Strategies to help you deal with bullying

Guidance for children/young people

The following strategies may be useful to you if you are being bullied. You need
to practice using them.

Technique called “Fogging”

• An assertiveness technique that allows people to handle and cope with insults.
• Reduces possibility of insults escalating.
• It involves agreeing with the bully as far as you are able.
• For the technique to work, we have to:
o Provide the minimum entertainment value for the insulter
o Help the victim to feel more powerful and in control and the insulter
correspondingly less so
• Idea is that it is better to stand your ground than to avoid a confrontation
• Relies on non-verbal behaviour being appropriate to reinforce verbal message
i.e. Maintaining eye contact
Speaking clearly and firmly
Not fidgeting
Standing in a relaxed position

• The suggestion is that “by acting brave, we can get to feel brave”
• Fogging relies on a simple script e.g.
That’s true
That might be true
I can see why you think that’s true
That’s your opinion

• Generally, a response from the top of the diamond is the most effective since it sounds like
the highest level of agreement e.g.

Bully: “You have great big ears”.

Victim: “That’s true. I do have big ears.” (Fogging)

Bully: “They stick out and flap in the wind”.

Victim: “It’s true they stick out”. (Fogging)

• Such a response offers little encouragement to the bully to continue

• Denial tends to encourage the bully to double the attack

Strategies for dealing with bullying for children and young people 1
Rita Adair, Senior Educational Psychologist, Norfolk County Council
Another technique is called “Negative Enquiry”

Bully: “Your clothes are old and scruffy. I bet your parents are too poor to buy you
decent clothes.”

Victim: “I can see why you think that’s true”. (Fogging)

“What’s wrong with being poor?” (Negative Enquiry)

Bully: “You’ve got a frigging answer for everything.”

Victim: “That’s certainly true.” (Fogging)

Taken from information provided by Northern Mediation Centre

ICTT – a strategy for keeping you cool

1. IGNORE – if you can manage to ignore a person who is winding you up and not give them
the reaction they want they will eventually give up and stop – usually.

2. Stay CALM – this will help you ignore the person – time to take deep breaths, count to ten
or try other methods of staying cool.

3. TELL – tell the person they are annoying you, calmly and assertively but not angrily, they
may not even realise they are making you mad

4. TELL THE ADULT IN CHARGE – if all the above has failed this is your final chance to stay
in control and not get into trouble yourself

……………………………..

VISUALISATION – another thing to do when someone or some others are calling you
names/trying to wind you up.

• Imagine the words they are using are darts or arrows as they come towards you they whiz
past but do not hit you.

• Imagine you are in a thick fog – the things this person, or these people are saying are
getting lost in the fog and don’t reach you.

• Imagine you have a large shield in front of you (a great big Roman or Viking shield would
be good) and that the words get stopped or deflected before they reach you.

Strategies for dealing with bullying for children and young people 2
Rita Adair, Senior Educational Psychologist, Norfolk County Council
POSITIVE “SELF TALK” – something to try in any situation when you can feel that you are
getting angry and you want to regain control

Prepare and memorise/learn a number of words or phrases to use when you your “alarm bells”
begin to ring

These might include:

”I can hack this”

”I’m in control”

”I’ve been here before and I can handle it”

”Super cool”

”Cut the fuse”

These are examples but it’s probably best to think up your own.

When you do start to feel cross, and your alarm bells do start to ring, repeat the word or phrase
over and over.

Used at the same time as using one of the relaxation techniques you know this can be a very
powerful and useful strategy.

…………………………..

PLANNED AGREEMENT – a strategy for defusing the situation when someone is calling
you names – making unkind remarks about you

• If someone is calling you names they are usually trying to get a reaction from you.
Sometimes just ignoring them doesn’t seem to work

• If you can give them a reaction, but not quite the one they are expecting, it can “take the
wind out of their sails” and even make them feel silly – turning the tables completely

• One thing that can work is if you plan, in your head, to actually agree with what they’re
saying.

For example – if someone starts calling you smelly you might say – “Yes I am aren’t I?” if
someone says your trainers are “skanky” you might say – “Yeah, they’re grotty aren’t
they?” and so on.

It doesn’t mean you do actually agree – you know inside what they’re doing – but it can
make them stop and think and maybe feel a bit stupid in front of whomever they’re
probably trying to impress.

Strategies for dealing with bullying for children and young people 3
Rita Adair, Senior Educational Psychologist, Norfolk County Council
“SLOW, DEEP BREATHING” and “COUNTING”

Although these may seem very simple they can often be one of the most effective ways of
keeping cool.

Practice them so they become almost automatic when you begin to feel angry.

Breathing

To the count of 1 – 2 – 3 (to yourself) breathe in slowly and deeply – try to fill your lungs with air

To the count of 1 – 2 – 3 hold your breath

To the count of 1 – 2 – 3 slowly breathe out

Repeat, over and over, about ten times

Counting

Can be done by itself but probably most effective when combined with deep breathing

As soon as you begin to feel angry/begin to bet wound up (be aware of your “alarm bells”)
count, under your breath, slowly and steadily, from 1 to 10 (or 20 if you like) – counting
backwards 10, 9, 8, 7 etc. is sometimes even more useful.

Remember with assertive techniques

a) Focus on those insults you have difficulty coping with.
b) Think about how you handle the situation.
c) Consider role-playing the above.
d) Explore how you feel when you are insulted.
e) Examine which responses seem to encourage the bully.
f) Write the script for using Fogging.
g) Practice the technique through role-play.
h) Consider the appropriate tone of voice and body language needed to make the response
effective.
i) As with any skill, it takes practice to be good. Keep practising. It does work!

Strategies for dealing with bullying for children and young people 4
Rita Adair, Senior Educational Psychologist, Norfolk County Council