Brainwashing - 12 Years of Hell - X-Press PDF

2015/10/6 12/Brainwashing12YearsofHell|Xpress
BRAINWASHING12YEARSOFHELL1
Hello!!Iamyasashiikisuandthisismyfirsttimepostinginthesite.
IamveryexcitedtopresenttoyoumaybethebiggestprojectIllevertranslate.
ThisisToshisbook,BrainwashingReturningalivefrom12yearsofhell.
Itwaspublishedin27July2014,bypublishingcompanyKodansha.
YoucanbuythebookthroughAmazon.
IfyouknowXshistory,thisbookisamusthave.ThisisaveryintensebookandIamafraid
Iamnotarticulateenoughtotranslatewiththesameintensity,ofcourseIdidmybest,yetI
amnotaprofessional(thereforeIdontprofittranslating,Idontownanythingetcetc).
Ikindlyaskyounotrepostthisanywhere,linkinstead.
Thistime,Illgostraighttothepointandpostchapter1.
Dontworry,theprologuewillbepostedsoon.
Pleasedonothesitatetosendmeaquestion!
Chapter1.TickettoHell
19931997
Aturningpointinmylife
1993,April,whenIwasrecordinginLosAngeles,Ireceivedaproposalforanunexpected
work.ItwasifIcouldactforthemainroleasHamletintherockoperaHamlet.How
wouldactingworkoutformyimageasXJapansToshi?Ihesitated,butthestaffinvolved
withmysoloworkrecommendedthatIshoulddoit,Ididhearmanywordsof
encouragementsuchas,Youmustdoit!or,Itsachanceforyoutogrowasanartist.As
Iwastoldthesethings,myinterestforachallengeinanewworldalsosparked.But,atthat
time,Ihadnowaytoknowthatthisdecisionwouldcompletelychangemyfateandbethe
startofthefall.Thatis,brainwashing,thosedayswhenIwasstolenofmywillasa
person,mythoughts,myfreedom,andeverything.Hiddeninthatbrightstage,whereI
shouldhavetooktheleapformylife,wasanabyssthatwouldswallowme.
ItwasMay1993WhenIreturnedfrommyaccommodationinLAtoJapan,inordertoattend
thelastauditiontodecidewhowouldbetheleadingactresswhowouldsharethestagewith
me,castasthemaincharacter.Frompublicsubmissionstoofficialpapersselection,there
wasonlyoneremainingaudition.
file:///C:/Users/itoms41/Downloads/Brainwashing%20%E2%80%93%2012%20Years%20of%20Hell%20_%20Xpress.html 1/132
Whenalltheauditionsended,theopinionbetweenthejudgeswasdivided.Itwasbetween
theproducers,directorsandtechnicalcrewandmythenofficesbossTakeda(namehasbeen
changedtoprotectidentity).Theproductionsrecommendedactresswaslittleknown,but
withherbeautyandaura,wouldsurprisewithherskillssingingandacting.Ontheotherside,
therecommendedactresswasonewhohadntasmuchskillassingeroractress,butamidst
thecompetition,withmanyoftheothersdesperatelytryingtomakeanappealtothemselves,
thiswomanleftanimpressionforherrelaxedspirit.Tome,itdidntmatterwhowaschosen,
Ithoughteitherwasfine.Eventually,whentherewasanelectiontochoosebetweenthetwo,
thingshadcalmeddownwiththedecisionofadoublecast,thatwouldplayalternately.For
somereason,everythingwaschanged,anditwastheonlyonepersonmybosshad
recommended.ThispersonisKaoriMoritani.
Maybethereisnoifinlife,butifonlyatthattimethedoublecastsetuphadcontinued,
andmybosshadntpersistentlyrecommendedittobeMoritaniPerhapsmylifewouldve
beencompletelydifferent.
Thismeetingwouldbecomethebiggestturningpointinmylife.
InOctober,1993,afterparticipatingtogetherinthesaidrockoperaHamlet,forsometime
westayeddistant,butahalfyearlater,aroundspringoftheyear1994,Ireceivedaletter
fromherinmyhouseinLA.Astimepassed,onceeverytwoweeks,onceinaweek,oncein
everythreedays,thefrequencyincreased.Itwasstillthetimewhenelectronicmailand
mobilephonesdidnotexist.AsIreadtheseletters,Ifeltlikemyowncharacterfromthe
play,Hamlet,whoisinlovewithOphelia.Then,Ifeltmyheartandbodygoastray.Tome,
livingaloneinaforeigncountry,theseletterswritteninbeautifulgentlenessweremyhearts
healing.Still,evensoifIhadstarteddatingher,Ididntlovethiswoman.Truthfully,Ithink
Iwasalonelypersonwhocouldntlovesomeoneorbelovedbysomeone.
IdidntknowabouttheToshiofX.
IhavenointerestintheToshiofX,butIdoknowabouttherealyou.
Ifeltthatwhenshewrotethesewordsinherletters,itwasdifferentfromthepeoplewho
approachedToshi.MaybeIdidthinkthatshewastheidealwoman.Inthebackgroundof
thesefeelings,thereweremanytroublesthatreflectedintermittentlyonmysurroundings.
Collapseofmyfamily
In1992myofficewasfounded,andmysolocareerstarted.TheoneIentrustedastheboss
wasmybrother.MyeldestbrotherwenttoTokyofromhisdaysinhighschooltotryouta
careerinentertainment,butintheend,withoutgettingadebut,hestartedtoworkforalarge
entertainmentandrecordingenterprise.Inhischildhood,mybrotherhadthefaceofaidol
star,whenheturned32yearsold,heputonweight,andhisnowroundfacewithglasses
madehimacharmingmiddleagedman.Ialmosthadneverseenhiminformalclotheslike
suits,butlikeabusinessman,hehadaroughfashion,consistingofjeansandtshirts.Before
Iknewit,Iwasalreadytallerthanhim.
Idliketobethebossofyouroffice.
Inthetimethatmysolocareerstarted,Iwascontactedbymybrotherandhesaidthat.Since
myinfancy,Ihadreceivedmusicalinfluencefrommybrother,andnowtoknowthatIwas
goingtoworktogetherwithhim,someonewhoIdadmiredsincealongtimeago,mademe
veryhappy.Hewasinchargeofplanningformycareerandthroughlyadministratingthe
office.Afterhebecamemyboss,IselectedhimtobemypartnerinaradioshowI
participated.Becausehehadntbecomeatalentintheentertainmentworld,theveryleastI
coulddowasgivehimalittleofthatfeeling.Butthatwayofthinking,thathewasgettinga
giftfromhisbrother,wasatremendousfailure.Byhiringhimtoparticipateonradiowith
me,Ithoughtthathewouldgettohavehisnameknowntomyfansandinadditiongeta
biggersalaryandimprovehisfinancialsituation,andfinallygetbettertreatmentasmy
brotherandasmyboss.Asaresult,asformybrotherworkingasmybossinaveryreliable
way,mybrotherneverdisappointedmeinmaintainingmyprivatelifesecureanddispelling
rumorsthatIhadbecomesomesortofpopidol.
Brother,Imean,boss.Bemoreawareofyourworkasamanager.
Toshi,doyouknowbossIshiifromContoAkashingo,whooftenappearsonTV?Iwantto
becomeamanagerjustlikehim.
Youknow,whenheappearsonTV,heskindoflikeapoptalentbutontheotherside,Im
surehesdeterminedabouthisjobasamanager.Beforebecomingatalent,Ithinkthatdoing
yourmanagerjobisveryimportant.
Ididwarnhimmanytimes,butmybrother,resignedtobecomeatalent,perhapsdidnothave
theabilitytoadministertheoffice.Ireceivedclaimsandcomplaintsaboutmyeldestbrother
fromYoshikisandtheothermembersoffices.Italsocametomyattentionthattherewere
plansforamagazinetoexposehisbadactionsasamanager.Withsomanyofthesetroubles,
Ihadalsofeltmanytimesactionsthatmeantbetrayal,butunfortunatelyIwasunabletofire
himfromtheposition.
Afterall,tohim,morethananartist,Iwashisyoungerbrother,hetreatedmewiththe
minimumstandardofrespectandIthinkhelefthisdutyasamanagerinsecondplace.Ashe
severelyfeltthedifficultyofmanagingtheoffice,hebecameconceited.Myimageand
impressionsofmyeldestbrotherstartedtocrumble.Ifeltprofoundsadness,asifofsomeone
whohadbeenbetrayed.
Furthermore,morethanonceortwice,receivedclaimsfromXJapansstaffaboutmy
mother,whoapparentlyhadinvitedfanstoourhouse,takenmoneyfromthemtoletthemsee
oldvideosandpicturesofmyandYoshikischildhoodandletthemphotographtheseaswell.
Thatkindofinformationcirculatedinweeklymagazines,butIhavealreadyexpressedmy
profoundapologiestoYoshikisstaffmembersinvolved.
WhenIaskedmybrothertoquitbeingthemanager,IgavehimseveralmillionYenincash.
Imsorry,wecantcontinueworkingtogetherlikethis.Imgivingyouthismoneysoyou
canfollowanotherpath,Ihopeyoucanuseitinavalidmanner
Myeldestbrotherandmotherargued,WhenyoumakethisTakedayournextboss,hewill
instigateyouandtakeoveryouroffice.YourrightsbelongtotheDeyamafamily.Andto
thinkyoucanhanditovertosomeoutsider,surroundingmewiththeseremarks.Beyond
resentment,Ifeltanenormousdiscouragement.Myeldestbrotherandmotherhadthewrong
ideasandactionsthat,asIhadbecomefamousandwiththatmyrightsproducedagreat
valueofmoney,theyhadalsoturnedintocelebrities.Furthermore,atthatpoint,myideaof
Goodfamilyalsocollapsed,asIdiscoveredtheirgreedwhichIhadntknownyet.
Withgreatdisappointment,Ifellintoapitofselfhatred.
Transformationoffamilyandfriends
Succeedingthat,inspringof1993,Takedabecametheofficesbossandfurthertroubles
occurred.
Originally,IbecamefriendswithTakedabeforemydebut,whenIworkedaparttimejobata
barinMeguroandhewasaregularcostumer.Hewasatoughmusculartypewitha
sunburnedface.Ialwaysperceivedhim,whoalwayschosetowearstylishdoublesuits,a
prosperousmanager.Withhisloud,cheerfulvoice,hegaveanatmospherefullofambition
andconfidence.Icouldfeelthecontrastbetweenheandmyeldestbrother,astheywerethe
sameagerange.Whenmyofficewasestablished,Takedabecamemyadviserconcerningmy
eldestbrotherwhowantednothingtodowithhispositionasboss.Aftermybrothers
dismissal,Takedabecamethebossandafterthat,healsobecamethebossforXJapans
managementoffice.WhenTakedawasemployed,IagreedwithYoshikitotake
responsibilityofXJapansearlymanagementside,beingsomethingsimilarasTakedas
guarantor.
Ithappened,thatoneyearafterTakedawasemployed,troublesasfraudulentaccountingwith
largesumsofmoneywerediscovered.Thesamefraudalsooccurredinmypersonaloffice,at
thesametimeperiod.Uptothatpoint,IhadtrustedTakeda,Iwasinshock,sinceIbelieved
thatwehadthesameintentions.TakedawasdismissedfrombeingthebossofXJapans
office,hewasalsofiredfrommypersonaloffice.Withtheagreementfrombefore,Iwas
responsibleandreturnedstockstoXJapansmanagementcompany.
RightafterIdbeenanxiousaboutthecasewithmyeldestbrotherandmotherwhichcaused
somuchannoyance,thistime,theverypersonIhadintroducedtoXJapansofficeand
becameboss,causedtroublewithafraud,losingusagreatsumofmoney.Thatwasa
problemIcausedandtherewasnowaythatIcouldhaverepaidtheXJapanmembers.Iwas
sorry,butitwassothatIcouldntbeartolookatthemanagementspeopleormembers
faces.Untilthat,mysoloschedulewasactive,yet,naturallywiththesecircumstances,X
Japansactivitywasleftalone,andIalsocouldntproceedwithmysoloschedule.
WhenIreceivedlargequantitiesofmoney,myfamilyandevenmyfriendswentthrougha
transformation,totheextentsomeunbelievablesituationsarose.Ideally,Iwantedtohavea
peacefulrelationshipwiththem.Inreality,manytimesIwasfacedwithglossedover
remorsefulcases.Ientrustedmymoneytomyfamily,inunconditionalfaiththattheywould
handlemymoney,pretendingthatasanartist,Iwouldntbeabletohandlemymoney
wisely.Myinnocenceinentrustingallofmymoneytomyfamily,isnodoubt,oneofthe
mainfactorsintheworseningofthesituation.
Idesperatelylongedandaimedfortherockstarstatus.IthoughtIwouldbedoingafavor
tomyparents,andafavortomyfamily.Lookingbackatthecircumstances,troubleswere
onlyspreadinginmysurroundings.BetweenthemembersandI,therewassomethinglikea
deepabyssinme.
(Inwhat,inwhoshouldItrust?)
Allatonce,Ihadnothinglefttotrustorrelyon.Icouldntstopshaking,asIfelttrappedina
vortexofanxiety.
ItwasatthistimethatIreceivedMoritanislettersmorefrequently.Moritanisletterswere
theonlyevidencethatmyheartwastorturedbysolitude.
Mybrothersmanagementrequest
InOctoberof1994,afterTakedasincident,Iwasemotionallyexhausted.Hidingfrom
Takedaandthemedia,Ivisitedmyotherbrotherwho,asamajorbankrepresentative
employee,hadmovedtoNewYork.Mybrother,whoworkedinNewYorkasanelite
businessman,inthefrontlineoftheworldsfinances,naturallyhadnoconnectionatallwith
Japansentertainmentworld.HishousewaslocatedinNewYorkssuburbanarea,away
fromManhattanshustle.Thesoftsunlightofautumnshoweredthequietneighborhood
surroundedbydensetrees.Inthiscalmingplace,Icouldtalktomybrotherabouttheincident
withTakedaandplansahead.Threeyearsolderthanme,mybrotherwasnow32yearsold.
Probably,hehadimprovedhisphysique,butthecleanbusinessmanhairstyle,andtheglintof
hiseyesbehindthesilverglassesgavehim,asalways,astrongair.Afterseveraldays,ona
Sunday,relaxinginthelivingroomafterbreakfast,theentrancedoorbellrang.Mybrother
lookedthroughthedoorspeephole,andoutside,wearingsunglasses,wasTakeda.
Toshi,Takedaishere.Gotothesecondfloor.
MybrotherwenttothedoortotalkwithTakeda,butnotexceedingfiveminutes,hewas
gone.
So,youvecomeallthewaytothisplace,huh.Youknowthatitsnotagoodideatofollow
Toshiaroundwithsuchabadmanner.
Sincechildhood,Ialwaysacknowledgedthatmybrotherhadacalmandcollectedside,and
hewasalsoalwaysthetopclassinstudies.Hedidnthaveanyconnectionwiththemusicor
entertainmentworld,butasabusinessman,hehadhighabilities.Mybrotherhadaspiritof
independence,anddifferentlyfrommyelderbrotherandmother,maybemyartistrights
didntseemasvitaltohim.Ibecamealienatedfrommyfamilybecauseofthematterwithmy
elderbrotherandmother,butperhapsifIwaswithmybrother,somethingcouldworkout
right.
Ifyoucan,Iwouldlikeyoutobemyofficesmanager
Ihadnothingtolose,soIrequestedmybrothertobecomethebossofmyoffice.
Icantgiveyouasimpleanswerrightnow,givemesometimetothink.
Severaldayslater,IleftNewYorkandreturnedtoJapanforsometime.
ReunionwithMoritanianddevotiontothespiritualworld
Stillinautumnofthatyear,exhaustedtothebottomofmysoul,IspentsometimeinHawaii
torecoverandcomposesongs.ReturningtoJapan,ImetMoritanionceagain.Afteralong
timewithoutseeingeachother,hercalmtemperamentbroughtmepeaceofmind.
Youvebeenthroughsomuch.Letmehugyoutightly.Youvedonewell
AsIshedlargedropsoftears,Ifeltthatshecouldbetheonewhowouldhealmyroughheart.
Shehadwrittenoverhundredsof575*shortpoemsinsmallcardsandgavethemtome.
Oneoftheminparticularmademecryveryhard.
Dying/HandinHand/Wellgotogether
Havinglostfaithinmyfamily,acquaintancesandevenfriends,thesewordspermeatedmy
heart.
Beforelong,IbeganmysocietywithMoritani.
Sheoftentalkedtomeboutspiritualtopics,spiritualworld,andtheuniverse.Iwasalso
interestedinthesetopics,andherpassionateattitudewonmeover.Withherinfluence,Ialso
startedtolikethegenresofNewAgemusicandHealingmusic.Inthecontextofmy
commitmenttothespiritualworldandhealing,perhapsIhadfoundaescapeformyreality
filledwithcontinuoustroubles.
[*:575isapoemrhymingmethodcommoninJapan.]
Anemptyspaceleftempty
In1995,YoshikichangedXJapansdirectiontoexpandintoaworldwidemarket.Hetalked
excitedlyaboutplanstofirstreleaseanalbummarketedforJapan,andlateranotheralbumin
theAmericancontinent.Soon,therecordingforthenewalbum,Dahlia,startedtotake
placeinYoshikisownstudioinLosAngeles.Inthelastyear,Hidessolotourhadexploded
withpopularity.Andtheotherbandmembershadeachtheirownsideprojects.Then,
betweenmeandYoshiki,thereopenedupemptyspacethatcouldntbefilled.Alsounder
Moritanisinfluence,IcametofeelthatthesourceofmysufferingandthelieIwasliving
wascausedbytherockgenreweperformed,calledvisualstyle.
Youdonthavetofakeit,topretend.Youalsodontneedthatmakeuporthatbleached
hair.YoujusthavetobeToshi.
ItwaslikeasifMoritanisgentlewordstookawayalloftheweightoffmychest.
Ontheotherhand,withthesongsdecidedandalltheexcitementoflaunchingourbandtothe
world,therecordingofvocalswithYoshikithistimewasmuchmorestrict.Voice,rhythm,
pitchandemotionwerethingsthatheaddedtothelistofdemands,butwhatbotheredmethe
mostwastheenglishpronunciation.YoshikirequiredIhadanativespeakerslevelof
pronunciation.Yoshikihadneversethismindonsuchathingbefore,andIthoughtthat
havingtheperfectpronunciationnowwasunreasonable.Takinglessonsfromaleading
specialistofpronunciation,wetriedtorecordthesongswithperfectenglishpronunciation,
butasIexpected,wedidnotgetsatisfactoryresults.Nomatterhowmanytimesweadjusted,
ifIdidnthavemotivation,Iwouldntbeabletoclimbthiswall.
DisappointedandangrywithmyselffornotmeetingYoshikisdemands,Ialsofelt
resentmenttowardsYoshikiandhisinsistence.Sensingseriousproblemsinmysinging,
whichnowhadreachedalowlevel,IstartedtothinkthatIhadnoconfidence,energyoreven
qualificationtobeXJapansvocalistandmember.Thedaysinthestudiogaineda
profoundlyheavyanddarkmood,alongwiththefactthatYoshikiandIrarelyspoketoeach
other.
ThedoubtinmymindtoleaveXJapan
March1995,mybrotheracceptedmyrequestandresignedfromhisworkwithmajorbanks
tobecomemyofficesmanager.Afterthat,ourtroubleshadcontinued,becauseofTakedas
impact,wereceivedacomplaintfromaCMsponsor.Morethanever,Icouldntraisemy
eyestotheXJapansstaffmembersandofficespeople.
IfIaminXJapan,Iwillonlycausemoretrouble.Furthermore,Icannotseeanymore
meaninginbeingamemberofXJapan.
Moritanisaidtothehesitantme,Isntthatwhatyouwant?YoushouldbeyourselfIf
youreinXJapan,everythingwillgowrongforyou.Moreimportantthanthat,youshould
domoreofwhatyoulike.Illbewithyou.Havemorefaithintheuniverseinsideyou
InNovemberof1995,withouthavingfinishedthenewalbum,thecurtainswereraisedforX
Japansfirsttourin4years.Atourofsoldoutarenas,packedwithextremelyenthusiastic
fans,surelyXJapanspopularityhadreacheditspeak.Yet,myheartwassunkdeeply.
Ishouldstopshowingallofthisexcitement.Wearingsuchornatefashiononlyweighsdown
mymind.Ishouldreallytrytobemorelikemyself.
WithMoritanisadvice,Icutmylonghair,dyeditblackonceagain,stoppedwearingmake
up,andmystageoutfitsbecamesimplestyleswithajacket.Iwentthroughatransformation
thatcompletelydisagreedwiththestyleofavisualrockbandsfrontman.
InDecember1996,forthelastdateoftheDahliaTour,wehadthecustomtoperforminthe
TokyoDomeattheendoftheyear.Certainnight,whenIwaspreparingfortheshow,
MoritanibroughtmeoneCD.Whenthesongplayed,suddenlyshestartedtocry.
Whenthissongplays,Icantholdbackmytears.Itssuchbeautifulmusic.
SinceIfirststartedtogooutwithMoritani,whenIthoughtshewaslaughing,suddenlyshe
couldbeingtocryaswell.Inversely,whenshecriedloudly,soonitturnedintolaughing.
Thoseviolentupsanddownsmanytimesmademefeelveryuncomfortable.Idislikedthat,I
sawherinafavorablelight.Tomeshewaslikeapurechildwithapeculiartrait.
Thatsonghadanorchestraarrangement,asfeaturedinvariousothersongofthehealing
musiccategory.ItwasasongfromanartistcalledMasaya.Moritanifrequentlyplayedthis
CD,andsheconstantlyleftitonmydesk.ItoneoftheCDsfromtheseveraloneswe
collectedofthehealingmusiccategory.
Yeah,itsanicesong
AsIsaidthisinanunclearresponse,Moritanisoontookanemotionalstance.
Itellyou,youshouldquitthatXJapan.Andcutalltieswithyourfamily.Idontmeanit
superficially,justbylisteningIcanfeelheartbreakingandpreciousfeelings.Youshouldbe
singingsongslikethistohealpeopleshearts!Isntthatwhatyouwishtodothemost?
Haventyourmother,brother,Yoshiki,andallpeoplearoundyouonlyusedyoufortheir
ownconvenience?Dontletthemmanipulateyouanymore!Ivehadenough!
Tightlygraspingmyarmwithbothhands,shakingmybodystrongly,thiswasthefirsttimeI
lookedatthepleading,cryingMoritaniwithfear.
ShesreallythinkingseriouslyaboutmyselfSheistheonlypersonIcantrust.Irealized,
asshecriedwithanger.Immediately,Idistancedmyselffromthosearoundme.Ifellinthe
holeMoritanidugforme.
Moritanistwowishes:Familyregistration*andRetirementfromXJapan
January1997.WiththetourandthenewalbumDahliasrecordingfinished,XJapans
activitytemporarilyreachedacriticalpoint.Itooktwoveryimportantdecisions.Thefirst
was,marriagewithMoritani.
Iwanttowalkholdinghandswithyouinpublic.Idontwanttohavetodoeverythingin
secret.,shetoldme.
Eventhoughthereweretheemotionalhighsandlows,Ibelievedthatshewastrue,and
wouldneverbetraymeasdidmyfamilyandfriends.Ididntwanttoprojectonheranybad
feelings.Idecidedtograntherwishofgettingmarried.Fromthepeoplearoundme,Iwas
usedtohearmaliciousremarksas,SheistheonewhochangedToshi.Iwantedtoget
marriedwithher,notonlytostartanewlifebyherside,buttoprotectherfromthesethings
aswell.
Aftermarrying,Iwasveryobstinate,showingconcerninmyspeechandaction.Ididntnot
informmybrother,managerofmyofficeorthestaffpeopleofmyoffice.Ofcourse,Ialso
didnottellanyoftheXJapanmembers.Eventome,theeventwasntmeanttobepublic.
Moritanitoldmenottohaveaceremonyormakeapublicannouncement.But,beforehand,it
becamefeaturedinaweeklypublicationandIhadtogiveaTVinterviewaboutitand
unavoidablyspeakaboutitinconcerts.Ifnotforsomeoneextremelyclose,whydidthe
informationleaktothemedia?Moritaniaccusedmybrother,whowasalsomymanager,of
disclosingthefact.Thismademysuspicionoffamilyworstthanever.
Then,Ihadtakenanotherdecision.
IhadaconversationwithMoritaniaboutmydecisiontoleaveXJapan.
Toputourplansintoaction,IcantgoonwithXJapananymore.
ImadethedecisiontoendthislifeofXJapan=Yoshiki,andturnitaroundtostartmylife
withMoritani.
Thedayfinallycame,inApril201997.Intheevening,IwasparkedintheLosAngeles
studiosneighborhood.Istayedforawhileinsidethecar,Istaredatthedeepredsky.I
recalledofthirteenyearsago,inthelastyearofschool,wedreamedofbeingrockstarsand
talkedaboutitenthusiastically.
IfitswithYoshiki,ifitsX,wellmakeit.
(TodayitwouldendIwonderwhatYoshikiwillsay)
WoulditbelikeleavingafamilyIdbeenlivingtogetherformanyyears?Woulditbelike
separationfromalongtimelover?OrwouldittakeawayweightofthecrossIcarried?
Unspeakableemotionstookcontrolofmyheart.
Iwasinmycarforabout30minutes.Yoshikiwaswaitingformeinthestudiolounge.
Yoshikiwasseatedfacingaround,largetable.Itshowedthathewasthereforsometime.I
couldntlookinhiseyes.
Yoshiki,Ihavesomethingtotellyou,Isaid,lookingdown.
IwanttoquitX
Afterminutesofsilence,IheardfromYoshiki.
UnderstoodToshi
QuicklyIreplied.
But,wehavetoleteveryoneknow,soIthinkweshouldcallthemhere.
HideandHeath,whowereinL.A.atthetime,cametothestudio.Onceagainwegathered
aroundthecirculartable.
Damn!Thisagain,Toshi!
Hidespatthesewords.HesaidthembecauseIhadcausesomanytroublesforXJapan.
Ifwedonthaveasinger,whatwelldo?Whatwillbecomeofourlife?
ItwasararetimewhenHidesfeelingsstruckhardonme.
Whateverproblemwehave,dontwealwayssolveittogether?Xisnotonlyyourlife,itis
thelifeofusall.Whatthehellarewegoingtodo!
IthoughtthatanythingthatIcouldsaywouldbeofnouse.Yoshikicontinuedsilent,idly
playinghisYoshikimodelguitar,lookingdown.
Hidechan,thisisadecisionIthoughtaboutandworriedforalongtime.Icantputmy
wholesoulintoXanymore.Icantgoon,livingalietoallofyouanymore.Imetsomeone,
andIfoundnewvalues.Fromnow,Iwanttosavepeople.
Thendoit.Throughmusic.
IcantdothatifIminX.Imeanit,Iwanttosavepeople.
MydiscussionwithHidecontinued.Ibecamestubbornenoughtosayit.
Youmeanthatarockbandcannotsavepeople?
Yes,thatsright.
Yoshikishandceasedtostrumtheguitar.
Heath,yetsilent,staredatafixedpointofthetable.
Hidesexpressionwasthatofshock.Hepouted.
Followingmomentsofsilencefromall,Yoshikispoke.
IfToshidecidedtoleaveatthispoint,theresnowaywecanstophim.
WithYoshikiswords,Icouldntstandtobethereanysecondlonger.Istoodupandwithout
evenlookingback,Ilefttheplace.
Imsosorry,everyoneThanksforeverything
Unabletosaythesewordsintheirpresence,Irepeatedtheminmymind.Mychestwashot
andtearswelledup.Inthatway,Ileftthestudio,drivingmycar.
Ijusttalkedtothemembers
IinformedMoritani,whowaitedformebackathome.
Thatsgood.
Satisfied,shesmiled.
Thatday,atlast,IleftXJapan.
[*:Notonceinthissubchapterthereisareferencetothesinglewordmarriage.The
wordsusedinallstancesisRegistrationintoonesfamilyIdidnotuseitinallstances
becauseitsalongwaytowriteandwouldbecomerepetitive.]
Distrustofmybrother
Whenmybrotherbecamemymanager,myworkdivertedtoasocialorientation:Supporting
theplaintiffsoftheTokyotaintedbloodscandallawsuit,publicationofadialoguewith
KawadaRyuhei,myfirstpublishedessay,beinginchargetheCMsongforUnescos
messagesongandpublicadvertisementByeByeBullying,performingfortheconcertfor
PeacesponsoredbyMasashiSada,visitinganIndianschoolasUnescosgoodwill
ambassador,amongothers.
Butevenduringthoseactivities,mybrother(workingasmymanager)andourofficesstaff
neveracknowledgedMoritani.Tobeexact,itislikelythattheyweresomewhatwaryofher.
Mybrotherdidspeakofhertome,personally,usingverybitterwords.
Moritaniisonlyputtingonanact
Itscommonsenseinthebankingworld,peoplelikeherarethemostdangerous.
Noticehereyes,beawareofthatwoman.
Ionlyrepliedtomybrother,Dontsaythesemeanthings,whenhewouldtalkaboutherin
suchasevereway.
Yet,Icouldntdeny,evenatfirst,thatmybrother,whoabandonedtheeliteroad,leadingthe
waythroughtheunknownworldofentertainmenttodomethefavorofbecomingmy
managercomingbacktoJapan,wasgivingmeaseriouswarning.
Conversely,Moritaniatfirst,wouldsendgiftsinherletterstomybrother.Astimepassed,
shefrequentlycomplainedofhim.
Heonlythinksofyouasbusiness,hedoesntgiveadamnaboutyourfeelings.
Heonlywantsabrotherlikeyoutobehispuppet.
Inthebeginning,IwasshockedbyMoritanismetamorphoseandabusivewords,andeven
thoughatfirstIagreedwiththingsshesaid,Iwonderedifshereallysaidtomewhatshe
honestlythoughtofme.
Also,inherletters,Moritaniwouldsendflowerstomymother.Butshealsoturnedto
complainofmymother.
Yourmotherthinksherchildrenareherproperties.
Yourmotherisadetestablewoman.
Twofacedliar
Unfortunately,atthetime,Icouldnotnegateherwords.Isympathizedwithherremarks,
viewingmybrother,alongwithmyfamily,inanegativelight.
Introductiontobrainwashing,headedtoYakushima
Followingourmarriage,onedayMoritanitoldmeinahappyvoice.
IwanttogotoYakushima.Youknow,thatMasayaoftheCDwelistened?Theresanhotel
hedesignedoverthere.
InJuneof1997,MoritaniandIvisitedtheLemuriaIslandResortHotelinanislandof
Kagoshimaprefecture.
Theplacecouldntbecalledaresort,itwasonlyasmalllodge.Itwasasmall,white,
cottagebuilding,surroundedbyotherbuildingsinthemountain.
Thisissuchabeautifulplace!ThisisthebesthotelIveeverwentto!Moritanisaidwith
happiness.Iwasntasexcitedasshewas,buttome,ifshewashappy,thensowasI.There
werenootherguestsotherthanusinthissilentplace.Atcheckin,weenteredthewooden
mainbuilding,alsolinkedtothehotel,labeledasrestaurant.Frominside,ahotelstaff,
seemingtobeinhermidthirties,appeared.Shelookeddifferentfromanormalhotelstaff,
wearingasweaterwornoutaroundtheneck,akneelengthskirtofafabricsimilarto
corduroy.Shehadnosignofanymakeup,andherhairwascarelesslytiedback.
Aftersettlingthecheckindetails,sheturnedtomewithasmileandspokewithasoftvoice.
Pleasehavealookatourhotelsartgallery.
Yes,wellgo!
Moritanisaidwithjoy,andassoonasweleftourthingsintheroom,wewenttoseeit.
Thisartgallerywasjustanothersmallwoodenbuilding.Thestafffrombeforewaswaiting
forusattheentrance,sheopenedthedoorandinvitedusinside.Inthevastdarkness,there
werepaintingsonthewall.Healingmusicplayedinthebackground.
Thissongisasongfromthishotelsowner,Masaya.Thestaffsaidquietly.
Inthepaintings,wecouldperceivethestyleofnaiveart,suchasapaintinginpaleorange
tonesofaboywearingastrawhathuggingatree.Eachpaintinghadamessagewritten
underneathit.
Ivelivedonmytiptoes,unyielding,unyielding/Nothonestlywantingtobecomean
adult/Thetruthis/Iwanttoturnbacktime/TowhenIwastheboyinshorts
Surelythesepaintshadsomethingthatsetoffsomethinginmyheart.Inobservationofthe
gallery,Moritanisuddenlycried.Thestafftoo,cried.Sheexplained.
Theartist,MatsudaNorie,passedawayinAprilofthisyearduetocancer,inhertwenties.
Sheacceptedherillness,sheacceptedherselfasshewasandreturnedtothenaturalworld.
ShewasmorethanMasayaspartner,theirpartnershipexceededthelimitsofmanand
woman.
TurningtoMoritani,thestaffsaid.
Youvebeenfightingyourtensionallthistime,butyoudonthavetoanymore.Accept
yourselfasyouare.
Thestaffalsosoftlypattedmyshoulder.IwassurprisedtoseeMoritanisobbing
violently(Wasshereallyholdingitbackthismuch?).Asweprogressedwithour
observation,Moritaniswailingbecameevenworse,tothepointshefellonherkneestothe
floor,cryingloudly.Thestaffpattedhershoulder.
Itsallright,itsallrighttocry.Itsallrightofeelsad,tofeelpain.Itsallrighttocry
more.
AtfirstIthoughtaboutwhatcouldhavemadehercry,butIrealizedthatMoritanireallyisa
personofstrongemotions.Suddenly,interruptingmythoughts,thestafftouchedmy
shoulder.
Youalsodonthavetoholditin,youaretense.Ifyoufeelsad,ifyoufeelpain,youshould
cry.Thisisaplaceforyoutofeelpeaceofmind.Acceptyourselfasyouare,please
Shesaidinkindwords.Staringvacantlyatthesepainting,Ithoughtaboutmyfamilyandthe
troublesIwouldhavetofacenowon,anditmademefeelsad.Eventually,inthis
atmosphere,asiftoaccompanyMoritani,Ishedsometears.Afterthat,forsomereasonIfelt
relief.
Atdinnertime,thestaffbroughtsomenoodlestoourtableandtalkedtous.
Howwastheartgallery?
Ifeelbetteraftercrying.
Isthatso?Imgladyoufeelwell.WeallwanttobelikeUltraman.Savingtheearth,
Ultraman!
Shesaidinabrightmood.
Ultraman?
Thatisright.Ithinkweall,atapointinourlives,wishtocontributetopeoplesandthe
worldscause.Andforthatwehavetostudyourheart.
Oh,thatiswonderful.
Iwasadmiredwiththethoughtthatwecametothishotelforthatreason.
Moritanilaughedandsaid,IalsowanttobecomeUltraman!
Thiswasagreattime.
Imgladwecamehere.
Inthislightermood,wespentsometimeinYakushima.
Timeofcheckout.Thesamestafffromtheartgallerytoldus.
InAugust,MasayawillholdaconcertinmemoryofMatsudaNorieatanartgalleryin
Tokyo.Hehasonlyinvitedaclosecircleofpeople.Normally,noteveryonecanattend,butI
wastoldyouhavepermissiontogo.Willyouattend?Aftertheartistsdeath,apparently
Masayahadntperformedinawhileandthiswouldbethefirstconcertafterthat.Even
thoughMoritani,inextremehappiness,saidthatshesurelywouldattend,IsaidIwasntsure
becauseofmyschedule.IsignedacopyofoneofthepublishedessaysIwroteandgaveitto
thestaff.
Moritanitoldthestaffwewouldsurelycomebackandinthisway,weleftYakushima.
Thesetuptrap,Masaya
AfterleavingYakushima,inAugustof1997,followingMoritanisword,Illdefinitelybe
there!,Iattendedtheconcertafterall.ItwaslocatedinMinato,acomparativelylarge
westernhouse,attheleftsideofanarrowstreet,nearbytheembassyofKorea.Openingthe
doortherewasaspacewherewetookoffourshoes,putonslippersandtherewasanother
door.Enteringthedoor,therewasthelongtableofthereception.Behinditstoodtwo
women.Theiroutfitwasveryaliketothehotelsstaff,noneofthemworemakeup,andtheir
hairwasgrownlong.
WehavetworeservationsonthenameDeyama.
Pleasewait.
Thetwostaffrepliedquietly.
AfterpayingtheticketsoftenthousandsomethingYen,thestaffinstructedustobringour
shoesinsmallvinylbagswereceived.Iwasnervouswhenwewentdownthestairstothe
basementfloorandopenedthesubsequentdoor,dimlylit,healingmusic,presumably
Masayas,playedinthebackground.Inthecrampedspace,onthewalls,therewere
paintings.About30whiteplasticchairslinedup.Approximately10to19peoplesatinthe
firstandsecondrows,butInoticedthatallofthemlookeddowntothefloor,theirshoulders
dropped,lookingdepressed.
MoritaniandIsatinthelastrow.
SoonMasayaappearedonstage.Isawhisfaceclearlyinthesimple,elevatedstage.He
lookedtobeinhisforties,heworeabuttondownshirt,andtherewasawhitesweaterhung
inhisshoulders.AmuchmorerefreshedlookthanwhatIhadinmind.Hespokealongtime
aboutdoingaconcertinsometimeandaboutthepainter.Finallyhemovedontothesongs.
Suddenlyakaraokebackgroundmusicplayed.
(What?Hesgoingtosingkaraoke?)
Thepeopleinthefrontrow,stilllookingdownwards,startedtocry.Itwasbizarre,Iwasin
confusion,andwhenIlookedtowardsMoritani,shewascryinglikethem.Whenthesong
ended,perhapshewassick,Masayabreathedinloudly.Pickingupsometissues,hespitin
them.Hetalkedandthensang,andthisrepeatedforsometime.
Thebizarreaudience,Masayaclearinghisnose,spittinginpublicThesethingsbothered
me.Astheconcertprogressed,themoodbecamemoreandmorebizarre,withsomeofthe
audiencesshoulderstremblingbecauseoftheirsobs,Icouldntconcentrateonthesongs.
(Thismaybethegatheringofsomestrangereligion)
Thethoughtcrossedmymind.IlookedatMoritaniandshewascryingexactlyliketheother
membersintheaudience,listeningtoMasayassongs.Iwastheonlyonewhowasntmoved
byit.
(Expressionless,unabletocry,maybetheonewhoswronghereisme.)
Ahourandhalflater,Masayaendedhistalkingandcameoutofstage.Hewalkedtowards
me.Standingbymyside,suddenlyhehuggedmyshoulderstightly.Probably5seconds
passed.
AsIthought,What?!Ionlyheardthesoundofhisslippersclimbingthestairs.
Braggingaccompaniedofliesandexaggeration
AsIstoodupfrommyseat,oneofthestaffmembersapproach.
Masayaasksifyouwishtomeetandtalktohim,doyouaccept?
Immediately,nowaseeminglyhappyMoritanisaid,Iwanttoseehim.
Goingtothesecondfloor,thereMasayatalkedandexplainedtousfurtherabouttheconcert.
IdebutedtotheentertainmentworldwhenIwasonlyachild.At19,Iopenedabusiness,
whenIcreatedthestudenttourbusinessboom.Inmyearly20s,Iownedmanycafesand
discos.IfoundedthePreciaresortintheYoronIsland,pioneeringtheresortboom.At27,I
wastheyoungestinhistorytobelistedinthestockexchange.Iobtainedstatusandfamein
thecompetition,butallofthisrivalrywasempty.Thatwaswhenastaffmemberaskedmeto
attendacertainseminaranditchangedmylife.Ihadbeeninthetop,soIcanperfectly
understandwhatyoufeel.Theresnohappinessinthere,itsallmeaningless.
Masayaspokeandgesturedwithenthusiasm,andIwasdrawntohisstory.Then,hetalked
aboutmusic.
Imnotsignedinamajorlabel,butIsellmanycopies.AskSonyorEMIandtheylltellyou
howmanycopiesaresold.IwasnominatedfortheJapanGoldDiscprizeforinstrumental
albumoftheyear.
Speakingofprize,withX,Iwonaprizeaswell.
(AsthebestsellingartistofJapan,eventhoughwewerestillintheindiestime.)
Iwasveryimpressed.Masayacontinued.
EventhoughImnotfamous,Icanmakethisgenuineworktotouchtheheartsofpeople.
Well,ifmylookssold,itwouldbeverytroublingforme.Iselltothosewhoreally
understandmytrueworkfortheEarth.Thatisplentyformetocontinue.Ialsopresent
seminars,severalpeoplehavetakenmyseminars.Theageofhealingstartsnow.Onlyreal
workswillsurviveinthenaturalworld.
Inrapidsuccession,hespokewithpride.But,exactlyasithappenedonstage,hecontinuedto
clearhisnoseandspitonatissuebetweenbreaks.Moritanialsoshedtearsattimes,sniffling,
shewascompletelyabsorbedinhistalk.
Idonottalktojustanybodyabouttheseminars,butIwilltalkaboutitspeciallyforyou.
Masayabegantheintroductionwithdeepwords.
Hetoldusthathisfatherwasapublicprosecutor,whoworkedinaverystrictway.In
oppositiontotheimageofhisfather,Masayaenteredtheentertainmentbusiness.Whilehis
relationshipwithhisfatherwasstillfrozen,Masayaattendedtheseminarandwasableto
accepthisfather.Afterthat,hisfatherattendedtheseminarswithhim,anditwasthefirst
timethathecouldhughisfather.Aftertheemptinessinhislifecrumbleddown,hechoseto
workonlyforgoodcauses.
Asherepeatedthatitwasanspecialseminar,Ibecamemoreinterested.
Whatkindofseminarisit?
Moritaniinquiredwithaglintinhereyes,Masayastillclearinghisnoseandspittingona
tissue.
Well,Ithinkweshouldleaveitatthisfortoday.Ifyouwanttoknowmoreaboutthe
seminar,yourewelcometocomebackhereanytime.
Hekindlysaidthat,andwereturnedhome.
Theressomanyevilpeopleintheworld,butthankfullytherearegoodpeoplelike
Masaya.
Untilverylate,MoritaniandItalkedabouthowwonderfulourencounterwithMasayawas.
Invitationtotheseminar
MoritanipesteredmeoverandovertoseeMasayaagain,andIalsohadthewishtomeet
him.Again,weheadedtotheartgalleryinMinato.
Thistime,Masayashowedustheroomhelivedwithhislateartistpartner.
Idontletanyonegoinhere,butIllshowitspeciallytoyou.
AccordingtoMasaya,shedidnotuseconventionalmeans,butpaintedwithmakeupsamples
ofeyeshadow.Masayashowedusadoll,ofapproximately40cmthatbelongedtoher.
Slowly,hetearedopenthedollsbackandfromtherehetookabundle,measuringabout
30cm,ofblackhair.Itwastheartistshair.
IshiveredwhenIsawthat.
(Whyisheshowingusthis?)
AsIlookedtoMoritani,shewascrying.Ifeltsadaboutit,butitscaredme.Masayasaid.
Shewasntfamousorinfluential,butherpaintingscanmoveanyonewholooksatthem.Its
allbecauseshetooktheseminar,andhertalentflourished.Itooammakingmusicrightnow,
andmysuccessisallduetotheseminar.Ihadmyemployeestaketheseminar,andasa
result,wevebecomeacompanyfulloflove.Itswhyweresellingwelltoo.Ifsomeone
doesnttaketheseminar,theycansingallofthehealingsongstheywantanditwillstillbe
onlyasuperficialfake.Peoplewhodonttaketheseminararenthuman!
Hesaidwithpride.
Ifeltuncomfortablewithhisdecisivewords.
InaperiodofseveraldaysafterthemeetingwithMasaya,Moritanirantedoverandover.
WhatMasayasaysisreallywonderful
WeshouldlivelikeMasaya
Letshearmoreabouttheseminar
WeshouldreallybecomehealingartistslikeMasaya
HowaboutsingingMasayassongs?Ithinktheysuityouperfectly
HavingquitXJapan,unabletotrustmyfamily,friendsandpeoplearoundme,theonlyoneI
hadfaithinwasMoritani.Iwaslost,concerningmyfutureplans.Ifeltalotofhypocrisy
fromotherartistswhodidsocialworks.
Iwanttochange.IwanttobecomeagenuinehealingartistlikeMoritanisays,andwork
truthfully.Ithought.
Oneday,MoritaniaskedMasaya.
CanToshisingoneofyoursongs?
Ifhedoesnottaketheseminar,hewontbecomeatruehealingartist,therefore,hecannot
singmysongs.Itllonlybeafarce.
Masayasaidthiswithverydistinctgestures.Moritanithenaskedhiminaloudvoice.
So,canhetaketheseminar?
Aftertheseminartrainer,MatsudaNorie,fellill,wedontdotheseminarsanymore.But
thereisaplacethatdoesthem,Icanshowyouit.
ThedialoguewithMasayathatdaytookseveralhours.
BeingcompletelycharmedbythispersoncalledMasaya,myinterestintheseminar
increased.
IonlywanttotakethisseminarwithMasaya.Theresnomeaningtoattendsomeone
elses.
MoritanisaidwithevenmoredeterminationthanIhad.
Nottwohourslaterthatwearrivedhome,oneofthereceptionstaffcalledus.
WouldyouliketotalktoMasaya?
Sheaskedpolitely.
Ifyoutrulywantto,IcanaskMasayatohaveyoutaketheseminar.Areyousureyouwish
toattend?
Moritani,whoheardtheconversationoverthephone,withoutsaying,movedhermouthto
sayYes,Illattend.
Withoutthinking,Ianswered.Yes,Illattend.
Allright.IwilltellMasayathatyouwishtoattendhisseminar.
Afewdayslater,wewerecontacted.
IthasbeendecidedthatMasayawillsetupaspecial,newseminar.Pleaseattendour
meetingforfurtherexplanation.
Theyfaxedanapplicationblankform.
Persistentinvitation
InearlySeptember,1997,inthedayoftheexplanationmeeting,Iwassickwithacold.Ihad
afevercloseto39degrees.Iwasnotinconditiontogooutside.Ihaddifficultytalkingas
well,soIdecidedtocontactLemuriaIslandRecords'(whichwouldlaterbecomeHomeof
Heart)byphone.IsaidtothedeskstaffYamada(namehasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity)
thatIcouldntgo.Yamadadidnotconsent.
Cantyougo,inanyway?
Yes,itsimpossible.
Minutesafterendingthephonecall,Yamadacalledmeagain.
Thisisthelastchancetoknowthetruth.Yourelettingitgo.
Shesaidpersistently,butinasofttone.
Ireallywanttogo,butIcantevenstandup.
Iexpressedmydecisionandendedthephonecall.Moritanisaid.
Weinquiredaboutitsomuch,youhavetodotheimpossibletogo.
Again,minuteslater,thephonerang.
Masayaisonlydoingitbecauseyousaidyouwantedtoattend.Thisisthechance,why
wontyouattend?
Yamadastonechangedtoaharsherone,demandingmetogo.Shedidsaymorethings,but
becauseofthehighfever,Ididntpayattentiontoit.
Well,ifIgointhisstate,Iwillbecausingproblemsforeveryonethere.
Ihangedup.Moritaniinsistedwego.Isaidtoher,Gobyyourself.
Shebecamehysteric.Ifthebothofusdontgo,itlosesallmeaning!
Onceagain,thephone.Thistime,Yamadashowedstrengthinherwords.
Arentyoudoingthesameasalways,testingyourluck?Isitpossiblethatyouareafraidto
knowthetruth?Atthispointintime,theseminarhasalreadystarted.
No,itsnotlikethat.IfIcould,Iwouldbethere.Ihaveafever
Isthatso?Thisisyourlastchance.Doesntmatterifyouarelate,butpleasebehere.
Sheendedthephoneconversationlikethat.Perhapsherobstinatenessinfluencedmealittle.
Surelysheissayingthisformysake.Ithought.Moritanisaidinaharshtone.
Youregoisafraidofthecompletechangethatwillhappeninyourlife!Dontlosetoit,lets
go!
Surprisedbyherbehavior,seeingthatwomandesperatelytryingtoconvinceme,Ithought:
Mybodyfeelsverysick,butImustgo.
Everythingseemedhazytomebecauseofthefever,butIhurriedtogettotheseminar.
Signature,tothedarkworld
Iwasratherlatetotheappointedhourforthemeeting.ItwasatthesameplaceasMasayas
concerthadbeen.Thesamechairsthere,Andaboutadozenpeopleinthere.Thisexplanatory
meetingwasakindofsimulationseminar,wherewewouldlearnwhatkindofpractices
happenedintherealseminar.First,itwasshare,wherewewouldtalkaboutourpastand
experiences,thentalkaboutwhatwefeltinthepresent.Firsttodemonstratethiswas
Morikawa(namehasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity),amanseemingtobeinhisthirties.
MasayacalledhisnameandhesatwhereMasayahadsunginthatpreviousconcert.Hewore
darkframedglasses,hisshortandstoutappearancegavehimanairofindependence.He
woreashabbysuit.Hewassomeonewhodidnotgivemetheimpressionofcleanliness.
IstudiedintheTokyoUniversity,butnomatterhowmanydegreesIhad,mylifewas
empty.IfIdidntstudy,mygrandmotherwouldthreatenmewithaknife.Heproceededto
tellhisexperienceofabuseandcry.Ididsympathizewithhim,butIfeltuncomfortable
abouttellingmyownunfortunatestoryofthepast,weepinginfrontofallpeople.Theother
dozenpeoplepresentallcriedasMorikawatoldhisstory.Thethoughtfromthelastconcert
crossedmymindagain.
(Isntthissomestrangereligion?)
Masayatookthemicrophone.
Yourexperiencemaybedifferent,butdoesntithavethesameelements?Pleasethinkback
ofyourownexperienceasyourhear.
ThenexttosharewasthedentistShirada(namehasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity),he
wasinfortiesandhisfaceresembledFuseAkiras.Thesilverframedglassesmadehimlook
likeadoctor.
Ihadafamilyofpsychiatrists,andIwasafraidthatthepeoplearoundmewouldfinditout.
IwasalsoafraidthattheywouldthinkIwasonetoo,itfrightenedme.Ithoughtthatby
becomingadoctorandhavepeoplecallmedoctorwouldmakemehappy.Withgreat
effort,Ibecameadentist,butIdidnotfindhappinessinthat.
Hetoldus,intears.
AsIheard,Ithought:Thinkingaboutit,Ireallydosympathize.EventhoughXJapanwas
sopopular,itonlybroughtmetroubleswithmoneyandthoseinvolved.IthoughtIwas
happy,butIwasnt.Rather,myworriesonlyincreased
Ifeltmychesttight,thinkingaboutit.Inthedimlylitundergroundroom,aseveryonecried,I
startedtofeelmiserable.
Masayasvoiceechoed.
Doyouhaveanexperiencelikeaninferioritycomplexorsomethingyousufferedin
childhoodthatyoudontwanttotell?Thisisaplaceforeveryonetofeelrelieftellingtheir
story.
(Tellingtheseembarrassingthingsinpublicrequiresalotofstrength)
Iwasimpressed.Andmoreandmore,myinterestintheseminarsincreased.
Afterthat,Masayaexplainedabouttheseminars.Masayasaidthathewouldbethemain
trainer.
Theresadutyofconfidentialityfortrainers,Icantsayanythingmorethanthataboutthe
seminar.Hecouldnttellusustheconcreteaspectsoftheseminars,butheexplainedthatif
wetooktheseminar,Eventually,youllhaveknownthetruth.Youllbeawareofthereason
whyyouwerebornandwhatisyourduty,herepeated.
Whenthetalkended,allattendingwereseparatedingroups.MoritaniandIwereinstructed
tositinasofafurtherfromtheotherpeople.Wewerepresentedaregistrationform,Yamada
toldustofillit.Ifeltastronginclinationtojointheseminar,butIneededconfirmationfrom
myscheduleandbecauseofthefever,myjudgmentwasimpaired.IthoughtthatIwould
waitsometimeandcomebacklater.Moritani,sayingthatshewantedtoparticipate,soon
wrotehernameintheform.
Nearus,Yamadaandotherstaffstronglypersuadedme.
Choosenow.Itsthattraitofyou,nottochoosethingsimmediately.Breakthroughthat
habitnow.
Moritanipressedmeforananswer.
Theresnoreasonforyounottodecidenow.Yourschedulewillberesolvedlater!
Iwasindecisive,thepersuasionofthestaffcontinuedforanhour.Thiswasmyfirst
experienceincoerciontothispoint.
Thatisyourownpattern.Wecanseeitthroughthefaceofthosewhodoit.Areyouliving
infear?Pleasechoosealready.
MorewordsofpersuasioncamefromMoritani.
Ifyoudontattend,nothingwillchange!
Withouthavingaplacetoescape,everythinghazybyfever,Iwrotemynameinthe
registrationpaper.ThenextdayIpaidourregistrationfeestotaling70000Yenperpersonto
thespecificbankaccount.
InmyheartIthought,WhenthedaycomesIdonthavetogo.Butthatsignature,that
couldnotbeundonenow,wasmytickettothedarkworld.
Atlast,seminarparticipation
WhydidIhideitIn27ofSeptember,in1997,thedaytoattendthe3dayIslandSelf
Trainingseminarhadcome.Naturally,IhidthisfromallpeopleIknew,Ihadcomethisfar.
MoritaniopenedthedoorstotheheadquartersofHomeofHeart.Istillhesitated.Moritani
draggedmetherebythearm.WhenIwasabouttotakeoffmyshoes,Ithought:Yeah,I
shouldgobackhome.Iputonmyshoesagain.Seeingmeputtingmyshoeson,Moritani
handedmethelabelmynamewaswrittenon.Iwasinconflictaswhethertogobackhome
orattend.Afterawhilestandingstill,IfollowedMoritaniandwedescendedthestairstothat
undergroundroom.
Leavingourluggageinadeterminedplace,wesatinourdeterminedseats.Thechairswere
thesameasalways,whiteplastic.Dividingbysexthepeoplewhowerethere,exceptme,
therewereabout4othermen.ExceptMoritani,therewereabout5women.Iwouldgetto
knowthemlater,butallmen,exceptme,werestaffofHomeofHeart.Apartfromawoman
wholookedinherfifties,Fukada(namehasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity),allofthe
womenwereHomeofHeartstaff.Inawhiteboard,therewasapaperwiththefollowing,
Thisisatrainingforyoutolookatyourself.
Following,Masayaappeared.
Heworeaalightbrowntracksuitofasoftfabricandaparkaoverit.
Pleasefeelfreetospendthenext10minuteshoweveryouwant.heinformedusand
disappeared.
(Hetoldustodowhateverwewant,huh)
IdidntknowwhatIshoulddo,Iwasnervous.Observingtheothersaroundme,everyone
waslookingdowntothefloor.Theydidntseemtobeopentoconversation,soIsatinthe
sameway.10minuteslater,Masayaappearedonceagain,hestartedtotalk.
Somethinghappenedinthese10minutes,itwasyourlife!Didanyonewonderabouttheir
surroundings?Didanyonebecomeworriedaboutwhathappened?Didanyonefeelanxious
aboutwhattheyshoulddo?Didanyonethinkaboutwhatthiscouldmean?Thatisyourown
life.
Ithought,what?,thatwaskindofwhatIfelt.Allofthelistenerspresentdroppedtheir
shouldersandstartedtoweep.Ifeltastrangething.
(Well,thisseminarisgettinginteresting.)
Itdrewmyinterest.
Then,thefirstthingthatwouldbegin,wastheMeetingPractice.
First,youwillwalkaroundtheroomwithsomeoneelse,insilence.Whenthetwoofyou
meet,withoutreacting,lookatyourself.After,chooseoneofthethreeoptionstodescribe
yourfeelingsandtellyourcompanion.Theoptionsare[easytoapproach][hardto
approach][Iamnotsure].Pleasebegin.
Masayasaidinthemicrophoneandallpresentbegantomove.Iidentifiedalmostallofmy
companionsas[easytoapproach].[Iamnotsure]wasonlyforoneortwoofthem.Iactually
wishedtosay[hardtoapproach]butIpicked[Iamnotsure]instead.Bytheway,almostall
ofthe10orsopeoplepresentcontinuedtoinformmethatIwas[hardtoapproach].Each
timetheytoldmeit,Iwasinshock.ThelastcompanionwasMoritani.Itoldhershewas
[easytoapproach].However,shetoldmethatshe[wasntsure]ofme.Thesewordssunkin
mymind.Ithoughtthatinherheart,Iwassomeonewhoshefeltfamiliarwith.SurelyIwas
thinkingtoomuchofit.ButthewayMoritanisaidit
Masayacontinued.
Wastheresomeonewhoyoudidntwanttoconfrontorpolitelybowtothem?Itmaybethat
youwereafraidofoneofyourcompanionsandwithouteventhinking,youdefended
yourself.Wasthereanyonewholied,tellingtheirpartnerthatthey[didntknow]orthattheir
partnerwas[easytoapproach],whenintruthyouthoughtthatpersonwas[hardto
approach]?Maybeyouwereafraidofhowtheywouldreactifyoutoldthetruth.Didyoutell
othersthattheywere[easytoapproach]becauseyouthinkyouare[easytoapproach]?
Maybeyouweretryingtoflatterthemtohavepositivethingssaidaboutyou.
(Igotit,thatshowitwas.Allmylifeithasbeenlikethat.)
Iwasextremelyadmired,andonceagainmyinterestgrew.
Afterthat,itwastimeforanexplanationofthegrandrules.Itwasalongexplanation,
takingabouttwohours.Aboutbasicthingsthatwehadtopayattentionforwhentakingthe
seminar.Ifellasleephalfwaythroughtheexplanation.Likealways,Masayawasstillclearing
hisnoseandspittingonatissuebetweenminutes.Summarizingthecontents,itwasabout
participating100%,Followallthingsthatthetrainerinstructs,dontrevealtooutsiders
thecontentsoftheseminaramongotherthings.Afterthelongexplanation,Masayaasked
us.
Onwards,pleasechoosewhetheryoullcontinuetoattendtheseminarornot.
Itdidntmattertomeanymoretogohomeatthispoint.Forthosewhowouldnt,their
registrationmoneywouldbepaidback.
Now,Iaskallofyoutostandupandcloseyoureyes.Thosewhowishtocontinueinthe
seminarstaystanding,thosewhodontwishtocontinueintheseminar,pleasesitdown.
Ifeltnopresenceofanyonesittingdown.
Now,letsdothereverse.Thosewhowishtocontinueintheseminar,pleasesitdown.And
thosewhodonotwishtocontinueintheseminar,pleasestandup.
Ihadallwillingnesstocontinueintheseminaratthatpointintime,soIstayedinthegroup
ofthosewhowantedtocontinue.
Verywell,allmemberswillcontinue.Masayasaid,andweproceededtothenexttraining.
Inthetimeofourmeal,thegroupofmensatinacircleonthefloorwiththeprovidedfood
set,talkingaboutthepainfulchildhoodexperiencesoftheotherswhohadpreviouslytalked
abouttheirexperienceintheseminar,andtheirimprovementinlife.Iwasmoreinterested
thanevernow.Oneofthemen,inhisthirties,anacupuncturistwhowouldlaterbemy
assistant,seemedtobeveryindependentwearingasuitandsilverframedglasses,buteven
hetalkedpassionatelyabouttheseminar.
Distortedrecollections
Intheseconddayoftheseminar,webeganShare.Itwasatrainingtospeakinfrontofall
presentaboutsadexperiencesofyourchildhood.Tome,thefirsttimeIhadheardofit,I
thoughtitwasallextremelybadexperiences.Inoneofthestories,thepersonlivedinahouse
intheirchildhoodthathadanancientroommeanttolockupcriminals.There,hisfamily
lockedthepersonsunclewhosufferedofapsychologicaldisorder.Thepersonhadno
choicebuttobeafraidoftheiruncle,andtobeafraidofotherpeoplesuncles.Theylived
everydaywishingthattheirunclewasntthereThatwasoneoftheexperiencessharedwith
us.Masayapraisedthosewhotoldtheirexperiencewithswearwords,tellingthem,Ok,ok,
thatsgood.Ontheotherhand,ifsomeonetoldanusualexperience,hewouldaskthem,
Didntsuchandsuchthinghappen?,Didntyoursiblingsaythisorthat?,Thereisnt
anythingoutstandinginyourstory,soIcantknowyou.heguided.Withhisguidance,the
storiesweredistorted,exaggeratedtoanextremeortragicorientation.
Minewentlikethis.
Inmychildhood,Ihadacomplexbecauseofmybrother,whoachievedmanythings.
Didyousufferanyviolenceorabusefromyoursiblings?
Ididgetslappedintheface,andonetimeIwastrappedinthefutonmattress.
Soyouweretreatedverybadly.Youspentyourlifeinfearofyoursiblingandtriedto
becomeagoodchildtoescapefromthat.Whataboutyourmother?
Shecomplainedalotaboutmyfather.
Didshetellyoutolistentohersoyouwouldntbecomeamansuchasyourfather?
Ah,yes.
Didyoubecomeafamousstarbecauseofthethingsyourmothersaid?
SinceIwasachild,Ididhearfrommymotherthingssuchasshewantedtohavebeen
famouslikeMisoraHibari.
AsItalkedtoMasaya,IstartedtotrulybelievethatIsufferedilltreatmentfrommysiblings
andthatmymotherhadprojectedherwishtobecomefamousinme.
Trainingtokillmyparentsandsiblings
(Note:pleasebeawareofviolenceandgrotesquedescriptioninthisandthefollowing
subchapters)
Thetherapytoexpressallofmygrief,angerandresentmentformyupbringinghadstarted.
Ihadtoimaginearolledmattressonthegroundasmyparentsandsiblingandhitithardwith
anger.AtfirstIcouldntimaginenegativethings.Evenmoresayingnegativethingstomy
parentsandsiblings.Ifeltbadandnauseated.
Masayasaidloudly.
Youlikepositivethings,youlikegoodthings,thatswhyyoucantsayyourtruefeelingsor
negativethings.Youhaveahindrance.Agiantblocking.Thatswhyyoufeelnauseated.
Thatssomethingyourparentplantedinyoutomakeyouobedient.Throwthatawayand
becomefree!Destroyit!
Ifeltselfhatredbecauseofmyweakness.
SurelyIwantedtobeagoodchild.IdidntfightbutitwasntbecauseIwasapacifist,I
hatedeveryonebutwasafraidtogetrevenge.
Theothermeninthegroupapproachedmeandstirredthingsup.
Look,yoursiblingsarecomingtogetyou!
Yourmotheristellingyoutobecomefamous,becomeastar!
Beatthemdownsotheycantmakeyoudowhatyoudontwant!Doitsotheycannever
saythatagain!
Ah!ItsallofdamnyourfaultthatIbecamesuchaweakidiot!Sonofabitch!
SuddenlyIscreamedandfellonmyknees,hittingthefloor.Icouldntseeanythinginmy
anger,andIcouldntstopinsulting,overandover,myparentandsiblings.
Oneofthemenattendingtookmetoaplacethatwasthetherapyroom.Ithadathick,
soundproofdoor.Insidetherewasluggageandotherthings,likesometypeofstorageroom.
Itwasasmallroomwithnowindows,andwhenthedimlightsturnedoff,itbecame
completelydark.Ithadbeenorderedtoputmetherelyingfacedownonthefloormat.Iwas
givenatoyknifefromthemanattending.
Evisceratethatmotherofyours!Shreditalltopieces!Takeoutyoursiblingseyes!Kill
themsothattheycannevercomeback!
Wah!!Die,yousonofabitch,die,die!!
Iscreamedandcriedlikeamadman,spittingallofthathate.
IheardMasayasangryvoicefromthemicrophone,theparticipantsandstaffsscreamsalso
echoed.
Ilostmysenseoftime.Ispentovertwohoursthere,fightingwiththefloormat.Mybody
andmindsurelycollapsedbecauseofthat.
Myrecollectionshadbeenwarpedandstainedwithhate.Soon,myheartwastransformed.
Practicewithviolence=Feedback
DyadofwishesCompletetrainingImaginationMeditationIndianGame.Having
thesepracticesinthesecondday,IthoughtthattheseminarwasgreatandthatMasayawasa
wonderfulperson.Allofthetrainings,menandwomenwereseparated.Ididntknowhow
Moritaniwasdoing,butIcouldhearratherloudscreamsandcrying.Itseemedtobean
assertivetraining.
Wehadapracticecalledfeedback.feedbackwaseventhoughthepureyouiswonderful,
youwillberemindedofhowdifferentyouvebecome.Ifyoudonttrustyourcompanions,
youwontbeabletodoit.
Intheundergroundroom,Iwasthrownintooneofthetherapyrooms,andwouldstaylying
onthefloor,astheotherparticipantssurroundedme,tappingmyshoulderandsometimes
hittingme,screamingclosetomyear,showeredwithviolentwords.
Youwerebeatenbyyoursibling,Idontevenwanttolookatyouintheeyes.Youwanted
fameandstatussomuch,youevenwentasfartobeastarandbecauseofyoursibling,
youvebecomearottenegomaniacman!
Yourmothertoldyoutobecomefamousandhavestatus,andinyourchildhood,youwanted
hertoacknowledgeyou,toloveyouandnottoabandonyou.Youweretricked,youclimbed
tothetopofstarstatusandthepeoplewhosurroundedyoulikefliessaidthatithadvalue,
theyspoiledyou,andthatiswhyyourchingrew,youbecameamonstrouschinman!
Grieveoveryourpitifulself!
Itwaspainful,itwassadbutyouwantedtobeknown!
Eachoftheparticipantssurroundingmehitmeintheback,asIcried,theyshouted.IfI
didntcry,theysaid,Ifyoudontcry,youwonthearwhatwesay,withthatmaniacalego
ofyours,youllhaveturnedintoamonsterofego!
Theystruckmybackwithforceagain.
Thattime,MasayassongLikeabirdflyinginthegreatskyplayedloudly.
Cry!Yourterribleegowillsubside!
Icried,mostlybecauseofextremefear,theirhateandpain.
Thatsright!Acknowledgetheevilpersonthatyouare!
Crymore,grievemore!Grievemore!Youreallyareadeplorableperson!
Masayashoutedonthemicrophone.
Eventhoughyouwereapurechildwhocametoearthtofulfillhisduty,youbelievedthat
youwerethatparentschild,youwereturnedintothatparentsproperty,youlistenedtoyour
parent,youruglyprideandstrongegogrewastheindustryacknowledgedyou,youwere
used,desperatelywantingtobeloved.Grieveoveryourpitifulself!Youareachildofall
things,andtofulfillyourdutywithallthings,youwerebornoutofit.Butyoubelievedin
yourname,youbelievedinsomeonesideaof[good,bad,win,loss],youbelievedinthe
industryssenseofvalueyoudamnbigidiot!
Inadditiontothemaleparticipants,variouswomensurroundedmeandtheyscreamed
hystericallyastheyhitmybackwithforce.
Dontmessaround,youegomaniac!
Youweredisgustingwiththatglitterband,youinferiorman!
Unmistakably,IheardMoritanismadscreamsamongthem.
Youaretheworst,lowestofallegomaniacs,worm!
Withallofthatabuse,alloftheinsults,andalsowithmycriesandscreams,Ilost
consciousness.Everythingbecamewhite.Ididntknowifthiswasadreamofifthiswas
reality.EverythingbecamedistantandIlostsenseoftime.
Evenwiththingsatthislevel,theprologuehadntevenstartedyet.
Cultivatedhatredagainstmyfamily
Itwasthethirddayoftheseminar.IspoketotheotherparticipantsaboutwhatIhadbecame
awareof.
SinceIwasachild,Ihadaninferiorcomplexaboutmybrother,whohadacutefaceand
wasverypopular.Ibecamefrightenedofmyelderbrothersviolence,andtotellthetruth,I
enviedhim.Iwasafraid,andIplayed,superficially,thegoodchild.Then,myotherbrother
wasextremelyintelligent,anditmademehaveacomplexaswell.Afraidoftheirviolence,I
pretendedtobetheobedientchild,butIwasalsoenviousofmybrother.Theybulliedme,
callingmetrash.IoftenwonderedifIwasanunwantedchild.Ialsoheardoftenfrommy
motherthatshewantedthethirdchildtobeagirl.Alwaysinfear,Iactedlikeagirlsothat
myparentswouldntabandonme.IdidntchoosethepathofmusicbecauseIlikedit,but
becauseIsoughtmymothersapprovalinbeingfamoussothatmylifecouldbevalid.I
wantedtorunawayfromthepaininmyheart,soIchosethewaythatwouldmakemy
motherlikeme.Sincemyinfancy,Iwasafraidofpeoplesvalues,soIalwayslived
analyzingmymotherandsiblingsexpressions.Idislikedmyuninterestingfatherwhowasa
civilservant.Ihatedmyuglyfacewiththislargechin.Iwasafraidofbullyingandpeople
makingfunofme,sobyfollowingmymotherswishtobefamousintheentertainment
world,Iwouldwinfrommybrothers,Iwouldbeacknowledgebymymotherandnoone
wouldmakefunofme.Ithoughtthatthiswouldbringhappinesstome,thatIwouldlivelike
this.Buteventurningthetablesonmyinferioritycomplex,becomingfamous,havingthe
statusofstarandhavingmoneywerentenoughtomakemehappy.Ionlyhadtroubles,andI
pretendedtobeastarsuperficially,puttingonafakegoodface.Itwasverypainfuland
difficult.Iwasafraidtosaysomethingthatwouldgiveitout.Whateverotherpositionor
recognitionorhowevermuchmoneyImade,Icouldntbehappy.IrealizedthatIonlywant
tohelptheearthandhelpchildren.
Astearsstreameddownmyface,Isaidallofthesewords.
InevitabledoomconcealedbehindExaltationandDeepEmotion
Thenextseminarpracticeconsistedtopickawordthatwouldsummarizehowtolivefrom
thismomentonwards.ItwascalledNameofLife.
MyanswerwasLove.
Afteramomentinsilence,Masayagrumbled.
LovewasalsothewordthatmybelovedMatsudaNoriepickedItispossiblethatsheis
guidingToshi
(Huh,isthatso)
Ifeltmyfateinthiscoincidence.AndIbecameworriedaboutMasaya.Masayasfollowing
wordsofguidanceproclaimedthatIwasgoingtohelpbuildaworldwherechildrencould
livesmiling.Withthat,NameofLifewasover.
Untilnow,mylifewaswrong.
Ihaveasuchuglystrongpride(ego),butnowIllliveaccordingtomy[nameoflife]
Illneverreturntothathellishlife
Imlivinganewlifenow,Iwasreborn
Ifeltveryuplifted.
Lastly,wehadagraduation.Allofusstoodwithflowerbouquets.
IthoughtthatMasayawouldbetheonewhowouldbethere,butinhisplace,stoodawoman
whowasoneofhissuperiormanagers,Suzuta(namehasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity).
Ofcourse,liketheotherstaffmembers,shehadlongstraighthairandnomakeupatall.She
wasshortandworesilverframedglassesandlookedtobeinherthirties.Shewasmovedand
wemutuallyshedtears.IwaseventhankfultothepatientMoritaniwhobroughtmehere.
Fullofemotionandmotivation,theseminarhadfinished.
Cursed,achainofseminars
Astheseminarhadfinished,theHomeofHeartstaffmembersYamadaandShimizu(name
hasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity)askedmeaboutmyimpressions,infrontofmyeyes,
suddenly,theyheldoutasheetofpaper.ItwaswrittenRegistrationforCreationTraining'.
What,again?
Ididntknowthatsoontherewouldbeanotherseminar,Iwassurprised.Therewouldbea90
dayperiodofseminars.Theattendancedaywassoonchosen.Aftertakingthefirstseminar,I
didthinkthatsomethinghadchangedinme.IdidthinkthatIshouldattendanother.But90
dayswasjustreckless.Inthatinterval,IwouldhavetogotoHomeofHeartmanytimesin
theweek.Ihadmanycommitmentswithmysolocareer,inmypositionIthoughtitwouldbe
impossible.
Ihavetotakealookatmyschedule,IwillcontactyouwhenIgethome.
Irefused.But,havingrefused,soonYamadascoldedme.
Againwiththatpatternofyours,youshouldbecareful.Isyouregoistworkmoreimportant
thanknowingthetruth?
Moritani,whosatnexttome,stretchedout.
Ifyoudontcontinue,itllloseallmeaning!Ifyoudontdecidenow,itllbelikebefore!
Toshi,youllattend!
Shimizucontinued:Youjustattendedaseminarmeanttotakethatweaknessoutofyou.If
youreturntotheworldoutside,everythingwillreturntohowitwasbefore,isthatfinewith
you?!Thistrainingwasstartedagainbecauseyoutrulydrewittoyourself!
Withthelingeringmemoryoftheseminar,itseemedtomethatmylifebeforetakingthe
seminarwasdisastrous,aterrifyinghell.
(IfIcan,Idontwanttogobacktothesedifficultdays)
Theelementsofanxietyweremany,butwithtensionfrommysurroundings,Isignedthe
registration,andfilledtheformsforbankdepositpaymentforthe90dayperiod.Theprice
forbothofuswasaround30000Yen.Afterthat,MasayatoldmethatIneededtohavemore
therapy,soIwenttotherapy.ThatwasextremetorturebecauseIwashesitanttoattend
thenextseminar.
Nomatterhowgoodenergyyougetfromattendingtheseminar,youkeephaving
egomaniacsaroundyou!Ifyourparentandyoursiblingsbringyouback,yourlifewillreturn
tobeinghell!Ifyouattendtheseminaryouwillknowifyouwillreturntothathellishlifeor
not!Justalreadykillthatparentandthosesiblingswhomadeyoubecomesuchacoward!
Thetherapycontinuedformanyhours,andI,dizzy,returnedhomelateatnight.
Carrotandstickapproach*,Brainwashingbegins
Fromthatday,IgotcontactedbyHomeofHearteveryday.Immediately,afaxfromHome
ofHeartarrived,abouttheseminarcontinuation.TheysentmethelyricsfortwoofMasayas
songs,MayyouchooseloveandLikeabirdflyinginthegreatsky.Inhishandwriting,
Masayawrote:Tothetrueleaderofthefuture.
IreceivedaphonecallfromHomeofHeart.
MashaMasha(Masaya)saidthatyouhavepermissiontosingthesesongs.Itsaspecial
permission.
Iwasgenuinelyhappy.ButIfeltdepressedabouttheupcomingseminars.Moritanisaidto
me.
Maybehehasexpectationsofyou.Youhavetotaketheseminarsinordertobecome
someonewhocansingtruehealingsongs.Thatsgreat!YoullsingMashaMashassongs!
Moritaniwasjumpingwithhappiness.Sincehermetamorphosefromthetimeoffeedback,
Ireallythoughtthatshewasdoingitforme.
Thefeedbackwasthestick,butthiswasthecarrot.Ihadnoideathatthemind
control(brainwashing)hadalreadytakenplace.
[*:Carrotandstickisamethodofpsychologicalmanipulationcombiningarewardwith
punishments.Itsnotguaranteediftherewardisevergiven.]
Laborexploitation,aforcedsolicitation
Thefollowingseminarcontentsconsistedofaskingtoinviteasmanypeople(thiswascalled
enroll)tothefirstseminarIparticipated,IslandSelfTraining.
Excludingme,alloftheparticipantswereHomeofHeartstaff.Ihadtoannouncehowmany
peopleandpromise(thiswascalledcommit)thatIwouldbringthem.Thiswasthe90day
periodtraining.ButeachtimeintheweekthattherewasameetinginHomeofHeart,itwas
neededtoreportthecurrentsituationofyourachievement.
(WhymustIinvitepeople?Illrevealinformationtooutsiders.Whatwillhappenifsomeone
famouslikemedoesit?)
Immensefearstruckme.OnceagainIregrethavingcometothisplace.Theother
participantshadaimedfor5to10people.Itoo,hadpromisedtoenroll10orsopeople.But,
Masayadidnotapproveofthat.
Ihaveenrolledhundredsofpeople.Withyouregomaniacmusic,youcouldfilltheTokyo
Domewith50,000peopleandnowyoucantworkforthetruth?!
HemadethecomparisontoXJapan,andonceagain,Iwentthroughtheviolenceandabuse
offeedback.ThethestaffmembersShirota(namehasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity)and
Komiya(namehasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity)said.
Youweretheoriginatorsofthatrepulsivevisualrock!
Youreascoundrelwhopervertedyoungpeople!
Then,itwasMoritani.
Yousayyouwanttosavepeople,theleastyoucandoishavethemattendtheseminar!Why
cantyoudothisright?!
Theabusecontinued,theyforcefullyhitmeintheback.No,itsnotlikethat,Itriedto
denytheirintentionofabuse,thenoneofthesuperiorstaff,Sato(namehasbeenchangedto
protectidentity),shoutedhysterically.
Thereasonwhyyourshoulderisthisstiffisbecauseyouhavearesistance,sayingthatits
notlikethat!Youreamonster!
Sheviolentlystruckmeintheboneofmyshoulder.Istillresisted.
(Damn!Itsnotlikethat,really!Itsnotmydamnfault!)
Thistime,Moritaniscreamedhysterically.
Yourestillresisting?Givemeabreak,egomaniac!Youregoissostrongyoullneverbe
abletoacknowledgeyourerrors,youdeviant!
IcouldnthidemyshockathowMoritanishoutedwithextremeangerandherviolence.
Feedbackwasmeanttobeapracticeofadvice,butgradually,theterrorofgoingthrough
feedbacktookovermymindandbody.
EventhoughinmymindIknewitwasimpossible,infearofviolenceandabuse,Ipromised
toenrollthousandsofpeopleintotheseminar.
Sharethis:
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MAY21ST,2015 22COMMENTS YASASHIIKISU
22thoughtsonBrainwashing12yearsofhell1
aka_hanasays:
August25,2014at2:44am
Thankyouverymuch.
Bytheway,mayIuseyourtranslationtotranslateintoVietnamese?
Reply
Juriasays:
August27,2014at8:10pm
Pleasecreditoursiteinyourtranslation.Thankyouforyour
comment!
Reply
2. Pingback:
Lavagede
cerveau:retourlavieaprsdouzeansdenfer.|toshibio
Valrsays:
Thanksalot!!!Verygreatwork!!
Reply
katsays:
wow:'(itsdifficulttoreadsuchbadexperiences!thankyouforsharing
yourtranslationspleasekeepuptheamazingwork
Reply
MC89says:
Thankyouforthetranslation!Icantwaittoreadtherest.
Reply
Sanorinsays:
Thankyouforthetranslations!ItsverysadtoreadwhatToshihadtogo
through.Ilookforwardtothenextchapters!
Reply
Nor4dsays:
Thankyoufortranslation.Thisisunimaginable.Ifeelsosadforhimand
gladthathecanescapefromthisevilatlast.Nowlookingforwardtothe
nextchapters!
Reply
Gotchasays:
Thankyousomuchforsharingthis.Toshiwentthroughsomescarystuff
veryhardtoread!
ImveryinterestedinlearningwhathappenedwhenXJapanreturned,what
kindofarrangementwasmadewithMasaya(IfXJapanwasevil,whatkind
oflieswouldhetellToshithen?),thetruthaboutTEARTH,andhowToshi
finallysnappedoutofthemindcontrol.Hopefullyallofthisisaddressedin
thebookaswell.
AsafanofToshi,Ireallyworryaboutallthebadthingsthathavehappened
tohim.Ijusthopehecaneventuallyfindhistrueselfandbehappy,without
havingtocatertootherpeopleswishes,nomatterifitsMasaya,his(ex
)wifeorevenYoshiki.IreallyloveXJapan,butitsimplyisntworthitif
themembersarenthappywiththepathstheyreon.Wereallydontwant
anyoneelsefollowingthepathofhideandTaiji,whogavetheirlifesa
prematureend.
Thanksagainforyourgoodwork,cantwaittoreadtherest.
Reply
Carddasssays:
September9,2014at12:33am
Wow,thanksforthistranslation.Toshisaccountoftheseeventsisshocking
andsadtoread.Ireallyhopehehasrecoveredfromallofit.AndIhope
MasayaandHoHhasreallyhasfallenapartfromToshisrevelationstothe
public.
ItsfunnythatMasayasofficialyoutubepageshowshimperforming
becauseToshihadsufferedmedicalproblemsandcouldntbetherethatday.
MasayaevensaysthefollowingIheardhimtalkabouthispainful
memoriesinhischildhood,pains,sadnessandsoon,andIwrotelyricsfor
him.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=NCFxbYXcvyY&list=PLE58B0EE9E7907E31
Wow,thstranslaton
Reply
Scottsays:
September19,2014at4:54am
youdidnicejob,keepitup!cantwaittoreadtherestofthebook,thank
yousomuch!
Reply
Glorasays:
September26,2014at12:41pm
thisisanamazingread!Ihavewantedtohearhisstoryforawhileandyour
translationisjustwonderful.Withoutaddinganypressure.Whencanwe
expectthenextchapters?Imsodesperatetoreadmore.
Reply
12. Pingback:XJapanleavethedramaonstageatMadisonSquareGarden
K.Ohkubosays:
October17,2014at9:13pm
Reply
nenesays:
November13,2014at8:48pm
couldupleasetellmethenameofthecult?
Reply
Bunnysays:
ThecultToshIwaspartofwascalledHomeofHeart/
ledbyMasaya.Althoughhehasmanydifferent
cultsactually.HealsogoesbythenameMarthandhas
variousthingsunderhisnewHEALINGco.
Thissitesfirstthreesectionshavelinksaffiliatedwith
Masayaspreviousandcurrentworks:
http://www.htphtp.com/htplinks/referencelinks.htm
Reply
Michelesays:
November18,2014at3:25am
Thankyousomuchforthetranslation.Icannotwaittoreadthesecond
chapterandalltheotherstocome.Itissoverykindofyoutodothisforthe
Xfans.
Reply
Sarahsays:
April22,2015at12:47am
Thankusomuchforthistranslation!
Damn,IalwaysfeltthattheToshiatthestageofXwaslikenot100%
havingfunToreadallofitispainful.
Asafanofhim,Imgladhefinallysnappedoutofit!
Also,almostcriedattheparthewasarguingwithhide:,,,(
Reply
cherrysays:
May7,2015at3:49pm
thankyousosoooosoooooomuchfortranslatingthis
ImanewbieinxjapanfandominfactIjustjoinedthefandomabout2
monthsago!
nthisthisistheworstthingIveeverseeninafandom
Imspeechlessliterallyspeechless
Reply
Nimsays:
May17,2015at1:49am
Thanksalotforthetranslation.NowIhavemorereasontoloveToshl
Reply
Gailsays:
IhavebeenthroughsomeofthesamethingsmyselfandneverthoughtI
wouldbeabletocopeonmyownbutthroughlivingonmyown(nottotally
asIhavechildren)whoareallgrownupnowbutIdidnthaveanyhelp
raisingthem.Wehelpedeachother.Wefindithardtotrustafterthingslike
thisbutmychildrenweremystrength.Yoshikiwillalwaysbethereforyou
Toshi!Peopleuseothersforfinancialgainespeciallywhenyouarefamous.
Butevenwhenyouhavenothing.Ifyouhaveagenuinegiving,caringheart,
peoplewillstilluseyouforthatbutthetakerswilldragyoudownuntilyou
dontevenknowyourselfanymore.ThroughgoingitaloneIfoundmy
strengthisgreaterthanIrealized.Moneyandmaterialthingsmeannothing
tome.WhatmattersismyfamilythatIcantrust.ButmostlyIlistentomy
heartanditisnotoftenwrong.XJapanarenotonlyamazingmusiciansbut
amazingpeople.Toshi!Alwaystrustinyourheart.Xx
Reply
Gailsays:
Iloveallthatbandforthepeopletheyare!Theyhavehadsomerealhard
timesbutalwaysfoundthestrengthtopickupthemselvesandcarryon
makingamazingmusic.Ihavehadpeoplesaybeforesomesongswereonly
inJapanesehowcanyouknowwhattheyaresingingwellno!Idont
speakJapanesebutifyoureallylistenyoucanfeelwhattheyaresinging
aboutandmusicisverymuchlikeBallet.MyDaughterandSoninlawwent
toseeXJapanthisyearandwillbegoingagain.Theytoldmethattheonly
thingthatannoyedthemwasthewaytheorganizersworkeditwithastupid
queuingsystemwhichmeanttheymissedalotoftheshow.BlessYoshiki,
heapologizedforsomethingthatwasnothisfaultandIreallyhopethatthe
bandplayatShepherdsbushthisyearandthatImaybeluckyenoughtogo.
XJapanarethebandIplayeverynightanditrelaxesmesomuchasIhave
troublesleeping.Ilistenduringdaytoo.Mostpeopledontevenrealizehow
muchmusictheyhavealldonebetweenthem.Loveyouguysandifever
youendupinmyTowndontbotherbookinghotel.Youcancrashatmy
place.Lol.Xx
Reply
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Beforeproceedingtothesecondchapter,Iwanttothankallofthecomments.Ireadeachof
themandImgladthateveryoneisenjoyingthebook,eventhoughitisasadsubject.
Ikindlyaskyounottorepostthisanywhere,insteadlinkthispage.
Likealways,donthesitatetoaskmeanyquestions!
Pleasebeawareofviolenceandgrotesquedescriptioninthischapter.
Immersedinthedarkestdarkness
Seeingmyfamilyandothersaroundmeasenemies,Ialsostartedtoviewthemusicbusiness
inthesamelight.Inrapidprogression,Ibecameverynegative.AlittlebeforewhenIstarted
theseminar,inJulyof1997,IworkedonaCDandconcertprojectswithviolinistHakase
Taro.ButIalsoreceivedextremecriticismfromMasayaandMoritani.
Youdressinguplikethatissoawful.Untilwhendoyouplantocontinuedoingsuch
disgustingthings?Youmonstrouschinman!
(Afterall,someoneofsuchstrongegolikemecannotsingsongsinservicefortheworld,Ill
justbesomekindofcriminalandfallintohell.SomeonewithasubsidedegolikeMasaya
cancontributetotheworldbeautifullywithhissongs.)
ItwasdeeplyingrainedinmymindthatMasayawastheoneIshouldworship.
(IwanttobecomeagenuineHealingartistlikeMasaya,andforthat,Ishouldattendthe
seminarproperlytohavemyegosubside.)
Ithought,too.
AfterItooktheseminar,halfwayduringtherecordingwithHakase,Iwentthrougha
completetransformation.IrewroteallofthelyricsIpreviouslywrote,andrequestedthe
otherlyriciststorewritetheothersongs.EverythingwasrewrittenbecauseoftheseminarI
took.Thecompositionandlyricsforthesong(GoodBye)hadthe
implicationthatIwassayinggoodbyetomypastandandthemajorrecordingworld.
Withdrawalfromtheseminar
InOctoberof1997,Ireceivedwordsofcautionfrommybrotheraboutmydutytoinvite
otherstotheseminar.
Theresbeenareportclaimingthatyouarebeingbrainwashed,thatyoureinvolvedwitha
brainwashingcult.Ifthatreportgetspublished,itllbebigtrouble.Isittrue?
Ididntjoinanyreligion,andImnotbeingbrainwashed,atall.
Theyalsosaythatyoubecameanadvertisementforthatcult,andyoureinvitingpeopleto
thecult.Whatsthatabout?
Imnotinvitinganyone.Imjustrecommendingittosomefriendsbecausegoodthings
happenedtome.
Whataboutgettingyourfansinvolved?Pleasetrytounderstandthisfrommypointof
view!
Ididntsayanythingtothefans.
Iftheseclaimsgetoutthere,itwillhaveahugeimpactonyourartisticlife!
Itsnottrue,soiftheywanttowriteaboutthat,thentheyrefreeto.ItsnotlikeImdoing
anythingwrong,howaboutlettingthemwritealltheywantto?
Ifthisgetspublished,wontitthencausetroublesforMasayaandtheothers?

YourprojectwithHakasewillbereleasedsoon,nottosaythatitsabigtieupwitha
cosmeticscompany.Thecompaniesinvolvedhavehighexpectationsofthisproject.Ifthis
turnsintoascandal,youllhavetopayahighpriceinreparations!
IlostanyresponseIcouldsay.Ifthisbecameascandal,itwouldbeverytroublesomefor
MasayaandHomeofHeart.AndifIcontinuedwiththeinvitations,theresnodoubtabigger
problemwouldarise.
OneofHomeofHeartsmalestaffhadaplanformetoinvitethethousandsofpeopleI
compromisedto.Yougatheryourfansataconcertandinvitethem.
Iwasworriedaboutthisplan.
Iwasreluctant,butsaidtomybrother.
ImnotgoingtoHomeofHeartanymore.IhavenothingmoretodowithMasaya.
IsentafaxaddressedtoMasaya.
Inordernottocausetroubles,Iamleavingtheseminarforsometime.
Asfortheanswer,IwascontactedbyHomeofHeart.MasayasaysOK.
Iwasveryanxious,thinkingthattheywouldcallmetojointheseminaragain,butIwas
surprisedwiththeresponse.Somewhereinmymind,Ialsofeltrelieffromdiscontinuingthe
seminar.Eventhough,Iquittheseminar,yet,Moritani,whoattendediteveryday,would
makeitsoIdidntmissanything.Itwasverylikeattendingtheseminarafterall.When
Moritanireturnedhomefromtheseminar,shewoulddoitjustlikeintheseminar.Inour
livingroom,shewouldmakemekneelonthefloorandrepeattheviolenceandabuse.The
abusivewordstowardsmybrother,whomademequittheseminar,wereparticularlyvery
violent.
Yourdamnbrotherwantsyourartisticrights,andforthat,hewontletyoudowhatyou
reallywant,hesgoingtoexploityou!Hesdangerousassomeonefromthemafia,that
egomaniacperson!Youreafraidofyourbrother,youresoafraidofsociety,youjustdo
whattheytellyoutodo!Nottakingtheseminar,yourlifewillonlygobacktothehellitwas,
pitifulegomaniac!
Moritanisabusivewordagainstmybrotherhadtheireffectonme,myhatredformybrother
grewevenmore.
Ifyoudontcontinuetakingtheseminar,youllonlyfalldeadinthathell!Itonlyservesyou
right!
Ionlybecamemoreandmoreafraidoffallingbackintomyhellishlife,ifIdidnttakethe
seminar.Notbeingabletoattendtheseminaroutofmyownwill,withMoritanialwaysby
myside,Icouldnotdistancemyselffromtheworldofseminars.
Thelastescaperouteclosed
NotthreeweekssinceIsentafaxwithmyresignationtotheseminar,Moritanisaid.
LetsgojustoncetoHomeofHeart.Becausetheysaidwecouldjustdropbytohang
aroundImean,wedonthavetotaketheseminar,buteveryoneisworried,sowecould
visitjusttosayhi?
Atthispointintime,myrelationshipinworkwithmybrother(manager)andthesurrounding
staffpeoplewassodire,thatIcouldnttalktothem.Ihadnoemotionalreliance,and
eventually,IwenttoHomeofHeart.Sittingonthefloorofthebasementroomtogetherwith
theHomeofHeartstaffpeople,wetalked.Masayathenappearedcomingdownfromthe
stairs.Takenaback,Istoodupandloweredmyhead.
ImsorryaboutthetroubleIcausedyou.
Thisisyourhome,youcancomebackanytime
WithMasayaskindwords,atmyside,Moritaniwailed.Ialsoshedsometears.
Iknewthattherewouldbenoreturn,andmylastescaperoute,mybrother,wouldshutdown.
Thestartofbizarreexploitation
Onemonthaftermyproposaltoleavetheseminar,reportsofthescandalhadntleakedtothe
mediayet.IcouldsafelyreleaseanewsongwithHakaseTaro,andthatsongwas
continuouslyusedforacosmeticsproductscommercials.
Thatsblackmailfromyourbrother.Moritanisaid.Then,shealsotoldme.
Masayasaidthatwecanstartagaintheseminarweleftbehindinthemiddle,Creation
Training.Hesaysthatinordertoavoidtrouble,thistimeyoudonthavetoinviteanyone.
Soletsmakethisasecretfromyourbrotherandothers.
Onceagain,IbegantheCreationTrainingfromstart.AfterIpaidonceagainthefeesfor
theseminar,the90dayperiodtrainingstarted.
ItbroughtmepeaceofmindthatIwasbasicallyprohibitedofinvitinganyone.Yet,thiswas
onlythebeginningoftheendlessbrainwashing.Inrapidsuccession,thefollowingseminar
trainingsstarted.
IslandSelfTraining
MasterTraining
CreationMeeting
Masayalecturesession
Masayaradiorecording
TrainingforthereadingofMasayasrecommendedbookSuperMind'
BraverTraining
AwakeningTraining
MoneyTraining
Andsoon,havingtopayseveralhundredsofthousandYen,IfrequentlyvisitedHomeof
Heartfortheseseminartrainingsofvariousnamesthatincreasedalmosteverynight.
Thesetrainingshadeachadifferentname,butintheend,allofthemconsistedofabuseand
violence.Tome,Masayabecamethesupremeruler.Daybyday,themindcontrolbecame
stronger.
Alongwiththeseminars,manyparallelproductswerereleasedandIpurchasedalmostallof
them,twoofeachforMoritaniandI.
Masayalecturetape
Masayalecturevideo
Masayaradiotape
MasayaCD
Masayascollectionofphotography
CopiesofMatsudaNoriespaintings
PostcardsofMatsudaNoriesart
Thesethingswereallplacedasonepartoftheseminar.Tensofthousandsbecameseveral
hundredthousandYenthatIpaidtoHomeofHeart.
Sealofblood
WhenIreturnedtotheseminar,MasayaandMoritanibecameincreasinglyviolentintheir
abusebecauseIcouldntendmyrelationshipwithmybrother.
Masayascoldedme.
Justgetridofthatbrotherofyoursquickly!Illgetthephoneandyoutellhimthatnow!
Mybrotherwouldntpickupthephone,soallkindsofverbalabusewereleftonthe
answeringmachinemessagetohim.
Afewdayslater,Imetwithmybrothertotellhimabouthisresigning.
Iwasleftfeelingsorry,becausethiswasmybrotherwholefteverythingbehindtobecome
mymanagerandhelpmeintimesoftrouble.Iaskedfellowmanageracquaintancestoput
himonamagazineorhirehimintotheirownoffices.Then,Imetmybrotherinateahouse
neartoEbisustation,preparingmyselftotellhim.
Illbemyownofficesrepresentative,sopleaseresign.
Allright.ButfirstIhavetoseethatallisingoodorder.hereadilyanswered.
Severaldaysafter,wemetagainlateatnightinmyoffice,theremyshowedmeadocument
tosign.
Pleasesignthis.
Itonlyhitmyeyesquickly,Ididntreallyseewhatwaswrittenthere.JustbeforeIwentto
theofficeinEbisu,IwasintheMinamiasacityheadquartersofHomeofHeart,whereinthe
undergroundroom,IreceivedmoreviolenceandabusefromMasayaandMoritani,Icried
hard,andmyconsciousnessbecameblurred.InthatstateIproceeded.Attheoffice,wehada
meetinginaconfinedpartitionspace.There,mybrothersatfacingarectangulargraytable.
Here,wellsealthiswithblood.
Hesaid,andthrewacutterknifeinmydirection.Withthesoundofitfalling,Ireturnedto
mysensesandinstantlybecamefrightened.
IhavetoendthisquicklyinamomentandgetawayfromhereIthought.
Flustered,Iwrotemynameonthedocument,andholdingtheknifeinmylefthand,right
awayIdrovetheknifesedgeintothefleshofmythumb.
Thedeepredbloodstartedtocomeoutindrops.Ipressedthatfingerintothedocument.The
dullpaininmyfingertipmovedfast.
Raisinghisvoicealittle,mybrothersaid.
Isthatreallyfinewithyou?
AfterInoddedinconsent,lookingdown,mybrotheralsosignedhisname,cuthisfingerand
pressedhissealofbloodundermyown.
Inthenextday,IshowedthisdocumenttoMasaya.
Sothesearetheidioticcontents?Youagreedtothisandyouwontgetanymoneyfor
yourselfnow.Tearthisdocumentanddiscardit.
ThecontentsofthedocumentstatedthatallthemoneyfromtherightsofXJapanwouldgo
tomybrother,andallthederivationmoneywouldalsogotomybrother.Themoneyfrom
mysolocareernowonwouldbedivided.About20%ofitwouldgotomybrotherandabout
another20%would,surprisingly,gotomymother.MybrotheralsothoughtthatIwouldnot
signthisdocument.
Then,Masayasaid.
Insteadofgettingridofthisdocument,tellyourbrotherthatyoullcontinuetoworkwith
him.Masayachangedhistonetoahigherpitch,andIbecameconfused.
(Masayamusthaveprofoundlythoughtaboutthis,somuchthatasimpletonlikemecould
notunderstandit)
After,Itoldmybrother.
Pleaseturnthisdocumentback.Istillwanttoworkwithyoufromnowon.
Mybrothersaidinreply.
Icanreturnthedocument,Icanstillworkwithyou,butpleasedonotassociatewith
MasayaorHomeofHeartanymore,promisethistome.
MybrotherinstructedmetocommunicatetoMoritani,sothatshecouldinformMasaya,that
Yourbrother(inlaw)saysthatfromnowonIhavenorelationinanythinghavingtodowith
MasayaorHomeofHeart.
Exchangeofmoneyandenergy
Masayaslecture,Moneyistheexchangeofenergywasdeeplyrootedinmymindafterthe
abusiveandviolentactions(feedback).
ApersonwithsubsidedpridelikeMasayausesmoneybeautifully,tocreateandprovide
thingsinfavoroftheworld.
Anegoistlikemeusesmoneyforthedestructionoftheworld.LettingMasayausemoneyis
agooddeedfortheworld.HavingotherpeoplebuyMasayasmusicandproductwillalsobe
agooddeedfortheworld.
Theyearof1997hadended,andsinceIhadmarriedMoritaniinFebruary,intheshorttime
of10months,mylifehadturnedcompletelytoanotherdirection.Myincomeofroyaltiesand
wagesofseveralhundredthousandYenhadalmostentirelygonetoHomeofHeart.WhenI
realized,mymoneyonhandwasverylow.Then,MoritanispentmanynightsatHomeof
Heartbecauselivingwithanegoistlikemewasahindranceinhertraining.Masaya,atthe
HomeofHeartfacility,livedtogetherwithapproximately20women(includingminorsand
infants).ThemalestaffpeoplelivedinthesmallroomofanapartmentinGotanda,
Shinagawa.IlivedwithMoritaniinahousewerentedwhenwemarriedlocatedinSetagaya.
Ithad4roomsand3stories.Ilivedmostlyalone,believingMoritanisefforttoattendthe
trainings.Moritani,whoattendedtheseminarlongerthanIdidandparticipatedeveryday,of
coursewasahonorstudent.Collectingmymoney,deliveringtheviolenceandabusetome,
shebecamevigilantofmyactionsforthem.
Hauntedbytheirwords
December31,1997.IwenttoXJapansbreakupconcert.
InAprilofthatyear,Iaskedtoleavethband,inSeptember,XJapanannouncedtheirbreak
up.Honestly,Ididnotwanttodothisconcert,butIwascalledbyXJapansmanagementto
perform.
Severaldaysbeforetheconcert,manytimesthemembersofXJapangatheredinthestudio
torehearse.Sinceaskingtoleavetheband,ithadbeenawhilesinceIsawthem,butwe
didntexchangemanywords.Atthattime,Iwasattendingaseminarthatwouldtake
approximately6days,fromtheendoftheyeartothenewyear,calledMasterTraining.
Abeginnerlikeyouisnotallowedtotakethistraining.Thisisatrainingforexperienced
peopletolearntheessenceoftheseminar.ButMasayasaysthatyouregivenaspecial
permissiontoattendit.
ThedaythattrainingstartsisthedayIhavetoperformwithXJapanattheTokyoDome.I
cantattend.
Iendedthephonecallangry,hearingfromHomeofHeartsmanagementabouttheseminar.
Atthesametime,IheardstrongabusivewordsfromMoritani,butintheend,Iwasgiven
specialpermissiontogototherehearsalsandtheconcert.Ididnotattendthattraining.
Then,thedayoftheconcert.
9inthemorning.AtHomeofHeartsheadquarters,inthebasementroom,forthreehours,I
receivedparticularlyviolentabuseandbeatings.Cryingandscreaming,Ihadnosinging
voiceleft.Ialsolostconsciousness.
Onthewaytothevenue,inthecar,Irealizedthatthisconcertwouldbebroadcastliveon
TV.MasayaandMoritanisaidtome.WellbewatchingtheTV.
(WhatkindoffaceshouldIhavewhenIgoonthestage?Icantsayanythingunnecessaryon
stage.)Ithought.
MorethantheunpleasantatmospherewithYoshikiandthemembers,IworriedaboutMasaya
andMoritanisreactions.
5:30intheafternoon,startoftheshow.
TheTokyoDomewasdark,andthesongforthemembersentranceonstage,Amethystby
Yoshiki,playedloudly.Theloudcheersfromtheenthusiasticfansfilledmyearscompletely.
ButitfadedasMasayaandMoritanisvoicesechoedinmymind.
Thatvisualrock,XJapan,areadisgustinggroupincontrol!Theyaretheincarnationof
evil!
WhentheintroofRustyNailplayed,withanexplosivesound,fireworkssparkedinthe
sky,thebandsperformancestarted.Yoshiki,likealways,playedthedrumswithhisall,
Hide,likealways,playedhisguitarmagnificently.SuddenlyIcalmeddown,andwithout
thinkingtoomuch,Iyelled.
Letsgo!!
ThelastgiftfromHide
Whenthefirstsongended,Ilostmywords,notsureofwhatIshouldsay.
WelcometoXJapanslastlive
WhenIfinallythoughtofthesewords,Ilostanyfurtherwords.Then,IheardMasayaand
Moritanisvoices.
Youkeepgettingspoiledbythosehyenalikefans,makingindecentfaces,youworm!
Inthatmoment,Yoshikibeatthedrumswithforce.
Withoutthinking,Iyelled.
Putyourallintoit!!
Afterafewsongs,Ihadtotalktotheaudienceagain.Ihadablockage,Ididntknowwhatto
say.Onceagain,thesevoiceshauntedme.
Acriminallikeyouisleadingahellishlife
Atthatmoment,Hide,theguitarist,approachedme.Hisbrightredhairreflectedonthe
glossyredoutfit.
Holdingthepopdesignguitarofredhearts,heshoutedsomethingtome.Hegesturedwith
bigmovementsofhishands.
Hisshoutssoonvanishedbecauseofthenoise,butIcouldfaintlyhearthem.
Toshi,enthusiasm!Enthusiasm!
Hehadalotofmakeupon,buthestillhadthecharacteristicpoutingsmile.
IntheeightmonthssinceIaskedtoleavetheband,Ididnottalktoanyofthemembers.At
therehearsalafewdaysbeforetheconcert,Icouldntevenlookatthemintheeyes.Atthe
stage,Icouldntalsolookattheenthusiasticfans.Ifeltisolated.Ifeltguilt.Myheartsaid
thatthiswasforthebest.Ihadmanymixedfeelings.Andthen,Iwashauntedbythememory
ofMasayaandMoritanisabuseandviolence.
ButHide,inthatmoment,mademeshakeoffallofthesethings.
TothepackedTokyoDome,tothemembers,andtomyself,Ishouted!
Letsmakethisperfectlybeautifulwithnoregrets!Thetimetodothisisnow!!
IwaschildhoodfriendswithYoshiki.IspentmanyyearstogetherwithHideandtheother
members,livingourdream.IthoughtthatIatleastshouldhavefunforthelasttime,withmy
friendsandthefans.
Hideswordstomewerethebest,butthelastgifttome.Thiscommunicationoffewwords,
inthatinstant,wouldalsobeoureternalgoodbye.Fivemonthsafterthis,Hidepassedaway.
Clockinginat4hours,thelastliveended,andwewenttoNHKHallinShibuyatowhat
wouldbeXJapanslastperformance.IhadnostrengthlefttosingmyfinalsongwithX
Japan,ForeverLove,butmusteringallstrengthIhadleft,Isangitandinthisway,allmy
activitywithXJapanceased.
Unforgivableseminartalk
Thedayafterthelastlive,rightafternewyearsdayof1998,Iimmediatelystartedmy
activitywithHakaseTaro,appearingonTVandhaving5daysofconcertsinTokyo,starting
fromJanuary4.Attheseconcerts,itwouldbethefirsttimethatItalkedofsadandhurtful
eventsofmychildhood,asIdidforShareontheseminar.
Beforetheconcert,started,IreceivedatelephonecallfromMoritaniandtheverbalabuse
started.Herloud,angryvoicecouldbeheardfromthephone,echoinginmysurroundings.I
lockedmyselfintheanteroomsrestroom,stilllisteningtotheverbalabusefromthephone.
Thefansscreamingforyouareonlymakingyouregoworse,thatstheonlyreasonwhyyou
areperformingthisrepulsiveconcert!Stopitnow!
Concernedaboutmysurroundings,Ipretendedtocry,quietlysobbing.
Thestaffcametocallmeforrehearsal,whichstartednow,butitdidntstop.Theworried
staffmemberscalledme,Iwasntgettingoutoftherestroom.
Toshi,areyouallright?
Yes.Irepliedinaquietvoice.
Whenthephonecallfinallyended,Iparticipatedintherehearsal,20minuteslate.Sensing
thatIwasindark,heavyspirits,Hakasesaid.
Goodmorning,Toshi!
Alloftheotherbandmembersgreetedmeatthesametime.
Goodmorning!
Ijustlightlybowedtothem.Thissituationwasprobablyverybizarretothosewhowatched.
Afewdaysbeforetheconcert,mybrotheradvisedtome.
Donottellabsolutelyanyoneaboutthisseminar.
Iwentonstage.Showeredbythespotlight,heavyrockmusicplayed.Inthemiddleofthe
stage,Istoodthereandtalked.
Sincemychildhood,Ihadaninferioritycomplex.IthoughtthatifIbecameastar,a
celebrity,Iwouldbehappy.Ireachedthetop,butitdidntmakemehappy.
MyeyesmetwithmybrothersandIcutthetalkshort.
ThecontrastwithwhatIsaidwastoomuchforarockconcert.Forthefansattending,this
was,nodoubt,asurprise.
Manytimes,Moritanicameovertomyconcertsforfirsthandobservation.Then,shewould
reporteverythingIdidandsaidtoMasaya.Astheconcertended,Moritanitoldmetogoto
HomeofHeartheadquarters,soIlefttheconcertvenueinShinagawaandreturnedtothe
buildingofHomeofHeartsheadquartersinMinamiasa.Sittinginthedimlylitunderground
room,MoritaniandotherHomeofHeartstaffmemberssurroundedme.Then,Moritanihit
mybackwithaloudbang.Inreflex,Igrumbled,ugh.Then,shestartedyelling.
Bastard!Fawningoveryourfans,thatdisgustingenergyofyoursiswhatismakingthis
sacredplacedirty!
Asshescreamed,manyandmanytimesshehitmybackwithforce.Ifellwithmyfacetothe
floor.Icriedloudly.Then,mixedwithhers,IheardMasayasvoice.
Kaori(referringtoMoritani)isworkingveryhardinattendingtheseminar,anduntilwhen
willyoucontinuetotakepartofthatrottensociety?Untilwhendoyouplantocontinue
beingsuchabaddisciple?!
Masayakickedmyback.Theviolenceandabusecontinuedformanyhours,untilthey
decidedtostopandIcompletelygavein.Thatnight,itwentonforoverthreehours.
HidesDeath
MorningofMay21998.Iwasathomewhenthemobilephonerang.Itwasfrommybrother.
Hidepassedawaythismorning
Ilostmywords.
TherewillbeaceremonyatShinagawa.Itseemslikeallthememberswillbethere.Yoshiki
isarrivingtomorrowPlease,youshouldgotoo
HidediedIwassostunnedthatmythoughtswentblank.Whenthecallended,Itold
Moritani.
HidediedthismorningImustgothere.
Huh,whataboutthetraining?
Anyway,Ihavetogothere.PleasecontactHomeofHeart.
ThereplyfromHomeofHeartwas,Whenyoushowupattheceremony,comebackright
away.
Aloneinataxi,Iheadedtotheceremony.
Gettingtothefrontoftheentrance,Igotoutofthetaxi.There,Imetthestaffmemberwho
workedasHideschauffeur.
WhathappenedtoHide?Iaskedinalowvoice.Hejustputbothofhishandsonhisneck,
movingthemtightly,withoutsayingaword.Iwinced.
Hidecommittedsuicide?
Iwasveryconfused.Iwentintothebuilding.
PataandHeathsatinchairswiththeirheadslowered.Theechoofsobbingcouldbeheardin
theroom.ImmediatelyIwalkedtowardsthecoffin.AsIapproachedit,myheartraced.
Hidesparents,whostoodnearby,lookedatthecoffin.
HidetoMatsumoto=Hidewithoutmakeup,wassleepinginthere.Veryclosetohisface,I
lookedathim.
Areyoualive?Areyousleeping?
Hiscomplexionwasgood.Asifhecouldwakeupanytimenow.
But,hewasntsleepingonabed,butinawoodcasket.Thismademereturnquicklyto
reality.
Hide
IsatbesidePataandHeath.OureyesmetandPatajustsaidHeyinaverylow,weakvoice.
Heathonlyraisedhisfacealittletome.
Thanksforbeinghereeventhoughyouarebusy,Toshi.
Hidesfatherseyeswerered.
Ifyoudlike,pleasespendasmuchtimeasyouwantwithHideto.
Hismothertoldmeasshedriedhertearswithahandkerchief.
Ah,yes
Notknowingwhattosaytotheverytiredlookingparents,Ijustbowedandlookeddown.
Then,wailsechoed.
Hide,wakeup!
Whyareyousleeping!
Hide,dontmesswithus!
Hidesbandmates,wholovedhimdearly,stoodnearthecasket,raisingtheirvoicesand
weepingloudly.
AsIcamebacktomysenses,stillwithmyheadlowered,Isaidtohisparents.
Imverysorryfortoday,butImustleavenow.
TheshoutsremindedmeofMoritani.
Hurrying,Iarrivedoutsideandlookedatthesky.Thepaleorangeskyofsunsetmademe
thinkofthatmoment,whenhesmiledbashfullylikealways,anditfadedawayquietly.
Deeplyrootedfear
RidingthetaxibacktoHomeofHeartheadquarters,IcalledMoritanionthephone.
Imgettingthererightnow.
Comebackrightaway.Sherepliedinacoldtone.ArrivingatHomeofHeart,Iwent
directlytotheundergroundtherapyroom.Thesoundproofeddoorhadacoldgraycolor.
Turningthewidedoorknob,thedoorclosedwithaloudsound.Therewereabout30chairs
storedinthe13squarefeetwidetherapyroom.Thewhiteboardwasthereamongother
thingspiledup.Itwassimplyastorageroom,withagraycarpetcoveringthefloor.Moritani
wasalreadysatinthedimlylitroom.Shestartedyellingatmeandcryinginherusualway.
SomeonewithanegolikeyourswillneverlistentowhatahumblepersonlikeMasayasays!
BeingastupidegoistwillonlydegradeyoutotheextentofcommittingsuicidelikeHide!
(Hidewouldnevercommitsuicide)Ithought,rememberingthetalkwiththestaffmember
earlier,mybodystiffened.
Momentslater,Iheardthedooropening.ManyHomeofHeartstaffmembersenteredthe
room.
YouprobablyrealizedsomethingaboutHidesdeath.Atthemomentyoustepoutside,away
fromthisplace,minglingwithotheregoists,yourlifewilltransformintohellandintheend,
youllcommitsuicide!
(Itwasntsuicide,itwasanaccident)
Thisbastardisstillresisting!
Then,theviolencestarted.
Moritaniputmetolaywiththerightsideofmyfacetouchingthefloor,shestraddledmy
backlikeasifIwereahorseandhitmeinthebackmanytimes.
Manyhystericmanagersscreamedatme.Ididntknowwhattheyweresayingbecausethere
weretoomanypeople.Astheyscreamed,theviolenceandabusestartedagain.
Normally,Iwouldcryandscreaminthiscircumstance,butthatdaywasdifferent.Thetears
wouldntcomeout.Icouldntscreameither.Yet,Moritanikickedmybackandsteppedon
meveryheavily.Withtheimpactofhersteppingonme,forabriefmomentIopenedmy
eyesandsawthecuffofsomeonespantsandtheyremovedtheirslippers.Thesewere
Masayasfeet.
Many,manytimes,hehitmeintheheadandfacewiththeslippers,thetinglingpainechoed
ontopofmyhead.
Then,Masayayelledtogetherwiththeothers.
Youveseenthatpersondead,nowyouredisturbed,bastard!Thefutureofegoistsina
visualrockgrouplikeXJapanissuicide!Youknowthat,youbeast!Ifyoudontparticipate
inourtrainings,thesamewillhappentoyou!Getthisthroughyourhead!
Manyhourspassed,stillwiththeabuseandviolence.Butintheend,Iwasunabletocryor
scream.
Vowatthefuneral
(Damn,Imlate)
Irandesperately.IwasgoingtoHidesfuneralserviceinMay7,since9inthemorningIhad
beenatHomeofHeart,enduringtheabuseandviolenceforoverthreehours.Intherestroom
ofthefacility,Ichangedmytracksuittoablacksuit.Keepinganeyeontheclock,itwaspast
12:40.Myhairwasstillveryunkempt,butlikethatIleftfromHomeofHeartheadquarters.
Afterrunningfor5minutes,Ifinallygottotheplacethemanagerwaswaitingforme.The
managerwasinanationalmadecarIwasntusedtosee.IhadtoselltheBenzcarthatwas
usedtopickmeup.
Icameinmyfamilyscar,sorryaboutitbeingacommoncar.themanagerapologized.The
funeralservicewouldonlystartat1intheafternoon,buttheridetothetemplewouldtake50
minutes.Inthemovingcar,Icalmedmyselfdown.ButIfeltasuddenboutofthrobbingpain
inmybody.Lookingdown,tryingtostandthispain,Ifixedmyhairwithmyhands.Getting
closertothetemple,thereweremanyofferingsofflowersforHidefromthefans.WhenIgot
there,theservicehadalreadystarted,thepriestwasalreadychanting.
Toshi,thiswayplease.
Thestaffmemberswhowaitedformeaskedmetogothroughthestaffonlyentrancedoor,
guidingmydisconcertedselftoattendance.
Inside,theplacewaspackedwithstaffmembers.Myarrivalcausedalittleofcommotion.I
startedtofeelveryapologeticbecauseofthefurthertroubleIcaused.Inthebigaltar,there
wasaenormouspictureofHide,onewhereheappearedwithbrightredhairandheavymake
up.Manyofhislovedguitarswerelinedup,togetherwithaninfinitenumberofflowers.
The,itwastimeforthelastsongtoHide,ForeverLove.Yoshikispianosoundedvery
quiet.WhenIstartedsinging,myvoicewasbreaking.ProbablybecauseofhowmuchI
screamedandcriedatHomeofHeartinthemorning.Butevenso,Istrainedmyvoiceto
sing.Then,Igrabbedthemicrophone,turnedtothepictureofHideandsaid.
WellliveshiningverybrightforHidenow.
Iquestionedmywords.
(CanIreallyliveabrightlife?IsthathowIshouldliveatHomeofHeart?)
ThelastconversationwithHide
Theincenseburnedforalongtime.AsIstaredatit,Ithoughtofthelastconversation.That
wasSeptember281997,attheverymiddleofMasayasfirstseminar,lateatnight.Awhile
beforethat,inSeptember22,Ihadheardaboutthebandsbreakupfromthepressconference.
IwaswatchingtelevisionwhenIknewofit.AsIsawthat,thesurpriseoftheannouncement
struckme,buttomeitwaslikehearingofsomeordinarything,notpersonallyrelatedtome.
Ah,theybrokeup,Ithought.Atthesametime,Ialsothought,Sotheycouldntfinda
newvocalist.
Dayslater,certainweeklymagazinepublishedanarticle,sayingthatmyofficehad
protectedme,notlettingmeknowaboutthebandsbreakup.
Hidephonedme,angrybecauseofthatarticle.
Whatsupwiththatarticle?
Ididnotknowaboutthecontents,soIwassurprisedtohearwhattheywere.ButIwasfar
moreshockedaboutHidebeingangryatmelikethat,itwasthefirsttime.
Hide,Ididntknowaboutthesethings.Butmyofficedidthat.Imverysorry.Forgiveme.
Iapologized.
AsIhadjusttakentheseminar,ItalkedaboutwhatIhadrealizedofmyselfduringthe
seminar.Thepainofmychildhood,havingturnedmysituationofinferioritycomplexinto
beingacelebrity,futilethings,howIhadmanytroubleswithwhatsurroundedmeandsoon.
Talkingaboutmychildhood,pain,suffering,inferioritycomplextoanotherperson,waswhat
wedidattheseminar.HidewasthefirstoutsidertowhomIshared.
HidelistenedcloselytowhatIhadtosay,sinceheknewaboutallofthetroublesIhad
causedatthetimeIwasinXJapan.Atfirst,hewasveryangry.Butfinally,Iheardfrom
him.
Toshi,letsgooutfordrinkssometime.Letmehearmoreaboutitallthen.
Yes,sure.Thankyouforcallingme.Untilthen,Hide
Thattelephonetalkofabout10minuteswasthelastconversationIhadwithHide.
WhenIaskedtoleavetheband,Hideraisedhisvoiceatme,tryingtostopmefromleaving.
AtTokyoDome,inthelastlive,Hidetookthehesitationawayfrommeonthestage.During
theverysevererecording,Hidesometimesshoweduponthestudio,andencouragedme,
whowassunkinadarkmood.Hidealwayshadconsiderationforme,hewasalwayskindto
melikeabrother.IreallywonderwhatHidewouldsaytome,ifhesawmegettingstranger
andstrangerfrombeingdeeplybrainwashed.
Goodbyetohim,inmakeup
Thetimetotakethecoffinhadarrived.WeofferedthelastflowerstoHide.Iplacedone
flowerveryclosetoHidessleepingface.ItwasnotHidetoMatsumotoscleanface,buta
heavilymadeupHide.Thatwasveryheartbreaking.
(Hide)
Itouchedhisfacesoftly.Itwasalittlecold.Itwasalsoalittlesoft.Mybottledupemotions
surfaced.Tearswelledup.ButIhadthecouragetostaysilent,butinmyheart,Icalledhis
nameagain.
(Hide!)
Themembersandstaffsurroundedthecasket,holdingit,takingittothehearse.Exitingthe
building,Hidescasketwasshowntothe50thousandfans.Thecriesandscreamscallinghis
nameseemedliketheycouldbreaktheskyapart.
Nexttome,holdingthecasket,Heathsuddenlyfelltohisknees.Isupportedonehandonthe
casket,andwiththeotherIheldontohisarm.
Heath,areyouallright?
Iwasinadazedstate,notknowingifthiswasrealityorifthiswasadream.
ThelieofthesongdedicatedtoHide
WiththeweightofHidesdeathinmypsychologicalstate,Icontinuedwiththeseminars.In
lateMayof1998,withguidancefrommybrother,Itransferedtheregistryofmyofficeand
weexchangedanewcontract.Then,Masayatoldme.
Youknowwhat,Illletyousingoneofmysongs.Tellingpeopleofyourtragicchildhood,
painfultimes,inferioritycomplexandthensingingoneofmysongswill,evenifalittle,heal
peopleshearts.
Withthat,ItoldmybrotherandthestaffthatmynewsongwouldbeMasayassong.
Ofcourse,theywerestronglyagainstit.
LetmedowhatIwant!
IfyoudontletmedowhatIwant,wellendallbusiness!Iansweredtheiroppositionwith
whatMasayadirectedmetosay.ThereleasedatewasscheduledforJuly.
Then,theassociatedrecordcompanystartedtoassertivelypromotethenewsongforitto
sell.But,ininterviewsandsuch,nomatterhowmuchIhatedit,Masayainstructedmetosay
thatthissongisdedicatedtomylatefriendHide.
Thesonginquestionhadbeenwrittenandcomposedseveralyearsbefore,naturallyithad
nothingtodowithHide.Ialsodidntwanttousesomeonesdeathtosellasong.ButMasaya
explained.
Idontwanttoselltomajorcompaniesanymore,butwithyouhere,Ihavenochoice.
Actually,iftheworldlistenstothissong,ifmanypeopledo,theresthepossibilitythatmany
ofthemwillwanttostartlivinggenuinely.Yoursingingfilledwithstrongprideistheworst,
butthebeautifulmusicitselfwillbegoodenergy.
Then,hedirectedmetopromotethesong.Intelevisionandinmagazines,Iwouldtalkabout
myselfnow,comparedtowhenIhaddyedhair.
Thattimewasverytragicforme,thatpersondiedtogetherwithHide,Iwonderhowmany
timesIrepeatedthatphrase.IwoulddenyXJapanwithoutanyinhibitions.Thatwasalso
underMasayasguidance.Ofcourse,mywordsbroughtangertothefans.Iheardmanytimes
thatIwastheonewhobroughtXJapansbreakupandHidesdeath,andthatdenying
fanswastheworst.ButMasayasaid,Denyingthoserotten,egoistfansofyoursandX
Japanfansiswhatyouhavetodofortruth,itstherightthing.
Partofmewasincredulous,butbecauseoftheviolenceandabuse,Ibelievedthatdistrustof
Masayasteachingsandspeechweremybiggestenemy,casedbymyego.Yes,thatsit.
Yourthinkingiswrong.Iforciblybelievedinthat.Iwasmoreandmoreisolatednow,not
havingmyfamily,friends,staff,XJapanmembers,andnowexcludingthefanswhoalways
supportedme.
Stafftraining,Businessstarts
WhenMasayassongwasreleasedinJuly,IwastoldbyMoritanithatMasayahadgivenme
specialpermissiontoparticipateintheStafftraining.Finishingthistraining,Iwouldbe
ableto,asHomeofHeartstaff,sellMasayasCDsandotherproducts.Atthetime,Iwas
confused.Asaseminarpupil,itwouldbethenextstep,butasanartist,evendoingajobfora
majorcompany,wouldntitbereallybadifIstartedsellingMasayasproductsasaHomeof
Heartstaffmember?Notonlythat,butIwouldhavetoconstantlytellmybrotherthatI
wasntsellingabsolutelyanything.Regardingmyhesitationtoworkasstaff,Moritanisaidto
mewithconviction.
Fromnowon,youdbeallowedtosingMasayassongs.Ifyoudont,youwontbeableto
singwithtruemeaning!Youwouldjustbeanotherfake,areyoureallyallrightwithbeinga
fakehealingartist?
Intheend,Ipaidtheverylargesumofmoneyforthetrainingandattended.Inbetween
promotingthesong,appearingontelevision,Istartedtocallmanyplacesinalloverthe
countrytosellMasayasCDandproducts.Hotels,lodges,cafes,restaurants.Icalledthem
oneaftertheother.TherehadbeentimesthatIevenwentdisguisedtosomeplaces.Weeks
later,continuingtocallmanyplaces,IfinallyhadaresponsefromacafeinNagano
prefecturethatacceptedtotakeintheCDs.IloadedthecarwithvariousofMasayasCDs
andsomecasesthatweremeanttobedisplayed.MoritanialwaysobservingwhatIdid,
traveledwithme.Wedrovetothatcafe,4hoursaway,todelivertheproducts.Iworeamask,
acap,andfakeglasses.Asmyheartraced,Iwentinthecafe.
Excuseme,ImfromHomeofHeartandImheretodelivertheCDs.
Itriedtodomybestnottobefoundout,butatthesametime,Iwasinacoldsweatinfearof
myidentitybeingdiscovered,thinkingabouthowbadthingswouldturnoutifthathappened.
Ofcourse,alloftheprofitswouldgotoHomeofHeart.IworkedforHomeofHeartfor
approximately11years.IbelievedthatIwasdoingtherightthing,thatIwasworkingforthe
sakeoftheworld.But,fromgeneralperspective,IhadturnedintoMasaya,Moritaniandthe
fraudulentgroupHomeofHeartsbiggestsourceofincome.
Resultofthestarvingstrategy,intoloans
Theresnomoney!
InthemonthwhenStaffTrainingbegan,IhadtopayHomeofHeart.Iwenttothebankto
receivethesalaryfrommyoffice.Evenafterconfirmingmyaccountsbalance,thesalary
hadntbeenpaid.Onedayafter,ithadntalsobeenpaid.Mybrother,whowasmymanager,
stoppedpayingmywage.Furious,Iarguedwithhim.Paymemymoney!
Mybrother,knowingthatmyactionsbecamestrangeandthatpaymentafterpaymentwent
straighttoHomeofHeart,leavingmewithnomoneyinhands,refusedtopay,asastarving
strategy.
Thewayyourehandlingmoneyisbad,Icantpayyoursalary.Mybrotheronlysaidthis
sentence.Asarepresentativedirector,mybrotherwouldntpaymeanything,nomatterhow
manytimesIaskedhimto.Ibecameanxious.HashediscoveredImdoingsalesforHome
ofHeart?
Withnopaymentandverylittlemoneyleftonhand,Ihadthenecessitytopayformineand
Moritanisseminar,HomeofHeartproducts.SayingthatIhadnomoneytoaHomeofHeart
manager,Ireceivedspeciallyviolentabuse.
Ifyoureworkingforabetterworld,youhavetogetmoney!Everyoneisdoingthat!Goget
aloanandbringmoney!
Iwenttogetmyfirstloan.
WhenIcamebackhomeinSetagayafromMinamiasa,therewasabuildingnearthe
Sangendyayastation.Inthisbuildingwasasignforaloancompany.Lookingatmy
surroundingstomakesurenoonewaslooking,Ienteredthisbuilding,takingthestairsfor
thethirdfloor.SomethinglikeanATMwasthere.Inthescreen,Irequestedaccordingly.I
managedtoget150,000Yeninthisfirstmachine.Immediately,Iwenttotheloancompany
inthesecondfloorofthebuilding.Andinthesameway,Imanagedtogetmorehundred
thousandsYen.Onceagain,inthesamebuilding,Itrieditallonemoretime,butthistimeI
couldntgetanymoremoney.Thenextday,IfoundanotherloancompanyinSetagaya,and
took50,000Yen.MostlyallofthismoneywenttoHomeofHeartaspayment.Ipaidthe
loansgraduallywithverysmallquantities.But,eachtimeIpaidaloan,Iloanedmoremoney,
resultinginmoreloans.Thiscontinuedformanyyears.Also,Ihadcreditcardsfromtwo
companies.IspentallofitbuyinginHomeofHeart.Icouldntaffordthecreditcardexpense
inthenextmonth,Iaskedthecompaniesforadividedpayment.EverymonthIwouldpay
themasmallquantity.Ihadtoraisemoneyinsomewayorother.
OutbreakofBrainwashingTurmoil
InSeptemberof1998,Ihadbeentakingtheseminarforafullyear.Then,therewasan
incidentthatwouldmakeitsothatIcouldnotleaveHomeofHeart.
ThemagazineWeeklyModernpublishedasurprisingfeature,Thetruenatureofthe
brainwashingcultthatluredinToshi,formerXJapanmember,exposingmyadmirationof
theseminar,claimingthatIhadbeenbrainwashedbythepresident,Masaya,thatIadoredthe
founder,Masaya,thatIhadbecometheiradvertisement,sellingproductshereandthere,
andthatIhadbeeninvitingfansandothersaroundmetotheseminar.Whenthisarticlecame
out,therewasaconcertdateforMasayainOrchardOrchestraofShibuya,Tokyo.Iwould
appearaguestinthatconcert,singing,withthestringssession,thesongreleasedinJulyand
otherMasayasongs.Buttherewasfierceoppositionfrommyoffice.TheirconcernwasthatI
hadreallybecometheadvertisementforHomeofHeart.
Then,mybrotherstated.
Thisisacontractviolation,Icantletyouparticipate.andsentmeadocument.
Isaid,But,Imparticipatingasafriendofthesongscomposer,andtheyllevenletmesing
withafullorchestra,thisisgreatpublicityforme,theresnoproblemwiththat.
MybrotherhadwarnedHomeofHeartearlier,sayingthathewouldnotletmeperformwith
themwithoutpermission.
Masayareplied,Toshihimselfsaysthathewantstoperformwithus.Thatisnotour
problem.Wouldntthatbeaproblembetweenheandhissibling?
Istoppedtryingtopersuademybrother,whowoulddoanythingtostopme,thinkingthathe
couldusethemediatoexposeMasayaandI.Then,oneweekbeforetheconcert,in
September7,thearticleinWeeklyModernwaspublished.
Theresthisridiculousarticlepublished.Thatwasallsetupbyyourbrother!
WhenIreceivedthatphonecallfromMasaya,myheartbeatsofastthatIcouldhearit.
Suchatroublingthinghappened
Frightened,Iapologizedinstinctively,myvoicetrembled.
Imsorry
Waitfororders!Anddontcomeherebecausethemediamayfollowyou!
Oneweeklater,inSeptember14,therewasasecondparttothefirstarticleinthismagazine,
ToshisBrainwashing.TherewasalsoaninterviewinthecontentsthatIhadgivenunder
Masayasinstructionsatthetimeofthefirstarticle.Inthenextday,therewasMasayas
concertatOrchardHall.Ithoughtthat,naturally,Iwouldntparticipateinitanymore,but
Masayasaid,Afterthisarticle,ifyoudontshowup,itllbelikeasifyourerunningaway
likeifyoudidabadthing.Thetimetoshowupisnow.
Tomybrother,HomeofHeartexplainedthatToshiisasecretguestatthisconcert,noone
knowsheisappearingandheisnotadvertisingus.Inreality,underMasayasorders,Ihad
announcedthisconcertwhenIhadbeenaradioguestandinotherappearances.Homeof
Heartstaffhadalsoannouncedthisshowandtheyinformedothersofmyguestappearancein
faxesandsuch.Manyofmyfanshadboughtticketstothisconcertalready.
Thedayoftheconcert,MoritaniarrivedearliertotheconcerthallasHomeofHeartstaff.
Shecontactedus,Attheconcerthall,inthestaffentrance,themediaisthereandalreadyset
uptheircameras.BecauseIwasgoingtoperformwithoutpermissionfrommyoffice,the
managerwasntwithme.Alone,IleftmyhouseinSetagayaandwenttoShibuyabytaxi.I
feltanxious.Imnotdoinganythingwrong,letpeopleseeme,Irepeatedtomyself.
Afterthearticlewaspublished,thiswasthefirsttimeIwasgoingtoshowmyselfinpublic.
Manycamerasfrommanytelevisioncompaniesandreportersweretherewaitingforme.I
steppedoutofthetaxi,withnoonetheretoguardme.Iwentintothestaffentrydoor,
holdingalargesuitcasewithmystageclothes.Immediately,camerasandreporters
surroundedme.
Willyouparticipateintonightsconcert?
Yes.
Howdoyoufeelabouttheinformationthatsaysyourebeingbrainwashed?
Thatisnothappening.
Answeringthemediasquestionscalmlyaspossible,IwalkedasquicklyasIcouldandwent
throughthestaffentrance.Inthedressingroom,violenceandabusefromMoritaniawaited
me.
Becausethatdamnbrotherofyourswantsyourartisticrights,thesehoaxarticlesarebeing
published,anditsgettingMasayainvolved!!Youdidntkilloffthatbrotherofyoursand
eventhoughMasayahasnothingtodowiththis,youexpecthimtodosomethingaboutyour
brother?Youweakman!
Coweringonthefloorofthedressingroom,eventhoughMoritaniwassayingthisinaquiet
tone,shestruckmeonthebackwithinsaneforce.Ihadmixedfeelings,Iwassorryaboutit
all,butatthesametime,Iwantedtogetoutofthere.WhenMasayasconcertstarted,
thousandsofpeopleintheaudienceweremyfans.Whentheconcertended,Ireceivedorders
fromMasaya.
Gooutsideandsayonceandforalltothemediathatyourenotbeingbrainwashed!
Withoutanyonetohelp,Iwentoutsidefromthestaffentrance.Thelightsforfilmingandthe
camerasflashedallatonce.
Iwassurprisinglycalm,thinking:
(Thisisjustlikebeingfilmedforamovie)
Moreofthemediahadgatheredtheresincethestartoftheconcert,andapproximatelyone
hundredfansthatworriedaboutmewerepresentaswell.
HeresgoingtobetroublesomeAsIsearchedforanappropriateplacetotakethisurgent
interview,ahugelineofpeoplefollowedme.AsIwalked,manytelevisioncameras,flashing
camerasandreporterssurroundedme.Manyofthefansscreamed.
Toshi,areyouok?!
Toshi,comeback!!
Afterwalkingforfiveminutes,Ifoundaspacetogo.
Theresmanythingsbeingsaidaboutme,butImnotbeingbrainwashed.Iwanttowork
withHealingmusicfromnowon.Yet,mybrother,whorunsmyoffice,doesnotletmedoas
Iwish.Thosethingssaidaboutmeareallfalseinformationthatmybrothermadeupbecause
hewantstotakemyartisticrightsforhimself.
IrepeatedthewordsMasayainstructedmetosay.
AggravationofBrainwashingTurmoil
AfterthepublishedarticlesinWeeklyModern,MasayaandIreceivedmanyrequestfrom
televisioncompaniestoappearonair,fromvarietyshowstonewsshows.Masayadirected
metotakethechallenge.Taketheinterviewswiththemedia.Saythatyourenotbeing
brainwashed,saythatthisisallsetupbyyourbrotherandthemediawithbadintentions,that
thesemagazinereportsarefake!SaythatMasayaisjustamusicproducerfriendwhosaved
yourlife,thatyourenotinacultreligion.SaythatMasayahasnothingtodowiththis.This
isaproblembetweenyourbrotherandyou!
(Isntthisonlygoingtoaddfueltothefire?Idontwanttotalktothemedia)Thethought
wasdeepinmymind,butIhadtocomply.
Ifyoudontdothisnow,youllbecomeyourbrothersslave.Areyouallrightwiththat!?
WithMasayaswarning,IwassurethatIshouldntrunaway.Istartedtogiveinterviews
actively.First,Iwentalonetoatelevisionshow.
YousaythattheresnoneedforMasayatocomeonthisshowbecauseMasayahasnothing
todowiththis,Iwasinstructed.ThenextdayIwastoldtoappearwithMoritani,we
appearedininterviewssayingthatMasayaisthepersonweoweourlivesto,always
criticizingwhatmybrothersaid.Afterthat,Masayahimselfalsoappearedininterviews.He
said,Imshowingmyselftothemediatohelppeoplerealizethenatureoftruth.Maybethis
isachancetheuniversehasgivenus.
WhenMoritaniandtheHomeofHeartmanagementheardthis,theyshedtearsofemotion.
Ithoughtwithpessimism,Theconditionsherearegoodforustogetbashed.
ButIalsohopedthatifMasayasaidso,maybesomethinggoodcouldhappen.So,thethree
ofusappearedonTV,gaveinterviewstomagazinesandsoon.Masayaalwaysgestureda
lot,Ijustwanttoworkforthegoodoftheworld.So,doeseveryonewanttomakemeacult
religionfounder?IfIsaysomething,itlljustbeinvain,soIllletthemsayanythingthey
want!
Hecomplainedwithemotion.Seeingthat,Moritanicried.Isaid,Masayahasnothingtodo
withthis.ThisisanissuebetweenmybrotherandI.Imnotbeingbrainwashed,Ijustwant
toliveaquietlife,repeatingthewordsIwastoldtosay.
Toaggravatethings,WeeklyModernpublishedafourtharticleinsuccessionagainstus.
Init,theypublisheddetailedlyatelephoneconversationIhadwithMasaya,whotoldmeto
Saythateverythingisyourbrothersconspiracy!Killyourbrother!Saythatyoureleaving
HomeofHeartandthatyouhavenoconnectionswithusanymore!,afalsewithdrawal
plan.InSeptember7,thefirstarticlewaspublished.Inthespaceofonemonth,Ihadbecome
thetopicofthemoment,withthepressuproarandwithTVapparitionsandinterviewsfor
magazines.Everyday,startingearlyinthemorningandendinglateatnight,thereweremore
interviews.IdidnthavetimetosleepandallofmylivingexpensemoneywenttoHomeof
Heart.Istartedtogetloansfromothercompanies,myverylittlemoneyleftalsostartedto
disappear.Inthesetelevisionappearances,sometimeswewouldgetaguaranteepayment,of
approximately30000Yen.Thatbecamemyonlysourceofincome.Feelingmiserableabout
gettingthiskindofmoneyfromtelevisioncompanies,eyespinningbusy,underthestressto
lietopeople,andinadditiontothat,theviolenceandabusefromMasayaandMoritani,day
andnight,myappearancebecamepitiable.Myfacebecamethin,myeyessunk.
IwonderhowmuchpersuasivepowerIhadtotellthepressthatIwasntbeingbrainwashed
andthatIwashappy.Intheend,IbecameknownasThebrainwashedmanwhoisthe
publicityforamindcontrolcult.Withthatinfluence,IwascutofffromaradioshowI
regularlyparticipatedaftertwoyearsandhalf.Mymotherandeldestbrotheralsogave
interviews,myeldestbrotherusuallysayingToshi,comeback!intheseinterviews.
Then,Masayatoldme.
Yourbrothermayhavesetupalisteningdevice,findaprofessionalwhocanidentifythat.
Inspectingtheareaaroundmyhouse,atelephonelisteningdeviceintheshapeofaballpoint
penwasfoundinawall.Takingittothepolicestation,adamagereportwasfilledaboutthe
installationofthisdevice.AtHomeofHeartheadquarters,veryobviously,anotherlistening
devicehadbeeninstalledonthetelephonepolesswitchboard.Itwasalsotakentothepolice
station.Westilldidnotknowwhoinstalledthesedevicesyet.Butatthattime,disgustedwith
theseharmfulaction,Ihatedmyfamilyevenmore,whoweresoopposedtoHomeofHeart,I
couldneverforgivethem.
Aheavycross
TheimmensetroublesanddamageIcausedforMasayawiththisBrainwashingTurmoil
meantthatIhadtocarryaheavycross.
Wewereinvolvedinallofthisbecauseyoucamehere.Beforethatwealllivedin
happiness,nowwecantevenfeedthechildren.Becauseofyourbrotherwearenowseenas
acultreligion.Tosaveyou,Icantevendobusinessanymore.Icantevengooutsideany
more.Masayascoldedme.Moritanialso,Masayariskedhislifetosaveyouandyoureturn
thisdebtwithharm,youretheworstkindofmonster!Peoplelikeyouhavesuchastrongego
thatcantbefixedinanyway.Theleastyoucoulddoiscontributewithmoney,letMasaya
useit,becausethatistheonlygoodthingyoucoulddo!
(Ihavecausedsomanytroublesalready,thattheleastIshoulddoisgivethemmoney)
Iseriouslythoughtinthatway.IheardfromMasaya,Firealloftheseegomaniacsthatwork
atyouroffice,makeitatruthfulplace!.
Hedirected,andintroducedalawyerwhohewasacquaintedwith.Weproceededwiththe
preparationsforacompleterenewalofmyoffice.
ExtinguishedBrainwashingTurmoil
InearlySeptember1998,themediacontinuedwithBrainwashingTurmoil.Under
Masayasorders,thelawyerfiredmybrother,whowasthemanager,mymother,whowasa
companydirector,myfather,andtwotheremployees.Iwasnamedrepresentativesupervisor
ofallthethreeassociatedcompaniesoftheoffice.Moritaniwasnamedaspartofthe
management.Theremaining50,000Yenoftheofficewenttomybrotherandothersasno
refundseverancepaymentandloan.Idistancedmyselffromallofthosewhoworkedwith
meintheoffice.Wheneverythingwaspaid,intheendofSeptember,whentheattentionto
BrainwashingTurmoilhaddivertedalittle,HomeofHeartreceivedafaxfromaperson
identifiedasF.TheyclaimedtoknowwhohadsetupBrainwashingTurmoil.
TheseseriesofnewsreportshaveallbeensetupbyN.andToshisbrother.
NwassomeonewhohadpreviouslyworkedwithmybrotherandIatabookpublishing
company.Falsoworkedwithusatthetime.Therewasnodefiniteauthenticity,butatthe
time,IfeltlikeIhadbeensaved.
(Inthemiddleofallthisbashingsomeoneissupportingme)Ithought.Inoppositionto
WeeklyModernsarticles,IhadthemagazineWeeklyPostpublisharebuttal,with
accountingdocumentsandtheleakfromF.asthecontents.Itwasthelasttime.Then,
WeeklyModernsoonpublishedanotherarticle,andthemediatriedtocontinuewith
BrainwashingTurmoil,butMasayasaidthatfromnowweshouldnotgetinvolvedwiththe
media.Innotmorethanonemonth,BrainwashingTurmoilhadbeengradually
extinguished.But,eventhough,Iwouldbeforeverassociatedwiththeworstlabelpossible,
theoneofbrainwashedman.
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SEPTEMBER29TH,2014 15COMMENTS YASASHIIKISU
Evesays:
Wow,Ineverwouldhavedaredtohopesomeonewouldtranslatethis
bookThankyousosoverymuch.Itssodisturbingandsadtoread,butI
admireToshiforpublishingthisandhopefullyhelpingotherstonotget
involvedorgetoutofthesekindofhorribleorganizations!Iwishhimonly
thebestinhislifefromnowonsoonceagain,THANKYOUforyour
amazingwork<3
Reply
Astralmindsays:
Thankyousomuchforthehardwork!
Wealleagerlyawaitthenextchapter,youreallyaredoinganoutstanding
job
Reply
mahaesays:
damnit:O.imsoastonishedanddisturbedandwantedtostopreading
manytimesbutencouragedmyselftocontinuetiltheend.ireallydont
knowwhattosay,ipitytoshibutatthesametimeimmadathimfor
makingstupidchoicesthatbastardmasaya,hopehesrottinginjail.
anywaythankyouforthetranslation,keepupthehardwork
Reply
darukosays:
Thankyousomuchtocontnuetotranslatethsbook.
Reply
Tsukishimasays:
October3,2014at7:31am
Thanksalotforyourextremelyhardworking!
ItissofrustratingthatToshikeptmakingsuchstupiddecisionsthat
graduallydestroyednotonlyhisimagebutalsohislife.Butatthesame
time,ithurtsmewhenseeinghimstrugglingallaloneasnoonecoulddo
anythingtopullhimoutofsuchmess.Ireallylookforwardtothenext
chapterstoseehowhecouldstandstraightagain.
Thankyouagainforyouroutstandingwork.Youreamazing!
Reply
SethyTrashroadsays:
ThisissoabsolutelyawfulwhathappenedtoToshi,andwhatishappening
tohimandtoothers.Unfortunately,thereseemstobenoprosecutionsand
Masayaiswalkingfree(nevermindthathisconduct,ifthereisANY
corroborationofthisfromothersourcesatall,and/orsimilarvictims,crosses
thelinefromevenaggravatedassaultandbatterytooutrighttorture.)Iwish
therewassomethingwecoulddo.
(btw,Ihadtopasteinmytext.ThispagehasabuginGoogleChromewhere
itwillnotletmetypethelettersiorj,whichiskindofdifficultbecause
thosearetwolettersintheworddescribingwhereMasayabelongs.)
Reply
Lalasays:
Thanksforthetmeandeffortyouputtothetranslatons.
Reply
Nori4dsays:
IthinkitmustbehurtforToshirevivinghismemoriestowritethisbook.
ButatthesametimeIadmirehimforhavingcouragetotellallofthis.Hope
nooneelsefallsintoMasayastrapagain.IthinkmaybeKaoriMoritanihas
beenHOHstafffromthebeginning,evenbeforeshemetToshi.Andthe
incidentswereallsetup.FromwritingseveralletterstoToshibeforethemet
again.AlsothatharshwordsagainstToshi,shewassopractisedlikeshewas
withthismethodforalongtime.
Anyway,thankyousomuchfortranslating.Cantwaitforthenextchapter!
Reply
MC89says:
Thankyousomuchforths!
Reply
Glorasays:
Thankyousomuchforthetranslationofthisbook.itisincredibletosee
howtheeventsreallytookplace.Somuchofthisperiodwasguessworkand
hearsaybefore.itisindeedasadandtragicturnofeventsforToshi,butthe
storyneededtobetold.
Keepupthegreatwork,icannotwaittoreadmore.
Reply
Maurosays:
Thanksforyourhardyork.Pleasekeeponpostngthechapters.=)
Reply
ellenasays:
Sohardtobelieve.Toshisbeenthroughalot.
Thanku4urhardworktranslatng.
Reply
Chillasays:
Thankyousomuchforyourtranslations!Icanimaginehowmuchworkit
musthavebeen!Reallyappreciateit!
Reply
Wusays:
Insteadoflisteningtosadsongs.LetsprayforHope
St.Jude,gloriousapostle,faithfulservantandfriendofJesus,thenameof
theperson(whobetrayedourLord)hascausedyoutobeforgottenbymany,
butthetrueChurchinvokesyouuniversallyasthePatronofthingsdespaired
of.Prayforme,whoissomiserableprayforme,thatImayfinallyreceive
theconsolationsandthesuccorofHeaveninallmynecessities,tribulations,
andsufferings,particularly(ADDYOURPERSONALREQUESTHERE),
andthatImayblessGodwiththeElectThroughoutEternity.
Reply
Michelesays:
WowIfeelforToshIasIamreadingallofthis.Imsogladthatheisable
togetoutofallofthisintheend.Thankyouagainsomuchforyourhard
workontranslatingthebook.Andastheothershaveexpressed,weso
appreciateyourhardworkandlookforwardtothenextchapter.
Reply
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Helloworld
Sorryforthelongwait,itisfinallyhere.Thischapter,towardstheend,hasalotofjudicial
andlawterms,Imnotfamiliarwiththeminenglish,Ihopeitisstilleasytounderstand.
Pleasebeawareofviolenceandgrotesquedescriptioninthischapter.
MasayaandMoritanistotalcontrol
ItwasOctober10,1998.Onthedayofmy33thbirthday,underMasayasorder,myoffice,
YesMusicCompanywentthroughanamechange,becomingToshiOfficeCompany.
ThenewstructurewasunderMasayaandMoritanistotalcontrol.Iwasrepresentativeofthe
company,butthatwasonlyaname.Essentially,Ihadnoauthority,theinfluxofmoneywas
entirelymanagedbyMasayaandMoritanispower.Intheend,Ionlyworkedtogetmoney
forthem.ThatwasthegooddeedIcoulddoasanegomaniac.
Thecompanysaccounting,atfirst,wasdonebyMasayasoldacquaintance,M.However,
theaccountingwasactuallyunderMoritanisandHomeofHeartmanagerSuzutascontrol.
AnexHomeofHeartstaffmember,Ueda(namehasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity),was
calledbackbyMasaya.Heassumedthepositiontobemymanagerandtheirsupervisor.As
officestaff,anotherexHomeofHeartstaff,Shioda(namehasbeenchangedtoprotect
identity),awomaninherfifties,wasalsocalledback.Theofficebuildingmovedaswell,
underMasayasorder,becauseitisawasteofrent.Itmovedtomyownhouse.Underthe
pretenseofbeingemployees,UedaandShiodabeganlivinginmyhouse.Theydidntget
paidasalaryeither,butinstead,theycouldattendtheseminars.
Thecontractfortherecordcompanywhichalsoworkedtogetherwiththeofficewas
canceled,andforviolationofcontract,IpromisedtopaytenmillionYenindivided
payments.Oncethiscontractwascanceled,itwastransferredtoHomeofHeart.Withtheend
ofallrelationshipIhadwithmyfamily,Iwasnowanxiousaboutmynewlife,butatthe
sametime,Ifeltaglimmerofhope,thinkingthatthiswasonestepforwardtobeing
independent.Forthat,ImuststudywhatMasayateaches,andforalltroublesIcausedtohim
andMoritani,Ishouldrepaywithgooddeeds,Ithought.
But,noteveninadreamIthoughtthatthiswasthebeginningoftheroadtodestruction.
Thereward
Onefreezingnight,intheendofNovember,Iwenttotheseminarinmyusualblacktraining
wear.Itookoutfrommyclosetakneelengthblackcoatandwornitovermyoutfit.Like
that,IwenttoHomeofHeart.Thatnight,aftertheseminar,theabuseandviolencehappened
again,butthistime,evenmycoatbecameatopicofproblem.
Thosevisualrockegomaniacs,alwayswearingblackbecausetheirheartisblack.Youlook
likeDracula,thatsjustdisgusting!Onlypeoplewhoareafraidandegomaniacslikewearing
black!Theysaidmanyotherthings.
Whentheseminarended,asIwasleaving,Masayaworemycoat,andimitatedme,singing.
Thefemalestaffmembersgatheredinthebasementroomalllaughed.Masayalivedwith
about30womenintheHomeofHeartheadquarters.Therealsolivedminorsandinfants.
ThemainfactorthatIcouldtalkaboutmyfeelingstoMasaya,wasthatsometimeshewould
showmeaveryinnocentside.
AsMasayareturnedmycoat,IleftHomeofHeart.Outsidewasverycold,butIdidnotwear
thecoat.Holdingitinmyhands,Iwalkedoverthecarintheparkinglot.Inthecar,like
always,Masayasrecordedlecturetapeplayed.AsIdroveinsilence,besideme,Moritani,
whowascomingbackhomesincealongtime,lookedstraighttothefront,hereyestearing
up.
Masayasavedyoufromthatfamilyofyours,whodidntloveyouandonlyusedyouto
makemoney.Withoutyourbrothers,wefeelrelief.Buttomedia,MasayaandHomeofHeart
areseenasacultreligion,lostallcredibilityandcantdobusinessanymore,theresno
moneygettingin,wecantevenaffordtoeatameal!
Turningrighttotheintersectionfromnationalhighway246toSetagaya,stoppingatared
light,Moritaniturnedtolookatme.Ashertearsfell,shesaid,
HowevermuchmoneyyoupayMasaya,itwillneverbeenough!Itsnowyourturntosave
MasayaandHomeofHeartwithasmuchasyoucan.Ifyoudontdothat,yourenotaman!
Muchmoreso,forthepeopleyoulove,youhavetobeseriousandloseyourselfdoingthis!I
canthelpwithanything,butyoucanattendtheseminartrainingswithmoreurgencyand
supportwithallyourenergy!
Moritanimadetheappealwithasadexpression.Myheartwasstruckwithsuchinnocence.
Ok,IlldoallIcan.
Ifeltagreatdealofresponsibilitysteppingoverme,andIwasfullofapologeticsentimentto
bothMasayaandMoritani.
Thenextday,immediately,Isoughtforawaytomakemoney.Moneyfrommycompany
andmyownpersonalmoneywerealreadytooscarce.SuzutaofHomeofHeartadvisedme
toloanabusinessfundfromthenationalfinancecorporationandforthat,Suzutahelpedme
withthedocumentsandIgottheloan.Ialsoreceivedmoreadvicetoloanmoneyfromthe
bankforsuchthingslikebuyapainting.Atthetime,IwenttotheSetagayabranchofFuji
Banktogetmoreloans.Atthenationalfinancecorporation,Iloaned5,000,000Yen.AtFuji
Bank,3,000,000Yen.MostofthatmoneywaspaidtoHomeofHeart.
Noneofthisisenough!Youshouldstillbeabletogetmore!Moritaniencouragedme.This
time,Iloanedmoneyfromfriends.Ihadnochoicebuttobeafraid,asIhadnoprevious
experienceofloaningmoneyfromsomeoneIknew.
Practiceloss!Practiceshame!Themoreembarrassment,themoreyouregosubsides!
Masayascoldedme,Igatheredsomecourageandcontactedafriendbytelephone.Iwas
refusedbymany,butmanystoppedtolistentowhatIsaid.
Iwascrushedbythemedia.Andnow,tostartanewproject,moneyisanecessity.Please,
lendmeyourhelp.
Iaskedwithhumility,buttheanswerwasunanimous.
Isntthismoneygoingtosomestrangecult?
No,definitelynot.Thoselieswereallmadeupbymybrother!
Iexplaineddesperately.
Well,ifyousayso,Illtrytodosomething.
Eventually,Imanagedtoloanthetotalsumof20millionYenfrommanyofthesepeople,
yet,mostlyallofthatmoneywaspaidtoHomeofHeart.
WhenMasayasaid,Whenyoucastyouregoasideanddothissimply,theresultsshow,I
felthappy.EvenwhenMoritanisaidinencouragement,Wow!Youcanstilldomore!,Ifelt
happyaswell.
Afterthat,IsoldandputforonlineauctionmanyofthestagecostumesIhadathome,many
souvenirsandprizesthatXJapanwon,andeventhetrophyXJapanreceivedwhenwe
participatedinNHKsRedandWhitesongcontest.Ievenstartedsellingfurnitureinmy
housetopayHomeofHeartmoremoney.Masayasaid,Youregomaniaisuseless,andto
gatherevenmoremoney,Icanceledmylifeinsurance.OnenightinDecember1998,after
gatheringasmuchmoneyasIcould,astheseminarended,Masayatoldme.
Iwroteasongforyou.Wanttohearit?
Yes.Irepliedimmediately.
Masayasangasheplayedanacousticguitar.BeforeIknewit,HomeofHeartsbasement
room,wheretheseminarshappened,waspackedwiththefemaleStaffmembers.Theyheard
thesongprostratedbeforeMasaya.Whenthesongended,I,Moritani,andthestaffallcried
loudly.WhenMasayafinishedsinging,hesaid.
Singthissong,andhealallofthepeopleinJapanwhohavebeenhurtlikeyou.Homeof
HeartwillreleaseyourCD.Livetruthfullyfromnowon.
Thankyousomuch.ImsosorryIapologizedasIcriedloudly.
Touringbegins
ThenewsinglewasscheduledforreleaseinearlyJanuary1999.UnderMasayasinstruction,
inlateJanuary,Ueda,mymanager,andIwouldflytoallcornersofthecountrytopromote
thesingle.JustlikeinthedaysoftheBrainwashinguproar,wewouldactivelytake
interviewswiththemediaofmanyareasandexplainthecircumstancesofbrainwashing
uproar,advertisingthenewsong.AtreleaseofthesingleCD,themediafromKumamoto
introducedmetoalocalmusicstore,whereaCDsigningeventwouldtakeplace.Atthe
signingday,thereweremorepeoplewaitingtoseemetherethanIthoughtwouldbe.
Withoutmakeup,withoutcostumes,withoutsunglasses,Iwasanentirelydifferentperson
thanoneimaginedofthevisualrockstyle.Iworealightbrown,tartancheckbuttondown
shirt,beigecottonpants,myshoeswereloafers,andwrappedinmyshoulderswasofcourse
alightbrowncottonsweater.Toavoidasmuchaspossiblefurtherproblemswithfashion,I
triedallIcouldtodresslikeMasaya,butintheend,thatalsobecameaproblemtopicin
theirviolenceandabuse.Appearinginpublicwiththatappearancecausedcommotion
betweenthepeopleatthestore,someofthemburstintoapplause.Isatinachairthatwas
placedatthecorridoroftheCDshopandgreetedthem,
HelloeveryonefromKumamoto.ImToshi
IstartedtellingthemthestoryofhowIhadanunhappychildhood,myinferioritycomplex,
howIbecamearockstarbuttherewasntanyhappinessinthat,andhowImetMasayas
musicanditchangedmylife.Then,Iplayedtheguitarandsang.
ThatToshifromXJapanissingingatalocalCDshop
AsIperformedinthisevent,therumorspreadandinnotime,manymorepeoplecametothe
store,alineofpeopleformedoutsidetheCDshop.IstartedtosigntheCDs,allofthe200
copiessoldoutsuccessfully.The200,000Yenresultingofthesesales,immediatelywentto
Moritaniscontrolledbankaccountinthenextday.Bydoingthis,Masayahadfoundoutyet
anotherwaytomakemoney,andfalsetouring,consistingofminiconcertsandCDsigning
eventsunderthenameof(SongTravel).CDshops,shopping
centers,supermarkets,musicalinstrumentstores,rentalvideostores,insidethesestores,
outsidethesestoresAnywherethattherecouldbeanevent,Iwouldaskforan
appointment,inallbusinessplacesofthecountry,aslongasiftherewerepeoplewhowould
betheretopay.Afterthat,oneaftertheother,expensiveCDswerereleased,Iwouldalso
performindependentconcerts,requestmoreevents,andheldperiodicconcertsalloverthe
country.Aslongtherewerepeopletopaymoneyforit,therewasworkeveryday.Inthat
time,Ialsotooknumerousinterviewswiththemedia,intheefforttowipeawaythe
brainwashinguproar.Startingheyearof1999,Ihadalotoflocalwork,andtherewaslittle
opportunitytogobackhome,soMoritaniwaslivingfulltimetogetherwithMasaya.Besides
thebasementroomwheretheseminarshappened,theHomeofHeartheadquartersprohibited
allmenexceptforMasayahimself.IdidntknowhowMoritanisdaytodaylifewas,butI
prayedthatshewasstudyinghardandtrainingMasayasteachings.Inthetwoyearsbetween
1999and2001,Iwenttoover500placesthroughoutthecountryaspartofthetouring.The
moneyfromthatalsoincreasedgradually.During2001,Iwasmaking10to20millionYen
alone.Aminimumfromthatvaluewasspentwithmylivingexpensesandotherexpenses,
underHomeofHeartstaffSuzutasorder,therestallwentintoabankaccountandMoritani
wouldmanageit.Butthemoneyformypersonalloansandcompanytaxesandloanswas
neverpaid.Withoutknowingit,mypersonalandcompanydebtsonlygrew
Realityofthefakevolunteerwork
Fromtheyear2001,thetouringbusinessalsospreadfromCDshopsandotherstorestoan
elderlywelfareinstitution.Attheendof2000totheNewYearsdayof2001,Iwenttoa
HomeofHeartinthecityofNasutoattendMasterTraining.Itwasthefinalday.Masaya
said,Asyoustillhavetime,usethattimetogotovisittheelderlyandhealthem.Your
trainingistogototheseplacesthatXJapanwasntwellknown.Superficially,thatwasonly
fakevolunteerwork,itwasnothingbutanordertogoraisethesalesofCDsandother
products.Bylate2000,thesalesinCDshops,shoppingcentersandotherstorescountrywide
hadreachedthepeak.PerhapsMasayawasnowaimingtodobusinessinwelfareinstitutions
asabreakthroughsolution.Immediately,avolunteervisitwasarrangedatanelderlyhealth
institutionlocatedinYokohama,asaendofyearminiconcert.Beingmyfirstvisittoa
welfareinstitution,naturallyIwasnervous.JustlikeMasayasaid,itwasanenvironment
wherenoonehadheardofXJapanbefore.Ibecameveryanxious.Theplacewherethe
concertwouldhappenwasatasmalllobbyspace.There,Iadjustedthemicrophonefroma
setofkaraokeequipment,putontheguitarstrings,andadjustedthesoundsettings.AsIdid
that,Ithought.
(Whatwilltheythinkofme?Maybetheyllsaytheywontlistenanymorehalfwayand
leaveTheymaygetangryandsaythatitsannoying)
IwasstruckbyafeelingofnervousnessthatIdidnotevenfeelwhenperformingto50.000
peopleattheTokyoDome.
Theelderlyspectatorsstartedtoarriveandtaketheirplacesonthepreviouslylinedupchairs.
Also,about10ofthemcameonwheelchairs.Thefirstrowwasmadeupbythewheelchair
users,andtheyalllookedatmewithsuspicion.Thattime,thestaffexplainedcloselytoa
ladysear,inaloudvoice,thatAformermemberofXJapanisgoingtosing.Thelady
nodded,butIwonderifsheknew.Itwasfinallytimetostarttheperformance,andIappeared
beforetheaudience.Therewereabout30oftheelderlypresentinbothchairsand
wheelchairs,andaroundthem,30ofstaffandthosewhoIsupposearethefamilymembers.
Helloeveryone.MynameisToshi.Previously,Isanginarockgroup,XJapan.
Itoldthemaboutmychildhood,beingbulliedbymysiblings,myinferioritycomplex,having
anothercomplexbecauseofmyappearance.Then,howIbecamearockstar,butinreality
thatwasallemptyandturnedouttobeabattleformyartisticrights.
Recently,mybrother,whowantstohavemyartisticrights,usedthemediawithbad
intentions,callingmeabrainwashedman,eventhoughthatisnttrue,alsoattackingthe
personwhosavedmylifewithlies.Imalreadyoutofthatbattleforartisticrights,Ijustwant
toliveasimplelifefromnowon.Ijustwanttosingthekindoftruesongsthatsavedmy
life.
Amaninawheelchairinthefirstrowcriedloudly.Averyelegantlookingwomaninthe
thirdrowalsowipedhertearswithahandkerchief.Anotherladyinawheelchaircried.The
familymembersandthestaffmembersalsocried.Whentheperformanceended,Ileftthe
guitaronmychair,andwithouttoomuchthought,Iapproachedthemanwhocriedinthe
firstrow.Ishookhishands.Theoldmancouldntspeakclearly,butIamsurethathesaid,
Thankyou.Ireplied,Thankyousir
Then,Iheardfrommanyoftheaudiencemembers,Please,shakehandswithmeaswell,as
theyextendedouttheirarms.Iwenttoeachofthem.
Thankyou,lady
Untilthat,itallwentverywell.
But,thefamilymembersandstaffformedalinetobuytheCDsatastand.Theelderlyalso
seemedinterestedinpurchasingtheCDs.Thedirectoroftheinstitutionalsopurchased
MasayasBGMCD.Thesaleswentupto100,000Yen.
Ofcourse,thepurposeofthiswastoselltheCDsusingthepretextofvolunteerwork.Goto
anelderlywelfareinstitutionandmakethemhappy.Thatalonewasagoodthingtodo,
probably.Buttherealgoalwasonlytoraisethesales.Singingthesesongs,tellingan
emotionalstory,wouldcertainlymakeanyonefeelsadandthepainofloneliness,thefamily
membersoftheselonelyelderlypeople,theveryhardworkingstaffmember.Surely,anyone
wouldcry.Then,makethesepeople,inthatemotionalstate,buytheproducts.Thiswaseven
worsethanafraud,Iwaspretendingtobeagoodperson.AsIwasinconflictwithmyown
hypocrisy,Ihadasmileonmyface,signingeachofthepurchasedCDs.Infearofsuffering
thatterribleviolenceandverbalabuseifIdidntgivethemoneyofthesesalestoMoritani
InfearthatifIseparatedfromMasaya,mylifewouldturnbackintothehellitwasWith
theresponsibilityinmindthatbecauseofmyfamily,MasayaandtheothersofHomeof
HearthadwentthroughsomuchtroublesthatnowtheycouldntevenaffordfoodAsense
ofdutythatIshouldspreadMasayasmusictoallpeopleThinkingthatifpeoplepaidfora
genuineworklikeMasayasmusic,itwouldcontributetotheirowngood
Manymixedfeelingswentthroughmymind.
Intheend,Igotmyhandsdirtywiththecowardlyactionofexploitingpeoplesweaknesses.
Butitcontinuedtoalloftheelderlywelfareinstitutionsofthecountry,welfareinstitutions
forpeoplewithdisabilities,orphanages,hospitalsandmedicalcarefacilities,prisons,reform
schools.Inoneday,Ivisitedroughly5or6places.Fromthe5yearspacetotheyearof2005,
Ivisited5000institutionsandmore,sellingproducts.Ibelievethattheamountsoldinthat
periodwasnotlessthanthreehundredmillionYen.Ofcourse,withouttheexceptofa
minimumtocovermylivingexpense,withtheorderofMoritaniorSuzuta,Iwouldgotothe
bankandallofthismoneywouldgotoMoritani.
Inthattime,sinceearlyinthemorning,IheldasuitcasefullofCDs,aguitarcase,andwent
overtomanyplacestosing.Thiswasharshlabor,andIdidntevenhavetimetorest,aseven
asIwaswalkingorintransport,IwouldgetabusivecallsfromMoritani.Thephonecalls
continuedfromlatenighttoearlymorning.IfIsleptplenty,itwouldbeataround4hoursof
sleep.IfIsleptlittle,itwouldbearound1or2hoursofsleep.Ididnthavetimeformyself
orevenadayoff.Icrossedmyphysicalandmentallimits.Mymoney,mind,physicalforce
andjudgmentwereallstolen.IwaschosentobeMoritaniandMasayasmoneymaking
robot.
Discoveryofthechildabusecase
IstherechildabuseatHomeofHeart!?
Suddenly,Isawatelevisioncameraandareporterwithamicrophonedashingtowardsme.It
wasJune2004,attheendofanevent,whenIwasabouttogetinataxi.Iwassurprisedwith
thesuddennessofitall,butIwasalreadyannoyedwiththemediafromthedaysof
brainwashingturmoil.Itoldthedriver,withfastpacedwords,topleasehurryoutofhere.
Asthedriverclosedthecarsautomaticdoor,thereporterheldthedoorwithhisextended
hand,pushingthemicrophonetome.
Whatsthetruthaboutthechildabuse?
Huh?
Ihadnoideawhathewassaying,andasItriedtoclosethedoor,themanenteredthecar
halfway,inawaysuchthatthedoorwouldntclose,pushingthemicrophonetomyface,it
almosthitmynose.Beyondhisback,thetelevisioncamerawasalsoinfrontofmyeyes.I
thoughtthattheyweredoingthisinakindofrudemanner,butofcoursetheywantedmeto
haveanemotionalreaction.Isaidinacalmtoneofvoice.
Thisisallverysudden.Thisisdangerous,sopleasemoveoverthere.
Thereporteryelledinaroughway.
IsittruethatHomeofHeartandToshiOfficearecommittingchildabuse?
Nosuchthingishappening!Pleasemoveover!
Itriedtoclosethedoor,buthewouldntmoveatallfromthedoorspace.
Hepushedthemicrophonetomyfaceagain,thecameraalsoapproached.Becauseofthat,I
raisedmyvoice,irritated.
Thatsenough!
Withmyemotionalresponseandexpression,hefinallygotoutofthecar.Soonasthetaxi
spedup,IthoughtthatImustcontactMoritanirightaway.Iwasterrifiedthatthisnewcase
wouldbecomematerialfortheirviolenceandabuse.Foramoment,Ihesitated.Butafterfour
yearssincenegativeattacksfromthemedia,Ipressedthedialbuttononthemobilephone
nervously.
Abuse?
AsMoritaniheardtheanoutlineofthesituation,sheimmediatelysaidinacoldtone,Iwill
contactMasayarightnow.
Withthetaxiinmovement,Iwasterrified,thinkingaboutwhatkindofthingsshewouldtell
Masaya.After10minutesorso,mymobilephonerang.ItwasMoritani.
Fornow,contactalawyer,informthesituation.Areyougoingsomewherenow?
Yes,Iminamovingtaxi.
Ok,contactuslater.
Iwasafraidofwhatkindofthingsthemediawasstirringup.Butwhatfrightenedmemore
thanthemediawashowviolenttheabusefromMoritaniandMasayawouldbecome.The
nextday,IwasinthecityofAsukeinAichiprefecture.Iwasinthecity,neartheKourankei
valley,famousforitsautumnalscenery,toperformaconcert.Thefirstflooroftheplacewas
ablacksmithbusinessthathadbeenestablishedbackintheEdoperiod.Thesecondfloorwas
acafewhereIwouldperform.Itwasaneccentricplace,butatthesametime,itfeltlike
home.Theownergreetedmewithasmile.
Itsstillcoldaroundhere,huh?Lookingforwardtotheconcert.
Yes,Illdomybest.
Intheareaofmountains,eventhoughitwasalreadypastspring,thatdaywasverycoldasif
freezing.Theskywasdeepblue,theairwasclear.
Huuh
Withoutrealizing,Iinhaleddeeplythefreshairthatshouldimprovemymood,butbecause
ofyesterdayshappening,itturnedintoasigh.Ihadtwoeventsforthedayandnight.The
cafewascrowdedwithabout50people.
WhenIreturnedtothedressingroomaftertheendofthedaysperformance,mymobile
phonerang.
Thechildconsultationcenterandthepolicearecomingherenow.Theyrealsogoingto
ToshiOffice.Theyretakingthechildren.
IrarelyevergotaphonecalldirectlyfromMasaya,hisvoiceonthephonesurprisedme.
TheplacehereferredtoasherewasthenewaddressfromwhereHomeofHeartandToshi
OfficemovedtoinAugustof2001.BeforeitwaslocatedatTokyoMinato,Minamiasaand
nowitwasatTochigiprefectureinthecityofNasu.Herewasaroominanapartment
locatedinNasusneighboorcityofKuroiso(Now,NasuShiobara).Masayawasprobably
makingthecallfromhispersonalroomattheheadquarters.Hetalkedalmostwhispering,as
iftohidethecontentsoftheconversationtoanyoneoutside,denotinghowserioustheissue
was.
Moritaniisnowholdingthebabyinresistancetothechildconsultationcentersotheydont
takeheraway.
ThebabyMasayaspeaksofisagirlbornoutofarelationshipwithoneofthestaff.
What?!
Iwasinanotherroomnearthedressingroom,feelingthecoldair.Iwasatalossforwords.
LawyerKitoandtheothersalreadysetthetraps!Becauseofyou,eventhechildrenare
beingtakenaway!
Masayasaidthatandendedthecall.
Likeinthetimeofbrainwashingturmoil,themediawasalsoinvolvedinthiscase,and
lawyerKito,knowingofHomeofHeartsdangerousnature,informedTochigiprefectures
childconsultationcenterthatMasayahasorderedthechildrensmotherswholivewithhim
tonotletthechildrengotoschool.Thechildrenaremadetoworkforcibly.Theyare
restrictedfromgoingout.AttherelatedToshiOffice,itisreportedaschildabusethata
mother,inaccordancetoMasayasteachings,israisingatwoyearoldboyinacardboardbox
ofabout1meterwideandtall..Theconsultationcenterstartedaninvestigationwiththese
reports.
Shockingnews
InApril8,2004,aftertheendoftwovolunteerconcertsatwelfareinstitutions,Iwasputting
thingsinorder.Rightaftertheconcert,theelderlywerealreadygatheredfortheirlunch.
Then,overthetelevision,NHKDaytimeNewswason.
TherehavebeenreportsofchildabuseataselfimprovementseminarcenterHomeof
Heart,locatedinthecityofNasu,Tochigiprefecture.Tochigiprefectureschild
consultationcenterhasbeeninvestigatingthecaseforeightdays,basedonantichildabuse
laws.Fiveminorsandinfantshavebeentakenunderprotection
IstaredatthetelevisionscreenasIheardthatvoice.ItshowedimagesoftheHomeofHeart
headquarters.
Theinfantswereputandraisedinsideacardboardbox,thechildrenweremadetodoheavy
physicallabor,theirmealtimesweresetatlateas1AMor2AM.Thechildrenareold
enoughtoattendschool,buttheydidntgo.Thelawyerwhodiscoveredthisinformation,will,
onthe9th,pleadforhumanrightsreliefatJapanFederationofBarAssociations.
Compensationfordamagesandprosecutionisalsobeingconsidered.
ItwasthefirsttimeIfeltpainwiththeheavinessofthesenews.
Afterthat,alongwithapressconferencewithlawyerKitoandpolice,theyshowedimagesof
whatwasbelieved*tobeHomeofHeartsinteriorandprevioussavedfootage.Inthese
news,theyalsoexplainedMasayasbasicteachingprinciples,showedtestimoniesfrom
injuredparties,stagedimagesofthechildrensconditions.ContentsacknowledgingHome
ofHeartisadangerouscultgroupwhichabuseschildren.Withintimidationandviolence,
theyforcememberstogiveoutmoney.
Theprevioustimewithbrainwashingturmoilwasthelevelofvarietyshowsandweekly
magazines,butnow,thiswasnewsofasocialissue,acase.Theinfluenceofbrainwashing
turmoilcouldneverbecomparedtotheinfluenceofthis.
Afterthat,aseriesofpolicereports,civilcasetrialsandoffenseanddefenseoflawyerKito
andtheinjuredpartiesbegan.
Muddytrialsbegin
InMarch2004,awebsitecalledAnalyzingtheproblemofHomeofHeartand
Toshi(PopularlyknownasHTP,PresentlynamedasAnalyzingtheproblemofMasaya
andKurabuchiToruGroup)appearedontheinternet.Itisthoughtthatthiswebsitewas
createdbyaninjuredpartynamedA.ThecontentsofthesiteaccusedMasaya,Homeof
Heart,andMoritaniofgivingthepersonmoney,emotionaldamagefromit,andblamedtheir
advertiser,Toshi.WhenthesitecreatorstartedconsultingwithlawyerKito,thechild
abusecasewasdisclosedtothemedia.InresponsetolawyerKitoandtheHomeofHeart
injuredpartiesuseofthemedia,IreceivedMasayasorders.
Gotothemediaanddenyeverything
Refuteallofthesethingsonyourownwebsite
Thenextday,Itookaninterviewinatelevisionvarietyshow,andpublishedcontentsthat
Masayademanded,stayingawakeallnightlongwritingit,sendingittotheHomeofHeart
managementforapprovalandfinallyplacingthecounterattackonthewebsite.Itincluded
thingslike,Aformerfanandstaffwasharassinguswithstalkeractions,andhasjoined
herselfwithamanipulated,corruptlawyer,seekingherinterest
Masayasaidtome,Dontfight,however,Iwillnotallowthis,andIwillnotforgivethese
people.Wewillfighttotheend.
Then,anapologyfaxwassenttothepersonsinvolvedwiththepreviouslyscheduledconcerts
andevents,butonebyone,allofthemwerecanceled.Afterthat,asthenewsoflawyer
KitoscriminalchargesinTochigipoliceforconfinementandviolationofchildrens
welfare,thenattheLaborStandardsSupervisionforviolationoflaborstandards,Iposted
onmyownwebsiteanotherrebuttal.Then,becauseofthecontentsofthat,inApril2004,
lawyerKitoandtheinjuredpartiessuedMasayaandIfordefamationoncivillawsuit,alsoa
civilclaimfordamagereparation.
AslawyerKitoandtheinjuredpartiesandthemediacontinuedtheirpursuitafterHomeof
Heart,thistimeIreceivedMasayasinstructiontosuetheinjuredpartiesasmyselfandToshi
Office.InMayof2004,Isuedtheinjuredpartiesoncivillawsuitforobstructionof
businessanddefamation.After,stillunderMasayasorder,inJuneof2004,Ipresentedto
JapanFederationofBarAssociationsademandfordisciplinarymeasuresagainstlawyer
Kito.Then,inAugust2004,anotherinjuredpartyclaimedfordamagereparations,More
thanthedamagefromthefeedbackwithviolence,Iwasforcedtoloanmoneyinaquantity
aboutashighas13millionYen.
Thereparationpricewasofapproximately2millionYen.Afterthat,inaspaceofabout6
months,aseriesofmuddyciviltrialsstarted.
Realityofthechildabusecase
IhadonlybeenonetimetotheHomeofHeartnewheadquartersnowlocatedinthecityof
Nasu,Idontknowwhattheconditionsinsidewere.Oneofthechildrenlivedwiththe
womenlivingtogetherasagroup.TwochildrenlivedattheHomeofHeartlodgein
Yakushima.OneinfantfromtherelationshipbetweenMasayaandastaffmember,andatotal
offourchildrenlivedtogether.ThatwaswhatIguessedfromconversationsbetweenMasaya
andMoritani.AttheToshiOfficeapartment,astheseminartraininghappenedatthetime,
underMasayasorder,awomanlivedthereasanemployeewithherdaughterwhowasabout
10yearsold.Ialsoheardthatanotherwomanandher2yearoldsonlivedthereinadifferent
room.EventhoughIwasnamedasthesupervisorofToshiOffice,Icouldnotevengothere
withoutMoritanispermission.PerhapsIwenttheretwice,onlytocheckmyluggage,
spendingverylittletime.Ihadnoideawhatsortofthingshappenedattheoffice.
Masayaslecturealwayshadnegativestancetowardsschool.
Onlydeviantparentsmaketheirchildrengotoschool.
Schoolisonlyaplaceforbadrelationshipsandbullying.
Schoolbrainwasheschildrenwitherroneousknowledge,spoilingtheirinnocence.
Noonewillteachgenuinethingstochildrenatschool,theonlywaytolearnabouttruthis
throughMasayasseminars..
EvenwhenIwasgettingverbalabusefromMoritanithroughthephone,lateatnight,
halfway,thechildrenwouldalsospeakonthephone,alsotakingpartoftheverbalabuse.
WhenIknewofthenewsaboutthechildrenbeingraisedincardboardboxes,themothers
deniedit,butIdontknowwhetheritwastrueornot.
Atthetime,Ithought,Ifthisisreallytrue,itsdreadful!,butatthesametime,Isuppressed
thatthoughtbecauseIthoughtitwaswrong.HavingthoughtscontrarytowhatMasayasay
iscausedbymyegomania.Thataloneiswrong.Masayaisalwayscorrect.Thatwasthe
resultoftheabuseandviolencesmark.Ialwayssufferedwithconflict.
Eventuallyinthechildabuseprosecution,Iwasdeclaredwithoutsuspicionandwasnot
indicted.ThatresultprovedthatIhadnoconnectionwiththiscase.ButMasayaandthe
otherswerejudgedaswithoutsuspicionorinconclusivefindings,leadingtoinconclusive
prooftobeindictedandthecasewasdropped.Thechildrenreturnedfromthechild
consultationcentertoHomeofHeartconditionally.Atthetime,Imayhaveplayedaroleinto
thechildrenreturningtoHomeofHeartandthis,evennow,iswhatweighsthemostinmy
mind.
WhenIthinkofthesechildrenbeingshutofffromtheworld,notknowinganythingother
thanHomeofHeart,andturningintorobotsforMasayasconvenience,itmakesmefeel
trulymiserable.
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NOVEMBER21ST,2014 7COMMENTS YASASHIIKISU
MC89says:
Thankyousomuchforthenextchapter!Keepupthegoodwork
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Heathersays:
November23,2014at10:55am
Thankyousomuchfortranslatingthisbook.Icantellitsamajorproject
butitsoneofthemostfascinatingbooksIhaveeverread.Pleasekeepitup!
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Michelesays:
Thankyousomuchforthe3rdchapter!
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Thanksagain,greatwork!
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luzsays:
December4,2014at8:41pm
thanksforthetranslation whentheyrisethenextchapter?
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December16,2014at12:59am
Thankyousomuch..Youareamazng.
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December28,2014at3:30am
thankyousomuch!
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Helloworld
InvitationtorejoinXJapan
InAugustof2006,IwasperformingaconcertinacityinthemountainareaofNagano
prefecture.Beforetheshow,Iwaspreparinginthedressingroom,alone.Suddenly,thedoor
flewopenandamanenteredthedressingroom.
Toshi!Itsbeenalongtime!
Themanwhosuddenlyenteredtheroomsatbymyside.Surprised,Iturnedtolook,andthe
personwhowastherewasonewhohadbeenmypersonalofficemanagerandXJapans
manager,butbecauseoftroubles,hadbeenfired.ItwasthatTakeda.ThepersonIleast
wantedtoseeagain.Theatmospherewastensejustlikebefore,sincethese12yearsago.He
spokeveryfast,likeamachinegun,ofhiscurrentaffairs.
Ihaveaconcertsoon,Ineedtomakearrangements,couldyoupleaseleave?
Isaidthat,wishingthathewouldleavefast.ButsuddenlyTakedasaidthisveryquickly.
Thetruthis,YoshikisaysthathewantstodoXJapanstuffagain,dontyouwantto?
IfMoritaniknewIhadseenTakeda,itwouldbecomeatopicfortheviolence.Youmetwith
asuspiciouspersonandnowyouaregivingoffbadenergy.
WhenImetMoritaniattheauditions,Takedahadbeensuspiciousofher.Inaway,he
couldvesavedme.But,becauseofthetroublehemade,Moritaniheardmanybadrumors
abouthim.IfsheknewthathecametotalktomeaboutXJapansrevival,Idontknowhow
extremetheabuseandviolenceaboutitwouldbecome,sinceIwasalreadytoldthatX
Japancorruptedtheworldsyoungpeople.Tryingtomakehimleaveassoonaspossibleas
nottomakemysupervisor,Ueda,knowofit,Iforcedhimoutofthedressingroom.
Ihavenowillingnesstodoit!Dontshowyourfacetomeeveragain!
However,inthenextmonth,September,whenIhadascheduledconcertatasmallpiano
saloninMinato,Tokyo,Takedaappearedsuddenlyagain.
Hey!Toshi!
Whyareyouhere?
AsIaskedthat,AtookapeekatmefrombehindTakeda.
Hello,Toshi.Itsbeenawhile.
Ashoarsevoicehadntchangedsince1992,whentheyhadbeenmysolocareerdirectorand
thenhelpedmealotatthetimesofthebrainwashinguproar.AhadalsobeenToshi
Officessupervisor.SeeingAafter6yearswasalsosomethingIdreaded.Butwithoutchoice,
Iletthetwoofthemintothedressingroom.TheirpurposewastoaskmeifIdidntwantto
participateinXJapansrevival.Irefused.
Ittrulydoesntmatterwhatyousay,Idontwanttodoitatall.Pleasedontshowupagain.
Sayingthat,Takedasharplyreplied.
Ifyouaccept,youllbepaidthreehundredmillionYen.Youllbeimmediatelypaidhalfof
it.
Doesntmatter,Idontwanttodoit.Youreonlybeinganannoyance,pleaseleave!I
shoutedinanger.Theyleft.
Afterthat,IreceivedaphonecallfromMoritani.
TakedawenttotheheadquartersinNasutospeaktoMasayaMasayadoesntwanttosee
him,hespretendingnottobethere.HasTakedavisitedyou?
Yes,healsocamehere.
Masayawasnowonthephone.
Whatdidhesaytoyou?
HeaskedmeifIwantedtobeinXJapanagainbutItoldhimtoleaveandnevercome
back.
Ah,Isee
Later,speakingdirectlytobothMasayaandMoritani,Masayaaskedme.
WhatdidTakedasaytoyou,specifically?
IfIrejoinedXJapan,IwouldbepaidthreehundredmillionYen.Andinitiallytheywould
givemehalfofthat.Hesaidhedbewillingtoriskhimselftosavemefromthemedias
criticism.
Hey,Ueda,didyouhearthattoo?Didhereallysaythreehundredmillion?
Ueda,standingnexttome,confirmedeverything.
Then,Masayaspoketerrifyingwords.
Then,inthiscase,letshearwhatTakedahastosay.
InOctober2006,ameetingwasMasayaandTakedawasarranged.MoritaniandIwerealso
present.IttookplaceatahotelroomreservedbyTakedainShinjukudistrict.Upinthe
highestroomofthe45storybuilding,theindirectsoftlighttingedtheblackandwhite
decoratedroominorange.Lookingatthebigwindow,thelightsoftheskylineandthe
headlightsofthecarsonthestreetsseemedtobelikeminiaturesunderoureyes.Backturned
tothewindow,wesatinthesofa.MasayainthecenterandMoritaniandIbesidehim.
TakedawassittingfacingMasaya,leaningforward.
Toshihascausedyoualotoftrouble.Iapologyonhisbehalf.Butthankyoufortakingcare
ofhimuntilnow.ImputtingmylifeonthelinetoprotectMasayaandKaorichan(Moritani)
fromthemedia.
Takedalookeddown.
Ithought,theresnoneedtopraisethem.
Masayaalsospoke.
JustbecauseIownToshisartisticrightsatthemoment,hisfamilyandmanyotherpeople
aroundhimwithbadintentionshavesoughttotakebackhisartisticrights,claimingtothe
mediaIamacult,claimingthattheresbeenchildabuseIvebeeninvolvedwithalotof
theseridiculousincidents.ButToshialwayswantedtoworkwithmeToshiandKaorihave
bothcometomeonthevergeofsuicideIhadtosavethem
Attheageof27Ialreadywastheyoungestpersoninhistorytobelistedinthestock
exchange
Hetoldthatsameoldstory.Then,Takedasaid.
Well,aboutXJapansrevivalThecontractmoneyisofthreehundredmillionYen.Half
ofthatvaluecanbepaidimmediately.
Masayaalsoleanedforward.
ToshisayshedoesntwanttoreturntoXJapanneveragain.However,Icanpersuadehim.
Because,intheend,Iownallofhisartisticrights.But,healsohastocontinuewithhissolo
healingmusicschedule.
Masayanowspokelookingatme.
ArentyougladthatTakedaapologizedonyourbehalfandisofferingtoprotectyoufrom
themedia
Afterawhile,weexitedtheroom.Masayaorderedwelltalkaboutthisinthecarandwe
tookthelifttotheundergroundparkinglotandtothecar.
Yourfamilyandotherevilpeopleattackedmethroughthemediabecauseyourartistic
rightsofXJapanareveryvaluableandtheythinktheycanstealthat.YouknowthatIfyou
performedXJapanscomebackwithmylead,itwillonlyreinforcethatyourartisticrights
aremine.Then,yourfamilyandotherpeoplewouldquittheattacks.Then,mynamewould
becleanagainandIwouldalsobeabletohaveacomeback.So,goaheadandgetthehalf
immediatepayment.Andjustgoonwithituntilyougettheremaininghalf.Yougetit!
MasayasplanaboutXJapansrevival
(Intheend,itsallaboutmoney?)
Icouldntcomprehendthesewords.XJapanhadbeensodemonized,Ihadbeenbeatenand
abusedasfarasbeingcalledacriminalagainsttheuniversebecauseofit.Ofcourse,itwas
burneddeepintomymindthatwhateverMasayasaysisuniversallyrightandthatmy
feelingsofoppositionanddoubtswereuglythingsthatonlyegomaniacsfell.Itriedto
erasethedoubtsfrommymind,butshadowoftherealizationthatIwasgoingtoreturntoX
Japanalwayshauntedsomewheredeepinmyheart.
Moritanisabuseandviolencealsomadesuretodeepenthat.
Youcouldntbringmoneyfromrighteousworksonowyouhavenochoicebuttoget
moneyfromthatrottenXJapan!Yet,ifyouletthatrottenmoneybeusedbyMasaya,hewill
onlyturnitintosomethingbeautiful!
Aftertheharshviolenceandabuse,Masayamademewriteawill.
IwasorderedtowritethatallofthemoneyyouownwillbeinheritedbyMoritani.
Alsothatnothingofitwillevergotoyourmotheroryoursiblings,evenifyoudie.
Later,alawyerwenttoHomeofHearttoreceivethatwill.
FirstconversationwithYoshikiafter9years
InOctober2006,whenIheardfromTakedathatYoshikiwantedtoworkasXJapanagain,I
couldntbelieveit.WithMasayasordertoworkinXJapansrevival,thefirststepwasto
directlymakesurethatYoshikiwasreallyintendingthis.
Afteralongtime,Ipressedthesenumbersonmymobilephone.
IwonderwhatYoshikiisgoingtosay
Alittlenervous,Ipressedthedialbutton.
RiiiingRiiingRiiing
Theinternationalcallsoundrangaboutthreetimesandthenitwaspickedup.
Hi,studio.
MayItalktoYoshiki?ThisisToshispeaking.
Holdon.
Myheartwasbeatingloudly.30secondspassedanditseemedtobesuchalongtime.Then,I
heardthatvoice.
Hello.
ThelasttimeIspokedirectlywithYoshikihadbeenroughly9yearsago,inApril1997.In
thelastliveandatHidesfuneral,wedidnothaveaproperconversation.
Yoshiki,itsToshiItsbeenawhile
Itwasanawkwardconversation,butIknewthatalready.Afterlightexchangeodsituations,I
saidwhatIwasmeaningtosaywithallmycourage.
Bytheway,IheardthatyouvebeenwantingtoreformXJapan
Huh?Idontremembersayingthat.Rather,Iheardthatyouwantedtodoit.
(Sothatwasit.)
ThiswasallplannedbyTakeda,tellingmethatYoshikisaidhewantedtoworkasXJapan
onceagain.
Ah,Isee.Thatsokthen.
Toshi,ImgoingtoJapanlaterthismonth
So,wecanmeetwhenyougethere.
Ok.Wellstayintouch.
ImveryhappythatIcouldtalktoyouafterallthistime.Thanks,Yoshiki
AftermanyyearsofbeingprohibitedfromcontactingYoshiki,IwastrulyhappythatIhad
spokentohim,eventhoughtherewerevariousexpectations.
SoonasIendedthecallwithYoshiki,IcalledTakeda.
IheardfromYoshikithatheneversaidanythingaboutXJapan.Dontgoaroundmakingup
things!
AfterMasayahadgivenmetheorder,IknewIwasntsupposedtomeddlewiththis,butI
wouldnotallowanyonetomakeupliesusingYoshikiasanexcuse,itangeredmegreatly.
MoneyfromTakeda
OnOctober192006,ToshiOfficereceivedfromTakedasrepresentativecompanythevalue
ofonehundredmillionYenontheMizuhoBankaccount.Afterthat,Iwascontactedby
HomeofHeartsstaffSuzuta.
CallMizuhoBankandaskthemwherecanyougoandwithdrawthemoney.
Yes
IcalledthebankandtheyinformedmethatintheirmainaddressIcouldwithdraw30million
YenandattheirNishikasailocation,Icouldwithdraw35millionthefollowingday.Itold
thistoSuzuta.
Then,tomorrowat9AMwellgototheirmainofficeandat10AMwellgotothe
Nishikasaiofficeandtakethemoney.Tellthebankthis.Iinformedthebankofthemoney
withdrawal.
Thenextday,Suzutadrovetheminivan,withMoritanicomingalong,fromNasutoTokyo,
headedfortheenormousbankoffice.
TheMizuhobankofficewasaverytallbuildinglocatedneartheHibiyapark.Lookingupat
itabovethetrees,thebuildingseemedtotouchtheclouds.
Arrivingatthebuilding,SuzutaparkedtheminivanasMoritaniandIgotoffthecarand
enteredthebuilding.Suzutawaitedforusattheparkinglot.
Moritaniwalkedveryclosetome,whisperingdirections.
Getthisdonefast.
Yes.
Placethemoneyinsidethisbag.
ItookafabrichandbagfromMoritani.Then,shegavememoredirections.
Getthe30million,thenthe35millionandpaythemtoHomeofHeartsbankaccount.
Iaskedforanapplicationtobeginthewithdrawprocedure.Moritanitookoutfromherpurse
abankbookandaseal.SheplacedthembesidethedocumentIwaswriting.
Whenourdesignatednumberwascalled,Ihandedthedocument,bankbookandsealtothe
staffbehindthecounter.
Icontactedthebankyesterday,thisisonbehalfofToshiOffice.
Itsaboutcashwithdrawal,right?Pleasewaitaminute.
Moritanisatbymyside,withoutanyexpressionandlookingstraightforward.
ToshiOffice,thanksforwaiting.
Thestaffplacedthe30millionYenonthecounter.Allofitwere1millionYenbanknotesin
abundle.Aftermakingsuretherewere30bundles,Iplacedtheminthefabricbag.
ImmediatelyMoritaniwhispered.
Istherereally30?
Yes
Halfwaytotheexit,MoritaniquicklygrabbedthebagIhadplacedthemoneyinside.
GettingtotheparkinglotwhereSuzutawaitedforus,firstMoritanigotinsidethecar,inthe
backseatandIfollowed.WestartedtoheadtotheNishikasaiMizuhoBank.Duringthedrive,
Moritaniheldthemoneyveryclosely,notspeakingasingleword.Aftera40minutedrive,
wearrivedatNishikasaiMizuhoBank.Justlikeinthemainbuilding,Moritaniwalkedvery
closetome.AsIstartedtofilltheapplicationforwithdrawal,onceagainshetookfromher
pursethebankbookandseal,givingthemtome.Shegavemeanotherfabricbagandsignaled
withalookthatitwasformetoplacethemoneyinsideit.
Thistimeitwas35bundlesofonemillionnotes.Placedonthecounter.AsIcountedthem,
Moritanialsocounted,whisperingbymyside.
Iplacedtheminthebag,andnowIhandedthebankbook,seal,andmoneytoMoritani.
Whenthemoneywithdrawalproceduresended,Ifeltalittlerelief.Ialsofeltalittlepuzzled
athowIwassupposedtohandlesuchalargequantityofcash.ButIfeltaheavydepressing
feeling,sincefromnowon,becauseofXJapansreturn,Iwouldhavetoassociatewith
TakedaandIdidntwantto.
Afterthat,inNovember132006,Masaya,Moritani,TakedaandImetinthatsamehotel
roomtoreceivethreehundredmillionYen,whichwasimmediatelypaidtoMoritani.
InDecember182006,ToshiOfficereceivedfromTakedascompany10millionYenmore.
Onceagain,Suzuta,MoritaniandIdrovefromNasutoMizuhoBankinEbisu.Under
Moritanisorder,5millionand4millionweredividedandpaidpaidintoAmazonPublic
Company'(AcompanyrelatedtoHomeofHeart,Moritaniwasthemanager).1millionYen
waswithdrawnascashandpaidtoMoritani.TheremainingTenmillionwereadirect
paymentinthathotellater.
Goingintotheroombymyself,Takedawas,likealways,veryenthusiastic.Talkingonand
onaboutfutureplans.Heleanedagainstthehugewindowandsaid.
Ifyouwishtoquit,youcanquitanytime.Bythen,Iwillhavethenextvocalistready,so
untilhesready,pleaseakecareofthings.
(HowcouldthathappenwithoutYoshikisagreement?Dontdothingsbyyourownway!)
Ireceivedthecash,andIlefttheroomlikeasifIwererunningaway.Then,thetenmillionin
cashwaspaidtoMortiani,whoawaitedformeinSuzutascarattheparkinglot.
Withthis,thepromisedonehundredandfiftymillionYenwascompletelypaid.Firstthrough
meandToshiOffice,thenintoMoritaniscontrol.
AfterIpaidthemoney,Iwasverballyabusedinthecar.
MasayaismakingyouparticipateinXJapansreturn,soMasayaownsthismoney.Youre
nothavingasinglecentofit!IfMasayachargedyouforallthenuisanceyoucaused,nothing
wouldbeenough.Goandgetmoremoney!
MoritaniandSuzutaleftmealone,andIwenttoabusinesshotelinMinato.Thestaineddirty
wallshadnowindow.Therewasonlyanoldsinglebedinsidethisdreary,confinedspace.I
laidonthebedandclosedmyeyes.
(Howarethingsgoingtobelikeafterthis)
UnfamiliarfeelingsofanxietyanddespairtookovermymindwiththesurrealXJapan
returnprospect.
MeetingwithYoshikiafter10years
InlateOctober2006,YoshikireturnedtoJapan,andameetingwasscheduledatthe
receptionoftherecordingstudio.
Afternotbeingincontactforaperiodof10years,mythoughtsrushed,Ihadnoideaofwhat
Ishouldsay.ToMasayaandMoritani,Yoshikiwasthecauserofallevils,theykept
repeatingthat,nothingbutanefforttoforciblyerasethememoriesfrommymind.Butthose
feelingsandmemoriessincemychildhoodandthroughmanyyearscamebackinaflash.
MasayasordertoparticipateinXJapanmademehesitant,butafter10years,whenYoshiki
turnedtolookatme,itwaslikeasifIwastransportedbacktomychildhood.Anincredible
sensation.
Iwanttoworkyouyouagain.
MaybeitwaswillbadintentionsfromMasayaandtheothersthatIwassayingthisto
Yoshiki,butperhapsitwassomethingfromalloftheseyears,thatnooneotherthan
YoshikiandIcouldinterferewith.
Takedasfall
InDecemberoftheyear2006,thereweresomesuddennews.Takedasufferedsomekindof
accidentandhadtoleavetheproject.
(Well,itsnotsurprisingifTakedaisguiltyofsomething)
A,whocametovisitmetogetherwithTakedainthebeginning,wasnowcontinuingthe
projectasTakedasreplacement.
InMarch2007,Atoldme.
WhydontwephoneYoshikiinLosAngelesandsetupameeting?
IcalledYoshikiinLA.
Yoshiki,IwouldliketospeaktoyouinLA.
Yoshikiadjustedhisverybusyscheduleforthisandreplied.
Themiddleofthemonthwillbeagoodtime.
MeetinginL.A.
16March2007.IwasattheloungeofYoshikisstudioinNorthHollywood,LosAngeles.
IhadbeenpreviouslyhereinApril1997,totellYoshikiaboutmyresignation.
Wesataroundalargeroundtable,facingeachother.Neitherofusknewwhattosay.
Yoshiki,mindfulofme,startedtalkingaboutsoloactivitiessincethen.
Then,mymobilephonevibrated.Theliquidcrystaldisplayinformeditwasacallfrom
Moritani.
Yoshiki,excusemealittle
Ilefttheloungeroomandturnedleft,intothebathroomandtheninsideastallandpickedup
thephone.
Yes,hello.
Iplacedmyhandovermymouthasnottoechotheconversation.
Masayashouldknowallofit.
Hello,whatdidYoshikisay?Ishereallyuptodothis?
IwasaskedbyMasaya.
Yes,Iwillspeaktohimaboutthatafterthis.
Youhavetosaythatbecauseofyou,Masaya,thepersonwhosavedyourlife,wasterribly
slandered,beginseenasacultleaderandchildabuser.Therefore,withXJapansreturn,
MasayaandHomeofHeartmustbeprotected,thenyoullagreetoreformXJapan!
Ok
(EvenifIsaythatIagreetoreformXJapan,theyalreadyhavereceivedonepartofthe
promisedmoney.Masayaandtheotherswanttodothis,butwillYoshikipassivelyagreeto
theirconditions?Yoshikiprobablyknowsaboutthebrainwashingandchildabusecases.IfI
saysomethingtoooutrageous,itspossiblethatYoshikiwillnotbeuptothisanymore)
UntilIendedthephonecallandreturned,distrustofMasayaswordswentaroundinmy
mind.
AsIreturned,theconversationwithYoshikibeganagain,butwasinterruptedoncemore
aftertenminutes,whenmycellphonerang.AgainIleftandlockedmyselfintherestroom.
Sensingmydoubts,Moritanistartedtheabusesuddenly.
AllittakesistomeetanegomaniaclikeYoshikiandnowyourealreadythinkingyoure
aboveall!Whatareyoudoubting?Whateverdoubtyouhave,whateverideayouhave,a
fickleegomaniaclikeyouwillneverbecomparabletoMasayaorhisdeepideasof
everything!YoumustlistentowhatMasayahastosay,youtrash!
Afterthe10minuteorsoabusivecall,YoshikinoticedthegloomymoodIwasinandasked
withworry.
Toshi,iseverythingok?
IstartedtellingYoshikitheusualstoryofhowImetMasaya,howMasayahadsavedmylife
anditsdetailswhenIgotyetanotherphonecall.PerhapsYoshikithoughtthattheseincessant
callswereunnatural.
Thatsalotofcalls.
Sorry,theressomeurgentbusinessbackinJapan.
Hedidntsayanything,butitslikelythatYoshikifeltthatIwasonceagainunderMasaya
andHomeofHeartscontrol.Afterawhile,Yoshikisaid.
TheresasongIwrote,inHidesmemory,doyouwanttohearit?
Yes,ofcourseIdliketo!
WebothwentintotherecordingroomYoshikiwassoproudof,crampedwithrecording
materialsandtools.Yoshikimademesitnexttotheveryhighclassmixingcontrols.That
wastheplacewerethesoundcouldbebestheard.Then,justlikethesameastenyearsago,
heshowedmethesonglyricswritteninhisownhandwriting.Everytimeanewsongslyrics
hadbeencompleted,Yoshikishowedthetomeinhishandwriting.Thissong,writtenin
memoryofHide,wastitledWithoutYou.
Yoshiki,inthebackground,pressedtheplaybuttononthecomputer.
Whenthesongquietlyfinished,Yoshikisaidgently.
Iwishyoudsingthissong.
ThenshouldItry?
Yoshikiwenttothegrandpianoskeyboardandlikealways,Istoodbytherightside.
Howaboutthiskey?
Thekeymostsuitableformyvoicehadbeenchosen.ThiswasYoshikistylekeychoice.
Ithinkamoredifficultkeywouldbebetter.RatherthanakeyIcansingcomfortably,a
higherkeywouldbebest.
WhenIfinishedsinging,andwhenYoshikistoppedplaying,wewereinsilenceforawhile.
Wonderful.
WhenYoshikifinallysaidthis,withoutthoughtIhonestlyasked.
DoyouwanttoworkasXagain?
Idontknowyet
WhenIreturnedtoJapan,MasayaorderedmetoinformonmywebsitethatIhadmet
YoshikiinLA.Withthatnotice,manyfansandmediaspeculatedabouttherumorsofX
Japansreturn.
Ourfirstdrink
Inaspaceof5months,theplansofXsreturnhadnotprogressedmuch.A,andtheirpartner
B,advisedmeagain.
MeetYoshikionceagainandtalkabouttheplans.
IalsoreceivedordersfromMasayatodoit,andinmidAugust2007,asYoshikiarranged
hisschedule,A,B,andIflewonceagaintoLosAngeles.
Thedayofourarrival,IcontactedYoshiki.
Whydontwegodrinkandeattogether?
Withmyinvitation,Yoshikireservedsometimeandarestaurantforus.Itwasajapanese
foodrestaurantinbarstyleIusedtogoalotwhenIlivedinLA.Nowthemanagementhad
changedanditwasnowahighclassjapanesefoodrestaurant.
Ihadnomorerecollectionofthetimeswehadbeenouttodrinktogetherpreviously.Maybe
thefirstexperience.
Whenthewaitedcametogetourorders,Yoshikiorderedadrinkthatheapparentlyalways
chose.SinceIhadbeenunderMasayascontrol,Icouldnotdrink.But,Iorderedabeer.
Toshi,canyoudrink?
Yoishikiasked,eventhoughtenyearsago,alcoholwasnevermystrongpoint.
Yeah,becausetodaywerehereaftersuchalongtime,IguessIllhaveadrink!
Cheers!
Then,Yoshikitalkedalotabouttheolddays,goingfromourchildhood,middleschool,high
school,tothetimewhenXwasanamateurband.Yoshikilookedlikehewashavingfun,
sometimeslaughinguntilthetearscameout.Itoolaughed,feelinglikeachildagain.
Aftergettingintoarelaxedmood,inevitablywewouldhavetomoveontothetopicofX
Japansfuture.
Yoshiki,doyouknow?ThereseemtobemanyXJapanfansallovertheworld.
Ourmusichadspreadaroundtheworld.Eventhoughwevebeendoingnothing
IsaidtoYoshikioncemore.
LetsworkasXagain.
Thattime,Iwasprobablyaskingithonestly,asalongtimechildhoodfriend.Isaidthewords
withoutthinkingaboutit.
Yoshikireplied,speakingveryfast.
IjustfinishedaveryexhaustiverecordingforaHollywoodmusicalmovie,soIcantthink
aboutXrightnow.Ihaveoptimisticfeelingstowardsit,butIcantanswerrightnow.Butthe
songyousangatthestudio,WithoutYou.Iwanttodothatone.Wellstartbyrecording
thatonefirst.
ItslikelythatYoshikihadtodealwiththeemotionalpartofitandhisbusyscheduleto
organizeXJapansreturn.ButmaybethebiggestcauseofYoshikisreluctanceinhis
decisionwastheproblemofMasaya,MoritaniandHomeofHeartscontroloverme.
Yoshikisdecision,challengingtheworld
EndofAugust2007.AsIreturnedtoJapan,IsawrapiddevelopmentinYoshikisdecisionto
reformXJapan.Yoshikicontactedme,noticingthattherewasabigchancethatXJapans
songcouldbeusedasthemainthemesongforanewmovieofworldfamousseriesproduced
inHollywoodcalledSAW.Yoshikihadinhismindthatthiswastheperfectwaytomake
XJapansreturnandalsoworlddebut.
However,hetoldmethattherecouldntbeanydelaysandthesonghadtoberecordedand
finishedinoneweek.Then,Yoshikiaskedmewithemphasis.
Icanreallybelieveineverythingyousay,canI?
Yes,ofcourse
Ididsaythiswithaguiltyconscience,butevenifIwasnotunderMasayaandtheothers
control,itwasmytruewishthatIcouldworkwithYoshikiagain.
Then,wellstarttherecordingsoon!
Hurriedly,Iwasgoingtorecord.AndIwasgoingtosingYoshikissongagainsince10
yearsago.ThetitleofthenewsongwasI.V..
Itwasaheavysong,butatthesamemelodious,withacomplexrangeandclassical
development.ThissongshowedthenuancesofYoshikismusicalsenseasaresultofliving
inAmericaformanyyears.AveryappropriatesongforXJapansrevival.Thelyricswere
entirelyinenglish.
(WillIbeabletosingthissongafter10yearsofsingingonlyhealingmusic?)
Ihadsomeinsecurity,butmyonlychoicewastosing.Yoshiki,afteryearsofprojectsand
workingasaproducerofmanyartistsaroundtheworld,nowgavemeprecisedirectionsand
adviceonenglishpronunciation,bringingoutthebestofmyvocalperformance.
Asaresult,inearlySeptember2007,I.V.waschosen,frommorethan200othersongsby
manyotherartistsworldwide,tobeSAW4smainthemesong.Thiswasalsothemoment
whenXJapansreturnwasdecidedforitsmerits.
FirstactivitywithXJapan,openvideoshooting
InOctober182007,anurgentnoticewaspostedonXJapanswebsite,informingaboutthe
bandsactivitiesstartingagain,thechoiceofthemesongfortheworldwideexhibitionofthe
movieSAW4,andthatXJapanhadnowlaunchedworldwide.
Furthermore,inOctober22,therewasalsotheannouncementthatthebandwasfilmingthe
promovideoforthenewsongattherooftopofAquacityinOdaiba,andthefanscouldsee
theprogressofthisfilminginalargescreenthatwasplacedataparkofthebuilding
grounds.
Untilthen,Ihadbeenworkingwithmuchefforteveryday,withnomakeupandplaindress.
Andnow,unexpectedly,Ireturnedtotherockworld.
Masayatoldmetowearsunglassesandotherordersregardingmystyle.
Allthistime,IhadbeenmadetosayandcontradictmyselfthatIfIcansingthesongsI
reallywanttosing,ashowIreallyam,thenIamhappy,and,IfIcanallowmyselftolive
withoutanyfalseappearances,Iamhappy.
Then,theuselessegomaniahadbeenerasedfromme,butyetIwas,onceagain,therock
vocalistToshi.
Onthelargestageontopthebuilding,6tonsofartificialrainfell.Thefilmingofthe
promotionvideo,whichhadcostatotalof350thousanddollars,started.OneofHides
favoriteguitarswasthereashisrepresentation.Morethan10thousandfanshadgatheredat
theparktowatchonthescreen.Afterthefilmingended,thebandmembersgatheredand
wenttotheparktoaspecialmessageforthefans.
Yoshikitookthemicrophone.
XJapansworlddebuthasbeendecided.Ifitssuccessful,wellbeaimingforaconcert
nextspring.
Heraisedhisvoice,shoutingallatonce.
Yoshikimovedthemicrophoneatmydirection,butIdidntknowwhatIshouldsayandI
hadnowords.IwasinfearthatmywordswouldbecomeproblemstoMasayaandMoritani
andthatitwouldearnmeabuseandviolence,soIdidnotsayanything.
ThiswasthegrandopeningforXJapansreturn,withYoshikislead.
Alighttowardsescapefrombrainwashing
UntilOctober2006,MasayaandMoritanihadbeenprofiting,andIlivedinastateof
poverty,asthetouringIdidbecameeachtimemoreexhausting.
However,IhadbeengoingtowelfareinstitutionswiththeobjectiveofsellingCDsuntil
then,andsuddenlyIwastoldtostop.
Youvebeenwastingalotofmoneydoingthatworkinwelfareinstitutions,butyouvemet
alotofbusinessownerswhosupportme(Masaya).Nowyouhavetosellthemconcerttickets
andmyhealingproductsandhotelmemberships.Andofcourse,youwillalsoraisethesales
fromshoppingcenters,eventsandconcertappearanceswiththeirpaymentandCDsales!
AfterIwastoldthat,everyday,inthesparetimeIhadbetweentouring,Ihadmeetingswith
manybusinessowners,sometimesIhadamealwiththem,requestingtheireffortstohelp
withtheactivities.From2006to2009,itslikelythatImetmorethan4000peopleofthe
mostvariedareas.Inthatnumber,Imetthedirectorsandmanagersofbigenterprisesand
alsomanyfamouspoliticians.
Actually,thefrequentinteractionandexchangewithmyoldfriendsandpeopleinvolvedinX
Japansreturnandtheseofbusiness,whichIhadbeenforbiddenuntilthen,wasthelightthat
showedmethewayout.
XJapansrevivalconcert
Onthe28,29and30ofMarch2008,XJapansconcertwasscheduledatTokyoDome.In
thebeginningofMarchtherewerealsotherehearsals.
Uedahadbeenatthelobbyoutsideoftherehearsalstudio,andinsideofthestudio,where
onlythemembersandconcertstaffwereallowedtoenter,Icouldturnoffmymobilephones
batterysource,notgettinganycallsofharassmentfromMoritani.Performingwithmyold
friendsevenmademefeelalittlebitlesstense.EvenYoshiki,whoIknewsinceour
childhood,astheleaderoftheband,worriedaboutme,toldmethisateveryopportunity.
Illacceptyouthewayyouare,andwelldothistogether.Illlendyoumystrength.
Theconcertticketstoabout50,000seatshadbeensoldoutalmostatthesametimeitwenton
sale.
Thefirstdayoftheconcertshadbeendelayedformorethantwohours.Thereasonwasthat
therehadbeenfoundtechnicalproblemsinthesoundsourceofthehologramthatwouldbe
usedasHide,andtheadjustmentstooktimebecauseofthedifficulty.CombiningHides
imageandplayingtoourperformancehadbeenalreadynearlyimpossible.Butinthetime
beforetheconcert,IreceivedMoritanisabusivecallsincessantly,andhadtodismissstaff
fromthedressingroom,suchasthemakeupstaffandthestylist.AsIsatinthechairfacing
themirror,Ilistenedtotheabuse.
8:17PM,itwasfinallytimefortheconcertandIwenttothestage.In10years,thelastsong
IhadperformedontheTokyoDome,inDecember311997,wasTheLastSong,which
wasnowtheopeningsong.Astheintroplayed,Istartedsinging.

Iwasthensurroundedbytheshoutsofenthusiasticfans.Isangonmyvoiceslimit.I
guessedMasayaandMoritaniwereprobablywatchingthelivebroadcast,hangingonto
everywordIsaidandthewayIacted.
Afterthesethreedaysofconcerts,thenextdayIreturnedtomyowntouringandCDsales.
Untilthen,Moritaniorderedmetotaketheunreservedseatsonthetrainandstayatthe
cheapestbusinesshotelofthearea.Moritanicontinuedtellingmetodothis,however,
MasayashighrankingstaffMatsumoto(namehasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity),ordered
thatItakereservedtrainseatsandstayatregularcheaphotels,tocatchtheattentionofthe
media.
AnartistwhoperformsattheTokyoDomeshouldntlooksocheap.
Aftermeetingthosebusinessowners,manytimestheyboughttheticketsandsupportedme
inmanyways,manytimestreatingmetomeals,lettingmestayinhighqualityhotels,giving
meticketsforhighclasstrainseats,andevengiftedmemoney.
BecauseIcouldntfreelyhavemoneyofmyown,IdidnotpaythemoneyIwasgiftedto
Moritani,instead,Iusedittopaymyloandebtsandtopayaparttosellers.AfterImetall
thesepeople,asmallpartofthatwallinmyheartthatMasayaandMoritanibuiltstartedto
crumble.IstartedtofeeltowardsthemsomedoubtsthatuntilthenIhadneverfelt.
Outsidecontactsexpand
FollowingtheTokyoDome3days,inMay3and42008,amemorialconcertforHide,titled,
HideMemorialSummittookplaceattheTokyoAjinomotostadium.Inthatconcert,X
Japanandmanyotherfellowbandsgatheredforasessionperformance.Therewasa
rehearsalpreviously,andbeingabletoturnoffmymobilephonesbatterysourcemademe
feelrelieved,evenifonlyforasmallperiodoftime.IalsohadfunplayingandtalkingtoX
Japanmembersandtheotherbandsmemberssincesolongago,itwasverynostalgic.
Toshi,itsnicetoworkwithyou.
Theotherbandsmemberswereallverypolite.TherehadbeenmanyofthemthatIhad
knownforalongtimebutalsomanyIwasmeetingforthefirsttime,buteveryonecameto
greetme.Manyofthevocalistsofyoungerbandsalsoaskedmealotofaboutsinging
techniques.
Itmaybeatrivialtopicofconversation,buttomeitfeltfresh.
Inthesefewhoursofrehearsal,IfeltfreefromthecurseofMoritanisabusivephonecalls.
FirstwithYoshikiandnowtobeperformingwithbandmembersIknewforsolongand
interactingwithnewbandsandmakingnewcontacts.Forsolong,Ihadbeenshutofffrom
this.AndnowIfeltthiswasthechancethatIcouldopenlittlebitmoreofmyheart.
Masayasmistake
InDecember92008,atapproximately1:45PM,IgotoutofataxinearTokyoHighCourt.
ThatdaywasthetrialforthelawsuitofoneinjuredpartyagainstMasaya,Moritaniand
HomeofHeart.Masaya,astheaccusedparty,wasgoingtobeinterrogatedthatday.Before
goingtocourt,IreceivedsevereviolenceandabusefromMasayaandMoritani.
WhydoIhavetobejudgedbythesecorporateegomaniacs!?Doyouknowwhatitmeansto
bejudgedandhavetobringalongmyfatherwhoisanofficialoftheMinistryofJustice!?
Then,Moritanishoutedhysterically.
Itsallyourfault!YoudontknowhowmuchthisishumiliatingtoMasaya!Youmonster!
Theymademefallandstartedtotrampleovermeaggressively,kickingmemanyandmany
times.IcriedasIapologizedcontinuously.
Dayofthetrial.15minutesbeforethetrial,startingat2PM,Ireceivedanorderfrom
Moritanitogotowhereitwouldbeheld.Arrivingthere,shealsoorderedthatwegoinside
together,holdinghands.Atthedoor,Iwaitedherarrival.
LawyerKito,onthesideoftheaccuser,pointedoutatthetrial.
AfterMoritaniandToshimarried,soontheylivedapart.MoritanilivedwithMasayainthe
cityofNasu,Tochigiprefecture,asadevotee.ShelivestogetherwithMasayaandmany
otherwomendevotees,beingtheclosesttoMasaya.Toshiisanextremedevoteewhowas,in
themostliteralmeaning,controlledbyMoritaniandMasayatowork,beingexploitedofall
themoney.
Unmistakably,thatwasthetruth.HoweverIwasorderedbyMasayaandMoritanitoactas
ifToshiandMoritaniareacoupleinthebesttermslivingtogether.
InMoritanisblogshepostedmanyfalseentriesaboutushappilylivingtogether.AduetCD
withMoritaniwasalsoreleased,Iperformedtogetherwithheratmydinnershow,actingthe
roleoffriendlycouple.
Whenthetrialbegan,inthecourtroom,atMasayasinterrogation,Iwasshockedbyhis
actionsandspeech.
Beforethetrial,IhadexpectationsofMasaya.
(Masayaisdifferentfromanegomaniaclikeme,hewillspeakandactfirmly,evenincourt
hewillbepreparedtosaygood,truthfulthingsandeveryonewillbeoverwhelmedbyit.)
Thatwasaveryheadlongwayofthinking.
AttheTokyoHighCourtcourtroom,Isatattheaccusedside.MoritaniandHomeofHeart
staffalsosattherewithme.Moritaniheldmyhandasthejudgecouldseethis.
Theinterrogationbegan.
Masayaenteredthecourtroom.Thefeelingoftensionwasheavy.
Hestoodfacingthepresidingjudge,hewasaskedhisaddressandfullname.
MyaddressWellUmIdontknow
(What?)
IstaredatMasayasfidgetybehaviorwithmyowneyes.
Afterthat,hewasalsoquestionedbyaccusersidelawyer,andMasayastartedtodeceive
themwithcrudelies,gettingtoodesperate.Itwasapitiablesight,Ifeltembarrassedbyit.
Then,thepresidingjudgesaidwithdisapproval.
Youshouldbesomeonewhoknowsselfcontrol.Pleaseactwithappropriatemanners.
SeeingMasayasbehaviorinarigidpublicsettinglikethiswasashock.Thethingshesaidto
meinaprivateplaceandthewayhewasactingnowwastoodifferent.
Moritanisaidthingslike,
LawyerKitoandtheothersaregettingintimidated.Theyregettingpale..
ButIdidntfeelthatatall,whicheverwayIlookedatit,itlookedmorelikewehadno
chance.Butevenwiththatsuspicion,Ithoughtthatsomeonewitanegolikeminecouldnt
understandMasayasdeepthoughts.Buttherewasnodoubt,thatMasayasactionsand
speechinthisinterrogationandalsoMoritaniswordsonlydeepenedmygrowingdistrust.
Rightwingorganizationpropagandatruck
InlateJanuaryandearlyFebruary2009,forabouttwooccasions,neartheapartmentofthe
Tochigi,NasuHomeofHeartandToshiOfficeheadquarters,locatedintheTochigi
Nasushiobaratown,therehappenedanincidentofarightwingorganizationpropaganda
truck.Iwasinthearea,doingmysalesactivitywhenIreceivedaphonecallfromMoritani
tellingmeoftheincident.
TheresapropagandatruckofarightwingorganizationandtheyreinfrontoftheHomeof
HeartheadquartersshoutingthatMasayabrainwashespeopleandabuseschildren!Itsyour
faultwecantstepoutsidebecausepeoplearescaredofus.Dosomething!
IreceivedfromHomeofHeartdataofthis,includingpicturesandvideo.Itookthemfor
consultationtothemetropolitanpolicesofficerinchargeofviolentorganizations,whoIhad
knownforsometime.Intheend,thisincidentoccurredduetoabanktroublebetweena
companythatMasayamanagedandtheleaderofthisorganization.
Masayatoldme,detachinghimselffromthematter,
Thosethingsfromthepasthavenothingtodowithit.Thatmafiagroupisactuallyonly
aimingforyourartisticrights.Aslongyouarehere,everyonewillkeepaneyeonus.
Ithought,
(Itsallmyfaultagain)
However,theseorganizationsareaproblemthatallartistsandothersintheentertainment
businessshouldbewaryof.Masayamadehisbanktroubleslinkedwithsuchorganization
looklikeitwassomethingIcaused,involvingmeintheincident.Thiswasanothertime
whenIfeltdistrusttowardsMasaya.
Growingsuspicion
InFebruary132009,ItookthefirsttrainleavingTokyoandgoingtoNasushiobara.Some
hoursbeforethat,lateatnight,IreceivedaphonecallfromMoritaniwithinstructions.
Tomorrowat9inthemorning,youregoingtofilmamusicvideoinNasu.
WhenIreachedtheNasushiobarastation,aftergettingthroughtheticketgateandtakingthe
escalator,coldwindblew.Itfeltlikeitwasfreezingmyface.Afterexitingthetrafficcircle
outsidethetrainstation,thereadeepnavyminivanwiththebackandheadlightsflashing
waitedforme.Therewasfallensnowoutside.AsIwastold,IsatatthebackseatandSuzuta
dovetheminivan.
Masayasnewhouseisnowbuilt,weregoingtheretofilmthemusicvideo.
Whereisit?
VerynearRindolake,nexttotheTeddyBearmuseum.
Howlongwillittaketoarrive?
30minutesorso.
Yes,thanks.
Afterthat,Ilookedatthesceneryfromthewindowinsilence.Thefieldsandgrovesofmany
treesspreadinalldirections.Snowfellsoftly,theruralscenerycontinuedendlessly.
IwonderwhatkindofhouseMasayashouseis
August1997wasthefirsttimeIwenttotheHomeofHeartheadquartersbuildinginMinato,
Minamiasa.Itwasawesternstylebuilding.There,ItalkedtoMasayatwiceinthehealing
roomatthesecondfloor.Inthenextmonth,whenIattendedtheseminarstheremany,many
times,thewholebuildingwasprohibitedtotheentranceofmen,exceptforthebasement
roomwheretheseminarshappened.IdidnotseetheroomwhereMasaya,Moritaniandthe
otherstaffslept.Ihadnoideaiftherewereanyotherrooms.Insummerof2001,Homeof
HeartmovedtoNasucityinTochigiprefecture.TheheadquarterswhereMasayaand
Moritanilivedwerealsoprohibitedtomen,butonlyonceIhadbeenintotheentryliving
roomattheentrance.Otherthanthat,IdidntknowwhatkindofdaytodaylivingMasaya
andMoritanihadthere.ThereweremorebuildingsintheNasucity,buttheywerealso
prohibitedtomen.ToshiOffice,whereonlymynamerepresentedit,waslocatedinasingle
roomrentedinanapartment,andIhadbeenthereonlytwoorthreetimesatall.Masayaand
Moritanislivesweretome,surroundedinmystery.However,IbelievethattodayImight
knowalittlebitofhowMasayasdailylivingwas.
Aftera30minutedrive,turningleftatthenationalhighway,wewentupahillroadso
narrowitwashardforevenonecaronlytofit.Gettingoutofthere,suddenly,therewasa
hugebuildingdesignedlikesomekindofartmuseum.
Wow
Struckbythebuildingsextravagance,thatwordcameout.
Then,Suzutasaid,
Externally,itsbeingusedasashowroomforHomeofHeartrelatedproducts.
Gettingoutofthecar,thefrontdoortothebuildingopened.
Ontheleftside,therewasaclearglasssidedspace.ParkedtherewasabrandnewBMWcar.
Itwasanindoorsgarage.
Anotherdooropened,andwewentin.Theceilingwasfarabove,awidespaceallinwhite
withmarbleflooring.Therewasalargesofainmodernstyle,andMasayaandMoritanisat
onit.Icouldhearthesoundofthevideorecordingmaterialsbeingsetupattheinteriorspace
ofthediningroom.
Ontherightsideofthelivingroomwasaglasssidedspace.ThesameinstantIlookedatit,
Moritanisaidhappily.
Thatisanindoorswimmingpool.Isntthatawesome!Illswiminthatpooltoo.
Anewimportedcar,abuildingexactlylikeanartmuseum,gorgeousinterior,andapoolfor
Moritani
ThesametimeIwasastoundedbythegorgeousqualityoftheinteriors,mymindwentback
toMoritanispastwords.
Themoneyisnotenough,wedontevenhaveanytofeedthechildren!Iamonabedof
nails!Iwanttokillmyself!
Isawtheimagesofhertellingmethiswithsadness,thetearsthatsheshed.
Moritanithensaidthatshewouldshowmetheroomsandstartedtoclimbthestairstothe
secondfloor.Ifollowedher,butmyheartwasfullofdoubts.Therewasabedroomthere.In
thebedroom,immediatelyanextravagantkingsizebedcameintoview.Maybeithadbeen
thebedMasayahadbeensleepinguntilnow,themattresswasalittleoutofplace.Insidethat
room,wasawashroom,probably,wereIcouldseeforamomentthatMasayassweater,one
thatIoncesawMoritaniwearing,hadbeenpiledup.
(Huh,MasayaandMoritaniarelivinghere?)
Suddenly,Ifeltdizzy,likeasifmyheadhadbeenhitwithanironhammer.Myfieldof
visionturnedintopurewhite.Likeaswayinglantern,manydoubtshiddeninthebackofmy
mindreturnedtome.
In2008,MasayaandMoritaniopenedinNasushiobaracityabeautysalon,astonesauna
space,andasmall,butluxuryhotelforwomensuseonly.Masayaorderedmetosellhotel
memberships,andonepersonwhoboughtit,forhundredthousandsyen,wasanacquaintance
ofmine,abusinessowner.Butsheneverwenttothehotel.EventhoughIsoldthe
membershipstomanyothers,Ineverheardofanyonestayingatthehotel.Iwonderwhaton
earththatplacewasbeingusedfor.
Also,inTokyoIusedtoseebothMoritaniandMasayaalwaysdrivingluxurycars,suchas2
differentPorsches,VolkswagenTouareg,Bentley,andothers.
Aboutthecars,Moritanitoldmethat,
We(HomeofHeart)arepoor,sowhenwegoonbusinesstomeetpeople,orgooutside,we
mustmakeeveryonethinkthatwearerich.Businessismoresuccessfulthatway.Sowemust
driveluxurycars.Whenwegoonmeetingswealsomustgoondifferentcarseachtime.
AndIbelievedinallofthat.
Thoughtsofdistrustwerespinninginmymind.Abuzzinginmyearsuddenlybecamelouder
andlouder.WhenIrealized,Ihadbothofmyhandscoveringmyears.
Hey,getdownherequickly!
IheardSuzutashighpitchedvoice.WhenIreturnedtomysenses,Iwentdownthestairs.
Whenthefilmingforthevideointhelivingroomended,ItookthetrainbacktoTokyo,
alwayswatchingthesceneryfromthewindowvacantly.Ihadnostrengthlefttothinkabout
anything.
Daysofconflict
Entering2009,XJapanhadmuchactivity.InJanuarytherewasthefirstoverseasconcertin
HongKong.Intwodaysofconcerts,with20,000peopleattending,ithadbeenasuccess.In
lateApril,theconcertinTaiwanhad10,000attending.AsXJapansvocalist,notonlyin
JapanbutinmanycountriesofAsiahadmadememorewellknown.Still,Iwaslivingin
suchwaythatIaskeddesignerfriendstomakemestagecostumesandnormalclothes,either
freeofchargeorbyloan.Formeals,thereweretimeswhenIwasinvitedtoeatwithfriends
thatwerebusinessownersandtheirbusinesspartners.Ifnot,everynight,Iwenttothe
conveniencestoreandboughtonericeball,odenstylefood,onepackofvegetablejuice,and
onebottleofoolongtea.500to600yencoveredmyfoodexpense.Onceinthreedays,I
wouldsendmyclothestothecoinlaundry,spending300yen.Mycostofliving,covering
thesethings,alongwithtransportandlodging,withonlytheessentialbasic,foramonthwas
ataround30000or40000yen.
Withthatlifestyle,IwenttoperformwithXJapanattheTokyoDomeinMay2and32009.
Butevenatthattime,IhadnorestfromHomeofHeartbusiness.
Daysbefore,inApril29,IheldtwominiconcertsandCDsigningeventsinashopping
centerinthecityofIzumisano,Osaka.
Following,inMay4,IalsoheldtwominiconcertsandCDsigningeventsinashopping
centerinthecityofYokohamainKanagawaprefecture.InMay5,twominiconcertsandCD
signingeventsinashoppingcenterinthecityofOmutainFukuokaprefecture.May6,two
moreminiconcertsandCDsigningeventsinashoppingcenterinthecityofMoriyamain
Shigaprefecture.
AftertouringAsiaandJapan,havingmanyspectatorsandXJapanbecomingamajor
presence,beforeandafterthat,likealways,doingmyownconcertsatshoppingcenters,of
courseIfeltdistrust.ButMoritaniwouldcontinuewiththeviolenceandabusetoerasethat
outofme.Eventhough,inmheart,Istillcontinuedtofeelsuspicionsgrowingbigger.
Trialdecision
Thedecisionforthattrial,whereIstartedtofeelenormousdistrustofMasaya,wouldbeout
inMay282009.ThiswasoneofthetrialbattlesbetweeninjuredpartiesandMasaya,
MoritaniandHomeofHeartsince2004.ItwasthefirstresultfromtheHighCourt.Iknewof
itbyreadingnewsontheinternet.
LeaderofselfimprovementseminarinstitutionHomeofHeart(TochigiPrefecture),Masaya
orToruKurabuchi,isaccusedofstirringupanxietybydeclaringthatWhoeverleavesthe
seminarwillonlyliveahellishlifeoutsideofitandalsoofexploitinggreatquantitiesof
money.Awoman(41)ofthesameprefectureislegallyrequestingreparationsworth21
millionyenfromHomeofHeart,Masaya,KaoriMoritani,thevocalistofXJapan,
ToshimitsuDeyama(Toshi),andofallcompaniesrelated.TheTokyoHighCourt,onthe
28th,hasdecidedonthereparationsvalueofapproximatelyfourhundredthousandyen
increase,apaymentorderofapproximately15.8million.JudgeOotaniYoshiohaspointed
outfounderMasayascontinuoususeofviolenceandterror,forcingvictimstopayallofthe
moneyintheirpossessiontoHomeofHeartandreformingpeople.Itisacknowledgedthat
thesepracticesareunacceptedinsocialstandards.
Iwasastonished.Ipersonallywasntoneoftheaccused.IdidntknowwhatpositionIfound
myselftobeintheinjuredpartysaccusations.But,ofcourse,thenewshadtoinvolvemy
nameinit.Ireceivedshockfromtheinformationbeforeme.Then,thetearsstartedtowell
up.
ItwaswhenIfeltaviolentpainasifmyribshadbeentightened.AsIthought,Icouldnt
breathe.Icrouchedtothefloor.Istayedthere,inthatway,forabouttenminuteswithout
moving.
Afterthatday,Istartedtofeelthesamepainalongwithpalpitationsandaterribleheadache,
mybodystartedtreactabnormally.
Abuse,violence,chronicinsomnia.Travelingtheentirecountrywithoutonedayofrest,
movingcontinuously,transferringmoneyovertoMoritani.12yearshadpassed.SoonI
wouldbe44,certainlyamiddleagedman.DidIstillhaveanormalsenseofjudgement?
(ArentItoomuchaliketheaccuser,whopaidallofhermoneyinpossessiontoHomeof
Heartandwasreformed'?)
HatredtowardsMasaya
Atthistime,Masaya,Moritani,andhighrankingstaffMatsumoto(namehasbeenchangedto
protectidentity)cametoTokyoand,likeeverytime,stayedatasuiteroomofahighclass
hotelcalledConradTokyo.Atthetimeoftheirlodging,Iwascalledintotheroomaftermy
workforthedayended,thereIreceivedintenseabuseandviolencefromMoritani.
WhenIwascalledintotheirroom,IsawthemhavingafeastwhichMasayahadordered
fromroomservice.
Oneday,therewasaroundtable,nearthewindow,thatwasservedwithmanydishes.
MoritaniputmewithmyfaceonthefloorandasIreceivedtheviolenceandabuse,Icould
hearthesoundsofthemeating.After30minutes,theviolenceandabusefromMoritaniwas
over.Istayedthere,lyingonthefloorasIcried.Masayathentoldme.
Hey,chinman,youeattoo.
IraisedmyfaceandlookedatMasaya.Isawhimstuffinghisfacewithsteak,hiscoldeyes
lookingbackatme.Hesatandhisfatbodybulgedinaslouchedway.
Seeinghiminsuchawretchedwaymadeacoldshiverrundownthroughmyspine,asI
knewagainwhatwastofeeldisgustandhate.
12yearsago,whenImetMasaya,hehadahandsomeface,hewastall,slim.Ithoughtthathe
hadthevisionforanewerainbusinessandthathewasacool,youthfulentrepreneurand
artist.Butnow,therewasnotraceofthatinMasaya.
Ialreadyhadenoughsoyoueatnow,chinman.
Hepersuadedmetoeatwhatwasleftofthemeal.Ofcourse,Ihadnoappetiteforthat.
Excuseme,Imnothungry.
Ireplied.
Atthispointintime,Inoticedsomethinginmewassurelystartingtochangetowards
MasayaandalsoMoritani.ButIwasafraidofthis,andIdidntdaretothinkofit,sealingit
awaydeepinmyself.
Theirgoalwasmoney
Untilnow,inthese12years,almosteverydayIhadtogotothebanktopayortransferthe
moneyIhadonhandtoMoritani.AfterXJapansreturnin2008,onceintwoweeks,Masaya
wouldcomefromNasutoTokyoandIwouldpaythemoneyforMoritani.Inamonth,if
therewaslittlemoney,itwouldbeataroundseveralthousandmillionyen.Ittherewasa
lotofmoney,itwouldbeataroundseveralbillions.TheonlywayIcouldescapefromthe
abuseandviolence,eachtimeincreasinginseverity,wastopayMoritani
Oneday,lateJune2009,aftergoingthroughalotofworktomake5millionyen,Iwasgoing
topayitdirectlytoMoritani.Sheaggressivelysnatchedthemoneyfrommyhand,shouting
inhysteria.
Thisisnotevenclosetobeingdamnenough!
SomedaysagoIhadpaidherincash3millionyen.
Thatwaswhenithappenedagain.Allofasudden,myribsfeltliketheywerebeing
squeezed,breathingbecamepainful,myforeheadbecamedampwithcoldsweat.Myface
contortedfromtheexcruciatingpain.But,Moritanistartedwiththeverbalabusewithno
concernatall.
Becauseofyou,everyoneishavingitrough!Youchinman!
Thecoldsweatrandownthebackofmyneck.Graspingmyfists,Iwasshaking.ButIfelt
couragesurgingfrominsidemystomachandIcouldntholditbackanymore.
Intheend,itsallaboutmoney,isntit?!
ThiswasoneofthesemomentswhenIfeltthestrongsenseofdoubtIhadaccumulated
show.ThiswasthefirsttimeIshoutedbackatMoritani.
Afterawhileofsilence,shesaidinacoldtone.
WouldyousaythattoMasaya,facetoface?
Ididntsayanything.
IstillfeltalighterpainaroundtheribsbutIcouldbarelybreathe.
Unexpectedly,Moritanidramaticallychanged,nowshestartedtocry.
Ijustwantyou,Ago*,todogooddeeds.Ifullysupportyou,Ago.Imdoingallthishard
worktosupportyou.
*Ago=chin
Icouldonlyhearliesinthesewords.Whenshetoldmethingslikethis,Iusuallyfeltvery
apologetic.Butnow,Ionlysawitassometypeofacting.
Moritaniwasnow,tome,afrighteningdemonwhocametostealmymoney.
Decisiontoescape
Dayslater,inJuly32009,IhadaconcertinMeguroGajoen,Tokyo.AsIsang,Ifelt
uneasinessaboutwhatkindofcrueltreatmenttherewouldbe,asIhadrepliedbackto
Moritanisomedaysago.Intheend,itsallaboutmoney,isntit?!
Aftertheconcertsend,IwastakenbySuzutatoMasaya,MoritaniandMatsumotoshotel
room.
Intheroom,IreceivedsevereviolenceandabusefromMasayaandMoritani.Masayasaid.
ItseemslikeyouhavesetyourselfagainstWanku(thisishowMoritaniwascalledinHome
ofHeart)
DoyouknowIcouldsellyoutothemafia!Youmaybeevenworthsomething,maybe3
billion!Illsellyoutothemafiaandyoullpayforallofyoursins!
Ashethreatenedme,Iwasonthefloor,withmyfacetotheground.Many,manytimes,I
wassteppedonwithforce.
Then,Moritanistartedtosteponandkickmeinthesamemanner.
AsIenduredthepain,Ithought.
(Isntthisjustpureviolence?)
Inthebeginning,Ibelievedthattheabuseandviolencewouldmakemebecomeabetter
person.Buteachtime,itbecamemoreaggressive.Now,itwasonlyplainviolence.Andthen,
therewastheverbalabuse,orpsychologicalviolence.Iwascontrolledbythefearofthese
twotypesofviolence.
Andnowthethreatofbeingsoldtothemafia.
MasayaalwaysputemphasisonhimbeinggoodtermswithamafialeadercalledS,who
wouldhelphimwithseveralmillionyenatthetimeheclaimedtoownmanydiscoclubsand
cafesinRoppongi.Masayaalsoclaimedtobeongoodtermswithamafiaboss.Ialways
shiveredwhenhethreatenedtosellmetothemafia,itsoundedlikealegitimatethreat.I
dontknowifitwasbecauseIwasbeingsteppedon,orbecauseofthatpaininmyribs,butI
startedhavingdifficultybreathing.Thecoldsweatandtearsmademyfacemessy.
(Atthisrate,Imreallygoingtobesoldtothemafia)
(ForhowlongwillIhavetolivetroughthesehellishdays?)
(WhyamIalive?)
(Icanthandlethisanymore.)
(IhavetorunawayfromMoritaniandMasayasomehow.)
Asmyconsciousnessfaded,Ifinallytookthedecisiontoescape.
SeveringcontactwithMoritani
Thenextday,July4,Ididnotsleepmuch.Earlyinthemorning,IlefttoOkinawaforan
appearanceinapharmaceuticalcompanysevent.IntheflightfromHanedaairporttoNaha
airport,theotherpassengersallseemedliketheywereonvacation.Theatmosphereinthe
flightwasrelaxing,butIhadpainfrombeingkickedonthebackthepreviousnight,theusual
paininmychest,andthrobbingpaininapartofmyface.AsItriedtowithstandthesepains,
Istaredatthewindow,thinkinginnothingelsebuthowIwouldplanmyescape.
(But,nomatterwhichwayorhowIescape,theresnodoubtthatMoritaniwouldgoafter
me)
WhenIclosedmyeyes,Isawherevilexpression.Feelingnauseous,Istoodfrommyseat
andlockedmyselfinsidethetoilet.
Withmythoughtsinchaos,theplanereachedNahaairport.Iwaswarmlygreetedbythe
companyownerinOkinawa.
Youseemtobeverytired,areyoufeelingwell?Apartfromtheconcert,Iwantyoutotake
yortimetoresthereinOkinawa.Thisismygifttoyou,wearthisandmaybeyoullfeela
littlebitlikeitsavacation.
MaybesensingsomethingthatIfelt,addressingmewithworry,thecompanyownergaveme
agreenalohashirt.Theownerseasygoingpersonalityandtypicaltraitsofapersonform
Kansaimademefeelrested.Butthatday,noteventhecompanyownerssmileortheblue
skiesandseaofOkinawacouldmakemefeelbetter.
Thenextday,duetoanotherevent,ItooktheplanefromOkinawatoOsaka.Duringthe
flight,Ialsokeptthinkinginwaystoescape.ButIfeared,WhatwouldhappenifIget
caught?.EachtimeMoritanisterrifyingfaceflickeredinmymind,Ifeltnauseousandhad
tolockmyselfinthetoiletoverandover.AftertheworkwasdoneinOsaka,Itookthenight
trainwithmanagerUeda.InordernottomakeUedasenseanything,Iplayedalongasif
everythingwasnormal.WhenIreachedTokyo,IwascontactedbyYoshikismanager.The
managerinformedmethatYoshiki,inLosAngeles,hadsentanurgentrequestthatIsingX
Japansnewsong.PartingfromUeda,ItookataxialonetoarecordingstudioinGinza,
Tokyo.WhenIgotthere,theengineer,S,whohadbeenmakingpreparations,approachedme
andsaid,inshock.
Toshi,youlookterrible.Areyouok?
Inoddedweakly,andwastoldtowaitattheloungefornewsfromYoshiki.Ilaydownand
restedatthelounge,closingmyeyesandthinking.
(IfIstayrecordinguntilmorning,IllhaveanexcusenottopickupMoritaniscalls.Idont
havetopickupthephonethattime.Tomorrow,6,Ihaveameetingwithaclothesmaker,and
IdontneedUedatoaccompanyme.Then,inthenextday,7,Icansuddenlycancelmy
appointmentsandhavenothingfortheday.Meanwhile,IwontpickupmyphoneandIll
disappearsomewhere.)
(But,whatifMoritanicatchesme?WhatkindofpunishmentwillIhave?WillIbesoldtothe
mafia?)
BeingsoldwouldmeanthatMasayaandMoritaniwouldsellmyofficetoamafiagroupthey
knew,MasayawouldsecuretheprofitsandIwouldhavetoworkforthem,bringthem
money.Underthecontrolofthemafia,Iwouldhavetoworkmywholelife.Moneyhungry
asMasayaandMoritaniare,theywouldbeverysatisfiedwiththis.But,ifitturnedtothat,I
wouldratherdie.
(Theresnoothertiming.Imustrunaway!)
Withthatdetermination,Istoodupfromthesofa.Then,Iheardaknockonthedoor.Iheld
mybreath,myheartracedasifitcouldstopasIimmediatelythought,(IsitMoritani?).
ThenIheardthevoiceofYoshikismanagerfromthedoor.
Toshi?
TimidlyIrepliedYes,quietly.
Imsorryyoucameallthewayhere,todaythesetupwithYoshikioverfromL.A.isnt
working.Itsbeencancelledtoday.
Ok,Iunderstand
Irepliedquitelytotheothersideofthedoor.
IthadbeencancelledafterIhadwaitedtwohours.Afterthat,Istillstayedatthelounge,deep
inthought.Ijumpedasthecellphonerang.ItwasMoritani.IcouldsayIfeltlikeasoldier,
headingtothefrontlineinbattle,Iwasreadytodoordie.Ididnotpickupthephone.
Afterthat,until3AM,Moritanicontinuedcalling.Istilldidnotpickup.Itwasthefirsttime
thishappenedsinceImether.
Everytimetherewasanincomingcall,Ifeltnauseous,somepartofitbecauseoffear,and
hadtotogothetoilet.
InthisstateofbodyandmindwhereIwasbeingchased,IdidntfeellikeIwasalive.Aftera
while,thephonecallslessened.Ileftthestudio,whereIhadbeenuntil3AM,andwentto
myroom.ThenightwasoverandIdidnotsleepforoneminute.After9AMofthenextday,
IstartedgettingMoritanisphonecallsagain.Isetmyphonetosilentmode,buteverytimeI
feltitvibrating,ofcourseIhadnausea(Iwasterriblyafraid)andfeltashamedofmyself.
Intheafternoon,Moritanicalledoverandover.Sheleftmessagesontheansweringmachine,
angrilyorderingmetopickupthephone.IshiveredwhenIheardhervoice.Shealsosent
manytextmessagesorderingmetoanswer.
Atnight,thephonerangagain,butwhenIlookedtoseeifitwasMoritaniagain,thistimeit
wasYoshikismanager.
Yoshikireallywantstorecordthesongtomorrow,startingfrom9AM,howareyour
circumstances?
Thiswasnotadirectconversation,butamessagethemanagerleftontheansweringmachine.
Recordingwasimpossible.IfIagreedtorecord,therewasahighprobabilityMoritaniwould
knowofitandfindme.
SoonIcontactedYoshikismanagerwitharefusal.Themanagerreplied,greatlytroubled.
Iftherecordingisnotdonebytomorrow,itsgoingtocreateaveryworrisomesituationin
America,theresadeadlineforit.ThisisaurgentrequestfromYoshikiandalloftheX
Japanstaff.Cantyoudoanythingaboutit?
Oh,isthatso?Inthatcase,Iwilltrytofititinmyschedule.Illcontactyoulater.
WhatshouldIdoIthoughtthatIcouldrunawayfromMoritaniandMasaya.ButI
understoodthatinthissituationwithYoshiki,Ihadbeencornered.
Allright.Illbeatthestudiotomorrowuntil9.Butplease,donttellthistoanyone.
Understood.Thankyou,thankyousomuch.Yourehelpingalot.Seeyouthere.
Please!DontletMoritaniknowofit!Thiswasmylasthope.
Kidnappingandconfinement.7July2009,adayIwillalwaysremember
Icontinuedwithoutsleep,nowithadbeenmanydays.Ididnoteatordrink.Iwasfalling
apart,physicallyandmentally.
OnJuly7,10minutesbefore9AM,Iarrivedbytaxiattheentryoftherecordingstudioin
Ginza,OnkioHaus.
God,pleasedontletMoritanifindme.
IclosedmyeyestightlyandwishedtoGod.
Iexaminedmysurroundings,buttherewasnoonearound.Ileftthetaxi,fearful.Myfeet
trembled.Inquick,smallsteps,Iturnedtogoforthebuildingsbackentrance.Istoodbefore
thefirstfloorelevator.Ilookedaround,butthebuildinglobbywasveryquiet,sinceitwas
earlyinthemorning.
Itooktheelevator,pressingthebuttontothethirdfloor,whichwasthefloorofthestudio.
Myfingertipstrembled,myheartpoundedasifitwasgoingtoexplode.
Soon,thedoortothethirdflooropened.
Please!
Iclosedmyeyestightly.
Ah!
TheinstantIopenedmyeyes,Istoppedbreathing.
Moritanistoodinfrontofme.
Hereyeswerestifflylifted,coldlikeademons,glaringatme.
Shetriedtograbmyarm,butIshovedherhandawayroughly,runningtothestudiosdoorin
astraightpath.
Moritani,insilence,triedtograbmetightlybythearmagain,whenIpushedherhandaway
againandmanagedtoopentheheavysoundproofeddoorshandleandgetinsidethestudio.
TherewassomeresistancefromherbutIcouldclosethedoor.Moritaniwouldntgetpastthe
studiosdoor.
There,inthestudio,theengineerandassistanthadalreadymadethepreparationsandhad
beenwaiting.
Goodmorning,Toshi.
Theengineer,S,whowassitting,turnedaroundtogreetme.Ssawmedesperatelygetting
insidethestudio,withmyfaceverypale.
Iseverythingok?
Saskedme.
Soon,asatelliteconnectionwasstabilishedwithYoshikisstudioinL.A.,andthevocal
recordingbegan.
Ofcourse,Ididntwanttoleavethestudio,Ididntevenwanttotakeatoiletbreak.Aftera
fewhours,Ihadnochoicebuttoopenthedoor.Takingalookattheconditionoutside,andin
thelobbylounge,Moritaniwassittingonthesofa,whenoureyesmet.Sheglaredatmewith
aterrifyingglintinhereyes.Soonshestoodup,andapproachedmyside.Shegraspedmy
armandstoodveryclosetome.
Hey
Sincetherewereotherpeople,shewassayingthisinaveryquietvoice.Ignoringher,I
walkedovertoarestroomnearbytheelevator.
There,Ithought.HowshouldIgetawayfromMoritani?ItslikelythatshecontactedHome
ofHeartmanagersandtheyarewaitingformeoutside.Imustdosomething.WhenIleftthe
restroom,shewasstandingthere.IthoughtIdstopandsaysomething,butIproceededtogo
backtothestudio.
Whentheclockfinallystuck12,therecordingcontinued.Eventhoughitwasalongrecord
session,Idesperatelywishedthatitwouldneverend
Eventually,at10PM,therecordingwasover.IthoughtasIpreparedtoleave.
Atanyrate,theonlythingIcandoisrun.
Withthatdecision,Iopenedthestudiodoor.ImmediatelyMoritaniapproachedme.Then,
sheheldmyleftarmfirmlywithbothhandsandbroughtmewithincredibleforcetothe
elevator.Whenthedoortothefirstflooropened,justasIthought,Iwassurroundedby
HomeofHeartstaff.
Planofescapefailed
Itsover,theresnoescapenowMoritanidraggedmebythearm,andfasterthananything
Ihadbeenthrownintothebackseatofaminivan.
MasayaiswaitingforyouinNasu.
MoritanisaidasIwaskidnapped.
Insidethecar,headingtoNasu,Moritanisaid.
Whatthehellwereyouplanning,bastard!Whatkindofintentiondidyouhavetodothis!
Assheyelled,overandovershemercilesslystruckmewithherfists,asIwasmadetobe
crouchedinthespaceunderthecarseat.Thisassaultcontinuedforthetwohoursandhalfit
tooktoarriveinNasu.
Thecarfinallystopped.WhenIwastakenoutofthecar,wewereatthatgorgeousbuilding
inthemountainrecesses,whichwasMasayasnewhouse.Wewentinside,Moritanistill
holdingmyarm,passingthroughtheindoorsgarageandintothelivingroom.Masayawas
sittinginthesofa,placedonthevastwhitemarblefloor.
Killthischinman!
WhenMasayasaidthistoMoritani,IwasthrownonthegroundandMoritaniscreamed
furiouslyasshehitmyback.
Forhowlongwillyoucauseustrouble!Youmonster!
Otherpeoplejoined,kickingmyback.
IheardMasayasvoice.
Isellpeoplelikeyoutothemafia!
Mybackwassteppedonwithforce.
Notbeingabletobreathebecauseoftheextremepain,Istartedtoloseconsciousness.After
thatIdontknowforhowlongtheviolentactscontinued.
Ifthingsstayedlikethis,Iwouldreallybesoldtothemafia.
Ihadtorunaway,somehow.
Atonepointintime,whenIwasstillunconscious,IheardMasayasvoice.
Whatnow?
AndthenIreturnedtomysenses.
WouldIgetoutofthisplace?
Promptly,Isaid,kneelingdown,myheadtouchingthefloor.
Imverysorry.Please,continue.Imsorry.
TodayIcouldntattempttoescapeanymore.Ihadallofmyfreedomstrippedawayfrom
me.FromtomorrowuntilthedayIdied,wouldIcontinuetoliveeverydayasaslave?
Getoutofhere!
WiththesefewwordsfromMasaya,Istaggered,tryingtogetbackonmyfeet.Sothiswas
whatwasreallyliketofeeldespair
Maybeitwasfrombeinghitontheheadandearswithaslipper,butIheardaloudbuzzing
soundthatwouldntstop.Ifeltathrobbingpaininmyeyes,myfieldofvisionwasblurred.
Withgreateffort,Ileftthebuilding.Iwasplacedinsideacarandleftatthefrontofa
businesshotelinNasushiobaracityataround4inthemorning.
Aftergettinginsidethehotelroom,Icouldntevengetonthebed,instead,Ileanedagainst
theedgeandonceagainmyconsciousnessfadedforawhile.
Myfacewasswollen,mycheekscut,andIfeltimmensepaininmybackandribs.Ihad
troublebreathing,andwiththataviolentcoughingfit,whichcausedevenmorepaintomy
backandribs.
Lookingoutsidethesmallwindowfromthenarrowroom,Icouldseetheskystartingto
brighten.
(Whydidmylifebecomelikethis)
Thecornerofmyeyesbecamehot,Iwipedmytearsawaymanytimesoverwithmyhands.
ThefirsttimeIshowedmytruefeelings
Onthedayofmy44thbirthday,inOctober102009,atnoon,Ihadameetingwithan
acquaintancewhowasplanningtoholdapersonalevent.AfterIreceivedtheguaranteefeeof
1millionyen,IphonedMoritani,whowasinNasu,toinformherofit.Soonafter,Masaya
alsocalledme.
Forchinmansbirthdaypresent,Wankuiscomingover.
Iknewitmeantthatshewouldcomeovertotakethemoneyawayfromme.
Thenightofthatday,Iwenttoabirthdaypartyanacquaintancehadsetupformeatthe
highestflooroftheArmaniTower,inGinza,Tokyo.Itwasapartyinformofeventthat
gatheredaround100ofmyfans.
JustbeforeIappeared,IsawMoritaniinthedressingroomandsuddenlyIfeltanabnormal
itchingsensationallovermybody.Iwenttothetoiletandscratchedmyarms,legs,back
untilIwascoveredinbloodyscars.Itwassoevident,Icouldnt,underabsolutelyanyreason,
takemyjacketoffinfrontofallthepeoplethere,asmywhiteshirthadbloodstains.Along
withmybadconditionoftheexcruciatingribpain,difficultybreathing,palpitationsand
headache,Inowhadfrequentitchyrashesallovermybody.
Ipaidthe1milliontoMoritaniandshequicklytookitoffmyhands,withoutsayinganything
suchashappybirthday,andleft.SheprobablywentbacktothecarwithMasayaandthey
wentofftowhoknowswhere.
InOctober19,inShinjuku,Tokyo,Iwasperformingajointcncertwithapianopresentation.
Duringtherehearsalandbeforetheshow,thepaininmychestbecametoomuchtobear.I
feltdizzymanytimes.
Aftertheconcert,thecompanypresidentofferedtotakemebacktomyapartment.AsIgot
outofthecar,itwasthefirsttimeItoldsomeonewhatIfelt.
Idontthinkmybodyandmindcantakeitanymore
Huh,areyouok?
Withoutansweringthecompanypresident,Iclosedthecarsdoorweakly.
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JANUARY8TH,2015 7COMMENTS YASASHIIKISU
corysays:
January9,2015at7:57am
itsjusttoopainfultoreadthis.sogladtoshscomingback
Reply
Nori4dsays:
Toocruel.Imgladthatintheendhemanagedtoescapealive
Reply
Maurosays:
January15,2015at6:22pm
Amazingworkyouaredoing!Thanksforallthat!Speakingofthebook
itself,IjustcannotbelieveToshiissoinnocentandpassivetorwardsso
manyyearsofthatItisunbelievable.Hemustbedoingsomeserious
therapynowadaysIsupposeYoshikiandtheothershelpedaloton
bringinghimbacktoreality.Well,waitingforthenextchapters!
Reply
ddsays:
thankyouforyourhardworktotranslatechapter4,cannotwaitforthenext
chapter.
toYoshikiandToshi,Ihopetheywillnotbeseparatedagain
Reply
SethyTrashroadsays:
ThedatewasOctober2009,not2010.ToshihadleftthecultbyDecember
09.(smallerror,andtherestofthetranslationisawesome!Thankyouso
muchforthis!)
Reply
SethyTrashroadsays:
(abovecommentregardngUntlOctober2010(offtopcwhydohaveto
pastentothswndowtousetheletterbetweenuando?)
Reply
Bunnysays:
Aftercheckingthebook,Ifounditactuallyitsays2006,soI
changedthedate.Juriaprobablyjustmadeasmallerror
becauseOctoberisthe10thmonthandiswritteninJapanese
(tenmonth)andtheyearwaswrittennexttothe10.
Asforyoursecondquestion,forsomereasontheencryption
weusetodisablecopy/pasteandscreencappingandin
generaltostoppeoplefromstealingourworkswontallow
peopletotypeiorjintothecommentbox.Imessagedthe
developersofit,butreceivednoresponse.Untilitgetssorted
out,unfortunatelythisishowitsgoingtobe.Thanksfor
commentingevenifitsinconvenient.
Reply
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Helloworld
Myphysicalconditionworsens
InOctober222009,mybodyfinallypleadedforhelp.Duringacertainevent,Ifeltthepain
inmychest.Icroucheddownonthespot,notbeingabletomoveforawhile.Iwastakento
thehospitalandlaidonabed.Myconditionhadturnedsobad,thatmyvoicewasgone,and
itbecamehardtospeak.After12yearsofmentalandphysicaltorture,mybodyandmind
finallyhadabreakdown.
InfearthatMoritaniwouldtrackmedown,Irequestednoonecontactedher,byphoneorin
person.
However,thepresidentofthehospitalthathelpedmenow,Mikami(namehasbeenchanged
toprotectidentity),inthebestofintentions,informedUedaofmysituation,lettingMoritani
knowwhereIwasstaying.
ExactlyasIthought,shepersistentlyphonedthehospitaloverandover,demandingrudelyto
wakehimupandgethimonthephone!.
ThisisthefirsttimeinallseveralyearsofworkherethatIheardsomeonebesorudeas
this.Idontknowwhattheactualstorybehindis,butthehospitalwillprotectyouasour
patientMikamitoldme,representingthehospital,withanastoundedexpression.
WhenIcheckedmymail,IhadmanymessagesfromMoritanithatsaidthingssuchas,
ThehospitalkeepspassingaroundthetelephonebutInevergettoyou.Thatsextremely
rude.Theirservicesareawful.Youmustcontactme.
Donttellanyoneyourehospitalized.
Ihadbeenusedtoherabusiveemails,butofcourse,tosomeonewhohadneverseenthemor
knewofwhathappened,itwouldappearascompletelyabnormalbehavior.
EverytimetheimageofanangryMoritaniflashedinmymind,Itrembledinextremefear.
IfMoritanidiscoveredmehere,everythingwouldhappenagainlikeinJuly7Ihavetorun
awaythistime
Imgettingoutofhererightnow.Moritaniwillsurelycomehereandtakemeback!
Toshi,whatareyousaying?Thisisahospital.Calmdown.Nooneiscominghere.Evenif
shecamehere,shewouldntbeallowedentrancehere.
Mikamisaidwithanexpressionofsurprise.
Ishookmyheadnegatively,andasIspokemyvoicetrembled.
Shewillcome!IreallydontknowwhatIdidtodeservethis.
AsIsaidthat,Idressedmyselfandleftthehospitalroom.
Wait!Waitaminute!
Mikamisaidbewilderedashechasedme.Withouttakingabreaktolookback,Iwalked
quicklythroughthehallway.Icouldonlythinkwithconviction,
(Shewilldefinitelycome!)
Iheadedfortheemergencyexit,throughthequiet,darkhallway.
Wait,whereareyougoing?Justwaitalittle,Imgoingtocallafriend!
WithMikamiswords,Istoppedinmytracksandreturned,momentarily,toreality.Iturned
tolookback,andloweredmyhead.
Allright,allright.
RiiingRiiing
NoonepickedupMikamiscall.
Istartedtowalkagain.
Whereareyougoing?
Idontknow.
Fornow,justgetinmycar!Welltalkthere.
AsIgotinsidethecar,Mikamisphonerang.
Whatshappening?Thislateatnight
Iheardawomansvoicefromthephone.
Myfriendwantstospendthenightover,butIcanttellyouthereasonnow.
Whoisit?
Welltalkaboutthatlater.
Well,butwhoisit?
Imgoing,ok?
Wait,Imaskingyouwhoisit!
Listen!WhenIgetthere,Illexplain.
Mikamicutthecall,andacceleratedthecar.
Thecarswayedthroughamountainroadwithalmostnolights,andthen,inthedarkness,a
lightofabuildingcouldbeseen.
Doortoescape
WhenMikamistoppedthecar,alarge,westernstylegateopened.Weheadedforthefront
door.Ifollowedhim.Usingtheinterphone,wewaitedalittle.Nooneseemedtobearound.
Mikamiknockedonthedoormanytimes,makingaloudnoise.Butevenwiththat,therewas
stillsilence.
Itwaswhenweheardavoicefrominside.
QuietQuiet!
Fatherisasleep,yougetinsidefromhere.
Therewasanotherbuildingattheback.
Theshapeofawomancouldbeseenatthehalfwayopendoor.WhenMikamiandIarrived
atthedoor,thewomansaid.
Comein.
Andshewelcomedusintothebuilding.
Whathappened?Whatisgoingon?
Ithinkyouknowhim,lethimstayhereawhile.
Whoisit?
Thebeautiful,elegantladywassurprisedwhenshesawmyface.
Ialsoknewwhoshewas.Before,atmyconcert,IhadbeenintroducedtobothMikamiand
her.Ipolitelybowedtoher.
Ah,Toshi!Whatisthemeaningofthis?Please,youshouldexplain.HowamIgoingto
explaintofatherthatacelebrityisstayinghere?
Ah,Toshi,thisisOda(namehasbeenchangedtoprotectidentity).
Oda,dontmentionaboutacelebrity.Canyoukeepsecretaboutit?Please!
Understood.Tomorrow,Mikamiwillspeaktodad.Butitsbestyouleavetoday.Iffather
seesastrangerinsidethehouse,hellgetangryatme.
Cantyoudoanythingaboutit?Itsurgent!
Itstoolateatnight,itsimpossible.
Ok.Then,Illneedyoutostayhere,waiting,untilmorning.
Mikamiwasverypushy.
Allright.Iunderstand.
Iwasabouttosaysorry,butmyvoicewassoweak,noonewouldhearit.
Anyway,pleaseexplain.Whydidyoucomehere?
Sheaskedme.
Icamefromthehospital.
Why?
Someoneisafterme.
Didyouescape?
Yes,Iescapednow.
Huh?Explainthisproperly!
Imserious!Iwasrunningaway,andIgotherebecauseIescaped.
Ok.
Shesaid,alittleflustered.
Weretirednow,soletsendthingsherefortoday.Tomorrowwelltalkaboutthisclearly.
SorryifImbeingshameless,butcouldyougivehimahotdrink?
MikamiaskedtoOda,andsherepliedwithahintofannoyance.
Sure.
Sorry.Iapologized.
Thatnight,Iwasallowedtostayataguestroomonthesecondfloorofthebuilding.
Ilayontheenormousbed.Mikamisatonthesofa.Mikamiwasabout10yearsolderthan
me.Hehadaverycalmandcollecteddandy.Heinvolvedhimselfinmycomplexissueand
treatedmeverykindly,eventhoughIhadnomoneytooffer.IwasthankfulandIfeltIcould
trusthim.
Mikami,Imsorryforallofthis.Youevenwentasfaraslettingmestayforfreeatthe
hospital.Thankyou.
Toshi,youreallowedtostayatthehospitalanytime.Well,Ialsoheardalotofbadrumors
aboutyou.Iheardthatyouweredeceived.AftertodayIunderstandalittlemoreofit,those
peopleseemtobeahugenuisance.Ifyoustayhere,noonewillknowofit.Inthistime,you
canrestassuredandthinkaboutyourlifefromnowon.Odamaybealittleangryrightnow,
butsheisagoodpersonwhollsurelylendyoustrength.
Withoutbeingabletosleep,Ithoughtaboutvariousthings.MaybeIranawaythistime.
MaybeIreallyescapedfromthathellIwouldhavetoliveforwhoknowshowmuchlonger.
Afterthesehours,asIexpected,Moritanihadshownupatthehospitalearlyinthemorning.
Ofcourseshewouldcome.JustasIimagined.
IthoughtaboutthedayIwaskidnappedandmybackfroze.Moritanisearchedtheentire
hospitallookingforme,apparentlygoingasfarasgoinginsidealloftherooms.Evenasking
formylocationatthereceptiondeskandnursesoffice.Perhapsshewastryingtokidnapme
onceagain,buttheblackenedminivanwasparkedoutsidethehospital,besidesthedriver,
therewasanothermanwiththem.
IreceivedmanymessagesfromMoritanisuchas,
Iknowyourepretendingtobeout.Iknowthatyou,Ago,hasaskedthehospitaltoplay
along.
Ifyouplantobehostilelikethis,Ihavemyownideastoo.
WhenMikamitoldmeofthecontentofthesemessages,henoted.
Toshi,ifIweresick,ifitweremywife,shewouldfirstbeworried,thenaskaboutmy
symptomsandthenpreparewhatwasavailableandbringthemtome.Thatisthenormal
behavior.Butyourwifedoesntshowasinglebitofthatkindofemotion.Shewasnteven
willingtopayforyourstayatthehospital.Shedidnotthankthehospital,instead,causeda
lotoftrouble.Imtrulyshockedatherextremelyabnormalacts.
Mikamiwasalwayscoolheaded.Butashesaidthis,heshowedaseriousexpression.
Everythinghesaidwasspoton.
IfIstayedatthehospital,Moritani,withthatthreateningattitude,wouldhavealready
kidnappedmeandtakenmebacktoNasu.Iwonderwhatwouldvehappenedtome.Maybe
theywouldreallysellmetothemafia.Icouldntreturntothehospitalafterallthathappened.
Therewasnoturningbacknow.
Fornow,letsaskOdaonceagain.
Mikamitoldmethatandwelefttothemainhouse.Odacalledus.
Please,Ibegyou!Oneweek,no,threedays!No,justonedayisfinebyme!Please!
Ipleadeddesperately,loweringmyheadasIasked.
Ialsoaskthisofyou.
Mikamialsoloweredhisheadinthesameway.
Odalookedrathertroubled,butatthatmoment,thefatherhadreturnedfromawalk.
Insidethemirror
Whatsgoingon?
Isawaverystrikingfigure,hehadsilverhair,hisbackwasinexcellentshape,andworea
veryelegantredsweater.
Moreorless80yearsold,thiselderlygentlemanshowedastrict,butsoftenedexpression.
Father,itsbeenawhile.Thanksforthatonetime.
Mikamiloweredhishead.
No,no.Itsmyhonor.Well,haveaseat.
Imsorryforthesuddennessofthis.ButIwantedtoaskifmyacquaintancecouldspend
sometimehere.Iaskthis,perhapsyoucouldbeofhelptohim.Well,um,ifitspossible,one
weekHewontgiveyouanytrouble.Ioffertopayforallofhisexpenses.Doyouaccept?
HmIsthepersoninquestionhim?
Istoodupandloweredmyhead.
Yes,Impleasedtomeetyou.MynameisDeyama.
Hehadagentleexpression,butIsawaglintreflectedinhiseyes.
Youweretheonewhowasntfeelingwell?
Yes,theresbeenalotofaccumulatedfatigue.
Therewasabriefperiodofsilence.
Well,theremustbeareasontoit.Idontmindifyoustayfor2or3days.So,makeyourself
athome.Theresnoneedtopayeither.
Thankyousomuch!
However,thisisfor2or3days.
Idontcare,Imtrulythankful.
Thefatherstoodupandreturnedtothemainhouse.
Mikami,Oda,Imsorryforallthis.
Well,isntitgood!
Mikamipattedmeontheback.
Well,IhavetogotomycompanyandthenIllgotothehospital.Ibettherearealotof
proceduresIshouldtakecareof.
Imsorry.Thankyou.
Withthat,Ifeltalittlebitrelieved.WithMoritanihauntingthathotel,Imanagedtoescape
followingMikamiandendeduphere.AndifIwasgoingtocontinuerunningaway,Inow
hadtocancelallofmyconcerts.HowwasIsupposedtodothis?
Afterthesunset,Mikamiarrived.Hetalkedtome.
Toshi,dontthinkofanythingnow.Justrest.Youcannowcalmdownaboutwhat
happened.
Um,youresurenoonefollowedyou,right?
Absolutelynoone.Beassured,itsallrightnow.
Mikami,whathaveIdoneuntilnow?
Justrelaxfornow.Wecanthaveyourchesthurtlikethatagain.Justrestquietly.
TomorrowIllshowuphereagain,untilthen,haveagoodrest.
Hesaidasheleft.
Onthewallofthesecondfloortherewashungalargemirror.
Inthemirror,Isawamanwhoonlyworkedformoney.Hehadapalefaceanddulleyes.His
facewasthin.Thereweremanydarkenedmarksalloverhisfacefrombeingbeaten.I
touchedmycheekswithbothhands.WhenIwentonstage,everythingwashiddenunder
makeup.Butnow,Istaredatmypitifulstateunderadimlight.
Ilostmywordsafteradaysolonglikethisone.
(Idontwanttothinkaboutanythingthathappenedinallthese12years.Iwanttoeraseit
allfrommymind.IwishmyexistenceasToshicoulddisappearfromthisworldaswell.)
IthoughtwithconvictionasIlookedatthemirror.
Hoursslowlypassingby
Toshi,haveyoueatenalready?Itseveningalready.
Unbelievably,Ihadsleptuntiltheeveningofthenextday.
WhenIwenttothefirstfloor,onthetablewassoupandsomericeballs.
Isatdownslowlyandtookariceball.Thericewasstillwarmfromthefire.Untilnow,I
neverhadsuchacalmtimelikethis.Iwasverythankful,fromthebottomofmyheart,for
suchamealandfortheirkindness.Itookabiteofit.Iappreciatedtheirgentle
thoughtfulness.Ifeltwarmthinmychest.
Itookmytimetoeatthetworiceballs.Thinkingaboutit,Ihadnoteatenanythinginthese
twodays.
Mikamiarrived.
Toshi,didyousleep?
IdidntwanttohearMoritanisvoice,Ididntwanttoseeherface.Ididntwanttoseeher
again.Atthispointmyonlythoughtwastorunawayfromher.
MikamiwasworriedaboutwhereIwouldgoafterthis,hetoldmehewasgoingtoaskifI
couldstayalittlemorethan3days.
However,Ithoughtthatthiswouldbeimpossible.
Thatnight,Mikamiwastalkingtothefather.Itwasaround7PM.Afterthat,Mikamicameto
theroomIwasstaying,inhighspirits,andinformedme,withanexpressionofrelief.
Toshi,Iaskedifyoucouldstayuntilnextmonth.Isntitgreat?Wecanthinkcarefullyof
whattodoafterthat.
But,isthattrulywhathesaid?Youdidntforcehimtoletmestay,right?Mikami,Idont
havemoneyorclothes.Itsreallyshamefultobelikethisinmyage.
Well,fornow,dontthinkaboutthat.Thinkaboutthatafteryouwakeuptomorrow.Put
yourbodyandmindtorelax.
Thatnight,Ididntsleep.Ithoughtuntilmorning.Outsidewasalreadygettinglighter,justa
littlemoreuntildaybreak.
Afterawhile,Iheardthegateopen.Itseemedlikethefatherwasbackfromhismorning
walk.
Ilookedfromaspacebetweenthecurtainandwindow.
Imhome.
Welcomeback,wasittoocold?thewifereplied,fromthefrontdoor.
Theyseemtobeanormal,pleasantcouple
Idecidedtogooutside.
Iopenedthedoorquietly,andwenttothegateasnottobeseen.
Areyougoingonawalk?
Suddenlythemainhousesdooropened.Itwasthewife.Shesmiledsweetly,alwaysvery
calm.
Yes,Imgoingonawalk.
Becareful,itsamountainroad.
Thankyou.
Ileftthehousefromtheleft,andwalkedforawhileuntiltherewasanuphillroad.Iturned
ontherightandtherewasabeautifulmountainrange.Ialsoheardthebirdssinging.
Itwascold!Thecoldseasonwasalreadyhere
Isteppedonthefallenleaves,throughthepath.Itseemedlikenotmanypeoplewalkedhere.
Itwassoquiet.Thetimeseemedtogobyveryslowly,asifithadstopped.
AsIwalked,Isawahugetree.Ithoughtofmychildhoodandsearchedforasharpstoneto
writeonthetree.October2009Iwonderedwhatdayitwas.Probablythemonthwasabout
toend.
Icouldstayhereforalittlemore.But,whatwouldmylifebelikeinamonth?Ontheway
back,mylegsfeltheavy.
Finally,Icouldseethegate.Iwentinsidethroughasmallergateontheside.Iwenttothe
mainhouse.Outsideinthecold,atthegarden,wasthefather,doingsomerepairs.
Welcomeback,didyouhaveagoodnightofrest?
Yes.Istayedawake.
Youreyoung,sothatsnotaproblem.
I
Whatisit?
I
Thefatherlookedinmyeyes.Ialsolookedathiseyes.Westayedinsilence,butIfelta
strongsenseofcalmstabilityinhiseyes.Asifnothinghappened,thefatherstartedtogo
backtothemainhouse.
(WhydidntIsayanything?)
Iregretted.Yet,IdidntknowwhatIwantedtosay.
Escapefrombrainwashing
IcontinuedtoreceivetheusualrudemessagesfromMoritani.
Thinkaboutyouractions,getthisthroughyourhead,theresnoonewholovesgossipother
thannurses.Understandthisandgetoutofthere,Illbewaitingoutsidetotakeyouback.
Ifthisturnsintoauproar,thatwillmeantrouble.GobacktoNasu.
Youblindlybelievewhatthesestupiddoctorsfromthecountrysidesay,nowthatiswhat
meanstobebrainwashed.Theseidiotdoctorsareonlypretendingtobeserious.
HowcouldsomeonewritesuchthingsItrulydespisedMoritanispersonality,herlackof
compassionandlove.
SinceIhadthebreakdown,Ifinallywokeuptotheirtrueintentions,alongwiththedistrustI
alreadyhadofMasayaandMoritani.
Theirgoalwasonlytogetlargequantitiesofmoneyfromme.Theirtalkofhelpingtheworld
andchildrensfuture,theabuseandviolenceoftheseminartrainingswereallonlyawayto
controlme,makingmedoendlesshardlabor,toturnmeintotheirmoneymakingmachine.It
wasalladeceivingact.
inJuly7,2009,Itriedtoescapeafterrealizingthat,butIfailedandwaskidnappedandtaken
back.
Thattime,Idespaired.
(Icantrunawayanymore.Afterthis,Iwillhavetoliveinthisworldofdarkness)
However,ifGodwasgivingmeanotherchancetofollowapathinlife,Iwantedto
desperatelybuildanewroad.
Butnotrunningawayanymore.Idecidedwithconvictiontoescapefromallthese12
gloomyandlongyearsofriskingmylife.
InOctober26,2009,IsentaletteroffarewelltoMasayaandMoritani.
Thefollowingday,October27,ghastly,IwroteofmystatetoK,whoagreedtobemy
representativeunderthelaw.
K,pleasebemyguardian.Theydontknowtheharmtheyhavedone.Iwillcountonyou.
IconsultedKabouttheexplanationofthevarioustopics,suchaspartingfromMasaya,
Moritani,andHomeofHeart,divorcefromMoritani,restorationofthebankbook,officially
registeredsealanddocumentsunderMoritaniscontrol,andfinally,aboutthemoneyinflux
thatwashiddenfromme.ThefirstthingKnoticedme,asmyrepresentative,wastonothave
anymoredirectcontactwithMasayaorMoritani.
Unmaskedgreed
HavingsomeoneasmyrepresentativeresultedinMoritaniandMasayaknowingthatthey
wouldnotbeabletoavoidthesituation.Theyquicklychanged,everydaysendingtomy
representativepesteringdemandsformoney,money,money.
Iwasshockedbytheirfickleness.
Masayasfaxtomyrepresentativecontainedthingslike,
HomeofHeart(Masaya,Moritani)havenomoredailyincome,nomoremoney.SinceHome
ofHeartcannotaffordthese,ToshishouldpayforthetaxofToshiOffice,Toshispersonal
taxes,Moritanistaxes(totalling3hundredmillionYen),alongwithhouseexpenses,loans
andotherexpenses.
Toshiwillhavetopayforthejudgementexpenses
SinceToshileft,thereisnomoney,pleaseintroducetoHomeofHeartsomeonewhocan
paytheexpenses
IfithappensthatToshiandToshiOfficegobankrupt,makeitsothatMoritaniwontbe
demandedtopaythemoneyloanedofabout1hundredmillionyen.Also,dontbringatax
officerhere.
Alloftheconcertsandevents,afterthis,scheduledwithHomeofHeart(Masaya,Moritani)
mustberepaid.Toshiwillrepay.
TheCDandotherproductsalesmustcontinue.
WhenToshiiscured,ifhesayshewantstosingMasayassongs,Iwilllethimsing.
ToshicannotcauseanymoretroublestoMasaya,sopostanoticeofdivisionfromHomeof
Heartontheblog.
MasayaandMoritani,morethananyone,knewthatIdidnothaveanymoney.Takingmy
moneyandthendemandingthatIpay,whenIwasonthevergeofbankruptcywasthemost
coldbloodedthingtheycouldthinkof.Untilnow,Ionlyfeltthedesiretorunaway,butthat
hadturnedintoanger.
TherepresentativewasatalossofwordswhenhesawthedocumentsfromMoritani.There
wasanoverduepaymentoftaxes,onmypersonalbehalfandofmyofficeofseveralhundred
millionyen,obligatoryoverduepaymentofloansthatMoritaniprocessed.Furthermore,the
healthinsurancehadnotbeenpaidformanyyears.
Forhowlonghasntthehealthinsurancebeenpaid?
Maybemorethan10years,IdontthinkMoritanieverpaidforit
DidntMoritaniandco.liveinluxurywithyourearnings?Itstrulycruelthattheynever
paidforyourhealthinsuranceeventhoughyouprovidedsomuchforthem
Aftermanydemandsfrommyrepresentative,myofficiallyregisteredseal,bankseal,and
depositbankbookfrommypersonalandcompanyusewerereturnedfromMoritanis
company(ToshiOffice,whichIactedasasupervisorfor).Asexpected,therewereonlylefta
fewhundredYen,shehadtakenoutallofmydeposits.Iwasleftwithvirtuallynomoney.
AsmywifeandasamanagerofToshiOffice,Moritaniwasessentiallyunawarethatshe
wouldhavetoreturnthemoneythatwasunfairlytakenfrommethroughMasayaandHome
ofHeart.Perhapstheonlywaywastodeclarepersonalbankruptcyandbankruptcyofmy
company.However,accordingtomyrepresentative,Ineededmoneytodeclarebankruptcy.
Withthehindranceofabout80,000Yen,mymindwasinchaos.
Mydecisiontostopsinging
InearlyNovember2009,Ireturnedtothehouseinthemountainsofthepeoplewhohadbeen
greathelptome.Ofcourse,itwassecludedliving,butIfeltagreatsenseofsafetythere.I
couldsleep,evenifforfewhours.IstillreceivedemailsfromMasayaandMoritaniwithout
fail.ThecontentofoneoftheemailsfromMoritaniwasathreat,
Wecontactedthemafia.
IwonderedhowMoritanicoulddosomethinglikethis,asahumanbeingThiswasatruly
pitiablethingforaperson.Ialsohatedmyselffortrustingheratonepoint.
Withmysinging,Imanagedtobuildvaluableartisticrights.Thiswaswhatcausedmy
relationshipswithmyfamilyandfriendstocrumble.Ididntwanttogothroughallofthata
secondtime.But,thatwasallalieinventedbythesegreedypeople(HomeofHeart).The
circumstancesofthesetroubleswerealsodrivenbyantisocialinfluence.
Mymindandbodywereattheirlimits.IfeltlikeIwasnttoughenoughtoliveinthisworld
ofthemasses.Ialwayslinkedsinging,sinceIwasachild.Comingbackhomefromschool,I
strummednotesonapianoandguitar,andIoftensangathome.Ithenformedarockband
withmyfriendYoshiki,Ileftmytowntolivethedream.IbetallIhadintheband,
recklesslyrunningwild.UntilwefinallygotonthestageofthelivehousesinTokyo.The
firstfewpaymentswentalltothebandexpensesandforthestageset.Wedidnthave
money,butwedidnthavestatusorreputation.Ididntcareaboutthedailylifewehadwith
justbarelyanything.Itwasfuntojustdesperatelypursuethedreamofsinging.Thatwas
happiness.Thenthedreambecametrue.Butforthedreamtobecometrue,therewasan
exchange.Somethingimportantwaslost.Thetroublesstartedtoincrease,andasaresult,
everythingwaslost.Ididntknowwhatthemeaningofsingingwas.
Ishouldputanendtoallofit.Stopsinging.Thatwasmydecision.
ItwasthenwhenIwascontactedbymyrepresentative.IwasinvitedbyXJapans
managementtofilmamusicvideoinLosAngeles.AtfirstIrefused,duetosickness.But
whenafurthercontactcame,tellingmetheywishedIwouldbethere,Ilistened.
Thelastmeal
ItcontinuedverycoldwhenNovemberstarted.Earlyinthemorning,therewasaknockon
thefrontdooroftheseparatehousethatthefamilykindlyletmestay.
Goodmorning.ThereissomethingIwouldliketotellyou.
Whatwoulditbe?
Itsaboutwhatwaspromised.Coulditbeuntiltheendofthisweek?
Thefatherscompanyworkers,includinghimself,wereallretiredpoliceofficers.Theyasked
Mikamiaboutmanywaystoprotectme.Someonelikeme,stayingatsuchasafeplacewas
onlycausingtoomuchtrouble.ItwouldbetoomuchofaburdenifIstayedlongerthanthis
month.Itrulyadmiredthem.Buttheyshouldntbeobligedtohelpmeanymoreafterthis
month.
Ok,Iunderstand.Thanksfortakingcareofmeforsuchalongtime.Yousavedme.
ButImsorrywecouldntdomorethanthis.
No,thatstoomuch.CouldImeetwiththefatherandhiswifetomorrow?
Ireallywantedtothankthefatherforallthathehaddoneforme,evenifIcouldbarelylook
athim.
Yes,noproblem.Fathersaysthathewouldliketohaveamealtogetherwithyou,would
youliketo?
Huh,withme?
Yes,ifyoudlike.
Thankyouverymuch.OfcourseIaccept,please.
Wellthen,tomorrowatnight.Howaboutthat?
Thatsfinetome.
Atabout6:30,wellbeleaving.
Allright.Thankyou.
Withthesewords,thedoorclosedandIbecamequietlyalone.
Anentiremonthhadlapsedsofast.
Ithoughtabouteverythingthathappeneduntiltoday,forseveralhours.Whatwasmy
purposeinlife,whatIlivedfor.Whatwasimportanttome.Iescapedfromtheuglyrealityof
thesweethealingworld.But,Icouldntliveanhonestlifedoingthatkindofworkalone.
Why?Whydidthishappen?IfIcouldgobackintime,Iwouldliketogobacktothattime
whenIwasainnocentchild.However,nomatterhowmuchIregretteditall,Icouldnt
retrievethethingsIlost.Mystayforamonthatthishouseinthemountainswasagrand
divisioninthispointofmylife,andnowitwastimetoleaveitbehind.
WhenIrealizedthelastdayapproached,IthoughtIdputeverythingintheorderIfound
backintheroom.Buttherewasnothingtoberearranged.Ijuststoodthereinadazeinthe
harshcoldhours.
Withnothingtotakebackwithme,IwonderedhowIshouldlivemylifefromnowon.
Insidemymind,Iscreamed,
(Thisistheend!)
Amiraculousencounter
Thenextday,whenitwasabouttheappointedhourofdinnerwiththefather,Thewifecalled
forme.
Ifyoudlike,youcancomehere.
MaybeIlookedalittlepoorlydressed,asshehandedmeoveramenscoatandleather
gloves.
Aroundthemountains,ontheexitofthehouse,itwasalreadysunset,andwasalittledark.
Itwastooearlyintheseason,butpurewhitesnowfellquietly.WhenIpulledthesleevesof
theborrowedbrowncoatovermyarms,IthoughtIfeltthenostalgicscentofmyfather.
Instantly,Ithoughtaboutmyownfather,whoIcouldnotseeformanyyearsandhadparted
forever,andIfeltlikecrying.WhenIgotinsideofthetaxithatarrivedtopickmeup,itwent
downthemountainroad.Withoutspeakingtothefatherthatwasalreadyinsidethecar,only
thesoundofthecarspeedingcouldbeheard.Thesnowfellontheglasswindow,and
disappearedshortlyafter.
Likethissnow,Ithoughtthatmaybethebestformewastovanishtoo.
Thehottearsfellontheglovesandspilledonmyknees.
Thecarwenttoanarrowroadandwestoppedattherestaurantbuilding.
Openingtheantiquedoorandgoinginside,therewerelargeglasswindows.Therewasa
largecounterfromwhereyoucouldlookatthenightskyline.
Beforemewasaflowingriver,andthecitylightsreflectedbeautifully,fleetingly,onthe
glasswindow.Icouldalsoseeontheevening,intheglass,fathersandmyowndim
reflections.
Ishouldsaysomething.
Thanksfortoday.
Pleaseexcuseme.
Imsorry.
IcouldonlyexpressthesethreethingsthatIhadinmymind.
Itsok,doyouwanttodrinkanything?
Ididntdrinkverymuch,butifIdranknow,Ididntwanttorisksayingsomethingwrong.
No,thanks.Idontdrink.
Ireplied.
Isee,Illhavehot,drysake.
Heaskedtoagracefulwomanwearinganelegantkimono.
Then,Illhaveoneaswell.
IwassonervousthatIbecameincoherent.
Weorderedsashimi,andpouredthesakeforeachother.WhenIdrankit,Iimmediatelyfelt
therichsweetandhotaroma.Ipouredmoresakeforthefather,itwassomethingIwasnot
usedtodo.
Thetimepassedandwestilldidnotmanagetohaveaproperconversation.
Whatdoyoudo?
Imasinger.
Asinger,huh.
Whatisyourname?
MynameisToshi.
Whatisit?
Toshi.
Thesilencecontinued.
Infrontofmyeyes,fatherkeptholdingthebottleofsake,withoutmoving,andaskedagain.
Toshi,isit?
Yes,Toshi.
Toshi
Yes.
Isee
Alittlewhileinsilence.
Alongtimeago,Ilostmyson,whowasalsocalledToshi
Thefatherthendranktheremainderofthesakeinonego.
Ididntreply.
Thefatherstaredatthenightscenery.
Ididthesame,andasIlookedatthewindow,Ifelthowephemerallifewas.
MaybeIwasdrunkalready,butmyfacefeltwarm.
Whenourmealended,wecalledataxi.
Yourcarishere.
Ah,thankyou.
Theladyinkimonobroughtfatherhisgreycoatandheputiton.Thefatherwasverycalm,
hisgesturesalwaysverynonchalantandrefined.ThiswasthefirstdeepimpressionIhadof
dignity.Ourshoeswerelinedatthenarrowfrontdoorspace.Weputournowcoldshoes
backandlefttherestaurant.
Outside,likewhenwearrived,thesnowstillfell.Ididnotputmyglovesbackon,insteadI
grippedthemfirmly,astoneverforgetaboutthem.Thecarwentupthemountainroadand
wearrivedatthehousesfront.
Aswegotoutofthecar,Iloweredmyhead.
Father,thankyousomuch.
Thefatherdidnotturnback,butgotoutofthecarandheadedtothegate.
Thesnowthatfellfromthepitchblackskylandedsoftlyontheshouldersofhisgreycoat.I
followedwithmyeyesthesnowfallingdown,flickeringwiththestreetlamplights,but
alwaysstaringatfathersback.Irepeated.
Thankyousomuch.
MychestwaswarmwithlonelinessIneverfelt.
ThatwaswhenIheardaquietresponse.
Youcanstaymoreifyouwishto.
Huh?Iheardthat,surelyIheardthat.Icanstayalittlemore?
MaybeImishearditBut,Irepliedloudly.
Thankyousomuch.
Withoutturningtome,thefatheropenedthegatesandwent.
Ireturnedtotheseparatehouse,filledwithhappiness,butmytearsalsooverflowed.Who
knewtodaywouldturnintosuchahappyday
Ishoutedinmymind,
(Yes!Yes!Thanks!)
Thefirstteaceremony
Earlyinthenextmorning,itwasthefirsttimeIknockedonfathershousesdoor.
Excuseme,itsDeyama.
ItwassothatIshowedIwantedtotalk.
Isthisreallyfine?WontIbeanuisance?
Goodmorning,youreupearly.
Thewifeshowedherface.
Whatwoulditbethatyouarehere?
Isfatheraround?
Yes,heis.
Iwouldliketotalktohim
Justwaitalittlebit.
Comein.
Iheardhersay.
Iwentinside,tookoffmyshoes.Iopenedanotherdoorattheendofthehallway.
Iwalkedthroughabrightwhitelivingroomandfurtherinsidethehouse,ataroomonthe
left,thefatherwasthere,sitting.
Thatwasthetearoom.
Inthisquietmorning,hewasperformingateaceremony.
Isatbeforethedoorandgreetedhim.
Goodmorning.
Goodmorning,didyouwakeupearlytoday?
Yes,thankyouverymuchforlastnight.Thefoodwasgreatanditwasjustawonderful
night.Iamheretoconfirmwhatwassaidlastnight.IsitreallyfineifIstayherealittle
more?
Yes,Isaidthat.
Really?Thankyousomuch.Imverygrateful.Then,today,Iwishtotalkaboutthethings
thathappenedtomeuntilnow.
Right.
Thefatherstoppedwhathewasdoing,hisstraightposturechangedalittle,turninghisknees
tomydirection.Ilookeddirectlyathim.Thewifelookedatme,sittinginfrontofthetea
roomsdoor,withworry.
IsntitunpleasantifItalkaboutithere?Itsearlyinthemorning,butIonlyhavethistimeto
talkaboutit.ButtheatmospherewillberuinedIhesitated,butIdecidedtotalkaboutit
briefly.
For12years,mywifedeceivedmeintogivinghermycompanyandpersonalincome.Itwas
alltakenawayfromme.Icollapsed,atthelimitsofmybodyandmind,andafterthatIwas
broughthereandyouhavetakencareofme.
Isee,youhadsuchadifficultproblemeventhoughyourestillyoung.Comehereandhave
acupoftea.
Ah,ofcourse.Excuseme.
Iwalkedovertothehangingscrollandsat.
Iheardthequietsoundofthewaterboilinginthepot.
Onceagain,Ilookedstraightatthefather.
Whatwasthissilence?Thiswasentirelydifferentfromthewordofdirtywordsandviolence
thatIwassousedto.
Here,Iheardavoice.
Infrontofmykneestherewasacupoftea,insidewasgreentea.
Withthefathersgracefulgestures,Ifeltalittleembarrassed.HowshouldIholdthecup?As
Iaskedmyselfthat,fathersaid.
Theresnoneedforconcern,justdrinkinyourownmanner.
ThiswasthefirsttimeIdranktealikethis.Itooktheteacupinmyrighthand,andthenheld
itwithbothhands.
Ilookedattheteaandtookasipofit.
Bitter
Isitbitter?
Ah,no,ittastesgreat.
Ah,isitgood?
Yes,itsnice.
Withthesecasualwords,thewifesmiled.Withtheeventsofthisbeautifulmorning,I,
naturally,feltawarmsenseofsafetyinmysoul.
Thelasttears
Thenextday,afterhearingofmytalkwiththefather,aflusteredMikamicametoseeme.
Toshi,thatssomegreatnews.
Thankyousomuch.
Toshi,foralongtimeyouwanderedthroughaverydifferentworld.Inaveryyoungage,at
yourtwentiesyouwereatthetopoftheentertainmentworld.Imaysaythisinarudeway,
butyouonlyknowthatworld.Andthenthesepeopleskilfullyusedyou,havingyoutogather
money.Andintheend,theytookeverythingawayfromyou.Thatwasalivinghell.But,
whatareyougoingtodonow?Imnotapersonoftheentertainmentbusiness,sothereisnta
lotIcandoforyou.ButIcanthinkaboutwhatyouregoingtodotogetherwithyou.
Yes,Idontwanttogobacktothatworldanymore.
Isee.Well,evenifyouarebankrupt,youneedmoney.Andforyourlivingnowon,you
needmoneytoo.Soyoucouldtryworking.
StartingwithmystayatMikamishospital,Ihadalreadyloanedalotofmoney.Ididntwant
anymoretroublesfurtherthanthat.
Mikamisaidthathewouldtalktomeagaininthedayafterthatone.
Thatday,theskywasunusuallyblue.
Toshi,letsgotoateahouseinthecity,theyhaveanartexhibitionthere.Itsaquietplace
wherenotmanypeoplegoto,Iguessitsallright.
Whenwearrived,inMikamiscar,wewentinsideabigbuilding.Insidetherewasasmallart
exhibition.Thatwastheteahousecorner.
Thesewereseatsaroundthelowtables.Themenuhadonlyvarietiesofgreenteaand
japanesestylesweets.
Insidethegarden,therewasanantique,historicaltearoom.
Thisissucharelaxingplace.
SometimesOdabringsfatherhere.
Isee,itsappropriate.
Justthen,fatherappeared.
Ahsorrytoletyouwait.
Iorderedteaandjapanesestylesweets.Thefatheraskedforacertainbrandoftea.Awaiter
askedforourorders.
Then,Mikamisuddenlystartedtotalk.
Father,whatabouthere?
Allright,allright.Justletmedrinkthishere.
Ah,Imsorry
Bytheway,Toshi,whatisyouragenow?
Ihaveturned44.
Isee,youreyoung.
Notatall,thisisalreadyquiteanage.
Hahaha.
Thefatherlaughed.
Ifyoureold,thenwhatamI?
Imsorry.
Toshi,whatdoyouwishtodonow?
Idontknow.Iplantofindadifferentjobandwork.
Isee.Whatdoyouwanttoworkwith?
Idontknow.But,Idontwanttoworkwiththatkindofthing.
Doyoudislikesinging?
Itsnotthat,butsingingiswhatmademeenduplikethis.
Hm
SinceIhavelivedforsolong,Imayknowmorethingsabouttheworldthanyoudo.Ifyou
feeltroubled,feelfreetoconsultme.
Yes,thankyou.
Then,fathersaid.
Imleavingnow,butwhatdoyouthinkaboutthisplace?
FatherhandedanenvelopetoMikami.Then,hequicklystoodandleft.Thatwasmoneyfor
mycurrentlivingexpensesandfortheproceduresofbankruptcy.Ihadsomanypeopletorob
me,butnowIalsohadpeoplewhogavememoney.
Mikamisaidtome.
Gosaythankstofather.Youarealreadypartofthefamily.
WhenIreachedthehouseinthemountains,infrontofthehouse,thewifewassweeping.I
loweredmyheadtoher.
Likealwaysshesmiled,seeminglyveryhappy.
Iwaitedforthefathertoarrive,andonceagainknockedatthedoorofthemainhouse.
Whenthedooropened,fatherwasstandingthere.
Father,Imsorryaboutallthesethings.Ofcourse,Iwillpaythemoneyback.Justplease
waithalfayear.SomehowIwillpaythismoneyback.
Itoldhimofmythoughts.Then,hesaid.
Toshi,fromnowon,youwillhavetofaceaharderlifethanyouhadbefore.Pleaseusethis
moneyinthislong,stormypath.Fromnow,youwillrealizethatlifeisshort,butstilllong.
Withhiswords,Icroucheddownatthedoorandcried.
AsIcried,Irepeated.
Thankyou,thankyousomuch.
Fathersaid,
Dontcryanymore,dontcry.
Hesaidthiswithgentleness,justlikeasifIwerehisownson.
Soonerorlaterinlife,foranyone,therewillcomethetimetosaygoodbye.Untilthen,no
moresadnessSaveyourtearsforwhenthattimecomes.
Isuppressedmycrying.Withoutsayinganything,Iloweredmyheadandleft.
Then,Idecided.Iwouldnotcryanymore.Asanadult,itwasimpolitetocryinfrontof
others,itwasunsightlyforaman.
Iwasnowacompletelydifferentpersonfromwhen,untilnow,IcriedwithMoritaniand
Masayascontinuousabuse.
Scarsofviolence
InthemiddleofDecember,theleavesonthetreeshadfallenwelcomingthewinterseason.
ThepromisedworkwithXJapanwaslooming,butIdidntknowifMoritaniwouldappear
thereandwhatkindofactionsshewouldtake.Withoutanswering,Iworriedaboutwhatto
do.Iwenttodiscusstheissuewiththefather.
Ivisitedhimatthemainhouse.
Father,IvebeenwitharockbandcalledXJapansinceIwasachild.Theyhavebeen
tellingmetheywishIcometoLosAngelesinAmericatoworkwiththem.AsItoldyouthe
otherday,IvebeenthinkingIdontwanttoworkwiththisanymore.However,Iamnotsure
ifIamabletofindanotherjobsosoon.ItleadsmetothinkthatIhavenochoicebuttodo
this.
Iunderstand.Ifyoudislikeit,youcanchoosetostop.But,ifyoustillhavestrengthto
continue,youcandoit.Sinceyourfriendsarewaitingforyou,youshouldgotoLos
Angeles.Yourestillyoung.Differentfromme.Youstillhavestrengthtowork.Dontthink
toomuchaboutitandleave,onestepatatime.Ifyouthinkaboutit,youwillregret.
Isee.Iwilltrytothinkaboutthat.
Ifanythinghappens,contactusimmediately.
Yes,understood.
IdecidedtogotoL.A.Thatnight,IwenttotalktoMikamiandOda.
Toshi,areyougoingtoL.A?Ihearditfromfather.
Yes,Iwill.
IsthereanythingIcandoforyou?
Well,IdonthaveanythingtowearforthefilminginL.A.
Huh?Whatwillwedo?Theresnotmuchtimeuntilyouleave.Canyouwearasuit?
Anythingwilldo.Idontevencarewhatisit.ButIcantfilmsomethingwithwhatIm
wearingnow.
Well,thatsaproblem.Here,letmehavealook.
Odasaidthatandwenttothemainhouse.
Whenshereturned,sheheldapileofclothesinherhands.
Thefathershats,suits,coats,shoes,boots,shirts,tiesandevenwomensblouses,coats,
sunglassesandotheraccessories.Iwassurprisedseeingsomanycoolclothes.
Fatherisquitestylish.
Ichosesomeoftheitemsandtriedthemon.Mikamisaid.
Thesizedoesntperfectlymatchyours,buttheywilldoButToshi,youhavetodo
somethingaboutthescarsonyourface.
IhadmanymarksleftfromtheviolenceIreceivedfromMoritani.Someofthemwerelarge
anddarkened,Inoticedtheycouldntbewellhiddenwithmakeupanymore.
Odasaid.
Iknowadoctor,letsgothereassoonaspossible.
Iaccept.Pleasetakemethere.
BeforeIwenttoL.A,Ireceivedtreatmenttolessenthescars.Thedoctorsaid,
Icantgetridofthemcompletelyforthedayofyourfilming,Istillthinktheymayshowat
thevideoimage.Ittakesaboutoneyeartohealcompletely
ButIwantedthescarsonmyfaceandthedarkscarsonmyhearttohealasfastasoneday
only.
DepartingtoL.A.
Iputinaloanedtruckmystageclothesandothertravelarticles.IwasgoingtoL.AMaybe
forthelasttimeJustthis,justoncemoreAnyway,Iwasgoing.
InthemorningofDecember312009,IwasatNaritaairport.Idepartedwithtroubling
thoughts,notrecoveredyet.
Bluesky,drywind,exhaustfumes,thetoweringpalmtreeinstraightlines,nothinghad
changedinLosAngeles.
Thenextday,IwenttoYoshikisstudioinNorthHollywood.
Yoshikisaidhedliketotalktome.
Yoshikiinvitedmetoameetingroom,insidethestudio,furtherinsidethantheoffice.With
allmymight,Iopenedthesoundproofeddoor.
Iheardalittleaboutit,butyouwentthroughalotofhardthings,isthatright?
Yes.
Istrainedtoreply,myvoicehadbecomehoarseanddifficulttoproject.
Ah,youshouldntstrainyourvoice.
Ok.Actually,alotofthingshappened,butImanagedtoescapefromMasayaand
Moritani.
Escape?IseeThatwasagoodthingtodo.Ialwaysworriedaboutit.Howareyou
feeling?
Yes,Ialsothinkitwasright.IwasdeceivedbyMoritaniandMasaya,theygotallofmy
money.TheyonlyleftmeacolossaltaxandloandebttopayWhenthisworkendsIll
continuewiththeproceduresformydeclarationofbankruptcy.
RightIhadalothappentometoo
Iwasdisorientedbyhiswords.
Yoshikitoo?
I,withmydecisiontostopsingingwhenthisended,couldnotreplytohiswords.
BornToBeFree
Thedayafterwhenallofthefilmingended,IsetuptogooutforamealwithYoshiki.Iwas
reluctanttobidhimfarewell.Afterthat,weendedupgoingtohishouse.Yoshikisatinthe
passengerseatandIsatinthebackseat.Weheadedtothenorth,SanDiegoFreeway,known
as405,butthewaywascrowdedwithtraffic.Thedrivingtimewalong,butwebarelyspoke
toeachother.
ItwasawhilesinceIhadbeentoYoshikishouse.HowmanyyearsOpeningthe
automatedgateswithaswitch,thecarspedthroughthelongslopeandthenIcouldfinally
seethehouse.Thepurewhitedooropened.Atashelfintheentrance,manyofYoshikis
neckbracesinwhiteandblackcouldbeseen.Iwassurprisedatthenumbersofthem.There
wasapianointhemiddleofthevast,lightlivingspace.Wastherewhereheoftencomposed?
Manypagesofmusicalscoreswereplacedthere.
Yoshiki,wouldyoushowmearound?Itsbeenalongtime.
Ofcourse.
Climbingthecarpetedpurewhitestairs,therewasatrainingroomonthesecondfloor.A
largebedroomjoinedtoamarbledbathroomwhichalsohadajacuzzi.
Allroomsweretidyandinorder.Goingbacktothefirstfloor,Yoshikibroughtawinefrom
thewinecellar.
ThisisredwinefromYoshikiWine,itsdelicious.
Socoolthatyouhaveawinebrand.
Wheresthewineopener?
Ashesearchedforthewineopener,hespokefunnythingstohimself,
Youknowthistelevision?Itsfitinsidethewall.WhatamIsupposedtodoifitbreaks?
Hebroughtoneofthenumerousbottleopenersfromthekitchen.
Here!
Heservedthewineintwolargeglassestothebrim,andwetoasted.Aswedrankthered
winethatwasoneofhisworks,wetalkedaboutourchildhooduntildaybreak.
Aftermanyhourspassed,Yoshikiapproachedthepianoplacedoverthewhitefloor.
Toshi,Imadeanewsong.Doyouwanttohearalittleofit?
Therewasahandwrittenmusicalscore.ItwastitledBornToBeFree.
BorntobefreeYes,Yoshiki.Thatshowitshouldbe.Thatsagreattitle!
Thebeautifulmelodiesandmyvoiceechoedinsidetheroom.Iwisheditwouldcontinue
forever
Overthelargewindow,abluelampslightreflectedsparklinginthepool.Istaredatthe
sparklinglightforamoment.
Ihadnothingtoloseanymore.Theonlythingthatwasmylegacywasmysinging.Iwould
givesinginganotherchance.
Apressconferenceofanger
January15,2010.IreturnedtoJapan.Anewrealitybegan.Thenextday,Ipromptly
consultedmyrepresentative,informingthatIwantedtosetupapressconference.InJanuary
17,Iwrotetopostaboutthetruth,theeventssofar,mypresentconditionandmyfeelingson
asocialnetworkingsite.IfIpressedthekey,allofthesehiddenthingswouldcomeoutin
broadlight.IhadbeendraggedbyMoritaniandMasayaintosuchalongtimeofalivinghell,
andnowanewbattlewouldbegin.Myfingerstrembled,butIfirmlyhittheenterbutton.
(Publishednotice)
Toall,
Afewdaysago,therewasinformationpublishedbyonepartofthemediaregardingmy
divorce.Alongwiththat,Iwouldliketoexpressmyfeelingsaboutthelast12years.
1.Aboutthelast12years
Duringmyactivitysince1998,inthespaceof12years,allthemoneyfromsalesinthattime
wenttothepubliccompaniesHomeofHeartandHealingWorld(Whichisoneofaseriesof
companiesrelatedtoHomeofHeart,employingthesamestaff).
Withanextremelybusyschedule,Iworkedcontinuouslywithoutevenonedayofrest.
Excludingaminimalamountformydailylivingexpenses,allofthemoneyfromconcerts,
wagesandmoneyfromXJapanwasnevergiventome.
Thelargeamountofmoneyearnedworkingwasalltakenawayfrommeuntilrecently.
Currently,Iamreceivingassistancefromfriendsandacquaintancestopayformyliving
expense.
EvenwhenIfellill,Ionlyreceivedassistancefrommyfriends.
2.AboutToshiOffice
EventhoughIwasnamedrepresentativeofToshiOffice,itwasundermanagementofHome
ofHeart.Ididnothaveanyrightstobeanadministratorormanager.
EventhoughIworkedeverydaytotransfermoneytoMoritaniKaori,HomeofHeart,and
HealingWorld,notknowingofanydetails,Ifindmyselfwithanenormoustaxandloan
debts.
Untilnow,IworkedforHomeofHeartasanemployeewithnocompensation.
Withpaininmyheart,afterlivingthesebitter12yearsdescribedabove,IwonderwhyI
believedthatproducerMASAYAandMoritaniKaorisavedmylife.
Aftergoingthroughsuchalongtimeoftroubles,bothmymindandbodyarefatigued.
3.AboutMoritaniKaori
Sinceabout10yearsago,wehavenotlivedasamarriedcouple.
Besidesmeetingonlyinplacesofwork,IdonotknowanythingaboutMoritaniKaorislife.
MoritaniKaorichosetolivetogetherwithMasaya,ratherthanwithme.Sincethen,they
havebeenlivingforaperiodof10yearsinthecityofNasu.
IhavebeenlivingaloneinasmallapartmentinMinatoSiba,Tokyo.
IdeclaredivorcetocancelthisfakemarriagewithMoritaniKaori.
Onherblog,MoritaniKaoriliedthepublicationswhereitseemedlikewelivedhappilyasa
couple,performingduetsandsuchotheractivity.Iamextremelytired,psychologically,ofall
theselies.
4.Abouttrials
Inthese10years,Ihaveonlybeen,personally,onetimetotheHomeofHeartinNasu,and
about3or4timestotheToshiOfficeinNasu.Ihavenoknowledgeofwhatkindofthings
happenedinHomeofHeartorToshiOffice,Ialsohavenoknowledgeofthecontentsofthe
trials.Mynamehasalwaysbeeninvolvedwiththeseciviltrials,causingmedistressworry.
5.Presentconditions
Inthepresentcondition,unavoidably,Ihavedeclaredpersonalbankruptcy,andhavebeen
pronouncedbankrupt.
Withtheadvancingproceduresregardingbankruptcy,manythingsIdidnotknowabout
moneyandmanagementhavebeenmadecleartomeaboutHomeofHeart,HealingWorld
andToshiOffice.Ihonestlywishtocooperatewithnationalinstitutionstohelpexplainthe
truth.
IfeelasifIwokeupfromlongyearsofbeingdeceived.
Furtherfromthatreality,IdidnotunderstandwhatIwasgoingthroughformanyyears.I
wasforcedtodohardlabor,everydayforalongperiodoftime.Mybodyandmindsuffered,
andwithallofthesethingsaccumulated,Ihavebecomesick.
IapologizetoallthatIhave,unavoidably,duetoworkandinoppositiontomytrue
intentions,lied,inmyspeechandconductandpublishedliesinmyblog.
Inallofthe44yearsofmylife,thepasttwomonthsandhalfhavebeenthelongest.
Inthistime,Ihavebeenthinkingcarefully,Ihaveknownwhatistrulyimportanttome,andI
decidedtostartmylifeagain.
Iwillnever,inmylifetime,forgetthissentiment,andevenifitsmodest,Iwanttolivemylife
withoutlies.
Itrulythankallofyouwhohavesupportedmeuntilnow.
Fromnowon,pleasecontinuetokeepupwithme.
January17,2010TOSHI
Thenextday,January18,thepressconferencewasheldatmyrepresentativelawyersoffice.
Morethan100reportersandtelevisioncameramengatheredattheoffice.Foraboutonehour
andhalf,alongwithmyrepresentative,Iansweredquestionsaboutdissociationfrom
Masaya,divorcewithMoritaniandpersonalbankruptcy.Thecontentsofthispress
conferencespreadintosomethingbig,makingthenewsoftelevisionchannels,newspapers,
magazinesandothermediainthenextday.
Thevictimshiddencircumstances
Onthedayofthepressconference,myrepresentativewascontactedbylawyerMasakiKito,
wishingtospeaktomeaboutthecontentsoftheconference.
LawyerKitoalreadyworkedforsixyearsinefforttohelpagroupofvictimscalled
AnalyzingtheproblemofMasayaandKurabuchiToruGroup.Thejudicialwarbetween
thevictimsandMasaya,Moritaniandco.continued.However,Ihesitatedmeetinglawyer
Kito.Severalmonthsago,Ifoughtagainsthimandthevictimgroup,onthesideofMasaya
andMoritani.EventhoughitunderMasayaandMoritanisorders,Ihadactedandsaidvery
rudetolawyerKitoandtheinjuredparties.Ididntknowwhetheritwasagoodthingtosee
himfacetofaceagain.Ihadalreadybeensuchanuisance,Icouldntjustshowup.What
shouldIdo?Withoutananswer,Icontactedthefather.Afterexplainingitall,thefather
spoke.
Ifthelawyerwishestoseeyou,hemusthavesomekindofidea.Ifyoufeelsorryabout
whathappened,takethisopportunitytoapologize.Gotothemeeting.
Withthesenottoosevere,butdirectwords,sensingmyweaknessinfear,Iimmediately
contactedmyrepresentative,wishingtohavethemeeting.
Itrulyfeltlikeapologizing,butIwasanxiousaboutmypitiablestate.Iwasafraidofwhat
kindofwordshewouldsaytome.But,whateverhesaid,theonewhowaswrongherewas
me.Withmystomachinaknot,IwenttolawyerKitosoffice.There,lawyerKitoandmany
ofthevictimsgathered,waitingforme.WhenIenteredtheroom,thefirstthingIdidwasto
lowermyheadtolawyerKito.
ImverysorryaboutallthetimesIwasimpolite.Please,forgivemesomehow.
No,no.Itsfine.herepliedwithasmile.
Ialsobowedtothevictims.
Imtrulysorry.
Ithoughtthattheywouldfeeldistrustofme,butlikelawyerKito,theywelcomedmewithan
openattitude.Ifeltveryrelieved.
WeregladthatyougotoutofthereLawyerKitospokewithdeepemotion.
Everyonewhogatheredtodayherewantedverymuchtotellyouabouttheiractual
circumstances.Pleaselistentowhattheyhavetosay.
Oneofthevictimslookedatmewithadeepfacialexpression.
Thispersonhadcriticizedmeformanyyears.
Toshi,Iamsohappythatyouescaped.Fromnowon,youcanhelpusinthefightagainst
Masaya,Moritaniandothers.Letsdothistogether.
Thankyou.
IbroughtbyMoritani,Itooktheseminartrainingsandwithviolenceandabuse,Iwasina
stateofmindcontrol.Iwaswornout,mentallyandphysically.Ibecameaninjuredparty
withabout10millionyenofthroughtheirexploitationandimaginaryloans.
Thismaybehardforyoutohear,butwhatshockedmethemostwasIwasinNasu,
takingtheseminar,whenMoritanistartedtoverballyabuseToshionthephone.Iwasnextto
Moritani.Then,byMoritanisorder,Itoohadtopartakeintheverbalabuse.Idontknowfor
howlongitwent,butshepassedthephonetomeandIclosedmyeyesanddesperately
shoutedabuse.Sensingthatthingswerestrangearoundme,quicklyIopenedmyeyesand
saw,ontheside,MasayaandMoritanionherbed.Iwassoshockedwiththesuddennessof
whatIsawthatIfeltlikeIcouldntevenbreathe.ButinfearthatifIstoppedwiththeverbal
abuseagainstToshi,Iwouldgothroughviolenceandabuse,onceagainIclosedmyeyes
tightlyandcontinued.ButIwassoshaken,thatIhavenoideaofwhatIsayingtoToshi.
WhenMoritanisbusinessfinished,shetookthephonefromme,actingasifnothing
happenedandonceagainstartedverballyabusingToshi.
WhenIheardthis,IfinallyunderstoodtherealrelationshipbetweenMoritaniandMasaya.If
Ihadknownthatsomethinglikethishappenedbefore,Iwouldnothavegivenanymore
moneytothem.IwasspeechlessduetotheshockIfelt.
Theothervictimstoldtheirexperiences.
IwasbroughtbyMoritani,andtojoinHomeofHeart,manytimesIwasmadetoparticipate
inindecentactswithMasaya.
Iwasputunderastateofmindcontrolthroughtheabuseandviolence,andIhavealossof
13millionyen.MydaughterwasalsoverballyabusedandIcanonlyberegretfulasshestill
hastraumafromit.
Ialsohaveagreatlossofmoney,butwhatIdespisethemostisthatwhenItookthe
seminar,mydaughter,whowasnoteven3yearsold,wastakentoadarkroomandputintoa
cardboardbox,theyclosedtheboxandconfinedherthere.Thisisahorribleexperiencetoa
child.Todaysheisstillafraid.
Iwascoercedtohaveadivorce,andlostalotofmoney.My9yearolddaughterwas
prohibitedofattendingschool.Duringthattime,mydaughtertookcareoftheinfants.She
wasorderedbyMasayatoputtheseinfantsinsidecardboardboxes.
Ileftmyhouse,andcametolivetogetherwiththemattheNasuheadquarters.ButbeforeI
coulddothat,mydaughterandtheotherinjuredpartiestoldmenottogoandsavedme.
However,Istillsufferedmoneyloss,andhadtogetmanyloansofgreatquantitiesofmoney.
Threeofotherinjuredpartiesatthetimewereforcedtodeclarebankruptcy,oneofthem
declaredvoluntaryliquidation.Theytookadvantageofatroubledwomanlikeme,tookallof
mymoney,causingthedestructionofmyfamily,mydivorce,bankruptcy,andpsychological
distress.Mywholelifebecameamess.
Maybeifyouworkagain,Toshi,youllbeabletorebuildyourmoneyandlife.Buttome,I
lostmyspouse,Ilostmychildren,mymoney,andmylife.Icanthaveallofthisback.
Whathavetheydonetosuchpeople?Imaystillhaveachance,buttheyareworseoffthanI
am.Istillheardstoriesthatstartedwith
IwasbroughtinbyMoritani,andIlosthugequantitiesofmoney
IwashorrifiedbythewaytheydescribedMoritanismethodofinvitation.Itwasexactlylike
thewaysheactedwithmewhenImether,beforeIjoinedtheseminar.
(Wasitallplannedfromthestart!?Ishouldhavenoticedsooner)
Whenthestoriesofthevictimsended,Ifeltlikeasifallstrengthhadbeendrainedoutofme.
ThesepeoplestillareinajudicialwarwithMasayaandMoritaniforsuchalongtimeeven
withtheirpresentlosses.
Istoodagainstthem,notknowingaboutthesethingsorthepaintheyfeltIjustdidas
MasayaandMoritaniordered,thinkingitwastherightthingtodo
Ifeltapologetic,butnomatterhowmuchIapologized,itwouldntbeenough.Icouldnt
raisemyfacetolookatthemeither.
IaskedlawyerKito.
WhatcanIdonow?
ThereissomethingIaskofyou.Iamtheonewhowantstoendthisjudicialbattlethemost.
Therecanbenomorevictims.Forthat,letshaveanurgentpressconference.Ifyoufeel
confident,pleasehelpusout.Iwantyoutouniteandstandtogetherwithusandthejudges.
Igotit.Iwillofcoursedothat.
IdecidedtomyselfthatiftherewasanythingthatIcoulddotohelp,Iwould.
MasayaandMoritanishiddencircumstances
Afterthat,IalsometandapologizedtothosewhomIhadnotseenforalongtime.Allof
themtoldmethattheywerehappytoseemeoutofthere.Then,Iheardofthethingsthat
theycouldnttellmeuntilthen.Y,managerofabighotelenterprisegrouptoldme:
IreceivedaphonecallfromMoritani,sheaskedforahotelroominOsakaforMasayaand
her.Icouldnttellthistoyou.
T,bossofacompanylistedonthestockexchangetoldmewithapuzzledexpression:
Ireceivedalotoffaxletterwithheartsymbolsaddressedtome.Therewerealsomanymore
strangeincidents.WhenmywifesawMoritani,sheadvisedmenottotrusther.
O,ownerofafamousgalleryinTokyosaid:
Masayahasbeenwellknownasaswindlerformanyyears.
N,staffofaentertainmentproductioncompanyexplained:
EveryoneknowsthatMoritaniissomeonetobeextrawaryof.
Ialsoheardmanysimilarstoriesfrommanyothers.
IwonderedwhynoonetoldmeofthesethingsWhy!ButifIwereintheirplace,I
wouldnttelleither.
Theresponsibilityoftellingthetruthistooheavy
MychestwasinpainfromtheregretandsadnessthatIfeltfortheinconvenienceIcausedto
them.
InvestigationofthenatureofMoritanisincident
Continuingwiththeproceduresforbankruptcy,acourtwaschosensothattheprocesscould
begin.
MybankruptcytrusteerepresentativeclaimedforarestitutionofdamagesfromMoritaniand
Masayasunlawfulness.Ofcourse,Ihadnoobjectiontothat.Forthejudgessetup,Istarted
writingadocumentofstatement,wherethevictimsexperienceswereexplained,asproof.
However,thisdocumentmademefeelgreatlydepressed,asIrealizedthenumberof
Moritanisdamages.Sincewemet,shehadbeendoingthisforabout16years.Organizing
thedataandevidences,MoritanihadknownMasayabeforewemet,andtherewasabig
possibilitythattheyplannedbeforehandtobringmein.Alotofthingsstartedtomakesense
tome.
KnowingaboutMasayaandMoritaniscircumstances,hiddenfromme,Iwasattackedby
flashbacksofthescenesofviolenceandabusethatIsuffered.Ibecame,psychologically,
excessivelyinsecure,Ifeltthepainsonmychest,andIhadheadachesandfeltnauseous.
Theyrestilldoingthesethings!
Aloneintheroom,preparingthedocuments,suddenlyIscreamedinanger,throwingthe
piledupdocumentsabovethedeskaroundtheroom.Thattime,lawyerKitohadofferedmea
roominhisoffice,sothathecouldhelpmeandtheotherinjuredpartieswiththedata
organization,proof,andstatements.WhenIwasworkingonthedocumentofstatement,I
handledallkindsofdocuments,butmanyofthesedocumentsstatedMoritanisfrauds.The
moneyshestolefrommeinalltheseyearsamountedtomorethanonebillionyen.Ahuge
quantityofmoneyhadbeenalsostolenfromtheothervictims.Iwishthetaxationbureau
wouldinvestigateaboutthemoneyMasayaandMoritanihavehidden.
Afterthat,withthedevotedsupportoflawyerKitoandtheinjuredparties,afteroneyear,I
wasabletocompletethedocumentofstatement,andmybankruptcytrusteerepresentative
suedMasayaandMoritani,demandingrestitutionofdamagesincourt.
Masayaandtheotherarestilltoday,underadifferentnameofMARTHProductions
sellingproductsundermyname,suchasToshi,ToshiHealing,ToshiwithTEarth.
Masayastillusesmyname,Toshi,andpicturesofme,onhisofficialwebsite.Healso
publishesnoticesasifwewerestillfriends,inordertosellCDs.ThesalesoftheirCDs,
booksandhealinggoodsaretheirsourceofincome,whichishowtheycontinuewiththeir
usualpractices.Theymustbestopped.Thatisthepurposeofthisbook.
Thepressconferencewiththevictims
InApril232010,IparticipatedofapressconferencetogetherwithlawyerKitoandtheother
victims.Thefirstpersontoholdapressconferenceaboutlossesfromcultreligionsand
fraudulentpracticeswasIiboshiKeiko,in1992,andYamasakiHirokiin1993,inexplanatory
meetingsregardingtheUnificationChurch.In17years,apressconferenceaboutthiswitha
celebritywasaveryrareoccurrence.
TogetherwithlawyerKitoandthevictims,beforemanypressmembers,wetoldthefull
storyofthedamagesfromMasaya,Moritaniandothers.Withtheheavyburdenofthe
damagesforperiodsaslongassixyears,thesuitsagainstMasayaandMoritanirapidly
developedintosettlement,decidedinfavorofthevictims.MasayaandMoritanihadtoraise
thewhiteflag.
Withthesettlement,Ifeltlikealighthadshonetome,openinganewpathinmylife.
Whenthepressconferenceended,IstaredatTokyosnightskylinefromthewindowofthe
hotelIstayedat.Whatisthatpeoplesearchfor?Ineverywalkoflife,everyoneswishisto
behappy.Afterleavingthatworldofstatus,reputation,andgreedformoney,Icanlookatit
nowfromadifferentpointofview.Icannowseeclearlythedirtyspirit,theuglyactions.I
understoodthatthereisnohappinessinthat.But,whatistruehappiness?HowshouldIlive
theremainingshorttimelefttome?Iprofoundlythoughtaboutthesethingsforthefirsttime.
TrueaffectionIfinallyfound
Aftertheendofthepressconference,Iquicklyreturnedtothehouseinthemountains.I
wantedtotellfatherassoonaspossibleaboutthethingsthathappened.Idrovethroughthe
mountainroad,lateatnight.WhenIarrivedatthepitchblackgates,Isteppedoutofthecar.
Itssocold
Thetreesstillhadathincoatofsnowonthem.Thebeautifulsilversparkledasitfell.I
quietlyapproachedthegate,andlookedatthedimlightsofthehouse.
Itsfather!
AsfastasIcould,Iopenedthefrontdoorwithoutevenknocking,walkinginsidethehouse.
Asusually,inthetearoom,Isawthefigureoffather,sittingquietly,perhapswaitingforme
atsuchlatehour.
Father,Ireturned.
Forsomereason,Ifeltreliefbreathinginthefamiliarscent.
Isafelycompletedatasktoday,withyourhelp.Thankyouverymuch.
Imgladaboutthat
Fatherasthere,beforeme,smilinggently.
Father,thereissomethingIvebeenthinkingabouttoday.Wouldyouhearmeout?
Whatisit?
WhatdoIdotolivehappily?
LetsseeThatwouldbelivingwithhonestyandintegrity
Honesty
Yes,honesty.
Hearingthesedeep,dignifiedwords,Ifeltmyfacehot.ButIdecidedwouldntcry
However,witheverythingthatwentsofar,Icried,withallmymight,inmyheart.
Thereareencountersinlife.Toallpeople,onedaythetimetosaygoodbyewillcome.I
lostallthatIhad,andwhenIwasabouttogiveup,Imetwonderfulpeoplethrougha
miraculousencounter.Changingmyideas,IsummonedallthestrengthIhadleftandtook
myfirststep.
Istronglybelievethatanyonecanstartoveragain,anytime.
Howevershorttodaymightbe,tomeitismyremaininglife.
Iwishtolivewithhonestyandintegrity,hereandnow.
Toshi
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JANUARY21ST,2015 10COMMENTS YASASHIIKISU
Maurosays:
Thanksforyourwonderfulworkonthsbook.amazngreadng!!
Reply
corysays:
feeltruelyrelievedthattoshifinnallymeetsomedignifiedpeoplehecan
trustandfinnallycomebacktoXjapanandYoshiki.hopefully,fromnow
on,itsallabouthappiness
Reply
sonasays:
thanksforthisstrongbookandwonderfultranslationIspeakspanish,
regularenglish,butIcouldreaditperfectly
IwasntToshisfanafterthis,Ihaveadifferentsightofhimgoodlook
Toshi
Reply
Gotchasays:
Thankyouverymuchforthetranslation,Imsurethiswasnoeasytask.
Toshiwasveryluckytofindpeoplewhowerewillingtohelphimoutwhen
heneededthemost.
Reply
Evesays:
March4,2015at6:06pm
ThankyousosososoSOmuchfortakingthetimeandefforttotranslateall
this.IhavesomuchrespectforToshitogothroughwhathesbeen
through,enduringYEARSofhellandthenhavingthecouragetotalkabout
it,admittinghisownmistakesaswell,butresolvingtostartanewandlive
honestlyand(Ihope)happilynow.Iwishhimallthebestintheworld!!!
Reply
Sarahsays:
April22,2015at5:06am
Thankusomuchforyourhardwork!!!!!
Reply
hilliemeraldsays:
May11,2015at11:16am
Thankyouforthetranslation.Evenreadingthis,wow,Ifeltsuchemotional
disturbance.IdontknowifIcouldhavetranslatedtextlikethisatall,soI
appreciateyoureffortALOT.
Thebookitselfleavesmespeechless.WhatwasgoingonwhileIwas
happilyenjoyingToshissingingvoiceinXsongs.Aboutthebrainwash
thing,Ialsothinkhesveryhumbleandbrave,topubliclyadmitthatyou
wereright,allthosebrainwashrumorswerethetruthafterall.DunnoifI
hadtheguts.
AlsoaboutXJapansunactiveactivity,Idontfeellikecomplainingever
again.Justwishingmyfavemalevocalistwouldbehappy.<3
Reply
Nimsays:
May18,2015at3:12am
Yourworkwaswonderful!<3Ireallyappreciateit
Btw,canIborrowyourtranscriptformyVietnamesetranslation?Isentyou
anemaillastweektogetyourallowancebutI'mnotsureifyougotit.
Pleaseletmeknow,thanks!
Reply
Bunnysays:
June13,2015at6:56pm
Sorryforthewait.Juriagavemetheoksogoaheadandfeel
freetotranslate,justmakesureyoureadtheFAQabout
translationsplease.ThanX.
Reply
WeRXsays:
July15,2015at12:34am
Wow,thankyouforthetranslation,thismusthavebeenalotofworkand
youdidanexcellentjob!Icouldnotstopreading.Icanreallysensethe
honesty,reflection,pain,andregretinthewordsyouchose.Ithinkyouhave
trulyconveyedthefeelingofthebookaswellasthecontent.Ialmostcant
believeallthatToshIwentthrough,butwhenIwatchedtheoldvideosand
thingsIcouldseehewasstrugglingwithsomething(s).Nowitmakessense.
Iamsogladhefoundawayoutofthecult.Thattookalotofinnerstrength
tobreakthrough12yearsofconditioningandseethatitwasallwrong.He
seemsreallyhappynowtobebackwithhisfriends,andhessingingbetter
thanever.Iwonderifherelatestothesongsevenmorenow,evensomeof
theoldsongs(voicelessscreaming)arestrangelypropheticofwhatwould
happen.ButcmonToshI,takeoffthesunglassessometimes!
Reply
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