLY are at
the top and a huge red flag is being waved at the back. This, of course, is meant to be
reminiscent of Les Miserables.)

BOBBY
Okay! So how do we vote?! All in favor of trying the show again, say aye!

(BOBBY, POLLY, TESS & EVERETT raise their hands.)

BOBBY, POLLY, TESS & EVERETT


Aye!

(A beat, then BOBBY and POLLY look at each other.)

CUSTUS
All in favor of forgettin' about it?

EVERYONE ELSE
AYE!

BOBBY
I can't believe this!

CUSTUS
Well, heck, Bobby. You know it won't work.

MITZI
We tried it once.

JUNIOR
I just don't have the energy.

MOOSE
Why bother if nobody comes.

(Everybody wanders off.)

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BOBBY
Hey. Wait a second. What happened to stiff upper lip? Patsy? (ad lib.)

(Everyone's gone, leaving BOBBY and POLLY alone at the top of the barricade.
Pause.)

BOBBY
Well. At least we tried.

POLLY
We sure did.

BOBBY
Sorry.

POLLY
It ain't your fault : Entirely.

(They climb down.)

BOBBY
Well. So-long.

POLLY
: Where are ya goin'?

BOBBY
Back to New York.

POLLY (Shocked)
: You're leavin'?

BOBBY
Well, there's nothing to keep me her now, is there?

(Pause. Music starts under for next number.)

POLLY
: I guess not.

BOBBY
I guess not.

(Pause. BOBBY extends his hand and they shake.)

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BOBBY
Thanks.

POLLY
What for?

BOBBY
A lot of fun. A few broken teeth.

18. They Can't Take That Away From Me

BOBBY
The way you wear your hat,
The way you sip your tea,
The memory of all that --
No, no! They can't take that away from me!

The way your smile just beams,


The way you sing off key,
The way you haunt my dreams --
No, no! They can't take that away from me!

We can never, never meet again


On the bumpy road to love,
Still I'll always, always keep
The memory of --

The way you hold your knife,


The way we danced 'til three.
The way you changed my life --
No, no! They can't take that away from me!
No! They can't take that away from me!

(BOBBY exits, and the music continues. POLLY is stunned. She knows for certain
now that she loves him, and she's ready to cry. Instead, she matter-of-factly starts
straightening the chairs, as if nothing's wrong.)

19. But Not For Me

POLLY
They're writing songs of love,
But not for me:
A lucky star's above,
But not for me.

With love to lead the way,

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I've found more skies of gray


Than any Russian play
Could guarantee.

I was a fool to fail!


And get that way,
Heigh ho! Alas!
And also lackaday!

Although I can't dismiss


The memory of his kiss...

(ZANGLER suddenly enter, trailed by TESS and some of the BOYS. POLLY remains
onstage, at the side, for all of the following, but she doesn't react to it. She's too
bereft. Music continues to fade.)

ZANGLER
This is incredible! Tessie, vhy didn't you tell me?!

TESS
You wouldn't listen!

ZANGLER
These men are vonderful! They dance! They sing! They got rhythm!

TESS
I told you that!

ZANGLER
Okay, ve start on show this minute!

(He pulls out a check fold, starts writing checks and tearing them off. Music fades
out. As he writes each check, he hands it to one of the BOYS.)

ZANGLER
New posters.

CUSTUS
A thousand dollars?!

ZANGLER
Use picture of pretty girl. It alvays vorks.
(Another check.)
I want busses at junction, meeting every train!

BILLY

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(Grabbing check.)
You got it!

MOOSE
(Grabbing the check from BILLY.)
You got it!

ZANGLER
(Another check.)
Ve advertise in papers, all over state.

WYATT
In every paper?

ZANGLER
In this state, how many could that be? : Now I vant everybody on stage for rehearsal
in ten minutes!

THE BOYS
Okay! You got it!

ZANGLER
And somebody clean up this mess. It looks like French Revolution.

(The BOYS grab the chairs and table and exit.)

TESS
So I was right about these guys, huh?

ZANGLER
The cowboys? They're okay.

TESS
"Okay?!"

ZANGLER
Tessie. I do this for you.

(Pause.)

TESS
No kidding.
(A beat, then)
This isn't like you.

ZANGLER

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I know. That's vhat vorries me.

(TESS thinks about this for a beat, then exits. ZANGLER is about to follow, when he
sees POLLY, and walks up to her.)

ZANGLER
Young lady.
(She's in her own world.)
Young lady.

POLLY
Huh?

ZANGLER
You are very good dancer.

POLLY
Thanks.

ZANGLER
Vhere did you learn this?

POLLY
: From a : friend.

ZANGLER
You are also good kisser.

POLLY
Thanks.

ZANGLER
By the vay, I got big news for your boyfriend. I make him star of show.
(No response.)
Frankly, I thought he vas moron.
(No response.)
Vell : he is moron. But he is talented moron.

POLLY
He's gone.

ZANGLER
: Excuse me?

POLLY
He's gone. He left town.

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ZANGLER
: You are sure of this?!
(She nods her head yes.)
Okay. Ve find somebody else. That's show business : You know, you could be star of
show.

POLLY
I don't think so :

(Music starts under for next number.)

ZANGLER
Are you all right?

POLLY
I'm fine.

ZANGLER
Good.

(He exits.)

19 (cont'd) Reprise: But Not for Me

It started of so swell,
This "let's pretend."
It all began so well,
But what an end!
The climax of a plot,
Should be the marriage knot,
But there's no knot for me.

(The lights fade to black.)

19a. SCENE CHANGE - New Promenade


(Music continues for change of scene and fades out under opening dialogue of next
scene.)
Scene Four

Street in front f the Zangler Theater, six weeks later, about 6 o'clock in the evening.
New Yorkers are passing to and fro. Then MOTHER and BOBBY enter, along with
THREE MEMBERS of MOTHER'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS. BOBBY is wearing
a banker's suit and is carrying a stack of unruly documents. As they enter, he's reading
from the top document.

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BOBBY
"Event of Default is hereby defined as a breach of any affirmative or negative
covenants contained in Article 5 hereof -"

MOTHER
(Interrupting him)
We need Addendum A.

BOBBY
Addendum A.

(He hands it to her.)

MOTHER
Addendum B.

BOBBY
Addendum B.

(He hands it to her.)

MOTHER
Addendum C.

BOBBY
Addendum C.

(He hands it to her.)

MOTHER
Now where's the Appendix?

BOBBY
(Pointing to his stomach, trying to lighten things up.)
I think it's about here.

MOTHER
Bobby, you have been back here for six weeks and you haven't learned anything.

BOBBY
I know.

MOTHER
Where's your head?!

BOBBY

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Deadrock.

MOTHER
I didn't ask what's in it. What's it thinking?

BOBBY
Well. There's this girl :

MOTHER
Not again.

BOBBY
It's the same one.

MOTHER
Well, forget about her! :And remember, Bobby, whoever you marry requires my prior
approval.
(A beat, then)
Now come over here.
(She holds up a document.)
I have a little surprise for you. We foreclosed on another property.
(She hands it to him.)
Happy Birthday.

BOBBY
Gee, I don't know what to :
(He scans the document; not enthused.)
A "Deed of Trust." Wow:

MOTHER
It means you own the property.

BOBBY
Great. Thanks.

(He starts to pocket the lease. MOTHER sighs with frustration.)

MOTHER
Aren't you going to ask me what property?

BOBBY
Okay. What property?

MOTHER
(Indicating the Zangler Theatre.)
This one.

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(Long pause. BOBBY looks at the theater; then at MOTHER; then back at the
theater.)

BOBBY
You're kidding.

MOTHER
(Pleased with herself)
The Zangler Theater.

BOBBY
: I own the theater?

MOTHER
It's all yours.

(Pause. BOBBY is stunned. His heart is racing. He touches the side of the building.
It's like a dream.)

BOBBY
Oh, my God :

MOTHER
You always wanted to dance on stage. Now you have a stage to dance on. It's your
toy.

BOBBY
Mother, you're wonderful!

(He takes off his overcoat and hat, then climbs up the rain spout to the roof of the
building.)

MOTHER
Be careful, dear. : Hopefully, this will keep you here in New York.

BOBBY
(Calling out to New York and everybody in it)
It's mine!!
(He laughs like a mad scientist.)
The whole theater! Every single uncomfortable seat!

MOTHER
I thought you'd like it.

BOBBY

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Like it?! This is -


(Then suddenly he stops cold; a though strikes him.)
Wait a second. What happened to Zangler?

MOTHER
He couldn't meet the payments. Apparently he's wasting all his money on that silly
theater in Nevada. I understand he's doing it for some woman.

BOBBY
(To himself)
He's doing it for Tess.

MOTHER
I don't know her name!

BOBBY
(Suddenly feeling awful)
Oh, my god :

MOTHER
Shall we look around?
(No response.)
Bobby?

BOBBY
: I'll be right there.

(MOTHER exits into the theater through the stage door with her DIRECTORS.)

BOBBY (Longingly:)
Polly:

20. Nice Work If You Can Get It

(At which point, five of our FOLLIES GIRLS appear from nowhere and start singing.
BOBBY is having another of his fantasies. The GIRLS are his conscience.)

THE GIRLS
The man who only live for making money
Lives a life that isn't necessarily sunny;
Likewise the man who works for fame --
There's no guarantee that time won't erase his name
The fact is
The only work that really brings enjoyment
Is the kind that is for girl and boy meant.
Fall in love -- you won't regret it.

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That's the best work of all -- if you can get it.

Holding hands at midnight


'Neath a starry sky...

BOBBY
Oh that is nice work if you can get it.

THE GIRLS
And you can get it -- if you try.

Strolling with the one girl


Sighing sigh after sigh...

BOBBY
Oh nice work if you can get it.

THE GIRLS
And you can get it -- if you try.

Just imagine someone


Waiting at the cottage door.

ELAINE, LOUISE AND SUSIE (echo)


Waiting at the cottage door

THE GIRLS
Where two hearts become one...

THE GIRLS AND BOBBY


Who could ask for anything more?

THE GIRLS
Loving one who loves you,
And then taking that vow...

THE GIRLS AND BOBBY


Nice work if you can get it,

THE GIRLS
And if you get it --

BOBBY
Won't you tell me how?

THE GIRLS

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And you can get it -- if you try.


And you can get it -- if you try.
And you can get it -- if you try.
And you can get it -- if you try.

(The GIRLS disappear. Dance break. During the dance, MOTHER and her
DIRECTORS come out of the theater. As BOBBY does a leap, the DIRECTORS
catch him in mid-air.)

MOTHER
Well, you missed the tour and there's no more time now. As it is, we'll just make the
meeting.
(She heads off down the street - then realizes that BOBBY hasn't moved.)
Bobby, come on!

(MOTHER and the DIRECTORS exit.)

BOBBY
Holding hands at midnight
'Neath a starry sky...
Nice work if you can get it
And you can get it -- if you try.

Strolling with the one girl


Sighing sigh after sigh...
Nice work if you can get it
And you can get it -- if you try

Who could ask for anything more?

(BOBBY dances. During the dance, BOBBY realizes that even this theater can't
replace POLLY. He pulls out the Deed of Trust : makes his decision : and rips it in
half, then half again, then half again : and throws the pieces away. As he exits with
determination: Blackout. Music segues on applause. The opening can-can music of
next number serves as the scene change music then continues for vocal.)

Scene Five

Main Street, Deadrock, three days later. It's the Deadrock we know, but everything
about it is brighter and more prosperous. There are fairy lights around all the
buildings; and the area in front of the saloon is now an outdoor cafe, with tables and
umbrellas. Various COWBOYS and FOLLIES GIRLS are present in the street and as
cafe customers. A brightly colored sign over the saloon says "CHEZ LANK."
EUGENE and PATRICIA are sitting at one of the tables, having dinner. LANK looks
quite spiffy now, with an apron on over his newly-pressed suit. IRENE is with him,

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her hands over his eyes. Then she surprises him by showing him the sign over the
cafe. They embrace lovingly. Over the street is a banner that reads "THE ZANGLER
FOLLIES". As the lights come up, the COWBOY TRIO, dressed as French waiters,
enter carrying trays of champagne and glasses, singing:

21. Bidin' My Time (French Reprise)

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM


Je suis bidin' mon temps
Parce que c'est mon genre
Et les autres s'enervent, mais
Moi, je vais continuer
Bidin' mon temps.

L'annee prochaine, l'annee prochaine,


Il se passe quelque chose
Maintenant, maintenant
Moi, je me repose.

(At this moment, POLLY hurries out of the theater toward the General Store, with
ZANGLER pursuing her. POLLY is wearing a traveling dress and carries a suitcase -
and she's extremely upset. A true crisis. During the following, EVERETT enters from
the theater. Accordion music continues under dialogue.)

ZANGLER
Miss Baker!

POLLY
I ain't goin' on!

ZANGLER
But you are star of sow! People are vaiting inside to see you!

POLLY
Well, I just can't do it! I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!

EVERETT
Bela -

POLLY
Custus!

EVERETT
Let me talk to he. I'm sure I can take care of this.

ZANGLER

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This is your fault! You raise prima donna!

(ZANGLER exits into the theater. Music out.)

EVERETT
Polly, dear. What happened?
(He takes her hand.)

POLLY
(She takes a breath; then)
I want to go to New York and find Bobby.

EVERETT
You miss him that much?

POLLY
I do.

EVERETT
Polly -

POLLY
Dad, it's taken me six weeks to get my courage up. It's now or never. Can ya
understand that?

EVERETT
I think so.

POLLY
(Kissing him)
Thanks.

(CUSTUS is passing, and POLLY calls to him.)

POLLY
Hey, Custus! I need a ride to the station!

CUSTUS
Sure. But : ain't you supposed to be onstage :?

POLLY
I don't have time to argue about it! The train's at eight-o-five! We'll just make it!

CUSTUS
Okay.

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POLLY
(As she runs out)
Dad, I'll call ya when I get there!

(They're gone. A beat, then ZANGLER and TESS enter from the theater.)

ZANGLER
Vell?

EVERETT
Oh, dear.

TESS
Where is she?!

EVERETT
She left for New York. She took the pick-up.

ZANGLER
But ve got full house!!!

(PATSY, MARGIE and BETSY run on from the theater.)

PATSY
Mr. Zangler? I think they're getting' restless! They're throwin' fruit at the curtain!

ZANGLER
Betsy! Go inside! Do Polly's number!

BETSY
Yes, sir!

(BETSY hurries into the theater. LANK, who has overhead all this, grabs ZANGLER
by the lapels.)

LANK
Listen, Zangler! Without your show, my cafe goes down the sewer!

ZANGLER
I am not magician!

(During the following, BOBBY rushes into town. With all eyes on Zangler, nobody
sees him for a moment.)

ZANGLER
(Losing it completely)

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I put on show in three veeks! I spend all my own money! I lose my theater in New
York - !

EVERETT
Hi, Bobby.

EVERYONE
Hi, Bobby.

(A beat, then)

EVERYONE
:BOBBY!!!

BOBBY
Where's Polly?! I've got to talk to her!

TESS
Bobby! How did you get here?!

BOBBY
I came in the car.

(The limousine starts to enter.)

ZANGLER
Vell, get back in it and go to station!

(We now see that the car is being pushed down the street by MOTHER, who is
wearing motoring goggles, and the CHAUFFEUR. The car has overheated, and steam
is coming out of the hood.)

MOTHER
I am never buying another foreign car as long as I live!

(EVERYONE sees the state of the car and groans. Meanwhile, BOBBY sees the
banner and the rest of the town.)

BOBBY
Holy cow! What happened around here?

ZANGLER
The Zangler Follies!

BOBBY
(Stunned; excited)

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: You mean you paid off the mortgage?

EVERETT
(Nodding.)
We've had full houses for two weeks. The problem is Pol -

BOBBY
Oh, my God. :. It worked! I accomplished something!!!

MOTHER
Bobby, show me this woman so I can go home!

BOBBY
I'll be right back!

(He heads for the theater.)

TESS
Bobby, she isn't here!!

(He stops.)

TESS
She went to New York to find you!

ZANGLER
(Bitterly)
If stupid machine vas vorking, you could have caught her.

BOBBY
(A beat, then pulling off his coat and striding for the car.)
All right, stand aside! I'll fix it!

(He lifts the hood and starts tinkering with the engine. At which point, IRENE enters
and sees MOTHER.)

IRENE
Lottie!

MOTHER
Irene! What are you doing here?!

IRENE
I live here. With my husband.

MOTHER

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This is so typical! You had every chance in the world to get Bobby -!

IRENE
But you were against it!

MOTHER
Well, it would have been better than some cow-girl!!!

MOTHER IRENE
You had every opportunity No wonder poor Bobby wanted to
to bag him, and all you leave New York! I'm surprised
did was whine about the he didn't move to Alaska -!
cut of your dress - !

(EVERETT has been staring at MOTHER in adoration. As she and IRENE freeze,
EVERETT sings:)

22. Things Are Looking Up (Reprise)

EVERETT
Things are looking up!
It's a great little world we live in!
Oh I'm happy as a pup
Since love looked up at me!!

Can I help you, madam?

MOTHER
Well, someone better -!

(She sees EVERETT and stops abruptly; she looks him over and lies what she sees.
As music cadences and stops)

:Oh. How very kind of you:

BOBBY
Wish me luck!

ZANGLER
VAIT A SECOND!!
(Silence; to EVERETT)
Vill he make it?!

EUGENE
What time is it?!

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(EVERETT pulls out his watch.)

EVERETT
Eight-o-five. Impossible.

(A beat then:)

BOBBY
All right, never mind! I'll catch the next train!
(To the CHAUFFEUR:)
Get the car on the road! I'll go wash up.

CHAUFFEUR
Yes, sir!

(BOBBY exits into the saloon, and the CHAUFFEUR drives the car off.)

PATSY
Are those two ever gonna get together?

(At this moment, CUSTUS enters from the side of the General Store, followed by
POLLY. EVERYONE just stares at them, open-mouthed.)

POLLY
I cannot believe this!!

CUSTUS
Would ya stop yellin'!

POLLY
How the hell could ya run outta gas?!!

CUSTUS
Well, I'm sorry! I didn't plan it that way!

POLLY
Well, now what do I do?! What do I do now?!!

(POLLY exits into the General Store, slamming the door behind her. A beat, then:)

EVERYONE
:POLLY!!!

(EVERYONE rushes to the General Store to get POLLY, all talking at once.)

TESS

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WAIT A SECOND! : I have an idea! Come to me, come to me!

(EVERYONE goes into a huddle so TESS can tell them her idea: buzz, buzz, buzz.
Then they split up and start to head off.)

PATSY
:. I don't get it!

(They all sigh.)

TESS
Back in the circle! Get back in the circle!

(EVERYONE goes back into the huddle, except CUSTUS, who runs into the theater.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Then BOBBY's head appears over the doors to the saloon.)

BOBBY
Mother! I'll be right there!

(The huddle freezes:)

TESS
Go!

(EVERYONE scatters in different directions, all leaving the stage. The second they're
gone, we see CUSTUS hurry from behind the theater with a follies dress. He hands it
off to EVERETT.)

EVERETT
That's the one!

(EVERETT hurries with the dress into the General Store. Then BOBBY enters from
the saloon. He sees that the street is empty and stops abruptly.)

BOBBY
: Hello? :Where is everybody?!

(At which point, TESS appears on the balcony of the theater. She sings the first line,
below. Then, in twos and threes and fours, more members of the COMPANY appear
and take additional lines.)

23. Finale

TESS
Drop that long face. Come on, have your fling.

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[title of show] [authors names]

MINGO, WYATT AND BILLY


Why keep nursing the blues?

ADD PATSY, ZANGLER AND TESS


If you want this old world on a string.

ADD LANK, EVERETT, THE FODORS, IRENE AND MOTHER


Put on your dancing shoes --
Stop wasting time!
Put on your dancing shoes --

THE COMPANY
Watch your spirits climb!

(By this time, EVERETT has brought POLLY out from behind the General Store, and
is pushing her toward BOBBY, who is facing the other way. POLLY is wearing her
follies dress. She taps BOBBY on the shoulder. He turns, see her.)

POLLY
You wanna dance, Bobby?

BOBBY
Who could ask for anything more?

(They embrace and kiss - then start to dance. At this point, the entire stage turns into a
lavish Follies number, with POLLY and BOBBY dancing in the center, rising up into
a night sky filled with stars. Stairways appear and elaborately dressed Follies Girls
climb into position for a final tableau.)

THE BOYS GIRLS


I'm up among the stars; Oooo - Wah!
On earthly things I frown. Oooo - Wah!
I'm throwing off the bars I'm throwing off the bars
That held me down. That held me down.

THE COMPANY
Who could ask for anything more?!

(Applause and the music segues:)

CURTAIN

23. CURTAIN CALLS

The Boys (except MINGO, MOOSE & SAM)


Let me give you the low down:

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I'm k-ra-zy for you.


When it comes to show down --
I'm k-ra-zy for you.
And so, though love may not inspire my lingo.
Still it's making my heart go
Bango! Bingo!

(Bows, all PRINCIPALS enter ,BOBBY & POLLY last.)

THE COMPANY
Embrace me,
My sweet embraceable you,
Embrace me
You irreplaceable you
Don't be a naughty baby;

POLLY
Come to Polly --

BOBBY
Come to Bobby --

POLLY AND BOBBY


Do!

THE COMPANY
My sweet embraceable you.

(Dance break. - the FOLLIES GIRLS enter.)

THE COMPANY
Old man trouble
I don't mind him --
You won't find him

(Tap break.)

I got starlight
I got sweet dreams,
I got my man/gal --
Who could ask for anything more?
Who could ask for anything more?!
Who could ask for anything more?!!
End of Act Two

24. EXIT MUSIC

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