The Naked truth: An Ancient Olympic 'mockumentary' by Sid

River
Background Hey, I just fancied writing an ANOTHER Ancient Greek Epic! (See
'Heaven, Earth and a horse of wood' for more Ancient Greek epicness)
This is a short skit with an end section which you can develop in a
number of ways. The first part is a mockumentary that investigates why
the athletes in the Ancient Olympic games all performed naked and
includes a scene where Zeus reveals this embarrassing fact to the
athletes who have petitioned him for a national sporting event.

EXCITING MOVIE MAKING OPPORTUNITY!!

The last part is a narrative that takes place over some slapstick action
about the games. This can either be done live on the stage, or, for much
better results, over a video of kids acting out all the slapstick. This
allows you to speed it up, possibly turn it into a old style sepia movie or a
'Goodies' type extravaganza, and put on a music soundtrack. I tried this
latter and it was a resounding success but you could just as easily do it
with live action on the stage.
Parts Description
Wendle & Two very cheesy presenters. Think of Colin Mochrie & Ryan Styles doing
Wilhelmina a news report on 'Whose line is it anyway' for the perfect characters.
(Look them up on you tube!!)
Zeus King of the Gods, with a sense of humour. Booming voice and like to be
higher than everyone else.
Athletes (4) Enthusiastic competitors, until they realise what the 'catch' is.
Excitable As above but incredibly excitable, even until the end.
athlete
Greek Formal and serious as they describe the bizarre action on stage or
Messengers (4) screen. Should dress in sheets with laurel leaves.

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 The Naked truth . . . A mocumentary about the Ancient Olympics

Music plays. Two incredibly cheesy TV presenters carrying microphones

enter and sit on stools.
Wendle: Good afternoon and welcome, I'm Wendle Hingepepper . . .
Wilhelmina: . . . And I'm Wilhelmina Appleblaster!
Wendle: And we're here to welcome you to a very special addition of the cutting
edge documentary series 'The Naked Truth!'
Wilhelmina: Yes indeedy Wendle my friend, for this time we really are talking about
'naked', and 'the Truth'
Wendle: (mockingly) Brrr, I'm starting to feel chilly just thinking about it!
Wilhelmina: Well fear not, old chap. If you're feeling a little parky, you can just pop
inside and fling a fleece-lined shell suit over your speedos.
Wendle: Yes, you are so right. But there was once a time in history when thermal
long Johns weren't remotely an option.
Wilhelmina: And when was that Wendle?
Wendle: Why, it was way, way back at the time of the Ancient Greeks.
Wilhelmina: Ah yes, the Ancient Greeks. One of the most important civilizations in
the History of our planet.
Wendle: (dramatically) A great civilization that gave the world democracy,
politics, theatre, poetry, mathematics . . .
Wilhelmina: . . . and nudey chariot racing! (both snigger)
Wendle: And not just nudey chariot racing, but the whole idea of the Olympic
games.
Wilhelmina: Yes, the great games of Olympia were started to honour the King of the
Gods, Zeus, who, it was said, decreed that all fighting amongst
neighbouring states should cease and that athletes from each state
should compete in trials against each other . . . in the buff!
Wendle: (giving audience a knowing wink) I think I'd have like to have been a fly
on the wall when that little beauty was announced.
Wilhelmina: Yes just think . . . (both adopt thinking poses and freeze)
Music plays. Scene changes. Zeus is on his throne. Several athletes are
gathered nearby.
Zeus: (Booming, formal voice) Now, gather round lowly mortals, gather round

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 and listen. I have been pondering upon your idea for a national sporting
event and I think that 'The Great Games of Olympia Festival' is
fandabidozi idea.
Athlete 1: An excellent idea! Oh mighty Zeus!
All athletes: (thrusting fists into the air and speaking theatrically) Hurrah!
Zeus: (standing up and adopting a speech making pose) There will be glorious
chariot racing and wrestling!
Athlete 2: Chariot racing and wrestling!
All athletes: Hurrah!
Excitable (very excitable) Yes! Yes! Hurrah for Zeus! Hurrah for Zeus! (others
athlete: look on a bit bemused by level of excitement )
Zeus: Races of strength and stamina where only the very fittest will be
victorious!
Athlete 3: Only the fittest will be victorious!
All athletes: Hurrah!
Ex. athlete: Only the fittest! Bring it on! Bring it on!
Zeus: Laurel leaves will be awarded to the champions!
Athlete 4: Laurel leaves for the champions!
All athletes: Hurrah!
Ex. athlete: (sings and dances) Laurel leaves . . . laurel leaves! Go girl, it's your
birthday, Oh Yeah!
Zeus: And everyone will compete completely naked!
Athlete 1: Everybody naked!
Ex. athlete: Naked as the day we were born! Oh yes!
All athletes: Hurr . . . (all freeze, mid cheer and suddenly turn to stare at Zeus in
unison) WHAT?
They all look shocked. Ex athlete starts giggling.
Athlete 2: Erm . . . sorry Your High and Mightiness, what was that again?
Zeus: (sounding impatient) Glorious chariot racing, strength and stamina,
laurel leaves etcetera etcetera
Athlete 3: Erm no, yes, lovely. But . . . erm . . . that 'other' thing. At the end?

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 Zeus: What other thing?
Athlete 4: The . . . erm . . . 'etcetera etcetera'.
Zeus: Oh that. You mean the nakedness.
Athlete 4: Yes . . . erm that. . . the . . . erm . . . nakedness.
Zeus: (towering up as tall as possible) Look pathetic Earthling. Greece is a hot
country, you won't catch cold running around in your birthday suit.
Besides, its going to be pretty boring most of the time for us Gods,
sitting around waiting for the next event. We could do with a bit of a
laugh.
Athlete 1: But . . . but . . .
Zeus: (Angry) No buts! This is the word of Zeus. (aside) And what Zeus wants,
he usually gets (winks at audience then turns back to athletes) Begone
bedraggled humans and prepare for the games!
All shuffle off muttering, except excitable athlete.
Ex. athlete: Oh well, I'm up for it, even if you lot aren't. (skips off happily)
When they leave, Zeus laughs/sniggers to himself and walks forward to
address audience.
Zeus: HA HA HA! I can't believe they actually fell for that one! ( exits
laughing)
Wendle and Wilhelmina re-enter
Wendle: So there you have it. The Games of the Ancient Olympia were born and
despite a bit of initial embarrassment, a great legacy of sporting
tradition was started.
Wilhelmina: The great games festival became so important that fighting between
city states was suspended for it to take place, and market stalls selling
small souvenir javelins popped up on every corner.
Wendle: People gathered from miles around to watch the ferocious competition
in which only the winners were rewarded. There was no prize for coming
second. And definitely no Bronze medal!
Wilhelmina: So it's about time we took a closer look at some of the events.
Wendle: But not too close eh. Remember . . . ( makes gesture of covering up
nudity).

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 Wilhelmina: Yes of course. But due to the censorship laws and the sensitive nature
of some of our viewers (looks at the audience), the athletes in all the
following clips have had tunics airbrushed in using advanced computer
graphics. So all of our blushes will be saved!
Wendle: Excellent! Roll VT!
Darkness. Four narrators in Greek tunics enter. They march in to
fanfare looking very official and line up on the stage. Zeus stands to the
side.
All All Hail Zeus, Most mighty of the Gods, Most honorable founder of the
messengers: great games and inventor of boxing in the buff!
They unroll scrolls and take turns to commentate on a film/stage action.
Greek Combat sports. Each city state would choose only its finest warriors to
Messenger 1: take part in the hand to hand fighting and wrestling events of the
games. (Warriors enter looking tough and posing) Competitors would try
to intimidate their opponents in any way possible to gain an advantage.
(Hakka performed, opponent's knees trembling, runs away ) When the
fighting began, all the skills and guile of the battle field would be put to
good use. (Two opponents square off. One performs a fancy display of
karate, the other looks unimpressed and stands with arms folded)
Often, it was an unexpected move or cunning technique that would win
the contest. (The one not performing karate shakes head and runs off
stage. The other stands confused. The other athlete then runs on with
an inflatable banana and hits the karate warrior on the head. He is
KO'd) The winners could be assured a place in Ancient Greek folklore
whilst the losers would be left to muck out the stables. (Winning
athlete showing off in bad taste as one shovels up dung into a bucket)

Greek Throwing events. Events such as throwing the javelin were also taken
Messenger 2: straight from the battle field and featured highly trained soldiers.
(soldiers enter with javelins performing first military moves, then
ridiculous music hall dance/baton twirling routine) The javelins used
were the ones used to kill the enemy on the battle field so great care
had to be taken. (soldiers jabs judge's backside with javelin. Judge runs
away in pain) Sadly for those who had to judge the contest, some of the
competitors were very good indeed. (judge with measuring tape is
skewered by a javelin) Another throwing event was the discus – an event
that is still carried out today (athletes throwing discus badly and

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 erratically) The origins of discus throwing are unclear but historians
now believe that it evolved from the traditional Greek wedding where
people would throw their best china around in celebration. (masked
athlete runs on and steals plates from a dining table where a family are
eating/having a party. The dinner guests chase after him in Benny Hill
Style) It was the introduction of this event that led to the great Greek
dinner plate shortage of 305BC (Athlete begging whilst holding sign
saying 'Brother can you spare a saucer')
Greek Running events. The Ancient Greek prided themselves on being great
Messenger 3: runners. (Athletes run past in a ridiculous fashion) This was mostly
brought about by the distinct lack of a reliable local bus service.
(Several bored looking athletes wait at a bus stop as a trike/scooter
rolls past) One of the most famous runners was an Athenian called Phil
Dippyknees who was required to run 150 miles from Marathon to Sparta
in order to ask for help in a battle against the Persians (Phil runs in
riduculous style past a sign marked 'Sparta this way' and the bus stop
gracefully) Then, he had to run all the way back to Marathon to deliver
the news that the Spartans were unable to attend the battle due to a
double booking with a religious holiday (He runs the return journey past
a sign saying 'Marathon this way' looking very tired) After the
Athenians defeated the Persians on their own, poor old Phil was required
to run back again to Athens to report on their victory. (Phil runs past a
sign saying 'Athens this way – I think' on knees looking exhausted)
When he eventually got there, the poor man was so exhausted that he
dropped dead just as he delivered his message. (Phil keels over with legs
in the air. All around him mourn and he is carried off) His epic feat was
such that they even named an Olympic race after him, before replacing
him with a messenger pigeon called Archie. (Picture of pigeon in racing
vest)

Greek Chariot racing. Perhaps the most dramatic finale to the Great games
Messenger 4: would have been the chariot racing where fearless warriors would enter
the arena to lead teams of marauding stallions around a track at
breakneck speed. (Drivers enter and flick the reins of unseen horses)
And if there were no horses available, a few well chosen captured slaves
would do the trick. (Race begins with slaves leading the charioteers. All
pull ridiculous faces) Either way, for a few sugar lumps or a bowl of
gruel, the spectators would be treated to a dramatic display of formula
one go-kart racing. (The race begins. Lots of pushing, shoving and

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 agitated faces, close-ups) The thrills and spills of the race could easily
mean danger and death for the competitors as their souped-up shopping
trolleys sometimes careered out of control. (Horses split apart, driver
rides into the camera in slow motion. After a crash, a solitary wheel
rolls across the track) In the end, only the winners were rewarded with
the presentation of a laurel wreath and the promise of many chat show
and charity ball appearances. (Competitors skip off into the distance
after being presented with laurel leaves or plant pots)
All (Walking towards the front) The . . . there . . . the . . . there . . . that's
messengers: all folks!

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