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The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper

issue 1044 THURSDAY 14 NOVEMBER 2002 free

IT’S TIME FOR PUDSEY More worries for students as two more incidents occur within hours of each other
As part of
Children in
Need, UniS
are goins to
sell some
When will the attacks stop?
cakes. Ahh, By Sarah Butterworth
bless... | page
12 OVER THE LAST week there have been
more incidents of violence on and around
the University campus. Once again the
MONEY, A3 underpass has reared its ugly head: at
PLEASE... around 2.30pm on Thursday 7th November
missing a female student was approached by a man
Another chance
-50-000 as she walked back from Tesco’s through
to catch the the short underpass just before campus.
poster with Payin
of £1 a tuition
The man, who was walking in the opposite
some details
0,500 fee
increa a

direction made a grab at her, or her bag, but

se the year will
e to £5 cost of yo
0,000 ur
.prot .

regarding the

she managed to run off unharmed and raise

You’realready broke .
you deepe ! This will
r into hards plunge
hip. Don’t
accept it.

National Demo Take acti

and shou
on. Rea
the alarm. The assailant was described as a
white male of stocky build, 40-50 years of
t out at

in December |
er 4, 200
Malet 2
For info

age and about 5’ 8” to 5’ 9” tall, wearing a


page 23
have a

bomber jacket, faded jeans and of an overall

scruffy appearance. At the time of going to
IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER press a man was being held in custody in
connection with the attack. Over the next
two weeks, the local Community Police
UniS won’t listen to us Officer, PC John Carver will be in the
An article in the Guildford Times highlights vicinity of the underpasses from 7am each
the frustration felt by locals regarding the morning handing out leaflets and talking to Above: the main underpass between campus and Tesco’s. It has long been the focal point of safety issues
Manor Park development News | page 3 those who use the underpasses.
and many have concerns walking through the passageway, which is unlit at either end. Photo: Chris Hunter

In the early hours of the same day, an

Will there ever be peace in NI? incident in a Cathedral Court house was to break through a bedroom window using was punched whilst eating his dinner in the
Paul Canning outlines a brief history of the reported to security. After a Wednesday a dustbin. local Burger King fast food restaurant. Toni
Northern Island problem and asks whether night out at the Union, a crowd of students Speaking earlier this week, UniS security Borneo, the Vice President Education &
peace is possible Comment | page 7 were involved in a dispute with some non- adviser Barry Jakeman said he was Welfare officer of the Students’ Union, said:
students inside a court bedroom. After they convinced even more incidents had occurred “Safety around campus, and especially off
barearts plays with wizards began to create a major disturbance for in the past week and urged students with any campus, is a concern for us at the moment.
There is no point trying to avoid it: Harry those living in the house, security arrived information to visit the security office on Even if someone gets caught, there is always
Potter is here. We thought we best review and attempted to remove the group of campus. another attacker ready to harm someone and
it. barearts | page 10 students, none of whom were residents, These attacks follow on from the racist we won’t stop, therefore, until the local
from the house. Despite their efforts, the assault barefacts reported on last week, in council creates a greater provision for safe
One helluva solo performance group returned after a while and attempted which a second year Turkish-Kurd student journeys in general.”
barearts goes to the theatre to watch Tom
Conti in a two-hour sort-of one man show
at the Yvonne Arnaud barearts | page 13
ITM Communications placed into administration
25 ways to fail your exams
A light-hearted look at some of the many Company responsible for and the NUS website facing financial difficulties
ways you can ruin your chances of passing
By Richard Watts NUS struck a deal with ITM three years
an exam Lifestyle | page 22
ago, allowing the latter to gather informa-
THE COMPANY RESPONSIBLE for the tion from students registering at the NUS’
You Breacon?
website of the Students’ Union has been website. NUS said: “We realise that the
The mountain walking society go for a placed into adminstration, causing concern ITM deal has not been without its critics
walk up a mountain and write about it. that the may not have a and, while the situation we find ourselves
Picture included. Sport | page24 home for much longer. ITM Communica- in is very difficult, we believe it does give
tions Ltd., who were in partnership with the us an opportunity to secure an effective out-
National Union of Students, announced it come for NUS and Students’ Unions for the
was facing financial difficulties last week future.”
and have left the NUS in a tricky situation. USSU is not sure yet how the change might
A release from the NUS states they are “in affect the services provided by the website.
Photo: Chris Hunter negotiations with with the administrator and
Above: a student logging on to the website of the Stu- other interested parties to secure a seamless INSIDE
dents’ Union. USSU entered into a contract with ITM solution” and that “the first thing important
three years ago and has been experiencing problems
ever since, especially when trying to recruit students to thing to note is that ITM are continuing barefacts believes that the ITM contract
become members of the National Union of Students’ to operate all Students’ Union websites,” has been more trouble than it is worth and is
website. though this is only “for the time being.” relieved that they are finally gone | p.4
2 NEWS 14 November 2002

“Progression Days” Encourage Application To HE Students enjoying the “progression days”

as put on by UniS. See article left.

By Richard Watts such as this are essential to widening

participation in Higher Education. There are
Four Higher Education Institutes in Surrey many perfectly capable young people who
are currently working in partnership to are missing out on HE because they don’t
encourage local sixth formers to apply know enough about it. These progression
to university by holding a series of days are all about showing the opportunities
“Progression Days” at their respective that are on offer, the realities of university
campuses. The days, organised as part of the life, and the support that is available to
Government’s new initiative, “Partnerships students.”
for Progression” (P4P) - a joint funding “It’s been an interesting day,” said one
initiative between the Higher Education student of the day, which is being heralded
Funding Council for England (HEFCE) and as a success; “I gained information on
the Learning and Skills Council (LSC) that important issues I never really considered
aims to raise achievements, aspirations and before. A lot of my questions have been
motivation among students from the age answered and talking to the students
of thirteen - see the sixth formers attend has helped me understand student life at
interactive sessions on University Study university.” Another said, “I feel a lot more
Skills, Finance and Managing Money, confident about applying to uni!” Pupils
Interview Skills and Student Support and from Woking College, Bishop Reindorp
Services. The sixth formers are also shown School and Kings College of Arts and
around the host campus and ask questions Technology attended the day. Pupils from
about student life to current undergraduate
many other schools and colleges will be
attending days at the other partner HE University mergers update
The second of these days was held at the institutions. The first Progression day
University of Surrey (UniS) last week, was held at Royal Holloway, University Wales, Bradford and some cultural differences
with workshops from Royal Holloway of London on Thursday 10th October, and
University of London, University of Surrey the third day is being held at University By Sarah Butterworth so much on the merger that objectives
Roehampton and the Surrey Institute of Art of Surrey, Roehampton, on Monday 11th are lost sight of.” There is concern that a
and Design. UniS’ Widening Participation November. LAST WEEK WALES became a step disproportionate amount of time and effort
Officer, Tristan O’Dwyer, said: “Activities nearer to creating a single federal “super is being spent on the changes within the
university”. The Higher Education Funding organisations, so that the people within the

Cathy - where are you? Council for Wales has earmarked £3 million
for “reconfiguration” in the University
institutions are being neglected. There is a
chance that the students will be perceived
sector, and institutions have been invited to as insignificant within the newly formed
About two weeks ago a student on campus received a call from a girl, it is thought a make bids for a share of this. The proposals super-universities. Thomas says that “there
student, called Cathy (or maybe Kathy) who said she had found a rucksack belonging to submitted by Universities follow the move are different cultures operating even within
him. The rucksack was found at Wisley Service station on the A3. Cathy said she would to offer full University of Wales membership one institution and two may be diametrically
deliver it to the owner who lived in University Court. Unfortunately she has not done this to all higher education establishments in opposed.” Facing similar considerations is
yet and the owner would like it back. Wales. The principal of the University of the proposed new University in Bradford,
Cathy, if you still have the rucksack please can you return it to the owner or contact Wales Institute Cardiff, Tony Chapman, formed from the University of Bradford
Richard Paxton ( in the Accommodation Office who will be believes that the changes are a sign of and Bradford College. The vice Chancellor
pleased to pass it on. growing support for the idea of a single of Bradford University, Chris Taylor
federal University of Wales. He stated that, said the merger was designed to achieve
“people are more wedded to the idea of a growth in student numbers and break down
Advertising feature one-nation, one-university model.” barriers separating college and university
Funding councils believe the partnership students. There are worries that the merged
plans submitted last week will unite the institutions will be less able to attract
sector and build up the research facilities and top quality research staff, but it has been
provisions within the partner institutions. stressed that the University is reviewing its
Proposed mergers include Cardiff University research strategy.
joining University of Wales College of The only institution still outside the
Medicine and Bangor University combining proposed federal University of Wales is the
with the North East Wales Institute of University of Glamorgan. The deputy vice
Higher Education, in addition to several chancellor, Les Hobson, said the matter

Did you collect your mug at the associations between other educational
bodies. Counteracting any claims of the
had not yet been discussed by the board
of governors, and believed that “there are
mergers existing purely for financial gain, still many factors that may influence our
Careers Fair? the council’s head of higher education said:
“It’s a complex matrix of relationships that
decision.” Concern amongst lecturing union
leaders who believed their members had
is being proposed. It’s not just a question of not been consulted before the proposals
saving money; it’s also what could be done were put forward was expressed to the
If not, claim yours on better by working together.” Welsh Assembly’s Education minister,
Despite this, Management consultant Jane Davidson. Many believe that the full
Paul Thomas reported that Universities implications of such mergers have not been
Thursday 12th December 2002 considering mergers are “being driven
by commercial pressure while neglecting
properly considered and that consultation
with those it will directly affect is vital in
2-4pm cultural factors” as well as “concentrating making such a crucial decision.

Lakeside Restaurant Hairy pouting hits the ITC

FREE COFFEE AND FREE SURREY ALUMNI SOCIETY MUGS! By Philip Howard ban beards, and this has apparently offended
some of the hairier members of society. The
THE ITC HAS apparently received around 25 ITC’s opinion? “The ITC said the content of
complaints regarding an advert from Orange, the advertisement was too far fetched to be
Guest celebrity pertaining to it being ‘beardist’. The advert taken seriously and unlikely to cause deep or
Vice-Chancellor, Professor Patrick Dowling runs as the wishes of a girl, one of which is to widespread offence.”
14 Novermber 2002 NEWS 3

SeMS within new guidelines

Management school unaffected by QAA restrictions
ACCORDING TO THE Times Higher By Philip Howard
Education Supplement, the Quality
Assurance Agencies’ new guidelines restrict She also intimated that the two years was a
entry onto MBA courses to those with at minimum, “with the typical entrant having
least 2 years experience. The benchmark sets substantially more than this”. Whilst Ms
the ‘standards of business and management Cox declined to say how many of the 117
qualifications at masters level’, and these business schools were not up to scratch,
courses, such as the MBA offered by our the Association of MBAs (Amba) said the
own Europena School of Managemnet numbers of the 10,000 MBAs awarded
(SeMS) may be be critised or even shut could be surprisingly large. Amba accredited
down by the QAA on these grounds. providers account for 56% of those awarded,
The Association of Business Schools was from 36 of the schools – SeMS is not one of
consulted by the QAA, and their chairman, them.
Sarah Cox, had this to say: “The MBA is SeMS has no strict requirements on may be admitted through the SeMS Open for Amba accreditation”. The Guardian,
much more a post-experience qualification” the experience of applicants, but instead Access route”, so remaining unaffected by however, in its last league table of Business
and that students “need to understand the explains that the programme is “designed for the new guidelines and not within the sights Schools rated SeMS 8th, suggesting that it
context as well as the content”. These individuals with a first degree or equivalent of the QAA. is not in this category – Cardiff Business
experience requirements were cause for and a minimum of three years professional The Amba education services manager, Pter School, in contrast, openly accepts recent
length debate at the ABS, with the sentiment work experience. Non-graduates with at Calladine, said “one can safely conclude that graduates, and has since said “that it would
that the MBA should “build” on experience. least six years professional work experience many of the non-accredited schools must be look into the matter as part of its appraisal
poorly resourced operations with quality of all schemes in business administration”,
standards significantly below those required says the THES.

UniS accused of “not listening”

By Sarah Butterworth


�������������������������������������������������������������� week spoken out against the University
of Surrey and its plans to build a second
����������������� campus on the Manor Farm site. Despite
claims from the university that residents
will be made a cul de sac, meaning residents
will have to use the campus to access their
have been widely consulted about the houses. There are also fears over parking

���������������� proposals for the £300 million project, locals

are taking a very different stance, arguing
that the consultation has been “minimal”
and the traffic problems that will be caused
by around 3,500 more students studying at
the University by the year 2020. UniS chief

and that they feel their views have fallen planning officer Malcolm Parry said that
on deaf ears. Planners from UniS claimed the university would be happy to listen to
that they have taken every opportunity to residents’ specific concerns
organise meetings to listen to residents and and to organise more meetings if required.
������������������������� their worries about the expansion plans. They also made it clear that the issue
������������������������� Speaking on behalf of the Beechcroft Drive of access to Beechcroft Road is the
���������������������������������������� Residents Association, Mo Usher said: “We responsibility of the Highways Agency,
��������������������������� reacted in total disbelief when the univeristy who at present consider it a “dangerous
������������������������� said it had consulted widely. We have had junction.”
������������������������������������ minimal consultation and we had to virtually UniS will be applying to the council
beg them to hold a meeting with us.” regarding planning permission for the new
The main concern is that Beechcroft Drive campus early in the new year.
Surrey ahead of the game again
��������������� By Philip Howard overdraft, rather than one they have studied
����������������������� three years to pursue.
������������������������������������������������ ON TUESDAY THE NUS issued a press barefacts would go further, pointing out
���������������������������� release warning that “Rising unemployment that the students at Surrey are less likely to
������������������������������������������������� and high debt levels will hamper graduate be forced down this path due to placements
career choice”. The warning comes furnishing students with both experience
����������������������������������������������������� as parents push for lower tuition fees, and a respite from the increasing debt, if
���������������������������������� suggesting they may be forced to give their not a chance to begin saving money to pay
children less financial aid in the future, it off. “NUS is obviously concerned about a
����� further exacerbating the problem highlighted
by the NUS. The pressures are perceived to
rise in unemployment figures especially as
graduates find themselves in such a perilous

��������� �������� significantly lower the threshold job quality

level that students are willing to take in order
financial situation” explains Ms Telford,
heading the continuing campaign for the
������ to alleviate the financial burden. According return of grants, retention of inflation rate
��������� ����������������������
to Mandy Telford (NUS President) “many
recent graduates will be forced to seek any
interest on loans and abolition of tuition
�������������������������������� ����������������
job that pays the bills and the interest on the
4 COMMENT 14 Novermber 2002



It couldn’t have happened to a nicer

group of people
The news that ITM had gone into admin- a number of registrations with the NUS’
istration was met with mixed feelings. On website each year in order to receive con-
the one hand, there was the possibility tracted payments from ITM. This presented
that money the Union was owed by them many Unions with massive difficulties and
would never surface and that the current resulted in thousands of pounds being with- website may no longer me sup- eld from Unions until they reached their
ported by their company. required quota. The debacle that is the new
On the other hand, however, was intense discount card is also attributable to ITM and
gratification that a group of arrogant people the strains placed on sabbaticals due to this
A distinct lack of correct barefacts last week greeted by frustrated students.
who had exploited an agreement made on agreement were greeted with “well, a con-
behalf of the majority of Students’ Unions tract is a contract” replies from members of
across the country by NUS would no longer the NUS national executive.
be able to phone up and place demands on
sabbatical officers who had plenty of other
In short, barefacts, on behalf of the Union, is
glad to see the back of ITM and hopes they
Dispelling the myths about the
misunderstood ‘arts student’
things to be doing with their time. never recover such that they can expoit an-
The nature of the agreement with ITM other agreement they might make with other
meant that each Union had to guarantee representative organisations.
IN MY HANDS I am holding picture. That’s pushing 35
A big week for the student media one of those tiny novelty
books entitled ‘A Student’s
hours each week, before
you’ve even considered
Little Instruction Book’, sitting down in front of a
This week sees two award ceremonies for student media across the country. Tonight (Thurs- which provides comic relief computer to write that essay,
day) sees the Student Radio Awards for which GU2 are nominated in the Best Student Radio for students in the form of venturing into the library or
Station category and the Best Fact-Based Reporting category - a considerable achievement short anecdotes and jokes. sitting in a practice room for
as this was a result of the first year of full-time broacasting. Though it would be an upset if Whilst flicking through it a hours trying to finish that
GU2 were to win either of these awards, the fact that they have been nominated is in itself a few specific ones caught my SARAH BUTTERWORTH composition that’s due in
prize for the effort and dedication of the team. eye, namely those involving tomorrow. Beginning to see
barefacts is up for the Best Campaign award at the National Media Awards to be held on the misunderstood ‘arts that we don’t spend all day
Saturday. This again is fantastic recognition for a paper that has soldiered on, year after year, student’, such as: “An arts That the older suspect staring out of the window?
to deliver something worthy of a quick flick-through during a boring lecture or as suitable degree is like a bad bra – it converted to Islam has The jokes that are almost
fodder whilst eating your dinner in a mucky KUB. It’s quite a feat we pull off each week to leaves you well rounded but become a prominent as common as the ‘you do
get a paper to you, so, though realistically there is not much chance of us winning, itwould be not pointing in any particular no work’ ones are comments
talking point
nice to have a shiney trophy to look at every time the clock ticks past 4am on a Wednesday direction” and, “Arts students akin to ‘you’re never going
morning. Have a look in next week’s paper to see how GU2 and barefacts got on. don’t stare out of the window to get a job with a music
in the morning so that they have something degree!’ Consider this – where would we
to do in the afternoon.” be without our music teachers, musicians,

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK I am proud to admit that I belong to that composers, orchestra managers, researchers,
misinterpreted minority of arts students at producers, sound engineers… the list goes
Surrey - I have spent several years coming on. Granted, you do not have to have a
up with replies to ‘witty’ comments such music degree or suchlike to make it in the
as “don’t musos only have three lectures a music world, but it damn well helps in most
week?” and “I could do your degree in my arts related professions; just as having an
spare time!” Being in the almost unique engineering degree is pretty useful when
position of having studied a physics degree trying to become an engineer.
for a year before changing to music I feel Finally, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve
I can give a pretty well rounded opinion heard people tell me “it’s easy to do a
on the arts/science student debate. The music degree – all you need to do is play
stereotypical view of the ditsy arts student an instrument.” Does being able to integrate
staring blankly into the distance as she tries by parts automatically mean you can
to find their way to the lecture theatres for sail through a maths degree? I think not.
her only lecture of the week is about to be Studying subjects such as music or dance
challenged… is about so much more than just being able
Starting with the most common jibe – “I to play, sing, or dance. It is totally wrong
have 22 hours of lectures a week, you only and uneducated to dismiss an arts degree
have 5, call that a degree?!” I will freely as being easier than a science based subject
admit that I do have anything from around – the two cannot be compared, and are not in
4 to 8 hours of lectures in a week, but competition with each other. Neither one is
unlike most courses where work within the better than the other. What matters is that we
department ends there, for the music student are here at University studying subjects we
that is only the tip of the iceberg. Add to enjoy, and no one has the right to look down
those lectures a couple of hours of practice on anyone else because of their degree title.
every day, individual lessons, recording So next time you consider scoffing at
sessions, around 10 hours of rehearsals each someone on one of the less scientific degree
week and several concerts a term (taking up courses here at our University, think twice
anything from a few hours to a whole day – would you really like to be rehearsing
each), then you paint an altogether different four nights a week until 10pm?!
14 Novermber 2002 COMMENT 5

Controversy, conspiracy and toppled pedestals

John Slater has a dig at superficiality - he’s just so excited by it all he can hardly keep it in!
THE DAILY REVELATIONS just keep don’t care if the Spencers tabloids, we are a few steps in the most frivolous and pointless area
coming! I can barely keep up with this swapped the flag on JOHN SLATER closer to war, with a new of society you can, get there by any unfair
fascinating array of facts being produced Diana’s coffin. I don’t care UN resolution agreed upon means you can, and at the drop of the hat
by the most reputable paper in the country, if the Queen believes there I was bored with the and about to be accepted by run to the media and sell your story. The
read by Her Majesty herself! I can barely are Unknown Dark Forces Diana story while she Iraq. It crucially doesn’t say trend has shown itself already – the 50s and
read said news source for the shaking of at work. If the Queen reads anything preventing the US 60s children that spent their teenage years
my hands, eager to know the new details the aforementioned waste
was still alive - after the (and of course it’s bulldog) buying records has grown up, and now the
of the Princess, the Queen and the warring of tree pulp she should fifth story, I was bored taking unilateral action ‘charts’ are dictated by the buying tastes
families! It’s just so exciting! excommunicate herself for with her death as well against Iraq at the smallest of 12 year old girls. The manipulation and
If you read that and didn’t notice that it crimes against humanity hint of a problem. But we exploitation that the media has of public
was written with just about every ounce of and move to a small hut in don’t want to hear about figures is not therefore absent from the
sarcasm I can muster, I worry for your sanity. Orpington. I’m so hopelessly sick of reading that; we want to know about the private public itself, I’m sure a characters from a
It wasn’t all of it, because frankly the whole about ‘Scandal!’ and the suchlike involving details of family relationships between a children’s programme like Bob the Builder
mess is not enough to give me cause to raise the royal family that the only news that few upper class idiots, a pointless monarchy will bring out another pathetic album to
an eyebrow. I was bored with the Diana story would excite me in the slightest would be a and a dead princess. I quite agree, why reduce that age down to 5 or so. This is
when she was still alive. After the fourth or government decision to cut their allowance think about the approaching war when The what we show our children, that the most
fifth story on the News I was bored with her to £25.50 a week and move them into Stag Mirror can entertain you with more of the successful people ascribe to the lowest
death as well. That goes for every single Hill’s duplex rooms. fascinating revelations of Mr Burrell, and common denominator, that readership
‘exposé’ in every paper afterwards, every My rant against superficiality stoppeth itv1&2 can offer you a painfully slow voting (ie profit) wins over truth, that fairytales
documentary that my Daily Mail reading not there. It continues with the Popstars: process and the juicy details of the Popstars’ are a good thing, that ‘superficial’ is the
mother watched subsequently and oddly The Rivals that continues to enrapture rise to ‘fame’. new ‘deep’. Tell me, just what disastrous
enough the ‘revelations’ of a certain butler. I my housemate and my sisters. Something On the other hand, of course, these public percentage of the children in Britain spent
fail to understand even remotely the mindset about a competition between two groups discussions of complete rubbish are vitally their 2 minutes of silence humming S Club
of anyone who sees it as more exciting than determined to sell more overrated singles important. These are the things that the next Juniors while their mother gasped at the
a rather sad state of affairs. Frankly, we need to 8-15 year-old girls just sort of misses my generation of the country is being brought latest revelation of Mr Burrell? I wonder
to be shot of the royals before their boring interest. In case anyone missed it beneath up with. The lesson we are teaching our 8 whether we’ll be worth remembering when
lives take up a single more column inch. I the pile of manure that has fertilised the year olds is that you should pick a career it’s our epitaph they’re reading.

Oxbridge can afford to charge top-up fees

I THINK THE subject of top-up anywhere else? The basic fact that
fees has been harped-on about long an alumni of Oxbridge receives a
enough now for most people to be automatic Masters qualification
justifiably sick of it. We here at three years after graduation is the
barefacts have run with the story at first point. Finals really are finals,
least three times (our own sort of as well, at Oxbridge, so in the truest
silly season, if you like) and national sense of academia, neglecting all of
newspapers have been putting in their this modularisation business refelcts
tuppence-worth in at every available RICHARD WATTS well on any student studying for such
point. Of course, the figures have important exams.
all been blown considerably out of And then we come to the alumni
“‘But you get a free camera’
proportion and tales of £15,000 in of these ‘great’ institutions - a quick
they cry - neglecting to men-
Do you want there to be somebody who reality mean course fees of around
tion you are also walloped
who’s who of the current political
will always listen? £3,500 or so. scene soon reveals a trend: Tony
with massive debt”
Taking the fairly unpopular stance, I Blair studied at St John’s College,
have never really agreed that students Oxford; Charles Clarke, the new
Do you want to help others? should not pay for higher education; quite clever, and probably much Education Secretary, studied at
I consider it a privilege to study more academically capable than I Kings College, Cambridge; Michael
Do you want to get accreditation for doing at university and be afforded the could ever hope to be. To a certain Portillo again at Cambridge. This
something worthwile through the DAVE opportunities many others are not extent, my assumption can be held to sort of dream line-up is repeated
lucky enough to receive. I have also be correct because, as the statistics everywhere: in finance, many of
project? never really agreed that a degree from show, a student of Oxbridge more the Chief Executives are Oxbridge
Oxbridge or one of the Russell (read than likely achieved three A grades at graduates; in literature, some of the
Could you give up a night every now and ‘elite’) universities is worthmore A-level; immediately, therefore, such most critically acclaimed authors
then? than one from the University of universities can consider themselves also hail from Oxford or Cambridge
Surrey, say, or other lesser-known a notch above those that ask for (Will Self and Zadie Smith to name
institutions. A degree is a degree and lower entrey requirements, say the B but two); national sports teams
Nightline offers information and a all that, and it shows you are capable and two C’s generally accepted for a often field individuals who havre
listening service as well as a drop in of learning to a certain level. End of course at Surrey. represented the ‘true blue’ of one or
center to this uni during the times where this supposed story. Further to this, though, is the fact that other of these great places...the list
everything else is closed. BUT we can only Yet I have been thinking on this I am simply reacting to a reputation really is endless. And so as we are
function with enough volunteers. quite a lot, recently, though, and I am - both Oxford and Cambridge have governed by yet another generation
afraid I have come to the conclusion been around for hundreds of years of Oxbridge alumni, it is no wonder
that my original belief is in fact a and are of course known throughout that the reputations of such places
If you are interested in becoming wrong one. To demonstrate this I the world for academic excellence. are cemented in the minds of people
needed only to look at how I react Any student would have Oxbridge, as the place to be. Cambridge are
a “Nightliner” please e-mail us at when I meet someone who either is and quite possible Warwick now, seeming to do the right thing and are studying or has studied at Oxbridge: as top of the tree for most subjects not considering fees to reflect just
regardless of whether they actually at a degree level. But from where how widely recognised they are; but
are or not, I automatically assumed has this reputation come? Or, more the point is, if they wanted to charge
RELAUNCH: 11TH NOVENMBER 2002 that a student of either Oxford or to the point, why is a degree from a fortune, people would probably
Cambridge university were really Oxbridge actually worth more than pay.
6 14 November 2002

Can people really be arsed with anything anymore?

No doubt you’ve read some of his words before, but Philip Howard wants you to know you can do this too
IT’S A WAR that has been ebbing of medically oriented charities, number of people so much as a bulletin board, no more. It’s the
and flowing since people ceased and no small number of others. know the name of their own MP. same with society as a whole – at
to know little beyond their own I can relate to this phenomenon But there are pockets of interest, the moment people are in general
little village. You see, then we personally, with my abrupt of significant feeling within this apathetic to just about everything,
started to know about things movement from non-participant in vast sea of indifference. Two although with a little effort we can
we couldn’t influence and so the union’s activities to the person that spring to mind are the NUS become so much more. The key to
began the apathy that plagues us writing the article you are reading marches against tuition fees and the caring neighbourhoods of old
today. We live in our own little (and probably a few more in this more locally to me, the London was the way that everyone was
communities still, talk to our own issue as well). It began with the Mayoralty. Why do students involved in everything, and many
friends, and live our own lives bulletin board (still plugging it march against fees, do you think? fingers make light work of pies.
I’m a living example of
oblivious to much of the world – in which I am Because it sounds like a good My suggestion is, then, that you
how you can get involved
but still knowing enough to be now one of the main participants idea? No, it’s because they are involve people. If you are going
- it’s really not that
bored by what we don’t know. under the guise of ‘imagin8or’. I directly affected by each change to spend an evening in watching
difficult, you know...
If I started to talk about split- first joined the board and simply the government makes to its a movie, involve some people. If
cap zeros, Fermats last theorem, discussed what was there to be tuition fees. The marches are you are going out, involve some
nanobiology, quantum physics discussed if I had something to with a rather noisy camera. It was unlikely to make much difference people (as Toni advises, go out in
or even what happened the other say. Slowly it materialised that there I met Toni, VP Education to the government’s policy but groups). But more than cultivating
day in the House of Lords you’d some of the people on the board and Welfare, and was first spotted people are interested simply your current communities and
probably switch off. You know were in the running for sabbatical by some of the bb members. I had through being involved. In the social links, extend your horizons
case of the London Mayor, you’d and become part of more things.

“You are already part

be pushed to find a Londoner Take another look at the list of
who couldn’t name the London societies on the union website,
Mayor as Ken Livingstone, or remember the ones you saw at
even (shock, horror) name some Freshers Fayre? Go back to them,

of the wildlife at Sur- of his policies like congestion

charging. Again this is down to
their involvement – as Londoners,
and get involved. It is ultimately
rewarding to find you are part of
something new, and as my own

rey, so staying in your they identify with their city and

find themselves emotionally,
financially and communally
experience has shown, you can
easily pull deeper in until you are
a part of the union itself. If you

little circle isnʼt go-

linked to London and it’s Mayor. have a penchant for writing (or
So the war we can win, I believe, just have something to say) then
is that of apathy. As 9/11 showed, get involved with barefacts. If

ing to help you.”

the moment that something you like a bit of manual labour
hits close to home we become and love lighting and sound then
emotionally involved, and often get involved with Crew, those
it affects our community as well. wonderful elfin creatures that
enough about these things to positions for this year, and being become involved. Few Americans now are oblivious make the union fabulous every
know they bore you and so you involved with the bulletin board, Now here I am, writing several to terrorism, and similarly few FNO. If you’ve got a mouth on
dismissively turn the page and I became involved with the whole articles a week for the student have no opinions on Bin Laden, you and you can handle a bit of
move on. You have no interest in election by virtue only of knowing newspaper, having previously al-Qaeda, Iraq or Saddam pressure then seek out the GU2
them and, most importantly, no some of the participants. Those given no thought as to how it Hussein. They are involved now. people and get involved with the
involvement. Here, I think, we participants, you’ll be pleased magically appeared in various Of course you can involve people delivery of our fantastic student
have a weapon in this war against to know, were the ones who places around campus on a without horrific tragedies and it is radio station. You are the students,
apathy. made it – in particular Wrighty Thursday morning. But this a skill we need to learn. Are you and this is university. You are
Involvement is the thing that (VP President) and rich_w (VP isn’t really about the newspaper, involved with your union? If you already part of the wildlife here
brings something ‘out there’ Comms & Marketing, and the brilliant as it is, or the bulletin aren’t, why not? You pay money at Surrey, so to stay in your own
in the rest of the world and editor of this fine paper). And board, as much as I might plug it. to the union when you drink there, little circle isn’t going to help you
connects it to your own, makes having not known that the union It is about the apathy that campus and you should be part of some – getting involved with something
it relevant to you and vastly meant anything more than the seems to harbour in a reflection of of the clubs and societies that is rewarding of course, but more
increases its importance. There building on campus where people the country as a whole. Turnout it runs. Once you are in there, than that it’s fun. You get to be
is a phenomenon that many have got legless, I found myself going at elections is ever-falling, fewer talking to the people who are a part of something new and
experienced or at least noticed; to Hustings (the debate between and fewer people can even name already involved, you too become exciting, and it only gets better.
that of the sudden interest in a candidates) – and incidentally central government figures involved by proxy. Remember, Go on, get involved, you, and we
charity generated by misfortune. making a bit of a fool of myself and I’m sure a shockingly low all I did was spend some time on can fight the apathy.
As a famous example we can take
the story of Roy Castle, a man
who became a great champion of
cancer charities and awareness
of lung cancer after he himself
was diagnosed with the disease. It 2002 - 2003
isn’t something I’m looking down
at, merely an observation. Once
editor in chief | richard watts []
something affects you directly, editor | position vacant film editors | stewart fudge []
you take notice of any news about jolyon hunter []
it and you have lost your apathy deputy editor | sarah butterworth []
towards it. Often it is the case for photography editor | chris hunter []
parents whose child has a rare or news editor | philip howard []
little known condition, whereby literature editor | chris ward []
they become involved in a charity music editor | alex read []
or support group about it, or start simon robinson [] sports editor | eddison ruswa []
one where there was none. At a
guess it accounts for the majority theatre editor | rachael bemrose [] lifestyle editor | position under construction...
14 November 2002 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR 7

Will there ever be peace in Ireland?

A COUPLE OF weeks ago, Tony in Ireland, and repressing local George, was a compromise, in the first time ever. The British and
Blair appointed Paul Murphy dissent. Most notably, a large order to protect the protestant Irish governments as well as the
as the New Northern Ireland number of Protestants from majority in the North whom republicans (or Nationalists) and
secretary, the fourth such person the mainland, and in particular Britain had there two hundred the unionists (loyalists) were all
to hold the post since Labour Scottish farmers in the 17th century years ago. It is disagreement about invited. Controversially, groups on
came to power. The task ahead of were settled in the North of whether N. Ireland should be part both sides that had spent decades
him is not an easy one. With the Ireland, which began shaping the of the UK of the republic that is at killing in the name of their cause
Stormont power-sharing executive political divides we see today. the key of today’s problems. The were also at the table, albeit after
suspended, amid allegations that Later, the briefly reining English Irish Free State became a republic an agreement to a ceasefire.
an IRA mole was working within King James II (a catholic) fled to PAUL CANNING in 1949, and in its constitution was The Good Friday agreement
the parliament buildings, gathering Ireland, where he assembled forces a territorial claim to the land in the gave a more balanced power
information that could be used by in an attempt to re-take the throne North, which remained until the sharing government to Ulster
terrorists, it looks like another rut of England. Earlier persecution in Mr Murphy must try and Good Friday agreement of a few that provided the first real chance
on the rocky road to peace. Ireland by Cromwell left James get everyone back round the years ago. for peace in a long time. Its
The history of the troubles in N. with plenty of support. The new table if we are not slip back Greatly outnumbered in N.Ireland, underlying principle is that all
Ireland is a long and convoluted king, William of Orange, pursued to the bad old days the Catholic minority began to feel interested parties must give up
one. For the most part, folk on the James across Ireland, culminating somewhat left out & persecuted violence and work together to find
mainland see news articles about at the battle of the Boyne in by the protestant majority. By peaceful solutions. Ultimately, the
punishment beatings and bomb 1690. Victorious, the British set the 1970’s, these sentiments had future of N. Ireland, as part of the
plots, and wonders how on earth up a parliament in Dublin that but the influential protestant escalated, and rioting, shootings UK or the ROI must and will be
things can get into that sort of was subordinate to London, and minority in Ireland, and the House and bombings began to leave their decided by the people of Ulster,
state. Of course, Guildford itself followed an Orwellian schema of of Lords thwarted efforts. After scar on the province, and later the but old wounds heal slowly. Many
has been touched by the Irish equality, spending the next 100 an abortive rebellion during the mainland. By the mid-1970’s, the are still opposed to the principles
problem, when 5 people were years in this fashion, denying the 1st world war, the British finally N.Ireland parliament collapsed of the Good Friday agreement; the
killed in pub bombings during vote to almost all Catholics. In agreed to partition Ireland in the and direct rule was set up from resentment for years of violence at
1974, carried out by the IRA. the early 19th century, the act of early 1920’s, with parliaments London and the army were on the the hands of ‘the other side’ often
Our whistle stop tour through union made the entire island of in both Belfast and Dublin, and streets. Some slow progress was makes it an all too bitter pill to
the history of Ireland starts after Ireland part of Britain. Some 40 southern Ireland now a free state. made, but the violence and the swallow. Mr Murphy must try and
the reformation, when the English years later, potato famines left a Disagreement about the treaty killing continued, on and off, until get everyone back round the table
crown, fearful that catholic Ireland million dead, and caused a huge partitioning Ireland left the south just a few years ago. The attempts if we are not slip back to the bad
might be used as a launching number to emigrate to America. in a state of civil war for most made during the final few years of old days, and I wish him the best
pad for an enemy attack by the Politically, things were changing, of the decade. The decision to the major administration and the of luck in doing so. I have a feeling
French or the Spanish, began many liberal politicians in London partition the island of Ireland by new labour government brought he may need it…
settlingpeople loyal to crown wanted to see home rule granted, the then Prime Minister Lloyd all sides to the negotiating table for


Letters must be received by 5pm on the Friday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters may
be edited for length or clarity | E-mail:
Dear barefacts,
Dear Editor ,
I’m sure many of your readers will have young and pretty) for this very purpose use the card). To tackle the problem of
noticed the stickers, flyers and posters I have just read your mini-rant about credit and the problem is targets. The bank in increased student debt from credit cards
advertising a night at The Drink that have card companies and their targeting of question told her she had to get X people you have to change the working practices
appeared on campus over the past few students (barefacts issue 1043) and felt I to sign up in that day or she would have to of the banks on a (inter)national level or,
weeks. My friends and I share the view that had to put my 2p worth in. get X again the next day PLUS the shortfall locally, you could just stop them from
this is vandalism- they are defacing campus Back in the dim-and-distant, when I from the previous day, but if she met her coming into the union.
property; the stickers in particular are often started university, Natwest were doing their target it would be raised for the next day. But, back to the point, Please don’t
very hard to remove. best to get me to take a credit card. They (Fortunately she doesn’t have to do this any blame the peons manning the stall for the
It’s bad enough that they invade our were using all the standard tactics (free more) company practices. Banks are big money-
campus and claim that The Drink is “the alarm/radio and assorted other tat) but I was The trouble is the big corporate body grabbing organisations that are only
best student venue in Guildford” (err hello? strong, I politely refused their kind offer behind the scenes are often demanding interested in making money out of you, no
how about a venue run BY students), but and told myself “You can’t be trusted with unreasonable targets of their staff (at matter how generous they seem.
when they put stickers on peoples’ windows one”. all levels) and the staff have to resort to
it just takes the piss. One day I joined the real world and started underhand means to get the numbers to Thanks for letting me vent,
Furthermore, the organiser of the night earning some money and I thought that I balance (e.g. Saying sign up but never NICK ‘OSCAR’ HOLDER
in question appears to be hiring students could do with a credit card, I went to my
to do their “dirty work”- I am appalled local branch and filled out a form and they barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is
that students of this University wilfully refused me one on the grounds that I could published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union Do you have a complaint against
vandalise their own campus in this manner! not be trusted with one. So I argued the
Communications Office. this newspaper?
At the end of the day the mess they leave point with them by pointing out thet when The views expressed within the paper are those of If you have a complaint about any item in this
behind has to be cleaned up- which costs they were trying to force a card on me individual authors and do not necessarily represent the newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment,
money. I certainly don’t want my rent being when I was a student with no income, but views of the Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ intrusion or discrimination write to our editor about
Union or the University of Surrey. it.
used to cover the costs! now I’m earning I can’t have one. Their This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in If you remain dissatisfied please contact the
Let me present you with a simple idea: response? “Well, the computer makes the part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the Press Complaints Commission - an independant
if you go to The Drink then you’ve no decisions. We don’t know how it assesses express permission of the publisher beforehand. organisation established to uphold an editorial Code
idea where the profit goes, if you go to your credit worthiness” All submissions must include the author’s name and of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide
Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of by their decision.
the Union then the profit goes towards Apparently there is an evil computer publication.
supporting students. You want lower beer somewhere trying to get students into debt, Press Complaints Commission
prices in the Union? Support it! I ask all and a credit card charging 17% can do that Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published.
1 Salisbury Square
students to help maintain our lovely, cosy quite easily. London EC4Y 8JB
barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. Telephone: 020 7353 1248
campus and “de-sticker” wherever the The other point I wish to raise at this point
Facsimile: 020 7353 8351
vandals strike next. is about the people on the front line, the
people staffing the stalls. My sister works
Yours sincerely, for one the major banks and she has been Printed by South West Wales Publications
Adelaide Street, Swansea
ADAM COLLARD known to go to universities (her being © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 Tel: 01792 510000
8 UNION 14 November 2002

It is starting to get to crunch point:

the constitution is half-way there...
Following on from the last
two weeks of articles focusing
be a priority this year as the
constitution issue needs to
M oney
on the constitution, Student be settled before knowing
Council preliminarily passed how to hold the elections and
the proposed document what positions are available.
almost unanimously. This At student council some • don’t shop on an empty stomach – that really is fatal!
successful outcome followed questions were raised • eat like a vegetarian – you’ll save money by not buying expensive meats
many late nights and heated regarding parts of the • try to get a cooking syndicate together – by taking it in turns to cook, you’ll save
discussion both within the constitution that people we money and not have to cook nearly as often if you were only cooking for yourself
Union itself and on the
PAUL WRIGHT not happy with, these issues • work in a fast-food eatery or take-away and eat your favourite junk food for free
• avoid snack/chocolate vending machines
bulletin board with former USSU PRESIDENT will addressed after the
students keenly interested in ratification of the constitution • if your milk keeps disappearing from the communal fridges, add a little food
the future of the Union. as one of its benefits is that colouring to it to make it look less appealing to your house‘mates’
From Tuesdays meeting The proposed con- it is easier to change the • develop a love and taste for value/economy baked beans
the next stage of passing stitution was passed constitution after it has been
the constitution is to ratify If you have any “top thrift tips” then make sure you send them into either barefacts or
almost unanimously. passed than prior. Therefore SAIS and we’ll update our list for a future edition of Money Matters.
the vote in an Extraordinary it is in members’ interests to
General Meeting (EGM) to ensure that the constitution is Don’t forget if, despite being thrifty, you run into financial difficulties, the Student Advice
take place on Tuesday 26th passed as soon as possible to & Information Service is here to help you.
November at 1pm. It is an EGM because a give time to come back and mould it to the Student Advice& Information Service (SAIS): Wey Flat 2 | Surrey Court
normal student council would otherwise find membership’s collective viewpoint. t: [68]9261 | e:
itself powerless the instant the constitution A separate issue reported at student
was ratified. As the meeting will be an EGM council was the NUS “Funding The Future”
there needs to be twice the number of people National Demonstration, this will be held Leaving your Property during the Christmas Vacation
than at a normal student council. (Bring a on Wednesday 4th December in Central
Students living off campus in houses should be aware of certain procedures that are necessary
friend!) London. The Union is looking for interested
if the property is left empty during vacations or at other times. The Christmas period is
The only business the EGM will be students to get involved with promoting this
particularly vulnerable as water pipes, tanks etc. may freeze when the weather is very cold.
dealing with will be the ratification of campaign and ensuring that USSU’s turn out
Damage caused as a result of this is normally the responsibility of the tenant – even though
the constitution and the appointment of a is as high as possible on the day. If you are
you may not be in the house at the time. Please read the appropriate section below.
Returning Officer to ensure that the part- interested then email
time officers get elected as soon as possible. for more details.
Houses/Flats with Gas Central Heating:
This year the part-time officer have yet to
The heating system should be left switched on during the Christmas period if you are away.
Set the thermostat at a minimum of 55 degrees Fahrenheit (15 degrees Centigrade) to come

Are you just too cool?by Catherine Lee on from 9pm to 6am. This is the very minimum setting and if the temperature stays at or
below freezing during the day as well, this may not be sufficient. The fuel costs involved
will be considerably less than the potential cost of repair of damage caused by freezing pipes
Right, got your attention. Now here’s the you can’t imagine why anybody would and subsequent flooding.
challenge. Classical music – what’s the deal? actually want to spend an entire evening
If you’re anything like the average student, listening to that sort of thing. Believe it or Before you Leave:
you are probably already pulling some sort not though some people do. I expect most of 1. Ensure all radiators are left on
of tortured face, or about to move onto the you know at least one music student here at 2. Turn off all electric immersion/water heaters
next article - I mean let’s face it: what on Surrey (and yes, that includes tonnies!). No 3. Turn off mains water at stopcock (usually under kitchen sink or in a downstairs toilet)
earth could possibly be interesting about doubt you see them in the union, watching
classical music? It’s the kind of thing your the football, at the gym – just like pretty When you Return:
grandparents or parents listen to – enough much every other student. And yet they also 1. Turn on mains water at stopcock
said. You can’t sing along to it, you can’t listen to classical music. Aren’t you that 2. Wait 30 minutes before switching on water/immersion heaters
dance to it. Quite frankly it’s stuffy, dull and teensy bit curious why? 3. Check for leaks. If you find a leak switch off the mains water at stopcock and contact
dated. Or is it? I could try and explain how enjoyable a your landlord.
See here’s the thing. I’d hazard a guess that classical concert can be (trust me, loud brass
most of you immediately thought of music fanfares and scrummy chords can sometimes Houses/Flats with Electric Storage Heaters:
like Mozart and Beethoven when I first make the hairs on the back of your neck stand Storage heaters should be left switched on at a low setting to prevent freezing and damp. In
mentioned classical music. Scratchy strings, on end) but I feel I’d be wasting precious addition the water system can be emptied to reduce the possibility of burst pipes.
squeaking woodwind – certainly no room in bareFacts space. Which just leaves the plug:
your CD collection for either of them thank University Symphony Orchestra Concert Before you Leave:
you very much. But without even realising on Sunday 17th November in University 1. Turn off all electric immersion/water heaters
it, you probably do listen to classical music Hall at 7.45pm. With tickets a steal at only 2. Turn off mains water at stopcock (usually under kitchen sink or in a downstairs toilet)
almost every day. Adverts, films, chill-out £3, why not shrug off the apathetic student 3. Turn on hot and cold taps to empty the system
compilations – even William Orbit remixes stereotype and give it a chance? You might 4. Turn off taps (to prevent floods when you return)
at the Union. Sure, it’s only in small doses; just be pleasantly surprised.
When you Return:
1. Turn on mains water at stopcock
NOTICES 2. Wait 30 minutes before switching on water/immersion heaters
3. Check for leaks. If you find a leak switch off the mains water at stopcock and contact
Societies Standing 18th November 6pm LT F your landlord.

International Societies Standing 18th November 7pm LT F All Properties:

• Check all doors and windows in the house, garage and any sheds are securely fastened.
Pops Orchestra Soc AGM 20th November 5pm TB6 • If you intend to empty the fridge and turn it off, you must defrost it first and leave the
door open whilst it is switched off. This prevents mould growth.
GU2 EGM 21st November 6.15pm Union Committee Room • Remove rubbish from kitchen and all other bins.
• Let a neighbour know that the house is going to be empty and ask them to keep an eye
Switchgear Online Gaming AGM 22nd November 6.30pm Union Committee Room on it for you.
• Leave lights off and curtains half drawn. A lamp left on a time switch is a good deterrent
Tamil Society AGM 29th November 6pm Union Committee Room to intruders.
14 November 2002 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 9
Eyes down for job applications
Have you ever had a bad You may think that filling
dream where you thought you out application forms is a
were just about to go into an hassle you could do without
exam and you realised you right now. If you’ve got your
hadn’t done any revision? head down and your sights ELIZABETH CASE | GRADUATED 2001
You try to tell yourself it firmly set on getting a good
can’t possibly be true, but degree, then you may decide I studied Applied Psychology and Sociology
it all seems horribly real. that the best way you can at Surrey between 1997 & 2001 and spent by
As the first part of Finals possibly use your time at the placement year in the Training Department
looms for so many of you, DR RUSS CLARK moment is to put the whole of Addenbrooke’s NHS Trust in Cambridge.
So what did a degree in Psychology give
that dream may already application thing on hold until
me that prepared me for working in the
seem familiar! The nice You may think that filling you’re ready to pick it up later.
real world? I think that at Surrey it is more
thing is, of course, you’ve out application forms is a However, with careful
than just the degree that prepares you for
still got a few more weeks to hassle you could do management of your time you
the first steps into the world of work. The
make sure it doesn’t happen. without right now... probably could squeeze a bit friends I made at Surrey are still my friends
That period is critical for extra out of your schedule if now, even though we do not see each other
other reasons. Many of you really wanted to. If you – (thank god for BT Together) they are still
the larger organisations that employ do decide to do that, you can check closing there to offer support and advice when you
graduates set early closing dates for dates in the issues of Future Vacancies which need it. likely to be half as much fun – I was very
receiving applications. Admittedly, some you can see on the Careers Service website My Degree has definitely helped in the area wrong! When I started at Thames Water I
of them say they will always look at good at of work that I have gone into, I have been was placed in Reading and moved in with
people throughout the year anyway, but careers/home.htm. We also keep paper involved in a large amount of survey work a number of other grads on the scheme. It
the fact remains, if you want to work for copies in the Careers Service if you would and the research methods part of the course only took a week or two before nearly all
a major employer your best chance is to prefer, together with other useful information has been invaluable! (I hear many people 30 of my intake were partying together – it
get your form in by their closing date. that could help you with your applications. groan but it really was useful.) was like being a fresher again, but this time
My placement year was also a great help, we were getting paid!!! A year on and I have
at the time I wasn’t exactly impressed with worked in Cardiff for 6 months (Yes Thames
There will be no careers and skills talks this week. it but when I actually evaluated what I had Water has commercial business in Wales,
learnt there were lots positive experiences not to mention the other 46 countries) and
If you would like to register with Careers, please email, or visit in person.
and I am confident that it was the placement am now based back in Reading. I have
Please keep an eye on your University email and for the most up to date information
year that helped me secure my job at Thames delivered training, developed policies, and
Water. I understood the function of HR am now doing a generalist HR role and I
much better and in my interview could draw couldn’t ask for more, they are even paying
on actual experiences rather than theory. I for me to study for my CIPD. The scheme
would therefore recommend a placement to at Thames Water allows me to move around
anyone who has the opportunity; you will be the company every six months for the first
surprised what you can learn in a year! two years and has enabled me to obtain a
So now nearly 18 months after graduation wealth of experience that a normal job could
am I enjoying working? YES! I would not provide.
recommend a graduate scheme to anyone! Therefore if you feel, as I did, that leaving
university is the end of the world, don’t

I thought that after university I would find
a job and be able to stay in one place for worry - the right grad scheme means it’s
a little longer than at uni and it wasn’t only the beginning!

By Sian Mackenzie

this would be minimal. As it turns out the

lacement majority of my role was personal care. I

had never worked in a hospital and therefore
had no experience in this area. Training was
delayed and I was thrown in that the deep
end with difficult challenging behaviour
S EAK patients who I felt ill equipped to deal with.
When this got too much I went to my
manager who did her best to send me on the
appropriate training and check my progress
on a regular basis. However the role did not
Most second years will be applying for or alter so I contacted my placement tutor at the
thinking about placement positions at the University. With her help I looked into other
moment. People are refining their CV’s and placement options and decided to complete
covering letters and trying to meet closing half a paid placement and half unpaid.
deadlines. The last thing on anyone’s mind This meant continuing with my current job
is what happens if you get to work and can’t until November and then working for free
stand the job. I am writing this article to elsewhere. I had previously contacted a
illustrate this scenario and the possible Psychologist back home and they offered me
actions that can be taken to remedy the a position as a Research Assistant starting in
situation. mid November.
I’m currently studying Psychology and Whilst it‘s unusual to do two placements in
started my placement in early June at a one year it’s not impossible. My previous
hospital. I was working in the private sector employer was very good about me leaving.
and therefore got paid, which turned out to There are two other placement students
be a good and a bad thing. This meant that I still working at the hospital so people can
could afford to live, however I was employed have differing experiences within the same
to perform a role with little flexibility in environment. I was lucky to be able to
my duties. When I had my interview my move out of Guildford and take an unpaid
employers stated that personal care for position. I wouldn’t recommend dividing
patients might form a small part of my role, the year but don’t stay in a job which you
but as a psychology student I assumed that don’t enjoy and aren’t gaining from.
coldplay’s new single it was the biggy: tick-
signed copy of the lib- ets to the charity
ertines album dinner dance. only
plain opinion one person could win.
an apology only one person did.


I was lucky enough to see Harry Potter By ‘ickle sarah’s ‘ickle sister rachel comments to Harry during the Defence
and the Chamber of Secrets at a preview Against the Dark Arts lessons are one of the
showing on 10th November, and all I can no longer has the high girly voice which best things of the film.
say is - it’s fantastic!! The story, acting made quite a lot of people dislike her in On to the Quidditch; the match seemed
and special effects have improved since the 1st film, Daniel and Rupert’s voices much shorter and less violent that in the
the Philosopher’s Stone and the film is have broken and all three seemed to have first film (sadly), but just as enjoyable as
generally superior. I found that the basic grown up a lot. This makes them able to the graphics have been improved. The
story of the first film was good and the perform much more realistically and so the match is however quite different to the
director had some good ideas of how to put characters have become more believable. book’s description, but both are exciting
the story onto the screen, however there One character which I could not so I had no complaints. The improved
still seemed to be something missing. It still imagine have been played better was computer graphics make a huge difference;
seemed like a kids’ movie - not that that Gilderoy Lockhart, portrayed by Kenneth the people look real and this makes it
was necessarily a bad thing, but I found it Branagh. Many people had their doubts as much more exciting to watch. I would have
was not as enjoyable as it could have been. to whether Branagh would be able to pull liked to have seen a bit more of Quidditch
The 2nd film however was well rounded this character off well, but if the hysterical though.
and I feel that most people would enjoy audience at the cinema is anything to go The only character in the film whom I
it. Nevertheless, it would definitely help by, he surpassed all expectations. Some of really I did not like was Dobby the House
to read the book first as some parts of the Lockhart’s scenes with Harry are hilarious, Elf. Everyone else seemed to think he was
story move very quickly and you may miss especially in the bookshop in Diagon fantastic, but to me he just seemed like the screen time and he doesn’t seem to have the
a vital detail if you haven’t read the book Alley where Lockhart is advertising his Harry Potter equivalent of Jar-Jar Binks. ability to say ‘I’, (sorry to all Jar-Jar fans
beforehand. new autobiography ‘Magical Me’. Ron’s In other words not funny at all, a waste of out there). The villains overall were very
From interviews that I had seen before good, my favourite being Lucius Malfoy
the film, the actors said that the 2nd film was played by Jason Isaacs (The Patriot);
‘darker’, and they were definitely right. with the long blond hair, height and the
There is no other way to describe it; the penetrating eyes he was exactly as I had
story is gorier, but also more fun to watch. imagined the character. Tom Riddle is also
A couple of my friends didn’t watch the played extremely well by Christian Coulson
whole section with the spiders in it, and (The Forsyte Saga) - I have never been
even I found those scenes made me squirm more spooked by a 16 year old boy.
even though I am not particularly afraid of Overall I would definitely give this
spiders. However, Rupert Grint’s acting in film a big thumbs up…oh, and wait until
these scenes added humour to counteract the end of the credits, there is a funny 20
some of the horror. second clip, (if you can be bothered to wait
All three of the main child actors, all that time). The film goes on general
Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma release around the country on Friday 15th
Watson are now far better actors than they November and is definitely one not to be
were in the Philosopher’s Stone. Hermione missed!


Nicholson. He also directed the sequel,
“Batman Returns” (1992) and many agree
the franchise has gone downhill since that
point. Inbetween the two Batman movies,
going, and this combined with frequent
rewrites and spiralling costs, caused Warner
Brothers to pull the plug on the movie.
His last project was the remake of Sci-Fi

Tim Burton was born in 1958 in Burbank, “The Fox and the Hound” (1981), but Burton directed Johnny Depp and Winona epic “Planet of the Apes” (2001) starring
indepence day

California. At the time this was a soon enough the studio realised that his Ryder in the touching story of an outcast, Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth and Helena
quintessential 1950s suburbia containing talent was being wasted and they made “Edward Scissorhands” (1990). Bonhham-Carter. Now I haven’t seen this
(as it does today) many film and television him a conceptual artist. This also gave After producing the innovative stop- movie yet, but it’s supposed to be pants
studio headquarters. Burton was a shy and him some freedom to work on his own motion animation picture “The Nightmare from what others have said to me. All I
artistic individual as a child, and growing projects - amongst these were a poem Before Christmas” (1993), Burton returned can say is I’ll reserve judgement and wait
pee-wee’s big

up he was never the bookish type, and which would eventually become “The to directing with “Ed Wood” (1994). This til I see it for myself. All I will say is that
didn’t exceed at school. Instead he enjoyed Nightmare Before Christmas” (1993), the film being a biopic of “so bad thhat they’re I can’t see anyone other than Charlton
expressing himself through the mediums live-action “Frankenweenie” (1994), and good” B-Movie director Ed Wood (played Heston hamming up the phrase “It’s a MAD
of painting, drawing and movies. He was the animated short “Vincent” (1982) - One here by Johnny Depp), one of Burton’s own HOUSE! A MAAAAAAAAD house!”. (Well,
particularly fond of the movies, and derived of his favourtie actors was horror legend favourites. being the Chair of the NRA he should know
most enjoyment from monster movies such Vincent Price, and he was narrator on this In 1996, Burton’s “Mars Attacks!” paid right?).
as the original Godzilla movies, the films of feature. Stephen King saw Frankenweenie homage to such B-movies, but ended up Before I get any deeper into *that*, let me
Ray Harryhausen and the classic (British- and recommended it to someone at Warner being released at the same time as anothher dig myself out of trouble by mentioning
made) Hammer horror movies. Brothers - this led to Paul “Peewee” space-invasion flick - the Blockbuster Burton’s next project - entitled “Big Fish”
In 1976, following high school, Burton Reubens wanting Burton to direct his “Independence Day” starring Will Smith - it - photography for which starts in January
attended the California Institute for the alter ego on screen - yup, Tim Burton also may have lost out at the box-office, but for 2003.
Arts (Cal Arts), which had been founded directed “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure” (1985), sheer imagination let alone the all-star cast Most Burton movies have a soundtrack by
by Disney as kind of “feeder” school for and it helped launch his directing career. it is still worth a peek. the equally talented Danny Elfman (most
talented animators. During his second year, Burton hit the big time with the comic For over a year after this, and before probably know him as the guy that devised
he joined the Disney animation program fantasy “Beetlejuice” (1988) starring directing “Sleepy Hollow” (1999), Burton the theme tune for “The SImpsons”) - if
and in 1979 he joined them as an animator. Winona Ryder and Michael Keaton. actually spent his time working on the new you can find their music, check out his band
Burton soon found the rigidity of He would use Keaton again for his Superman movie - however (as mentioned “Oingo Boingo” too.
animating each frame to set specifications next feature, the big-screen adaptation in last week’s Director’s Cut), Burton
too constraining. He even worked on of “Batman” (1989) also starring Jack became unhappy with the way things were words: jolyon hunter
14 Novermber 2002 FILM 11
directed by Robert Harmon
starring Laura Reagan, Marc THEY REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE MADE THIS MOVIE Perhaps it was the acting? Laura Reagan
exudes Hollyoaks-style acting as she
Blucas reacts with predictable wide-eyed, screwy
Reagan (who starred recently in another young girl afraid of the dark going down hair-pulling, big-mouthed screaming to
“This is ridiculous,” states the main male shocker My Little Eye), deals with those into the dark basement to fetch some old monsters you cannot see and the abject
character at a point roughly three-quarters ‘monsters in the dark and under my files; a car breaking down in the middle of horror she must have felt at being made
of the way through the film. To a certain bed’ fears most commonly associated nowhere for no apparent reason; bits that to actually perform in the aforementioned
extent he was along the right lines – “this”, with young children and doesn’t move make you jump out of your seat right within cliché-scenes. Marc Blucas can’t seem
being the film, “is ridiculous”, meaning much past that. Given that the fears are seconds of a silence appearing; creatures to make his mind up as to whether he is a
“really a very silly idea” – definitely relatively common place and familiar to that make funny noises; flicking lights; caring, loving boyfriend or merely a marker
nodding in the right direction as far as most, director Robert Harmon, who gave elevator shafts; empty swimming pools; by which to observe the ‘madness’ of his
comments go. But what he neglected to us the thrilling The Hitcher with Rutger rain; thunder...all the usual rubbish. girlfriend and any other characters are so
add to his remark was that the premise Hauer some while back and the less Or it might have been the lack of a decent poor that they deserve the end coming to
of They is shocking, the acting is worse thrilling Van Damme vehcile Nowhere to script, exemplified by the best line of the them.
than that of a bunch of four year-olds in a Run, could have gone somewhere with film – in fact the only memorable line of Or maybe it was the monsters running
nativity play and it was basically as scary this and actually scared his audience, but the film – being the old “What do you think around at the end? In other quarters, They
as an old lady eating rice pudding without somewhere, and I’m not quite sure where, it went through his head before he died?”/”A and the recent Signs, have been praised
her false teeth securely in place. all goes catastrophically downhill. bullet” chestnut. for their portrayal of aliens/beasts running
The plot, which centres around a totally It might have been his inability to steer around and being scary whilst not being
unconvincing psychology graduate Laura particularly evident, thus allowing the
“It is basically
away from the horror genre’s clichés: the
viewer to fill in all the gaps and letting their
i can’ believe we’re in such a bad movie... imaginations getting the better of them.

as scary as an But surely some poor digital animation

or a bloke in a latex suit running around

old lady eat-

does nothing more than extract the last
remnants of credibility from a film whose

ing rice pud-

climax can’t come up with anything more
imaginative than “life from other planets.”
It seems a bit of a cop-out to me.

ding without Where Scream (and to a lesser extent

Eight Legged Freaks) succeeded was with

her false teeth

their self-mocking scripts and attention to
the comical, all in an attempt to show that

securely in
neither film was taking itself too seriously.
Where They fails, apart from the script,
direction, imagery, acting and music, is that
place.” it is trying to be something it simply could
never have been: scary. I think the other
five people in the cinema would agree with
me. richard watts

words: stew ‘the dude’ fudge just the tip of the iceberg. Although “The
Empire Strikes Back” is largely regarded
Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) is a young as the best star wars movie you have to
man who lives with his uncle and aunt on give “A New Hope” its dues for setting
a desert planet. Luke’s parents are dead. the standard. Star Wars is a cult classic
One day, as Luke is... outside, something that spans 25 years (and growing). It has
crashes and he checks it out. It turns out an enormous fanbase. Star Wars was years
there were two robots in there, namely C- ahead of its time. And anyway, it gave the
3P0 and R2-D2. They have a message to world light sabres so even for that we have
give to some guy named Obi-Wan Kenobi to be thankful. By the way, for one of the
(which turns out to be Alec Guiness!) from best fight scenes ever, check out the end of
Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher). Luke goes Episode II, thoroughly worth waiting for.
off to find old Ben (Obi-Wan), who lives Incidentally did you know that apparently
close to his uncle. Old Ben gives Luke a George Lucas was short of money and so
long story about how his father was a Jedi offered the actors a share of the profits
and he will be one too, etc. When they generated from the movie but Alec Guiness
come back, Luke’s uncle and aunt are turned this down in favour of a flat fee…
dead and now, he’s not safe. So Luke and good business sense.
Ben and the robots head to Nar Shadaa, a
hole, basically. There they meet up with
Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and his big, uh,
ape-like thing called a Wookie. Then the
adventure “begins”. Now as a youngster
I hated this series of movies, largely
because everyone was constantly telling
me they were the best movies ever and
my immediate reaction to such plaudits
was to hate the movies. However as time
has gone by I have grown to appreciate
the whole Star Wars thang. The thought
that George Lucas has put into the world
of Star Wars is absolutely incredible and
the detail is breathtaking. The movies are
14 November 2002 LITERATURE 15

“How true!” I hear you cry. Blake
may have been a bit crazy,
claiming that he had visions of
LOVE seeketh only self to please,
God’s angel, but his literature
certainly bitchslaps most others. To bind another to Its delight:
For this week and next week I
intend to analyse the concept Joys in anothers loss of ease,
of love in a literary context. If
you, like many others, have ever
been hurt by the twisted evils of
love (ironic, I know); or if you
And builds a HELL in Heavens despite. William Blake
have been touched by love,
the following literature can
certainly help you analyse your
situation, and possibly allow
you to find a solution.
Thank you for your contributions this One Helluva Life at the Yvonne Arnaud
week, keep them coming. Theatre
Directed by Bryan Forbes
Chris Ward | Literature Editor Starring: Tom Conti & Rupert Farley

“Staggering is a sign of strength – only the

weak have to be carried home.” Spoken by
modern prose | enduring love | ian mcewan Tom Conti (as John Barrymore) near the
start of One Helluva Life, this quote certainly
sets the theme for the rest of the play. Set in
“Dear Joe, I feel happiness running words: chris ward 1942, it charts the descent of actor John
through me like an electrical literature editor Barrymore from childhood, through four
current. I close my eyes and see troubled marriages and into the depths of
you as you were last night in the this as “holding back”, scared of severe alcoholism. The action all takes place
rain, across the road from me, with the future. Parry’s mental condition during rehearsals for Barrymore’s title role
in Shakespeare’s Richard the Third at a New
the unspoken love between us as holds a context of religion, as you York theatre, with frequent diversions into
strong as steel cable. I close my can see from the above letter. drunken autobiographical anecdotes and
eyes and thank God out loud for The realistic nature of this novel stories. Throughout the entire two hours of words: sarah butterworth
letting you exist, for letting me exist grafts a dark and sinister overtone in the play Barrymore is the only character perfectly. The characters were
in the same time and place as you, the pages. The police will not help every appearing on the stage; his co-star believable, the script excellent and
Rupert Farley (Frank, the prompt) spends Bryan Forbes’ direction showed
and for letting this strange adventure Joe because Parry “has done nothing the entire time sitting in the wings, and it sensitivity and style. The final lines
between us begin. I thank Him for wrong” and is merely a “religious was quite strange to put a face to the voice at sum up Barrymore’s addiction, which
every little thing about us. This fanatic”. The police make it clear to the final curtain call. Pivotal to the storyline ultimately claimed his life – “If only
morning I woke and on the wall Joe that it “was not a police matter” are the endless jokes and anecdotes, told Eve had offered Adam a Jack Daniels
beside my bed was a perfect disc of and “unless he harms you, or your with superb skill by Conti. Even the most then we’d still be in paradise.”
predictable and innuendo-packed stories Although a night at theatre is not
sunlight and I thanked Him for that property, or threatens the same he’s were so expertly and comically conveyed normally considered a usual pastime
same sunlight falling on you!” committing no offence.” that the audience were in fits of laughter for for a student, if you can get your
The words of a stalker - suffering Joe is experiencing one of the many much of the show. hands on a ticket, I would definitely
from perhaps the most dangerous dark faces of love. His fear of Parry Although primarily a comedy, there recommend making the effort to see
form of obsession known to man forces him apart from Clarissa, were moments when the darker sides of this play. One Helluva Life is running
the story were revealed and one became at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre
– the love for somebody else, and she begins to think he is going painfully aware of the struggle with drink in Guildford until Saturday 16th
and the self-certainty that the crazy. Parry will persist, however, that Barrymore faced. Despite the joking November - for more information,
person in question loves you. De because his condition makes him – “you’re all boozers, I can tell – your faces call the box office on 01483 440000
Clerambault’s syndrome closes believe that his “bond” with Joe is are blurred” – you could feel t h e or visit
the mental window to reality, and fate. People with an obsession like strain Barrymore was
the situation often concludes into this are extremely dangerous, and
experiencing as modern poetry | love-lies-bleeding
well as Frank’s
tragedy. when they don’t get what they want, concern for
anne dinali abeygunasekera
Joe Rose is a science-journalist. they get frustrated. When they get him. The
His wife, Clarissa, is a literature frustrated, they get harmful. Joe acting was
lecturer at a university. One fateful keeps this in the back of his mind superb,
and although Languishingly loving,
day in the Cotswolds, involving an at all times, and is right to do so. the almost stand-up You inclined me
out-of-control hot air balloon and As Parry’s frustration escalates, an comedy set up took In compromising
the death of one altruistic person attempt on Joe’s life is made in a a few minutes The bitter truth about thee
who compromises his life to try and public restaurant by a hired hit-man. to adjust to, Intrigued by thy lament
it worked Inherent in resent
save the little boy inside the basket; Enduring Love is quite an I endured
they both meet Jed Parry, who will ambiguous title. Joe has to “endure” My love so pure
be a dark and sinister figure to Joe the dangerous “love” of Jed Parry; But alas! What a shame
for a long time. He is obsessed with whilst enduring the strains on his My heart you blame
Joe, and his dangerous condition relationship with Clarissa. Enduring I’m shattered
I can survive no more
makes him believe that Joe also Love could also mean a love that is To thee it doesn’t matter
loves him. Joe quite blatantly tells enduring and long-lasting; but that I’m none in thy inner core
Parry that he is not interested, but would be too optimistic, wouldn’t This world made me sear
Parry’s deranged mind interprets it? Thus I withdraw in tears
16 MUSIC 14 November 2002

DISASTER hit the beginning of the
Guns N’ Roses North American tour THE SCIENTIST
as Axyl Rose failed to show up. As a COLDPLAY | INFECTIOUS RECORDS
result thousands of fans rioted outside This is fantastic! ‘The Scientist’ taken from
the Vancouver arena to show their the stunning second album ‘A Rush Of
frustration. Barriers were thrown Blood To The Head’ from Coldplay, is a
through box office windows and majestic, tender ballad that really is classic

fireworks and rocks were used against coldplay. ‘The Scientist’ is a ostentatious
the police. The rioting was controlled epic, an anthem for the heartbroken, that is
after about an hour with the use of full of emotion. Main man Chris Martin
pepper spray and clubs. Axyl’s no recorded the vocals and piano in one
show was due to bad weather so his single take, late at night in a Liverpool
plane could not leave Los Angeles. studio and you can really hear his voice
Now there is something you don’t get cracking with weariness and emotion. The
at an S Club Juniors concert! single also includes two great new tracks;
‘1.36’, and ‘I Ran Away’, with the latter
YOU thought it was the unlikeliest including some beautiful guitar work from
romance of the year and it was Jonny Buckland. Coldpaly have recently
according to Gareth Gates. Following been nominated for 4 MTV Europe Music
Jordan’s claims about an alleged Awards (Best Group, Best Album, Best
romance, Gareth has sent an irate legal Rock Act, Best UK & Ireland Act). On the
letter to the page 3 pin up. She claims evidence of this single, we can all see why.
they had a four month fling with the Great stuff! nine| m.i.
pop idol runner up and they shared a
steamy night together in a posh London
hotel. Gareth claims it is all “a load of THE THRILLS
This thrilling new band that are known by all of Dublin, and soon to be the rest of the
EMINEM’S debut movie ‘8 MILE’ has world go under the name of ‘The Thrills’. This is a name that we will all hear more of next
stormed straight to the top of the box year. ‘The Thrills’ have been mates for years, they then decided to form a band and have
office charts in the US, grossing $54.5 just released their debut record ‘Santa Cruz’ and what a record it is. ‘The Thrills’ want to
million in its opening weekend. The get out there and play to people, lets all go and make them happy. Love it. eight | s.b
movie, which cost $50 million to
make, outstripped the previous week’s
box office topper, Tim Allen’s ‘The
Santa Clause 2’, almost two-to-one.
According to the LA Times, as far as
R-rate movies go, its’ opening weekend
box office receipts come second only
to ‘Hannibal’, which grossed $58
million in its opening weekend. At
the US premiere of the film last
Wednesday (November 6) at Mann’s
Chinese Theater in Hollywood,
Eminem was joined by Kim Basinger,
Alicia Silverstone, Avril Lavigne,
Macy Gray, Christina Aguilera and WE’RE THE WIRE
Matthew Perry. Pamela Anderson CORRIGAN | BRIGHT STAR RECORDINGS
also attended with her fiancé Kid It says here, right, that ‘singer Martin
Rock. Corrigan’s upbringing on the side of a
mountain (!) has endowed him with a sharp
eye for the seamy underbelly of small town
SPACE FILLER. READ AT YOUR PERIL life and beyond’ While I’m tempted to give
this a 10 just for that sentence, the actual

single isn’t quite that great. Sounding like
a garage rock One Minute Silence, which
DISCO HURTS when you think about is fairly ridiculous,
Corrigan’s second single We’re the Wire
Well in this case disco certainly does. In a is your standard acerbic rock-out, the
good way! In a modern-day Blondie punk kind of thing we’ve got floating around
kind of way, actually. Nu (from Denmark) in abundance at the moment, with a few
say their name means ‘now’ in Danish twiddly electronic noises thrown in at the
and ‘naked’ in French - you do the math end. five | a.c.
dude! Disco Hurts is filthy retro pop-rock
with an electronic twist, gorgeous female
vocals and wholesome basslines. Almost words by: alex read
annoyingly catchy, this blow-up doll of a simon robinson
tune will lock itself in your brain and eat richard watts | duncan hills
the key. And guess what? The B-side is matty b | anthos chrysanthou
almost as good. Factory Girl cheats slightly anna wheeler | mark iyer
by pulling the old ascending 4 chord ‘teen stuart bryce | timothy dungey
spirit’ trick but nonetheless succeeds in
being both effortlessly cool and the second if you are interested in writing for the music
great song on this 2-track single. Sex on a team, then come along to the cd hand-out in
disc. sixty-nine | a.c. the media centre on mondays at 5pm
14 November 2002 MUSIC 17


Last week, the live review of reuben’s

FURTHER BEYOND NASHVILLE gig at the union included a picture from
VARIOUS | MANTECA their website
Question: What do you get if you put 36 This pictured should have been credited
tracks of alternative country, both old and to Matthew Williams.
new on 2 CDs. Answer: ‘Further Beyond barefacts apologises for this oversight
Nashville’. and would like to thank Mr Williams
After the small scale success of ‘Beyond for his support in this matter.
Nashville’ comes the second in the series of
30 plus country classics crammed onto CD.
Manteca have collated a prime collection
of alternative country music that leaves
you jigging away to for the majority of the
two hours. There is no line dancing here
kids, just quality structured songs from the
likes of Bob Dylan, Lambchop, Alabama
3, Calexico and the less well known Buck
Owens. (What a bodacious name for a
country singer!) Max Reinhardt is behind
‘Further Beyond Nashville’, he explains
how the CD represents the story of the
HAVE YOU FED THE FISH? Further Beyond Nashville festival which is
BADLY DRAWN BOY | TWISTED NERVE taking place later this year at the Barbican
Daomn Gough seems to have hit upon a bit of a normality problem – the reaches in London. The world famous desert rock
of success have plagued him such that now he must show us so explicitly, through scene is represented on this collection;

the question posed in the title of the album, that he hasn’t lost touch with his you will also find Afro-American country
roots. The lad should go a bit easier on himself – he’s done well to get where he singers, bands from Nashville and also acts
has and hasn’t done so without a fair amount of talent to get him there – but at from Brixton, UK. If you fancy a change
the same time, self-referencing and name0droppig never does go down well with from your usual indie/rock/punk purchases BY ONE
your public. A couple of times, unfortunately on the probably most melodic of the from HMV on a Monday morning then FOO FIGHTERS
tunes collected here, he refers to turning down Madonna and sometimes gravitates this is your answer. A great purchase for Right first things first everyone knows
towards, well, cultural gravitas – the classic Nick Drake “musician observing those new to alternative country music (like about the killer opening track and lead
world going by” stance. myself). seven | s.b off single All My Life yeah? Well like me
What made Hour of the Bewilderbeast so appealing was its ramshackle feel – its you probably hoped for at least a couple
ability to use pots, pans and bubble-blowing such that you felt like it was a “made more tracks of comparable quality, they
at home” record. Such chances can only work once, and, lacking the whimsical are on there it just takes a little while for
charm of the About a Boy soundtrack he produced last year, this is unfortunately the good to out. I’m sure most people
an unmemorable affair. five | r.w. subconsciously believe if a band have made
a video and released a song as a single it
must one of the better tracks on the album,
LONESOME DAY STRONGER / ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES I’m not convinced. The Foo Fighters have
a quite unique sound thanks in part to Dave
Yes, he is still alive and rocking, with the Double A side action from one of this Grohls voice and the production used on
same music and the same recognisable year’s girl band successes, the Sugababes his vocals. Low is mental with break neck
voice. If you’re a fan, you’ll like it, if have entertained the charts with previous everything it’s a roller coaster ride to hell
you’re not its still ok. You can’t really hits, Round, Round and Freak Like Me. saved only by Grohl in a characteristic
dislike it. It’s the sort of track you’d hear at Powerful Stronger uses elements of ballad display of composure that’s epidemic on
HMV in the background and hum to. Your pop being more mature in structure than the record – I’d prefer some impromptu
parents will love it, and you may even find your every day trash pop groups. Catchy shit production to keep it edgy. Some of the
yourself singing along too! six | n.d chorus clad Angles With Dirty Faces is tracks come and go with little fanfare but
not as strong as previous hits buts likely to most leave the impression that things are
please their every growing fan base. m.b. still cool with the band. eight | a.r.
| six

DEFAULT | ISLAND RECORDS Justice has been served, people, and girlfriend’s decision is final. Students
When you first listen to this, you’ll say “is someone who really wants to win the only (Alan - you wouldn’t want this prize
this Nickelback?”….then the music gets competition has. She even did research and anyway). For more details, see the thread
dreary and boring. If you like ‘Nickelback’ everything. So you, Miss Louise Fahie, on the bulletin board.
you will like these – they sound like a tribute are the winner of two tickets to the Charity I’m doing this for Bjorn from ABBA - the
band of them. Chad Kroeger, the lead signer Dinner Dance. Thanks to Nick and the rest long forgotten member. He’s not dead you
of Nickelback actually produced this album of the CDD crew for the tickets - keep a know.
and wrote a few tracks. ‘Default’ have been lookout for more details in barefacts and
touring with them for a while so this explains tickets being sold (if, indeed, there are any
the evident similarity. This four piece outfit left).
from Vancouver are releasing their debut This week’s competition will appeal to all
single ‘wasting my time’ (which is what I felt of you who like your music and know a
I was doing listening to it) in January, and little bit about the subject: we have a signed
will no doubt be a hit with your little brother copy of The Libertines “Up the Bracket
with his collection of Limp Bizkit and other album to give away. All you have to do is
tripe like that. In all fairness, some of the answer a question and send the answer to
music is just about listenable and tracks like
‘slow me down’ and ‘seize the day’ make The only difference this week is that you
this album not a complete disaster. Just. determine the question and the answer
four | n.d - the most imaginitive entry wins and my
18 COMMUNICATION 14 November 2002

The J-team go to the Student Radio Awards - keep ‘em peeled for results...

J team suits!) with a nationally recognised bunch of radio people, but we could also win. For those
of you not in the know, your GU2 has been nominated for ‘Best Station’ and ‘Best Factual
Speech Based Program’. If GU2 can claim one of these (or both!) then I think it would be
a fantastic achievement, and not just for those involved. It would slightly increase Surrey’s
general size on the map as well as massively within the radio industry! Correct me if I’m
wrong (, but Surrey have only ever won one radio award. I believe that
to be ‘Best Show’ or something back in the days of Radio Surrey in the 70’s. A brilliant
achievement, but we want more! If it doesn’t happen this year, we will another!
This moves me nicely on to celebrations, should we win of course. Previous to the
nomination party last month, when The J-Team were entered in the ‘Best Show’ and
‘Best Marketing’ categories, I was quoted as saying “I’m gonna run round Guildford in
just my boxers if The J-Team receive a nomination!” I really should stop making these
commitments. Not because we received any nominations, or are likely to, but because I
have absolutely no intention of doing it! No matter how pleased I am. A more sensible
thing to say would be “Eh! Who fancies a spot of Pernod if we grab the award folks?” That
would be much more likely to happen. Even though I can’t stand Pernod.
I think only one thing remains to be said and that is: BEST OF LUCK GU2! I’m sure that
every decent union member would join me with that. A special mention should also go to
the man, Mr. Gareth Davies, for all the effort and work he put in last year. It may have been
words: Judge Mental England-esque, having our English mouths managed by a foreigner, but he kept all the
Welsh tongue off air! Most of the time. Gaz, we love ya!
Our Student Radio Awards Day
Oh yeah. I think I said on last week’s Classic, “If we get the gong, then I’ll run round in a
Hello there again all! Apologies for the lack of a J-Column last week. We felt that we
thong!” I’d like to just retract that statement.
deserved a little bit of holiday time away from the cruel Rich Watts regime! We are officially
back now and promise to continue filling the ‘facts up with articles on important issues from
This Saturday sees the second airing of ‘Jay’s Saturday Show’. Tune in to hear a stunning
everyday life and USSU, right down to the most insignificant of life’s insignificances.
blend of music which is sure to include modern chart tracks as well as those you haven’t
As it turns out, it is a good job we’re back this week as it’s awards time! That’s right,
heard for a while. In amongst that mixture you can find his ‘Covers Corner’ as well
tonight (14th November) sees the stars of last years GU2 efforts, along with ourselves, attend
as weekly booze giveaways! All of this between 4pm and 6pm on Saturdays only on
the Radio 1 National Student Radio Awards. Exciting stuff. We’ve decided that this week’s
1350AM, GU2.
column will be used to provide a little insight into what today means to us.
Quite simply, it means an awful lot. Not only is it an immense feeling to be travelling up The J-Team Classic every Thursday | 7-10pm
to an awards ceremony in London (we even have to dress formally! J-Team Shirts with
Daisy Delves: a new feature but no bare-foot most of the time, which produced
header as of yet. words: daisy clay. an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He
also ate very little, which made him rather
Children’s Books That Didn’t Make It frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
You Are Different and That’s Bad bad breath. This made him what?
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His A super-calloused fragile mystic plagued
Vegetables with halitosis.
Dad’s New Wife Timothy
bringing you the randomness from cyberspace Fun Four-letter Words to Know And Share Now for some (slightly) more relevant
words: chris “funkyberry” hunter Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An humour (well Educationally related
I-Can-Do-It Book humour). The following are actual quotes
Thanks to ? for my first site (Julia for those that don’t speak The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking from British exam papers:
Russian). If you really want to show off in class and twiddle your Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped “Monotony means being married to the
pen around your fingers, but never knew how those other show Loving Her same person all your life.”
offs did it, then can show you The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan “A sexually transmitted disease is
how to do it. The site includes instructions with photos, videos, Your Nightmares are Real gonorrhoea, and the penis becomes
and even a message board! Just make sure you don’t practice with a The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy inflammable.”
fountain pen – as it could get messy! Whining, Crying and Kicking to Get Your “A major disease associated with smoking
There are a lot of people out there who love celebrities, and collect Way is premature death.”
pictures or videos of them. Now you can go one better than your What is That Dog Doing to That Other “The process of flirtation makes water safe
friends, and actually obtain a 100% authentic birth certificate for Dog? to drink because it removes large pollutants
your idol. is the site, which also Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.”
now does death certificates and marriage certificates. I tried to Neat Things “When you breathe, you inspire. When you
find a death certificate for Rod Stewart, but unfortunately he When Mummy and Daddy Don’t Know the do not breathe, you expire.”
hasn’t been declared officially dead yet, so I failed. Answer, They Say God Did It. “H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.”
Now one for people reading this, that actually have to work. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School “When you smell an odourless gas, it is
uk/quitclock gives you a brief questionnaire about various aspects of your job (like your A few jokes to make you groan… probably carbon monoxide.”
position, perks of the job, how many colleagues you have slept with, etc), and then it One day God calls Noah and says “Noah I “Blood flows down one leg and up the
will give you a comprehensive analysis of your current work situation, and how long it need you to build another ark.” other.”
estimates you will stay in the job. If after doing the questionnaire, you realise that its time “What, like the last one?” asks Noah. “A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it
to go, there are even resignation letter templates. My favourite being the one for a Morse “Er, no…I need this one to have six is, the more extinct it is.”
Code translator: “-.-.- .. .-. . ... .. --. -. .-.-.- - .... .- -. -.- -.-- --- ..” storeys.” “Red, pink, orange and blue are colours of
Lastly something for the musicians among you. has a collection “So do you want me to lead all the animals the rectum.”
of musician jokes, so here are a few that I like [Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? He's two by two into the ark?” “Planet – a body of earth surrounded by
too sensitive] [How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the “No,” says God. “I just want you to take sky.”
Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.] [What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.] fish an board.” “To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in
“What kind of fish?” “Just take carp the cow.”
onto the arc.” “Why just carp?”
have your say “Because I have always wanted a multi- I think some of these are students trying
storey carp ark.” to be funny but some of these are actually
genuine! Don’t write any of these in your
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked exams…
20 INTERACTIVE 14 November 2002

None other than Daisy Clay has done

1. Let me, I’ll do anything if you just let
Not many people said they had got last week’s
challenge. It was one of those light things on your
left as you walk to Austin Pearce. Now I know I
said that I’ll try and get to the suburbs of campus
this week’s lyrics quiz (the above image me. this week, well due to a very interesting project on
being some lines from the Beatles’ Hey 2. I said I love you and I swear I will do. lifts, I’ve not had the time. So instead, this week’s
Jude, by the way, indicating lyrics of a 3. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. challenge comes from somewhere in our very own
sort, I suppose. Anyway, as has been 4. Lay back it’s all been done before. Student Union!
mentioned in abother place, there are no 5. Running just as fast as we can, holding -funkyberry-
answers available to this week’s challenge. onto one another’s hand.
I suppose if you are really desperate 6. Feeling green when the jealousy swells
you could go and search on google on and it won’t go away in dreams. (?)
something and find the answer. Just 7. The more you see the more you want, the
remember that it is only the lyrics quiz, more you taste it just gets better.
though, and so doesn’t really matter all 8. If I’m smart then I’ll run away, but I’m
that much. Not so much as passing your not so I guess I’ll stay.
exams or listening in lectures, for example. 9. Play the best song in the world, or I’ll eat
Anyway enough of me being mother and your soul.
without further ado I’ll pass you to the quiz: 10. They don’t bark and they don’t bite.

Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?

So - for no money whatsoever - who actually gives a damn whether WWTBAM appears
here week after week?

£100: what kind of animal is Nipper in the famous HMV logo?
a: a budgerigar | b: a pirhana | c: a giraffe | d: a dog
£200: which sign of the zodiac has a sting in the tail? An X can indicate where hidden treasure is hidden. It can also indicate
a: saggitarius | b: aries | c: cancer | d: scorpio that a girlfriend is no longer your romantic acquaintance. Versatile.

£300: who invented psychoanalysis?

a: lucien freud | b: clement freud | c: emma freud | d: sigmund freud

£500: in which sport is the herringbone technique used for going uphill?
a: skiing | b: rock-climbing | c: mountain biking | d: hang gliding

£1k: in which city did Sally Gunnel win an Olympic gold medal in the 400m hurdles?
a: paris | b: stockholm | c: barcelona | d: st louis

£2k: on which London thoroughfare is the Cenotaph?

a: whitehall | b: oxford circus | c: piccadilly | d: king’s road

£4k: which king of England was in 1649?

a: james I | b: charles I | c: James II | d: charles II

£8k: Clarice Cliff is best known for designing what?

a: jewelry | b: furniture | c: dolls | d: pottery

£16k: in which country is the opera Aida set?

a: india | b: egypt| c: china | d: thailand

£32k: in the film “Bad Day at Black Rock”, Spencer Tracy’s character has only one what? across down
a: leg | b: eye | c: ear | d: arm 1. private [5] 2. canonical hour [5]
4. feeling [5] 3. environmental science [7]
£64k: how many stars are on the flag of New Zealand? 10. portugese lady [7] 5. precise [5]
a: 4 | b: 5 | c: 6 | d: 7 11. saying [5] 6. african language [7]
12. zest [5] 7. custom [5]
£125k: in Greek mythology, who was the god of flocks and herds? 13. silvery metallic element [7] 8. forest god [5]
a: diana | b: hermes | c: sylvanus | d: pan 15. bloodstained [4] 9. squalid [5]
17. old style records [5] 14. novice [4]
£250k: by which name is Haydn’s 92nd symphony popularly known as? 19. means of communication [5] 16. stew [4]
a: london | b: surprise | c: oxford | d: clock 22. graphic symbol [4] 18. nightmare [7]
25. tooth [7] 20. lawlessness [7]
£500k: in which Dickens novel do the Cheeryble brothers appear? 27. permit [5] 21. measure of volume [5]
a: nicholas nickelby | b: pickwick papers | c: our mutual friend | d: hard times 29. repudiate [5] 23. statement of belief [5]
30. win or place [4-3] 24. influences [5]
£1m: the fall in pitch of a vehicle’s siren as it passes is associated with which scientist? 31. racehorse [5] 26. fight [3-2]
a: corioli | b: newton | c: doppler | d: hooke 32. epiphany gift [5] 28. inferior [5]
14 November 2002 LIFESTYLE 21

Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give

a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings
L ife After The Womb
words: rich w

The emergency fax came through to the plurals department of

within Battersea Court Rawson…
the Centre for the Development of the English Language at ap-
EVERYONE above the first year will be ANOTHER week nearer Christmas, and proximately four pm of a harrowingly windy day - the sort where your trouser leg clings
familiar with that ‘mid term low’ feeling sadly we haven’t started putting up our relentlessly to your shin and makes you paranoid that you have skinny legs. Donald
that sets in around week 10 of the first decorations. The top of that big Christmas jumped up immediately, rousing himself from bourbon biscuit dipping and read the piece
semester; an unfortunate by-product of tree I see out my window is still there, and of paper with abject horror: “Fellas,” he said, paying no regard whatsoever to Patricia, the
the abnormally long its raining – not snowing. leggy brunette whom he never paid too much attention to (unless she was filing stuff away
15 week Autumn THIS last week I’ve been in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet), “we have an emergency: Guiness has just been

“Don’t worry
semester. Everyone doing a project on lifts admitted into the dictionary as a real word and we have to determine its plural. Let’s get on
starts to become slightly with my group. It’s really to it.”
lethargic and apathetic, the only thing I’ve been They cleared away the desk that hasn’t been use since the debacle of the “sheep” plural
the most common word
around is the dreaded - my psy- thinking about, and it’s
really not good. Still, I
some years before and sat down. Donald - old, experienced, patronising and somewhat
yellow-skinned - faced Peter: young, handsome (in a geeky, bottled-rimmed glasses sort
fo accountant way), articulate and, most importantly in Donald’s eyes at least, inferior and
chiatrist said
‘coursework’, and can talk about lifts for
Union is unnaturally ages now… I’ll spare you subordinate.
quiet on a normally though. “Let’s think about it in context” suggested the old guy - a seemingly useful comment, but
heaving Friday Night.
Unfortunately, I am that all will TWO interesting facts
about lifts that you
considering his wife hadn’t let him anywhere near a pub since his last meeting and Peter
still wasn’t old enough to step foot in one for a meal, let alone a drink (he was a prodigy),
it presented a problem. Luckily, the realm of the hypothetical wasn’t too abstract a concept
one of the guilty ones may not know. 1) If
who did not attend the
week 9 FNO - the very
be back to you are in a lift that
is plummeting out of
for any of them to grasp. “Hello barman, I’ll have a Jack Daniels and Coke, three bot-
tles of Smirnoff Ice and two Guine-er; two, erm, Guinessesses. No, erm...” “This could

nomal within
first Friday I haven’t control, then jumping at be tricky,” piped Peter, though he had never been a piper beforehand. “Indeed,” replied
ventured out since the the last minute will have Donald.
start of my final year. no effect what so ever. “Ok, let’s have look at the alterna- tives: we could have ‘Guinesses’,
AFTER a crazy week of
coursework, rehearsals a few days.” 2) The first lift safety
system was created by
as in ‘I’ll have two Guinesses
“A valiant attempt, Donald, but
please, barman’.”
not possible I’m afraid - what
and Barefacts, some sultan guy a few about Ulysses? You can’t have two Ulysseses now can you?”
snuggling up in bed hundred years ago, by “True, but Ulysses isn’t the sort of thing you would have two
and watching the comic-but-meant-to-be- putting a load of feather stuffed pillows at of anyway, is it? You would have two copies of it if it were the
scary Carrie 2 seemed a far more appealing the bottom of the 2 storey lift shaft. To test book by that Irish fella and if you were considering that creature
prospect than the Union. Don’t worry, the system he then hoisted the lift up to thing in the Iliad then you could only have one.”
my psychiatrists tell me I’ll be back to the 2nd level with a servant in, then he cut “Fair point. You’re right.”
(relatively) normal within a few days. the rope. The servant survived with only 1 “How about Guinea? I’ll have a couple of Guinea please, mate?”
This week saw the sleeping-through-7am- broken leg, so the sultan was satisfied that “Nope. Too easily confused with the old money stuff, back in teh
fire-alam incident of week 5 resurface the lift was safe! day, you know, when stuff was all half crown this and en shilling
again. After my earlier warning from the I HAVE just had a great idea. I think that. Any barman would be think- ing you were after his money and
Warden, I thought I’d heard the last of everyone in the world should buy more report a robbery.”
it. But, oh no, things like that cannot be underwear! I’m far too busy to do my “That’s a bit extreme isn’t it - robbery?”
forgotten by the powers that be. This week, washing, but its getting near to the time “So are many things, my friend, so don’t fret.”
our entire floor received a letter informing when I need to do it, i.e. when I run out “Ok.”
us that “someone (you know who you are) of underwear. It seems that everyone on “What about Guinii, as in nuclei - referring to multiple little centres of an atom.”
should understand that not only do you put campus has just enough underwear for a “It’s certainly a possibility, but I can’t help but feel that it sounds like a person with some
yourself in danger, but also the safety of 2 week rotation, because whenever I walk sort of funny accent. Almost as if its a hybrid of the West Country and Cornwall and that is
others.” Apparently the next time I commit past the laundrette between those 2 weeks just a bit funny, really. I mean, I sort of like it, but you can’t help but think it sounds funny.
this misdemeanour I will be fined £15. For its empty. However, whenever I want to do Guinii. Plus it will really confuse those people that can’t spell already, especially since it
being a heavy sleeper?! How many times my washing, the place is packed! If people contains a double vowel.”
do I have to say it – I did not choose to bought more underwear, then the 2 week “You mean a little like vacuum?”
sleep through the fire practice! rotation would be no more, and it would “Exactly. No-one would get anywhere near it and children would fail their exams because
NOW, enough of my ranting and raving filter into the 3 or 4 or even (for the very of it.”
(it’s been a long week). Week 9’s Sunday lovebuyingunderweary people) 5 week “In all fairness, though, children should not be writng about Guiness, especially in the plu-
Roast Dinner, despite warnings that I rotation! ral, at ages where spellng coul greatly affect their grades. I mean, if children at SATS level
should never be let near any type of food, RIGHT THEN, I’m off to take out my are writing about ordering three Guinii and a packet of crisps, I have some serious issues
was my first time as the main chef. After a subscription to Elevator World Magazine! with the teaching going on there.”
few narrowly avoided disasters (yorkshire Oh, and if you need to move your fridge to “Couldn’t you argue that it is giving them a rounded education?”
pudding mix in foil cases should not be left get something from under it, don’t do as my “No you certainly could not. What’s next - letting them toke on a bong so they can apreci-
to defrost whilst sitting on top of each other “un-named” housemate did, and tip it up ate why people are willing to break the law to get off every once in a while? That, as well
– it’s messy) the result was actually quite with everything still in it! as potentially harming them in every possibel sense, is plain silly. It is of no benefit to
edible. Maybe there’s a chef somewhere them.”
deep inside me fighting to get out. Mind chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter “But my mother used to give me Babycham at new year to slebrate th start of a new year.”
you, it must be hidden very, very deep! “Well that was irresponsible and I in no way advocate that kind of behaviour from a fellow
adult and parent.”
‘ickle sarah butterworth “So we’re not agreed on Guinii then?”
“Well, no, but what are the alernatives? We’ve had Guinesses, Guinea and have now dis-
and if you can type accurately, that may help... counted Guinii. That leaves us with absoluley nothing.”
the look. whatever your interest, i believe is the place you want to be e-mailing. oh, “What about just ‘Guiness’?” Patricia had been quiet up to this point and her comment
bounds in the area of design, but maybe it is time for a new direction, or at least some new blood to refresh stopped the two chaps in their tracks.
better, then please ket us know. if you are an expert at design, then let us know. we have made leaps and “What - as in ‘I’ll have two guiness please barman?’”
apple key and the such-like - but we’re getting there. but if you have any tips on how we can make bf
hands. sexy computer. sexy paper. it figures, you see. we’re still getting a little used to how it works - this
looking computer in the students’ union is being utilised to make this sexy paper you now hold in your “Good idea. I like it.”
meanime, i thought i’d tell you that this is all now being done on a mac. that’s right - that dashingly good- “Me too.”
you might want to go it alone and see how well you could actually do if the answers weren’t here. In the “Well then thats settled. Plural of Guiness is Guiness. A bit like sheep, but you drink it as
opposed to eat it. Well done Patricia. Do me favour and file this away will you?”
Because this is going to be the last week for most of the interactive features we normally have, we thought

“No problem, Donald - which drawer?”

Upside-Down Answers
22 PERSONALS 14 November 2002

25 ways to fail your exams

1. Once in the exam, grab your question sheet and run out, yelling ‘Michel, Michel, 14. Clap every ten minutes. When asked why, explain that the lightbulb that goes on
I’ve got the secret documents!” (Don’t forget to put on your best French accent). in your head every time you have an idea is linked to a clapper. Remember to look
2. Make paper aeroplanes out of the exam paper, and aim them at the invigilator’s at the invigilator as if they are completely stupid.
left nostril. 15. Wear a black cloak to your exam. Halfway through, put on a white mask and start
3. Throughout the exam, read the questions to yourself and debate your answers out singing, “He’s here, the phantom of the operaaaaaaaaa”. If asked to stop, sing
loud. If asked to stop, yell out “I know you can hear me thinking, don’t try to deny louder. If possible, try to get your neighbours to sing the harmonies….
it’. Then start talking about how much you loath and despise the invigilator. 16. Turn up to an exam for a completely different subject to your own. Make sure
4. About ten minutes after the exam starts, start to complain: “This is stupid, I don’t that it is a very small exam group and that the invigilator would know you don’t
understand. I’ve been to every single lecture this semester. What’s going on? Who belong to. Insist that you have attended every single lecture and fight for your
the hell are you? Where’s the guy we normally have?” right to take the exam.

5. Run into the exam room looking around frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief, and 17. After reading the exam questions through once, laugh very loudly in a derogatory
run up to the invigilator crying, “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country”, manner and exclaim, “Surely you don’t expect me to waste my time on this drivel.
before running out. Neighbours is on!”

6. Come to the exam wearing nothing but your underwear. 18. Bring a masseuse to the exam. Claim they are necessary because you have a bad
back and you need them in order to concentrate. Charge their fee to the University.
7. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up. If
you’re doing a maths exam, try using Roman numerals. 19. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious… e.g. languages
notes for a chemistry exam), and staple them to the exam, with the comment,
8. bring a supply of small objects to throw at the invigilator. Plead innocence when ‘Please refer to the attached notes as you see fit’.
they try to pin it on you.
20. Once everyone is settled, complain that the exam room is too hot. Strip.
9. As soon as the invigilator hands you the exam, eat it.
21. Call the invigilator over. Point to a random question and ask them for the answer.
10. Every ten minutes, stand up and collect all your things. Move to another seat and Do not give in until you have the answer.
continue with the exam. If you run out of seats, ask to be moved to another exam 22. Try to get the people in the room to do a Mexican wave.
room. 23. Before the exam, arrange for deliveries of flowers, balloons, kissograms, etc. to
11. After 30 minutes, hand in your exam paper and walk out, complaining how easy it arrive every five minutes.
was. 24. Gradually dismantle every object within your reach. Desks and chairs are ideal
12. Bring a blank marker pen into the exam room. Black out all the questions, deface (no-one will notice... honest).
the answer booklet and hand everything back in. 25. Sit under your desk for the whole exam. If asked to move, whisper, “Shhh…
13. Refuse to fill in the front of your answer booklet until the invigilators can prove they’ll find me!”
they have signed the Official Secrets Act.

My name’s Ian Parks... And I’m... PIG-MUCK! Nottingham is the city for carnage!
SEXY!!! These are the
personals. Malibu loves whiskey... I know, Im gonna find all of my mates
OK. My opinion’s not changing on this who are actually good blokes and treat
one: Sam is get up! You gossip- We regret to inform you that this train them like s**t!

Hi babe, told you you could fit 2 people

meisters,you. has been delayed due to the wrong kind
of rain on the tracks. Who cares about material possessions,
into a battersea court shower and have BabyG is Vixxi’s bestest get up! obviously really shallow people!
fun, one to repeat methinks..... Gin and brandy, what a great idea!
Definition of lazy: getting a lift from How many people do we need to start
I sure would like to get into your Senate House car park to Austin Pearce! Wheres your phone gone!! a society? They’d all have to know the
knickers, V... what size are they? ground rules though!
How to pull the pickpockets in A joke is a lot funnier if it is subtle but I
Two drinks? TWO DRINKS?! Nottingham” by Jay and Malibu guess that requires some intelligence and and leave at 5am! we wouldn’t want to
intellect. stay until morning!
I got a reply! How do you like THEM My dog ate it’s own food bowl
noodles!? Paul Brazilian boy is pre pubescent. do you think theres enough who’d know
It’s either both of us or neither of us... the ground rules to start a society?
Matts Bidet - Major Clanger!! Drinking from the shower, classy!
Ok but i haven’t had sex for 3 months don’t forget the ground rules!! “ don’t
Poliovirus- The virus with the hole! Just because it was a good idea on lick my balls!”
Methinks sociologists should have Theres Something About Mary doesnt
Carlitos. You finally have her number. lessons in orange juice pouring mean that u have to try it! Tully has a new coat everyone!!! She’s
call her!! been yapping on about it all weekend!!
Natalie T is get-up! Sledge has an evil twin and he works on
Carl, i-luv-u baby and if its quite security! Moley, Moley, Moley, Moley,
alright... What?! Am i a clown am i here to make MOLEY!!!!!
you laugh?! Im gonna have to develop thick skin
floozie do you really need your own arent I Dont piss on my fire, FLYING
personal security guard for your room?” Shaggy, surely you should’ve gone to MONKEYS GONAD!
fetish night as Mr Rubber Lover! Better to have thick skin than just be
Go and feed the cat.
“Tug werent you wearing that last thick!
night?” Why can’t all pickpockets kiss that Don’t step on a duck. The Ultimate
well...and with tongue-studs too! The Taj Mahall a restaurant. Yes of
“Jonah -official netball team mascot, you course it was!
lucky boy” J-Team first....Jay and Malibu You know C++ c/w is taking over your
CHESNEYD in Nottingham!!!! Wanted: Dictionary for graduate who life when you find yourself discussing it
Winner - Honorary member of the can spell as well as an 8 year old with with the bathroom mirror!
USSU blonde society! I must stop getting chatted up by girls i dyslexia!
don’t fancy! You f*ckers are good
14 November 2002 SPORT & STARS 23
UniS squash suffer second defeat Nordic pole-walking class profile
It was a bad night which were 10 – 8. Nordic Pole Walking Burns about 400 calories per hour
for the Guildford The match was Walking at a moderate pace for 30-60 (compared with 280 calories per hour for
UniS Squash 1
based side who already over before minutes burns stored fat and can build normal walking)
Lee-on-solent 4
visited bottom of the the in-form Stacey muscle to speed up your metabolism. Poles are a safety factor on slippery
table Lee-on-Solent. Ross won his game Walking an hour a day is also associated surfaces
UniSPORT still without the injured Paul 3 – 1 against Mark Heather whose World with cutting your risk of heart disease, breast When: Tuesday’s | Time: 1.05 – 1.50pm
Johnson still had a chance to win the match ranking is 31 places higher and showed how cancer, colon cancer, diabetes and stroke. Where: Meet Senate ground floor
but for poor performances. World no. 9 valuable he is to the Guildford set-up even Time to work 1-hour walks into your busy entrance | Cost: Students - £2, Staff - £3
Fiona Geaves who has just returned from the when he plays higher up the order. lifestyle. (UniSPORT Cardholders Free)
World Open lost 3 – 0 to Vicky Botwright Last on court was Steve Meads who could Why walk with poles?
famous for wearing a thong in last years try and salvage some pride for UniSPORT. Heart rate is 5-17 beats/minute higher (for Half Price Courses
British Open. Fiona had never lost to Vicky Unfortunately this was not to be the case and example in normal walking heart rate is 130 Any spaces on courses which are midterm
before and on paper was a match we should Steve was swept aside in double quick time beats/minute and in Nordic Walking 147 can be offered to you at 1⁄2 price! Think
have won. against Bradley Ball who is 15 places behind beats/minute i.e increase is 13%) about Tai Chi (Monday’s - 6pm), Pilates
Former UniSPORT Guildford junior then Steve in the World rankings.All in all it was Energy consumption increases when using (Tuesday’s – 4.30pm) or Yoga (Wednesday’s
struck another blow by winning his match a night UniSPORT Guildford would like poles by an average of 20% compared with – 8pm).
against Eric McAlpine 3 – 0. Peter who is to forget and start thinking about the next ordinary walking
one of the best juniors in the world left for game on the 19th November away to local As much as 46% increase in energy Become a Trampoline Coach
Lee-on –Solent in the summer to play more rivals Chichester. The next home game is on consumption (Cooper Institute research, The annual coaching course based here at
regularly in the National League. Tuesday 3rd December against Broxbourne. Research Quarterly for Exercise and Sports UniSPORT will be taking place just before
Neil Frankland who again had to move For ticket information contact Ian Woodley 2002 publication) the new Spring semester – 15, 16,17 & 18
up the order due to Johnson’s absence also at the Varsity Centre tel. 683915 or email Releases muscle tension and pain in the January. If you have had some (a little is
lost 3 – 0 to Ben Howell but did show some neck and shoulder region all it needs) experience of trampolining
fight narrowly losing all three games two of The lateral mobility of the neck and spine and would like to become a coach please
increases significantly contact:
The muscles most actively involved are Ben Brennan Trampoline Club Chair –
the forearm extensor and flexor muscles or Sally Edie UniSPORT
the rear part of the shoulder muscles, the ext. 3917.
large pectoral muscles and the broad back This course is financially subscribed and
muscles. would give you the skills and qualifications
Does not aggravate joints and knees to teach the University, schools and
Reduces the load on knees of overweight throughout the community.


If your birthday is this week it’s words and predicting: daisy clay Cancer
guaranteed to be a good one. That Sagittarian housemate
Being away from your friends worth making an appearance at in the union on Monday. really does fancy you which will
and family at home does not necessarily mean doom and become evident during Chancellors Challenge! Prepare
gloom - it’s a chance to enjoy the company of new friends Pisces yourself to be serenaded as they prepare themselves to
by eating pizza and watching cheesy videos all night long. Aww, bless your cotton socks. Ever since that serenade you! If you’re not interested you better make
The addition of Malibu and Becks (one or the other, please) stunning 1st year waved you goodbye last week, yourself scarce over the weekend.
could also add much excitement. If it’s not your birthday promising to call, life hasn’t been the same
this week, do the same anyway and still have fun! for you. They never called you, and you didn’t get their Leo
number did you?! Life seems harsh but you really must get Phone home – your parents are becoming
Sagittarius back out there! Staying in bed and listening to Coldplay worried after 4 weeks with no word from you.
Remember not to leave your mobile phone on is not going to cheer you up. Who knows maybe you’ll be You insist on being permanently connected to
‘vibrate’ on top of your bedside cabinet this lucky this week…hmm, a luck rating of 2 (out of ten) is not the internet, rendering your phone line constantly engaged
week. A cup of caffeine (tea/coffee etc.) that you good, so maybe you should just listen to the radio instead. and being too lazy to have a proper look for you mobile
left on the floor by your bedside cabinet two weeks ago is phone after it went missing 2 weeks ago and the battery has
still there. You can guarantee that your phone will vibrate Aries since run out. Getting your friend to answer the phone and
its way into that cup if given half the chance. Please tidy Your recent outbursts really must stop. tell them you’re out just isn’t good enough. Remember, it’s
your room – the smell is beginning to cause illness among Housemates may have already started a petition only ‘cause they care!
your housemates. to have you sectioned. Ever since you bought
that orange inflatable chair the noises coming from your Virgo
room have really worried them. Tell them about the chair For the guys; your current laziness with regard
Capricorn before it gets out of hand. to facial hair may actually be proving to be a
This week your lucky colour is green. However, good move. It is possible that facial hair is the
eating cucumber or kiwi fruit is not a good idea, Taurus way forward for you this month. So continue neglecting to
no matter how tempting they may seem. Your This week the stars emphasise your need for shave and put up with any stubbly itching – you’re well on
creativity is at an all-time high so now is the time to put individuality so I shall give you the following your way to Mexican moustache paradise. For the girls; it is
your ideas onto paper - focus your energies into that essay information only; your lucky number is 314, very important that you ignore the above advise – growing
you’ve been dreading all week. Alternatively you could your lucky snack is Texan BBQ flavour Pringles, and your facial hair will not be the way forward for you this month I
sit by the lake with some water colours and an art easel, lucky item is a pair of tweezers - the rest is up to you! am afraid (and never will be in fact).
and try your hand at painting. Beware of the ducks though Oh, but don’t wear your lucky green socks as it will only
– they are still watching you. spell disaster. Libra
Will you go ahead with that new piercing? The
Aquarius Gemini stars only determine so much so it’s partly up
Look forward to interesting lectures this Enjoy your week – it is going to be fantastic! to you. However, you will feel yourself being
week as all Scorpion lecturers will be feeling Much partying is on the cards, everyone drawn towards beauty salons and such like as you leave
particularly aggressive towards you this week will love the new dance moves you have your house. You may even find yourself being pierced
as one of Saturn’s moons interferes with Neptune’s orbit. been working on, and a shopping trip to Tescos will be instead of being in lectures (naughty, naughty).
Asking 20 minutes into the lecture if the overhead projector enlightening. Make the most of this week’s fun as storm
is meant to be showing a blank screen will be a bad move. clouds could obscure Orion’s belt next week, causing a Our astrologers still haven’t gained any qualifications so
Best keep a low(ish) profile this week, although it will be serious risk to your favourite shoes. ust laugh at their predictions. Please.
24 14 November 2002

Surrey netballers face tough opposition
This weeks matches were awaited with By Beth Clark Wilson
apprehension by the Surrey teams, as both
opponents were known to be very good
University of Surrey 1st 23
Reading 42
Surrey firsts faced Reading, who were
top of the BUSA league, with Surrey in
second place. This was bound to produce University of Surrey 2nd 15
some tension on both sides. Surrey refused Brunel 71
to be put off by the rain, and did not give in
to pressure from Reading to call the game University of Surrey 3rd
off. The courts had been deemed suitable cancelled
for play by Varsity staff and the Surrey
firsts were eager to play the game. More
complaints came from Reading over the was not to be it! This game was somewhat
umpiring as they claimed one umpire “was friendlier than the firsts though! The score
not running the line properly”. There was was close throughout the first quarter but
no need for this as no ambiguous decisions it seemed that Brunel were just finding
had to be made as both teams played well their feet. With an unstoppable defense and
and within the rules. Reading continued shooters who did not miss a
to complain, even threatening to put in an
appeal after the game, despite the fact that
shot in the second half, Brunel proved an
exceptional team. Court chitchat revealed
Sports writer?
they actually won. Well good luck to them! that all the Brunel players had played at If you are interested in writing sports
Surrey seconds had an equally tough match. county level, and that was their third team! articles for barefacts, please email our
As they had not yet won a match they were Not that that is an excuse! Well done to all new sports editor, Eddison Ruswa on
looking (yet again!!) for their first win. This players anyway!

Mountain Walking Society go climbing in Wales

On Friday 25th October, the recently- By Michael Field King, turned up and we set off on the walk! up to the task. Not that he deserved it; who
rebranded Mountain Walking Society set off No foot-and-mouth calamities this year, would be daft enough to partake in a walk in
down the M4 to renew their acquaintance Park. We arrived at the Black Mountain so the central area of Brecon was open for one of the most exposed parts of the British
with some hills in South Wales. The Caravan Park at 11pm – just in time for last walking once more. We were to tackle an Isles without waterproofs?! Ahem…
journey was the usual fun experience, last orders in the adjacent pub! Pete, a member approx. 15km walk anti-clockwise around Safely in the bus, we returned to the caravan
year’s esteemed Leader Benneth having from last year, was already waiting for us the Neuadd Reservoirs, and this was the site, where Ben got more opportunity to
returned to do some more driving (and there, pint in hand - true to form. We boarded perfect day for it; clear skies and no rain practise his landscape gardening skills
celebrating his 20th trip!) Having survived the caravans and a rather easy wake-up time (!). Unfortunately the route did not take in honed in Scotland back in March, knocking
the usual passport scare at the Severn Bridge of 7am was set for the Saturday. the MWS’s favourite mountain, Fan-y-Big. over a large plant tub on the way in. Shaun’s
(someday someone WILL fall for it…) we Saturday dawned and despite Chairman A long, gradual incline along the Tor Glas promised foul weather finally turned up, but
entered the wilderness that is Wales. Shaun’s severe weather warnings, path culminated in the steep ascent of the we no longer cared, as the next phase of the
We soon felt at home however, when looked like being a damn fine day. Roger first peak of the day, a fairly modest 599m, trip was about to start – the drinking! The
we spotted our old friend Slow Araf as successfully compiled another of his but with a brilliant view of the stunning humble Cross Inn, staff of one, was engulfed
we ventured further into the bleakest of trademark fried breakfasts, before another Cwn Cynwyn valley (resident Welsh expert by our mass presence, and soon the arley
territories, the Brecon Beacons National of last year’s hardcore contingent, Simon Simon King on hand to offer assistance (ale!) started to flow. Drinking continued
with any tricky pronunciations). We then well into the early hours of Sunday morning
went up the picturesque Cribyn, and then (who needs closing times?), safe from the
the serious business started – up, down, up hurricane that was brewing outside. Many
down, over the two highest points of the games of pool and darts were played, but
Brecon Beacons. Lunch was taken at the by that time most were too drunk to care, or
pinnacle of the walk, Pen-y-Fan, weighing know, who had won.
in at a massive 886m. This provided ample Sunday was calm, but destruction reigned
opportunity for testing the gradient, which all around. Having made the wise decision
Tobi kindly took up, rolling an orange down to get out of Wales as early as possible, we
the hill for our enjoyment. Many other spent a few hours in Gloucester; a place few
groups of walkers, some even surpassing of us had been, and also quite possibly a
our own respectable 15 in number, were out place we would not want to return to again.
on the mountains enjoying possibly the last Some last-ditch fun on the roundabouts in
good day of the year. Swindon, and we arrived back in Guildford
The descent, over the Craig Gwaun Taf at 5:30pm, a fun time having been had by all.
and Graig Fan Ddu (I could be making this Thanks must surely go to returning members
up, couldn’t I? Are you going to check?) Simon and Pete, Shaun for organising a fine
plateaux was a very enjoyable 3-mile stroll walk, Ben for driving, and also to everyone
on terrain angled perfectly for walking for whom it was their first trip: Greg, Amy,
(i.e. down), then we returned to the ‘bus Cyrill, Denise, Litao, Mary-Anne, hope to
via a muddy scramble down the Gwaun see you again soon!
Taf valley. It was still only 2:30pm, so If you’re interested in joining in the fun
we visited a nearby waterfall too – a good of the Mountain Walking Society, come to a
chance to test out any unproven waterproofs meeting (Wednesdays, 1pm, TB10) or visit
on offer by walking behind this monstrous the website for more information:
wall of water. Jamie’s borrowed Poncho
(courtesy of Marie-Anne) proving to be well