EXPRESSING EMOTIONS CONGRUENTLY

Therapeutic Characteristics
Problems Addressed
Difficult family relationships

Being affected by others behavior

Lack of skills to manage difficult situations

Failure of current strategies

136 Healing Stories, Teaching Stories

Resources Developed
Learning to step aside from the emotional response

Looking at things more rationally

Experimenting to find what works

Learning to do something different

Being grateful

Outcomes Offered
Enhanced relationship skills

Better affect management

Rational thinking

Enjoyment of your successes

Raelene always seemed to be in trouble with her stepmother and, if she was in trouble with her
stepmother, it also meant she would be in trouble with her dad. As soon as her dad got home,
her stepmother would tell him all the things Raelene had done and hadnt done. To Raelene it
seemed like her stepmother was screaming all the timeand screaming specifically at Raelene.
She never did it to her own kids or when Raelenes dad was around.
Raelene couldnt bear it. She tried to keep to herself and out of her stepmothers way. At times
she shut herself in her room but her stepmother would follow her in, still shouting at her to do
things.
She hated being shouted at and, trying to avoid it, she always ended up in trouble.
You see, there was something that Raelene didnt know. I guess she was young and sometimes
you dont always know these things when you are young. All she knew was that when her
stepmother
screamed at her she would end up in trouble.
One day, when her stepmother had been screaming, Raelene went outside to get away from it
all. Her pet dog, Crystal, came running up to her, tail wagging and tongue lolling out of her
mouth,
but Raelene had had enough and screamed at Crystal. Crystal dropped her tail between her
legs and
turned around to run off, looking for a place to hidesort of like Raelene did when her
stepmother
screamed at her. Now, Raelene was a smart kid and she noticed what went on around her,
even if she
didnt always understand. She saw how Crystal had run away when she screamed. She thought
how
it was like what she did when her stepmother screamed at her.
At school, Raelene was studying science and had learned about experiments, so she decided to
carry out an experiment with Crystal. She sat down on the ground, closer to Crystals height
where
she could see Crystals nose and eyes peeping around the corner of the house from where
shed retreated.
Raelene began to talk to Crystal in a soft, gentle voice. This was the experiment. What she
said and how she said it was different. Her words said Crystal was a naughty dog for running
away and
hiding. However, she said it in a gentle, loving, and caring voice. Soon Crystal popped out from
around the corner and came back with her tail wagging, tongue lolling, and her whole body
swaying
with excitement.
Raelene continued her experiment. She now told Crystal what a good dog she was and how
she
was the only person who seemed to understand Raelenebut how she did it was in a loud,
shouting
voice. Crystal again dropped her tail between her legs and ran around the corner.
MANAGING EMOTIONS
Managing Emotions 137
This is interesting, thought Raelene. She now used the same loving words in a gentle, loving
voice. Again Crystal emerged, tail wagging, tongue lolling, and rested her head on Raelenes
lap.
Now, Raelene was a good scientist. She continued to experiment with different things, making
her speech fast as though she sounded excited or slow like she was sad, loud like she was
angry or soft
as if it was soothing. Crystal responded to the sound of her voice, or how she said something,
rather
than the actual words, or what she said. As I said, Raelene was smart. She began to wonder if
this was
how she was responding to her stepmother. Was she recoiling from the screaming, like Crystal,
and
not hearing the actual words her stepmother was saying? If so, no wonder she was always
getting into
trouble.
After that Raelene began to experiment when her stepmother was screaming. It wasnt always
easy and she had to frequently remind herself: Listen to the words rather than the screaming;
hear
what she is saying rather than how she is saying it. In that way she could hear what was asked
of her
and do what was necessary to avoid getting into trouble so much. She wasnt so sure if she was
imagining
it, but she even thought her stepmother was screaming a little bit less.
Raelene was surprised to find herself thinking she could be a little thankful to her stepmother,
as well as to Crystal, for teaching her about how important it was to match what we say with
how we
say it. I personally think a lot of the credit was due to Raelene, because she was the one who
noticed
Crystals response and set up the experiment to test it out. She had learned that if she spoke
loving
words in a loving voice Crystal would always be there with her head on Raelenes lap, her tail
wagging
and a guarantee of loyal friendship.
138 Healing Stories, Teaching Stories
EXERCISE 8.1
Learning to manage emotions effectively is a core ingredient in ones quality of life. Jot down
in your notebook any metaphor ideas that you observe in your casework or day-to-day life.
They may be about effective means of managing anxiety, depression, or anger. They may be
about building positive emotions, or learning how to appreciate humor. Build your stories
around the three core therapeutic characteristics listed at the beginning of each story in this
part.
What is the problem your idea addresses? How does it parallel the problem or problems

of your child client?

What resources, skills, abilities, or means does the child need to reach a resolution?

How can your story conclude with appropriate, healthy, and mature management of

emotions?