The importance of being able to say no

There is no doubt that in our collective lexicon, the word ‘no’ has gotten a fairly
bad rap. It is considered subversive, impertinent, impudent and impolite. A flat-out no to
your school principal for instance, or even to your parents could land you in quite a bit of
trouble. That is why it is often replaced with milder euphemisms in the hopes to exhibit
expediency. However, whether the use of the word is appropriate or not primarily
depends on the context in which it is being said. The word no can save you from a variety
of unreasonable commitments, and in this way it is a force which allows your true
feelings about a particular decision to come forward. It is also true however, that the
word ‘no’ connotes so much more than what cultural norms allow it to stand for. Even
the foundations of Islam are grounded in one initial, resounding No, which carried the
mission for seeking Truth forward when it was addressed to the norms of the pre-Islamic
era of Ignorance. The first Kalimah, the initial stepping stone on the path to submission to
the Creator begins with the Arabic word for negation: ‘La’. So, can the word No be seen
as a battle-cry for Truth? This certainly seems to be the case if we look at the basis of
scientific research, which kicks off when a hypothesis ends up refuting existing beliefs.
Now a very different picture of the word no is coming forward but let us not stop here.
Taking it one step higher, according to the monotheistic world view, did this entire
confusing and convoluted saga of human life not begin with a negation? It can be argued
that we wouldn’t be here pondering over this very statement, had it not been for someone
present on the seventh Heaven at the dawn of eternity, who had the audacity to utter the
word ‘no’.

Social psychology asserts that societies operate in a way which strives to maintain
order. Cultural norms are cemented in this psychological backdrop. That must not be
taken pejoratively, since there are certainly many behavioral aspects present in culture
and heritage which must be preserved and promoted. Obedience to authority is one of
them, and our entire social fabric depends on well-entrenched social hierarchies which
ensure stability and order in our daily lives. That is why even the most liberal of modern
business models, will contend with the fact that there must be one leader at the top of
every organization. Similarly in the world, our countries, companies, institutions and
families have one person leading the show. What impact would such a leader’s authority
have if every Tom, Dick and Harry ends up refusing and denying the leader’s directives?
There would be anarchy, confusion and a complete disintegration of law and order.
Everyone would be free to do whatever one likes and there would be no force that could
regulate every individual’s self -centered designs. That is why the word No, has largely
evolved to acquire pejorative connotations.

Moreover, most human societies are culturally rich as they have evolved from
centuries-old civilizations which have seen a remarkable development of morals,
principles and values. Such cultures follow an open-hearted policy of interpersonal
interactions and look upon refusals as impolite and inconsiderate. The centuries-old guest
right that has been available to the traveller in the deserts of Arabia is one such example.
Muhammad Asad writes in Road to Mecca, how he was highly impressed when, alone
and helpless in his travels around the Arabian peninsula, he could find shelter and refuge
in homes of complete strangers who never refused to offer their help. Thus, for such
cultures, saying no is considered contrary to entrenched social practices.

In light of such examples it may seem as if the word No is a cultural taboo that
must never be used. However, that is not the case. The importance of saying no lies in a
simple litmus test where one must determine whether saying no is warranted in a
particular situation. Let’s extend this by using the same example of open-hearted cultural
practices. It is ironic how such cultures can, in a way, become too open hearted for their
own good as well. In such instances one must know when to refuse a request. The Iranian
notion of etiquette, called Taarof, is one such example so entrenched in Iranian lifestyles
that they have had to put instructions about it on their official tourism website in order to
prevent tourists from ending up in embarrassing situations. The simplest way to explain
Taarof is that it involves a person insisting on doing someone a favor and the other
person repeatedly declining it. This means that if you’re invited by a family and then
insisted upon to stay the night as a guest at their place, you should know that it is only
being asked out of courtesy and you should politely refuse. Saying no can often save you
from difficult situations, for yourself and for other people.

The word no certainly does have an important place in our holistic functioning as
human beings. Someone who is simply a Yes man is not truly valued in society, and is
often considered sycophantic and taken advantage of. Moreover, agreeing to what
everyone requests from you can land you with a pile of burdens which can become a
source of much anxiety. In such situations, a simple ‘no’ can go a long way in alleviating
potential worries. A single moment in which one says ‘no’, can lead to a much longer
period of solace; as goes the phrase: ‘Ik naa tay so sukh’, which can be found in the
indigenous Sufi philosophy of the Indo-Pakistan region.

The word No is also a beginning. It is a battle-cry with which one charges towards
the Truth, after questioning an age-old entrenched belief system. That is certainly what
the scientific method is based on. Hypotheses come up and are tested and it is when a
hypothesis is declared void that further research becomes imperative. That ‘No’, is what
propels the scientist back to the books and back to the laboratory so that he or she can
generate further ideas to be tested.

Islam too, finds its roots in the refusal of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) to agree to
the belief system of his ancestors. That refusal led him to the isolated cave of Hira in
order to seek the Truth. Thus started a complete, spiritual and material revolution which
toppled the existing structure of society and established a system grounded in morality,
human rights, equality and justice. That revolution would not have been possible without
an out-right negation of the existing norms in society. This negation is epitomized by the
first Kalimah of Islam, which begins with the clause: “there is no God”. That is a
negation. But it does not stop there. It is followed by the clause “but Allah”, which is the
affirmation. This is what Sultan Bahu refers to as ‘Nafi-Asbaat’ in his famous poem ‘Alif
Allah Chambay di Booti’. Nafi Asbaat, or the negation followed by an affirmation
becomes a symbol of Islam in his poetry. Thus we can say that a negation should not be
taken as an end. It is a beginning which sparks up future prospects of growth and
regeneration which can bring Man closer to fulfilling his destiny.

While we are on the subject of Man’s destiny, did that too not begin with a
negation? In fact was it not, according to monotheistic tradition, the ‘ultimate negation’
which began the saga of Man’s destiny, his fall from the heavens to the Earth and the
trials and tribulations of life? All would have been hunky-dory if, just like the multitude
of angels, Iblis too had prostrated before Adam. All would have been well; we humans
would live without a care in the world with our fruit-orchards and streams running with
milk. Iblis would have continued to enjoy his exalted position among the denizens of the
seventh heaven as well. Instead he disgraced himself and was forever cursed to run the
fiery realms of Hell. Iqbal beautifully pens a hypothetical encounter between Angel
Jibrail and Iblis, where the former laments to the latter:

Kho Diye Inkaar Se Tu Ne Maqamat-e-Buland

Chashm-e-Yazdaan Mein Farishton Ki Rahi Kya Abroo!

[You gave up exalted positions when you said “No.”

The angels too were disgraced in front of God!]

The glib-tongued Iblis quickly retorts:

Hai Meri Jurraat Se Musht-e-Khak Mein Zauq-e-Namoo

Mere Fitne Jama-e-Aql-o-Khirad Ka Taar-o-Poo

[With my boldness I make this handful of dust rise up.

My mischief weaves the garment that reason wears.”]

 Gar kabhi Khalwat Mayassir Ho To Puch Allah Se

Qissa-e-Adam Ko Rangeen Kar Gya Kis Ka Lahoo!

[If you are ever alone with God, ask Him:

Whose blood coloured the story of Adam?]

It was that No which colored the story of Adam and which eventually led up to life
as we know it.

Thus, the word No is a beginning. It is a force that can propel one forward as long
as one realizes that it is not an end but a means to an end. Perhaps, what is agreed upon
today may not be agreed upon tomorrow, and thus a cycle repeats itself in which Man
continues to improve his condition. In everyday life, however, the context matters; and
cultural norms may require one to respond in the affirmative despite not wanting to do so.
However, when humanity’s development and the fulfillment of human destiny is at stake,
the least we can do is exercise our mental faculties to continuously question entrenched
concepts, even if the answer may exclusively be compelling us to say ‘No’.

Muhammad Ali Zafar

25.10.17