PART 4 – TRANSATIONAL ANALYSIS, ASSERTIVENESS, AND

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
4.1 Transactional Analysis
Ego States
Types of Transactions
Life Positions and Stroking
4.2 Assertiveness
Passive Behavior
Aggressive Behavior
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Assertive Behavior
4.3Conflict Management
Types and Sources of Conflict
Conflict Management Styles
Resolving Conflicts with the Collaborating Style

The chapter name may appear that we will be discussing three unrelated topics.
However, this is not the case. The major theme of these topics is the development of
interpersonal dynamic skills. This chapter focuses on dealing with our emotions and those
of others in an effective way. When we interact with people, we respond (transactional
analysis); we can let people push us around or we can stand up for our rights
(assertiveness). When we are in disagreement with others (conflict) we can decide to
ignore or resolve our differences. Being able to transact with people on the appropriate
level, assertively stand up for our rights, and resolve our conflicts without hurting human
relations will improve our effectiveness in organizations and in our personal lives. Let's
begin our interpersonal development skills learning with transactional analysis.

4.1. Transactional Analysis

Eric Berne developed transactional analysis (TA) back in the 1950s, and it became
popular in the 1960s when he published best-selling books on the topic in 1961 1 and 19642.
Thomas Harris published a TA book in 19693.
Transactional analysis is a method of understanding behavior in interpersonal
dynamics. It is the study of social transactions and communications. A transaction occurs
when we interact. When we talk to someone about anything, we are involved in
interpersonal dynamics, and a series of transactions can take place.
Organizations have trained their employees in TA to improve their ability to handle
difficult personal situations. Studying TA can help you to better understand people's behavior,
and how to deal with emotions in a more positive way. With the aid of TA, you should be
better able to maintain a positive attitude and keep communications open.
In this section we will discuss the three ego states, types of transactions, and life positions
and stroking.

4.1.1 Ego States

According to Berne, we all have three major ego states that affect our behavior or the
way we transact. The three ego states are the parent, child, and adult.

1
Eric Berne, Transational Analysis in Psychoterapy, New York: Grove Press, 1961
2
Eric Berne, Games People Play, New York, Grove Press, 1964
3
Thomas Harris, I`am OK-You`re OK: A Practical Guide to Transational Analysis, New York, Harper & Row,
1969.
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 We change ego states throughout the day, and even during a discussion a series of
transactions can take place between different ego states. Your parent, child, and adult ego
states interact with other people's parent, child, and adult ego states. Understanding the ego
state of the person you are interacting with can help you to understand his or her behavior
and how to transact in an effective way. We will discuss the three ego states separately.

4.1.1.1 Parent Ego State

When the parent ego state is in control people behave from one of two
perspectives:
1. Critical parent. When we behave and respond with evaluative responses that are
critical, judgmental, opinionated, demanding, disapproving, disciplining, etc., we are in the
critical parent ego state. People in the critical parent ego state use a lot of "do's" and
"don'ts." Managers using the autocratic style tend to be in the critical parent ego state
because they use high task/directive behavior.
2. Sympathetic parent. On the other hand, we can also be a different type of parent.
When we behave and respond with reassuring responses that are protecting, permitting,
consoling, caring, nurturing, etc., we are in the sympathetic parent ego state. Managers
using the consultative and participative styles tend to be in the sympathetic parent state
because they are using high supportive/relationship behavior.

4.1.1.2 Child Ego State

When the child ego state is in control, people behave from one of two perspectives:
1. Natural child. When we behave and respond with probing responses that show
curiosity, intimacy, fun, joyfulness, fantasy, impulsiveness, etc., we are in the
natural child ego state. Successful managers do not tend to continuously operate
from the natural child ego state.
2. Adapted child. When we behave and respond with confronting responses that
express rebelliousness, anger, fear, anxiety, inadequacy, procrastination, blaming others,
etc., we are in the adapted child ego state. Managers should avoid behaving from the
adapted child ego state because this type of behavior often leads to the employee
becoming emotional and behaving in a similar manner. When managers are transacting
with an employee in this ego state they should be aware of it and not react with similar
behavior. They should be in the adult ego state.

4.1.1.3. Adult Ego State

When the adult ego state is in control, people behave in a thinking, rational,
calculating, factual, unemotional manner. The adult gathers information, reasons things out,
estimates probabilities, and makes decisions with cool and calm behavior.
Generally, the most effective behavior, human relations, and performance come from
the adult ego state. However, there are times when everyone is out of the adult ego state.
When interacting with others, we should be aware of their ego state. Are they acting like a
parent, child, or adult? When identifying ego states we must not only listen to the verbal
message, we must read the nonverbal communication as well. Identifying their ego state will
help us understand why they are behaving the way they are and determine which ego state
we should use during the interaction. For example, if the person is acting like an adult, we
most likely should, too. If the person is acting like a child, it may be appropriate to act like a
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parent rather than an adult. And there are times when it is appropriate to act out of the child
ego state and have a good time.

4.1.2 Types of transactions

Within ego states we can make three different types of transactions. The three types of
transactions are complementary, crossed, and ulterior. We will discuss each separately.

4.1.2.1 Complementary transactions

A complementary transaction occurs when the sender of the message gets the intended
response from the receiver. For example, an employee makes a mistake and, wanting some
sympathy, apologizes to the boss. Employee-"I just dropped the thing when I was almost
done. Now I have to do it all over again. I'm sorry." Supervisor-"It happens to all of us; don't
worry about it." This complementary transaction is illustrated below.

Supervisor Employee

P
P

A A

C C

Another example of a complementary transaction is a supervisor who wants a job

done and delegates it, expecting the employee to do it. The supervisor behaves on an adult-to-
adult level. Supervisor-"Please get this order ready for me by two o'clock." Employee-'I`ll
have it done before two o'clock, no problem." This complementary transaction is illustrated
below.

Supervisor Employee

P
P

A A

C C

Generally, complementary transactions result in more effective communications with

fewer hurt feelings and arguments. In other words, they help human relations and
performance. Exceptions would be if an employee uses an adapted child or critical parent
ego state and the supervisor does, too. These complementary transactions can lead to
problems.

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4.1.2.2 Crossed transactions

Crossed transactions occur when the sender of a message does not get the
expected response from the receiver. Returning to our first example: Employee- "I just
dropped the thing when I was almost done. Now I have to do it all over again. I'm sorry."
Supervisor-"You are so clumsy." This crossed transaction is illustrated below.

Supervisor Employee

P
P

A A

C C

From our second example: Supervisor-"Please get this order ready for me by two
o'clock." Employee-"Why do I have to do it? Why don't you do it yourself? I'm busy." This
crossed transaction is illustrated below.

Supervisor Employee

P
P

A A

C C

Generally, crossed transactions result in surprise, disappointment, and hurt feelings

for the sender of the message. The unexpected response often gets the person emotional,
which often results in him or her changing to the adapted child ego state, which causes the
communication to deteriorate further. Crossed transactions often end in arguments and hurt
human relations.
Crossed transactions can be helpful when the negative parent or child ego response
is crossed with an adult response. This crossover may result in the preferred adult-to-adult
conversation.

4.1.2.3 Ulterior transactions

Ulterior, or hidden, transactions occur when the words seem to be coming from one
ego state, but in reality the words or behaviors are coming from another. For example, after a
training program, one of the participants came up to the author asking advice on an adult ego
state. When the author gave advice the participant twice had quick responses as to why the
advice would not work (child rather than adult behavior). The author realized that what the
participant actually wanted was sympathetic understanding for his situation, not advice. The
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author stopped making suggestions and listened actively, using reflective responses. The
author changed from the adult to the sympathetic parent ego state in order to have a
complementary transaction.
Sometimes people don't know what they want or how to ask for it in a direct way, so
they use ulterior transactions. When possible, it is best to avoid ulterior transactions because
they tend to waste time. Avoid making people search for your hidden meaning. Plan your
message before you send it. When receiving messages look for ulterior transactions and turn
them into complementary transactions, as stated above.

4.1.3 Life position and stroking

4.1.3.1 Life positons

Within the transactional analysis framework, we have attitudes toward our self and
toward others. Attitudes affect our behavior and human relations. Positive attitudes are
described as OK, and negative attitudes are described as not OK. The four life positions are
illustrated in Exhibit 4.1.

I'm OK- I'm OK-

You're not OK You're OK

I'm not OK- I'm not OK-

You're not OK You're OK

Exhibit 4.1 – Life positions

The most desirable life position is in the upper right-hand box: "I'm OK - You're
OK." With a positive attitude toward oneself and others, there is greater chance for
having adult-to-adult ego state communications. You can change your attitudes and you
should if they are not positive.

4.1.3.2 Stroking

Stroking is any behavior that implies recognition of another's presence. Strokes can be
positive and make the person feel good about himself, or they can be negative and hurt the
person in some way.
We all want praise and recognition. Giving praise (positive strokes) is a powerful
motivation technique that is easy to use and costs nothing. We should all give positive
strokes and avoid giving negative strokes.
We should be aware of the child within us and recognize how we express our
feelings, while not letting our emotions control our behavior. We should be aware and
sensitive to the child ego state in others. As a sympathetic parent, we should talk to that
child, protect that child, appreciate the child's need for expression, and stroke the child in
others in positive ways. The role of the critical parent is appropriate at times, but a parent
should correct a child with the use of positive strokes when possible. Through work and
effort we can learn to control our emotional behavior and transact on an adult-to-adult level
in most situations.

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4.2 Assertiveness

In the late 1960s Arnold Lazarus published the first paper on what is popularly
known as assertiveness. Assertiveness training became popular in the 1970s; Lazarus wrote
an article in 19734, and others went on to write books on assertiveness.
Assertiveness is the process of expressing thoughts and feelings while asking for
what one wants in an appropriate way. We need to present our message without falling
into stereotypical "too pushy" (aggressive) or "not tough enough" (passive) traps.
Being assertive is generally the most productive behavior. However, there are times
when most of us use passive or aggressive behavior. There are situations in which passive or
aggressive behavior is appropriate. We will discuss these situations in the section on conflict
resolution. In this section, we will describe passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and
assertive behavior.

4.2.1 Passive behavior

Passive or nonassertive behavior comes primarily through the obedient child or

supportive parent ego state. They are in an '"I'm not OK" life position. Passive behavior is
an avoidance of behavior or an accommodation of the other party's wishes without standing
up for one's own rights. It involves self-denial and sacrifice.
Nonverbal communication of the passive person includes downcast eyes, soft voice,
helpless gestures, and slouched posture. Passive people tend to deny the importance of
things. They rationalize things -"It doesn't matter to me"-and take an "it's not my
responsibility, let someone else do it" attitude. Passive people are often internally distressed
and in pain.
When people know someone is passive they tend to take advantage of him or her.
They make unreasonable requests, knowing the person cannot say no, and refuse to meet
the passive person's rare mild request. When the passive person does speak, others tend not
to listen and interrupt him or her. In fact, research by sociologists has revealed that men
freely interrupt women and dismiss women's ideas-and many women tolerate this!
Passive people often have a poor self-concept and are unhappy. Passivity is often
based on fear: fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of displeasing others, fear of retaliation,
fear of hurting others, fear of being hurt, fear of getting into trouble, etc. Some women are
passive due to a lifetime of conditioning in which they were taught to serve others and to
give way to men. Many men are also passive; you may know some.
Continued passive behavior is usually unproductive for both the individual and the
organization. If you are continuously passive, determine what really is important, and
stand up for your rights in an assertive way.

4.2.2 Aggressive behavior

Aggressive behavior comes primarily through the adapted child and the critical
parent ego state. Aggressive people are demanding, tough, rude, and pushy. They insist on
getting their own way and use force to gain control. They are very competitive and hate to
lose to the point of cheating. They tend to violate the rights of others to get what they want.
Nonverbal communication used by aggressive people includes glaring and
frowning to convey coldness. Aggressive people tend to speak loudly and quickly with
4
Arnold Lazarus, “On assertive behavior: A Brief Note”, Behavior Therapy, Oct. 1973
6
threatening gestures and an intimidating posture.
When aggressive behavior is used, the other party often retaliates with aggressive
behavior (fight back) or withdraws and gives in (flight). People often avoid contact with the
aggressive person or prepare themselves for the fight when transacting.
Aggressive people seem to be self-confident, but their behavior is more often the result
of a poor self-concept. They are in an ''I'm not OK" life position, but consistently try to prove
they are OK by beating and controlling others. They must win to prove their self-worth and,
because they violate others' rights, they are often unhappy and feel guilty. They seem to have
a complaint about everything. Some women become aggressive because they feel it is
behavior necessary to compete in the business world. No one should feel as though he or she
has to be aggressive to be taken seriously; assertiveness is more effective.
Continuous use of aggressive behavior is usually destructive to the individual and
the organization. If you are continually aggressive, work at becoming more sensitive to the
needs of others. Learn to replace aggressive behavior with assertive behavior.

4.2.3 Passive-Aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is displayed in three major ways:

1. The person uses both types of behavior sporadically. For example, a manager may be
very aggressive with subordinates, yet passive with superiors. Or the person may be passive
one day or moment and be aggressive the next. This type of person is difficult to work with
because one doesn't know what to expect.
2. The person uses passive behavior during the situation, then shortly after uses
aggressive behavior. For example, an employee may agree to do something, then leave and
slam the door or yell at the next person he or she sees.
3. The person uses passive behavior, but inside is building up hostility. After the repeated
behavior happens often enough the passive person becomes aggressive. Too often the person
who was attacked really doesn't understand the full situation and blames everything on the
exploder, rather than examining his or her self-behavior, and changing. The person who
becomes aggressive often feels guilty. The end result is usually hurt human relations and no
change in the situation. For example, during a meeting, Carl interrupted June three times
when she was speaking. June said nothing each time, but was building up hostility. The
fourth time Carl interrupted June; she attacked him by yelling at him for being so
inconsiderate of her. He simply said, "What's wrong with you?" It would have been better for
June to assertively tell Carl not to interrupt her the first time he did it.
If you use passive-aggressive behavior, try to learn to be assertive on a consistent
basis and you will be easier to work with, and you will get the results you want more often.

4.2.4 Assertive behavior

Assertive behavior comes through the adult ego state, with an ''I'm OK - You're
OK" life position. As stated earlier, the assertive person expresses feeling, thoughts, and
asks for things without aggressive behavior. The person stands up for his or her rights
without violating the rights of others.
The nonverbal communication of the assertive person includes positive facial
expressions like smiling and eye contact, pleasant voice qualities, firm gestures, and erect
posture.
People who use assertive behavior tend to have a positive self-concept. They are not
threatened by others, and they do not let others control their behavior. When others are out of
the adult ego state, people using assertive behavior continue to transact in an adult ego state.
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Assertive people project a positive image of being confident, friendly, and honest. Using
assertive behavior wins the respect of others. Use it on a consistent basis.

4.3 Conflict Management

In this section we will begin by defining conflict and stating why managing conflict
skills are important. Then we will discuss types and sources of conflict, and the five conflict
management styles.
Conflict exists whenever two or more parties are in disagreement. Some of the
reasons why conflict management skills are important include:
Complex organizations are marked with chronic episodes of conflict.
You cannot avoid conflict. Coping with it successfully is one of the most important skills
you can acquire.
Inability to handle conflict effectively may well be the single greatest barrier to
managerial job satisfaction and success.
Unresolved conflicts can last for years, decreasing the productivity of the department and
the organization.
Conflict is familiar to every supervisor. One survey revealed that managers spend about
20 percent of their time resolving conflicts, and that conflict management skills are
becoming more important.
Understanding how to confront and resolve conflict can lead to both organizational
productivity and better interpersonal relationships
People often think of conflict as fighting and view it as disruptive. Conflict can be
creative and beneficial. The question today is not whether conflict is good or bad but rather
how supervisors should manage conflict to benefit the organization. A balance of conflict is
essential to all organizations. Too little or too much conflict usually is a sign of management's
unwillingness or inability to adapt to a changing environment. Challenging present methods
and presenting innovative change causes conflict, but can lead to improved performance.
While performing any of the management functions (planning, organizing, staffing,
leading, and controlling), a supervizor may encounter conflict.

4.3.1 Types and sources of conflict

In this part of the section, we will first discuss the two types of conflict, followed by four sources
of conflict.

4.3.1.1 Types of conflict

There are at least two ways to classify conflict. One method of classifying conflict is
to determine if it is constructive or destructive. Constructive (also called functional) conflict
helps the department achieve its objectives, while destructive (also called dysfunctional)
conflict hinders the department in achieving its objectives. The supervisor's job is to either
eliminate destructive conflict or change it into constructive conflict.
A second method of classifying conflict is by the people involved:
1. Conflict within the individual. This is common when faced with conflicting
priorities. If you are asked to work overtime and have another commitment what do you do?
2. Interpersonal conflict, when two people disagree. When people interact over any period of
time there is bound to be conflict.
3. Conflict between an individual and a group (intragroup conflict). When a group member
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breaks the group's norms, conflict occurs.
4. Intergroup conflict. A conflict between two different groups/departments. Conflict is
common when groups/departments have different objectives and are dependent on each other
to meet their objectives.
5. Conflict between organizations. Competing in a free enterprise system often leads to
conflict.

4.3.1.2 Sources of conflict

There are at least four major sources of, or reasons for, conflict:
1. Personal differences. People have different needs, beliefs, and values. Our
perceptions and expectations can also vary. Value differences often result in
conflicts that are difficult to resolve. Personal differences are often incorrectly
called personality clashes. Don't generalize. Determine if the conflict is due to
different needs, beliefs, values, perceptions, or expectations, and resolve them.
2. Information. People tend to use different sources of information. At times the sources do
not agree, or the same information is interpreted differently. Information conflicts tend to be
factual and can usually be resolved through clarification of the information with a minimum
of resentment. The more effective you are at communicating, the less information conflicts
you will have to resolve.
3. Different objectives. Individuals and groups sometimes have different objectives with
incompatible roles. For example, the salesperson's objective is to sell as much as possible,
while the credit person's objective is to only give credit to good credit risk. These two
groups are known to have their conflicts. Conflict also can arise when priorities are not
clear. Employees can be in conflict over what should be done and when.
4. Environmental factors. When developing future plans for changes in the environment
there is often conflict over the forecast. Employees and departments often have to compete
for scarce organizational resources. Conflict is common during the budget process. People
are also territorial; conflict can occur if people try to infringe on another's turf. Clearly
defining an employee's authority and responsibility helps to prevent territorial disputes.

4.3.2 Conflict Management Styles

There are different styles of conflict management. There is no one best conflict style in
all situations. Like situational supervision and communications, the best style depends upon
the situation. The five conflict management styles - forcing, avoiding, accommodating,
compromising, and collaborating - will be discussed in the following parts of this section.
4.3.2.1 Forcing Conflict Styles

The forcing conflict style user attempts to resolve the conflict by using aggressive
behavior. The forcer uses the critical parent or adapted child ego state, with aggressive
behavior. The forcing approach uses an uncooperative, autocratic attempt to satisfy one's
own needs at the expense of others, if necessary. A win-lose situation is created. Forcers
use authority, threaten, intimidate, and call for majority rule when they know they will
win. This is believed to be the most commonly used style by managers.
Advantages and Disadvantages of the Forcing Style: The advantage of the forcing
style is that better organizational decisions will be made (assuming the forcer is correct)
rather than less effective compromised decisions. The disadvantage is that overuse of this
style leads to hostility and resentment toward its user.
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 Appropriate Use of the Forcing Style: The forcing style is appropriate to use when:
(1) the conflict is of personal differences (particularly values which are hard to change); (2)
when maintaining close, supportive relationships is not critical; and (3) when the conflict
resolution is urgent.

4.3.2.2 Avoiding Conflict Styles

The avoiding conflict style user attempts to passively ignore the conflict rather
than resolve it. The avoider uses the obedient child or sympathetic parent ego state,
with passive behavior. Its user is unassertive, uncooperative, using avoidance attempts
to satisfy the need to avoid or postpone confrontation. A lose-lose situation is created
because the conflict is not resolved. People avoid the conflict by refusing to take a
stance, physically leaving it, or escaping the conflict by mentally leaving the conflict.
Advantages and Disadvantages of the Avoiding Conflict Style: The advantage of the
avoiding style is that it may maintain relationships that would be hurt through conflict
resolution. The disadvantage of this style is the fact that conflicts do not get resolved. An
overuse of this style leads to conflict within the individual. People tend to walk all over the
avoider. Supervisors use this style when they allow employees to break rules without
confronting them. Avoiding problems usually does not make them go away; the problems
usually get worse.
Appropriate Use of the Avoiding Conflict Style: The avoiding style is appropriate to
use when: (1) one's stake in the issue is not high, (2) confrontation will damage a critical
working relationship, and (3) a time constraint necessitates avoidance. Some people use the
avoiding style out of fear that will handle the confrontation poorly, making the situation
worse rather than better.

4.3.2.3 Accommodating Conflict Styles

The accommodating conflict style user attempts to resolve the conflict by passively
giving in to the other party. The user is in the obedient child or sympathetic parent ego state,
using passive behavior. The accommodating approach is unassertive and cooperative. It
attempts to satisfy the other party while neglecting one's own needs. A win-lose situation is
created, with the other party being the winner.
Advantages and Disadvantages of the Accommodating Conflict Style: The advantage of
the accommodating style is that relationships are maintained. The disadvantage is that giving
in to the other party may be counterproductive. The accommodated person may have a better
solution. An overuse of this style leads to people taking advantage of the accommodator.
When using this style the relationship the accommodator tries to maintain is often lost.
Appropriate Use of the Accommodating Conflict Style: The accommodating style is
appropriate when: (1) maintaining the relationship outweighs all other considerations; (2) the
changes agreed to are not important to the accommodator, but are to the other party; and (3)
the time to resolve the conflict is limited. This is often the only style one can use with an
autocratic boss.

4.3.2.4 Compromising Conflict Styles

The compromising conflict style user attempts to resolve the conflict through
assertive give-and-take concessions. Its user is in the adult ego state, using assertive
behavior. The compromising approach is intermediate in assertiveness and cooperation. It
attempts to meet one's need for harmonious relationships. A win-lose or lose-lose situation
may be created through compromise.
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 Advantages and Disadvantages of the Compromising Conflict Style: The advantage, of
the compromise style is that the conflict is resolved quickly, and relationships are
maintained. The disadvantage is that the compromise often leads to counterproductive results
(suboptimum decisions). An overuse of this style leads to people playing games such as
asking for twice as much as they need in order to get what they want. It is commonly used
during management and labor collective bargaining.
Appropriate Use of the Compromising Conflict Style: The compromise style is
appropriate to use when: (1) the issues are complex and critical, and there is no simple
and clear solution; (2) all parties have a strong interest in different solutions; and (3) time
is short.

4.3.2.5 Collaborating Conflict Styles

The collaborating conflict style user assertively attempts to jointly resolve the
conflict with the best solution agreeable to all parties. It is also called the problem-
solving style. Its user is in the adult ego state, using assertive behavior. The collaborating
approach is assertive and cooperative. The collaborator attempts to fully address the
concerns of all. The focus is on finding the best solution to the problem that is
satisfactory to all parties. Unlike the forcer, the collaborator is willing to change if a
better solution is presented. This is the only style that creates a win-win situation.
Advantages and Disadvantages of the Collaborating Style: The advantage of the
collaborating style is that it tends to lead to the best solution to the conflict using assertive
behavior. One great disadvantage is that the time and effort it takes to resolve the conflict is
usually greater and longer than the other styles.
Appropriate Use of the Collaborating Conflict Style: The collaborating style is
appropriate when: (1) maintaining relationships is important; (2) time is available; and (3) it
is a peer conflict. To be successful, one must confront conflict. The collaborating conflict
style is generally considered to be the best style because it confronts the conflict assertively,
rather than passively ignoring it or aggressively fighting one's way through it.
The situational perspective states that there is no one best style for resolving all
conflicts. A person's preferred style tends to meet his or her needs. Some people enjoy
forcing, while others prefer to avoid conflict, and so forth. As with all supervisory functions,
success lies in one's ability to use the appropriate style to meet the situation. Of the five styles,
the most difficult to implement successfully (and probably the most underutilized when
appropriate) is the collaborative style.

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