Facilitating a Meeting When

Ambushed by Self-Oriented
Behavior
Or Bringing It Back to “Us”

Tony Page

Abstract: In an era when individualistic—some say “narcis-

sistic”—behavior is prevalent and contagious, a f­acilitator
needs to steer sensibly, rather than o
­ verreact, particularly
through “high stakes” moments when e ­ xperienced lead-
ers are stumbling and propelling their meeting toward a
precipice. Reflection on one such ­crisis illuminated how a
“dance of reciprocity”, deeply ingrained in us since birth,
shows us how to bring e ­ veryone back on track.

Key words: Consultancy, Psychology, Reflective

learning, Workshop facilitation

Introduction
It was bound to be a rocky road. The leaders of this
­organization were threatened by the imminent removal of
funding. I was invited to facilitate their workshop, t­oward
Tony Page, an independent facilitator,
achieving greater impact, while steering well clear of
coach, and psychologist, also writes the alarming funding challenge, because time was short
professional articles and books (Diary of and the topic was being thoroughly addressed elsewhere.
a Change Agent, 1996, Gower; Creating When the dramatic moment duly arrived and forced a
Leadership: How to Change Hippos
­difficult choice, I had nothing to rely on but instinct. We
into Gazelles, 2018, BEP). His third
book, Secret Box, Searching for Dad in got through it, but afterwards my growing doubts about
a Century of Self, 2018, Telling Stories, where the leaders had landed brought me eventually to the
shining a personal light on our hidden concept of “reciprocity” as a route to understanding. This
potentials, is to be published in 2018. produced a new set of insights and lessons for facilitators.

The High-Stakes Moment

It was 9 am on the third and final day of a workshop in
Delhi. For two days, we’d been making good p ­ rogress
­toward achieving the objectives. I was i­ntroducing the
day’s agenda, when a participant, let’s call him X, leapt up,
red-faced and animated, to make the case for d ­ iscussing
Funding. X’s move was not entirely ­unexpected because
I’d heard whispering about his l­obbying the ­previous
night in the bar. With an already long list of agreed

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 Facilitating a Meeting When Ambushed by Self-Oriented Behavior
topics to cover, which excluded Funding
for reasons everyone understood (or so I
­believed), X’s p ­ roposal was an ambush that
jeopardized our chances of completing the
­program. E ­ xperience as a facilitator (Good-
win and Page, 2018) told me that the Fund-
ing ­discussion was an emotional topic that
no person present could influence. That
was why it had been explicitly ruled out.
A tense silence greeted X’s proposal and
I believed it was my job as a f­acilitator to
bring them through the impasse. These
45  leaders of a global n ­ on-governmental
­organization (NGO for short), from 20 ­different
­countries across Africa, Asia, and Europe,
were jointly responsible for creating the
NGO’s strategy. I reminded them that
they had carefully ­co-designed the agenda.
I  asked them to choose ­between the two
options: sticking to their agreed agenda
without covering ­Funding (as ­previously
agreed), or ­squeezing in Funding and sacri-
ficing one of the agreed ­topics. I wanted to
treat them as adults, but this was difficult
because I ­believed X’s proposal was selfish
and laden with risks.
My invitation to choose produced a scat-
tering of remarks. ­Someone shouted “Stick
to the agenda!” but then X repeated his
case for funding, and I saw his eyes dart-
ing madly. I felt my jaw clench, ready for
a fight. I took deep breaths to stay calm.
Someone at the back muttered “Read your
emails!” implying X hadn’t, and X’s strong
body language c­onfirmed his refusal to
back down. When someone shouted “We’re
wasting time,” their colleague with a groan
of weary r­esignation said: “Let’s just get on
with it.” With that ­someone stood up to lead
the d ­ iscussion, and no one opposed. I didn’t
feel I had a place a­ nymore, except to offer
them 90 minutes, and to request they close
the topic before the 10:45 am ­morning break.
I wrote off the first half of the m
­ orning and
inwardly I was tormented with a crippling
question: “How has X beaten his 45 ­colleagues
into submission, and pulled the rug from
under me?”
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After the 90 minutes, I called time, and
the discussion leader closed the topic as
agreed. We all walked to the refreshments
with frustrations and questions pouring out
of us: “How did we let this happen?” “What
did we actually achieve?” “Is this how we
collaborate?” “What have we sacrificed?”
“What price will we have to pay?”
Hearing this, I had no doubt the ­meeting
was falling apart. I’d lost my place and
worse than that, I didn’t know what to
do next. I returned early to the meeting
room for a few quiet moments to mentally
replay the workshop so far. It went like
this . . .
In the Beginning . . .
On the morning of Day 1, the workshop
­began in earnest on when I presented the
leadership team with its two agreed upon
framing questions:
■■ If this team is a village, what kind of v
­ illage
are we being?
■■ How are we each taking up our roles in
this village?
I wanted to encourage give-and-take, b­ ecause
the 45 leaders recognized their t­ endency as
individuals to try to save the world in their
own way, and they often ­preferred talking
to ­listening. No one wanted to get off to a
bad start. I offered to p ­ rovide the group with
­challenge and support. I asked for ­volunteers
to help ­co-facilitate the s­ essions, and received
­several offers. After ­self-introductions and
sharing e ­ xpectations, I restated our ­purpose
for the meeting: “to collaborate as a team
toward tackling the NGO’s top c­ hallenges.”
I reminded them to build on their successes so
far, and asked them to work flexibly ­together
toward even greater global impact.
Then we got down to work, allocating
tasks to small groups. My contribution was to
ask good questions, drawing out the ­unsaid,
­toward insights and decisions from the group
as a whole. The energizer after lunch was in
the style of Tai Chi, standing together at the
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 Facilitating a Meeting When Ambushed by Self-Oriented Behavior

far end of the meeting room, rubbing our
tummies, taking deep breaths, swinging our
arms in dramatic moves to throw off the toxic
energies. In the closing minute, we balanced
on a cloud, breathing deeply while gently
swaying left and right. It was so relaxing that
no one wanted to stop (Figure 1).
Happy chatter accompanied us as we
moved to a large circle of chairs for a
­reflective dialogue. I gave the briefing:
■■ We are taking one minute in silence to
reflect on our “village” with two focus
questions
1. How are we taking up our roles?
2. What are our feelings and needs?
■■ Next, rather than come to answers, we
want you to explore these two questions,
­listening carefully to extend your awareness
ready for the working sessions that follow.
After the silence I said: “Begin!” My heart
was thumping, because no one knew where
this would take us, and there was no Plan B.
Someone began gently and t­ entatively. Then
they took turns with each person building
on the last. Over the next 90 minutes, every
single person in that circle of 45 spoke at
least once. Their insights were shared, with a
growing sense of understanding, and a healthy
tendency to self-criticism. I learned that this
“village” has tidy little front gardens on public
view, which everyone thinks are inadequate,
but there is a yearning to speak of remark-
able and “illegal” things that happen in their
huge and bustling back gardens. At the end,
this gave everyone a richer picture. I was told
such an open session had never happened
before, and I glowed with satisfaction, until,
disapointingly, someone whispered in my
ear that certain issues were being held back.
We carried that enriched ­understanding
into the rest of the afternoon. The l­eaders
made “Discovery Calls” using Skype, to
partner organizations and c­ olleagues across
three continents, and unearthed some real
and tricky issues to feed into the working
groups on the second morning.
On the second afternoon another energizer
had the leaders close their eyes and breathe
deeply, planting their feet firmly, scanning
through their bodies to let go of t­ension.
Calmed and rebalanced, they ­returned to the
circle of chairs for r­ eflective dialogue, which
I introduced with a direct question:
■■ How are we actually working together
here in Delhi?

Figure 1: A Tai Chi Energizer

Source: Flickr We Are Essex, Tai Chi Demonstration. Licence:

Creative Commons (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/
by/2.0/).

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