5 things to say instead of

'sorry'
Tory Paez, Catalyst
Apr. 27, 2015, 11:36 AM
363,672

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Flickr/ITU Pictures

I recently came across a Pantene ad that went viral in June.

Besides highlighting the flawless and beautiful hair of the actresses, it

features multiple situations where women unnecessarily say sorry
a verbal tic that, for many women, has become entrenched in everyday
conversation.

In scene after scene of the ad, women are shown apologizing for a series
of silly reasons.

It becomes clear the women should not be remorseful. Yet as I was

watching, I had this horrifying epiphany I do this. I do this all the
time. I did this today.

So heres a quick list of some common reasons women are quick to say
sorry and five things we could be saying instead!

1. To demonstrate compassion and empathy.

Many people, not just women, use sorry as shorthand for sympathy.
While its both virtuous and smart to express compassion for your
coworkers, apologizing for the random happenings of the universe is
unnecessary and avoidable.

There are other ways to demonstrate understanding and to establish

trusting relationships with colleagues. Arguably, this is one of the easiest
ways to remove sorry from our vocabulary, because there are so many
great alternatives!

Instead of: Im sorry you were late because of terrible New York City
traffic.

Try: How frustrating that you were late because of that awful traffic.

2. To fill air.
Just like words such as um, uh, and like, sorry can fill empty
conversational space. It might be because we are nervous or just
babbling while our mouths catch up with our brains. Either way, in these
cases, sorry loses its meaning entirely.

Instead of: We need to sorry ... first, get the correct data from
Finance.
Try: We need to < Pause | Silence >, first, get the correct data from
Finance.

3. To interrupt.
Most girls are raised to be unfailingly polite at all times, especially at
work. For this substitute to work, it is crucial to know your environment.

Depending on the organizational culture, the type of meeting youre in,

and the other individuals present, interrupting with an apology can lower
your status, especially when others arent doing the same. Listen to how
your coworkers preface their contributions in meetings and avoid
saying sorry unless they do.

Instead of: Im sorry to interrupt

Try: Let me say/ask this... OR Great points, I would like to add

Instead of: Sorry, do you have a minute?

Try: Excuse/Pardon me

4. To keep the peace.

Most women are also taught from an early age to be warm, nurturing,
and agreeable, and we sometimes use sorry simply to maintain social
harmony. Apologies are sometimes employed to help reset the
conversation after a confrontational, argumentative, or uncomfortable
moment. However, sorry also represents shame and regret and can
make you look weak.

Instead of: Im sorry, but I dont understand this strategy switch.

Try: I appreciate your work on this, but I dont understand the

reasoning behind this strategy switch.

Instead of: Im sorry if this is offensive

Try: What I am about to say might be controversial

5. To say, and actually mean, sorry.
There are plenty of times when its appropriate to apologize at work. The
key is not only to say sorry, but also to express why you are sorry. If
you are a chronic over-apologizer, I guarantee that training yourself to
include a reason will cut down on the number of times you apologize
unnecessarily. A sincere apology is more effective coupled with the
reason behind it.

Consider the Pantene video. The man in the video shows up late and the
two women scoot over to make room, apologizing repeatedly in the
process. If they explained WHY they were sorry, it would go something
like this: Im sorry that you were late to this meeting and I now need to
move over, so you can squeeze into the space I was previously
occupying. (See? Totally unnecessary!)

Especially at work, its smart to figure out when its appropriate to say
Im sorry and when you should say something else instead.

Tory Paez is an experienced consultant with West Monroe Partners and

is a member of the firms customer experience practice. She serves as
chair of the Womens Committee, as well as a member of West Monroes
Diversity & Inclusion initiative. She can be reached