Get home read a text from dad.

Then another one was sent, Your mom and sister are

heading to the hospital, Grammy is there and shes not doing so well.

Confused at how sudden everything was happening, I told AJ that I had to go even

though I had just gotten my plate and sat down to eat dinner with his family.

Where do you have to go? he asked.

My dad just texted me and said that my grandma is in the hospital and isnt doing good,

I replied.

Well all be praying for you and your family, let us know when you find anything out,

said AJs dad.

As I was driving home to get my dad all I could think about was how good my day had

been going. It was the first time that I had met his family and gone to church with them. Dad told

me to pull up in the emergency room parking lot and we walked in. Emergency room? I thought

to myself a little bit confused.

Visiting or need admitted? asked the lady at the front desk who didnt even look up

from her computer screen.

Visiting, were here to see Claudia Rapp please, responded my dad. The lady looked up

from her screen apologetically and the man beside her stood up and motioned for us to follow.

What did that look mean? How does this guy know where to go without looking at anything to

give him a room number when there are so many ER patients? These questions ran through my

head as he used his ID to get us through the sets of doors leading back to the patients.

Wheres Grammy? I asked as he led us into a small room of my family.

Why dont you sit down, Taylor? said dad. My uncles girlfriend looked up with

painful eyes and thats when I knew what they were going to say, but I didnt believe it. Denial:
the first stage of grief. My grandpa saw how I was reacting and told me to follow him; he told

me that I may resent him for this, but that it had to be done and pulled back a curtain. There she

lay, motionless, pale, and cold. I couldnt breathe, I dropped to the floor. Is this it? Is she really

gone? This cannot be real, she was perfectly fine last Sunday when I saw her. I dont understand.

My dad pulls me to my feet and holds me close. I am taken back to the small room where

everyone was crying. I sit down and curl up into a ball trying to convince myself that this is

actually happening.

What even happened? I choked, she was perfectly fine a week ago, now this?

We dont know, she was talking to me when we pulled in and when they came out to

check her pulse she had coded, they intubated her and tried to resuscitate and got nothing, but

weve decided to get an autopsy done to figure out what happened since it was so sudden and

unexpected, my grandpa replied.

I went into the hallway and called my best friend, silently sobbing and trying to tell her

what happened, just calm down for a second and breathe, Taylor, she said.

Its just hard because we always go to their house after church every Sunday and this

was the first time I went to AJs church and didnt go to her house afterwards. If I did then I

wouldve been there for her, I just feel so guilty, I replied, crying harder now.

Itll always be hard; people say it gets easier over time, but really you just forget how to

feel. You cant focus on missed opportunities and the bad times, think about the good times and

all the memories you made with her, she said with hopes that I would find some comfort in her

words.

We talked a bit more and then I told her that I should go because there was school in the

morning and by this time it was nearing 12:30 AM. I end the call and go back to where they have
my grandma. I sit down by her bed and talk to her. She doesnt even look like she did when I last

saw her and all of the wires and tubes surrounding her did not help ease my pain. They have her

tucked into the white blankets and her hair is brushed back; the tube that once helped her breathe

is still down her throat, but is unplugged and no longer giving her life. I plead for her to come

back, just one breath, to choke on the tube so they know shes still here and breathing,

something-anything. I know it would take an absolute miracle for any of that to happen so I just

lay my head on her bed and hold myself in a ball, not knowing if the pain would ever subside.

Rubric rating submitted on: 12/11/2017, 9:40:51 PM by danielle.cook@redstreaks.org

5 4 3 2 1 0

Introduction 5 = Fully and 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No

W.3.a creatively Demonstrated Attempted to Attempted to Attempted to attempt made
Your score: demonstrated Engages and demonstrate; demonstrate; demonstrate; Engages and
4 Engages and orient the a couple a few errors several errors orient the
orient the reader by errors exist exist exist reader by
reader by setting out a Engages and Engages and Engages and setting out a
setting out a problem orient the orient the orient the problem
problem (conflict), reader by reader by reader by (conflict),
(conflict), situation, or setting out a setting out a setting out a situation, or
situation, or observation problem problem problem observation
observation and (conflict), (conflict), (conflict), and
and determines its situation, or situation, or situation, or determines its
determines its significance. observation observation observation significance.
significance. Establishes and and and Establishes
Establishes one or determines its determines its determines its one or
one or multiple significance. significance. significance. multiple
multiple point(s) of Establishes Establishes Establishes point(s) of
point(s) of view and one or one or one or view and
view and introduces the multiple multiple multiple introduces the
introduces the narrator point(s) of point(s) of point(s) of narrator
narrator and/or view and view and view and and/or
and/or characters. introduces the introduces the introduces the characters.
characters. narrator narrator narrator
and/or and/or and/or
characters. characters. characters.

Rising Action 5 = Fully and 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No

& Climax creatively Demonstrated Attempted to Attempted to Attempted to attempt made
W.3.b,c,d (1) demonstrated Uses dialogue demonstrate; demonstrate; demonstrate; Uses dialogue
Your score: Uses dialogue and a couple a few errors several errors and
5 and description errors exist exist exist description
description (characterizat Uses dialogue Uses dialogue Uses dialogue (characterizat
(characterizat ion) to and and and ion) to
ion) to develop description description description develop
develop experiences, (characterizat (characterizat (characterizat experiences,
experiences, events, and/or ion) to ion) to ion) to events, and/or
events, and/or characters. develop develop develop characters.
characters. Uses pacing, experiences, experiences, experiences, Uses pacing,
Uses pacing, reflection , events, and/or events, and/or events, and/or reflection ,
reflection , suspense and characters. characters. characters. suspense and
suspense and foreshadowin Uses pacing, Uses pacing, Uses pacing, foreshadowin
foreshadowin g to develop reflection , reflection , reflection , g to develop
g to develop experiences, suspense and suspense and suspense and experiences,
experiences, events, and/or foreshadowin foreshadowin foreshadowin events, and/or
events, and/or characters. g to develop g to develop g to develop characters.
characters. Sequence experiences, experiences, experiences, Sequence
Sequence events so that events, and/or events, and/or events, and/or events so that
events so that they build on characters. characters. characters. they build on
they build on one another Sequence Sequence Sequence one another
one another to create a events so that events so that events so that to create a
to create a coherent they build on they build on they build on coherent
coherent whole and one another one another one another whole and
whole and build toward to create a to create a to create a build toward
build toward a particular coherent coherent coherent a particular
a particular tone and whole and whole and whole and tone and
tone and outcome (e.g. build toward build toward build toward outcome (e.g.
outcome (e.g. sense of a particular a particular a particular sense of
sense of mystery, tone and tone and tone and mystery,
mystery, suspense, outcome (e.g. outcome (e.g. outcome (e.g. suspense,
suspense, growth, or sense of sense of sense of growth, or
growth, or resolution) mystery, mystery, mystery, resolution)
resolution) Uses clear suspense, suspense, suspense, Uses clear
Uses clear transitions growth, or growth, or growth, or transitions
transitions frequently to resolution) resolution) resolution) frequently to
frequently to help develop Uses clear Uses clear Uses clear help develop
help develop the transitions transitions transitions the
the sequencing of frequently to frequently to frequently to sequencing of
sequencing of events. help develop help develop help develop events.
events. Uses a the the the Uses a
Uses a precise/strong sequencing of sequencing of sequencing of precise/strong
precise/strong words and events. events. events. words and
words and phrases, Uses a Uses a Uses a phrases,
phrases, telling details, precise/strong precise/strong precise/strong telling details,
telling details, and sensory words and words and words and and sensory
and sensory language to phrases, phrases, phrases, language to
language to convey a telling details, telling details, telling details, convey a
convey a vivid picture and sensory and sensory and sensory vivid picture
vivid picture of the language to language to language to of the
of the experiences, convey a convey a convey a experiences,
experiences, events, vivid picture vivid picture vivid picture events,
events, settings of the of the of the settings
settings and/or experiences, experiences, experiences, and/or
and/or characters. events, events, events, characters.
characters. Develops a settings settings settings Develops a
Develops a theme and and/or and/or and/or theme and
theme and weave it characters. characters. characters. weave it
weave it throughout Develops a Develops a Develops a throughout
throughout the narrative. theme and theme and theme and the narrative.
the narrative. Presents and weave it weave it weave it Presents and
Presents and develops throughout throughout throughout develops
develops complications the narrative. the narrative. the narrative. complications
complications to lead up to Presents and Presents and Presents and to lead up to
to lead up to the climax develops develops develops the climax
the climax and develops complications complications complications and develops
and develops a clear climax to lead up to to lead up to to lead up to a clear climax
a clear climax or turning the climax the climax the climax or turning
or turning point in the and develops and develops and develops point in the
point in the narrative. a clear climax a clear climax a clear climax narrative.
narrative. Uses or turning or turning or turning Uses
Uses figurative point in the point in the point in the figurative
figurative language in narrative. narrative. narrative. language in
language in the narrative Uses Uses Uses the narrative
the narrative to develop the figurative figurative figurative to develop the
to develop the plot, language in language in language in plot,
plot, characters, the narrative the narrative the narrative characters,
characters, events, and/or to develop the to develop the to develop the events, and/or
events, and/or experiences. plot, plot, plot, experiences.
experiences. Uses at least characters, characters, characters, Uses at least
Uses at least one of the events, and/or events, and/or events, and/or one of the
one of the following: experiences. experiences. experiences. following:
following: irony, Uses at least Uses at least Uses at least irony,
irony, symbolism, one of the one of the one of the symbolism,
symbolism, multiple following: following: following: multiple
multiple plots, irony, irony, irony, plots,
plots, paradox, symbolism, symbolism, symbolism, paradox,
paradox, archetype, multiple multiple multiple archetype,
archetype, flashback, or plots, plots, plots, flashback, or
flashback, or stream of paradox, paradox, paradox, stream of
stream of consciousness archetype, archetype, archetype, consciousness
consciousness . flashback, or flashback, or flashback, or .
. stream of stream of stream of
consciousness consciousness consciousness
. . .
Rising Action 5 = Fully and 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No
& Climax creatively Demonstrated Attempted to Attempted to Attempted to attempt made
W.3.b,c,d (2) demonstrated Uses dialogue demonstrate; demonstrate; demonstrate; Uses dialogue
Your score: Uses dialogue and a couple a few errors several errors and
5 and description errors exist exist exist description
description (characterizat Uses dialogue Uses dialogue Uses dialogue (characterizat
(characterizat ion) to and and and ion) to
ion) to develop description description description develop
develop experiences, (characterizat (characterizat (characterizat experiences,
experiences, events, and/or ion) to ion) to ion) to events, and/or
events, and/or characters. develop develop develop characters.
characters. Uses pacing, experiences, experiences, experiences, Uses pacing,
Uses pacing, reflection , events, and/or events, and/or events, and/or reflection ,
reflection , suspense and characters. characters. characters. suspense and
suspense and foreshadowin Uses pacing, Uses pacing, Uses pacing, foreshadowin
foreshadowin g to develop reflection , reflection , reflection , g to develop
g to develop experiences, suspense and suspense and suspense and experiences,
experiences, events, and/or foreshadowin foreshadowin foreshadowin events, and/or
events, and/or characters. g to develop g to develop g to develop characters.
characters. Sequence experiences, experiences, experiences, Sequence
Sequence events so that events, and/or events, and/or events, and/or events so that
events so that they build on characters. characters. characters. they build on
they build on one another Sequence Sequence Sequence one another
one another to create a events so that events so that events so that to create a
to create a coherent they build on they build on they build on coherent
coherent whole and one another one another one another whole and
whole and build toward to create a to create a to create a build toward
build toward a particular coherent coherent coherent a particular
a particular tone and whole and whole and whole and tone and
tone and outcome (e.g. build toward build toward build toward outcome (e.g.
outcome (e.g. sense of a particular a particular a particular sense of
sense of mystery, tone and tone and tone and mystery,
mystery, suspense, outcome (e.g. outcome (e.g. outcome (e.g. suspense,
suspense, growth, or sense of sense of sense of growth, or
growth, or resolution) mystery, mystery, mystery, resolution)
resolution) Uses clear suspense, suspense, suspense, Uses clear
Uses clear transitions growth, or growth, or growth, or transitions
transitions frequently to resolution) resolution) resolution) frequently to
frequently to help develop Uses clear Uses clear Uses clear help develop
help develop the transitions transitions transitions the
the sequencing of frequently to frequently to frequently to sequencing of
sequencing of events. help develop help develop help develop events.
events. Uses a the the the Uses a
Uses a precise/strong sequencing of sequencing of sequencing of precise/strong
precise/strong words and events. events. events. words and
words and phrases, Uses a Uses a Uses a phrases,
phrases, telling details, precise/strong precise/strong precise/strong telling details,
telling details, and sensory words and words and words and and sensory
and sensory language to phrases, phrases, phrases, language to
language to convey a telling details, telling details, telling details, convey a
convey a vivid picture and sensory and sensory and sensory vivid picture
vivid picture of the language to language to language to of the
of the experiences, convey a convey a convey a experiences,
experiences, events, vivid picture vivid picture vivid picture events,
events, settings of the of the of the settings
settings and/or experiences, experiences, experiences, and/or
and/or characters. events, events, events, characters.
characters. Develops a settings settings settings Develops a
Develops a theme and and/or and/or and/or theme and
theme and weave it characters. characters. characters. weave it
weave it throughout Develops a Develops a Develops a throughout
throughout the narrative. theme and theme and theme and the narrative.
the narrative. Presents and weave it weave it weave it Presents and
Presents and develops throughout throughout throughout develops
develops complications the narrative. the narrative. the narrative. complications
complications to lead up to Presents and Presents and Presents and to lead up to
to lead up to the climax develops develops develops the climax
the climax and develops complications complications complications and develops
and develops a clear climax to lead up to to lead up to to lead up to a clear climax
a clear climax or turning the climax the climax the climax or turning
or turning point in the and develops and develops and develops point in the
point in the narrative. a clear climax a clear climax a clear climax narrative.
narrative. Uses or turning or turning or turning Uses
Uses figurative point in the point in the point in the figurative
figurative language in narrative. narrative. narrative. language in
language in the narrative Uses Uses Uses the narrative
the narrative to develop the figurative figurative figurative to develop the
to develop the plot, language in language in language in plot,
plot, characters, the narrative the narrative the narrative characters,
characters, events, and/or to develop the to develop the to develop the events, and/or
events, and/or experiences. plot, plot, plot, experiences.
experiences. Uses at least characters, characters, characters, Uses at least
Uses at least one of the events, and/or events, and/or events, and/or one of the
one of the following: experiences. experiences. experiences. following:
following: irony, Uses at least Uses at least Uses at least irony,
irony, symbolism, one of the one of the one of the symbolism,
symbolism, multiple following: following: following: multiple
multiple plots, irony, irony, irony, plots,
plots, paradox, symbolism, symbolism, symbolism, paradox,
paradox, archetype, multiple multiple multiple archetype,
archetype, flashback, or plots, plots, plots, flashback, or
flashback, or stream of paradox, paradox, paradox, stream of
stream of consciousness archetype, archetype, archetype, consciousness
 consciousness . flashback, or flashback, or flashback, or .
. stream of stream of stream of
consciousness consciousness consciousness
. . .

Falling 5 = Fully and 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No

Action & creatively Demonstrated Attempted to Attempted to Attempted to attempt made
Conclusion demonstrated The problem, demonstrate; demonstrate; demonstrate; The problem,
W.3.e The problem, situation, or a couple a few errors several errors situation, or
situation, or observation is errors exist exist exist observation is
Your score: observation is clearly The problem, The problem, The problem, clearly
4 clearly resolved. situation, or situation, or situation, or resolved.
resolved. Provides a observation is observation is observation is Provides a
Provides a conclusion clearly clearly clearly conclusion
conclusion that follows resolved. resolved. resolved. that follows
that follows from and Provides a Provides a Provides a from and
from and reflects on conclusion conclusion conclusion reflects on
reflects on what is that follows that follows that follows what is
what is experienced, from and from and from and experienced,
experienced, observed, or reflects on reflects on reflects on observed, or
observed, or resolved over what is what is what is resolved over
resolved over the course of experienced, experienced, experienced, the course of
the course of the narrative. observed, or observed, or observed, or the narrative.
the narrative. Reflects upon resolved over resolved over resolved over Reflects upon
Reflects upon the theme(s) the course of the course of the course of the theme(s)
the theme(s) in the the narrative. the narrative. the narrative. in the
in the conclusion to Reflects upon Reflects upon Reflects upon conclusion to
conclusion to leave the the theme(s) the theme(s) the theme(s) leave the
leave the reader with a in the in the in the reader with a
reader with a lasting conclusion to conclusion to conclusion to lasting
lasting message to leave the leave the leave the message to
message to take away reader with a reader with a reader with a take away
take away from the story lasting lasting lasting from the story
from the story and apply to message to message to message to and apply to
and apply to life. take away take away take away life.
life. from the story from the story from the story
and apply to and apply to and apply to
life. life. life.

Mechanics, 5 = Fully and 4= 3= 2= Attempted 1= Attempted 0 = No

Usage & creatively Demonstrated Attempted to to to attempt made
Style W.1.c,d demonstrated Sentence demonstrate; demonstrate; demonstrate; Sentence
& L. 1 & 2 Sentence variety and a couple a few errors several errors variety and
 variety and word choice errors exist exist exist word choice
Your score: word choice is effective Sentence Sentence Sentence is effective
5 is effective and variety and variety and variety and and
and sophisticated. word choice word choice word choice sophisticated.
sophisticated. A formal is effective is effective is effective A formal
A formal style and and and and style and
style and objective tone sophisticated. sophisticated. sophisticated. objective tone
objective tone is established A formal A formal A formal is established
is established and style and style and style and and
and maintained & objective tone objective tone objective tone maintained &
maintained & Writing is is established is established is established Writing is
Writing is clear, and and and clear,
clear, concise, and maintained & maintained & maintained & concise, and
concise, and strong. Writing is Writing is Writing is strong.
strong. Sentences clear, clear, clear, Sentences
Sentences demonstrate concise, and concise, and concise, and demonstrate
demonstrate correct usage, strong. strong. strong. correct usage,
correct usage, punctuation, Sentences Sentences Sentences punctuation,
punctuation, capitalization, demonstrate demonstrate demonstrate capitalization,
capitalization, and spelling. correct usage, correct usage, correct usage, and spelling.
and spelling. punctuation, punctuation, punctuation,
capitalization, capitalization, capitalization,
and spelling. and spelling. and spelling.

Comments:
Total: 23/25

Click on the link below for audio feedback:

http://talkandcomment.com/p/025f8ae46f62854ec2ed7746 (voice note)