Adults Dirty Sex Joke Book!

Over 160 Hilarious, Rude and

Funny Adults Only Jokes

First Edition - June 2014.

Edited by IP Freely

Copyright 2014

All rights reserved

This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced

or used in any manner whatsoever without the expressed
written permission of the publisher except for the use of
brief quotation in a book review.
1.
What is six inches long, two inches wide and drives
women wild?
A hundred dollar bill.

2.
A guy was setting up a password for his computer. He
tried My penis but the computer rejected it, why?
It wasnt long enough.

3.
Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

4.
Why is a vagina like the weather?
Because when its wet, its time to go inside.

5.
What fits between breasts, gets longer when you pull,
inserts smoothly in a hole, and works great when
jerked?
A seatbelt.

6.
What is slimy, cold, long and smells like pork?
Kermit the Frogs finger.

7.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.

8.
What is long, hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.

9.
Why does a dick have a sad life?
His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next-door
neighbor is a pussy, his best friend is a pussy, and his
owner constantly beats him.
10.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep on
each arm?
A pimp.

11.
What part of a vegetable is hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.

12.
What do you call two fat people talking?
A heavy discussion.

13.
What is the difference between Michael Phelps and
Hitler?
Michael Phelps can finish a race.
14.
What kind of bees produces milk?
Boobees (boobies).

15.
Why did the husband get mad when his wife shaved
her privates in the shower?
The damn drains clogged again!

16.
The biggest prostitute in history would swallow as
many balls as she could until she died for 25 cents.
Who is she?
Ms. Pacman

17.
What did the egg say to the pan to get it hot?
Ive got a huge crack.

18.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play soccer?
The grass tickles their balls.

19.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his
girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.

20.
After asking what his son wanted in a girlfriend, why
did the dad high five and ground his son?
The son answered my dick.

21.
What was Santas reply when a little boy asked him to
send a little sister?
Santa: send me your mother.

22.
What kind of Popsicle do you give a vampire?
A frozen used tampon.
23.
How is a casino like a woman?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

24.
What do a burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend have
in common?
You wish you took it out sooner.

25.
How do you know youre at a gay picnic?
All the hotdogs taste like crap.

26.
What do you call two jalapenos having sex?
Fucking HOT!

27.
What did the mother say to her smart and beautiful
daughter?
To think I almost swallowed you.
28.
Where do monkeys like to go to get drunk?
To the monkey bars.

29.
How do you deal with pedophiles?
You grow up.

30.
What do bees get when they drink alcohol?
An extra buzz.

31.
Why did a man name his racehorse My Face?
He wanted to hear people chant Come on my face.

32.
What did the hair dryer say to the fan?
Lets blow each other.
33.
What do beer drinkers and people with necrophilia
have in common?
They both like to crack open a cold one.

34.
Who are the five kings that make people most happy?
Smo-king, drin-king, lic-king, suc-king and fuc-king.

35.
Why is Santa Clauses sack so big?
Because he only comes once a year.

36.
What is the difference between your meat and your
chicken?
Your chicken would die if you beat it.

37.
What will it take to make a Beatles reunion?
Two smartly aimed bullets.

38.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have
in common?
They can smell it, but they cant eat it.

39.
What do a Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

40.
How do you spot the blind guy in a nudist
community?
All you have to do is look around, its not hard.

41.
What do you call sex in an elevator?
Taking it to the next level.
42.
How do you know when its extremely cold outside?
When a gangster pulls his pants up.

43.
What do women and tornadoes have in common?
They moan loudly when they come, and take the house
with them when they leave.

44.
What do you call a female anorexic with a yeast
infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.

45.
What did the butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.

46.
Whats worse than waking up in a party with a penis
drawn on your face?
Finding out that it was traced.

47.
What is the difference between oooooooh and
aaaaaaaah?
About three inches.

48.
What do you call having sex while camping?
Its fucking intents.

49.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary and toilet seat have
in common?
Men usually miss all three.

50.
How many animals can fit in a panty hose?
Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a lot of hares, a camel toe,
and a fish nobody can find.
51.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping
for breath and calling out your name?
It means you didnt hold the pillow down long enough.

52.
What is the difference between your girlfriend and
KFC?
The breasts, legs and thighs in KFC are delicious.

53.
What did the blind man say when he passed the fish
market?
Good day, ladies.

54.
What goes in pink and hard, and goes out soft and
squishy?
A chewing gum.

55.
What did the letter O say to the letter Q?
Dude, why is your dick hanging out?

56.
How do you know when its time to stop having sex in
doggy style?
When your wife starts chasing after cars.

57.
What is a 6.9?
A good thing screwed up by a period.

58.
What do a blonde and a fridge have in common?
You still enjoy opening them even though you know its
empty.

59.
Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Because cowboys like to keep their hats on when they
eat.

60.
How do you know God is not female?
Its been five billion years and the planets havent been
rearranged.

61.
Why do women talk too much?
Because they have two lips.

62.
Why do women in relationships think too much?
Because they have two extra heads on them.

63.
Lady cop: You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say or do will be used against you.
Man: Boobs!
64.
What is the difference between a genealogist and a
gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist
looks up your family bush.

65.
What did the coconut say to the palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is not an ordinary blow job!

66.
What are the three words you dread most while in the
middle of having sex?
Honey, Im home!

67.
Why is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend can make it hard.

68.
What is a lesbians favorite thing to eat?
A Klondike bar.
69.
What do dating a stripper and eating chips in church
have in common?
Everyone would look at you in disgust but deep inside
wish that they have one, too.

70.
What do you call a woman with an opinion?
Wrong!

71.
Have you heard of the new movie called
Constipation?
It hasnt come out yet!

72.
What did the bread say to the toaster to get it hot?
I want to get inside of you.
73.
What have men and floor tiles have in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all
over them for the rest of your life.

74.
Why are pubic hairs so curly?
So that they dont poke your eyes.

75.
What do you get when you cross a blonde with a
lawyer?
I dont know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.

76.
Why is a man like a Swiss army knife?
He is meant to have a useful and versatile tool, but he
spends most of his time just opening beer.

77.
Why do prostitutes make good bread?
Because they have yeast.

78.
Why did God give men penises?
So that men would have at least one way to shut their
women up.

79.
What is the difference between ice cream and a
masochist?
Ice cream is often licked but never beaten.

80.
How do you know if an Eskimos about to go into
labor?
When ice cubes appear on her feet.

81.
What is the difference between a woman and a
pitbull?
One wears a lipstick.
82.
What is the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms arent thick a sensitive these days.

83.
How is marriage like a deck of cards?
At the beginning all you need are two hearts and a
diamond, but by the end you would wish that you had a
club and a spade.

84.
Scientists found food that makes womens sex drive
go down by 90%.
A wedding cake.

85.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
Well, he worked it out with a pencil.
86.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A girlfriend to show him how to work it.

87.
How does a nerd pick up a chubby chick?
Studies show that kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute,
want to workout?

88.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a registered six offender.

89.
What did the photon quanta say to the valence
electron?
You excite me to another level.

90.
What do virgins and vegetarians have in common?
They both refuse to eat meat.

91.
What is long, hard and full of sea men?
A submarine.

92.
Why do female skydivers wear jockstraps?
So they dont whistle on their way down.

93.
How is life like a penis?
Its simple, soft, straight, relaxed and free until a woman
makes it hard.

94.
Why are girlfriends like condoms?
They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the
other 1% on your dick.
95.
What did the bartender say when a man walked in
with a gun asking for the guy who screwed his wife?
You dont have enough ammo, mate.

96.
What is full of many little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

97.
Why do vegetarians give such good head?
Because they are used to eating nuts.

98.
What is long, hard and erects stuff?
A walking stick.

99.
What did the husband say when his wife asked him
whether he was embarrassed to be seen with her?
Nothing. He just texted her, No, of course not, baby
from right across the street.

100.
Why did the snowman smile dirty?
Because the snow blower is coming.

101.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.

102.
What does a perverted frog say?
Rubbit.

103.
How do you turn your girlfriend into an elephant?
Marry her.

104.
What are the lightest things in the world?
Penises because even thoughts are enough to raise them.

105.
What is the cheapest type of meat can you buy?
Deer balls because they are only under a buck.

106.
What is the difference between a male bandleader and
a male gynecologist?
A bandleader fucks his singers while a gynecologist sucks
his fingers.

107.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she handed it to
him.

108.
What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day whole, while anal sex makes
your hole weak.
109.
What is a zebra?
Twenty-six time larger than A bra.

110.
Which one doesnt belong in the group: a blowjob, a
wife, a meat, an egg?
A blowjob, because you can beat your wife, meat and
eggs, but not a blowjob.

111.
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.

112.
What would you see if a Pillsbury doughboy were to
bend over?
A huge-ass white doughnut.

113.
Who makes more money between a drug dealer and a
streetwalker?
A streetwalker, because she can just wash and resell her
crack.

114.
What do you call a perverted IT teacher who touches
his students?
A PFD file.

115.
Why is sex like a bridge game?
Because you dont need a partner as long as you have a
good hand.

116.
How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen
pregnant?
The Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

117.
Whats the difference between a white owl and a black
one?
A white owl would coo hoot, hoot, while a black one
would say who dat, who dat?

118.
What is more important than having a woman who
cooks and cleans, finding a woman who has money,
and finding a woman who like to have sex?
Making sure that those three women of yours never
meet.

119.
Whats white and fourteen inches long?
Nothing!

120.
What book do women like best?
A checkbook.

121.
What does a near-sighted gynecologist and puppy
have in common?
A wet nose.
122.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and a
pimple?
A pimple would at least wait until youre a teenager
before it explodes on your face.

123.
How do you know when youre girlfriend is getting
fat?
When she can fit in your wifes clothes.

124.
How can you tell when youre in a gay church?
When half of the congregation is on their knees.

125.
Whats the difference between a new husband and a
new dog?
After a year, a new dog would still be excited to see you.
126.
How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They can irritate the crap out of you.

127.
Why is getting a blowjob from your grandmother like
walking on a tightrope?
Because you would not want to look down.

128.
What is the difference between a clever midget and a
venereal disease?
The first is a cunning runt, while the second is a running
cunt.

129.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, because they are both stuck up bitches.

130.
How can you differentiate an oral thermometer from a
rectal thermometer?
By the taste.

131.
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Easy, a piece of cake.

132.
What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
They older they get, the easier it is to pick them up.

133.
What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
Hopefully, your girlfriend.

134.
What do you call an Italian prostitute?
A cheap pasta-tute.

135.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them up.

136.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because its not a big deal until youre not getting any.

137.
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having
sex?
Call her and tell her that youre doing it.

138.
What does a 75-year-old woman have between her
breasts that a 25-year-old does not?
Her navel.

139.
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

140.
What do you call a nun riding a wheelchair?
The Virgin Mobile.

141.
What do a preserved forest and a nun have in common?
They are both untouched and full of shrubbery.

142.
How can a woman scare her gynecologist?
She can become a ventriloquist.

143.
How can you tell when a mechanic has just had sex?
One of his fingers isnt covered in grease.

144.
How did Rihanna find out that Chris Brown was
cheating on her?
He found another womans lipstick on his knuckles.

145.
What did the elephant say to the naked guy?
Hey dude, thats cute, but can you breathe through it?

146.
What is better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.

147.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of
retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.

148.
Where do you get virgin wool?
From an ugly sheep.
149.
Why do Jewish men prefer watching porn backwards?
Because they like watching the prostitute giving the
money back.

150.
What do you call a guy who cries while he beats
himself?
A tearjerker.

151.
Which sex position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

152.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian
vampire?
See you again next week!

153.
What is the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
You can drop them off anywhere.

154.
What car do prostitutes prefer?
An esca-laid.
155.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You dress her up as an altar boy.
156.
How did the hillbilly find his daughter in the woods?
Pretty damn good.

157.
How is broccoli like a females pubic hair?
You push it to the side before you start eating.

158.
What is the difference between a whore and a
mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.

159.
What is the difference between a car tire and 365
condoms?
The first one is a Goodyear, while the second one is a
fucking good year.

160.
What do you call a Chinese rapist?
Rai Ping Yu.

161.
Why did the slut travelling to London get pissed once
she got there?
Because she found out that Big Ben was just a clock.

162.
Who was the worlds first carpenter?
Eve, because she made Adams wood stand.

163.
Whats the difference between your pregnant wife
and a light bulb?
You can unscrew the light bulb.

164.
Define a womans menstrual period.
A bloody waste of a fucking time.

165.
Why do perverts like gardening?
Because they can get down and dirty with their hoes.

166.
What is the difference between a snowman and a
snowwoman?
A pair of snowballs.

167.
How is a womans privates like a warm toilet seat?
It feels good but you wonder who was there before you.

168.
What does the sign on a closed whorehouses door say?
Beat it were closed