Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain

SEPTEMBER 5, 2008 | ISSUE 4436

Darwinic pilgrims claim the image fills them with an overwhelming feeling of logic.
DAYTON, TNA steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to gather in this small
Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is an image of Charles Darwinauthor of
The Origin Of Species and founder of the modern evolutionary movementmade manifest on a
concrete wall in downtown Dayton.
"I brought my baby to touch the wall so that the power of Darwin can purify her genetic
makeup of undesirable inherited traits," said Darlene Freiberg, one among a growing crowd
assembled here to see the mysterious stain, which appeared last Monday on one side of the
Rhea County Courthouse. The building was also the location of the famed "Scopes Monkey
Trial" and is widely considered one of Darwinism's holiest sites. "Forgive me, O Charles, for
ever doubting your Divine Evolution. After seeing this miracle of limestone pigmentation with
my own eyes, my faith in empirical reasoning will never again be tested."
Added Freiberg, "Behold the power and glory of the scientific method!"
Since witnesses first reported the unexplained markingwhich appears to resemble a 19th-
century male figure with a high forehead and large beardthis normally quiet town has become
a hotbed of biological zealotry. Thousands of pilgrims from as far away as Berkeley's
paleoanthropology department have flocked to the site to lay wreaths of flowers, light
devotional candles, read aloud from Darwin's works and otherwise pay homage to the
mysterious blue-green stain.
Capitalizing on the influx of empirical believers, street vendors have sprung up across Dayton,
selling evolutionary relics and artwork to the thousands of pilgrims waiting to catch a glimpse
of the image. Available for sale, are everything from small wooden shards alleged to be
fragments of the "One True Beagle"the research vessel on which Darwin made his legendary
voyage to the Galapagos Islandsto lecture notes purportedly touched by English evolutionist
Alfred Russel Wallace.
"I have never felt closer to Darwin's ideas," said zoologist Fred Granger, who waited in line for
16 hours to view the stain. "May his name be praised and his theories on natural selection echo
in all the halls of naturalistic observation forever."
Despite the enthusiasm the so-called "Darwin Smudge" has generated among the evolutionary
faithful, disagreement remains as to its origin. Some believe the image is actually closer to the
visage of Stephen Jay Gould, a longtime columnist for Natural History magazine and originator
of the theory of punctuated equilibrium, and is, therefore, proof of rapid cladogenesis. A smaller
minority contend it is the face of Carl Sagan and should be viewed as a warning to those
nonbelievers who have not yet seen his hit PBS series Cosmos: A Personal Voyage.

Still, others have attempted to discredit the miracle entirely, claiming that there are several
alternate explanations for the appearance of the unexplained discoloration.
"It's a stain on a wall, and nothing more," said the Rev. Clement McCoy, a professor at Oral
Roberts University and prominent opponent of evolutionary theory. "Anything else is the
delusional fantasy of a fanatical evolutionist mindset that sees only what it wishes to see in the
hopes of validating a baseless, illogical belief system. I only hope these heretics see the error of
their ways before our Most Powerful God smites them all in His vengeance."
But those who have made the long journey to Dayton remain steadfast in their belief that natural
selectiona process by which certain genes are favored over others less conducive to survival
is the one and only creator of life as we know it. This stain, they claim, is the proof they have
been waiting for.
"To those who would deny that genetic drift is responsible for a branching evolutionary tree of
increasing biodiversity amid changing ecosystems, we say, 'Look upon the face of Darwin!'"
said Jeanette Cosgrove, who, along with members of her microbiology class, has maintained a
candlelight vigil at the site for the past 72 hours.
"Over millions of successive generations, a specific subvariant of one species of slime mold
adapted to this particular concrete wall, in order to one day form this stain, and thus make
manifest this vision of Darwin's glorious countenance," Cosgrove said, overcome with emotion.
"It's a miracle," she added.