Running head: CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS 1

Utilizing Tools from Crucial Conversations

Claire Sandrock

COMM 1050

Instructor: Erin Kaspar-Frett

April 8, 2017
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Utilizing Tools from Crucial Conversations

Crucial Conversations outlines ways that people can approach and conduct successful

conversations. Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler (2012) define crucial conversations as

situations where emotions run deep, the stakes are high and people have different opinions. The

book offers a set of skills to approach these conversations with a productive atmosphere.

When entering a conversation, Patterson et al. (2012) recommend to start with heart, in

which you identify exactly what result you want from the conversation. For example, when my

husband and I began to talk about how to discipline our son, we both tried to identify behaviors

that we do want from our son. We both want to have more fun as a family and focusing on his

bad behavior has been a negative focus, rather than focusing on his positive outcomes. While we

do have different parenting styles, we could agree on the outcomes that we want to see for our

child and our family.

When engaged in a conversation, it is important to be observant of others in the

conversation and identify when they are feeling unsafe about sharing. Are any participants

exhibiting silence or verbal violence (sarcasm, yelling)? If so, it may be important to reestablish

safety in the conversation by identifying your shared goal and some of the reasons that people

are not feeling safe in the conversation. You may need to make it safe for conversation to

continue. This could include apologizing when appropriate and creating a mutual purpose. In one

conversation with a co-worker, I could see that she was getting very quiet when I brought up a

crucial topic. I reached out to her by telling her that I respected her role and her opinion in the

conversation. With this encouragement, she was able to step out of silence and move ahead with

the conversation. I was glad to be cued into this pattern in conversations and be on the lookout

for these behaviors in the future.

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When entering a difficult conversation, we may start with assumptions as to why people

are responding in a particular way. However, it is important that we do not jump to conclusions

about anothers behavior, simply based on our own experience or biases. For example, when

making plans with a friend for summer travel, I assumed that she did not want to schedule a

weekend trip with my family due to her disinterest in our relationship. In truth, she was already

scheduled to meet with her elderly grandparents. While the conversation did not turn crucial, I

noticed that my own insecurity regarding our relationship led me to a false conclusion. I can

imagine that when the conversation is crucial and emotions are running high, it is easier to

default to our own stories, rather than letting others tell their stories.

One way to recount an internal narrative to another person is to follow the acronym of

STATE, in which you share the facts, tell your story, ask for others paths, talk tentatively and

encourage conversation. I used this skill recently when I talked with my mother about my sisters

difficult divorce situation. While my mother is supportive of my sister, her actions can be

interpreted as critical to my sister. I approached this conversation by restating works that my

mother had just commented about my sister (stating the facts). Then, I told her my version of the

situation and I asked for her interpretation of the situation. Then, I gently commented on ways

that her behavior could be interpreted by my sister, who is feeling very vulnerable. Then, I

inquired if there were other ways that she could show her support. While conversations can

quickly turn crucial with my mother, I think she appreciated sharing her thoughts and getting

some feedback on my sisters behavior.

If others are willing to share their opinions and stories, one way to strengthen the

conversation is to ask for their input, mirror their words, paraphrase their comments and prime

the conversation for next steps. In this way, others will feel heard and respected. This is the most
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difficult skill for me. I do not like when people paraphrase my comments, since I assume that I

state things clearly enough that they do not need to paraphrase me! However, I have been in

situations at work where we left a conversation and the outcome was not clear. If I had

paraphrased anothers comments or commitments, we would all have come to be on the same

page.

The final step to completing a conversation is making a plan for moving to action. Now

that the conversation has taken place, it is important to identify who will do what, when and

where to bring things to completion. This step is the strongest in my current skill set. When

chairing a meeting, I frequently ask for commitments from participants to complete tasks. With

this documented in the meeting minutes, participants are accountable for completing their tasks.

Crucial Conversations was a valuable text to read before entering the midwifery field.

As a new employee at a health care facility, I have seen conversations turn crucial quickly, as

emotions are high, personalities are strong and the outcomes are important for patients and

families. I know that these skills will continue to grow as I start work in midwifery, where I will

be interacting with many different practitioners in various situations.

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References

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMIllan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for

talking when the stakes are high. Chicago, IL: McGraw Hill.