The Promised Land

08/11/2015 ThePromisedLand.
ThePromisedLandbyMaryAntin(18811949).Boston&NewYork:HoughtonMifflin
Company,1912.
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THEPROMISEDLAND
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[Frontispiece]
MASHKEANDFETCHKE
[TitlePage]
THE
PROMISEDLAND
BYMARYANTIN
WITHILLUSTRATIONS
FROMPHOTOGRAPHS
http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/antin/land/land.html 1/156
BOSTONANDNEWYORK
HOUGHTONMIFFLINCOMPANY
TheRiversidePressCambridge
1912
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COPYRIGHT,1911AND1912,BYTHEATLANTICMONTHLYCOMPANY
COPYRIGHT,1912,BYHOUGHTONMIFFLINCOMPANY
PublishedApril1912
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TotheMemoryof
JOSEPHINELAZARUS
Wholivesinthefulfilment
ofherprophecies
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CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION xi
I WITHINTHEPALE 1
II CHILDRENOFTHELAW 29
III BOTHTHEIRHOUSES 42
IV DAILYBREAD 60
V IREMEMBER 79
VI THETREEOFKNOWLEDGE 111
VII THEBOUNDARIESSTRETCH 137
VIII THEEXODUS 163
IX THEPROMISEDLAND 180
X INITIATION 206
XI "MYCOUNTRY" 222
XII MIRACLES 241
XIII ACHILD'SPARADISE 252
XIV MANNA 264

XV TARNISHEDLAURELS 276
XVI DOVERSTREET 286
XVII THELANDLADY 301
XVIII THEBURNINGBUSH 321
XIX AKINGDOMINTHESLUMS 337
XX THEHERITAGE 359
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 365
GLOSSARY 367
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ILLUSTRATIONS
MASHKEANDFETCHKE Frontispiece
THEGRAVEDIGGEROFPOLOTZK 24
HEDER(HEBREWSCHOOL)FORBOYSINPOLOTZK 34
THEWOODMARKET,POLOTZK 52
MYFATHER'SPORTRAIT 70
MYGRANDFATHER'SHOUSE,WHEREIWASBORN 80
THEMEATMARKET,POLOTZK 98
SABBATHLOAVESFORSALE(BREADMARKET,POLOTZK) 124
WINTERSCENEONTHEDVINA 144
UNIONPLACE(BOSTON)WHEREMYNEWHOMEWAITEDFORME 184
TWOSCOREOFMYFELLOWCITIZENSPUBLICSCHOOL,CHELSEA 230
WHEELERSTREET,INTHELOWERSOUTHENDOFBOSTON 264
HARRISONAVENUEISTHEHEARTOFTHESOUTHENDGHETTO 288
ILIKEDTOSTANDANDLOOKDOWNONTHEDIMTANGLEOFRAILROAD
298
TRACKSBELOW
THENATURALHISTORYCLUBHADFREQUENTFIELDEXCURSIONS 328
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BATESHALL,WHEREISPENTMYLONGESTHOURSINTHELIBRARY 342
THEFAMOUSSTUDY,THATWASFITTOHAVEBEENPRESERVEDASA
346
SHRINE
THETIDEHADRUSHEDIN,STEALINGAWAYOURSEAWEEDCUSHIONS 362
INTRODUCTION
IWASborn,Ihavelived,andIhavebeenmadeover.Isitnottimetowritemylife'sstory?Iamjust
asmuchoutofthewayasifIweredead,forIamabsolutelyotherthanthepersonwhosestoryIhave
totell.Physicalcontinuitywithmyearlierselfisnodisadvantage.Icouldspeakinthethirdperson
andnotfeelthatIwasmasquerading.Icananalyzemysubject,Icanrevealeverythingforshe,and
notI,ismyrealheroine.MylifeIhavestilltoliveherlifeendedwhenminebegan.
Agenerationissometimesamoresatisfactoryunitforthestudyofhumanitythanalifetimeand
spiritualgenerationsareaseasytodemarkasphysicalones.NowIamthespiritualoffspringofthe
marriagewithinmyconsciousexperienceofthePastandthePresent.Mysecondbirthwasnolessa
birthbecausetherewasnodistinctincarnation.Surelyithashappenedbeforethatonebodyserved
morethanonespiritualorganization.NoramIdisowningmyfatherandmotheroftheflesh,forthey
werealsopartnersinthegenerationofmysecondselfcopartnerswithmyentirelineofancestors.
Theygavemebody,sothatIhaveeyeslikemyfather'sandhairlikemymother's.Thespiritalsothey
gaveme,sothatIreasonlikemyfatherandendurelikemymother.Butdidtheysetmedownina
shelteredgarden,wherethesunshouldwarmme,andnowintershouldhurt,whiletheyfedmefrom
theirhands?NotheyearlyletmeruninthefieldsperhapsbecauseIwouldnotbeheldandeatof
thewildfruitsanddrinkofthedew.Didtheyteachmefrombooks,andtellmewhattobelieve?I
soonchosemyownbooks,andbuiltmeaworldofmyown.
InthesediscriminationsIemerged,anewbeing,somethingthathadnotbeenbefore.AndwhenI
discoveredmyownfriends,andranhomewiththemtoconvertmyparentstoabeliefintheir
excellence,didInotbegintomakemyfatherandmother,astrulyastheyhadevermademe?DidI
notbecometheparentandtheythechildren,inthoserelationsofteacherandlearner?AndsoIcan
saythattherehasbeenmorethanonebirthofmyself,andIcanregardmyearlierselfasaseparate
being,andmakeitasubjectofstudy.
Aproperautobiographyisadeathbedconfession.Atruemanfindssomuchworktodothathehas
notimetocontemplatehisyesterdaysfortodayandtomorrowarehere,withtheirimpatienttasks.
Theworldissobusy,too,thatitcannotaffordtostudyanyman'sunfinishedworkfortheendmay
proveitafailure,andtheworldneedsmasterpieces.Stilltherearecircumstancesbywhichamanis
justifiedinpausinginthemiddleofhislifetocontemplatetheyearsalreadypassed.Onewhohas
completedearlyinlifeadistincttaskmaystoptogiveanaccountofit.Onewhohasencountered
unusualadventuresundervanishingconditionsmaypausetodescribethembeforepassingintothe
stableworld.Andperhapshealsomightbegivenanearlyhearing,who,withouthavingventuredout
ofthefamiliarpaths,withouthavingachievedanysignaltriumph,haslivedhissimplelifeso
intensely,sothoughtfully,astohavediscoveredinhisownexperienceaninterpretationofthe
universallife.
Iamnotyetthirty,countinginyears,andIamwritingmylifehistory.Underwhichoftheabove
categoriesdoIfindmyjustification?Ihavenotaccomplishedanything,Ihavenotdiscovered
anything,notevenbyaccident,asColumbusdiscoveredAmerica.Mylifehasbeenunusual,butbyno
meansunique.Andthisistheverycoreofthematter.ItisbecauseIunderstandmyhistory,inits
largeroutlines,tobetypicalofmany,thatIconsideritworthrecording.Mylifeisaconcrete
illustrationofamultitudeofstatisticalfacts.AlthoughIhavewrittenagenuinepersonalmemoir,I
believethatitschiefinterestliesinthefactthatitisillustrativeofscoresofunwrittenlives.Iamonly
oneofmanywhosefateithasbeentoliveapageofmodernhistory.Wearethestrandsofthecable
thatbindstheOldWorldtotheNew.AstheshipsthatbroughtuslinktheshoresofEuropeand
America,soourlivesspanthebitterseaofracialdifferencesandmisunderstandings.Beforewecame,
theNewWorldknewnottheOldbutsincewehavebeguntocome,theYoungWorldhastakenthe
Oldbythehand,andthetwoarelearningtomarchsidebyside,seekingacommondestiny.
PerhapsIhavetakenneedlesstroubletofurnishanexcuseformyautobiography.Myagealone,my
trueage,wouldbereasonenoughformywriting.IbeganlifeintheMiddleAges,asIshallprove,and
hereamIstill,yourcontemporaryinthetwentiethcentury,thrillingwithyourlatestthought.
HadInobetterexcuseforwriting,Istillmightbedriventoitbymyprivateneeds.Itisinonesensea
matterofmypersonalsalvation.IwasatamostimpressionableagewhenIwastransplantedtothe
newsoil.Iwasinthatperiodwhenevennormalchildren,undisturbedintheircustomaryenvironment,
begintoexploretheirownhearts,andendeavortoaccountforthemselvesandtheirworld.Andmy
zestforselfexplorationseemsnottohavebeendistractedbythenecessityofexploringanewouter
universe.Iembarkedonadoublevoyageofdiscovery,andanexcitinglifeitwas!Itooknoteof
everything.Icouldnomorekeepmymindfromtheshifting,changinglandscapethananinfantcan
keephiseyesfromtheshiningcandlemovedacrosshisfieldofvision.Thuseverythingimpressed
itselfonmymemory,andwithdoubleassociationsforIwasconstantlyreferringmynewworldto
theoldforcomparison,andtheoldtothenewforelucidation.Ibecameastudentandphilosopherby
forceofcircumstances.
HadIbeenbroughttoAmericaafewyearsearlier,Imighthavewrittenthatinsuchandsuchayear
myfatheremigrated,justasIwouldstatewhathedidforaliving,asamatteroffamilyhistory.
Happeningwhenitdid,theemigrationbecameofthemostvitalimportancetomepersonally.Allthe
processesofuprooting,transportation,replanting,acclimatization,anddevelopmenttookplaceinmy
ownsoul.Ifeltthepang,thefear,thewonder,andthejoyofit.Icanneverforget,forIbearthescars.
ButIwanttoforgetsometimesIlongtoforget.IthinkIhavethoroughlyassimilatedmypastI
havedoneitsbiddingIwantnowtobeoftoday.Itispainfultobeconsciouslyoftwoworlds.The
WanderingJewinmeseeksforgetfulness.Iamnotafraidtoliveonandon,ifonlyIdonothaveto
remembertoomuch.Alongpastvividlyrememberedislikeaheavygarmentthatclingstoyourlimbs
whenyouwouldrun.AndIhavethoughtofacharmthatshouldreleasemefromthefoldsofmy
clingingpast.ItakethehintfromtheAncientMariner,whotoldhistaleinordertoberidofit.I,too,
willtellmytale,foronce,andneverharkbackanymore.Iwillwriteabold"Finis"attheend,and
shutthebookwithabang!
THEPROMISEDLAND
CHAPTERI
WITHINTHEPALE
WHENIwasalittlegirl,theworldwasdividedintotwopartsnamely,Polotzk,theplacewhereI
lived,andastrangelandcalledRussia.AllthelittlegirlsIknewlivedinPolotzk,withtheirfathers
andmothersandfriends.Russiawastheplacewhereone'sfatherwentonbusiness.Itwassofaroff,
andsomanybadthingshappenedthere,thatone'smotherandgrandmotherandgrownupauntscried
attherailroadstation,andonewasexpectedtobesadandquietfortherestoftheday,whenthefather
departedforRussia.
Afterawhiletherecametomyknowledgetheexistenceofanotherdivision,aregionintermediate
betweenPolotzkandRussia.ItseemedtherewasaplacecalledVitebsk,andonecalledVilna,and
Riga,andsomeothers.Fromthoseplacescamephotographsofunclesandcousinsonehadnever
seen,andletters,andsometimestheunclesthemselves.TheseuncleswerejustlikepeopleinPolotzk
thepeopleinRussia,oneunderstood,wereverydifferent.Inanswertoone'squestions,thevisiting
unclessaidallsortsofsillythings,tomakeeverybodylaughandsooneneverfoundoutwhyVitebsk
andVilna,sincetheywerenotPolotzk,werenotassadasRussia.Motherhardlycriedatallwhenthe
uncleswentaway.
Onetime,whenIwasabouteightyearsold,oneofmygrownupcousinswenttoVitebsk.Everybody
wenttoseeheroff,butIdidn't.Iwentwithher.Iwasputonthetrain,withmybestdresstiedupina
bandana,andIstayedonthetrainforhoursandhours,andcametoVitebsk.Icouldnottell,aswe
rushedalong,wheretheendofPolotzkwas.Therewereagreatmanyplacesontheway,withstrange
names,butitwasveryplainwhenwegottoVitebsk.
Therailroadstationwasabigplace,muchbiggerthantheoneinPolotzk.Severaltrainscameinat
once,insteadofonlyone.Therewasanimmensebuffet,withfruitsandconfections,andaplace
wherebooksweresold.Mycousinneverletgomyhand,onaccountofthecrowd.Thenwerodeina
cabforeversolong,andIsawthemostbeautifulstreetsandshopsandhouses,muchbiggerandfiner
thananyinPolotzk.
WeremainedinVitebskseveraldays,andIsawmanywonderfulthings,butwhatgavememyone
greatsurprisewassomethingthatwasn'tnewatall.ItwastherivertheriverDvina.NowtheDvina
isinPolotzk.AllmylifeIhadseentheDvina.How,then,couldtheDvinabeinVitebsk?Mycousin
andIhadcomeonthetrain,buteverybodyknewthatatraincouldgoeverywhere,eventoRussia.It
becamecleartomethattheDvinawentonandon,likearailroadtrack,whereasIhadalways
supposedthatitstoppedwherePolotzkstopped.IhadneverseentheendofPolotzkImeantto,when
Iwasbigger.ButhowcouldtherebeanendtoPolotzknow?Polotzkwaseverythingonbothsidesof
theDvina,asallmylifeIhadknownandtheDvinaitnowturnedout,neverbrokeoffatall.Itwas
verycuriousthattheDvinashouldremainthesame,whilePolotzkchangedintoVitebsk!
Themysteryofthistransmutationledtomuchfruitfulthinking.TheboundarybetweenPolotzkand
therestoftheworldwasnot,asIhadsupposed,aphysicalbarrier,likethefencewhichdividedour
gardenfromthestreet.Theworldwentlikethisnow:PolotzkmorePolotzkmorePolotzk
Vitebsk!AndVitebskwasnotsodifferent,onlybiggerandbrighterandmorecrowded.AndVitebsk
wasnottheend.TheDvina,andtherailroad,wentonbeyondVitebsk,wentontoRussia.Thenwas
RussiamorePolotzk?Washerealsonodividingfence?HowIwantedtoseeRussia!Butveryfew
peoplewentthere.WhenpeoplewenttoRussiaitwasasignoftroubleeithertheycouldnotmakea
livingathome,ortheyweredraftedforthearmy,ortheyhadalawsuit.No,nobodywenttoRussia
forpleasure.Why,inRussialivedtheCzar,andagreatmanycruelpeopleandinRussiawerethe
dreadfulprisonsfromwhichpeoplenevercameback.
PolotzkandVitebskwerenowboundtogetherbythecontinuityoftheearth,butbetweenthemand
Russiaaformidablebarrierstillinterposed.Ilearned,asIgrewolder,thatmuchasPolotzkdislikedto
gotoRussia,evenmoredidRussiaobjecttolettingPolotzkcome.PeoplefromPolotzkwere
sometimesturnedbackbeforetheyhadfinishedtheirbusiness,andoftentheywerecruellytreatedon
theway.ItseemedtherewerecertainplacesinRussiaSt.Petersburg,andMoscow,andKiev
wheremyfatherormyuncleormyneighbormustnevercomeatall,nomatterwhatimportantthings
invitedthem.ThepolicewouldseizethemandsendthembacktoPolotzk,likewickedcriminals,
althoughtheyhadneverdoneanywrong.
Itwasstrangeenoughthatmyrelativesshouldbetreatedlikethis,butatleasttherewasthisexcuse
forsendingthembacktoPolotzk,thattheybelongedthere.Forwhatreasonwerepeopledrivenoutof
St.PetersburgandMoscowwhohadtheirhomesinthosecities,andhadnootherplacetogo?Everso
manypeople,menandwomenandevenchildren,cametoPolotzk,wheretheyhadnofriends,with
storiesofcrueltreatmentinRussiaandalthoughtheywerenobody'srelatives,theyweretakenin,and
helped,andsetupinbusiness,likeunfortunatesafterafire.
ItwasverystrangethattheCzarandthepoliceshouldwantallRussiaforthemselves.Itwasavery
bigcountryittookmanydaysforalettertoreachone'sfatherinRussia.Whymightnoteverybody
betherewhowantedto?
IdonotknowwhenIbecameoldenoughtounderstand.Thetruthwasborneinonmeadozentimesa
day,fromthetimeIbegantodistinguishwordsfromemptynoises.Mygrandmothertoldmeaboutit,
whensheputmetobedatnight.Myparentstoldmeaboutit,whentheygavemepresentson
holidays.Myplaymatestoldme,whentheydrewmebackintoacornerofthegateway,toleta
policemanpass.Vanka,thelittlewhitehairedboy,toldmeallaboutit,whenheranoutofhis
mother'slaundryonpurposetothrowmudaftermewhenIhappenedtopass.Iheardaboutitduring
prayers,andwhenwomenquarrelledinthemarketplaceandsometimes,wakinginthenight,Iheard
myparentswhisperitinthedark.TherewasnotimeinmylifewhenIdidnothearandseeandfeel
thetruththereasonwhyPolotzkwascutofffromtherestofRussia.Itwasthefirstlessonalittle
girlinPolotzkhadtolearn.ButforalongwhileIdidnotunderstand.ThentherecameatimewhenI
knewthatPolotzkandVitebskandVilnaandsomeotherplacesweregroupedtogetherasthe"Paleof
Settlement,"andwithinthisareatheCzarcommandedmetostay,withmyfatherandmotherand
friends,andallotherpeoplelikeus.WemustnotbefoundoutsidethePale,becausewewereJews.
SotherewasafencearoundPolotzk,afterall.TheworldwasdividedintoJewsandGentiles.This
knowledgecamesograduallythatitcouldnotshockme.Ittrickledintomyconsciousnessdropby
drop.BythetimeIfullyunderstoodthatIwasaprisoner,theshackleshadgrownfamiliartomyflesh.
ThefirsttimeVankathrewmudatme,Iranhomeandcomplainedtomymother,whobrushedoffmy
dressandsaid,quiteresignedly,"HowcanIhelpyou,mypoorchild?VankaisaGentile.The
GentilesdoastheylikewithusJews."ThenexttimeVankaabusedme,Ididnotcry,butranfor
shelter,sayingtomyself,"VankaisaGentile."Thethirdtime,whenVankaspatonme,Iwipedmy
faceandthoughtnothingatall.IacceptedillusagefromtheGentilesasoneacceptstheweather.The
worldwasmadeinacertainway,andIhadtoliveinit.
NotquitealltheGentileswerelikeVanka.NextdoortouslivedaGentilefamilywhichwasvery
friendly.TherewasagirlasbigasI,whonevercalledmenames,andgavemeflowersfromher
father'sgarden.AndthereweretheParphens,ofwhommygrandfatherrentedhisstore.Theytreated
usasifwewerenotJewsatall.Onourfestivaldaystheyvisitedourhouseandbroughtuspresents,
carefullychoosingsuchthingsasJewishchildrenmightacceptandtheylikedtohaveeverything
explainedtothem,aboutthewineandthefruitandthecandles,andtheyeventriedtosaythe
appropriategreetingsandblessingsinHebrew.MyfatherusedtosaythatifalltheRussianswerelike
theParphens,therewouldbenotroublebetweenGentilesandJewsandFedoraPavlovna,the
landlady,wouldreplythattheRussianpeoplewerenottoblame.Itwasthepriests,shesaid,who
taughtthepeopletohatetheJews.Ofcoursesheknewbest,asshewasaverypiousChristian.She
neverpassedachurchwithoutcrossingherself.
TheGentileswerealwayscrossingthemselveswhentheywentintoachurch,andwhentheycame
out,whentheymetapriest,orpassedanimageinthestreet.Thedirtybeggarsonthechurchsteps
neverstoppedcrossingthemselvesandevenwhentheystoodonthecornerofaJewishstreet,and
receivedalmsfromJewishpeople,theycrossedthemselvesandmumbledChristianprayers.Inevery
Gentilehousetherewaswhattheycalledan"icon,"whichwasanimageorpictureoftheChristian
god,hungupinacorner,withalightalwaysburningbeforeit.InfrontoftheicontheGentilessaid
theirprayers,ontheirknees,crossingthemselvesallthetime.
Itriednottolookinthecornerwheretheiconwas,whenIcameintoaGentilehouse.Iwasafraidof
thecross.Everybodywas,inPolotzkalltheJews,Imean.Foritwasthecrossthatmadethepriests,
andthepriestsmadeourtroubles,asevensomeChristiansadmitted.TheGentilessaidthatwehad
killedtheirGod,whichwasabsurd,astheyneverhadaGodnothingbutimages.Besides,whatthey
accusedusofhadhappenedsolongagotheGentilesthemselvessaiditwaslongago.Everybodyhad
beendeadforageswhocouldhavehadanythingtodowithit.Yettheyputupcrosseseverywhere,
andworethemontheirnecks,onpurposetoremindthemselvesofthesefalsethingsandthey
considereditpioustohateandabuseus,insistingthatwehadkilledtheirGod.Toworshipthecross
andtotormentaJewwasthesamethingtothem.Thatiswhywefearedthecross.
AnotherthingtheGentilessaidaboutuswasthatweusedthebloodofmurderedChristianchildrenat
thePassoverfestival.Ofcoursethatwasawickedlie.Itmademesicktothinkofsuchathing.Iknew
everythingthatwasdoneforPassover,fromthetimeIwasaverylittlegirl.Thehousewasmade
cleanandshiningandholy,eveninthecornerswherenobodyeverlooked.Vesselsanddishesthat
wereusedalltheyearroundwereputawayinthegarret,andspecialvesselswerebroughtoutforthe
Passoverweek.Iusedtohelpunpackthenewdishes,andfindmyownbluemug.Whenthefresh
curtainswereputup,andthewhitefloorswereuncovered,andeverybodyinthehouseputonnew
clothes,andIsatdowntothefeastinmynewdress,Ifeltcleaninsideandout.AndwhenIaskedthe
FourQuestions,abouttheunleavenedbreadandthebitterherbsandtheotherthings,andthefamily,
readingfromtheirbooks,answeredme,didInotknowallaboutPassover,andwhatwasonthetable,
andwhy?ItwaswickedoftheGentilestotellliesaboutus.Theyoungestchildinthehouseknew
howPassoverwaskept.
ThePassoverseason,whenwecelebratedourdeliverancefromthelandofEgypt,andfeltsogladand
thankful,asifithadonlyjusthappened,wasthetimeourGentileneighborschosetoremindusthat
RussiawasanotherEgypt.ThatiswhatIheardpeoplesay,anditwastrue.Itwasnotsobadin
Polotzk,withinthePalebutinRussiancities,andevenmoreinthecountrydistricts,whereJewish
familieslivedscattered,byspecialpermissionofthepolice,whowerealwayschangingtheirminds
aboutlettingthemstay,theGentilesmadethePassoveratimeofhorrorfortheJews.Somebody
wouldstartupthatlieaboutmurderingChristianchildren,andthestupidpeasantswouldgetmad
aboutit,andfillthemselveswithvodka,andsetouttokilltheJews.Theyattackedthemwithknives
andclubsandscythesandaxes,killedthemortorturedthem,andburnedtheirhouses.Thiswascalled
a"pogrom."JewswhoescapedthepogromscametoPolotzkwithwoundsonthem,andhorrible,
horriblestories,oflittlebabiestornlimbfromlimbbeforetheirmothers'eyes.Onlytohearthese
thingsmadeonesobandsobandchokewithpain.Peoplewhosawsuchthingsneversmiledany
more,nomatterhowlongtheylivedandsometimestheirhairturnedwhiteinaday,andsomepeople
becameinsaneonthespot.
Oftenweheardthatthepogromwasledbyapriestcarryingacrossbeforethemob.Ourenemies
alwaysheldupthecrossastheexcuseoftheircrueltytous.Ineverwasinanactualpogrom,butthere
weretimeswhenitthreatenedus,eveninPolotzkandinallmyfearfulimaginings,asIhidindark
corners,thinkingofthehorriblethingstheGentilesweregoingtodotome,Isawthecross,thecruel
cross.
IrememberatimewhenIthoughtapogromhadbrokenoutinourstreet,andIwonderthatIdidnot
dieoffear.ItwassomeChristianholiday,andwehadbeenwarnedbythepolicetokeepindoors.
Gateswerelockedshutterswerebarred.Ifachildcried,thenursethreatenedtogiveittothepriest,
whowouldsoonbepassingby.Fearfulandyetcurious,welookedthroughthecracksintheshutters.
Wesawaprocessionofpeasantsandtownspeople,ledbyanumberofpriests,carryingcrossesand
bannersandimages.Intheplaceofhonorwascarriedacasket,containingarelicfromthemonastery
intheoutskirtsofPolotzk.OnceayeartheGentilesparadedwiththisrelic,andonthatoccasionthe
streetswereconsideredtooholyforJewstobeaboutandwelivedinfeartilltheendoftheday,
knowingthattheleastdisturbancemightstartariot,andariotleadtoapogrom.
OnthedaywhenIsawtheprocessionthroughacrackintheshutter,thereweresoldiersandpolicein
thestreet.Thiswasasusual,butIdidnotknowit.Iaskedthenurse,whowaspressingtothecrack
overmyhead,whatthesoldierswerefor.Thoughtlesslysheansweredme,"Incaseofapogrom."
Yes,therewerethecrossesandthepriestsandthemob.Thechurchbellswerepealingtheirloudest.
Everythingwasready.TheGentilesweregoingtotearmeinpieces,withaxesandknivesandropes.
Theyweregoingtoburnmealive.Thecrossthecross!Whatwouldtheydotomefirst?
TherewasonethingtheGentilesmightdotomeworsethanburningorrending.Itwaswhatwasdone
tounprotectedJewishchildrenwhofellintothehandsofpriestsornuns.Theymightbaptizeme.That
wouldbeworsethandeathbytorture.RatherwouldIdrownintheDvinathanadropofthebaptismal
watershouldtouchmyforehead.Tobeforcedtokneelbeforethehideousimages,tokissthecross,
soonerwouldIrushouttothemobthatwaspassing,andletthemtearmyvitalsout.Toforswearthe
OneGod,tobowbeforeidols,ratherwouldIbeseizedwiththeplague,andbeeatenupbyvermin.
Iwasonlyalittlegirl,andnotverybravelittlepainsmademeill,andIcried.Buttherewasnopain
thatIwouldnotbearno,noneratherthansubmittobaptism.
EveryJewishchildhadthatfeeling.TherewerestoriesbythedozenofJewishboyswhowere
kidnappedbytheCzar'sagentsandbroughtupinGentilefamilies,tilltheywereoldenoughtoenter
thearmy,wheretheyservedtillfortyyearsofageandallthoseyearstheprieststried,bybribesand
dailytortures,toforcethemtoacceptbaptism,butinvain.ThiswasinthetimeofNicholasI,butmen
whohadbeenthroughthisservicewerenoolderthanmygrandfather,whenIwasalittlegirland
theytoldtheirexperienceswiththeirownlips,andoneknewitwastrue,anditbrokeone'sheartwith
painandpride.
SomeofthesesoldiersofNicholas,astheywerecalled,weretakenaslittleboysofsevenoreight
snatchedfromtheirmothers'laps.Theywerecarriedtodistantvillages,wheretheirfriendscould
nevertracethem,andturnedovertosomedirty,brutalpeasant,whousedthemlikeslavesandkept
themwiththepigs.Notwowereeverlefttogetherandtheyweregivenfalsenames,sothatthey.
wereentirelycutofffromtheirownworld.Andthenthelonelychildwasturnedovertothepriests,
andhewasfloggedandstarvedandterrifiedalittlehelplessboywhocriedforhismotherbutstill
herefusedtobebaptized.Thepriestspromisedhimgoodthingstoeat,andfineclothes,andfreedom
fromlaborbuttheboyturnedaway,andsaidhisprayerssecretlytheHebrewprayers.
Ashegrewolder,severertortureswereinventedforhimstillherefusedbaptism.Bythistimehehad
forgottenhismother'sface,andofhisprayersperhapsonlythe"Shema"remainedinhismemorybut
hewasaJew,andnothingwouldmakehimchange.Afterheenteredthearmy,hewasbribedwith
promisesofpromotionsandhonors.Heremainedaprivate,andenduredthecruellestdiscipline.
Whenhewasdischarged,attheageofforty,hewasabrokenman,withoutahome,withoutaclueto
hisorigin,andhespenttherestofhislifewanderingamongJewishsettlements,searchingforhis
familyhidingthescarsoftortureunderhisrags,begginghiswayfromdoortodoor.Ifhewereone
whohadbrokendownunderthecrueltorments,andallowedhimselftobebaptized,forthesakeofa
respite,theChurchneverlethimgoagain,nomatterhowloudlyheprotestedthathewasstillaJew.
IfhewascaughtpracticingJewishrites,hewassubjectedtotheseverestpunishment.
Myfatherknewofonewhowastakenasasmallboy,whoneveryieldedtothepriestsunderthemost
hideoustortures.Ashewasaverybrightboy,thepriestswereparticularlyeagertoconverthim.They
triedhimwithbribesthatwouldappealtohisambition.Theypromisedtomakeagreatmanofhim
ageneral,anoble.Theboyturnedawayandsaidhisprayers.Thentheytorturedhim,andthrewhim
intoacellandwhenhelayasleepfromexhaustion,thepriestcameandbaptizedhim.Whenhe
awoke,theytoldhimhewasaChristian,andbroughthimthecrucifixtokiss.Heprotested,threwthe
crucifixfromhim,buttheyheldhimtoitthathewasabaptizedJew,andbelongedtotheChurchand
therestofhislifehespentbetweentheprisonandthehospital,alwaysclingingtohisfaith,sayingthe
Hebrewprayersindefianceofhistormentorsandpayingforitwithhisflesh.
ThereweremeninPolotzkwhosefacesmadeyouoldinaminute.TheyhadservedNicholasI,and
comebackunbaptized.Thewhitechurchinthesquarehowdiditlooktothem?Iknew.Icursedthe
churchinmyhearteverytimeIhadtopassitandIwasafraidafraid.
Onmarketdays,whenthepeasantscametochurch,andthebellskeptringingbythehour,myheart
washeavyinme,andIcouldfindnorest.Eveninmyfather'shouseIdidnotfeelsafe.Thechurch
bellboomedovertheroofsofthehouses,calling,calling,calling.Iclosedmyeyes,andsawthe
peoplepassingintothechurch:peasantwomenwithbrightembroideredapronsandglassbeads
barefootlittlegirlswithcoloredkerchiefsontheirheadsboyswithcapspulledtoofardownover
theirflaxenhairroughmenwithplaitedbastsandals,andaropearoundthewaist,crowdsofthem,
movingslowlyupthesteps,crossingthemselvesagainandagain,tilltheywereswallowedbythe
blackdoorway,andonlythebeggarswereleftsquattingonthesteps.Boom,boom!Whatarethe
peopledoinginthedark,withthewaxenimagesandthehorridcrucifixes?Boom,boom,boom!They
areringingthebellforme.Isitinthechurchtheywilltortureme,whenIrefusetokissthecross?
Theyoughtnottohavetoldmethosedreadfulstories.Theywerelongpastwewerelivingunderthe
blessed"NewRgime."AlexanderIIIwasnofriendoftheJewsstillhedidnotorderlittleboystobe
takenfromtheirmothers,tobemadeintosoldiersandChristians.Everymanhadtoserveinthearmy
forfouryears,andaJewishrecruitwaslikelytobetreatedwithseverity,nomatterifhisbehavior
wereperfectbutthatwaslittlecomparedtothedreadfulconditionsoftheoldrgime.
ThethingthatreallymatteredwasthenecessityofbreakingtheJewishlawsofdailylifewhileinthe
service.AsoldieroftenhadtoeattrefahandworkonSabbath.Hehadtoshavehisbeardanddo
reverencetoChristianthings.Hecouldnotattenddailyservicesatthesynagoguehisprivate
devotionsweredisturbedbythejeersandinsultsofhiscoarseGentilecomrades.Hemightresortto
allsortsoftricksandshams,stillhewasobligedtoviolateJewishlaw.Whenhereturnedhome,atthe
endofhistermofservice,hecouldnotridhimselfofthestigmaofthoseenforcedsins.Forfouryears
hehadledthelifeofaGentile.
PietyalonewasenoughtomaketheJewsdreadmilitaryservice,buttherewereotherthingsthatmade
itaseriousburden.Mostmenoftwentyonetheageofconscriptionwerealreadymarriedandhad
children.Duringtheirabsencetheirfamiliessuffered,theirbusinessoftenwasruined.Attheendof
theirtermtheywerebeggars.Asbeggars,too,theyweresenthomefromtheirmilitarypost.Ifthey
happenedtohaveagooduniformatthetimeoftheirdismissal,itwasstrippedfromthem,and
replacedbyashabbyone.Theyreceivedafreeticketforthereturnjourney,andafewkopecksaday
forexpenses.InthisfashiontheywerehurriedbackintothePale,likeescapedprisoners.TheCzar
wasdonewiththem.IfwithinalimitedtimetheywerefoundoutsidethePale,theywouldbeseized
andsenthomeinchains.
Therewerecertainexceptionstotheruleofcompulsoryservice.Theonlysonofafamilywas
exempt,andcertainothers.Inthephysicalexaminationprecedingconscription,manywererejected
onaccountofvariousfaults.Thisgavethepeopletheideaofinflictinginjuriesonthemselves,soasto
producetemporarydeformitiesonaccountofwhichtheymightberejectedattheexamination.Men
wouldsubmittooperationsontheireyes,ears,orlimbs,whichcausedthemhorriblesufferings,inthe
hopeofescapingtheservice.Iftheoperationwassuccessful,thepatientwasrejectedbythe
examiningofficers,andinashorttimehewaswell,andafreeman.Often,however,thedeformity
intendedtobetemporaryprovedincurable,sothatthereweremanymeninPolotzkblindofoneeye,
orhardofhearing,orlame,asaresultofthesesecretpracticesbutthesethingswereeasiertobear
thanthememoryoffouryearsintheCzar'sservice.
Sonsofrichfatherscouldescapeservicewithoutleavinganymarksontheirpersons.Itwasalways
possibletobribeconscriptionofficers.Thiswasadangerouspractice,itwasnottheofficerswho
sufferedmostincasethenegotiationsleakedout,butnorespectablefamilywouldletasonbetaken
asarecruittillithadmadeeveryefforttosavehim.Mygrandfathernearlyruinedhimselftobuyhis
sonsoutofserviceandmymothertellsthrillinganecdotesofheryoungerbrother'slife,whoforyears
livedinhiding,underassumednamesandinvariousdisguises,tillhehadpassedtheageofliability
forservice.
IfitwerecowardicethatmadetheJewsshrinkfrommilitaryservicetheywouldnotinflicton
themselvesphysicaltorturesgreaterthananythatthreatenedtheminthearmy,andwhichoftenleft
themmaimedforlife.Ifitwereavaricethefearoflosingthegainsfromtheirbusinessforfouryears
theywouldnotemptytheirpocketsandselltheirhousesandsinkintodebt,onthechanceof
successfullybribingtheCzar'sagents.TheJewishrecruitdreaded,indeed,brutalityandinjusticeat
thehandsofofficersandcomradeshefearedforhisfamily,whichheleft,oftenenough,as
dependentsonthecharityofrelativesbutthefearofanunholylifewasgreaterthanallotherfears.I
know,forIremembermycousinwhowastakenasasoldier.Everythinghadbeendonetosavehim.
Moneyhadbeenspentfreelymyuncledidnotstopathisunmarrieddaughter'sportion,when
everythingelsewasgone.Mycousinhadalsosubmittedtosomesecrettreatment,somedevastating
drugadministeredformonthsbeforetheexamination,buttheeffectswerenotpronouncedenough,
andhewaspassed.ForthefirstfewweekshiscompanywasstationedinPolotzk.Isawmycousin
drillonthesquare,carryingagun,onaSabbath.Ifeltunholy,asifIhadsinnedthesininmyown
person.Itwaseasytounderstandwhymothersofconscriptsonsfastedandweptandprayedand
worriedthemselvestotheirgraves.
TherewasamaninourtowncalledDavidtheSubstitute,becausehehadgoneasasoldierinanother's
stead,hehimselfbeingexempt.Hediditforasumofmoney.Isupposehisfamilywasstarving,and
hesawachancetoprovideforthemforafewyears.Butitwasasinfulthingtodo,togoasasoldier
andbeobligedtolivelikeaGentile,ofhisownfreewill.AndDavidknewhowwickeditwas,forhe
wasapiousmanatheart.Whenhereturnedfromservice,hewasagedandbroken,boweddownwith
thesenseofhissins.Andhesethimselfapenance,whichwastogothroughthestreetseverySabbath
morning,callingthepeopletoprayer.Nowthiswasahardthingtodo,becauseDavidlaboredbitterly
alltheweek,exposedtotheweather,summerorwinterandonSabbathmorningtherewasnobodyso
tiredandlameandsoreasDavid.Yetheforcedhimselftoleavehisbedbeforeitwasyetdaylight,
andgofromstreettostreet,alloverPolotzk,callingonthepeopletowakeandgotoprayer.Manya
SabbathmorningIawokewhenDavidcalled,andlaylisteningtohisvoiceasitpassedanddiedout
anditwassosadthatithurt,asbeautifulmusichurts.Iwasgladtofeelmysisterlyingbesideme,for
itwaslonelyinthegraydawn,withonlyDavidandmeawake,andGodwaitingforthepeople's
prayers.
TheGentilesusedtowonderatusbecausewecaredsomuchaboutreligiousthings,aboutfood,and
Sabbath,andteachingthechildrenHebrew.Theywereangrywithusforourobstinacy,astheycalled
it,andmockedusandridiculedthemostsacredthings.TherewerewiseGentileswhounderstood.
Thesewereeducatedpeople,likeFedoraPavlovna,whomadefriendswiththeirJewishneighbors.
Theywerealwaysrespectful,andopenlyadmiredsomeofourways.ButmostoftheGentileswere
ignorantanddistrustfulandspiteful.Theywouldnotbelievethattherewasanygoodinourreligion,
andofcoursewedarednotteachthem,becauseweshouldbeaccusedoftryingtoconvertthem,and
thatwouldbetheendofus.
Oh,iftheycouldonlyunderstand!Vankacaughtmeonthestreetoneday,andpulledmyhair,and
calledmenamesandallofasuddenIaskedmyselfwhywhy?athingIhadstoppedaskingyears
before.IwassoangrythatIcouldhavepunishedhimforonemomentIwasnotafraidtohitback.
Butthiswhywhy?brokeoutinmyheart,andIforgottorevengemyself.Itwassowonderful
Well,therewerenowordsinmyheadtosayit,butitmeantthatVankaabusedmeonlybecausehe
didnotunderstand.Ifhecouldfeelwithmyheart,ifhecouldbealittleJewishboyforoneday,I
thought,hewouldknowhewouldknow.IfhecouldunderstandaboutDavidtheSubstitute,now,
withoutbeingtold,asIunderstood.IfhecouldwakeinmyplaceonSabbathmorning,andfeelhis
heartbreakinhimwithastrangepain,becauseaJewhaddishonoredthelawofMoses,andGodwas
bendingdowntopardonhim.Oh,whycouldInotmakeVankaunderstand?Iwassosorrythatmy
hearthurtme,worsethanVanka'sblows.Myangerandmycourageweregone.Vankawasthrowing
stonesatmenowfromhismother'sdoorway,andIcontinuedonmyerrand,butIdidnothurry.The
thingthathurtmemostIcouldnotrunawayfrom.
TherewasonethingtheGentilesalwaysunderstood,andthatwasmoney.Theywouldtakeanykind
ofbribeatanytime.PeacecostsomuchayearinPolotzk.Ifyoudidnotkeepongoodtermswith
yourGentileneighbors,theyhadahundredwaysofmolestingyou.Ifyouchasedtheirpigswhenthey
camerootingupyourgarden,orobjectedtotheirchildrenmaltreatingyourchildren,theymight
complainagainstyoutothepolice,stuffingtheircasewithfalseaccusationsandfalsewitnesses.If
youhadnotmadefriendswiththepolice,thecasemightgotocourtandthereyoulostbeforethetrial
wascalled,unlessthejudgehadreasontobefriendyou.ThecheapestwaytoliveinPolotzkwasto
payasyouwentalong.Evenalittlegirlunderstoodthat,inPolotzk.
Perhapsyourparentswereinbusiness,usuallytheywere,asalmosteverybodykeptstore,andyou
heardagreatdealaboutthechiefofpolice,andexciseofficers,andotheragentsoftheCzar.Between
theCzarwhomyouhadneverseen,andthepolicemanwhomyouknewtoowell,youpicturedto
yourselfalongrowofofficialsofallsorts,allwiththeirpalmsstretchedouttoreceiveyourfather's
money.Youknewyourfatherhatedthemall,butyousawhimsmileandbendashefilledthose
greedypalms.Youdidthesame,inyourpettyway,whenyousawVankacomingtowardyouona
lonelystreet,andyouheldouttohimthecoreoftheappleyouhadbeenchewing,andforcedyour
unwillinglipsintoasmile.Ithurt,thatfalsesmileitmadeyoufeelblackinside.
Inyourfather'sparlorhungalargecoloredportraitofAlexanderIII.TheCzarwasacrueltyrant,
oh,itwaswhisperedwhendoorswerelockedandshutterstightlybarred,atnight,hewasaTitus,a
Haman,aswornfoeofallJews,andyethisportraitwasseeninaplaceofhonorinyourfather's
house.Youknewwhy.Itlookedwellwhenpoliceorgovernmentofficerscameonbusiness.
Youwentouttoplayonemorning,andsawalittleknotofpeoplegatheredaroundalamppost.There
wasanoticeonitaneworderfromthechiefofpolice.Youpushedintothecrowd,andstaredatthe
placard,butyoucouldnotread.Awomanwitharaggedshawllookeddownuponyou,andsaid,with
abitterkindofsmile,"Rejoice,rejoice,littlegirl!Thechiefofpolicebidsyourejoice.Thereshallbe
aprettyflagflyingfromeveryhousetoptoday,becauseitistheCzar'sbirthday,andwemust
celebrate.Comeandwatchthepoorpeoplepawntheirsamovarsandcandlesticks,toraisemoneyfor
aprettyflag.Itisaholiday,littlegirl.Rejoice!"
Youknowthewomanismocking,youarefamiliarwiththequalityofthatsmilebutyouaccept
thehintandgoandwatchthepeoplebuytheirflags.Yourcousinkeepsadrygoodsstore,whereyou
haveafineviewoftheproceedings.Thereisacrowdaroundthecounter,andyourcousinandthe
assistantarebusilymeasuringofflengthsofcloth,red,andblue,andwhite.
"Howmuchdoesittake?"somebodyasks."MayIknownomoreofsinthanIknowofflags,"another
replies."Howisitputtogether?""Doyouhavetohaveallthreecolors?"Onecustomerputsdowna
fewkopecksonthecounter,saying,"Givemeapieceofflag.ThisisallthemoneyIhave.Giveme
theredandtheblueI'lltearupmyshirtforthewhite."
Youknowitisnojoke.Theflagmustshowfromeveryhouse,ortheownerwillbedraggedtothe
policestation,topayafineoftwentyfiverubles.Whathappenedtotheoldwomanwholivesinthat
tumbledownshantyovertheway?Itwasthatothertimewhenflagswereorderedup,becausethe
GrandDukewastovisitPolotzk.Theoldwomanhadnoflag,andnomoney.Shehopedthe
policemanwouldnotnoticehermiserablehut.Buthedid,thevigilantone,andhewentupandkicked
thedooropenwithhisgreatboot,andhetookthelastpillowfromthebed,andsoldit,andhoisteda
flagabovetherottenroof.Iknewtheoldwomanwell,withheronewateryeyeandhercrumpled
hands.Ioftentookaplateofsouptoherfromourkitchen.Therewasnothingbutragsleftonherbed,
whenthepolicemanhadtakenthepillow.
TheCzaralwaysgothisdues,nomatterifitruinedafamily.Therewasapoorlocksmithwhoowed
theCzarthreehundredrubles,becausehisbrotherhadescapedfromRussiabeforeservinghistermin
thearmy.TherewasnosuchfineforGentiles,onlyforJewsandthewholefamilywasliable.Now,
thelocksmithnevercouldhavesomuchmoney,andhehadnovaluablestopawn.Thepolicecame
andattachedhishouseholdgoods,everythinghehad,includinghisyoungbride'strousseauandthe
saleofthegoodsbroughtthirtyfiverubles.Afterayear'stimethepolicecameagain,lookingforthe
balanceoftheCzar'sdues.Theyputtheirsealoneverythingtheyfound.Thebridewasinbedwith
herfirstbaby,aboy.Thecircumcisionwastobenextday.Thepolicedidnotleaveasheettowrap
thechildinwhenheishandedupfortheoperation.
ManybittersayingscametoyourearsifyouwereaJewishlittlegirlinPolotzk."Itisafalseworld,"
youheard,andyouknewitwasso,lookingattheCzar'sportrait,andattheflags."Nevertellapolice
officerthetruth,"wasanothersaying,andyouknewitwasgoodadvice.Thatfineofthreehundred
rubleswasasentenceoflifelongslaveryforthepoorlocksmith,unlesshefreedhimselfbysome
trick.Asfastashecouldcollectafewragsandsticks,thepolicewouldbeafterthem.Hemighthide
underafalsename,ifhecouldgetawayfromPolotzkonafalsepassportorhemightbribethe
properofficialstoissueafalsecertificateofthemissingbrother'sdeath.Onlybyfalsemeanscouldhe
securepeaceforhimselfandhisfamily,aslongastheCzarwasafterhisdues.
ItwasbewilderingtohearhowmanykindsofdutiesandtaxesweowedtheCzar.Wepaidtaxeson
ourhouses,andtaxesontherentsfromthehouses,taxesonourbusiness,taxesonourprofits.Iam
notsurewhetherthereweretaxesonourlosses.Thetowncollectedtaxes,andthecounty,andthe
centralgovernmentandthechiefofpolicewehadalwayswithus.Thereweretaxesforpublicworks,
butrottenpavementswentonrottingyearafteryearandwhenabridgewastobebuilt,specialtaxes
werelevied.Abridge,bytheway,wasnotalwaysapublichighway.Arailroadbridgeacrossthe
Dvina,whileopentothemilitary,couldbeusedbythepeopleonlybyindividualpermission.
Myuncleexplainedtomeallabouttheexcisedutiesontobacco.Tobaccobeingasourceof
governmentrevenue,therewasaheavytaxonit.Cigarettesweretaxedateverystepoftheirprocess.
Thetobaccowastaxedseparately,andthepaper,andthemouthpiece,andonthefinishedproductan
additionaltaxwasput.Therewasnotaxonthesmoke.TheCzarmusthaveoverlookedit.
Businessreallydidnotpaywhenthepriceofgoodswassoswollenbytaxesthatthepeoplecouldnot
buy.TheonlywaytomakebusinesspaywastocheatcheattheGovernmentofpartoftheduties.
ButplayingtricksontheCzarwasdangerous,withsomanyspieswatchinghisinterests.Peoplewho
soldcigaretteswithoutthegovernmentsealgotmoregrayhairsthanbanknotesoutoftheirbusiness.
Theconstantrisk,theworry,thedreadofapoliceraidinthenight,andtheruinousfines,incaseof
detection,leftverylittlemarginofprofitorcomforttothedealerincontrabandgoods."Butwhatcan
onedo?"thepeoplesaid,withtheshrugoftheshouldersthatexpressesthehelplessnessofthePale.
"Whatcanonedo?Onemustlive."
Itwasnoteasytolive,withsuchbittercompetitionasthecongestionofpopulationmadeinevitable.
Thereweretentimesasmanystoresasthereshouldhavebeen,tentimesasmanytailors,cobblers,
barbers,tinsmiths.AGentile,ifhefailedinPolotzk,couldgoelsewhere,wheretherewasless
competition.AJewcouldmakethecircleofthePale,onlytofindthesameconditionsasathome.
OutsidethePalehecouldonlygotocertaindesignatedlocalities,onpaymentofprohibitivefees,
augmentedbyaconstantstreamofbribesandeventhenhelivedatthemercyofthelocalchiefof
police.
ArtisanshadtherighttoresideoutsidethePale,onfulfilmentofcertainconditions.Thissoundedeasy
tome,whenIwasalittlegirl,tillIrealizedhowitworked.Therewasacapmakerwhohadduly
qualified,bypassinganexaminationandpayingforhistradepapers,toliveinacertaincity.The
chiefofpolicesuddenlytookitintohisheadtoimpeachthegenuinenessofhispapers.Thecapmaker
wasobligedtotraveltoSt.Petersburg,wherehehadqualifiedinthefirstplace,torepeatthe
examination.Hespentthesavingsofyearsinpettybribes,tryingtohastentheprocess,butwas
detainedtenmonthsbybureaucraticredtape.Whenatlengthhereturnedtohishometown,hefound
anewchiefofpolice,installedduringhisabsence,whodiscoveredanewflawinthepapershehad
justobtained,andexpelledhimfromthecity.IfhecametoPolotzk,therewerethenelevencapmakers
whereonlyonecouldmakealiving.
Merchantsfaredliketheartisans.They,too,couldbuytherightofresidenceoutsidethePale,
permanentortemporary,onconditionsthatgavethemnorealsecurity.Iwasproudtohaveanuncle
whowasamerchantoftheFirstGuild,butitwasveryexpensiveformyuncle.Hehadtopayso
muchayearforthetitle,andacertainpercentageontheprofitsfromhisbusiness.Thisgavehimthe
righttotravelonbusinessoutsidethePale,twiceayear,fornotmorethansixmonthsinall.Ifhe
werefoundoutsidethePaleafterhispermitexpired,hehadtopayafinethatexceededallhehad
gainedbyhisjourney,perhaps.IusedtopicturemyuncleonhisRussiantravels,hurrying,hurrying
tofinishhisbusinessinthelimitedtimewhileapolicemanmarchedbehindhim,tickingoffthedays
andcountingupthehours.Thatwasafoolishfancy,butsomeofthethingsthatweredoneinRussia
reallywereveryfunny.
TherewerethingsinPolotzkthatmadeyoulaughwithoneeyeandweepwiththeother,likeaclown.
Duringanepidemicofcholera,thecityofficials,suddenlybecomingenergetic,openedstationsforthe
distributionofdisinfectantstothepeople.Aquarterofthepopulationwasdeadwhentheybegan,and
mostofthedeadwereburied,whilesomelaydecayingindesertedhouses.Thesurvivors,someof
themcrazyfromhorror,stolethroughtheemptystreets,avoidingoneanother,tilltheycametothe
appointedstations,wheretheypushedandcrowdedtogettheirlittlebottlesofcarbolicacid.Many
diedfromfearinthosehorribledays,butsomemusthavediedfromlaughter.ForonlytheGentiles
wereallowedtoreceivethedisinfectant.PoorJewswhohadnothingbuttheirnewmadegraveswere
drivenawayfromthestations.
PerhapsitwaswrongofustothinkofourGentileneighborsasadifferentspeciesofbeingsfrom
ourselves,butsuchmadnessasthatdidnothelptomakethemmorehumaninoureyes.Itwaseasier
tobefriendswiththebeastsinthebarnthanwithsomeoftheGentiles.Thecowandthegoatandthe
catrespondedtokindness,andrememberedwhichofthehousemaidswasgenerousandwhichwas
cross.TheGentilesmadenodistinctions.AJewwasaJew,tobehatedandspatuponandused
spitefully.
TheonlyGentiles,besidesthefewoftheintelligentkind,whodidnothabituallylookuponuswith
hateandcontempt,werethestupidpeasantsfromthecountry,whowerehardlyhumanthemselves.
Theylivedinfilthyhutstogetherwiththeirswine,andalltheycaredforwashowtogetsomethingto
eat.Itwasnottheirfault.Thelandlawsmadethemsopoorthattheyhadtosellthemselvestofill
theirbellies.Whathelpwasthereforusinthegoodwillofsuchwretchedslaves?Foracaskofvodka
youcouldbuyupawholevillageofthem.Theytrembledbeforethemeanesttownsman,andatasign
fromalonghairedpriesttheywouldsharpentheiraxesagainstus.
TheGentileshadtheirexcusefortheirmalice.Theysaidourmerchantsandmoneylenderspreyed
uponthem,andourshopkeepersgavefalsemeasure.PeoplewhowanttodefendtheJewsoughtnever
todenythis.Yes,Isay,wecheatedtheGentileswheneverwedared,becauseitwastheonlythingto
do.RememberhowtheCzarwasalwayssendinguscommands,youshallnotdothisandyoushall
notdothat,untiltherewaslittleleftthatwemighthonestlydo,exceptpaytributeanddie.Therehe
haduscoopedup,thousandsofuswhereonlyhundredscouldlive,andeverymeansoflivingtaxedto
theutmost.Whentherearetoomanywolvesintheprairie,theybegintopreyuponeachother.We
starvingcaptivesofthePalewedidasdothehungrybrutes.Butourhumanityshowedinour
discriminationbetweenourvictims.Wheneverwecould,wesparedourownkind,directingagainst
ourracialfoesthecunningwileswhichourbitterneedinvented.Isnotthatthecodeofwar?
Encampedinthemidstoftheenemy,wecouldpracticenoother.AJewcouldhardlyexistinbusiness
unlesshedevelopedadualconscience,whichallowedhimtodototheGentilewhathewouldcalla
sinagainstafellowJew.SuchspiritualdeformitiesareselfexplainedinthestepchildrenoftheCzar.
AglanceoverthestatutesofthePaleleavesyouwonderingthattheRussianJewshavenotlostall
semblancetohumanity.
THEGRAVEDIGGEROFPOLOTZK
Afavoritecomplaintagainstuswasthatweweregreedyforgold.WhycouldnottheGentilesseethe
wholetruthwheretheysawhalf?Greedyforprofitswewere,eagerforbargains,forsavings,intenton
squeezingtheutmostoutofeverybusinesstransaction.Butwhy?DidnottheGentilesknowthe
reason?Didtheynotknowwhatpricewehadtopayfortheairwebreathed?IfaJewandaGentile
keptstoresidebyside,theGentilecouldcontenthimselfwithsmallerprofits.Hedidnothavetobuy
permissiontotravelintheinterestsofhisbusiness.Hedidnothavetopaythreehundredrublesfineif
hissonevadedmilitaryservice.Hewassavedtheexpenseofhushingincitersofpogroms.Police
favorwasretailedatalowerpricetohimthantotheJew.Hisnaturedidnotcompelhimtosupport
schoolsandcharities.ItcostnothingtobeaChristianonthecontrary,itbroughtrewardsand
immunities.TobeaJewwasacostlyluxury,thepriceofwhichwaseithermoneyorblood.Isitany
wonderthatwehoardedourpennies?Whathisshieldistothesoldierinbattle,thatwastherubleto
theJewinthePale.
TheknowledgeofsuchthingsasIamtellingleavesmarksuponthefleshandspirit.Irememberlittle
childreninPolotzkwithold,oldfacesandeyesglazedwithsecrets.Iknewhowtododgeandcringe
anddissemblebeforeIknewthenamesoftheseasons.AndIhadplentyoftimetoponderonthese
things,becauseIwassoidle.Iftheyhadletmegotoschool,nowButofcoursetheydidn't.
Therewasnofreeschoolforgirls,andevenifyourparentswererichenoughtosendyoutoaprivate
school,youcouldnotgoveryfar.Atthehighschool,whichwasundergovernmentcontrol,Jewish
childrenwereadmittedinlimitednumbers,onlytentoeveryhundred,andevenifyouwere
amongtheluckyones,youhadyourtroubles.Thetutorwhopreparedyoutalkedallthetimeaboutthe
examinationsyouwouldhavetopass,tillyouwerescared.Youheardonallsidesthatthebrightest
Jewishchildrenwereturneddowniftheexaminingofficersdidnotliketheturnoftheirnoses.You
wentuptobeexaminedwiththeotherJewishchildren,yourheartheavyaboutthatmatterofyour
noseTherewasaspecialexaminationfortheJewishcandidates,ofcourseanineyearoldJewish
childhadtoanswerquestionsthatathirteenyearoldGentilewashardlyexpectedtounderstand.But
thatdidnotmattersomuch.Youhadbeenpreparedforthethirteenyearoldtestyoufoundthe
questionsquiteeasy.Youwroteyouranswerstriumphantlyandyoureceivedalowrating,andthere
wasnoappeal.
Iusedtostandinthedoorwayofmyfather'sstore,munchinganapplethatdidnottastegoodany
more,andwatchthepupilsgoinghomefromschoolintwosandthrees:thegirlsinneatbrowndresses
andblackapronsandlittlestiffhats,theboysintrimuniformswithmanybuttons.Theyhadeverso
manybooksinthesatchelsontheirbacks.Theywouldtakethemoutathome,andreadandwrite,and
learnallsortsofinterestingthings.Theylookedtomelikebeingsfromanotherworldthanmine.But
thosewhomIenviedhadtheirowntroubles,asIoftenheard.Theirschoollifewasonestruggle
againstinjusticefrominstructors,spitefultreatmentfromfellowstudents,andinsultsfromeverybody.
Thosewho,byheroiceffortsandtranscendentgoodluck,successfullyfinishedthecourse,found
themselvesagainstanewwall,iftheywishedtogoon.Theywereturneddownattheuniversities,
whichadmittedthemintheratioofthreeJewstoahundredGentiles,underthesamedebarring
entranceconditionsasatthehighschool,especiallyrigorousexaminations,dishonestmarking,or
arbitraryrulingswithoutdisguise.No,theCzardidnotwantusintheschools.
Iheardfrommymotherofadifferentstateofaffairs,atthetimewhenherbrotherswerelittleboys.
TheCzarofthosedayshadabrightidea.Hesaidtohisministers:"Letuseducatethepeople.Letus
winoverthoseJewsthroughthepublicschools,insteadofallowingthemtopersistintheirnarrow
Hebrewlearning,whichteachesthemnolovefortheirmonarch.Forcehasfailedwiththemthe
unwillingconvertsreturntotheiroldwayswhenevertheydare.Letustryeducation."
PerhapspeaceableconversionoftheJewswasnottheCzar'sonlymotivewhenheopenedpublic
schoolseverywhereandcompelledparentstosendtheirboysforinstruction.Perhapshejustwanted
tobegood,andreallyhopedtobenefitthecountry.ButtotheJewsthepublicschoolsappearedasa
trapdoortotheabyssofapostasy.TheinstructorswerealwaysChristians,theteachingwasChristian,
andtheregulationsoftheschoolroom,astohours,costume,andmanners,wereofteninoppositionto
Jewishpractices.Thepublicschoolinterruptedtheboy'ssacredstudiesintheHebrewschool.Where
wouldyoulookforpiousJews,afterafewgenerationsofboysbroughtupbyChristianteachers?
PlainlytheCzarwasafterthesoulsoftheJewishchildren.Thechurchdoorgapedforthemattheend
oftheschoolcourse.AndallgoodJewsroseupagainsttheschools,andbyeverymeans,fairorfoul,
kepttheirboysaway.Theofficialappointedtokeeptheregisterofboysforschoolpurposeswaxed
richonthebribespaidhimbyanxiousparentswhokepttheirsonsinhiding.
AfterawhilethewiseCzarchangedhismind,orhedied,probablyhedidboth,andtheschools
wereclosed,andtheJewishboysperusedtheirHebrewbooksinpeace,wearingthesacredfringes1in
plainsight,andneverpollutingtheirmouthswithawordofRussian.
AndthenitwastheJewswhochangedtheirmindssomeofthem.Theywantedtosendtheir
childrentoschool,tolearnhistoriesandsciences,becausetheyhaddiscoveredthattherewasgoodin
suchthingsaswellasintheSacredLaw.Thesepeoplewerecalledprogressive,buttheyhadno
chancetoprogress.Alltheczarsthatcamealongpersistedintheoldidea,thatfortheJewnodoor
shouldbeopened,nodooroutofthePale,nodooroutoftheirmedivalism.
CHAPTERII
CHILDRENOFTHELAW.
ASIlookbacktodayIsee,withinthewallraisedaroundmybirthplacebythevigilanceofthepolice,
anotherwall,higher,thicker,moreimpenetrable.ThisisthewallwhichtheCzarwithallhisminions
couldnotshake,thepriestswiththeirinstrumentsoftorturecouldnotpierce,themobwiththeir
firebrandscouldnotdestroy.ThiswallwithinthewallisthereligiousintegrityoftheJews,afortress
erectedbytheprisonersofthePale,indefianceoftheirjailersastrongholdbuiltoftheruinsoftheir
pillagedhomes,cementedwiththebloodoftheirmurderedchildren.
Harassedoneveryside,thwartedineverynormaleffort,pentupwithinnarrowlimits,allbut
dehumanized,theRussianJewfellbackupontheonlythingthatneverfailedhim,hishereditary
faithinGod.InthestudyoftheTorahhefoundthebalmforallhiswoundstheminuteobservanceof
traditionalritesbecametheexpressionofhisspiritualcravingsandinthedreamofarestorationto
Palestineheforgottheworld.
Whatdiditmattertous,onaSabbathorfestival,whenourlifewascentredinthesynagogue,what
czarsatonthethrone,whatevilcounsellorswhisperedinhisear?Theywereconcernedwithrevenues
andpoliciesandephemeraltriflesofallsorts,whilewewereintentonrenewingourancientcovenant
withGod,totheendthatHispromisetotheworldshouldbefulfilled,andHisjusticeoverwhelmthe
nations.
OnaFridayafternoonthestoresandmarketsclosedearly.Theclatterofbusinessceased,thedustof
worrywaslaid,andtheSabbathpeacefloodedthequietstreets.Nohovelsomeanbutwhatits
casementsentoutitsconsecratedray,sothatawayfarerpassinginthetwilightsawthespiritofGod
broodingoverthelowlyroof.
Careandfearandshrewishnessdroppedlikeamaskfromeveryface.Eyesdimmedwithweeping
kindledwithinmostjoy.Whereveraheadbentoverasacredpage,thererestedthehaloofGod's
presence.
Notonfestivalsalone,butalsoonthecommondaysoftheweek,welivedbytheLawthathadbeen
givenusthroughourteacherMoses.Howtoeat,howtobathe,howtoworkeverythinghadbeen
writtendownforus,andwestrovetofulfiltheLaw.ThestudyoftheTorahwasthemosthonoredof
alloccupations,andtheywhoengagedinitthemostreveredofallmen.
MymemorydoesnotgobacktoatimewhenIwastooyoungtoknowthatGodhadmadetheworld,
andhadappointedteacherstotellthepeoplehowtoliveinit.FirstcameMoses,andafterhimthe
greatrabbis,andfinallytheRavofPolotzk,whoreadalldayinthesacredbooks,sothathecouldtell
meandmyparentsandmyfriendswhattodowheneverwewereindoubt.Ifmymothercutupa
chickenandfoundsomethingwronginit,somehurtormarkthatshouldnotbe,shesentthe
housemaidwithittotherav,andIranalong,andsawtheravlookinhisbigbooksandwhateverhe
decidedwasright.Ifhecalledthechicken"trefah"Imustnoteatofitno,notifIhadtostarve.And
theravknewabouteverything:aboutgoingonajourney,aboutbusiness,aboutmarrying,about
purifyingvesselsforPassover.
Anothergreatteacherwasthedayyan,whoheardpeople'squarrelsandsettledthemaccordingtothe
Law,sothattheyshouldnothavetogototheGentilecourts.TheGentileswerefalse,judgesand
witnessesandall.Theyfavoredtherichmanagainstthepoor,theChristianagainsttheJew.The
dayyanalwaysgavetruejudgments.NohemRabinovitch,therichestmaninPolotzk,couldnotwina
caseagainstaservantmaid,unlesshewereintheright.
Besidestheravandthedayyantherewereothermenwhosecallingswereholy,theshohat,who
knewhowcattleandfowlsshouldbekilledthehazzanandtheotherofficersofthesynagoguethe
teachersofHebrew,andtheirpupils.Itdidnotmatterhowpooramanwas,hewastoberespected
andsetaboveothermen,ifhewerelearnedintheLaw.
InthesynagoguescoresofmensatalldaylongovertheHebrewbooks,studyinganddisputingfrom
earlydawntillcandleswerebroughtinatnight,andthenaslongasthecandleslasted.Theycouldnot
taketimeforanythingelse,iftheymeanttobecomegreatscholars.Mostofthemwerestrangersin
Polotzk,andhadnohomeexceptthesynagogue.Theysleptonbenches,ontables,onthefloorthey
pickeduptheirmealswherevertheycould.Theyhadcomefromdistantcities,soastobeundergood
teachersinPolotzkandthetownspeoplewereproudtosupportthembygivingthemfoodand
clothingandsometimesmoneytovisittheirhomesonholidays.Butthepoorstudentscameinsuch
numbersthattherewerenotenoughrichfamiliestoprovideforall,sothatsomeofthemsuffered
privation.Youcouldpickoutapoorstudentinacrowd,byhispalefaceandshrunkenform.
Therewasalmostalwaysapoorstudenttakingmealsatourhouse.Hewasassignedacertainday,and
onthatdaymygrandmothertookcaretohavesomethingespeciallygoodfordinner.Itwasavery
shabbyguestwhosatdownwithusattable,butwechildrenwatchedhimwithrespectfuleyes.
Grandmotherhadtoldusthathewasalamden(scholar),andwesawsomethingholyinthewayheate
hiscabbage.
Noteverymancouldhopetobearav,butnoJewishboywasallowedtogrowupwithoutatleasta
rudimentaryknowledgeofHebrew.Thescantiestincomehadtobedividedsoastoprovideforthe
boys'tuition.Toleaveaboywithoutateacherwasadisgraceuponthewholefamily,totheremotest
relative.Forthechildrenofthedestitutetherewasafreeschool,supportedbythecharityofthepious.
Andsoeveryboywassenttoheder(Hebrewschool)almostassoonashecouldspeakandusuallyhe
continuedtostudyuntilhisconfirmation,atthirteenyearsofage,orasmuchlongerashistalentand
ambitioncarriedhim.Mybrotherwasfiveyearsoldwhenheenteredonhisstudies.Hewascarriedto
theheder,onthefirstday,coveredoverwithaprayingshawl,sothatnothingunholyshouldlookon
himandhewaspresentedwithabun,onwhichweretraced,inhoney,thesewords:"TheTorahleft
byMosesistheheritageofthechildrenofJacob."
Afteraboyenteredheder,hewastheheroofthefamily.Hewasservedbeforetheotherchildrenat
table,andnothingwastoogoodforhim.Ifthefamilywereverypoor,allthegirlsmightgobarefoot,
butthehederboymusthaveshoeshemusthaveaplateofhotsoup,thoughtheothersatedrybread.
Whentherebbe(teacher)cameonSabbathafternoon,toexaminetheboyinthehearingofthefamily,
everybodysataroundthetableandnoddedwithsatisfaction,ifhereadhisportionwellandhewas
givenagreatsaucerfulofpreserves,andwaspraised,andblessed,andmademuchof.Nowonderhe
said,inhismorningprayer,"IthankThee,Lord,fornothavingcreatedmeafemale."Itwasnotmuch
tobeagirl,yousee.Girlscouldnotbescholarsandrabbonim.
Iwenttomybrother'sheder,sometimes,tobringhimhisdinner,andsawhowtheboysstudied.They
satonbenchesaroundthetable,withtheirhatson,ofcourse,andthesacredfringeshangingbeneath
theirjackets.Therebbesatatanendofthetable,rehearsingtwoorthreeoftheboyswhowere
studyingthesamepart,pointingoutthewordswithhiswoodenpointer,soasnottolosetheplace.
Everybodyreadaloud,thesmallestboysrepeatingthealphabetinasingsong,whiletheadvanced
boysreadtheirportionsinadifferentsingsongandeverybodyraisedhisvoicetoitsloudestsoasto
drowntheothervoices.Thegoodboysnevertooktheireyesofftheirpage,excepttoasktherebbea
questionbutthenaughtyboysstaredaroundtheroom,andkickedeachotherunderthetable,tillthe
rebbecaughtthematit.Hehadarulerforstrikingthebadboysontheknuckles,andinacornerofthe
roomleanedalongbirchwandforpupilswhowouldnotlearntheirlessons.
Theboyscametohederbeforenineinthemorning,andremaineduntileightornineintheevening.
Stupidpupils,whocouldnotrememberthelesson,sometimeshadtostaytillten.Therewasanhour
fordinnerandplayatnoon.Goodlittleboysplayedquietlyintheirplaces,butmostoftheboysran
outofthehouseandjumpedandyelledandquarrelled.
TherewasnothinginwhattheboysdidinhederthatIcouldnothavedoneifIhadnotbeenagirl.
ForagirlitwasenoughifshecouldreadherprayersinHebrew,andfollowthemeaningbythe
Yiddishtranslationatthebottomofthepage.Itdidnottakelongtolearnthismuch,acoupleof
termswitharebbetzin(femaleteacher),andafterthatshewasdonewithbooks.
Agirl'srealschoolroomwashermother'skitchen.Thereshelearnedtobakeandcookandmanage,to
knit,sew,andembroideralsotospinandweave,incountryplaces.Andwhileherhandswerebusy,
hermotherinstructedherinthelawsregulatingapiousJewishhouseholdandintheconductproper
foraJewishwifefor,ofcourse,everygirlhopedtobeawife.Agirlwasbornfornootherpurpose.
Howsoonitcame,thepiousburdenofwifehood!Onedaythegirlisplayingforfeitswithher
laughingfriends,thenextdaysheismissedfromthecircle.Shehasbeensummonedtoaconference
withtheshadchan(marriagebroker),whohasbeenformonthspastadvertisingherhousewifely
talents,herpiety,hergoodlooks,andhermarriageportion,amongfamilieswithmarriageablesons.
Herparentsarepleasedwiththesoninlawproposedbytheshadchan,andnow,atthelast,thegirlis
broughtin,tobeexaminedandappraisedbytheprospectiveparentsinlaw.Ifthenegotiationsgooff
smoothly,themarriagecontractiswritten,presentsareexchangedbetweentheengagedcouple,
throughtheirrespectiveparents,andallthatisleftthegirlofhermaidenhoodisaperiodofbusy
preparationforthewedding.
HEDER(HEBREWSCHOOL)FORBOYSINPOLOTZK
Ifthegirliswelltodo,itisahappyinterval,spentinvisitstothedrapersandtailors,incollecting
linensandfeatherbedsandvesselsofcopperandbrass.Theformerplaymatescometoinspectthe
trousseau,enviouslyfingeringthesilksandvelvetsofthebrideelect.Thehappyheroinetrieson
frocksandmantlesbeforeherglass,blushingatreferencestotheweddingdayandtothequestion,
"Howdoyoulikethebridegroom?"shereplies,"HowshouldIknow?"Therewassuchacrowdatthe
betrothalthatIdidn'tseehim."
MarriagewasasacramentwithusJewsinthePale.TorearafamilyofchildrenwastoserveGod.
EveryJewishmanandwomanhadapartinthefulfilmentoftheancientpromisegiventoJacobthat
hisseedshouldbeabundantlyscatteredovertheearth.Parenthood,therefore,wasthegreatcareer.
Butwhilemen,inadditiontobegetting,mightbusythemselveswiththestudyoftheLaw,woman's
onlyworkwasmotherhood.Tobeleftanoldmaidbecame,accordingly,thegreatestmisfortunethat
couldthreatenagirlandtowardoffthatcalamitythegirlandherfamily,tothemostdistant
relatives,wouldstraineverynerve,whetherbycontributingtoherdowry,orhidingherdefectsfrom
themarriagebroker,orprayingandfastingthatGodmightsendherahusband.
Notonlymustallthechildrenofafamilybemated,buttheymustmarryintheorderoftheirages.A
youngerdaughtermustonnoaccountmarrybeforeanelder.Ahousefulofdaughtersmightbeheld
upbecausetheeldestfailedtofindfavorintheeyesofprospectivemothersinlawnotoneofthe
otherscouldmarrytilltheeldestwasdisposedof.
Acousinofminewasguiltyofthedisloyaltyofwishingtomarrybeforehereldersister,whowas
unfortunateenoughtoberejectedbyonemotherinlawafteranother.Myunclefearedthatthe
youngerdaughter,whowasofafirmandmasterfulnature,mightcarryoutherplans,thereby
disgracingherunhappysister.Accordinglyhehastenedtoconcludeanalliancewithafamilyfar
beneathhim,andthegirlwashastilymarriedtoaboyofwhomlittlewasknownbeyondthefactthat
hewasinclinedtoconsumption.
Theconsumptivetendencywasnosuchhorror,inanagewhensuperstitionwasmoreinvoguethan
science.ForonepatientthatwenttoaphysicianinPolotzk,thereweretenwhocalledinunlicensed
practitionersandmiracleworkers.Ifmymotherhadanobstinatetoothachethathonoredhousehold
remediesfailedtorelieve,shewenttoDvoshe,thepiouswoman,whocuredbymeansofaflintand
steel,andasecretprayerpronouncedasthesparksflewup.Duringanepidemicofscarletfever,we
protectedourselvesbywearingapieceofredwoolentapearoundtheneck.Pepperandsalttiedina
cornerofthepocketwaseffectiveinwardingofftheevileye.Therewereluckysigns,luckydreams,
spirits,andhobgoblins,agrislycollection,gatheredbyourwanderingancestorsfromthe
demonologiesofAsiaandEurope.
Antiquatedasourpopularfollieswastheorganizationofoursmallsociety.Itwasacastesystemwith
sociallevelssharplymarkedoff,andfamiliesunitedbyclannishties.Therichlookeddownonthe
poor,themerchantslookeddownontheartisans,andwithintheranksoftheartisanshigherandlower
gradesweredistinguished.Ashoemaker'sdaughtercouldnothopetomarrythesonofashopkeeper,
unlessshebroughtanextralargedowryandshehadtomakeuphermindtobesnubbedbythe
sistersinlawandcousinsinlawallherlife.
Onequalificationonlycouldraiseamanabovehissociallevel,andthatwasscholarship.Aboyborn
inthegutterneednotdespairofenteringthehousesoftherich,ifhehadagoodmindandagreat
appetiteforsacredlearning.Apoorscholarwouldbepreferredinthemarriagemarkettoarich
ignoramus.Inthephraseofourgrandmothers,aboystuffedwithlearningwasworthmorethanagirl
stuffedwithbanknotes.
Simplepietyunsupportedbylearninghadaparallelvalueintheeyesofgoodfamilies.Thiswas
especiallytrueamongtheHasidim,thesectofenthusiastswhosetreligiousexaltationabove
rabbinicallore.Ecstasyinprayerandfantasticmerrimentondaysofreligiousrejoicing,raiseda
Hasidtoaheroamonghiskind.Myfather'sgrandfather,whoknewofHebrewonlyenoughtoteach
beginners,wasfamousthroughagoodpartofthePaleforhisholylife.IsraelKimanyerhewas
called,fromthevillageofKimanyewherehelivedandpeoplewereproudtoestablisheventhemost
distantrelationshipwithhim.Israelwaspoortothevergeofbeggary,butheprayedmorethanother
people,neverfailedintheslightestobservanceenjoinedonJews,sharedhislastcrustwithevery
chancebeggar,andsatupnightstocommunewithGod.Hisfamilyconnectionsincludedcountry
peddlers,starvingartisans,andne'erdowellsbutIsraelwasazaddikamanofpietyandthefame
ofhisgoodliferedeemedthewholewretchedclan.Whenhisgrandson,myfather,cametomarry,he
boastedhisdirectdescentfromIsraelKimanyer,andpickedhisbridefromthebestfamilies.
ThelittlehousemaystillbestandingwhichthepiousJewsofKimanyeandtheneighboringvillages
builtformygreatgrandfather,closeonacenturyago.Hewastoopoortobuildhisownhouse,sothe
goodpeoplewholovedhim,andwhowerealmostaspoorashe,collectedafewrublesamong
themselves,andboughtasite,andbuiltthehouse.Built,letitbeknown,withtheirownhandsfor
theyweretoopoortohireworkmen.Theycarriedthebeamsandboardsontheirshoulders,singing
anddancingontheway,astheysanganddancedatthepresentationofascrolltothesynagogue.
Theyhauledandsawedandhammered,tillthelastnailwasdrivenhomeandwhentheyconducted
theholymantohisnewabode,therejoicingwasgreaterthanatthecrowningofaczar.
Thatlittlecabinwasfittobepreservedasthemonumenttoaspeciesofidealismthathasrarelybeen
knownoutsidethePale.Whatwastheultimatesourceofthepiousenthusiasmthatbuiltmygreat
grandfather'shouse?WhatwasthesubstancebehindtheshowoftheJudaismofthePale?Strippedof
itsgrotesquemaskofforms,rites,andmedivalsuperstitions,thereligionofthesefanaticswas
simplythebeliefthatGodwas,hadbeen,andeverwouldbe,andthatthey,thechildrenofJacob,
wereHischosenmessengerstocarryHisLawtoallthenations.Beneaththemountainousvolumesof
theTalmudistsandcommentators,theMosaictabletsremainedintact.OutofthemazesoftheCabala
thepuredoctrineofancientJudaismfounditswaytotheheartsofthefaithful.Sectsandschools
mightriseandfall,deafeningtheearsofthesimplewiththeclamoroftheirdisputes,stilltheJew,
retiringwithinhisownsoul,heardthevoiceoftheGodofAbraham.Prophets,messiahs,miracle
workersmighthavetheirday,stilltheJewwasconsciousthatbetweenhimselfandGodnogo
betweenwasneededthathe,aswellaseveryoneofhismillionbrothers,hadhisportionofGod's
worktodo.AndthiscloserelationtoGodwasthesourceofthestrengththatsustainedtheJew
throughallthetrialsofhislifeinthePale.Consciouslyorunconsciously,theJewidentifiedhimself
withthecauseofrighteousnessonearthandhencetheheroismwithwhichhemetthebattalionsof
tyrants.
NoemptyformscouldhaveimpressedtheunbornchildrenofthePalesodeeplythattheywere
preparedforwillingmartyrdomalmostassoonastheywereweanedfromtheirmother'sbreast.The
flameoftheburningbushthathaddazzledMosesstilllightedthegloomyprisonofthePale.Behind
themummeries,ceremonials,andsymbolicaccessories,theobjectoftheJew'sadorationwastheface
ofGod.
ThishasbeenmanytimesprovedbythosewhoescapedfromthePale,and,excitedbysudden
freedom,thoughttoridthemselves,byoneimpatienteffort,ofeverystrandoftheirancientbonds.
Eagertobemergedinthebetterworldinwhichtheyfoundthemselves,theescapedprisoners
determinedonachangeofmind,achangeofheart,achangeofmanner.Theyrejoicedintheir
transformation,thinkingthateverymarkoftheirformerslaverywasobliterated.Andthen,oneday,
caughtintheviseofsomecrucialtest,theJewfixedhisalarmedgazeonhisinmostsoul,andfound
theretheimageofhisfather'sGod.
Merrilyplayedthefiddlersattheweddingofmyfather,whowasthegrandsonofIsraelKimanyerof
saintedmemory.ThemostpiousmeninPolotzkdancedthenightthrough,theirearlocksdangling,the
tailsoftheirlongcoatsflyinginapiousecstasy.Beggarsswarmedamongthebiddenguests,sureof
aneasyharvestwheresomanyheartsweremeltedbypiety.Theweddingjesterexcelledhimselfin
aptallusionstothefriendsandrelativeswhobroughtuptheirweddingpresentsathismerry
invitation.Thesixteenyearoldbride,suffocatedbeneathherheavyveil,blushedunseenatthe
numeroushealthsdrunktoherfuturesonsanddaughters.Thewholetownwasaflutterwithjoy,
becausethepiousscionofagodlyracehadfoundapiouswife,andayoungbranchofthetreeof
Judahwasabouttobearfruit.
WhenIcametolieonmymother'sbreast,shesangmelullabiesonloftythemes.Iheardthenamesof
Rebecca,RachelandLeahasearlyasthenamesoffather,mother,andnurse.Mybabysoulwas
enthralledbysadandnoblecadences,asmymothersangofmyancienthomeinPalestine,or
mournedoverthedesolationofZion.Withthefirstrattlethatwasplacedinmyhandaprayerwas
pronouncedoverme,apetitionthatapiousmanmighttakemetowife,andamessiahbeamongmy
sons.
Iwasfedondreams,instructedbymeansofprophecies,trainedtohearandseemysticalthingsthat
calloussensescouldnotperceive.Iwastaughttocallmyselfaprincess,inmemoryofmyforefathers
whohadruledanation.ThoughIwentinthedisguiseofanoutcast,Ifeltahalorestingonmybrow.
Satuponbybrutalenemies,unjustlyhated,annihilatedahundredtimes,Iyetaroseandheldmyhead
high,surethatIshouldfindmykingdomintheend,althoughIhadlostmywayinexileforHewho
hadbroughtmyancestorssafethroughathousandperilswasguidingmyfeetaswell.Godneededme
andIneededHim,forwetwotogetherhadaworktodo,accordingtoanancientcovenantbetween
Himandmyforefathers.
ThisisthedreamtowhichIwasheir,incommonwitheverysadeyedchildofthePale.Thisisthe
livingseedwhichIfoundamongmyheirlooms,whenIlearnedhowtostripfromthemtheprickly
huskinwhichtheywerepasseddowntome.Andwhatisthefruitofsuchseedasthat,andwhither
leadsuchdreams?Ifitisminetogivetheanswer,letmywordsbetrueandbrave.
CHAPTERIII
BOTHTHEIRHOUSES
AMONGthemedivalcustomswhichwerepreservedinthePalewhentherestoftheworldhadlong
forgottenthemwastheuseofpopularsobriquetsinplaceofsurnamesproper.Familynamesexisted
onlyinofficialdocuments,suchaspassports.Forthemostpartpeoplewereknownbynicknames,
prosaicorpicturesque,derivedfromtheiroccupations,theirphysicalpeculiarities,ordistinctive
achievements.AmongmyneighborsinPolotzkwereYankeltheWigmaker,MulyetheBlind,Moshe
theSixfingeredandmembersoftheirrespectivefamilieswerereferredtobythesenicknames:as,for
example,"Mirele,nieceofMoshetheSixfingered."
Letmespreadoutmyfamilytree,raisealoftmycoatofarms,andseewhatheroeshaveleftamark
bywhichImaybedistinguished.LetmehuntformynameinthechroniclesofthePale.
InthevillageofYuchovitch,aboutsixtyverstsabovePolotzk,theoldestinhabitantstillremembered
myfather'sgreatgrandfatherwhenmyfatherwasaboy.LebetheInnkeeperhewascalled,andno
reproachwascoupledwiththename.HissonHayyimsucceededtothebusiness,butlaterhetookup
theglazier'strade,anddevelopedaknackforallsortsoftinkering,wherebyhewasabletoincrease
histooscantyearnings.
HayyimtheGlazierisreputedtohavebeenamanoffinecountenance,wiseinhomelycounsel,
honestinallhisdealings.RachelLeah,hiswife,hadareputationforpracticalwisdomevengreater
thanhis.Shewastheadvicegiverofthevillageineveryperplexityoflife.Myfatherremembershis
grandmotherasatall,trim,handsomeoldwoman,activeandindependent.Satinheadbandsandlace
trimmedbonnetsnothavingbeeninventedinherday,RachelLeahworethestatelyknupforturban
onhershavenhead.OnSabbathsandholidaysshewenttothesynagoguewithalong,straightmantle
hangingfromnecktoankleandsheworeitwithanair,ononesleeveonly,theotherdanglingempty
fromhershoulder.
HayyimbegatJoseph,andJosephbegatPinchus,myfather.ItbehoovesmetoconsiderthestuffI
sprangfrom.
Josephinheritedthetrade,goodname,andmeagreportionofhisfather,andmaintainedthefamily
traditionofhonestyandpovertyunbrokentothedayofhisdeath.Forthatmatter,Yuchovitchnever
heardofanyconnectionofthefamily,notevenadoubtfulcousin,whowasnotsteepedtotheearlocks
inpoverty.ButthatwasnodistinctioninYuchovitchthewholevillagewaspooralmosttobeggary.
Josephwasanindifferentworkman,anindifferentscholar,andanindifferenthasid.Atonethingonly
hewasstrikinglygood,andthatwasatgrumbling.Althoughnotunkind,hehadatemperthatboiled
overatsmallprovocation,andeveninhismostplacidmoodhetookverylittlesatisfactioninthe
world.Hereversedtheproverb,lookingforthesableliningofeverysilvercloud.Intheconditionsof
hislifehefoundplentyoffoodforhispessimism,andmerryheartswereveryrareamonghis
neighbors.Stillacertainamountofgloomappearstohavebeeninherentintheman.Andashe
distrustedthewholeworld,soJosephdistrustedhimself,whichmadehimshyandawkwardin
company.Mymothertellshow,attheweddingofhisonlyson,myfather,Josephsatthewholenight
throughinacorner,neverasmuchascrackingasmile,whiletheweddingguestsdanced,laughed,
andrejoiced.
ItmayhavebeenthroughdistrustofthemaritalstatethatJosephremainedsingletilltheadvancedage
oftwentyfive.Thenhetookuntohimselfanorphangirlaspoorashe,namely,Rachel,thedaughter
ofIsraelKimanyerofpiousmemory.
Mygrandmotherwassuchagentle,cheerfulsoul,whenIknewher,thatIimagineshemusthavebeen
amerrybride.Ishouldthinkmygrandfatherwouldhavetakengreatsatisfactioninhersociety,asher
attemptstoshowhimtheworldthroughrosehuedspectacleswouldhavegivenhimfrequent
opportunitytoparadehisgrievancesandrecitehiswrongs.Butfromallreportsitappearsthathewas
neversatisfied,andifhedidnotmakehiswifeunhappyitwasbecausehewasawayfromhomeso
much.Hewasabsentthegreaterpartofthetimeforaglazier,evenifhewereabetterworkmanthan
mygrandfather,couldnotmakealivinginYuchovitch.Hebecameacountrypeddler,trading
betweenPolotzkandYuchovitch,andtakinginallthedesolatelittlehamletsscatteredalongthat
route.Fifteenrubles'worthofgoodswasabigbilltocarryoutofPolotzk.Thestockconsistedof
cheappottery,tobacco,matches,bootgrease,andaxlegrease.Thesehebarteredforcountryproduce,
includinggrainsinsmallquantity,bristles,rags,andbones.Moneywasseldomhandledinthese
transactions.
Aroughenoughlifemygrandfatherled,ontheroadatallseasons,inallweathers,knockingaboutat
smokylittleinns,gladsometimesofthehospitalityofsomepeasant'shut,wherethepigssleptwith
thefamily.Hewasdoingwellifhegothomefortheholidayswithalittlewhiteflourforacake,and
moneyenoughtotakehisbestcostoutofpawn.Thebestcoat,andthecandlesticks,too,wouldbe
repawnedpromptlyonthefirstworkdayforitwasnotforthelikeofJosephofYuchovitchtolive
withidlerichesaroundhim.
ForthecreditofYuchovitchitmustberecordedthatmygrandfatherneverhadtostayawayfromthe
synagogueforwantofhisonedecentcoattowear.HisneighborIsaac,thevillagemoneylender,
neverrefusedtogiveupthepledgedarticlesonaSabbatheve,evenifthemoneyduewasnot
forthcoming.ManySabbathcoatsbesidesmygrandfather's,andmanycandlesticksbesidesmy
grandmother's,passedmostoftheirexistenceunderIsaac'sroof,waitingtoberedeemed.Butonthe
eveofSabbathorholidayIsaacdeliveredthemtotheirrespectiveowners,cametheyemptyhandedor
otherwiseandattheexpirationofthefestivalthegratefulownersbroughtthempromptlyback,for
anotherseasonofretirement.
Whilemygrandfatherwasontheroad,mygrandmotherconductedherhumblehouseholdina
capable,housewifelyway.Ofhersixchildren,threediedyoung,leavingtwodaughtersandanonly
son,myfather.Mygrandmotherfedanddressedherchildrenthebestshecould,andtaughtthemto
thankGodforwhattheyhadnotaswellasforwhattheyhad.Pietywasabouttheonlypositive
doctrinesheattemptedtodrillthemin,leavingtherestoftheireducationtolifeandtherebbe.
Promptlywhencustomprescribed,Pinchus,thepettedonlyson,wassenttoheder.Mygrandfather
beingontheroadatthetime,mygrandmotherherselfcarriedtheboyinherarms,aswasusualonthe
firstday.Myfatherdistinctlyremembersthatsheweptonthewaytothehederpartly,Isuppose,
fromjoyatstartinghersononaholylife,andpartlyfromsadnessatbeingtoopoortosetforththe
wineandhoneycakepropertotheoccasion.ForGrandmaRachel,schooledthoughshewastopious
contentment,probablyhadhermomentsofhumanpettinessliketherestofus.
Myfatherdistinguishedhimselfforscholarshipfromthefirst.Fiveyearsoldwhenheenteredheder,
atelevenhewasalreadyayeshibahbahurastudentintheseminary.Therebbeneverhadoccasion
tousethebirchonhim.Onthecontrary,heheldhimupasanexampletothedullorlazypupils,
praisedhiminthevillage,andcarriedhisfametoPolotzk.
Mygrandmother'scupofpiousjoywasoverfilled.Everythingherboydidwaspleasantinhersight,
forPinchuswasgoingtobeascholar,agodlyman,acredittothememoryofhisrenowned
grandfather,IsraelKimanyer.Sheletnothinginterferewithhisschooling.Whentimeswerebad,and
herhusbandcamehomewithhisgoodsunsold,sheborrowedandbegged,tilltherebbe'sfeewas
produced.Ifbadluckcontinued,shepleadedwiththerebbefortime.Shepawnednotonlythe
candlesticks,buthershawlandSabbathcapaswell,tosecurethescantrationsthatgavetheyoung
scholarstrengthtostudy.Morethanonceinthebitterwinter,asmyfatherremembers,shecarriedhim
tohederonherback,becausehehadnoshoessheherselfwalkingalmostbarefootinthecruelsnow.
Nosacrificewastoogreatforherinthepiouscauseofherboy'seducation.Andwhentherewasno
rebbeinYuchovitchlearnedenoughtoguidehimintheadvancedstudies,myfatherwassentto
Polotzk,wherehelivedwithpoorrelations,whowerenottoopoortohelpsupportafuturerebbeor
rav.InPolotzkhecontinuedtodistinguishhimselfforscholarship,tillpeoplebegantoprophesythat
hewouldlivetobefamousandeverybodywhorememberedIsraelKimanyerregardedthepromising
grandsonwithdoublerespect.
AttheageoffifteenmyfatherwasqualifiedtoteachbeginnersinHebrew,andhewasengagedas
instructorintwofamilieslivingsixverstsapartinthecountry.Theboytutorhadtomakehimself
useful,afterlessonhours,bycaringforthehorse,haulingwaterfromthefrozenpond,andlendinga
handateverything.Whenthelittlesisterofoneofhispupilsdied,inthemiddleofthewinter,itfellto
myfather'slottotakethebodytothenearestJewishcemetery,throughmilesofdesolatecountry,no
livingsoulaccompanyinghim.
Afteronetermofthis,hetriedtogoonwithhisownstudies,sometimesinYuchovitch,sometimesin
Polotzk,asopportunitydictated.HemadethejourneytoPolotzkbesidehisfather,joggingalongin
thespringlesswagonontheruttyroads.Hetookaboy'spleasureinthegypsylife,thegreenwood,
andthesummerstormwhilehisfathersatmoodybesidehim,seeingnothingbutthespavinsonthe
horse'shocks,andthemudintheroadahead.
Thereislittleelsetotellofmyfather'sboyhood,asmostofhistimewasspentintheschoolroom.
Outsidetheschoolroomhewasconspicuousforhighspiritsinplay,daringinmischief,and
independenceineverything.Butaboy'splaytimewassoshortinYuchovitch,andhisresourcesso
limited,thatevenaladofspiritcametotheedgeofhisprematuremanhoodwithoutaregretforhis
nippedyouth.Somyfather,attheageofsixteenandahalf,lentawillingeartothecooingvoiceof
themarriagebroker.
Indeed,itwashightimeforhimtomarry.Hisparentshadkepthimsofar,buttheyhadtwodaughters
tomarryoff,andnotagroschenlaidbyfortheirdowries.Thecostofmyfather'sschooling,ashe
advanced,hadmountedtoseventeenrublesaterm,andthepoorrebbewasseldompaidinfull.Of
coursemyfather'sscholarshipwashisfortuneintimeitwouldbehissupportbutinthemeanwhile
theburdenoffeedingandclothinghimlayheavyonhisparents'shoulders.Thetimehadcometofind
himawelltodofatherinlaw,whoshouldsupporthimandhiswifeandchildren,whilehecontinued
tostudyintheseminary.
Aftertheusualconferencesbetweenparentsandmarriagebrokers,myfatherwasbetrothedtoan
undertaker'sdaughterinPolotzk.Thegirlwastooold,everydayoftwentyyears,butthree
hundredrublesindowry,withboardaftermarriage,nottomentionhandsomepresentstothe
bridegroom,easilyoffsetthebride'sage.Myfather'sfamily,tothehumblestcousin,feltthemselves
setupbythematchhehadmadeandtheboywashappyenough,displayingawatchandchainforthe
firsttimeinhislife,andagoodcoatonweekdays.Asforhisfiance,hecouldhavenoobjectionto
her,ashehadseenheronlyatadistance,andhadneverspokentoher.
Whenitwastimefortheweddingpreparationstobegin,newscametoYuchovitchofthedeathofthe
brideelect,andmyfather'sprospectsseemedfallentotheground.Buttheundertakerhadanother
daughter,agirlofthirteen,andhepressedmyfathertotakeherinhersister'splace.Atthesametime
themarriagebrokerproposedanothermatchandmyfather'spoorcousinsbristledwithimportance
oncemore.
Somehoworothermyfathersucceededingettinginawordatthefamilycouncilsthatensuedhe
evenhadthetemeritytoexpressastrongpreference.Hedidnotwantanymoreoftheundertaker's
daughtershewantedtoconsidertherivalmatch.Therewerenoseriousobjectionsfromthecousins,
andmyfatherbecameengagedtomymother.
ThissecondchoicewasHannahHayye,onlydaughterofRaphael,calledtheRussian.Shehadhada
verydifferentbringingupfromPinchus,thegrandsonofIsraelKimanyer.Shehadneverknownaday
ofwanthadnevergonebarefootfromnecessity.ThefamilyhadasolidpositioninPolotzk,herfather
beingtheownerofacomfortablehomeandagoodbusiness.
Prosperityisprosaic,soIshallskipbrieflyoverthehistoryofmymother'shouse.
MygrandfatherRaphael,earlyleftanorphan,wasbroughtupbyanelderbrother,inavillageatno
greatdistancefromPolotzk.Thebrotherdutifullysenthimtoheder,andatanearlyagebetrothedhim
toDeborah,daughterofoneSolomon,adealeringrainandcattle.Deborahwasnotyetinherteensat
thetimeofthebetrothal,andsofoolishwasshethatshewasafraidofheraffiancedhusband.One
day,whenshewascomingfromthestorewithabottleofliquidyeast,shesuddenlycamefacetoface
withherbetrothed,whichgavehersuchafrightthatshedroppedthebottle,spillingtheyeastonher
prettydressandsheranhomecryingalltheway.Atthirteenshewasmarried,whichhadagood
effectonherdeportment.Ihearnomoreofherrunningawayfromherhusband.
Amongtheinterestingthingsbelongingtomygrandmother,besidesherdowry,atthetimeofthe
marriage,washerfamily.Herfatherwassooriginalthathekeptatutorforhisdaughterssonshe
hadnoneandallowedthemtobeinstructedintherudimentsofthreeorfourlanguagesandthe
elementsofarithmetic.EvenmoreunconventionalwashersisterHode.Shehadmarriedafiddler,
whotravelledconstantly,playingathotelsandinns,allthrough"farRussia."Havingnochildren,she
oughttohavespentherdaysinfastingandprayingandlamenting.Insteadofthis,sheaccompanied
herhusbandonhistravels,andevenhadahearttoenjoytheexcitementandvarietyoftheirrestless
life.Ishouldbethelasttoblamemygreataunt,fortheirregularityofherconductaffordedmy
grandfathertheopeningforhiscareer,thefruitsofwhichmademychildhoodsopleasant.Forseveral
yearsmygrandfathertravelledinHode'strain,inthecapacityofshohatprovidingkoshermeatforthe
littletroupintheunholywildsof"farRussia"andthegratefulcouplerewardedhimsogenerously
thathesoonhadafortuneofeightyrubleslaidby.
Mygrandfatherthoughtthetimehadnowcometosettledown,buthedidnotknowhowtoinvesthis
wealth.Toresolvehisperplexity,hemadeapilgrimagetotheRebbeofKopistch,whoadvisedhimto
openastoreinPolotzk,andgavehimablessedgroschentokeepinthemoneydrawerforgoodluck.
Theblessingofthe"goodJew"provedfruitful.Mygrandfather'sbusinessprospered,andmy
grandmotherborehimchildren,severalsonsandonedaughter.Thesonsweresenttoheder,likeall
respectableboysandtheyweretaught,inaddition,writing,andarithmetic,enoughforconductinga
business.Withthismygrandfatherwascontentmorethanthisheconsideredincompatiblewithpiety.
Hewasoneofthosewhostrenuouslyopposedtheinfluenceofthepublicschool,andbribedthe
governmentofficialstokeeptheirchildren'snamesofftheregisterofschoolboys,aswehavealready
seen.Whenhesenthissonstoaprivatetutor,wheretheycouldstudyRussianwiththeirhatson,he
felt,nodoubt,thathewasgivingthemalltheeducationnecessarytoasuccessfulbusinesscareer,
withoutviolatingpietytoogrossly.
Ifreadingandwritingwereenoughforthesons,evenlesswouldsufficethedaughter.Afemale
teacherwasengagedformymother,atthreekopecksaweek,toteachhertheHebrewprayersand
mygrandmother,herselfabetterscholarthantheteacher,taughtherwritinginaddition.Mymother
wasquicktolearn,andexpressedanambitiontostudyRussian.Sheteasedandcoaxed,andher
motherpleadedforher,tillmygrandfatherwaspersuadedtosendhertoatutor.Butthefateswere
opposedtomymother'seducation.Onthefirstdayofschool,asuddeninflammationoftheeyes
blindedmymothertemporarily,andalthoughthedistempervanishedassuddenlyasithadappeared,
itwastakenasanomen,andmymotherwasnotallowedtoreturntoherlessons.
Stillshedidnotgiveup.Shesavedupeverygroschenthatwasgiventohertobuysweets,andbribed
herbrotherSolomon,whowasproudofhisscholarship,togiveherlessonsinsecret.Thetwostrove
earnestlywithbookandquill,intheirhidingplaceundertherafters,tillmymothercouldreadand
writeRussian,andtranslateasimplepassageofHebrew.
Mygrandmother,althoughherselfagoodhousewife,tooknopainstoteachheronlydaughterthe
domesticarts.Sheonlypettedandcoddledherandsentherouttoplay.Butmymotherwasas
ambitiousabouthouseworkasaboutbooks.Shecoaxedthehousemaidtolethermixthebread.She
learnedknittingfromwatchingherplaymates.Shewashealthyandactive,quickateverything,and
restlesswithunspentenergy.Thereforeshewasquitewilling,attheageoften,togointoherfather's
businessashischiefassistant.
Astheyearswentbyshedevelopedadecidedtalentforbusiness,sothatherfathercouldsafelyleave
allhisaffairsinherhandsifhehadtogooutoftown.Herdevotion,ability,andtirelessenergymade
her,intime,indispensable.Mygrandfatherwasobligedtoadmitthatthelittlelearningshehadstolen
wasturnedtogoodaccount,whenhesawhowwellshecouldkeephisbooks,andhowsmoothlyshe
gotalongwithRussianandPolishcustomers.Perhapsthatwastheargumentthatinducedhim,after
obstinateyears,toremovehisvetofrommymother'spetitionsandlethertakeuplessonsagain.For
whilepietywasmygrandfather'schiefconcernonthegodlyside,ontheworldlysidehesetsuccessin
businessaboveeverything.
Mymotherwasfifteenyearsoldwhensheenteredonacareerofhighereducation.Fortwohours
dailyshewasreleasedfromthestore,andinthatintervalshestrovewithmightandmaintoconquer
theworldofknowledge.KatrinaPetrovna,herteacher,praisedandencouragedherandtherewasno
reasonwhythepromisingpupilshouldnothavedevelopedintoayoungladyofculture,withMadame
teachingherRussian,German,crocheting,andsingingyes,outofabook,totheaccompanimentof
aclavierallforafeeofseventyfivekopecksaweek.
THEWOODMARKET,POLOTZK
DidIsaytherewasnoreason?Andwhataboutthemarriagebroker?HannahHayye,theonly
daughterofRaphaeltheRussian,goingonsixteen,buxom,bright,capable,andwelleducated,could
notescapetheeyeoftheshadchan.Afinethingitwouldbetoletsuchalikelygirlgrowoldovera
book!Tothecanopywithher,whileshecouldfetchthehighestpriceinthemarriagemarket!
Mymotherwasveryunwillingtothinkofmarriageatthistime.Shehadnothingtogainbymarriage,
foralreadyshehadeverythingthatshedesired,especiallysinceshewaspermittedtostudy.Whileher
fatherwasratherstern,hermotherspoiledandpettedherandshewastheidolofherauntHode,the
fiddler'swife.
HodehadboughtafineestateinPolotzk,aftermygrandfathersettledthere,andmadeitherhome
whenevershebecametiredoftravelling.Shelivedinstate,withmanyservantsanddependents,
wearingsilkdressesonweekdays,andsettingsilverplatebeforethemeanestguest.Thewomenof
Polotzkwerebreathlessoverherwardrobe,countinguphowmanypairsofembroideredbootsshe
had,atfifteenrublesapair.AndHode'smannerswereasmuchasubjectofgossipasherclothes,for
shehadpickedupstrangewaysinhertravels.Althoughshewassopiousthatshewasnevertempted
toeattrefah,nomatterifshehadtogohungry,herconductinotherrespectswasnotstrictlyorthodox.
Foronething,shewasinthehabitofshakinghandswithmen,lookingthemstraightintheface.She
spokeRussianlikeaGentile,shekeptapoodle,andshehadnochildren.
Nobodymeanttoblametherichwomanforbeingchildless,becauseitwaswellknowninPolotzkthat
HodetheRussian,asshewascalled,wouldhavegivenallherwealthforonescrawnybaby.Butshe
wastoblameforvoluntarilyexilingherselffromJewishsocietyforyearsatatime,toliveamong
porkeaters,andcopytheboldwaysofGentilewomen.Andsowhiletheypitiedherchildlessness,the
womenofPolotzkregardedhermisfortuneasperhapsnomorethataduepunishment.
Hode,poorwoman,feltahungryheartbeneathhersatinrobes.Shewantedtoadoptoneofmy
grandmother'schildren,butmygrandmotherwouldnothearofit.Hodewasparticularlytakenwith
mymother,andmygrandmother,incompassion,loanedherthechildfordaysatatimeandthose
werehappydaysforbothauntandniece.Hodewouldtreatmymothertoeverydelicacyinher
sumptuouspantry,tellherwonderfultalesoflifeindistantparts,showherallherbeautifuldresses
andjewels,andloadherwithpresents.
Asmymotherdevelopedintogirlhood,herauntgrewmoreandmorecovetousofher.Followinga
secretplan,sheadoptedaboyfromthepoorhouse,andbroughthimupwitheveryadvantagethat
moneycouldbuy.Mymother,onhervisits,wasthrownagreatdealintothisboy'ssociety,butshe
likedhimlessthatthepoodle.Thisgrievedheraunt,whocherishedinherheartthehopethatmy
motherwouldmarryheradoptedson,andsobecomeherdaughterafterall.Andinordertoaccustom
hertothinkwellofthematch,Hodedinnedtheboy'snameinmymother'seardayandnight,praising
himandshowinghimoff.Shewouldopenherjewelboxesandtakeoutflashingdiamonds,heavy
chains,andtinklingbracelets,dressmymotherintheminfrontofthemirror,tellingherthatthey
wouldallbehersallherownwhenshebecamethebrideofMulke.
Mymotherstilldescribesthenecklaceofpearlsanddiamondswhichherauntusedtoclasparound
herplumpthroat,withalightinhereyesthatisreminiscentofgirlishpleasure.Buttoallheraunt's
teasingreferencestothefuture,mymotheransweredwithagiggleandashakeofherblackcurls,and
wentonenjoyingherself,thinkingthatthedayofjudgmentwasvery,veryfaraway.Butitswooped
downonhersoonerthansheexpectedthemomentoushourwhenshemustchoosebetweenthepearl
necklacewithMulkeandapennilessstrangerfromYuchovitchwhowasreputedtobeafinescholar.
Mulkeshewouldnothaveevenifallthepearlsintheoceancamewithhim.Theboywasstupidand
unteachable,andofunspeakableorigin.Pickedupfromthedirtyfloorofthepoorhouse,hisfather
wasidentifiedasthelazyporterwhosometimeschoppedacordofwoodformygrandmotherandhis
sisterswereslovenlyhousemaidsscatteredthroughPolotzk.No,Mulkewasnottobeconsidered.But
whyconsideranybody?Whythinkofahossenatall,whenshewassocontent?Mymotherranaway
everytimetheshadchancame,andshebeggedtobeleftasshewas,andcried,andinvokedher
mother'ssupport.Buthermother,forthefirsttimeinherhistory,refusedtotakethedaughter'spart.
Shejoinedtheenemythefamilyandtheshadchanandmymothersawthatshewasdoomed.
Ofcourseshesubmitted.Whatelsecouldadutifuldaughterdo,inPolotzk?Shesubmittedtobeing
weighed,measured,andappraisedbeforeherface,andresignedherselftowhatwastocome.
Whenthatwhichwastocomedidcome,shedidnotrecognizeit.Shewasallaloneinthestoreone
day,whenabeardlessyoungman,intopbootsthatwantedgrease,andacoattoothinfortheweather,
cameinforapackageofcigarettes.Mymotherclimbeduponthecounterwithonefootonashelf,to
reachdownthecigarettes.Thecustomergavehertherightchange,andwentout.Andmymother
neversuspectedthatthatwastheproposedhossen,whocametolookheroverandseeifshewas
likelytolast.Formyfatherconsideredhimselfamanofexperiencenow,thisbeinghissecondmatch,
andhewasdeterminedtohaveahandinthisaffairhimself.
Nosoonerwasthehossenoutofthestorethanhismother,alsounknowntotheinnocentstorekeeper,
cameinforapoundoftallowcandles.Sheofferedatornbillinpayment,andmymotheracceptedit
andgavechangeshowingthatshewaswiseenoughinmoneymatterstoknowthatatornbillwas
goodcurrency.
Afterthewomanthereshuffledinapoormanevidentlyfromthecountry,who,inashyandyet
challengingmanner,askedforapackageofcheaptobacco.Mymotherproducedthegoodswithher
usualdispatch,gavethecorrectchange,andstoodatattentionformoretrade.
Parentsandsonheldacouncilaroundthecorner,theobjectoftheirespionageneverdreamingthat
shehadbeenputtoatripletestandnotfoundwanting.Butintheeveningofthesamedayshewas
enlightened.Shewassummonedtoherelderbrother'shouse,foraconferenceonthesubjectofthe
proposedmatch,andthereshefoundtheyoungmanwhohadboughtthecigarettes.Formymother's
family,iftheyforcedhertomarry,werewillingtomakeherpatheasierbylettinghermeetthe
hossen,convincedthatshemustbewonoverbyhisgoodlooksandlearnedconversation.
Itdoesnotreallymatterhowmymotherfelt,asshesat,withaprotectingnieceinherlap,atoneend
ofalongtable,withthehossenfidgetingattheotherend.Themarriagecontractwouldbewritten
anyway,nomatterwhatshethoughtofthehossen.Andthecontractwasdulywritten,inthepresence
oftheassembledfamiliesofbothparties,afterplentyofopendiscussion,inwhicheverybodyexcept
theprospectivebrideandgroomhadavoice.
Onevoiceinparticularbrokerepeatedlyintotheconsultationsoftheparentsandtheshadchan,and
thatwasthevoiceofHenneRsel,oneofmyfather'snumerouspoorcousins.HenneRselwasnot
unknowntomymother.Sheoftencametothestore,tobeg,underpretenceofborrowing,alittleflour
orsugarorastickofcinnamon.Ontheoccasionofthebetrothalshehadarrivedlate,dressedin
indescribableoddsandends,withanartificialredflowerstuckintoherfrowzywig.Shepushedand
elbowedherwaytothemiddleofthetable,wheretheshadchansatreadywithpaperandinktotake
downthearticlesofthecontract.Oneverypointshehadsomecommenttomake,tilladisputearose
overanotewhichmygrandfatherofferedaspartofthedowry,thehossen'speopleinsistingoncash.
Nooneinsistedsoloudlyasthecousinwiththeredflowerinherwigandwhentheothercousins
seemedabouttoweakenandacceptthenote,RedFlowerstoodupandexhortedthemtobefirm,lest
theirfleshandbloodbecheatedundertheirnoses.Themeddlesomecousinwassilencedatlast,the
contractwassigned,thehappinessoftheengagedcouplewaspledgedinwine,theguestsdispersed.
Andallthiswhilemymotherhadnotopenedhermouth,andmyfatherhadscarcelybeenheard.
Thatisthewaymyfatewassealed.ItgivesmeashudderofwondertothinkwhatanarrowescapeI
hadIcamesonearnotbeingbornatall.Ifthebeggarlycousinwiththefrowzywighadprevailed
uponherfamilyandbrokenoffthematch,thenmymotherwouldnothavemarriedmyfather,andI
shouldatthismomentbeanunbornpossibilityinaphilosopher'sbrain.ItisrightthatIshouldpick
mywordsmostcarefully,andmeditateovereverycomma,becauseIamdescribingmiraclestoogreat
forcarelessutterance.IfIhaddiedaftermyfirstbreath,myhistorywouldstillbeworthrecording.
ForbeforeIcouldlieonmymother'sbreast,theearthhadtobeprepared,andthestarshadtotake
theirplacesamillionraceshadtodie,testingthelawsoflifeandaboyandgirlhadtobeboundfor
lifetowatchtogetherformycoming.Iwasmillionsofyearsontheway,andIcamethroughtheseas
ofchance,overthefierymountainoflaw,bythezigzagpathofhumanpossibility.Multitudeswere
pushedbackintotheabyssofnonexistence,thatIshouldhavewaytocreepintobeing.Andatlast,
whenIstoodatthegateoflife,aweazenfacedfishwife,whohadnotwitenoughtosupportherself,
camenearshuttingmeout.
Suchcreaturesofaccidentarewe,liabletoathousanddeathsbeforeweareborn.Butonceweare
here,wemaycreateourownworld,ifwechoose.SinceIhavestoodonmyownfeet,Ihavenever
metmymaster.ForeverytimeIchooseafriendIdeterminemyfateanew.Icanthinkofno
cataclysmthatcouldhavetheforcetomovemefrommypath.Fireorfloodortheenvyofmenmay
teartheroofoffmyhouse,butmysoulwouldstillbeathomeundertheloftymountainpinesthatdip
theirheadsinstardust.Evenlife,thatwassodifficulttoattain,mayservememerelyasawayside
inn,ifIchoosetogooneternally.HoweverIcamehere,itisminetobe.
CHAPTERIV
DAILYBREAD
MYmotheroughttohavebeenhappyinherengagement.Everybodycongratulatedheronsecuring
suchascholar,herparentsloadedherwithpresents,andherfriendsenviedher.Itistruethatthe
hossen'sfamilyconsistedentirelyofpoorrelationstherewasnotonesolidhouseholderamongthem.
Fromtheworldlypointofviewmymothermadeamsalliance.Butasoneofmyauntsputit,when
mymotherobjectedtotheassociationwiththeundesirablecousins,shecouldtakeoutthecowandset
firetothebarnmeaningthatshecouldrejoiceinthehossenanddisregardhisfamily.
Thehossen,onhispart,hadreasontorejoice,withoutanyreservations.Hewasgoingintoahighly
respectablefamily,withanamesupportedbypropertyandbusinessstanding.Thepromiseddowry
wasconsiderable,thepresentsweregenerous,thetrousseauwouldbeliberal,andthebridewasfair
andcapable.Thebridegroomwouldhaveyearsbeforehiminwhichheneeddonothingbuteatfree
board,wearhisnewclothes,andstudyTorahandhispoorrelationscouldholduptheirheadsatthe
marketstalls,andintherearpewsinthesynagogue.
Mymother'strousseauwasallthatamotherinlawcouldwish.ThebesttailorinPolotzkwas
engagedtomakethecloaksandgowns,andhisshopwasfilledtoburstingwithamplelengthsof
velvetandsatinandsilk.Theweddinggownalonecosteverykopeckoffiftyrubles,asthetailor's
wifereportedalloverPolotzk.Thelingeriewasofthebest,andtheseamstresswasengagedonitfor
manyweeks.Featherbeds,linen,householdgoodsofeverysorteverythingwasprovidedin
abundance.Mymothercrochetedmanyyardsoflacetotrimthebestsheets,andfinesilkcoverlets
adornedtheplumpbeds.Manyamarriageablemaidenwhocametoviewthetrousseauwenthometo
prinkandblushandwatchfortheshadchan.
Theweddingwasmemorableforgayetyandsplendor.Theguestsincludedsomeofthefinestpeople
inPolotzkforwhilemygrandfatherwasnotquiteatthetopofthesocialscale,hehadbusiness
connectionswiththosethatwere,andtheyallturnedoutfortheweddingofhisonlydaughter,the
meninsilkfrockcoats,thewomeninalltheirjewelry.
Thebridegroom'sauntsandcousinscameinfullforce.Weddingmessengershadbeensenttoevery
personwhocouldpossiblyclaimrelationshipwiththehossen.Mymother'sparentsweretoogenerous
toslightthelowliest.Insteadofburningthebarn,theydidalltheycouldtogarnishit.Oneortwoof
themoreimportantofthepoorrelationscametotheweddingingownspaidforbymyrich
grandfather.Therestcamedeckedoutinborrowedfinery,orinundisguisedshabbiness.Butnobody
thoughtofstayingawayexcepttheobstructivecousinwhohadnearlypreventedthematch.
Whenitwastimetoconductthebridetotheweddingcanopy,thebridegroom'smothermissedHenne
Rsel.Thehousewassearchedforher,butinvain.Nobodyhadseenher.Butmygrandmothercould
notbeartohavethemarriagesolemnizedintheabsenceofafirstcousin.Suchaweddingasthiswas
notlikelytoberepeatedinherfamilyitwouldbeagreatpityifanyoftherelativesmissedit.Soshe
petitionedtheprincipalstodelaytheceremony,whilesheherselfwentinsearchofthemissing
cousin.
Clearovertothefarthestendofthetownshewalked,liftinghergaladresswellaboveherankles.She
foundHenneRselinheruntidykitchen,soundineverylimbbutsulkyinspirit.Mygrandmother
exclaimedatherconduct,andbadeherhurrywithhertoilet,andaccompanyhertheweddingguests
werewaitingthebridewasfaintfromprolongingherfast.ButHenneRselflatlyrefusedtogothe
bridemightremainanoldmaid,forallshe,HenneRselcaredaboutthewedding.Mytroubled
grandmotherexpostulated,questionedher,tillshedrewouttherootofthecousin'ssulkiness.Henne
Rselcomplainedthatshehadnotbeenproperlyinvited.Theweddingmessengerhadcome,oh,
yes!butshehadnotaddressedherasflatteringly,asrespectfullyasshehadbeenheardtoaddress
thewifeofYohem,themoneylender.AndHenneRselwasn'tgoingtoanyweddingswhereshewas
notwanted.Mygrandmotherhadastruggleofit,butshesucceededinsoothingthesensitivecousin,
whoconsentedatlengthtodonherbestdressandgotothewedding.
WhilemygrandmotherlaboredwithHenneRsel,thebridesatinstateinherfather'shouseunderthe
hill,themaidensdanced,andthematronsfannedthemselves,whilethefiddlersandzimblersscraped
andtinkled.Butasthehourswentby,thematronsbecamerestlessandthedancerswearied.Thepoor
relationsgrewimpatientforthefeast,andthebabiesintheirlapsbegantofidgetandcrywhilethe
bridegrewfaintandthebridegroom'spartybegantosendfrequentmessengersfromthehousenext
door,demandingtoknowthecauseofthedelay.Someoftheguestsatlastlostallpatience,and
beggedleavetogohome.Butbeforetheywenttheydepositedtheweddingpresentsinthebride's
satinlap,tillsheresembledaheathenimagehungaboutwithofferings.
Mymother,afterthirtyyearsofbustlinglife,retainsalivelymemoryoftheembarrassmentshe
sufferedwhilewaitingforthearrivalofthetroublesomecousin.Whenthatimportantdameatlast
appeared,withherchinintheair,theartificialflowerstillstuckbelligerentlyintoherdustywig,and
mygrandmotherbeamingbehindher,thebride'sheartfairlyjumpedwithanger,andtheredbloodof
indignationsethercheeksafire.NowonderthatshespeaksthenameoftheRedFlowerwithan
unlovingaccenttothisday,althoughshehasforgiventheenemieswhodidhergreaterwrong.The
brideisaprincessonherweddingday.Toputuponheranindignityisanunpardonableoffense.
Afterthefeastinganddancing,whichlastedawholeweek,theweddingpresentswerelockedup,the
bride,withherhairdiscreetlycovered,returnedtoherfather'sstore,andthegroom,withhisnew
prayingshawl,repairedtothesynagogue.Thiswasallaccordingtothemarriagebargain,which
impliedthatmyfatherwastostudyandprayandfillthehousewiththespiritofpiety,inreturnfor
boardandlodgingandthedevotionofhiswifeandherentirefamily.
Allthepartiesconcernedhadenteredintothisbargainingoodfaith,sofarastheyknewtheirown
minds.Buttheeighteenyearoldbridegroom,beforemanymonthshadpassed,begantorealizethat
hefeltnosuchhungerforthewordoftheLawashewassupposedtofeel.Hefelt,rather,ahungerfor
lifethatallhisstudyingdidnotsatisfy.Hewasnottrainedenoughtoanalyzehisownthoughtstoany
purposehewasnotexperiencedenoughtounderstandwherehisthoughtswereleadinghim.Heonly
knewthathefeltnocalltoprayandfast,thattheTorahdidnotinspirehim,andhisdayswereblank.
Thelifehewasexpectedtoleadgrewdistastefultohim,andyetheknewnootherwaytolive.He
becamelaxinhisattendanceatthesynagogue,incurringthereproachofthefamily.Itbegantobe
rumoredamongthestudiousthatthesoninlawofRaphaeltheRussianwasnotdevotinghimselfto
thesacredbookswithanydegreeofenthusiasm.Itwaswellknownthathehadagoodmind,but
evidentlythespiritwaslacking.Mygrandparentswentfromsurprisetoindignation,fromexhortation
theypassedtorecrimination.Beforemyparentshadbeenmarriedhalfayear,mygrandfather'shouse
wasdividedagainstitself,andmymotherwastornbetweenthetwofactions.Forwhileshe
sympathizedwithherparents,andfeltpersonallycheatedbymyfather'slackofpiety,shethoughtit
washerdutytotakeherhusband'spart,evenagainstherparents,intheirownhouse.Mymotherwas
oneofthosewomenwhoalwaysobeythehighestlawtheyknow,eventhoughitleadsthemtotheir
doom.
Howdidithappenthatmyfather,whofromhisearlyboyhoodhadbeenpointedoutasascholarin
embryo,failedtoliveuptotheexpectationsofhisworld?Ithappenedasithappenedthathishair
curledoverhishighforehead:hewasmadethatway.Ifpeopleweredisappointed,itwasbecausethey
hadbasedtheirexpectationsonamisconceptionofhischaracter,formyfatherhadneverhadany
aspirationsforextremepiety.Pietywasimputedtohimbyhismother,byhisrebbe,byhisneighbors,
whentheysawthatherenderedthesacredwordmoreintelligentlythanhisfellowstudents.Itwasnot
hisfaultthathispeopleconfusedscholarshipwithreligiousardor.Havingagoodmind,hewasglad
toexerciseitandbeinggivenonlyonesubjecttostudy,hewasboundtomakerapidprogressinthat.
Ifhehadeverbeenofferedachoicebetweenareligiousandaseculareducation,hisfriendswould
havefoundoutearlythathewasnotborntobearav.Butashehadnomentalopeningexceptthrough
thehedder,hewentonfromyeartoyearwinningnewdistinctioninHebrewscholarshipwiththe
resultthatwitnesseswithpreconceivedideasbegantoseethehaloofpietyplayingaroundhishead,
andawelltodofamilywasmisledintomakingamatchwithhimforthesakeoftheglorythathewas
toattain.
Whenitbecameevidentthatthesoninlawwasnotgoingtodevelopintoarav,mygrandfather
notifiedhimthathewouldhavetoassumethesupportofhisownfamilywithoutdelay.Myfather
thereforeenteredonaseriesofexperimentswithpayingoccupations,fornoneofwhichhewas
qualified,andinnoneofwhichhesucceededpermanently.
Mymotherwaswithmyfather,asequalpartnerandlaborer,ineverythingheattemptedinPolotzk.
Theytriedkeepingawaysideinn,buthadtogiveitupbecausethelifewastooroughformymother,
whowasexpectingherfirstbaby.ReturningtoPolotzk,theywenttostorekeepingontheirown
account,butfailedinthisalso,becausemyfatherwasinexperienced,andmymother,nowwiththe
babytonurse,wasnotabletogiveherbestattentiontobusiness.Overtwoyearspassedinthis
experiment,andintheintervalthesecondchildwasborn,increasingmyparents'needofahomeand
areliableincome.
Itwasthendecidedthatmyfathershouldseekhisfortuneelsewhere.Hetravelledasfareastas
Tchistopol,ontheVolga,andsouthasfarasOdessa,ontheBlackSea,tryinghisluckatvarious
occupationswithintheusualJewishrestrictions.Finallyhereachedthepositionofassistant
superintendentinadistillery,withasalaryofthirtyrublesamonth.Thatwasafairincomeforthose
days,andhewasplanningtohavehisfamilyjoinhimwhenmyGrandfatherRaphaeldied,leaving
mymotherheirtoagoodbusiness.MyfatherthereuponreturnedtoPolotzk,afternearlythreeyears'
absencefromhome.
Asmymotherhadbeentrainedtoherbusinessfromchildhood,whilemyfatherhadhadonlyalittle
irregularexperience,shenaturallyremainedtheleader.Shewasassuccessfulasherfatherbeforeher.
ThepeoplecontinuedtocallherRaphael'sHannahHayye,andunderthatnameshewasgreatly
respectedinthebusinessworld.Hereldestbrotherwasnowamerchantofimportance,andmy
mother'sestablishmentwasgraduallyenlargedsothat,altogether,ourfamilyhadasolidpositionin
Polotzk,andthereplentytoenvyus.
Wewerealmostrich,asPolotzkcountedrichesinthosedayscertainlywewereconsideredwellto
do.Wemovedintoalargerhouse,wheretherewasroomforoutoftowncustomerstostayovernight,
withstablingfortheirhorses.Welivedaswellasanypeopleofourclass,andperhapsbetter,because
myfatherhadbroughthomewithhimfromhistravelsatasteforamoregeniallifethanPolotzk
usuallyaskedfor.Mymotherkeptacookandanursemaid,andadvornik,oroutdoorman,totake
careofthehorses,thecow,andthewoodpile.Alltheyearroundwekeptopenhouse,asIremember.
Cousinsandauntswerealwaysabout,andonholidaysfriendsofalldegreesgatheredinnumbers.
Andcomingandgoinginthewingsetapartforbusinessguestsweremerchants,traders,country
peddlers,peasants,soldiers,andminorgovernmentofficials.Itwasafullhouseatalltimes,and
especiallysoduringfairs,andattheseasonofthemilitarydraft.
Inthefamilywingtherewasalsoenoughgoingon.Therewerefourofuschildren,besidesfatherand
motherandgrandmother,andtheparasiticcousins.FetchkewastheeldestIwasthesecondthethird
wasmyonlybrother,namedJoseph,formyfather'sfatherandthefourthwasDeborah,namedformy
mother'smother.
IsupposeIoughttoexplainmyownnamealso,especiallybecauseIamgoingtoemergeasthe
heroinebyandby.BeitthereforeknownthatIwasnamedMaryashe,forabygoneaunt.Iwasnever
calledbymyfullname,however."Maryashe"wastoodignifiedforme.Iwasalways"Mashinke,"or
else"Mashke,"bywayofdiminutive.Avarietyofnicknames,mostlysuggestedbymyphysical
peculiarities,werebestowedonmefromtimetotimebymyfondorfoolishrelatives.MyuncleBerl,
forexample,gavemethenameof"ZukrocheneFlum,"whichIamnotgoingtotranslate,becauseitis
uncomplimentary.
MysisterFetchkewasalwaysthegoodlittlegirl,andwhenourtroublesbeganshewasanimportant
memberofthefamily.WhatsortoflittlegirlIwaswillbewrittenbyandby.Josephwasthebest
Jewishboythateverwasborn,buthehatedtogotoheder,sohehadtobewhipped,ofcourse.
Deborahwasjustababy,andherprincipalcharacteristicwassinglemindedness.Ifshehadteething
toattendto,shethoughtofnothingelsedayornight,andcommunicatedwiththefamilyonnoother
subject.Ifitwaswhoopingcough,shewhoopedmostheartilyifitwasmeasles,shehadthemthick.
ItwasthenormalthinginPolotzk,wherethemothersworkedaswellasthefathers,forthechildrento
beleftinthehandsofgrandmothersandnursemaids.IsufferreminiscentterrorswhenIrecall
Deborah'snurse,whoneveropenedherlipsexcepttofrightenuschildrenorelsetolie.Thatgirl
nevertoldthetruthifshecouldhelpit.IknowitissobecauseIheardhertellelevenortwelve
unnecessarylieseveryday.Inthebeginningofherresidencewithus,Iexposedherindignantlyevery
timeIcaughtherlyingbutthetenorofherprivateconversationswithmewasconducivetoa
cessationofmyactivityalongthelineofvolunteertestimony.Inshorterwords,thenurseterrifiedme
withhorridthreatsuntilIdidnotdaretocontradictherevenifsheliedherheadoff.Thethingsshe
promisedmeinthislifeandinthelifetocomecouldnotbeexecutedbyapersonwithout
imagination.Thenursegavealmostherentireattentiontousolderchildren,disposingeasilyofthe
baby'sclaims.Deborah,unlessshewasteethingorwhoopcoughing,wasaquietbaby,andwouldlie
forhoursonthenurse'slap,suckingata"pacifier"madeofbreadandsugartiedinamuslinrag,and
previouslychewedtoapulpbythenurse.Andwhilethebabysuckedthenursetoldusthingsthings
thatwemustrememberwhenwewenttobedatnight.
AfavoritesubjectofherdiscoursewastheEvilOne,wholived,soshetoldus,inourattic,withhis
wifeandbrood.Apetamusementofourinvisibletenantwasthetranslatingofhumanbabiesintohis
lair,leavingoneofhisownbratsinthecradlethemoralofwhichwasthatifnursewantedtoloafin
theyardandwatchwhowentoutandwhocamein,wechildrenmustmindthebaby.Thegirlwasso
slythatshecarriedonallthistyrannywithoutbeingdetected,andwelivedinterrortillshewas
dischargedforstealing.
Inourgrandmotherswewereveryfortunate:Theyspoiledustoourhearts'content.Grandma
Deborah'smethodsIknowonlyfromhearsay,forIwasverylittlewhenshedied.GrandmaRachelI
rememberdistinctly,spareandtrimandalwaysbusy.Irecallhercominginmidwinterfromthefrozen
villagewhereshelived.Iremember,asifitwerebutlastwinter,theimmenseshawlsandwraps
whichweunwoundfromaboutherperson,hervoluminousbrownsackcoatinwhichtherewasroom
forthreeofusatatime,andatlastthetightclaspofherlongarms,andherfresh,coldcheeksonours.
Andwhenthehuggingandkissingwereover,Grandmahadatreatforus.Itwastalakno,oroatflour,
whichwemixedwithcoldwaterandateraw,usingwoodenspoons,justlikethepeasants,and
smackingourlipsoveritinimaginaryenjoyment.
ButGrandmaRacheldidnotcometoplay.Sheappliedherselfenergeticallytothehousekeeping.She
keptherbrighteyeoneverything,asifshewereinherowntriflingestablishmentinYuchovitch.
Watchfulwassheasanycatandharmlessasatamerabbit.Ifshecaughtthemaidsatfault,she
foundanexcuseforthematthesametime.IfshewasquiteexasperatedwiththestupidityofYakub,
thedvornik,shepretendedtocursehiminaphraseofherowninvention,amixtureofHebrewand
Russian,which,translated,said,"Maystthouhavegoldandsilverinthybosom"buttothechoreman,
whowasnotalinguist,themongrelphraseconveyedasenseofhisdelinquency.
GrandmaRachelmeanttobeverystrictwithuschildren,andaccordinglywasprompttodiscipline
usbutwediscoveredearlyinouracquaintancewithherthatthechildwhogotaspankingwassureto
getahotcookieorthejampottolick,sowedidnotstandingreataweofherpunishments.Evenifit
cametoaspankingitwasonlyafarce.Grandmagenerallyinterposedapillowbetweenthepalmof
herhandandtheareaofmoralstimulation.
Therealdisciplinarianinourfamilywasmyfather.Presentorabsentitwasfearofhisdispleasure
thatkeptusinthestraightandnarrowpath.Inthemindsofuschildrenhewasasmuchrepresented,
whenawayfromhome,bythestraphangingonthewallasbyhisportraitwhichstoodonaparlor
table,inagorgeousframeadornedwithlittleshells.Almosteverybody'sfatherhadastrap,butour
father'sstrapwasmoreformidablethantheordinary.Foronething,itwasmorepainfultoencounter
personally,becauseitwasnotasimplestrap,butabunchoffinelongstrips,clingingasrubber.My
fathercalleditnoodlesandwhilehisfacetiousnesswaslostonuschildren,thesuperiorstingofhis
instrumentwasentirelyeffective.
Inhisleisure,myfatherfoundmeansofinstructingusotherthanbythestrap.Hetookuswalkingand
driving,answeredourquestions,andtaughtusmanylittlethingsthatourplaymateswerenottaught.
Fromdistantpartsofthecountryhehadimportedlittletricksofspeechandconduct,whichwe
learnedreadilyenoughforwewerealwaysateachablelot.Ourprettymannerswereverymuch
admired,sothatwebecameusedtobeingheldupasmodelstochildrenlesspolite.Guestsatourtable
praisedourdeportment,when,attheendofameal,wekissedthehandsoffatherandmotherand
thankedthemforfood.Enviousmothersofrowdychildrenusedtosneer,"Thosegrandchildrenof
RaphaeltheRussianarequitethearistocrats."
MYFATHER'SPORTRAIT
Andyet,offthestage,wehadourlittlequarrelsandtempests,especiallyI.Ireallyandtrulycannot
rememberatimewhenFetchkewasnaughty,butIwasoftenerintroublethanoutofit.Ineednotgo
intodetails.Ionlyneedtorecallhowoften,ongoingtobed,Iusedtoliesilentlyrehearsingthedays's
misdeeds,mysisterrefrainingfromtalkoutofsympathy.AsIalwayscametotheconclusionthatI
wantedtoreform,Iemergedfrommyreflectionswiththissolemnformula:"Fetchke,letusbegood."
Andmygenerosityinincludingmysisterinmyplansforsalvationwasequalledbyhermagnanimity
inassumingpartofmydegradation.Shealwaysreplied,inaspirationaseagerasmine,"Yes,Mashke,
letusbegood."
Mymotherhadlesstodothananyonewithourearlytraining,becauseshewasconfinedtothestore.
Whenshecamehomeatnight,withherpocketsfullofgoodiesforus,shewastoohungryforourlove
tolistentotalesagainstus,tootiredfromworktodisciplineus.ItwasonlyonSabbathsandholidays
thatshehadachancetogetacquaintedwithus,andwealllookedforwardtothesedaysofenjoined
rest.
OnFridayafternoonsmyparentscamehomeearly,towashanddressandremovefromtheirpersons
everysignoflabor.Thegreatkeysofthestorewereputawayoutofsightthemoneybagwashidden
inthefeatherbeds.Myfatherputonhisbestcoatandsilkskullcapmymotherreplacedthecotton
kerchiefbythewellbrushedwig.Wechildrenbustledaroundourparents,askingfavorsinthename
oftheSabbath"Mama,letFetchkeandmewearournewshoes,inhonorofSabbath"or"Papa,will
youtakeustomorrowacrossthebridge?Yousaidyouwould,onSabbath."Andwhileweadorned
ourselvesinourbest,mygrandmothersuperintendedthesealingoftheoven,themaidswashedthe
sweatfromtheirfaces,andthedvornikscrapedhisfeetatthedoor.
Myfatherandbrotherwenttothesynagogue,whilewewomenandgirlsassembledinthelivingroom
forcandleprayer.Thetablegleamedwithspotlesslinenandchina.Atmyfather'splacelaythe
Sabbathloaf,coveredoverwithacrocheteddoilyandbesideitstoodthewineflaskandkiddushcup
ofgoldorsilver.Attheoppositeendofthetablewasalongrowofbrasscandlesticks,polishedto
perfection,withtheheavysilvercandlesticksinashorterrowinfrontformymotherand
grandmotherwereverypious,andeachusedanumberofcandleswhileFetchkeandIandthemaids
hadoneapiece.
Afterthecandleprayerthewomengenerallyreadinsomebookofdevotion,whilewechildren
amusedourselvesinthequietestmanner,tillthemenreturnedfromsynagogue."GoodSabbath!"my
fathercalled,asheenteredand"GoodSabbath!GoodSabbath!"wewishedhiminreturn.Ifhe
broughtwithhimaSabbathguestfromthesynagogue,somepoormanwithoutahome,thestranger
waswelcomedandinvitedin,andplacedintheseatofhonor,nexttomyfather.
Weallstoodaroundthetablewhilekiddush,ortheblessingoverthewine,wassaid,andifachild
whisperedornudgedanothermyfatherreprovedhimwithasternlook,andbeganagainfromthe
beginning.Butassoonashehadcuttheconsecratedloaf,anddistributedtheslices,wewereatliberty
totalkandaskquestions,unlessaguestwaspresent,whenwemaintainedapolitesilence.
OfoneSabbathguestwewerealwayssure,evenifnodestituteJewaccompaniedmyfatherfromthe
synagogue.Yakubthechoremanpartookofthefestivalwithus.Hesleptonabunkbuiltoverthe
entrancedoor,andreachedbymeansofarudeflightofsteps.Therehelikedtorollonhisstrawand
rags,wheneverhewasnotbusy,orfeltespeciallylazy.OnFridayeveningsheclimbedtohisroost
veryearly,beforethefamilyassembledforsupper,andwaitedforhiscue,whichwasthebreaking
outoftabletalkaftertheblessingofthebread.ThenYakubbegantoclearhisthroatandkepton
workingatituntilmyfathercalledtohimtocomedownandhaveaglassofvodka.Sometimesmy
fatherpretendednottohearhim,andwesmiledatoneanotheraroundthetable,whileYakub'sthroat
grewworseandworse,andhebegantocoughandmutterandrustleinhisstraw.Thenmyfatherlet
himcomedown,andheshuffledin,andstoodclutchinghiscapwithbothhands,whilemyfather
pouredhimabrimmingglassofwhiskey.ThisYakubdedicatedtoallourhealths,andtossedoffto
hisowncomfort.Ifhegotasliceofboiledfishafterhisglassful,hegulpeditdownasachickengulps
worms,smackedhislipsexplosively,andwipedhisfingersonhisunkemptlocks.Then,thankinghis
masterandmistress,andscrapingandbowing,hebackedoutoftheroomandascendedtohisroost
oncemoreandinlesstimethanittakestowritehisname,thesimplefellowwasasleep,andsnoring
thesnoreofthejust.
OnSabbathmorningalmosteverybodywenttosynagogue,andthosewhodidnot,readtheirprayers
anddevotionsathome.Dinner,atmidday,wasapleasantandleisurelymealinourhouse.Between
coursesmyfatherledusinsingingourfavoritesongs,sometimesHebrew,sometimesYiddish,
sometimesRussian,orsomeofthesongswithoutwordsforwhichtheHasidimwerefamous.Inthe
afternoonwewentvisiting,orelsewetooklongwalksoutoftown,wherethefieldssproutedandthe
orchardswaitedtobloom.Ifwestayedathome,wewerenotwithoutcompany.Neighborsdroppedin
foraglassoftea.Unclesandcousinscame,andperhapsmybrother'srebbe,toexaminehispupilin
thehearingofthefamily.Andwhereverwespenttheday,thetalkwaspleasant,thefaceswere
cheerful,andthejoyofSabbathpervadedeverything.
Thefestivalswereobservedwithallduepompandcircumstanceinourhouse.Passoverwasbeautiful
withshiningnewthingsallthroughthehousePurimwasgaywithfeastingandpresentsandthejolly
mummersSuccothwasapoemlivedinagreenarborNewYearthrilledourheartswithitssymbols
andpromisesandtheDayofAtonementmovedeventhelaughingchildrentoalongingfor
consecration.Theyear,inourpioushouse,wasanendlesssonginmanycantosofjoy,lamentation,
aspiration,andrhapsody.
Wechildren,whileweregrettedthepassingofafestival,foundplentytocontentusinthecommon
daysoftheweek.Wehadeverythingweneeded,andalmosteverythingwewanted.Wewere
welcomedeverywhere,pettedandpraised,abroadaswellasathome.Isupposenolittlegirlswith
whomweplayedhadamorecomfortablesenseofbeingwelloffthanFetchkeandI."Raphaelthe
Russian'sgrandchildren"peoplecalledus,asifreferringtothequarteringsinourshield.Itwasvery
pleasanttowearfineclothes,tohavekopeckstospendatthefruitstalls,andtobepointedat
admiringly.Someofthelittlegirlswewentwithwerericherthanwe,butafterallone'smothercan
wearonlyonepairofearringsatatime,andourmotherhadbeautifulgoldonesthathungdownon
herneck.
Aswegrewolder,myparentsgaveusmorethanphysicalcomfortandsocialstandingtorejoicein.
Theygaveus,orsetouttogiveus,education,whichwaslesscommonthangoldearringsinPolotzk.
Fortheidealofamoderneducationwasthepricelesswarethatmyfatherbroughtbackwithhimfrom
histravelsindistantparts.Histravels,indeed,hadbeenthemakingofmyfather.Hehadgoneaway
fromPolotzk,inthefirstplace,asamanunfitforthelifeheled,outofharmonywithhis
surroundings,atoddswithhisneighbors.NeverheartilydevotedtothereligiousidealsoftheHebrew
scholar,hewasmoreandmoreadissenterashematured,buthehardlyknewwhathewantedto
embraceinplaceoftheidealsherejected.TherigidschemeoforthodoxJewishlifeinthePale
offerednoopeningtoanyothermodeoflife.Butinthelargecitiesintheeastandsouthhediscovered
anewworld,andfoundhimselfathomeinit.TheJewsamongwhomhelivedinthosepartswere
faithfultotheessenceofthereligion,buttheyallowedthemselvesmorelatitudeinpracticeand
observancethanthepeopleinPolotzk.Insteadofbribinggovernmentofficialstorelaxthelawof
compulsoryeducationforboys,thesepeoplepushedinnumbersateveryopendoorofcultureand
enlightenment.EventhegirlsweregivenbooksinOdessaandKherson,astherocktobuildtheirlives
on,andnotasanornamentforidleness.Myfather'smindwasreadyforthereceptionofsuchideas,
andhewasinspiredbythenewviewoftheworldwhichtheyaffordedhim.
WhenhereturnedtoPolotzkheknewwhathadbeenwrongwithhislifebefore,andheproceededto
remedyit.Heresolvedtolive,asfarastheconditionsofexistenceinPolotzkpermitted,thelifeofa
modernman.Andhesawnobetterplacetobeginthanwiththeeducationofthechildren.Outwardly
hemustconformtothewaysofhisneighbors,justashemustpaytributetothepolicemanonthe
beatforstandingroomisnecessarytoalloperations,andsocialostracismcouldruinhimaseasilyas
policepersecution.Hischildren,ifhestartedthemright,wouldnothavetobowtotheyokeaslowas
hehischildren'schildrenmightevenbefreemen.Andeducationwastheonemeanstoredemption.
FetchkeandIwerestartedwitharebbe,intheorthodoxway,butweweretaughttotranslateaswell
asreadHebrew,andwehadasecularteacherbesides.MysisterandIwereverydiligentpupils,and
myfathertookgreatsatisfactioninourprogressandbuiltgreatplansforourhighereducation.
Mybrother,whowasfiveyearsoldwhenheenteredheder,hatedtobeshutupalldayoveraprinted
pagethatmeantnothingtohim.Hecriedandprotested,butmyfatherwasdeterminedthatheshould
notgrowupignorant,soheusedthestrapfreelytohastenthetruant'sstepstoschool.Thehederwas
theonlybeginningallowableforaboyinPolotzk,andtohederJosephmustgo.Sothepoorboy'slife
wasmadeanightmare,andthehorrorwasnotlifteduntilhewastenyearsold,whenhewenttoa
modernschoolwhereintelligiblethingsweretaught,anditprovedthatitwasnotthebookhehated,
buttheblindnessoftheheder.
Foranumberofpeacefulyearsaftermyfather'sreturnfrom"farRussia,"weledawholesomelifeof
comfort,contentment,andfaithintomorrow.Everythingprospered,andwechildrengrewinthesun.
Mymotherwasonewithmyfatherinallhisplansforus.Althoughshehadspentheryoungyearsin
thepursuitoftheruble,itwasmoretoherthatourteacherpraisedusthanthatshehadmadeagood
bargainwithateamerchant.FetchkeandJosephandI,andDeborah,whenshegrewup,hadsome
prospectseveninPolotzk,withourparents'heartssetonthehighestthingsbutweweredestinedto
seekourfortunesinaworldwhichevenmyfatherdidnotdreamofwhenhesettleddowntobusiness
inPolotzk.
Justwhenhefelthimselfsafeandstrong,alongseriesoftroublessetintoharassus,andinafew
years'timewewerereducedtoastateofhelplesspoverty,inwhichtherewasnoroomtothinkof
anythingbutbread.Myfatherbecameseriouslyill,andspentlargesumsoncuresthatdidnotcure
him.Whilehewasstillaninvalid,mymotheralsobecameillandkeptherbedforthebetterpartof
twoyears.Whenshegotup,itwasonlytolapseagain.Someofuschildrenalsofellill,sothatatone
periodthehousewasahospital.Andwhilemyparentswereincapacitated,thebusinesswasruined
throughbadmanagement,untiladaycamewhentherewasnotenoughmoneyinthecashdrawerto
paythedoctor'sbills.
Forsomeyearsaftertheygotupontheirfeetagain,myparentsstruggledtoregaintheirplaceinthe
businessworld,butfailedtodoso.Myfatherhadanotherperiodofexperimentingwiththisorthat
business,likehisearlierexperience.Buteverythingwentwrong,tillatlasthemadegreatresolveto
beginlifealloveragain.Andthewaytodothatwastostartonanewsoil.Myfatherdeterminedto
emigratetoAmerica.
IhavenowtoldwhoIam,whatmypeoplewere,howIbeganlife,andwhyIwasbroughttoanew
home.Uptothispoint,Ihaveborrowedtherecollectionsofmyparents,topieceoutmyown
fragmentaryreminiscences.ButfromnowonIproposetobemyownpilotacrosstheseasofmemory
andifIlosemyselfinthemistsofuncertainty,orrunagroundonthereefsofspeculation,Istillhope
tomakeportatlast,andIshalllookforwelcomingfacesontheshore.FortheshipIsailinishistory,
andfactswillkindlemybeaconfires.
CHAPTERV
IREMEMBER
MYfatherandmothercouldtellmemuchmorethatIhaveforgotten,orthatIneverwasawareof
butIwanttoreconstructmychildhoodfromthosebrokenrecollectionsonlywhich,recurringtomein
afteryears,filledmewiththepainandwonderofremembrance.Iwanttostringtogetherthose
glimpsesofmyearliestdaysthatdangleinmymind,likelittlelanternsinthecrookedalleysofthe
past,andshowmeanelusivelittlefigurethatismyself,andyetsomuchastrangertome,thatIoften
ask,CanthisbeI?
Ihavenotmuchfaithintherealityofmyfirstrecollection,butasIcannevergobackoverthepast
withoutbringingupatlastatthissombrelittlescene,asatadoorbeyondwhichIcannotpass,Imust
putitdownforwhatitisworthintheschemeofmymemories.Isee,then,anempty,darkenedroom.
Inthemiddle,onthefloor,liesalongShape,coveredwithsomeblackstuff.Therearecandlesatthe
headoftheShape.Dimfiguresareseatedlow,againstthewalls,swayingtoandfro.Nosoundisin
theroom,exceptamoanorasighfromtheshadowyfiguresbutachildiswalkingsoftlyaroundand
aroundtheShapeonthefloor,inquietcuriosity.
TheShapeisthebodyofmygrandfatherlaidoutforburial.Thechildismyselfmyselfasking
questionsofDeath.
Iwasfouryearsoldwhenmymother'sfatherdied.DoIreallyrememberthelittlescene?PerhapsI
hearditdescribedbysomefondrelative,asIheardotheranecdotesofmyinfancy,andunconsciously
incorporateditwithmygenuinerecollections.Itissosuitableasceneforabeginning:thedarkness,
themystery,theimpenetrability.Myshareinit,too,ischaracteristicenough,ifIreallystudiedthat
Shapebythelightedcandles,asIhavealwayspretendedtomyself.SooftenafterwardsIfindmyself
forgettingtheconventionalmeaningsofthings,insomesearchforameaningofmyown.Itismore
likely,however,thatItooknointellectualinterestinmygrandfather'sremainsatthetime,butlater
on,whenIsoughtforaFirstRecollection.perhaps,elaboratedthescene,andmypartinit,to
somethingthatsatisfiedmysenseofdramaticfitness.IfIreallycommittedsuchafraud,Iamnow
wellpunished,bybeingobliged,attheverystart,todiscredittheauthenticityofmymemoirs.
Theabodeofourchildhood,ifnotrevisitedinlateryears,isapttoloominourimaginationasavast
edificewithimmensechambersinwhichourlittleselfseemslost.SomehowIhavefailedofthis
illusion.Mygrandfather'shousewhereIwasborn,stands,inmymemory,asmall,onestorywooden
building,whosechimneystouchtheskyatthesamelevelasitsneighbors'chimneys.Suchasitwas,
thehousestoodevenwiththesidewalk,buttheyardwasscreenedfromthestreetbyaboardfence,
outsidewhichIamsuretherewasabench.Thegateintotheyardswungsohighfromthegroundthat
fourfootedvisitorsdidnothavetowaittillitwasopened.Pigsfoundtheirwayin,andwereshown
thewayout,underthegategruntingontheirarrival,butsquealingontheirdeparture.
MYGRANDFATHER'SHOUSE,WHEREIWASBORN
OftheinteriorofthehouseIrememberonlyoneroom,andnotsomuchtheroomasthewindow,
whichhadabluesashcurtain,andbeyondthecurtainaviewofthenarrow,walledgarden,where
deepreddahliasgrew.Thegardenbelongedtothehouseadjoiningmygrandfather's,wherelivedthe
Gentilegirlwhowaskindtome.
ConcerningmydahliasIhavebeentoldthattheywerenotdahliasatall,butpoppies.Asa
conscientioushistorianIamboundtorecordeveryrumor,butIretaintherighttoclingtomyown
impression.Indeed,Imustinsistonmydahlias,ifIamtopreservethegardenatall.Ihavesolong
believedinthem,thatifItrytoseepoppiesinthoseredmassesoverthewall,thewholegarden
crumblesaway,andleavesmeagrayblank.Ihavenothingagainstpoppies.Itisonlythatmyillusion
ismorerealtomethanreality.Andsodoweoftenbuildourworldonanerror,andcryoutthatthe
universeisfallingtopieces,ifanyoneliftafingertoreplacetheerrorbytruth.
Ourswasaquietneighborhood.AcrossthenarrowstreetwastheorderlyfrontoftheKorpus,or
militaryacademy,withstraightrowsofunshutteredwindows.Itwasanimposingedificeintheeyes
ofusall,becauseitwasbuiltofbrick,andwasseveralstorieshigh.AtoneofthewindowsIpretendI
rememberseeingatailormendingtheuniformsofthecadets.Iknewtheuniforms,andIknew,in
lateryears,themanwhohadbeenthetailorbutIamnotsurethathedidnotemigratetoAmerica,
theretoseekhisfortuneinacandyshop,andhishappinessinafamilyoftriplets,twins,andeven
odds,longbeforeIwasoldenoughtotoddleasfarasthegate.
Behindmygrandfather'shousewasalowhill,whichIdonotrememberasamountain.Perhapsitwas
onlyahumpintheground.Thiseminence,ofwhateverstature,wasapartoftheVall,alongerand
higherridgeonthetopofwhichwasapromenade,andwhichwassaidtobetheburyinggroundof
Napoleonicsoldiers.Thishistoricrumormeantverylittletome,forIneverknewwhatNapoleonwas.
Itwasnotmywaytoacceptunchallengedeverysuperstitionthatcametomyears.Amongthewild
flowersthatgrewonthegrassyslopesoftheVall,therewasasmalldaisy,popularlycalled"blind
flower,"becauseitwassupposedtocauseblindnessinrashchildrenwhopickedit.Iwasrash,ifIwas
awakeandIpicked"blindflowers"behindthehouse,handfulsofthem,andenjoyedmyeyesight
unimpaired.Ifmyfaithinnurserylorewasshakenbythisexperience,Ikeptmydiscoverytomyself,
anddidnotundertaketoenlightenmyplaymates.Ifindotherinstances,lateron,ofthecuriousfact
thatIwascontentwithfindingoutformyself.ItiscurioustomebecauseIamnotsoreticentnow.
WhenIdiscoveranything,ifonlyanewtintintheredsunset,Imustpublishthefacttoallmyfriends.
IsitpossiblethatinmychildishreflectionsIrecognizedthefactthatourswasasecretiveatmosphere,
whereknowledgewasforthefew,andwisdomwassometimesacapitaloffence?
InthesummertimeIlivedoutdoorsconsiderably.Ifoundmanyoccasionstovisitmymotherinthe
store,whichgavemealongwalk.IfmyerrandwasnotpressingorperhapsevenifitwasImade
alongstoponthePlatz,especiallyifIhadacompanionwithme.ThePlatzwasarectangularspacein
thecentreofaroomysquare,withashadypromenadearounditslevellawn.TheKorpusfacedonthe
Platz,whichwasitsdrillground.Aroundthesquareweregroupedthefineresidencesoftheofficers
oftheKorpus,withagreatwhitechurchoccupyingoneside.Thesebuildingshadafearfulinterestfor
me,especiallythechurch,asthedwellingsandsanctuaryoftheenemybutonthePlatzIwasnot
afraidtoplayandseekadventures.Ilovedtowatchthecadetsdrillandplayball,orpassthemclose
astheypromenaded,twoandtwo,lookingsoperfectinwhitetrousersandjacketsandvisoredcaps.I
lovedtorunwithmyplaymatesandlayoutallsortsofgeometricfiguresonthefourstraightsidesof
thepromenadepatternsofinfinitevariety,traceableonlybyapairoftirelessfeet.Ifonegotsowild
withplayastoforgetallfear,onecouldswing,untilchasedawaybytheguard,ontheheavychain
festoonsthatencircledthemonumentatonesideofthesquare.Thiswastheonlymonumentin
Polotzk,dedicatedIneverknewtowhomorwhat.Itwasthemonument,astheskywasthesky,and
theearth,earth:theonlyphenomenonofitskind,mysterious,unquestionable.
ItwasnotfarfromthelimitsofPolotzktothefieldsandwoods.Myfatherwasfondoftakingus
childrenforalongwalkonaSabbathafternoon.Ihavelittlepicturesinmymindofplaceswherewe
went,thoughIdoubtiftheycouldbefoundfrommydescriptions.Itryinvaintoconjureupa
panoramicviewoftheneighborhood.EvenwhenIstoodontheapexoftheVall,andsawthelevel
countryspreadinalldirections,myinexperiencedeyesfailedtogivemethepictureofthewhole.I
sawthehousesinthestreetsbelow,allgoingtomarket.Thehighroadswanderedoutintothecountry,
anddisappearedinthesunnydistance,wheretheedgeoftheearthandtheedgeoftheskyfitted
together,likeajewelboxwiththelidajar.InthesethingsIsawwhatachildalwayssees:the
unrelatedfragmentsofavast,mysteriousworld.Butalthoughmygeographymaybevague,andthe
scenesIrememberasthepiecesofapaperpuzzle,stillmybreathcatchesasIreplacethisbitorthat,
andcoaxtheedgestofittogether.Iamobstinatelypositiveofsomepoints,andfortherest,youmay
amendthepuzzleifyoucan.YoumaymakeasurveyofPolotzkeversoaccurate,andshowmewhere
IwaswrongstillIamthebetterguide.Youmayshowthatmyadventurefulroadlednowhere,butI
canprove,bythequickeningofmypulseandthethrobbingofmyrapidrecollections,thatthings
happenedtomethereorhereandIshallbebelieved,notyou.Andsooverthevaguecanvasof
sceneshalfremembered,halfimagined,Idrawthebrushofrecollection,andpickoutherea
landmark,thereafigure,andsetmyownfeetbackintheoldways,andliveovertheoldevents.Itis
realenough,asbymybeatingheartyoumightknow.
SometimesmyfathertookusoutbytheLongRoad.ThereisnoroadintheneighborhoodofPolotzk
bythatname,butIknowverywellthatthewaywaslongtomylittlefeetandlongarethebackward
thoughtsthatcreepalongit,likeasunbeamtravellingwiththeday.
Thefirstlandmarkonthesunny,dustyroadisthehouseofapeasantacquaintancewherewestopped
forrestandadrink.Irememberacoolgrayinterior,awomanwithherbosomuncoveredpattering
barefoottohandusthehospitabledipper,andababysmotheredinadeepcradlewhichhungbyropes
fromtheceiling.Fartheron,theemptyroadgaveusshadowsoftreesandrustlingsoflonggrass.This,
atleast,iswhatIimagineoverthespaceswherenocertainobjectis.Then,Iknow,weranandplayed,
anditwasfatherhimselfwhohidinthecorn,andwemadehavocfollowingafter.Laughing,we
rambleon,tillwehearthelong,farwhistleofalocomotive.Therailroadtrackisjustvisibleoverthe
fieldontheleftoftheroadthecornfield,Isay,isontheright.Westandontiptoeandwaveourhands
andshoutasthelongtrainrushesbyataterrificspeed,leavingitspennonofsmokebehind.
Thepassingofthetrainthrilledmewonderfully.Wherediditcomefrom,andwhitherdiditfly,and
howdiditfeeltobeoneofthosefacesatthewindows?IfeverIdreamedofaworldbeyondPolotzk,
itmusthavebeenatthosetimes,thoughIdonothonestlyremember.
SomewhereoutonthatsameLongRoadistheplacewhereweonceattendedawedding.Idonot
knowwhoweremarried,orwhethertheylivedhappilyeverafterbutIrememberthatwhenthe
dancerswerewearied,andwewereallsatedwithgoodies,daywasdawning,andseveraloftheyoung
peoplewentoutforastrollinagrovenearby.Theytookmewiththemwhowerethey?andthey
lostme.Atanyrate,whentheysawmeagain,Iwasastranger.ForIhadsojourned,foran
immeasurablemoment,inaworldapartfromtheirs.IhadwitnessedmyfirstsunriseIhadwatched
therosymorningtiptoeinamongthesilverbirches.Andthatgrovestandsontheleftsideoftheroad.
Wehadanotherstoppingplaceoutinthatdirection.Itwastheplacewheremymothersenther
hundredandmorehouseplantstobecaredforoneseason,becauseforsomereasontheycouldnot
farewellathome.Wechildrenwenttovisitthemonceandthememoryofthatisredandwhiteand
purple.
TheLongRoadwenteveronandonIremembernoturns.Butweturnedatlast,whenthesunwasset
andthebreezeofeveningblewandsometimesthefirststarcameinandtheSabbathwentoutbefore
wereachedhomeandsupper.
AnotherwayoutoftownwasbythebridgeacrossthePolota.Irecallmorethanoneexcursioninthat
direction.Sometimeswemadealargeparty,annexingafewcousinsandauntsfortheday.Atthis
momentIfeelamovementofaffectionfortheserelationswhosharedourcountryadventures.Ihad
forgottenwhatvirtuetherewasinourfamilyIdolikepeoplewhocanwalk.Inthosedays,itislikely
enough,Ididnotalwayswalkonmyownlegs,forIwasverylittle,andnotstrong.Idonotremember
beingcarried,butifanyofmybigunclesgavemealift,IamsureIlikethemallthemoreforit.
TheDvinaRiverswallowedthePolotamanytimesaday,yetthelesserstreamfloodedtheuniverse
ononeoccasion.Onthehitherbankofthatstream,asyougofromPolotzk,Ishouldplantaflowering
bush,alilacorarose,inmemoryofthelifethatbloomedinmeonedaythatIwasthere.
Leisurelywehadstrolledoutofthepeacefultown.Itwasearlyspring,andtheskyandtheearthwere
twowarmpalmsinwhichalllivethingsnestled.Littlegreenleavestrembledonthetrees,andthe
green,greengrasssparkled.Wesatusdowntorestalittleabovethebridgeandlifeflowedinandout
ofusfully,freely,astheriverflowedandpartedaboutthebridgepiles.
Amarketgardenlayontheoppositeslope,yellowgreenwithfirstgrowth.Inthelongblackfurrows
yetunsownapeasantpushedhisplow.Iwatchedhimgoupanddown,leavinganewblacklineon
thebankforeveryturn.Suddenlyhebegantosing,arudeplowman'ssong.Onlythemelodyreached
me,butthemeaningsprangupinmyhearttofititasongoftheearthandthehopesoftheearth.I
satalongtimelistening,looking,tensewithattention.Ifeltmyselfdiscoveringthings.Somethingin
megaspedforlife,andlaystill.Iwasbutalittlebody,andLifeUniversalhadsuddenlyburstupon
me.ForamomentIhadmylittlehandontheGreatPulse,butmyfingersslipped,empty.Forthe
spaceofwildheartbeatIknew,andthenIwasagainasimplechild,lookingtomyearthlysensesfor
life.Buttheskyhadstretchedforme,theearthhadexpandedagreaterlifehaddawnedinme.
Wearenotbornallatonce,butbybits.Thebodyfirst,andthespiritlaterandthebirthandgrowthof
thespirit,inthosewhoareattentivetotheirowninnerlife,areslowandexceedinglypainful.Our
mothersarerackedwiththepainsofourphysicalbirthweourselvessufferthelongerpainsofour
spiritualgrowth.Oursoulsarescarredwiththestrugglesofsuccessivebirths,andtheprocessis
recordedalsobythewrinklesinourbrains,bythelinesinourfaces.Lookatme,andyouwillseethat
Ihavebeenbornmanytimes.Andmyfirstselfbirthhappened,asIhavetold,thatspringdayofmy
earlysprings.Therefore,wouldIplantaroseonthegreenbankofthePolota,theretobloomintoken
ofeternallife.
Eternal,divinelife.Thisisataleofimmortallife.ShouldIbesittinghere,chatteringofmyinfantile
adventures,ifIdidnotknowthatIwasspeakingforthousands?Shouldyoubesittingthere,attending
tomychatter,whiletheworld'sworkwaits,ifyoudidnotknowthatIspokealsoforyou?Imightsay
"you"or"he"insteadof"I."OrImightbesilent,whileyouspokeformeandtherest,butforthe
accidentthatIwasbornwithapeninmyhand,andyouwithout.Welovetoreadthelivesofthe
great,yetwhatabrokenhistoryofmankindtheygive,unlesssupplementedbythelivesofthe
humble.Butwhilethegreatcanspeakforthemselves,orbythetonguesoftheiradmirers,thehumble
areapttoliveinarticulateanddieunheard.Itiswellthatnowandthenoneisbornamongthesimple
withatasteforselfrevelation.Themanorwomanthusendowedmustspeak,willspeak,thoughthere
areonlythegrassesinthefieldtohear,andnonebutthewindtocarrythetale.
Itisfuntorunoverthebridge,withaclatterofstoutlittleshoesonresoundingtimbers.Wepassa
walledorchardontheright,andremindeachotherofthefruitweenjoyedherelastsummer.Ournext
stoppingplaceisfartheron,beyondthewaysideinnwherelivestheidiotboywhogavemesucha
scarelasttime.Itisapoorenoughplace,wherewestop,butthereisanicehouse,theonlyoneI
know.Weareallowedtogoinandseethegreenishmassesoficegleaminginthehalflight,andbring
outjarsofsweet,black"lagerbeer,"whichwedrinkinthesunnydoorway.Ishallalwaysremember
theflavorofthestuff,andthesmellandthewonderandchilloftheicehouse.
Ivaguelyremembersomethingaboutaconventoutinthatdirection,butIwastiredandsleepyafter
mylongwalk,andgladtobereturninghome.Ihopetheycarriedmeabitoftheway,forIwasvery
tired.Therewerestarsoutbeforewereachedhome,andthemenstoppedinthemiddleofthestreetto
blessthenewmoon.
ItispleasanttorecallhowwewentbathinginthePolota.OnFridayafternoonsinsummer,whenthe
week'sworkwasdone,andthehousesofthegoodhousewivesstoodshiningwithcleanliness,ready
fortheSabbath,partiesofwomenandgirlswentchatteringandlaughingdowntotheriverbank.
Therewasaparticularspotwhichbelongedtothewomen.Idonotknowwherethemenbathed,but
ourpartoftheriverwasjustaboveBonderoff'sgristmill.Icanseethegreenbankslopingtothe
water,andthestillwaterslidingdowntothesuddenswirlandsprayofthemillrace.
Thewoodsonthebankscreenedthebathers.Bathingcostumesweresimplyabsent,whichcausedthe
mermaidsnoembarrassment,fortheywereaccustomedtoseeeachothernakedinthepublichot
baths.Theyhadlittlefearofintrusion,forthespotwassacredtothem.Theysplashedaboutand
laughedandplayedtricks,withstreaminghairandfreegestures.IdonotknowwhenIsawthegirls
playastheydidinthewater.Itwasaprettypicture,butthebatherswouldhavebeenshockedbeyond
yourunderstandingifyouhadsuggestedthatnakedwomenmightbeputintoapicture.Ifitever
happened,asithappenedatleastonceformetoremember,thattheirprivacywasoutraged,the
batherswerethrownintoapanicasiftheirveryliveswerethreatened.Screaming,theyhuddled
together,lowinthewater,somehidingtheireyesintheirhands,withtheinstinctoftheostrich.Some
ranfortheirclothesonthebank,andstoodshrinkingbehindsomeinadequaterag.Themorespirited
ofthenaiadsthrewpebblesatthecowardlyintruders,who,safebehindtheleafycoverthatwasmeant
toshieldmodesty,threwjeersandmockeryinreturn.ButtheGentileboysranawaysoon,orran
awaypunished.AchemiseandapetticoatturnafrightenedwomanintoanAmazoninsuch
circumstancesandwoetotheimpudentwretchwholingeredaftertheavengersplungedintothe
thicket.Slapsandcuffsatcloserangewerehisportion,andcursespursuedhiminretreat.
AmongtheliveliestofmymemoriesarethoseofeatinganddrinkingandIwouldsoonergiveup
someofmydelightfulrememberedwalks,greentrees,coolskies,andall,thantolosemyimagesof
supperseatenonSabbatheveningsattheendofthosewalks.Imakenoapologytothespiritually
minded,towhomthisstatementmustbearevelationofgrossness.Iamcontenttotellthetruthaswell
asIamable.Idonotevenneedtoconsolemyselfwiththereflectionthatwhatisdrosstothedreamy
asceticmaybegoldtothepsychologist.ThefactisthatIate,evenasadelicatechild,with
considerablerelishandIremembereatingwitharelishstillkeener.Why,Icandreamawayahalf
hourontheimmortalflavorofthosethickcheesecakesweusedtohaveonSaturdaynight.Iamno
cook,soIcannottellyouhowtomakesuchcake.Imightborrowtherecipefrommymother,butI
wouldratheryoushouldtakemywordfortheexcellenceofPolotzkcheesecakes.Ifyoushould
attemptthatpastry,Iamcertain,beyoueversocleveracook,youwouldbedisappointedbythe
resultandhenceyoumightbeledtomistrustmyreflectionsandconclusions.Youhavenothingin
yourkitchencupboardtogivethepastryitsnotableflavor.Ittakeshistorytomakesuchacake.First,
youmusteatitasaravenouschild,inmemorabletwilights,beforethelightingoftheweekdaylamp.
Thenyoumusthaveyourselfremovedfromthehouseofyoursimplefeast,acrosstheoceans,toa
landwhereyourcherishedpastryisunknownevenbynameandwheredaylightandtwilight,work
dayandfteday,foryearsrushbyyouintheunbrokentideofastrange,new,overalllife.Youmust
abstainfromtheinimitablemorselforaperiodofyears,Ithinkfifteenisthemagicnumber,and
thensuddenly,oneday,rubtheAladdin'slampofmemory,andhavetherenownedtidbitwhisked
uponyourplatter,garnishedwithahundredsweetherbsofpastassociation.
Doyouthinkallyourimportedspices,allyourscientificblendingandmanipulating,couldproduceso
fragrantamorselasthatwhichIhaveonmytongueasIwrite?GladamIthatmymother,inher
assiduousimitationofeverythingAmerican,hasforgottenthesecretsofPolotzkcookery.Atanyrate,
shedoesnotpractiseit,andIamthericherinmemoriesforheromissions.Polotzkcheesecake,asI
nowknowit,hasinittheflavorofdaisiesandcloverpickedontheVallthesweetnessofDvina
watertherichnessofnewlyturnedearthwhichImouldedwithbarefeetandhandstheripenessof
redcherriesboughtbythedipperfulinthemarketplacethefragranceofallmychildhood'ssummers.
Abstinence,asIhavementioned,isoneoftheessentialingredientsinthephantomdish.Idiscovered
thisthrougharecentexperience.Itwascherrytimeinthecountry,andthesightofthescarletfruit
suddenlyremindedmeofacherryseasoninPolotzk,Icouldnotsayhowmanyyearsago.Onthat
earlieroccasionmyCousinShimke,who,likeeverybodyelse,wasastorekeeper,hadsetaboyto
watchherstore,andmetowatchtheboy,whileshewenthometomakecherrypreserves.Shegaveus
abasketofcherriesforourtrouble,andtheboyofferedtoeatthemwiththestonesifIwouldgivehim
myshare.ButIwasequaltothatfeatmyself,sowesatdowntoacherrystonecontest.Whoatethe
moststonesIcouldnotrememberasIstoodundertheladentreesnotlongago,butthetranscendent
flavorofthehistoricalcherriescamebacktome,andIneedsmustenjoyitoncemore.
Iclimbedintothelowestboughsandhungthere,eatingcherrieswiththestones,mywholemind
concentratedonthesenseoftaste.Alas!thefruithadnosuchflavortoyieldasIsought.Excellent
Americancherrieswerethese,butnotsofragrantlysweetasmycousin'scherries.AndifIshould
returntoPolotzk,andbuymeameasureofcherriesatamarketstall,andpayforitwithaRussian
groschen,wouldthemarketwomanbegenerousenoughtothrowinthathauntingflavor?IfearI
shouldfindthattheoldspeciesofcherryisextinctinPolotzk.
Sometimes,whenIamnottryingtorememberatall,Iammorefortunateinextractingtheflavorsof
pastfeastsfrommyplainAmericanviands.Iwaseatingstrawberriestheotherday,ripe,red
Americanstrawberries.SuddenlyIexperiencedtheveryflavorandaromaofsomestrawberriesIate
perhapstwentyyearsago.Istartedasfromashock,andthensatstillforIdonotknowhowlong,
breathlesswithamazement.InthebriefintervalofagustatoryperceptionIbecameachildagain,and
Ipositivelyachedwiththepainofbeingsosuddenlycompressedtothatsmallbeing.Iwandered
aboutPolotzkoncemore,withlarge,questioningeyesIrodetheAtlanticinanemigrantshipItook
possessionoftheNewWorld,myearsgrowingaccustomedtoanewlanguageIsatatthefeetof
renownedprofessors,tillmyeyescontractedindreamingoverwhattheytaughtandthereIwas
again,anAmericanamongAmericans,suddenlymadeawareofallthatIhadbeen,allthatIhad
becomesuddenlyilluminated,inspiredbyacompletevisionofmyself,adaughterofIsraelanda
childoftheuniverse,thattaughtmemoreofthehistoryofmyracethanevermylearnedteachers
couldunderstand.
Allthiscametomeinthatinstantoftasting,allfromtheflavorofripestrawberriesonmytongue.
Why,then,shouldInottreasuremymemoriesofchildhoodfeasts?Thisexperiencegivesmeagreat
respectformybreadandmeat.IwanttotasteofasmanyviandsaspossibleforwhenIsitdowntoa
dishofporridgeIamcertainofrisingagainabetteranimal,andImayriseawiserman.Iwanttoeat
anddrinkandbeinstructed.SomedayIexpecttoextractfrommypuddingtheflavorofmannawhich
Iateinthedesert,andthenIshallwriteyouacontemporaneouscommentaryontheExodus.NordoI
despairofrememberingyet,overadishofcorn,thetimewhenIfedonwormsandthenImaybe
abletorecallhowitfelttobemadeatlastintoaman.Givemetoeatanddrink,forIcravewisdom.
Mywinters,whileIwasaverylittlegirl,werepassedincomparativeconfinement.Onaccountofmy
delicatehealth,mygrandmotherandauntsdeemeditwisetokeepmeindoorsorifIwentout,Iwas
soheavilycoatedandmittenedandshawledthatthefrostscarcelygotachanceatthetipofmynose.I
neverskatedorcoastedorbuiltsnowhouses.IfIhadanyexperienceofsnowballs,itwaswiththose
thrownatmebytheGentileboys.ThewayIdodgeasnowballtothisdaymakesmecertainthatI
learnedtheactinmyfearfulchildhooddays,whenIlearnedsomanycowardlytricksofbendingtoa
blow.IknowthatIwasproudofmyselfwhen,notmanyyearsago,IfoundIwasnotafraidtostand
upandcatchaflyingbaseballbutthefearofthesnowballIhavenotconquered.WhenIturnacorner
insnowballdays,theboyswithbulgingpocketsseeaheadheldhighandastepunquickened,butI
knowthatIcringeinwardlyandthisprivatemortificationIsetdownagainstoldPolotzk,inmylong
scoreofgrievancesandshames.Fearisadevilhardtocastout.
LetmemakethemostofthewinteradventuresthatIrecall.First,therewassleighing.Weneverkept
horsesofourown,butthehorsesofourcustomerguestswerealwaysatourdisposal,andmanya
jollyridetheygaveus,withthedvornikatthereins,whiletheirownerhaggledwithmymotherinthe
storeaboutthepriceofsoap.Wehadnoluxurioussleigh,withcushionsandfurrobes,nosilverbells
onourharness.Ourswasabaresledgeusedforhaulingwood,withapaddingofstrawandburlap,
andthereins,aslikelyasnot,wereaknottedrope.Butthehorsesdidfly,overtheriverandupthe
oppositebankifwechoseandwhetherwehadbellsornot,themerry,foolishheartofYakubwould
sing,andthewhipwouldcrack,andwechildrenwouldlaughandthesportwasasgoodaswhen,
occasionally,wedidrideinamoresplendidsleigh,loanedusbyoneofourprouderguests.Wewere
wholesomeasapplestolookatwhenwereturnedforbreadandteaintheduskatleastIremember
mysister,withcheeksasredasapainteddoll'sunderhercloseclippedcurlsandmylittlebrother,
rosy,too,andaristocraticlookingenough,inhislittlegreatcoattiedwitharedsash,andlittlefurcap
withearlaps.Formyself,Isupposemynosewaspurpleandmycheekspinched,justastheyarenow
inthecoldweatherbutIhadagoodtime.
AtcertainImeanuncertainintervalswewerebundledupandmarchedtothepublicbaths.This
wassogreatanundertaking,consuminghalfadayorso,andinvolving,inwinter,suchriskof
catchingcold,thatitisnowondertheceremonywasnotpractisedoftener.
Thepublicbathsweresituatedontheriverbank.Ialwaysstoppedawhileoutside,tovisitthepoor
patienthorseinthetreadmill,bymeansofwhichthewaterwaspumpedintothebaths.Iwasnot
sentimentalaboutanimalsthen.Ihadnotreadof"BlackBeauty"oranyotherpersonifiedmonstersI
hadnotheardofanysocietiesforthepreventionofcrueltytoanything.Butmypitystirredofitsown
accordatthesightofthatmiserablebruteinthetreadmill.Iwasusedtoseeinghorseshardworked
andabused.Thishorsehadnoloadtomakehimsweat,andIneversawhimwhipped.YetIpitiedthis
creature.Roundandroundhislittlecirclehetrod,withheadhangingandeyesvoidofexpectation
roundandroundallday,unthrilledbyanytouchofreinorbridle,interpretersofalivingwillround
andround,allsolitary,neverdriven,neverchecked,neveraddressedroundandroundandround,a
walkingmachine,witheyesthatdidnotflash,withteeththatdidnotthreaten,withhoofsthatdidnot
strikeroundandroundthedulldaylong.Iknewwhatahorse'slifeshouldbe,entangledwiththelife
ofamaster:adventurous,troubled,thrilledpettedandopposed,lovedandabusedtodaytheringing
citypavementunderfoot,andthebuzzofbeastsandmeninthemarketplacetomorrowtheyielding
turfundertickledflanks,andthelonewhinnyofscatteredmates.Howemptytheexistenceofthe
treadmillhorsebesidethis!AsemptyandendlessanddullasthelifeofalmostanywomaninPolotzk,
hadIhadeyestoseethelikeness.
Buttomyablutions!
Weundressinaroomleadingdirectlyfromtheentry,andfurnishedonlywithbenchesaroundthe
walls.Thereisnoscreenorotherprotectionagainstthedraftsrushingineverytimethedooris
opened.Whenweenterthebathingroomweareconfusedbyababelofsoundsshrillvoicesof
women,hoarsevoicesofattendants,wailingandyelpingofchildren,andrushingofwater.Atthe
sametimewearesmittenbytheheatoftheroomandnearlysuffocatedbycloudsofsteam.Wefind
atlastanemptybench,andsurroundourselveswithasemicircleofwoodenpails,collectedfromall
aroundtheroom.Sometimestwowomeninsearchofpailslayholdofthesamepailatthesame
moment,andawrangleensues,inthecourseofwhicheachdisputantremindstheotherofallher
failings,nicknames,andundesirableconnections,living,dead,andunbornuntilanattendant
interferes,withmoremusclethanargument,punctuatingthesentenceofjusticewithnewlycoined
expletivessuggestedbytheoccasion.Thecentreoftheroom,wherethebathersfilltheirpailsatthe
faucets,isafieldofendlessbattle,especiallyonacrowdedday.Thepeacefulwomenseatedwithin
earshotstoptheirviolentscrubbing,tothereliefofunwillingchildren,whiletheyattendtothe
liveliestofthequarrels.
Iliketowatchthepoll,thatplaceoftortureandheroicendurance.Itisaseriesofstepsrisingtothe
ceiling,affordingagraduallymountingtemperature.Thebatherwhowantstoenjoyaviolent
sweatingrestsfulllengthforafewminutesoneachstep,whileanattendantadministersseveralhearty
strokesofastingingbesom.Sometimesawomanclimbstoofar,andisbroughtdowninafaint.On
thepoll,also,thecuppingisdone.Thebackofthepatient,withthecupsinevenrows,lookstome
likeamuffinpan.OfcourseInevergoonthepoll:Iamnotrobustenough.MyspankingsItakeat
home.
Anothercentreofinterestisthemikweh,thenameofwhichitisindelicatetomentioninthehearing
ofmen.Itisalargepoolofstandingwater,itsdepthgradedbymeansofaflightofsteps.Every
marriedwomanmustperformherecertainceremoniousablutionsatregularintervals.Cleanlinessisas
strictlyenjoinedasgodliness,andthemannerofattainingitiscarefullyprescribed.Thewomenare
preparedbytheattendantsforenteringthepool,thecuriouschildrenlookingon.Inthepooltheyare
duckedovertheirheadsthecorrectnumberoftimes.Thewaterinthepoolhasbeenstandingfordays
itdoesnotlooknorsmellfresh.ButwehadnogermsinPolotzk,sonoharmcameofit,anymore
thanofthepailsusedpromiscuouslybyfemininePolotzk.Ifanyweresodaintyastohavesecond
thoughtsabouttheuseofthecommonbath,theycouldenjoy,forafeeoftwentyfivekopecks,a
privatebathtubinanotherpartofthebuilding.FortherichtherewereluxurieseveninPolotzk.
Cleansed,redskinned,andsteaming,wereturnatlasttothedressingroom,toshiver,aswedress,in
thecolddraftsfromtheentrydoorandthen,muffleduptotheeyes,weplungeintotherefreshing
outerair,andhurryhome,lookinglikesomanybigbundlesrunningawaywithsmallerbundles.Ifwe
meetacquaintancesonthewaywearegreetedwith"zurefueh"("toyourgoodhealth").Ifthefirst
manwemeetisaGentile,thewomenwhohavebeentothemikwehhavetoreturnandrepeatthe
ceremonyofpurification.Topreventsuchacalamity,thekerchiefiswornhoodedovertheeyes,soas
toexcludeunholysights.Athomeweareindulgedwithextrapiecesofcakefortea,andotherwise
treatedlikeheroesreturnedfromvictory.Wenarrateanecdotesofourexpedition,andmymother
complainsthatmylittlebrotherisgettingtoooldtobetakentothewomen'sbath.Hewillgohereafter
withthemen.
Mywinterconfinementwasnotsharedbymyoldersister,whootherwisewasmyconstant
companion.ShewentoutmorethanI,notbeingsoafraidofthecold.Sheusedtofretsowhenmy
motherwasawayinthestorethatitbecameacustomforhertoaccompanymymotherfromthetime
shewasamerebaby.Muffledandrosyandfrostbitten,thetearsofcoldrollingunnoticeddownher
plumpcheeks,sheranaftermybusymotheralldaylong,ortumbledaboutbehindthecounter,or
nestledforanapamongthebulgingsacksofoatsandbarley.Shewarmedherlittlehandsovermy
mother'spotofglowingcharcoaltherewasnostoveinthestoreandevenlearnedtostandastride
ofit,forfurthercomfort,withoutsettingherclothesonfire.
Fetchkewaslikeayoungcoltinseparablefromthemare.Imakethiscomparisonnotindisrespectful
jest,butindeepestpity.Fetchkekeptclosetomymotheratfirstforloveandprotection,butthe
pettingshegotbecameablindfordiscipline.Shelearnedearly,frommymother'sexample,thathands
andfeetandbrainsweremadeforlabor.Shelearnedtobowtotheyoke,toliftburdens,todomore
forothersthanshecouldeverhopetohavedoneforherinturn.Shelearnedtoseesugarplumslie
aroundwithoutaskingforhershare.Whenshewasonlyfittonurseherdolls,shelearnedhowto
comfortawearyheart.
THEMEATMARKET,POLOTZK
AndallthiswhileIsatwarmandwatchedoverathome,untouchedbyanydisciplinesavesuchasI
directlyincurredbymyownsins.IdifferedfromFetchkealittleinage,considerablyinhealth,and
enormouslyinluck.Itwasmygoodluck,inthefirstplace,tobebornafterher,insteadofbeforein
thesecondplace,toinherit,fromthefamilystock,thatparticularassortmentofgiftswhichwassure
tomarkmeforspecialattentions,exemptions,andprivilegesandasfortunealwayssmilesongood
fortune,ithaseverbeenmyluck,inthethirdplace,tofindsomethinggoodinmyidlehandwhether
asunbeam,oralovingheart,oracongenialtaskwhenever,onturningacorner,Iputoutmyhandto
seewhatmynewworldwaslikewhilemysister,dear,devotedcreature,hadherhandssoofwork
thatthesunbeamslipped,andthelovingcomradepassedoutofhearingbeforeshecouldstraighten
fromhertask,andallshehadofthebetterworldwasascentedzephyrfannedinherfacebythe
irresistibleclosingofadoor.
PerhapsEsauhasbeentooseverelyblamedforsellinghisbirthrightforamessofpottage.Thelotof
thefirstbornisnotnecessarilytobeenvied.Thefirstbornofawelltodopatriarch,likeIsaac,orofa
Rothschildoftoday,inherits,withhisfather'sflocksandslavesandcoffers,atroopofcaresand
responsibilitiesunlesshebeamanwithoutasenseofduty,inwhichcasewearenotsupposedto
envyhim.Thefirstbornofanindigentfatherinheritsadoublemeasureofdisadvantagesofpoverty,
ajoylesschildhood,aguidelessyouth,andperhapsamatelessmanhood,hisownlifebeingdrainedto
feedtheyoungofhisfather'sbegetting.Ifwecannotdoawaywithpovertyentirely,weoughtatleast
toabolishtheinstitutionofprimogeniture.Natureinventedtheindividual,andpromisedhim,asa
rewardforlustybeing,comfortandimmortality.Comesmanwithhispatentedbrainsandcopyrighted
notions,andleviesataxontheindividual,intheformofenforcedcoperation,forthemaintenanceof
hispetinstitution,thefamily.Ourcomfort,inthegripofthistyranny,mustlieinthehopethatman,
whoisnobastardchildofMotherNature,maybeapproachingamoreperfectresemblancetoher
majesticfeaturesthathisfitfuldevelopmentwillculminateinaspiritualconstitutioncapableof
absolutejustice.
IthinkIwastellinghowIstayedathomeinthewinter,whilemysisterhelpedorhinderedmymother
inherstorekeeping.Thedaysdrewthemselvesouttoolongsometimes,sothatIsatatthewindow
thinkingwhatshouldhappennext.Nodolls,nobooks,nogames,andattimesnocompanions.My
grandmothertaughtmeknitting,butInevergottotheheelofmystocking,becauseifIdiscovereda
droppedstitchIinsistedonunravellingallmyworktillIpickeditupandgrandmother,insteadof
encouragingmeinmyloveforperfection,lostpatienceandtookawaymyknittingneedles.Istill
maintainthatshewasinthewrong,butIhaveforgivenher,sinceIhavewornmanypairsofstockings
withdroppedstitches,andbeengratefulforthem.Andspeakingofsucheverydaythingsremindsme
ofmyfriends,amongwhomalsoIfindanimpressivenumberwithastitchdroppedsomewhereinthe
patternoftheirsouls.IlovethesefriendssodearlythatIbegintothinkIamatlastsheddingmy
intoleranceforIrememberthedaywhenIcouldnotlovelessthanperfection.Iandmyimperfect
friendstogetheraspiretocastourblemishes,andIamhappierso.
Therewasnotmuchtoseefrommywindow,yetadventuresbeckonedtomefromtheemptystreet.
Sometimestheadventurewasreal,andIwentouttoactinit,insteadofdreamingonmystool.Once,I
remember,itwasearlyspring,andthewinter'sice,justchoppedupbythestreetcleaners,laymuddy
andraggedandhighinthestreetsfromcurbtocurb.Soitmustlietilltherewastimetocartittothe
Dvina,whichhadallitcoulddoatthisseasontocarrytons,andheavytons,oficeandsnowand
everysortofcityrubbish,accumulatedduringthelongclosedmonths.Polotzkhadnounderground
communicationwiththesea,savesuchaswaternaturallymakesforitself.ThepooroldDvinawas
hardworked,servingbothasdrinkingfountainandsewer,asabridgeinwinter,ahighwayin
summer,andaplaygroundatalltimes.Soitservedusrightifwehadtowaitweeksandweeksinthe
thawingtimeforourstreetstobeclearedandwedeservedallthesprainsandbruiseswesuffered
fromclamberingoverthebrokeniceinthestreetswhilegoingaboutourbusiness.
LeahtheShort,littleandstraightandneat,withabasketononearmandabundleundertheother,
stoodhesitatingontheedgeofthecurboppositemywindow.Herpooroldface,framedinitscalico
kerchief,hadawrinkleofanxietyinit.Thetumblediceheapinthestreetlookedtoherlikean
impassablebarrier.Tinyasshewas,andloaded,shehadreasontohesitate.Perhapsshehadeggsin
herbasket,IthoughtofthatasIlookedatheracrossthestreetandIthoughtofmyoldambitionto
measuremyself,shouldertoshoulder,withLeah,reputedlyshort.Iwassmallmyself,andwas
constantlyremindedofitbyavarietyofnicknames,lovinglyorvengefullyinventedbymyfriends
andenemies.IwascalledMouseandCrumbandPoppySeed.ShouldIlivetobecalled,inmyold
age,MashketheShort?IlongedtomeasuremystaturebyLeah's,andherewasmychance.
Iranoutintothestreet,mygrandmotherscoldingmeforgoingwithoutashawl,andIcallingbackto
hertobesureandwatchme.Iskippedovertheiceblockslikeagoat,andofferedmyassistanceto
LeahtheShort.WithadmirableskillandsolicitudeIguidedhertimidstepsacrossthestreet,atthe
sametimewinkingtomygrandmotheratthewindow,andpointingtomyshoulderclosetoLeah's.
Onceonthesafesidewalk,thetinywomanthankedmeandblessedmeandpraisedmefora
thoughtfulchildandIwatchedhertoddleawaywithouttheleaststirofshameatmyhypocrisy.She
hadconvincedmethatIwasagoodlittlegirl,andIhadconvincedmyselfthatIwasnotsoveryshort.
MychinwasalmostonalevelwithLeah'sshoulder,andIhadyearsaheadinwhichtoelevateit.
Grandmaatthewindowwaswitness,andIwasentirelyhappy.IfIcaughtcoldfromgoing
bareheaded,somuchthebettermotherwouldgivemerockcandyformycough.
Forthelongwintereveningstherewasplentyofquietoccupation.Ilikedtositwiththewomenatthe
longbaretablepickingfeathersfornewfeatherbeds.Itwaspleasanttopokemyhandintothesoft
heapedmassandsetitallinmotion.IpretendedthatIcouldpickoutthefeathersofparticularhens,
formerlymypets.Ireflectedthattheyhadfedmewitheggsandbroth,andnowweregoingtomake
mybedsosoftwhileIhaddonenothingforthembutthrowthemahandfulofoatsnowandthen,or
chasethemabout,orspoiltheirnests.IwasnotashamedofmypartIknewthatifIwereahenI
shoulddoasahendoes.Ijustlikedtothinkaboutthingsinmyidleway.
Itke,thehousemaid,wasalwaystheonetobreakinuponmyreflections.Shewassuretohaveafitof
sneezingjustwhentheheaponthetablewashighest,sendingcloudsoffeathersintotheair,likea
homemadesnowstorm.Afterthattheeveningwasfinishedbyourpickingthefeathersfromeach
other'shair.
Sometimesweplayedcardsorcheckers,munchingfrostbittenapplesbetweenmoves.Sometimesthe
womensewed,andwechildrenwoundyarnorworstedforgrandmother'sknitting.Ifsomebodyhada
storytotellwhiletherestworked,theeveningpassedwithapleasantsenseofsemiidlenessforall.
OnaSaturdaynight,theSabbathbeingjustdeparted,ghoststorieswereparticularlyinfavor.After
twoorthreeofthecreepylegendswebegantomoveclosertogetherunderthelamp.Attheendofan
hourorsowestartedandscreamedifaspoolfell,orawindowrattled.Atbedtimenobodywas
willingtomaketheroundofdoorsandwindows,andwewereafraidtobringacandleintoadark
room.
Iwasjustasmuchafraidasanybody.Iamafraidnowtobealoneinthehouseatnight.Icertainlywas
afraidthatSaturdaynightwhensomebody,inbravado,suggestedfreshbakedbuns,asacharmto
dispeltheghosts.ThebakerwholivednextdooralwaysbakedonSaturdaynight.Whowouldgoand
fetchthebuns?Nobodydaredtoventureoutdoors.Ithadsnowedalleveningthefrostedwindows
preventedapreliminarysurveyofthesilentnight.Brrrr!Nobodywouldtakethedare.
Nobodybutme.Oh,howthecreepsranupanddownmyback!andoh!howIlovedtodistinguish
myself!IletthembundlemeuptillIwasnearlysmothered.Ipausedwithmymittenedhandonthe
latch.Ishivered,thoughIcouldhavesatthenightoutwithaPolarbearwithoutanothershawl.I
openedthedoor,andthenturnedback,tomakeaspeech.
"Iamnotafraid,"Isaid,inthenobleaccentsofcourage."Iamnotafraidtogo.Godgoeswithme."
Pridegoethbeforeafall.OnthestepoutsideIsliddownintoadrift,justontheeveoftriumph.They
pickedmeuptheybroughtmein.Theyfoundallofmeinsidemywrappings.Theygavemeapiece
ofsugarandsentmetobed.AndIwasveryglad.Ididhatetogoallthewaynextdoorandallthe
wayback,throughthewhitesnow,underthewhitestars,invisiblecompanykeepingstepwithme.
AndIremembermyplaymates.
Therewasalwaysacrowdofusgirls.Wewereamixedset,richlittlegirls,welltodolittlegirls,
andpoorlittlegirls,butnotbecauseweweresodemocratic.Ratheritcameabout,ifmysisterandI
areconsideredthecentreofthering,becausewehadsufferedtheseveralgradesoffortune.Inour
bestdaysnolittlegirlshadtostooptousinourhumblerdayswewerenotsoproudthatwehadto
condescendtoourchanceneighbors.ThegranddaughtersofRaphaeltheRussian,inretainingtheir
breedingandmanners,retainedafewoftheirmoreexaltedfriends,andbecamealinkbetweenthem
andthosewhomtheylateradoptedthroughforceofpropinquity.
Wewerehumanlittlegirls,soouramusementsmimickedthelifeaboutus.Weplayedhouse,we
playedsoldiers,weplayedGentiles,wecelebratedweddingsandfunerals.Wecopiedthelifeaboutus
literally.WehadnotbeentoaFroebelkindergarten,andlearnedtoimpersonatebutterfliesandstones.
Ourelderswouldhavelaughedatusforsuchnonsense.Irememberoncestandingontheriverbank
withalittleboy,whenaquantityoflumberwasfloatingdownonitswaytothedistantsawmill.Alog
andaboardcrowdedeachothernearwherewestood.Theboardslippedbyfirst,butpresentlyit
swervedandswungpartlyaround.Thenitrighteditselfwiththestreamandkeptstraighton,thelazy
logfollowingbehind.SaidZalmentome,interpreting:"Theboardlooksbackandsays,'Log,log,you
willnotgowithme?ThenIwillgoonbymyself.'"Thatboywascalledsimple,onaccountofsuch
speechesasthis.Iwonderinwhatlanguageheiswritingpoetrynow.
Wehadveryfewtoys.NeitherFetchkenorIcaredmuchfordolls.Aragbabyapiececontentedus,
andifwehadasetofjackstoneswewereperfectlyhappy.Ourjackstones,bytheway,werenot
stonesbutbones.Weusedtheknucklebonesofsheep,driedandscrapedeverylittlegirlcherisheda
setinherpocket.
Ididnotcaremuchforplayinghouse.Ilikedsoldiersbetter,butitwasnotmuchfunwithoutboys.
Boysandgirlsalwaysplayedapart.
IwasveryfondofplayingGentiles.IamafraidIlikedeverythingthatwasalittlerisky.Iparticularly
enjoyedbeingthecorpseinaGentilefuneral.Iwaslaidacrosstwochairs,andmyplaymates,in
borrowedshawlsandlongcalicoes,withtheirhairlooseandwithcandlesticksintheirhands,marched
aroundme,singingunearthlysongs,andgroaningtilltheyscaredthemselves.AsIlaythere,covered
overwithablackcloth,Ifeltasdeadasdeadcouldbeandmyplaymatesweretheunholypriestsin
gorgeousrobesofvelvetandsilkandgold.Theircandlestickswerethecrosiersthatwerecarriedin
Christianfuneralprocessionsandtheirchantingswerehideousincantationstothearchenemy,the
ChristianGodofhorribleimages.AsIimaginedthebareheadedcrowdsmakingwayformyfuneralto
pass,myfleshcrept,notbecauseIwasabouttobeburied,butbecausethepeoplecrossedthemselves.
Butourprocessionstoppedoutsidethechurch,becausewedidnotdaretocarryevenourmake
believeacrossthataccursedthreshold.Besides,noneofushadeverbeeninside,Godforbid!so
wedidnotknowwhatdidhappennext.
WhenIarosefrommyfuneralIwasindeedaghost.Ifeltunrealandlostandhateful.Idon'tthinkwe
girlslikedeachothermuchafterplayingfuneral.Anyway,weneverplayedanymoreonthesame
dayorifwedid,wesoonquarrelled.Suchwastheholdwhichourhereditaryterrorsandhatredshad
uponourchildishmindsthatifweonlymockedaChristianprocessioninourplay,wesuffereda
mutualrevulsionoffeeling,asifwehadledeachotherintosin.
Wegatheredofteneratourhousethananywhereelse.OnSabbathdayswerefrained,ofcourse,from
soldieringandthelike,butwehadjustasgoodatime,goingofftopromenade,twoandtwo,inour
verybestdresseswhisperingsecretsandtellingstories.WehadafewstoriesinthecircleIdonot
knowhowtheycametousandtheseweretoldoverandover.Gutkeknewthebeststoryofall.She
toldthestoryofAladdinandtheWonderfulLamp,andshetolditwell.Itwasherstory,andnobody
elseeverattemptedit,thoughI,forone,soonhaditbyheart.Gutke'sversionofthefamoustalewas
unlikeanyIhavesinceread,butitwasessentiallythestoryofAladdin,sothatIwasabletoidentifyit
laterwhenIfounditinabook.Namesincidents,and"localcolor"wereslightlyHebraized,butthe
supernaturalwondersoftreasurecaves,jewelledgardens,genii,princesses,andall,werenotinthe
leastmarredordiminished.Gutkewouldspinthestoryoutforalongafternoon,andwealllistened
entranced,evenatthehundredthrehearsal.Wehadafewotherfairystories,Ilateridentifiedthem
withstoriesofGrimm'sorofAndersen's,butforthemostpartthetaleswetoldweresombreand
unimaginativetalesournursesusedtotelltofrightenusintogoodbehavior.
Sometimeswespentawholeafternoonindancing.Wemadeourownmusic,singingaswedanced,or
somebodyblewonacombwithabitofpaperoveritsteethandcombmusicisnottobedespised
whenthereisnoothersort.Weknewthepolkaandthewaltz,themazurka,thequadrille,andthe
lancers,andseveralfancydances.Wedidnothesitatetoinventnewstepsorfigures,andwenever
stoppedtillwewereoutofbreath.Iwasoneofthemostenthusiasticdancers.IdancedtillIfeltasifI
couldfly.
Sometimeswesatinaringandsangallthesongsweknew.Noneofusweretrained,wehadnever
seenasheetofmusicbutsomeofuscouldsinganytunethatwaseverheardinPolotzk,andthe
othersfollowedhalfabarbehind.Ienjoyedthesesingingbees.WehadHebrewsongsandJewishand
Russiansolemnsongs,andjollysongs,andsongsunfitforchildren,butharmlessenoughonour
innocentlips.IenjoyedtheplayofmoodsinthesesongsIlikedtobeharrowedoneminuteand
tickledthenext.Ithrewallmyheartintothesinging,whichwasonlyfair,asIhadverylittlevoiceto
throwin.
AlthoughIalwaysjoinedthecrowdwhenanyfunwasonfoot,IthinkIhadthebesttimesbymyself.
Mysisterwasfondofhousework,butIIwasfondofidleness.WhileFetchkepotteredinthe
kitchenbesidethemaidortrottedallaboutthehouseaftermygrandmother,Iwastedtimeinsome
windowcorner,orstudiedthehabitsofthecowandthechickensintheyard.Ialwaysfound
somethingtodothatwasofnousetoanybody.IhadnoparticularfondnessforanimalsIlikedtosee
whattheydid,merelybecausetheywerecurious.Theredcowwouldgotomeetmygrandmotheras
shecameoutofthekitchenwithabucketofbranforher.Shedrankitupinnotime,thegreedy
creature,ingreatloudgulpsandthenshestoodwithdrippingnostrilsovertheemptybucket,staring
atmeontheotherside.Iteasedgrandmothertogivethecowmore,becauseIenjoyedherenjoyment
ofit.Iwondered,ifIatefromabucketinsteadofaplate,shouldItakesomuchmorepleasureinmy
dinner?Thatredcowlikedeverything.Shelikedgoingtopasture,andshelikedcomingback,andshe
stoodstilltobemilked,asifshelikedthattoo.
Thechickenswerenotallalike.Someofthemwouldnotletmecatchthem,whileothersstoodstill
tillItookthemup.Thereweretwothatwereparticularlytame,awhitehenandaspeckledone.In
winter,whentheywerekeptinthehouse,mysisterandIhadthesetwoforourpets.Theyletus
handlethembythehour,andstayedjustwhereweputthem.Thewhitehenlaidhereggsinalinen
chestmadeofbark.Wewouldtakethewarmeggtograndmother,whorolleditonoureyes,repeating
thischarm:"Asthiseggisfresh,somayyoureyesbefresh.Asthiseggissound,somayyoureyesbe
sound."Istillliketotouchmyeyelidswithafreshlaidegg,wheneverIamsohappyastopossess
one.
OnthehorsesinthebarnIbestowedthesamecalmattentionasonthecow,speculativeratherthan
affectionate.Iwasnotaverytenderheartedinfant.IfIhavebeenatruewitnessofmyowngrowth,I
wasslowertolovethanIwastothink.Idonotknowwhenthechangewaswrought,buttoday,ifyou
askmyfriends,theywilltellyouthatIknowhowtolovethembetterthantosolvetheirproblems.
Andifyouwillcallonemorewitness,andaskme,Ishallsaythatifyousetmedownbeforeanoble
landscape,IfeelitlongbeforeIbegintoseeit.
IdlechildthoughIwas,thedaywasnotlongenoughsometimesformyidleness.Morethanoncein
thepleasantsummerIstoleoutofbedwheneventhecowwasstilldrowsing,andwentbarefoot
throughthedrippinggrassandstoodatthegate,awaitingthemorning.Ifoundasenseofadventurein
beingconsciouswhenallotherpeoplewereasleep.Therewasnotmuchofaprospectfromthe
gateway,butinthatearlyhoureverythinglookednewandlargetome,eventhelittlehousesthat
yesterdayhadbeensofamiliar.Thehouses,whencreatureswentinandoutofthem,weremerely
conventionalobjectsinthesoftgraymorningtheywerethemselvescreatures.Somestoodup
straight,andsomeleaned,andsomelookedasiftheysawme.Andthenoverthedewygardensrose
thesun,andthelightspreadandgrewovereverything,tillitshoneonmybarefeet.Andinmyheart
grewagreatwonder,andIwasreadytocry,myworldwassostrangeandsweetaboutme.Inthose
moments,Ithink,IcouldhavelovedsomebodyaswellasIlovedlatersomebodywhocaredtoget
upsecretly,andstandandseethesuncomeup.
Wastherenotsomebodywhogotupbeforethesun?WastherenotMishkatheshepherd?Aye,that
wasanearlyriserbutIknewhewasnosunworshipper.Beforethechickensstirred,beforethelazy
maidletthecowoutofthebarn,Iheardhisrousinghorn,itsdistantnotesharmoniouswiththe
morning.BarndoorscreakedinresponsetoMishka'scall,andsofteyedcattlewentwillinglyoutto
meethim,andstoodingroupsintheemptysquare,lickingandnosingeachothertillMishka'slittle
drovewasallassembled,andhetrampedoutoftownbehindthem,inacloudofdust.
CHAPTERVI
THETREEOFKNOWLEDGE
HISTORYshowsthatinallcountrieswhereJewshaveequalrightswiththerestofthepeople,they
losetheirfearofsecularscience,andlearnhowtotaketheirancientreligionwiththemfromcentury
toawakeningcentury,droppingnothingbythewaybutwhattheirgrowingspirithasoutgrown.In
countrieswhereprogressistobeboughtonlyatthepriceofapostasy,theyshutthemselvesupintheir
synagogues,andraisethewallofextremeseparatenessbetweenthemselvesandtheirGentile
neighbors.ThereisneveraJewishcommunitywithoutitsscholars,butwhereJewsmaynotbeboth
intellectualsandJews,theyprefertoremainJews.
ThesurvivalinRussiaofmedivalinjusticetoJewswasresponsibleforthenarrownessof
educationalstandardsinthePolotzkofmytime.Jewishscholarship,aswehaveseen,wasconfinedto
aknowledgeoftheHebrewlanguageandliterature,andeventheselimitedstoresoflearningwerenot
equallydividedbetweenmenandwomen.InthemedivalpositionofthewomenofPolotzk
educationreallyhadnoplace.Agirlwas"finished"whenshecouldreadherprayersinHebrew,
followingthemeaningbytheaidoftheYiddishtranslationespeciallypreparedforwomen.Ifshe
couldsignhernameinRussian,doalittlefiguring,andwritealetterinYiddishtotheparentsofher
betrothed,shewascalledwohlgelehrentwelleducated.
Fortunatelyforme,myparents'idealssoaredbeyondallthis.Mymother,althoughshehadnotstirred
outofPolotzk,readilyadoptedthenotionofaliberaleducationimportedbymyfatherfromcities
beyondthePale.Sheheartilysupportedhiminallhisplansforusgirls.FetchkeandIweretolearnto
translateaswellaspronounceHebrew,thesameasourbrother.WeweretostudyRussianand
Germanandarithmetic.Weweretogotothebestpensionandreceiveathoroughseculareducation.
Myfather'sambition,afterseveralyears'sojourninenlightenedcircles,reachedevenbeyondthe
pensionbutthatwasflyingfartherthanPolotzkcouldfollowhimwiththenakedeye.
Idonotrememberourfirstteacher.Whenoursecondteachercamewewerealreadyabletoread
continuouspassages.Reb'Lebewasnogreatscholar.Greatscholarswouldnotwastetheirlearningon
meregirls.Reb'LebeknewenoughtoteachgirlsHebrew.Tallandleanwastherebbe,withalean,
pointedfaceandathin,pointedbeard.Thebeardbecamepointedfrommuchstrokingandpulling
downwards.ThehandsofReb'Lebewerelarge,andhisbeardwasnothalfahandful.Thefingersof
therebbewerelong,andthenails,Iamafraid,werenotveryclean.ThecoatofReb'Lebewasrusty,
andsowashisskullcap.Remember,Reb'Lebewasonlyagirls'teacher,andnobodywouldpay
muchforteachinggirls.Butleanandrustyashewas,therebbe'spupilsregardedhimwithentire
respect,andfollowedhispointerwithearnesteyesacrossthelimppageofthealphabet,orthe
thumbedpagesoftheprayerbook.
ForashorttimemysisterandIwentforourlessonstoReb'Lebe'sheder,inthebareroomoffthe
women'sgallery,uponeflightofstairs,inasynagogue.Theplacewasasnoisyasareckless
expenditureoflungpowercouldmakeit.thepupilsonthebenchshoutedtheirwayfromalephtotav,
cheeredandpromptedbythegrowloftherebbewhilethechildreninthecorridorwaitingtheirturn
played"pussinthecorner"andothernoisygames.
FetchkeandI,however,soonbegantohaveourlessonsinprivate,atourownhome.Wesatoneon
eachsideoftherebbe,readingtheHebrewsentencesturnandturnabout.
WhenweleftoffreadingbyroteandReb'Lebebegantorevealthemysteriestous,Iwassoeagerto
knowallthatwasinmybookthatthelessonwasalwaystooshort.Icontinuedreadingbythehour,
aftertherebbewasgone,thoughIunderstoodaboutonewordinten.MyfavoriteHebrewreadingwas
thePsalms.VerseafterverseIchantedtothemonotonoustunetaughtbyReb'Lebe,rockingtothe
rhythmofthechant,justliketherebbe.AndsoranthesongofDavid,andsoranthehoursby,whileI
satbythelowwindow,theworlderasedfrommyconsciousness.
WhatIthoughtIdonotrememberIonlyknowthatIlovedthesoundofthewords,thefull,dense,
solidsoundofthem,tothemeditativechantofReb'Lebe.IpronouncedHebrewverywell,andI
caughtsomemechanicaltrickofaccentandemphasis,whichwassufficientlylikeReb'Lebe'sto
makemyreadingsoundintelligent.Ihadacluetothegeneralmoodofthesubjectfromthefew
PsalmsIhadactuallytranslated,anddrawingonmyimaginationfordetails,Iwasabletoreadwithso
muchspiritthatignorantlistenerswerecarriedawaybymyperformance.Mymothertellsme,indeed,
thatpeopleusedtostopoutsidemywindowtohearmeread.OfthisIhavenottheslightest
recollection,soIsupposeIwasanunconsciousimpostor.CertainIamthatIthoughtnoignoble
thoughtsasIchantedthesacredwordsandwhocansaythatmyvisionswerenotasinspiringas
David's?Hewasashepherdbeforehebecameaking.IwasanignorantchildintheGhetto,butIwas
admittedatlasttothesocietyofthebestIwasgiventhefreedomofallAmerica.Perhapsthe"stuff
thatdreamsaremadeof"isthesameforalldreamers.
WhenwecametoreadGenesisIhadthegreatadvantageofacompletetranslationinYiddish.I
faithfullystudiedtheportionassignedinHebrew,butIneednolongerwaitforthenextlessonto
knowhowthestoryends.Icouldreadwhiledaylightlasted,ifIchose,intheYiddish.WellI
rememberthatPentateuch,amiddlingthickoctavovolume,inacrumblysortofleathercoverand
howthebookopenedofitselfatcertainplaces,wheretherewerepictures.Myfathertellsmethat
whenIwasjustlearningtotranslatesinglewords,hefoundmeoneeveningporingoverthehumesh
andmadefunofmeforpretendingtoreadwhereuponIgavehimaneageraccount,hesays,ofthe
storiesofJacob,Benjamin,Moses,andothers,whichIhadpuzzledoutfromthepictures,bythehelp
ofawordhereandtherethatIwasabletotranslate.
Itwasinevitable,aswecametoGenesis,thatIshouldaskquestions.
Rebbe,translating:"InthebeginningGodcreatedtheearth."
Pupil,repeating:"InthebeginningRebbe,whenwasthebeginning?"
Rebbe,losingtheplaceinamazement:"'Sgehertakasse?(Everhearsuchaquestion?)Thebeginning
wasthebeginningthebeginningwasinthebeginning,ofcourse!Nu!nu!Goon."
Pupil,resuming:"InthebeginningGodmadetheearth.Rebbe,whatdidHemakeitoutof?"
Rebbe,droppinghispointerinastonishment:"Whatdid?Whatsortofagirlisthis,thatasks
questions?Goon,goon!"
Thelessoncontinuestotheend.Thebookisclosed,thepointerputaway.Therebbeexchangeshis
skullcapforhisstreetcap,isabouttogo.
Pupil,timidly,butdeterminedly,detaininghim:"Reb'Lebe,whomadeGod?"
Therebberegardsthepupilinamazementmixedwithanxiety.Hisemotionisbeyondspeech.He
turnsandleavestheroom.Inhisperturbationheevenforgetstokissthemezuzah1onthedoorpost.
Thepupilfeelsreprovedandyetsomehowintheright.WhodidmakeGod?Butiftherebbewillnot
tellwillnottell?Or,perhaps,hedoesnotknow?Therebbe?
ItwassometimeafterthisconflictbetweenmycuriosityandhisobtusenessthatIsawmyteacheract
aridiculouspartinatriflingcomedy,andthenIremembernomoreofhim.
Reb'Lebelingeredonedayafterthelesson.Aguestwhowasabouttodepart,wishingtofortify
himselfforhisjourney,tookarollofhardsausagefromhissatchelandlaidit,withhisclaspknife,on
thetable.Hecuthimselfasliceandateitstandingandthen,noticingthethin,leanrebbe,heinvited
him,byagesture,tohelphimselftothesausage.Therebbeputhishandsbehindhiscoattails,
decliningthetraveller'shospitality.Thetravellerforgottheother,andwalkedupanddown,readyin
hisfurcoatandcap,tillhiscarriageshouldarrive.Thesausageremainedonthetable,thickandspicy
andbrown.NosuchsausagewasknowninPolotzk.Reb'Lebelookedatit.Reb'Lebecontinuedto
look.Thestrangerstoppedtocutanotherslice,andrepeatedhisgestureofinvitation.Reb'Lebe
movedasteptowardsthetable,buthishandsstuckbehindhiscoattails.Thetravellerresumedhis
walk.Reb'Lebemovedanotherstep.Thestrangerwasnotlooking.Therebbe'scouragerose,he
advancedtowardsthetablehestretchedouthishandfortheknife.Atthatinstantthedooropened,
thecarriagewasannounced.Theeagertraveller,withoutnoticingReb'Lebe,sweptupsausageand
knife,justatthemomentwhenthetimidrebbewasabouttocuthimselfadeliciousslice.Isawhis
discomfiturefrommycorner,andIamobligedtoconfessthatIenjoyedit.Hisfacealwayslooked
foolishtomeafterthatbut,fortunatelyforusboth,wedidnotstudytogethermuchlonger.
Twolittlegirlsdressedintheirbest,shiningfromtheircurlstotheirshoes.Onelittlegirlhasrosy
cheeks,theotherhasstaringeyes.RosyCheekscarriesacarpetbagBigEyescarriesanewslate.
Handinhandtheygointothesummermorning,sohappyandprettyapairthatitisnowonderpeople
lookafterthem,fromwindowanddoorandthatotherlittlegirls,notdressedintheirbestand
carryingnocarpetbags,standinthestreetgapingafterthem.
Letthefolksstarenoharmcancometothelittlesisters.Didnotgrandmothertiepepperandsaltinto
thecornersoftheirpockets,towardofftheevileye?Thelittlemaidsseenothingbuttheroadahead,
soeageraretheyupontheirerrand.Carpetbagandslateproclaimthaterrand:RosyCheeksandBig
Eyesaregoingtoschool.
IhavenowordstodescribethepridewithwhichmysisterandIcrossedthethresholdofIsaiahthe
Scribe.Hithertowehadbeentoheder,toarebbenowweweretostudywithalehrer,asecular
teacher.Therewasallthedifferenceintheworldbetweenthetwo.TheonetaughtyouHebrewonly,
whicheverygirllearnedtheothercouldteachYiddishandRussianand,somesaid,evenGerman
andhowtowritealetter,andhowtodosumswithoutacountingframe,justonapieceofpaper
accomplishmentswhichwereextremelyrareamonggirlsinPolotzk.Butnothingwastoohighforthe
grandchildrenofRaphaeltheRussiantheyhad"goodheads,"everybodyknew.Soweweresentto
Reb'Isaiah.
Myfirstschool,whereIwassoproudtobereceived,wasahovelontheedgeofaswamp.The
schoolroomwasgraywithinandwithout.ThedoorwassolowthatReb'Isaiahhadtostoopin
passing.Thelittlewindowsweremurky.Thewallswerebare,butthelowceilingwasdecoratedwith
bundlesofgoosequillsstuckinundertherafters.Aroughtablestoodinthemiddleoftheroom,with
alongbenchoneitherside.Thatwastheschoolroomcomplete.Inmyeyes,onthatfirstmorning,it
shonewithawonderfullight,astrangeglorythatpenetratedeverycorner,andmadethestainedlogs
fairastintedmarbleandthewindowswerenottoosmalltoaffordmeaviewofalargenewworld.
Roomwasmadeforthenewpupilsonthebench,besidetheteacher.Wefoundourinkwells,which
weresimplyhollowsscoopedoutinthethicktabletop.Reb'Isaiahmadeusveryserviceablepensby
tyingthepenpointssecurelytolittletwigsthoughsomeofthepupilsusedquills.Theteacheralso
ruledourpaperforus,intolittlesquares,likeasurveyor'snotebook.Thenhesetusacopy,andwe
copied,oneletterineachsquare,allthewaydownthepage.Allthelittlegirlsandthemiddlesized
girlsandtheprettybiggirlscopiedlettersinlittlesquares,justso.ThereweresofewofusthatReb'
Isaiahcouldseeeverybody'spagebyjustleaningover.Andifsomeofourcrampedfingerswere
clumsy,anddidnotformtheloopsandcurvesaccurately,allhehadtodowastostretchouthishand
andrapwithhisruleronourrespectiveknuckles.Itwasallverycosey,withtheinkwellsthatcould
notbeupset,andthepensthatgrewinthewoodsorstruttedinthedooryard,andtheteacherinthe
closesttouchwithhispupils,asIhavejusttold.Andashelaboredwithus,andthehoursdrew
themselvesout,hewascomfortedbythesmellofhisdinnercookinginsomelittleholeadjoiningthe
schoolroom,andbythesoundofhisgoodLeahorRachelorDeborah(Idon'trememberhername)
keepingorderamonghislittleones.Shekeptverygoodorder,too,sothatmostofthetimeyoucould
hearthescratchingofthelaboriouspensaccompaniedbythecroakingofthefrogsintheswamp.
AlthoughmysisterandIbeganourstudiesatthesametime,andprogressedtogether,myparentsdid
notwantmetotakeupnewsubjectsasfastasFetchkedid.Theythoughtmyhealthtoodelicatefor
muchstudy.SowhenFetchkehadherRussianlessonIwastoldtogoandplay.Iamsorrytosaythat
Iwasdisobedientontheseoccasions,asonmanyothers.IdidnotgoandplayIlookedon.Ilistened,
whenFetchkerehearsedherlessonathome.AndoneeveningIstoletheRussianprimerandrepaired
toasecretplaceIknewof.Itwasastoreroomforbrokenchairsandrustyutensilsanddriedapples.
Nobodywouldlookformeinthatdustyhole.Nobodydidlookthere,buttheylookedeverywhere
else,inthehouse,andintheyard,andinthebarn,anddownthestreet,andatourneighbors'and
whileeverybodywassearchingandcallingforme,andtellingeachotherwhenIwaslastseen,and
whatIwasthendoing,I,Mashke,wasbendingoverthestolenbook,rehearsingA,B,C,bythenames
mysisterhadgiventhemandbeforeanybodyhituponmyretreat,IcouldspellBOG,Bog(God)
andKAZA,Kaza(goat).Ididnotmindintheleastbeingcaught,forIhadmynewaccomplishment
toshowoff.
Irememberthelitteredplace,andthehighchestthatservedasmytable,andtheblueglasslampthat
lightedmysecretefforts.Irememberbeingbroughtfromthereintothefirelitroomwherethefamily
wasassembled,andconfusingthemallbymyrecitalofthesimplewords,BOG,Bog,andKAZA,
Kaza.Iwasnotreproachedforgoingintohidingatbedtime,andthenextdayIwasallowedtotake
partintheRussianlesson.
Alas!therewerenotmanylessonsmore.LongbeforewehadexhaustedReb'Isaiah'slearning,my
sisterandIhadtogiveupourteacher,becausethefamilyfortunesbegantodecline,andluxuries,
suchasschooling,hadtobecutoff.IsaiahtheScribetaughtus,inall,perhapstwoterms,inwhich
timewelearnedYiddishandRussian,andalittlearithmetic.Butlittlegoodwehadfromourabilityto
read,fortherewerenobooksinourhouseexceptprayerbooksandotherreligiouswritings,mostlyin
Hebrew.Forourskillinwritingwehadaslittleuse,asletterwritingwasnotaneverydayexercise,
andidlewritingwasnotthoughtof.Ourgoodteacher,however,whohadtakenprideinourprogress,
wouldnotletusloseallthatwehadlearnedfromhim.Bookshecouldnotlendus,becausehehad
nonehimselfbuthecould,andhedid,writeusoutabeautiful"copy"apiece,whichwecouldrepeat
overandover,fromtimetotime,andsokeepourhandsin.
IwonderthatIhaveforgottenthegracefulsentencesofmy"copy"forIwrotethemoutjustabout
countlesstimes.Itwasintheformofaletter,writtenonlovelypinkpaper(mysister'swasblue),the
linestakingtheshapeofsemicirclesacrossthepageandthatwithoutanyguidelinesshowing.The
script,ofcourse,wasperfectinthebestmannerofIsaiahtheScribeandthesentimentstherein
expressedwereentirelynoble.IwassupposedtobeahighschoolpupilawayonmyvacationandI
waswritingtomy"RespectedParents,"toassurethemofmywelfare,andtotellthemhow,inthe
midstofmypleasures,Istilllongedformyfriends,andlookedforwardwitheagernesstotherenewal
ofmystudies.Allthis,inphraseshalfYiddish,halfGerman,andaltogetherforeigntotheearsof
Polotzk.Atleast,Ineverheardsuchtalkinthemarket,whenIwenttobuyakopeck'sworthof
sunflowerseeds.
ThiswasalltheschoolingIhadinRussia.Myfather'splansfelltotheground,onaccountofthe
protractedillnessofbothmyparents.Allhishopesofleadinghischildrenbeyondtheintellectual
limitsofPolotzkweretrampleddownbythemonsterpovertywhoshowedhisevilvisagejustasmy
sisterandIwerefairlystartedonabroaderpath.
Onechancewehad,andthatwasquicklysnatchedaway,ofcontinuingoureducationinspiteof
familydifficulties.LozhetheRav,hearingfromvarioussourcesthatPinchus,soninlawofRaphael
theRussian,hadtwobrightlittlegirls,whosetalentsweregoingtowasteforwantoftraining,became
muchinterested,andsentforthechildren,toseeforhimselfwhatthegossipwasworth.Byastrange
trickofmemoryIrecallnothingofthisimportantinterview,norindeedofthewholematter,although
athousandtriflesofthatperiodrecurtomeontheinstantsoIreportthisanecdoteontheauthorityof
myparents.
Theytellmehowtheravliftedmeuponatableinfrontofhim,andaskedmemanyquestions,and
encouragedmetoaskquestionsinmyturn.Reb'Lozhecametotheconclusion,asaresultofthis
interview,thatIoughtbyallmeanstobeputtoschool.Therewasnopublicschoolforgirls,aswe
know,butafewpupilsweremaintainedinacertainprivateschoolbyirregularcontributionsfromcity
funds.Reb'Lozheenlistedinmycausetheinfluenceofhisson,who,byvirtueofsomemunicipal
officewhichheheld,hadavoteinfixingthisappropriation.Butalthoughhepleadedeloquentlyfor
myadmissionasacitypupil,therav'ssonfailedtowintheconsentofhiscolleagues,andmyone
littlecrackofopportunitywastightlystopped.
Myfatherdoesnotrememberonwhattechnicalitymyapplicationwasdismissed.Mymotherisunder
theimpressionthatitwasplainlyrefusedonaccountofmyreligion,theauthoritiesbeingunwillingto
appropriatemoneyforthetuitionofaJewishchild.Butlittleitmattersnowwhatthereasonwasthe
resultiswhataffectedme.Iwasleftwithoutteacherorbookjustwhenmymindwasmostactive.I
wasleftwithoutfoodjustwhenthehungerofgrowthwascreepingup.Iwaslefttothinkandthink,
withoutdirectionwithoutthemeansofgrapplingwiththecontentsofmyownthought.
Inacommunitywhichwasisolatedfromthemassofthepeopleonaccountofitsreligionwhichwas
governedbyspecialcivillawsinrecognitionofthatfactinwhosecalendarthereweretwoscoredays
ofreligiousobservancewhosegoingandcoming,givingandtaking,livinganddying,totheminutest
detailsofsocialconduct,tothemostintimateparticularsofprivatelife,wereregulatedbysacred
laws,therecouldbenoquestionofpersonalconvictionsinreligion.OnewasaJew,leadinga
righteouslifeoronewasaGentile,existingtoharasstheJews,whilemakingalivingoffJewish
enterprise.InthevocabularyofthemoreintelligentpartofPolotzk,itistrue,thereweresuchwords
asfreethinkerandapostatebutthesewerethenamesofmenwhohadforsakentheLawindistant
timesorindistantparts,andwhoseevilfamehadreachedPolotzkbythecircuitousrouteoftradition.
Nobodylookedforsuchmonstersinhisneighborhood.PolotzkwassafelydividedintoJewsand
Gentiles.
IfanyoneinPolotzkhadbeenidleandcuriousenoughtoinquireintothestateofmindofalittle
child,Iwonderifhisfindingswouldnothavedisturbedthissimpleclassification.
ThereusedtobealittlegirlinPolotzkwhorecitedthelongHebrewprayers,morningandevening,
beforeandaftermeals,andneverskippedawordwhokissedthemezuzahwhengoingorcoming
whoabstainedfromfoodanddrinkonfastdayswhenshewasnobiggerthanasacrificialhenwho
spentSabbathmorningsoverthelengthyritualfortheday,andreadthePsalmstilldaylightfailed.
ThispiouschildcouldgiveasgoodanaccountoftheCreationasanyboyofherage.Sheknewhow
Godmadetheworld.UndeterredbythefateofEve,shewantedtoknowmore.Sheaskedherwise
rebbehowGodcametobeinHisplace,andwhereHefoundthestufftomaketheworldof,andwhat
wasdoingintheuniversebeforeGodundertookHistask.Findingfromhisunsatisfyingrepliesthat
therebbewasbutabarrenbranchonthetreeofknowledge,thegoodlittlegirlneverbetrayedtothe
world,bylookorword,herdiscoveryofhislimitations,butcontinuedtoaccordhim,outwardly,all
thecourtesyduetohiscalling.
Herteacherhavingfailedher,theyoungstudent,withadmirablepersistence,carriedherquestions
fromonetoanotherofheracquaintances,puttingtheiranswerstothetestwheneveritwaspossible.
Sheestablishedbythismeanstwofacts:first,thatsheknewasmuchasanyofthosewhoundertookto
instructhersecond,thatheroraclessometimesgavefalseanswers.Didthelittleinquisitorchargeher
betrayerswiththelie?Magnanimouscreature,shekepttheirfalsenessasecret,andceasedtoprobe
theirshallowdepths.
Whatyouwouldknow,findoutforyourself:thisbecameourstudent'smottoandshepassedfromthe
questiontotheexperiment.Hergrandmothertoldherthatifshehandled"blindflowers"shewouldbe
strickenblind.Shefoundbytestthattheprettyflowerswereharmless.Shetestedeverythingthat
couldbetested,tillshehitatlastonanimpiousplantoputGodHimselftotheproof.
ThepiouslittlegirlaroseoneSabbathafternoonfromherreligiousmeditations,whenallthehouse
wastakingitsafterdinnernap,andwentoutintheyard,andstoppedatthegate.Shetookouther
pockethandkerchief.Shelookedatit.Yes,thatwoulddofortheexperiment.Sheputitbackintoher
pocket.Shedidnothavetorehearsementallythesacredadmonitionnottocarryanythingbeyondthe
houselimitsontheSabbathday.Sheknewitassheknewthatshewasalive.Andwithher
handkerchiefinherpockettheaudaciouschildsteppedintothestreet!
Shestoodamoment,herheartbeatingsothatitpained.Nothinghappened!Shewalkedquiteacross
thestreet.TheSabbathpeacestilllayoneverything.Shefeltagainoftheburdeninherpocket.Yes,
shecertainlywascommittingasin.Withanaccessofimpiousboldness,thesinnerwalkedsheran
asfarasthecorner,andstoodstill,fearfullyexpectant.Whatformwouldthepunishmenttake?She
stoodbreathingpainfullyforaneternity.Howstilleverythingwashowcloseandstilltheair!Would
itbeastorm?Wouldasuddenboltstrikeher?Shestoodandwaited.Shecouldnotbringherhandto
herpocketagain,butshefeltthatitbulgedmonstrously.Shestoodwithnothoughtofmovingagain.
WherewerethethundersofJehovah?Nosacredwordofallherlongprayerscametohertonguenot
even"Hear,OIsrael."ShefeltthatshewasindirectcommunicationwithGodawfulthought!and
HewouldreadhermindandwouldsendHisanswer.
SABBATHLOAVESFORSALE(BREADMARKET,POLOTZK)
Anagepassedinblankexpectancy.Nothinghappened!WherewasthewrathofGod?Wherewas
God?
Whensheturnedtogohome,thelittlephilosopherhadherhandkerchieftiedaroundherwristinthe
properway.Theexperimentwasover,thoughtheresultwasnotclear.Godhadnotpunishedher,but
nothingwasprovedbyHisindifference.Eithertheactwasnosin,andherpreceptorswereall
deceiversoritwasindeedasinintheeyesofGod,butHerefrainedfromsternjusticeforhigh
reasonsofHisown.Itwasnotasearchingexperimentshehadmade.Shewasbitterlydisappointed,
andperhapsthatwasmeantasherpunishment:Godrefusedtogiveherareply.Sheintendednosin
forthesakeofsinso,beingstillindoubt,shetiedherhandkerchiefaroundherwrist.Hereyesstared
morethanever,thiswasthechildwiththestaringeyes,butthatwastheonlysignshegaveofa
consciousnesssuddenlyexpanded,ofaselfconsciousnessintensified.
Whenshewentbackintothehouse,shegazedwithanewcuriosityathermother,athergrandmother,
dozingintheirchairs.Theylookeddifferent.Whentheyawokeandstretchedthemselvesandadjusted
wigandcap,theylookedverystrange.AsshewenttogethergrandmotherherBible,anddroppedit
accidentally,shekisseditbywayofatonementjustasaproperchildshould.
How,Iwonder,wouldthisPsalmsingingchildhavebeenlabelledbytheinvestigatorofhermind?
WouldhehavecalledheraJew?Shewastooyoungtobecalledanapostate.Perhapsshewouldhave
beendismissedasalittlefraudandIshouldbecontentwiththatclassification,ifslightlymodified.I
shouldsaythechildwasapiteouslypuzzledlittlefraud.
Toreturntothehonestfirstperson,Iwassomethingofafraud.ThedayswhenIbelievedeverythingI
wastolddidnotrunmuchbeyondmyteethingtime.Isoonbegantoquestioniffirewasreallyhot,if
thecatwouldreallyscratch.Presently,aswehaveseen,IquestionedGod.Andinthosedaysmy
religiondependedonmymood.IcouldbelieveanythingIwantedtobelieve.Ididbelieve,inallmy
moods,thattherewasaGodwhohadmadetheworld,insomefashionunexplained,andwhoknew
aboutmeandmydoingsfortherewastheworldallaboutme,andsomebodymusthavemadeit.And
itwasconceivablethatabeingpowerfulenoughtodosuchworkcouldbeawareofmyactionsatall
times,andyetcontinuetomeinvisible.Thequestionremained,whatdidHethinkofmyconduct?
WasHereallyangrywhenIbroketheSabbath,orpleasedwhenIfastedontheDayofAtonement?
Mybeliefastothesematterswavered.WhenIswungthesacrificearoundmyheadonAtonement
Eve,repeating,"Bethoumysacrifice,"etc.,IcertainlybelievedthatIwasbargainingwiththe
Almightyforpardon,andthatHewasinterestedinthematter.Butnextday,whenthefastwasover,
andIenjoyedallofmychickenthatIcouldeat,IbelievedascertainlythatGodcouldnotbepartyto
suchafoolishtransaction,inwhichHegotnothingbutwords,whileIgotboththefeastandthe
pardon.Thesacrificeofmoney,tobespentforthepoor,seemedtomeamorereliableinsurance
againstdamnation.Thewelltodopiousofferedupbothlivingsacrificeandmoneyforthepoorbox,
butitwasasignofpovertytoofferonlymoney.Evenaleanrooster,tobekilled,roasted,and
garnishedforthedevotee'sowntableatthebreakingofthefast,seemedtobeconsideredamore
respectablesacrificethanagroschentoincreasethecharityfund.Allthiswassoillogicalthatit
unsettledmyfaithinminorpointsofdoctrine,andonthesepointsIwasquitehappytobelievetoday
onething,tomorrowanother.
AsunwaveringlyasIbelievedthatweJewshadaGodwhowaspowerfulandwise,Ibelievedthatthe
GodofmyChristianneighborswasimpotent,cruel,andfoolish.Iunderstoodthatthegodofthe
Gentileswasnobetterthanatoy,tobedressedupingaudystuffsandcarriedinprocessions.Isawit
oftenenough,andturnedawayincontempt.WhiletheGodofAbraham,Isaac,andJacobmyGod
enjoinedonmehonestyandkindness,thegodofVankabadehimbeatmeandspitonmewhenever
hecaughtmealone.AndwhatafoolishgodwasthatwhotaughtthestupidGentilesthatwedrankthe
bloodofamurderedchildatourPassoverfeast!Why,I,whowasonlyachild,knewbetter.AndsoI
hatedandfearedandavoidedthegreatwhitechurchinthePlatz,andhatedeverysignandsymbolof
thatmonstrousgodwhowaskeptthere,andhatedmyownperson,when,inourplayofaChristian
funeral,Iimaginedmybodytobethecorpse,overwhichwascarriedthehideouscross.
PerhapsIhaveestablishedthatIwasmoreJewthanGentile,thoughIcanstillprovethatIwasnone
thelessafraud.Forinstance,Irememberhowonce,ontheeveoftheNinthofAbtheanniversary
ofthefalloftheTempleIwaslookingonatthelamentationsofthewomen.Alargecirclehad
gatheredaroundmymother,whowastheonlygoodreaderamongthem,tolistentothestoryofthe
crueldestruction.Sittingonhumblestools,instockingfeet,shabbyclothes,anddishevelledhair,
weepinginchorus,andwringingtheirhands,asifitwasbutyesterdaythatthesacrededificefelland
theywereintheverydustandashesoftheruin,thewomenlookedtomeenviouslywretchedand
pious.Ijoinedthecircleinthecandlelight.Iwrungmyhands,ImoanedbutIwasalwaysslowof
tearsIcouldnotweep.ButIwantedtolookliketheothers.SoIstreakedmycheekswiththeonly
moistureathand.
Alasformypiousambition!alasforthenoblelamentofthewomen!Somebodylookedupandcaught
meintheactofmanufacturingtears.Igrinned,andshegiggled.Anotherwomanlookedup.Igrinned,
andtheygiggled.Demoralizationsweptaroundthecircle.Honestlaughtersnuffedoutartificialgrief.
Mymotheratlastlookedup,withredandastonishedeyes,andIwasbanishedfromthefeastoftears.
Ireturnedpromptlytomyplaymatesinthestreet,whowereamusingthemselves,accordingtothe
customonthatsadanniversary,bypeltingeachotherwithburrs.HereIwasdistinguished,morethan
Ihadbeenamongmyelders.Myhairbeingcurly,itcaughtagenerousnumberofburrs,sothatI
fairlybristledwiththeseemblemsofmortificationandwoe.
NotlongafterthatsinfulexperimentwiththehandkerchiefIdiscoveredbyaccidentthatIwasnotthe
onlydoubterinPolotzk.OneFridaynightIlaywakefulinmylittlebed,staringfromthedarkintothe
lightedroomadjoiningmine.IsawtheSabbathcandlessputterandgoout,onebyone,itwaslate,
butthelamphangingfromtheceilingstillburnedhigh.Everybodyhadgonetobed.Thelampwould
gooutbeforemorningiftherewaslittleoilorelseitwouldburntillNatasha,theGentile
chorewoman,cameinthemorningtoputitout,andremovethecandlesticksfromthetable,and
unsealtheoven,anddothedozenlittletaskswhichnoJewcouldperformontheSabbath.Thesimple
prohibitiontolaborontheSabbathdayhadbeenconstruedbyzealouscommentatorstomeanmuch
more.Onemustnoteventouchanyinstrumentoflabororcommerce,asanaxeoracoin.Itwas
forbiddentolightafire,ortotouchanythingthatcontainedafire,orhadcontainedfire,wereitonlya
coldcandlestickoraburnedmatch.ThereforethelampatwhichIwasstaringmustburntillthe
Gentilewomancametoputitout.
ThelightdidnotannoymeintheleastIwasnotthinkingaboutit.Butapparentlyittroubled
somebodyelse.Isawmyfathercomefromhisroom,whichalsoadjoinedthelivingroom.Whatwas
hegoingtodo?Whatwasthishewasdoing?CouldIbelievemyeyes?Myfathertouchedthelighted
lamp!yes,heshookit,asiftoseehowmuchoiltherewasleft.
Iwaspetrifiedinmyplace.Icouldneithermovenormakeasound.Itseemedtomehemustfeelmy
eyesbulgingathimoutofthedark.ButhedidnotknowthatIwaslookinghethoughteverybody
wasasleep.Heturneddownthelightaverylittle,andwaited.Ididnottakemyeyesfromhim.He
loweredtheflamealittlemore,andwaitedagain.Iwatched.Bytheslightestdegreesheturnedthe
lightdown.Iunderstood.Incaseanyonewereawake,itwouldappearasifthelampwasgoingoutof
itself.Iwastheonlyonewholaysoastobeabletoseehim,andIhadgonetobedsoearlythathe
couldnotsupposeIwasawake.Thelightannoyedhim,hewantedtoputitout,buthewouldnotrisk
havingitknown.
IheardmyfatherfindhisbedinthedarkbeforeIdaredtodrawafullbreath.Thethinghehaddone
wasamonstroussin.Ifhismotherhadseenhimdoit,itwouldhavebrokenherhearthismother
whofastedhalfthedaysoftheyear,whenhewasaboy,tosavehisteacher'sfeehismotherwho
walkedalmostbarefootinthecruelsnowtocarryhimonhershoulderstoschoolwhenshehadno
shoesforhimhismotherwhomadeitherpiouspridetoraiseupalearnedson,thatmostprecious
offeringintheeyesofthegreatGod,fromthehandofapoorstrugglingwoman.Ifmymotherhad
seenit,itwouldhavegrievedhernolessmymotherwhowasgiventohim,withheryouthandgood
nameandherdowry,inexchangeforhislearningandpietymymotherwhowastakenfromherplay
tobearhimchildrenandfeedthemandkeepthem,whilehesatonthebenchesofthescholarsand
repaidherlaborswiththefameofhislearning.Ididnotputittomyselfjustso,butIunderstoodthat
learningandpietywerethethingsmostvaluedinourfamily,thatmyfatherwasascholar,andthat
piety,ofcourse,wasthefruitofsacredlearning.Andyetmyfatherhaddeliberatelyviolatedthe
Sabbath.
Hisactwasnottobecomparedwithmycarryingthehandkerchief.Thetwosinswereofthesame
kind,butthesinnersandtheirmotivesweredifferent.Iwasachild,agirlatthat,notyetoftheageof
moralresponsibility.Hewasamanfullgrown,passingforoneofGod'select,andacceptingthe
reverenceoftheworldasduetributetohisscholarlymerits.Ihadbynomeanssatisfiedmyself,by
mysecretexperiment,thatitwasnotsinfultocarryaburdenontheSabbathday.IfGoddidnot
punishmeonthespot,perhapsitwasbecauseofmyyouthorperhapsitwasbecauseofmymotive.
Accordingtomyelders,myfather,byturningoutthelamp,committedthesinofSabbathbreaking.
Whatdidmyfatherintend?Icouldnotsupposethathispurposewassimilartomine.Surelyhe,who
hadlivedsolongandstudiedsodeeply,hadbythistimeresolvedallhisdoubts.SurelyGodhad
instructedhim.Icouldnotbelievethathedidwrongknowingly,soIcametotheconclusionthathe
didnotholditasintotouchalightedlamponSabbath.Thenwhywashesosecretinhisaction?
That,too,becamecleartome.Imyselfhadinstinctivelyadoptedsecretmethodsinallmylittle
investigations,andhadkepttheresultstomyself.Thewayinwhichmyquestionswerereceivedhad
taughtmemuch.Ihadadim,inarticulateunderstandingofthehorrorandindignationwhichmyfather
wouldexciteifhe,supposedlyamanofpiety,shouldpublishthehereticalopinionthatitwasnot
wrongtohandlefireontheSabbath.Toseewhatremorsemymothersuffered,ormyfather'smother,
ifbysomeaccidentshefailedinanypointofreligiousobservance,wastoknowthatshecouldnever
bebroughttodoubtthesacredimportanceofthethousandminutiofancientJewishpractice.That
whichhadbeentaughtthemasthetruthbytheirfathersandmotherswasthewholetruthtomygood
friendsandneighborsthatandnothingelse.IftherewereanypeopleinPolotzkwhohadstrange
privateopinions,suchasIconcludedmyfathermusthold,itwaspossiblethathehadasecret
acquaintancewiththem.Butitwouldneverdo,itwasplaintome,tomakepublicconfessionofhis
convictions.Suchanactwouldnotonlybreaktheheartsofhisfamily,butitwouldalsotakethebread
fromthemouthsofhischildren,andruinthemforever.MysisterandmybrotherandIwouldcometo
becalledthechildrenofIsraeltheApostate,justasGutke,myplaymate,wascalledthegranddaughter
ofYankeltheInformer.Themostinnocentofuswouldbecursedandshunnedforthesinofour
father.
AllthisIcametounderstand,notallatonce,butbydegrees,asIputthisandthattogether,and
broughtmychildishthoughtstoorder.Iwasbynomeansabsorbedinthisproblem.Iplayedand
dancedwiththeotherchildrenasheartilyasever,butIbroodedinmywindowcornerwhentherewas
nothingelsetodo.Ihadnottheslightestimpulsetogotomyfather,chargehimwithhisunorthodox
conduct,anddemandanexplanationofhim.IwasquitesatisfiedthatIunderstoodhim,andIhadnot
thehabitofconfidences.IwasstillinthedayswhenIwascontenttofindoutthings,anddidnotlong
tocommunicatemydiscoveries.Moreover,Iwasusedtolivingintwoworlds,arealworldanda
makebelieveone,withouteverknowingwhichwaswhich.InoneworldIhadmuchcompany
fatherandmotherandsisterandfriendsanddidasothersdid,andtookeverythingforgranted.In
theotherworldIwasallalone,andIhadtodiscoverwaysformyselfandIwassouncertainthatI
didnotattempttobringacompanionalong.AnddidIfindmyownfathertreadingintheunknown
ways?Thenperhapssomedayhewouldcomeacrossme,andtakemefartherthanIhadyetbeenbut
IwouldnotbethefirsttowhisperthatIwasthere.ItseemsstrangeenoughtomenowthatIshould
havebeensouncommunicativebutIremindmyselfthatIhavebeenthoroughlymadeover,atleast
once,sincethoseearlydays.
IrecallwithsorrowthatIwassometimesasweakinmoralsasIwasinreligion.Irememberstealinga
pieceofsugar.ItwasalongtimeagoalmostaslongagoasanythingIremember.Wewerestill
livinginmygrandfather'shousewhenthisdreadfulthinghappened,andIwasonlyfourorfiveyears
oldwhenwemovedfromthere.BeforemymotherfiguredthisoutformeIscarcelyhadthecourage
toconfessmysin.
Anditwasthus:Inacornerofafrontroom,byawindow,stoodahighchestofdrawers.Ontopof
thecheststoodatinbox,decoratedwithfiguresofqueerpeoplewithqueerflatparasolsaChinese
teabox,inaword.Theboxhadalid.Thelidwasshuttight.ButIknewwhatwasinthatgorgeous
box,andIcovetedit.IwasverylittleInevercouldreachanything.Therestoodachairsuggestively
nearthechest.Ipushedthechairalittleandmountedit.BystandingontiptoeIcouldnowreachthe
box.Iopeneditandtookoutanirregularlumpofsparklingsugar.Istoodonthechairadmiringit.I
stoodtoolong.MygrandmothercameinorwasitItke,thehousemaid?andfoundmewiththe
stolenmorsel.
IsawthatIwasfairlycaught.HowcouldIhopetoescapemycaptor,whenIwasobligedtoturnon
mystomachinordertodescendsafely,thuspresentingmyjailerwiththemosttemptingopportunity
forimmediatechastisement?Itookinthesituationbeforemygrandmotherhadfoundhervoicefor
horror.DidIrubmyeyeswithmyknucklesandwhimper?IwishIcouldreportthatIwasthus
instantlystruckwithasenseofmyguilt.Iwasimpressedonlywiththeabsolutecertaintyofmy
impendingdoom,andIpromptlyseizedonameasureofcompensation.WhilemycaptorIreally
thinkitwasagrandmotherrehearsedherentirevocabularyofreproach,fromadistancesufficientto
enablehertohurlhervoiceatmewiththebesteffect,Istuffedthelumpofsugarintomymouthand
muncheditasfastasIcould.AndIhadeatenitall,andhadlickedmystickylips,beforetheavenging
rodcamedown.
Iremembernosimilarlapsesfromrighteousness,butIsinnedinlesserwaysmoretimesthanthereare
yearsinmylife.Isinned,andmorethanonceIescapedpunishmentbysometrickorslyspeech.Ido
notmeanthatIliedoutright,thoughthatalsoIdid,sometimesbutIwouldtwistmynaughtyspeech,
ifforcedtorepeatit,insuchanartfulmanner,orgivesuchludicrousexplanationofmynaughtyact,
thatjusticewasovercomebylaughterandthrewme,asoftenasnot,ahandfulofraisinsinsteadofa
knottedstrap.IfbysuchsuccessesIwasencouragedtocultivatemynaturalslynessandduplicity,I
throwblameonmyunwisepreceptors,andamgladtoberidoftheburdenforonce.
IhavesaidthatIusedtolie.Irecallnoparticularoccasionwhenaliewasthecauseofmydisgrace
butIknowthatitwasalwaysmyhabit,whenIhadsometriflingadventuretoreport,togarnishitup
withsomuchdetailandcircumstancethatnobodywhohadwitnessedmysmallaffaircouldhave
recognizeditasthesame,hadInotinsistedonmyversionwithsuchfervidconviction.Thetruthis
thateverythingthathappenedtomereallyloomedgreatandshonesplendidinmyeyes,andIcould
not,exceptbyconsciouseffort,reducemyvisionstotheiractualshapesandcolors.IfIsawapairof
geeseleadingaboutalazygoosegirl,theywentthroughallsortsofanticsbeforemyeyesthatfat
geesearenotknowntoindulgein.IfImetpoorBlindMunyewithafrownonhisface,Ithoughtthat
acloudofwrathoverspreadhiscountenanceandIranhometorelate,panting,hownarrowlyIhad
escapedhisfury.IwillnotpretendthatIwasabsolutelyunconsciousofmyexaggerationsbutifyou
insist,IwillsaythatthingsasIreportedthemmighthavebeenso,andwouldhavebeenmuchmore
interestinghadtheybeenso.
Thenoblereaderwhonevertoldalie,orneverconfessedone,willbeshockedattheserevelationsof
mychildishdepravity.Whatproofhashe,hewillcry,thatIamnotlyingoneverypageofthis
chronicle,if,bymyownconfession,mychildhoodwasspentinamazeofliesanddreams?Ishallsay
tothesaint,whenIamchallenged,thattheproofofmyconversiontoveracityisengraveninhisown
soul.Doyounotremember,youspotlessone,howyouusedtostealandlieandcheatandrob?Oh,
notwithyourownhand,ofcourse!Itwasyourremoteancestorwholivedbyplunder,andwas
honoredfortheblooduponhishairyhands.Byandbyhediscoveredthatcunningwasmoreeffective
thanviolence,andlesstroublesome.Stilllaterhebecameconvincedthatthegreatestcunningwas
virtue,andmadehimamoralcode,andsubduedtheworld.Then,whenyoucamealong,stumbling
throughthewildernessofcastofferrors,yourwiseancestorgaveyouathrustthatlandedyouinthe
clearingofmodernity,atthesametimebellowinginyourear,"Nowbegood!Itpays!"
Thisisthewholehistoryofyoursaintliness.Butallpeopledonottakeuplifeatthesamepointof
humandevelopment.Somearebackwardatbirth,andhavetomakeup,inthebriefspaceoftheir
individualhistory,thestagestheymissedontheirwayoutoftheblackpast.Withme,forexample,it
actuallycomestothis:thatIhavetorecapitulateinmyownexperiencealltheslowstepsofthe
progressoftherace.Iseemtolearnnothingexceptbytheprickoflifeonmyownskin.Iamsaved
fromlivinginignoranceanddyingindarknessonlybythesensitivenessofmyskin.Somemenlearn
throughborrowedexperience.Shutthemupinaglasstower,withanunobstructedviewoftheworld,
andtheywillgothrougheveryadventureoflifebyproxy,andbeabletofurnishyouwithacomplete
philosophyoflifeandyoumaysafelybringupyourchildrenbyit.ButIamnotofthatgodlike
organization.Iamathinkinganimal.Thingsareasimportanttomeasideas.Iimbibewisdomthrough
everyporeofmybody.Therearetimes,indeed,whenthedoctorinhisstudyislessintelligibletome
thanacricketfaroffinthefield.Theearthwasmymother,theearthismyteacher.Iamadutiful
pupil:Ilisteneverwithmyearclosetoherlips.ItseemstomeIdonotknowasinglethingthatIdid
notlearn,moreorlessdirectly,throughthecorporalsenses.AslongasIhavemybody,Ineednot
despairofsalvation.
CHAPTERVII
THEBOUNDARIESSTRETCH
THElongchapteroftroubleswhichledtomyfather'semigrationtoAmericabeganwithhisown
illness.ThedoctorssenthimtoCourlandtoconsultexpensivespecialists,whoprescribedtedious
coursesoftreatment.Hewasfarfromcuredwhenmymotheralsofellill,andmyfatherhadtoreturn
toPolotzktolookafterthebusiness.
Troublebegetstrouble.Aftermymothertooktoherbedeverythingcontinuedtogowrong.The
businessgraduallydeclined,astoomuchmoneywaswithdrawntopaythedoctors'andapothecaries'
billsandmyfather,himselfinpoorhealth,andworriedaboutmymother,wasnotsuccessfulin
copingwiththegrowingdifficulties.Athome,theservantsweredismissed,forthesakeofeconomy,
andallthehouseworkandthenursingfellonmygrandmotherandmysister.Fetchke,asaresult,was
overworked,andfellillofafever.Thebaby,sufferingfromunavoidableneglect,developedthe
fractioustemperofsemiillness.Andbywayofaclimax,theoldcowtookitintoherheadtokickmy
grandmother,whowaslaidupforaweekwithabruisedleg.
Neighborsandcousinspulledusthroughtillgrandmagotup,andafterher,Fetchke.Butmymother
remainedonherbed.Weeks,months,ayearshelaythere,andhalfofanotheryear.Allthedoctorsin
Polotzkattendedherinturn,andonedoctorcameallthewayfromVitebsk.Everycountry
practitionerformilesaroundwasconsulted,everyquack,everyoldwifewhoknewacharm.The
apothecariesransackedtheirshopsfordrugsthenamesofwhichtheyhadforgotten,andkind
neighborsbroughtintheirfavoriteremedies.Thereweremidnightprayersinthesynagogueformy
mother,andpetitionsatthegravesofherparentsandoneawfulnightwhenshewasneardeath,three
piousmotherswhohadneverlostachildcametomymother'sbedsideandboughther,forafew
kopecks,fortheirown,sothatshemightgaintheprotectionoftheirluck,andsobesaved.
Stillmypoormotherlayonherbed,sufferingandwasting.Thehouseassumedalookofdesolation.
Everybodywentontiptoewetalkedinwhispersforweeksatatimetherewasnolaughterinour
home.Theominousnightlampwasneverextinguished.Wesleptinourclothesnightafternight,soas
towakethemoreeasilyincaseofsuddenneed.Wewatched,wewaited,butwescarcelyhoped.
OnceinawhileIwasallowedtotakeashortturninthesickroom.Itwasawfultositbesidemy
mother'sbedinthestillnightandseeherhelplessness.Shehadbeensostrong,soactive.Sheusedto
liftsacksandbarrelsthatwereheavyforaman,andnowshecouldnotraiseaspoontohermouth.
Sometimes,shedidnotknowmewhenIgaveherthemedicine,andwhensheknewme,shedidnot
care.Wouldsheevercareanymore?Shelookedstrangeandsmallintheshadowsofthebed.Herhair
hadbeencutoffafterthefirstfewmonthshershortcurlswerealmostcoveredbytheicebag.Her
cheekswerered,red,butherhandsweresowhiteastheyhadneverbeenbefore.InthestillnightI
wonderedifshecaredtolive.
Thenightlampburnedon.Myfathergrewold.Hewasalwaysfiguringonapieceofpaper.We
childrenknewthetillwasemptywhenthesilvercandlesticksweretakenawaytobepawned.Next,
superfluousfeatherbedsweresoldforwhattheywouldbring,andthentherecameadaywhen
grandma,witheyesblindedbytears,gropedinthebigwardrobeformymother'ssatindressand
velvetmantleandafterthatitdidnotmatteranymorewhatwastakenoutofthehouse.
Theneverythingtookasuddenturn.Mymotherbegantoimprove,andatthesametimemyfather
wasofferedagoodpositionassuperintendentofagristmill.
Assoonasmymothercouldbemoved,hetookusallouttothemill,aboutthreeverstsoutoftown,
onthePolota.Wehadapleasantcottagethere,withthemiller'sredheaded,freckledfamilyforour
onlyneighbors.Ifourroomswerebarerthantheyusedtobe,thesunshoneinatallthewindowsand
astheleavesonthetreesgrewdenseranddarker,mymothergrewstrongeronherfeet,andlaughter
returnedtoourhouseasthesongbirdtothegrove.
Wechildrenhadaveryhappysummer.Wehadneverlivedinthecountrybefore,andwelikedthe
change.Itwasendlessfuntoexplorethemilltosqueezeintoforbiddenplaces,andbepulledoutby
theangrymillertotyrannizeoverthemillhands,andbeworshippedbytheminreturntogoboating
ontheriver,anddiscoverunvisitednooks,andsearchthewoodsandfieldsforkitchenherbs,andget
lost,andbefound,ahundredtimesaweek.Andwhatanadventureitwastowalkthethreeverstsinto
town,leavingatrailofperfumefromthewildflowerposieswecarriedtoourcityfriends!
Butthesethingsdidnotlast.Themillchangedhands,andthenewownerputaprotgofhisownin
myfather'splace.So,afterashortbreathingspell,weweredrivenbackintotheswampofgrowing
povertyandtrouble.
Thenextyearorsomyfatherspentinarestlessandfruitlesssearchforapermanentposition.My
motherhadanotherseriousillness,andhisownhealthremainedprecarious.Whatheearneddidnot
morethanhalfpaythebillsintheend,thoughwewerelivingveryhumblynow.Polotzkseemedto
rejecthim,andnootherplaceinvitedhim.
JustatthistimeoccurredoneoftheperiodicantiSemiticmovementswherebygovernmentofficials
werewonttocleartheforbiddencitiesofJews,whom,intheintervalsofslackadministrationofthe
law,theyallowedtomaintainanillegalresidenceinplacesoutsidethePale,onpaymentofenormous
bribesandatthecostofnamelessrisksandindignities.
ItwasalittlebeforePassoverthatthecryofthehuntedthrilledtheJewishworldwiththefamiliar
fear.ThewholesaleexpulsionofJewsfromMoscowanditssurroundingdistrictatcruellyshort
noticewasthenameofthislatestdisaster.Wherewouldthedoomstrikenext?TheJewswholived
illegallywithoutthePaleturnedtheirpossessionsintocashandsleptintheirclothes,readyfor
immediateflight.ThosewholivedinthecomparativesecurityofthePaletrembledfortheirbrothers
andsisterswithout,andopenedwidetheirdoorstoaffordthefugitivesrefuge.Andhundredsof
fugitives,precededbyawailofdistress,flockedintotheopendistrict,bringingtheirtroublewhere
troublewasneverabsent,minglingtheirtearswiththetearsthatneverdried.
Theopencitiesbecomingthussuddenlycrowded,everyman'schanceofmakingalivingwas
diminishedinproportiontothenumberofadditionalcompetitors.Hardship,acutedistress,ruinfor
many:thusspreadthedisaster,ringbeyondring,fromthestonethrownbyadespoticofficialintothe
everfullriverofJewishpersecution.
Passoverwascelebratedintearsthatyear.InthestoryoftheExoduswewouldhavereadachapterof
currenthistory,onlyforustherewasnodelivererandnopromisedland.
Butwhatsaidsomeofusattheendofthelongservice?Not"MaywebenextyearinJerusalem,"but
"NextyearinAmerica!"Sotherewasourpromisedland,andmanyfaceswereturnedtowardsthe
West.AndifthewatersoftheAtlanticdidnotpartforthem,thewanderersrodeitsbitterfloodbya
miracleasgreatasanytherodofMoseseverwrought.
Myfatherwascarriedawaybythewestwardmovement,gladofhisowndeliverance,butsoreatheart
foruswhomheleftbehind.Itwasthelastchanceforallofus.Weweresofarreducedin
circumstancesthathehadtotravelwithborrowedmoneytoaGermanport,whencehewasforwarded
toBoston,withahostofothers,attheexpenseofanemigrantaidsociety.
Iwasabouttenyearsoldwhenmyfatheremigrated.Iwasusedtohisgoingawayfromhome,and
"America"didnotmeanmuchmoretomethan"Kherson,"or"Odessa,"oranyothernamesofdistant
places.Iunderstoodvaguely,fromthegravitywithwhichhisplanswerediscussed,andfrom
referencestoships,societies,andotherunfamiliarthings,thatthisenterprisewasdifferentfrom
previousonesbutmyexcitementandemotiononthemorningofmyfather'sdepartureweremainly
vicarious.
Iknowthedaywhen"America"asaworldentirelyunlikePolotzklodgedinmybrain,tobecomethe
centreofallmydreamsandspeculations.WellIknowtheday.Iwasinbed,sharingthemeasleswith
someoftheotherchildren.Motherbroughtusathickletterfromfather,writtenjustbeforeboarding
theship.Theletterwasfullofexcitement.Therewassomethinginitbesidesthedescriptionoftravel,
somethingbesidesthepicturesofcrowdsofpeople,offoreigncities,ofashipreadytoputouttosea.
Myfatherwastravellingattheexpenseofacharitableorganization,withoutmeansofhisown,
withoutplans,toastrangeworldwherehehadnofriendsandyethewrotewiththeconfidenceofa
wellequippedsoldiergoingintobattle.Therhetoricismine.Fathersimplywrotethattheemigration
committeewastakinggoodcareofeverybody,thattheweatherwasfine,andtheshipcomfortable.
ButIheardsomething,aswereadthelettertogetherinthedarkenedroom,thatwasmorethanthe
wordsseemedtosay.Therewasanelation,ahintoftriumph,suchashadneverbeeninmyfather's
lettersbefore.IcannottellhowIknewit.Ifeltastirring,astraininginmyfather'sletter.Itwasthere,
eventhoughmymotherstumbledoverstrangewords,eventhoughshecried,aswomenwillwhen
somebodyisgoingaway.Myfatherwasinspiredbyavision.Hesawsomethinghepromisedus
something.Itwasthis"America."And"America"becamemydream.
Whileitwasnothingnewformyfathertogofarfromhomeinsearchofhisfortune,the
circumstancesinwhichheleftuswereunlikeanythingwehadexperiencedbefore.Wehadabsolutely
noreliablesourceofincome,nosettledhome,noimmediateprospects.Wehardlyknewwherewe
belongedinthesimpleschemeofoursociety.Mymother,asabreadwinner,hadnothinglikeher
formersuccess.Herhealthwaspermanentlyimpaired,herplaceinthebusinessworldhadlongbeen
filledbyothers,andtherewasnocapitaltostartheranew.Herbrothersdidwhattheycouldforher.
Theywerewelltodo,buttheyallhadlargefamilies,withmarriageabledaughtersandsonstobe
boughtoutofmilitaryservice.Theallowancetheymadeherwasgenerouscomparedtotheirmeans,
affectionanddutycoulddonomore,buttherewerefourofusgrowingchildren,andmymother
wasobligedtomakeeveryeffortwithinherpowertopieceoutherincome.
Howquicklywecamedownfromalargeestablishment,withservantsandretainers,andaplace
amongthebestinPolotzk,toasingleroomhiredbytheweek,andthehumblestassociations,andthe
avertedheadsofformerfriends!Butoftenestitwasmymotherwhoturnedawayherhead.Shetook
tousingthesidestreets,toavoidthepitifuleyesofthekind,andthescornfuleyesofthehaughty.
Bothwereturnedonherasshetrudgedfromstoretostore,andfromhousetohouse,peddlingteaor
otherwareandbothwerehardtobear.Manyawintermorningshearoseinthedark,totrampthree
orfourmilesinthegrippingcold,throughthedraggingsnow,withapoundofteaforadistant
customerandherprofitwasperhapstwentykopecks.Manyatimeshefellontheice,assheclimbed
thesteepbankonthefarsideoftheDvina,aheavybasketoneacharm.Morethanonceshefaintedat
thedoorsofhercustomers,ashamedtoknockassuppliantwhereshehadusedtobereceivedasan
honoredguest.Ihopetheangelsdidnothavetocountthetearsthatfellonherfrostbitten,aching
handsasshecountedherbitterearningsatnight.
Andwhotookcareofuschildrenwhilemymothertrampedthestreetswithherbasket?Why,whobut
Fetchke?Whobutthelittlehousewifeoftwelve?SureofoursafetywasmymotherwithFetchketo
cookthesoupanddividethescrapofmeatandrememberthenextmeal.Josephwasinhederallday
thebabywasaquietlittlethingMashkewasnoworsethanusual.Butstilltherewasplentytodo,
withordertokeepinacrowdedroom,andthewashing,andthemending.AndFetchkediditall.She
wenttotheriverwiththewomentowashtheclothes,andtuckedupherdressandstoodbarelegged
inthewater,liketherestofthem,andbeatandrubbedwithallhermight,tillourmiserablerags
gleamedwhiteagain.
AndI?Iusuallyhadacold,oracough,orsomethingtodisablemeandIneverhadanytalentfor
housework.IfIsweptandsandedthefloor,polishedthesamovar,andranerrands,Iwasdoingmuch.
Imindedthebaby,whodidnotneedmuchminding.Iwaswillingenough,Isuppose,butthehard
thingsweredonewithoutmyhelp.
NotthatImeantobelittlethepartthatIplayedinourreduceddomesticeconomy.Indeed,Iamvery
particulartogetallthecreditdueme.IalwaysremindmysisterDeborah,whowasthebabyofthose
humbledays,thatitwasIwhopiercedherears.Earringswerearequisitepartofagirl'stoilet.Evena
beggargirlmusthaveearrings,weretheyonlyloopsofthreadwithglassbeads.Iheardmymother
bemoanthebabybecauseshehadnottimetopierceherears.PromptlyIarmedmyselfwithacoarse
needleandaspoolofthread,andtowedDeborahoutintothewoodshed.Theoperationwasentirely
successful,thoughthebabywasentirelyungrateful.AndIamproudtothisdayoftheunflinching
mannerinwhichIdidwhatIconceivedtobemyduty.IfDeborahchoosestogowithungarnished
ears,itisheraffairmyconscienceisfreeofallreproach.
WINTERSCENEONTHEDVINA
Ihadadirectwayineverything.IrushedrightinIspokerightout.Mymothersentmesometimes
todeliverapackageoftea,andIwasproudtohelpinbusiness.OnedayIwentacrosstheDvinaand
farup"theotherside."Itwasagoodsizedexpeditionformetomakealone,andIwasnotalittle
pleasedwithmyselfwhenIdeliveredmypackage,safeandintact,intothehandsofmycustomer.But
thestorekeeperwasnotpleasedatall.Shesniffedandsniffed,shepinchedthetea,sheshookitallout
onthecounter.
"Na,takeitback,"shesaidindisgust"thisisnottheteaIalwaysbuy.It'sapoorerquality."
Iknewthewomanwasmistaken.Iwasacquaintedwithmymother'sseveralgradesoftea.SoIspoke
upmanfully.
"Oh,no,"Isaid"thisistheteamymotheralwayssendsyou.Thereisnoworsetea."
Nothinginmylifeeverhurtmemorethanthatwoman'sanswertomyargument.Shelaughedshe
simplylaughed.ButIunderstood,evenbeforeshecontrolledherselfsufficientlytomakeverbal
remarks,thatIhadspokenlikeafool,hadlostmymotheracustomer.Ihadonlyspokenthetruth,but
Ihadnotexpresseditdiplomatically.Thatwasnowaytomakebusiness.
Ifeltverysoretobereturninghomewiththeteastillinmyhand,butIforgotmytroubleinwatching
asummerstormgatheruptheriver.Thefewpassengerswhotooktheboatwithmelookedscaredas
skythedarkened,andtheboatmangraspedhisoarsverysoberly.Ittookmybreathawaytoseethe
signs,butIlikeditandIwasmuchdisappointedtogethomedry.
Whenmymotherheardofmymisadventureshelaughed,toobutthatwasdifferent,andIwasableto
laughwithher.
ThisisthewayIhelpedinthehousekeepingandinbusiness.IhopeitdoesnotappearasifIdidnot
takeoursituationtoheart,forIdidinmyownfashion.Itwasplain,eventoanidledreamerlikeme,
thatwewerelivingonthecharityofourfriends,andbarelylivingatthat.Itwasplain,frommy
father'sletters,thathewasscarcelyabletosupporthimselfinAmerica,andthattherewasno
immediateprospectofourjoininghim.Irealizeditall,butIconsideredittemporary,andIfound
plentycomfortinwritinglongletterstomyfatherreal,originallettersthistime,notcopiesofReb'
Isaiah'smodelletterswhichmyfathertreasuredforyears.
AsaninstanceofwhatImeanbymyownfashionoftakingtroubletoheart,Irecallthedaywhenour
householdeffectswereattachedforadebt.Wehadplentyofdebts,butthesterncreditorwhosetthe
lawonusthistimewasnoneofours.Theclaimwasagainstafamilytowhommymothersublettwo
ofourthreerooms,furnishedwithherownthings.Thepoliceofficers,whoswoopeddownuponus
withoutwarning,aswastheirhabit,askednoquestionsandpaidnoheedtoexplanations.They
affixedasealtoeverylamechairandcrackedpitcherintheplaceaye,toeveryfadedpetticoatfound
hanginginthewardrobe.Thesegoods,comprisingallourpossessionsandallourtenant's,would
presentlyberemoved,tobesoldatauction,forthebenefitofthecreditor.
Lamechairsandfadedpetticoats,whentheyarethelastonehas,haveavitalvalueintheowner's
eyes.Mymothermovedabout,weepingdistractedly,allthewhiletheofficerswereinthehouse.The
frightenedchildrencried.Ourneighborsgatheredtobemoanourmisfortune.Andovereverythingwas
thepeculiardreadwhichonlyJewsinRussiafeelwhenagentsoftheGovernmentinvadetheirhomes.
Thefearofthemomentwasinmyheart,asineveryotherheartthere.Itwasahorrid,oppressivefear.
Iretiredtoaquietcornertograpplewithit.Iwasnotgiventoweeping,butImustthinkthingsoutin
words.Irepeatedtomyselfthatthetroublewasallaboutmoney.Somebodywantedmoneyfromour
tenant,whohadnonetogive.Ourfurniturewasgoingtobesoldtomakethismoney.Itwasa
mistake,butthentheofficerswouldnotbelievemymother.Still,itwasonlyaboutmoney.Nobody
wasdead,nobodywasill.Itwasallaboutmoney.Why,therewasplentyofmoneyinPolotzk!My
ownunclehadmanytimesasmuchasthecreditorclaimed.Hecouldbuyallourthingsback,or
somebodyelsecould.Whatdiditmatter?Itwasonlymoney,andmoneywasgotbyworking,andwe
wereallwillingtowork.Therewasnothinggone,nothinglost,aswhensomebodydied.This
furniturecouldbemovedfromplacetoplace,andsocouldmoneybemoved,andnothingwaslostout
oftheworldbythetransfer.Thatwasall.Ifanybody
Why,whatdoIseeatthewindow?BreineMalke,ournextdoorneighbor,isyes,sheissmuggling
somethingoutofthewindow!Ifsheiscaught!Oh,Imusthelp!BreineMalkebeckons.Shewants
metodosomething.IseeIunderstand.Imuststandinthedoorway,toobstructtheviewofthe
officers,whoareallengagedinthenextroomjustnow.Imovereadilytomypost,butIcannotresist
mycuriosity.Imustlookovermyshoulderalasttime,toseewhatitisBreineMalkewantsto
smuggleout.
Icanscarcelystiflemylaughter.Ofallourearthlygoods,ourneighborhaschosenforsalvationa
dentedbandboxcontainingamotheatenbonnetfrommymother'shappierdays!AndIlaughnotonly
fromamusementbutalsofromlightnessofheart.ForIhavesucceededinreducingourcatastropheto
itssimplestterms,andIfindthatitisonlyatrifle,andnomatteroflifeanddeath.
Icouldnothelpit.Thatwasthewayitlookedtome.
IamsureImadeasseriouseffortsasanybodytopreparemyselfforlifeinAmericaonthelines
indicatedinmyfather'sletters.InAmerica,hewrote,itwasnodisgracetoworkatatrade.Workmen
andcapitalistswereequal.Theemployeraddressedtheemployeeasyou,not,familiarly,asthou.The
cobblerandtheteacherhadthesametitle,"Mister."Andallthechildren,boysandgirls,Jewsand
Gentiles,wenttoschool!Educationwouldbeoursfortheasking,andeconomicindependencealso,as
soonaswewereprepared.HewantedFetchkeandmetobetaughtsometradesomysisterwas
apprenticedtoadressmakerandItoamilliner.
Fetchke,ofcourse,wassuccessful,andI,ofcourse,wasnot.Mysistermanagedtolearnhertrade,
althoughmostofthetimeatthedressmaker'sshehadtospendinsweeping,runningerrands,and
mindingthebabiestheusualoccupationsoftheapprenticeinanytrade.
ButIIhadtobetakenawayfromthemilliner'safteracoupleofmonths.Ididtry,honestly.Withall
myeyesIwatchedmymistressbuildupachimneypotofstrawandthings.Irippedupoldbonnets
withenthusiasm.Ipickedupeverybody'sspoolsandthimbles,andotherfarrollingobjects.Ididjust
asIwastold,forIwasdeterminedtobecomeafamousmilliner,sinceAmericahonoredtheworkman
so.ButmostofthetimeIwassentawayonerrandstothemarkettobuysoupgreens,tothecorner
storetogetchange,andallovertownwithbandboxeshalfasroundagainasI.Itwaswinter,andI
wasnotverywelldressed.IfrozeIcoughedmymistresssaidIwasnotofmuchusetoher.Somy
motherkeptmeathome,andmycareerasamillinerwasblighted.
ThiswasduringourlastyearinRussia,whenIwasbetweentwelveandthirteenyearsofage.Iwas
oldenoughtobeashamedofmyfailures,butIdidnothavemuchtimetothinkaboutthem,because
myUncleSolomontookmewithhimtoVitebsk.
Itwasnotmyfirstvisittothatcity.AfewyearsbeforeIhadspentsomedaysthere,inthecareofmy
father'scousinRachel,whojourneyedperiodicallytothecapitaloftheprovincetoreplenishherstock
ofspoolsandcombsandlikesmallwares,bythesaleofwhichshewasslowlyearningherdowry.
Onthatfirstoccasion,CousinRachel,whohaddevelopedinbusinessthatdualconscience,onefor
herJewishneighborsandonefortheGentiles,decidedtocarrymewithoutaticket.Iwassosmall,
thoughofanagetopayhalffare,thatitwasnotdifficult.Irememberhersimplestratagemfrom
beginningtoend.Whenweapproachedtheticketofficeshewhisperedtometostoopalittle,andI
stooped.Theticketagentpassedme.Inthecarshebademecurlupintheseat,andIcurledup.She
threwashawlovermeandbademepretendtosleep,andIpretendedtosleep.Iheardtheconductor
collectthetickets.Iknewwhenhewaslookingatme.IheardhimaskmyageandIheardCousin
Rachellieaboutit.Iwasallowedtositupwhentheconductorwasgone,andIsatupandlookedout
ofthewindowandsaweverything,andwasperfectly,perfectlyhappy.Iwasfondofmycousin,andI
smiledatherinperfectunderstandingandadmirationofherclevernessinbeatingtherailroad
company.
Iknewthen,asIknownow,beyondadoubt,thatmyUncleDavid'sdaughterwasanhonorable
woman.Withtherighteousshedealtsquarelywiththeunjust,asbestshecould.Shewasinduty
boundtomakeallthemoneyshecould,formoneywasheronlyprotectioninthemidstoftheenemy.
Everykopecksheearnedorsavedwasascaleinhercoatofarmor.Welearnedthiscodeearlyinlife,
inPolotzksoIwaspleasedwiththesuccessofourruseonthisoccasion,thoughIshouldhavebeen
horrifiedifIhadseenCousinRachelcheataJew.
WemadeourheadquartersinthatpartofVitebskwheremyfather'snumerouscousinsandaunts
lived,inmoreorlesspoverty,oratmostinthehumblestcomfortbutIwastakentomyUncle
Solomon'stospendtheSabbath.Irememberalongwalk,throughmagnificentavenuesandpast
splendidshopsandhousesandgardens.VitebskwasametropolisbesideprovincialPolotskandIwas
verysmall,evenwithoutstooping.
UncleSolomonlivedinthebetterpartofthecity,andIfoundhisplaceveryattractive.Still,aftera
night'ssleep,Iwasreadyforfurthertravelandadventures,andIsetout,withoutawordtoanybody,
toretracemystepsclearacrossthecity.
Thewaywastwiceaslongasontheprecedingday,perhapsbecausesuchsmallfeetsetthepace,
perhapsbecauseIlingeredaslongasIpleasedattheshopwindows.Atsomecorners,too,Ihadto
stopandstudymyroute.IdonotthinkIwasfrightenedatall,thoughIimaginemybackwasvery
straightandmyheadveryhighallthewayforIwaswellawarethatIwasoutonanadventure.
IdidnotspeaktoanyonetillIreachedmyAuntLeah'sandthenIhardlyhadachancetospeak,I
wassomuchhuggedandlaughedoverandcriedover,andquestionedandcrossquestioned,without
anybodywaitingtohearmyanswers.IhadmeanttosurpriseCousinRachel,andIhadfrightenedher.
WhenshehadcometoUncleSolomon'stotakemeback,shefoundthehouseinanuproar,everybody
frightenedatmydisappearance.Theneighborhoodwassearched,andatlastmessengersweresentto
AuntLeah's.Themessengersintheirhastequiteoverlookedme.Itwastheirfaultiftheytookashort
cutunknowntome.Iwasallthetimefaithfullysteeringbythesignofthetobaccoshop,andtheshop
withthejumpingjackinthewindow,andthegardenwiththeironfence,andthesentryboxopposite
adrugstore,andalltherestofmylandmarks,ascarefullyenteredonmymentalchartthedaybefore.
AllthisItoldmyscaredrelativesassoonastheyletme,tilltheywereconvincedthatIwasnotlost,
norstolenbythegypsies,norotherwisedoneawaywith.CousinRachelwassogladthatshewould
nothavetoreturntoPolotzkemptyhandedthatshewouldnotletanybodyscoldme.Shemademe
telloverandoverwhatIhadseenontheway,tilltheyalllaughedandpraisedmyacutenessfor
seeingsomuchmorethantheyhadsupposedtherewastosee.Indeed,Iwasmadeaheroine,which
wasjustwhatIintendedtobewhenIsetoutonmyadventure.Andthusendedmostofmyunlawful
escapadesIwasmorepettedthanscoldedformyinsubordination.
MysecondjourneytoVitebsk,inthecompanyofUncleSolomon,Irememberaswellasthefirst.I
hadbeenupallnight,dancingatawedding,andhadgonehomeonlytopickupmysmallbundleand
bepickedup,inturn,bymyuncle.Iwasalittletallernow,andhadmyownticket,likeareal
traveller.
Itwasstillearlyinthemorningwhenthetrainpulledoutofthestation,orelseitwasamistyday.I
knowthefieldslookedsoftandgraywhenwegotoutintothecountry,andthetreeswereblurred.I
didnotwanttosleep.Anewdayhadbegunanewadventure.Iwouldnotmissanyofit.
Butthelastday,sounnaturallyprolonged,wasentangledintheskirtsofthenew.Whendidyesterday
end?Whywasnotthisnewdaythesamedaycontinued?Ilookedupatmyuncle,buthewassmiling
atmeinthatamusedwayofhishealwaysseemedtobeamusedatme,andhewouldmakemetalk
andthenlaughatmesoIdidnotaskmyquestion.Indeed,Icouldnotformulateit,soIkeptstaring
outonthedimcountry,andthinking,andthinkingandallthewhiletheenginethrobbedandlurched,
andthewheelsgroundalong,andIwasastonishedtohearthattheywerekeepingperfectlythetimeof
thelastwaltzIhaddancedatthewedding.Isangitthroughinmyhead.Yes,thatwastherhythm.
Theengineknewit,thewholemachinerepeatedit,andsentvibrationsthroughmybodythatwerejust
likethemovementsofthewaltz.IwassomuchinterestedinthisdiscoverythatIforgottheproblem
oftheContinuityofTimeandfromthatdaytothis,wheneverIhaveheardthatwaltz,oneofthe
sweetDanubewaltzes,Ihavelivedthroughthatentireexperience:thefestivenight,themisty
morning,theabnormalconsciousnessoftime,asifIhadexistedforever,withoutabreakthejourney,
thedimlandscape,andthetunesingingitselfinmyhead.NevercanIhearthatwaltzwithoutthe
accompanimentofenginewheelsgrindingrhythmicallyalongspeedingtracks.
IremainedinVitebskaboutsixmonths.IdonotbelieveIwaseverhomesickduringallthattime.I
wastoohappytobehomesick.Thelifesuitedmeextremelywell.MylifeinPolotzkhadgrown
meanerandduller,asthefamilyfortunesdeclined.Foryearstherehadbeennolessons,nopleasant
excursions,nojollygatheringswithunclesandaunts.Poverty,shadowedbypride,trampleddownour
simpleambitionsandsimplerjoys.IcannothonestlysaythatIwasverysensitivetoourlosses.Ido
notremembersufferingbecausetherewasnojamonmybread,andnonewdressfortheholidays.I
donotknowwhetherIwashurtwhensomeofourplaymatesabandonedus.Iremembermyself
oftenerintheattitudeofanonlooker,asontheoccasionoftheattachmentofourfurniture,whenI
wentoffintoacornertothinkaboutit.PerhapsIwasnotabletoclingtonegations.Thepossessionof
thebreadwasamoreabsorbingfactthanthelossofthejam.IfIweretoreadmycharacter
backwards,IoughttobelievethatIdidmisswhatIlackedinourdaysofprivationforIknow,tomy
shame,thatinmorerecentyearsIhavecriedforjam.ButIamtryingnottoreason,onlytoremember
andfrommanyscatteredandshadowymemories,thatglimmerandfadeawaysofastthatIcannotfix
themonthispage,Iformanidea,almostaconviction,thatitwaswithmeasIsay.
HoweverindifferentImayhavebeentowhatIhadnot,IwasfullyalivetowhatIhad.SowhenI
cametoVitebskIeagerlyseizedonthemanynewthingsthatIfoundaroundmeandthesenew
impressionsandexperiencesaffectedmesomuchthatIcountthatvisitasanepochinmyRussian
life.
Iwasverymuchathomeinmyuncle'shousehold.Iwasalittleafraidofmyaunt,whohadaquick
temper,butonthewholeIlikedher.Shewasfairandthinandhadaprettysmileinthewakeofher
tempers.UncleSolomonwasanoldfriend.Iwasfondofhimandhemademuchofme.Hisfine
browneyeswerefullofsmiles,andtherealwayswasapleasantsmileforme,orateasingone.
UncleSolomonwascomparativelyprosperous,soIsoonforgotwhateverIhadknownathomeof
sordidcares.IdonotrememberthatIwaseverhauntedbythethoughtofmymother,whoslavedto
keepusinbreadorofmysister,solittleolderthanmyself,whobentherlittlebacktoawoman's
work.Itookupthelifearoundmeasiftherewerenootherlife.Ididnotplayallthetime,butI
enjoyedwhateverworkIfoundbecauseIwassohappy.IhelpedmycousinDinkehelphermother
withthehousework.IputitthiswaybecauseIthinkmyauntneversetmeanytasksbutDinkewas
gladtohavemehelpwashdishesandsweepandmakebeds.Mycousinwasagentle,sweetgirl,blue
eyedandfair,andaltogetherattractive.Shetalkedtomeaboutgrownupthings,andIlikedit.When
herfriendscametovisithershedidnotmindhavingmeabout,althoughmyskirtsweresoshort.
Myhelpinghandwasextendedalsotomysmallercousins,MendeleandPerele.Iplayedlottowith
MendeleandlethimbeatmeIfoundhimwhenhewaslost,andIhelpedhimplaytricksonour
elders.Perele,thebaby,wasattimesmyspecialcharge,andIthinkshedidnotsufferinmyhands.I
wasagoodnurse,thoughmymethodsweresomewhatoriginal,
UncleSolomonwasoftenawayonbusiness,andinhisabsenceCousinHirshelwasmyhero.Hirshel
wasonlyalittleolderthanI,buthewasapupilinthehighschool,andworethestudent'suniform,
andknewnearlyasmuchasmyuncle,Ithought.Whenhebuckledonhissatchelofbooksinthe
morning,andstrodeawaystraightasasoldier,nohederboyeverwalkedlikethat,Istoodinthe
doorwayandworshippedhisretreatingsteps.Imethimonhisreturninthelateafternoon,andhung
overhimwhenhelaidouthisbooksforhislessons.SometimeshehadlongRussianpiecestocommit
tomemory.Hewouldwalkupanddownrepeatingthelinesoutloud,andIlearnedasfastashe.He
wouldletmeholdthebookwhileherecited,andaproudgirlwasIifIcouldcorrecthim.
Myinterestinhislessonsamusedhimhedidnottakemeseriously.Helookedmuchlikehisfather,
andtwinkledhiseyesatmeinthesamewayandmadefunofme,too.Butsometimeshe
condescendedtosetmealessoninspellingorarithmetic,inreadingIwasasgoodashe,andifI
didwell,hepraisedmeandwentandtoldthefamilyaboutitbutlestIgrowtooproudofmy
achievements,hewouldsitdownanddomysterioussumsInowbelieveitwasalgebratowhichI
hadnocluewhatever,andwhichdulyimpressedmewithasenseofmyignorance.
Therewereotherbooksinthehousethanschoolbooks.TheHebrewbooks,ofcourse,werethere,as
inotherJewishhomesbutIwasnolongerdevotedtothePsalms.Therewereafewbooksaboutin
RussianandinYiddish,thatwereneitherworksofdevotionnorofinstruction.Thesewerestory
booksandpoems.Theywereagreatsurprisetomeandagreaterdelight.Ireadthemhungrily,all
therewereamerehandful,buttomeanoverwhelmingtreasure.OfallthosebooksIrememberby
nameonly"RobinsonCrusoe."IthinkIpreferredthestoriestothepoems,thoughpoetrywasgoodto
recite,walkingupanddown,likeCousinHirshel.Thatwasmyintroductiontosecularliterature,butI
didnotunderstanditatthetime.
WhenIhadexhaustedthebooks,IbeganontheoldvolumesofaRussianperiodicalwhichIfoundon
ashelfinmyroom.Therewasahighstackofthesepapervolumes,andIwassohungryforbooks
thatIwentatthemgreedily,fearingthatImightnotgetthroughbeforeIhadtoreturntoPolotzk.
Ireadeveryspareminuteoftheday,andmostofthenight.Iscarcelyeverstoppedatnightuntilmy
lampburnedout.ThenIwouldcreepintobedbesideDinke,butoftenmyheadburnedsofrom
excitementthatIdidnotsleepatonce.Andnowonder.Theviolentromanceswhichrushedthrough
thepagesoftheperiodicalwerefittoinflameanolder,moresophisticatedbrainthanmine.Imust
believethatitwasathoroughlyrespectablemagazine,becauseIfounditinmyUncleSolomon's
housebutthenovelsitprintedwerecertainlysensational,ifIdarejudgefrommyluridrecollections.
Theseromances,indeed,mayhavehadtheirliteraryqualities,whichIwastoountrainedto
appreciate.Iremembernothingbutstartlingadventuresofstrangeheroesandheroines,violent
catastrophesineverychapter,beautifulmaidensabductedbycruelCossacks,inhumanmotherswho
poisonedtheirdaughtersforjealousyoftheirloversandalltheseunheardofthingshappeningina
strangeworld,theverylanguageofwhichwasunnaturaltome.Iwasquickenoughtofixmeaningsto
newwords,however,sokeenwasmyinterestinwhatIread.Indeed,whenIrecallthezestwith
whichIdevouredthosefearfulpages,thethrillwithwhichIfollowedtheheartlessmotherorthe
abusedmaideninheradventures,myheartbeatinginmythroatwhenmylittlelampbegantoflicker
andthen,myself,bigeyedandshiveryinthedark,stealingtobedlikeaguiltyghost,whenI
rememberallthis,Ihaveanunpleasantfeeling,asofonehearingofanother'sdebauchandIwouldbe
gladtoshakethelittlebonyculpritthatIwasthen.
MyunclewasawaysomuchofthetimethatIdoubtifheknewhowIspentmynights.Myaunt,poor
hardworkedhousewife,knewtoolittleofbookstodirectmyreading.Mycousinswerenotenough
olderthanmyselftoplaymentorstome.Besidesallthis,Ithinkitwastacitlyagreed,atmyuncle'sas
athome,thatMashkewasbestletaloneinsuchmatters.SoIburntmymidnightlamp,andfilledmy
mindwithaconglomerationofimagesentirelyunsuitedtomymentaldigestionandnoonecansay
whattheywouldhavebredinme,besidesheadacheandnervousness,hadtheynotbeensosoon
dispelledandsupersededbyahostofstrongnewimpressions.Forthesereadingsendedwithmyvisit,
whichwascloselyfollowedbythepreparationsforouremigration.
Onthewhole,then,IdonotfeelthatIwasseriouslyharmedbymywildreading.Ihavenotbeentold
thatmytastewascorrupted,andmymorals,Ibelieve,havealsoescapedseriousstricture.Iwould
evensaythatIhaveneverbeenhurtbyanyrevelation,howeverdistortedoruntimely,thatIfoundin
books,goodorpoorthatIhaveneverreadanidlebookthatwasentirelyuselessandthatIhave
neverquitelostwhateverwassignificanttomyspiritinanybook,goodorbad,eventhoughmy
consciousmemorycangivenoaccountofit.
Onelived,atUncleSolomon's,notonlyone'sownlife,butthelifeofallaround.Myuncle,whenhe
returnedafterashortabsence,hadstoriestotellandadventurestodescribeandIlearnedthatone
mighttravelconsiderablyandseethingsunknowneveninVitebsk,withoutgoingasfarasAmerica.
Mycousinssometimeswenttothetheatre,andIlistenedwithrapturetotheiraccountofwhatthey
hadseen,andIlearnedthesongstheyhadheard.OnceCousinHirshelwenttoseeagiant,who
exhibitedhimselfforthreekopecks,andcamehomewithsuchmarvelousaccountsofhisastonishing
proportions,andhisamazingfeatsofstrength,thatlittleMendelecriedforenvy,andIhadtoplay
lottowithhimandlethimbeatmeoh,soeasily!tillhefelthimselfamanagain.
AndsometimesIhadadventuresofmyown.Iexploredthecitytosomeextentbymyself,orelsemy
cousinstookmewiththemontheirerrands.Thereweresomanyfinepeopletosee,suchwonderful
shops,suchgreatdistancestogo.Oncetheytookmetoabookstore.Isawshelvesandshelvesof
books,andpeoplebuyingthem,andtakingthemawaytokeep.Iwastoldthatsomepeoplehadin
theirownhousesmorebooksthanwereinthestore.Wasnotthatwonderful?Itwasagreatcity,
VitebskInevercouldexhaustitsdelights.
AlthoughIdidnotoftenthinkofmypeopleathome,strugglingdesperatelytolivewhileIreveledin
abundanceandpleasureandexcitement,Ididdomylittletohelpthefamilybygivinglessonsin
lacemaking.AsthiswastheonlytimeinmylifethatIearnedmoneybytheworkofmyhands,Itake
carenottoforgetitandIliketogiveanaccountofit.
Iwasalways,asIhaveelsewhereadmitted,veryclumsywithmyhand,countingfivethumbstothe
hand.Knittingandembroidery,atwhichmysisterwassoclever,Icouldneverdowithanydegreeof
skill.ThebluepeacockwiththeredtailthatIachievedincrossstitchwasnotaperformanceofany
grace.NeitherwasIverymuchdowncastatmyfailuresinthisfieldIwasnotanambitious
needlewoman.Butwhenthefadfor"Russianlace"wasintroducedintoPolotzkbyafamilyofsisters
whohadbeenexpelledfromSt.Petersburg,andallfemininePolotzk,onbothsidesoftheDvina,
droppedknittingandcrochetneedlesandembroideryframestotakeuppillowandbobbins,I,too,
wascarriedawaybythenovelty,andappliedmyselfheartilytolearntheintricateart,withtheresult
thatIdidmasterit.TheRussiansisterchargedenormousfeesforlessons,andmadeafortuneoutof
thesaleofpatternswhiletheyheldthemonopoly.Theirpupilspassedontheartatreducedfees,and
theirpupils'pupilschargedstilllessuntileventhehumblestcottagerangwiththeprettyclickofthe
bobbins,andmyCousinRachelsoldsteelpinsbytheounce,insteadofbythedozen,andthewomen
exchangedcardboardpatternsfromoneendoftowntotheother.
Myteacher,whotaughtmewithoutfee,beingafriendofourprosperousdays,lived"ontheother
side."Itwaswinter,andmanyatimeIcrossedthefrozenriver,carryingalacepillowasbigas
myself,tillmyhandswerenumbwithcold.ButIpersisted,afraidasIwasofcoldandwhenIcame
toVitebskIwasgladofmyoneaccomplishment.ForVitebskhadnotyetseen"Russianlace,"andI
wasanacceptableteacherofthenewart,thoughIwassuchamite,becausetherewasnoother.I
taughtmyCousinDinke,ofcourse,andIhadanumberofpayingpupils.Igavelessonsatmypupils'
homes,andwasveryproud,goingthusabouttownandbeingreceivedasapersonofimportance.If
myfeetdidnotreachthefloorwhenIsatinachair,myhandsknewtheirbusinessforonceandIwas
suchaconscientiousandenthusiasticteacherthatIhadthesatisfactionofseeingallmypupilsexecute
difficultpiecesbeforeIleftVitebsk.
Ineverhaveseenmoneythatwashalfsobrighttolookat,halfsoprettytoclink,asthemoneyI
earnedbytheselessons.Anditwaseasytodecidewhattodowithmywealth.Iboughtpresentsfor
everybodyIknew.IremembertothisdaythepatternoftheshawlIboughtformymother.WhenI
camehomeandunpackedmytreasures,IwastheproudestgirlinPolotzk.
Theproudest,butnotthehappiest.Ifoundmyfamilyinsuchapitifulstatethatallmyjoywasstifled
bycare,ifonlyforawhile.
Unwillingtospoilmyholiday,mymotherhadnotwrittenmehowthingshadgonefrombadtoworse
duringmyabsence,andIwasnotprepared.Fetchkemetmeatthestation,andconductedmetoa
morewretchedholethanIhadevercalledhomebefore.
Iwentintotheroomalone,havingbeengreetedoutsidebymymotherandbrother.Itwasevening,
andtheshabbinessoftheapartmentwasallthegloomierforthelightofasmallkerosenelamp
standingonthebaredealtable.AtoneendofthetableisthisDeborah?Mylittlesister,dressedin
anuglygrayjacket,satmotionlessinthelamplight,herfairheaddrooping,herlittlehandsfoldedon
theedgeofthetable.AtsightofherIgrewsuddenlyold.Itwasmerelythatshewasashylittlegirl,
unbecominglydressed,andperhapsalittlepalefromunderfeeding.Buttome,atthatmoment,she
wasthepersonificationofdejection,thelivingsymbolofthefallenfamilystate.
Ofcoursemysobermooddidnotlastlong.Even"fallenfamilystate"couldbeinterpretedintermsof
moneyabsentmoneyandthat,asonceestablished,wasatriflingmatter.Hadn'tIearnedmoney
myself?Heapsofit!Onlylookatthis,andthis,andthisthatIbroughtfromVitebsk,boughtwithmy
ownmoney!No,Ididnotremainold.FormanyyearsmoreIwasaverychildishchild.
PerhapsIhadspentmytimeinVitebsktobetteradvantagethanatthemilliner's,fromanypointof
view.WhenIreturnedtomynativetownIsawthings.Isawthenarrowness,thestiflingnarrowness,
oflifeinPolotzk.Mybooks,mywalks,myvisits,asteacher,tomanyhomes,hadbeensomanydoors
openingonawiderworldsomanyhorizons,onebeyondtheother.Theboundariesoflifehad
stretched,andIhadfilledmylungswiththethrillingairfromagreatBeyond.ChildthoughIwas,
Polotzk,whenIcameback,wastoosmallforme.
AndevenVitebsk,forallitspeepholesintoaBeyond,presentlybegantoshrinkinmyimagination,as
Americaloomednear.Myfather'sletterswarnedustoprepareforthesummons,andwelivedina
quiverofexpectation.
Notthatmyfatherhadgrownsuddenlyrich.Hewassofarfromrichthathewasgoingtoborrow
everycentofthemoneyforourthirdclasspassagebuthehadabusinessinviewwhichhecould
carryonallthebetterforhavingthefamilywithhimand,besides,wewereborrowingrightandleft
anyway,andtonodefinitepurpose.Withthechildren,heargued,everyyearinRussiawasayearlost.
Theyshouldbespendingthepreciousyearsinschool,inlearningEnglish,inbecomingAmericans.
UnitedinAmerica,thereweretenchancesofourgettingtoourfeetagaintoonechanceinour
scattered,aimlessstate.
SoatlastIwasgoingtoAmerica!Really,reallygoing,atlast!Theboundariesburst.Thearchof
heavensoared.Amillionsunsshoneoutofeverystar.Thewindsrushedinfromouterspace,roaring
inmyears,"America!America!"
CHAPTERVIII
THEEXODUS
ONthedaywhenoursteamerticketarrived,mymotherdidnotgooutwithherbasket,mybrother
stayedoutofheder,andmysistersaltedthesoupthreetimes.IdonotknowwhatIdidtocelebrate
theoccasion.VerylikelyIplayedtricksonDeborah,andwrotealonglettertomyfather.
BeforesunsetthenewswasalloverPolotzkthatHannahHayyehadreceivedasteamerticketfor
America.Thentheybegantocome.Friendsandfoes,distantrelativesandnewacquaintances,young
andold,wiseandfoolish,debtorsandcreditors,andmereneighbors,fromeveryquarterofthecity,
frombothsidesoftheDvina,fromoverthePolota,fromnowhere,asteadystreamofthempoured
intoourstreet,bothdayandnight,tillthehourofourdeparture.Andmymothergaveaudience.Her
fadedkerchiefhalfwayoffherhead,herblackringletsstraying,herapronoftenathereyes,she
receivedherguestsinarainbowofsmilesandtears.ShewastheheroineofPolotzk,andshe
conductedherselfappropriately.Shegaveherheart'sthanksforthecongratulationsandblessingsthat
pouredinonherreadytearsforcondolencespatientanswerstomonotonousquestionsand
handshakesandkissesandhugsshegavegratis.
Whatdidtheynotask,theeager,foolish,friendlypeople?Theywantedtohandletheticket,and
mothermustreadthemwhatiswrittenonit.Howmuchdiditcost?Wasitallpaidfor?Werewe
goingtohaveaforeignpassportordidweintendtostealacrosstheborder?Werewenotallgoingto
havenewdressestotravelin?Wasitsurethatwecouldgetkoscherfoodontheship?Andwiththe
questionspouredinsuggestions,andsolidchunksofadvicewererammedinbynimbleprophecies.
Motheroughttomakeapilgrimagetoa"GoodJew"say,theRebbeofLubavitchtogethis
blessingonourjourney.Shemustbesureandpackherprayerbooksandbible,andtwentypoundsof
zwiebackattheleast.Iftheydidservetrefahontheship,sheandthefourchildrenwouldhaveto
starveunlessshecarriedprovisionsfromhome.Oh,shemusttakeallthefeatherbeds!Featherbeds
arescarceinAmerica.InAmericatheysleeponhardmattresses,eveninwinter.HavehMirel,Yachne
thedressmaker'sdaughter,whoemigratedtoNewYorktwoyearsago,wrotehermotherthatshegot
upfromchildbedwithsoresides,becauseshehadnofeatherbed.Mothermustn'tcarryhermoney
inapocketbook.Shemustsewitintotheliningofherjacket.ThepolicemeninCastleGardentakeall
theirmoneyfromthepassengersastheyland,unlessthetravelersdenyhavingany.
Andsoon,andsoon,tillmypoormotherwascompletelybewildered.Andasthedaysetforour
departureapproached,thepeoplecameoftenerandstayedlonger,andrehearsedmymotherinlong
messagesfortheirfriendsinAmerica,prayingthatshedeliverthempromptlyonherarrival,and
withoutfail,andmightGodblessherforherkindness,andshemustbesureandwritethemhowshe
foundtheirfriends.
HayyeDvoshe,thewigmaker,fortheeleventhtimerepeatingherself,tomymother,stillpatiently
attentive,thus:
"Promiseme,Ibegyou.Idon'tsleepnightsforthinkingofhim.EmigratedtoAmericaeighteen
monthsago,freshandwellandstrong,withtwentyfiverubleinhispocket,besideshissteamerticket,
withnewphylacteries,andasilkskullcap,andasuitasgoodasnew,madeitonlythreeyears
before,everythingrespectable,therecouldbenothingbettersentoneletter,howhearrivedin
CastleGarden,howwellhewasreceivedbyhisuncle'ssoninlaw,howhewasconductedtothe
baths,howtheyboughthimanAmericansuit,everythinggood,fine,pleasantwrotehowhis
relativepromisedhimapositioninhisbusinessaclothingmerchantishemakesgold,andsince
thennotapostalcard,notaword,justasifhehadvanished,asiftheearthhadswallowedhim.Oi
weh!Whathaven'tIimagined,whathaven'tIdreamed,whathaven'tIlamented!Alreadythree
lettershaveIsentthelastone,youknow,youyourselfwroteforme,HannahHayye,dearandno
answer.Lost,asifinthesea!"
Andaftertheapplicationofacornerofhershawltohereyesandnose,HayyeDvoshe,continuing:
"Soyouwillgointothenewspaper,andaskthemwhathasbecomeofmyMshele,andifheisn'tin
CastleGarden,maybehewentuptoBaltimoreh,it'sintheneighborhood,youknow,andyoucan
tellthem,foramark,thathehasasilkhandkerchiefwithhismonograminRussian,thathisbetrothed
embroideredforhimbeforetheengagementwasbroken.AndmayGodgrantyouaneasyjourney,
andmayyouarriveinapropitioushour,andmayyoufindyourhusbandwell,andstrong,andrich,
andmayyoubothlivetoleadyourchildrentotheweddingcanopy,andmayAmericashowergoldon
you.Amen."
Theweeksskipped,thedaystookwing,anhourwasaflashofthoughtsobrimfulofeventswasthe
intervalbeforeourdeparture.AndnoonewasmorealivethanItothemultiplesignificanceofthe
dailydrama.Mymother,fullofgriefatthepartingfromhomeandfamilyandallthingsdear,anxious
aboutthejourney,uncertainaboutthefuture,butready,asever,totakeupwhatnewburdensawaited
hermysister,onewithourmotherineveryhopeandapprehensionmybrother,rejoicinginhis
suddenreleasefromhederandthelittlesister,vaguelyexcitedbymysteriesafoottheunclesand
auntsanddevotedneighbors,sadandsolemnovertheircominglossandmyfatherawayoverin
Boston,eagerandanxiousaboutusinPolotzk,anAmericancitizenimpatienttostarthischildrenon
Americancareers,Iknewthemindsofeveryoneofthese,andIlivedtheirdaysandnightswith
themafteranapishfashionofmyown.
ButatbottomIwasalooffromthemall.Whatmademesilentandbigeyedwasthesenseofbeingin
themidstofatremendousadventure.FrommorningtillnightIwasallattention.Imustcreditmyself
withsomepangofpartingIcertainlyfeltthethrillofexpectationbutkeenerthanthesewasmy
delightintheprogressofthegreatadventure.Itwasdelightfuljusttobemyself.Irejoiced,withthe
youngerchildren,duringtheweeksofpackingandpreparation,intherelaxationofdisciplineandthe
generaldemoralizationofourdailylife.Itwaspleasanttobepettedandspoiledbyfavoritecousins
andstuffedwithbelatedsweetsbyunfavoriteones.Itwasdistinctlyinterestingtocatchmymother
weepingincornercupboardsoverpreciousrubbishthatcouldbynomeansbecarriedtoAmerica.It
wasagreeabletohavemyUncleMosesstrokemyhairandregardmewithaffectionateeyes,whilehe
toldmethatIwouldsoonforgethim,andaskedme,socoaxingly,towritehimanaccountofour
journey.ItwasdelicioustobenotoriousthroughthelengthandbreadthofPolotzktobestoppedand
questionedateveryshopdoor,whenIranouttobuytwokopecks'worthofbuttertobetreatedwith
respectbymyformerplaymates,ifeverIfoundtimetominglewiththemtobepointedatbymy
enemies,asIpassedthemimportantlyonthestreet.Andallmydelightandprideandinterestwere
steepedinasuperfeeling,thesensethatitwasI,Mashke,Imyself,thatwasmovingandactinginthe
midstofunusualevents.NowthatIwassureofAmerica,Iwasinnohurrytodepart,andnot
impatienttoarrive.Iwaswillingtolingerovereverydetailofourprogress,andsocherishtheflavor
oftheadventure.
ThelastnightinPolotzkwesleptatmyuncle'shouse,havingdisposedofallourbelongings,tothe
lastthreeleggedstool,exceptsuchasweweretakingwithus.IcouldgostraighttotheroomwhereI
sleptwithmyauntthatnight,ifIweresuddenlysetdowninPolotzk.ButIdidnotreallysleep.
Excitementkeptmeawake,andmyauntsnoredhideously.InthemorningIwasgoingawayfrom
Polotzk,foreverandever.Iwasgoingonawonderfuljourney.IwasgoingtoAmerica.HowcouldI
sleep?
Myunclegaveoutafalsebulletin,withthelastbatchthatthegossipscarriedawayintheevening.He
toldthemthatwewerenotgoingtostarttillthesecondday.Thishedidinthehopeofsmugglingus
quietlyout,andsosavingusthewearandtearofapublicfarewell.Buthisrusefailedofsuccess.Half
ofPolotzkwasatmyuncle'sgateinthemorning,toconductustotherailwaystation,andtheother
halfwasalreadytherebeforewearrived.
Theprocessionresembledbothafuneralandatriumph.Thewomenweptoverus,remindingus
eloquentlyoftheperilsofthesea,ofthebewildermentofaforeignland,ofthetormentsof
homesicknessthatawaitedus.Theybewailedmymother'slot,whohadtotearherselfawayfrom
bloodrelationstogoamongstrangerswhohadtofacegendarmes,ticketagents,andsailors,
unprotectedbyamasculineescortwhohadtocareforfouryoungchildrenintheconfusionoftravel,
andverylikelyfeedthemtrefahorseethemstarveontheway.Ortheypraisedherforabrave
pilgrim,andexpressedconfidenceinherabilitytocopewithgendarmesandticketagents,andblessed
herwitheveryotherword,andallbutcarriedherintheirarms.
Atthestationstheprocessiondisbandedandbecameamob.Myuncleandmytallcousinsdidtheir
besttoprotectus,butwewandererswerealmosttorntopieces.Theydidgetusintoacaratlast,but
theriotonthestationplatformcontinuedunquelled.Whenthewarningbellrangout,itwasdrowned
inaconfoundingbabelofvoices,fragmentsoftheoftrepeatedmessages,admonitions,
lamentations,blessings,farewells."Don'tforget!""Takecareof""Keepyourtickets""Moshele
newspapers!""Garlickisbest!""Happyjourney!""Godhelpyou!""Goodbye!Goodbye!"
"Remember"
ThelastIsawofPolotzkwasanagitatedmassofpeople,wavingcoloredhandkerchiefsandother
franticbitsofcalico,madlygesticulating,fallingoneachother'snecks,gonewildaltogether.Thenthe
stationbecameinvisible,andtheshiningtracksspunoutfromskytosky.Iwasinthemiddleofthe
great,greatworld,andthelongestroadwasmine.
MemorymaytakearestwhileIcopyfromacontemporaneousdocumentthestoryofthegreat
voyage.Inaccordancewithmypromisetomyuncle,Iwrote,duringmyfirstmonthsinAmerica,a
detailedaccountofouradventuresbetweenPolotzkandBoston.Inkwascheap,andtheepistle,in
Yiddish,occupiedmeformanyhotsummerhours.Itwasagreatdisaster,therefore,tohavealamp
upsetonmywritingtable,whenIwasneartheend,soakingthethickpileoflettersheetsinkerosene.
Iwasobligedtomakeafaircopyformyuncle,andmyfatherkepttheoily,smellyoriginal.Aftera
coupleofyears'teasing,heinducedmetotranslatetheletterintoEnglish,forthebenefitofafriend
whodidnotknowYiddishforthebenefitofthepresentnarrative,whichwasnotthoughtofthirteen
yearsago.IcanhardlyrefrainfrommoralizingasIturntotheleavesofmychildishmanuscript,
gratefulatlastforthecalamityoftheoverturnedlamp.
OurroutelayovertheGermanborder,withHamburgforourport.Onthewaytothefrontierwe
stoppedforafarewellvisitinVilna,wheremymotherhadabrother.Vilnaisslightedinmy
description.Ifindspecialmentionofonlytwothings,thehorsecarsandthebookstores.
OnagraywetmorninginearlyAprilwesetoutforthefrontier.Thiswastherealbeginningofour
journey,andallmyfacultiesofobservationwerealert.Itooknoteofeverything,theweather,the
trains,thebustleofrailroadstations,ourfellowpassengers,andthefamilymoodateverystageofour
progress.
Thebagsandbundleswhichcomposedourtravelingoutfitweremuchmorebulkythanvaluable.A
triflingsumofmoney,thesteamerticket,andtheforeignpassportwerethemagicagentsbymeansof
whichwehopedtospanthefivethousandmilesofearthandwaterbetweenusandmyfather.The
passportwassupposedtopassusoverthefrontierwithoutanytrouble,butonaccountofthe
prevalenceofcholerainsomepartsofthecountry,thepoorersortoftravelers,suchasemigrants,
weresubjected,atthistime,tomorethanordinarysupervisionandregulation.
AtVersbolovo,thelaststationontheRussianside,wemetthefirstofourtroubles.AGerman
physicianandseveralgendarmesboardedthetrainandputusthroughasearchingexaminationasto
ourhealth,destination,andfinancialresources.Asaresultoftheinquisitionwewereinformedthat
wewouldnotbeallowedtocrossthefrontierunlessweexchangedourthirdclasssteamerticketfor
secondclass,whichwouldrequiretwohundredrublesmorethanwepossessed.Ourpassportwas
takenfromus,andweweretobeturnedbackonourjourney.
Myletterdescribesthesituation:
Wewerehomeless,houseless,andfriendlessinastrangeplace.Wehadhardlymoney
enoughtolastusthroughthevoyageforwhichwehadhopedandwaitedforthreelong
years.Wehadsufferedmuchthatthereunionwelongedformightcomeaboutwehad
preparedourselvestosuffermoreinordertobringitabout,andhadpartedwiththosewe
loved,withplacesthatweredeartousinspiteofwhatwepassedthroughinthem,never
againtoseethem,aswewereconvincedallforthesamedearend.Withstronghopes
andhighspiritsthathidthesadparting,wehadstartedonourlongjourney.Andnowwe
werecheckedsounexpectedlybutsurely,theblowcomingfromwherewelittleexpected
it,being,aswebelieved,safeinthatquarter.Whenmymotherhadrecoveredenoughto
speak,shebegantoarguewiththegendarme,tellinghimourstoryandbegginghimtobe
kind.ThechildrenwerefrightenedandallbutIcried.Iwasonlywonderingwhatwould
happen.
Movedbyourdistress,theGermanofficersgaveusthebestadvicetheycould.Weweretogetoutat
thestationofKibart,ontheRussianside,andapplytooneHerrSchidorsky,whomighthelpusonour
way.
Thelettergoeson:
WeareinKibart,atthedepot.Theleastimportantparticular,even,ofthatplace,I
noticedandremembered.Howtheporterhewasanugly,grinningmancarriedinour
thingsandputthemawayinthesoutherncornerofthebigroom,onthefloorhowwesat
downonasetteenearthem,ayellowsetteehowtheglassroofletinsomuchlightthat
wehadtoshadeoureyesbecausethecarhadbeendarkandwehadbeencryinghow
therewereonlyafewpeoplebesidesourselvesthere,andhowIbegantocountthemand
stoppedwhenInoticedasignovertheheadofthefifthpersonalittlewomanwithared
noseandapimpleonitandtriedtoreadtheGerman,withtheaidoftheRussian
translationbelow.Inoticedallthisandrememberedit,asiftherewerenothingelseinthe
worldformetothinkof.
TheletterdwellsgratefullyonthekindnessofHerrSchidorsky,whobecametheagentofour
salvation.HeprocuredmymotherapasstoEidtkuhnen,theGermanfrontierstation,wherehisolder
brother,aschairmanofawellknownemigrantaidassociation,arrangedforouradmissioninto
Germany.Duringthenegotiations,whichtookseveraldays,thegoodmanofKibartentertainedusin
hisownhouse,shabbyemigrantsthoughwewere.TheSchidorskybrotherswereJews,butitisnoton
thataccountthattheirnamehasbeenlovinglyrememberedforfifteenyearsinmyfamily.
OntheGermansideourcoursejoinedthatofmanyotheremigrantgroups,ontheirwaytoHamburg
andotherports.Wewereaclumsyenoughcrowd,withwide,unsophisticatedeyes,withawkward
bundleshuggedinourarms,andourheartssetonAmerica.
Thelettertomyunclefaithfullydescribeseverystageofourbustlingprogress.Hereisasamplescene
ofmanythatIrecorded:
Therewasaterribleconfusioninthebaggageroomwhereweweredirectedtogo.Boxes,
baskets,bags,valises,andgreat,shapelessthingsbelongingtonoparticularclass,were
thrownaboutbytheportersandothermen,whosortedthemandputticketsonallbut
thosecontainingprovisions,whileotherswereopenedandexaminedinhaste.Atlastour
turncame,andourthings,alongwiththoseofallotherAmericanboundtravellers,were
takenawaytobesteamedandsmokedandothersuchprocessesgonethrough.Wewere
toldtowaittillnoticeshouldbegivenusofsomethingelsetobedone.
Thephrases"weweretoldtodothis"and"toldtodothat"occuragainandagaininmynarrative,and
themosteffectivehandlingofthefactscouldgivenomorevividpictureoftheproceedings.We
emigrantswereherdedatthestations,packedinthecars,anddrivenfromplacetoplacelikecattle.
Attheexpectedhourwealltriedtofindroominacarindicatedbytheconductor.We
tried,butcouldonlyfindenoughspaceonthefloorforourbaggage,onwhichwemade
believesittingcomfortably.Fornowwewereobligedtoexchangethecomparative
comfortsofathirdclasspassengertrainforthecertaindiscomfortsofafourthclassone.
Therewereonlyfournarrowbenchesinthewholecar,andabouttwiceasmanypeople
werealreadyseatedontheseastheywereprobablysupposedtoaccommodate.Allother
space,tothelastinch,wascrowdedbypassengersortheirluggage.Itwasveryhotand
closeandaltogetheruncomfortable,andstillateverynewstationfreshpassengerscame
crowdingin,andactuallymaderoom,spareasitwas,forthemselves.Itbecameso
terriblethatallglaredmadlyattheconductorasheallowedmorepeopletocomeintothat
prison,andtrembledattheannouncementofeverystation.Icannotseeevennowhow
theofficerscouldallowsuchathingitwasreallydangerous.
Thefollowingismyattempttodescribeaflyingglimpseofametropolis:
TowardseveningwecameintoBerlin.IgrowdizzyevennowwhenIthinkofour
whirlingthroughthatcity.Itseemedweweregoingfasterandfasterallthetime,butit
wasonlythewhirloftrainspassinginoppositedirectionsandclosetousthatmadeit
seemso.Thesightofcrowdsofpeoplesuchaswehadneverseenbefore,hurryingtoand
fro,inandoutofgreatdepotsthatdancedpastus,helpedtomakeitmoreso.Strange
sights,splendidbuildings,shops,people,andanimals,allmingledinonegreat,confused
massofadispositiontocontinuallymoveinagreathurry,wildly,withnootheraimbut
tomakeone'sheadgoroundandround,infollowingitsdreadfulmotions.Roundand
roundwentmyhead.Itwasnothingbuttrains,depots,crowds,crowds,depots,trains,
againandagain,withnobeginning,noend,onlyamaddance!Fasterandfasterwego,
fasterstill,andthenoiseincreaseswiththespeed.Bells,whistles,hammers,locomotives
shriekingmadly,men'svoices,peddlers'cries,horses'hoofs,dogs'barkingsallunitedin
doingtheirbesttodrowneveryothersoundbuttheirown,andmadesuchadeafening
uproarintheattemptthatnothingcouldkeepitout.
Theplightofthebewilderedemigrantonthewaytoforeignpartsisalwayspitifulenough,butforus
whocamefromplagueriddenRussiatheterrorsofthewayweredoubled.
Inagreatlonelyfield,oppositeasolitaryhousewithinalargeyard,ourtrainpulledupat
last,andaconductorcommandedthepassengerstomakehasteandgetout.Heneednot
havetoldustohurryweweregladenoughtobefreeagainaftersuchalong
imprisonmentintheuncomfortablecar.Allrushedtothedoor.Webreathedmorefreely
intheopenfield,buttheconductordidnotwaitforustoenjoyourfreedom.Hehurried
usintotheonelargeroomwhichmadeupthehouse,andthenintotheyard.Hereagreat
manymenandwomen,dressedinwhite,receivedus,thewomenattendingtothewomen
andgirlsofthepassengers,andthementotheothers.
Thiswasanothersceneofbewilderingconfusion,parentslosingtheirchildren,andlittle
onescryingbaggagebeingthrowntogetherinonecorneroftheyard,heedlessof
contents,whichsufferedinconsequencethosewhitecladGermansshoutingcommands,
alwaysaccompaniedwith"Quick!Quick!"theconfusedpassengersobeyingallorders
likemeekchildren,onlyquestioningnowandthenwhatwasgoingtobedonewiththem.
Andnowonderifinsomemindsstoriesaroseofpeoplebeingcapturedbyrobbers,
murderers,andthelike.Herewehadbeentakentoalonelyplacewhereonlythathouse
wastobeseenourthingsweretakenaway,ourfriendsseparatedfromusamancameto
inspectus,asiftoascertainourfullvaluestrangelookingpeopledrivingusaboutlike
dumbanimals,helplessandunresistingchildrenwecouldnotseecryinginawaythat
suggestedterriblethingsourselvesdrivenintoalittleroomwhereagreatkettlewas
boilingonalittlestoveourclothestakenoff,ourbodiesrubbedwithaslipperysubstance
thatmightbeanybadthingashowerofwarmwaterletdownonuswithoutwarning
againdriventoanotherlittleroomwherewesit,wrappedinwoollenblanketstilllarge,
coarsebagsarebroughtin,theircontentsturnedout,andweseeonlyacloudofsteam,
andhearthewomen'sorderstodressourselves,"Quick!Quick!"orelsewe'llmiss
somethingwecannothear.Weareforcedtopickoutourclothesfromamongallthe
others,withthesteamblindinguswechoke,cough,entreatthewomentogiveustime
theypersist,"Quick!Quick!oryou'llmissthetrain!"Oh,sowereallywon'tbe
murdered!Theyareonlymakingusreadyforthecontinuingofourjourney,cleaningus
ofallsuspicionsofdangeroussickness.ThankGod!
InPolotzk,ifthecholerabrokeout,asitdidonceortwiceineverygeneration,wemadenosuchfuss
asdidtheseGermans.Thosewhodiedofthesicknesswereburied,andthosewholivedrantothe
synagoguestopray.WetravellersfelthurtatthewaytheGermanstreatedus.Mymothernearlydied
ofcholeraonce,butshewasgivenanewname,aluckyone,whichsavedherandthatwaswhenshe
wasasmallgirl.Noneofusweresicknow,yethearhowweweretreated!Thosegendarmesand
nursesalwaysshoutedtheircommandsatusfromadistance,asfearfulofourtouchasifwehadbeen
lepers.
WearrivedinHamburgearlyonemorning,afteralongnightinthecrowdedcars.Weweremarched
uptoastrangevehicle,longandnarrowandhigh,drawnbytwohorsesandcommandedbyamute
driver.Wewerepileduponthiswagon,ourbaggagewasthrownafterus,andwestartedonasight
seeingtouracrossthecityofHamburg.ThesightsIfaithfullyenumerateforthebenefitofmyuncle
includelittlecartsdrawnbydogs,andbigcarsthatrunofthemselves,lateridentifiedaselectriccars.
Thehumoroussideofouradventuresdidnotescapeme.AgainandagainIcomeacrossalaughinthe
longpagesofthehistoricepistle.ThedescriptionoftheridethroughHamburgendswiththis:
Thesightseeingwasnotallonourside.Inoticedmanypeoplestoppingtolookatusas
ifamused,thoughmostpassedbyusasthoughusedtosuchsights.Wedidmakeaqueer
appearanceallinalongrow,upabovepeople'sheads.Infact,welookedlikeaflockof
giantfowlsroosting,onlywideawake.
Thesmilesandshiversfairlycrowdedeachotherinsomepartsofourcareer.
Suddenly,wheneverythinginterestingseemedatanend,weallrecollectedhowlongit
wassincewehadstartedonourfunnyride.Hours,wethought,andstillthehorsesran.
Nowwerodethroughquieterstreetswheretherewerefewershopsandmorewooden
houses.Stillthehorsesseemedtohavebutjuststarted.Ilookedoverourperchagain.
SomethingmademethinkofadescriptionIhadreadofcriminalsbeingcarriedonlong
journeysinuncomfortablethingslikethis?Well,itwasstrangethislong,longdrive,
theconveyance,nowordofexplanationandall,thoughgoingdifferentways,being
packedofftogether.Wewerestrangersthedriverknewit.Hemighttakeusanywhere
howcouldwetell?IwasfrightenedagainasinBerlin.Thefacesaroundmeconfessed
thesame.
Yes,wearefrightened.Weareverystill.SomePolishwomenovertherehavefallen
asleep,therestofuslooksuchapictureofwoe,andyetsofunny,itisasighttoseeand
remember.
Ourmysteriousridecametoanendontheoutskirtsofthecity,wherewewereoncemorelinedup,
crossquestioned,disinfected,labelled,andpigeonholed.Thiswasoneoftheoccasionswhenwe
suspectedthatwewerethevictimsofaconspiracytoextortmoneyfromusforhere,asatevery
repetitionofthepurifyingoperationswehadundergone,afeewasleviedonus,somuchperhead.
Mymother,indeed,seeinghertinyhoardmeltingaway,hadlongsincesoldsomearticlesfromour
baggagetoafellowpassengerricherthanshe,butevensoshedidnothaveenoughmoneytopaythe
feedemandedofherinHamburg.Herstatementwasnotaccepted,andweallsufferedthelast
indignityofhavingourpersonssearched.
Thislastplaceofdetentionturnedouttobeaprison."Quarantine"theycalledit,andtherewasagreat
dealofittwoweeksofit.Twoweekswithinhighbrickwalls,severalhundredofusherdedinhalfa
dozencompartments,numberedcompartments,sleepinginrows,likesickpeopleinahospital
withrollcallmorningandnight,andshortrationsthreetimesadaywithneverasignofthefree
worldbeyondourbarredwindowswithanxietyandlongingandhomesicknessinourhearts,andin
ourearstheunfamiliarvoiceoftheinvisibleocean,whichdrewandrepelledusatthesametime.The
fortnightinquarantinewasnotanepisodeitwasanepoch,divisibleintoeras,periods,events.
Thegreatesteventwasthearrivalofsomeshiptotakesomeofthewaitingpassengers.
Whenthegateswereopenedandtheluckyonessaidgoodbye,thoseleftbehindfelt
hopelessofeverseeingthegatesopenforthem.Itwasbothpleasantandpainful,forthe
strangersgrewtobefastfriendsinaday,andreallyrejoicedineachother'sfortunebut
theregretfulenvycouldnotbehelpedeither.
Ourturncameatlast.Wewereconductedthroughthegateofdeparture,andaftersomehoursof
bewilderingmanoeuvres,describedingreatdetailinthereporttomyuncle,wefoundourselveswe
fivefrightenedpilgrimsfromPolotzkonthedeckofagreatbigsteamshipafloatonthestrangebig
watersoftheocean.
Forsixteendaystheshipwasourworld.Myletterdwellssolemnlyonthedetailsofthelifeatsea,as
ifafraidtocheatmyuncleofthesmallestcircumstance.Itdoesnotshrinkfromdescribingthe
tormentsofseasicknessitnoteseverychangeintheweather.Aroughnightisdescribed,whenthe
shippitchedandrolledsothatpeoplewerethrownfromtheirberthsdaysandnightswhenwe
crawledthroughdensefogs,ourfoghorndrawingansweringwarningsfrominvisibleships.The
perilsoftheseawerenotminimizedintheimaginationsofusinexperiencedvoyagers.Thecaptain
andhisofficersatetheirdinners,smokedtheirpipesandsleptsoundlyintheirturns,whilewe
frightenedemigrantsturnedourfacestothewallandawaitedourwaterygraves.
Allthiswhiletheseasicknesslasted.Thencamehappyhoursondeck,withfugitivesunshine,birds
atopthecrestedwaves,bandmusicanddancingandfun.Iexploredtheship,madefriendswith
officersandcrew,orpursuedmythoughtsinquietnooks.Itwasmyfirstexperienceoftheocean,and
Iwasprofoundlymoved.
Oh,whatsolemnthoughtsIhad!HowdeeplyIfeltthegreatness,thepowerofthescene!
Theimmeasurabledistancefromhorizontohorizonthehugebillowsforeverchanging
theirshapesnowonlyawavyandrollingplain,nowachainofgreatmountains,coming
andgoingfartherawaythenatowninthedistance,perhaps,withspiresandtowersand
buildingsofgiganticdimensionsandmostlyavastmassofuncertainshapes,knocking
againsteachotherinfury,andseethingandfoamingintheirangerthegraysky,withits
mountainsofgloomyclouds,flying,movingwiththewaves,asitseemed,verynear
themtheabsenceofanyobjectbesidestheoneshipandthedeep,solemngroansofthe
sea,soundingasifallthevoicesoftheworldhadbeenturnedintosighsandthen
gatheredintothatonemournfulsoundsodeeplydidIfeelthepresenceofthesethings,
thatthefeelingbecameoneofawe,bothpainfulandsweet,andstirringandwarming,and
deepandcalmandgrand.
Iwouldimaginemyselfallaloneontheocean,andRobinsonCrusoewasveryrealtome.
Iwasalonesometimes.IwasawareofnohumanpresenceIwasconsciousonlyofsea
andskyandsomethingIdidnotunderstand.AndasIlistenedtoitssolemnvoice,Ifeltas
ifIhadfoundafriend,andknewthatIlovedtheocean.Itseemedasifitwerewithinas
wellaswithout,partofmyselfandIwonderedhowIhadlivedwithoutit,andifIcould
everpartwithit.
Andsosuffering,fearing,brooding,rejoicing,wecreptnearerandnearertothecovetedshore,until,
onagloriousMaymorning,sixweeksafterourdeparturefromPolotzk,oureyesbeheldthePromised
Land,andmyfatherreceivedusinhisarms.
CHAPTERIX
THEPROMISEDLAND
HAVINGmadesuchgoodtimeacrosstheocean,Ioughttobeabletoproceednolessrapidlyonterra
firma,where,afterall,Iammoreathome.AndyethereiswhereIfalter.NotthatIhesitated,evenfor
thespaceofabreath,inmyfirststepsinAmerica.Therewasnotimetohesitate.Themostignorant
immigrant,onlanding,proceedstogiveandreceivegreetings,toeat,sleep,andrise,afterthemanner
ofhisowncountrywhereinheiscorrected,admonished,andlaughedat,whetherbyinterested
friendsorthemostindifferentstrangersandhisAmericanexperienceisthusbegun.Theprocessis
spontaneousonallsides,liketheeducationofthechildbythefamilycircle.Butwhilethemoststupid
nurserymaidisabletocontributeherparttowardtheresult,wedonotexpectananalysisofthe
processtobefurnishedbyanymemberofthefamily,leastofallbytheengaginginfant.The
philosophicalmaidenauntalone,orsomeotherwitnessequallypsychologicalandaloof,isableto
tracethemyriadeffortsbywhichthelittleJohnnieorNellieacquiresasecureholdonthedisjointed
partsofthehugeplaything,life.
NowIwasnotexactlyaninfantwhenIwassetdown,onaMaydaysomefifteenyearsago,inthis
pleasantnurseryofAmerica.Ihadlongsinceacquiredtheuseofmyfaculties,andhadcollectedsome
bitsofexperience,practicalandemotional,andhadevenlearnedtogiveanaccountofthem.Still,I
hadverylittleperspective,andmyobservationsandcomparisonsweresuperficial.Iwastoomuch
carriedawaytoanalyzetheforcesthatweremovingme.MyPolotzkIknewwellbeforeIbeganto
judgeitandexperimentwithit.Americawasbewilderinglystrange,unimaginablycomplex,
delightfullyunexplored.Irushedimpetuouslyoutofthecageofmyprovincialismandlookedeagerly
aboutthebrilliantuniverse.Myquestionwas,Whathavewehere?not,Whatdoesthismean?That
querycamemuchlater.WhenInowbecomeretrospectivelyintrospective,Ifallintothepredicament
ofthecentipedeintherhyme,whogotalongverysmoothlyuntilhewasaskedwhichlegcameafter
which,whereuponhebecamesorattledthathecouldn'ttakeastep.IknowIhavecomeona
thousandfeet,onwings,winds,andAmericanmachines,Ihaveleapedandrunandclimbedand
crawled,buttotellwhichstepcameafterwhichIfindapuzzlingmatter.Plentyofmaidenaunts
werepresentduringmysecondinfancy,intheguiseofimmigrantofficials,schoolteachers,
settlementworkers,andsundryotherunprejudicedandcriticalobservers.TheirstatisticsImight
properlyborrowtofillthegapsinmyrecollections,butIampreventedbymysenseofharmony.The
individual,weknow,isacreatureunknowntothestatistician,whereasIundertooktogivethe
personalviewofeverything.SoIamboundtounravel,aswellasIcan,thetangleofevents,outerand
inner,whichmadeupthefirstbreathlessyearsofmyAmericanlife.
Duringhisthreeyearsofprobation,myfatherhadmadeanumberoffalsestartsinbusiness.His
historyforthatperiodisthehistoryofthousandswhocometoAmerica,likehim,withpocketsempty,
handsuntrainedtotheuseoftools,mindscrampedbycenturiesofrepressionintheirnativeland.
Dozensofthesemenpassunderyoureyeseveryday,myAmericanfriend,tooabsorbedintheir
honestaffairstonoticethelooksofsuspicionwhichyoucastatthem,therepugnancewithwhichyou
shrinkfromtheirtouch.Youseethemshufflefromdoortodoorwithabasketofspoolsandbuttons,
orbendingoverthesizzlingironsinabasementtailorshop,orrummaginginyourashcan,ormoving
apushcartfromcurbtocurb,atthecommandoftheburlypoliceman."TheJewpeddler!"yousay,
anddismisshimfromyourpremisesandfromyourthoughts,neverdreamingthatthesordiddramaof
hisdaysmayhaveamoralthatconcernsyou.Whatifthecreaturewiththeuntidybeardcarriesinhis
bosomhiscitizenshippapers?Whatifthecrossleggedtailorissupportingaboyincollegewhoisone
daygoingtomendyourstateconstitutionforyou?Whatiftheragpicker'sdaughtersarehastening
overtheoceantoteachyourchildreninthepublicschools?Think,everytimeyoupassthegreasy
alienonthestreet,thathewasbornthousandsofyearsbeforetheoldestnativeAmericanandhemay
havesomethingtocommunicatetoyou,whenyoutwoshallhavelearnedacommonlanguage.
Rememberthathisveryphysiognomyisacipherthekeytowhichitbehoovesyoutosearchformost
diligently.
Bythetimewejoinedmyfather,hehadsurveyedmanyavenuesofapproachtowardthecoveted
citadeloffortune.Oneofthese,heretoforeuntried,henowproposedtoessay,armedwithnew
courage,andcheeredonbythepresenceofhisfamily.Inpartnershipwithanenergeticlittlemanwho
hadanEnglishchapterinhishistory,hepreparedtosetuparefreshmentboothonCrescentBeach.
Butwhilehewascompletingarrangementsatthebeachweremainedintown,whereweenjoyedthe
educationaladvantagesofathicklypopulatedneighborhoodnamely,WallStreet,intheWestendof
Boston.
AnybodywhoknowsBostonknowsthattheWestandNorthEndsarethewrongendsofthatcity.
Theyformthetenementdistrict,or,inthenewerphrase,theslumsofBoston.Anybodywhois
acquaintedwiththeslumsofanyAmericanmetropolisknowsthatthatisthequarterwherepoor
immigrantsforegather,tolive,forthemostpart,asunkempt,halfwashed,toiling,unaspiring
foreignerspitifulintheeyesofsocialmissionaries,thedespairofboardsofhealth,thehopeofward
politicians,thetouchstoneofAmericandemocracy.Thewellversedmetropolitanknowstheslumsas
asortofhouseofdetentionforpooraliens,wheretheyliveonprobationtilltheycanshowa
certificateofgoodcitizenship.
HemayknowallthisandyetnotguesshowWallStreet,intheWestEnd,appearsintheeyesofa
littleimmigrantfromPolotzk.WhatwouldthesophisticatedsightseersayaboutUnionPlace,off
WallStreet,wheremynewhomewaitedforme?Hewouldsaythatitisnoplaceatall,butashort
boxofanalley.Tworowsofthreestorytenementsareitssides,astingystripofskyisitslid,a
litteredpavementisthefloor,andanarrowmouthitsexit.
ButIsawaverydifferentpictureonmyintroductiontoUnionPlace.Isawtwoimposingrowsof
brickbuildings,loftierthananydwellingIhadeverlivedin.Brickwasevenonthegroundformeto
treadon,insteadofcommonearthorboards.Manyfriendlywindowsstoodpen,filledwithuncovered
headsofwomenandchildren.Ithoughtthepeoplewereinterestedinus,whichwasveryneighborly.I
lookeduptothetopmostrowofwindows,andmyeyeswerefilledwiththeMayblueofanAmerican
sky!
InourdaysofaffluenceinRussiawehadbeenaccustomedtoupholsteredparlors,embroideredlinen,
silverspoonsandcandlesticks,gobletsofgold,kitchenshelvesshiningwithcopperandbrass.Wehad
featherbedsheapedhalfwaytotheceilingwehadclothespressesduskywithvelvetandsilkandfine
woollen.Thethreesmallroomsintowhichmyfathernowusheredus,uponeflightofstairs,
containedonlythenecessarybeds,withleanmattressesafewwoodenchairsatableortwoa
mysteriousironstructure,whichlaterturnedouttobeastoveacoupleofunornamentalkerosene
lampsandascantyarrayofcookingutensilsandcrockery.Andyetwewereallimpressedwithour
newhomeanditsfurniture.Itwasnotonlybecausewehadjustpassedthroughoursevenleanyears,
cookinginearthenvessels,eatingblackbreadonholidaysandwearingcottonitwaschieflybecause
thesewoodenchairsandtinpanswereAmericanchairsandpansthattheyshonegloriousinoureyes.
Andiftherewasanythinglackingforcomfortordecorationweexpectedittobepresentlysupplied
atleast,wechildrendid.Perhapsmymotheralone,ofusnewcomers,appreciatedtheshabbinessof
thelittleapartment,andrealizedthatforhertherewasasyetnolayingdownoftheburdenofpoverty.
UNIONPLACE(BOSTON)WHEREMYNEWHOMEWAITEDFORME
OurinitiationintoAmericanwaysbeganwiththefirststeponthenewsoil.Myfatherfoundoccasion
toinstructorcorrectusevenonthewayfromthepiertoWallStreet,whichjourneywemade
crowdedtogetherinaricketycab.Hetoldusnottoleanoutofthewindows,nottopoint,and
explainedtheword"greenhorn."Wedidnotwanttobe"greenhorns,"andgavethestrictestattention
tomyfather'sinstructions.Idonotknowwhenmyparentsfoundopportunitytoreviewtogetherthe
historyofPolotzkinthethreeyearspast,forwechildrenhadnopatiencewiththesubjectmy
mother'snarrativewasconstantlyinterruptedbyirrelevantquestions,interjections,andexplanations.
Thefirstmealwasanobjectlessonofmuchvariety.Myfatherproducedseveralkindsoffood,ready
toeat,withoutanycooking,fromlittletincansthathadprintingalloverthem.Heattemptedto
introduceustoaqueer,slipperykindoffruit,whichhecalled"banana,"buthadtogiveitupforthe
timebeing.Afterthemeal,hehadbetterluckwithacuriouspieceoffurnitureonrunners,whichhe
called"rockingchair."Therewerefiveofusnewcomers,andwefoundfivedifferentwaysofgetting
intotheAmericanmachineofperpetualmotion,andasmanywaysofgettingoutofit.Onebornand
bredtotheuseofarockingchaircannotimaginehowludicrouspeoplecanmakethemselveswhen
attemptingtouseitforthefirsttime.Welaughedimmoderatelyoverourvariousexperimentswiththe
novelty,whichwasawholesomewayoflettingoffsteamaftertheunusualexcitementoftheday.
Inourflatwedidnotthinkofsuchathingasstoringthecoalinthebathtub.Therewasnobathtub.So
intheeveningofthefirstdaymyfatherconductedustothepublicbaths.Aswemovedalongina
littleprocession,Iwasdelightedwiththeilluminationofthestreets.Somanylamps,andtheyburned
untilmorning,myfathersaid,andsopeopledidnotneedtocarrylanterns.InAmerica,then,
everythingwasfree,aswehadheardinRussia.Lightwasfreethestreetswereasbrightasa
synagogueonaholyday.Musicwasfreewehadbeenserenaded,toourgapingdelight,byabrass
bandofmanypieces,soonafterourinstallationonUnionPlace.
Educationwasfree.Thatsubjectmyfatherhadwrittenaboutrepeatedly,ascomprisinghischiefhope
foruschildren,theessenceofAmericanopportunity,thetreasurethatnothiefcouldtouch,noteven
misfortuneorpoverty.Itwastheonethingthathewasabletopromiseuswhenhesentforussurer,
saferthanbreadorshelter.OnourseconddayIwasthrilledwiththerealizationofwhatthisfreedom
ofeducationmeant.Alittlegirlfromacrossthealleycameandofferedtoconductustoschool.My
fatherwasout,butwefivebetweenushadafewwordsofEnglishbythistime.Weknewtheword
school.Weunderstood.Thischild,whohadneverseenustillyesterday,whocouldnotpronounceour
names,whowasnotmuchbetterdressedthanwe,wasabletoofferusthefreedomoftheschoolsof
Boston!Noapplicationmade,noquestionsasked,noexaminations,rulings,exclusionsno
machinations,nofees.Thedoorsstoodopenforeveryoneofus.Thesmallestchildcouldshowusthe
way.
ThisincidentimpressedmemorethananythingIhadheardinadvanceofthefreedomofeducationin
America.Itwasaconcreteproofalmostthethingitself.Onehadtoexperienceittounderstandit.
Itwasagreatdisappointmenttobetoldbymyfatherthatwewerenottoenteruponourschoolcareer
atonce.Itwastooneartheendoftheterm,hesaid,andweweregoingtomovetoCrescentBeachin
aweekorso.WehadtowaituntiltheopeningoftheschoolsinSeptember.Whatalossofprecious
timefromMaytillSeptember!
Notthatthetimewaslost.EventheintervalonUnionPlacewascrowdedwithlessonsand
experiences.WehadtovisitthestoresandbedressedfromheadtofootinAmericanclothingwehad
tolearnthemysteriesoftheironstove,thewashboard,andthespeakingtubewehadtolearntotrade
withthefruitpeddlerthroughthewindow,andnotbeafraidofthepolicemanandaboveall,wehad
tolearnEnglish.
Thekindpeoplewhoassistedusintheseimportantmattersformagroupbythemselvesinthegallery
ofmyfriends.IfIhadneverseenthemfromthoseearlydaystillnow,Ishouldstillhaveremembered
themwithgratitude.WhenIenumeratethelonglistofmyAmericanteachers,Imustbeginwiththose
whocametousonWallStreetandtaughtusourfirststeps.Tomymother,inherperplexityoverthe
cookstove,thewomanwhoshowedherhowtomakethefirewasanangelofdeliverance.Afairy
godmothertouschildrenwasshewholedustoawonderfulcountrycalled"uptown,"where,ina
dazzlinglybeautifulpalacecalleda"departmentstore,"weexchangedourhatefulhomemade
Europeancostumes,whichpointedusoutas"greenhorns"tothechildrenonthestreet,forreal
Americanmachinemadegarments,andissuedforthglorifiedineachother'seyes.
WithourdespisedimmigrantclothingweshedalsoourimpossibleHebrewnames.Acommitteeof
ourfriends,severalyearsaheadofusinAmericanexperience,puttheirheadstogetherandconcocted
Americannamesforusall.ThoseofourrealnamesthathadnopleasingAmericanequivalentsthey
ruthlesslydiscarded,contentiftheyretainedtheinitials.Mymother,possessinganamethatwasnot
easilytranslatable,waspunishedwiththeundignifiednicknameofAnnie.Fetchke,Joseph,and
DeborahissuedasFrieda,Joseph,andDora,respectively.Asforpoorme,Iwassimplycheated.The
nametheygavemewashardlynew.MyHebrewnamebeingMaryasheinfull,Mashkeforshort,
RussianizedintoMarya(Marya),myfriendssaidthatitwouldholdgoodinEnglishasMarywhich
wasverydisappointing,asIlongedtopossessastrangesoundingAmericannameliketheothers.
IamforgettingtheconsolationIhad,inthismatterofnames,fromtheuseofmysurname,whichI
havehadnooccasiontomentionuntilnow.Ifoundonmyarrivalthatmyfatherwas"Mr.Antin"on
theslightestprovocationandnot,asinPolotzk,onstateoccasionsalone.AndsoIwas"MaryAntin,"
andIfeltveryimportanttoanswertosuchadignifiedtitle.ItwasjustlikeAmericathatevenplain
peopleshouldweartheirsurnamesonweekdays.
Asafamilyweweresodiligentunderinstruction,soadaptable,andsocleverinhidingour
deficiencies,thatwhenwemadethejourneytoCrescentBeach,inthewakeofoursmallwagonload
ofhouseholdgoods,myfatherhadverylittleoccasiontoadmonishusontheway,andIamsurehe
wasnotashamedofus.SomuchwehadachievedtowardourAmericanizationduringthetwoweeks
sinceourlanding.
CrescentBeachisanamethatisprintedinverysmalltypeonthemapsoftheenvironsofBoston,but
alifesizestripofsandcurvesfromWinthroptoLynnandthatishistoricgroundintheannalsofmy
family.Theplaceisnowapopularresortforholidaycrowds,andisfamousunderthenameofRevere
Beach.WhenthereunitedAntinsmadetheirstandthere,however,therewerenoboulevards,no
statelybathhouses,nohotels,nogaudyamusementplaces,noilluminations,noshowmen,notawdry
rabble.Therewasonlythebrightcleansweepofsand,thesummersea,andthesummersky.Athigh
tidethewholeAtlanticrushedin,tossingtheseaweedsinhismaneatlowtideherushedout,
growlingandgnashinghisgraniteteeth.Betweentidesababymightplayonthebeach,diggingwith
pebblesandshells,tillitlayasleeponthesand.Thewholesunshonebyday,troopsofstarsbynight,
andthegreatmooninitsseason.
IntothisgrandcycleoftheseasidedayIcametoliveandlearnandplay.Afewpeoplecamewithme,
asIhavealreadyintimatedbutthemainthingwasthatIcametoliveontheedgeoftheseaI,who
hadspentmylifeinland,believingthatthegreatwatersoftheworldwerespreadoutbeforemeinthe
Dvina.Myideaofthehumanworldhadgrownenormouslyduringthelongjourneymyideaofthe
earthhadexpandedwitheverydayatseamyideaoftheworldoutsidetheearthnowbuddedand
swelledduringmyprolongedexperienceofthewideandunobstructedheavens.
NotthatIgotanyinklingoftheconceptionofamultipleworld.Ihadhadnolessonsincosmogony,
andIhadnospontaneousrevelationofthetruepositionoftheearthintheuniverse.Forme,asformy
fathers,thesunsetandrose,andIdidnotfeeltheearthrushingthroughspace.ButIlaystretchedout
inthesun,myeyeslevelwiththesea,tillIseemedtobeabsorbedbodilybytheverymaterialsofthe
worldaroundmetillIcouldnotfeelmyhandasseparatefromthewarmsandinwhichitwasburied.
OrIcrouchedonthebeachatfullmoon,wondering,wondering,betweenthetwosplendorsofthesky
andthesea.OrIranouttomeettheincomingstorm,myfacefullinthewind,mybeingatinglewith
anawesomedelighttothetipsofmyfogmattedlocksflyingbehindandstoodclingingtosomestake
orupturnedboat,shakenbytheroarandrumbleofthewaves.Soclinging,IpretendedthatIwasin
danger,andwasdeliciouslyfrightenedIheldonwithbothhands,andshookmyhead,exultinginthe
tumultaroundme,equallyreadytolaughorsob.OrelseIsat,onthestillestdays,withmybacktothe
sea,notlookingatall,butjustlisteningtotherustleofthewavesonthesandnotthinkingatall,but
justbreathingwiththesea.
Thuscourtingtheinfluenceofseaandskyandvariableweather,Iwasboundtohavedreams,hints,
imaginings.Itwasnomorethanthis,perhaps:thattheworldasIknewitwasnotlargeenoughto
containallthatIsawandfeltthatthethoughtsthatflashedthroughmymind,nothalfunderstood,
unrelatedtomyutterablethoughts,concernedsomethingforwhichIhadasyetnoname.Every
imaginativegrowingchildhastheseflashesofintuition,especiallyonethatbecomesintimatewith
someoneaspectofnature.Withmeitwasthegrowingtime,thatidlesummerbythesea,andIgrew
allthefasterbecauseIhadbeensocrampedbefore.Mymind,too,hadsorecentlybeenworkedupon
bytheimpressiveexperienceofachangeofcountrythatIwasmorethancommonlyaliveto
impressions,whicharetheseedsofideas.
LetnoonesupposethatIspentmytimeentirely,orevenchiefly,ininspiredsolitude.Byfarthebest
partofmydaywasspentinplayfrank,hearty,boisterousplay,suchascomesnaturaltoAmerican
children.InPolotzkIhadalreadybeguntobeconsideredtoooldforplay,exceptingsetgamesor
organizedfrolics.HereIfoundmyselfincludedwithchildrenwhostillplayed,andIwillingly
returnedtochildhood.Therewereplentyofplayfellows.Myfather'senergeticlittlepartnerhadalittle
wifeandalargefamily.Hekepttheminthelittlecottagenexttooursandthattheshantysurvived
thetumultuouspresenceofthatbroodisawondertometoday.TheyoungWilnersincludedan
assortmentofboys,girls,andtwins,ofeverypossiblevarietyofage,size,disposition,andsex.They
swarmedinandoutofthecottagealldaylong,wearingthedoorsillhollow,andtramplingtheground
topowder.Theyswungoutofwindowslikemonkeys,sliduptherooflikeflies,andshotoutoftrees
likefowls.Evenasmallpersonlikemecouldn'tgoanywherewithoutbeingrunoverbyaWilnerand
IcouldnevertellwhichWilneritwasbecausenoneofthemeverstoodstilllongenoughtobe
identifiedandalsobecauseIsuspectedthattheywereinthehabitofinterchangingconspicuous
articlesofclothing,whichwasveryconfusing.
Youwouldsupposethatthelittlemothermusthavebeenutterlylost,bewildered,troddendowninthis
hordeofurchinsbutyouaremistaken.Mrs.Wilnerwasapositivelymajesticlittleperson.Sheruled
herbroodwiththeutmostcoolnessandstrictness.Shehadeventhebiggestboyunderherthumb,
frequentlyunderherpalm.Iftheyenjoyedthewildestfreedomoutdoors,indoorstheyoungWilners
livedbytheclock.Andsoatfiveo'clockintheevening,onsevendaysintheweek,myfather's
partner'schildrencouldbeseenintwolongrowsaroundthesuppertable.Youcouldtellthemapart
onthisoccasion,becausetheyallhadtheirfaceswashed.Andthisisthetimetocountthem:thereare
twelvelittleWilnersattable.
Imanagedtoretainmyidentityinthismultitudesomehow,andwhileIwasverymuchimpressed
withtheirnumbers,IevendaredtopickandchoosemyfriendsamongtheWilners.Oneortwoofthe
smallerboysIlikedbestofall,foragameofhideandseekorafroliconthebeach.Weplayedinthe
waterlikeducks,nevertakingthetroubletogetdry.OnedayIwadedoutwithoneoftheboys,tosee
whichofusdaredgofarthest.Thetidewasextremelylow,andwehadnotwetourkneeswhenwe
begantolookbacktoseeiffamiliarobjectswerestillinsight.Ithoughtwehadbeenwadingfor
hours,andstillthewaterwassoshallowandquiet.Mycompanionwasmarchingstraightahead,soI
didthesame.Suddenlyaswellliftedusalmostoffourfeet,andweclutchedateachother
simultaneously.Therewasalesserswell,andlittlewavesbegantorun,andasighwentupfromthe
sea.Thetidewasturningperhapsastormwasonthewayandweweremiles,dreadfulmilesfrom
dryland.
Boyandgirlturnedwithoutaword,fourdeterminedbarelegsploughingthroughthewater,four
scaredeyesstrainingtowardtheland.Throughaneternityoftoilandfeartheykeptdumblyon,death
attheirheels,pridestillintheirhearts.Atlasttheyreachhighwatermarksixhoursbeforefulltide.
Eachhasseentheotherafraid,andeachrejoicesintheknowledge.Butonlytheboyissureofhis
tongue
"Youwasscared,warn'tyou?"hetaunts.
Thegirlunderstandssomuch,andisabletoreply:
"Youcanschwimmen,Inot."
"BetcherlifeIcanschwimmen,"theothermocks.
Andthegirlwalksoff,angryandhurt.
"An'Icanwalkonmyhands,"thetormentorcallsafterher."Say,yougreenhorn,whydon'tcher
look?"
Thegirlkeepsstraighton,vowingthatshewouldneverwalkwiththatrudeboyagain,neitherbyland
norsea,noteventhoughthewatersshouldpartathisbidding.
IamforgettingthemoreseriousbusinesswhichhadbroughtustoCrescentBeach.Whilewechildren
disportedourselveslikemermaidsandmermeninthesurf,ourrespectivefathersdispensedcold
lemonade,hotpeanuts,andpinkpopcorn,andpiledupourrespectivefortunes,nickelbynickel,
pennybypenny.Iwasveryproudofmyconnectionwiththepubliclifeofthebeach.Iadmired
greatlyourshiningsodafountain,therowsofsparklingglasses,thepyramidsoforanges,thesausage
chains,theneatwhitecounter,andthebrightarrayoftinspoons.Itseemedtomethatnoneofthe
otherrefreshmentstandsonthebeachtherewereafewwerehalfsoattractiveasours.Ithought
myfatherlookedverywellinalongwhiteapronandshirtsleeves.Hedishedouticecreamwith
enthusiasm,soIsupposedhewasgettingrich.Itneveroccurredtometocomparehispresent
occupationwiththepositionforwhichhehadbeenoriginallydestinedorifIthoughtaboutit,Iwas
justaswellcontent,forbythistimeIhadbyheartmyfather'ssaying,"AmericaisnotPolotzk."All
occupationswererespectable,allmenwereequal,inAmerica.
IfIadmiredthesodafountainandthesausagechains,Ialmostworshippedthepartner,Mr.Wilner.I
wascontenttostandforanhouratatimewatchinghimmakepotatochips.Inhiscook'scapand
apron,withaladleinhishandandasmileonhisface,hemovedaboutwiththegreatestagility,
whiskinghisrawmaterialsoutofnowhere,dippingintohisbubblingkettlewithaflourish,and
bringingforththefinishedproductwithacaper.Suchpotatochipswerenottobehadanywhereelse
onCrescentBeach.Thinastissuepaper,crispasdrysnow,andsaltastheseasuchthirstproducing,
lemonadeselling,nickelbringingpotatochipsonlyMr.Wilnercouldmake.Onholidays,when
dozensoffamilypartiescameoutbyeverytrainfromtown,hecouldhardlykeepupwiththedemand
forhispotatochips.Andwithawaitingcrowdaroundhimourpartnerwasathisbest.Hewasas
volubleashewasskilful,andaswittyashewasvolubleatleastsoIguessedfromthelaughterthat
frequentlydrownedhisvoice.Icouldnotunderstandhisjokes,butifIcouldgetnearenoughtowatch
hislipsandhissmileandhismerryeyes,Iwashappy.Thatanyonecouldtalksofast,andinEnglish,
wasmarvelenough,butthatthisprodigyshouldbelongtoourestablishmentwasafacttothrillme.I
hadneverseenanythinglikeMr.Wilner,exceptaweddingjesterbutthenhespokecommon
Yiddish.SoproudwasIofthetalentandgoodtastedisplayedatourstandthatifmyfatherbeckoned
tomeinthecrowdandsentmeonanerrand,IhopedthepeoplenoticedthatI,too,wasconnected
withtheestablishment.
Andallthissplendorandgloryanddistinctioncametoasuddenend.Therewassometroubleabouta
licensesomefeeorfinetherewasastorminthenightthatdamagedthesodafountainandother
fixturestherewastalkandconsultationbetweenthehousesofAntinandWilnerandthepromising
partnershipwasdissolved.Nomorewouldthemerrypartnergatherthecrowdonthebeachnomore
wouldthetwelveyoungWilnersgambollikemermenandmermaidsinthesurf.Andtheless
numeroustribeofAntinmustalsosayfarewelltothejollyseasidelifeformeninsuchhumble
businessasmyfather'scarrytheirfamilies,alongwiththeirotherearthlygoods,wherevertheygo,
afterthemannerofthegypsies.Wehaddrivenafeeblestakeintothesand.ThejealousAtlantic,in
conspiracywiththeSundaylaw,hadtornitout.Wemustseekourluckelsewhere.
InPolotzkwehadsupposedthat"America"waspracticallysynonymouswith"Boston."Whenwe
landedinBoston,thehorizonwaspushedback,andweannexedCrescentBeach.Andnow,espying
otherlandsofpromise,wetookpossessionoftheprovinceofChelsea,inthenameofournecessity.
InChelsea,asinBoston,wemadeourstandinthewrongendofthetown.ArlingtonStreetwas
inhabitedbypoorJews,poorNegroes,andasprinklingofpoorIrish.Thesidestreetsleadingfromit
wereoccupiedbymorepoorJewsandNegroes.Itwasaproperlocalityforamanwithoutcapitalto
dobusiness.Myfatherrentedatenementwithastoreinthebasement.Heputinafewbarrelsofflour
andofsugar,afewboxesofcrackers,afewgallonsofkerosene,anassortmentofsoapofthe"save
thecoupon"brandsinthecellar,afewbarrelsofpotatoes,andapyramidofkindlingwoodinthe
showcase,analluringdisplayofpennycandy.Heputouthissign,withagiltletteredwarningof
"StrictlyCash,"andproceededtogivecreditindiscriminately.Thatwastheregularwaytodo
businessonArlingtonStreet.Myfather,inhisthreeyears'apprenticeship,hadlearnedthetricksof
manytrades.Heknewwhenandhowto"bluff."Thelegendof"StrictlyCash"wasaprotection
againstnotoriouslyirresponsiblecustomerswhilenoneofthe"good"customers,whohadarecordfor
payingregularlyonSaturday,hesitatedtoenterthestorewithemptypurses.
Ifmyfatherknewthetricksofthetrade,mymothercouldbecountedontothrowallhertalentand
tactintothebusiness.OfcourseshehadnoEnglishyet,butasshecouldperformtheactsofweighing,
measuring,andmentalcomputationoffractionsmechanically,shewasabletogiveherwhole
attentiontothedarkmysteriesofthelanguage,asintercoursewithhercustomersgaveher
opportunity.Inthisshemadesuchrapidprogressthatshesoonlostallsenseofdisadvantage,and
conductedherselfbehindthecounterverymuchasifshewerebackinheroldstoreinPolotzk.Itwas
farmorecoseythatPolotzkatleast,soitseemedtomeforbehindthestorewasthekitchen,where,
intheintervalsofslacktrade,shedidhercookingandwashing.ArlingtonStreetcustomerswereused
towaitingwhilethestorekeepersaltedthesouporrescuedaloaffromtheoven.
OncemoreFortunefavoredmyfamilywithathinlittlesmile,andmyfather,inreplytoafriendly
inquiry,wouldsay,"Onemakesaliving,"withashrugoftheshouldersthatadded"butnothingto
boastof."Itwascharacteristicofmyattitudetowardbreadandbuttermattersthatthiscontentedme,
andIfeltfreetodevotemyselftotheconquestofmynewworld.Lookingbacktothosecriticalfirst
years,Iseemyselfalwaysbehavinglikeachildletlooseinagardentoplayanddigandchasethe
butterflies.Occasionally,indeed,IwasstungbythewaspoffamilytroublebutIknewahealing
ointmentmyfaithinAmerica.MyfatherhadcometoAmericatomakealiving.America,which
wasfreeandfairandkind,mustpresentlyyieldhimwhathesought.IhadcometoAmericatoseea
newworld,andIfollowedmyownendswiththeutmostassiduityonly,asIranouttoexplore,I
wouldlookbacktoseeifmyhousewereinorderbehindmeifmyfamilystillkeptitsheadabove
water.
Inafteryears,whenIpassedasanAmericanamongAmericans,ifIwassuddenlymadeawareofthe
pastthatlayforgotten,ifaletterfromRussia,oraparagraphinthenewspaper,oraconversation
overheardinthestreetcar,suddenlyremindedmeofwhatImighthavebeen,Ithoughtitmiracle
enoughthatI,Mashke,thegranddaughterofRaphaeltheRussian,borntoahumbledestiny,shouldbe
athomeinanAmericanmetropolis,befreetofashionmyownlife,andshoulddreammydreamsin
Englishphrases.Butinthebeginningmyadmirationwasspentonmoreconcreteembodimentsofthe
splendorsofAmericasuchasfinehouses,gayshops,electricenginesandapparatus,publicbuildings,
illuminations,andparades.MyearlyletterstomyRussianfriendswerefilledwithboastful
descriptionsofthesegloriesofmynewcountry.NonativecitizenofChelseatooksuchprideand
delightinitsinstitutionsasIdid.Itrequirednofifeanddrumcorps,noFourthofJulyprocession,to
setmetinglingwithpatriotism.Eventhecommonagentsandinstrumentsofmunicipallife,suchas
thelettercarrierandthefireengine,Iregardedwithameasureofrespect.IknowwhatIthoughtof
peoplewhosaidthatChelseawasaverysmall,dull,unaspiringtown,withnodiscernibleexcusefora
separatenameorexistence.
TheapexofmycivicprideandpersonalcontentmentwasreachedonthebrightSeptembermorning
whenIenteredthepublicschool.ThatdayImustalwaysremember,evenifIlivetobesooldthatI
cannottellmyname.Tomostpeopletheirfirstdayatschoolisamemorableoccasion.Inmycasethe
importanceofthedaywasahundredtimesmagnified,onaccountoftheyearsIhadwaited,theroadI
hadcome,andtheconsciousambitionsIentertained.
IamwearilyawarethatIamspeakinginextremefigures,insuperlatives.IwishIknewsomeother
waytorenderthementallifeoftheimmigrantchildofreasoningage.Imayhavebeeneversomuch
anexceptioninacutenessofobservation,powersofcomparison,andabnormalselfconsciousness
nonethelessweremythoughtsandconducttypicaloftheattitudeoftheintelligentimmigrantchild
towardAmericaninstitutions.Andwhatthechildthinksandfeelsisareflectionofthehopes,desires,
andpurposesoftheparentswhobroughthimoverseas,nomatterhowprecociousandindependentthe
childmaybe.Yourimmigrantinspectorswilltellyouwhatpovertytheforeignerbringsinhis
baggage,whatwantinhispockets.Lettheovergrownboyoftwelve,reverentlydrawinghislettersin
thebabyclass,testifytothenobledreamsandhighidealsthatmaybehiddenbeneaththegreasy
caftanoftheimmigrant.SpeakingfortheJews,atleast,IknowIamsafeininvitingsuchan
investigation.
Whoweremycompanionsonmyfirstdayatschool?Whosehandwasinmine,asIstood,overcome
withawe,bytheteacher'sdesk,andwhisperedmynameasmyfatherprompted?WasitFrieda's
steady,capablehand?Wasitherloyalheartthatthrobbed,beatforbeatwithmine,asithaddone
throughallourchildishadventures?Frieda'sheartdidthrobthatday,butnotwithmyemotions.My
heartpulsedwithjoyandprideandambitioninherheartlongingfoughtwithabnegation.ForIwas
ledtotheschoolroom,withitssunshineanditssingingandtheteacher'scheerysmilewhileshewas
ledtotheworkshop,withitsfoulair,carelinedfaces,andtheforeman'ssterncommand.Ourgoingto
schoolwasthefulfilmentofmyfather'sbestpromisestous,andFrieda'sshareinitwastofashionand
fitthecalicofrocksinwhichthebabysisterandImadeourfirstappearanceinapublicschoolroom.
Iremembertothisdaythegraypatternofthecalico,soaffectionatelydidIregarditasithungupon
thewallmyconsecrationrobeawaitingthebeatificday.AndFrieda,Iamsure,remembersit,too,
solonginglydidsheregarditasthecrisp,starchybreadthsofitslidbetweenherfingers.Butwhatever
wereherlongings,shesaidnothingofthemshebentoverthesewingmachinehumminganOld
Worldmelody.Ineverystraight,smoothseam,perhaps,shetuckedawaysomelingeringimpulseof
childhoodbutshematchedthescrollsandflowerswiththeutmostcare.Ifasuddenshockof
rebellionmadeherstraightenupforaninstant,thenextinstantshewasbendingtoadjustaruffleto
thebestadvantage.Andwhenthemomentousdayarrived,andthelittlesisterandIstooduptobe
arrayed,itwasFriedaherselfwhopattedandsmoothedmystiffnewcalicowhomademeturnround
andround,toseethatIwasperfectwhostoopedtopulloutadisfiguringbastingthread.Iftherewas
anythinginherheartbesidessisterlyloveandprideandgoodwill,aswepartedthatmorning,itwasa
senseoflossandawoman'sacquiescenceinherfateforwehadbeenclosefriends,andnowour
wayswouldlieapart.Longingshefelt,butnoenvy.Shedidnotgrudgemewhatshewasdenied.
Untilthatmorningwehadbeenchildrentogether,butnow,atthefiatofherdestiny,shebecamea
woman,withallawoman'scareswhilstI,solittleyoungerthatshe,wasbiddentodanceattheMay
festivalofuntroubledchildhood.
Iwish,formycomfort,thatIcouldsaythatIhadsomenotionofthedifferenceinourlots,some
senseoftheinjusticetoher,oftheindulgencetome.IwishIcouldevensaythatIgaveserious
thoughttothematter.Therehadalwaysbeenadistinctionbetweenusratheroutofproportiontothe
differenceinouryears.Hergoodhealthanddomesticinstinctshadmadeitnaturalforhertobecome
mymother'srighthand,intheyearsprecedingtheemigration,whentherewerenomoreservantsor
dependents.ThentherewasthefamilytraditionthatMarywasthequicker,thebrighterofthetwo,
andthatherscouldbenocommonlot.Friedawasrelieduponforhelp,andhersisterforglory.And
whenIfailedasamilliner'sapprentice,whileFriedamadeexcellentprogressatthedressmaker's,our
fates,indeed,weresealed.Itwasunderstood,evenbeforewereachedBoston,thatshewouldgoto
workandItoschool.Inviewofthefamilyprejudices,itwastheinevitablecourse.Noinjusticewas
intended.Myfathersentushandinhandtoschool,beforehehadeverthoughtofAmerica.If,in
America,hehadbeenabletosupporthisfamilyunaided,itwouldhavebeentheculminationofhis
besthopestoseeallhischildrenatschool,withequaladvantagesathome.Butwhenhehaddonehis
best,andwasstillunabletoprovideevenbreadandshelterforusall,hewascompelledtomakeus
childrenselfsupportingasfastasitwaspracticable.TherewasnochoosingpossibleFriedawasthe
oldest,thestrongest,thebestprepared,andtheonlyonewhowasoflegalagetobeputtowork.
Myfatherhasnothingtoanswerfor.Hedividedtheworldbetweenhischildreninaccordancewith
thelawsofthecountryandthecompulsionofhiscircumstances.Ihavenoneedofdefendinghim.It
ismyselfthatIwouldliketodefend,andIcannot.IrememberthatIacceptedthearrangementsmade
formysisterandmewithoutmuchreflection,andeverythingthatwasplannedformyadvantageI
tookasamatterofcourse.Iwasnoheartlessmonster,butadecidedlyselfcentredchild.Ifmysister
hadseemedunhappyitwouldhavetroubledmebutIamashamedtorecallthatIdidnotconsider
howlittleitwasthatcontentedher.IwassopreoccupiedwithmyownhappinessthatIdidnothalf
perceivethesplendiddevotionofherattitudetowardsme,thesweetnessofherjoyinmygoodluck.
ShenotonlystoodbyapprovinglywhenIwashelpedtoeverythingshecheerfullywaitedonme
herself.AndItookeverythingfromherhandasifitweremydue.
ThetwoofusstoodamomentinthedoorwayofthetenementhouseonArlingtonStreet,that
wonderfulSeptembermorningwhenIfirstwenttoschool.ItwasIthatranaway,onwingedfeetof
joyandexpectationitwasshewhosefeetwereboundinthetreadmillofdailytoil.AndIwasso
blindthatIdidnotseethattheglorylayonher,andnotonme.
Fatherhimselfconductedustoschool.HewouldnothavedelegatedthatmissiontothePresidentof
theUnitedStates.Hehadawaitedthedaywithimpatienceequaltomine,andthevisionshesawashe
hurriedusoverthesunfleckedpavementstranscendedallmydreams.Almosthisfirstactonlanding
onAmericansoil,threeyearsbefore,hadbeenhisapplicationfornaturalization.Hehadtakenthe
remainingstepsintheprocesswitheagerpromptness,andattheearliestmomentallowedbythelaw,
hebecameacitizenoftheUnitedStates.Itistruethathehadlefthomeinsearchofbreadforhis
hungryfamily,buthewentblessingthenecessitythatdrovehimtoAmerica.Theboastedfreedomof
theNewWorldmeanttohimfarmorethantherighttoreside,travel,andworkwhereverhepleased
itmeantthefreedomtospeakhisthoughts,tothrowofftheshacklesofsuperstition,totesthisown
fate,unhinderedbypoliticalorreligioustyranny.Hewasonlyayoungmanwhenhelandedthirty
twoandmostofhislifehehadbeenheldinleadingstrings.Hewashungryforhisuntasted
manhood.
Threeyearspassedinsordidstruggleanddisappointment.Hewasnotpreparedtomakealivingeven
inAmerica,wherethedaylaborereatswheatinsteadofrye.ApparentlytheAmericanflagcouldnot
protecthimagainstthepursuingNemesisofhislimitationshemustexpiatethesinsofhisfathers
whosleptacrosstheseas.Hehadbeenendowedatbirthwithapoorconstitution,anervous,restless
temperament,andanabundanceofhinderingprejudices.Inhisboyhoodhisbodywasstarved,thathis
mindmightbestuffedwithuselesslearning.Inhisyouththisdearlygottenlearningwassold,andthe
pricewasthebreadandsaltwhichhehadnotbeentrainedtoearnforhimself.Underthewedding
canopyhewasboundforlifetoagirlwhosefeatureswerestillstrangetohimandhewasbiddento
multiplyhimself,thatsacredlearningmightbeperpetuatedinhissons,tothegloryoftheGodofhis
fathers.Allthiswhilehehadbeenledaboutasacreaturewithoutawill,achattel,aninstrument.In
hismaturityheawoke,andfoundhimselfpoorinhealth,poorinpurse,poorinusefulknowledge,and
hamperedonallsides.Atthefirstnodofopportunityhebrokeawayfromhisprison,andstroveto
atoneforhiswastedyouthbyalifeofusefullaborwhileatthesametimehesoughttolightenthe
gloomofhisnarrowscholarshipbyfreelypartakingofmodernideas.Buthisutmostendeavorstill
lefthimfarfromhisgoal.Inbusiness,nothingprosperedwithhim.Somefaultofhandormindor
temperamentledhimtofailurewhereothermenfoundsuccess.Wherevertheblameforhis
disabilitiesbeplaced,hereapedtheirbitterfruit."Givemebread!"hecriedtoAmerica."Whatwill
youdotoearnit?"thechallengecameback.Andhefoundthathewasmasterofnoart,ofnotrade
thatevenhispreciouslearningwasofnoavail,becausehehadonlythemostantiquatedmethodsof
communicatingit.
Soinhisprimaryquesthehadfailed.Therewaslefthimthecompensationofintellectualfreedom.
Thathesoughttorealizeineverypossibleway.Hehadverylittleopportunitytoprosecutehis
education,which,intruth,hadneverbeenbegun.Hisstruggleforabarelivinglefthimnotimeto
takeadvantageofthepubliceveningschoolbuthelostnothingofwhatwastobelearnedthrough
reading,throughattendanceatpublicmeetings,throughexercisingtherightsofcitizenship.Evenhere
hewashinderedbyanaturalinabilitytoacquiretheEnglishlanguage.Intime,indeed,helearnedto
read,tofollowaconversationorlecturebutheneverlearnedtowritecorrectly,andhispronunciation
remainsextremelyforeigntothisday.
Ifeducation,culture,thehigherlifewereshiningthingstobeworshippedfromafar,hehadstilla
meansleftwherebyhecoulddrawonestepnearertothem.Hecouldsendhischildrentoschool,to
learnallthosethingsthatheknewbyfametobedesirable.Thecommonschool,atleast,perhapshigh
schoolforoneortwo,perhapsevencollege!Hischildrenshouldbestudents,shouldfillhishouse
withbooksandintellectualcompanyandthushewouldwalkbyproxyintheElysianFieldsofliberal
learning.Asforthechildrenthemselves,heknewnosurerwaytotheiradvancementandhappiness.
Soitwaswithaheartfulloflongingandhopethatmyfatherledustoschoolonthatfirstday.He
tooklongstridesinhiseagerness,therestofusrunningandhoppingtokeepup.
Atlastthefourofusstoodaroundtheteacher'sdeskandmyfather,inhisimpossibleEnglish,gave
usoverinhercharge,withsomebrokenwordofhishopesforusthathisswellingheartcouldno
longercontain.IventuretosaythatMissNixonwasstruckbysomethinguncommoninthegroupwe
made,somethingoutsideofSemiticfeaturesandtheabashedmannerofthealien.Mylittlesisterwas
asprettyasadoll,withherclearpinkandwhiteface,shortgoldencurls,andeyeslikeblueviolets
whenyoucaughtthemlookingup.Mybrothermighthavebeenagirl,too,withhischerubiccontours
offace,richredcolor,glossyblackhair,andfineeyebrows.Whateversecretfearswereinhisheart,
rememberinghisformerteachers,whohadtaughtwiththerod,hestoodupstraightanduncringing
beforetheAmericanteacher,hiscaprespectfullydoffed.Nexttohimstoodastarvedlookinggirl
witheyesreadytopopout,andshortdarkcurlsthatwouldnothavemademuchofawigforaJewish
bride.
Allthreechildrencarriedthemselvesratherbetterthanthecommonrunof"green"pupilsthatwere
broughttoMissNixon.Butthefigurethatchallengedattentiontothegroupwasthetall,straight
father,withhisearnestfaceandfineforehead,nervoushandseloquentingesture,andavoicefullof
feeling.Thisforeigner,whobroughthischildrentoschoolasifitwereanactofconsecration,who
regardedtheteacheroftheprimerclasswithreverence,whospokeofvisions,likeamaninspired,ina
commonschoolroom,wasnotlikeotheraliens,whobroughttheirchildrenindullobediencetothe
lawwasnotlikethenativefathers,whobroughttheirunmanageableboys,gladtoberelievedoftheir
care.IthinkMissNixonguessedwhatmyfather'sbestEnglishcouldnotconvey.Ithinkshedivined
thatbythesimpleactofdeliveringourschoolcertificatestoherhetookpossessionofAmerica.
CHAPTERX
INITIATION
ITisnotworthwhiletorefertovoluminousschoolstatisticstoseejusthowmany"green"pupils
enteredschoollastSeptember,notknowingthedaysoftheweekinEnglish,whonextFebruarywill
bedeclaimingpatrioticversesinhonorofGeorgeWashingtonandAbrahamLincoln,withaforeign
accent,indeed,butwithplentyofenthusiasm.Itisenoughtoknowthatthishundredfoldmiracleis
commontotheschoolsineverypartoftheUnitedStateswhereimmigrantsarereceived.AndifIwas
oneofChelsea'shundredin1894,itwasonlytobeexpected,sinceIwasoneoftheolderofthe
"green"children,andhadhadastartinmyirregularschoolinginRussia,andwascarriedalongbya
tremendousdesiretolearn,andhadmyfamilytocheermeon.
Iwasnotabittoolargeformylittlechairanddeskinthebabyclass,butmymind,ofcourse,wastoo
maturebysixorsevenyearsforthework.SoassoonasIcouldunderstandwhattheteachersaidin
class,Iwasadvancedtothesecondgrade.ThiswaswithinaweekafterMissNixontookmeinhand.
ButIdonotmeantogivemydearteacherallthecreditformyrapidprogress,norevenhalfthecredit.
Ishalldivideitwithheronbehalfofmyraceandmyfamily.IwasJewenoughtohaveanaptitude
forlanguageingeneral,andtobendmymindearnestlytomytaskIwasAntinenoughtoreadeach
lessonwithmyheart,whichgavemeaninklingofwhatwascomingnext,andsocarriedmealongby
leapsandbounds.Asfortheteacher,shecouldbestexplainwhattheoryshefollowedinteachingus
foreignerstoread.Icanonlydescribethemethod,whichwassosimplethatIwishholinesscouldbe
taughtinthesameway.
TherewereabouthalfadozenofusbeginnersinEnglish,inagefromsixtofifteen.MissNixonmade
aspecialclassofus,andaidedussoskilfullyandearnestlyinourendeavorsto"seeacat,"and"hear
adogbark,"and"lookatthehen,"thatweturnedoverpageafterpageoftheravishinghistory,eager
tofindouthowthecommonworldlooked,smelled,andtastedinthestrangespeech.Theteacher
knewjustwhentoletushelpeachotheroutwithawordinourowntongue,ithappenedthatwe
wereallJews,andso,workingalltogether,weactuallycoveredmoregroundinalessonthanthe
nativeclasses,composedentirelyofthelittletots.
Butwestuckstuckfastatthedefinitearticleandsometimesthelessonresolveditselfintoa
speciesoflingualgymnastics,inwhichwealllookedasifwemeanttobiteourtonguesoff.Miss
Nixonwaspretty,andshemusthavelookedwellwithherwhiteteethshowingintheactbutatthe
timeIwastoosolemnlyoccupiedtoadmireherlooks.Ididtakegreatpleasureinhersmileof
approval,wheneverIpronouncedwellandherpatienceandperseveranceinstrugglingwithusover
thatthicklittlewordarebecomingtoherevennow,afterfifteenyears.Itisnotherfaultifanyofus
todaygiveabuzzingsoundtothedreadfulEnglishth.
IshallneverhaveabetteropportunitytomakepublicdeclarationofmylovefortheEnglishlanguage.
IamgladthatAmericanhistoryruns,chapterforchapter,thewayitdoesforthusAmericacameto
bethecountryIlovesodearly.Iamglad,mostofall,thattheAmericansbeganbybeingEnglishmen,
forthusdidIcometoinheritthisbeautifullanguageinwhichIthink.Itseemstomethatinanyother
languagehappinessisnotsosweet,logicisnotsoclear.IamnotsurethatIcouldbelieveinmy
neighborsasIdoifIthoughtabouttheminunEnglishwords.Icouldalmostsaythatmyconviction
ofimmortalityisboundupwiththeEnglishofitspromise.AndasIamattachedtomyprejudices,I
mustlovetheEnglishlanguage!
Whenevertheteachersdidanythingspecialtohelpmeovermyprivatedifficulties,mygratitudewent
outtothem,silently.Itmeantsomuchtomethattheyhaltedthelessontogivemealift,thatIneeds
mustlovethemforit.DearMissCarrol,ofthesecondgrade,wouldbeamazedtohearwhatsmall
thingsIremember,allbecauseIwassoimpressedatthetimewithherreadinessandsweetnessin
takingnoticeofmydifficulties.
SaysMissCarrol,lookingstraightatme:
"IfJohnniehasthreemarbles,andCharliehastwiceasmany,howmanymarbleshasCharlie?"
Iraisemyhandforpermissiontospeak.
"Teacher,Idon'tknowvhatistvice."
Teacherbeckonsmetoher,andwhisperstomethemeaningofthestrangeword,andIamableto
writethesumcorrectly.It'sallintheday'sworkwithherwithme,itisaspecialactofkindnessand
efficiency.
ShewhomIfoundinthenextgradebecamesodearafriendthatIcanhardlynameherwiththerest,
thoughImentionnoneofthemlightly.Herapprovalwasalwaysdeartome,firstbecauseshewas
"Teacher,"andafterwards,aslongasshelived,becauseshewasmyMissDillingham.Greatwasmy
grief,therefore,when,shortlyaftermyadmissiontoherclass,Iincurreddiscipline,thefirst,andnext
tothelast,timeinmyschoolcareer.
TheclasswasrepeatinginchorustheLord'sPrayer,headsbowedondesks.Iwasdoingmybestto
keepupbythesoundmymindcouldnotgobeyondtheword"hallowed,"forwhichIhadnotfound
themeaning.InthemiddleoftheprayeraJewishboyacrosstheaisletrodonmyfoottogetmy
attention."Youmustnotsaythat,"headmonishedinasolemnwhisper"it'sChristian."Iwhispered
backthatitwasn't,andwentontothe"Amen."Ididnotknowbutwhathewasright,butthenameof
Christwasnotintheprayer,andIwasboundtodoeverythingthattheclassdid.IfIhadanyJewish
scruples,theywerelaggingawaybehindmyinterestinschoolaffairs.HowAmericanthiswas:two
pupilssidebysideintheschoolroom,eachholdingtohisownopinion,butbothsubmittingtothe
commonlawfortheboyatleastbowedhisheadastheteacherordered.
ButallMissDillinghamknewofitwasthattwoofherpupilswhisperedduringmorningprayer,and
shemustdisciplinethem.SoIwasdegradedfromthehonorrowtothelowestrow,anditwasmanya
daybeforeIforgavethatyoungmissionaryitwasnotenoughformyvengeancethathesuffered
punishmentwithme.Teacher,ofcourse,heardusbothdefendourselves,buttherewasatimeanda
placeforreligiousarguments,andshemeanttohelpusrememberthatpoint.
Iremembertothisdaywhatastrugglewehadovertheword"water,"MissDillinghamandI.It
seemedasifIcouldnotgivethesoundofwIsaid"vater"everytime.Patientlymyteacherworked
withme,inventingmouthexercisesforme,togetmystubbornlipstoproducethatwandwhenatlast
Icouldsay"village"and"water"inrapidalternation,withoutmisplacingthetwoinitials,that
memorablewordwassweetonmylips.Forwehadconquered,andTeacherwaspleased.
Gettingalanguageinthisway,wordbyword,hasacharmthatmaybesetagainstthedisadvantages.
Itislikegatheringaposyblossombyblossom.Bringthebouquetintoyourchamber,andthese
nasturtiumsstandforthewholeflamingcarnivalofthemtumblingoverthefenceouttherethese
yellowpansiesrecallthevelvetcrescentofcolorglowingunderthebaywindowthissprayof
honeysucklesmellslikethewindtossedmassesofitontheporch,ripeandbeeladenthewhole
gardeninaglasstumbler.Soitiswithonewhogatherswords,lovingthem.Particularwordsremain
associatedwithimportantoccasionsinthelearner'smind.IcouldthuswriteahistoryofmyEnglish
vocabularythatshouldbeatthesametimeanaccountofmycomingsandgoings,mymistakesand
mytriumphs,duringtheyearsofmyinitiation.
IfIwaseageranddiligent,myteachersdidnotsleep.AsfastasmyknowledgeofEnglishallowed,
theyadvancedmefromgradetograde,withoutreferencetotheusualscheduleofpromotions.My
fatherwasright,whenheoftensaid,indiscussingmyprospects,thatabilitywouldbepromptly
recognizedinthepublicschools.Rapidaswasmyprogress,onaccountoftheadvantageswithwhich
Istarted,someoftheother"green"pupilswerenotfarbehindmewithinagradeortwo,bytheendof
theyear.Mybrother,whosechildhoodhadbeenonehideousnightmare,whatwiththestupidrebbe,
thecruelwhip,andthegeneralrepressionoflifeinthePale,surprisedmyfatherbytheprogresshe
madeunderintelligent,sympatheticguidance.Indeed,hesoonhadareputationintheschoolthatthe
Americanboysenviedandallthroughtheschoolcoursehemorethanheldhisownwithpupilsofhis
age.Somuchfortherightandwrongwayofdoingthings.
ThereisarecordofmyearlyprogressinEnglishmuchbetterthanmyrecollections,howeveraccurate
anddefinitethesemaybe.Ihaveseveralreasonsforintroducingithere.First,itshowswhatthe
RussianJewcandowithanadoptedlanguagenext,itprovesthatvigilanceofourpublicschool
teachersofwhichIspokeandlast,Iamproudofit!Thatisanunnecessaryconfession,butIcould
notbesatisfiedtoinserttherecordhere,withmyvanityunavowed.
Thisisthedocument,copiedfromaneducationaljournal,atatteredcopyofwhichliesinmylapasI
writetreasuredforfifteenyears,yousee,bymyvanity.
EDITOR"PRIMARYEDUCATION":
ThisistheuncorrectedpaperofaRussianchildtwelveyearsold,whohadstudied
Englishonlyfourmonths.Shehadnever,untilSeptember,beentoschooleveninher
owncountryandhasheardEnglishspokenonlyatschool.Ishallbegladifthepaperof
mypupilandtheaboveexplanationmayappearinyourpaper.
M.S.DILLINGHAM.
CHELSEA,MASS.
SNOW
Snowisfrozenmoisturewhichcomesfromtheclouds.Nowthesnowiscomingdownin
featherflakes,whichmakesnicesnowballs.Butthereisstillonekindofsnowmore.
Thiskindofsnowiscalledsnowcrystals,foritcomesdowninlittlecurlyballs.These
snowcrystalsaren'tquietasgoodforsnowballsasfeatherflakes,forthey(thesnow
crystals)aredry:sotheycan'tkeeptogetherasfeatherflakesdo.
Thesnowisdeartosomechildrenfortheylikesleighing.
AsIsaidatthetopthesnowcomesfromtheclouds.
Nowthetreesarebare,andnoflowersaretoseeinthefieldsandgardens,(weallknow
why)andthewholeworldseemslikeasleepwithoutthehappybirdssongswhichleftus
tillspring.Butthesnowwhichdroveawayalltheseprettyandhappythings,try,(asI
think)nottomakeusatallunhappytheycoveredupthebranchesofthetrees,thefields,
thegardensandhouses,andthewholeworldlookslikedressedinabeautifulwhite
insteadofgreendress,withtheskylookingdownonitwithapaleface.
Andsothepeoplecanfindsomejoyinit,too,withoutthehappysummer.
MARYANTIN.
Andnowthatitstandsthere,withhernameoverit,Iamashamedofmyflippanttalkaboutvanity.
MoretomethanallthepraiseIcouldhopetowinbytheconquestoffiftylanguagesistheassociation
ofthisdearfriendwithmyearliesteffortsatwritinganditpleasesmetorememberthattoherIowe
myveryfirstappearanceinprint.Vanityistheleastpartofit,whenIrememberhowshecalledmeto
herdesk,onedayafterschoolwasout,andshowedmemycompositionmyownwords,thatIhad
writtenoutofmyownheadprintedout,clearblackandwhite,withmynameattheend!Nothingso
wonderfulhadeverhappenedtomebefore.Mywholeconsciousnesswassuddenlytransformed.I
supposethatwasthemomentwhenIbecameawriter.Ialwayslovedtowrite,Iwroteletters
wheneverIhadanexcuse,yetithadneveroccurredtometositdownandwritemythoughtsforno
personinparticular,merelytoputthewordonpaper.Butnow,asIreadmyownwords,inadelicious
confusion,theideawasborn.Istaredatmyname:MARYANTIN.WasthatreallyI?Theprinted
characterscomposingitseemedstrangetomeallofasudden.Ifthatwasmyname,andthosewere
thewordsoutofmyownhead,whatrelationdiditallhavetome,whowasalonetherewithMiss
Dillingham,andtheprintedpagebetweenus?Why,itmeantthatIcouldwriteagain,andseemy
writingprintedforpeopletoread!Icouldwritemany,many,manythings:Icouldwriteabook!The
ideawassohuge,sobewildering,thatmymindscarcelycouldaccommodateit.
Idonotknowwhatmyteachersaidtomeprobablyverylittle.Itwasherwaytosayonlyalittle,and
lookatme,andtrustmetounderstand.Onceshehadoccasiontolecturemeaboutlivingashutup
lifeshewantedmetogooutdoors.Ihadbeenrepeatedlyscoldedandreprovedonthatscorebyother
people,butIhadonlylaughed,sayingthatIwastoohappytochangemyways.ButwhenMiss
Dillinghamspoketome,Isawthatitwasaseriousmatterandyetsheonlysaidafewwords,and
lookedatmewiththatsmileofhersthatwasonlyhalfasmile,andtherestameaning.Anothertime
shehadagreatquestiontoaskme,touchingmylifetothequick.Shemerelyputherquestion,and
wassilentbutIknewwhatanswersheexpected,andnotbeingabletogiveitthen,Iwentawaysad
andreproved.YearslaterIhadmytriumphantanswer,butshewasnolongertheretoreceiveitand
sohereyeslookatme,fromthepictureonthemantelthere,withareproachInolongermerit.
Ioughttogobackandstrikeoutallthattalkaboutvanity.WhatreasonhaveItobevain,whenI
reflecthowateverystepIwaspetted,nursed,andencouraged?Ididnotevendiscovermyowntalent.
ItwasdiscoveredfirstbymyfatherinRussia,andnextbymyfriendinAmerica.WhatdidIeverdo
butwritewhentheytoldmetowrite?Isupposemygrandfatherwhodroveaspavinedhorsethrough
lonelycountrylanessatintheshadeofcrispedleavedoakstorefreshhimselfwithabitofblack
breadandanacornfallingbesidehim,intheimmensestillness,shookhisheartwiththeecho,and
lefthimwondering.Isupposemyfatherstoleawayfromthesynagogueonelongfestivalday,and
stretchedhimselfoutinthesunwarmedgrass,andlosthimselfindreamsthatmadetheworldofmen
unrealwhenhereturnedtothem.Andsowhatisthereleftformetodo,whodonothavetodrivea
horsenorinterpretancientlore,butputmygrandfather'squestionintowordsandsettomusicmy
father'sdream?ThetongueamIofthosewholivedbeforeme,asthosethataretocomewillbethe
voiceofmyunspokenthoughts.Andsowhoshallbeapplaudedifthesongbesweet,iftheprophecy
betrue?
Ineverheardofanyonewhowassowatchedandcoaxed,sopassedalongfromhandtohelpinghand,
aswasI.Ialwayshadfriends.Theysprangupeverywhere,asiftheyhadstoodwaitingformeto
come.Soherewasmyteacher,themomentshesawthatIcouldgiveagoodparaphraseofhertalkon
"Snow,"bentonfindingoutwhatmoreIcoulddo.OnedaysheaskedmeifIhadeverwrittenpoetry.
Ihadnot,butIwenthomeandtried.Ibelieveitwasmoresnow,andIknowitwaswretched.IwishI
couldproduceacopyofthatearlyeffusionitwouldprovethatmyjudgmentisnotsevere.Wretched
itwas,worse,agreatdeal,thanreamsofpoetrythatiswrittenbychildrenaboutwhomthereisno
fussmade.ButMissDillinghamwasnotdiscouraged.ShesawthatIhadnoideaofmetre,soshe
proceededtoteachme.Werepeatedmilesofpoetrytogether,smoothlinesthatsangthemselves,
mostlyoutofLongfellow.ThenIwouldgohomeandwriteoh,aboutthesnowinourbackyard!
butwhenMissDillinghamcametoreadmyverses,theylimpedandtheylaggedandtheydragged,
andtherewasnotunethatwouldfitthem.
Atlastcamethemomentofillumination:Isawwheremytroublelay.Ihadsupposedthatmylines
matchedwhentheyhadanequalnumberofsyllables,takingnoaccountofaccent.NowIknewbetter
nowIcouldwritepoetry!Theeverlastingsnowmeltedatlast,andthemudpuddlesdriedinthespring
sun,andthegrassonthecommonwasgreen,andstillIwrotepoetry!AgainIwishIhadsome
exampleofmyspringtimerhapsodies,theveriestrubbishofthesortthateverachildperpetrated.
LizzieMcDee,whohadredhairandfreckles,andaSundayschoolmanneronweekdays,andwas
belowmeintheclass,didagreatdealbetter.WeusedtocompareversesandwhileIdonot
rememberthatIeverhadthegracetoownthatshewasthebetterpoet,IdoknowthatIsecretly
wonderedwhytheteachersdidnotinvitehertostayafterschoolandstudypoetry,whiletheytookso
muchpainswithme.Butsoitwasalwayswithme:somebodydidsomethingformeallthetime.
Makingfairallowanceformyyouth,retardededucation,andstrangenesstothelanguage,itmuststill
beadmittedthatIneverwrotegoodverse.ButIlovedtoreadit.MyhalfhourswithMissDillingham
werefullofdelightforme,quiteapartfrommynewbornambitiontobecomeawriter.What,then,
wasmyjoy,whenMissDillingham,justbeforelockingupherdeskoneevening,presentedmewitha
volumeofLongfellow'spoems!Itwasathinvolumeofselections,buttomeitwasabottomless
treasure.Ihadneverownedabookbefore.Thesenseofpossessionalonewasasourceofbliss,and
thisbookIalreadyknewandloved.AndsoMissDillingham,whowasmyfirstAmericanfriend,and
whofirstputmynameinprint,wasalsotheonetostartmylibrary.DeepismyregretwhenIconsider
thatshewasgonebeforeIhadgivenmuchofanaccountofallhergiftsofloveandservicetome.
AboutthemiddleoftheyearIwaspromotedtothegrammarschool.ThenitwasthatIwalkedonair.
ForIsaidtomyselfthatIwasastudentnow,inearnest,notmerelyaschoolgirllearningtospelland
cipher.Iwasgoingtolearnoutofthewaythings,thingsthathadnothingtodowithordinarylife
thingstoknow.WhenIwalkedhomeafternoons,withthegreatbiggeographybookundermyarm,it
seemedtomethattheearthwasconsciousofmystep.SometimesIcarriedhomehalfthebooksinmy
desk,notbecauseIshouldneedthem,butbecauseIlovedtoholdthemandalsobecauseIlovedtobe
seencarryingbooks.Itwasabadgeofscholarship,andIwasproudofit.Irememberthedaysin
VitebskwhenIusedtowatchmycousinHirshelstartforschoolinthemorning,everythreadofhis
student'suniform,everyworncopybookinhissatchel,glorifiedinmyenviouseyes.AndnowIwas
myselfashe:aye,greaterthanheforIknewEnglish,andIcouldwritepoetry.
IfmyheadwasnotturnedatthistimeitwasbecauseIwassobusyfrommorningtillnight.Myfather
didhisbesttomakemevainandsilly.Hemademuchofmetoeverychancecaller,boastingofmy
progressatschool,andofmyexaltedfriends,theteachers.Foraschoolteacherwasnoordinary
mortalinhiseyesshewasasuperiorbeing,setabovethecommonrunofmenbyhereruditionand
devotiontohigherthings.Thataschoolteachercouldbeshalloworpetty,orgreedyforpay,wasa
thingthathecouldnothavebeenbroughttobelieve,atthistime.Andhewasright,ifhecouldonly
havestucktoitinlateryears,whenanewbornpessimism,fatheredbyhisperceptionthatinAmerica,
too,somethingsneededmending,threwhimtotheoppositeextremeofopinion,cryingthatnothing
intheAmericanschemeofsocietyorgovernmentwasworthtinkering.
Hesurelywasrightinhisfirstappraisaloftheteacher.Themeansortofteachersarenotteachersat
alltheyareselfseekerswhotakeupteachingasabusiness,tosupportthemselvesandkeeptheir
handswhite.Thesesamepersons,didtheykeepstoreordriveamilkwagonorwashbabiesfora
living,wouldberespectable.Astrespassersonanobleprofession,theyareworthnomorethanthe
booksandslatesanddesksoverwhichtheypresidesomuchfurniture,tobehadbythegross.They
donotlovetheirwork.Theycontributenothingtothehigherdevelopmentoftheirpupils.Theybusy
themselves,notwithresearchintothescienceofteaching,butwithorganizingpolitical
demonstrationstoadvancethecauseofselfishcandidatesforpublicoffice,whopromisethem
rewards.Thetrueteachersareofanotherstrain.Apostlesallofanideal,theygototheirworkina
spiritofloveandinquiry,seekingnotcomfort,notposition,notoldagepensions,buttruththatisthe
soulofwisdom,thejoyofbigeyedchildren,thefoodofhungryyouth.
TheyweretrueteacherswhousedtocometomeonArlingtonStreet,somyfatherhadreasontoboast
ofthedistinctionbroughtuponhishouse.Fortheschoolteacherinhertrim,unostentatiousdresswas
anuncommonvisitorinourneighborhoodandthetalkthatpassedinthebarelittle"parlor"overthe
grocerystorewouldnothavebeenentirelycomprehensibletoournextdoorneighbor.
InthegrammarschoolIhadasgoodteachingasIhadhadintheprimary.Itseemstomeinretrospect
thatitwasasgood,onthewhole,asthepublicschoolidealsofthetimemadepossible.WhenIrecall
howIwastaughtgeography,Isee,indeed,thattherewasroomforimprovementoccasionallybothin
thesubstanceandinthemethodofinstruction.ButIknowofatleastoneteacherofChelseawho
realizedthisforImether,eightyearslater,atagreatmetropolitanuniversitythatholdsasummer
sessionforthebenefitofschoolteacherswhowanttokeepupwiththeadvanceintheirscience.Very
likelytheynolongerteachgeographyentirelywithindoors,andbyrote,asIwastaught.Fifteenyears
isplentyoftimeforprogress.
WhenIjoinedthefirstgrammargrade,theclasshadhadahalfyear'sstartofme,butitwasnotlong
beforeIfoundmyplacenearthehead.Inallbranchesexceptgeographyitwasgenuineprogress.I
overtooktheyoungstersintheirstudyofnumbers,spelling,reading,andcomposition.IngeographyI
merelymadeabluff,butIdidnotknowit.Neitherdidmyteacher.Icameuptosuchtestsassheput
me.
ThelessonwasonChelsea,whichwasright:geography,likecharity,shouldbeginathome.Ourtext
ranonforaparagraphorsoonthelocation,boundaries,naturalfeatures,andindustriesofthetown,
withabitoflocalhistorythrownin.Weweretolearnalltheseinterestingfacts,andbepreparedto
writethemoutfrommemorythenextday.Iwenthomeandlearnedlearnedeverywordofthetext,
everycomma,everyfootnote.Whentheteacherhadreadmypapershemarkedit"EE.""E"wasfor
"excellent,"butmypaperwasabsolutelyperfect,andmustbeputinaclassbyitself.Theteacher
exhibitedmypaperbeforetheclass,withsomeremarksaboutthediligencethatcouldovertakeina
weekpupilswhohadhadhalfayear'sstart.ItookitallasmodestlyasIcould,neverdoubtingthatI
wasindeedaverybrightlittlegirl,andgettingtobeverylearnedtoboot.Iwas"perfect"in
geography,amosteruditesubject.
Butwhatwasthetruth?ThewordsthatIrepeatedsoaccuratelyonmypaperhadaboutasmuch
meaningtomeasthewordsofthePsalmsIusedtochantinHebrew.Igotanideathatthecityof
Chelsea,andtheworldingeneral,waslaidoutflat,likethecommon,andshavedoffattheends,to
allowthenorth,south,east,andwesttosnuggleupclose,liketheframearoundapicture.IfIlooked
atthemap,IwasutterlybewilderedIcouldfindnocorrespondencebetweenthepictureandthe
verbalexplanations.WithwordsIwassafeIcouldlearnanynumberofwordsbyheart,and
sometimeorothertheywouldpopoutofthemedley,clothedwithmeaning.Chelsea,Iread,was
boundedonallsides"bounded"appealedtomyimaginationbyvariousthingsthatIhadnever
identified,muchasIhadroamedaboutthetown.Iimmediatelypicturedtheseremoteboundariesasa
sixfootfenceinagoodstateofpreservation,withtheMysticRiver,thetownsofEverettandRevere,
andEastBostonCreek,rejoicing,onthesouth,west,north,andeastofit,respectively,thattheyhad
gotinsidewhiletherestoftheworldpeepedinenviouslythroughaknothole.Inthemiddleofthis
cherishedareapianofactoriesorwasitshoefactories?proudlyrearedtheirchimneys,whilethe
populationpromenadedonaropewalk,salutedateveryturnbythebenevolentinmatesofthe
Soldiers'HomeonthetopofPowderhornHill.
Perhapsthefaultwaspartlymine,becauseIalwayswouldreduceeverythingtoapicture.Partlyit
mayhavebeenbecauseIhadnothadtimetodigestthegeneraldefinitionsatthebeginningofthe
book.Still,Icantakebutlittleoftheblame,whenIconsiderhowIfaredthroughmygeography,right
totheendofthegrammarschoolcourse.Ididintimedisentanglethesymbolismoftheorange
revolvingonaknittingneedlefromtheastronomicalfactsinthecase,butittookyearsoftraining
underamasterofthesubjecttoridmeofmydistrustofthemapasarepresentationoftheearth.To
thisdayIsometimesblunderbacktomyearlyimpressionthatanygivenportionoftheearth'ssurface
isconstructeduponaskeletonconsistingoftwocrossedbars,terminatinginarrowheadswhichpinthe
cardinalpointsintoplaceandifIwanttofindanydesiredpointofthecompass,Iaminclinedto
throwmyselfflatonmynose,myheadduenorth,andmyoutstretchedarmsseekingtheeastandwest
respectively.
Forintheschoolroom,asfarasthestudyofthemapwent,webeganwiththesymbolandstucktothe
symbol.NoteacherofgeographyIeverhad,exceptthemasterIreferredto,tookthepainsto
ascertainwhetherIhadanysenseofthefactsforwhichthesymbolsstood.Outsidethestudyofmaps,
geographyconsistedofstatistics:tablesofpopulation,importsandexports,manufactures,anddegrees
oftemperaturedimensionsofrivers,mountains,andpoliticalstateswithlistsofminerals,plants,and
plaguesnativetoanygivenpartoftheglobe.Theonlypartofthewholesubjectthatmeantanything
tomewasthedescriptionoftheaspectofforeignlands,andthemannersandcustomsoftheir
peoples.Therelationofphysiographytohumanhistorywhatmightbecalledthemoralof
geographywasnottaughtatall,orwastoucheduponinanunimpressivemanner.Theprevalenceof
thisdefectintheteachingofschoolgeographyisborneoutbythesurpriseofthecollegefreshman,
whoremarkedtotheprofessorofgeologythatitwascurioustonotehowallthebigriversandharbors
ontheAtlanticcoastalplainoccurredintheneighborhoodoflargecities!Alittleinstructioninthe
elementsofchartographyalittlepracticeintheuseofthecompassandthespiritlevel,a
topographicalmapofthetowncommon,anexcursionwitharoadmapwouldhavegivenmeafat
roundearthinplaceofmypaperghostwouldhaveilluminedtheonedarkalleyinmyschoollife.
CHAPTERXI
"MYCOUNTRY"
THEpublicschoolhasdoneitsbestforusforeigners,andforthecountry,whenithasmadeusinto
goodAmericans.Iamgladitisminetotellhowthemiraclewaswroughtinonecase.Youshouldbe
gladtohearofit,youbornAmericansforitisthestoryofthegrowthofyourcountryoftheflocking
ofyourbrothersandsistersfromthefarendsoftheearthtotheflagyouloveoftherecruitingofyour
armiesofworkers,thinkers,andleaders.Andyouwillbegladtohearofit,mycomradesinadoption
foritisarehearsalofyourownexperience,thethrillandwonderofwhichyourownheartshavefelt.
Howlongwouldyousay,wisereader,ittakestomakeanAmerican?Bythemiddleofmysecond
yearinschoolIhadreachedthesixthgrade.When,aftertheChristmasholidays,webegantostudy
thelifeofWashington,runningthroughasummaryoftheRevolution,andtheearlydaysofthe
Republic,itseemedtomethatallmyreadingandstudyhadbeenidleuntilthen.Thereader,the
arithmetic,thesongbook,thathadsofascinatedmeuntilnow,becamesuddenlysoberexercise
books,toolswherewithtohewawaytothesourceofinspiration.Whentheteacherreadtousoutofa
bigbookwithmanybookmarksinit,Isatrigidwithattentioninmylittlechair,myhandstightly
claspedontheedgeofmydeskandIpainfullyheldmybreath,topreventsighsofdisappointment
escaping,asIsawtheteacherskipthepartsbetweenbookmarks.Whentheclassread,anditcamemy
turn,myvoiceshookandthebooktrembledinmyhands.IcouldnotpronouncethenameofGeorge
Washingtonwithoutapause.NeverhadIprayed,neverhadIchantedthesongsofDavid,neverhadI
calledupontheMostHoly,insuchutterreverenceandworshipasIrepeatedthesimplesentencesof
mychild'sstoryofthepatriot.IgazedwithadorationattheportraitsofGeorgeandMartha
Washington,tillIcouldseethemwithmyeyesshut.Andwhereasformerlymyselfconsciousness
hadborderedonconceit,andIthoughtmyselfanuncommonperson,paradingmyschoolbooks
throughthestreets,andswellingwithpridewhenateacherdetainedmeinconversation,nowIgrew
humbleallatonce,seeinghowinsignificantIwasbesidetheGreat.
AsIreadaboutthenobleboywhowouldnottellalietosavehimselffrompunishment,Iwasforthe
firsttimetrulyrepentantofmysins.FormerlyIhadfastedandprayedandmadesacrificeontheDay
ofAtonement,butitwasmorethanhalfplay,inmimicryofmyelders.Ihadnorealhorrorofsin,and
Iknewsomanywaysofescapingpunishment.Iamsuremyfamily,myneighbors,myteachersin
Polotzkallmyworld,infactstrovetogether,byexampleandprecept,toteachmegoodness.
SaintlinesshadanewincarnationinabouteverythirdpersonIknew.Ididrespectthesaints,butI
couldnothelpseeingthatmostofthemwerealittlebitstupid,andthatmischiefwasmuchmorefun
thanpiety.Goodness,asIhadknownit,wasrespectable,butnotnecessarilyadmirable.ThepeopleI
reallyadmired,likemyUncleSolomon,andCousinRachel,werethosewhopreachedtheleastand
laughedthemost.MysisterFriedawasperfectlygood,butshedidnotthinkthelessofmebecauseI
playedtricks.WhatIlovedinmyfriendswasnotinimitable.Onecouldbedownrightgoodifone
reallywantedto.Onecouldbelearnedifonehadbooksandteachers.Onecouldsingfunnysongsand
tellanecdotesifonetravelledaboutandpickedupsuchthings,likeone'sunclesandcousins.Buta
humanbeingstrictlygood,perfectlywise,andunfailinglyvaliant,allatthesametime,Ihadnever
heardordreamedof.ThiswonderfulGeorgeWashingtonwasasinimitableashewasirreproachable.
EvenifIhadnever,nevertoldalie,IcouldnotcomparemyselftoGeorgeWashingtonforIwasnot
braveIwasafraidtogooutwhensnowballswhizzedandIcouldneverbetheFirstPresidentof
theUnitedStates.
SoIwasforcedtorevisemyownestimateofmyself.Butthetwinofmynewbornhumility,
paradoxicalasitmayseem,wasasenseofdignityIhadneverknownbefore.ForifIfoundthatIwas
apersonofsmallconsequence,IdiscoveredatthesametimethatIwasmorenoblyrelatedthanIhad
eversupposed.Ihadrelativesandfriendswhowerenotablepeoplebytheoldstandards,Ihadnever
beenashamedofmyfamily,butthisGeorgeWashington,whodiedlongbeforeIwasborn,waslike
akingingreatness,andheandIwereFellowCitizens.TherewasagreatdealaboutFellowCitizens
inthepatrioticliteraturewereadatthistimeandIknewfrommyfatherhowhewasaCitizen,
throughtheprocessofnaturalization,andhowIalsowasacitizenbyvirtueofmyrelationtohim.
UndoubtedlyIwasaFellowCitizen,andGeorgeWashingtonwasanother.Itthrilledmetorealize
whatsuddengreatnesshadfallenonmeandatthesametimeitsoberedme,aswithasenseof
responsibility.IstrovetoconductmyselfasbefittedaFellowCitizen.
Beforebookscameintomylife,Iwasgiventostargazinganddaydreaming.Whenbooksweregiven
me,Ifelluponthemasagluttonpouncesonhismeatafteraperiodofenforcedstarvation.Ilived
withmynoseinabook,andtooknonoticeofthealternationsofthesunandstars.Butnow,afterthe
adventofGeorgeWashingtonandtheAmericanRevolution,Ibegantodreamagain.Istrayedonthe
commonafterschoolinsteadofhurryinghometoread.Ihungonfencerails,mypetbookforgotten
undermyarm,andgazedofftotheyellowstreakedFebruarysunset,andbeyond,andbeyond.Iwas
nolongerthecentralfigureofmydreamsthedryweedsinthelanecrackledbeneaththetreadof
Heroes.
WhatmorecouldAmericagiveachild?Ah,muchmore!AsIreadhowthepatriotsplannedthe
Revolution,andthewomengavetheirsonstodieinbattle,andtheheroesledtovictory,andthe
rejoicingpeoplesetuptheRepublic,itdawnedonmegraduallywhatwasmeantbymycountry.The
peoplealldesiringnoblethings,andstrivingforthemtogether,defyingtheiroppressors,givingtheir
livesforeachotherallthisitwasthatmademycountry.ItwasnotathingthatIunderstoodIcould
notgohomeandtellFriedaaboutit,asItoldherotherthingsIlearnedatschool.ButIknewone
couldsay"mycountry"andfeelit,asonefelt"God"or"myself."Myteacher,myschoolmates,Miss
Dillingham,GeorgeWashingtonhimselfcouldnotmeanmorethanIwhentheysaid"mycountry,"
afterIhadoncefeltit.FortheCountrywasforalltheCitizens,andIwasaCitizen.Andwhenwe
stooduptosing"America,"Ishoutedthewordswithallmymight.Iwasinveryearnestproclaiming
totheworldmyloveformynewfoundcountry.
"Ilovethyrocksandrills,
Thywoodsandtempledhills."
BostonHarbor,CrescentBeach,ChelseaSquareallwashallowedgroundtome.Astheday
approachedwhentheschoolwastoholdexercisesinhonorofWashington'sBirthday,thehalls
resoundedatallhourswiththestrainsofpatrioticsongsandI,whowasamodeloftheattentive
pupil,morethanoncelostmyplaceinthelessonasIstrainedtohear,throughcloseddoors,some
neighboringclassrehearsing"TheStarSpangledBanner."Ifthedoorshappenedtobeopen,andthe
chorusbrokeoutunveiled
"O!say,doesthatStarSpangledBanneryetwave
O'erthelandofthefree,andthehomeofthebrave?"
delicioustremorsranupanddownmyspine,andIwasfaintwithsuppressedenthusiasm.
Wherehadbeenmycountryuntilnow?WhatflaghadIloved?WhatheroeshadIworshipped?The
verynamesofthesethingshadbeenunknowntome.WellIknewthatPolotzkwasnotmycountry.It
wasgoluthexile.OnmanyoccasionsintheyearweprayedtoGodtoleadusoutofexile.The
beautifulPassoverserviceclosedwiththewords,"Nextyear,maywebeinJerusalem."Onchildish
lips,indeed,thosewordswerenoconsciousaspirationwerepeatedtheHebrewsyllablesafterour
elders,butwithouttheirhopeandlonging.Stillnotachildamonguswastooyoungtofeelinhisown
fleshthelashoftheoppressor.WeknewwhatitwastobeJewsinexile,fromthespitefultreatment
wesufferedatthehandsofthesmallesturchinwhocrossedhimselfandthenceweknewthatIsrael
hadgoodreasontoprayfordeliverance.ButthestoryoftheExoduswasnothistorytomeinthe
sensethatthestoryoftheAmericanRevolutionwas.Itwasmorelikeagloriousmyth,abeliefin
whichhadtheeffectofcuttingmeofffromtheactualworld,bylinkingmewithaworldofphantoms.
ThosemomentsofexaltationwhichthecontemplationoftheBiblicalpastaffordedus,allowingusto
callourselvesthechildrenofprinces,servedbuttotingewithamorepoignantsenseofdisinheritance
thelonghumdrumstretchesofourlife.Inverytruthwewereapeoplewithoutacountry.Surrounded
bymockingfoesanddetractors,itwasdifficultformetorealizethepersonsofmypeople'sheroesor
theeventsinwhichtheymoved.Exceptinmomentsofabstractionfromtheworldaroundme,I
scarcelyunderstoodthatJerusalemwasanactualspotontheearth,whereoncetheKingsoftheBible,
realpeople,likemyneighborsinPolotzk,ruledinpuissantmajesty.Fortheconditionsofourcivillife
didnotpermitustocultivateaspiritofnationalism.Thefreedomofworshipthatwasgrudgingly
grantedwithinthenarrowlimitsofthePalebynomeansincludedtherighttosetupopenlyanyideal
ofaHebrewState,anyherootherthantheCzar.Whatwechildrenpickedupofourancientpolitical
historywasconfusedwiththemiraculousstoryoftheCreation,withthesupernaturallegendsand
hazyassociationsofBiblelore.Astoourfuture,weJewsinPolotzkhadnonationalexpectations
onlyalifeworndreamerhereandtherehopedtodieinPalestine.IfFetchkeandIsang,withmy
father,firstmakingsureofouraudience,"Zion,Zion,HolyZion,notforeverisitlost,"wedidnot
reallypicturetoourselvesJudarestored.
Soitcametopassthatwedidnotknowwhatmycountrycouldmeantoaman.Andaswehadno
country,sowehadnoflagtolove.ItwasbynofarfetchedsymbolismthatthebanneroftheHouseof
Romanoffbecametheemblemofourlatterdaybondageinoureyes.Evenachildwouldknowhowto
hatetheflagthatwewereforced,onpainofseverepenalties,tohoistaboveourhousetops,in
celebrationoftheadventofoneofouroppressors.Andasitwaswithcountryandflag,soitwaswith
heroesofwar.Wehatedtheuniformofthesoldier,tothelastbrassbutton.OnthepersonofaGentile,
itwasthesymboloftyrannyonthepersonofaJew,itwastheemblemofshame.
SoalittleJewishgirlinPolotzkwasapttogrowuphungrymindedandemptyheartedandif,stillin
heroutreachingyouth,shewassetdowninalandofoutspokenpatriotism,shewaslikelytoloveher
newcountrywithagreatlove,andtoembraceitsheroesinagreatworship.Naturalization,withus
RussianJews,maymeanmorethantheadoptionoftheimmigrantbyAmerica.Itmaymeanthe
adoptionofAmericabytheimmigrant.
OnthedayoftheWashingtoncelebrationIrecitedapoemthatIhadcomposedinmyenthusiasm.But
"composed"isnottheword.Theprocessofputtingonpaperthesentimentsthatseethedinmysoul
wasreallyverydiscomposing.Idugthewordsoutofmyheart,squeezedtherhymesoutofmybrain,
forcedthemissingsyllablesoutoftheirhidingplacesinthedictionary.MayIneveragainknowsuch
travailofthespiritasIenduredduringthefevereddayswhenIwasengagedonthepoem.Itwasnot
asifIwantedtosaythatsnowwaswhiteorgrasswasgreen.Icoulddothatwithoutadictionary.It
wasaquestionnowoftheloftiestsentiments,ofthemostabstracttruths,thenamesofwhichwere
verynewinmyvocabulary.Itwasnecessarytousepolysyllables,andplentyofthemandwhereto
findrhymesforsuchwordsas"tyranny,""freedom,"and"justice,"whenyouhadlessthantwoyears'
acquaintancewithEnglish!ThenameIwishedtocelebratewasthemostdifficultofall.Nothingbut
"Washington"rhymedwith"Washington."Itwasamostambitiousundertaking,butmyheartcould
findnoresttillithadproclaimeditselftotheworldsoIwrestledwithmydifficulties,andsparednot
ink,tillinspirationperchedonmypenpoint,andmysoulgaveupitsbest.
WhenIhaddone,Iwasmyselfimpressedwiththelength,gravity,andnobilityofmypoem.My
fatherwasovercomewithemotionashereadit.Hishandstrembledasheheldthepapertothelight,
andthemistgatheredinhiseyes.Myteacher,MissDwight,wasplainlyastonishedatmy
performance,andsaidmanykindthings,andaskedmanyquestionsallofwhichItookvery
solemnly,likeonewhohadbeeninthecloudsandreturnedtoearthwithasignuponhim.WhenMiss
Dwightaskedmetoreadmypoemtotheclassonthedayofcelebration,Ireadilyconsented.Itwas
notinmetorefuseachancetotellmyschoolmateswhatIthoughtofGeorgeWashington.
IwasnotaheroicfigurewhenIstoodupinfrontoftheclasstopronouncethepraisesoftheFatherof
hisCountry.Thin,pale,andhollow,withashadowofshortblackcurlsonmybrow,andthestaring
lookofprominenteyes,Imusthavelookedmorefrightenedthanimposing.Mydressaddednograce
tomyappearance."Plaids"wereinfashion,andmyfrockwasofaredandgreen"plaid"thathada
ghastlyeffectonmycomplexion.IhateditwhenIthoughtofit,butonthegreatdayIdidnotknowI
hadanydresson.Heelsclappedtogether,andhandsgluedtomysides,Iliftedupmyvoiceinpraise
ofGeorgeWashington.Itwasnotmuchofavoicelikemyhollowcheeks,itsuggestedconsumption.
Mypronunciationwasfaulty,mydeclamationflat.ButIhadthecourageofmyconvictions.Iwas
facetofacewithtwoscoreFellowCitizens,incleanblousesandextrafrills.Imusttellthemwhat
GeorgeWashingtonhaddonefortheircountryforourcountryforme.
Icanlaughnowattheimpossiblemetres,thegrandiosephrases,theverboserepetitionsofmypoem.
YearsagoImusthavelaughedatit,whenIthrewmyonlycopyintothewastebasket.ThecopyIam
nowturningoverwasloanedmebyMissDwight,whofaithfullypreserveditalltheseyears,forthe
sake,nodoubt,ofwhatIstrovetoexpresswhenIlaboriouslyhitchedtogetherthosedozenandmore
ungracefulstanzas.ButtothefortyFellowCitizenssittinginrowsinfrontofmeitwasnolaughing
matter.Eventhebadboyssatinattitudesofattention,hypnotizedbythesolemnityofmydemeanor.
Iftheygotanyinklingofwhatthehailofbigwordswasabout,itmusthavebeenthroughoccult
suggestion.Ifixedtheireightyeyeswithmysinglestare,andgaveittothem,stanzaafterstanza,with
suchemphasisasthelamenessofthelinespermitted.
Hewhosecourage,will,amazingbravery,
Didfreehislandfromadespot'srule,
Fromman'sgreatestevil,almostslavery,
Andallthat'staughtintyranny'sschool,
TWOSCOREOFMYFELLOWCITIZENSPUBLICSCHOOL,CHELSEA
Whogavehislanditsliberty,
Whowashe?
'Twashewhoe'erwillbeourpride,
ImmortalWashington,
Whoalwaysdidintruthconfide.
WehailourWashington!
Thebestoftheverseswerenobetterthanthese,butthechildrenlistened.Theyhadto.PresentlyI
gavethemnews,declaringthatWashington
WrotethefamousConstitutionsacred'sthehand
Thatthisblessedguidetomanhadgiven,whichsays,"One
Andallofmankindarealike,exceptingnone."
Thiswasreceivedinrespectfulsilence,possiblybecausetheotherFellowCitizenswereashazyabout
historicalfactsasIatthispoint."HurrahforWashington!"theyunderstood,and"Threecheersforthe
Red,White,andBlue!"wasonlytobeexpectedonthatoccasion.Butthereranaspecialnotethrough
mypoemathoughtthatonlyIsraelRubinsteinorBeckieAronovitchcouldhavefullyunderstood,
besidesmyself.ForImademyselfthespokesmanofthe"lucklesssonsofAbraham,"saying
ThenwewearyHebrewchildrenatlastfoundrest
InthelandwherereignedFreedom,andlikeanest
Tohomelessbirdsyourlandprovedtous,andtherefore
Willwegratefullysingyourpraiseevermore.
Theboysandgirlswhohadneverbeenturnedawayfromanydoorbecauseoftheirfather'sreligion
satasiffascinatedintheirplaces.ButtheywokeupandapplaudedheartilywhenIwasdone,
followingtheexampleofMissDwight,whoworethehappyfacewhichmeantthatoneofherpupils
haddonewell.
Therecitationwasrepeated,byrequest,beforeseveralotherclasses,andtheapplausewasequally
prolongedateachrepetition.AftertheexercisesIwassurrounded,praised,questioned,andmade
muchof,byteachersaswellaspupils.PlainlyIhadnotpouredmypraiseofGeorgeWashingtoninto
deafears.Theteachersaskedmeifanybodyhadhelpedmewiththepoem.Thegirlsinvariablyasked,
"MaryAntin,howcouldyouthinkofallthosewords?"Noneofthemthoughtofthedictionary!
IfIhadbeensatisfiedwithmypoeminthefirstplace,theapplausewithwhichitwasreceivedbymy
teachersandschoolmatesconvincedmethatIhadproducedaveryfinethingindeed.Sotheperson,
whoeveritwas,perhapsmyfatherwhosuggestedthatmytributetoWashingtonoughttobe
printed,didnotfindmedifficulttopersuade.WhenIhadachievedanabsolutelyperfectcopyofmy
verses,attheexpenseofadozensheetsofbluerulednotepaper,IcrossedtheMysticRivertoBoston
andboldlyinvadedNewspaperrow.
Itneveroccurredtometosendmymanuscriptbymail.Infact,ithasneverbeenmywaytosenda
delegatewhereIcouldgomyself.Consciouslyorunconsciously,Ihavealwaysactedonthemottoof
awisemanwhowasoneofthedearestfriendsthatBostonkeptformeuntilIcame."Personal
presencemovestheworld,"saidthegreatDr.HaleandIwentinpersontobeardtheeditorinhis
armchair.
Fromtheferrysliptotheofficesofthe"BostonTranscript"thewaywaslong,strange,andfullof
perilsbutIkeptresolutelyonupHanoverStreet,beingfamiliarwiththatpartofmyroute,tillIcame
toapuzzlingcorner.ThereIstopped,utterlybewilderedbythetangleofstreets,theroaroftraffic,the
giddyswarmofpedestrians.Withthepreciousmanuscripttightlyclasped,Ibalancedmyselfonthe
curbstone,afraidtoplungeintotheboilingvortexofthecrossing.EverytimeImadeastart,a
clangingstreetcarsnatcheduptheway.Icouldnotevenpickoutmystreettheunobtrusivestreet
signswerelosttomyunpractisedsight,intheglaringconfusionofstoresignsandadvertisements.IfI
accostedapedestriantoasktheway,IhadtospeakseveraltimesbeforeIwasheard.Jews,hurrying
bywithbeardedchinsontheirbosomsandeyesintent,shruggedtheirshouldersatthename
"Transcript,"andshruggedtilltheywereoutofsight.Italianssaunteringbehindtheirfruitcarts
answeredmyinquirywithaliftoftheheadthatmadetheirearringsgleam,andawaveofthehand
thatreferredmetoallfourpointsofthecompassatonce.Iwastryingtocatchtheeyeofthetall
policemanwhostoodgrandlyinthemiddleofthecrossing,astoutpillararoundwhichthewavesof
trafficbroke,whendeliverancebellowedinmyear.
"Herald,Globe,Record,Traaveler!Eh?Whatcherwant,sis?"Thetallnewsboyhadtostooptome.
"Transcript?Sure!"Andinhalfatwinklinghehadpickedmeoutapaperfromhisbundle.WhenI
explainedtohim,hegoodnaturedlytuckedthepaperinagain,pilotedmeacross,unravelledtheend
ofWashingtonStreetforme,andwithmuchpointingoutoflandmarks,headedmeformy
destination,mynoseseekingthespireoftheOldSouthChurch.
Ifoundthe"Transcript"buildingawasteofcorridorstunnelledbyamazeofstaircases.Onthe
glazedglassdoorsweremanysignswiththenamesornicknamesofmanypersons:"CityEditor"
"BeggarsandPeddlersnotAllowed."Thenamelessworldnotincludedinthesecategorieswas
warnedoff,forbiddentobeordo:"PrivateNoAdmittance""Don'tKnock."Andthevarious
inhospitablelegendsonthedoorsandwallswerepunctuatedbyfrequentcuspidorsonthefloors.
TherewasnosignanywhereofthewelcomewhichI,asanauthor,expectedtofindinthehomeofa
newspaper.
Iwasdescendingfromthetopstorytothestreetfortheseventhtime,tryingtodecidewhatkindof
editorapatrioticpoembelongedto,whenanuntidyboycarryingbroadpaperstreamersandwhistling
shrilly,indefianceofanexpressprohibitiononthewall,bustledthroughthecorridorandleftadoor
ajar.Islippedinbehindhim,andfoundmyselfinaroomfullofeditors.
Iwasalittlesurprisedattheappearanceoftheeditors.IhadimaginedmyeditorwouldlooklikeMr.
Jones,theprincipalofmyschool,whosecoatwasalwaysbuttoned,andwhosefingernailswere
beautiful.Thesepeoplewereinshirtsleeves,andtheysmoked,andtheydidn'tpolitelyturnintheir
revolvingchairswhenIcamein,andask,"WhatcanIdoforyou?"
Theroomwasnoisywithtypewriters,andnobodyheardmy"Please,canyoutellme."Atlastoneof
themachinesstopped,andtheoperatorthoughtheheardsomethinginthepause.Helookedup
throughhisownsmoke.Iguesshethoughthesawsomething,forhestared.Ittroubledmealittleto
havehimstareso.IrealizedsuddenlythatthehandinwhichIcarriedmymanuscriptwasmoist,andI
wasafraiditwouldmakemarksonthepaper.Iheldoutthemanuscripttotheeditor,explainingthatit
wasapoemaboutGeorgeWashington,andwouldhepleaseprintitinthe"Transcript."
Therewassomethingqueeraboutthatparticulareditor.Thewayhestaredandsmiledmademefeel
aboutelevenincheshigh,andmyvoicekeptgrowingsmallerandsmallerasInearedtheendofmy
speech.
Atlasthespoke,layingdownhispipe,andsittingbackathisease.
"Soyouhavebroughtusapoem,mychild?"
"It'saboutGeorgeWashington,"Irepeatedimpressively."Don'tyouwanttoreadit?"
"Ishouldbedelighted,mydear,butthefactis"
Hedidnottakemypaper.Hestoodupandcalledacrosstheroom.
"Say,Jack!HereisayoungladywhohasbroughtusapoemaboutGeorgeWashington.Wroteit
yourself,mydear?Wroteitallherself.Whatshallwedowithher?"
Mr.Jackcameover,andanotherman.Myeditormademerepeatmybusiness,andtheyalllooked
interested,butnobodytookmypaperfromme.Theyputtheirhandsintotheirpockets,andmyhand
keptgrowingclammierallthetime.Thethreeseemedtobeconsulting,butIcouldnotunderstand
whattheysaid,orwhyMr.Jacklaughed.
Afourthman,whohadbeenwritingbusilyatadesknearby,brokeinontheconsultation.
"That'senough,boys,"hesaid,"that'senough.TaketheyoungladytoMr.Hurd."
Mr.Hurd,itwasfound,wasawayonavacation,andofseveralothereditorsinseveraloffices,to
whomIwasreferred,noneprovedtobethepropereditortotakechargeofapoemaboutGeorge
Washington.AtlastanelderlyeditorsuggestedthatasMr.Hurdwouldbeawayforsometime,I
woulddowelltogiveupthe"Transcript"andtrythe"Herald,"acrosstheway.
Alittletiredbymywanderings,andbewilderedbythecomplexityoftheeditorialsystem,butstill
confidentaboutmymission,IpickedmywayacrossWashingtonStreetandfoundthe"Herald"
offices.HereIhadinstantgoodluck.ThefirsteditorIaddressedtookmypaperandinvitedmetoa
seat.HereadmypoemmuchmorequicklythanIcouldmyself,andsaiditwasverynice,andasked
mesomequestions,andmadenotesonaslipofpaperwhichhepinnedtomymanuscript.Hesaidhe
wouldhavemypieceprintedverysoon,andwouldsendmeacopyoftheissueinwhichitappeared.
AsIwasgoing,Icouldnothelpgivingtheeditormyhand,althoughIhadnotexperiencedany
handshakinginNewspaperRow.Ifeltthatasauthorandeditorwewereonaverypleasantfooting,
andIgavehimmyhandintokenofcomradeship.
Ihadregainedmyfullstatureandsomethingover,duringthiscordialinterview,andwhenIstepped
outintothestreetandsawthecrowdintentlystudyingthebulletinboardIswelledoutofall
proportion.ForItoldmyselfthatI,MaryAntin,wasoneoftheinspiredbrotherhoodwhomade
newspaperssointeresting.Ididnotknowwhethermypoemwouldbeputuponthebulletinboardbut
atanyrate,itwouldbeinthepaper,withmynameatthebottom,likemystoryabout"Snow"inMiss
Dillingham'sschooljournal.Andallthesepeopleinthestreets,andmore,thousandsofpeopleall
Boston!wouldreadmypoem,andlearnmyname,andwonderwhoIwas.Ismiledtomyselfin
deliciousamusementwhenamandeliberatelyputmeoutofhispath,asIdreamedmywaythrough
thejostlingcrowdifheonlyknewwhomhewastreatingsounceremoniously!
Whenthepaperwithmypoeminitarrived,thewholehousepounceduponitatonce.Iwassurprised
tofindthatmyverseswerenotalloverthefrontpage.Thepoemwasalittlehardtofind,ifanything,
beingtuckedawayinthemiddleofthevoluminoussheet.Butwhenwefoundit,itlookedwonderful,
justlikerealpoetry,notatallasifsomebodyweknewhadwrittenit.Itoccupiedagratifyingamount
ofspace,andwasintroducedbyaflatteringbiographicalsketchoftheauthortheauthor!the
materialforwhichthefriendlyeditorhadartfullydrawnfrommeduringthathappyinterview.And
myname,asIhadprophesied,wasatthebottom!
Whentheexcitementinthehousehadsubsided,myfathertookallthechangeoutofthecashdrawer
andwenttobuyupthe"Herald."Hedidnotcountthepennies.Hejustbought"Heralds,"allhecould
layhishandson,anddistributedthemgratistoallourfriends,relatives,andacquaintancestoallwho
couldread,andtosomewhocouldnot.Forweekshecarriedaclippingfromthe"Herald"inhis
breastpocket,andfewweretheoccasionswhenhedidnotmanagetointroduceitintothe
conversation.HetreasuredthatclippingasforyearshehadtreasuredthelettersIwrotehimfrom
Polotzk.
Althoughmyfatherboughtupmostoftheissuecontainingmypoem,afewhundredcopieswereleft
tocirculateamongthegeneralpublic,enoughtospreadtheflameofmypatrioticardorandto
enkindleathousandsluggishhearts.Really,therewassomethingmoresolemnthanvanityinmy
satisfaction.PleasedasIwaswithmynotorietyandnobodybutIknewhowexceedinglypleasedI
hadasoberfeelingaboutitall.Ienjoyedbeingpraisedandadmiredandenviedbutwhatgavea
divineflavortomyhappinesswastheideathatIhadpubliclybornetestimonytothegoodnessofmy
exaltedhero,tothegreatnessofmyadoptedcountry.IdidnotdiscountthehomageofArlington
Street,becauseIdidnotproperlyratetheintelligenceofitspopulation.Itooktheadmirationofmy
schoolmateswithoutagrainofsaltitwasjustsomuchhoneytome.Icouldnotknowthatwhatmade
megreatintheeyesofmyneighborswasthat"therewasapieceaboutmeinthepaper"itmattered
verylittletothemwhatthe"piece"wasabout.Ithoughttheyreallyadmiredmysentiments.Onthe
street,intheschoolyard,Iwaspointedout.Thepeoplesaid,"That'sMaryAntin.Shehadhernamein
thepaper."Ithoughttheysaid,"ThisisshewholoveshercountryandworshipsGeorgeWashington."
Torepeat,IwaswellawarethatIwassomethingofacelebrity,andtookallpossiblesatisfactionin
thefactyetIgavemyschoolmatesnooccasiontocallme"stuckup."Myvanitydidnotexpressitself
instruttingorwaggingthehead.Iplayedtagandpussinthecornerintheschoolyard,anddid
everythingthatwascomradelike.ButintheschoolroomIconductedmyselfgravely,asbefittedone
whowaspreparingforthenoblecareerofapoet.
IamforgettingLizzieMcDee.IamtryingtogivetheimpressionthatIbehavedwithatleastoutward
modestyduringmyschoolgirltriumphs,whereasLizziecouldtestifythatsheknewMaryAntinasa
vainboastful,curlyheadedlittleJew.ForIhadaspecialstyleofdeportmentforLizzie.Iftherewas
anygirlintheschoolbesidesmewhocouldkeepnearthetopoftheclassalltheyearthrough,and
givebrightanswerswhentheprincipalortheschoolcommitteepoppedsuddenquestions,andwrite
rhymesthatalmostalwaysrhymed,Iwasdeterminedthatthatambitiouspersonshouldnotsoar
undulyinherownestimation.SoItookcaretoshowLizzieallmypoetry,andwhensheshowedme
hersIdidnotadmireittoowarmly.Lizzie,asIhavealreadysaid,wasinaSundayschoolmoodeven
onweekdaysherversesallhadmorals.Mypoemswereaboutthecrystalsnow,andtheoceanblue,
andsweetspring,andfleecycloudswhenItriedtodraginamoralitkickedsothatthemusicofmy
lineswentoutinagroan.SoIhadasweetrevengewhenLizzie,oneday,volunteeredtobolsterup
theeloquenceofMr.Jones,theprincipal,whowaslecturingtheclassforbadbehavior,bycomparing
thebadboyintheschoolroomtotherottenapplethatspoilsthebarrelful.Thegroans,coughs,a
hem's,feetshufflings,andpaperpelletsthatfilledtheroomasSaintElizabethsatdown,eveninthe
principal'spresence,weresweetbalmtomysmartofenvyIdidn'tcareifIdidn'tknowhowto
moralize.
WhenmyteacherhadvisitorsIwasawarethatIwastheshowpupiloftheclass.Iwasalwaysmade
torecite,mycompositionswerepassedaround,andoftenIwascalledupontheplatformoh,climax
ofexaltation!tobeinterviewedbythedistinguishedstrangerswhiletheclasstookadvantageofthe
teacher'sdistraction,toholdforbiddenintercourseonmattersnotprescribedinthecurriculum.WhenI
returnedtomyseat,aftersuchpublicaudiencewiththegreat,IlookedtoseeifLizzieMcDeewas
takingnoticeandLizzie,whowasageneroussoul,herSundayschoolairsnotwithstanding,generally
smiled,andIforgaveherherrhymes.
NotbutwhatIpaidapriceformyhonors.WithallmyselfpossessionIhadacertaincapacityfor
shyness.EvenwhenIarosetorecitebeforethecustomaryaudienceofmyclassIsufferedfrom
incipientstagefright,andmyvoicetrembledoverthefirstfewwords.Whenvisitorswereintheroom
IwasevenmoretroubledandwhenIwasmadethespecialobjectoftheirattentionmytriumphwas
marredbyacutedistress.IfIwascalleduptospeaktothevisitors,fortypairsofeyesprickedmein
thebackasIwent.Istumbledintheaisle,andknockeddownthingsthatwerenotatallinmyway
andmyawkwardnessincreasingmyembarrassmentIwouldgladlyhavechangedplaceswithLizzie
orthebadboyinthebackrowanything,onlytobelessconspicuous.WhenIfoundmyselfshaking
handswithanaugustSchoolCommitteeman,orateacherfromNewYork,theremnantsofmyself
possessionvanishedinaweanditwasinaveryhuskyvoicethatIrepeated,asIwasasked,myname,
lineage,andpersonalhistory.Onthewhole,IdonotthinkthattheSchoolCommitteemanfounda
veryforwardcreatureinthesolemnfacedlittlegirlwiththetightcurlsandtheterribleredandgreen
"plaid."
Theseawfulaudiencesdidnotalwaysendwiththehandshaking.Sometimesthegreatpersonages
askedmetowritetothem,andexchangedaddresseswithme.Someofthesecorrespondences
continuedthroughyears,andwerethesourceofmuchpleasure,ononesideatleast.AndArlington
StreettooknoticewhenIreceivedletterswithimportantlookingoraristocraticlookingletterheads.
LizzieMcDeealsotooknotice.Isawtothat.
CHAPTERXII
MIRACLES
ITwasnotalwaysinadmirationthatthefingerwaspointedatme.OnedayIfoundmyselfthecentre
ofanexcitedgroupinthemiddleoftheschoolyard,withadozengirlsinterruptingeachotherto
expresstheirdisapprovalofme.ForIhadcoollytoldthem,inanswertoaquestion,thatIdidnot
believeinGod.
HowhadIarrivedatsuchaconviction?HowhadIcome,fromprayingandfastingandPsalm
singing,toextremeimpiety?Alas!mybackslidinghadcostmenotravailofspirit.Alwaysweakin
myfaith,playingatsanctityasIplayedatsoldiers,justasIwasinthemoodornot,Ihadneglected
mybooksofdevotionandgivenmyselfuptoprofaneliteratureatthefirstopportunity,inVitebsk
andInevertookupmyprayerbookagain.OnmyreturntoPolotzk,Americaloomedsonearthatmy
imaginationwasfullyoccupied,andIdidnotrevivethesecretexperimentswithwhichIusedtotest
thenatureandintentionofDeity.ItwasmoretomethatIwasgoingtoAmericathanthatImightnot
begoingtoHeaven.Andwhenwejoinedmyfather,andIsawthathedidnotwearthesacredfringes,
anddidnotputonthephylacteriesandpray,Iwasneithersurprisednorshocked,rememberingthe
Sabbathnightwhenhehadwithhisownhandturnedoutthelamp.WhenIsawhimgoouttoworkon
Sabbathexactlyasonaweekday,IunderstoodwhyGodhadnotannihilatedmewithhislightnings
thattimewhenIpurposelycarriedsomethinginmypocketonSabbath:therewasnoGod,andthere
wasnosin.AndIranouttoplay,pleasedtofindthatIwasfree,likeotherlittlegirlsinthestreet,
insteadofbeinghemmedaboutwithprohibitionsandobligationsateverystep.Andyetifthegolden
truthofJudaismhadnotbeenhandedmeinthemotleyragsofformalism,Imightnothavebeenso
readytoputawaymyreligion.
ItwasRachelGoldsteinwhoprovokedmyavowalofatheism.SheaskedifIwasn'tgoingtostayout
ofschoolduringPassover,andIsaidno.Wasn'tIaJew?shewantedtoknow.No,Iwasn'tIwasa
Freethinker.Whatwasthat?Ididn'tbelieveinGod.Rachelwashorrified.Why,KittyMaloney
believedinGod,andKittywasonlyaCatholic!SheappealedtoKitty.
"KittyMaloney!Comeoverhere.Don'tyoubelieveinGod?There,now,MaryAntin!MaryAntin
saysshedoesn'tbelieveinGod!"
RachelGoldstein'shorrorisduplicated.KittyMahoney,whousedtomockRachel'sJewishaccent,
instantlybecomeshervolubleally,andproceedstoannihilatemebyplyingmewithcrucialquestions.
"Youdon'tbelieveinGod?Thenwhomadeyou,MaryAntin?"
"Naturemademe."
"Naturemadeyou!What'sthat?"
"It'severything.It'sthetreesno,it'swhatmakesthetreesgrow.That'swhatitis."
"ButGodmadethetrees,MaryAntin,"fromRachelandKittyinchorus."MaggieO'Reilly!Listento
MaryAntin.Shesaysthereisn'tanyGod.Shesaysthetreesmadeher!"
RachelandKittyandMaggie,SadieandAnnieandBeckie,madeacirclearoundme,andpressedme
withquestions,andmockedme,andthreatenedmewithhellflamesandutterextinction.Iheldmy
groundagainstthemallobstinatelyenough,thoughmyargumentwasexceedinglylame.Iglibly
repeatedphrasesIhadheardmyfatheruse,butIhadnorealunderstandingofhisatheisticdoctrines.I
hadbeensurprisedintothisdispute.Ihadnospontaneousinterestinthesubjectmymindwas
occupiedwithotherthings.Butasthenumberofmyopponentsgrew,andIsawhowunanimously
theycondemnedme,myindifferenceturnedintoaheatofindignation.Theactualpointatissuewas
aslittleasevertome,butIperceivedthatacrowdofFreeAmericansweredisputingtherightofa
FellowCitizentohaveanykindofGodshechose.Iknew,frommyfather'steaching,thatthis
persecutionwascontrarytotheConstitutionoftheUnitedStates,andIheldmygroundasbefittedthe
defenderofacause.GeorgeWashingtonwouldnothavetreatedmeasRachelGoldsteinandKitty
Maloneyweredoing!"Thisisafreecountry,"Iremindedtheminthemiddleoftheargument.
Theexcitementintheyardamountedtoatoyriot.Whentheschoolbellrangandthechildrenbegan
tofilein,Istoodoutthereaslongasanyofmyenemiesremained,althoughitwasmyhabittogoto
myroomverypromptly.AndasthefoesofAmericanLibertycrowdedandpushedintheline,
whisperingtothosewhohadnotheardthataheretichadbeendiscoveredintheirmidst,theteacher
whokeptthelineinthecorridorwasobligedtoscoldandpullthenoisyonesintoorder,andSadie
Cohentoldher,intonesofawe,whatthecommotionwasabout.
MissBlandwaitedtillthechildrenhadfiledinbeforesheaskedme,inatoneencouraging
confidence,togivemyversionofthestory.ThisIdid,huskilybutfearlesslyandtheteacher,who
wasawomanoftact,didnotsmileorcommitherselfinanyway.Shewassorrythatthechildrenhad
beenrudetome,butshethoughttheywouldnottroublemeanymoreifIletthesubjectdrop.She
mademeunderstand,somewhatasMissDillinghamhaddoneontheoccasionofmywhispering
duringprayer,thatitwasproperAmericanconducttoavoidreligiousargumentsonschoolterritory.I
felthonoredbythisprivateinitiationintothedoctrineoftheseparationofChurchandState,andI
wenttomyseatwithagooddealofdignity,myalarmaboutthesafetyoftheConstitutionallayedby
theteacher'scalmness.
ThisisnotsostrictlythestoryofthesecondgenerationthatImaynotproperlygiveabriefaccountof
howitfaredwithmymotherwhenmyfatherundertooktopurgehishouseofsuperstition.The
processofheremancipation,itistrue,wasnotobvioustomeatthetime,butwhatIobservedofher
outwardconducthasbeeninterpretedbymysubsequentexperiencesothattodayIunderstandhowit
happensthatalltheyearroundmymotherkeepsthesamedayofrestasherGentileneighborsbut
whentheram'shornblowsontheDayofAtonement,callinguponIsraeltocleanseitsheartfromsin
anddrawnearertotheGodofitsfathers,hersoulisstirredasofold,andsheneedsmustjoininthe
ancientservice.Itmeans,Ihavecometoknow,thatshehasdroppedthehuskandretainedthekernel
ofJudaismbutyearswererequiredforthisprocessofinstinctiveselection.
Myfather,inhisambitiontomakeAmericansofus,wasratherheadlongandstrenuousinhis
methods.Tomymother,ontheeveofdeparturefortheNewWorld,hewroteboldlythatprogressive
JewsinAmericadidnotspendtheirdaysinprayingandheurgedhertoleaveherwiginPolotzk,asa
firststepofprogress.Mymother,likethemajorityofwomeninthePale,hadallherlifetakenher
religiononauthoritysoshewasonlyfulfillingherdutytoherhusbandwhenshetookhishint,and
setoutuponherjourneyinherownhair.NotthatitwasdonewithoutreluctancetheJewishfaithin
herwasdeeplyrooted,asinthebestofJewsitalwaysis.ThelawoftheFatherswasbindingtoher,
andtheoutwardsymbolsofobedienceinseparablefromthespirit.Butthebreathofrevoltagainst
orthodoxexternalswasatthistimebeginningtoreachusinPolotzkfromthegreaterworld,notably
fromAmerica.Sonswhoseparentshadimpoverishedthemselvesbypayingthefinefornon
appearanceformilitaryduty,inordertosavetheirdarlingsfromtheinevitablesinsofviolated
Judaismwhileintheservice,senthomeportraitsofthemselveswiththeirfacesshaved,andthe
grievedoldfathersandmothers,afterofferingupspecialprayersfortherenegades,andgivingcharity
intheirname,exhibitedthesignificantportraitsontheirparlortables.Mymother'sownnephewwent
nofartherthanVilna,tenhours'journeyfromPolotzk,tolearntocuthisbeardandevenwithinour
townlimitsyoungwomenofeducationwerebeginningtorejectthewigaftermarriage.Anotorious
examplewasthebeautifuldaughterofLozhetheRav,whowasnotrestrainedbyherfather's
conspicuousrelationtoJudaismfromexhibitingherlovelyblackcurlslikeamaidenanditwasa
furthersignofthetimesthattheravdidnotdisownhisdaughter.Whatwonder,then,thatmypoor
mother,shakenbytheseforeshadowingsofrevolutioninourmidst,andbytheexpressauthorityof
herhusband,gaveuptheemblemofmatrimonialchastitywithbutapassingstruggle?Considering
howtheheavyburdenswhichshehadbornefromchildhoodhadneverallowedhertimetothinkfor
herselfatall,buthadobligedheralwaystotreadblindlyinthebeatenpaths,Ithinkitgreatlytoher
creditthatinherpuzzlingsituationshedidnotloseherpoiseentirely.Bredtosubmission,submitshe
mustandwhensheperceivedaconflictofauthorities,shepreparedtoaccepttheneworderofthings
underwhichherchildren'sfuturewastobeformedwhereinsheshowedhernativeadaptability,the
readinesstofallintoline,whichisoneofthemostcharmingtraitsofhergentle,selfeffacingnature.
Myfathergavemymotherverylittletimetoadjustherself.HewasonlythreeyearsfromtheOld
Worldwithitssettledprejudices.Consideringhiseducation,hehadthoughtoutagooddealfor
himself,buthislineofthinkinghadnotasyetbroughthimtoincludewomanintheintellectual
emancipationforwhichhehimselfhadbeensoeagereveninRussia.Thiswasstillinthedaywhenhe
wasastonishedtolearnthatwomenhadwrittenbookshadusedtheirminds,theirimaginations,
unaided.Hestillratedthementalcapacityoftheaveragewomanasonlyalittleabovethatofthe
cattleshetended.Heheldittobeawife'sdutytofollowherhusbandinallthings.Hecoulddoallthe
thinkingforthefamily,hebelievedandbeingconvincedthattoholdtotheoutwardformsof
orthodoxJudaismwastobehamperedintheraceforAmericanization,hedidnothesitatetoorderour
familylifeonunorthodoxlines.Therewasnoconsciousdespotisminthisitwasonlymakingmanly
hastetorealizeanidealthenobilityofwhichtherewasnoonetodispute.
Mymother,asweknow,hadnottheinitialimpulsetodepartfromancientusagethatmyfatherhadin
hishabitualscepticism.Hehadalwaysbeenanonconformistinhisheartsheborelovinglytheyoke
ofprescribedconduct.Individualfreedom,tohim,wastheonlytolerableconditionoflifetoherit
wasconfusion.Mymother,therefore,graduallydivestedherself,atmyfather'sbidding,ofthemantle
oforthodoxobservancebuttheprocesscosthermanyapang,becausethefabricofthatvenerable
garmentwasinterwovenwiththefabricofhersoul.
Myfatherdidnotattempttotouchthefundamentalsofherfaith.Hecertainlydidnotforbidherto
honorGodbylovingherneighbor,whichisperhapsnotfarfrombeingthewholeofJudaism.Ifhis
louddenialsoftheexistenceofGodinfluencedhertoreconsiderhercreed,itwasmerelyan
incidentalresultofthefreedomofexpressionhewassoeagertopractise,afterhislifeofenforced
hypocrisy.Astheopinionsofamerewomanonmatterssoabstractasreligiondidnotinteresthimin
theleast,hecounteditnoparticulartriumphifheobservedthatmymotherweakenedinherfaithas
theyearswentby.HeallowedhertokeepaJewishkitchenaslongasshepleased,buthedidnotwant
uschildrentorefuseinvitationstothetableofourGentileneighbors.Hewouldhavenobartoour
socialintercoursewiththeworldaroundus,foronlybyfreelysharingthelifeofourneighborscould
wecomeintoourfullinheritanceofAmericanfreedomandopportunity.Ontheholydayshebought
mymotheraticketforthesynagogue,butthechildrenhesenttoschool.OnSabbathevemymother
mightlighttheconsecratedcandles,buthekeptthestoreopenuntilSundaymorning.Mymother
mightbelieveandworshipasshepleased,uptothepointwhereherorthodoxybegantointerferewith
theAmericanprogressofthefamily.
Thepricethatallofuspaidforthisdisorganizationofourfamilylifehasbeenleviedonevery
immigrantJewishhouseholdwherethefirstgenerationclingstothetraditionsoftheOldWorld,while
thesecondgenerationleadsthelifeoftheNew.Nothingmorepitifulcouldbewrittenintheannalsof
theJewsnothingmoreinevitablenothingmorehopeful.Hopeful,yesalikefortheJewandforthe
countrythathasgivenhimshelter.ForIsraelisnottheonlypartythathasputupaforfeitinthis
contest.Thenationsmaywellsitbyandwatchthestruggle,forhumanityhasastakeinit.Isaythis,
whoselifehasbornewitness,whoseheartisheavywithrevelationsithasnotmade.AndIspeakfor
thousandsoh,forthousands!
MygrayhairsaretoofewformetoletthesepagestrespassthelimitIhavesetmyself.Thatpartof
mylifewhichcontainstheclimaxofmypersonaldramaImustleavetomygrandchildrentorecord.
Myfathermightspeakandtellhow,intime,hediscoveredthatinhisfirstviolentrejectionof
everythingoldandestablishedhecastfromhimmuchthatheafterwardsmissed.Hemighttellto
whatextenthelaterretracedhissteps,seekingtorecoverwhathehadlearnedtovalueanewhowit
faredwithhisavowedirreligionwhenputtotheextremetesttowhat,inshort,hisemancipation
amounted.Andhe,likemyself,wouldspeakforthousands.Mygrandchildren,forallIknow,may
haveagravertaskthanIhavesetthem.PerhapstheymayhavetotestifythatthefaithofIsraelisa
heritagethatnoheirinthedirectlinehasthepowertoalienatefromhissuccessors.EvenI,withmy
limitedperspective,thinkitdoubtfuliftheconversionoftheJewtoanyalienbeliefordisbeliefis
everthoroughlyaccomplished.WhatpositiveaffirmationofthepersistenceofJudaismintheblood
mydescendantsmayhavetomake,Imaynotbepresenttohear.
ItwouldbesuperfluoustostatethatnoneofthesehintsandpropheciestroubledmeatthetimewhenI
horrifiedtheschoolyardbydenyingtheexistenceofGod,ontheauthorityofmyfatheranddefended
myrighttomyatheism,ontheauthorityoftheConstitution.Iconsideredmyselfabsolutely,eternally,
delightfullyemancipatedfromtheyokeofindefensiblesuperstitions.Iwaswildwithindignationand
pitywhenIrememberedhowmypoorbrotherhadbeencruellytormentedbecausehedidnotwantto
sitinhederandlearnwhatwasafterallfalseoruseless.IknewnowwhypoorReb'Lebehadbeen
unabletoanswermyquestionsitwasbecausethetruthwasnotwhisperedoutsideAmerica.Iwas
verymuchinlovewithmyenlightenment,andeagerforopportunitiestogiveproofofit.
ItwasMissDillingham,shewhohelpedmeinsomanyways,whounconsciouslyputmetoanearly
test,theresultofwhichgavemeashockthatIdidnotgetoverformanyaday.Sheinvitedmetotea
oneday,andIcameinmuchtrepidation.ItwasmyfirstentranceintoagenuineAmericanhousehold
myfirstmealataGentileyes,aChristianboard.WouldIknowhowtobehaveproperly?Idonot
knowwhetherIbetrayedmyanxietyIamcertainonlythatIwasalleyesandears,thatnothing
shouldescapemewhichmightservetoguideme.This,afterall,wasanormalstateformetobein,so
IsupposeIlookednatural,nomatterhowmuchIstared.Ihadbeenaccustomedtoconsidermytable
mannersirreproachable,butAmericawasnotPolotzk,asmyfatherwaseversayingsoIproceeded
verycautiouslywithmyspoonsandforks.Iwascunningenoughtotrytoconcealmyuncertaintyby
beingjustalittlebitslow,Ididnotgettoanygivenspoonuntiltheothersattablehadshownme
whichitwas.
Allwentwell,untilaplatterwaspassedwithakindofmeatthatwasstrangetome.Some
mischievousinstincttoldmethatitwashamforbiddenfoodandI,theliberal,thefree,wasafraidto
touchit!Ihadaterriblemomentofsurprise,mortification,selfcontemptbutIhelpedmyselftoa
sliceofham,nevertheless,andhungmyheadovermyplatetohidemyconfusion.Iwasfuriouswith
myselfformyweakness.Itobeafraidofapinkpieceofpig'sflesh,whohaddefiedatleasttwo
religionsindefenceoffreethought!AndIbegantoreducemyhamtoindivisibleatoms,determined
toeatmoreofitthananybodyatthetable.
Alas!Ilearnedthattoeatindefenceofprincipleswasnotsoeasyastotalk.Iate,butonlyanewly
abnegatedJewcanunderstandwithwhatsquirming,whatprotestingoftheinnerman,whatexquisite
abhorrenceofmyself.ThatSpartanboywhoallowedthestolenfoxhiddeninhisbosomtoconsume
hisvitalsratherthanbedetectedinthetheft,showednosuchmiracleofselfcontrolasdidI,sitting
thereatmyfriend'steatable,eatingunjewishmeat.
Andtothinkthatsoridiculousathingasascrapofmeatshouldbethesymbolandtestofthingsso
august!Tothinkthatinthementallifeofahalfgrownchildshouldbereflectedthestrugglesand
triumphsofages!OverandoverandoveragainIdiscoverthatIamawonderfulthing,beinghuman
thatIamtheimageoftheuniverse,beingmyselfthatIamtherepositoryofallthewisdominthe
world,beingaliveandsaneatthebeginningofthistwentiethcentury.TheheiroftheagesamI,and
allthathasbeenisinme,andshallcontinuetobeinmyimmortalself.
CHAPTERXIII
ACHILD'SPARADISE
ALLthiswhilethatIwasstudyingandexploringintheborderlandbetweentheoldlifeandthenew
leapingatconclusions,andsometimesslippingfindinginspirationincommonthings,and
interpretationsindumbthingseagerlyscalingtheladderoflearning,myeyesonstardiademmed
peaksofambitionbuildingupfriendshipsthatshouldsupportmyyouthandenrichmywomanhood
learningtothinkmuchofmyself,andmuchmoreofmyworld,whileIwassteadilygatheringinmy
heritage,sowedinthedimpast,andripenedinthesunofmyownday,whatwasmysisterdoing?
Why,whatshehadalwaysdone:keepingclosetomymother'ssideonthedrearymarchesofa
humdrumlifesensingsweetgardensofforbiddenjoy,butneverturningfromthepathofduty.I
cannotbelievebutthathersacrificestastedasdustandashestoherattimesforFriedawasamere
girl,whosechildhood,onthewhole,hadbeengray,whileherappetiteforhappythingswasasgreat
asanynormalgirl's.Shehadafinesenseforwhatwasbestinthelifeabouther,thoughshecouldnot
articulateherappreciation.Shelongedtopossessthegoodthings,butherpositioninthefamily
forbiddingpossession,shedevelopedatalentforvicariousenjoymentwhichIneverinthislifehope
toimitate.Andhersimpleminddidnotbusyitselfwithselfanalysis.Shedidnotevenknowwhyshe
washappyshethoughtlifewasgoodtoher.Still,theremusthavebeenmomentswhensheperceived
thatthefinerthingswerenotinthemselvesunattainable,butwerekeptfromherbyasocialtyranny.
ThisIcanonlysurmise,asinourdailyintercourseshenevergaveasignofdiscontent.
Wecontinuedtohavepartofourlifeincommonforsometimeaftershewenttowork.Weformed
ourselvesintoaneveningschool,sheandIandthetwoyoungsters,forthestudyofEnglishand
arithmetic.Assoonasthesupperdisheswereputaway,wegatheredaroundthekitchentable,with
booksborrowedfromschool,andpencilssuppliedbymyfatherwitheagerwillingness.Iwasthe
teacher,theothersthediligentpupilsandtheearnestnesswithwhichwelaboredwasworthyofthe
greatthingswemeanttoachieve.WhethertheresultswerecommensuratewithoureffortsIcannot
say.IonlyknowthatFrieda'scheeksflamedwiththeexcitementofreadingEnglishmonosyllables
andhereyesshonelikestarsonamoonlessnightwhenIexplainedtoherhowsheandIandGeorge
WashingtonwereFellowCitizenstogether.
Inspiredbyourstudiousevenings,whatFriedaAntinwouldnotbegladtositalldaybentoverthe
needle,thatthefamilyshouldkeeponitsfeet,andMarycontinueatschool?Themorningrideonthe
ferryboat,whenspringwindsdimpledtheriver,mayhavestirredherheartwithnamelesslonglngs,
butwhenshetookherplaceatthemachineherlotwasglorifiedtoher,andshewantedtosingforthe
girls,theforeman,theboss,alltalkedaboutMaryAntin,whosepoemswereprintedinanAmerican
newspaper.Wherevershewentonherhumblebusiness,shewassuretohearhersister'sname.For,
withcharacteristicloyalty,thewholeJewishcommunityclaimedkinshipwithme,simplybecauseI
wasaJewandtheymademuchofmysmalltriumphs,andpointedtomewithpride,justasthey
alwaysdowhenaJewdistinguisheshimselfinanyworthyway.Frieda,goinghomefromworkat
sunset,whenrosybudsbeadedtheshiningstems,mayhavefeltthewearinessofthosewhotoilfor
breadbutwhenweopenedourbooksaftersupper,herspiritrevivedafresh,anditwasonlywhenthe
lampbegantosmokethatshethoughtoftakingrest.
AtbedtimesheandIchattedasweusedtodowhenwewerelittlegirlsinPolotzkonlynow,instead
ofclosingoureyestoseeimaginarywonders,accordingtoabedtimegameofours,weexchanged
anecdotesaboutthemarvellousadventuresofourAmericanlife.Mycontributionsontheseoccasions
wereboastfulaccounts,Ihavenodoubt,ofwhatIdidatschool,andinthecompanyofschool
committeemen,editors,andothernotablesandFrieda'sdelightinmyachievementswasthevery
flowerofherfinesympathy.Asformerly,whenIhadbeennaughtyandIinvitedhertoshareinmy
repentance,sheusedtojoinmeinspiritualhumilityandsolemnlydedicateherselftoabetterlifeso
now,whenIwasfullofprideandambition,she,too,feltthecrownonherbrows,andheardthe
applauseoffuturegenerationsmurmuringinherear.Andsopartakingofhersister'sglory,what
FriedaAntinwouldnotsaythatherportionwassufficientrewardforayouthoftoil?
Ididnot,likemysister,earnmybreadinthosedaysbutletussaythatIearnedmysalt,bysweeping,
scrubbing,andscouring,onSaturdays,whentherewasnoschool.Mymother'shousekeepingwas
necessarilyirregular,asshewasprettyconstantlyoccupiedinthestoresotherewasenoughforus
childrentodotokeepthebareroomsshining.EvenhereFriedadidthelion'sshareitusedtotakeme
allSaturdaytoaccomplishwhatFriedawoulddowithhalfadozenturnsofhercapablehands.Idid
notlikehousework,butIlovedordersoIpolishedwindowswithawill,andevengotsomefunoutof
scrubbing,bylayingoutthefloorinpatternsandtracingthemallaroundtheroominalivelyflurryof
soapsuds.
Thereisajoythatcomesfromdoingcommonthingswell,especiallyiftheyseemhardtous.WhenI
facedaday'shouseworkIwashalfparalyzedwithasenseofinability,andIwastedpreciousminutes
walkingaroundit,toseewhataveryhardtaskIhad.Buthavingpitchedinandconquered,itgaveme
anexquisitepleasuretosurveymywork.Myhairtousledandmydresstuckedup,streakedarmsbare
totheelbow,Iwouldsteponmyheelsoverthedamp,cleanboards,andpassmyhandoverchair
roundsandtablelegs,toprovethatnodustwasleft.Icouldnotwaittoputmydressinorderbefore
runningoutintothestreettoseehowmywindowsshone.Everyworkmanwhocarriesadinnerpail
hasthesemomentsofkeendelightintheproductofhisdrudgery.Menofgenius,likewise,intheir
hoursofrelaxationfromtheirloftiertasks,provethisuniversalrule.Iknowamanwhofillsachairat
agreatuniversity.Ihaveseenhimholdaroomfulofotherwiserestlessyouthsspellboundforanhour,
whilehediscoursedabouttherespectiveinhabitantsoftheearthandseaatatimewhennothing
walkedonfewerthanfourlegs.AndIhaveseenthisscholar,hisponderoustomesshelvedfora
space,turningoverandoverwithcherishinghandsaletterboxthathehadmadeoutofcardboard
andpaste,andexhibitingitproudlytohisfriends.Forthehandwasthefirstinstrumentoflabor,that
distinctiveaccomplishmentbywhichmanfinallyraisedhimselfabovehiscousins,theloweranimals
andarespectfortheworkofthehandsurvivesasaninstinctinallofus.
ThestretchofweeksfromJunetoSeptember,whentheschoolswereclosed,wouldhavebeenhardto
fillinhaditnotbeenforthepubliclibrary.AtfirstImademyselfacalendarofthevacationmonths,
andeverymorningItoreoffaday,andcomfortedmyselfwiththedecreasingnumberofvacation
days.ButafterIdiscoveredthepubliclibraryIwasnotimpatientforthereopeningofschool.The
librarydidnotopentilloneo'clockintheafternoon,andeachreaderwasallowedtotakeoutonlyone
bookatatime.Longbeforeoneo'clockIwastobeseenonthelibrarysteps,waitingforthedoorof
paradisetoopen.Ispenthoursinthereadingroom,pleasedwiththeatmosphereofbooks,withthe
orderandquietoftheplace,sounlikeanythingonArlingtonStreet.Thesenseofthesethings
permeatedmyconsciousnessevenwhenIwasabsorbedinabook,justastherustleofpagesturned
andthetiptoetreadofthelibrarianreachedmyear,withoutdistractingmyattention.Anythingso
wonderfulasalibraryhadneverbeeninmylife.Itwasevenbetterthanschoolinsomeways.One
couldreadandread,andlearnandlearn,asfastasoneknewhow,withoutbeingobligedtostopfor
stupidlittlegirlsandinattentivelittleboystocatchupwiththelesson.WhenIwenthomefromthe
libraryIhadabookundermyarmandIwouldfinishitbeforethelibraryopenednextday,nomatter
tillwhathoursofthenightIburnedmylittlelamp.
WhatbooksdidIreadsodiligently?Prettynearlyeverythingthatcametomyhand.Idaresaythe
librarianhelpedmeselectmybooks,but,curiouslyenough,Idonotremember.Somethingmusthave
directedme,forIreadagreatmanyofthebooksthatarewrittenforchildren.OftheseIremember
withthegreatestdelightLouisaAlcott'sstories.AlessattractiveseriesofbookswasoftheSunday
Schooltype.InvolumeaftervolumeaverynaughtylittlegirlbythenameofLuluwasalwaysgoing
intotempers,thatherfathermighthaveopportunitytolectureherandpointtoherangeliclittlesister,
Gracie,asanexampleofwhatsheshouldbeafterwhichtheyallfeltbetterandprayed.Nextto
LouisaAlcott'sbooksinmyesteemwereboys'booksofadventure,manyofthembyHoratioAlger
andIreadall,Isuppose,oftheRollobooks,byJacobAbbott.
Butthatwasnotall.Ireadeverykindofprintedrubbishthatcameintothehouse,bydesignor
accident.Aweeklystorypaperofaworsethanworthlesscharacter,thatcirculatedwidelyinour
neighborhoodbecausesubscriberswererewardedwithapremiumofadiamondring,warrantedI
don'tknowhowmanykarats,occupiedmeforhours.Thestoriesinthispaperresembled,in
breathlessnessofplot,abundanceofhorrors,andimprobabilityofcharacters,thethingsIusedtoread
inVitebsk.Thetextwasillustratedbyfrequentpictures,inwhichthevillaingenerallyhadhishands
ontheheroine'sthroat,whiletheherowasburstinginthroughagracefuldraperytotherescueofhis
beloved.Ifabundlecameintothehousewrappedinastainedoldnewspaper,Ilaboriouslysmoothed
outthepaperandreaditthrough.Ienjoyeditall,andfoundfaultwithnothingthatIread.And,asin
thecaseoftheVitebskreadings,IcannotfindthatIsufferedanyharm.Ofcourse,readingsomany
betterbooks,therecameatimewhenthediamondringstorypaperdisgustedmebutinthebeginning
myappetiteforprintwassoenormousthatIcouldletnothingpassthroughmyhandsunread,while
mytastewassocrudethatnothingprintedcouldoffendme.
Goodreadingmattercameintothehousefromoneothersourcebesidesthelibrary.TheYiddish
newspapersofthedaywereexcellent,andmyfathersubscribedtothebestofthem.Sincethattime
Yiddishjournalismhassadlydegenerated,throughimitationofthevicious"yellowjournals"ofthe
Americanpress.
TherewasonebookinthelibraryoverwhichIporedveryoften,andthatwastheencyclopdia.I
turnedusuallytothenamesoffamouspeople,beginning,ofcourse,withGeorgeWashington.
OftenestofallIreadthebiographicalsketchesofmyfavoriteauthors,andfeltthattheworthiesmust
havebeengladtodiejusttohavetheirnamesandhistoriesprintedoutinthebookoffame.Itseemed
tometheapotheosisofglorytobeevenbrieflymentionedinanencyclopdia.Andtheregrewinme
anenormousambitionthatdevouredallmyotherambitions,whichwasnolessthanthis:thatIshould
livetoknowthataftermydeathmynamewouldsurelybeprintedintheencyclopdia.Itwassucha
prodigiousthingtoexpectthatIkepttheideaasecretevenfrommyself,justlettingitliewhereit
sprouted,inanunexploredcornerofmybusybrain.Butitgrewonmeinspiteofmyself,tillfinallyI
couldnotresistthetemptationtostudyouttheexactplaceintheencyclopdiawheremynamewould
belong.Isawthatitwouldcomenotfarfrom"Alcott,LouisaM."andIcoveredmyfacewithmy
hands,tohidethesilly,baselessjoyinit.Ipractisedsayingmynameintheencyclopdicform,
"Antin,Mary"andIrealizedthatitsoundedchoppedoff,andwonderedifImightnotannexamiddle
initial.Iwantedtoaskmyteacheraboutit,butIwasafraidImightbetraymyreasons.For,infatuated
thoughIwaswiththeideaofthegreatnessImightlivetoattain,Iknewverywellthatthusfarmy
claimstoposthumousfamewereridiculouslyunfounded,andIdidnotwanttobelaughedatformy
vanity.
Spiritofallchildhood!Forgiveme,forgiveme,forsolightlybetrayingachild'sdreamsecrets.Ithat
smilesoscoffinglytodayattheunsophisticatedchildthatwasmyself,haveIfoundanynoblerthing
inlifethanmyownlongingtobenoble?WouldInotratherbeconsumedbyambitionsthatcannever
berealizedthanliveinstupidacceptanceofmyneighbor'sopinionofme?Thestatueinthepublic
squareislessaportraitofamortalindividualthanasymboloftheimmortalaspirationofhumanity.
Sodonotlaughatthelittleboyplayingatsoldiers,ifhetellsyouheisgoingtohewtheworldinto
goodbehaviorwhenhegetstobeaman.Anddo,byallmeans,writemynameinthebookoffame,
saying,Shewasonewhoaspired.Forthat,incondensedform,isthestoryofthelivesofthegreat.
Summerdaysarelong,andtheevenings,weknow,areaslongasthelampwick.So,withallmy
reading,Ihadtimetoplayand,withallmystudiousness,Ihadthewilltoplay.Myfavorite
playmateswereboys.ItwasbutmildfuntoplaytheatreinBessieFinklestein'sbackyard,evenifI
hadleadingparts,whichImadeimpressivebyrecitationsinRussian,nowordofwhichwas
intelligibletomyaudience.Itwasfarbettersporttoplayhideandseekwiththeboys,forIenjoyed
theuseofmylimbswhattherewasofthem.Iwassooftenreproachedandteasedforbeinglittle,
thatitgavemegreatsatisfactiontobeatafivefootboytothegoal.
Onceagreat,hulkycoloredboy,whowasthetormentoftheneighborhood,treatedmeroughlywhile
Iwasplayingonthestreet.Myfather,determinedtoteachtherascalalessonforonce,hadhim
arrestedandbroughttocourt.Theboywaslockedupovernight,andheemergedfromhisbrief
imprisonmentwitharespectfortherightsandpersonsofhisneighbors.Butthemoralofthisincident
liesnotherein.WhatinterestedmemorethanmyrevengeonabullywaswhatIsawofthewayin
whichjusticewasactuallyadministeredintheUnitedStates.Hereweweregatheredinthelittle
courtroom,beardedArlingtonStreetagainstwoolheadedArlingtonStreetaccusedandaccuser,
witnesses,sympathizers,sightseers,andall.Nobodycringed,nobodywasbullied,nobodyliedwho
didn'twantto.Wewereallfree,andalltreatedequally,justasitsaidintheConstitution!Theevil
doerwasactuallypunished,andnotthevictim,asmightveryeasilyhappeninasimilarcasein
Russia."Libertyandjusticeforall."ThreecheersfortheRed,White,andBlue!
TherewasoneoccasionintheweekwhenIwaseverwillingtoputawaymybook,nomatterhow
entrancingwereitspages.ThatwasonSaturdaynight,whenBessieFinklesteincalledformeand
BessieandI,witharmsentwined,calledforSadieRabinowitchandBessieandSadieandI,still
furtherentwined,calledforAnnieReillyandBessie,etc.,etc.,inextricablywoundup,marchedup
Broadway,andtookpossessionofallwesaw,heard,guessed,ordesired,fromendtoendofthatmain
thoroughfareofChelsea.
Paradingallabreast,asmanyaswewere,onlybreakingrankstoletpeoplepassleavingtheimprints
ofournosesandfingersonplateglasswindowsablazewithelectriclightsandalluringwithdisplay
inspectingtonsofcheapcandy,tofindafewpennies'worthofthemostenduringkind,thesametobe
suckedandchewedbythecompany,turnandturnabout,aswecontinuedourpromenadeloitering
whereveracrowdgathered,orrunningforablockorsotocheeronthefireengineorpolice
ambulancegettingintoeverybody'sway,andjustkeepingclearofseriousmischief,wewereonly
girls,weenjoyedourselvesasonlychildrencanwhosefatherskeepabasementgrocerystore,
whosemothersdotheirownwashing,andwhosesistersoperateamachineforfivedollarsaweek.
Hadwebeenboys,IsupposeBessieandSadieandtherestofuswouldhavebeena"gang,"and
wouldhavepoppedintotheChineselaundrytotease"ChinkyChinaman,"andbeenchasedbythe
"cops"fromcomfortabledoorsteps,andhada"bully"timeofit.Beingwhatwewere,wecalled
ourselvesa"set,"andwehada"lovely"time,aspeoplewhopassedusonBroadwaycouldnotfailto
see.Andhear.Forwewereatthegigglingage,andBroadwayonSaturdaynightwasfullofgiggles
forus.Westayedouttillallhours,tooforArlingtonStreethadnostrictdomesticprogramme,not
eveninthenursery,theinmatesofwhichwereaslikelytobefoundinthegutterasintheircots,at
anytimethissideofoneo'clockinthemorning.
Therewasanelementinmyenjoymentthatwasyieldedneitherbythesights,theadventures,northe
chewingcandy.Ihadakeenfeelingforthesociabilityofthecrowd.AllplebeianChelseawasabroad,
andabourgeoispopulationisnowhereunneighborly.Womenshapelesswithbundles,theirhatsawry
overthin,eagerfaces,gatheredinknotsontheedgeofthecurb,boastingoftheirbargains.Littlegirls
incurlpapersandlittleboysinbrimlesshatsclungtotheirskirts,whiningforpennies,onlytobe
silencedbyabsentmindedcuffs.Afewdisconsolatefathersstrayedbehindthesefamilygroups,the
restbeingdistributedbetweenthebarbershopsandthecornerlampposts.Iunderstoodthesepeople,
beingoneofthem,andIlikedthem,andIfounditalldelightfullysociable.
Saturdaynightistheworkman'swife'snight,butthatdoesnotentirelypreventmyladyfromgoing
abroad,ifonlytoleaveanorderattheflorist's.SoithappenedthatBellinghamHillandWashington
Avenue,thearistocraticsectionsofChelsea,mingledwithArlingtonStreetonBroadway,tothe
furtherenhancementofmyenjoymentoftheoccasion.ForIalwayslovedamixedcrowd.Ilovedthe
contrasts,thehighlightsanddeepshadows,andthegradationsthatconnectthetwo,andmakealllife
one.Isawmany,manythingsthatIwasnotawareofseeingatthetime.Ionlyfoundoutafterwards
whattreasuresmybrainhadstoredup,when,comingtothepuzzlingplacesinlife,lightandmeaning
wouldsuddenlyburstonme,thehiddenfruitofsomeexperiencethathadnotimpressedmeatthe
time.
Howmanytimes,Iwonder,didIbrushpastmydestinyonBroadway,foolishlystaringafterit,
insteadofgoinghometopray?Iwonderdidastrangercollidewithme,andputmepatientlyoutof
hisway,wonderingwhysuchamitewasnotathomeandabedatteno'clockintheevening,and
neverdreamingthatonedayhemighthavetoreckonwithme?Didsomeonesmiledownonmy
childishglee,Iwonder,unwarnedofadaywhenweshouldweeptogether?IwonderIwonder.A
millionthreadsoflifeandloveandsorrowwasthecommonstreetandwhetherwewouldornot,we
entangledourselvesinacommonmaze,withoutpayingthehomageofasecondglancetothosewho
wouldsomedaymasterustoodulltopickthatfacefromoutthecrowdwhichonedaywouldbend
overusinloveorpityorremorse.Whatcompanyofskipping,laughinglittlegirlsistobereproached
forcarelesshours,whenmenandwomenoneverysidesteppedheedlesslyintothetrapsoffate?
Smallsinitwastoannoymyneighborbygettinginhisway,asIstaredovermyshoulder,ifagrown
manknewnobetterthantodropawordinpassingthatmightturnthecourseofanother'slife,asa
boulderrolleddownfromthemountainsidedeflectsthecurrentofabrook.
CHAPTERXIV
MANNA
SOwentthelifeinChelseaforthespaceofayearorso.Thenmyfather,findingadiscrepancy
betweenhisassetsandliabilitiesonthewrongsideoftheledger,oncemorestrucktent,collectedhis
flock,andsetoutinsearchofricherpastures.
Therewasacharmingsimplicityabouttheseproceedings.Heretoday,apparentlyrootedthereto
morrow,andjustasmuchathome.Anotherbasementgrocery,withafreshlypaintedsignoverthe
doorthebroominthecorner,theloafonthetablethesethingsmadehomeforus.Therewererather
moreNegroesonWheelerStreet,inthelowerSouthEndofBoston,thantherehadbeenonArlington
Street,whichpromisedmorenumerousoutstandingaccountsbuttheywereaneighborlyfolk,and
theytookusstrangersinsometimesverybadly.Thentherewastheschoolthreeblocksaway,where
"America"wassungtothesametuneasinChelsea,andgeographywasmadeasdarkamystery.It
wasimpossiblenottofeelathome.
Andpresently,lestanythingbelackingtoourdomesticbliss,therewasanewbabyinaborrowed
cribandlittleDorahadonlyafewmoreturnstotakewithherbattereddollcarriagebeforealifesize
vehiclewithamoreanimateddollywasturnedovertoherconstantcare.
TheWheelerStreetneighborhoodisnotaplacewherearefinedyoungladywouldcaretofindherself
alone,eveninthecheerydaylight.Ifshecameatall,shewouldbeattendedbyatrustyescort.She
wouldnotgettooclosetopeopleonthedoorsteps,andshewouldshrinkawayindisgustandfear
fromableareyedcreaturecareeringdownthesidewalkonmanyjointedlegs.Thedelicatedamsel
wouldhastenhometowashandpurifyandperfumeherselftillthefoulcontactofWheelerStreetwas
utterlyeradicated,andherwontedpurityrestored.AndIdonotblameher.Ionlywishthatshewould
bringalittlesoapandwaterandperfumeryintoWheelerStreetnexttimeshecomesforsomepeople
theremaybesmotheringinthefilthwhichtheyabhorasmuchasshe,butfromwhichtheycannot,
likeher,runaway.
WHEELERSTREET,INTHELOWERSOUTHENDOFBOSTON
ManyyearsaftermyescapefromWheelerStreetIreturnedtoseeiftheplacewasasbadasI
rememberedit.Ifoundthenarrowstreetgrownevennarrower,thesidewalknotbroadenoughfortwo
towalkabreast,thegutterchokedwithdustandrefuse,thedingyrowoftenementsoneitherside
unspeakablygloomy.Idiscovered,whatIhadnotrealizedbefore,thatWheelerStreetwasacrooked
laneconnectingacornersaloononShawmutAvenuewithablockofhousesofillreputeonCorning
Street.Ithadbeenthesameinmyday,butIhadnotunderstoodmuch,andIlivedunharmed.
OnthislatervisitIwalkedslowlyuponesideofthestreet,anddowntheother,rememberingmany
things.Itwaseleveno'clockintheevening,andsoundsofsquabblingcomingthroughdoorsand
windowsinformedmyexperiencedearthatapartofWheelerStreetwasgoingtobed.Thegrocery
storeinthebasementofNumber11myfather'soldstorewasstillopenforbusinessandinthe
gutterinfrontofthestore,tobesure,wasahappybaby,justasthereusedtobe.
Iwasnotaloneonthistourofinspection.Iwasattendedbyatrustyescort.ButIbroughtsoapand
waterwithme.Iamapplyingthemnow.
IfoundnofaultwithWheelerStreetwhenIwasfourteenyearsold.Onthecontrary,Ipronouncedit
good.Wehadneverlivedsonearthecartracksbefore,andIdelightedinthemoonlikesplendorof
thearclampjustinfrontofthesaloon.Thespaceilluminedbythislampandenlivenedbythepassage
ofmanythirstysoulswasthefavoriteplaygroundforWheelerStreetyouth.Onourstreettherewas
notroomtoturnaroundherethesidewalkspreadoutwiderasitswungaroundtoShawmutAvenue.
Iplayedwiththeboysbypreference,asinChelsea.Ilearnedtocutacrossthetracksinfrontofan
oncomingcar,anditwasgreatfuntoseethemotorman'sangryfaceturnscared,whenhethoughtI
wasgoingtobeshavedthistimesure.Itwasamusing,too,towatchthesidedoorofthesaloon,which
openedrightoppositethegrocerystore,andseeadrunkenmanputoutbythebartender.Thefellow
wouldwhinesocomically,andclingtothedoorpostsolikeadampleaftoatwig,andblubbersolike
aredfacedbaby,thatitwasreallyfunnytoseehim.
AndtherewasMorganChapel.ItwasworthcomingtoWheelerStreetjustforthat.Allthechildrenof
theneighborhood,exceptthemostrowdyish,flockedtoMorganChapelatleastonceaweek.This
wasonSaturdayevening,whenafreeentertainmentwasgiven,consistingofmusic,recitations,and
otherparloraccomplishments.Theperformanceswereexceedinglyartistic,accordingtotheimpartial
judgmentofjuvenileWheelerStreet.IcanspeakwithauthorityforthecrowdofusfromNumber11.
Wehunguponthelipsofthebeautifulladieswhoreadorsangtousandtheyinturndidtheirbest,
recognizingthequalityofourapproval.Weadmiredthemiraculouslycleangentlemenwhosangor
played,asheartilyasweapplaudedtheirperformance.Sometimesthebeautifulladieswere
accompaniedbyravishinglittlegirlswhostoodupinagloryofgoldencurls,frilledpetticoats,and
silkstockings,torecitepatheticorcomicpieces,withtrainedexpressionandpracticedgesturesthat
seemedtoustheperfectionoftheelocutionaryart.Wewereallalittlebitstagestruckafterthese
entertainmentsbutwhatwasmore,weweregenuinelymovedbytheglimpsesofafairerworldthan
ourswhichwecaughtthroughthemusicandpoetrytheworldinwhichthebeautifulladiesdwelt
withthefairychildrenandthecleangentlemen.
BrotherHotchkins,whomanagedtheseentertainments,knewwhathewastherefor.Hisprogrammes
weremasterly.Classicsofthelightersortwerejudiciouslyinterspersedwiththefavoritestreetsongs
oftheday.Nothingthatsavoredofthechapelwasthere:thehourwashonestlydevotedto
entertainment.Thetotaleffectwasanexquisitelybalancedcompoundofpleasure,wonder,and
longing.Knockkneedmenwithpurplenoses,bristlingchins,andnocollars,whoslouchedin
scepticallyandsattentativelyontheedgeoftherearsetteesatthebeginningoftheconcert,moved
nearerthefrontastheprogrammewenton,andopenlyjoinedintheapplauseattheend.Scowling
fellowswhocameinwithdefiantfacesoccasionallyslunkoutshamefaced:andboththeknockkneed
andthedefiantsometimesremainedtohearBrotherTompkinsprayandpreach.Anditwasalldueto
BrotherHotchkins'smasterlyprogramme.Thechildrenbehavedverywell,forthemostpartthefew
"toughs"whocameinonpurposetomaketroublewerepromptlyexpelledbyBrotherHotchkinsand
hislieutenants.
IcouldnothelpadmiringBrotherHotchkins,hewassoeminentlyefficientineverypartofthehall,at
everystageoftheproceedings.Ialwaysbelievedthathewastheauthorofthealluringnoticesthat
occupiedthebulletinboardeverySaturday,thoughIneverknewitforafact.Thewayhehandledthe
badboyswasmasterly.Thewayheintroducedtheperformerswasinimitable.Thewayhedid
everythingwasthebestway.AndyetIdidnotlikeBrotherHotchkins.Icouldnot.Hewastooslim,
toopale,toofair.Hisvoicewastooencouraging,hissmilewastoorestrained.Themanwasa
missionary,anditstuckoutalloverhim.Icouldnotabideamissionary.ThatwastheJewinme,the
EuropeanJew,trainedbythecruelcenturiesofhisoutcastexistencetodistrustanyonewhospokeof
GodbyanyothernamethanAdonai.ButIshouldhaveresentedthesuggestionthatinheriteddistrust
wasthecauseofmydislikeforgoodBrotherHotchkinsforIconsideredmyselffreedfromracial
prejudices,bythesametriumphofmyinfalliblejudgmentwhichhadliftedfrommetheyokeof
credulity.Anuncompromisingatheist,suchasIwasattheageoffourteen,wasboundtoscornall
thosewhosoughttoimplantreligionintheirfellowmen,andtherebyprolongthereignof
superstition.Ofcoursethatwastheexplanation.
BrotherHotchkins,happilyunconsciousofmydisapprovalofhiscomplexion,aroseatintervals
behindtherailing,toannounce,fromaslipofpaper,that"thenextnumberonourprogrammewillbe
amusicalselectionby,"etc.,etc.untilhearrivedat"Iamsureyouwillalljoinmeinthankingthe
ladiesandgentlemenwhohaveentertainedusthisevening."AndasImovedtowardthedoorwithmy
companions,Iwouldhearhisvoiceraisedfortheinevitable,"Youareallinvitedtoremaintoashort
prayerservice,afterwhich"alittlelouder"refreshmentswillbeservedinthevestry.Iwillask
BrotherTompkinsto"Therestwaslostintheshuffleoffeetaboutthedoorandtheroarofelectric
carsglancingpasteachotheronoppositetracks.IalwaysgotoutofthechapelbeforeBrother
Tompkinscoulddomeanyharm.Asiftherewasanythinghecouldstealfromme,nowthattherewas
noGodinmyheart!
IfIweretogobacktoMorganChapelnow,IshouldstaytohearBrotherTompkins,andasmany
otherbrethrenasmighthaveanythingtosay.Iwouldsitverystillinmycornerseatandlistentothe
prayer,andsilentlyjoinintheAmen.ForIknownowwhatWheelerStreetis,andIknowwhat
MorganChapelistherefor,inthemidstofthosecrookedalleys,thosesaloons,thosepawnshops,
thosegloomytenements.Itistheretoapplysoapandwater,anditisdoingthatallthetime.Ihave
learned,sincemydeliverancefromWheelerStreet,thatthereismorethanoneroadtoanygivengoal.
IshouldlookwithrespectatBrotherHotchkinsapplyingsoapandwaterinhisownway,convincedat
lastthatmywayisnottheonlyway.Menmustworkwiththosetoolstotheuseofwhichtheyarebest
fittedbynature.BrotherHotchkinsmustpray,andImustbearwitness,andanothermustnursea
feebleinfant.Weareallhonestworkmen,anddeservestandingroomintheworkshopofsweating
humanity.Itisonlytheidlescofferswhostandbyandjeeratoureffortstocleanseourhousethat
shouldbekickedoutofthedoor,asBrotherHotchkinsturnedouttherowdies.
Itwascharacteristicoftheloosenessofourfamilydisciplineatthistimethatnobodywasseriously
interestedinourvisitstoMorganChapel.Ourtimewasourown,afterschooldutiesandhousehold
tasksweredone.JosephsoldnewspapersafterschoolIsweptandwasheddishesDoramindedthe
baby.Fortherest,weamusedourselvesasbestwecould.Fatherandmotherwerepreoccupiedwith
thestoredayandnightandnotsomuchwithweighingandmeasuringandmakingchangeaswith
figuringouthowlongitwouldtaketheoutstandingaccountstoruinthebusinessentirely.Ifmy
motherhadscruplesagainstherchildrenresortingtoabuildingwithacrossonit,shedidnothave
timetoformulatethem.IfmyfatherheardustalkingaboutMorganChapel,hedismissedthesubject
withasarcasticcharacterization,andwantedtoknowifweweregoingtojointheSalvationArmy
nextbuthedidnotseriouslycare,andhewaswillingthatthechildrenshouldhaveagoodtime.And
ifmyparentshadobjectedtoMorganChapel,wasthesidewalkinfrontofthesaloonabetterplace
foruschildrentospendtheevening?Theycouldnothavearguedwithusverylong,sotheyhardly
arguedatall.
InPolotzkwehadbeentrainedandwatched,ourdayshadbeenregulated,ourconductprescribed.In
America,suddenly,wewereletlooseonthestreet.Why?Becausemyfatherhavingrenouncedhis
faith,andmymotherbeinguncertainofhers,theyhadnoparticularcreedtoholdusto.The
conceptionofasystemofethicsindependentofreligioncouldnotatonceenterasanactiveprinciple
oftheirlifesothattheycouldgiveachildnoreasonwhytobetruthfulorkind.Andaswithreligion,
soitfaredwithotherbranchesofourdomesticeducation.Chaostooktheplaceofsystemuncertainty,
inconsistencyundermineddiscipline.MyparentsknewonlythattheydesiredustobelikeAmerican
childrenandseeinghowtheirneighborsgavetheirchildrenboundlessliberty,theyturnedusalso
loose,neverdoubtingbutthattheAmericanwaywasthebestway.Inpublicdeportment,inetiquette,
inallmattersofsocialintercourse,theyhadnostandardstogoby,seeingthatAmericawasnot
Polotzk.Intheirbewildermentanduncertaintytheymustneedstrustuschildrentolearnfromsuch
modelsasthetenementsafforded.Morethanthis,theymuststepdownfromtheirthroneofparental
authority,andtakethelawfromtheirchildren'smouthsfortheyhadnoothermeansoffindingout
whatwasgoodAmericanform.Theresultwasthatlaxityofdomesticorganization,thatinversionof
normalrelationswhichmakesforfriction,andwhichsometimesendsinbreakingupafamilythatwas
formerlyunitedandhappy.
Thissadprocessofdisintegrationofhomelifemaybeobservedinalmostanyimmigrantfamilyof
ourclassandwithourtraditionsandaspirations.ItispartoftheprocessofAmericanizationan
upheavalprecedingthestateofrepose.Itisthecrossthatthefirstandsecondgenerationsmustbear,
aninvoluntarysacrificeforthesakeofthefuturegenerations.Thesearethepainsofadjustment,as
rackingasthepainsofbirth.Andasthemotherforgetsheragoniesintheblissofclaspingherbabeto
herbreast,sothebentandheartsoreimmigrantforgetsexileandhomesicknessandridiculeandloss
andestrangement,whenhebeholdshissonsanddaughtersmovingasAmericansamongAmericans.
OnWheelerStreettherewerenorealhomes.Thereweremiserableflatsofthreeorfourrooms,or
fewer,inwhichfamiliesthatdidnotpractiseracesuicidecooked,washed,andatesleptfromtwoto
fourinabed,inwindowlessbedroomsquarrelledinthegraymorning,andmadeupinthesmoky
eveningtormentedeachother,supportedeachother,savedeachother,droveeachotheroutofthe
house.Buttherewasnocommonlifeinanyformthatmeanslife.Therewasnoroomforit,forone
thing.Bedsandcribstookupmostofthefloorspace,disorderpackedtheinterspaces.Thecentre
tableinthe"parlor"wasnotloadedwithbooks.Itheld,invariably,aphotographalbumandan
ornamentallampwithapapershadeandthelampwasusuallyoutoforder.Sotherewasaslittle
motiveforacommonlifeastherewasroom.Theyardwasonlybigenoughfortheperennialrubbish
heap.Thenarrowsidewalkwascrowded.Whatwerethepeopletodowiththemselves?Therewere
thesaloons,themissions,thelibraries,thecheapamusementplaces,andtheneighborhoodhouses.
Peopleselectedtheirresortsaccordingtotheirtastes.Thechildren,letitbethankfullyrecorded,
flockedmostlytotheclubsthelittlegirlstosew,cook,dance,andplaygamesthelittleboysto
hammerandpaste,mendchairs,debate,andgovernatoyrepublic.Allthese,ofcourse,areformsof
baptismbysoapandwater.
OurneighborhoodwentinsearchofsalvationtoMorganMemorialHall,BarnardMemorial,Morgan
Chapelaforementioned,andsomeothercleanplacesthatlightedacandleintheirwindow.My
brother,mysisterDora,andIwereintroducedtosomeoftheclubsbyouryoungneighbors,andwe
weregladtogo.Forourhomealsogaveuslittlebesidesmealsinthekitchenandbedsinthedark.
Whatwiththesixofus,andthestore,andthebaby,andsometimesa"greener"ortwofromPolotzk,
whomwelodgedasamatterofcoursetilltheyfoundapermanenthomewhatwithsuchcompany
andthesizeofourtenement,weneededtogetoutalmostasmuchasourneighbors'children.Isay
almostforourparlorwemanagedtokeepprettyclear,andthelamponourcentretablewasalwaysin
order,anditslightfelloftenonanopenbook.Still,itwaspartofthelifeofWheelerStreettobelong
toclubs,sowebelonged.
Ididn'tcareforsewingorcooking,soIjoinedadancingclubandevenhereIwasafailure.Ihad
beenaverygooddancerinRussia,buthereIfoundallthestepsdifferent,andIdidnothavethe
couragetogooutinthemiddleoftheslipperyfloorandminceitandtoeitinfrontoftheteacher.
WhenIretiredtoacornerandtriedtoplaydominoes,IbecamesuddenlyshyofmypartnerandI
nevercouldwinagameofcheckers,althoughformerlyIusedtobeatmyfatheratit.Itriedtobe
friendswithalittlegirlIhadknowninChelsea,butshemetmyadvancescoldly.Shelivedon
AppletonStreet,whichwastooaristocratictomixwithWheelerStreet.Geraldinewasstudying
elocution,andsheworeascarletcapeandhood,andshewasgoingonthestagebyandby.I
acknowledgedthathersenseofsuperioritywaswellfounded,andretiredfartherintomycorner,for
thefirsttimeconsciousofmyshabbinessandlowliness.
IlookedonatthedancinguntilIcouldendureitnolonger.Overcomebyasenseofisolationand
unfitness,Islippedoutoftheroom,avoidingtheteacher'seye,andwenthometowritemelancholy
poetry.
Whathadcomeoverme?WhywasI,theconfident,theambitious,suddenlygrownsoshyandmeek?
Whywasthecandidateforencyclopdicimmortalityoverawedbyascarlethood?WhydidI,avery
tomboyyesterday,suddenlyfindmyplaymatesstupid,andhideandseekabore?Ididnotknowwhy.
IonlyknewthatIwaslonelyandtroubledandsoreandIwenthometowritesadpoetry.
Ishallneverforgetthepatternoftheredcarpetinourparlor,wehadachievedacarpetsince
Chelseadays,becauseIlayforhoursfacedownonthefloor,writingpoetryonascreechyslate.
WhenIhadperfectedmyverses,andcopiedthemfaironthefamousbluelinednotepaper,andsaw
thatIhadmadeaverypatheticpoemindeed,Ifeltbetter.Andthishappenedoverandoveragain.I
gaveupthedancingclub,Iceasedtoknowtherowdylittleboys,andIwrotemelancholypoetry
oftener,andfeltbetter.Thecentretablebecamemystudy.Ireadmuch,andmoonedbetween
chapters,andwrotelongletterstoMissDillingham.
ForsometimeIwrotetoheralmostdaily.ThatwaswhenIfoundinmyheartsuchdepthsofwoeasI
couldnotpackintorhyme.AndfinallytherecameadaywhenIcoulduttermytroubleinneither
versenorprose,andIimploredMissDillinghamtocometomeandhearmysorrowfulrevelations.
ButIdidnotwanthertocometothehouse.InthehousetherewasnoprivacyIcouldnottalk.
WouldshemeetmeonBostonCommonatsuchandsuchatime?
Wouldshe?Shewasadevotedfriend,andawisewoman.ShemetmeonBostonCommon.Itwasa
grayautumndaywasitnotactuallydrizzling?andIwascoldsittingonthebenchbutIwas
thrilledthroughandthroughwiththesenseofthemagnitudeofmytroubles,andoftheromantic
natureoftherendezvous.
Whothatwasevenhalfawakewhenhewasgrowingupdoesnotknowwhatallthesesymptoms
betokened?MissDillinghamunderstood,andshewiselygavemenoinklingofherdiagnosis.Shelet
metalkandkeptagraveface.ShedidnotbelittlemytroublesImadespecificchargesagainstmy
home,membersofmyfamily,andlifeingeneralshedidnotsaythatIwouldgetoverthem,that
everygrowinggirlsuffersfromthebluesthatIwas,inbrief,alittlegoosestretchingmywingsfor
flight.Shetoldmeratherthatitwouldbenobletobearmysorrowsbravely,tosoothethosewho
irritatedme,toliveeachdaywithallmymight.Sheremindedmeofgreatmenandwomenwhohave
suffered,andwhoovercametheirtroublesbylivingandworking.Andshesentmehomeamazingly
comforted,mypettinessandselfconsciousnessroutedbythequietinfluenceofhergrayeyes
searchingmine.This,orsomethinglikethis,hadtoberepeatedmanytimes,asanybodywillknow
whowaspresentattheslowbirthofhismanhood.Fromnowon,forsomeyears,ofcourse,Imust
weepandlaughoutofseason,standontiptoetopluckthestarsinheaven,loveandhate
immoderately,propoundtheoriesofthedestinyofman,andnotknowwhatisgoingoninmyown
heart.
CHAPTERXV
TARNISHEDLAURELS
INtheintervalsofharkeningtomygrowingpainsIwas,ofcourse,stillalittlegirl.Asalittlegirl,in
manywaysimmatureformyage,Ifinishedmycourseinthegrammarschool,andwasgraduated
withhonors,fouryearsaftermylandinginBoston.
WheelerStreetrecognizesfivegreateventsinagirl'slife:namely,christening,confirmation,
graduation,marriage,andburial.Theseoccasionsallrequirefulldressfortheheroine,andfulldress
isforthcoming,nomatterifthefamilygoesintodebtforit.Therewasnotagirlwhocametoschool
inragsalltheyearroundthatdidnotburstforthinsuddengloryonGraduationDay.Finemuslin
frocks,lacetrimmedpetticoats,patentleathershoes,perishablehats,gloves,parasols,fansevery
girlhadthem.Amotherwhohadscrubbedfloorsforyearstokeephergirlinschoolwasnotgoingto
havehershamedintheendforwantofaprettydress.Soshecutoffthechildren'ssupplyofbutterand
workednightsandborrowedandfeelintoarrearswiththerentandonGraduationDayshefelt
magnificentlyrewarded,seeingherMamieasfineasanygirlintheschool.Andinordertopreserve
forposteritythistriumphantspectacle,shetookMamie,aftertheexercises,tobephotographed,with
herdiplomainonehand,abouquetintheother,andthegloves,fan,parasol,andpatentleathershoes
infullsightaroundafancytable.Truly,thefolliesofthepoorareworthstudying.
Itdidnotstrikemeasfolly,butasthefulfilmentoftheportentofmynatalstar,whenIsawmyself,
onGraduationDay,arrayedlikeuntoaprincess.Frills,lace,patentleathershoesIhadeverything.I
evenhadasashwithsilkfringes.
DidIspeakoffolly?Listen,andIwilltellyouquiteanothertale.Perhapswhenyouhaveheardityou
willnotbetoohastytorunandteachThePoor.PerhapsyouwilladmitthatThePoormayhave
somethingtoteachyou.
BeforewehadbeentwoyearsinAmerica,mysisterFriedawasengagedtobemarried.Thiswas
undertheolddispensation:FriedacametoAmericatoolatetoavailherselfofthegiftsofan
Americangirlhood.Hadshebeentwoyearsyoungershemighthavedodgedhercircumstances,
evadedherOldWorldfate.ShewouldhavegonetoschoolandimbibedAmericanideas.Shemight
haveclungtohergirlhoodlongerinsteadofmarryingatseventeen.IamsofondoftheAmericanway
thatithasalwaysseemedtomeapitifulaccidentthatmysistershouldhavecomesonearandmissed
bysolittlethefulfilmentofmycountry'spromisetowomen.Alonggirlhood,afreechoicein
marriage,andabrimfulwomanhoodarethepreciousrightsofanAmericanwoman.
MyfatherwastoorecentlyfromtheOldWorldtobeentirelyfreefromtheinfluenceofitssocial
traditions.HehadputFriedatoworkoutofnecessity.Thenecessitywashardlyliftedwhenshehad
anofferofmarriage,butmyfatherwouldnotstandinthewayofwhatheconsideredherwelfare.Let
herescapefromtheworkshop,ifshehadachance,whiletheroseswerestillinhercheeks.Ifshe
remainedfortenyearsmorebentovertheneedle,whatwouldshegain?Notevenherpersonal
comfortforFriedanevercalledherearningsherown,butspenteverythingonthefamily,denying
herselfallbutnecessities.Theyoungmanwhosuedforherwasagoodworkman,earningfairwages,
ofirreproachablecharacter,andrefinedmanners.Myfatherhadknownhimforyears.
SoFriedawastobereleasedfromtheworkshop.Theactwasreallyinthenatureofasacrificeonmy
father'spart,forhewasstillinthewoodsfinancially,andwouldsorelymissFrieda'swages.The
greaterthepity,therefore,thattherewasnoonetocounselhimtogiveAmericamoretimewithmy
sister.Sheattendedthenightschoolshewasfondofreading.Inbooks,inaslowlyripening
experience,shemighthavefoundabetteranswertotheriddleofagirl'slifethanapremature
marriage.
Mysister'sengagementpleasedmeverywell.Ourconfidenceswerenotinterrupted,andIunderstood
thatshewashappy.IwasveryfondofMosesRifkinmyself.Hewasthenicestyoungmanofmy
acquaintance,notatalllikeotherworkmen.Hewasverykindtouschildren,bringinguspresentsand
takingusoutforexcursions.Hehadasenseofhumor,andhewasgoingtomarryourFrieda.How
couldIhelpbeingpleased?
Themarriagewasnottotakeplaceforsometime,andintheintervalFriedaremainedintheshop.She
continuedtobringhomeallherwages.Ifshewasgoingtodesertthefamily,shewouldnotletthem
feelitsoonerthanshemust.
Thenallofasuddensheturnedspendthrift.SheappropriatedIdonotknowwhatfabuloussums,to
spendjustasshepleased,foronce.Sheattendedbargainsales,andbroughtawaysuchfineryashad
nevergracedourflatbefore.Homefromworkintheevening,afterahurriedsupper,sheshutherself
upintheparlor,andcutandsnippedandmeasuredandbastedandstitchedasiftherewerenothing
elseintheworldtodo.Itwasearlysummer,andtheairhadawooingtouch,evenonWheelerStreet.
MosesRifkincame,andIsupposehealsohadawooingtouch.ButFriedaonlysmiledandshookher
headandashermouthwasfullofpins,itphysicallyimpossibleforMosestoargue.Sheremainedall
eveninginawhitedisorderoftuckedbreadths,curledruffles,dismemberedsleeves,andswirlsof
freshlaceherneedleglancinginthelamplight,andpoorMosespickingupherspools.
Hertrousseau,wasitnot?No,nothertrousseau.Itwasmygraduationdressonwhichshewasso
intent.Andwhenitwasfinished,andwaspronouncedamostbeautifuldress,andsheoughttohave
beensatisfied,Friedawenttotheshopsoncemoreandboughtthesashwiththesilkfringes.
Theimprovidenceofthepoorisamostdistressingspectacletoallrightmindedstudentsofsociology.
Butpleasesparemeyourhomilythistime.Itdoesnotapply.Thepoorarethepoorinspirit.Those
whoarerichinspiritualendowmentwillneverbefoundbankrupt.
GraduationDaywasnothinglessthanatriumphforme.ItwasnotonlythatIhadtwopiecestospeak,
oneofthemanoriginalcompositionitwasmorebecauseIwasknowninmyschooldistrictasthe
"smartest"girlintheclass,andalleyeswereturnedontheprodigy,andIwasawareofit.Iwasaware
ofeverything.ThatiswhyIamabletotellyoueverythingnow.
Theassemblyhallwascrowdedtobursting,butmyfriendshadnotroubleinfindingseats.Theywere
ushereduptotheplatform,whichwasreservedforguestsofhonor.Iwasveryproudtoseemy
friendstreatedwithsuchdistinction.Myparentswerethere,andFrieda,ofcourseMissDillingham,
andsomeothersofmyChelseateachers.Adozenorsoofmyhumblerfriendsandacquaintances
werescatteredamongthecrowdonthefloor.
WhenIsteppeduponthestagetoreadmycompositionIwasseizedwithstagefright.Thefloorunder
myfeetandtheairaroundmewereoppressivelypresenttomysenses,whilemyownhandIcouldnot
havelocated.Ididnotknowwheremybodybeganorended,Iwassoconsciousofmygloves,my
shoes,myflowingsash.Mywonderfuldress,inwhichIhadtakensomuchsatisfaction,gavemethe
mosttrouble.Iwassuddenlyparalyzedbytheconvictionthatitwastooshort,anditseemedtomeI
stoodonabsurdlylonglegs.Andtenthousandpeoplewerelookingupatme.Itwashorrible!
IsupposeInomorethanclearedmythroatbeforeIbegantoread,buttomeitseemedthatIstood
petrifiedforanage,anawfulsilenceboominginmyears.Myvoice,whenatlastIbegan,soundedfar
away.Ithoughtthatnobodycouldhearme.ButIkepton,mechanicallyforIhadrehearsedmany
times.AndasIreadIgraduallyforgotmyself,forgottheplaceandtheoccasion.Thepeoplelooking
upatmeheardthestoryofabeautifullittleboy,mycousin,whomIhadlovedverydearly,andwho
diedinfardistantRussiasomeyearsafterIcametoAmerica.Mycompositionwasnotamasterpiece
itwasmerelygoodforagirloffifteen.ButIhadwrittenthatIstilllovedthelittlecousin,andImade
athousandstrangersfeelit.Andbeforetheapplausetherewasamomentofstillnessinthegreathall.
Afterthesingingandreadingbytheclass,therewerethecustomaryaddressesbydistinguished
guests.Wegirlswereremindedthatweweregoingtobewomen,andhappinesswaspromisedto
thoseofuswhowouldaimtobenoblewomen.Agreatmanytriteandobviousthings,agreatdealof
therhetoricappropriatetotheoccasion,compliments,applause,generalsatisfactionsowentthe
programme.Muchoftherhetoric,manyofthefinesentimentsdidnotpenetratetothethoughtsofus
forwhomtheywereintended,becausewewereinsuchaflutteraboutourrufflesandribbons,and
couldhardlyrefrainfromopenlyprinking.Butweapplaudedveryheartilyeveryspeakerandevery
wouldbespeaker,understandingthatbyaconsensusofopinionontheplatform,wewereveryfine
youngladies,andmuchwastobeexpectedofus.
OneofthelastspeakerswasintroducedasamemberoftheSchoolBoard.Hebeganlikealltherestof
them,butheendeddifferently.Abandoninggeneralities,hewentontotellthestoryofaparticular
schoolgirl,apupilinaBostonschool,whosephenomenalcareermightserveasanillustrationofwhat
theAmericansystemoffreeeducationandtheEuropeanimmigrantcouldmakeofeachother.Hehad
notgotveryfarwhenIrealized,tomygreatsurpriseandnosmalldelight,thathewastellingmy
story.Isawmyfriendsontheplatformbeamingbehindthespeaker,andIheardmynamewhispered
intheaudience.Ihadbeensomuchofacelebrity,inasmalllocalway,thatidentificationofthe
speaker'sheroinewasinevitable.Myclassmates,ofcourse,guessedthename,andtheyturnedtolook
atme,andnudgedme,andallbutpointedatmetheirnewmuslinsrustlingandsilkribbonshissing.
Oneortwonearestmeforgotetiquettesofarastowhispertome."MaryAntin,"theysaid,asthe
speakersatdown,amidaburstofthemostenthusiasticapplause,"MaryAntin,whydon'tyougetup
andthankhim?"
Iwasdazedwithallthathadhappened.BurstingwithprideIwas,butIwasmoved,too,bynobler
feelings.Irealized,inavague,faroffway,whatitmeanttomyfatherandmothertobesittingthere
andseeingmeheldupasaparagon,myhistorymadethethemeofaneloquentdiscoursewhatit
meanttomyfathertoseehisambitioushopesthusgloriouslyfulfilled,hisjudgmentofmeverified
whatitmeanttoFriedatohearmeallbutnamedwithsuchhonor.Withallthesethingschokingmy
hearttooverflowing,mywitsforsookme,ifIhadhadanyatallthatday.Theaudiencewasstirring
andwhisperingsothatIcouldhear:"Whoisit?""Isthatso?"Andagaintheypromptedme:
"MaryAntin,getup.Getupandthankhim,Mary."
AndIrosewhereIsat,andinavoicethatsoundedthinasafly'saftertheoratoricalbassofthelast
speaker,Ibegan:
"Iwanttothankyou"
ThatisasfarasIgot.Mr.Swan,theprincipal,wavedhishandtosilencemeandthen,andonlythen,
didIrealizetheenormityofwhatIhaddone.
Myeulogisthadhadthegoodtastenottomentionnames,andIhadbeenbrazenlyforward,
deliberatelycallingattentiontomyselfwhentherewasnoneed.Oh,itwassickening!Ihatedmyself,
Ihatedwithallmyheartthegirlswhohadpromptedmetosuchimmodestconduct.Iwishedthe
groundwouldyawnandsnapmeup.Iwasashamedtolookupatmyfriendsontheplatform.What
wasMissDillinghamthinkingofme?Oh,whatafoolIhadbeen!Ihadruinedmyowntriumph.Ihad
disgracedmyself,andmyfriends,andpoorMr.Swan,andtheWinthropSchool.Themonstervanity
hadsuckedoutmywits,andleftmeastaringidiot.
ItiseasytosaythatIwasmakingamountainoutofamolehill,acatastropheoutofamerebreachof
goodmanners.Itiseasytosaythat.ButIknowthatIsufferedagoniesofshame.Aftertheexercises,
whenthecrowdpressedinalldirectionsinsearchoffriends,Itriedinvaintogetoutofthehall.Iwas
mobbed,Iwaslionized.Everybodywantedtoshakehandswiththeprodigyoftheday,andtheyknew
whoitwas.IhadmadesureofthatIhadexhibitedmyself.Thepeoplesmiledonme,flatteredme,
passedmeonfromonetoanother.Ismirkedback,butIdidnotknowwhatIsaid.Iwaswildtobe
clearofthebuilding.Ithoughteverybodymockedme.Allmyroseshadturnedtoashes,andall
throughmyownbrazenconduct.
IwouldhavegivenmydiplomatohaveMissDillinghamknowhowthethinghadhappened,butI
couldnotbringmyselftospeakfirst.IfshewouldaskmeButnobodyasked.Nobodylookedaway
fromme.Everybodycongratulatedme,andmyfatherandmother,andmyremotestrelations.Butthe
stingofshamesmartedjustthesameIcouldnotbeconsoled.Ihadmadeafoolofmyself:Mr.Swan
hadpubliclyputmedown.
Ah,sothatwasit!Vanitywasthevitalspotagain.Itwaswoundedvanitythatwrithedandsquirmed.
ItwasnotbecauseIhadbeenbold,butbecauseIhadbeenpronouncedbold,thatIsufferedso
monstrously.IfMr.Swan,withaneloquentgesture,hadnotsilencedme,Imighthavemademylittle
speechgoodheavens!whatdidImeantosay?andprobablycalleditanotherfeatherinmy
bonnet.Buthehadstoppedmepromptly,disgustedwithmyforwardness,andhehadshownbeforeall
thosehundredswhathethoughtofme.Thereinlaythesting.
Withallmytalentforselfanalysis,ittookmealongtimetorealizetheessentialpettinessofmy
trouble.Foryearsactuallyforyearsafterthateventfuldayofmingledtriumphanddisgrace,I
couldnotthinkoftheunhappyincidentwithoutinwardsquirming.Irememberdistinctlyhowthelittle
scenewouldsuddenlyflashuponmeatnight,asIlayawakeinbed,andIwouldturnover
impatiently,asiftoshakeoffanightmareandthissolongaftertheoccurrencethatIwasmyself
amazedatthepersistenceofthenightmare.Ihadneverbeenreproachedbyanyoneformyconduct
onGraduationDay.WhycouldInotforgivemyself?Istudiedthematterdeeplyitweariesmeto
rememberhowdeeplytillatlastIunderstoodthatitwaswoundedvanitythathurtso,andnonobler
remorse.Then,andonlythen,wastheghostlaid.Ifitevertriedtogetupagain,afterthat,Ihadonly
tocallitnamestoseeitscurrybacktoitsgraveandpullthesoddownafterit.
BeforeIhadlaidmyghost,afriendtoldmeofasimilarexperienceofhisboyhood.Hewaspresentat
asmallprivateentertainment,andaviolinistwhoshouldhaveplayedbeingabsent,thehostaskedfor
avolunteertotakehisplace.Myfriend,thenaboyinhisteens,offeredhimself,andactuallystoodup
withtheviolininhishands,asiftoplay.Buthecouldnotevenholdtheinstrumentproperlyhehad
neverbeentaughttheviolin.Hetoldmeheneverknewwhatpossessedhimtogetupandmakeafool
ofhimselfbeforearoomfulofpeoplebuthewascertainthattenthousandimpspossessedhimand
tormentedhimforyearsandyearsafter,ifonlyherememberedtheincident.
Myfriend'sconfessionwassuchaconsolationtomethatIcouldnothelpthinkingImightdosome
otherpoorwretchaworldofgoodbyofferinghimmycompanyandthatofmyfriendinhismisery.
ForifittookmealongtimetofindoutthatIwasavainfool,thecorollarydidnotescapeme:there
mustbeothervainfools.
CHAPTERXVI
DOVERSTREET
WHAThappenednextwasDoverStreet.
AndwhatwasDoverStreet?
Askrather,Whatwasitnot?DoverStreetwasmyfairestgardenofgirlhood,agateofparadise,a
windowfacingonabroadavenueoflife.DoverStreetwasaprison,aschoolofdiscipline,a
battlefieldofsordidstrife.TheairinDoverStreetwasheavywithevilodorsofdegradation,buta
breathfromtheuppermostheavensrippledthrough,whisperingofinfinitethings.InDoverStreetthe
dragonpovertygrippedmeforalastfight,butIoverthrewthehideouscreature,andsatonhisneckas
onathrone.InDoverStreetIwasshackledwithahundredchainsofdisadvantage,butwithonefree
handIplantedlittleseeds,rightthereinthemudofshame,thatblossomedintothehoneyedroseof
widestfreedom.InDoverStreettherewasoftennoloafonthetable,butthehandofsomenoble
friendwaseverinmine.ThenightinDoverStreetwasrentwiththecriesofwrong,butthethunders
oftruthcrashedthroughthepitifulclamoranddiedoutinpropheticsilences.
Outwardly,DoverStreetisanoisythoroughfarecutthroughaSouthEndslum,ineveryessentialthe
sameasWheelerStreet.Turndownanystreetintheslums,atrandom,andcallitbywhatevername
youplease,youwillobservetherethesamefashionsoflife,death,andendurance.Everyoneofthose
streetsisarubbishheapofdamagedhumanity,anditwilltakeapowerfulbroomandanoceanof
soapsudstocleanitout.
DoverStreetisintersected,nearitseasternend,wherewelived,byHarrisonAvenue.Thatstreetisto
theSouthEndwhatSalemStreetistotheNorthEnd.ItistheheartoftheSouthEndghetto,forthe
greaterpartofitslengthalthoughitsnorthernendbelongstotherealmofChinatown.Itsmultifarious
businessburststhroughthenarrowshopdoors,andoverrunsthebasements,thesidewalk,thestreet
itself,inpushcartsandopenairstands.Itsmultitudinouspopulationburststhroughthegreasy
tenementdoors,andfloodsthecorridors,thedoorsteps,thegutters,thesidestreets,pushinginandout
amongthepushcarts,alldaylongandhalfthenightbesides.
RarelyasHarrisonAvenueiscaughtasleep,evenmorerarelyisitfoundclean.Nothinglessthana
fireorfloodwouldcleansethisstreet.EvenPassovercannotquiteaccomplishthisfeat.Foralthough
thetenementsmaybescrubbedtotheirremotestcorners,onthisoneoccasion,thecleansingstopsat
thecurbstone.Agreatdealofthefilthyrubbishaccumulatedinayearispitchedintothestreet,often
throughthewindowsandwhattheashmanonhisdailyrounddoesnotremoveislefttobetrampled
topowder,inwhichformitstealsbackintothehousesfromwhichitwassolatelyremoved.
TheCityFathersprovidesoapandwaterfortheslums,intheformofexcellentschools,
kindergartens,andbranchlibraries.Andtheretheystop:atthecurbstoneofthepeople'slife.They
cleanseanddisciplinethechildren'sminds,buttheirbodiestheypitchintothegutter.Forthereareno
parksandalmostnoplaygroundsintheHarrisonAvenuedistrict,inmydaytherewerenone,and
suchastherearehavebeenwrenchedfromthecitybypublicspiritedcitizenswhohavenoofficesin
CityHall.Nowondertheashmanisnotmorethorough:helearnsfromhismasters.
Itisapitytohaveitso,inaqueenofenlightenedcitieslikeBoston.Ifweofthetwentiethcenturydo
notbelieveinbaseballasmuchasinphilosophy,wehavenotlearnedthelessonofmodernscience,
whichteaches,amongotherthings,thatthebodyisthenurseryofthesoultheinstrumentofour
moraldevelopmentthesecretchartofourdeviousprogressfromwormtoman.Thegreat
achievementofrecentscience,ofwhichwearesoproud,hasbeenthedecipheringofthehieroglyphic
oforganicnature.Toworshipthefactsandneglecttheimplicationsofthemessageofscienceisto
applaudthedramawithouttakingthemoraltoheart.Andwecertainlyarenottakingthemoralto
heartwhenwetrytomakeaherooutoftheboybysuchforeignappliancesasgrammarandalgebra,
whileutterlydespisingthefittestinstrumentforhisupliftingtheboy'sownbody.
WehadnoparticularreasonforcomingtoDoverStreet.ItmightjustaswellhavebeenApplepie
Alley.Formyfatherhadsold,withthegoods,fixtures,andgoodwilloftheWheelerStreetstore,all
hishopesofevermakingalivinginthegrocerytradeandIdoubtifhegotasilverdollarthemorefor
them.Wehadtolivesomewhere,evenifwewerenotmakingaliving,sowecametoDoverStreet,
wheretenementswerecheapbywhichImeanthatrentwaslow.Theultimatecostoflifeinthose
tenements,intermsofhumanhappiness,ishighenough.
HARRISONAVENUEISTHEHEARTOFTHESOUTHENDGHETTO
Ournewhomeconsistedoffivesmallroomsuptwoflightsofstairs,withtherightofwaythroughthe
darkcorridors.Inthe"parlor"thedingypaperhunginragsandtheplasterfellinchunks.Oneofthe
bedroomswasabsolutelydarkandairtight.Thekitchenwindowslookedoutonadirtycourt,atthe
backofwhichwasthereartenementoftheestate.Tousbelonged,alongwiththefiveroomsandthe
rightofwayaforesaid,ablockofupperspacethelengthofapulleylineacrossthiscourt,andthe
widthofanarcdescribedbyawindyMonday'swashinitsremotestwanderings.
Thelittlefrontbedroomwasassignedtome,withonlyonepartner,mysisterDora.Amousecould
nothaveledacatmuchofachaseacrossthisroomstillwefoundspaceforanarrowbed,acrazy
bureau,andasmalltable.Fromthewindowtherewasanunobstructedviewofalumberyard,beyond
whichfrownedtheblackenedwallsofafactory.Thefenceofthelumberyardwasgaywiththeatre
postersandillustratedadvertisementsoftobacco,whiskey,andpatentbabyfoods.Whenthewindow
wasopen,therewasaconstantclangandwhirrofelectriccars,variedbythescreechofmachinery,
theclatterofemptywagons,ortherumbleofheavytrucks.
TherewasnothingworseinallthisthanwehadhadbeforesinceourexilefromCrescentBeachbutI
didnottakethesamedelightinthepropinquityofelectriccarsandarclightsthatIhadtillnow.I
supposethetenementbegantopallonme.
ItmustnotbesupposedthatIenjoyedanydegreeofprivacy,becauseIhadhalfaroomtomyself.We
weresixinthefiveroomswewereboundtobealwaysineachother'sway.Andasitwaswithinour
flat,soitwasinthehouseasawhole.Alldoors,beginningwiththestreetdoor,stoodopenmostof
thetimeoriftheywereclosed,thetenantsdidnotwearouttheirknucklesknockingforadmittance.I
couldstandatanytimeintheunsweptentrancehallandtell,fromananalysisofthemedleyofsounds
andsmellsthatissuedfromdoorsajar,whatwasgoingonintheseveralflatsfrombelowup.That
guttural,scoldingvoice,unremittentasthehissingofasteampipe,isMrs.Rasnosky.Imakeaguess
thatsheischastisingtheinfantIsaacfortakingasecondlumpofsugarinhistea.Spam!Bam!Yes,
andsheisrubbinginherobjectionswiththeflatofherhand.Thatblubberingandmoaning,
accompanyinganelephantinetread,isfatMrs.Casey,secondfloor,homedrunkfromanafternoon
out,infearofthevengeanceofMr.Caseytopropitiatewhomsheisburningapanofbacon,asthe
chokingfumesandoutrageoussizzlingtestify.Ihearafeeblewhining,interruptedbylongsilences.It
isthatscabbybabyonthethirdfloor,fallenoutofbedagain,withnobodyhometopickhimup.
ToescapefromthesevarioushorrorsIascendtotheroof,wherebaconandbabiesandchildbeating
arenot.ButthereIfindtwofiguresincalicowrappers,withbareredarmsakimbo,abasketofwet
clothesinfrontofeach,andonlyoneemptyclotheslinebetweenthem.Idonotwanttobedraggedin
asawitnessinacaseofassaultandbattery,soIdescendtothestreetagain,gratefultonote,asIpass,
thatthethirdfloorbabyisstill.
InfrontofthedoorIsqueezethroughagroupofchildren.Theyaregoingtoplaytag,andare
countingtoseewhoshouldbe"it":
"Mymotherandyourmotherwentouttohangclothes
Mymothergaveyourmotherapunchinthenose."
Ifthechildren'scoupletdoesnotgiveavividpictureofthelife,manners,andcustomsofDover
Street,nodescriptionofminecaneverdoso.
FriedawasmarriedbeforewecametoDoverStreet,andwenttoliveinEastBoston.Thisleftmethe
eldestofthechildrenathome.Whetheronthisaccount,orbecauseIwasoutgrowingmychildish
carelessness,orbecauseIbegantobelieve,onthecumulativeevidenceoftheCrescentBeach,
Chelsea,andWheelerStreetadventures,thatAmerica,afterall,wasnotgoingtoprovideformy
father'sfamily,whetherforanyorallofthesereasons,Ibeganatthistimetotakebreadandbutter
mattersmoretoheart,andtoponderwaysandmeansofgettingrich.Myfathersoughtemployment
whereverworkwasgoingon.Hishealthwaspoorheagedveryfast.Neverthelessheofferedhimself
foreverykindoflaborheofferedhimselfforaboy'swages.Herehewasfoundtooweak,heretoo
oldherehisimperfectEnglishwasintheway,herehisJewishappearance.Hehadafewshortterms
ofworkatthisorthatIdonotknowthenameoftheformofdrudgerythatmyfatherdidnotpractise.
Butalltold,hedidnotearnenoughtopaytherentinfullandbuyaboneforthesoup.Theonly
steadysourceofincome,forIdonotknowwhatyears,wasmybrother'searningsfromhis
newspapers.
Surelythiswasthetimeformytotakemysister'splaceintheworkshop.Ihadhadeveryfairchance
untilnow:school,mytimetomyself,libertytorunandplayandmakefriends.Ihadgraduatedfrom
grammarschoolIwasoflegalagetogotowork.WhatwasIdoing,sittingathomeanddreaming?
Iwasmindingmybusiness,ofcoursewithallmymightIwasmindingmybusiness.AsIunderstood
it,mybusinesswastogotoschool,tolearneverythingtherewastoknow,towritepoetry,become
famous,andmakethefamilyrich.Surelyitwasnotshirkingtolayoutsuchaprogrammeformyself.
Ihadboundlessfaithinmyfuture.Iwascertainlygoingtobeagreatpoet:Iwascertainlygoingto
takecareofthefamily.
ThusmusedI,inmyarrogance.Andmyfamily?TheywereasbadasI.Myfatherhadnotlostawhit
ofhisambitionforme.SinceGraduationDay,andtheschoolcommitteeman'sspeech,andhalfa
columnaboutmeinthepaper,hisambitionhadsoaredevenhigher.Hewasgoingtokeepmeat
schooltillIwaspreparedforcollege.Bythattime,hewassure,Iwouldmorethantakecareof
myself.Itneverforamomententeredhisheadtodoubtthewisdomorjusticeofthiscourse.Andmy
motherwasjustasloyaltomycause,andmybrother,andmysister.
ItisnowonderifIgotalongrapidly:Iwashelped,encouraged,andupheldbyeveryone.Eventhe
babycheeredmeon.WhenIaskedherwhethershebelievedinhighereducation,sheanswered,
withoutamoment'shesitation,"Duckaduckada!"AgainstherIrememberonlythatoneday,whenI
readheraverseoutofamostpatheticpieceIwascomposing,shelaughedrightout,amost
disrespectfullaughforwhichIrevengedmyselfbywashingherfaceatthefaucet,andrubbingitred
ontherollertowel.
Itwasjustlikeme,whenitwasdebatedwhetherIwouldbebestfittedforcollegeattheHighorthe
LatinSchool,togoinpersontoMr.Tetlow,whowasprincipalofbothschools,andsogetthemost
expertopiniononthesubject.Ineversendamessenger,youmayremember,whereIcangomyself.It
wasvacationtime,andIhadtofindMr.Tetlowathishome.AwayouttothewildsofRoxburyI
foundmywayperhapshalfanhour'srideontheelectriccarfromDoverStreet.Igrewaninchtaller
andbroaderbetweenthecornerofCedarStreetandMr.Tetlow'shouse,suchwasthecharmofthe
clean,greensuburbonacrampedwaiffromtheslums.Myfadedcalicodress,myrustystrawsailor
hat,thecolorofmyskinandallbespokethewaif.ButneverabitdauntedwasI.Iwentupthestepsto
theporch,rangthebell,andaskedforthegreatmanwithasmuchassuranceasifIwereadailyvisitor
onCedarStreet.IcalmlyawaitedtheappearanceofMr.Tetlowinthereceptionroom,andstatedmy
errandwithouttrepidation.
Andwhynot?Iwasasolemnlittlepersonforthemoment,earnestlyseekingadviceonamatterof
greatimportance.ThatiswhatMr.Tetlowsaw,tojudgebythegravitywithwhichhediscussedmy
businesswithme,andthecourtesywithwhichheshowedmetothedoor.Hesaw,too,Ifancy,thatI
wasnottheleastbitconsciousofmyshabbydressandIamsurehedidnotsmileatmyappearance,
evenwhenmybackwasturned.
AnewlifebeganformewhenIenteredtheLatinSchoolinSeptember.UntilthenIhadgoneto
schoolwithmyequals,andasamatterofcourse.Nowitwasdistinctlyafeatformetokeepin
school,andmyschoolmatesweresociallysofarsuperiortomethatmypovertybecameconspicuous.
ThepupilsoftheLatinSchool,fromthenatureoftheinstitution,areanaristocraticset.Theycome
fromrefinedhomes,dresswell,andspendtherecesshourtalkingaboutparties,beaux,andthe
matine.Asstudentstheyareeitherveryquickorveryhardworkingforthecourseofstudy,inthe
lingooftheschoolworld,isconsidered"stiff".Thegirlwithhalfherbrainasleep,orwithtoomany
beaux,dropsoutbytheendofthefirstyearoraoneandonlybeaumaybethefatalelement.Atthe
endofthecoursetheweedingprocesshasreducedtheoncenumeroustribeofacademiccandidatesto
acoseylittlefamily.
ByallthesetokensIshouldhavehadseriousbusinessonmyhandsasapupilintheLatinSchool,but
Ididnotfindithard.Tomakemyselfletterperfectinmylessonsrequiredlonghoursofstudy,but
thatwasmydelight.TomakemyselfathomeinanalienworldwasalsowithinmytalentsIhadbeen
practisingitdayandnightforthepastfouryears.Toremainunconsciousofmyshabbyandillfitting
clotheswhentherustleofsilkpetticoatsintheschoolroomprotestedagainstthemwasamatterstill
withinmymoralreach..Halfadressayearhadbeenmyallowanceformanyseasonsevenless,foras
IdidnotgrowmuchIcouldwearmydressesaslongastheylasted.AndIhadstoodbeforeeditors,
andexchangedpolitecallswithschoolteachers,untroubledbythedetestablecolorsandarchaic
designofmygarments.TostandupandreciteLatindeclensionswithouttremblingfromhungerwas
somethingmoreofafeat,becauseIsometimeswenttoschoolwithlittleornobreakfastbuteventhat
requirednospecialheroism,atmostitwasamatterofselfcontrol.Ihadtheadvantageofapoor
appetite,tooIreallydidnotneedmuchbreakfast.OrifIwashungry,itwouldhardlyshowI
coughedsomuchthatmyunsteadinesswasselfexplained.
Everythinghelped,yousee.Myschoolmateshelped.Aristocratsthoughtheywere,theydidnothold
themselvesalooffromme.Someofthegirlswhocametoschoolincarriageswereespeciallycordial.
Theyratedmebymyscholarship,andnotbymyfather'soccupation.Theyteasedandadmiredmeby
turnsforlearningthefootnotesintheLatingrammarbyhearttheyneverreproachedmeformy
ignoranceofthelatestcomicopera.Anditwasmorethatgoodbreedingthatmadethemseem
unawareoftheincongruityofmypresence.Itwasagenerousappreciationofwhatitmeantforagirl
fromtheslumstobeintheLatinSchool,onthewaytocollege.Ifourintimacyendedonthestepsof
theschoolhouse,itwasmoremyfaultthantheirs.Mostofthegirlsweredemocraticenoughtohave
invitedmetotheirhomes,althoughtosome,ofcourse,Iwas"impossible".ButIhadnotimefor
visitingschoolworkandreadingandfamilyaffairsoccupiedallthedaytime,andmuchofthenight
time.Ididnot"gowith"anyofthegirls,intheschoolgirlsenseofthephrase.Iadmiredsomeof
them,eitherforgoodlooks,orbeautifulmanners,ormoresubtleattributesbutalwaysatadistance.I
discoveredsomethinginimitableinthewaytheBackBaygirlscarriedthemselvesandIshouldhave
beenthefirsttoperceivetheincongruityofCommonwealthAvenueentwiningarmswithDover
Street.Someday,perhaps,whenIshouldbefamousandrichbutnotjustthen.Somycompanions
andIpartedonthestepsoftheschoolhouse,inmutualrespecttheyguiltlessofsnobbishness,I
innocentofenvy.ItwasagraciouslyAmericanrelation,andIamhappytothisdaytorecallit.
Theoneexceptiontothisruleoffriendlydistancewasmychum,FlorenceConnolly.ButIshould
hardlyhavesaid"chum".FlorenceandIoccupiedadjacentseatsforthreeyears,butwedidnotwalk
arminarm,norcalleachothernicknames,norshareourlunch,norcorrespondinvacationtime.
Florencewasquietasamouse,andIwasreservedasanoysterandperhapswetwohadmorein
commonfundamentallythanthosetwocreaturesintheirnaturalstate.Still,aswewerebothvery
studious,andneverstrayedfarfromourdesksatrecess,wepractisedasortofintimacyof
propinquity.AlthoughFlorencewasofmysocialorder,herfatherpresidingoveracheaplunchroom,
Ididnotonthataccountfeelespeciallydrawntoher.IspentmoretimestudyingFlorencethanloving
her,Isuppose.AndyetIoughttohavelovedhershewassuchagoodgirl.Alwaysperfectinher
lessons,shewassomodestthatsherecitedinanoticeabletremor,andhadtobetoldfrequentlyto
raisehervoice.Florenceworeherlightbrownhairbrushedflatlybackandbraidedinasingleplait,at
atimewhenpompadoursweresixincheshighandbraidshunginpairs.Florencehadapocketinher
dressforherhandkerchief,inadaywhenpocketswererepugnanttofashion.Allthesethingsoughtto
havemademefeelthekinshipofhumblecircumstances,thecomradeshipofintellectualearnestness
buttheydidnot.
Thetruthisthatmyrelationtopersonsandthingsdependedneitheronsocialdistinctionsnoron
intellectualormoralaffinities.Myattitude,atthistime,wasdeterminedbymyconsciousnessofthe
uniqueelementsinmycharacterandhistory.ItseemedtomethatIhadbeenpursuingasingle
adventuresincethebeginningoftheworld.Throughhighwaysandbyways,underground,
overground,byland,bysea,everthesamestarhadguidedme,Ithought,everthesamepurposehad
dividedmyaffairsfromothermen's.Whatthatpurposewas,wherewasthefixedhorizonbeyond
whichmystarwouldnotrecede,wasanabsorbingmysterytome.Butthecurrentmomentnever
puzzledme.WhatIchoseinstinctivelytodoIknewtoberightandinaccordancewithmydestiny.I
neverhesitatedovergreatthings,butansweredpromptlytothecallofmygenius.Sowhatwasitto
mewhethermyneighborsspurnedorembracedme,ifmywaywasnoman'sway?Norshouldany
oneeverrejectmewhomIchosetobemyfriend,becauseIwouldmakesureofakindredspiritbythe
coincidenceofourguidingstars.
When,whereintheharumscarumlifeofDoverStreetwastheretimeorplaceforsuchself
communing?Inthenight,wheneverybodysleptonasolitarywalk,asfarfromhomeasIdaredtogo.
IwasnotunhappyonDoverStreetquitethecontrary.Everythingofconsequencewaswellwithme.
Povertywasasuperficial,temporarymatteritvanishedatthetouchofmoney.MoneyinAmerica
wasplentifulitwasonlyamatterofgettingsomeofit,andIwasonmywaytothemint.IfDover
Streetwasnotapleasantplacetoabidein,itwasonlyawaysidehouse.AndIwasreallyhappy,
activelyhappy,intheexerciseofmymindinLatin,mathematics,history,andtherestthethingsthat
sufficeastudiousgirlinthemiddleteens.
StillIhadmomentsofdepression,whenmywholebeingprotestedagainstthelifeoftheslum.I
resentedthefamiliarityofmyvulgarneighbors.IfeltmyselfdefiledbytheindecenciesIwas
compelledtowitness.ThenitwasItooktorunningawayfromhome.Iwentoutinthetwilightand
walkedforhours,myblindfeetleadingme.IdidnotcarewhereIwent.IfIlostmyway,somuchthe
betterIneverwantedtoseeDoverStreetagain.
Butbehold,asIleftthecrowdsbehind,andthebroaderavenueswerespannedbytheopensky,my
grievancesmeltedaway,andIfelltodreamingofthingsthatneitherhurtnorpleased.Afringeof
treesagainstthesunsetbecamesuddenlythesymbolofthewholeworld,andIstoodandgazedand
askedquestionsofit.Thesunsetfadedthetreeswithdrew.Thewindwentby,butdroppednohintin
myear.Theeveningstarleapedoutbetweentheclouds,andsealedthesecretwithasealofsplendor.
Afavouriteresortofmine,afterdark,wastheSouthBostonBridge,acrossSouthBayandtheOld
ColonyRailroad.ThiswassonearhomethatIcouldgothereatanytimewhentheconfusioninthe
housedrovemeout,orIfelttheneedoffreshair.Ilikedtostandleaningonthebridgerailing,and
lookdownonthedimtangleofrailroadtracksbelow.Icouldbarelyseethembranchingout,
elbowing,winding,andslidingoutintothenightinpairs.Iwasfascinatedbythedottedlights,the
significantredandgreenofsignallamps.Thesesimplethingsstoodforacomplexitythatitmademe
dizzytothinkof.Thentheblacknessbelowmewassplitbythefieryeyeofamonsterengine,his
breathenvelopedmeinblindingclouds,hislongbodyshotby,rattlingahundredclawsofsteeland
hewasgone,withanimperativeshriekthatshookmewhereIstood.
SowouldIbe,swiftonmyrightfulbusiness,pickingoutmypropertrackfromthemillionthatcross
it,pausingfornoobstacles,sureofmygoal.
ILIKEDTOSTANDANDLOOKDONONTHEDIMTANGLEOFRAILROADTRACKS
BELOW
AftermywatchesonthebridgeIoftenstayeduptowriteorstudy.ItislatebeforeDoverStreet
beginstogotobed.ItispastmidnightbeforeIfeelthatIamalone.Seatedinmystifflittlechair
beforemynarrowtable,Igatherinthenightsoundsthroughtheopenwindow,curioustoassortand
definethem.As,littlebylittle,thecitysettlesdowntosleep,thevolumeofsounddiminishes,andthe
qualitiesofparticularsoundsstandout.Theelectriccarlurchesbywithsilentgong,takingtheempty
trackbyleaps,hummingtoitselfintheinvisibledistance.Abenightedteamswingsrecklesslyaround
thecorner,sharpundermyrattlingwindowpanes,thestaccatopeltingofhoofsonthecobblestones
changedsuddenlytoanevenpoundingonthebridge.Afewpedestrianshurryby,theirheavyboots
alloutofstep.Thedistantthoroughfareshavelongagoceasedtheirmurmur,andIknowthata
millionlampsshineidlyintheidlestreets.
Mysistersleepsquietlyinthelittlebed.Therhythmicdrippingofafaucetisaudiblethroughtheflat.
ItissostillthatIcanhearthepapercracklingonthewall.Silenceuponsilenceisaddedtothenight
onlythekitchenclockisthevoiceofmybroodingthoughts,ticking,ticking,ticking.
Suddenlythedistantwhistleofalocomotivebreaksthestillnesswithalongdrawnwail.Likea
threatenedtrouble,thesoundcomesnearer,piercinglynearthenitdiesoutinamangledsilence,
complainingtothelast.
Thesleepersstirintheirbeds.Somebodysighs,andtheburdenofallhistroublesfallsuponmyheart.
Ahomelesscatcriesinthealley,inthevoiceofahumanchild.Andthetickingofthekitchenclockis
thevoiceofmytroubledthoughts.
ManythingsarerevealedtomeasIsitandwatchtheworldasleep.Butthesilenceasksmemany
questionsthatIcannotanswerandIamgladwhenthetideofsoundbeginstoreturn,bylittleand
little,andIwelcometheclatteroftincansthatannouncesthemilkman.Icannotseehiminthedusk,
butIknowhiswholesomefacehasnoprobleminit.
Itisoneflightuptotheroofitisaleapofthesoultothesunrise.Themorningmistrestslightlyon
chimneysandroofsandwalls,wreathesthelampposts,andfloatsingauzystreamersdownthe
streets.Distantbuildingsaremassedlikepalacewalls,withturretsandspireslostintherosyclouds.I
lovemybeautifulcityspreadingallaboutme.Ilovetheworld.Ilovemyplaceintheworld.
CHAPTERXVII
THELANDLADY
FROMsunrisetosunsetthedaywaslongenoughformanythingsbesidesschool,whichoccupied
fivehours.Therewastimeformetotrytoearnmylivingoratleasttherentofourtenement.Rent
wasastandingtrouble.Wewerealwaysbehind,andthelandladywasveryangrysoIwas
particularlyambitioustoearntherent.Ihadhadoneortwopoemspublishedsincethecelebrated
eulogyofGeorgeWashington,butnobodyhadpaidformypoemsyet.Iwascomingtothat,of
course,butinthemeantimeIcouldnotpaytherentwithmywriting.Tobesure,myacquaintance
withmenoflettersgavemeanopening.Afriendofmineintroducedmetoaslightlyliterarylady,
whointroducedmetotheeditorofthe"BostonSearchlight,"whoofferedmeagenerouscommission
forsubscriptionstohispaper.
Ifourrentwasthreeandonehalfdollarsperweek,payableonstrongdemand,andtheannual
subscriptiontothe"Searchlight"wasonedollar,andmycommissionwasfiftypercent,howmany
subscribersdidIneed?Howeasy!Sevensubscribersaweekoneaday!Anybodycoulddothat.Mr.
James,theeditor,saidso.HesaidIcouldgettwoorthreeanyafternoon,betweentheendofschool
andsupper.IfIworkedallSaturdaymyheadwentdizzycomputingtheamountofmycommissions.
Itwouldberentandshoesandbonnetsandeverythingforeverybody.
BrightandearlyoneSaturdaymorninginthefallIstartedoutcanvassing,inmyhandaneatlyfolded
copyofthe"Searchlight,"inmyheart,faithinmyluckystarandgoodwilltowardsalltheworld.I
beganwithoneofthegreatofficebuildingsonTremontStreet,asMr.Jameshadadvised.Thefirst
halfhourIlost,wanderingthroughthecorridors,readingthenamesonthedoors.Thereweresomany
peopleinthesameoffice,howshouldIknow,whenIentered,whichwasWilson&Reed,Solicitors,
andwhichC.JenkinsSmith,MortgagesandBonds?Idecidedthatitdidnotmatter:Iwouldcallthem
all"Sir."
Iselectedadoorandknocked.Afterwaitingsometime,Iknockedalittlelouder.Thebuildingbuzzed
withnoise,swiftfootstepsechoedonthestonefloors,snappytalkbrokeoutwiththeopeningof
everydoor,bellstinkled,elevatorshummed,nowondertheydidnothearmeknock.ButInoticed
thatotherpeoplewentinwithoutknocking,soafterawhileIdidthesame.
Therewereseveralmenandtwowomeninthesmall,brightlylightedroom.Theywereallbusy.It
wasveryconfusing.ShouldIsay"Sir"totheroomful?
"Excuseme,sir,"Ibegan.Thatwasaverygoodbeginning,Ifeltsure,butImustspeaklouder.Lately
myvoicehadbeenpoorinschoolgaveout,sometimes,inthemiddleofarecitation.Iclearedmy
throat,butIdidnotrepeatmyself.ThebackofthebaldheadthatIhadaddressedrevolvedand
presenteditscomplement,abaldfront.
"WillyouwouldyoulikeI'dlike"
Istaredwithdismayatthebaldgentleman,unabletorecallawordofwhatImeanttosayandhe
staredinimpatienceatme.
"Well,well!"hesnapped,"Whatisit?Whatisit?"
Thatremindedme.
"It'sthe'BostonSearchlight,'sir.Itakesub"
"Takeitawaytakeitaway.We'rebusyhere."Hewavedmeawayoverhisshoulder,thebackofhis
headoncemorepresentedtome.
Istoleoutoftheroomingreatconfusion.WasthatthewayIwasgoingtobereceived?Why,Mr.
Jameshadsaidnobodywouldhesitatetosubscribe.ItwasthebestpaperinBoston,the"Searchlight,"
andnobusinessmancouldaffordtobewithoutit.Imusthavemadesomeblunder.Was"Mortgages
andBonds"abusiness?I'dneverheardofit,andverylikelyIhadspokentoC.JenkinsSmith.Imust
tryagainofcourseImusttryagain.
Iselectedarealestateofficenext.Arealestatebroker,Iknewforcertain,wasabusinessman.Mr.
GeorgeA.Hookermustbejustwaitingforthe"BostonSearchlight."
Mr.Hookerwasindeedwaiting,andhewastelling"Central"aboutit.
"Yes,Centralwaiting,waitingWhat?Yes,yesringfourWhat'sthat?Sincewhen?Whydid
n'tyousaysoatfirst,then,insteadofkeepingmeonthelineWhat?Oh,isthatso?Well,never
mindthistime,Central.Isee,Isee.Allright."
IhadbecomesoabsorbedinthismonologuethatwhenMr.Hookerswungaroundonmeinhis
revolvingchairIwasstartled,feelingthatIhadbeencaughteavesdropping.Ithoughthewasgoingto
rebukeme,butheonlysaid,"WhatcanIdoforyou,Miss?"
Encouragedbyhisforbearance,Isaid:
"Wouldyouliketosubscribetothe'BostonSearchlight,'sir?""Sir"wassafer,afterall.It'sadollar
ayear."
IwassupposedtosaythatitwasthebestpaperinBoston,etc.,butMr.Hookerdidnotlook
interested,thoughhewasnotcross.
"No,thankyou,Missnonewpapersforme.Excuseme,Iamverybusy."Andhebegantodictateto
astenographer.
Well,thatwasnotsobad.Mr.Hookerwasatleastpolite.Imusttrytomakeabetterspeechnexttime.
Istucktorealestatenow.O'Lair&Kennedywerebothin,inmynextoffice,andbothapparently
enjoyingaminuteofrelaxation,tiltedbackintheirchairsbehindalowrailing.SaidI,determinedto
bebusinesslikeatlast,andaddressingmyselftothewholefirm:
"Wouldyouliketosubscribetothe'BostonSearchlight?'It'saverygoodpaper.Nobusinessmancan
afforditaffordtobewithoutit,Imean.It'sonlyadollarayear."
Bothmensmiledatmybreak,andIsmiled,too.Iwonderedwouldtheysubscribeseparately,or
wouldtheytakeonecopyforthefirm.
"The'BostonSearchlight,'"repeatedoneofthepartners."Neverheardofit.Isthatthepaperyouhave
there?"
HeunfoldedthepaperIgavehim,lookedoverit,andhandedittohispartner.
"Everheardofthe'Searchlight,'O'Lair?Whatdoyouthinkcanweaffordtobewithoutit?"
"Iguesswe'llmakeoutsomehow,"repliedMr.O'Lair,handingmebackmypaper."ButI'llbuythis
copyofyou,Miss,"headded,fromsecondthoughts.
"AndI'llgopartneronthebargain,"saidMr.Kennedy.
ButIobjected.
"Thisisasample,"Isaid"Idon'tsellsinglepapers.Itakesubscriptionsfortheyear.It'sonedollar."
"Andnobusinessmancanaffordit,youknow."Mr.Kennedywinkedashesaidit,andweallsmiled
again.Itwouldhavebeenstupidnottoseethejoke.
"I'msorryIcan'tsellmysample,"Isaid,withmyhandonthedoorknob.
"That'sallright,mydear,"saidMr.Kennedy,withagraciouswaveofthehand.Andhispartner
calledafterme,"Betterlucknextdoor!"
Well,Iwasgettingon!Thepeoplegrewfriendlierallthetime.ButIskipped"nextdoor"itwas
"MortgagesandBonds."Itried"Insurance."
"ThebestpaperinBoston,isit?"remarkedMr.ThomasF.Dix,turningovermysample."Andwho
toldyouthat,younglady?"
"Mr.James,"wasmypromptreply.
"WhoisMr.James?Theeditor!Oh,Isee.Anddoyoualsothinkthe'Searchlight'thebestpaperin
Boston?"
"Idon'tknow,sir.Ilikethe'Herald'muchbetter,andthe'Transcript.'"
AtthatMr.Dixlaughed."That'sright,"hesaid."Businessisbusiness,butyoutellthetruth.One
dollar,isit?Hereyouare.Mynameisonthedoor.Goodday."
IthinkIspenttwentyminutescopyingthenameandroomnumberfromthedoor.Ididnottrust
myselftoreadplainEnglish.WhatifImadeamistake,andthe"Searchlight"wentastray,andgood
Mr.Dixremainedunilluminated?Hehadpaidfortheyearitwouldbedreadfultomakeamistake.
Emboldenedbymyonesuccess,Iwentintothenextofficewithoutconsideringthekindofbusiness
announcedonthedoor.Itriedbrokers,lawyers,contractors,andall,justastheycamearoundthe
corridorbutIcopiednomoreaddresses.Mostofthepeoplewerepolite.Somemenwavedmeaway,
likeC.JenkinsSmith.Somelookedimpatientatfirst,butexcusedthemselvespolitelyintheend.
Almosteverybodysaid,"We'rebusyhere,"asiftheysuspectedIwantedthemtoreadawholeyear's
issueofthe"Searchlight"atonce.Atleastonemantoldmehedidnotthinkitwasanicebusinessfor
agirl,goingthroughtheofficeslikethat.
Thistookmeaback.Ihadnotthoughtanythingaboutthenatureofthebusiness.Ionlywantedthe
moneytopaytherent.Iwanderedthroughmilesofstonecorridors,unabletoseewhyitwasnota
nicebusiness,andyetreluctanttogoonwithit,withthedoubtinmymind.Intentonmynew
problem,Iwalkedintoamessengerboyandlookingbacktoapologizetohim,Icollidedsoftlywitha
cushionshapedgentlemangettingoutofanelevator.Iwasmakingupmymindtoleavethebuilding
forever,whenIsawanofficedoorstandingopen.ItwasthefirstopendoorIhadcomeacrosssince
morningitwaspastnoonnowanditwasasigntometokeepon.Imustnotgiveupsoeasily.
Mr.FrederickA.Strongwasaloneintheoffice,surreptitiouslypickinghisteeth.Hehadbeento
lunch.Heheardmeoutgoodnaturedly.
"Howmuchisyourcommission,ifImayask?"Itwasthefirstthinghehadsaid.
"Fiftycents,sir."
"Well,I'lltellyouwhatIwilldo.Idon'tcaretosubscribe,buthere'saquarterforyou."
IfIdidnotblush,itwasbecauseitisnotmyhabit,butallofasuddenIchoked.Alumpjumpedinto
mythroatalmostthetearswereinmyeyes.Thatmanwasrightwhosaiditwasnotnicetogo
throughtheoffices.Iwastakenforabeggar:astrangerofferedmemoneyfornothing.
Icouldnotsayaword.Istartedtogoout.ButMr.Strongjumpedupandpreventedme.
"Oh,don'tgolikethat!"hecried."Ididn'tmeantooffendyouuponmyword,Ididn't.Ibegyour
pardon.Ididn'tknowyouseeWon'tyousitdownaminutetorest?That'skindofyou."
Mr.StrongwassogenuinelyrepentantthatIcouldnotrefusehim.Besides,Ifeltalittleweak.Ihad
beenonmyfeetsincemorning,andhadhadnolunch.Isatdown,andMr.Strongtalked.Heshowed
meapictureofhiswifeandlittlegirl,andsaidImustgoandseethemsometime.PrettysoonIwas
chatting,too,andItoldMr.StrongabouttheLatinSchoolandofcourseheaskedmeifIwasFrench,
thepeoplealwaysdidwhentheywantedtosaythatIhadaforeignaccent.Sowegotstartedon
Russia,andhadsuchaninterestingtimethatwebothjumpedup,surprised,whenafineyoungladyin
abeautifulhatcameintotakepossessionoftheidletypewriter.
Mr.Strongintroducedmeveryformally,thankedmeforaninterestinghour,andshookhandswith
meatthedoor.Ididnotaddhisnametomyshortsubscriptionlist,butIcounteditagreatertriumph
thatIhadmadeafriend.
Itwouldhavebeenseekingananticlimaxtosolicitanymoreinthebuilding.Iwentout,intotheroar
ofTremontStreet,andacrosstheCommon,stillgreenandleafy.Irestedawhileonabench,debating
wheretogonext.ItwaspasttwobytheclockonParkStreetChurch.Ihadhadalongdayalready,
butitwastooearlytoquitwork,withonlyonehalfdollarofmyowninmypocket.ItwasSaturday
intheeveningthelandladywouldcome.Imusttryalittlelonger.
IwentoutalongColumbusAvenue,apopularrouteforbicyclistsatthattime.Thebicyclestoresall
alongthewaylookedpromisingtome.Thepeopledidnotlooksobusyasintheofficebuilding:they
wouldatleastbepolite.
Theywerenotparticularlyrude,buttheydidnotsubscribe.Nobodywantedthe"Searchlight."They
hadneverheardofittheymadejokesaboutittheydidnotwantitatanyprice.
Ibegantolosefaithinthepapermyself.Igottiredofitsname.Ibegantofeeldizzy.Istoppedgoing
intothestores.Iwalkedstraightalong,lookingatnothing.Iwantedtogoback,gohome,butIwould
n't.Ifeltlikedoingmyselfspite.Iwalkedrightalong,straightastheavenueran.Ididnotknowwhere
itwouldleadme.Ididnotcare.Everythingwashorrid.Iwouldgorightonuntilnight.Iwouldget
lost.Iwouldfallinafaintonastrangedoorstep,andbefounddeadinthemorning,andbepitied.
Wouldn'tthatbeinteresting!Theadventuremightevenendhappily.Imightfaintatthedoorofarich
oldman'shouse,whowouldtakemein,andorderhishousekeepertonurseme,justlikeinthestory
books.InmydeliriumofcourseIwouldhaveafeverIwouldtalkaboutthelandlady,andhowI
hadtriedtoearntherentandtheoldgentlemanwouldwipehisspectaclesforpity.ThenIwould
wakeup,andaskplaintively,"WhereamI?"AndwhenIgotstrong,afteradelightfullylong
convalescence,theoldgentlemanwouldtakemetoDoverStreetinacarriage!andwewouldall
bereunited,andlaughandcrytogether.Theoldgentleman,ofcourse,wouldengagemyfatherashis
steward,onthespot,andwewouldallgotoliveinoneofhishouses,withagardenaroundit.
Iwalkedonandon,gleefullyawarethatIhadnoteatensincemorning.Wasn'tIbeginningtofeel
shaky?YesIshouldcertainlyfaintbeforelong.ButIdidn'tlikethehousesIpassed.Theydidnot
lookfitformyadventure.ImustkeepuptillIreachedabetterneighborhood.
AnybodywhoknowsBostonknowshowcheaplymyadventureended.ColumbusAvenueleadsoutto
RoxburyCrossing.WhenIsawthatthehousesweregettingshabbier,insteadoffiner,myheartsank.
WhenIcameoutonthenoisy,thricecommonplacestreetcarcentre,myspiritcollapsedutterly.
Ididnotswoon.Iwokeupfrommyfoolish,childishdreamwithashock.Iwasdisgustedwith
myself,andfrightenedbesides.Itwaseveningnow,andIwasfaintandsickingoodearnest,andIdid
notknowwhereIwas.IaskedastarteratthetransferstationthewaytoDoverStreet,andhetoldme
togetonacarthatwasjustcomingin.
"I'llwalk,"Isaid,"ifyouwillpleasetellmetheshortestway."HowcouldIspendfivecentsoutofthe
littleIhadmade?
Butthestarterdiscouragedme.
"Youcan'twalkitbeforemidnightthewayyoulook,mygirl.Betterhoponthatcarbeforeitgoes."
Icouldnotresistthetemptation.Irodehomeinthecar,andfeltlikeathiefwhenIpaidthefare.Five
centsgonetopayformyfolly!
IwasgratefulforacoldsupperthricegratefultohearthatMrs.Hutch,thelandlady,hadbeenand
gone,contentwithtwodollarsthatmyfatherhadbroughthome.
Mrs.Hutchseldomsucceededincollectingthefullamountoftherentsfromhertenants.Isuppose
thatmadethebookkeepingcomplicated,whichmusthavebeenwearingonhernervesandhenceher
temper.Welived,onDoverStreet,infearofhertemper.Saturdayhadadistinctqualityaboutit,
derivedfromtheimminenceofMrs.Hutch'svisit.OfcourseIawokeonSaturdaymorningwiththe
noschoolfeelingbutthegrimthingthatleapedtoitsfeetandglowereddownonme,whiletherest
ofmyconsciousnesswasstillyawningonitsback,wastheMrs.Hutchiscomingandthere'snorent
feeling.
Itishard,ifyouareayounggirl,fulloflifeandinclinedtobeglad,togotosleepinanxietyand
awakeinfear.Itisapttointerferewiththecirculationofthevitaletherofhappinessintheyoung,
whichisdamagingtothecomplexionofthesoul.Itisbitter,whenyouaremiddleagedand
unsuccessful,togotosleepinselfreproachandawakeunexonerated.Itislikelytocause
fermentationinthesweetestnatureitiscertaintobreedgrayhairsandaprematurelongingfordeath.
Itispitiful,ifyouarethehomekeepingmotherofanimpoverishedfamily,todropinyourtraces
helplessatnight,andawakeunstrengthenedintheearlymorning.Thehauntingconsciousnessof
rootedpovertyisanimproperbedfellowforawomanwhostillbears.Ithasbeenknowntoinduce
physicalandspiritualmalformationsinthebabiesshenurses.
Itdidrequirestrengthtolifttheburdenoflife,inthegraymorning,onDoverStreetespeciallyon
Saturdaymorning.Perhapsmymother'spackwastheheaviesttolift.Tothemanofthehouse,
povertyisabulkydragonwithgrippingtalonsandapoisonousbreathbuthebellowsintheopen,and
itispossibletogivehimknightlybattle,withthefullswingoftheangryarmthatcutstotheenemy's
vitals.Tothehousewife,wantisaninsidiousmyriapodcreaturethatcrawlsinthedark,mateswithits
ownoffspring,breedsalltheyearround,persistslikeleprosy.Thewomanhasanendless,inglorious
strugglewiththepesthertriumphsaretoopettyforapplause,herfailurestoomeanfornotice.Care,
totheman,isahoundtobekeptinleashandmastered.Tothewoman,careisasecretparasitethat
infectstheblood.
Mrs.Hutch,ofcourse,wasonlyonesymptomofthediseaseofpoverty,butthereweretimeswhen
sheseemedtomethesharpesttoothofthegnawingcanker.Surelyassorrowtrailsbehindsin,
SaturdayeveningbroughtMrs.Hutch.Thelandladydidnottrail.Hermovementswereanythingbut
impassive.Sheclimbedthestairswithdeterminationandlandedatthetopwithemphasis.Herknock
onthedoorwasclear,sharp,unfalteringitwasimpossibletopretendnottohearit.Her"Good
evening"announcedbusinesshermanneroftakingachairsuggestedthethrowingdownofthe
gauntlet.Invariablysheaskedformyfather,callinghimMr.Anton,andrefusingtobecorrected
almostinvariablyhewasnotathomewasoutlookingforwork.Hadhelefthertherent?My
mother'sgentle"No,ma'am"wasthesignalforthestorm.IdonotwanttorepeatwhatMrs.Hutch
said.Itwouldbehardonher,andhardonme.Shegrewredinthefacehervoicegrewshrillerwith
everyword.Mypoormotherhungherheadwhereshestoodthechildrenstaredfromtheircorners
thefrightenedbabycried.Theangrylandladyrehearsedoursinslikeaprophetforetellingdoom.We
owedsomanyweeks'rentweweretoolazytoworkweneverintendedtopaywelivedonothers
wedeservedtobeputoutwithoutwarning.Shereproachedmymotherforhavingtoomanychildren
sheblamedusallforcomingtoAmerica.Sheenumeratedherlossesthroughnonpaymentofherrents
toldusthatshedidnotcollecttheamountofhertaxesshowedushowourirregularitiesweredriving
apoorwidowtoruin.
Mymotherdidnotattempttoexcuseherself,butwhenMrs.Hutchbegantorailagainstmyabsent
father,shetriedtoputinawordinhisdefense.Thelandladygrewalltheshrilleratthat,andsilenced
mymotherimpatiently.Sometimessheaddressedherselftome.Ialwaysstoodby,ifIwasathome,
togivemymotherthemoralsupportofmydumbsympathy.IunderstoodthatMrs.Hutchhada
specialgrudgeagainstme,becauseIdidnotgotoworkasacashgirlandearnthreedollarsaweek.I
wantedtoexplaintoherhowIwaspreparingmyselfforagreatcareer,andIwasreadytopromiseher
thepaymentofthearrearsassoonasIbegantogetrich.Butthelandladywouldnotletmeputina
word.AndIwassorryforher,becausesheseemedtobehavingsuchabadtime.
AtlastMrs.Hutchgotuptoleave,marchingoutasdeterminedlyasshehadmarchedin.Atthedoor
sheturned,inundiminishedwrath,toshootherpartingdart:
"AndifMr.AntondoesnotbringmetherentonMonday,IwillservenoticeofevictiononTuesday,
withoutfail."
Webreathedwhenshewasgone.Mymotherwipedawayafewtears,andwenttothebaby,cryingin
thewindowless,airtightroom.
Iwasthefirsttospeak.
"Isn'tshequeer,mamma!"Isaid."Sheneverremembershowtosayourname.Sheinsistsonsaying
AntonAnton.Celia,sayAnton."AndImadethebabylaughbyimitatingthelandlady,whohad
madehercry.
ButwhenIwenttomylittleroom,IdidnotmockMrs.Hutch.Ithoughtabouther,thoughtlongand
hard,andtoapurpose.Idecidedthatshemusthearmeoutonce.Shemustunderstandaboutmy
plans,myfuture,mygoodintentions.Itwastooirrationaltogoonlikethis,welivinginfearofher,
sheindistrustofus.IfMrs.Hutchwouldonlytrustme,andthetaxcollectorswouldtrusther,we
couldalllivehappilyforever.
Iwasthemorecertainthatmyargumentwouldprevailwiththelandlady,ifonlyIcouldmakeher
listen,becauseIunderstoodherpointofview.Ievensympathizedwithher.Whatshesaidaboutthe
babies,forinstance,wasnotallunreasonabletome.Therewasthislastbaby,mymother'ssixth,born
onMrs.Hutch'spremisesyes,inthewindowless,airtightbedroom.Wasthereanyneedofthis
baby?WhenMaywasborn,twoyearsearlier,onWheelerStreet,IhadacceptedherafterawhileI
evenwelcomedher.ShewasbornanAmerican,anditwassomethingtometohaveonegenuine
Americanrelative.Ihadtositupwithherthewholeofherfirstnightonearth,andIquestionedher
abouttheplaceshecamefrom,andsowegotacquainted.Asmymotherwassoillthatmysister
Frieda,whowasnurse,andthedoctorfromthedispensaryhadalltheycoulddototakecareofher,
thebabyremainedinmychargeagooddeal,andsoIgotusedtoher.ButwhenCeliacameIwastwo
yearsolder,andmyoutlookwasbroaderIcouldseearoundababy'scharms,anddiscernthe
disadvantagesofpossessingthebaby.IwassuppliedwithallkindsofrelativesnowIhadabrother
inlaw,andanAmericanbornnephew,whomightbecomeaPresident.Moreover,Iknewtherewas
notenoughtoeatbeforethebaby'sadvent,andshedidnotbringanysupplieswithherthatIcould
see.Thebabywasonetoomany.Therewasnoneedofher.Iresentedherexistence.Irecordedmy
resentmentinmyjournal.
Iwaspleasedwithmybroadmindedness,thatenabledmetoseeallsidesofthebabyquestion.I
couldregardeventherentquestiondisinterestedly,likeaphilosopherreviewingnaturalphenomena.
ItseemednotunreasonablethatMrs.Hutchshouldhaveacravingfortherentassuch.Aschoolgirl
dotesonherbooks,ababycriesforitsrattle,andalandladyyearnsforherrents.Icouldeasily
believethatitwasdoingMrs.Hutchspiritualviolencetowithholdtherentfromherandhencethe
vehemencewithwhichshepursuedthearrears.
Yes,Icouldanalyzethelandladyverynicely.Iwascertainlyqualifiedtoactaspeacemakerbetween
herandmyfamily.ButImustgotoherownhouse,andnotonarentday.Saturdayevening,when
shewasembitteredbymanydisappointments,wasnotimetoapproachherwithdiplomatic
negotiations.Imustgotoherhouseonadayofgoodomen.
AndIwent,assoonasmyfathercouldgivemeaweek'srenttotakealong.IfoundMrs.Hutchinthe
gloomofalong,fadedparlor.Divestedoftheampleblackcoatandwidow'sbonnetinwhichIhad
alwaysseenher,herpresencewouldhavebeenlessformidablehadInotbeenconsciousthatIwasa
mererumpledsparrowfallenintothelion'sden.WhenIhaddeliveredthemoney,Ishouldhave
begunmyspeechbutIdidnotknowwhatcamefirstofalltherewastosay.WhileIhesitated,Mrs.
Hutchobservedme.Shenoticedmybooks,andaskedaboutthem.Ithoughtthiswasmyopening,and
IshowedhereagerlymyLatingrammar,mygeometry,myVirgil.IbegantotellherhowIwastogo
tocollege,tofitmyselftowritepoetry,andgetrich,andpaythearrears.ButMrs.Hutchcutmeshort
atthementionofcollege.Shebrokeoutwithheroldreproaches,andworkedherselfintoaworsefury
thanIhadeverwitnessedbefore.Iwasallaloneinthetempest,andaveryoldladywassittingona
sofa,drinkingteaandthetidyonthebackofthesofawasslidingdown.
Iwassobewilderedbythesuddennessoftheonslaught,Ifeltsohelplesstodefendmyself,thatI
couldonlystandandstareatMrs.Hutch.Shekeptonrailingwithoutstoppingforbreath,repeating
herselfoverandover.AtlastIceasedtohearwhatshesaidIbecamehypnotizedbytherapid
movementofhermouth.Thenthemovingtidycaughtmyeyeandthespellwasbroken.Iwentover
tothesofawithadecidedstepandcarefullyreplacedthetidy.
Itwasnowthelandlady'sturntostare,andIstaredback,surprisedatmyownaction.Theoldlady
alsostared,herteacupsuspendedunderhernose.Thewholethingwassoridiculous!Ihadcomeon
suchagrandmission,readytodictatethetermsofanoblepeace.Iwasmetwithangerand
contumelythedignityoftheambassadorofpeacerubbedoffatatouch,likethegoldendustfromthe
butterfly'swing.Itookmyscoldinglikeameekchildandthen,whenshewasinthemiddleofa
trenchantphrase,hereyefixeddaggerlikeonmine,Icalmlywenttoputtheenemy'shouseinorder!It
wasridiculous,andIlaughed.
ImmediatelyIwassorry.Iwantedtoapologize,butMrs.Hutchdidn'tgivemeachance.Ifshehad
beenharshbefore,shewasterrificnow.DidIcomeheretoinsulther?shewantedtoknow.Wasn't
itenoughthatIandmyfamilylivedonher,thatImustcometoheronpurposetorileherwithmytalk
aboutcollegecollege!thesebeggars!andlaughinherface?"Whatdidyoucomefor?Whosent
you?Whydoyoustandtherestaring?Saysomething!College!thesebeggars!AnddoyouthinkI'll
keepyoutillyougotocollege?You,learninggeometry!Didyoueverfigureouthowmuchrentyour
fatherowesme?YouarealltoolazyDon'tsayaword!Don'tspeaktome!Comingheretolaughin
myface!Idon'tbelieveyoucansayonesensibleword.LatinandFrench!Oh,thesebeggars!You
oughttogotowork,ifyouknowenoughtodoonesensiblething.College!Gohomeandtellyour
fathernevertosendyouagain.Laughinginmyfaceandstaring!Whydon'tyousaysomething?
Howoldareyou?"
Mrs.Hutchactuallystopped,andIjumpedintothepause.
"I'mseventeen,"Isaidquickly,"andIfeellikeseventy."
Thiswastoomuch,evenformewhohadspoken.Ihadnotmeanttosaythelast.Itbrokeout,likemy
wickedlaugh.Iwasafraid,ifIstayedanylonger,Mrs.HutchwouldhavetheapoplexyandIfeltthat
Iwasgoingtocry.Imovedtowardthedoor,butthelandladygotinanotherspeechbeforeIhad
escaped.
"Seventeenseventy!Andlooksliketwelve!Thechildissilly.Can'teventellherownage.No
wonder,withherLatin,andFrench,and"
IdidcrywhenIgotoutside,andIdidn'tcareifIwasnoticed.Whatwastheuseofanything?
EverythingIdidwaswrong.EverythingItriedtodoforMrs.Hutchturnedoutbad.Itriedtosell
papers,forthesakeoftherent,andnobodywantedthe"Searchlight,"andIwastolditwasnotanice
business.Iwantedtotakeherintomyconfidence,andshewouldn'thearaword,butscoldedand
calledmenames.Shewasanunreasonable,ungratefullandlady.Iwishedshewouldputusout,then
weshouldberidofher.Butwasn'titfunnyaboutthattidy?Whatmademedothat?Inevermeant
to.Curious,thewaywesometimesdothingswedon'twanttoatall.Theoldladymustbedeafshe
didn'tsayanythingallthattime.Oh,Ihaveawholebookofthe"neid"toreview,andit'sgetting
late.Imusthurryhome.
Itwasimpossibletoremaindespondentlong.Thelandladycameonlyonceaweek,Ireflected,asI
walked,andtherestofthetimeIwassurroundedbyfriends.Everybodywasgoodtome,athome,of
course,andatschoolandtherewasMissDillingham,andherfriendwhotookmeoutinthecountry
toseetheautumnleaves,andherfriend'sfriendwholentmebooks,andMr.Hurd,whoputmypoems
inthe"Transcript,"andgavemebooksalmosteverytimeIcame,andadozenotherswhodid
somethinggoodformeallthetime,besidestheseveraldozenwhowrotemesuchniceletters.
Friends?IfInamedoneforeveryblockIpassedIshouldnotgetthroughbeforeIreachedhome.
TherewasMr.Strong,too,andhewantedmetomeethiswifeandlittlegirl.AndMr.Pastor!Ihad
almostforgottenMr.Pastor.IarrivedatthecornerofWashingtonandDoverStreets,onmyway
home,andlookedintoMr.Pastor'sshowydrugstoreasIpassed,andthatremindedmeofthehistory
ofmylatestfriendship.
Mycoughhadbeenprettybadkeptmeawakenights.Myvoicegaveoutfrequently.Theteachers
hadspokentomeseveraltimes,suggestingthatIoughttoseeadoctor.Ofcoursetheteachersdidnot
knowthatIcouldnotaffordadoctor,butIcouldgotothefreedispensary,andIdid.Theytoldmeto
comeagain,andagain,andIlostprecioushourssittinginthewaitingroom,watchingformyturn.I
wasexamined,thumped,studied,andsentoutwithprescriptionsandinnumerabledirections.Allthat
wassaidaboutfood,freshair,sunnyrooms,etc.,was,ofcourse,impossiblebutIwouldtrythe
medicine.Abottleofmedicinewasadefinitethingwithafixedprice.Youeithercouldorcouldnot
affordit,onagivenday.Onceyoubeganwithmilkandeggsandsuchthings,therewasnoendofit.
Youwerealwaysgoingroundthecornerformore,tillthegrocersaidhecouldgivenomorecredit.
Nothemedicinebottlewastheonlysafething.
Ihadtakenseveralbottles,andwastoldthatIwaslookingbetter,whenIwent,oneday,tohavemy
prescriptionrenewed.Itwasjustafterahardrain,andthepoolsonthebrokenpavementswerefullof
bluesky.Iwasdelightedwiththebeautifulreflectionstherewereeventhewhitecloudsmoving
acrosstheblue,there,atmyfeet,onthepavement!Iwalkedwithmyheaddownallthewaytothe
drugstore,whichwasallrightbutIshouldnothavedoneitgoingback,withthenewbottleof
medicineinmyhand.
Infrontofacigarstore,halfwaybetweenWashingtonStreetandHarrisonAvenue,stoodawooden
Indianwithapackageofwoodencigarsinhishand.Myeyesontheshiningrainpools,Iwalked
plumpintotheIndian,andthebottlewasknockedoutofmyhandandbrokewithacrash.
Iwashorrifiedatthecatastrophe.Themedicinecostfiftycents.Mymotherhadgivenmethelast
moneyinthehouse.Imustnotbewithoutmymedicinethedispensarydoctorwasveryemphatic
aboutthat.Itwouldbedreadfultogetsickandhavetostayoutofschool.Whatwastobedone?
Imadeupmymindinlessthanfiveminutes.IwentbacktothedrugstoreandaskedforMr.Pastor
himself.Heknewmeheoftensoldmepostagestamps,andjokedaboutmylargecorrespondence,
andheardagooddealaboutmyfriends.Hecameout,onthisoccasion,fromhislittleofficeinthe
backofthestoreandItoldhimofmyaccident,andthattherewasnomoremoneyathome,and
askedhimtogivemeanotherbottle,tobepaidforassoonaspossible.Myfatherhadajobasnight
watchmaninastore.Ishouldbeabletopayverysoon.
"Certainly,mydear,certainly,"saidMr.Pastor"verygladtoobligeyou.It'sdoingyougood,isn'tit?
That'sright.You'resuchastudiousyounglady,withallthosebooks,andsomanyletterstowrite
youneedsomethingtobuildyouup.Thereyouare.Oh,don'tmentionit!Anytimeatall.Andlook
outforwildIndians!"
Ofcourseweweregreatfriendsafterthat,andthisisthewaymytroublesoftenendedonDover
Street.TobumpintoawoodenIndianwastobumpintogoodluck,ahundredtimesaweek.No
wonderIwashappymostofthetime.
CHAPTERXVIII
THEBURNINGBUSH
JUSTwhenMrs.Hutchwasmostworriedabouttheerrorofmyways,Ienteredonanewchapterof
adventures,evenmoreremotefromthecashgirl'scareerthanLatinandgeometry.ButIoughtnotto
namesuchharshthingsaslandladiesattheopeningofthefairystoryofmygirlhood.Ihavereached
whatwasthesecondtransformationofmylife,astrulyasmycomingtoAmericawasthefirstgreat
transformation.
RobertLouisStevenson,inoneofhisdelightfulessays,creditstheloverwithafeelingofremorseand
shameatthecontemplationofthatpartofhislifewhichhelivedwithouthisbeloved,contentwithhis
barrenexistence.ItiswithjustsuchafeelingofremorsethatIlookbacktomybookwormdays,
beforeIbeganthestudyofnaturalhistoryoutdoorsandwithafeelingofshameakintothelover'sI
confesshowlateinmylifenaturetookthefirstplaceinmyaffections.
Thesubjectofnaturestudyisbetterdevelopedinthepublicschoolstodaythanitwasinmytime.I
remembermyteacherintheChelseagrammarschoolwhoencouragedustolookfordifferentkindsof
grassesintheemptylotsnearhome,andtobringtoschoolsamplesofthecerealswefoundinour
mothers'pantries.Ibroughtthegrassesandcereals,asIdideverythingtheteacherordered,butIwas
contentwhennaturestudywasoverandthearithmeticlessonbegan.Iwasnotinterested,andthe
teacherdidnotmakeitinteresting.
Intheboys'booksIwasfondofreadingIcameacrossallsortsofheroes,andIsympathizedwith
themall.Theboywhoranawaytoseatheboywhodelightedinthesocietyofranchmenand
cowboysthestagestruckboy,whoseambitionwastodriveapasteboardchariotinacircustheboy
whogaveuphisholidaysinordertoearnmoneyforbooksthebadboywhoplayedtricksonpeople
thecleverboywhoinventedamusingtoysforhisblindlittlesisteralltheseboysIadmired.Icould
putmyselfintheplaceofanyoneoftheseheroes,anddelightintheirdelights.Buttherewasonesort
ofheroInevercouldunderstand,andthatwastheboywhosefavoritereadingwasnaturalhistory,
whokeptanaquarium,collectedbeetles,andknewallaboutamanbythenameofAgassiz.Thisstyle
ofboyalwayshadaseafaringuncle,oramissionaryaunt,whosenthimallsortsofqueerthingsfrom
ChinaandtheSouthSeaIslandsandtheconversationbetweenthisboyandtheseafaringunclehome
onavisit,Iwasperfectlywillingtoskip.Theimpossibleherousuallykeptsnakesinaboxinthe
barn,wherehislittlesisterwasfondofplayingwithherlittlefriends.Thesnakesescapedatleastonce
beforetheendofthestoryandthethingstheboysaidtothefrightenedlittlegirls,abouttheharmless
andfascinatingqualitiesofsnakes,wassomethingIhadnopatiencetoread.
No,Ididnotcarefornaturalhistory.Iwouldreadabouttravels,aboutdeserts,andnamelessislands,
andstrangepeoplesbutsnakesandbirdsandmineralsandbutterfliesdidnotinterestmeintheleast.
IvisitedtheNaturalHistoryMuseumonceortwice,becauseitwasmywaytoentereveryopendoor,
soastomissnothingthatwasfreetothepublicbutthecuriousmonstersthatfilledtheglasscases
andadornedthewallsandceilingsfailedtostirmyimagination,andtheslimythingsthatfloatedin
glassvesselsweretoohorridforasecondglance.
OfallthehorridthingsthateverpassedundermyeyeswhenIliftedmynosefrommybook,spiders
weretheworst.Micewerebadenough,andsowerefliesandwormsandJunebugsbutspiderswere
absolutelythemostloathsomecreaturesIknew.Andyetitwasthespiderthatopenedmyeyestothe
wondersofnature,andtouchedmygirlishhappinesswiththehuesoftheinfinite.
AndithappenedatHaleHouse.
ItwasnotDr.Hale,thoughitmighthavebeen,whoshowedmethewaytothesettlementhouseon
GarlandStreetwhichbearshisname.HaleHouseissituatedinthemidstofthelabyrinthofnarrow
streetsandalleysthatconstitutestheslumofwhichHarrisonAvenueisthebackbone,andofwhich
DoverStreetisamember.
Bearinginmindthefactthattherearealmostnoplaygroundsinallthiscongesteddistrict,youwill
understandthatHaleHousehasplentyofworkonitshandstocarryalittlesunshineintothegrimy
tenementhomes.Thebeautifulstoryofhowthatisdonecannotbetoldhere,butwhatHaleHousedid
formeImaynotomittomention.
ItwasmybrotherJosephwhodiscoveredHaleHouse.Hestartedadebatingclub,andinvitedhis
chumstohelphimsettletheproblemsoftheRepubliconSundayafternoons.Theclubhelditsfirst
sessioninouremptyparloronDoverStreet,andtheUnitedStatesGovernmentwasinafairwaytobe
putonasoundbasisatlast,whenthenumerousbabiesbelongingtoourestablishmentbrokeupthe
meeting,leavingtheAdministrationinsuspenseastoitsfuturecourse.
ThenextmeetingwasheldinIsaacMalinsky'sparlor,andtheoratorswerebeginningtojumptotheir
feetandshaketheirfistsateachother,inexcellentparliamentaryform,whenMrs.Malinskysallied
in,tosmileattheboys'excitement.Butatthesightofsevenpairsofboys'bootsscufflingonher
cherishedparlorcarpet,thefringedcoverofthecentretablehangingbyonecorner,andtheplush
photographalbumunceremoniouslylaidaside,indignationtooktheplaceofgoodhumorinMrs.
Malinsky'samplebosom,andsheorderedtheboystoclearout,threatening"Ike"withdirevengeance
ifeveragainheventuredtoentertheparlorwithungentlepurpose.
OnthefollowingSundayHarryRubinsteinofferedtheclubthehospitalityofhisparlor,andthe
meetingbegansatisfactorily.ThesubjectonthetablewastheTariff,andtheprosandantiswere
aboutevenlydivided.Congressmightsafelyhavetakenanap,withtheHubDebatingClubtohandle
itsaffairs,ifHarryRubinstein'sbigbrotherJakehadnotinterfered.Hecameoutofthekitchen,where
hehadbeenstuffingthebabywithpeanuts,andstoodinthedoorwayoftheparlorandwinkedatthe
dignifiedchairman.Thechairmanturnedhisbackonhim,whereuponJakepeltedhimwithpeanut
shells.Hemockedthespeakers,andcalledthem"kids,"andwantedtoknowhowtheycouldtellthe
Tarifffromasunstroke,anyhow."We'vegottohavefreetrade,"hemocked."Pa,listentothekids!'In
theinterestsoftheAmericanlaborer.'Hooray!Listentothekids,pa!"
Fleshandbloodcouldnotbearthis.Thepoliticalreformersadjoinedindefinitely,andtheclubwasin
dangerofextinctionforwantofashelteringroof,whenoneofthemembersdiscoveredthatHale
House,onGarlandStreet,waswaitingtowelcometheclub.
Howthedebatingclubprosperedinthegenialatmosphereofthesettlementhousehowfromalittle
clubitgrewtobeabigclub,asthelittleboysbecameyoungmenhowJosephandIsaacandHarry
andtherestwonprizesinpublicdebateshowtheycametobeapartofthemultpleinfluenceforgood
thatissuesfromGarlandStreetallthisisapieceofthehistoryofHaleHouse,whosebusinessinthe
slumsistomouldtherestlesschildrenonthestreetcornersintonoblemenandwomen.Ibroughtthe
debatingclubintomystoryjusttoshowhownaturallythechildrenoftheslumsdrifttowardtheir
salvation,ifonlysomeislandofsafetyliesinthecourseoftheirinnocentactivities.Notachildinthe
slumsisborntobelost.Theyareallborntobesaved,andtheraftthatcarriesthemunharmedthrough
theperiloustorrentoftenementlifeisthechild'sunconsciousaspirationforthebest.Buttheremust
belighthousestoguidehimmidstream.
DorafollowedJosephtoHaleHouse,joiningaclubforlittlegirlswhichhassincebecomefamousin
theHaleHousedistrict.Theleaderofthisclub,underpretenceofteachinglittlegirlstheproperway
tosweepandmakebeds,artfullyteachesthemhowtobeautifyatenementhomebymeansofnoble
living.
JosephandDoraweresoenthusiasticaboutHaleHousethatIhadtogooverandseewhatitwasall
about.AndIfoundtheNaturalHistoryClub.
IdonotnowhowMrs.Black,whowasthentheresident,persuadedmetotrytheNaturalHistory
Club,inspiteofmyaversionforbugs.Isupposeshetriedmeinvariousgirls'clubs,andfoundthatI
didnotfit,anymorethanIfittedinthedancingclubthatIattemptedyearsbefore.Idaresayshe
decidedthatIwasanoldmaid,andurgedmetocometothemeetingsoftheNaturalHistoryClub,
whichwascomposedofadults.Themembersofthisclubwerenotpeoplefromtheneighborhood,I
understood,butworkersatHaleHouseandtheirfriendsandtheyoftenhademinentnaturalists,
travellers,andothernotableslecturebeforethem.Mycuriositytoseeareallivenaturalistprobably
inducedmetoacceptMrs.Black'sinvitationintheendforuptothattimeIhadnevermetanyone
whoenjoyedthecreepysocietyofsnakesandworms,exceptinbooks.
TheNaturalHistoryClubsatinaringaroundthereceptionroom,facingthebroaddoorwayofthe
adjoiningroom.Mrs.Blackintroducedme,andIsaid"Gladtomeetyou"allaroundthecircle,andsat
downinakindergartenchairbesidethepiano.ItwasFridayevening,andIhadthesenseofleisure
whichpervadestheschoolgirl'sconsciousnesswhenthereistobenoschoolonthemorrow.Iliked
thepleasantroom,pleasanterthananyathome.IlikedthefacesofthecompanyIwasin.Iwas
preparedtohaveanagreeableevening,evenifIwasalittlebored.
Thetall,leangentlemanwiththefrankblueeyesgotuptoreadtheminutesofthelastmeeting.Idid
notunderstandwhatheread,butInoticedthatitgavehimgreatsatisfaction.Thismanhadgreetedme
asifhehadbeenwaitingformycomingallhislife.WhatdidMrs.Blackcallhim?Helookedand
spokeasifhewashappytobealive.Ilikedhim.Oh,yes!thiswasMr.Winthrop.
Iletmythoughtswande,withmyeyes,allaroundthecircle,tryingtoreadthecharactersofmynew
friendsintheirfaces.Butsuddenlymyattentionwasarrestedbyaword.Mr.Winthrophadfinished
readingtheminutes,andwasintroducingthespeakeroftheevening."Weareveryfortunateinhaving
withusMr.Emerson,whomweallknowasanauthorityonspiders."
Spiders!Whathardluck!Mr.Winthroppronouncedtheword"spiders"withunmistakablerelish,asit
hedotedonthehorridcreaturesbutIMynervescontractedintoatightknot.Igrippedthearmsof
mylittlechair,determinednottorun,withallthosestrangerslookingon.IwatchedMr.Emerson,to
seewhenhewouldopenaboxofspiders.Irecalledahideousexperienceoflongago,when,putting
onadressthathadhungonthewallforweeks,Ifeltathingwithahundredlegscrawlingdownmy
barearm,andshookaspideroutofmysleeve.Iwatchedthelecturer,butIwasnotgoingtorun.It
wastoobadthatMrs.Blackhadnotwarnedme.
AfterawhileIrealizedthatthelecturerhadnomenagerieinhispockets.Hetalked,inafamiliarway,
aboutdifferentkindsofspidersandtheirwaysandashetalked,hewoveacrossthedoorway,where
hestood,agiganticspider'sweb,unwindingaballoftwineinhishand,andloopingvariouslengths
oninvisibletackshehadreadinginthedoorframe.
Iwasfascinatedbytheprogressoftheweb.IforgotmyterrorsIbegantofollowMr.Emerson's
discourse.Iwassurprisedtohearhowmuchtherewastoknowaboutadustylittlespider,besidesthat
hecouldspinhiswebsasfastasmybroomcouldsweepthemaway.Thedramaofthespider'sdaily
lifebecameveryrealtomeasthelecturerwenton.Hisstruggleforexistencehiswarswithhis
enemieshiswiles,histraps,hispatientlaborstheintricatesafeguardsofhissimpleexistencethe
fitnessofhisbodyforhissurroundings,ofhisinstinctsforhisvitalneedsthewholepictureofthe
spider'spursuitoflifeunderthedirectionofdefinitelawsfilledmewithagreatwonderandleftno
roominmymindforrepugnanceorfear.Itwasthefirsttimethenaturalhistoryofalivingcreature
hadbeenpresentedtomeundersuchcircumstancesthatIcouldnotavoidhearingandseeing,andI
wassurprisedatmydulnessinthepastwhenIhadrejectedbooksonnaturalhistory.
IdidnotbecomeanenthusiasticamateurnaturalistatonceIdidnotatoncebegintocollectworms
andbugs.ButonthenextsweepingdayIstoodonachair,craningmyneck,tostudythespiderwebs
IdiscoveredinthecornersoftheceilingandoneortwowebsofmorethanordinaryperfectionI
sufferedtoremainundisturbedforweeks,althoughitwasmyduty,asahousecleaner,tosweepthe
ceilingclean.Ibegantowatchforthemicethatwerewonttoscurryacrossthefloorwhenthehouse
sleptandIalonewaked.Ievenplacedacrustforthemonthethresholdofmyroom,andcultivateda
breathlessintimacywiththem,whenthelittlegraybeastsacknowledgedmyhospitalitybynibbling
mycrustinfullsight.AndsobydegreesIcametoabetterunderstandingofmyanimalneighborson
allsides,andIbegantolookforwardtothemeetingsoftheNaturalHistoryClub.
Theclubhadfrequentfieldexcursions,inadditiontotheregularmeetings.Attheseashore,inthe
woods,inthefieldsathighandlowtide,insummerandwinter,bysunlightandbymoonlight,the
marvellousstoryoforderlynaturewasrevealedtome,infragmentsthatalluredtheimaginationand
mademebegformore.Someofthemembersoftheclubwereschoolteachers,accustomedto
answeringquestions.Allofthemwerepatientsomeofthemtookspecialpainswithme.Butnobody
tookmeseriouslyasamemberoftheclub.Theycalledmetheclubmascot,andappointedmecurator
oftheclubmuseum,whichwasnotinexistence,atasalaryoftencentsayear,whichwasneverpaid.
AndIwaswellpleasedwithmyuniquepositionintheclub,delightedwithmynewfriends,
enrapturedwithmynewstudy.
THENATURALHISTORYCLUBHADFREQUENTFIELDEXCURSIONS
Moreandmore,astheseasonsrolledby,andpageafterpageofthebookofnaturewasturnedbefore
myeagereyes,didIfeelthewonderandthrilloftherevelationsofscience,tillallmythoughts
becamecoloredwiththetintsofinfinitetruths.Mydaysarrangedthemselvesaroundthemeetingsof
theclubasacentre.Thewholestructureofmylifewastransfiguredbymynovelexperiences
outdoors.Irealized,withashockatfirst,butafterwardswithcomplacency,thatbooksweretakinga
secondaryplaceinmylife,myirregularstudiesinnaturalhistoryholdingthefirstplace.Ibeganto
enjoytheNaturalHistoryroomsandIwasobligedtoadmittomyselfthatmyhearthungwithamore
thrillingsuspenseoverthefateofsomebeansIhadplantedinawindowboxthanoverthefortunesof
theclassicheroaboutwhomwewerereadingatschool.
Butforallmyenthusiasmaboutanimals,plants,androcks,forallmydevotiontotheNatural
HistoryClub,Ididnotbecomeathoroughnaturalist.Myscientificfriendswererightnottotakeme
seriously.Mr.Winthrop,inhisdelightfullyfrankway,calledmeafraudandIdidnotresentit.I
dippedintozology,botany,geology,ornithology,andaninfinitenumberofotherologies,asthe
activitiesofthecluborofparticularmembersofitgavemeopportunity,butImadenosystematic
studyofanybranchofscienceatleastnotuntilIwenttocollege.Forwhatenthralledmyimagination
inthewholesubjectofnaturalhistorywasnottheorderlyarrayoffacts,buttheglimpseIcaught,
throughthisorthatfragmentofscience,ofthegrandprinciplesunderlyingthefacts.Byasking
questions,bylisteningwhenmywisefriendstalked,byreading,byponderinganddreaming,Islowly
gatheredtogetherthekaleidoscopicbitsofthestupendouspanoramawhichispaintedintheliterature
ofDarwinism.EverythingIhadeverlearnedatschoolwasilluminedbythisnewknowledgethe
worldlaynewlymadeundermyeyes.Vastlyasmymindhadstretchedtoembracetheideaofagreat
country,whenIexchangedPolotzkforAmerica,itwasnosuchenlargementasInowexperienced,
wheninplaceofthemeasurableearth,withitspaltrytaleofhistoriccenturies,Iwasgiventhe
illimitableuniversetocontemplate,withthenumberlessonsofinfinitetime.
Asthemeaningofnaturewasdeepenedforme,sowasitsaspectbeautified.HithertoIhadlovedin
naturethespectacular,theblazingsunset,thewhirlingtempest,theflushofsummer,thesnow
wonderofwinter.Now,forthefirsttime,myheartwassatisfiedwiththemicroscopicperfectionofa
solitaryblossom.Theharmoniousmurmurofautumnwoodsbrokeupintoahundredseparate
melodies,asthepeltingacorns,thescurryingsquirrel,theinfrequentchirpofthelingeringcricket,
andthesoftspeedofripepineconesthroughdensegrownbranches,eachstruckitsdiscriminate
chordinthescentedair.Theoutdoorworldwasmagnifiedineverydimensioninanimatethingswere
vivifiedlivingthingsweredignified.
Notwopersonssetthesamevalueonanygiventhing,andsoitmayverywellbethatIamboasting
oftheenrichmentofmylifethroughthestudyofnaturalhistorytoearsthathearnot.Ineedonly
recallmyownobtusenesstothesubject,beforethestoryofthespidersharpenedmysenses,torealize
thattheseconfessionsofanaturelovermayboreeveryotherpersonwhoreadsthem.ButIdonot
pretendtobeconcernedaboutthereaderatthispoint.Ineverhopetoexplaintomyneighborthe
exactvalueofawintersunriseinmyspiritualeconomy,butIknowthatmylifehasgrownbetter
sinceIlearnedtodistinguishbetweenabutterflyandamoththatmyfaithinmanisthegreater
becauseIhavewatchedforthecomingofthesongsparrowinthespringandmythoughtsof
immortalityarethelesswaveringbecauseIhavecherishedthewinterchickweedonmylawn.
Thosewhofindtheirgreatestintellectualandemotionalsatisfactioninthestudyofnatureareaptto
refertheirspiritualproblemsalsotoscience.Thatishowitwentwithme.Longbeforemy
introductiontonaturalhistoryIhadrealized,withanuneasysenseofthebreakingofpeace,thatthe
questionswhichIthoughttohavebeensettledyearsbeforewerebeginningtoteasemeanew.In
RussiaIhadpractisedaprescribedreligion,withlittlefaithinwhatIprofessed,andarestless
questioningoftheuniverse.WhenIcametoAmericaIlightlydroppedthereligiousformsthatIhad
halfmockedbefore,andcontentedmyselfwithafewnovelphrasesemployedbymyfatherinhis
attempttoexplaintheriddleofexistence.Thebusyyearsflewby,whenfrommorningtonightIwas
preoccupiedwiththeprocessofbecominganAmericanandnoquestionaroseinmymindthatmy
booksormyteacherscouldnotfullyanswer.Thencameatimewhentheordinarybusinessofmy
girl'slifedischargeditselfautomatically,andIhadleisureoncemoretolookoverandaroundthings.
Thisperiodcoincidingwithmymoodyadolescence,Irapidlyentangledmyselfinanetofdoubtsand
questions,afterthewellknownmannerofagrowinggirl.Iaskedoncemore,HowdidIcometobe?
andIfoundthatIwasnowhitwiserthanpoorReb'Lebe,whomIhaddespisedforhisignorance.For
allmyyearsofAmericaandschooling,Icouldgivenobetteranswertomyclamoringquestionsthan
theteacherofmychildhood.Whencecamethefairworld?WasthereaGod,afterall?Andifso,what
didHeintendwhenHemademe?
Itwasalwaysmyway,ifIwantedanything,toturnmydailylifeintoapursuitofthatthing."Have
youseenthetreasureIseek?"IaskedofeverymanImet.AndifitwasGodthatIdesired,Imadeall
myfriendssearchtheirheartsforevidenceofHisbeing.IaskedallthewisepeopleIknewwhatthey
weregoingtodowiththemselvesafterdeathandifthewisefailedtosatisfyme,Iquestionedthe
simple,andlistenedtothebabiestalkingintheirsleep.
Stilltheimperativeclamorofmymindremainedunallayed.Wasallmylifetobeahungeranda
questioning?Icomplainedofmyteachers,whostuffedmyheadwithfactsandgavemysoulno
crumbtofeedon.Iblamedthestarsfortheirsilence.Isatupnightsbroodingovertheemptinessof
knowledge,andprayingforrevelations.
SometimesIlivedfordaysinachimeraofdoubts,feelingthatitwashardlyworthwhilelivingatall
ifIwasnevertoknowwhyIwasbornandwhyIcouldnotliveforever.Itwasinoneofthese
prolongedmoodsthatIheardthatafriendofmine,adistinguishedmanofletterswhomIgreatly
admired,wascomingtoBostonforashortvisit.AterrificNewEnglandblizzardarrivedsomehours
inadvanceofmyfriend'strain,butsointentwasIonquestioninghimthatIdisregardedtheweather,
andstruggledthroughtoweringsnowdrifts,intheteethofthewildwind,totherailroadstation.There
Inearlyperishedofwearinesswhilewaitingforthetrain,whichwasdelayedbythestorm.Butwhen
myfriendemergedfromoneofthesnowcrustedcarsIwasrewardedfortheblizzardhadkeptthe
reportersaway,andthegreatmancouldgivemehisundividedattention.
Nodoubtheunderstoodthepressingimportanceofthemattertome,fromthetroubleIhadtakento
secureanearlyinterviewwithhim.Heheardmeoutverysoberly,andansweredmyquestionsas
honestlyasathinkingmancould.Notawordofwhathesaidremainsinmymind,butIremember
goingawaywiththeimpressionthatitwaspossibletolivewithoutknowingeverything,afterall,and
thatImighteventrytobehappyinaworldfullofriddles.
InsuchwaysasthisIsoughtpeaceofmind,butIneverachievedmorethanabrieftruce.Iwas
comingtobelievethatonlythestupidcouldbehappy,andthatlifewasprettyhardonthe
philosophical,whenthegreatnewinterestofsciencecameintomylife,andscatteredmybluedevils
asthesunscattersthenightdamps.
SomeofmyfriendsintheNaturalHistoryClubweredeeplyversedintheprinciplesofevolutionary
science,andwereabletoguidemeinmyimpetuousrushtolearneverythinginaday.Iwasinahurry
todeduce,fromtheconglomerationofisolatedfactsthatIpickedupinthelectures,thefinalsolution
ofallmyproblems.Ittookbothpatienceandwisdomtocheckmeandatthesametimesatisfyme,I
havenodoubtbutthenIwasalwaysfortunateinmyfriends.Wisdomandpatienceinplentywere
spentonme,andIwasinstructedandinspiredandcomforted.Ofcoursemywisestteacherwasnot
abletotellmehowtheoriginalsparkoflifewaskindled,nortopointout,onthestarrymapof
heaven,myfutureabode.ThebreadofabsoluteknowledgeIdonothopetotasteinthislife.Butall
creationwasremodelledonagranderscalebytheutterancesofmyteachersandmyproblems,
thoughtheydeepenedwiththeexpansionofallnamablephenomena,werecarrieduptotheheightsof
theimpersonal,andceasedtotormentme.Seeinghowlifeanddeath,beginningandend,wereall
partsoftheprocessofbeing,itmatteredlessinwhatparticularrippleofthefluxofexistenceIfound
myself.Ifpasttimewasatroopingofsimilaryesterdays,backovertheunbrokenmillenniums,tothe
firstmoment,itwassimpletothinkoffuturetimeasatroopingofknowabletodays,onandon,to
infinity.Possibly,also,thesparkoflifethathadpersistedthroughthegeologicalages,underamillion
milliondisguises,wasvitalenoughtocontinueforanotherearthage,insomeshapeaspotentasthe
firstorlast.Thinkinginonsandinraces,insteadofinyearsandindividuals,somehowlightenedthe
burdenofintelligence,andfilledmeanewwithasenseofyouthandwellbeing,thatIhadalmostlost
inthepitofmynarrowpersonaldoubts.
Noonewhounderstandsthenatureofyouthwillbemisled,bythissummaryofmyintellectual
history,intothinkingthatIactuallyarrangedmynewlyacquiredscientificknowledgeintoanysuch
orderlyphilosophyas,forthesakeofclearness,Ihaveoutlinedabove.Ihadlongpassedmyteens,
andhadseensomethingoflifethatisnotrevealedtopoetizinggirls,beforeIcouldgiveanylogical
accountofwhatIreadinthebookofcosmogony.Butthehighpeaksofthepromisedlandof
evolutiondidflashonmyvisionintheearlierdays,andwiththesetoguidemeIrebuilttheworld,and
founditmuchnoblerthanithadeverbeenbefore,andtookgreatcomfortinit.
Ididnotbecomeafinishedphilosopherfromhearingacoupleofhundredlecturesonscientific
subjects.Ididnotevenbecomeafinishedwoman.Ifanything,Igrewrathermoregirlish.Iremember
myselfasverymerryinthemidstofmyseriousscientificfriends,andIcanthinkofnotimewhenI
wasmoreinclinedtoplaythetomboythanwhenoffforadayinthewoods,inquestofbotanicaland
zologicalspecimens.Thefreedomofoutdoors,thesocietyofcongenialfriends,thedelightofmy
occupationallactedasastrongwineonmymood,andsentmyspiritssoaringtoimmoderate
heights.IamverymuchafraidImademyselfanuisance,attimes,tosomeofthemoresedateofmy
grownupcompanions.IwishtheycouldknowthatIhavetrulyrepented.Iwishtheyhadknownat
thetimethatitwastheexuberanceofmyhappinessthatplayedtricks,andnowickeddesiretoannoy
kindfriends.ButIamsurethatthosewhowereoffendedhavelongsinceforgottenorforgiven,andI
needremembernothingofthosewonderfuldaysotherthanthatanewsunroseaboveanewearthfor
me,andthatmyhappinesswaslikeuntotheiridescentdews.
CHAPTERXIX
AKINGDOMINTHESLUMS
IDIDnotalwayswaitfortheNaturalHistoryClubtoguidemetodelectablelands.Someofthe
happiestdaysofthathappytimeIspentwithmysisterinEastBoston.Wehadamerrytimeatsupper,
Mosesmakingcleverjokes,withoutcrackingasmilehimselfandthebabyrompinginhishighchair,
eatingwhatwasn'tgoodforhim.Butthebestoftheeveningcamelater,whenfatherandbabyhad
gonetobed,andthedisheswereputaway,andtherewasnotacrumbleftontheredandwhite
checkedtablecloth.Friedatookouthersewing,andItookabookandthelampwasbetweenus,
shiningonthetable,onthelargebrownrosesonthewall,onthegreenandbrowndiamondsoftheoil
clothonthefloor,onthebaby'srattleonashelf,andontheshiningstoveinthecorner.Itwassucha
pleasantkitchensuchacosey,friendlyroomthatwhenFriedaandIwereleftaloneIwasperfectly
happyjusttositthere.Friedahadabeautifulparlor,withplushchairsandavelvetcarpetandgilt
pictureframesbutwepreferredthehomely,homelikekitchen.
IreadaloudfromLongfellow,orWhittier,orTennysonanditwasasgreatatreattomeasitwasto
Frieda.Herattentionalonewasinspiring.Herdelight,hereagerquestionsdoubledthemeaningofthe
linesIread.PoorFriedahadlittleenoughtimeforreading,unlessshestoleitfromthesewingorthe
bakingorthemending.Butshewashungryforbooks,andsogratefulwhenIcametoreadtoherthat
itmademeashamedtorememberallthebeautifulthingsIhadanddidnotsharewithher.
ItistrueIsharedwhatcouldbeshared.Ibroughtmyfriendstoher.Atherweddingweresomeofthe
friendsofwhomIwasmostproud.MissDillinghamcame,andMr.Hurdandthehumblerguests
staredinadmirationatourschoolteachersandeditors.ButIhadsomanydelightfulthingsthatI
couldnotbringtoFriedamywalks,mydreams,myadventuresofallsorts.AndyetwhenItoldher
aboutthem,Ifoundthatshepartookofeverything.Forshehadhertalentforvicariousenjoyment,by
meansofwhichsheenteredasanactorintomyadventures,waspresentasawitnessatthefrolicof
myyoungerlife.OrifInarratedthingsthatwerebeyondher,onaccountofhernarrowerexperience,
shelistenedwithaneagerlongingtounderstandthatwasbetterthansomepeople'seasy
comprehension.Myworldeverrangwithgoodtidings,andshewasgratefulifIbroughthertheecho
ofthem,toringagainwithinthefourwallsofthekitchenthatboundedherlife.AndI,wholivedon
theheights,andwalkedwiththelearned,andbathedinthecrystalfountainsofyouth,sometimes
climbedthesublimestpeakinmysister'shumblekitchen,therecaughttheunfalteringaccentsof
inspiration,andrejoicedinsilverpoolsofuntriedhappiness.
ThewayshereachedoutforeverythingfinewasshownbyherinterestintheincomprehensibleLatin
andFrenchbooksthatIbrought.ShelikedtohearmereadmyCicero,pleasedbythemovementof
thesonorousperiods.ItranslatedOvidandVirgilforherandherpleasureilluminatedthedifficult
passages,sothatIseldomneededtohaverecoursetothedictionary.IshallneverforgettheeveningI
readtoher,fromthe"neid,"thepassageinthefourthbookdescribingthedeathofDido.Ireadthe
Latinfirst,andthenmyownversioninEnglishhexameters,thatIhadpreparedforarecitationat
school.Friedaforgothersewinginherlap,andleanedforwardinraptattention.WhenIwasthrough,
thereweretearsofdelightinhereyesandIwassurprisedmyselfatthebeautyofthewordsIhadjust
pronounced.
IdonotdaretoconfesshowmuchofmyLatinIhaveforgotten,lestanyofthedevotedteacherswho
taughtmeshouldlearnthesadtruthbutIshallalwaysboastofsomeacquaintancewithVirgil,
throughthatscrapofthe"neid"madememorablebymysister'senjoymentofit.
Trulymyeducationwasnotentirelyinthehandsofpersonswhohadlicensestoteach.Mysister'sfat
babytaughtmethingsabouttheoriginandultimatedestinyofdimplesthatwerenotinanyofmy
schoolbooks.Mr.Casey,ofthesecondfloor,whowasdrunkwheneverhiswifewassober,gaveme
aninsightintothepsychologyofthebeermugthatwouldhaveaddedtothementalfurnitureofmy
mostscholarlyteacher.Theboldfacedgirlswhopassedtheeveningonthecorner,inpromiscuous
flirtationwiththecockeyedyouthsoftheneighborhood,unconsciouslyrevealedtometheeternal
secretsofadolescence.Myneighborofthethirdfloor,whosatonthecurbstonewiththescabbybaby
inherbedraggledlap,hadthingstosayaboutthefineladieswhocameincarriagestoinspectthe
publicbathhouseacrossthestreetthatoughttoberepeatedinthelecturehallsofeveryschoolof
philanthropy.InstructionpouredintomybrainatsucharatethatIcouldnotdigestitallatthetime
butinlateryears,whenmydestinyhadledmefarfromDoverStreet,theemphaticmoralofthose
lessonsbecameclear.ThememoryofmyexperienceonDoverstreetbecamethestrengthofmy
convictions,theilluminedindexofmypurpose,theaureolaofmyhappiness.AndifIpaidforthose
lessonswithdaysofprivationanddread,withnightsoftormentinganxiety,Icountthepricecheap.
Whowouldnotgotoalittletroubletofindoutwhatlifeismadeof?Lifeintheslumsspinsbusilyas
aschoolboy'stop,andonewhohashearditshummingneverforgets.Ilookforwardtotelling,whenI
gettobeamasteroflanguage,whatIreadinthecrookedcobblestoneswhenIrevisitedDoverStreet
theotherday.
DoverStreetwasneverreallymyresidenceatleast,notthewholeofit.Ithappenedtobethenook
wheremybedwasmade,butIinhabitedtheCityofBoston.Inthepearlmistymorning,intheruby
redevening,IwasempressofallIsurveyedfromtheroofofthetenementhouse.Icouldpointinany
directionandnameafriendwhowouldwelcomemethere.Offtowardsthenorthwest,inthedirection
ofHarvardBridge,whichsomedayIshouldcrossonmywaytoRadcliffeCollege,wasoneofmy
favoritepalaces,whitherIresortedeverydayafterschool.
Alow,widespreadingbuildingwithadignifiedgranitefrontitwas,flankedonallsidesbynobleold
churches,museums,andschoolhouses,harmoniouslydisposedaroundaspacioustriangle,called
CopleySquare.Twothoroughfaresthatcamestraightfromthegreensuburbssweptbymypalace,one
oneitherside,convergedattheapexofthetriangle,andpointedoff,pastthePublicGarden,across
thehistoricCommon,tothedomedStateHousesittingonaheight.
Itwasmyhabittogoveryslowlyupthelow,broadstepstothepalaceentrance,pleasingmyeyes
withthemajesticlinesofthebuilding,andlingeringtoreadagainthecarvedinscriptions:Public
LibraryBuiltbythePeopleFreetoAll.
DidInotsayitwasmypalace?Mine,becauseIwasacitizenmine,thoughIwasbornanalienmine,
thoughIlivedonDoverStreet.Mypalacemine!
Ilovedtoleanagainstapillarintheentrancehall,watchingthepeoplegoinandout.Groupsof
childrenhushedtheirchatterattheentrance,andskipped,whisperingandgigglingintheirfists,upthe
grandstairway,pattingthegreatstonelionsatthetop,withaneyeontheagedpolicemendown
below.Spectacledscholarscameslowlydownthestairs,loadedwithbooks,heedlessofthelofty
archesthatechoedtheirsteps.Visitorsfromoutoftownlingeredlongintheentrancehall,studying
theinscriptionsandsymbolsonthemarblefloor.AndIlovedtostandinthemidstofallthis,and
remindmyselfthatIwasthere,thatIhadarighttobethere,thatIwasathomethere.Alltheseeager
children,allthesefinebrowedwomen,allthesescholarsgoinghometowritelearnedbooksIand
theyhadthisgloriousthingincommon,thisnobletreasurehouseoflearning.Itwaswonderfultosay,
Thisismineitwasthrillingtosay,Thisisours.
Ivisitedeverypartofthebuildingthatwasopentothepublic.IspentrapthoursstudyingtheAbbey
pictures.IrepeatedtomyselflinesfromTennyson'spoembeforetheglowingscenesoftheHoly
Grail.Beforethe"Prophets"inthegalleryaboveIwasmute,butechoesoftheHebrewPsalmsIhad
longforgottenthrobbedsomewhereinthedepthsofmyconsciousness.TheChavannesseriesaround
themainstaircaseIdidnotenjoyforyears.Ithoughtthepictureslookedfaded,andtheirsymbolism
somehowfailedtomovemeatfirst.
BatesHallwastheplacewhereIspentmylongesthoursinthelibrary.Ichoseaseatfaratoneend,so
thatlookingupfrommybooksIwouldgetthefulleffectofthevastreadingroom.Ifeltthegrand
spacesunderthesoaringarchesasapersonalattributeofmybeing.
Thecourtyardwasmyskyroofedchamberofdreams.Slowlystrollingpasttheendlesspillarsofthe
colonnade,thefountainmurmuredinmyearofallthebeautifulthingsinallthebeautifulworld.I
imaginedthatIwasaGreekoftheclassicdays,treadingonsandalledfeetthroughtheglistening
marbleporticoesofAthens.Iexpectedtosee,ifIlookedovermyshoulder,abeardedphilosopherina
droopingmantle,surroundedbybeautifulyouthswithwreathedlocks.EverythingIreadinschool,in
LatinorGreek,everythinginmyhistorybooks,wasrealtomehere,inthiscourtyardsetaboutwith
statelycolumns.
HereiswhereIlikedtoremindmyselfofPolotzk,thebettertobringoutthewonderofmylife.ThatI
whowasbornintheprisonofthePaleshouldroamatwillinthelandoffreedomwasamarvelthatit
didmegoodtorealize.ThatIwhowasbroughtuptomyteensalmostwithoutabookshouldbeset
downinthemidstofallthebooksthateverwerewrittenwasamiracleasgreatasanyonrecord.That
anoutcastshouldbecomeaprivilegedcitizen,thatabeggarshoulddwellinapalacethiswasa
romancemorethrillingthanpoeteversung.SurelyIwasrockedinanenchantedcradle.
BATESHALL,WHEREISPENTMYLONGESTHOURSINTHELIBRARY
FromthePublicLibrarytotheStateHouseisonlyastep,andIfoundmywaytherewithoutaguide.
TheStateHousewasoneoftheplacesIcouldpointtoandsaythatIhadafriendtheretowelcome
me.Idonotmeantherepresentativeofmydistrict,thoughIhopehewasaworthyman.Myfriend
wasnolessamanthantheHonorableSenatorRoe,fromWorcester,whoseletterstome,written
undertheembossedletterheadoftheSenateChamber,IcouldnothelpexhibitingtoFlorence
Connolly.
HowdidIcomebyaSenator?ThroughbeingacitizenofBoston,ofcourse.Tobeacitizenofthe
smallestvillageintheUnitedStateswhichmaintainsafreeschoolandapubliclibraryistostandin
thepathofthesplendidprocessionsofopportunity.AndasBostonhasratherbetterschoolsanda
ratherfinerlibrarythansomeothervillages,itcomesnaturalthereforchildrenintheslumsto
summongentlemenfromtheStateHousetobetheirpersonalfriends.
Itissosimple,inBoston!Youareaschoolgirl,andyourteachergivesyouaticketfortheannual
historicallectureintheOldSouthChurch,onWashington'sBirthday.Youhearastirringdiscourseon
somesubjectinyourcountry'shistory,andyougohomewithaheartburstingwithpatriotism.Yousit
downandwritealettertothespeakerwhosomovedyou,tellinghimhowgladyouaretobean
American,explainingtohim,ifyouhappentobearecentlymadeAmerican,whyyouloveyour
adoptedcountrysomuchbetterthanyournativeland.Perhapsthepatrioticlecturerhappenstobea
Senator,andhereadsyourletterunderthevastdomeoftheStateHouseanditoccurstohimthathe
andhiseminentcolleaguesandthestatelycapitolandthegloriousflagthatfloatsaboveit,all
gatheredonthehillabovetheCommon,dohiscountrynogreaterhonorthantheoutspoken
admirationofanardentyoungalien.TheSenatorrepliestoyourletter,invitingyoutovisithimatthe
StateHouseandintherenownedchamberwheretheaugustbusinessoftheStateisconducted,you,
anobscurechildfromtheslums,andhe,achosenleaderofthepeople,sealademocraticfriendship
basedontheloveofacommonflag.
EvensimplerthantomeetaSenatorwasittobecomeacquaintedwithamanlikeEdwardEverett
Hale."TheGrandOldManofBoston,"thepeoplecalledhim,fromthemannerofhislifeamong
them.Hekeptopenhouseineverypublicbuildinginthecity.Wherevertwocitizensmettodevisea
measureforthepublicweal,hewasathird.Whereveraworthycauseneededachampion,Dr.Hale
liftedhismightyvoice.Atsometimeoranotherhiscolossalfiguretoweredaboveaneagermultitude
fromeverypulpitinthecity,fromeverylectureplatform.AndwhereisthemapofBostonthatgives
thenamesofthelostalleysandbackwayswherethegreatmanwentinsearchofthelameinbody,
whocouldnotjointhepublicassembly,inquestofthemaimedinspirit,whofearedtoshowtheir
facesintheopen?IfallthelittlechildrenwhohavesatonDr.Hale'skneewerestartedinaprocession
ontheStateHousesteps,standingfourabreast,therewouldbealaneofmerryfacesacrossthe
Common,outtothePublicLibrary,overHarvardBridge,andawaybeyondtoremotelandmarks.
ThatImetDr.Haleisnowonder.ItwasasinevitableasthatIshouldbeayearolderevery
twelvemonth.HewasapartofBoston,asthesaltwaveisapartofthesea.Icanhardlysaywhether
hecametomeorIcametohim.Wemet,andmyadoptedcountrytookmeclosertoherbreast.
AdayortwoafterourfirstmeetingIcalledonDr.Hale,athisinvitation.Itwasonlyeighto'clockin
themorning,youmaybesure,becausehehadrisenearlytoattendtoahundredgreataffairs,andI
hadrisenearlysoastotalkwithagreatmanbeforeIwenttoschool.Ithinkwelikedeachothera
littlethemoreforthefactthatwhensomanypeoplewerestillasleep,wewerealreadybusyinthe
interestsofcitizenshipandfriendship.Wecertainlylikedeachother.
IamsureIdidnotstaymorethanfifteenminutes,andallthatIrecallofourconversationwasthatDr.
HaleaskedmeagreatmanyquestionsaboutRussia,inamannerthatmademefeelthatIwasan
authorityonthesubjectandwithhisgreathandingoodbyehegavemeabitofhomelyadvice,
namely,thatIshouldneverstudybeforebreakfast!
Thatwasall,butfortherestofthedayImovedagainstabackgroundofgrandeur.Therewasanoble
ringtoVirgilthatdaythatevenmyteachersfirmtranslationhadneverbroughtoutbefore.Obscure
pointsinthehistorylessonwerecleartomealone,ofthethirtygirlsintheclass.Andithappenedthat
thetulipsinCopleySquareopenedthatday,andshoneinthesunlikelightedlamps.
AnyonecouldbehappyayearonDoverStreet,afterspendinghalfanhouronHighlandStreet.I
enjoyedsomanyhalfhoursinthegreatman'shousethatIdonotknowhowtoconveythesenseof
myrememberedhappiness.Myfriendusedtokeepmeinconversationafewminutes,inthefamous
studythatwasfittohavebeenpreservedasashrineafterwhichhesentmetoroamaboutthehouse,
andexplorehislibrary,andtakeawaywhatbooksIpleased.Whowouldfeelcrampedinatenement,
withsuchroyalprivilegesasthese?
OnceIbroughtDr.Haleapresent,acopyofastoryofminethathadbeenprintedinajournaland
fromhismannerofacceptingityoumighthavethoughtthatIwasaprincessdispensinggiftsfroma
throne.IwishIhadaskedhim,thatlasttimeItalkedwithhim,howitwasthathewhowassomodest
madethosewhowalkedwithhimsogreat.
Modestasthemanwasthehouseinwhichhelived.AgrayoldhouseofastylethatNewEnglandno
longerbuilds,withapillaredporchcurtainedbyvines,setbackintheyardbehindtheoldtrees.
Whatevercherishedflowersglowedinthegardenbehindthehouse,thecommondaisywas
encouragedtobloominfront.Andwastheresunorsnowontheground,themosttimidhandcould
openthegate,themosthumblevisitorwassureofawelcome.Outofthatmodesthousethetroubled
camecomforted,thefallencameuplifted,thenoblecameinspired.
MyexplorationsofDr.Hale'shousemightnothavebroughtmetothegables,butformyfriend's
daughter,theartist,whohadastudioatthetopofthehouse.SheaskedmeonedayifIwouldsitfora
portrait,andIconsentedwiththegreatestalacrity.Itwouldbeaninterestingexperience,and
interestingexperienceswerethebreadoflifetome.IagreedtocomeeverySaturdaymorning,and
feltthatsomethingwasgoingtohappentoDoverStreet.
THEFAMOUSSTUDY,THATWASFITTOHAVEBEENPRESERVEDASASHRINE
WhenIcamehomefrommytalkwithMissHale,Istudiedmyselflonginmyblotchedlookingglass.
IsawjustwhatIexpected.Myfacewastoothin,mynosetoolarge,mycomplexiontoodull.Myhair,
whichwascurlyenough,wastooshorttobedescribedasluxurioustressesandthecolorwasneither
brownnorblack.Myhandswereneitherwhitenorvelvetythefingersendeddecidedly,insteadof
taperingofflikerosydreams.Iwasdisgustedwithmywriststheyshowedtoofarbelowthetight
sleevesofmydressoftheyearbeforelast,andtheylookedconsumptive.
No,itwasnotformybeautythatMissHalewantedtopaintme.ItwasbecauseIwasagirl,aperson,
apieceofcreation.Iunderstoodperfectly.IfIcouldwriteaninterestingcompositionaboutabroom,
whyshouldnotanartistbeabletomakeaninterestingpictureofme?Ihaddoneitwiththebroom,
andthemilkwagon,andtherainspout.Itwasnotwhatathingwasthatmadeitinteresting,butwhatI
wasabletodrawoutofit.ItwasexcitingtospeculateastowhatMissHalewasgoingtodrawoutof
me.
Thefirstsittingwasindeedexciting.Therewashardlyanysittingtoit.Wedidnothingbutmove
aroundthestudio,andmovetheeaselaround,andtryoneversomanybackgrounds,andeverso
manyposes.Intheend,ofcourse,welefteverythingjustasithadbeenatthestart,becauseMissHale
hadhadtherightideafromthebeginningbutIunderstoodthatapreliminarytempestinthestudio
wastheproperwaytotestthatidea.
IwassurprisedtofindthatIshouldnotbeobligedtoholdmybreath,andshouldbeallowedtowink
allIwanted.Posingwasjustsittingwithmyhandsinmylap,andenjoyingthemostinteresting
conversationwiththeartist.Wehituponsuchoutofthewaytopicsonce,Iremember,wetalked
aboutthemarriagelawsofdifferentstates!Ihadaglorioustime,andIbelieveMissHaledidtoo.I
watchedtheprogressoftheportraitwithutterlackofcomprehension,andwithperfectfaithinthe
ultimateresult.ThemorningflewsofastthatIcouldhavesatrightonintotheafternoonwithout
tiring.
OnceortwiceIstayedtolunch,andsatoppositetheartist'smotherattable.Itwaslikesittingfaceto
facewithMarthaWashington,Ithought.Everythingwaswonderfulinthatwonderfuloldhouse.
OnethingdisturbedmyenjoymentofthoseSaturdaymornings.Itwasasmallthing,hardlyasbigasa
penwiper.ItwasasilvercoinwhichMissHalegavemeregularlywhenIwasgoing.Iknewthat
modelswerepaidforsitting,butIwasnotaprofessionalmodel.Whenpeoplesatfortheirportraits
theyusuallypaidtheartist,insteadoftheartistpayingthem.OfcourseIhadnotorderedthisportrait,
butIhadsuchagoodtimesittingthatitdidnotseemtomeIcouldbeearningmoney.Butwhat
troubledmewasnotthesuspicionthatIdidnotearnthemoney,butthatIdidnotknowwhatwasin
myfriend'smindwhenshegaveittome.WasitpossiblethatMissHalehadaskedmetositon
purposetobeabletopayme,sothatIcouldhelppaytherent?Everybodyknewabouttherentsooner
orlater,becauseIwasalwaysaskingmyfriendswhatagirlcoulddotomakethelandladyhappy.
VerypossiblyMissHalehadmylandladyinmindwhensheaskedmetopose.Imighthaveaskedher
Idearlylovedexplanations,whichcleareduphiddenmotivesbutheranswerwouldnothavemade
anyrealdifference.Ishouldhaveacceptedthemoneyjustthesame.MissHalewasnotastranger,
likeMr.Strongwhenheofferedmeaquarter.Sheknewme,shebelievedinmycause,andshe
wantedtocontributetoit.ThusI,inmyhairsplittinganalysesofpersonsandmotiveswhilethe
portraitwentsteadilyon.
ItwasMissHalewhofirstfoundauseforoursuperfluousbaby.ShecametoDoverStreetseveral
timestostudyourtinyCelia,inswaddlingclothesimprovisedbymymother,afterthefashionofthe
oldcountry.MissHalewantedababyforapictureoftheNativitywhichshewasdoingforher
father'schurchandofallthebabiesinBoston,ourCelia,ourlittleJewishCelia,wasposingforthe
ChristChild!ItdoesnotmatterinthisconnectionthattheInfantthatliesinthelanternlight,brooded
overbytheMother'sdivinesorrowoflove,inthebeautifulaltarpieceinDr.Hale'schurch,wasnot
actuallypaintedfrommymother'sbaby,intheend.Thepointisthatmymother,inlessthanhalfa
dozenyearsofAmerica,hadsofarshakenoffherancientsuperstitionsthatshefearednoevil
consequencefromlettingherchildposeforaChristianpicture.
AbusylifeIled,onDoverStreetahappy,busylife.WhenIwasnotrecitinglessons,norwriting
midnightpoetry,norsellingpapers,norposing,norstudyingsociology,norpicklingbugs,nor
interviewingstatesmen,norrunningawayfromhome,Imadelongentriesinmyjournal,orwrote
fortypageletterstomyfriends.ItwasahappythingthatpoorMrs.HutchdidnotknowwhatsumsI
spentforstationeryandpostagestamps.Shewouldhavegoneintoconsumption,Idobelieve,from
inexpressibleindignationandshewouldhavebeenintherighttobeindignant,nottogointo
consumption.Iadmititshewouldhavebeenjustifiedfromherpointofview.Frommypointof
viewIwasalsointherightofcourseIwas.Tomakefriendsamongthegreatwasanimportantpart
ofmyeducation,andwasnottobeaccomplishedwithoutaliberalexpenditureofpaperandpostage
stamps.IfMrs.Hutchhadnotrepulsedmyofferofconfidences,Icouldhaveshownherlongletters
writtentomebypeoplewhosemeresignaturewasprizedbyautographhunters.ItistruethatIcould
notturnthoselettersdirectlyintorentmoney,orifIcould,Iwouldnot,butindirectlymy
interestinglettersdidpayaweek'srentnowandthen.Throughtheinfluenceofmyfriendsmyfather
sometimesfoundworkthathecouldnothavegotinanyotherway.Thesepracticalresultsofmy
costlypursuitoffriendshipsmighthavegivenMrs.Hutchconfidenceinmyultimatesolvency,had
shenotremainedobstinatelydeaftomypleafortime,herheartbeingsetondirect,immediate,
convertiblecashpayment.
Thatwasverynarrowminded,eventhoughIsayitwhoshouldnot.ThegroceronHarrisonAvenue
whosuppliedourtablecouldhavetaughthertotakeamoreliberalview.Wewereallanxioustoteach
her,ifsheonlywouldhavelistened.Herewasthispoorgrocer,conductinghisbusinessonthesame
perilouscreditsystemwhichhaddrivenmyfatheroutofChelseaandWheelerStreet,supplyingus
withteaandsugarandstrongbutter,milkfreelysplashedfromrustycans,potentyeast,andbananas
donetoaturn,witheverything,inshort,thatkeepsapoorman'sfamilyheartyinspiteofwhatthey
eat,andallthisfortheconsiderationofpartpayment,withthefaintestprospectofafuture
settlementinfull.Mr.Rosenblumhadanintimateknowledgeofthefinancialsituationofeveryfamily
thattradedwithhim,fromthegossipofhiscustomersaroundhisherringbarrel.Heknewwithout
askingthatmyfatherhadnoregularemployment,andthat,consequently,itwasriskytogiveus
credit.Neverthelesshegaveuscreditbytheweek,bythemonth,acceptedpartialpaymentwith
thanks,andletthebalancestandbytheyear.
Weowedhimasmuchasthelandlady,Isuppose,everytimehebalancedouraccount.Buthenever
complainednay,heeveninsistedonmymother'stakingalmondsandraisinsforacakeforthe
holidays.Heknew,aswellasMrs.Hutch,thatmyfatherkeptadaughteratschoolwhowasofageto
beputtoworkbutsofarwashefromreproachinghimforitthathedetainedmyfatherbythehalf
hour,inquiringaboutmyprogressanddiscussingmyfuture.Heknewverywell,didthepoorgrocer,
whoitwasthatburnedsomuchoilinmyfamilybutwhenIcameintohavemykerosenecanfilled,
hedidnotfalluponmewithharshwordsofblame.Instead,hewantedtohearaboutmylatesttriumph
atschool,andaboutthegreatpeoplewhowrotemelettersandevencametoseemeandhecalledhis
wifefromthekitchenbehindthestoretocomeandhearofthesegranddoings.Mrs.Rosenblum,who
couldnotsignhername,cameoutinherfadedcalicowrapper,andstoodwithherhandsfoldedunder
herapron,shyandrespectfulbeforetheembryoscholarandshenoddedherheadsidewaysin
approval,drinkinginwithenviouspleasureherhusband'sYiddishversionofmytale.Ifherblack
eyedGoldiehappenedtobeplayingjackstonesonthecurb,Mrs.Rosenblumpulledherintothestore,
tohearwhatdistinctionMr.Antin'sdaughterhadwonatschool,biddinghertakeexamplefromMary,
ifshewouldalsogofarineducation.
"Hearyou,Goldie?Shehasthebestmarks,ineverything,Goldie,allthetime.Sheisonlyfiveyears
inthecountry,andshe'llbeincollegesoon.Shebeatsthemallinschool,Goldieherfathersaysshe
beatsthemall.Shestudiesallthetimeallnightandshewrites,itisapleasuretohear.Shewrites
inthepaper,Goldie.YououghttohearMr.Antinreadwhatshewritesinthepaper.Longpieces"
"Youdon'tunderstandwhathereads,ma,"GoldieinterruptsmischievouslyandIwanttolaugh,butI
refrain.Mr.RosenblumdoesnotfillmycanIamforcedtostandandhearmyselfeulogized.
"Notunderstand?OfcourseIdon'tunderstand.HowshouldIunderstand?Iwasnotsenttoschoolto
learn.OfcourseIdon'tunderstand.Butyoudon'tunderstand,Goldie,andthat'sashame.Ifyouwould
putyourmindonit,andstudyhard,likeMaryAntin,youwouldalsostandhigh,andyouwouldgoto
highschool,andbesomebody."
"Wouldyousendmetohighschool,pa?"Goldieasks,totesthermother'spromises."Wouldyou
really?"
"SureasIamaJew,"Mr.Rosenblumpromptlyreplies,alookofaspirationinhisdeepeyes."Only
showyourselfworthy,Goldie,andI'llkeepyouinschooltillyougettosomething.InAmerica
everybodycangettosomething,ifheonlywantsto.Iwouldevensendyoufartherthanhighschool
tobeateacher,maybe.Whynot?InAmericaeverythingispossible.Butyouhavetoworkhard,
Goldie,likeMaryAntinstudyhard,putyourmindonit."
"Oh,Iknowit,pa!"Goldieexclaims,hermomentaryenthusiasmextinguishedatthethoughtoflong
lessonsindefinitelyprolonged.Goldiewasarestlesslittlethingwhocouldnotsitlongoverher
geographybook.Shewriggledoutofhermother'sgraspnow,andmadeforthedoor,throwinga
"backhand"asshewent,withoutlosingasinglejackstone."Ihatelonglessons,"shesaid."WhenI
graduategrammarschoolnextyearI'mgoingtoworkinJordanMarsh'sbigstore,andgetthree
dollarsaweek,andhavelotsoffunwiththegirls.Ican'twritepiecesinthepaper,anyhow.Beckie!
BeckieHurvich!Whereyougoing?Waitaminute,I'llgoalong."Andshewasoff,leavingher
ambitiousparentstoshaketheirheadsoverherflightiness.
Mr.Rosenblumgavememyoil.Ifhehadhadpostagestampsinstock,hewouldhavegivenmeallI
needed,andfeltproudtothinkthathewasassistinginmyimportantcorrespondences.Andhewasa
poorman,andhadalargefamily,andmanycustomerswhopaidasirregularlyaswe.Herantherisk
ofruin,ofcourse,buthedidnotscoldnotus,atanyrate.Forheunderstood.Hewashimselfan
immigrantJewofthetypethatvalueseducation,andsetsagreatpriceonthehigherdevelopmentof
thechild.Hewouldhavedoneinmyfather'splacejustwhatmyfatherwasdoing:borrow,beg,go
without,runindebtanythingtosecureforapromisingchildthefulfilmentofthepromise.Thatis
whatAmericawasfor.Thelandofopportunityitwas,butopportunitiesmustbeused,mustbe
grasped,held,squeezeddry.Tokeepachildofworkingageinschoolwastoinvestthemeagre
presentforthesakeoftheopulentfuture.Iftherewasbutonechildinafamilyoftwelvewho
promisedtoachieveanintellectualcareer,theothereleven,andfather,andmother,andneighbors
mustdevotethemselvestotheonechild'swelfare,andfeedandclotheandcheeriton,andbe
rewardedintheendbyhearingitsnamementionedwiththenamesofthegreat.
SothepoorgrocerhelpedtokeepmeinschoolforIdonotknowhowmanyyears.Andthisisoneof
thethingsthatisdoneonHarrisonAvenue,bythepeoplewhopitchrubbishthroughtheirwindows.
LettheCityFathersstrikethebalance.
Ofcoursethisiswretchedeconomics.IfIhadasonwhowantedtogointothegrocerybusiness,I
shouldtakecarethathewaswellgroundedintheprinciplesofsoundbookkeepingandprudence.But
IshouldnotfailtotellhimthestoryoftheHarrisonAvenuegrocer,hopingthathewouldpuzzleout
themoral.
Mr.Rosenblumhimselfwouldbeastonishedtohearthatanyonewasdrawingmoralsfromhis
mannerofconductinghislittlestore,andyetitisfrommenlikehimthatIlearnthetruevaluesof
things.Thegrocerweighedmeoutaquarterofapoundofbutter,andwhenthescaleswereevenhe
threwinanotherscrap."Na!"hesaid,smilingacrossthecounter,"youcancarrythatmucharound
thecorner!"PlainlyhewasshowingmethatifIhavenotasmanyhousesasmyneighbor,thatshould
notpreventmefromcultivatingasmanygraces.IfImadesomeshamefacedreferencetotheunpaid
balance,Mr.Rosenblumreplied,"Iguessyou'renotthinkingofrunningawayfromBostonyet.You
haven'tfinishedturningthelibrariesinsideout,haveyou?"Inthiswayheremindedmethatthere
werethingsmoreimportantthanconventionalrespectability.Theworldbelongstothosewhocanuse
ittothebestadvantage,thegrocerseemedtoargueandIfoundthatIhadthecouragetotestthis
philosophy.
FrommylittleroomonDoverStreetIreachedoutfortheworld,andtheworldcametome.Through
books,throughtheconversationofnoblemenandwomen,throughcommunionwiththestarsinthe
depthofnight,Ienteredintoeverynoblechamberofthepalaceoflife.Iemployednocharmtowin
admittance.ThedoorsopenedtomebecauseIhadarighttobewithin.Mypatentofnobilitywasthe
longingfortheabundanceoflifewithwhichIwasendowedatbirthandfromthetimeIcouldtoddle
unaidedIhadbeengatheringintomyhandeverythingthatwasfineintheworldaroundme.Given
healthandstandingroom,Ishouldhaveworkedoutmysalvationevenonadesertisland.Beingset
downinthegardenofAmerica,whereopportunitywaitsonambition,Iwasboundtomakemydaysa
triumphalmarchtowardmygoal.Themostunfriendlywitnessofmylifewillnotventuretodenythat
Ihavebeensuccessful.Forasidefromsubordinatedesiresforgreatnessorwealthorspecific
achievement,mychiefambitioninlifehasbeentolive,andIhavelived.Aglowinglifehasbeen
mine,andthefiresthatblazedhighestinallmydayswerekindledonDoverStreet.
IhaveneverhadadullhourinmylifeIhaveneverhadaliveliertimethanintheslums.Inallmy
troublesIwasthrilledthroughandthroughwithapropheticsenseofhowtheyweretoend.Ahaloof
romancefloatedbeforeeverytomorrowthewingsoffutureadventuresrustledinthedeadofnight.
Nothingcouldbequitecommonthattouchedmylife,becauseIhadpowerforattractinguncommon
things.AndwhenmynoblestdreamsshallhavebeenrealizedIshallmeetwithnothingfiner,nothing
moreremotefromthecommonplace,thansomeofthethingsthatcameintomylifeonDoverStreet.
Friendscametomebearingnoblegiftsofservice,inspiration,andlove.Therecameone,totalkwith
whomwastodoublethevolumeoflife.SheleftrosesonmypillowwhenIlayill,andinmyheartshe
plantedalongingforgreatnessthatIhaveyettosatisfy.Anothercamewhosesoulwassteepedin
sunshine,whoseeyessawthrougheverypretence,whoselipsmockednothingholy.Andonecame
whocarriedthegoldenkeythatunlockedthelastsecretchamberoflifeforme.Friendscametrooping
fromeverywhere,andsomewerepoor,andsomewererich,butallweredevotedandtrueandthey
leftnonicheinmyheartunfilled,andnowantunsatisfied.
TobealiveinAmerica,Ifoundoutlongago,istorideonthecentralcurrentoftheriverofmodern
lifeandtohaveaconsciouspurposeistoholdtherudderthatsteerstheshipoffate.Iwasalivetomy
fingertips,backthereonDoverStreet,andallmygirlishpurposesservedonemainpurpose.Itwould
havebeenamazingifIhadstuckinthemireoftheslum.ByeverylawofmynatureIwasboundto
soaraboveit,toattainthefairerplacesthatwaitforeveryemancipatedimmigrant.
Acharacteristicthingabouttheaspiringimmigrantisthefactthatheisnotcontenttoprogressalone.
Solitarysuccessisimperfectsuccessinhiseyes.Hemusttakehisfamilywithhimasherises.So
whenIrefusedtobeadoptedbyaricholdman,andclungtomyfamilyintheslums,Iwasonly
followingtheruleandIcantellitwithoutboasting,becauseitisnomoretomycreditthanthatI
wakerefreshedafteranight'ssleep.
Thissuggeststomeasummaryofmyvirtues,throughtheexerciseofwhichImaybesaidtohave
attractedmygoodfortune.IfindthatIhavealwaysgivennatureachance,Ihaveusedmy
opportunities,andhavepractisedselfexpression.Somuchmyenemieswillgrantmemorethanthis
myfriendscannotclaimforme.
IntheDoverStreetdaysIdidnotphilosophizeaboutmyprivatecharacter,norabouttheimmigrant
andhisways.Ilivedthelife,andthemoraltookcareofitself.AndafterDoverStreetcameApplepie
Alley,LetterboxLane,andotherevilcornersoftheslumsofBoston,tillitmusthavelookedtoour
neighborsasifwemeanttogoonforeverexploringtheunderworld.Butwefoundashortcutwe
foundashortcut!Andtheroutewetookfromthetenementsofthestiflingalleystoadarlingcottage
ofourown,wherethesunshinesinateverywindow,andthegreengrassrunsuptoourvery
doorstep,wassurveyedbythePilgrimFathers,whotranscribedtheirfieldnotesonaveryfine
parchmentandcalledittheConstitutionoftheUnitedStates.
ItwasgoodtogetoutofDoverStreetitwasbetterforthegrowingchildren,betterformyweary
parents,betterforallofus,asthecleangrassisbetterthanthedustypavement.ButImustnever
forgetthatIcameawayfromDoverStreetwithmyhandsfullofriches.Imustnotfailtotestifythat
inAmericaachildoftheslumsownsthelandandallthatisgoodinit.AllthebeautifulthingsIsaw
belongedtome,ifIwantedtousethemallthebeautifulthingsIdesiredapproachedme.Ididnot
needtoseekmykingdom.Ihadonlytobeworthy,anditcametome,evenonDoverStreet.
Everythingthatwasevertohappentomeinthefuturehaditsgermorimpulseintheconditionsofmy
lifeonDoverStreet.Myfriendships,myadvantagesanddisadvantages,mygifts,myhabits,my
ambitionsthesewerethematerialsoutofwhichIbuiltmyafterlife,intheopenworkshopof
America.Mydaysintheslumswerepregnantwithpossibilitiesitonlyneededtheripenessofevents
tomakethemfruitforthinrealities.SteadilyasIworkedtowinAmerica,Americaadvancedtolieat
myfeet.Iwasanheir,onDoverStreet,awaitingmaturity.Iwasaprincesswaitingtobeledtothe
throne.
CHAPTERXX
THEHERITAGE
ONEoftheinherentdisadvantagesofprematurebiographyisthatitcannotgotothenaturalendof
thestory.Thisdifficultythreatenedmeinthebeginning,butnowIfindIdonotneedtotaxmy
judgmenttofixtheproperstoppingplace.Suddenqualmsofreluctancewarnmewherethepastand
presentmeet.Ihavereachedapointwheremyyesterdayslieinaquickheap,andIcannotbearto
prodandturnthemandsetthemuptobelookedat.Forthatmatter,IamnotsurethatIshouldadd
anythingreallynew,evenifIcouldforcemyselftocrossthelineofdiscretion.Ihavealreadyshown
whatarealthingisthisAmericanfreedomthatwetalkabout,andinwhatmanneracertainclassof
aliensmakeuseofit.AnythingthatImightaddofmylateradventureswouldbearepetition,in
substance,ofwhatIhavealreadydescribed.Havingtracedthewayanimmigrantchildmaytakefrom
theshipthroughthepublicschools,passedonfromhandtohandbythereadyteachersthroughfree
librariesandlecturehalls,inspiredbyeveryoccasionofcivicconsciousnessdraggingthroughthe
slumstheweightofprivatedisadvantage,butheartenedfortheeffortbypublicopportunity
welcomedatahundredopendoorsofinstruction,initiatedwithpompandsplendorandflags
unfurledseeking,inAmericanminds,theAmericanway,andfindingitinthethoughtsofthenoble,
strivingagainsttheoddsofforeignbirthandpoverty,andwinning,throughtheuseofabundant
opportunity,aplaceasenviableasthatofanynativechild,havingtracedthefootstepsoftheyoung
immigrantalmosttothecollegegate,therestofthecoursemaybelefttotheimagination.Letussay
thatfromtheLatinSchoolonIlivedverymuchasmyAmericanschoolmateslived,havingovercome
myforeignidiosyncrasies,andtherestofmyoutwardadventuresyoumayreadinanyvolumeof
Americanfemininestatistics.
ButlestIbereproachedforasuddenaffectationofreserve,afterhavingtrainedmyreadertoexpect
thefullestparticulars,Iamwillingtoaddafewdetails.Iwenttocollege,asIproposed,thoughnotto
Radcliffe.ReceivinganinvitationtoliveinNewYorkthatIdidnotliketorefuse,IwenttoBarnard
Collegeinstead.ThereItookallthehonorsthatIdeservedandifIdidnotlearntowritepoetry,asI
oncesupposedIshould,IlearnedatleasttothinkinEnglishwithoutanaccent.DidIgetrich?you
maywanttoknow,rememberingmyambitiontoprovideforthefamily.IcanreplythatIhaveearned
enoughtopayMrs.Hutchthearrears,andsatisfyallmywants.AndwherehaveIlivedsinceIleftthe
slums?Myfavoriteabodeisatentinthewilderness,whereIshallbehappytoserveyouacupoftea
outofatinkettle,andanswerfurtherquestions.
Andisthisreallytobethelastword?Yes,thoughalongchapteroftheromanceofDoverStreetis
leftuntold.Icouldfillanotherbookwithanecdotes,tellinghowItookpossessionofBeaconStreet,
andlearnedtodistinguishthelordofthemanorfromthebutlerinfulldress.Imighttracemysteps
frommybareroomoverlookingthelumberyardtothesatindrawingroomsoftheBackBay,whereI
drankafternoonteawithgentleladieswhosehandswereasdelicateastheirporcelaincups.My
journalofthosedaysisfullofcommentsonthecontrastsoflife,thatIcopiedfrommybusythoughts
intheevening,afteravisittomyaristocraticfriends.Comingstraightfromthecushionedrefinement
ofBeaconStreet,wherethemaidwhobroughtmyhostessherslippersspokeinsofteraccentsthanthe
finestpeopleonDoverStreet,IsometimesstumbledoverpoorMr.Caseylyingasleepinthecorridor
andtheshockofthecontrastwaslikeasearchlightturnedsuddenlyonmylife,andIponderedover
therevelation,andwrotetouchingpoems,inwhichIfiguredasaheroineoftwoworlds.
Imightquotefrommyjournalsandpoems,andbuildupthepictureofthatdoublelife.Imight
rehearsethenamesofthegraciousfriendswhoadmittedmetotheirtables,althoughIcamedirect
fromthereekingslums.Imightenumeratethepricelessgiftstheyshoweredonmegiftsboughtnot
withgoldbutwithlove.Itwouldbeapleasanttasktorecallthehighthingsthatpassedinthegilded
drawingroomsovertheafternoontea.Itwouldaddasplendortomysimplenarrativetoweaveinthe
portraitsofthedistinguishedmenandwomenwhobusiedthemselveswiththehumblefortunesofa
schoolgirl.Andfinally,itwouldrelievemyheartofaburdenofgratitudetopublish,onceforall,the
amountofmyindebtednesstothedevotedfriendswhotookmebythehandwhenIwalkedinthe
pathsofobscurity,andledme,byapleasanterlanethanIcouldhavefoundbymyself,totheopen
fieldswhereobstaclesthinnedandopportunitiescrowdedtomeetme.OutsideAmericaIshould
hardlybebelievedifItoldhowsimply,inmyexperience,DoverStreetmergedintotheBackBay.
ThesearematterstowhichIlongtotestify,butImustwaittilltheyrecedeintothepast.
Icanconjureupnobettersymbolofthegenuine,practicalequalityofallourcitizensthantheHale
HouseNaturalHistoryClub,whichplayedanimportantpartinmyfinalemancipationfromtheslums.
ForallIwasregardedasaplaythingbytheseriousmembersoftheclub,theattentionandkindness
theylavishedonmehadadeepsignificance.Everyoneofthoseearnestmenandwomen
unconsciouslytaughtmemyplaceintheCommonwealth,asthepotentialequalofthebestofthem.
Fewofmyfriendsintheclub,itistrue,couldhaverightlydefinedtheirbenevolencetowardme.
Perhapssomeofthemthoughttheybefriendedmeforcharity'ssake,becauseIwasastarvedwaif
fromtheslums.Someofthemimaginedtheyenjoyedmysociety,becauseIhadmuchtosayfor
myself,andagaymannerofmeetinglife.Butallthesewereonlysecondarymotives.Imyself,inmy
uncloudedperceptionofthetruerelationofthingsthatconcernedme,couldhavetoldthemallwhy
theyspenttheirfriendshiponme.TheymadewayformebecauseIwastheirfostersister.They
openedtheirhomestomethatImightlearnhowgoodAmericanslived.Intheleastoftheirattentions
tome,theycherishedthecitizeninthemaking.
TheNaturalHistoryClubhadspentthedayatNahant,studyingmarinelifeinthetidepools,
scramblingupanddownthecliffswithnothoughtfordecorum,bentonlyonsecuringthestarfish,
limpets,seaurchins,andothertrophiesofthechase.Therehadbeenamerryluncheonontherocks,
withtalkandlaughterbetweensandwiches,andstrangejokes,intelligibleonlytothepractising
naturalist.Thetidehadrushedinatitspropertime,stealingawayourseaweedcushions,drowning
ourtransparentpools,spoutinginthecrevicesboomingandhissing,andtossinghighthesnowyfoam.
THETIDEHADRUSHEDIN,STEALINGAWAYOURSEAWEEDCUSHIONS
Fromthedeckofthejollyexcursionsteamerwhichwascarryingushome,wehadwatchedtherosy
sundipdownbelowthesea.Themembersoftheclub,groupedintwosandthrees,discussedtheday's
successes,comparedspecimens,exchangedfieldnotes,orwatchedthewesternhorizonin
sympatheticsilence.
Ithadbeenagreatdayforme.Ihadseenadozennewformsoflife,hadcaughtahundredfragments
ofthesongofnaturebytheseaandmymindwasseethingwithmeaningsthatcrowdedin.Idonot
remembertowhichofmylearnedfriendsIaddressedmyquestionsonthisoccasion,buthesurely
wasoneofthemostlearned.Forhetookupallmyfragmentsofdawningknowledgeinhisdiscourse,
andweldedthemintoasolidstructureofwisdom,withwindowslookingfardownthepastanda
toweroverlookingthefuture.IwassoabsorbedinmyprivatereviewofcreationthatIhardlyrealized
whenwelanded,orhowwegotintotheelectriccars,tillwewereagoodwayintothecity.
AtthePublicLibraryIpartedfrommyfriends,andstoodonthebroadstonesteps,myjarof
specimensinmyhand,watchingthecarthatcarriedthemglideoutofsight.Myheartwasfullofa
stirringwonder.IwashardlyconsciousoftheplacewhereIstood,oroftheday,orthehour.Iwasin
adream,andthefamiliarworldaroundmewastransfigured.Myhairwasdampwithseaspraythe
roarofthetidewasstillinmyears.Mightythoughtssurgedthroughmydreams,andItrembledwith
understanding.
IsankdownonthegraniteledgebesidetheentrancetotheLibrary,andforameremomentIcovered
myeyeswithmyhand.InthatmomentIhadavisionofmyself,thehumancreature,emergingfrom
thedimplaceswherethetorchofhistoryhasneverbeen,creepingslowlyintothelightofcivilized
existence,pushingmoresteadilyforwardtothebroadplateauofmodernlife,andleaping,atlast,
strongandglad,totheintellectualsummitofthelatestcentury.
Whatanawfulstretchofyearstocontemplate!Whataweightypasttocarryinmemory!HowshallI
numberthedaysofmylife,exceptbythestarsofthenight,exceptbythesaltdropsofthesea?
Butharktotheclamorofthecityallabout!Thisismylatesthome,anditinvitesmetoagladnew
life.Theendlessageshaveindeedthrobbedthroughmyblood,butanewrhythmdancesinmyveins.
Myspiritisnottiedtothemonumentalpast,anymorethanmyfeetwereboundtomygrandfather's
housebelowthehill.Thepastwasonlymycradle,andnowitcannotholdme,becauseIamgrown
toobigjustasthelittlehouseinPolotzk,oncemyhome,hasnowbecomeatoyofmemory,asI
moveaboutatwillinthewidespacesofthissplendidpalace,whoseshadowcoversacres.No!itis
notIthatbelongtothepast,butthepastthatbelongstome.Americaistheyoungestofthenations,
andinheritsallthatwentbeforeinhistory.AndIamtheyoungestofAmerica'schildren,andintomy
handsisgivenallherpricelessheritage,tothelastwhitestarespiedthroughthetelescope,tothelast
greatthoughtofthephilosopher.Mineisthewholemajesticpast,andmineistheshiningfuture.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Tomymotherwhoboremetomyfatherwhoendowedmetomybrothersandsisters
whobelievedinmetomyfriendswholovedmetomyteacherswhoinspiredmetomy
neighborswhobefriendedmetomydaughterwhoenlargedmetomyhusbandwho
openedthedoorofthegreaterlifeformetoallthesewhohelpedtomakethisbook,I
givemythanks.
GLOSSARY
KEYTOPRONUNCIATION
aasinman uasincircus
""far ""mute
e""met ""pull
""meet ai""aisle
"longeinGermanLeder oi""joint
i"inpin ch""Germanach,Scotchloch
""file h""""""
o""not l""failure
""note ""caon
""GermanKnig zh"zinseizure
Explanations
TheabbreviationsGerm.(=German),Hebr.(=Hebrew),Russ.(=Russian),andYid.(=Yiddish)
indicatetheoriginofaword.MostofthenamesmarkedYiddisharesuchinformonly,therootsbeing
forthemostpartHebrew.
Prop.n.=propername.
TheendingskeandleofYiddishpropernames(Mashke,Perele)haveadiminutiveorendearing
value,liketheGermanchen(Helenchen)
Doublenamesaregivenunderthefirstname.
ThereligiouscustomsdescribedprevailamongtheOrthodoxJewsofEuropeancountries.Inthe
UnitedStatestheyhavebeenconsiderablymodified,especiallyamongtheReformedJews.
Ab(b),Hebr.ThefifthmonthoftheHebrewcalendar.TheninthofAbisadayoffastingand
mourning,incommemorationofthedestructionofJerusalemandthetemple.
Adonai(donai'),Hebr.AnapellationofGod.
Aleph('lef),Hebr.ThefirstletteroftheHebrewalphabet.
Atonement,Dayof(Hebrew,YomKippur).ThemostsolemnoftheHebrewfestivals,observedby
fastingandanelaborateceremonial.
Bahur(b'hur),Hebr.Ayoungunmarriedman,particularlyastudentoftheTalmud.(SeeYeshibah
bahur.)
Berl(berl),Yid.Prop.n.
Cabala(kb'l),Hebr.AsystemofHebrewmysticphilosophywhichflourishedintheMiddle
Ages.
CandlePrayer(Yiddish,lichtbentschen).Prayerpronouncedoverlightedcandlesbythewomen
andoldergirlsofthehouseholdatthecommencementoftheSabbath.
Canopy,wedding(Hebrewhuppah).Aportablecanopyunderwhichthemarriageceremonyis
performed,usuallyoutdoors.
Cossaks(kos'aks),Russ.AnamegiventocertainRussiantribes,formerlydistinguishedfortheir
freebootinghabits,nowbestknownfortheirpositioninthearmy.
Dayyan(dai'an),Hebr.Ajudgetowhomaresubmittedcivildisputes,asdistinguishedfrompurely
religiousquestions,whicharedecidedbytheRav.
Dinke(din'ke),Yid.Prop.n.
Dvina(dv'n),Russ.Nameofariver.
Dvornik(dvor'nik),Russ.Anoutdoormanachoreman.
Dvoshe(dvo'she),Yid.Prop.n.
Earlocks(Hebrewpeath).Twolocksofhairallowedtogrowlongandhanginfrontoftheears.
AmongthefanaticalHasidim,amarkofpiety.
Eidtkuhnen(eitkoo'en),Germ.NameofaRussoGermanfrontiertown.
Fetchke(ftch'ke),Yid.Prop.n.
Fringes,sacred(Hebrewzizit).Speciallypreparedfringesfastenedtothefourcornersofthearba
kanfot(literally,"fourcorners"),agarmentwornbyallpiousmalesunderneaththejacketorfrock
coat,usuallywiththefringesshowing.Thelatterplayapartinthedailyritual.
Goluth(gol'ut),Hebr.Banishmentexile.
GoodJew(Yiddishguterid).AmongtheHasidim,atitlepopularlyaccordedtomoreorlesslearned
individualsdistinguishedfortheirpiety,andcreditedwithsupernaturalpowersofhealing,divination,
etc.Pilgrimagestosomerenowned"GoodJew"wereoftenundertakenbytheverypious,on
occasionsofperplexityortrouble,forthepurposeofobtaininghisadviceorhelp.
Groschen(gro'shen),Germ.Apopularnameforvariouscoinsofsmalldenomination,especiallythe
halfkopeck.
Gutke(gut'ke),Yid.Prop.n.
HannahHayye(hn'ahai'e),Hebr.Prop.n.
Hasid,pl.Hasidim(hs'id,hasid'im),Hebr.AnumeroussectofJewsdistinguishedfortheir
enthusiasminreligiousobservance,afanaticalworshipoftheirrabbisandmanysuperstitious
practices.
HavehMirel(ha'vemirl),Hebr.andYid.Prop.n.
HayyeDvoshe(hai'edvo'she),Hebr.andYid.Prop.n.
Hayyim(hai'im),Hebr.Prop.n.
Hazzan(hzan),Hebr.Cantorinasynagogue.
Heder(h'der),Hebr.ElementaryHebrewschool,usuallyheldattheteacher'sresidence.
HenneRsel(he'erzl),Hebr.Prop.n.
Hirshel(hir'shl),Yid.Prop.n.
Hode(ho'de),Yid.Prop.n.
Horn,ram's(Hebrewshofar).Ritualhorn,usedinthesynagogueduringthegreatfestivals.
Hossen(ho'ssn),Hebr.Bridegroomprospectivebridegroombetrothed.
Humesh(h'mesh),Hebr.ThePentateuch.
Icon('kon),Russ.ArepresentationofChristorsomesaint,usuallyinanelaborateframe,foundin
everyorthodoxRussianhome.
Itke(it'ke),Yid.Prop.n.
Jew,GoodSeeunderGood.
Kibart(kibrt'),Russ.Nameofatown.
Kiddush(kid'ush),Hebr.BenedictionpronouncedoveracupofwinebeforetheSabbathevening
meal.
Kimanye(kim'e),Russ.Nameofavillage.
Kimanyer(kim'er),Yid.BelongingtoorhailingfromthevillageofKimanye.
Knupf(knpf),Yid.Asortofturban.
Kopeck(ko'pek),Russ.Acoppercoin,the1/100partofaruble,worthabouthalfacent.
Kopistch(ko'pistch),Russ.Nameofatown.
Kosher(ko'sher),Hebr.Clean,accordingtoJewishrituallawopposedtotref,unclean.Applied
chieflytoarticlesofdietandcookingandeatingvessels.
Lamden(lm'den),Hebr.ScholaroneversedinHebrewlearning.
Law,the(specificallyused).TheMosaicLawtheTorah.
Lebe(l'be),Yid.Prop.n.
Loaf,Sabbath.SeeunderSabbath.
Lozhe(lo'zhe),Yid.Prop.n.
Lubavitch(lbv'itch),Russ.Nameofatown.
Maryashe(mry'she),Yid.Prop.n.
Mashinke(mshin'ke),Yid.AdiminutiveofMashke.
Mashke(msh'ke),Yid.Prop.n.
Mendele(men'dele),Yid.Prop.n.
Mezuzah(mez'z),Hebr.ApieceofparchmentinscribedwithapassageofScripture,rolledina
caseandtackedtothedoorpost.Thepioustouchorkissthiswhenleavingorenteringahouse.
Mikweh(mik'we),Hebr.Ritualbath,constructedandusedaccordingtominutedirections.
Mirele(mir'ele),Yid.Prop.n.
Mishka(mish'k),Russ.Prop.n.
Moon,blessingof.Benedictionpronouncedattheappearanceofthenewmoon.
Moshe(mo'she),Yid.Prop.n.,aformofMoses.
Mshele(mo'shele),Yid.Prop.n.,diminutiveofMoshe.
Mulke(ml'ke),Yid.Prop.n.,diminutiveofMulye.
Mulye(ml'e),Yid.Prop.n.
Na!(n),Yid.Hereyouare!Takeit!
Nohem(no'hem,),Hebr.Prop.n.
Nu,nu!(nn),Yid.Well,well.
Oi,weh!(oiv),Yid.Woeisme!
Oven,sealingof.AsnofireiskindledontheSabbath,theSabbathdinneriscookedonFriday
afternoonandleftinthebrickovenovernight.Theovenistightlyclosedwithaboardorsheetof
metal,wetragsbeingstuffedintotheinterstices.
Passover(Hebrewpesech.).ThefeastofUnleavenedBread.commemoratingtheescapeofthe
IsraelitesfromEgypt.
Passport,foreign.AspecialpassportrequiredofanyRussiansubjectwishingtogotoaforeign
country.Toavoidthenecessitofprocuringsuchapassport,travellersoftencrosstheborderby
stealth.
Perele(per'ele),Yid.Prop.n.
Phylacteries(filak'terisHebrewtefillin).Twosmallleathernboxescontainingparchments
inscribedwithcertainpassagesofScripture,wornduringmorningprayer,oneontheforeheadand
oneontheleftarm,wheretheyarefastenedbymeansofstraps,inamannercarefullyprescribed.The
wearingofthetefillinisobligatoryonallmalesoverthirteenyearsofage(theageofconfirmation).
Pinchus(pin'chus),Hebr.Prop.n.
Pogrom(pogrom'),Russ.AnorganizedmassacreofJews.
Poll(pol),Yid.Aseriesofstepsinthebathingroom,wherecupping,etc.,isdoneunderahigh
temperature.
Polota(Polot'),Russ.Nameofariver.
Polotzk(po'lotzk),Russ.alsospelledPolotsk.AtowninthegovernmentofVitebsk,Russia,since
earlytimesastrongholdofJewishorthodoxy.N.B.PolotzkmustnotbeconfusedwithPlotzk(also
spelledPlock),thecapitalofthegovernmentofPlotzk,inRussianPoland,about400milessouthwest
ofPolotzk.
PrayingShawl(Hebrew,tallit).Afinewhitewoollenshawlwithsacredfringes(zizit),inthefour
corners,wornbymalesaftermarriage,duringcertaindevotionalexercises.
Purim(p'rim),Hebr.AfeastincommemorationofthedeliveranceofthePersianJews,throughthe
interventionofEsther,fromthemassacreplannedbyHaman.Masquerading,feasting,exchangeof
presents,andgenerallicensemakethiscelebrationthejolliestoftheJewishyear.
Questions,theFour.AtthePassoverFeast,theyoungestson(or,intheabsenceofasonofsuitable
age,adaughter)asksfourquestionsastothesignificanceofvarioussymbolicarticlesusedinthe
ceremonial,inreplytowhichthefamilyreadthestoryofExodus.
Rabbi(rab'),Hebr.Atitleaccordedtomendistinguishedforlearningandauthorizedtoteachthe
law.Asusedinthepresentwork,rabbiisidenticalwiththeofficialtitleofrav,whichsee.
Rabbonim(rbon'im),Hebr.Pluraofrabbi.
Rav(rv),Hebr.ThespiritualheadofaJewishcommunity,whosedutiesincludethesettlementof
ritualisticquestions.
Reb'(reb),Yid.Anabbreviationofrebbe,usedasatitleofrespect,equivalenttotheoldfashioned
English"master."
Rebbe(reb'e),Yid.Colloquialformofrabbi.AHebrewteacher.Appliedusuallytoteachersoflesser
rankalsousedasatitlefora"GoodJew"as,theRebbeofKopistch.
Rebbetzin(reb'etzin),Yid.FemaleHebrewteacher.
Riga(ri'g),Russ.Nameofacity.
Ruble(r'bl),Russ.ThemonetaryunitofRussia.Asilvercoin(or,morecommonly,apaperbill)
worthalittleoverfiftycents.
SabbathLoaf(Hebrew,hallah).AwheatenloafofpeculiarshapeusedintheSabbathceremonial.
SacredFringes.SeeunderFringes.
Shadchan(shd'chan),Hebr.Professionalmatchmakermarriagebroker.
Shawl,PrayingSeeunderPraying.
Shema(shm),Hebr.TheverserecitedastheJewishconfessionoffaith("Hear,OIsrael,theLord
ourGod,theLordisOne")socalledfromtheinitialword.The"Shema"recursconstantlyinthedaily
ritual,andisinformallyrepeatedoneveryoccasionofdistress,orasacharmtowardoffevil
influences.
Shohat(sho'hat),Hebr.Slaughtererofcattleaccordingtorituallaw.
Succoth(s'kot),Hebr.ThefeastofTabernacles,celebratedwithmanysymbolicrites,amongthese
beingtheeatingofthefestivemealsoutdoors,inaboothorboweroflatticeworkcoveredwith
evergreens.
Talakno(tlkno'),Russ.Mealmadeofgroundoats,oftenmixedwithothergrainsorwithweeds.
Animportantarticleofdietamongthepeasants,generallymoistenedwithcoldwaterandeatenraw.
Talmudists(tal'mdistsfromHebrewtalmud).ThecompilersoftheTalmud(thebodyofJewish
traditionallore)scholarsversedintheteachingsoftheTalmud.
Tav(tv),Hebr.ThelastletteroftheHebrewalphabet.
Torah(t'r),Hebr.TheMosaicLawthebookorscrolloftheLawsacredlearning.
Trefah(trf'a),Hebr.Unclean,accordingtorituallawopposedtokosher,clean.Chieflyappliedto
articlesoffoodandeatingandcookingvessels.
Versbolovo(versbolo'v),Russ.Nameofatown.
Verst(vyerst),Russ.Ameasureoflength,abouttwothirdsofanEnglishmile.
Vilna(vil'n),Russ.Nameofacity.
Vitebsk(vi'tebsk),Russ.Nameofacity.
Vodka(vod'k),Russ.Akindofwhiskydistilledfrombarleyorfrompotatoes,constantlyindulged
inbythelowerclassesinRussia,especiallybythepeasants.
WeddingCanopy.SeeunderCanopy.
Yachne(Ych'ne),Yid.Prop.n.
Yakub(ykb'),Russ.Prop.n.
Yankel(yn'kl),Yid.Prop.n.
Yeshibah(yeshib'),Hebr.Rabbinicalschoolorseminary.
Bachur,astudentinayeshibah.
Yiddish(yid'ish),Yid.JudeoGerman,thelanguageoftheJewsofEasternEurope.Thebasisisan
archaicformofGerman,onwhicharegraftedmanywordsofHebreworigin,andwordsfromthe
vernacularofthecountry.
Yochem(yo'chem),Yid.Prop.n.
Yuchovitch(ychovitch'),Russ.Nameofavillage.
Zaddik(tz'dik),Hebr.Amanofpietyaholyman.
Zalmen(zl'men),Yid.Prop.n.
Zimbler(tzim'bler),Yid.Aperformeronthezimble,aninstrumentconstructedlikeawoodentray,
withseveralwiresstretchedacrosslengthwise,andplayedbymeansoftwoshortrods.
TheRiversidePress
CAMBRIDGE.MASSACHUSETTS
U.S.A
Notes:
[Page28]
1Afourcorneredclothwithspeciallypreparedfringesiswornbypiousmalesunderthe
outergarments,butwiththefringesshowing.Thelatterplayapartinthedailyritual.
[Page115]
1ApieceofparchmentinscribedwithapassageofScripture,rolledinacaseandtacked
tothedoorpost.Thepioustouchorkissthiswhenleavingorenteringahouse.
ThisbookhasbeenputonlineaspartoftheBUILDABOOKInitiativeattheCelebrationofWomen
Writersthroughthecombinedworkof:AdrienneFermoyle,AnneKosvanec,ArizonaHenze,Barbara
Cullimore,CarmenBaxter,JanineKirker,JennyPlesums,JessieHudgins,JudithFetterolf,Kellyand
MarlettHurt,LucyO'Dell,MaryNuzzo,MeganHutchinson,NikkiGlover,SallyDrake,SumiLee,
TamithaCarpenter,andMaryMarkOckerbloom.
Thisonlineeditionhasbeenmadepossiblebyagiftfromdonor
JessieHudgins.
ItisdedicatedbyJessieHudgins:
"Withalittleloveandalittlework...formygrandchildren."

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