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THE ART OF
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3 Coach Yourself with
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8 Sarah Corrie
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6 First published in 2009 by
7 Karnac Books Ltd
8 118 Finchley Road, London NW3 5HT
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Copyright 2009 Sarah Corrie
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3 The right of Sarah Corrie to be identified as the author of this work has been
4 asserted in accordance with 77 and 78 of the Copyright Design and Patents
5 Act 1988.
6
7 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a
8 retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic,
9 mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written
2011 permission of the publisher.
1
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
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3 A C.I.P. for this book is available from the British Library
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5 ISBN 978 1 85575 671 7
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8 Edited, designed and produced by The Studio Publishing Services Ltd,
9 www.studiopublishingservicesuk.co.uk
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9 LIST OF EXERCISES ix
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR xiii
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2 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS AND PERMISSIONS xv
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FOREWORD xvii
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5 INTRODUCTION: A letter to the reader xix
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7 PART I 1
8 CHAPTER ONE
9 Getting Down to Business with the Inspiration Inventory 3
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1 CHAPTER TWO
2 Developing Your Coaching MAP 9
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4 PART II: THE 12 PRINCIPLES OF THE ART OF 13
5 INSPIRED LIVING: INTRODUCING
6 PRINCIPLES 14: YOUR MISSION
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8 Discovering Your Mission: Knowing what 15
9 Youre Here to Do
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CONTENTS
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1011 For David.
1 Thank you.
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8 Exercise 1. The Inspiration Inventory 4
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2011 Exercise 2. Warning signs that the false self is 23
1 running your life
2 Exercise 3. My story 26
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Exercise 4. Meeting the director of My Story 27
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5 Exercise 5. Reclaiming authorship of your life 29
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Exercise 6. The tribute 38
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8 Exercise 7. Identifying your strengths 44
9 Exercise 8. Making your signature strengths work for you 51
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1 Exercise 9. Making apparent failures work for you 64
2 Exercise 10. Interviewing the inner pessimist 85
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4 Exercise 11. Interviewing the inner optimist 86
5 Exercise 12. Are you an active or passive learner? 94
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711 Exercise 13. Is your learning style intrinsically or 96
8 extrinsically motivated?
9 Exercise 14. Experiment in mood manipulation 107
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LIST OF EXERCISES
LIST OF EXERCISES
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6 Dr Sarah Corrie is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist who is
7 committed to helping her clients achieve transformational results
8 in their lives. She has extensive experience in both public and
9 private sector services and runs her own practice as well as work-
2011 ing as a freelance writer, trainer and lecturer. Sarah is an Accredited
1 Therapist, Supervisor and Trainer with the British Association for
2 Behavioural & Cognitive Psychotherapies, and a Founder Member
3 of the British Psychological Society's Special Group in Coaching
4 Psychology. She is also Deputy Course Director of the Post-
5 graduate Diploma in Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapy run by
6 Royal Holloway, University of London and Central and North
7 West London Mental Health NHS Foundation Trust. Sarah has a
8 background in the performing arts and is a member of Equity and
9 the Imperial Society of Teachers of Dancing.
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
3 AND PERMISSIONS
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5 Many people have contributed to this project and I owe them all
6 a debt of gratitude.
7 I would particularly like to thank my editor, Professor David
8 Lane, for seeing the potential in the book and for his unfailing
9 support and encouragement at every stage of the process. Without
2011 him, there is no doubt that this book would never have been writ-
1 ten.
2 I am also grateful to Robin Linnecar and Claire Palmer for their
3 positive and helpful reviews of the manuscript, and to Oliver
4 Rathbone and all at Karnac who have helped bring the project to
5 completion.
6 Special thanks go to Peter Hoy for devoting many hours of his
7 free time to proof-reading the manuscript and for detecting the
8 numerous errors that come from knowing the text too well. His
9 support and commitment to the project have helped make me a
30 better writer.
1 My heartfelt thanks to all at Oakhill Health Centre who make
2 coming to work such an easy and pleasurable experience. Your
311 interest in what I do and your support of my work over many years
4 is more appreciated than you realize.
5 As always, my gratitude goes to Ian Lacey, who has helped to
6 bring the book into being in many different ways and who, in the
711 past two years, has taken such great strides in following a path of
8 his own choosing. He embodies the art of inspired living on many
9 levels. Your story is in here too.
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111 Finally, I wish to thank all of those people who have so gener-
2 ously allowed me to include their stories in this book. Your expe-
3 riences inspire me to do better every day. Without you, this book
4 would make no sense.
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7 Permissions
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9 I would like to thank the publishers, organizations and individu-
1011 als who granted permission to reference, adapt or reprint the cited
1 material:
2
3 Harold Ober Associates for permission to quote an extract from
4 The Patriot by Pearl S. Buck.
5
6 Steve Pavlina, for permission to reproduce a section of his article,
7 The meaning of life: from purpose to action (22 June 2005) at
8 www.StevePavlina.com.
9
2011 PDF Net and the Professional Development Foundation for
1 permission to adapt their work on areas of learning.
2
3 Martin Seligman, for permission to reproduce his work with
4 Christopher Peterson on signature strengths.
5
6 The case studies in this book are genuine and based on actual
7 people whom I know personally, or with whom I have worked with
8 professionally. In order to protect confidentiality, some names have
9 been changed and certain stories represent an amalgam of several
30 people.
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7 Foreword: Building your Future
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9 through The Art of Inspired Living
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6 For our first book in the Practice section of this series we wanted
7 to create an offer of value to the coach or to anyone using coach-
8 ing. The aim was to provide ideas and materials that a coach could
9 use to enhance their work with clients. We also wanted to offer a
2011 guide to practice written in a way that an individual reader could
1 use the tools to guide their own development, working with a
2 coach or with the help of a constructively critical friend.
3 We did not want to produce yet another self-help guide which
4 promised untold health, wealth, and happiness by following some
5 prescribed rules to become more authentic and discover your true
6 self. While such books have been found helpful to many, few of
7 them have been based on a solid understanding of psychology and
8 many provide prescriptions that promise far more than they can
9 deliver.
30 Our aim was to commission a work which took as its starting
1 point modern developments in psychological understanding and
2 written by an author with the credentials to speak to you with
311 confidence and clarity about building your future.
4 We believe we have succeeded with Sarah Corrie. Her own life
5 experience, as outlined in her letter to her readers, talks of her own
6 period of crisis and change. She uses this to inform the book.
711 However, unlike some texts which try to offer advice based largely
8 on personal experience, Sarah draws upon her extensive practice
9 and writing as a psychologist. As a psychologist she is committed
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Dear Reader
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6 There is an old Native American proverb that says, You have to
7 live your life from beginning to end; no one else can do it for you.
8 These words sum up a fundamental truth about our existence.
9 From the moment we are born, to the moment we die, our life is
2011 the one thing that we can truly call our own. Certainly, there are
1 many elements that we do not directly control, but at this point in
2 our history, many more of us have greater choice over how our lives
3 unfold than ever before.
4 But choice also brings with it challenge and responsibility. How
5 exactly do you live your life from beginning to end? How do you
6 work out where you want to be headed and how do you know
7 when you have got there? What gives you a sense of purpose? What
8 is your contribution to the world? Knowing the answers to these
9 questions does, I believe, lie at the heart of a better and more
30 mature response to the challenges we face, both as individuals and
1 as a society.
2 This book is about learning to live your life more fully. It doesnt
311 promise you abundant joy, the relationship of your dreams, untold
4 riches, or miracle cures. But what it does promise you is a compre-
5 hensive programme of personal development, change, and growth
6 that is highly effective.
711 This coaching programme has been developed with two audi-
8 ences in mind. The first comprises those who wish to coach them-
9 selves to success and who are confident about achieving positive
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111 results once they know the basic framework. The second audience
2 is those who work as coaches and who are looking for new ideas
3 and frameworks that they can build into their existing practice.
4 Whatever has drawn you to this book whether it is because you
5 feel you have reached a crossroads in your life, because you have a
6 very specific goal in mind, or because you are a coach looking for
7 some fresh ideas there is something here for you.
8 As youll discover, I have a great deal of faith in what psychol-
9 ogy has to offer. True, life is hard. There are many questions to
1011 which psychology does not have the answer and not everyone is
1 helped by the same things. But both my experience and the
2 research evidence tell me that there is so much we can do to
3 enhance our lives, if we only know how. The Art of Inspired Living
4 is available to us all.
5
6
7 My story
8 About 20 years ago, I reached a turning point in my life. I had
9 trained to be a classical dancer, completing an arduous, eight-year
2011 professional training that equipped me for working with a top
1 ballet company. But, after only a few months of working profes-
2 sionally, I knew something was seriously wrong. At the end of
3 every performance, I would be in intense pain. My joints were
4 getting progressively stiffer and sometimes when I woke up in the
5 morning, I couldnt walk at all.
6 The X-rays confirmed my suspicions: I needed surgery. On the
7 surface, everything went smoothly. But, well after the anticipated
8 recovery period, the pain had not gone away. If anything, it had
9 got worse. After a year of rehabilitation, I was forced to face the
30 facts; my career was over.
1 At the time, it felt as though my life had ended. Because my
2 whole world had been organized around being a dancer, it felt as
311 though I had lost my identity. If I could no longer do the one thing
4 I believed I had been put on this earth to do, who was I? I didnt
5 even know how I would earn a living, as I had few academic qual-
6 ifications and no experience of the job market outside of the
711 theatre. I felt profoundly lost. But even though I couldnt see it at
8 the time, I was at a crossroads and about to take a turning that
911 would change everything.
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111 in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will
2 never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The
3 world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how
4 good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expres-
5 sions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to
6 keep the channel open. [de Mille, 1952])
7 There is something in this sentiment that speaks directly to my
8 intention in writing this book. Your story, your choices, and your
9 contribution are unique to you. It is not your business to judge
1011 their value relative to those of others. It is your job to know your
1 unique profile of strengths, needs, and contribution so that you
2 can appreciate them as the assets that they are and use them to
3 create a life that inspires you.
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How psychology can help
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8 Coaching is one of the most valuable investments a person can
9 make in themselves and their future. It can have a profound and
2011 enduring effect and help you achieve results way beyond your
1 expectation. Of course, coaching cannot tell you how to live your
2 life. But it can equip you with ideas, methods, and techniques that
3 will help you build a more rewarding and successful future.
4 Contemporary studies in psychology can provide a secure foun-
5 dation for building effective methods for self-coaching, and these
6 provide the foundations for the chapters which follow. Ten years
7 ago, I would not have been able to say this with such confidence.
8 Traditionally, psychology focused almost entirely on problems and
9 how to solve them. Despite monumental leaps in these areas, solv-
30 ing problems is not the same thing as knowing how to fulfil your
1 potential. No matter how many problems you fix, if something
2 deeper needs attending to, your life will not inspire you.
311 However, the last few years have witnessed an exciting develop-
4 ment that promises new insights into how we can discover and
5 develop the best in ourselves: the birth of a discipline called posi-
6 tive psychology. Positive psychology is concerned with identifying
711 the strengths, qualities, and skills that contribute to a meaningful
8 and abundant life. It does not sign up to the nave notion that we
9 can all be, have, and do anything we want. But by drawing on
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111 for practical ideas to help fulfil your potential, or in some cases
2 overcome common problems. Those that have no asterisk are
3 aimed primarily at coaches, psychologists, therapists, and others
4 who offer professional services to clients for the purposes of
5 enhancing well-being and personal development. They will also
6 appeal to readers who would like to learn more about the ideas
7 behind The Art of Inspired Living and who would like a more aca-
8 demic foundation upon which to build their own coaching frame-
9 work.
1011 And finally . . .
1 Our lives are short and we need to honour them. You are the
2 author, every day creating afresh the vision that manifests as your
3 life. Although you have a story to tell, more importantly you have
4 a story to write your future. This book is dedicated to the story
5 that is yet to be written and is a calling to fill your world with what
6 has meaning for you. Most of all, it is an invitation to live with-
7 out apology or excuse, taking full responsibility for what has been
8 given to you and what is yours to change. Welcome to the adven-
9 ture that is your life.
2011
1 With best wishes from Sarah Corrie.
2
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4 Bibliography
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6 *de Mille, A. (1952) Dance to the Piper. Boston, MA. Little, Brown.
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111 according to how satisfied and fulfilled you feel (0 = a total lack of
2 satisfaction and fulfilment; 10 = totally fulfilled and satisfied).
3
4 Exercise 1. The Inspiration Inventory
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6 1 Overall happiness and emotional well-being:
7 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
8 Prompt questions: Do you enjoy your life? Are you glad just to be
alive? Does your life inspire you or are you often anxious, disillusioned,
9
or unhappy?
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1 2 Relationship to self:
2 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
3 Prompt questions: Do you respect the person that you are? Are you at
4 peace with yourself, confident in your abilities or do you worry about
5 coming up to scratch?
6 3 Intimate relationships:
7 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
8 Prompt questions: Do you feel loved, appreciated and supported by
9 those that matter to you? Can you express emotional and physical inti-
2011 macy easily? Can you give and receive love freely?
1 4 Friendships and social life:
2 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
3 Prompt questions: Do you have good friendships based on mutual
4 respect and trust? Can you be yourself in your friendships or do you feel
5 pressured to be someone you are not?
6 5 Health:
7 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
8 Prompt questions: Do you have abundant energy? Do you respect
9 and nurture your body? Do you nourish yourself with healthy foods,
30 sufficient sleep, and time to relax and unwind?
1 6 Lifestyle and worklife balance:
2 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
311 Prompt questions: Does your lifestyle reflect and honour your priorities? Do
4 you have a good worklife balance or often feel exhausted or burnt out?
5 7 Career and work:
6 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
711 Prompt questions: Do you enjoy your work? Does it inspire you and
8 enrich your life? Does it allow you to express your talents and abilities?
911 Does your work sustain or undermine you?
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111 you would like. The chances are that you feel these areas of your
2 life will need attention at some point in the future. See if you can
3 identify what is getting in the way here. What attitudes or beliefs
4 are holding you back? Which of your skills and talents are not
5 being used to their full potential? How are you currently organiz-
6 ing your life that prevents you from giving yourself a rating from
7 8-10? Write your thoughts in your learning log, under the heading
8 The reason why these areas of my life are not working as well as
9 I would like are . . ..
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1 What definitely needs to change
2 Consider those areas where you are dissatisfied, unfulfilled, or seri-
3 ously uninspired (any area where you gave yourself a score between
4 0 and 3). Just like your strengths, the core areas you have identi-
5 fied contain some important clues about you, your values, and how
6 you have chosen to organize your life. So, see if you can work out
7 why you have struggled in these areas. It may be that you are
8 currently missing some important skills or knowledge, or that old
9 habits of thinking, feeling, and behaving are undermining your
2011 attempts to succeed. Make a note of anything that seems relevant
1 in your workbook, taking as your heading The reason I am strug-
2 gling in these areas is because . . ..
3
4 Selecting your core domains for self-coaching
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6 Once you have a clearer picture of the core areas that are working
7 well and those that are not, you are in a stronger position to coach
8 yourself to success. Based on the results of your Inspiration Inven-
9 tory, what do you think are the most important domains to work
30 on right now? Make a list of these in your learning log.
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2 Helpful hint. You can select as many areas as you like, but,
311 depending on how many core themes you think need attention,
4 you may find it beneficial to select just one or two to begin
5 with.
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111 Six months from now, what would you most like to be differ-
2 ent?
3 What would you like more of in your life?
4 What, if anything, would you like less of?
5 How will you know when youve achieved the results you are
6 looking for?
7 How will you feel?
8 How will you think about yourself, others and life in
9 general?
1011 How will you organize your life differently?
1
2 Now pull it all together. If you review all your answers, what is the
3 area (or areas) you are going to focus on right now? Write these in
4 your learning log, beginning with The core area/s in which I most
5 want to coach myself is/are . . ..
6 If you have worked through the previous exercises, you will now
7 have a clear idea of the key area or areas that are going to be the
8 focus of your self-coaching. In the next chapter, I will show you
9 how you can coach yourself to success, using a model called
2011 MAP.
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111 between those things you really want, and those things that are just
2 the stuff of envy or fanciful day-dreams. Being clear about your
3 Mission also helps you stay committed to your goals when the
4 going gets tough. So, if you have a tendency to start things but not
5 follow them through, lose heart easily, or find that your successes
6 have a hollow ring to them, take note! Your mission probably needs
7 some clarification.
8 In Principles 14 well explore some powerful methods for
9 discovering your mission so that you can use it as a source of inspi-
1011 ration and make it the basis for your life goals.
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3 Your Attitude: perspectives that will guide you to success
4
5 Your Attitude refers to the attitudes, beliefs, and perspectives you
6 hold about yourself, other people and the world around you. It also
7 includes your ideas about success, such as whether or not you
8 believe you are capable of achieving your goals.
9 The Attitude you bring with you to your coaching journey has
2011 been shaped over many years by the knowledge and life experience
1 you have accumulated as well as the beliefs of your family, commu-
2 nity, work environment, and society. Many of these beliefs will
3 have served you well, but others may be holding you back. If you
4 want a destination that is truly of your own choosing, you need to
5 disentangle yourself from the web of values in which you are
6 immersed, to identify those that still matter to you, and those you
7 have outgrown. You also need to learn how to cultivate an Attitude
8 that will support you in achieving your mission.
9 In Principles 58 you will discover which type of Attitude you
30 need to coach yourself in for the art of inspired living one that
1 will enhance your quality of life and that will fast-track you on the
2 route to success and fulfilment.
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5 The Process for success: shaping up your tool kit
6
711 Once you are clear about your Mission and Attitude, you can
8 design an action plan that will help you get the results you want.
911 Your Process involves drawing upon all the resources you have
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1 THE ART OF INSPIRED LIVING
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111 You may already have a strong sense of your Mission but if not,
2 dont worry. Discovering your sense of purpose is one of lifes more
3 momentous tasks and so it is worth taking your time over it.
4 Principles 14 are designed to help you explore your Mission in
5 depth so you can discover what it is, how it is influencing your life
6 already, and how you can build it into your life in a more direct
7 way. For now, all you need to know is that your Mission is made
8 up of four key elements:
9
1011 Principle No. 1 Your authentic self: the person that you are, were
1 born to be, and that harbours the unique essence of you.
2 Principle No. 2 Your meaning: what you want your life to stand
3 for and what adds meaning.
4 Principle No. 3 Your signature strengths: character qualities that
5 are central to who you are and that are the foundation of your
6 values.
7 Principle No. 4 Your courage: having the courage to embrace
8 change and live your Mission through your choices and
9 actions.
2011
1 Because uncovering your Mission is essentially an exploratory
2 and creative process, you will find that many of the exercises in
3 Principles 14 involve story-telling tasks, rather than learning
4 specific techniques (which we look at more in the Attitude and
5 Process sections of MAP). This is because story-telling is one of
6 the most powerful ways of uncovering aspects of ourselves that
7 have been obscured by the pressures of daily living (including the
8 pressure to be grown up, realistic, and sensible).
9 Story-telling gives you permission to get around the objections
30 that may be raised by your rational mind (I could never do this)
1 so that you can start to entertain possibilities for yourself and your
2 life that might otherwise feel overly ambitious or just plain ridicu-
311 lous. In stories, we enter a world that can be of our own making
4 an essential starting point for the art of inspired living.
5 A clear Mission speaks to your authenticity, your integrity, and
6 your creativity. It reflects the very best of you now, and the best of
711 you that is yet to come. Enjoy discovering your uniqueness, your
8 gift to the world, and what it is that makes you the person you are.
9
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111 and difficulties that had left her feeling like a failure. But under-
2 lying this was a deeper sense that something was wrong.
3 A vivacious and intelligent university student, Nina was failing
4 at her studies: she couldnt quite bring herself to attend lectures
5 and seminars, was missing deadlines for course work, and had
6 already failed a years worth of exams. Having at first put this down
7 to her own inadequacies, depression had given her another expla-
8 nation. But this clearly was not the whole story.
9 Nina had a passion for theatre and loved acting. As she
1011 explained to me, as soon as she set foot on the stage, she felt at
1 home. What was interesting was that, however crippling her symp-
2 toms of depression, she had no difficulty running the busy univer-
3 sity theatre company, organizing productions, and learning the
4 lines for her own roles. We began to get curious about what this
5 discrepancy between her university self and theatre self might
6 mean.
7 After some weeks of our working together, Nina allowed herself
8 to voice what she had never admitted before even to herself: that
9 above all else, she wanted to be an actor. At university she had
2011 never quite managed to apply herself to her studies because, deep
1 down, they reflected her desire to do what she thought was right,
2 rather than pursuing what truly felt right. Being on the stage felt
3 truly right for Nina and as long as she refused to acknowledge her
4 passion, to herself as well as others, something inside was being
5 crippled. By admitting to herself what it was that she most wanted
6 from life, Nina had begun the process of claiming and honouring
7 her authentic self.
8
9
30 The quest for authenticity
1
2 Discovering and honouring the authentic self is a quest that has
311 preoccupied some of the greatest minds in history. From Socrates
4 to Freud, to some of the leading psychologists and coaches of
5 today, knowledge of the self has been considered the gateway to
6 achieving a happy and fulfilling life.
711 Authenticity is the first of your 12 steps to inspired living for a
8 good reason. Research has shown that honouring our authenticity
911 is associated with a greater abundance of happiness and positive
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111 comes from the rules we learn early on in life. We are each born
2 with a fundamental drive to fulfil our potential, but also need to
3 gain the approval of others so that they will love and protect us.
4 Although securing the good opinion of others enables us to survive
5 (after all, we are totally dependent on our caregivers when we are
6 young), it can also backfire.
7 For example, if your parents consistently gave you approval for
8 excelling at school, but were critical when your grades were
9 mediocre, you learnt an important lesson: that in order to be valu-
1011 able in the eyes of those who matter, you needed to achieve certain
1 standards. Or if your parents approved of you for fulfilling their
2 ambitions, but got angry when you expressed a desire to do things
3 your way, you learnt that you needed to be someone other than
4 your true self in order to be loved. These standards become what
5 Rogers termed our conditions of worth and if we fail to meet
6 them, our self-esteem suffers.
7 As our lives unfold, we are shaped further by our encounters
8 with our peers, our communities, and the world of work, all of
9 which bombard us with subtle (and not so subtle) messages about
2011 what is and is not acceptable. We learn that working long hours is
1 good and wasting time is bad; that material wealth is a sign of
2 success or worth; that beauty comes in a certain package, and so
3 on. Over time, we internalize these conditions of worth to the
4 extent that they become the lenses through which we judge
5 ourselves and relate to others.
6 Of course, finding a way to belong in the world is adaptive and
7 life affirming, and many of the rules we learn from our parents and
8 peer groups are very valuable. The problem only comes when the
9 gap between who I am and whom I think I should be becomes
30 too wide to be sustained. Swallowing societys demands without
1 first digesting their implications, or prioritizing fitting in over an
2 informed understanding of responsibilities to self, family, and
311 community, creates a void between our private and public selves
4 that can become crippling.
5 There are a number of warning signs that the gap between
6 who you are and who you think you should be is becoming too
711 wide. See if you display the signs by photocopying Exercise 2
8 below, placing it in your learning log, and ticking the relevant
911 column.
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111 Exercise 2. Warning signs that the false self is running your life
2
3 Sign of false True of me most True of me some Rarely true
4 self of the time of the time of me
5
1. Unable to express
6 your opinions, ideas,
7 and wishes openly
8 and honestly. ! ! !
9 2. Compromising your
1011 own values and
1 desires to avoid
2 upsetting others. ! ! !
3 3. Difficulty owning
4 your successes,
5 dismissing them
6 or attributing them
7 to luck. ! ! !
8 4. Feeling as though
9 you are living your
2011 life according to
1 someone elses formula. ! ! !
2 5. Feeling like an
3 impostor in your
4 own life. ! ! !
5 6. Worrying excessively
6 about whether or
7 not others like you. ! ! !
8 7. Worrying excessively
9 about others
30 expectations of you. ! ! !
1 8. Not being able to
2 make choices about
311 what you want from
4 your life. ! ! !
5
6 If you ticked True of me most of the time for any of the above,
711 your authenticity needs some attention. You probably know the
8 signs already. You may feel pressured to be someone you are not,
9 find yourself distorting the image you present to others in order to
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111 one that has simply become a habit. In fact, its origins do not
2 matter. What matters is that now you know what the story is, you
3 are in a stronger position to examine it objectively and make
4 changes where changes are required.
5 If authenticity can be seen as a process of reclaiming authorship
6 of your life, then sacrificing your authenticity can be understood
7 as becoming the victim of stories that do not empower you. Your
8 fate is one of acting out a drama that no longer serves you. This
9 may be because your story lacks flexibility perhaps you have
1011 developed a rigid attachment to an old story that prevents you
1 from seeing yourself as a project in the making. Or it may be
2 because you believe there is only one way to tell your story, and so
3 you find it hard to identify others that might empower you to live
4 differently.
5 What matters is not so much the content of your stories (we
6 cannot change the past) but the manner in which you tell them.
7 Do you swallow them whole? Or can you suspend judgement long
8 enough to be curious about them, to question them and to
9 consider them from new and more enriching perspectives? As life
2011 coach Rhonda Britten points out, we are often highly attached to
1 our stories, and share them with others as though they were true.
2 But a story is just a story.
3
4
5 Exercise 4. Meeting the director of My Story
6
7 Imagine you are meeting the director of your film My Story. Like
8 a film director in real life, this part of your self controls not the
9 content of the story, but which aspects of the plot are emphasized
30 and which get downplayed. In other words, the director determines
1 how the story is told in order to create a certain type of impact.
2 For the purposes of this exercise, the director represents a part
311 of you that is not truly honouring the authentic self the main
4 character in the film.
5 As before, find yourself a quiet place where you wont be inter-
6 rupted. You need to allow about 30 minutes for this exercise. Make
711 yourself comfortable and allow yourself to relax. You may find it
8 helpful to close your eyes and take a few slow breaths to quieten
9 the mind.
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111 When you are ready, imagine that the director of My Story
2 greets you and sits down. Note what the director is wearing,
3 his/her tone of voice and if he/she reminds you of anyone (devel-
4 oping a detailed image that engages all the senses often makes the
5 exercise richer). When you are both comfortable, ask your director
6 the following questions, giving them every opportunity to speak
7 openly.
8
9 1. Where does your vision of My Story come from? Who was
1011 most important in shaping its development and what experi-
1 ences or events helped this vision evolve?
2 2. From what are you trying to protect me, by portraying My
3 Story in this way? In what ways do you believe the main char-
4 acter falls short?
5 3. What plotlines, beliefs, and values have you uncritically
6 accepted from others? How does this empower and disem-
7 power the main character?
8 4. What is the price that the main character pays for living by
9 this version of My Story?
2011 5. If I remain true to your version of My Story for the rest of
1 my life, how will I feel about its influence on my life and the
2 choices it has encouraged me to make?
3
4 After you have given the director an opportunity to speak, identify
5 the most significant themes and write them down in your learning
6 log. What is the story that the director is trying to convey? How
7 has this version of My Story protected the main character (you)?
8 How has it empowered and disempowered you? In what ways does
9 it capture or fail to capture the essence of you? Ask yourself
30 honestly if you want to live the rest of your life through the plot
1 of this particular story and what you stand to gain and lose by your
2 choice.
311 Be sure to make a note of any key themes and insights.
4
5
6 3. Writing new stories that support authentic living.
711
8 Being authentic involves recasting yourself as the author and direc-
911 tor of your life by deconstructing fixed, outgrown, or unhelpful
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111 stories about who you are in favour of stories that are rich in mean-
2 ing, diversity and choice.
3 Another, complementary way of expanding our stories has been
4 offered by psychologist Susan Harter, who suggests nurturing
5 positive false self attributes. Positive false self attributes refer to
6 those qualities, choices, and actions that are not currently part of
7 how we define ourselves, but that might equip us with greater
8 story-telling potential. As she explains, pretending can be a form
9 of experimentation that broadens our sense of possibility. New
1011 behaviours rarely feel authentic to begin with, but with practice
1 can become so. Through acting in different ways, we can begin to
2 shape new stories that enable us to move between current selves
3 and desirable false selves without compromising our values.
4 If you review your answers to the previous exercises, which posi-
5 tive false self attributes would it be helpful for you to acquire at
6 this point in your life? What new stories do you need to tell your-
7 self about who you are and who you might become? How could
8 you start to enact some of these stories? Are there any small steps
9 you could take to start extending your range of stories (your
2011 answers to Exercise 2 might give you some important clues)?
1
2 Helpful hint. The prospect of having multiple authentic selves
3 presents us with a delightful range of possibilities, but dont see
4 this as a chance to slip into the realms of fantasy! As you work
5 through the next exercise check that any new story you
6 construct fits with the values you hold dear and reflects your
7 responsibilities to your family and community.
8
9 For the next exercise, identify just one of the stories that you
30 would now like to acquire.
1
2
Exercise 5. Reclaiming authorship of your life
311
4 Imagine that the movie My Story is being remade. The previous
5 version is now widely recognized as a misguided interpretation of
6 the main characters adventure. The new movie is going to reflect
711 a different angle and has a new director. In this version of the film,
8 an empowering story is told one that creates new possibilities for
9 how you live your life.
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111 In this interview, you are meeting the new director for the first
2 time. This director represents an authentic part of you that part
3 which is in tune with your needs, responsibilities, and heartfelt
4 hopes for the future and which is determined to honour this part
5 of you in how your story is told.
6 The director enters the room, greets you, and sits down. Notice
7 what he/she is wearing, his/her tone of voice and if he/she reminds
8 you of anyone. Then ask this director the following questions:
9
1011 1. What is your version of My Story?
1 2. Where does this vision come from? Who has been most
2 instrumental in nurturing its development and what experi-
3 ences or events helped this version evolve?
4 3. What kind of person will I become if I allow myself to live
5 this version of My Story?
6 4. How will this version of My Story enrich my life? How will
7 it make it more challenging?
8 5. What plotlines, beliefs and values do you encourage me to
9 embrace? How will performing these plots, beliefs and values
2011 impact on my life?
1 6. At the end of a life lived by the story you tell me, how will I
2 feel about your influence on me and the choices you have
3 encouraged me to make?
4
5 After you have given your director an opportunity to tell their
6 story, see if you can identify the most significant themes. What is
7 the story that this authentic self is trying to tell you? How will it
8 empower you? In what ways does it capture or fail to capture the
9 essence of you? Ask yourself honestly if you would like to live more
30 of your life through the plot of this particular story and what you
1 stand to gain and lose by your choice.
2 Write down the directors answers and any thoughts and
311 insights you have.
4
5
6 Take home message
711
8 In this chapter you have uncovered the cornerstone of your
911 Mission: identifying and honouring the authentic you. As thera-
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111 pist Michael White explains, we live through and perform our
2 stories. Just like fiction, each of your stories about who you are and
3 who you might become has its own plot that contributes some-
4 thing important to how you live your life, for good or ill. So if your
5 stories are not inspiring you, change them!
6 Of course, I am not suggesting that honouring our authenticity
7 is a simple matter of choice. Our stories become woven into the
8 fabric of our being, including our biology, in complex ways, so we
9 do not discard them lightly. None the less, by becoming aware of
1011 limiting stories and contemplating ourselves as the authors of our
1 lives, new possibilities can begin to emerge. Honouring your
2 authenticity is a lifelong project, a commitment to a vision of who
3 you are and who you might become and, as with all commit-
4 ments, it is one that needs to be renewed over and over again.
5 Authenticity is like a diamond. Each diamond is unique, posses-
6 sing its own molecular structure. But when you examine the
7 diamond under different conditions, it reflects the light as differ-
8 ent colours. If you examine the diamond from one perspective, it
9 radiates emerald green. Look at it from another angle and the
2011 colour becomes flame red. Another position still will reveal a
1 vibrant purple. All of the shades are equally authentic, but the
2 angle at which the diamond is held and the light conditions in
3 which it is examined determine which colour will reveal itself on
4 which occasion. Within the molecular structure that is embedded
5 in your genes and developed through your personal history and the
6 stories you tell about it, you have the capacity to cultivate and radi-
7 ate a spectrum of selves. Enjoy exploring and expanding the many
8 shades of you!
9
30 Honouring the Authentic You
1 One thing I will take away from this chapter is: . . . (write your
2 answer in your learning log).
311 One thing I will do differently as a result of this chapter is: . . .
4 (write your answer in your learning log).
5
6
Bibliography
711
8 Bruner, J. (1986). Actual Minds, Possible Worlds. Cambridge, MA:
9 Harvard University Press.
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111 When I first met Jill she had recently been diagnosed as
2 depressed following a series of traumatic life events that included
3 the serious illness of her partner. But despite struggling with her
4 mood, motivation, and concentration (symptoms common to
5 depression), her vibrancy shone through. Granted, she could not
6 see this when we first started working together, but it was an
7 energy that was ever-present. It seemed that however difficult
8 things were and however low her mood became, there was a life
9 force that refused to be extinguished.
1011 Early in our work together I ask people what makes their life
1 meaningful. For those who have a sense of this, my question
2 ignites a spark of recognition. It is as though these people have a
3 deep well inside them that, no matter how difficult things get, they
4 know is still there. My question becomes an invitation to plumb
5 the depths of that well and to hook out what might lie neglected
6 at the bottom. When I see a spark of recognition, I know that we
7 will do good work together, for they have a deeper sense of mean-
8 ing that can sustain them when all else seems lost.
9
2011
1 What makes life meaningful?
2
3 It is easy to assume that the quest for meaning is some esoteric
4 enquiry that has nothing to do with the realities of day-to-day
5 living. And yet, contemplating the meaning of life is something
6 most of us do from time to time. There is probably a good reason
7 for this.
8 Knowing what makes life meaningful provides a sense of direc-
9 tion that helps you navigate lifes ups and downs, affirms your
30 sense of identity, and can even increase your sense of self-worth.
1 Indeed, the quest for meaning is so important that most of us
2 would be prepared to sacrifice a good deal for what we believe in.
311 Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and Nelson Mandela are
4 iconic examples of just how far human beings are prepared to go
5 to pursue what has meaning, but many of us would similarly sacri-
6 fice our happiness, well-being, and even our lives for those people
711 and causes that we hold dear.
8 So what makes life meaningful? Throughout history there has
911 been no shortage of people offering opinions on precisely this
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111 enough, but the exact question remained a mystery. This highlights
2 something important about the quest for meaning if you are to
3 have an answer that has implications for your life, you must first
4 ask yourself the right kind of questions!
5 Trying to work out the meaning of life in the abstract is a bit
6 like searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: a waste
7 of time. The idea that there is some universal, abstract meaning to
8 life misses the point. The problem is that it implies that meaning
9 is pre-destined something that is universally assigned rather than
1011 personally defined and something that we find out, as opposed to
1 something that we create.
2 Many psychologists would argue that our meaning is unique and
3 specific something that can be fulfilled by us alone. But it does
4 not follow that we each have one meaning that, if discovered, can
5 fulfil us for all time. In fact, the meaning we seek needs to evolve as
6 we do. What made your life meaningful at ten years old will not be
7 the same thing that makes it meaningful at 50 years old.
8 Psychologists working in the field of positive psychology tend to
9 agree. Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs, for example, highlight
2011 how our lives typically draw meaning from a wide range of sources
1 including family, work, and spirituality, as well as various projects
2 and the accomplishment of our goals. Rather than getting hung up
3 on the notion that we each have a destination waiting for us, we
4 can consider the range of destinations that might be possible and
5 the range of activities, commitments, and relationships through
6 which we draw meaning. Our lives are, as a Buddhist teacher once
7 told me, many possibilities. Our task is simply to allow the possi-
8 bility of our lives to unfold.
9
30
1 Wake up to your life it isnt forever
2
311 Some years ago, when I was on retreat, our teacher encouraged us
4 to spend time walking around the cemetery adjacent to the retreat
5 centre, noting the names of the people buried there and the tributes
6 lovingly engraved on the tombstones. For a society that is so fear-
711 ful of death, and that goes to such lengths to avoid thinking about
8 it, this may sound like a strange strategy. But the point of the exer-
9 cise was not to elicit existential angst. It was about discovering how
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111 facing up to the reality of death even the death of someone you
2 never knew can unclutter the mind remarkably quickly. Once you
3 clear out the clutter, what is left is what really matters. And there
4 lies the secret to what has true, personal significance.
5 It was one of the most helpful pieces of advice I have ever been
6 given. Even now, whenever I have a big decision to make, am
7 facing a problem that seems insurmountable, or need to clarify my
8 sense of direction, I will take myself off to a churchyard and just
9 sit quietly for a while. It is not that I am expecting a visitor from
1011 another dimension, or sudden insights to fall Eureka-style from the
1 heavens. It is just that looking at the names on the tombstones
2 somehow creates a space inside of me to reconnect with what is
3 most important in my life. After all, this one day will be me.
4 It is surprising how liberating that realization can be!
5 In recent years, psychology has come to see an encounter with
6 our mortality even in our imaginations as a dramatic and
7 empowering method for working out what gives our lives mean-
8 ing. Different methods can be used to achieve this. For example,
9 one way would be to think about what you want written on your
2011 tombstone. Another is to imagine attending eulogies read at your
1 funeral, whilst a third way would be to consider what you would
2 do if you only had six months to live. Whichever method you use,
3 the aim is the same to conduct a mental spring-clean that allows
4 you to shed false values, goals, and stories you have outgrown
5 (remember Principle No. 1?) and wake up to what really matters.
6 The following exercise is a very powerful method for clearing
7 away the clutter and discovering what you want your life to be
8 about.
9
30 Warning: this exercise is liberating but can also be unsettling.
1 If you are in doubt, go through it with the support of a coach,
2 therapist or a coaching partner.
311
4
Exercise 6. The tribute
5
6 Find a place where you will not be disturbed, make yourself
711 comfortable and take a few slow breaths to clear your mind.
8 Imagine that your life is now over and you have recently died.
911 A newspaper (or magazine or journal if you prefer) whose values
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111 you admire is compiling a special edition to honour you, your life
2 and your contribution. The special edition includes interviews
3 with family, friends, colleagues, and other people whose lives you
4 touched and who wish to pay tribute to you. (Remember, the
5 special edition represents what you would most like to be said
6 about you, not what you imagine people might actually say). Write
7 your answers to the following questions in your learning log.
8
9 What would be written about you and why?
1011 Who contributes to the special edition and what do they say?
1 What impact do people say that you have had?
2 What achievements and talents does the edition celebrate and
3 honour?
4 For what strengths do people honour and celebrate you?
5 What is your legacy (to those you love, your work, your
6 community, and globally)?
7
8 The above exercise is about helping you discover what has mean-
9 ing for you. So what did you learn? What do your answers tell you
2011 about what really matters to you? What contribution do you want
1 to make? How do you want to live your life? Answer these ques-
2 tions in your learning log.
3
4
5 Make your map and live your meaning
6
7 Your answers to the questions in Exercise 6 reveal something very
8 important about you the legacy you wish to offer the world.
9 When it comes to clarifying your sense of meaning, this is a good
30 place to start. If you know what you want to leave behind, what
1 impact you would most like to make, you can start to identify
2 goals that will help you get there. Your actions become aligned
311 with your larger sense of purpose.
4 Look back over your special edition. What would it mean to
5 place your legacy your sense of personal meaning centre stage in
6 every area of your life? Would it result in a life radically different
711 from the one you are leading now? Or one that is very similar? What
8 areas would need to change? If you put this framework of mean-
9 ing at the centre of your life, what implications would it have for:
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111 believe in, being prepared to speak out against the crowd, or
2 making an unpopular or controversial choice to leave behind a
3 familiar way of life in favour of a new path. However, if your sense
4 of meaning is personally defined, then your capacity for tolerating
5 distress, difficulty, and setbacks will increase very considerably.
6 After all, you will always have a compelling reason for carrying on,
7 regardless of where the twists and turns of life might lead you.
8
9 Uncovering the Meaning of Your Life
1011
1 One thing I will take away from this chapter is . . . (write the
2 answer in your learning log).
One thing I will do differently as a result of this chapter is . . .
3 (write the answer in your learning log).
4
5
6 Bibliography
7
8 Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2005). The pursuit of meaningfulness
9 in life. In: C. R. Snyder & S. J. Lopez (Eds.), Handbook of Positive
2011 Psychology. New York: Oxford University Press.
1 *Frankl, V. (1959). Mans Search for Meaning. New York: Pocket Books.
*Frankl, V. (1969). The Will to Meaning. New York: New American
2
Library.
3
*Pavlina, S. (2005). The Meaning of Life: From Purpose to Action. Online.
4 Available at www.StevePavlina.com. Accessed 22 June 2008.
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111 one of the very qualities we need to harness to fulfil our potential
2 and achieve the results we want: the strengths within our charac-
3 ter that reflect the influence of the authentic self.
4 Your strengths are vital to everything you do and everything you
5 want to become they influence what you set your heart on and
6 what you decide is meaningful in your life. They also influence the
7 options you see as available to you, the type of future to which you
8 believe you are entitled, and the choices you subsequently make.
9 In short, if you are going to create a life that inspires you, you need
1011 to know what you are good at.
1 So my first question is this: do you know what your strengths
2 are? If you put aside all modesty (and remember that no one else
3 is going to see this list apart from you), what are some of the
4 talents, accomplishments, or resources that are central to you and
5 your life so far?
6
7
Exercise 7. Identifying your strengths
8
9 Take a moment to list your ten main strengths (talents/accom-
2011 plishments/resources) in your learning log.
1
2
3 Helpful Hint. If naming your strengths is a struggle for you, start
with small successes or accomplishments that you might be
4 inclined to dismiss as nothing out of the ordinary. If you cannot
5 list at least ten, this area needs special attention and you should
6 check out Chapter Twenty-three on how to improve self-
7 esteem. This is definitely a growth area for you!
8
9
30 Take a look at your list. Chances are you will have identified a
1 number of different areas. Maybe you included key skills acquired
2 through formal training, knowledge of certain topics (such as
311 career based expertise, how to raise children, or DIY), or some of
4 your accomplishments (qualifications, certificates, and awards,
5 etc). Maybe you identified certain successes in your life, such as
6 events of which you are particularly proud.
711 But your list might also contain examples of another type of
8 strength those qualities that you appreciate in yourself, or that
911 others value about you that seem quite separate from anything you
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111 Martin Seligman have devised? Do the results you have obtained
2 feel true for you?
3 Martin Seligman suggests that there are a number of key signs
4 that we have identified the signature strengths that speak to our
5 own truth. In particular, he suggests that they tend to recur. So,
6 look for patterns across time and place: are they qualities that crop
7 up time and time again? Are they qualities for which other people
8 tend to appreciate you? Are they associated with good feelings for
9 you, such as joy, zest for living, and enthusiasm? Does expressing
1011 them in your life lead to improved self-esteem, greater happiness,
1 and a sense of fulfilment?
2 If you are unsure that you have captured the essence of your
3 strengths, check through your list again and keep revising them
4 until your top five really resonate.
5
6
7 How living out your signature strengths will
8 change your life
9 If you commit yourself to using your signature strengths every day,
2011 then you are well on the way to creating a life that is rich in mean-
1 ing and inspiration. What you actually do in terms of work and
2 leisure may or may not change, but you will find that the core areas
3 of your life start to become more aligned. Life becomes more
4 harmonious and easier to manage. You will stop chasing after those
5 things that dont speak to your soul and it will be easier to select
6 meaningful goals, honour your responsibilities, and protect your
7 time, because you are clear about what really matters.
8 When you are living life from your signature strengths, every-
9 thing becomes more exciting, more alive, and more real. Learning
30 becomes an adventure, obstacles that once overwhelmed you
1 become challenges that arouse your curiosity, relationships become
2 more rewarding and work becomes something that enriches your
311 life. When you live from your strengths, you have a clear sense of
4 direction.
5
6
711 Honour your signature strengths in everything you do
8 Your signature strengths come from a place of personal authenti-
911 city, and so every time you put them into practice you are giving
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111 life to an essential part of yourself and will feel positive and more
2 fulfilled. The key is arranging your life so that your signature
3 strengths can be expressed in each of the core domains we looked
4 at in your Inspiration Inventory (Chapter One).
5 Imagine a life in which, from now on, all your major choices
6 and life goals are based on your signature strengths. Imagine how
7 you will spend your time, how you will be in your work, your rela-
8 tionships, and your free time. How will you take care of you, and
9 what do you want to contribute to the world? Write down your
1011 responses in your learning log.
1 Now think about how you might arrange your life to give your
2 signature strengths more prominence in your life. What, if any,
3 changes are needed? Use the following exercise to guide your
4 choices and actions.
5
6
7 Exercise 8. Making your signature strengths work for you
8
Take each of your top five signature strengths and think about how
9
you can build more of it into your life, every day. How might you
2011
use each one in the following areas:
1
2
3 your relationship with yourself (including self-esteem, self-
4 care, health and lifestyle);
5 your intimate relationships (partner, spouse, children, and
6 family);
7 your friendships and social life;
8 your responsibilities to your community, country, and the
9 wider world;
30 your career and work (including worklife balance);
1 your financial arrangements (including financial planning and
2 spending);
311 your hobbies and interests;
4 your spiritual life?
5
6
711 Helpful Hint: You might find it useful to review your answers
8 to the Inspiration Inventory in Part I.
9
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111 enrich your life and the lives of others. If you review the 24
2 strengths listed previously, can you identify any that you would
3 particularly like to develop at this point in your life? How would
4 they change your life for the better? And how might you go about
5 incorporating them into the fabric of your life? Jot down your
6 thoughts in your learning log.
7
8
9 Take home message
1011
1 A large part of coaching yourself in the art of inspired living comes
2 down to knowing what you bring to and can offer the world.
3 Unlike achievements and accomplishments, your signature
4 strengths reflect who you are, not what you want to achieve. But
5 they are also a compass, pointing you in the direction of wise
6 choices and informed actions. As a reflection of the authentic you,
7 these core values can usefully influence not just the decisions you
8 make, but also the goals you prioritize. So, get to know your signa-
ture strengths. Build them into your life wherever you can. But
9
most of all, celebrate them: they are part of your unique contribu-
2011
tion to this world.
1
2
3 Honouring and Building on Your Signature Strengths
4 One thing I will take away from this chapter is . . . (note this in
5 your learning log).
6 One thing I will do differently as a result of this chapter is . . .
7 (note this in your learning log).
8
9
30 Bibliography
1 Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Character Strengths and
2 Virtues. New York: Oxford University Press.
311 *Seligman, M. E. P. (2003). Authentic Happiness. London: Nicholas
4 Brealey.
5
6
711 Resources
8 *Values in Action Institute. Online. Available at www.viastrengths.
9 org.
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111 the needs and drives of the authentic self, and supports us in
2 following our Mission.
3 The ability to act with bravery might even be essential to our
4 survival. As Chris Peterson and Martin Seligman observe, in the
5 context of a future that is marked by so much uncertainty and
6 unpredictability, the ability to exercise courage may be essential to
7 everyday living. Certainly many of my clients would agree, choos-
8 ing to put themselves through many difficult and challenging tasks
9 to overcome difficulties and achieve their goals sometimes even
1011 to reclaim their ability to do things that others would take for
1 granted. What tremendous acts of courage and for me, a never-
2 ending source of inspiration!
3
4
5 The choice you need to make
6
7 Although you might be tempted to see courage as an emotion, it
8 is perhaps more helpful to view it as a decision the decision to
9 pursue a desired direction despite experiencing fear, doubt, and
2011 other unpleasant feelings. Notice also that what is courageous for
1 one person would not be courageous for another. For example, my
2 colleague, Rachel, is frightened of public speaking. My friend,
3 Matthew, loves the chance to perform. Both have jobs that involve
4 giving presentations to groups of experienced professionals. Every
5 time Rachel stands up to address her audience she is choosing to
6 exercise her courage, because she is choosing to put herself in a
7 situation which she knows will evoke fear. For Matthew, however,
8 this part of his job is something he relishes it involves no courage
9 because the situation evokes no fear.
30 So, if we look at the essence of this remarkable human quality
1 and how it operates in our lives, we can see that to be courageous
2 means to
311
4 take 100% responsibility for yourself and your life;
5 make choices and own those choices;
6 be willing to confront what is no longer working in your life;
711 recognize and accept that there are potential costs involved in
8 changing your life;
911 take appropriate, life-enhancing risks in pursuit of your goals;
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111 persist with your efforts, even when the results dont pay off
2 straight away;
3 override uncomfortable feelings in the service of something
4 greater (for example, honouring your authentic self and your
5 signature strengths);
6 be open to feedback and prepared to learn from your
7 mistakes.
8
9 How comfortable are you with these elements of courageous
1011 behaviour? How often do you exercise them in your own life and
1 in what areas? Where does your courage tend to fail you? Make a
2 note of your answers in your learning log.
3
4
5 Making fear work for you
6
7 Fear sometimes gets a bad press we dont like how it feels and so
8 we try to get rid of it. But fear has a very important role to play in
9 our lives. It is part of a survival instinct that we have inherited from
2011 our ancestors. When our ancestors were confronted with a threat
1 to their survival in the form of say, a predator, essential changes in
2 the functioning of the brain and body enabled them to be stronger
3 and faster either to fight the predator or to run away. This reac-
4 tion is known as the fight or flight response.
5 This reaction is so deeply embedded within us that I can guar-
6 antee if you suddenly found yourself confronted with a lion, tiger,
7 or any other threat to your physical survival, you would react in
8 the same way as your ancestors. You wouldnt have to think about
9 it, it would happen automatically.
30 The problem, however, is that most of the challenges we face
1 today do not involve wild animals but what I term head level
2 worries. Here are some examples of common head level fears. See
311 how many feel relevant for you:
4
5 fear of failure;
6 fear of success;
711 fear of not belonging;
8 fear of not being your own person;
9 fear of making mistakes;
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111 life. If you introduce one new activity every week and stick with
2 it, you will soon find that those things that used to cause you
3 anxiety have become second nature.
4
5
6 Seek out success rather than trying to avoid failure
7
8 A successful business women I once met told me, Its not that Ive
9 failed. Its just that some things havent worked out. This was a
1011 woman who had maintained considerable drive and motivation to
1 succeed, despite having more than her fair share of failures along
2 the way. Her words sum up the essence of courage in action and
3 the mentality with which you need to approach life: the need to
4 be a success hunter rather than a failure fleer.
5 The difference between seeking success and avoiding failure
6 might sound like little more than playing with semantics. How-
7 ever, there is a world of difference between the two in terms of the
8 attitudes, actions, and motivations with which life is approached.
9 Success hunters and failure fleers experience the world in totally
2011 different ways. From the outside, they might look pretty similar
1 they might achieve equally good results, have similar lifestyles, and
2 have achieved similar goals. But their experience of life will be radi-
3 cally different.
4 Failure fleers are driven by self-doubt. The prospect of failing
5 seems so catastrophic and overwhelming that their raison detre
6 seems to be organized almost entirely around doing things that will
7 prevent their worst fears from materialising. These are the people
8 who invest enormous amounts of time and energy in their goals
9 but are able to take little pride in their accomplishments only a
30 sense of relief that, on this occasion, they have managed to avoid
1 failure. When you are a failure fleer it is only a matter of time
2 before you burn out.
311 In contrast, success hunters are able to see apparent failures as an
4 opportunity to accrue experience that they can use to their advan-
5 tage. Failure is not some terrible monster lurking in the shadows
6 and so there is freedom to pursue what really matters and freedom
711 to experiment with the best ways of achieving it. If you want to
8 succeed in life and coach yourself effectively in the art of inspired
9 living, you need to adopt the perspective of a success hunter.
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111 Write down your thoughts and ideas on these questions in your
2 learning log.
3 Now think of an occasion when you succeeded. Give yourself a
4 moment to really connect with that success and the thoughts and
5 feelings that went with it. See if you can dissect this experience in
6 the same way.
7
8 What are the different elements that contributed to things
9 working out so well?
1011 What was my part in creating this success?
1 What uncomfortable feelings did I choose to override to
2 pursue my ambition or goal?
3 What self-doubting, undermining, or self-critical thoughts
4 did I need to ignore in order to achieve this result?
5 What can I learn from my success on this occasion?
6 How can I use this experience as the basis for success next
7 time?
8
9 Again, write down your thoughts and ideas in your learning log.
2011
1
2 Take home message
3
4 Bravery is not something that we are born with. It is something we
5 can develop, a way of being in the world that we can cultivate
6 through observing other people and putting ourselves in situations
7 that stretch us beyond our comfort zones. Like all four principles
8 that make up the Mission section of MAP, the decision to act coura-
9 geously is not one that you make once and for all, but rather one to
30 which you need to commit over and over again.
1 You cannot eliminate fear in fact, it would not be in your best
2 interests to do so. But you can choose your response to it. You can
311 take it as a sign that you are moving in the wrong direction, and
4 stay in your comfort zone. Or you can choose to live your life to
5 the full, in spite of it.
6 This is important, because exercising courage is not about fairy-
711 tale endings. Its about putting yourself on the line, even though
8 you do not know how things are going to work out. Choosing to
9 exercise courage the courage to express your authenticity, to live
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111 *Levine, S. (1997). A Year to Live. How to Live this Year as if it were Your
2 Last. New York: Bell Tower.
3
4
5 Resources
6
7 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Online. Available at www.
8 contextualpsychology.org.
9
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111 will now have a lot of rich material at your fingertips. Before
2 moving on to the next section, spend time sifting through it. What
3 recurring themes or patterns did you find? What emerges as your
4 story? What is the constellation of strengths that you have to offer
5 the world?
6 One of the most helpful ways to pull together all your new
7 knowledge and insights is to transform them into a Mission
8 Statement. Below are some examples of Mission Statements
9 produced by people I know and have worked with.
1011
1 To inspire and empower others to fulfil their potential.
2 To offer healing to people who are suffering.
3 To give my children the best start in life.
4 To serve God in all that I do and in everything I am.
5 To do what I can to help eliminate poverty.
6 To offer my services, in whatever way I can, to conserve our
7 planet.
8 To share my knowledge and skills for the good of everyone.
9 To be there for my family.
2011
1 Notice how all of these Mission statements could spiral off in any
2 number of directions. Pursuing any of the above will open up
3 opportunities personally and professionally as well as involving
4 choices that relate to work, lifestyle, relationships, and so on. Your
5 Mission, remember, is about determining the broad landscape of
6 how you want your life to be rather than getting into the specifics
7 of what you want to do, where and when (well come to the
8 specifics later on).
9
30
1 Your Mission should you choose to accept it
2
311 If you were going to sum up your Mission, how would you put it
4 into words? How would you summarise it, based on all the work
5 you have done in Principles 14? Write your own Mission
6 Statement your learning log, under the heading of I believe my
711 Mission is . . ..
8 Once you have your Mission Statement, put it to one side for a
911 few days and then re-read it. How do you feel when you look at it
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111 your life be different? If you knew, if you really believed, that every
2 challenge was something that you could use to your advantage or
3 the advantage of others, how would you respond to lifes obstacles
4 and setbacks?
5
6
7 An athlete with attitude
8
9 One of the most inspiring illustrations of choosing an Attitude
1011 that enables us to achieve remarkable things is Jane Tomlinson.
1 Diagnosed as having incurable cancer in 2000 and given only six
2 months to live, Jane chose, through example, to show how people
3 with a terminal prognosis can still lead an active and fulfilling life.
4 Janes numerous courses of chemotherapy resulted in chronic
heart disease. However, this did not prevent her from completing
5
the London Marathon in 2003. In addition to being the first person
6
in the world to have run a marathon on chemotherapy, she was the
7
only person with incurable cancer to have completed a full Iron-
8
man (4 km swim, 180 km bike ride and full marathon, to be done
9
inside 17 hours), two half Ironmans, and three London Marathons
2011
as well as the New York Marathon and three London Triathlons.
1
Janes amazing drive and commitment enabled her to raise 1.75
2
million for charity. She died in 2007, but by then her inspirational
3
work had been honoured through numerous accolades and awards.
4
Jane is a shining example of the potential of human beings to
5
achieve truly great things even in life-threatening circumstances.
6
But perhaps what makes her story particularly inspiring is that she
7 draws attention to how we all, potentially, have the ability to
8 respond to adversity in the same way. She chose not to interpret
9 her prognosis as a statement about who she was and what she
30 could and could not do. This capacity to choose how we respond
1 to events is what I mean by Attitude. So lets look at your Attitude
2 in more detail.
311
4
5
What are your fundamental beliefs,
6 perspectives, and outlooks?
711
8 Whereas your Mission is concerned with the why of your life, your
911 Attitude refers to what you bring to it the perspectives, outlooks,
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111 and beliefs that lead you to act in certain ways and not in others.
2 This, by the way, includes the beliefs you have about success, fail-
3 ure, and your ability to fulfil your potential.
4 Knowing the perspectives, outlooks, and beliefs you bring to
5 your life allows you to clarify some of the resources that will inform
6 your coaching journey as well as some of your stumbling blocks.
7 The main Attitudes you bring, including even the idea that coach-
8 ing can be of benefit to you, have been shaped by the knowledge,
9 skills, and life experience you have accumulated over the years.
1011 They will also reflect the values, ideals, and standards of the family,
1 community, work environment, and society in which you are
2 embedded.
3 The psychologist Jerome Bruner suggested that each of us has
4 what he termed a library of scripts. These scripts, inherited from
5 our family, community, and society more generally, shape even
6 determine how we think and act. There are many scripts
7 currently operating in our Western library. Some of the more
8 dominant and pressuring ones include the following. See how
9 many apply to you, and how they have influenced your choices
2011 and actions (for good or ill).
1
The Dont get ideas above your station script.
2
The Dont aim too high because youre sure to be disap-
3
pointed script.
4
The You must make sure you fit in script.
5
The Youre a failure if youre not successful script.
6 The Its important to keep moving up the career ladder
7 script.
8 The A persons worth is determined by their material wealth
9 script.
30 The Its important to be attractive to be loved script.
1 The Its important to be thin script (why else would we have
2 invented the size zero dress size?).
311 The You should beat the ageing process script.
4 The You should try to have it all script.
5
6 If youre honest with yourself, you have probably felt the pressure
711 of some these scripts at some point in your life. However much
8 you might like to think you are immune to them, the truth is they
9 influence us all in some form or other.
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111 Of course, there is nothing wrong with aiming for career success,
2 wealth, or making the most of your physical attributes, and if they
3 are priorities for you, then thats fine. Similarly, there is nothing
4 wrong with having realistic standards that accommodate the fact
5 you are only human. The problem is, however, that these attitudes
6 about what is important are often based on what we think we should
7 want rather than what that genuinely inspires us. Worse still, these
8 scripts are often given priority over nourishing our potential,
9 nurturing our love of life, appreciating the gift of our individuality,
1011 and honouring our personal and collective humanity.
1 So, if you are to honour your Mission and decide on a destina-
2 tion that is truly of your own choosing, you need to know exactly
3 what your library of scripts contains. Only then can you start to
4 disentangle yourself from the web of values in which youre
5 immersed, to identify those that still matter to you and those you
6 have outgrown.
7 Think about the Attitudes you have inherited the ones that
8 have helped shape you into the person you are today. See which
9 ones have nurtured your talents and which ones have got in the
2011 way, using the following questions to guide you.
1
2 What Attitudes (perspectives, beliefs, values or ideals) do you
3 hold about:
4 yourself (including what you like and dont like about the
5 person that you are)?
6 other people and relationships?
7 life and how the world works?
8
9 Once your answers to these questions start to emerge, consider
30 the following.
1
2 Where did your attitudes come from?
311 Who and what have been important in shaping these atti-
4 tudes?
5 Which attitudes are valuable to you at this point in your life?
6 (Remember, perspectives can change: what may have been
711 useful to you earlier in your life may not work for you now.)
8 Which ones have you now outgrown?
911 Which attitudes have caused you to play at being small?
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111 If you could start life over, would you choose the same atti-
2 tudes or devise new ones? If you were to devise new ones,
3 what might they be?
4
5 Again, write down your responses in your learning log so you can
6 revisit and revise them as you work through the next four chapters.
7 In MAP, Attitude is not just about what you bring to the jour-
8 ney. It is also about cultivating the outlooks, perspectives, and
9 beliefs that will help you achieve your goals. In the next chapters,
1011 I am going to share some Attitudes that are worth cultivating, that
1 will help you get more out of life and enable you to coach your-
2 self to success. These Attitudes in MAP are:
3
4 Principle No. 5: Optimism
5 Viewing experiences and events in an empowering way; maintain-
6 ing a hopeful outlook on life; looking for the hidden gifts in chal-
7 lenging situations.
8 Principle No. 6: Curiosity
9 The capacity to be open to experience and have a genuine interest
2011 in new situations and experiences; valuing exploration, learning
1 and discovery.
2
3 Principle No. 7: Gratitude
4 A genuine appreciation for life and the many gifts bestowed upon
5 you; the capacity to be thankful for all that is yours to give and
6 receive.
7 Principle No. 8: Compassion
8 The capacity to respect and empathize with ourselves and others;
9 the willingness to let go of past resentments; an active acceptance
30 of what is.
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111 power of choice. In this sense, the art of inspired living has less to
2 do with the circumstances in which we find ourselves than it does
3 the perspectives we bring to those circumstances.
4 How do you respond to setbacks in life? After the initial disap-
5 pointment has subsided do you look at them objectively and see
6 what you can do differently next time? Or ruminate on them
7 endlessly, blaming yourself or others for failing? And what about
8 the future, including your beliefs about your ability to achieve your
9 goals? Are you cynical about your prospects for change? Do you
1011 worry endlessly about what the future may have in store or trust
1 yourself to handle whatever comes along? Write your thoughts
2 about these questions in your learning log.
3
4
5 Karens story
6
7 When Karen came to see me, she was depressed. Her partner of six
8 years, with whom she had hoped to start a family, had recently left
9 her. Her self-esteem was in tatters, she was struggling to cope, and
2011 had been signed off work with depression. I feel like such a fail-
1 ure, she told me. Its all my fault Robert left, I always ruin my
2 relationships. Im obviously destined to be alone. I just dont see
3 the point any more.
4 Karen was describing a sense of hopelessness true of many
5 people who are experiencing depression. The loss of her partner,
6 and the loss of her dream of starting a family with him, had trig-
7 gered a belief that life was pointless and that she would always feel
8 as unhappy as she did right then. She felt negative about herself,
9 the world, and her future.
30 When I talked to Karen a bit longer, I discovered that she had
1 always tended to look on the bleak side of things. I have always
2 been a cup half empty person, she admitted. But its better to
311 be realistic than to have your hopes ruined. Besides, my life is a
4 mess, so whats the point of positive thinking? Id just be kidding
5 myself.
6 Karen was missing the point. She was confusing optimism with
711 positive thinking and was mistaking her current feelings of
8 despair for an accurate appraisal of her circumstances. She is not
911 alone in this. Many people believe that being pessimistic is a more
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111 realistic way to view the world. Perennial pessimists will even tell
2 you that there are benefits to anticipating the worst. It is not
3 unusual, for example, for people to choose a negative outlook in
4 an attempt to prevent disappointment: If I expect the worst, I
5 wont be disappointed is the rule that guides their outlook. But
6 there is a terrible price to be paid for this type of attitude.
7
8
9 The price you pay for your pessimism
1011
1 If you see yourself as one of lifes pessimists, prepare yourself for a
2 shock. Studies in psychology have shown that a pessimistic mind-
3 set has a powerful negative influence on our health and happiness.
4 Not only has pessimism been linked to depression and, in extreme
5 cases, suicidal behaviour, but when we live our lives under its
6 shadow, we are likely to under-perform at work and fail to achieve
7 our goals. Pessimism even seems to affect the immune system,
8 making us susceptible to illness and disease.
9 Pessimism also saps our energy and love of life. Think of some-
2011 one whom you would see as pessimistic. How do they respond to
1 challenges and setbacks? Their attitude may be one of doom and
2 gloom or they may exude an air of cynicism that veils a quiet
3 desperation. Think about how you feel after you have spent time
4 with them. Positive or negative? Energized or drained? Do you
5 enjoy being around them? Probably not.
6 Optimism, in contrast, has a major role to play in increasing the
7 amount of satisfaction we get from life. Studies show that opti-
8 mism is essential to success in many careers, including sales and
9 competitive sports where rejection and apparent failures are
30 commonplace.
1 Think of someone you know who is naturally optimistic. How
2 does this person respond to challenges and setbacks? What kind of
311 energy do they radiate into the world? How do you feel after you
4 have spent time with them? Do you enjoy spending time with
5 them? Probably.
6 But why should optimism and pessimism have such a powerful
711 impact? Both these attitudes give out and attract back a certain
8 type of energy that becomes self-fulfilling. The more optimistic
9 you are, the more positive energy you radiate into the world, which
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111 in turn attracts positive reactions from others the very kinds of
2 reactions you need to open up new opportunities. Conversely, a
3 pessimistic outlook sends out negative energy, which leads others
4 to react in an equally negative way. To some extent, it seems, we
5 get what we expect.
6 As life coach Fiona Harrold observes, our outlook informs, if
7 not determines, our landscape of expectations and possibilities.
8 And yet, rather than expand our range of choices, many of us
9 prefer to adopt inflexible and restricting beliefs that we fight to
1011 hold on to. So, whatever Attitude you choose from now on, you
1 need to be clear about its impact and whether it is helping you
2 move in the direction of the life you want.
3
4
5 Optimism and pessimism: different mindsets
6 for different ends
7 Being optimistic is not about seeing the positive in everything. Nor
8 is it about adopting a blind faith in the goodness of humankind.
9 Total optimism in all situations is nave, even dangerous. For
2011 example, if you start to experience chest pains whenever you take
1 physical exercise and you have a history of heart problems in your
2 family, to tell yourself that it is just indigestion could be overlook-
3 ing an important message that your body is giving you. A healthy
4 level of pessimism leads you to take action when action is required
5 in this case, seeing a doctor. Making a will, taking out life assur-
6 ance, and buckling your seat belt are similar examples of healthy
7 pessimism: you hope you will not need them, but by anticipating
8 the worst, can protect yourself from possible hazards.
9 The problem occurs when pessimism starts to permeate your
30 life in a way that limits your choices. If you see most things
1 through the mental filter of pessimism, life becomes a disaster
2 waiting to happen. You spiral into a vortex of negativity that soon
311 feels impossible to break out of, fuelling feelings of helplessness,
4 hopelessness, and despair, much like Karen.
5 Many of these mental filters simply come down to habit. If you
6 get into the habit of interpreting everything through a pessimistic
711 lens, your outlook on life will be equally negative. Similarly, if you
8 adopt the habit of interpreting events through an optimistic lens,
911 your outlook will be more constructive.
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111 how you will feel good for completing household chores, or
2 clearing paper work;
3 how the day will enable you to earn a days wages;
4 how your work, including daily chores, will benefit others;
5 cherishing the chance to read a good book or listen to the radio.
6 If you are currently facing challenges, work on depersonalizing
7 them. Avoid taking responsibility for what is not wholly or even
8 partially your fault. Remind yourself that problems pass, that all
9 setbacks contain discovery opportunities and that however bad the
1011 problem seems, other areas of your life are working well. Refram-
1 ing problems as challenges enables you to grow. What can you
2 learn for next time? Similarly, own your successes and remind
3 yourself of all the good things that have sustained you in life. As
4 we saw in Principle No. 1, there are always other ways of telling
5 your story that present new choices.
6 As the optimistic mindset becomes more robust, you will find
7 that it gradually becomes incorporated within your authentic self.
8 To help you on your way, try using the ideas in the coaching tool
9 kit below.
2011
1 Your Coaching Tool Kit: Top Tips for Increasing Your Optimism
2 1. Watch your language! Next time something bad happens,
3 change always and never words to sometimes and lately.
4 When something good happens, insert always and never
5 words and notice the difference.
2. Make a list of all the ways you will benefit from develop-
6
ing a more optimistic outlook and remind yourself of the bene-
7 fits of developing this perspective in your life.
8 3. Every time you encounter an obstacle ask yourself: what
9 can I learn from this? How can I turn this to my advantage?
30 4. Make a list of all the optimists and pessimists in your life.
1 Whose pessimism do you benefit from (for example, your legal
or financial adviser) and whose pessimism drains you? How can
2 you limit your contact with the unhelpful pessimists in your life?
311 5. Find an optimistic role-model. If it is a celebrity, read their
4 biography. Analyse their thinking and experiment with their
5 Attitude. Imagine how they would explain their successes and
6 setbacks. If it is someone you know personally, talk to them
711 about how they see the world.
6. Start an Optimism File. Collect inspiring quotations and
8 stories to bolster your own optimism potential.
9
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111
2
3
4 CHAPTER ELEVEN
5
6
7
8 Principle No. 6 Cultivating
9
1011
Curiosity: Develop Your Passion
1 for Knowledge
2
3
4
5
6
7
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious
8
9 (Albert Einstein)
2011
1
2 Welcome to Principle No. 6: the power of curiosity. In this chapter you
3 will:
4
discover why curiosity is essential to the art of inspired living;
5
learn about your own curiosity and preferred learning style;
6
discover how to develop curiosity so you can get more out of life.
7
8
If you could learn about anything at all, what would it be? What
9
fascinates you so much that you can lose track of time just by
30
doing it?
1
Personal development guru Tony Robbins suggests that as long
2
as you are genuinely curious, nothing is boring. But curiosity is
311
more than the antidote to boredom; it is also a source of inspira-
4
tion in its own right.
5
People who are curious have an added dimension to their lives.
6
They have an insatiable appetite for information and knowledge
711
and can appreciate new places, new people, and new experiences
8
as the adventure that they are.
9
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111 and relationships, what you liked and disliked, what was right
2 and wrong, and how to succeed. Over time, this became a more
3 elaborate map of thoughts and feelings, actions and reactions, and
4 preferences and choices. Behind it all, driving all of these expedi-
5 tions, was your innate curiosity.
6 Unfortunately, by the time we are immersed within the educa-
7 tion system, many of us have had our innate curiosity knocked out
8 of us. We have learnt that there are right answers and wrong
9 answers, good test results and bad test results, and that our expe-
1011 ditions, adventures, and constant questions can annoy the adults
1 around us. We also learn that there are certain things we shouldnt
2 ask about (because they seem to make people uncomfortable) and
3 that we live in a world in which answers are often deemed more
4 important than questions.
5 But the dampening of our curiosity comes at a terrible cost and
6 in this chapter, I want to reawaken that innate ability within you
7 your passion to know, your thirst for knowledge, and your love
8 of learning.
9
2011
1 Why love learning? The curious facts . . .
2
3 Although scientists are not yet able to define the precise mecha-
4 nisms through which curiosity enhances our abilities, they do
5 know that the thirst for knowledge, the desire to learn, and the
6 ability to remain open to what experience has to teach all have
7 positive effects on our emotional well-being. Those of us who are
8 highly curious can expect a greater abundance of positive emotions
9 such as excitement and enjoyment of life, as well as healthy self-
30 esteem. Curious people are more creative, enjoy challenges, and
1 have better relationships. It has even been suggested that curiosity
2 can enhance life expectancy!
311 Curiosity is also vital to fulfilling our potential. It helps us learn
4 better and enhances our skills in problem-solving and complex
5 decision-making. We remain flexible when events do not quite fit
6 our current expectations and are likely to persist in the face of set-
711 backs and obstacles. Like Ralph, people who experience high levels
8 of curiosity do not see themselves as passive recipients of life
911 events; they actively engage with them and are motivated to use
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111 If you are a passive learner, you tend to approach new tasks
2 more warily, preferring to absorb information you are given rather
3 than actively seeking to acquire it. You are more likely to be afraid
4 of the unknown and anxious about making mistakes. Deep down,
5 you are not sure you can trust your abilities and so may ask others
6 for help because you lack the confidence to try things for yourself.
7 While you may be relieved and pleased when you have mastered
8
9 Exercise 12. Are you an active or passive learner?
1011 Very true Moderately Not really
1 of me true of me true of me
2
1. I thrive on the opportunity
3 to learn something new. ! ! !
4 2. I find learning for the sake
5 of it highly rewarding. ! ! !
6 3. There are many things
7 that interest me. ! ! !
8 4. If I cant work something
9 out straight away, Ill
2011 persevere until I can. ! ! !
1 5. I find challenges stimulating
2 and exciting. ! ! !
3 6. Setbacks dont concern me
4 too much. ! ! !
5 7. I feel confident about
managing and supporting
6 my own learning. ! ! !
7 8. I trust my abilities to learn
8 new things, even if its a
9 stretch at first. ! ! !
30 9. Generally, I am able to
1 come up with solutions
2 to problems. ! ! !
311 10. I am confident that I will
4 learn from my mistakes. ! ! !
5 11. I enjoy finding out more
6 about the world. ! ! !
711 12. I think the world is full of
interesting things, people
8
911
and places. ! ! !
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111 Your learning orientation will influence the way you approach
2 new tasks. If you are performance orientated you may well work
3 hard, but your learning will be largely outcome-focused for
4 example, studying the curriculum for an exam, or putting in the
5 hours to get a good performance appraisal at your next salary
6 review. Your learning approach is likely to remain narrowly focused
7
8
Exercise 13. Is your learning style intrinsically or extrinsically
9
motivated?
1011
1 Very true Moderately Not really
2 of me true of me true of me
3 1. I enjoy learning for its
4 own sake. ! ! !
5 2. External rewards are not
6 my primary motivation for
7 learning new things. ! ! !
8 3. I learn better when left to
9 my own devices, rather
2011 than needing to study for
1 a course, qualification or
2 promotion. ! ! !
3 4. I rarely worry about how
4 my efforts compare with
5 those of others. ! ! !
6 5. I feel motivated to learn in
7 the absence of external
8 rewards (such as passing an
9 exam or obtaining a
30 qualification). ! ! !
1 6. I like looking for links
2 between what I am learning
311 now and what I already
4 know. ! ! !
5 7. I feel good about myself when
I have learnt something new. ! ! !
6
711 8. When it comes to learning
something new, I prefer to
8
911
work it out for myself. ! ! !
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111 Active
2
3
4
5 Extrinsic Intrinsic
6
7
8
9 Passive
1011
Figure 1. Your learning approach.
1
2 Copy the diagram (Figure 1) into your learning log and use it
3 to plot different areas of your life. How many, and which areas of
4 your life fit into each of the four sections? Do you have a balance
5 or do you need a more active and intrinsically motivated approach?
6
7
8
9 Know the origins of your approach to learning
2011
1 As we have seen, if you approach new challenges with a sense of
2 competence, the experience of learning is likely to prove stimulat-
3 ing and rewarding. However, if your previous experiences of learn-
4 ing were based on being closely scrutinised or even being punished
5 when you made mistakes, your passion to know may feel crushed
6 beneath the need to do well. Engaging your curiosity could then
7 feel like quite a challenge.
8 Think about your own experiences of learning. How was your
9 learning helped or hindered by your parents, teachers, and peers
30 when you were young? Were you encouraged to experiment or play
1 it safe? Were mistakes seen as an inevitable part of learning or were
2 they greeted with disappointment? What meanings did you attach
311 to learning when you were young a chance to engage with the
4 world, or a sense of having tasks imposed on you that didnt really
5 mean that much? Think about how you might now approach any
6 previous obstacles from a more empowered perspective and jot
711 down your thoughts in your learning log.
8 Whatever your prior experiences, know that you now have a
911 choice. As an adult, you can stimulate your own interest and enjoy-
40
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111 To get you started, jot down your answers to the following ques-
2 tions and see where they lead.
3
4 What fascinates you?
5 What sparks a sense of wonder or awe within you?
6 What situations, events, objects, or people are most likely to
7 arouse your desire to know more?
8 If you could learn about anything at all, what would it be?
9 (Identify anything that you have always wanted to know more
1011 about.)
1 How could you extend the parameters of your curiosity to
2 include new topics?
3 Think of something you do regularly something that you
4 would judge as mundane or ordinary. How could you stretch
5 yourself by seeing this in a new way?
6
7
8
Your Coaching Tool Kit: Ideas for Developing your Natural
9 Curiosity
2011
1 1. Put yourself in situations that are likely to arouse your
2 curiosity. Do more of what truly interests you.
2. Try approaching a very mundane situation (e.g., going
3 shopping, travelling to work) as though for the first time. How
4 is it different when seen through fresh eyes?
5 3. If you are a passive learner, experiment with adopting a
6 more active approach. How does this change how you feel
7 about the task in hand?
8 4. If you are an extrinsic learner, experiment with adopting
9 an intrinsic approach. How does this change how you feel
about the task in hand?
30
5. Next time you have something new to learn, trust your
1 abilities and see how enjoyable you can make the learning
2 process.
311
4
5
6 Finally, remember to view your learning potential through an
711 optimistic lens. Adopt the attitude that you can learn successfully
8 and effectively and that the process will be enriching. Eventually,
911 it will start to become so.
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111 life for granted again. And with this feeling of gratitude came, for
2 the first time in her life, a profound sense of peace . . .
3
4
5 The transformational power of gratitude
6
7 Gratitude is a quality that expresses the highest of our potentials
8 and is a core characteristic of people who are able to nurture and
9 fulfil their potential to a high level.
1011 Psychologist Abraham Maslow suggested that taking our bless-
1 ings for granted is a primary cause of suffering and misery. But the
2 pressures of modern life make it all too easy to fall into this trap.
3 Life plods along, with all its irritations and frustrations, and much
4 of the time we focus on all the things we have to get done, barely
5 noticing how much we have going for us. Very often, it is not until
6 we experience a serious threat to our lives that we realize how much
7 we have to lose.
8 How many times do you make a conscious decision to feel
9 grateful for everything that is in your life, both big and small?
2011 What kinds of experiences make you feel grateful and in which
1 domains (for example, work, relationships, achievements, the
2 thoughtfulness of others, beautiful scenery)? Before you go any
3 further, jot down your answers to the following questions.
4
5 What are you thankful for?
6 What would you count as being among the most precious
7 blessings of your life?
8 What do you take for granted in your life that someone in a
9 developing or war-torn country would see as a blessing?
30 What would you badly miss if it were taken away?
1 What experiences have you had, that have made you feel glad
2 to be alive?
311
4
5
Megs story
6
711 Following her health scare, Meg began to consider these questions
8 very seriously. Like many of us she had grown up with the popu-
911 lar idea that she should count her blessings but, although far from
40
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111 ungrateful by nature, she had spent most of her life worrying about
2 everything that could go wrong. Having had a major health scare,
3 however, counting her blessings took on a whole new meaning.
4 Meg decided to start a gratitude journal. Not a religious person,
5 she didnt have a particular sense of to whom the journal entries
6 might be dedicated, she just picked up a notebook and started
7 writing. She began by recording the big things, such as her health,
8 the love of her husband, having two healthy, happy children and a
9 family who loved her. But as the weeks went by, she found herself
1011 thinking about other things she had taken for granted: the job that
1 paid her a regular wage (a job she had formerly moaned about),
2 food that was in plentiful supply, the roof over her head, and the
3 fact that she could afford to live in a safe area.
4 But Meg didnt stop here. She realized the fact she had work,
5 food, and a roof over her head was the result of many peoples
6 knowledge and efforts the farmers who had grown and packaged
7 the food, the builders who had the skills to build her house, the
8 teachers who were trained to educate her children, and the health-
9 care professions who were able to carry out her recent medical
2011 investigations. After a few weeks, Meg told me that she had arrived
1 at a surprising conclusion: that there was nothing and no one to
2 whom she did not owe a debt of gratitude.
3 Had her life radically changed? No. She was still doing the same
4 job and had to manage the same daily hassles that she had experi-
5 enced before her health scare. But she now viewed her life through
6 a completely different lens: being grateful had become part of
7 Megs Mission.
8
9
30 The secret ingredient of joyful living
1
2 The Roman philosopher and statesman, Marcus Cicero, said that
311 gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all
4 the others. Whether or not this is true is a matter for debate.
5 However, one thing is certain: gratitude is one of the richest
6 sources of inspiration available to us.
711 Gratitude is a psychological state that enables you to connect
8 deeply with others and the world around you. Originating from
9 the Latin word gratia, or gra-tus, meaning grace, graciousness, or
40
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111 last week, you probably found that focusing on all the negative
2 events has lowered your mood. You might also find that there have
3 been some changes in your physical state such as feeling more
4 agitated, restless, or unable to think clearly.
5 Now Id like you to spend another three minutes focusing on
6 everything in the last week that has gone well in your life and
7 anything that left you feeling positive, uplifted, or appreciative.
8 Recall both major events such as work promotions, positive feed-
9 back, or expressions of gratitude from others, and minor events
1011 such as someone smiling at you, apparent lucky breaks, or the
1 kindness of strangers.
2 After three minutes, re-rate your mood. What do you notice? If
3 you could get into the memories of the last week, you probably
4 found that focusing on all the positive things has enhanced your
5 mood. You might also find that there have been some changes to
6 your physical state and that you now feel more relaxed, energized,
7 or inspired.
8 This experiment illustrates something vital to effective self-
9 coaching: that what we focus on has a big impact on our mood
2011 and physical state and that gratitude provides an empowering
1 lens through which to view your world.
2
3
4 Increasing your capacity for gratitude
5
6 To some extent, appreciation of all that we have is a choice. We
7 can choose to allow our minds to indulge in futile comparisons
8 with others, to let it meander through our troubles and become
9 preoccupied with our short-comings, or we can choose to guide it
30 towards a more fruitful outlook in which gifts overlooked might
1 be reclaimed. Just like optimism, gratitude is not solely an
2 emotion, but a state of mind, a perspective we can cultivate. So
311 how can we achieve this?
4 Professor Bernard Weiner has developed a formula for increas-
5 ing the gratitude we experience in our lives. His three-stage
6 approach is as described below.
711
8 1. Identify something in the last week that went well and which
911 you felt was not entirely of your own doing.
40
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111 2. Think about who or what came together in order for this
2 positive event to occur.
3 3. Allow yourself to connect with the feeling of gratitude: where
4 do you experience it in the body? What kinds of emotions do
5 you experience? What happens to your level of hope, opti-
6 mism and faith in your ability to fulfil your ambitions?
7
8 Here are Megs responses when she first started using this
9 approach.
1011
1 1. Event: I got to see my daughters school play. She had really
2 wanted me to be there and would have been so disappointed
3 if I hadnt been able to go.
4 2. Sandra (colleague) offered to swap shifts, so I could get to the
5 school on time.
6 3. Felt great: relaxed and calm but also excited and able to enjoy
7 the play. I felt really proud of Gemma (daughter) she looked
8 so grown up and confident! Sandra is a great pal I must say
9 thank you to her when I see her tomorrow.
2011
Now do the same, taking an event from your own life:
1
2 1. Identify something in the last week that went well and which
3 you felt was not entirely of your own doing and make a note
4 of it in your learning log.
5 2. Think about who or what came together in order for this
6 positive event to occur, and write this in your learning log.
7 3. Allow yourself to connect with the feeling of gratitude: where
8 do you experience it in the body? What kinds of emotions do
9 you experience? What happens to your level of hope, opti-
30 mism and faith in your ability to fulfil your ambitions? Write
1 down your answers in your learning log.
2
311 Once you have some practice at using this formula with positive
4 events, see if you can build your ability for appreciation even
5 further by selecting something that seemed to go wrong, or was
6 difficult or upsetting in some way. Can you find something for
711 which to be grateful even in that?
8 Remember, this is not about nave optimism, but about open-
9 ing yourself up to elements of the situation that you might have
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111 overlooked. This will feel like a stretch to begin with, but will get
2 easier with practice, so dont give up! (Re-read the optimism chap-
3 ter if you need some help with this.)
4
5
6 Helpful hint. When doing this exercise watch out for any
7 tendency to see yourself as a passive victim, any sense of enti-
8 tlement, or beliefs that you are justified in feeling angry or upset.
Your reactions may be justified, but continuing to focus on all
9
the ways in which you were wronged can keep you stuck in a
1011 mental rut that limits your options rather than increases them.
1
2
3 The life review
4
5 An additional way of expanding your capacity for appreciation is to
6 look back over your life so far, dividing it into specific sections: 05,
7 510, 1015, 1520, 2530, etc. Write these sections in your
8 learning log, leaving space to write things of significance for each
9 period. Then, as you think about each chunk of your life, make a
2011 list of anyone whom you feel made a positive difference to your life,
1 even if on a very subtle level. Remember to include any times that
2 felt particularly difficult, and who was there to sustain or support
3 you, whether family, friends, professionals, or even the kindness of
4 strangers. Also notice any events or situations that seemed to
5 conspire to create good outcomes for you. Record these, also.
6 You may have noticed how, as you got under way with this task,
7 your list expanded to include more and more people, situations,
8 and experiences. Notice what and whom you have included on
9 your list. Is there anyone to whom you owe a debt of gratitude that
30 you have never acknowledged? Could you find a way to say thank
1 you now in person, by letter, or even symbolically if you are no
2 longer in contact?
311
4
5 Keep a gratitude journal
6
711 Another very powerful way of building an attitude of appreciation
8 is to keep a gratitude journal. In a study designed to investigate the
911 benefits of gratitude, researchers Robert Emmons and Cheryl
40
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111 Crumpler found that those who kept gratitude diaries on a regu-
2 lar basis experienced a number of important positive effects,
3 including greater optimism, enhanced satisfaction with life, and
4 fewer physical symptoms. They also exercised more regularly than
5 those participants who kept a diary of neutral or unpleasant events.
6 Start this in your learning log, or use a separate notebook if you
7 prefer. You want to put aside some time each day to record those
8 things for which you are grateful and which have added to your
9 appreciation for life. This should include not just major events, but
1011 also everyday activities and tasks, such as the opportunity to eat,
1 go to work, your health, being able to pay the bills, and so on. It
2 is also important to include encounters with others and apparent
3 coincidences that result in positive outcomes.
4
5 Helpful hint. If this feels strange to begin with, try choosing
6 something in the personal domain (e.g., chance to eat), the
7 interpersonal domain (something someone did for me, some-
8 thing I did for someone else, which teaches you about the qual-
9 ities of giving), a personal success/attribute, and something
2011 society/government did for me (having the opportunity to live
in a democracy).
1
2
3 Commit yourself to doing these exercises and you will start to
4 see the difference in a few days.
5 Just as you are sustained by others, so others are supported by
6 you. You will be a source of gratitude for others and make an
7 important contribution to their successes in many different ways.
8 So, develop an appreciation of the myriad ways in which you have
9 touched peoples lives and the world around you. In the meantime,
30 if you need some tools to get you started, try my coaching tool kit
1 below.
2
311
4 Take home message
5
6 In cultivating appreciation, the aim is both to increase your aware-
711 ness of the possibilities for your life and to allow more room for
8 joy. Both are essential components of effective self-coaching. How-
9 ever, this doesnt mean that gratitude is easy to acquire. Indeed, to
40
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111 Your Coaching Tool Kit: Top Tips for Enhancing Your
2 Appreciation of Life
3
4 1. Make the decision to be thankful for each and every day
from now on, whatever it brings. Remember, this day will
5 never come again.
6 2. Identify at least 10 people who enrich and make your life
7 easier (it doesnt necessarily have to be people whom you
8 know personally). And then identify 10 more . . .
9 3. Look for the miracle in the mundane. Get into the habit of
1011 identifying one thing to be thankful for at the beginning and
1 end of every day.
4. Think of everything you have accomplished so far big
2
and small. Identify people, situations, events that conspired to
3 help you achieve these things. Can you allow yourself to feel
4 gratitude for their role in your successes?
5 5. Take one area of your life and see it through fresh eyes,
6 with a sense of wonder. For example, think about everyone
7 who has contributed to your being able to make something as
8 mundane as a cup of tea. Imagine the sunshine warming the
9 tea leaves, the tea-growers working in the baking sun, those
who package the tea and send it abroad, etc. Notice how easy
2011
it is to take all this for granted.
1
2
3 experience gratitude repeatedly requires considerable, sustained
4 effort. We might appreciate the principle, but when life takes over,
5 it is easy to lose sight of everything we have to be grateful for.
6 You might be tempted to ask what would have happened if Meg
7 had discovered that she was seriously ill. After all, its easy to feel
8 grateful when weve just had good news. But, as youve discovered,
9 gratitude is not something to which we should confine ourselves
30 when the news is good. It is what Christopher Peterson and Martin
1 Seligman have described as an interior attitude of thankfulness for
2 whatever life throws your way.
311 I have always found it useful to see gratitude as being like a
4 muscle in the body. With practice and training, my muscles will
5 get stronger and better defined. But if I stop exercising, I will lose
6 muscle tone and start to look flabby. Your gratitude muscle is
711 always present and waiting to be used, but you must keep exercis-
8 ing it until eventually, you can experience gratitude even for those
911 challenging events that would have once thrown you off course.
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111 And you will always need a maintenance programme if you want
2 this character strength to be in top condition.
3 So heres what I recommend. When you get out of bed tomor-
4 row morning, before you start dwelling on what lies ahead, take a
5 moment to say thank you. It doesnt matter if you know to whom
6 you are saying thank you or not. As Meister Eckhart says, if the
7 only prayer you say in your whole life is thank you, that will be
8 enough.
9
1011 The Gift of Gratitude
1
2 One idea I shall take away from this chapter is . . . (write your
response in your learning log).
3 One thing I shall do differently/more gratefully is . . . (write
4 your response in your learning log).
5
6
7 Bibliography
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9 Emmons, R. A., & Crumpler, C. A. (2000). Gratitude as a human
2011 strength: appraising the evidence. Journal of Social and Clinical
1 Psychology, 19: 5669.
2 Maslow, A. (1987). Motivation and Personality (3rd edn). New York:
Harper and Row.
3
Weiner, B. (1985). An attributional theory of achievement motivation
4
and emotion. Psychological Review, 92: 548573.
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111 strive and a time to rest, a time to push forward and a time to
2 accept what is, a time to work on refining yourself and a time to
3 lose yourself in something bigger. All effective coaching involves a
4 willingness to know when it is time to work on change and when
5 it is time for graceful acceptance. Each complements the other and
6 is vital to the timing and pacing of the methods you use.
7 Without this balance, there is a danger that your attempts to
8 excel could amplify your dissatisfaction. When we cherish ourselves
9 too much, when we pursue our goals with a fervour that borders on
1011 the unrelenting, we are at risk of becoming unhealthily self-
1 absorbed. We lose sight of our Mission, our ambitions become
2 rooted in pride, and our successes are hollow with materialism. We
3 can even become lost in an endless search for self-improvement that
4 turns personal development itself into an addictive pursuit.
5 Compassion helps us bridge the tension between acceptance
6 and change. Unlike passive forms of acceptance, which breed resig-
7 nation and cynicism, compassion embraces an active form of
8 acceptance through which an expanded self can be awakened.
9 Unlike optimism, compassion is not so much concerned with
2011 altering your mindset as it is opening yourself up to, and immers-
1 ing yourself in, the ever-changing world around you. Compassion
2 is an attitude that is anchored in the heart rather than the mind.
3
4
5 Awaken the power of the heart
6 Professor Eric Cassell, expert in Public Health, observed that com-
7 passion goes straight to the heart of what it means to be human.
8 It speaks to that which is best in us, that part of ourselves which,
9 for all the confusion and chaos in the world, never quite loses faith
30 in humanity.
1 We all have the capacity for compassion; it is anchored in our
2 hearts from very early on in life. Paul Gilbert, Professor of Clinical
311 Psychology, even suggests that the ability to experience compassion
4 is essential to our survival. As social animals, we live in and
5 through our relationships, and at some point it is inevitable that
6 we will experience disagreement and friction with those we love.
711 The capacity to understand and forgive is essential for reconcilia-
8 tion, allowing us to rebuild and maintain the bonds that give our
911 lives meaning.
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111 As with all the other principles we have explored so far, there is
2 good evidence that compassion will have a strong, positive effect
3 on your life. Not only is it associated with high levels of emotional
4 and psychological well-being but it also enables us to manage
5 distress more easily. The practice of self-orientated compassion
6 (that is, offering compassion towards ourselves) is excellent for our
7 physical and mental health, with benefits including lowered blood
8 pressure, reduced muscle tension, and improvements in sleep,
9 anxiety, panic and depression.
1011
1
Exercise 15. Experience the gift of compassion
2
3 We have all been touched by compassion at some point in our lives
4 whether it comes from someone who loved us deeply or the
5 kindness of a stranger, somewhere, at some point, you will have
6 been the recipient of a kind or thoughtful act. Think back to a
7 time when someone showed compassion towards you. What did
8 they do? How did they make you feel? Write down your memories
9 of what happened in your learning log.
2011 It is likely that in that moment you felt cared for, supported,
1 nurtured, and empowered, even in the smallest of ways. Some part
2 of life became that bit more bearable once again.
3 Now think of a time when you showed compassion to another.
4 What did you do? For whom? How did you show that you cared?
5 How did it feel to respond to them in this way? Again, write your
6 recollections in your learning log.
7 Chances are, you not only made the other person feel better,
8 you made yourself feel good, too you found a way to reach out
9 to another when they were experiencing doubt, fear, confusion, or
30 pain. In that moment, the barriers between you and the other
1 person began to dissolve as you found you could resonate with that
2 person in a deeper way.
311 When we are compassionate, we step beyond the confines of
4 our small, insular world to appreciate the world as seen and expe-
5 rienced through the eyes of another. For a moment, we set aside
6 our own concerns to be moved by anothers story. Temporarily, all
711 criticism and judgement cease. Compassion requires a particular
8 kind of open-heartedness one that nudges you gently towards
9 expanding the narrow lens through which you view the world.
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111 the shadow of guilt and failure, which dominated every area of his
2 life. For him, life was a series of tick boxes. As he put it, I either
3 get the ticks in the boxes, or Ive failed. Not surprisingly, Daniel
4 spent most of his life exhausted, depressed, and anxious. Even his
5 successes brought little joy, as he would dismiss them as luck or
6 attribute them to the expertise of others.
7 Although Daniel learnt how to develop a more optimistic
8 perspective through challenging his thoughts (as you learned to do
9 in Principle No. 5), he needed a change of attitude that engaged
1011 his emotions as well as his intellect. I suggested that instead of
1 focusing on all the ways in which his personal standards were
2 unhelpful and unreasonable, we should help him develop an
3 approach to self-enhancement that was more nurturing, support-
4 ive, and compassionate.
5 Not surprisingly, Daniel was sceptical. For him, the whole idea
6 of compassion smacked of weakness a benign but ineffectual
7 attempt at introducing a religious dimension to his coaching that
8 he believed had nothing to offer him. As he put it, How will
9 patting myself on the back and saying there, there make a differ-
2011 ence?
1 Like many self-orientated people, Daniel had no difficulty offer-
2 ing compassion to others; indeed, he was regarded by his
3 colleagues and friends as a warm, generous, and empowering
4 person. But the idea of developing a more compassionate attitude
5 towards himself felt indulgent, if not immoral.
6 In his mind, Daniel had confused compassion with pity. Pity is
7 implicitly patronising we might feel sorry for the person but are
8 not truly touched by their experience. It took Daniel some time
9 before he could understand that compassion is about strength
30 rather than weakness, empowerment rather than helplessness, and
1 resilience rather than resignation. So before you find out what
2 happened to Daniel, here are some important points you need to
311 know about what compassion is not.
4
5 It is not about pity.
6 It is not something you have to work hard to deserve.
711 It is not being a soft touch (icons of compassion such as
8 Gandhi and Mother Teresa display enormous strength, deter-
9 mination, and courage).
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111 It is not about making excuses for what you did and didnt do.
2 It is not letting yourself off the hook from taking responsibil-
3 ity for your actions.
4 It is not letting others off the hook from taking responsibility
5 for their actions.
6 It is not about seeing the world through rose tinted spectacles.
7 It is not about saying its OK to someone who treated you
8 badly and letting them do it again (unfettered compassion is
9 subservience stemming from a lack of self-respect).
1011
1 Self-orientated compassion helps us understand our lives more
2 clearly. Whereas harsh judgement impairs rational problem-solv-
3 ing, decision-making, and life planning, compassion allows us to
4 examine our circumstances and choices in a way that accepts our
5 human failings and encourages us to take responsibility for chang-
6 ing them. We can self-soothe when lifes journey becomes tough
7 without slipping into a swamp of self-pity. We can honour and
8 validate our experiences without being blinded by them. When
9 you look at things without harsh judgement, you can begin to
2011 decide what is skilful and helpful and what is unwise and unhelp-
1 ful a capacity that psychologist and Buddhist teacher Jack
2 Kornfield refers to as discriminating wisdom.
3
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5 Compassionate qualities: lessons from the East
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7 Although compassion has only recently come to the attention of
8 Western science (including human sciences such as psychology), its
9 power to heal and transform our lives has long been recognized in
30 Eastern traditions, which provide fascinating insights into how to
1 develop and use this quality to enrich our lives and achieve our
2 potential.
311 In Eastern philosophies and religions such as Buddhism, com-
4 passion towards self as well as others is taught as a powerful means
5 of liberating and healing ourselves. Compassion or metta (which
6 means loving kindness) enables us to unhook from what we crave
711 and fear, and from the attitudes and actions that prevent us from
8 fulfilling our potential.
911 The concept of metta, or loving kindness, is often a difficult one
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111 to grasp. In Western culture, the concept of love has become some-
2 what problematic. We often use the term to refer to states of desire
3 and use the word love to depict a whole range of feelings about
4 objects of people Im in love with you; I love chocolate ice-
5 cream, and I love Friday nights are just three examples of how we
6 use the idea of love to refer to a type of yearning that, when unsat-
7 isfied, leads to dissatisfaction or suffering.
8 But loving kindness is of a completely different order. The qual-
9 ity you are aiming for derives from two words meaning gentle and
1011 friend. It involves an openness to the experience of self and others
1 in an accepting and non-judgemental way while also evoking a
2 desire to relieve suffering.
3 Psychologist Paul Gilbert provides a helpful description of the
4 elements of compassion. Do they fit with your experience of giving
5 and receiving compassion? The different components are:
6
7 sympathy;
8 sensitivity to the distress of self/others;
9 ability to tolerate the distress of self/others;
2011 empathy;
1 care for the well-being of self/others;
2 non-judgementalism.
3
4 When Daniel learned about the qualities that made up compas-
5 sion, he began to realize the extent of his harsh treatment of
6 himself, and the cost involved. Daniel was stuck in what I call the
7 guilt trap: he would set personal standards that were sky high,
8 focus on all the difficulties he encountered and fail to notice how
9 well he was doing. He saw these difficulties as a sign of failure
30 which led him to feel guilty and ashamed for being such a lousy
1 employee, husband, father, friend . . . the list was endless. He was
2 stuck in a judgemental cycle of blaming and shaming in which he
311 offered himself neither sympathy nor empathy, was insensitive and
4 intolerant of his own struggles and did not feel entitled to care for
5 and support himself when feeling low. Learning to develop a com-
6 passionate mind was, I told him, a powerful way to break the cycle.
711 For good. Once he understood this, Daniel was truly ready to start
8 learning the compassionate abilities he would need to get the most
9 out of coaching and life.
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111 Find yourself a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. To
2 begin with, you need to allow 15 minutes of total privacy (as you
3 become more experienced, you may want to extend this). If you
4 can, create a pleasant surrounding for yourself; clear away any
5 clutter and open a window if you would like some fresh air.
6 Make yourself comfortable. You can either sit on the floor or in
7 a chair, but wherever you choose, make sure that your back is
8 straight and that you can breathe easily. Your eyes can be open or
9 closed; if they are open, allow your gaze to soften, rather than stare.
1011 Take a few slow even breaths and, as best you can, put aside any
1 responsibilities, worries, or anything else tugging at your awareness.
2 Now I would like you to recall a time in your life when some-
3 one showed you loving kindness that touched your life in an
4 important way. It may be a family member, a friend or colleague,
5 a neighbour, or even a stranger. It can be an act of extraordinary
6 generosity or an act of simple kindness that made a difference to
7 your life at that moment. Elaborate this memory as best you can,
8 including your recollection of where you were, what was going on
9 around you, and the nature of your needs. Make the image clearer
2011 and clearer in your mind.
1 Notice how the kind act of the other generates a feeling within
2 you a feeling of gratitude perhaps, or humility, care, or concern.
3 Allow yourself to reconnect with the feelings that their loving
4 kindness generated within you. Let that feeling arise again now,
5 stronger and stronger. Notice how, as these positive feelings arise,
6 you can extend your own loving kindness towards that person
7 in return. Immerse yourself fully in this feeling. Notice the quali-
8 ties of sympathy, sensitivity, empathy, caring, and non-judgement
9 arise within you and how the barriers between you and the
30 other person momentarily melt as you too feel loving kindness for
1 them.
2 Now, without forcing the feeling, see if you can turn that energy
311 of loving kindness towards yourself. Allow the feeling to turn
4 inwards. If it helps, think of a time when you were struggling in
5 some way big or small, a time when you needed compassion.
6 Can you direct that feeling of loving kindness towards yourself as
711 best you can? Where do you feel it in your body? What emotions
8 do you notice? What quality of mind is present? Allow yourself to
9 connect with the qualities of compassion: sympathy, sensitivity to
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111 your own distress without being overwhelmed by it, empathy for
2 your self, kindly concern, and non-judgementalism.
3 When you have felt some degree of compassion for yourself
4 even if it is only in a small way to begin with, allow yourself to
5 open your eyes and come back to the room.
6 Write down your observations from this exercise in your learn-
7 ing log. What was easy and difficult? Can you imagine how devel-
8 oping this ability for self-orientated compassion will empower you
9 to achieve your goals?
1011 When you have had some practice at this exercise and sense that
1 your compassionate qualities are beginning to grow, let your heart
2 open more as you allow an image of someone else you care about
3 to come to mind. Visualise them as clearly as you can and then
4 extend this feeling of compassion out to them. Then turn your
5 attention to someone else you care about, each time evoking the
6 same feeling of loving-kindness. Gradually, extend this feeling of
7 compassion to encompass your family, your friends, your col-
8 leagues, your community and ultimately, all living beings.
9 Generally, its a good idea to start with those you find it easy to
2011 be compassionate towards and gradually build up to more chal-
1 lenging relationships perhaps people with whom you are in
2 conflict or who have upset you. Dont worry if directing compas-
3 sion towards yourself feels strange to begin with; after all, youve
4 probably never done it before! The more you practise, the easier it
5 will become and the more liberated you will feel.
6
7
8 Daniels progress on the road to inspired living
9 Early on, Daniel struggled with the idea that compassion could
30 support him in transforming his life, as it didnt quite fit with his
1 goal-driven and results-focused approach to success. When he did
2 appreciate how it could be a powerful aid, he tried to acquire
311 compassion with the same driven mentality that he brought to
4 everything; it was simply another goal at which he would succeed
5 or fail. And he was very determined not to fail! Learning to soften
6 his heart, to let go of some of his fierce judgements, involved the
711 realization that he, too, was entitled to the full range of experiences
8 that come with being human joy and pain, hope and doubt,
911 disappointment and joy.
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111 *Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go, There You Are. Mindfulness
2 Meditation in Everyday Life. New York: Hyperion.
3 *Kornfield, J. (1993). A Path with Heart. New York: Rider.
4 *Kornfield, J. (2000). After the Ecstasy, the Laundry. New York: Bantam.
5 (This reference is also relevant for Chapter Twenty-three on self-esteem.)
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111 living. If you review your thoughts, ideas, and insights from the
2 previous chapters, what themes did you find? How do you need to
3 broaden your Attitude in order to move forward in the core areas
4 you identified in Chapter one and in your Mission Statement?
5
6
7 Construct your council of advisers
8
9 One of the best ways to build an optimum Attitude is to create a
1011 council of advisers. This is a light-hearted exercise with a serious
1 message. Equipped with your council of advisers, you are guaran-
2 teed to have a ready supply of new ideas, encouragement, and
3 inspiration whenever you need them.
4 In order to construct your council, think of ten people whom
5 you really admire and who might make up a group that exists
6 solely to support you. Ideally, members will include men and
7 women, people of different ages and backgrounds, those who have
8 achieved a variety of things with their life and who have made a
9 positive difference to the world in some way. You may want to
2011 include people who have displayed courage in overcoming the
1 odds and whose Mission was similar to yours. You might also
2 choose someone who has a character strength you would now like
3 to develop.
4 They can be real people (living or dead) or fictional (such as a
5 character in a movie or novel), famous people, or someone special
6 to you. You do not need to know them personally, you just need
7 to have a sense of the qualities that they embody and those qual-
8 ities need to be ones that inspire you. See if you can include in
9 your council someone who captures each of the four Attitudes we
30 have discussed in this section: optimism, curiosity, gratitude, and
1 compassion.
2 Whenever you need help or inspiration, you can call an emer-
311 gency meeting and the council will attend to offer you their
4 support, suggestions, and advice. Before you admit any new
5 member, however, make sure that their values are consistent with
6 your own (that is, they do not conflict with your authentic self and
711 what matters most to you).
8 To give you an example, my council currently includes the
911 following members:
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111 and nurturing (it can be a formal setting such as a board room, or
2 much less formal, such as sitting on a picnic blanket!). Visualise
3 each member of your council in turn, then share your dilemma,
4 problem, or question, and ask for their help. You may wish to
5 direct your question to a particular member of the group, or the
6 council as a whole. Stay as long as you need, until you have some
7 new ways of seeing things and new ideas to try out.
8 At the end of the meeting, thank your council members for
9 their advice and then say goodbye. Before you do anything else,
1011 write down any suggestions your council made. What ideas struck
1 you as useful? How could you implement these ideas? How will
2 you monitor their effects?
3 The more you work with your council the more effective it will
4 be. Experiment with it now. Think of something that you would
5 like to be different in your life it might be a problem you want
6 to solve, a decision you have to make, or an ambition that you are
7 unsure how to take forward. Imagine yourself in the presence of
8 the council and then ask your question . . .
9 Write down any useful, interesting or provocative ideas that
2011 emerged in your learning log.
1 You have now completed the second part of MAP and know
2 how to build Attitudes that will help you achieve your ambitions,
3 enhance your well-being, and enable you to feel more fulfilled. You
4 have also learnt a powerful way of expanding your outlook through
5 the method of council. If you have completed the exercises in the
6 previous chapters and are incorporating the ideas into your life on
7 a regular basis, you will be well on the way to mastering the art of
8 inspired living. In the next section, we will complete the journey
9 by exploring the Process component of MAP: those tools that are
30 essential for translating your Mission into action.
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111 your Mission; if the results are not producing what you had
2 expected, a more fundamental review might be required.
3 Having clear and achievable goals helps you:
4
5 decide if what you thought you wanted is something you
6 really do want;
7 plan the practicalities of achieving what really matters;
8 anticipate obstacles;
9 develop new knowledge and skills;
1011 monitor your progress;
1 identify missing life skills that might increase your chances of
2 success;
3 observe the effects on you and those around you;
4 keep motivated. (As you see yourself turn your dreams into
5 outcomes, your motivation and confidence increase.)
6
7 Lets look at how these principles apply to you.
8
9
Exercise 17. Creating inspirational goals
2011
1 What are your goals for the next five years? What do you want to
2 have accomplished? What do you want to be able to look back on
3 with pride?
4 Take a few moments to think about this now. Be as bold as you
5 wish, doing your best to put aside that part of your mind that
6 insists on censoring your great ideas and heartfelt hopes for the
7 future. Write down in your learning log what you would like to be,
8 own, have experienced and accomplished in the next five years, in
9 all of the different areas of your life (Hint: you may find it helpful
30 to look back over the core domains you rated in the Inspiration
1 Inventory in Chapter one).
2 Have a look at your goals. If you have allowed your imagination
311 free rein you will probably find that your list includes a wide range
4 of goals. Some might be concerned with experiences you would
5 like to have for the sheer fun of it (for example, going for a ride in
6 a hot-air balloon), while others seem related to enriching your life
711 (for example, visiting a foreign country that has always intrigued
8 you). Other goals might be concerned with sense of achievement:
911 for example, completing a course, gaining a degree, writing a book,
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111 or setting up your own business, while others still may relate to
2 material possessions, such as owning property or having a particu-
3 lar level of income.
4 You will also have noticed that some of your goals will require
5 more effort to achieve than others. A fun-related goal such as going
6 for a ride in a hot-air balloon will require relatively little in the way
7 of planning you find out who provides such opportunities, book
8 the event, and turn up on the day. Others, however, will involve
9 sustained effort. Completing a course is a good example of this
1011 type of goal: there is an end point in sight but there will be multi-
1 ple stages involved in achieving the goal, each of which will involve
2 time and effort in its own right. Other goals will require sustained
3 effort over a more prolonged period of time, such as establishing
4 and maintaining a successful business.
5
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7 Do your goals fit with your Mission?
8
9 In order that our lives continue to inspire us, it is helpful to have
2011 a wide variety of goals that stretch our imaginative and creative
1 potential, as well as our knowledge and skills. But when it comes
2 to the larger goals of life those that require a sustained commit-
3 ment on your part it is vital to keep asking yourself whether your
4 goals are consistent with your Mission.
5 Goals only have meaning within the broader context of your
6 Mission: your authenticity, personally defined sense of meaning,
7 signature strengths, and the courage to exercise your power of
8 choice. So, if you find that one of your goals doesnt fit your sense
9 of the bigger picture, then eliminate it; its not the one for you.
30
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2 The river bank analogy
311
4 Before we look at how to set goals, lets look at their role in your life.
5 A helpful way to think about goals is using the river bank analogy.
6 Imagine that you are on one side of a river and you want to get
711 across to the other side. On your side of the river, its cold and rain-
8 ing and you dont like being there. On the other side of the river,
9 the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the landscape is full
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111 of beautiful flowers, shrubs, and trees. The river bank opposite you
2 is exactly where you want to be, but the river is too wide for you
3 to jump across it.
4 However, when you look closer, you notice that embedded in
5 the river is a series of stepping stones. The stepping stones may not
6 seem that appealing at first. Youll have to scramble down the river
7 bank to get to the water and will need to be prepared to get your
8 feet wet. The stones are uneven and wet so you might even lose
9 your footing temporarily. But, despite these unappealing possibili-
1011 ties, the stepping stones get you to where you want to be. And its
1 the only way to get there.
2 In this analogy, the stepping stones are our goals not impor-
3 tant in themselves. For example, you would not stand on a step-
4 ping stone and throw a party because you had mistaken it for the
5 other side of the river! At best, they can only ever take you one step
6 closer to where you want to be. But that, in itself, is a triumph.
7 Every time you get your feet wet, every time you falter, you are
8 none the less moving closer to your chosen destination.
9
2011
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2 The three steps to inspirational goals
3 Goal-setting is, in many respects, the most exciting stage of creat-
4 ing an inspired life because it is the point at which you see all your
5
previous learning come together. But it is also a skill in its own
6
right. So, before you devise a strategy, its important to be aware of
7
some of the fundamentals of effective goal-setting.
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30 Step 1. Make them SMART
1
2 One of the most powerful goal-setting approaches for self-coach-
311 ing is the SMART formula. According to the SMART model,
4 goals need to be:
5
6 Specific (clear and concrete);
711 Measurable (so you know when youve got there);
8 Attractive (they have to be appealing, or why bother!)
911 Realistic (so you have every chance of succeeding);
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111 You have probably noticed that the content of Simons goals
2 analysis sheet was very different from Rebeccas. While Rebecca
3 knew exactly where she wished to be headed and why, Simon was
4 at an earlier stage in the process. His goals were guided by his
5 Mission, but he needed to have the freedom to explore a range of
6 options before committing himself to a life-changing strategy.
7 However, Simons goals were still very achievable. By making them
8 SMART, Simon could keep track of his progress and the results of
9 his early goals would put him in a stronger position to decide what
1011 he needed to do next.
1 For both Simon and Rebecca, knowing that they were moving
2 in the right direction kept them on target, enhanced their motiva-
3 tion by enabling them to see tangible results, and helped them
4 organize their actions around those goals that really mattered.
5 When you start to see results, you too will feel good about your-
6 self and your efforts to succeed. You can see more and more evi-
7 dence of your Mission operating in your life and your motivation
8 increases as you start to see new ways of enhancing your potential.
9 Use Exercise 19 to devise your own blueprint, based on your
2011 results on the Inspiration Inventory, and everything you now know
1 about yourself having completed Principles 18.
2
3 Exercise 19. Your personal blueprint for inspirational goals
4
Write in your learning log, In relation to this area of my life, my
5 Mission is . . ., and state what this is.
6 Then write What specific action steps can I now take?, and
7 brainstorm as many ideas as you can think of.
8 Now draw up your own goals analysis sheet, using the same
9 headings as shown in Rebeccas and Simons sheets.
30 Finally, go ahead and implement your action plan. Be sure to
1 record any observations in your learning log and think carefully
2 about how you will evaluate the outcome of your efforts. Also see
311 if you can anticipate any obstacles to implementing this goal.
4 What steps could you take to get around them?
5
6
711 Step 3. Do your goals inspire you?
8 This question is often one that many people forget to ask them-
911 selves before committing to a particular strategy. It does not matter
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111 how carefully you have planned your goal, if it doesnt really matter
2 to you, you will not achieve it. In my work, I see many people
3 waste time and energy on goals that they think they should want,
4 or should achieve, but which do not really inspire them. Exercise
5 20 contains some key questions that you need to ask yourself every
6 time you set a new goal, just to make sure its really worth the
7 effort. Copy the exercise into your learning log, and tick either the
8 Yes or the No column in respect of each question.
9
1011
Exercise 20. Do you really want to achieve this goal?
1
2
Yes No
3 1. Is this really my goal (or is it something
4 someone else thinks I should achieve)? ! !
5
6 2. Is this goal important to me? ! !
7 3. Does this goal excite, energise, or inspire me? ! !
8
4. Will I feel as if I have gained something
9
2011
when I have achieved it? ! !
1 5. Is this goal specific enough for me to know
2 what action I need to take and when? ! !
3 6. Am I more than 80% confident that I have
4 the ability to achieve it, even if its a stretch? ! !
5
7. Am I more than 80% confident that I have the
6
7
motivation to see this through? ! !
8 8. Is this goal moving me in the direction of the ! !
9 bigger picture I have for my life?
30 9. Is this goal consistent with my responsibilities in
1 life? ! !
2
311
4 If your answer to any of these questions is no, then think again. It
5 may be that you are trying to pursue a goal that is really some-
6 bodys elses priority. Or it may be that it is too much of a stretch
711 and you to need to break it down a bit further. Whatever the objec-
8 tion, take note of it and keep refining your goal until you have one
9 in which you are willing and able to invest.
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111 If your goals are worth something, if they really matter to you,
2 then pursuing them is not going to be a piece of cake. You select
3 your destination, choose the strategy to help you get there, and
4 learn to accept any discomfort that arises from your choice. In fact,
5 implementing goals that are in keeping with your higher vision
6 often involves feeling things you dont want to feel.
7 Jonathan was a good example of someone who had to manage
8 this type of internal struggle. As a long-standing church member,
9 he felt a strong calling to become ordained as a priest. He had
1011 experienced this calling for several years and felt that the urgency
1 to respond to it was becoming greater. There was only one prob-
2 lem; Jonathan had a fear of speaking in public. His throat would
3 go dry, his deep voice would become a mere squeak, and his legs
4 turned to jelly. There was nothing that Jonathan hated more than
5 public speaking. And yet, his Mission was calling him towards a
6 path that would put him into direct contact with the thing he
7 feared most.
8 I knew I could help Jonathan manage his fear of public speak-
9 ing more effectively, but I also knew that this would not turn
2011 public speaking into a joyful experience! If Jonathan decided to
1 follow his Mission, he would also have to choose experiencing
2 something he did not want to feel. This is true of all of us and is,
3 in fact, a key to success. When you select your goals, dont sell
4 yourself short by settling for those that you think are within easy
5 reach. Choose those goals that are true to who you are and your
6 vision of what you want to achieve. The best goals are not those
7 that eliminate uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, but those that
8 are sufficiently meaningful for you to embrace the discomfort
9 involved in their pursuit.
30
1
2 Take home message
311
4 Goals are so central to implementing any life plan that I have
5 devoted a whole chapter to them. But, as we have seen, they are
6 only a means to an end. Their value comes from their relationship
711 to your Mission and the Attitudes that guide your vision of your
8 life. While you want to be committed to action, it is also impor-
9 tant to treat your goals lightly. I work with many clients who, in
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111 that at best, we use only a fraction of our mental abilities. What an
2 extraordinary gift!
3 But with this gift comes responsibility and if you are to use it
4 to best advantage you need to take responsibility for exercising,
5 training, and guiding it in the right direction. In order to do this
6 effectively, there are one or two things you need to know about
7 how your mind operates.
8
9
1011 Wielding the power of the mind
1 Have you ever noticed how your mind tends to leap from one
2 subject to the next? Without any effort on your part, it pulls you
3 into thinking about one thing and leads you to forget another. It
4 makes up stories about everything you experience. It also seems to
5 have an agenda all of its own that makes it virtually impossible
6 to control and if you doubt me on this just ask yourself whether
7 you can predict what you will be thinking five minutes from
8 now. The answer, I would imagine, is no. Left to its own devices
9 the mind can and frequently does meander through all sorts
2011 of possibilities, some of which are more helpful to us than others.
1
2
3 Exercise 21. Noticing the activity of the mind
4 Spend a few minutes now observing how your mind wanders. Find
5 yourself a comfortable place and then close your eyes. Allow your-
6 self to bring your attention to your breathing and, without trying
7 to force or control your attention, see how long you remain
8 focused on your breathing before your mind begins to start chat-
9 tering. As you become aware that your attention has wandered,
30 make a note of where it has wandered to: what thoughts, beliefs or
1 stories is it telling you in that moment? Then gently bring your
2 awareness back to the breath. Allow your attention to remain
311 gently focused on your breathing until you become aware that your
4 mind has wandered again. Each time, bring your mind back gently
5 to your breathing.
6 Spend five minutes or so staying with the breath, and noticing
711 how the mind will start to wander even though your intention is
8 to stay focused on your breathing. Then record any observations
911 or reactions in your learning log.
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111 If you are like most people, you probably found it difficult to
2 keep your mind focused on your breathing. It was as though your
3 mind had an agenda all of its own. Notice, too, the thoughts you
4 were having. Your mind might have tried to convince you that the
5 exercise was a waste of time, or reminded you of all the important
6 things that you should be doing instead. Or it might have
7 produced critical thoughts about how badly you were doing for
8 being unable to keep focused on something as simple as the breath.
9 Whatever happened for you, the point of the exercise was to
1011 notice how the mind is constantly caught up in a stream of think-
1 ing, judging, evaluating, and story-telling. And this is entirely
2 normal. The mind wanders because this is its nature. To try to stop
3 it from wandering, to try to force it into a state of stillness is like
4 trying to stop a lion from hunting prey. It cannot: it is just what
5 it does.
6 Perhaps it is a good thing we cannot control our thoughts. After
7 all, our minds can wander to some very interesting places. If we
8 had total control over our minds, we would never be able to come
9 up with any original ideas. A good friend of mine once told me
2011 that he has his best ideas when he is running; when he lets go of
1 trying to come up with solutions and novel ideas, the mind serves
2 them up for him.
3 However, the mind doesnt always produce pleasant or produc-
4 tive ideas. Sometimes it wanders on to difficult terrain, conjuring
5 up painful memories, hurtful experiences, or telling us destructive
6 stories about who we are and how we should live.
7 So, your most powerful tool can be either your greatest ally, or
8 your deadliest enemy. If you are to turn your mind into your great-
9 est ally, you need to know how to provide it with direction. Try
30 seeing it as your young prodigy your prodigy may have an unlim-
1 ited supply of creative potential, but a responsible adult needs to
2 set some limits to make sure that things dont get out of hand.
311 Similarly, you cannot control your mind (there is good evidence
4 that trying to control our thoughts can actually create a lot of
5 suffering if you have ever tried not to think about something
6 painful youll notice how impossible this becomes, and how the
711 very act of trying not to think about something can get your mind
8 tied up in knots). But you can cultivate the mind in ways that are
9 likely to increase your chances of inspired living: you can be the
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111 responsible adult guiding your prodigy in ways that are likely to be
2 beneficial to you and others.
3 The purpose of this chapter is to help you take responsibility for
4 your mind and offer it a direction so that it becomes your greatest
5 ally.
6
7
8 Craigs story
9
Craig is a great example of someone who learnt how to harness the
1011
power of his mind. When we first met, he had lost all sense of
1
direction. He had tried different careers, undergone different
2
courses and trainings, but had never stuck at anything. By the time
3
he met me, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life, he
4
just knew he wasnt happy.
5
Not surprisingly, his confidence was at an all-time low. Having
6
always doubted whether he was good enough, Craig was now
7
more convinced than ever that he was not up to much and his lack
8
of confidence was preventing him from thinking creatively about
9
the kind of life he might want to lead.
2011 But, over the course of our work together, Craig turned his life
1 around for the first time he knew exactly what he wanted. He was
2 embarking on a new career as a personal trainer, which involved
3 having the discipline to study, changing his diet and lifestyle, and
4 putting himself through repeated physical and mental assessments.
5 And he loved it.
6 At our last meeting, I asked him what had made the difference.
7 If he was going to identify one thing in our work together that had
8 had a transformational impact, what would it be? He grinned. It
9 was when you suggested I eliminated the words What if? from
30 my vocabulary, he said.
1
2
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The power of toxic thinking
4
5 When I first met Craig, he had been seduced by the power of what
6 I call toxic thinking. Toxic thinking is the psychological equiva-
711 lent of taking slow-acting poison: you may not notice its effects at
8 first, but it undermines your bodys defences and eventually you
911 start to notice obvious signs of illness.
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111 Below are some more examples of toxic thinking. Copy them
2 into your learning log, tick any that apply to you, and make a note
3 of the situations in which you tend to get trapped by them.
4
5
Exercise 22. Examples of toxic questions and statements
6
7
8 Toxic question/statement True of me? Situation in which
9 it occurs
1011 Why has this happened to me?
1
2 Why cant I . . .?
3
4 What if I fail?
5 If only . . .
6
7 I cant . . .
8
9 Ill try . . .
2011
I really should/shouldnt . . .
1
2 I cant help it if . . .
3
4
5
6
7 Notice how, on the surface, these questions and statements may
8 seem perfectly innocent. You probably say them to yourself at least
9 some of the time. You may even believe that they serve a purpose,
30 such as protecting you against disappointment or helping prepare
1 you for the worst. But dont fall into the trap! Like a drip-feed of
2 slow-acting poison, they eventually start to wear you down and
311 you pay a high price in terms of your happiness and well-being.
4
5
6 The tell-tale signs of toxic thinking
711
8 From what weve seen so far, you can see that toxic thinking tends
9 to have the following qualities.
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111 Your Coaching Tool Kit: Top Tips for Thinking Right
2
3 1. Pay attention to your thoughts: if they undermine you, root
4 them out.
2. Do not take your assumptions at face value. Just because
5 they feel true doesnt make them true (after all, thousands of
6 children believe in Father Christmas . . .).
7 3. Whenever you find yourself asking a toxic question,
8 reframe it within an inspired thinking style, using a how, what,
9 when, who, or where question.
1011 4. Use your optimism skills to undermine any toxic
1 pessimism.
5. Practise cultivating these qualities of mind every day.
2
3
4
5 Empower Your Mind with the Right Questions
6 One thing I will take away from this chapter is . . . (write the
7 answer in your learning log).
8 One thing I will do differently as a result of this chapter is . . .
9 (write the answer in your learning log).
2011
1
2 Bibliography
3 Brown, J., & Isaacs, D. (2005). The World Caf: Shaping Our Futures
4 Through Conversations that Matter. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-
5 Koehler.
6 *De Bono, E. (1994). Parallel Thinking: From Socratic to de Bono
7 Thinking. London: Penguin.
8 *De Bono, E. (2003). De Bonos Thinking Course. London: BBC.
9 Gambrill, E. (2005). Critical Thinking in Clinical Practice (2nd edn).
30 Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.
1 *Greenberger, D., & Padesky, C. A. (1995). Mind Over Mood. Change
How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think. New York: Guilford.
2
*Leahy, R. L. (2005). The Worry Cure. Stop Worrying and Start Living.
311
New York: Harmony.
4 Wheatley, M. J. (1999). Leadership and the New Science: Discovering
5 Order in a Chaotic World. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler.
6
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111 If you are like most people, you probably radically underesti-
2 mate your natural creative ability. So, before continuing with this
3 chapter, complete Exercise 24.
4
5
6 Exercise 24. Are you a creative person?
7 Take a moment to think about your own creativity and then use
8 the following questions to guide you.
9
1011 How does your creativity express itself in your life?
1 In what areas are you most and least creative?
2 Do you see yourself as a creative person?
3 If so, why? What is it that you observe yourself thinking,
4 feeling or doing, that leads you to label yourself as creative?
5 If not, why not? What do you notice yourself thinking,
6 feeling or doing that leads you to judge yourself as non-
7 creative?
8
9 Write the answers in your learning log.
2011
1
2 The gift of creativity
3
4 Creativity is prized throughout the world, and for good reason.
5 When allowed to flourish, it has profound implications for our
6 work, our lives, our relationships, and our communities. On
7 a personal level, the ability to think and act in creative ways
8 adds dimension, richness, and vitality to our lives. Author Julia
9 Cameron has even suggested that the opportunity to express our
30 creativity is vital to sustaining a sense of personal meaning.
1 Industries and organizations are increasingly aware of the power
2 that creativity has, both in terms of how opportunities for its
311 expression can enhance job satisfaction and as a means of gaining
4 a competitive edge in the marketplace. In the commercial world,
5 where organizations must continually reinvent themselves, their
6 image, and their products in order to survive, considerable amounts
711 of money are spent on enhancing the creative potential of the
8 workforce. Creativity pays dividends and, as one of the highest of
911 all human functions, is central to artistic expression, scientific
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111 even more essential. For example, if you want to be a Nobel Prize
2 winning physicist, having a natural inclination for the subject
3 (however exceptional) will not be enough. You will need to spend
4 many years refining your knowledge of the discipline, studying the
5 efforts of others gone before you, and expanding your repertoire of
6 technical skill before you can even begin to think about making an
7 original contribution let alone one that is of the Nobel Prize
8 winning standard.
9 Sometime ago, I was listening to a radio programme about the
1011 great composer Ludwig van Beethoven. As a young student, Beet-
1 hoven was mentored by another distinguished musician, Joseph
2 Haydn. The programme quoted a letter that Haydn had written to
3 one of his contemporaries, extolling the talent of the young Beet-
4 hoven and predicting his brilliant future. However, in his letter, he
5 described how he was going to help his prodigy to rewrite his
6 Octet in E Flat, so that the young Beethoven could reshape it into
7 a better and more elegant composition. This letter sums up some-
8 thing important about Big C creativity; the genius was present, but
9 it existed as raw material. Beethoven needed to work hard to hone
2011 his ability and perfect his craft. And he needed experienced teach-
1 ers to guide him. Without commitment, hard work, and discipline
2 Beethovens talent would have remained latent potential.
3 How much raw material do you have that is currently lying
4 dormant? What hidden talents are you currently ignoring, or have
5 assumed you dont possess, simply because they have not been
6 given sufficient time and opportunity to manifest? Is it possible
7 that you have Big C potential that you have overlooked? If you
8 approached your creative potential using the thinking skills you
9 learnt in Principle No. 10, would you view your creativity any
30 differently? Write any reactions to these ideas in your learning log.
1 Are there any ways in which you could now start to express your
2 Big C potential?
311 A final, but equally important, fact is that many people with Big
4 C gifts have to struggle with major setbacks and live with tremen-
5 dous uncertainty about whether they will succeed in their chosen
6 field. And even when it does come, success is often the outcome of
711 a long and arduous journey. Thomas Edison failed hundreds of
8 times in his attempts to make a light bulb and Albert Einstein was
9 a poor student who failed his maths exams.
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111 imaginary friend in whom you confided when you needed comfort
2 or support? Or pretend that towels or rugs were magic carpets that
3 could transport you to faraway places? As an adult, have you ever
4 day-dreamed? Made something? Come up with a solution to get
5 you out of a tight spot? If you answered yes to any of the above,
6 then you are a creative person.
7 Use the questions in Exercise 26 to start developing a profile of
8 your unique brand of creativity, taking account of your Big C and
9 small c abilities. Write down your answers in your learning log so
1011 that you can review and add to them as you continue with your
1 coaching journey.
2
3
Exercise 26. Developing a profile of your creativity
4
5 Think of a time in your life when you were creative in some way.
6 This could be a major project, such as setting up your own busi-
7 ness or completing a thesis. Or it could be something simple such
8 as a time when you planned a special meal or invented a bedtime
9 story to soothe a young child to sleep. Be as specific as you can.
2011 Write down a brief description of what you did. Then answer the
1 following questions.
2
3 What were the qualities (of thinking and action) you drew
4 upon in order to be creative?
5 What skills were you using?
6 How did you feel? What sorts of emotions and sensations
7 were you experiencing?
8 What sort of mind-set did you have (inspired or survival
9 thinking)? What were the thoughts and ideas relevant to how
30 you approached that task?
1
2 Now think about a time when your creativity felt blocked or
311 stifled in some way. Perhaps the great idea eluded you, or things
4 werent working out in the way you had hoped. Be as specific as
5 you can. Again, write down a brief description of what you did and
6 then answer the following questions.
711
8 What were the qualities (of thinking and action) you drew
911 upon in an attempt to be creative?
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111 If this is true for you, then you have discovered something impor-
2 tant about the quality of thinking that is needed for creative self-
3 expression. We are far more likely to achieve our creative potential
4 if we free ourselves from the constraints of logic and sensible think-
5 ing and are willing to look beyond the familiar, even if it is just for
6 a moment. Perhaps one of the best examples of this was Einstein,
7 whose creativity enabled him to undertake an imaginary ride on a
8 sunbeam a journey that led him to conclude that the universe
9 was finite and curved. Einstein felt comfortable looking beyond
1011 the established and rational wisdom of his discipline to access a
1 part of himself that was essentially non-scientific: the power of his
2 imagination.
3 One of the major obstacles against fulfilling our creative poten-
4 tial is, as author and psychologist Tony Buzan observes, that we are
5 largely taught to think in only one way we prize our analytical,
6 rational, problem-solving skills over our ability for imagination.
7 However, this doesnt seem entirely consistent with the advice of
8 those well-versed in Big C creativity. Everything, so the poet
9 William Blake tells us, starts in the imagination a sentiment
2011 shared by Einstein himself, who claimed that imagination is always
1 more important than knowledge.
2 When pregnant with her second child, a colleague of mine told
3 me how she had taken her young son along to her three-month
4 ultrasound scan. During the scan, the well-meaning doctor had
5 asked the little boy, Whats inside your Mummys tummy?
6 Totally unfazed, the little boy replied A horse!
7 Now, technically, we could argue this response is neither accu-
8 rate nor rational. But to dismiss it as such is to miss the point
9 entirely. It was no more accurate or rational for Einstein to
30 contemplate going for a ride on a sunbeam. But it was only by
1 liberating himself from the rational that life-changing solutions
2 could be found. Just think what you could accomplish if your
311 imagination was as free to roam as that little boys!
4
5
Creative people, creative contexts: the interaction of the
6
personal, social, and cultural domains
711
8 So far we have looked at how creativity is a combination of your
911 own unique cocktail of personal qualities, willingness to think
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111 creativity expression in this area? What steps could you now take
2 to invent this for yourself? Consider what resources might be
3 required, the type of thinking skills that will support your efforts
4 and who, within your family and social circle, might help you give
5 expression to this part of yourself.
6
For a further source of ideas for developing and expressing your
7
creative potential, use the Coaching Tool Kit below.
8
9
1011 Your Coaching Tool Kit: Suggestions for Enhancing your
1 Creativity, Big and Small
2 1. Build some unstructured time into your week and do
3 something completely unconnected with your daily life and all
4 its responsibilities. Unstructured time creates a space for your
5 imagination to express itself.
6 2. Get curious about your creativity and keep a diary of
7 creative moments in your life. Make a note of what form your
creativity took, where it happened, how it happened, when and
8 with whom.
9 3. Build up your tolerance for appropriate risk-taking, uncer-
2011 tainty and ambiguity, even if it doesnt come naturally (remem-
1 ber Principle No. 4: Courage).
2 4. Try something new every day or if not every day, at least
3 once each week!
4 5. Build up your network of creative contacts for ideas,
feedback and support. See if you can identify the Mission,
5
Attitudes and Process that guides them. In what ways do they
6 conform to and disregard conventional thinking and behaving?
7 6. Draw on the lessons learned by others. Creative geniuses
8 often have a mentor to whom they can turn for inspiration.
9 Remember the Council you created at the end of the Attitude
30 section? Here is your chance to use it, or to invite some new
1 members on board.
2 7. Mix your media. Creativity is stimulated by drawing on
skills and interests from multiple areas of our lives. Search out
311
contact with the natural world, literature, the arts, science or
4 spirituality to access your sense of adventure.
5 8. Try approaching a situation or task from a radically new
6 perspective. If you were an inventor, scientist, politician or
711 human rights activist how would you approach that situation or
8 task differently?
9
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111 easily and quickly. You have a vision of them staying consistently
2 motivated until they have a successful business, shrugging off any
3 obstacles with determination until their dreams have come true.
4 After all, will-power and determination are everything, right?
5 Wrong! According to change experts James Prochaska, John
6 Norcross, and Carlo DiClemente, this is one of the most common
7 and destructive myths about how we change. They highlight how
8 we are often seduced into believing that change is (or should be)
9 easy once weve made up our minds about what we really want.
1011 The truth is that most of us try repeatedly before finally getting the
1 results we want particularly when it comes to making major
2 changes in our lives.
3 The stories of highly successful people in the media tend to
4 reinforce this myth, focusing largely on the outcome of success.
5 Pick up a magazine article on anyone famed for their accomplish-
6 ments and, regardless of their field, youll see what I mean. The
7 story is all about what they have achieved, not the details of how
8 they achieved it. In this sense, success is viewed as a product. But
9 behind this product is a more messy, meandering process of exper-
2011 imenting, stumbling, learning, and growing that is the foundation
1 of true success.
2 When working with my clients, I often describe motivation as
3 being like a sea voyage. You set out to sea on a small boat. Before
4 you go, you plan your route and set a course. You hope your route
5 will allow you to arrive safely, but the prevailing conditions will
6 determine how the journey actually unfolds. Sometimes the condi-
7 tions seem to smile on you. The sun shines and the water is calm,
8 allowing you to enjoy the ride and take in the scenery. But at other
9 times the weather gets stormy and the water becomes choppy.
30 When this happens, you have to devote all your energy and skill to
1 keeping yourself afloat. You cannot control the conditions; all you
2 can do is respond to them as best you can. It may not be pleasant at
311 those moments, but to abandon your journey because the prevail-
4 ing conditions are not ideal is to miss the point. Choppy weather is
5 part of the reality of sailing. Just like the weather, motivation fluc-
6 tuates. Motivation is a direction not a fixed state of mind.
711 Before you read on, use Exercise 28 to help you clarify any
8 myths you may be holding about the nature of motivation and
9 how it relates to success.
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111 The reactions of the group were mixed. She received some posi-
2 tive feedback and useful suggestions. However, one member of the
3 group was extremely critical, accusing her of spouting clichs. Jas-
4 mine felt humiliated and, despite her intentions, could not summon
5 up the courage to return to the group. Two years later, the pages of
6 her novel were gathering dust in a plastic bag under her bed. As her
7 coach, Jasmine asked me if I could help her get back on track.
8 As we talked, I discovered that Jasmines expectations of being a
9 writer were quite realistic. She was not aiming to win the Booker
1011 Prize, but loved to write and believed that this was central to her
1 Mission, which was concerned with reaching out to people
2 through stories.
3 Given that she was not putting herself under pressure to come
4 up with a literary masterpiece, I asked her what was getting in the
5 way of her writing now. She told me that she could not get the crit-
6 ical group members voice out of her head. When he told me that
7 my writing was full of clichs, something inside of me curled up
8 and died. I realized I was stupid to think I could write anything,
9 she sighed. Who was I kidding?
2011 Jasmines motivation took a nose-dive because of a setback trig-
1 gered by someone giving her unconstructive criticism. But her
2 Mission her desire to communicate with others through writing
3 was still a burning one. So we began to look at the situation in
4 greater detail.
5 Jasmine had got caught up in the thinking trap of exaggerating
6 negatives, in that she was focusing entirely on the negative aspects
7 of the groups feedback and had failed to remember the broader
8 picture. All she could remember was how critical this one person
9 had been. I asked her what the other members of the group had
30 said. Jasmine then remembered some positive feedback people
1 had come over to her after the group and told her that they had
2 enjoyed her story. Others offered practical suggestions that she had
311 thought would be helpful.
4 As we began to explore her experience at the group more objec-
5 tively, Jasmine recognized that there had been some truth in what
6 the critical member of the group had said it was the tone of his
711 delivery that felt hurtful. Moreover, he hadnt accused her of spout-
8 ing clichs throughout only in one section. We looked at how
9 she might depersonalize the feedback through using a worksheet so
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111 that she could take on board the suggestions that were useful. I also
2 reminded her that she had never written a novel before and so was
3 learning a new skill; receiving feedback was part of her learning
4 journey.
5 The next stage was to break the larger and quite overwhelming
6 task of completing a novel into manageable chunks. First, we
7 looked at how she could exercise inspired thinking (see Principle
8 No. 10). We then looked at the SMART goals she needed to set
9 herself. Jasmine decided it would be helpful to think about other
1011 resources she might need, including accessing novel writing guide-
1 lines on the internet and finding a tutor who could guide her
2 through the creative writing process. Her plan also included basic
3 organizational tasks like filing the pages of her novel properly and
4 re-reading the story again for the first time in two years.
5 A week later, Jasmine had re-read the chapters she had written
6 so far and was planning to start writing the following week. She
7 knew it was far from perfect and that she would need to get more
8 feedback, some of which might be difficult to hear. However, she
9 was back on track and doing what she loved most.
2011
1
2 Know thyself (and thy stage of change)
3
4 Is it worth it? For Jasmine the answer was a definite yes. She was
5 ready to make changes but just needed some help depersonalizing
6 the unhelpful feedback she had received and establishing a realis-
7 tic plan of action. But what if youre not so sure?
8 The psychology of motivation shows that when we try to
9 achieve our goals, we typically dance our way backwards and
30 forwards through a series of stages. The best way of managing your
1 motivation effectively is to make sure that your action plan accu-
2 rately fits your stage of change.
311 Think about your own Mission, Attitudes, and Process at this
4 time in your life and then read through the stages described in Table
5 6. See if you can identify where you are on the journey of change.
6 The key to managing your motivation is knowing your stage of
711 change and planning your Process accordingly. If you aim for some-
8 thing for which you are not truly ready, the goal will not come to
911 fruition and youll lose self-belief. This is why so many New Years
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111 Resolutions fall at the first hurdle; they are often based on a form of
2 wishful thinking that fails to recognize how change involves more
3 than good intentions. Effective self-coaching requires pairing your
4 motivation stage with action steps consistent with that stage.
5 For example, if you are at the contemplation stage, you might
6 simply need to gather information about how to achieve a goal for
7 future reference. If you are in the action stage, however, you will
8 probably want to develop a very clear and detailed plan of what
9 you will do and when, and establish a support network that will
1011 sustain you through good times and bad. An analysis of your level
1 of motivation might lead you to realize that, in order to bring your
2 dream to fruition, you need to acquire new skills, as in Jasmines
3 case. It could even involve making more fundamental changes to
4 how you live your life and who is, and isnt, a part of it.
5 What the psychology of motivation also tells us is that it is not
6 only natural to experience setbacks, it is also normal to have mixed
7 feelings. Ambivalence often gets a bad press, but in fact it is present
8 in every major decision we ever make. We all want to feel comfort-
9 able with ourselves, and the most important changes we undertake
2011 involve making ourselves uncomfortable! Feelings of self-doubt,
1 insecurity, even fear, are simply par for the course. Even letting go
2 of problems can be scary true, you may not want the problem,
3 but sometimes the prospect of a life without it can feel unsettling.
4 As a result, its perfectly possible to want something and not want
5 it at the same time.
6 Knowing that ambivalence is normal can help you manage your
7 motivation more effectively. If you can recognize that pursuing
8 your goals will involve mixed feelings, you are free to choose the
9 response that best serves your Mission. In other words, your feel-
30 ings are not always a reliable compass for determining how you
1 should act and where necessary you can acknowledge but override
2 them in favour of a course of action that will help you succeed.
311
4
5 How to steer your motivation through
6 those tricky moments
711
8 If you can expect ambivalent feelings as part of making valuable
911 life changes, how do you navigate your way through them?
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111 Please remember that these kinds of feelings and thoughts are
2 natural: anything worth pursuing will throw up obstacles and chal-
3 lenges its not a sign that you cant do it, its a sign that you are
4 getting on with it! You started writing this book for a good reason
5 because you believe in the story and you believe in writing as a
6 powerful way of connecting with people. So dont give up now: it
7 would be such a waste of your talents and your dreams.
8 This project is very important to you and is incredibly worth-
9 while. Deep down, however bad you are feeling, you know this to
1011 be true. Not only that, but people have also given you positive
1 feedback, telling you that they like the story and your writing style.
2 Since starting it, you have been full of energy and enthusiasm and
3 have never felt more inspired. So you cant tell yourself that its not
4 worth it.
5 If youre feeling hopeless, here are some things you need to do
6 after reading this letter:
7
Go back to your writers notebook and read through all the
8
positive things people have said about your book so far
9
(remember, you have had a lot of positive feedback and
2011
people really seem to like your ideas).
1
Look for any toxic thinking and complete a thinking work-
2
sheet so you can make sure your thinking style isnt making
3
things worse.
4
Make a date in your diary for the next time you will sit
5
down and work on the novel and then do it (you always feel
6
better when you are doing it rather than worrying about it!).
7
I believe in the project, so keep going.
8
9 Jasmine.
30
1 Jasmines letter worked well for her because it reminded her of why
2 the project mattered (how it related to her Mission), how she
311 viewed things differently and more positively when she was not
4 facing a motivational challenge, and gave her specific advice about
5 what she needed to do next in order to get going again.
6 Motivational letters can be incredibly powerful, so you may
711 choose to write one for yourself. You can write it from you, to you,
8 in the way that Jasmine did. Or you can write from a member of
911 your council of advisers if you prefer. Another method you may
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111 your learning log (think small remember the popular saying
2 about giant oak trees growing from tiny acorns).
3 Look carefully at the goal list you have devised. If you have the
4 balance right, it should evoke a feeling of I can. You want to feel
5 a sense of positive anticipation and maybe even a slight tinge of
6 anxiety if your goals are stretching you a little bit. If you achieve
7 them, will you feel as though you have accomplished something
8 worthwhile? Will they contribute to a big win for you? If not, keep
9 refining your goal statements until they do.
1011 Finally, make sure your action plan includes attention to the
1 following questions.
2
3 Whats your deadline for achieving each goal?
4 How will you know when youve achieved it? What will be
5 different?
6 Is this action plan realistic and achievable?
7 What might get in the way of implementing your action plan
8 and how could you prevent this? (You may find it helpful to
9 think back to your previous successes and setbacks here.)
2011 What Attitudes and thinking style will help you achieve this
1 action plan?
2 What Attitudes and thinking traps will you need to watch out
3 for?
4 How can you bring your creativity to this action plan?
5 How are you going to manage your motivation? How will you
6 boost your morale so you keep going through any setbacks?
7
8 Once you have answers to all of the above questions, write your
9 action plan in your learning log including specifying deadlines
30 of what you will do and by when, under the heading My action
1 plan is . . ..
2 On reaching the end of this section, you have completed the 12
311 Principles in the Art of Inspired Living. By working through the
4 different chapters, you have developed a rich collection of insights,
5 self-knowledge, perspectives, tools, and techniques that will help
6 you capitalize on your talents, enhance your motivation, and fulfil
711 your potential.
8 In Part III , we will look at some specific ways in which you can
911 apply these principles to different areas of your life. Although there
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111 are a limitless number of areas with which coaching can help, I
2 have chosen those areas for which my clients most commonly
3 request help. These are listed below.
4
5 1. How to be inspired at work.
6 2. How to achieve a healthy work-life balance.
7 3. How to create healthy self-esteem.
8 4. How to have a happy and healthy relationship with your
9 body.
1011 5. How to develop and sustain rewarding relationships.
1
2 Just before we conclude Part II, however, lets have one last look
3 at MAP. In Figure 2 (p. 202), youll see the full version of MAP,
4 in diagrammatic form, which gives you an instant overview of how
5 to master the art of inspired living and how to go about planning
6 each self-coaching journey now and in the future.
7
8
9
2011
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
30
1
2
311
4
5
6
711
8
9
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111 M(ission)
2 The Why of your Life:
3 Principle 1: Honouring your authenticity
Principle 2: The meaning of your life
4
Principle 3: Your signature strengths
5 Principle 4: Courage
6
7 A(ttitude)
8 The How of your journey
9 Principle 5: Optimism
1011 Principle 6: Curiosity
1 Principle 7: Gratitude
2 Principle 8: Compassion
3
P(rocess)
4
The What of your journey
5 Principle 9: Goal-setting
6 Principle 10: Helpful questions
7 Principle 11: Creativity
8 Principle 12: Motivation
9
2011 Goal Setting (Principle 9)
1 Planning the next step, working
2 out how to apply ideas in
3 specific situations.
4
5
Self-Motivating Thinking/Option Generating
6 (Principle 12) (Principle 10)
7
Reflecting on what is Observing what happened,
8 and what needs to reflecting on the experience,
9 change; developing your making sense of what
30 own theories and ideas. happened.
1
2
311
4 Creativity and Inventing (Principle 11)
5 Experimenting, trying things out.
6 Figure 2. Your coaching MAP.
711
8
911
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111
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9 PART III
1011
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
2011
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
30
1
2
311
4
5
6
711
8
9
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111
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
1011
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
2011
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
30
1
2
311
4
5
6
711
8
911
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111 in the finance industry, he left to set up his own travel company
2 a decision that involved sacrificing a regular salary, pension, and
3 company share scheme. It was a step into the unknown that
4 required every ounce of his passion, courage, and self-belief. When
5 he returned home after a five-month sabbatical, and by now with
6 the anxiety biting at his heels, he contacted his former colleagues
7 to alert them to his new venture. A response from one was partic-
8 ularly telling. Great to hear from you, she e-mailed back. Its
9 amazing to think that you have gone off and actually done all this.
1011 Here we are, having yet another tedious day in the office. If ever
1 Neil needed confirmation that he had done the right thing, this
2 was it. For his former colleague, work life had continued in the
3 same uneventful way it always had. But he was on an adventure of
4 an altogether different kind.
5 The sad reality for many people is that work is a drain on their
6 resources rather than a crucible for their potential. Of course, even
7 great jobs have their downsides; if you are a natural entrepreneur
8 or creative thinker, for example, you probably wont relish the
9 admin generated by your great ideas. But when the tedious
2011 elements become too frequent or time-consuming, its time to
1 think again.
2 Think about your own working life. Consider all the different
3 things that you do including both the work for which you get paid
4 and any work that is salary-free (such as running a home, raising
5 children, caring for family members, or doing voluntary work).
6 List the different components in your learning log.
7 If you take all of these areas as a whole, how satisfying do you
8 find your working life? If you were going to rate your satisfaction
9 on a scale of 0 (totally unsatisfying) to 10 (totally satisfying), where
30 would you place yourself?
1
2
0 2 5 8 10
311
4 If you rated yourself anywhere between 810, then you should
5 feel well pleased! You have a working life that is adding to your
6 quality of life quite substantially. If you scored between 67, your
711 working life may benefit from a review and a little tweaking. If you
8 scored below six, however, your vocation definitely needs some
911 clarification. Perhaps its time to set your sights a little higher . . .
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111 Remember, no one else needs to see this apart from you and youll
2 get more out of it if you are totally honest with yourself.)
3
1. Career or work life
4
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5
6 2. Relationship with spouse/partner
7 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
8 3. Relationship with children
9 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1011 4. Extended family and social life
1 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
2 5. Plenty of free time
3 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
4 6. Maintaining a healthy worklife balance
5 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
6
7. Commitments to activities outside of work (e.g., charity work,
7
political activities, church)
8 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
9
8. Leisure interests and pursuits
2011
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1
2
3
4 Helpful hint. You might also find it helpful to review your
5 Inspiration Inventory in Chapter One. Do your satisfaction
6 ratings give you any clues about where your priorities lie in
7 relation to work?
8
9
30 What do your answers tell you? Were they what you expected, or
1 did you discover anything that surprised you? Were there any
2 conflicting ideas between what you thought you should want and
311 what you really want?
4 See also if your profile of results gives you any clues about the
5 type of work you are likely to find rewarding, including whether
6 you are most likely to feel fulfilled by having a single career focus,
711 or a working life made up of multiple components. Listed below
8 are some of the different ways in which you might choose to design
9 your working life, depending on the role of career in your own life.
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111 we have inherited from our families, peer group, and society. If we
2 peel away the layers of everything we have ever been taught about
3 work, of all the beliefs we have inherited from our family, peer
4 group, and society, we are better able to connect with our Mission
5 and decide how we want to implement this in the world of work.
6 Peeling back the layers is both an opportunity and a challenge.
7 When we start to engage with this process, we can see that there
8 are multiple ways of creating a working life that might not fit
9 comfortably with the received wisdom of our family or social
1011 group.
1 What ideas have you inherited about the place of work in a
2 persons life? From whom? What have you been taught (directly or
3 indirectly) about the relationship between career and identity?
4 Career and self-worth? What beliefs do you have about the nature
5 of important work and less important work? Record your
6 answers in your learning log.
7 You may have been tempted to come up with politically correct
8 answers in which all types of work are of equal value and there is
9 no relationship between career and worth. But I want you to delve
2011 more deeply than this in order to access that part of yourself that
1 holds more hidden assumptions. Our culture bombards us with all
2 kinds of pernicious messages about career that will have permeated
3 your choices and beliefs at a subtle (or not so subtle) level. And as
4 these are the attitudes that might tempt you into making unhelp-
5 ful choices, I want you to get to know them well. So revisit your
6 answers to the exercise above, until you are clear you know those
7 attitudes that might help and hinder you.
8 If you start to tease apart those ideas you have inherited from
9 those which come from your authentic self, some interesting possi-
30 bilities start to emerge. For example, you might choose to alter
1 your mindset (Principles 58) and, in doing so, become aware of
2 opportunities that exist within your current work settings that you
311 had previously overlooked. You might be able to recognize that
4 your efforts make more of a contribution than you realized. Or you
5 might become more open to learning new skills that can pave the
6 way for finding a job elsewhere.
711 To help you consider your options, I want to introduce you to
8 two models, drawn from career theory, that can alert you to your
9 own career orientation. These models are not mutually exclusive,
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111 so each one might illuminate something special about you and the
2 contribution you want to make in the workplace.
3
4
5 What is your career type?
6
7 When considering what you want to get from your working life, it
8 helps to have a good idea of your motivations, interests, strengths,
9 and needs (you might want to refer back to your signature
1011 strengths in Principle No. 3).
1 According to career theorist J. L. Holland, we are most likely to
2 be professionally fulfilled when we are doing work that is consis-
3 tent with our interests and values. Holland proposes that each of
4 us, as well as the settings in which we work, fall into six types or
5 combination of types. The closer the match between what we have
6 to offer and the context in which we offer it, the greater our satis-
7 faction and chances of success. The six types Holland identifies are
8 outlined below. See which ones relate to you.
9
2011 1. Realistic: The realistic type sees themselves as practical and
1 having manual and mechanical skills. They value material
2 rewards for tangible accomplishments. They tend to prefer
3 occupations involving the use of machines, tools, and objects.
4 2. Investigative: The investigative type sees themselves as analyt-
5 ical, intelligent, sceptical and academically talented. They
6 value the development or acquisition of knowledge. They
7 prefer occupations involving exploration and understanding,
8 prediction or control of natural and social phenomena.
9 3. Artistic: The artistic type sees themselves as innovative and
30 intellectual. They value the creative expression of ideas,
1 emotions and sentiments and tend to prefer occupations
2 involving literary, musical or artistic activities.
311 4. Social: The social type sees themselves as empathic, patient
4 and having interpersonal skills. They value supporting the
5 welfare of others and service to the community and/or soci-
6 ety. They prefer occupations involving helping, teaching,
711 treating or counselling.
8 5. Enterprising: The enterprising type sees themselves as having
911 sales and persuasive ability. They value material accomplish-
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111 ment and social status. They prefer activities and occupations
2 that involve persuading, manipulating or directing others.
3 6. Conventional: The conventional type sees themselves as
4 having technical skills in business or production. They value
5 material or financial accomplishment and power in social,
6 business or political arenas. They prefer activities and occu-
7 pations that involve establishing or maintaining orderly
8 routines, and the application of standards.
9
1011 What stands out for you? Based on your Mission, what type are
1 you and how does this fit with your work environment? Do you
2 have a match or a mismatch? How does your type help explain
3 choices you have made in relation to your professional life, to date?
4 Write the answers to these questions in your learning log.
5 Another helpful model for thinking creatively about your career
6 is Ed Scheins Anchors theory. Anchors theory suggests that as a
7 persons career and life unfolds, there is a gradual clarification of
8 self-image in relation to interests, values, and talents. Schein sees
9 this as a process of finding a career anchor. The anchor is that
2011 set of needs, values, and talents which the person is least willing to
1 give up if forced to make a choice.
2 There are eight career anchors from which to choose. You may
3 feel that several or even all of these anchors are relevant to you, but
4 holding in mind your Mission, which one would you prioritize
5 above all others?
6
7 1. Technical/functional competence: what you would not give up is
8 the opportunity to apply, and continue to develop, skills and
9 knowledge in your area of expertise. You derive your sense of
30 identity from the exercise of your skills and are most happy when
1 your work permits you to be challenged in your specialist area.
2 2. General managerial competence: what you would not give up is
311 the opportunity to climb to a level high enough in an orga-
4 nization to enable you to integrate others efforts across func-
5 tions and to be responsible for the output of a particular unit
6 of the organization.
711 3. Autonomy/independence: what you would not give up is the
8 opportunity to define your own work in your own way. If you
9 are in an organization, you want to remain in jobs that allow
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111 you flexibility regarding when and how you work. You may
2 even seek to have a business of your own in order to achieve
3 a sense of autonomy.
4 4. Security/stability: what you would not give up is employment
5 security or tenure in a job or organization. Your main concern
6 is to achieve a sense of having succeeded so that you can relax.
7 5. Entrepreneurial creativity: what you would not give up is the
8 opportunity to create an organization on your own initiative,
9 built on your own abilities and your willingness to take risks
1011 and to overcome obstacles.
1 6. Service/dedication to a cause: what you would not give up is
2 the opportunity to pursue work that achieves something of
3 value, such as making the world a better place to live, solving
4 environmental problems or helping others.
5 7. Pure challenge: what you would not give up is the opportunity
6 to work on solutions to seemingly unsolvable problems, to win
7 out over tough opponents, or to overcome difficult obstacles.
8 8. Lifestyle integration: what you would not give up is a situation
9 that permits you to balance your personal needs, your family
2011 needs, and the requirements of your career. You need a career
1 situation that provides enough flexibility to achieve such inte-
2 gration. [Schein, 1990, pp. 5860]
3
What would you say is your main career anchor? To what extent
4
does it fit with the different contexts in which you work? For
5
example, if your career anchor is security/stability but the organi-
6 zation in which you work emphasises entrepreneurial creativity,
7 you might feel like a square peg in a round hole. Write your
8 thoughts in your learning log.
9 Your career anchor may be different at various points in your
30 life, but for the purposes of your self-coaching what matters most
1 is where you are now. If you know your type and career anchor,
2 you are in a stronger position to make wise and satisfying choices
311 in relation to your career. Put your insights to the test by complet-
4 ing Exercise 31.
5
6
711 Exercise 31. What satisfies you?
8 Think of a time when you were most satisfied in your working life.
911 Remember as many aspects of the situation as you can. What kind
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111 of work were you doing, and in what context? Think about the peo-
2 ple, the setting, the skills and talents you were exercising, how suc-
3 cess was rewarded, etc., and write these down in your learning log.
4 Now think of a time when you were least satisfied with your
5 working life. Remember as many aspects of the situation as you
6 can. What kind of work were you doing, and in what context?
7 What made it feel so negative for you? Think about the people, the
8 setting, the skills and talents you were exercising and not able to
9 exercise, how success was rewarded and so on, and write these in
1011 your learning log.
1 Review your answers carefully they provide an important clue
2 about the kinds of work that will prove most satisfying. Are you
3 someone, for example, who values a high level of autonomy? Or
4 who values a steady, consistent workload? Do you thrive on using
5 your technical expertise in a specialised setting, or need the chal-
6 lenge of variety? Do you enjoy managing others or prefer working
7 alone? What do your answers tell you about your type, your career
8 anchors, and your career orientation? How might you need to take
9 account of your type and career anchor in the future (for example,
2011 through choice of work, combination of jobs and roles, continu-
1 ing professional development and non-work roles and hobbies)?
2
3
4 Design your Process
5
6 By now you should have an emerging sense of what type of career
7 context is likely to prove most rewarding for you. For example,
8 your Mission (Principles 14) may lead you to suspect that an
9 enterprising career will be the most rewarding career trajectory,
30 offering high prestige roles in ways that enable you to develop your
1 natural leadership and strong interpersonal skills. Alternatively,
2 your career anchor may highlight a desire for autonomy and inde-
311 pendence. The sense of reward that comes from selecting projects
4 that stimulate your interest and the freedom to establish your own
5 working patterns will perhaps point you towards seeking out
6 networks of likeminded colleagues, rather than living your work-
711 ing life within a single organization.
8 Of course, knowing all this is not sufficient to create a working
9 life that remains rewarding in the longer term. In order to turn
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111 your vision into a reality you have to design a Process that will get
2 you from where you are now to where you want to be. You have
3 to identify specific goals that will take you in the right direction,
4 harness your creativity, and keep your motivation on track (partic-
5 ularly if your vision involves some big career changes that need to
6 take place over months rather than weeks). You will also need to
7 understand the social, political, economic, and global context in
8 which you are immersed in order to make your particular skills
9 attractive to potential employers or clients.
1011
1
2 Turning preferences into choices: how will I get there?
3
4 To help you identify suitable goals, I want to invite you to
5 complete two very detailed exercises with me (helpful hint: this can
6 be quite a rich and detailed piece of work, so if you need some
7 guidance contact a qualified occupational psychologist or coach.
8 You will find a list of organizations at the end of this book).
9 The first exercise is called Constructing Your CV. When we
2011 think about constructing a CV (a curriculum vitae in the tradi-
1 tional sense of the term), most of us think about the type of docu-
2 ment we would send to a prospective employer, where we tailor
3 what we reveal to meet what we imagine are the requirements.
4 However, for the purpose of this exercise, it helps to take a fresh
5 approach. Imagine that CV stands for Creative Victory and the
6 record you compile reflects your skills, accomplishments, victories,
7 talents, and character qualities in other words, your own unique
8 brand.
9
30
1 Juliannes story
2
311 At the start of our work together, I often invite my clients to obtain
4 a notebook into which they can record summaries of our work
5 together as well as any thoughts or insights they have. Most people
6 buy one. However, Julianne decided to create a more personalized
711 version. She obtained a plain scrapbook and then proceeded to
8 decorate the cover with pictures and images cut out of magazines,
911 each of which reflected some aspect of the journey she had
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111 Once you are clear about what these are, you can begin to
2 design a way to get there. The final exercise in this chapter offers
3 you a series of questions to guide you in your planning.
4
5
Exercise 32. Designing a way forward
6
7 Based on your Mission, Attitude and core areas of learning, what
8 kind of Process do you want to design?
9
What type of work would be most meaningful for you, given
1011
your current life stage? How would this fit with your own
1
career type and career anchor?
2
What specific steps do you now need to take to turn your
3
preferences into a reality (think SMART)?
4
What skills, knowledge, and abilities do you have already that
5
you could draw upon to help you get there?
6
What skills, knowledge, and abilities do you now need to
7
acquire?
8
What organizations, groups, or networks would support you?
9
Who are the most significant people that can offer you guid-
2011 ance and advice (e.g., managers, mentors, partners, or social
1 and professional contacts)?
2 How might you find out about new job/work opportunities
3 within your chosen field?
4 What practical challenges do you anticipate pursuing your
5 chosen direction will involve (e.g., potential loss of income if
6 you change career direction)? How will you manage them?
7 What motivational challenges do you anticipate pursuing this
8 will involve (e.g., receiving rejection letters; losing out to the
9 competition)? How will you manage them?
30
1
2
The take home message
311
4 In our rapidly changing professional, social, and economic world,
5 where the notion of a job for life now seems like a quaint idea from
6 the distant past, having a career will mean different things at dif-
711 ferent stages in our lives. It will also vary according to our fields of
8 expertise, family responsibilities, and extra-curricular commit-
9 ments.
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111 However, if you take ownership of your working life, you can
2 create the inner freedom to approach your career from different
3 perspectives. This might lead you to re-evaluate the settings in
4 which you work, appraising what is on offer rather than assuming
5 you have no choice but to settle. You might find yourself contem-
6 plating how your learning and creativity are enabled and
7 constrained by the different contexts in which you work. You
8 might also widen your knowledge of potential career opportunities
9 in similar or unrelated fields by talking to family, friends, and
1011 social contacts about the nature of their work.
1 As you contemplate your career options, you might also find it
2 helpful to use the ideas in the Coaching Tool Box.
3
4 Coaching Tool Box. Reflective Career Planning: Suggestions to
5 Guide your Thinking
6
1. Have a long-term vision of how you want your career to
7
look (it doesnt matter if it changes; having a long-term vision
8 helps you make the right decisions for now).
9 2. Define your career Mission and Attitude clearly before
2011 deciding on a plan of action (Process) to implement them.
1 3. Challenge any outdated beliefs about what your career can
2 help you accomplish (e.g., dont confuse career success with
3 personal worth). Make decisions based on the values and prior-
4 ities of the authentic self.
4. Conduct a regular audit of your strengths, limits, and core
5
areas of learning. Consider how to promote your learning (e.g.,
6 through acquiring new knowledge, new technology, joining
7 new networks of colleagues, attending a course/conference).
8 5. Be aware of how the different strands of your working life
9 impact on you at all levels. In what ways do they facilitate and
30 constrain your choices? How could you capitalize on the
1 opportunities and manage any constraints?
2 6. Build relationships with like-minded others who have
made the kinds of career choices you find most appealing. Link
311 up with them for ideas, feedback, and support.
4
5
6
711 As Professor Steven Rose, one of Britains best known scientists,
8 reminds us, we each have the ability to create our own futures,
911 even if this is not always in circumstances of our own choosing. I
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111 hope that, by using the ideas and exercises in this chapter, you
2 might be empowered to develop a personalized career plan that
3 reflects a broader vision of yourself, your potential, and your
4 contribution to the world in which you live.
5
6
7 Creating The Inspired Career
8 One idea I shall take away from this chapter is . . . (write the
9 answer in your learning log).
1011 One thing I will do differently to add value to my career is . . .
1 (write the answer in your learning log).
2
3
4 Note
5
6 1. This exercise is based on original work by the Professional
7 Development Foundation. It is adapted here with permission.
8
9
2011 Bibliography
1
2 *Ferguson, A. (1999). Lifeshift: Doing the Dream. Moray: Breakthrough.
3 Holland, J. L. (1996). Exploring careers with a typology: what we have
learned and some new directions. American Psychologist, 51(4):
4
397406.
5
PDF Net and Professional Development Foundation (2005). Further
6 information and contact details online. Available at www.pdf.net.
7 Schein, E. H. (1990). Career Anchors. Discovering your Real Values. San
8 Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass Pfeiffer.
9 *Williams, N. (2004). The Work We Were Born to Do. Find the Work You
30 Love, Love the Work You Do. London: Element.
1
2
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5
6
711
8
9
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111
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3
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6
7
8
9
1011
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2
3
4
5
6
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8
9
2011
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8
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111 capitalize on it. And yet for all our efforts, our schedules often
2 seem more tightly packed than ever.
3 Think about your typical week and notice how many timetables
4 rule your life, whether its catching the train to work, attending
5 meetings, collecting the children from school or achieving project
6 deadlines. Also notice how many time-saving devices you use e-
7 mails, mobile phones, and microwave ovens all designed to
8 enable you to do more and more in less and less time.
9 When I meet a client for the first time, I ask them about what
1011 their day looks like and where and how their time is spent. Given
1 that time is so central to our lives, it is interesting that very few
2 people can actually account for their precious hours, although
3 most of them would acknowledge that achieving a healthy and
4 rewarding worklife balance is very important.
5 The quality of our lives is closely related to how we manage our
6 time. So before reading on, take a few moments to think about
7 your own worklife balance using the exercise below:
8
9 Exercise 33. Your worklife balance
2011
1 How would you describe your current worklife balance?
2 To what extent are you satisfied with the time you can devote
3 to the different, core areas of your life?
4 How do you try to manage your time to best advantage?
5 What methods do you use?
6 In what ways are these methods effective?
In what ways are they ineffective?
7
How often do you make time to relax and unwind?
8
What would an optimum work-life balance look like for you,
9
at this point in your life?
30
1 Write your responses to these questions in your learning log.
2
311
4 What is a good worklife balance?
5
6 Life today is a balancing act. Multiple demands are made upon us
711 at home as well as work and we all have to manage diverse roles
8 that often appear to conflict to give more time to one means to
911 detract time from another. Look at the grid in Figure 3 and see if
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111 The Weekly Activity Diary gives you a birds-eye view of exactly
2 what you pack into each and every day. It tells you at a glance how
3 much time is being devoted to work, extra-curricular activities,
4 managing the practicalities of your life and mind-wasting activities
5 (such as channel hopping when watching the television).
6 Have a look at the Weekly Activity Diary at the end of this
7 chapter. Youll see that the day is split into hourly segments. All
8 you need to do is write your main activity for that particular hour.
9 For example, if you get up, shower, and dress between 78 a.m.,
1011 write getting up in that box. If you spend two hours commuting
1 from 68 p.m., write travelling home from work. Each box only
2 needs the main activity for that particular hour. Remember to
3 include everything you do watching TV, shopping, travelling,
4 organizing your paperwork, using the internet, eating and sleeping
5 are all activities that make demands on your time.
6 Once you know exactly how your time is being spent, you can
7 sift through your daily routine and decide which areas are being
8 used productively and which are not. How much of your time is
9 spent on meaningful activities? How much time is being wasted on
2011 empty activities (that is, activities that arent contributing some-
1 thing worthwhile or entertaining to your day)? To what extent does
2 your use of time honour your Mission? What adjustments do you
3 need to make?
4
5
6 Graces story
7 Graces story illustrates how you do not necessarily need to make
8 huge changes to reap significant benefit.
9 When she first came to see me, Grace was exhausted. She
30 worked full time for an insurance company in addition to running
1 a home and raising two teenage children. She was also the main
2 carer for her elderly parents, whom she would visit twice weekly
311 after work and at the weekend. Time for her? Forget it! It was, she
4 told me, a luxury she couldnt afford. When I can clone myself,
5 she laughed, then we can talk about relaxation!
6 And yet, Grace knew she could not continue at her current
711 pace. With no time to refuel, she was burning out fast. Her health
8 was suffering, and if she became unwell she would no longer be
9 able to care for her parents.
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111 Graces story is a familiar one in that she had multiple respon-
2 sibilities that seemed to pull her in conflicting directions. She
3 needed to work, and indeed valued her career, but she also saw rais-
4 ing her children and caring for her parents as part of her Mission.
5 The situation felt hopeless because she thought she knew exactly
6 how she was spending her time. The most time-consuming aspect
7 of her week was, she told me, visiting her parents, cooking for
8 them, taking care of their paperwork, and chauffeuring them to
9 various appointments.
1011 However, after a week of keeping the Activity Diary, Grace
1 discovered something surprising. Outside of work, the bulk of her
2 time was not being spent caring for her parents, but running her
3 own home and in particular, cooking for and cleaning up after
4 her two teenage children. The time that was spent juggling her
5 work life and visiting her parents was less than she had assumed.
6 So Grace called a family meeting where she announced that
7 some changes were needed. At first her children were resistant to
8 the idea of having to contribute to the running of the household.
9 But, armed with the results of her Activity Diary, Grace explained
2011 why things couldnt continue as they were. Her children admitted
1 that they had been worried about her and this led to some positive
2 discussions about how family life could be organized differently.
3 Both children accepted responsibility for tidying their rooms,
4 Graces daughter agreed to prepare dinner once a week and her son
5 said he would visit his grandparents once a week instead of Grace.
6 These changes may seem small, but they had a huge impact on
7 Graces quality of life. They also helped her children understand
8 more about the responsibilities of adulthood.
9 However busy we are, our time is not necessarily used in the
30 way we imagine. The results of her Weekly Activity Diary showed
1 Grace that although her life was very busy, change was possible.
2 True, her teenage children werent initially delighted at the pros-
311 pect of having to clear up after themselves, but they didnt want a
4 mother who was under so much stress that she became ill.
5
6
2. Be clear about your priorities
711
8 If you have worked through Principles 14, then you should have
911 no trouble being clear about your priorities. But do you honour
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111 them? This is the crunch. You need to sift through each new
2 demand to work out exactly how it will contribute towards the
3 vision you have for your life. If it does have something to offer,
4 then its a priority. If it doesnt, then it isnt, and you need to let it
5 go. This will sometimes involve saying no to things that might
6 have been fun or interesting because, if you are like most people,
7 you do not have unlimited time. You need to select those tasks,
8 projects, and opportunities that fit with the bigger picture. If they
9 dont fit, then you need to move on. When you have a choice,
1011 choose to devote your time and energy only to those things that
1 really matter.
2
3
4 Richards story
5
6 Richard had recently started his own business. After years of work-
7 ing for someone else, he decided that he wanted the autonomy that
8 came from being his own boss. He was an experienced manage-
9 ment consultant who knew his field well and had a loyal client
2011 base.
1 But after three months, things werent going to plan. He was not
2 achieving the weekly goals he set himself and was slow at respond-
3 ing to business enquiries. Although he was working hard things
4 were not getting done in a timely and productive fashion.
5 When Richard kept a Weekly Activity Diary, his suspicions were
6 confirmed: he was indeed working hard, but he was getting side-
7 tracked by other projects. For example, a former colleague had
8 asked him to review a business plan, knowing Richard had exper-
9 tise in the area, and he had devoted several hours to this project.
30 He had also agreed to take on some extra work for his former
1 employer to help out during a staffing crisis and he had spent a
2 whole day helping a friend think about how to start her own
311 company all of which distracted Richard from his own business.
4 There was, of course, more to it than this. Because Richard felt
5 anxious about setting up his own business, it was easy to spend
6 time on projects that felt safe. Working on someone elses ideas for
711 a business made Richard feel secure and validated because his
8 friend was grateful for all his good ideas. And as long as he was
9 focusing on someone elses needs he did not have to confront the
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111 discomfort that came from testing out his talents in a new arena.
2 But the Weekly Activity Diary helped Richard see how this strat-
3 egy had backfired. Once he understood this, he was free to devise
4 a new strategy which meant saying no to what didnt really
5 matter.
6
7
8
3. Do the most important things first
9
1011 Typically we stop doing the most important things first when we
1 anticipate that those things will stir up some uncomfortable feel-
2 ings or force us to examine some part of our lives that we dont
3 want to face. Procrastinating or avoiding those things that really
4
need doing might feel like a way of escaping certain uncomfort-
5
able feelings but it is a trap. Sooner or later you have to face what
6
it is you have been avoiding.
7
When I was studying for my exams as a psychology student, I
8
had a friend who had this strategy down to a fine art. Whenever it
9
came to revising, she would experience an uncontrollable urge to
2011
do the housework. Every piece of clothing would be washed and
1
ironed, the whole house would be dusted and vacuumed until
2
whoops! Another day had passed and she still hadnt opened her
3
4 books.
5 My friend persuaded herself that once she had all the cleaning,
6 dusting, vacuuming, and ironing out of the way, she would then
7 get down to her revision. Her family had never known the place
8 so clean! But deep down she knew that it was a way of trying to
9 avoid the discomfort of exam preparation. It was an attempt to
30 avoid the inevitable.
1 I learnt a lot from my friends story. Now, if there is something
2 I find myself resisting, something that really gets my stomach in
311 knots, I commit myself to doing it first. If this is not humanly
4 possible, then I work out exactly when I am going to tackle it and
5 make a note of the date and time in my diary. If the task is tough,
6 I know I only make myself feel worse by putting it off and getting
711 it done gives my confidence a boost at least its one less thing to
8 do. You can save a great deal of time and energy just by tackling
911 the important things first.
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111
2 Exercise 34. Tackle the big things first
3 Have you ever been in a situation where you knew you had to do
4 something really important but just couldnt bring yourself to do
5 it? Is this a problem for you right now? If it is, write a brief descrip-
6 tion in your learning log of what it is you are avoiding.
7 What if you committed yourself to doing whatever it is you are
8 avoiding regardless of how you feel? What if, just on this occa-
9 sion, you chose to overrule procrastination and just do it? Why not
1011 treat this as an experiment to find out what really happens (rather
1 than living life based on what you think will happen)?
2 Identify what it is that you need to tackle and then rate your
3 level of anxiety or discomfort, where 0 = no discomfort and 10 =
4 maximum discomfort. Then re-rate your level of anxiety or
5 discomfort after you have done it. Are there any changes? Was the
6 task any more enjoyable for putting it off? Or did you feel more
7 energized and empowered simply by having tackled it?
8
9
4. Treat your time as your most precious resource
2011
1 Lets do the maths. There are only 24 hours in a day and 168 hours
2 in a week. A year consists of 8,760 hours. If you live to the age of
3 70, you will have 613,200 hours available to you. If you are 40
4 now, that leaves you with only 262,800 hours to live. Thats all.
5 The clock is ticking, so please use these precious hours wisely. They
6 are all you have.
7 Signs that you are not respecting your time include the following.
8
Over-committing. You take on too many things, and know
9
you are taking on too many things but tell yourself youll find
30
the time somehow.
1
Finding it hard to say no to requests (even though every cell
2
in your body is screaming at you to give yourself a break).
311
Feeling guilty about taking a day off.
4 Neglecting your needs for rest and relaxation.
5 Failing to make quality time for family and friends.
6
711 Being busy is a contemporary addiction and behind this addic-
8 tion lies an equally sinister and pervasive theme. Best-selling
9 author Stephen Covey reminds us of a pervasive and dangerous
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111 myth operating in our culture: that being busy means we are
2 important. As a result, filling our time from morning to night gives
3 us a sense of security. It can also be a great way of avoiding other
4 areas of our life that need some attention (such as health matters
5 or a relationship issue).
6 If you find it difficult to respect your time, see if there is some-
7 thing deeper going on. It may be that you find it hard to say no
8 for fear of upsetting people (notice the link with some of the ideas
9 we talked about in the authenticity chapter). Or you may have
1011 nagging doubts about your sense of self-worth without the trap-
1 pings of your accomplishments (if so, youll benefit from Chapter
2 Twenty-three on building self-esteem); your over-striving is an
3 attempt to compensate for doubts about your competency or
4 worth.
5 So, if this is true of you, try to work out what is missing. What
6 dont you trust within yourself that leads you to believe you can
7 never take your foot off the accelerator? Whose formula of success
8 are you attempting to follow by throwing yourself into something
9 that will undermine your emotional well-being and your physical
2011 health? Whatever the reason, remember that you cannot be all
1 things to all people, nor should you attempt to be.
2
3
4 Improve your productivity some additional pointers
5
6 Being busy is not the same thing as being productive. Great
7 productivity is the result of knowing the right thing to do, at the
8 right time and with just the right amount of effort. If you are clear
9 about your priorities, attend to the most pressing tasks first, respect
30 your time and honour your emotional and physical needs, you
1 have a healthy formula for achieving a great worklife balance
2 not to mention a greatly enhanced productivity.
311 A good weekly routine will include space for:
4
5 eating well (including making time to prepare healthy and
6 nourishing meals);
711 sleeping well (including having a wind down routine at the
8 end of the day);
911 regular exercise;
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111 the night before, as well: for example, putting files out on your
2 desk, locating relevant telephone numbers, or tidying up can all be
3 time-savers for the following day.
4 If you are unfamiliar with list-making as a way of managing
5 your time, set yourself only one or two goals per day to begin with.
6 You can always increase the number later on. Work out how you
7 are going to organize this. Will a note in your diary be sufficient
8 or will you need a separate notebook? How about a sticky label on
9 your fridge door? Find a system that works for you. Alternatively,
1011 you could use the form below.
1
2 Date
3
Priority task Task Achieved? (tick)
4
5 1.
6
7 2.
8
3.
9
2011 4.
1
2 5.
3
4
5
6 At the end of each day, review your list and check what has been
7 accomplished. Cross things off as you go to give you a sense of
8 achievement. If there are any items you havent completed, see
9 what you can learn from this. Did you have too many tasks on
30 your list? Get side-tracked by non-essential tasks? Was it really that
1 important to begin with? (If it is, put it on tomorrows list.)
2 Finally, set limits around your time. Work on something for a
311 set period and then take a break. You do not need to do anything
4 perfectly good enough will be fine. And if there are things that
5 need particularly high quality of attention, tackle it when you are
6 at your most alert and creative, saving more routine jobs for when
711 you are getting tired.
8 If you need some additional points to ponder, try the tips in the
9 Coaching Tool Box below.
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111 Coaching Tool Box: Top Tips for Achieving a Great WorkLife
2 Balance
3
1. Keep your Mission at the forefront of your mind. Select only
4
those opportunities that contribute to your sense of purpose.
5 2. Prioritize. Devote time and energy to what needs doing that
6 day tomorrow can take care of itself.
7 3. Do the most important things first (especially when you feel
8 some resistance!).
9 4. Beware worrying about how much you have to do, as this
1011 drains your energy and prevents productive action. Deal with the
negative thoughts first as you learnt to do in Principle No. 10.
1
5. Take short, regular breaks to prevent burnout.
2 6. Take regular holidays. Use up your holiday allowance if you
3 are employed. Plan your annual breaks if self-employed. Regular
4 breaks improve both productivity and sense of well-being.
5
6
7 Take home message
8
The solution to having a great worklife balance is knowing what
9
really matters to you and prioritizing your efforts accordingly. This
2011 will be easier to accomplish if you recognize that your time on this
1 earth is limited and the hours in the day are all you have. In the
2 same way that you plan your finances, your holiday, or your career,
3 plan how you want to use your time using tools such as the Weekly
4 Activity Diary, attending to what matters first and using to do
5 lists. You owe it to yourself to use your precious hours wisely.
6 As the author Thomas Merton points out, to give in to too
7 many demands and commit ourselves to too many tasks is to
8 surrender to one of the main pressures of the modern world. Ulti-
9 mately, it comes down to knowing who you are and what you
30 stand for and gently challenging any sense of needing to be busy
1 for unhealthy reasons. If you can give yourself permission to be
2 true to yourself, your life will always be in balance.
311
4
Enjoying an Optimum WorkLife Balance
5
6 One thing I will take away from this chapter is . . . (write the
711 answer in your learning log).
One thing I will try differently as a result of this chapter is . . .
8 (write the answer in your learning log).
911
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111 Bibliography
2
3 *Covey, S. R. (1989). The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. New
York: Simon and Shuster.
4
5
6
7
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111 concluded that he could be, do, and have anything he wanted, as
2 long as he believed in himself enough. For Justin, being, having,
3 and doing anything he wanted meant having an outstanding career,
4 the perfect relationship, and a life of financial freedom and luxury.
5 Justin did indeed, have a thriving career, a relationship with a
6 woman who loved him, and a good salary that enabled him to
7 enjoy a very comfortable lifestyle. But there was a problem. His
8 belief that he could be, have, and do anything he wanted led him
9 to bulldoze his way to success. He didnt see any problem with his
1011 strategy, but his wife and colleagues did. His workaholic tenden-
1 cies were undermining his marriage and his wife was threatening
2 to leave him. Moreover, Justins straight talking approach was
3 experienced by others as intimidating and he was now facing a
4 disciplinary action at work because of his conduct. For the first
5 time, Justin was forced to confront facts: his wife found him
6 emotionally unavailable and his colleagues saw him as a bully.
7 Stephan and Justin may seem very different, but they were both
8 struggling with fragile self-esteem. Stephans sense of his own
9 badness limited his life choices and prevented him from seeking
2011 out a partner with whom he could share his life. Justins sense of
1 inadequacy led him to over-compensate; the veneer of confidence
2 papered over the cracks of a very shaky sense of self-worth.
3
4
5 The true nature of healthy self-esteem: taking a closer look
6
7 Healthy self-esteem enables us to live with purpose and confidence,
8 but its qualities can be difficult to pin down. What would you see
9 as the key ingredients? Use the next exercise to guide you.
30
1
Exercise 36. The ingredients of healthy self-esteem
2
311 Think of someone you know personally, whom you would regard
4 as having high self-esteem, then answer the following questions in
5 your learning log.
6
711 What leads you to believe they have high self-esteem?
8 How do they behave towards themselves and others?
9 How do they conduct themselves in their daily lives?
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111 How do you feel when you spend time with them?
2 Based on your assessment of that person, what would you see
3 as being the key ingredients of robust self-esteem?
4
5 Now think of someone you know personally, whom you would
6 judge as having low self-esteem, and answer the following ques-
7 tions.
8
9 What leads you to believe they have low self-esteem?
1011 How do they behave towards themselves and others?
1 How do they conduct themselves in their daily lives?
2 How do you feel when you spend time with them?
3 Based on your assessment of that person, what would you see
4 as being the warning signs of low self-esteem?
5
6 There is a growing interest in self-esteem and a flourishing liter-
7 ature on how to build it. Much of this literature is very helpful,
8 but it can sometimes be easy to come away with the idea that the
9 higher your self-esteem, the happier and more successful you will
2011 be. Or even that if you believe in yourself enough you can conquer
1 the world . . .
2 While positive self-belief is a wonderful, empowering quality,
3 there is a serious problem with buying into a belief that our limi-
4 tations exist solely inside our own heads and that with enough self-
5 belief we can achieve anything, as Justin found out to his cost.
6 Healthy self-esteem is not about acquiring unshakable self-belief
7 that will lead us to giddy heights of success. Nor is it about becom-
8 ing so self-absorbed that we become self-satisfied and smug (weve
9 all met people who are so convinced of their own self-importance
30 that they are unbearable to be around remember the mythical
1 god Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection).
2 As psychologists Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs suggest,
311 healthy self-esteem consists of two key elements: (1) a sense of self-
4 efficacy that is, a faith in our abilities, competencies, and skills;
5 trusting ourselves to handle lifes challenges and a belief that our
6 efforts can make a difference to the world and (2) a sense of self-
711 worth a positive, yet flexible and realistic self-evaluation, a deep-
8 felt sense that we are essentially decent and appreciating our worth
911 while acknowledging our limitations.
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111 we try to achieve. The outcome of all this jostling has a powerful
2 affect on how we decide to act. Which small self wins? And what
3 is the price we pay?
4 In his research on self-to-self relating, Professor Paul Gilbert
5 identifies two types of self-relating that are critical to understand-
6 ing the true nature of self-esteem: (1) a hostile dominant self lead-
7 ing to the fearful, subordinated self, and (2) a caring empathic self
8 leading to a sense of being respected and cared for. The relation-
9 ship between these different parts of ourselves gets played out
1011 in our inner dialogue and the impact of this dialogue on our
1 emotions, choices and actions.
2 The style of self-relating is critical to understand because, as
3 Paul Gilbert explains, it actually triggers physiological changes in
4 the brain. When your inner critic bullies you, the effect on the
5 brain is the same as if someone was literally bullying you: it stim-
6 ulates neural pathways that create bodily tension (remember the
7 fight-or-flight response?), fear, and self-doubt. But for all its draw-
8 backs, self-criticism isnt necessarily what it seems. In order to build
9 healthy self-esteem, we first need to understand what our internal
2011 critic is trying to tell us.
1
2
3 What is your self-criticism trying to tell you?
4
5 Many self-esteem programmes recommend trying to ignore the
6 internal critic, or even conquering it into submission. But if we do
7 this, we are in danger of overlooking something important. First,
8 having negative beliefs about ourselves or our competencies is not
9 necessarily a bad thing. It can, if we know how to use it, lead us
30 to self-correct, make us work harder, or try alternative (and more
1 beneficial) strategies. Second, even when it is clearly unhelpful,
2 your inner critic is actually working hard on your behalf. True, its
311 efforts may be counterproductive but its intention is none the less
4 a noble one.
5 Very often, when we take a closer look at the inner critic, we
6 find that it is fighting a battle that was over a long time ago. This
711 may be a battle from childhood, adolescence, or even sometime
8 during your adulthood. Like the Japanese soldiers who were dis-
911 covered marooned on an island and could not accept that the
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111 Second World War had ended, so, too, the inner critic is deter-
2 mined to continue fighting a battle that is over.
3 Recognizing this was the key to helping Justin make changes to
4 how he lived his life. When we looked beneath the veneer of his
5 false confidence we discovered that his inner critic believed that
6 Justin simply wasnt good enough. His internal critic was issuing a
7 dire warning: Bully or be bullied. Pull the wool over everyones
8 eyes or be exposed as a fraud.
9 Justin had been badly bullied at school, and when he had
1011 attempted to confide in his parents, his father had accused him
1 of being weak for not fighting back. It seemed to Justin that he had
2 lost both the respect of his peers and his parents, and that to show
3 vulnerability was a sign of intolerable weakness. He vowed that
4 from then on, however much he was hurting, he would never let
5 on. The world would see him as strong and capable. The inter-
6 nal critic that led him to bully others was in fact trying to pro-
7 tect him from the most terrible catastrophe: the shame that
8 would come from failing and having others ridicule him for his
9 inadequacy.
2011 Recognizing this battle helped Justin make sense of how he
1 behaved towards his wife and his colleagues, as well as his worka-
2 holism. He kept himself emotionally distant from his wife for fear
3 that if she got too close she would encounter his more vulnerable
4 side and reject him. Similarly, bullying others at work was an
5 attempt to prove his strength. And in terms of his work patterns,
6 he explained that, If I work fewer hours, I just wont get the sales,
7 and then I wont be any different from anyone else. It was as
8 though he needed to work twice as hard and achieve twice as much
9 to be recognized as just as good as everyone else.
30 If you have a very active inner critic, see if you can identify the
1 life experiences that taught you to feel this way. What is its
2 crusade? Table 8 shows some examples that I commonly encounter
311 in my work with clients. See if any of them apply to you.
4 As you get to know your inner critic, youll discover that it is
5 actually rather anxious and over-burdened, trying to offer protec-
6 tion from the catastrophes it believes will befall you if you stretch
711 yourself beyond your capabilities or ask for too much. Like all
8 anxious and over-burdened aspects of ourselves, the best way to
9 respond is by working with it rather than against it, understanding
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111
2 Exercise 37. Get to know your inner critic
3 What does your inner critic tell you about the kind of person
4 that you are?
5 What is the battle that your internal critic is still fighting?
6 When and how did the battle begin?
7 From what is your internal critic trying to protect you now?
8 What does your inner critic fear would happen if you had
9 faith in yourself and trusted your competencies?
1011
1 Spend some time studying your answers. What do they tell you?
2 Is your internal critic helping you get the most out of life? If not,
3 what would be a more compassionate and balanced perspective
4 that might create new possibilities for a more self-respectful
5 attitude?
6 Your inner critic may be trying to help you, but, as weve seen,
7 it has problems discriminating between current challenges and past
8 battles. And lets face it, if its dire warnings were accurate, youd
9 probably have life sorted by now! The problem with self-criticism
2011 is, as self-esteem expert Dr Melanie Fennell explains, that it does-
1 nt give you any clues on what you need to do differently. However,
2 it is possible to get the benefits the internal critic promises you
3 without getting caught up in all its negativity.
4
5
6 Towards robust self-esteem: getting to know yourself anew
7
8 Healthy self-esteem is an ongoing project, not something that you
9 achieve once and for all. Building self-esteem involves having a
30 realistic, flexible, respectful relationship with yourself that recog-
1 nizes your human frailties and your shadow sides as well as your
2 talents, strengths, and resourcefulness. Note that the aim is not to
311 endorse yourself regardless of how you behave, but to nurture a
4 mature self-awareness in which you honour your feelings and
5 behave with respect towards yourself and others. Healthy self-
6 esteem also requires us to take full responsibility for all the differ-
711 ent parts of ourselves, including those parts we find less appealing
8 or from which we might otherwise seek to flee. Any parts of
9 ourselves we do not trust or that hurt us (including the inner critic)
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111 need to be invited back into our lives with kindly concern and
2 gentle, but firm, handling.
3
4 Exercise 38. Imagine the future
5
6 How would your life be different if you had optimally healthy self-
7 esteem? (Remember we are talking here about healthy self-accep-
8 tance, not believing youre invincible.)
9 How would you live differently?
1011 How would you implement your Mission?
1 What Attitudes would you have?
2 What goals would you set yourself?
3 How would your relationships change?
4 What sort of worklife balance would you have?
5 How you would you take care of your health?
6
7 Pay careful attention to the impact of your answers. Do you feel
8 excited and energized, or anxious and doubtful? Is your internal
9 critic threatened by the prospect of you developing a new rela-
2011 tionship with yourself, or does this feel like an intriguing possibil-
1 ity? Observe any of the internal critics objections gently but
2 objectively. Do they contain any exaggerations or distortions in
3 thinking? Is it possible that these objections are themselves built
4 upon a house of cards? Reframe them as you learnt to do in
5 Principle No. 10, while being sure to thank your inner critic for its
6 valiant (if misguided) efforts on your behalf.
7 One of the keys to healthy self-esteem is to learn to be true to
8 our sense of who we are, rather than trying to live up to someone
9 elses version of you. Trainer and author Nick Williams points out
30 that so much of our struggle in life is based on trying to secure the
1 approval of others and to measure up to some idealized view of
2 how we should be imposed on us by others or ourselves. Jack
311 Kornfield agrees. In order to build truly respectful and self-respect-
4 ful self-esteem, he advocates the value of the Buddhist practice of
5 inquiring into who we think we are. The purpose, he reminds us,
6 is not to get us locked into self-interrogation but rather to help us
711 let go of old beliefs that no longer serve us. Once released from the
8 burdens of these old stories, we can allow ourselves to become
911 eccentric that is, to revel in our uniqueness.
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111 If you rewrote your criteria at this point in your life, on what
2 would you base your self-esteem?
3
4 Whose formula of being a worthwhile person have you
5 followed so far?
6 What have been the results good and bad?
7 What drives you to conform to it now?
8 What would happen if you replaced it with a formula of your
9 own choosing? What if you tried to stop being the perfect
1011 employee, spouse, parent, friend, professional and made a
1 commitment to being your own, unique, eccentric self?
2
3 Another key to robust self-esteem is to avoid the trap of basing
4 your self-esteem on something outside of your control. This might
5 include achieving a particular position or job title at work (you
6 could be made redundant or someone may be promoted over you);
7 the amount of money you have (you could become unemployed,
8 get sick, or the stock market could crash); your physical appear-
9 ance (bodies age, health status varies, and appearances change) or
2011 being in a relationship (relationships break down and separations
1 are inevitable). Of course, there is nothing wrong with taking pride
2 in these things, and when they go well they can enrich our lives
3 immeasurably. But when you base your sense of worth upon
4 having them, you are vulnerable. Try instead basing your self-
5 esteem on your authenticity and uniqueness, your signature
6 strengths, your sense of meaning or your courage, a cause you
7 believe in or your faith in a higher power in other words some-
8 thing that puts you on a much surer footing.
9
30
1 Behaving your way to healthy self-esteem
2
311 Imagine you had a coach mentoring you on your self-esteem from
4 the moment you got up in the morning until the moment you
5 went to bed. What would your coach say? What specific advice
6 would they give you for managing events throughout the day?
711 A good coach combines total commitment to your goals with
8 an appreciation of your strengths and talents, suggestions for
9 action and honest feedback. Becoming this type of self-coach is a
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111 you were in fact, true? How would you behave differently? Dress
2 differently? Organize your time differently? Respond to others
3 requests differently? Write your responses in your learning log.
4 Now, here comes the challenge! Just as an experiment, take one
5 day in the next week and treat yourself in the way that you would
6 if you truly saw yourself in the way that this other person sees you.
7 This may feel like a real stretch but dont be tempted to avoid this
8 part of the exercise. After all, you are not committing yourself to a
9 life of change; you are just undertaking an experiment to notice
1011 the impact of seeing yourself through a different lens. And, ulti-
1 mately, thats what improving self-esteem is all about . . .
2
3
4 The take home message
5
6 Healthy self-esteem is not about having unshakable confidence in
7 yourself or your abilities. It is about developing a mature self-
8 awareness that allows you to better co-ordinate the many mini-
9 selves that make up your relationship with yourself.
2011 However you see yourself today will be the outcome of all the
1 experiences, knowledge, assumptions, and ideas you have built up
2 over a lifetime. As we have seen, self-esteem is not a static state; it
3 can never be a definitive judgement about your worth, but repre-
4 sents a platform for viewing yourself and your potential that allows
5 for the creation of new possibilities in your life.
6 If your self-esteem rests on shaky foundations, like Stephan or
7 Justin, it will need to be a special focus of your coaching journey
8 and it may take months of steady, committed work before you
9 notice a difference. But be persistent: your efforts will pay off and
30 the rewards are well worthwhile.
1 Ultimately, there is nothing and no one that can make you feel
2 complete. That task has been assigned to you and you alone. But,
311 by reclaiming this quest, you may discover that you no longer need
4 to be constrained by the person whom you think you are. If,
5 however, you need some additional support while you embark
6 upon your quest of discovery, try the suggestions in the coaching
711 tool box.
8 A life well lived involves encountering many disappointments as
911 well as many successes. If you become ensnared in the trap of fear,
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111 through life and enables you to act on the world. This chapter is
2 dedicated to that part of you that can easily get overlooked: your
3 physical self and the needs of the body.
4 Good health is often something we take for granted until it is
5 taken from us, or someone we love falls sick. How often, for exam-
6 ple, do you stop what you are doing and check in with your body
7 to see how it feels? How often do you ask it what it needs? And
8 how often do you take the trouble to say thank you for everything
9 it enables you to accomplish? If youre like most people, probably
1011 not too often.
1 We live in the age of the mind. In the Western world, the intel-
2 lect rules the heart, rationality is favoured over romance, and we
3 no longer see the body as a source of wisdom in its own right.
4 These priorities make it easy to view the body as little more than
5 an instrument that carries out our instructions, or as an undisci-
6 plined part of ourselves that needs to be dieted, exercised, or other-
7 wise controlled into submission. Both perspectives create
8 difficulties: the first leads us to neglect our physical well-being; the
9 second causes us to be at war with our bodies.
2011 Many people with whom I work have developed a distorted
1 relationship with their physical selves such that their bodies have
2 become a battleground. They may live in a state of constant fear
3 that they are about to develop a serious illness; their bodies may
4 finally be rebelling against years of neglect, or they may simply
5 dislike what they see when they look in the mirror.
6
7
8 Brionys story
9 Briony was typical of too many young women I see. A beautiful,
30 vivacious, and highly intelligent young woman, Briony could not
1 bear to look at herself in the mirror because what she saw appalled
2 her. I tried to imagine what she must be seeing, struggling to unite
311 her self-perception with the striking woman who sat opposite me.
4 Im just so fat and ugly, she told me. She was neither of these
5 things, but I knew that my pointing this out wouldnt help her right
6 then.
711 Is there anything about yourself you do like? I asked, looking
8 for exceptions to her global self-condemnation. No, she said,
911 without a moments hesitation.
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111 Tell me more about what you see when you look at yourself in
2 the mirror, I asked her. And so we began, with Briony going to
3 some lengths to convince me of all the imperfections with which
4 her reflection confronted her . . .
5
6
7 Waynes story
8
9 Wayne had no problem with how he looked. But he was terrified
1011 of what is going on inside his body. His worries about his health
1 had come and gone for years, but just recently he had begun expe-
2 riencing unexplained physical sensations that he feared were signs
3 of cancer. All the doctors (and he had seen many) have told him
4 that there was nothing wrong with him and the multiple test
5 results appeared to confirm this. But Wayne was still worried.
6 I asked him why he has come to see a psychologist. He paused.
7 Deep down I know Ive become obsessed with my health, he told
8 me. Its the first thing I think about every morning and the last
9 thing I think about at night. Im not sure I believe the doctors
2011 when they tell me nothing is wrong, but I do know that every new
1 symptom shoots my anxiety into orbit. I cant go on like this.
2 Wayne saw his body as a walking time-bomb and each day felt
3 compelled to check himself for signs of disease, whether it was
4 looking for lumps, checking the colour of his tongue, or taking his
5 pulse. The problem was, the more carefully he looked for bodily
6 changes, the more he tended to find . . .
7
8
9 How do you feel about your body?
30
1 Many of us have a difficult relationship with our bodies at some
2 point in our lives. We would like to be taller or shorter, slimmer
311 or more curvy, leaner or more muscular. Or, if we are dealing with
4 illness, we would like a healthier body or perhaps a different body
5 altogether. Our lists of dissatisfactions are endless. Indeed, entire
6 industries have been built around the conflicted relationships we
711 have with our physical selves: from beauty salons to Botox injec-
8 tions, slimming clubs to plastic surgery, we are prepared to sacri-
9 fice time, money even our health to iron out our physical flaws.
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111 But we all know that this preoccupation can go too far. High
2 profile cases reported in the media remind us how people can
3 become caricatures of their former selves through undergoing too
4 many self-improvement procedures. And this is no longer solely
5 the prerogative of the celebrities who adorn our magazines.
6 Recently, I read an article in a local newspaper that reported an
7 alarming increase in people doing DIY plastic surgery. When we
8 get to the stage where we think it is acceptable to carve into our
9 own bodies, something has gone terribly wrong.
1011 I do not know what your health status is. Nor do I know what
1 you see when you look in the mirror. But, whatever your circum-
2 stances, if you are unhappy with your physical self your journey in
3 life will always be hampered by this extra burden. In this chapter,
4 I want to help you make peace with your physical self and appre-
5 ciate your body for the extraordinary phenomenon that it is.
6
7
Exercise 40. How do you feel about your body?
8
9 Begin by reflecting on how you feel about your body right now.
2011 Do you like it or loathe it? See it as friend or foe? Respect it or
1 misuse it? Write your reactions in your learning log.
2 Now copy the statements listed on the facing page into your
3 learning log, and tick the appropriate column for each statement.
4 If you ticked Mostly true of me for the majority of the ques-
5 tions in Exercise 40, then you have a happy, healthy relationship
6 with your body that is based on self-respect. If, however, you found
7 yourself drawn to the Rarely or Never true of me responses, your
8 relationship with your body needs some fine-tuning.
9
30
1 Reconnecting with the physical self
2
311 In our society, we have a very strange relationship to the body. By
4 turns, we worship it, make a fetish out of it, attempt to control it
5 and condemn it. But rarely do we listen to it, attend to it, experi-
6 ence it, and honour it.
711 When it comes to having a happy, healthy relationship with
8 your physical self, you need to be able to inhabit and experience
911 what is, rather than relating to the body through the filter of your
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111 her filters that enabled she and I to arrive at totally different
2 conclusions about her attractiveness.
3 Wayne, in contrast, saw his body through the filter of a story
4 about his vulnerability to disease. He would catastrophise physical
5 sensations in the absence of supporting evidence, fortune-tell him-
6 self into a future that had him dying and had an inability to discon-
7 firm his worst fears (hence the fact he took no comfort in the medical
8 tests that repeatedly concluded he was a fit and healthy man).
9 Take a moment to reflect on your own filters as reflected in your
1011 fundamental assumptions and beliefs about physical well-being.
1 Use the questions in Exercise 41 to guide you, and write the
2 answers in your learning log.
3
4
Exercise 41. Identify your assumptions about health
5
and well-being
6
7 What assumptions and beliefs do you have about your body,
8 health, and illness?
9 To what extent do you see your health as being under
2011 your own control or due to factors over which you can
1 exert little or no control?
2 How do you imagine the inside of your body looks?
3 What image do you have of your external appearance?
4 Where do your assumptions and beliefs come from? What
5 experiences, people, and events have helped shape these ideas?
6 How do these assumptions and beliefs empower you? In what
7 ways do they nurture your relationship with your body?
8 How do these assumptions and beliefs disempower you? In
9 what ways do they undermine your relationship with your
30 body?
1
2 The purpose of identifying your assumptions and beliefs is not
311 to determine whether or not they are correct. It is to help you
4 understand that your beliefs shape your reality through creating
5 the filters by which you come to experience your body. Looking at
6 your answers to the questions in Exercise 41, can you see any
711 assumptions or beliefs that it would now be helpful to discard? Any
8 beliefs that involve global judgements that are examples of toxic
911 thinking? Write any thoughts in your learning log.
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111
2 1.
3 Acceptance
4
5
6
7
8
9 3. Sustaining a 4.
1011 Internal healthy External
experience relationship appearance
1 with your
body
2
3
4
5
6
7
2.
8 Change
9
2011
1
2 Figure 4. The wheel of well-being.
3
4 other relates to the dimension of Internal ExperienceExternal
5 Appearance. Each one, when attended to and held in balance with
6 the others, provides a route back to a healthy relationship with
7 your body.
8
9
30 The dimension of acceptancechange
1
2 This dimension is concerned with managing the tension between
311 accepting what is not amenable to change, and changing those
4 areas that you can. For example, if you have a large bone structure,
5 assuming that you can slim yourself into a size zero is confusing
6 what is and isnt in your sphere of control. Alternatively, if you are
711 managing chronic pain, to keep searching for a cure merely accen-
8 tuates the discrepancy between where you are and where you want
911 to be and creates more distress in the process.
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111 Spend a moment studying this part of your body, as though you
2 are seeing it for the first time. As best you can, suspend any judge-
3 ments in favour of what is actually there. Examine it from all
4 angles until you feel you really know this part of your body its
5 colour and tone, its texture, shape, and size. Now gently begin to
6 move that part of your body so you can observe it in action. How
7 does it move? What can it do? What sensations accompany its
8 movements? As best you can, connect with the bodys experience
9 of movement, without piling on the judgement.
1011 When you have had some experience of this exercise, move on
1 to a more emotive part of your body a part of you that stirs up
2 some degree of uneasiness or criticism. Can you observe this part
3 of you with the same impartiality? Notice its colour, texture and
4 movement as though encountering it for the first time. Can you
5 really get to know this part of your body without resorting to
6 judgements about good and bad?
7 Gradually build your skills in impartial observation until you
8 can look at all of you in a full-length mirror. See if you can observe
9 the whole of your body now with the same impartiality. Can you
2011 welcome all of you, just as you are? See if you can visually scan the
1 body noticing the different shades and textures, curves and straight
2 areas that make up your body. Notice any judgements that get in
3 the way and see if you can gently put them to one side so you can
4 observe what is really present not what your mind tells you is
5 present.
6
7
Helpful hint. This can be quite an emotive exercise to begin
8
with, but with practice it will get easier and help you grow
9 towards a more peaceful and harmonious relationship with
30 your physical self.
1
2
311
Changing what no longer works
4
5 At the opposite end of the dimension from acceptance, is change.
6 If you can free yourself from the tyranny of critical judgement, you
711 can see the body through fresh eyes. Instead of good and bad or
8 right or wrong, you are free to tune into your bodys wisdom to
911 discover any areas that might need some attention. If you listen
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111 closely, your body will tell you the ways in which it is thriving,
2 ways in which it is struggling, and the role you have played in
3 bringing about these outcomes. Without judgement and condem-
4 nation, you are able to start working with your body and able to
5 think about its needs sensitively and creatively.
6
7
Exercise 43. Dialoguing with the body
8
9 Close your eyes and take a few gentle, slow breaths. When you are
1011 ready, think about all the demands you place upon your body every
1 day.
2 If your body could talk, what would it say? Thank you for
3 taking care of me? I need a break? Im breaking down? Are there
4 any messages that your body is trying to give you at the moment,
5 through experiences of pressure, pain, fatigue, or a general feeling
6 of uneasiness? Would your body alert you to anything it needs
7 more or less of? Would it recommend a change of lifestyle? An
8 alteration to your diet? Would any particular part of your body
9 want to draw your attention to misuse or neglect? (It may feel
2011 strange to think about entering into a dialogue with your physical
1 self, but do your best to override any intellectual objections). Write
2 any advice in your learning log.
3 If you were able to engage with the process, Exercise 43 proba-
4 bly alerted you to some areas that require your attention. Changes
5 may include letting go of old habits around use of alcohol and
6 caffeine, overworking, or even biting your nails. They might
7 involve shedding stories about your body that you have now
8 outgrown, or revising your self-care routines. They may even mean
9 re-committing yourself to following medical advice for a particu-
30 lar condition.
1 What changes would it be most helpful to implement right
2 now? Are they big changes or small ones? Would they require
311 major upheavals to your life or minor adjustments? Letting go of
4 bad habits or acquiring new ones? Can you imagine what it would
5 be like having achieved these? (When it comes to making changes
6 and identifying suitable goals, watch out for any toxic thinking
711 that tells you change is impossible, or idealized assumptions that
8 changing this one area will transform your life). Write your
9 thoughts in your learning log.
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111 Helpful hint. For great tips on enhancing your motivation, try
2 re-reading Principle No. 12, particularly if you have found it
3 difficult to make changes in the past.
4
5
6 Internal experienceexternal appearance
7
8 It is one thing to know that something needs to change, but quite
9 another to know where to pitch your efforts: is it the inside that
1011 needs attending to, or the outside?
1 The dimension of Internal ExperienceExternal Appearance is
2 concerned with achieving a balance between taking care of the
3 inside and creating a positive image on the outside. For example,
4 it is no good attempting to manipulate your external appearance if
5 something on the inside is screaming for attention. Similarly,
6 neglecting the image you present to the world is to miss out on an
7 important opportunity for expressing your uniqueness and your
8 imaginative potential.
9 In the Wheel of Well-Being, Internal Experience refers to
2011 anything that has an impact on the inside of the body, including
1 what you choose to eat and drink, how you protect yourself from
2 pollution, taking medication, and seeking medical advice when
3 you know something is wrong. Attending to Internal Experience is
4 about listening to your body and, in this sense, involves the two of
5 you working in genuine partnership. External Appearance, in
6 contrast, is concerned with elements of our behaviour that support
7 or undermine the bodys expression as well as how we present our
8 body to the world through the way we dress.
9
30
Tuning into internal experience
1
2 In Chapter Twenty-two, I introduced you to a tool called the
311 Weekly Activity Diary. To recap, the Weekly Activity Diary gives
4 you a birds-/eye view of exactly what you are doing and when.
5 This tool will help you identify exactly what you are putting into
6 your body so that you can decide whether any changes are needed.
711 Have a look at the diary sheet at the end of this chapter. To work
8 out if you need to make any changes to your Internal Experience,
911 Id like you to keep a record of everything that goes in to your body
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111 over the next week. Youll see that the day is split into hourly
2 segments. When you eat or drink something, when you exercise, go
3 for a massage, take medication or supplements, or do anything else
4 designed to have an internal impact, write it down in the allotted
5 space. For example, if you had two slices of toast between 7 and 8
6 a.m., write them in the relevant box. If you had a coffee at 9 a.m.
7 and again at 11 a.m., write these in also. A cigarette break at 2 p.m.
8 should go in the relevant box, and so on. Anything you do that has
9 an impact on the inside of your body needs to be included.
1011 Once you know exactly what is going into the body, youre in a
1 stronger position to revise those areas that need to be changed.
2
3 Exercise 44. Your weekly inputs health check
4
5 Keep your diary for a week and see what you notice. How many
6 inputs to your body preserve or enhance your physical well-being?
7 How many do not enhance your well-being? Notice what is
8 present and absent in your record: episodes of over-eating or meals
9 skipped and replaced with coffee, cigarettes, or alcohol? Too little
2011 sleep or too much? Lack of exercise or a forceful physical regime?
Once you have a clear picture, answer the following questions.
1
2 What does your body need more of?
3 What does your body need less of?
4 Are there any habits you want to introduce into your life?
5 Are there any habits its time to let go of?
6
7 Remember, the purpose of this exercise is not necessarily to
8 instruct you in the principles of good dietary habits or to advise
9 you to reduce your alcohol. The aim is to look across your inputs
30 as a whole and decide how you can develop a happier, more
1 respectful relationship with your physical self. If there are any areas
2 relating to your Internal Experience that you would like to change,
311 see if you can identify some SMART goals, as you learned in
4 Principle No. 9.
5
6
Taking care of the outside
711
8 As people change how they relate to and care for their bodies, its
9 not uncommon to find that changes in image or self-presentation
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111 follow. Today, the whole of idea of external appearance has become
2 fraught with complications. When we think about changing our
3 external appearance, we often think about ideal images of the body
4 conveyed through the media, which highlight the discrepancy
5 between how we actually look and how we would like to look. In
6 this way, our desire to look good can easily become distorted and
7 disconnected from our authentic selves. We assume that managing
8 the outward impression can replace the work we need to do on the
9 inside and, like Briony, worry constantly about our appearance. Or
1011 we simply never pay enough attention to how we look because its
1 too far down our list of priorities.
2 But, used wisely, self-image including fashion, accessories, and
3 cosmetics can engage our imagination, our creativity, and our
4 sense of possibility in new and exciting ways. Our external appear-
5 ance provides a means of cultivating a personal style that is every
6 inch an expression of the authentic self and that enhances our rela-
7 tionship with our bodies.
8 I have a friend who feels beautiful whenever she wears baby blue.
9 It is not that she has an intellectual sense of this colour suiting her
2011 complexion. She actually experiences her body differently. She feels
1 more energized and more beautiful not in a superficial sense but
2 at a deep and authentic level. Wearing baby blue resonates with
3 some part of her that needs and enjoys expression. In the same way,
4 your body is a canvas on which you can express aspects of your
5 Mission, through which you convey your Attitude and around
6 which you can design a Process for optimum effectiveness.
7 I came across a wonderful example of this a couple of years
8 ago, when I visited a Museum called the World of WearableArt
9 in New Zealand. The museum houses the most extraordinary exhi-
30 bitions that pushed my understanding of fashion to the limit. The
1 designers innovative combinations of colours, textures, and mate-
2 rials (including surprising artefacts such as common household
311 items) were so obviously a celebration of the human body. But
4 their designs were also a challenge to see the body in a new way.
5 Through defying conventional ideas about style, the exhibits
6 engaged the imagination of its visitors, encouraging us to see the
711 body as a canvas upon which to represent, experiment and invent.
8 There was something about the spirit of the collection that cap-
911 tures the essence of what you are aiming for. Creating personalized
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111 images are far from becoming a slave to fashion they are about
2 honouring what is on the inside by giving it expression on the
3 outside.
4 You, too, have a personal style that, if given space for expres-
5 sion, can allow you to deepen your relationship with your body. It
6 may be something as simple as wearing baby blue, like my friend.
7 Or it may be choosing particular textures over others. If you are a
8 woman, it may be through wearing make-up or no make-up. If
9 you are a man, it might involve reviewing and revising the colours
1011 or style of clothing youve always worn in the past.
1 Of course, there may be times when you want to create a
2 specific image for strategic purposes: for example, dressing a certain
3 way for a job interview, power dressing in order to boost your
4 confidence during a presentation or meeting, or looking your best
5 in order to impress someone you are dating. There is nothing
6 wrong with cultivating a particular image, or subtly changing that
7 image for a particular purpose. Indeed, adjusting ones style of
8 dress is often interpreted by others as a sign of respect, such as
9 when we follow a dress code for a formal dinner, or wear black at
2011 a funeral. However, what matters is keeping your choices consis-
1 tent with who you are and what you want to express.
2
3 Exercise 45. Designing your new image
4
5 Think about the Mission, Attitude, and Process that have emerged
6 from all the work you have done in the previous chapters. If you
7 were to express these through your external appearance, how
would you look? What sort of style would you want to cultivate,
8
as an expression of your authenticity? Specifically:
9
30 how would you dress?
1 would your approach to personal grooming change?
2 how would your new style allow your body more expression
311 in your life?
4 if you were living your Mission, what would optimum physi-
5 cal attractiveness look like for you (e.g., casual or cultured?
6 Slim or well-built)?
711
8 Spend some time thinking this through and then see what images
9 emerge. Elaborate your image in detail in your learning log.
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111 Helpful hint. if this feels like a real challenge, spend some time
2 gathering images from magazines and observing the images
3 that other people have created for themselves. Identify any
4 people who have a sense of style that you admire. The aim is
5 not to copy someone elses image, of course, but to open up a
6 channel for your own creative thinking.
7
8
Once you have created an image, spend a few weeks reflecting
9
on and refining it before implementing any changes. You want to
1011
avoid any sudden dramatic changes and aim for something that
1
will help you to feel more comfortable in your own skin. Think
2
about how it will actually feel to present yourself to the world in
3
this way. Are there any concerns or objections? If so, see if you can
4
identify what these are before proceeding. And remember, this is
5
all about experimentation your image will evolve over the years
6
as a function of your changing self.
7
8
9
Take home message
2011
1 You only have one body so it makes sense to make peace with it.
2 But achieving a balance between acceptance and change, internal
3 experience and external appearance is often harder than it seems.
4 Our bodies are in a constant state of flux, and so creating an opti-
5 mum relationship with our physical selves is an ongoing project
6 rather than a finite goal.
7 Changing aspects of your physical appearance or body-related
8 behaviour is great, but only if it comes from a place of self-respect.
9 Attempting to make changes on a blame and shame basis rarely
30 pays dividends in the long-term (as many dieters will tell you).
1 Change is most accessible to us when we can recognize and shed
2 the influence of concepts we hold about the body and learn what
311 it feels like when it is hungry and when it is full, when it is tense
4 and when it is relaxed, when it is tired and when it is alert. Keeping
5 a clear perception of what is and isnt possible frees you to make
6 any necessary changes without the added burden of judgement and
711 condemnation.
8 If your physical appearance is a personal stumbling block, I
911 hope there are quite a few ideas in this chapter that can get you
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111 what about those who produce the food you eat and who train the
2 doctors that know how to treat you when you are ill? The web gets
3 larger and larger the more you look until you come to the
4 inevitable conclusion that everyone is connected with everyone
5 else. And this is before you even begin to think about how you
6 touch the lives of others . . .
7 Yet, for all that they can add to our well-being, our relationships
8 are one of the most complex parts of our lives. They demand time,
9 attention, and emotional energy, but offer no guarantee of a
1011 return. We have all been in situations where someone we saw as a
1 good friend behaves in a way that leaves us wondering whether we
2 ever knew them at all. Or someone we saw as a distant acquain-
3 tance proves themselves to be a true friend at a time of adversity.
4 Even when our relationships seem to be going smoothly, there is
5 an in-built element of unpredictability. At times we feel totally at
6 one with those we love; there is passion in our connection and a
7 closeness that feels strong enough to move mountains. At other
8 times, the relationship can feel mundane or even stale.
9 Relationships are organic. They cannot (and should not) remain
2011 static but are highly sensitive to the tides of life and the individual
1 as well as shared journeys we undertake. Shortly before I got
2 married, I remember asking a colleague for any last minute advice.
3 He thought long and hard before replying. Marriage is a bit like
4 the owl and pussycat, he said. You get into your little boat and
5 sail away. Sometimes its all plain sailing and things are just great.
6 But at other times it can get pretty choppy and then you find your-
7 selves gripping on to the sides of the boat for dear life. But you stay
8 in the boat and keeping sailing, none the less, because thats what
9 its all about.
30 Over the years, his words have stayed with me, because he
1 summed up something important about the essence of good rela-
2 tionships. They are not about plain sailing. They are about stick-
311 ing together through thick and thin at least until you know for
4 certain that its time to abandon ship. It can be all too easy to want
5 to stay with those feelings that are comfortable and easy. But that
6 is not where the substance really lies. The true substance of rela-
711 tionships comprises much tougher stuff and is to be found within
8 the deep and uncomfortable process of discovering one anothers
9 vulnerabilities.
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111 After the first two months, Mark began to get an uneasy feeling
2 about the partnership. Sams list of business contacts had evapo-
3 rated and he seemed to lack knowledge of areas that Mark saw as
4 fundamental to the business. Mark began to wonder how much of
5 Sams CV was actually true and berated himself for not looking
6 into Sams employment history and credentials more carefully . . .
7
8
Tinas story
9
1011 When she first came to see me, Tinas self-esteem was shaky, to say
1 the least. Several months of hard work had improved her relation-
2 ship with herself beyond all recognition. However, there was a
3 stumbling block: her closest friend, Alison. Tina spent a lot of time
4 with Alison and would consult her before making any major deci-
5 sion. Alison was equally forthcoming with her views on how Tina
6 should improve her life and would often criticize Tina for falling
7 short.
8 Alison professed to only be concerned for Tinas well-being.
9 But her concern came with a high price tag. In order to remain
2011 close to her, Tina had to subject herself her to constant put-downs.
1 As Tinas self-belief became more robust, the relationship was start-
2 ing to look less attractive.
3 I asked Tina to focus on how she felt when she was with Alison.
4 Small inside, like I am shrinking, she said. I asked her where she
5 felt it in her body. She replied, I get a sinking feeling in my stom-
6 ach. My mind feels all fuzzy, as though my brain has seized up.
7 Tina had assumed that these signs were proof that she was inade-
8 quate in some way. But when I encouraged her to listen to them
9 more carefully, she began to appreciate that her feelings were
30 telling her something important.
1 These two stories are very different, but they highlight a key
2 point: very often, when things arent right, deep down we know it.
311 The same may be true for you, too. If you stop trying to rationalise
4 away your doubts and fears, do you experience any uncomfortable
5 feelings in the body in the presence of certain people that may be
6 a warning sign?
711 When you meet someone for the first time, and get to know
8 them in the weeks to come, check out how you feel when you
9 are with them. Be particularly alert to any extreme emotions,
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111 sensations, or beliefs about them. Look out for any tell-tale signs
2 of uneasiness, anxiety, or sense of inadequacy in yourself or a
3 tendency to view the other person as wonderful, superior, or as
4 someone whom you should try to impress.
5 For some good indicators of whether a relationship is good or
6 bad for you, use Exercise 47 below.
7
8 Exercise 47. Key signs of a good relationship
9
1011 Think about a current relationship: intimate, social, or profes-
1 sional. It can be one you are thinking about developing or one you
2 have already. Copy the following questions into your learning log
3 and answer them by ticking the response that feels most true of
4 this relationship for you.
5
6 Yes, definitely Not sure No
7 1. Do I feel respected by this person?
8 (Or are there subtle put-downs in
9 the form of supposed advice or
2011 concern?) ! ! !
1 2. Does this person value me for
2 who I am? (Or are they constantly
3 trying to change me?) ! ! !
3. Can I be myself with this person?
4 (Or am I constantly trying to be
5 someone I am not, in order to
6 impress them?) ! ! !
7 4. Can I express my wishes and
8 opinions openly? (Or do I
9 constantly sacrifice my own
30 views and preferences to please
1 them, when this is not true of
2 me generally?) ! ! !
5. Is our relationship reciprocal? (Or
311
is one of us working much harder
4
than the other?) ! ! !
5 6. Do I feel as if I have something
6 to offer this relationship? (Or does
711 the other person give the impression
8 that they are doing me a big favour
911 by spending time with me?) ! ! !
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111 Another useful exercise, which can also help you navigate the
2 ebb and flow of relationships, is what I call The Golden Rules
3 exercise.
4
5
6 What are your golden rules?
7
8 When I am working with someone who suspects they are caught
9 up in a negative relationship pattern, I always ask about their
1011 golden rules.
1 Golden rules are about expressing, in very clear terms, the
2 circumstances in which the relationship between you and the other
3 person would have to end. This decision might be based on a
4 single, major incident, or an accumulation of small incidents over
5 a much longer period of time. For example, I have one friend who
6 cannot bear lies. Once she becomes aware that she has been lied
7 to, the relationship ends. This may sound harsh, but honesty is so
8 central to her sense of integrity that she knows from experience she
9 cannot sustain a meaningful relationship without it. Someone else
2011 I know has golden rules around criticisms and put-downs: if, in the
1 first three months of a new relationship, intimate, social, or profes-
2 sional, the other person makes critical comments about her on a
3 particular number of occasions, she knows its time to move on.
4 This may sound excessive, but I would argue that having golden
5 rules is something that all people in happy, healthy, mutually satis-
6 fying relationships know to be true. Golden rules are not about
7 demanding perfection of a partner. Nor are they meant to be a
8 decision-making straitjacket. They are about equipping yourself
9 with a compass to navigate more effectively the changing landscape
30 that is the world of other people.
1 The major benefits of having golden rules are:
2
311 they enable you to establish self-protective boundaries around
4 relationships;
5 they help you decide what is nurturing for you, so you dont
6 waste valuable emotional energy on relationships that are
711 doomed to fail;
8 they save heartache by preventing you from entering harmful
911 relationships;
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111 they help you identify (and end) bad relationships more
2 quickly;
3 because they are based on a persons behaviour, rather than
4 their character (well talk about this more below), they help
5 you depersonalize what the person is doing and take appro-
6 priate action without condemning yourself or them.
7
8 And, in case you are wondering, it is always better to have golden
9 rules based on criteria for ending the relationship, rather than
1011 criteria for keep it going. This is because devising a list of positive
1 criteria can easily turn into a wish list that no one can ever match
2 (for example, the person must always be loving and caring). Far
3 from being negative, knowing the terms and conditions in which
4 you would end a relationship gives you greater flexibility around
5 relationship decision-making, while also giving others permission
6 to be human.
7 Please remember that when it comes to golden rules, there are
8 no definitive rights and wrongs (although I would argue that any
9 form of physical, sexual, or emotional cruelty would constitute
2011 grounds for ending a relationship). But there will be rights and
1
wrongs that work for you.
2
3
4 Exercise 48. Defining your Golden Rules
5
6 What are your Golden Rules for relationships? What would be the
7 standards which, if broken, would mean that the relationship was
8 beyond repair? Spend some time thinking about these very care-
9 fully they are, after all, an investment in your future. Once you
30 think you know your relationship rules, write them in your learn-
1 ing log.
2
311
4
Helpful hint. Remember to make your Golden Rules very
5 specific (e.g., not Being treated disrespectfully, but Having
6 critical comments made about my physical appearance in front
711 of other people, on five occasions, after I have asked them
8 explicitly not to do this).
9
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111 very long, I knew that my attentiveness to the person had proba-
2 bly gone astray: I had got caught in the trap of seeing the other
3 person through my own filters and had to learn to look and listen
4 afresh next time. I would certainly recommend you use this same
5 approach particularly when you are dealing with a challenging
6 situation.
7
8
9 Skill No. 3: Listen to each other
1011
1 Listening is not as easy as it sounds. Particularly in longer-term
2 relationships, it is very easy to listen to each other on automatic
3 pilot, allowing the person to chat away while our minds wander
4 elsewhere. Effective listening is an extremely powerful tool and one
5 that you can learn, even though it takes time and practice to
6 perfect. To help you develop your listening skills, try the following
7 exercise.
8 Choose someone with whom you would like to deepen your
9 relationship (they also have to agree to this for the exercise to
2011 proceed). One of you needs to talk about something for three
1 minutes. It can be about your day, a particular concern, or some-
2 thing good that has happened. Generally though, its best to start
3 with a fairly neutral topic rather than anything that might cause
4 conflict between you. After three minutes, the person who did the
5 talking stops and the other person feeds back what they have
6 heard. Be sure to steer clear of offering advice or coming up with
7 a counter-argument: the task is simply to feed back what has
8 been heard. After giving feedback, the other person says how accu-
9 rate they felt this was and corrects any listening errors, without
30 criticism or judgement. You then change roles and repeat the
1 exercise.
2 This may sound like a strange idea, but youll be surprised how
311 you can start to get to know each other at a much deeper level just
4 by learning to listen. And because we all love to feel heard, it can
5 make each of you feel truly valued. Of course, this exercise also
6 requires you to talk! As you build up your listening skills, begin to
711 extend your communication time into new areas, such as telling
8 your partner or friend what it is that you need from them and why
911 this matters to you. This way it becomes easier to make changes
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111 without getting stuck in the Yes, but . . . dialogues that are typi-
2 cal of most conflicts.
3
4
5 Skill No. 4: Express your appreciation
6
7 In Principle No. 7 we looked at the power of gratitude. Learning
8 to express gratitude in your relationships has the capacity to trans-
9 form them. Tell your partner, friends, and colleagues when they do
1011 something you appreciate, or something that makes a positive
1 difference to your life especially the small things (it is often small
2 gestures that have the greatest impact). Positive feedback shapes
3 behaviour far more effectively than negative feedback and also has
4 the effect of allowing the other person to feel valued, validated in
5 their efforts, and supported.
6 Giving positive feedback does not mean coming up with senti-
7 mental expressions of undying admiration or love. If youre not
8 sure where to start, think of one thing the other person does for
9 you every day, every week or every month (depending on how
2011 often you have contact). And then another . . . Find a way to say
1 thank you, whether its over the dinner table or via an e-mail, text
2 message, or card. Occasionally, it might involve splashing out on a
3 special treat, such as a present or dinner date, but most of the time
4 it is what you say that will make all the difference. Not only does
5 this bring you closer together, but if you are used to giving and
6 receiving positive feedback it also makes it easier to raise sensitive
7 and challenging topics when the need arises.
8
9
30 Skill No. 5: Deal with difficulties
1
2 The ability to manage dissatisfactions in a relationship is vital to
311 its continued success. The most rewarding relationships are not
4 those that are conflict-free, but those where both partners are able
5 to resolve differences swiftly and effectively.
6 In Skill No. 2, we looked at how easy it can be to misconstrue
711 the others intention by engaging in toxic thinking. In situations of
8 conflict where emotions run high this is even more likely and tends
9 to result in accusatory statements such as You always do (something
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111 negative) or You never do (what I want you to). These are ineffec-
2 tive ways of resolving conflict because they are based on a criticism
3 of the person rather than explaining what you would like them to
4 do differently. They are also examples of over-generalization.
5 Psychologist John Gottman tells us that when we are faced with
6 difficulties in relationships it is vital to differentiate criticism and
7 complaints. Complaints involve a description of the behaviour that
8 you dont like, whereas criticism is an attack on the others charac-
9 ter. Generally, personalities dont change but behaviour can, so
1011 avoid criticizing the person for who they are and focus on what
1 they can do differently. Make it specific so the other person has a
2 clear idea of what is required of them as this also helps deperson-
3 alize difficulties.
4 Tina used this strategy to challenge Alisons behaviour. Initially
5 very angry with Alison, Tina wanted to tell her how she always
6 criticized her in front of others and that she wasnt going to stand
7 for her cruel behaviour any longer. But, through role-play, she
8 realized that Alison was probably trying to be a decent friend (even
9 if the strategy misfired) and talking to her in this way would simply
2011 hurt Alisons feelings and jeopardize the relationship. Instead, Tina
1 chose another strategy, in which she explained to Alison the effect
2 of her criticisms and why this needed to change. She also fed this
3 back using a lot of positive feedback, which included telling Alison
4 how much she valued their friendship and wanted it to continue.
5 In fact, their relationship was strong enough to survive the needed
6 changes and Tina learned something important in the process: that
7 voicing a complaint paves the way for solution-finding, whereas
8 criticism does not.
9
30
1 Skill No. 6: Make quality time for the relationship
2
311 The fastest route to relationship failure I know of is complacency.
4 Complacency erodes everything that is special in a partnership and
5 eventually leads to disillusionment, disappointment and even
6 contempt. Whatever other priorities you have in life, make your
711 relationships one of them by ensuring that there is some quality
8 time for the two of you whether this is an intimate relationship
911 or an important social one.
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111 Bibliography
2
3 *Alberti, R., & Emmons, M. (1981). Your Perfect Right. A Guide to
Assertive Living. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact.
4
*De Angelis, B. (1992). Are You the One for Me? London: Element.
5 *Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making
6 Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
7 *Moore, T. (1992). Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and
8 Sacredness in Everyday Life. New York: Harper Perennial.
9 *Moore, T. (2004). Dark Nights of the Soul: A Guide to Finding Your Way
1011 through Lifes Ordeals. London: Piatkus.
1 *Quilliam, S. (1995). Staying Together. From Crisis to Deeper Commit-
2 ment. London: Vermilion.
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7
8 PART IV
9
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111 almost finished our work together. But it is also beginning in that
2 you must now decide how you want to apply what you have learnt
3 to the next stage of your life. Where are you headed? What will
4 this next stage of your journey look like? Author Thomas Moore
5 describes the sense of uncertainty that comes with this stage of the
6 process when he reminds us that there can be no single end point,
7 definitive conclusion, or clear set of instructions on what to do
8 next. This is down to you.
9 Before you can turn your attention to what you might want to
1011 do next, it is important to mark the end of this phase of your jour-
1 ney. You have achieved a great deal, and acknowledging your
2 successes is an important part of honouring who you are as well as
3 a major motivator for the future.
4 Review the entries recorded in your gains diary and the notes
5 you have been keeping in your Learning Log. You might also want
6 to repeat the Inspiration Inventory in Part I, to give you a more
7 objective indication of what has and hasnt changed (it is repeated
8 at the end of this book so that you can take a clean copy). Once you
9 have a clear picture of all that you have achieved, consider how you
2011 want to acknowledge yourself for your efforts. How do you want to
1 celebrate your gains? With whom do you want to share them? Copy
2 the next exercise into your learning log and use it to help you.
3
4 Exercise 49. The celebration exercise
5
6 1. What are three of the most important things you have learned
7 from The Art of Inspired Living?
8 2. What are your three most important gains from working
9 through this book?
30 3. What do you most want to celebrate about yourself and your
1 life?
2 4. How would you most like to celebrate your successes and
gains?
311
5. How will your learning and gains shape the way you view
4
yourself and your life from now on?
5
6. How will your learning and gains shape the way you live your
6
life from now on?
711
8 Take a moment to reflect on your responses. You may be tempted
911 to overlook this aspect of inspired living, but please dont! Your
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111 all about, you can use it whenever you want to design a method of
2 change: big or small. We have looked at five areas in which MAP
3 can be applied: career choices, work-life balance, self-esteem, phys-
4 ical well-being, and relationships, but this is only a starting point.
5 There are as many potential destinations and goals as there are
6 individual people, so feel free to be creative with MAP and use it
7 in ways that make sense to you and your life.
8 I have also introduced you to 12 Principles that I believe have
9 the power to inspire you and help you appreciate your life for the
1011 gift that it is. Remember, there is always a balance to be struck
1 between accepting ourselves as we are, and opening ourselves up to
2 change. Our cultures preoccupation with results and outcomes can
3 sometimes lead us astray, helping us become addicted to the
4 pursuit of change when, in fact, nothing may need changing.
5 Moreover, if your journey does involve deciding to change
6 certain areas, dont assume that this must involve the pursuit of big
7 results that will require major upheavals to your lifestyle, work, or
8 relationships. Small changes are often more desirable than big
9 ones, because they are more likely to be sustained in the longer
2011 term and lead slowly but surely in directions you may not have
1 anticipated. So, dont stifle yourself with burdensome expectations
2 that detract from getting to know the unique rhythm and subtle
3 nuances of you. Your life is your ongoing creative project, and if
4 you tune in to what is going on around you it will be the best
5 source of feedback you could ever hope for. As author Thomas
6 Moore advises, aim for a full life, not a perfect one!
7
8
9 Taking the next steps
30
1 It is my belief that personal development work, sincerely and
2 thoughtfully undertaken, contributes to the well-being of others as
311 well as ourselves, and pays dividends for the world around us.
4 There are many ways in which the work you have done can shape
5 your world and many doors that it might open, if you are prepared
6 to look.
711 So give some thought to where you now wish to be headed.
8 What does the next stage look like for you? What priority,
911 medium-term, and long-term goals make sense for you, having
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111 come this far? Plan the next stage of your journey now, with the
2 help of the following exercise. Copy it into your learning log, and
3 answer the questions as fully as possible.
4
5
Exercise 50. Planning your journey
6
7
1(a) What are your goals for the immediate future (the next six
8
months)?
9
1011 1(b) How can you enhance your chances of achieving these goals?
1 (What do you need to know or learn to do to bring this
2 about? What resources and opportunities are required?)
3 1(c) How will your life change as a result of achieving these
4 goals? Will you be happy with these changes?
5
6 1(d) What could get in the way of achieving these goals? How
7 will you manage these obstacles?
8
9 2(a) What are your medium-term goals (the next six to twelve
2011 months)?
1 2(b) How can you enhance your chances of achieving these goals?
2 (What do you need to know or learn to do to bring this
3 about? What resources and opportunities are required?)
4
5 2(c) How will your life change as a result of achieving these
goals? Will you be happy with these changes?
6
7 2(d) What could get in the way of achieving your medium-term
8 goals? How will you manage these obstacles?
9
30 3(a) What are your long-term goals (the next five years)?
1
3(b) How can you enhance your chances of achieving these goals?
2
(What do you need to know or learn to do to bring this
311 about? What resources and opportunities are required?)
4
5 3(c) How will your life change as a result of achieving these
6 goals? Will you be happy with these changes?
711 3(d) What could get in the way of achieving your long-term
8 goals? How will you manage these obstacles?
9
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111 If you have goals with which you feel you need some help, or
2 your answers to any of the questions in Exercise 50 left you feel-
3 ing doubtful about how to proceed, you might like to consider
4 contacting a professional coach. This can be a very valuable invest-
5 ment in your future as well as helping you capitalize on the self-
6 coaching work you have done already. If this is something you are
7 interested in, please refer to the list of organizations I have
8 provided at the end of this book.
9
1011
1 A parting wish from me to you
2
3 When I start working with a client, I recognize it for the privilege
4 that it is. Very often, I have no idea where the work will lead us.
5 It doesnt matter how carefully we develop a suitable plan of action
6 or how much thought I give to methods that might be of benefit,
7 what emerges will be unique to that person. Their individual style,
8 character strengths, creativity, and brand of courage as well as the
9 relationship that forms between us will be indelibly stamped on
2011 the journey we undertake.
1 My experience of writing this book, and the sense of privilege
2 that has come with it, has been no different. My initial ideas have
3 come and gone, been developed or discarded as new insights and
4 inspirations have emerged. As is always the case with any journey,
5 the end result is not what I had originally anticipated, but it has
6 remained true to the vision of what I most wanted to offer you.
7 I do not know what life has in store for you. But I do hope that
8 by reading this book, you are clearer about what inspires you and
9 what makes your life worth living. To quote Seneca, As long as you
30 live, keep learning how to live. I hope you will consider doing just
1 this learn how to live over and over again, through setting out
2 on a course of action that will help you appreciate more fully who
311 you are and what you might achieve. As the famous author George
4 Eliot once said, it is never too late to be the person you might have
5 become. I wish you a life that is full of meaning wherever your
6 journey leads you.
711
8
911
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111
2
Appendix 1: Gains Diary
3
4
5
6
7
8 Brief description of the gain Date of gain
9
1011
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
2011
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
30
1
2
311
4
5
6
711
8
9
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111
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
1011
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
2011
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
30
1
2
311
4
5
6
711
8
911
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111
2
Appendix 2: The Inspiration
3 Inventory
4
5
6
7
8
9
1011 The Inspiration Inventory
1
2 1 Overall happiness and emotional well-being:
3 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
4 Prompt questions: Do you enjoy your life? Are you glad just to be
5 alive? Does your life inspire you or are you often anxious, disillusioned,
6 or unhappy?
7 2 Relationship to self:
8 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
9 Prompt questions: Do you respect the person that you are? Are you at
2011 peace with yourself, confident in your abilities or do you worry about
1 coming up to scratch?
2 3 Intimate relationships:
3 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
4 Prompt questions: Do you feel loved, appreciated and supported by
5 those that matter to you? Can you express emotional and physical
6 intimacy easily? Can you give and receive love freely?
7 4 Friendships and social life:
8 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
9 Prompt questions: Do you have good friendships based on mutual
30 respect and trust? Can you be yourself in your friendships or do you
1 feel pressured to be someone you are not?
2 5 Health:
311 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
4 Prompt questions: Do you have abundant energy? Do you respect
5 and nurture your body? Do you nourish yourself with healthy foods,
6 sufficient sleep, and time to relax and unwind?
711 6 Lifestyle and worklife balance:
8 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
9
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APPENDIX 2
111 Prompt questions: Does your lifestyle reflect and honour your priorities? Do
2 you have a good worklife balance or often feel exhausted or burnt out?
3 7 Career and work:
4 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5 Prompt questions: Do you enjoy your work? Does it inspire you and
6 enrich your life? Does it allow you to express your talents and abilities?
7 Does your work sustain or undermine you?
8 8 Money and finances:
9 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1011 Prompt questions: Do you have sufficient money to meet your needs?
1 Are you satisfied with your income? Do you have a system for organiz-
2 ing your finances, including outgoings, savings, and pension?
3 9 Hobbies and leisure interests:
4 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5 Prompt questions: Do you have fulfilling hobbies and interests separate
6 from your work? Do you have sufficient time for this part of your life
7 or is it often eroded by work or other pressures?
8 10 Values and principles:
9 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
2011 Prompt questions: Are you clear about what you stand for? Are you
1 living life according to your core values? Are there any areas of your
2 life in which you compromise your values?
3 11 Community and contribution:
4 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5 Do you feel you make a difference to the world, even in a small way?
6 Do others benefit from your talents and gifts?
7 12 Spiritual life:
8 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
9 Prompt questions: Is there space in your life to develop your potential,
30 your expanded self, and your spiritual self? Do you feel the need to
1 belong to a religious or spiritual community? If so, is this need being
2 met?
311 13 Any other areas important to you (name them in the space
4 below).
5
6 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
711 Prompt questions: What other areas of your life really matter to you
8 that are not included in the above?
911
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111
2
Appendix 3: Organizations
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
1011 If you feel you need any additional help to achieve your goals, the
1 following organizations will be of interest to you.
2
British Association for Behavioural & Cognitive Psychotherapies:
3
for a list of accredited cognitivebehaviour therapists and infor-
4
mation about how CBT can help. Information available online at
5
www.babcp.com, or telephone +44 (0)161 797 4484.
6
7
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy: for a list of
8
accredited counsellors and psychotherapists. Information available
9
online at www.bacp.co.uk, or telephone +44 (0)870 443 5252.
2011
1 British Psychological Society: for information on how psychology
2 can help, a list of different groups and divisions within the society
3 (including a Special Group in Coaching Psychology) and a list of
4 Chartered Psychologists. Information available online at www.bps.
5 org.uk, or telephone + 44 (0)116 254 9568.
6
7 Gaia House Meditation Retreat Centre: for information on mind-
8 fulness and other meditation retreats. Available online at www.
9 gaiahouse.co.uk, or telephone +44 (0)1626 333613.
30
1 The Professional Development Foundation: a professional devel-
2 opment network providing evidence based consultancy, research,
311 coaching and accreditation services to individuals, professional
4 bodies and organizations. Information available on line at www.
5 pdf.net, or telephone +44 (0) 20 7987 2805.
6
711 Relate: for counselling for relationship difficulties. Information
8 available online at www.relate.org.uk, or telephone +44 (0)300
9 100 1234 (Central Office).
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APPENDIX 3