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Republic of the Philippines

UNIVERSITY OF EASTERN PHILIPPINES
University Town, Catarman, Northern Samar

Graduate Studies
SUBJECT: EDUC. 823: Social Psychology
TOPICS: CHAPTER 11: Attraction and Intimacy—Liking and Loving Others
-What enables close relationships?
-How do relationships end?
NAME: GERAMY B. ESPIÑA, MATSS
PROFESSOR: LIGAYA HERNANDEZ MORALLOS, Ph. D.
DATE PRESENTED: 7:00-10:00am, (SATURDAY)
Love makes us whole, again. -Plato
Love is escape from our loneliness - Bertrand Arthur William Russell (noble prize winner)
Love is a misleading affliction. -Buddha
Love lets us reach beyond ourselves. -Simone de Beauvoir (French feminist and existentialist and novelist)

WHAT ENABLES CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS?

Relationships have three main components:
1. Attachment
2. Equity
3. Self- disclosure

ATTACHMENT
– The desire for another’s presence and emotional support. It is a powerful survival impulse. Intimate attachments
to other human beings are the hub around which a person’s life revolves. From these intimate attachments people draw
strength and enjoyment of life.

Three major styles of attachment:

1. Secure – Attachments rooted in trust and marked by intimacy (A sense of bonding).

Secure adults find it easy to get close to others and don’t fret about getting too dependent or being
abandoned.
2. Avoidant – marked by extreme separation anxiety. Relationship style marked by dismissive detachment.
Avoidant adults avoid closeness and tend to be less invested in relationships and more likely to
leave them. They are more likely to engage in relationships without love. They may be fearful (“I
am uncomfortable getting close to others”) or dismissing (“It is very important to me to feel
independent and self- sufficient”).
3. Insecure (Anxious-Ambivalent)– Attachments marked by anxiety, ambivalence(Mixed feelings or emotions) and
possessiveness. They cannot decide if they want to be close or not.
Anxious-Ambivalent adults are less trusting, therefore more possessive and jealous. They may
break up repeatedly with the same person. When discussing conflicts, they get emotional and often
angry.

Anxious-Ambivalent AND Avoidant styles result from child’s temperament (usual mood) and parenting style.

Effects Of Attachment Styles When They Become Adult:

 Children with secure attachment show much greater social competence. Easier to get close to people and have no
fear of abandonment.
 Anxious-ambivalent children show great uncertainty responding to others. Marked by a poor self-image, insecure
in relationships and fear rejection.
 Avoidant children often have negative views of others and avoid intimacy. Reluctant to trust.
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EQUITY
-A condition in which the outcomes people receive from a relationship are proportional to what they contribute to
it. NOTE: Equitable outcomes needn’t always be equal outcomes. Relationships (love) is the most subtle kind of self-
interest.

Long- Term equity— this principle explains why people usually bring equal assets to relationships. In romantic
relationships, often they are matched for attractiveness, status, intelligence and so forth. If they are mismatched in one area
such as attractiveness, they tend to be mismatched in some other areas such as status. But in total asset, they are equitable
match.
Perceived Inequity— Thinking one contributes more to a relationship and receives less than one’s partner. This leads to
distress and dissatisfaction.

SELF-DISCLOSURE
-Revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others. As a relationship grows, self-disclosing partners reveal
more and more of themselves to each other. Their knowledge of each other penetrates to deeper and deeper levels until it
reaches an appropriate depth.

Disclosure reciprocity effect—We reveal more to those who have been open with us. By dropping our masks, letting
ourselves be known as we are, nurtures love. Trust and intimacy are the rewards of self-disclosure.
Relationship is an overlapping of selves—you become part of me, I became part of
you. The essence of relationship is having two (or more) people connecting,
US
other disclosing, and identifying with each other; two (or more) selves, each retaining
self their individuality yet sharing activities, delighting in similarities and mutually
supporting differences.

Passion
 A state of extreme absorption with and desire for another
 Intense feelings – sexual desire, then vacillating from anxiety to ecstasy
 wide-spread physiological arousal
 Typically hits fast
 Logic is pushed aside
 Can lead to premature commitments Or, the big fade
 Fuels romantic feelings and desire for sexual interaction and unification
 Similar to an addiction, intensity causes a powerful craving
Commitment
 The cognitive aspect
 A conscious decision to love another
 The choice to maintain a relationship despite challenges
Passionate love develops rapidly and intensely, then declines. Intimacy and commitment grow. If they don’t, the drop in
passion likely signals the relationship’s end.
LABELS:
 Infatuation – just passion
 Empty (love) – commitment only
 Companionate – intimacy & commitment
 Romantic – passion & intimacy
 Consummate – love that has it all

Research shows that:

1) the presence of intimacy and commitment predict stability and duration,
2) married have more commitment
3) intimacy continually rises in long term relationships
4) passion drops more sharply for women
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WHAT ENABLES TWO INDIVIDUALS (OR MORE) TO BE CLOSE?

1. PROXIMITY
 Geographic nearness
 The Mere Exposure Effect – repeated contact with novel stimuli tends to increase liking for the stimuli
 People also tend to meet in locations engaging in activities that reflect common interests – the NHSLS confirms
this
 Work and school – offer much time shared together and many shared common interests
 Frequent chances to appraise and predict

2. SIMILARITY
 Lovers often share beliefs, values, attitudes, interests and intellect
 Usually they have similar levels of physical attractiveness
 Homophily – tendency to have relationships with those of equal education, social status, age, religion, etc.
3. RECIPROCITY
 We tend to like people who like us
 Couples who show equal levels of affection last longer
4. PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
 Attractive people ate both sought as friends and lovers and perceived as possessing many desired qualities
 We like to look at them
 We think they have more to offer
 We like being seen with them
 Maybe they are more confident
 We think they are healthier
 Men, world-wide, are especially influenced by physical attractiveness in particular youth and healthiness.
But as time goes on the importance of beauty fades

HOW DO RELATIONSHIPS END?

DIVORCE
o Divorce rates have varied widely by country, ranging from .01% of the population annually in Bolivia, Philippines
and Spain to 4.7% in the world’s most divorce-prone country—the United States.
o Individualistic Cultures (Where love is a feeling and people ask, “What does my heart say?”) have MORE divorce
than do Communal Cultures ( where love entails obligation and people ask, “ What will other people say?”)
o Individualists marry “as long as they shall love?, while collectivists more often for life.
o Risk of divorce also depends on who marries whom.
o People usually stay married if they:
 Married after age 20.
 Both grew up in a stable homes.
 Dated for a long while before marriage.
 Are well and similarly educated.
 Enjoy a stable income from a good job.
 Live in a small town or on a farm.
 Did not cohabit or become pregnant before marriage.
 Are religiously committed.
 Are of similar age, faith, and education.

None of these predictors, by itself, is essential to a stable marriage. But if none of these things is true for someone, marital
breakdown is an almost bet. If all are true, they are very likely to stay together until death.

THE DETACHMENT PROCESS

-Severing the bonds produces a predictable sequences of agitated preoccupation with the lost partner,
followed by deep sadness (and/or anger), and eventually the beginnings of emotional detachment and a return to normal
living.

Detachment is a PROCESS, not an event.

o The closer and longer the relationship and the fewer the available alternatives, the more painful the breakup.
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o People recall more pain over spurning someone’s love than over having been spurned. Their distress arises from
guilt over hurting someone, from upset over the heartbroken lover’s persistence, or from uncertainty over how to
respond.

o Caryl Rusbutt and her colleagues (1986, 1987, 1998) have explored THREE WAYS of coping with a failing
relationship. These are:
 Loyalty
By waiting for conditions to improve. When the problems are too painful to speak of and the risk
of separation are too great, “loyal partner” perseveres, hoping the good old days will return.
 Neglect(especially men)
They ignore the partner and allow the relationship to deteriorate. When painful dissatisfactions are
ignored, the “neglect partners” talk less and begin redefining their lives without each other.
 Voice out
They take active steps to improve the relationship by discussing problems, seeking advice, and
attempting to change.
o Unhappy couples often disagree, command, criticize, and put down while happy couples more often agree,
approve, assent, and laugh.
o In successful marriage, positive interactions (smiling, touching, complimenting, and laughing) outnumbered
negative interactions (sarcasm, disapproval and insults) by at least a five to one ratio.