Stephanie's Paper 2.

docx
by Stephanie Jay

Submission date: 25-Feb-2018 10:29PM (UT C-0600)

Submission ID: 921377618
File name: Stephanie's Paper 2.docx (19.16K)
Word count: 1996
Character count: 9879
 Art icle T it le

can

3 2

Though I have
4
a number of

suggestions
here, your intro
is pretty strong!
Cit e Paraphrase

Cit e Paraphrase An
d
th
at
ne
w
lev
el
wa
Notice that you are only citing quotes. Paraphrased info need cited, too.

Cit e Paraphrase T ranspose

C/S

What are
some of
these other
upsides?
As a
whole,
your
summary
isn't very
specific
about what
Thompson

says
humans
gain from
working
side by
side with
computers.
You
summarize
OK, good. Here
sections of
you start to
the essay,
outline the impact
but those
of technology on
sections
our cognition,
aren't
according to
always the
Thompson.
best
matches
for your
argument.
 Pat chwork Paraphrase
Pat chwork Paraphrase

So much of this
comes directly
from the last
paragraph on 349.
Pat chwork Paraphrase Really work on
paraphrasing
more fully in your
own words so you
aren't using
Thompson's
6 phrases and
structures.

IT (S) No ","

You

Art icle T it le
9
10

11
12
ABC
13 pp.

It al.

Cite each
of these
as pages
from web
sites. You
can find
the format
for this in
The Little
Seagull
Handboo
k.
Stephanie's Paper 2.docx
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Exclude quotes Of f Exclude matches Of f

Exclude bibliography Of f
Stephanie's Paper 2.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT

FINAL GRADE GENERAL COMMENTS

/100 Instructor

Stephanie,

Overall, you have a solid basic paper here, and I see

plenty of indications that you're working to
accomplish some of these new skills we've been
working on (like the naysayer or using a certain type
of introduction). As a whole, the largest problem,
one that seeps into the whole paper, is that your
argument is broad enough that the body of the
paper ends up seeming less cohesive than it could
be.

But f irst, let me clarif y that I am looking at the larger

areas of structure, content, grammar/language, and
citation and organizing my comments by that.

Content: Like I said, the biggest problem with

content is the broadness of your thesis. You clearly
recognize that T hompson's argument is about the
gains we make in our thinking by using technology
(the external memory, the ability to f ind connections,
the increased ability to get ideas out there f or
others to see). However, notice how broad your
argument is in response. You disagree, but your
argument isn't necessary f ocused on showing the
negative ef f ects on our thinking. T his seeps into
the paper, too, in your discussion of the DeLoatch
article and in the naysayer paragraphs.

I'm curious: didn't we talk about the thesis in your

conf erence? I f eel like we did. What happened to
that thesis?

Structure: T he breadth of the argument also

probably makes it harder to organize paragraphs
under very specif ic and narrow goals. I'm wondering
if that led to the two naysayers in one paragraph.

T he structure of the summary paragraphs could also

 use some work. See the comments there.

Finally, remember the lessons about transitions f rom

the paragraphing sessions--try to keep paragraphs
cohesive and f ocused on a single claim by placing
transitions at the beginning of paragraphs, rather
than at the end.

Grammar: No major problems here.

Citation: Right now, you have almost no citation f or

paraphrased inf ormation, and you even end up
paraphrasing parts of the essay too closely. On the
works cited page, look f or some suggestions f or
citation, too.

Overall, just tweaking some paragraph organization

and some citation problems could probably bring this
paper's quality into the high B range, but to make it
an A paper, you will likely need to tackle the
broadness of the thesis! Please let me know if you
have questions!

PAGE 1

QM Article Title
T his is an article title, the smaller work. T hat means it should be in quotation marks.

Comment 1
Do you really need to qualif y the idea with "seems" here? "An essay that contributes..." seems
appropriate and is less wordy.

Text Comment. can

Comment 2
Notice that this phrase makes it seem like you're allowing that T hompson said something rather
than conceding that his argument has a point. Could you say "I partially concede to
T hompson's view that.., I still insist..."

Comment 3
Do you f eel the choppiness between these two sentences? Come back to the more general
ideas that T hompson uses chess to support bef ore your thesis.
 Text Comment. T hough I have a number of suggestions here, your intro is pretty strong!

Comment 4
Can you be at all more specif ic? Or maybe you need to more specif ic with what the "detriments"
are. For example, since T hompson f ocuses on the benef its to our cognition and thinking, is
that what you'll f ocus on?

QM Cite Paraphrase
Paraphrased inf ormation needs citation too!

Text Comment. And that new level was?

QM Cite Paraphrase
Paraphrased inf ormation needs citation too!

PAGE 2

Text Comment. Notice that you are only citing quotes. Paraphrased inf o need cited, too.

QM Transpose
T ranspose

QM Cite Paraphrase
Paraphrased inf ormation needs citation too!

QM C/S
Comma splice:
A sentence must have both a subject and a main verb in order to be complete, but it cannot
have more than one subject or main verb. A comma splice is a variety of run-on sentence that
occurs when two complete sentences, each with its own subject and verb, are joined mistakenly
by a comma. T here are generally three methods of correcting this problem: 1) Replace the
comma with a stronger mark of punctuation such as a period or semicolon, 2) use a
coordinating conjunction ("and," "but," "or," "nor") to join the two constructions, or 3) make one
of the two sentences a dependent construction by linking it to the other with a subordinating
conjunction ("if ," "when," "so that," "although," "because") or relative pronoun ("that," "which,"
"who," "whom," "whose").

Text Comment. What are some of these other upsides? As a whole, your summary isn't
very specif ic about what T hompson says humans gain f rom working side by side with
computers. You summarize sections of the essay, but those sections aren't always the best
matches f or your argument.
 Text Comment. OK, good. Here you start to outline the impact of technology on our
cognition, according to T hompson.

PAGE 3

QM Patchwork Paraphrase
T hese lines are too close to the original to be strong paraphrase. See the second citation
video

QM Patchwork Paraphrase
T hese lines are too close to the original to be strong paraphrase. See the second citation
video

Strikethrough.

Text Comment. So much of this comes directly f rom the last paragraph on 349. Really
work on paraphrasing more f ully in your own words so you aren't using T hompson's phrases
and structures.

QM Patchwork Paraphrase
T hese lines are too close to the original to be strong paraphrase. See the second citation
video

Comment 6
Overall, I'd argue that these two summary paragraphs could be made into one. T rim a little of
the Kasperov discussion and use the phrase upsides to introduce T hompson's positive views
of what technology has allowed in our cognition.

Your summary paragraphs just seem to include more inf ormation than is necessary, and that is
ref lected in the word count of your paper, too.

QM IT(S)
Its/It's:
Conf using "it's" with "its" may be the single most common grammar problem in student writing.
Apostrophes can either indicate possessive constructions (showing that something "belongs
to" something else) or they can indicate a contraction (used to stand f or missing letters). In
most words, the role of an apostrophe is clear. With it's/its, however, the two f unctions easily
become conf used. In "it's" the apostrophe indicates a contraction of "it is" or "it has." "Its," on
the other hand, is a possessive personal pronoun, meaning "of it" or "belonging to it."
Whenever you write the word "it's," ask yourself if you mean to say, "it is." If not, then choose
"its."
 QM No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is
necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

QM You
Avoid "you!" T he language lesson f rom Week 7 discusses this in more detail.

Comment 7
Place this transition at the beginning of the next paragraph. T hat way, your paragraph will be
more cohesive--all the ideas in it will be about the positive side.

Comment 8
As I suggested in the thesis, you could be f ar more specif ic about what the f ocus or unif ying
theme of these negative ef f ects are. T hat really stands out when you say "not to
mention...child abduction..." T hat suggests that the f ocus of these negatives is separate f rom
these examples, but you haven't quite classif ied what that unif ying ideas is.

Is it the detrimental ef f ects on our thinking?

QM Article Title
T his is an article title, the smaller work. T hat means it should be in quotation marks.

PAGE 4

Comment 9
T his paragraph should highlight the breadth of your argument. Since you are responding to
T hompson and he f ocused on the cognitive ef f ects of technology, it's hard to respond to him
or criticize him f or not f ocusing on the harassment or the sedentary lives we live because of
technology.

Do you really need to mention each of DeLoatch's f our ideas?

PAGE 5

Comment 10
Since you rebut these two naysayer views in the next paragraph, this sentence seems to belong
 in that paragraph.

Comment 11
A couple points:

1. It's usually best to divide dif f erent naysayers up into dif f erent paragraphs, especially if those
naysayers aren't closely related to one another. Here, the Gates view and the Garten view are
completely separate counterarguments. Separate paragraphs would be stronger.

2. If you narrow your f ocus in your thesis, you should probably get rid of the Garten naysayer.
It doesn't f it the narrower f ocus of cogition.

PAGE 6

Comment 12
It seems odd that you f ocus on the positives right bef ore asking how long it will take bef ore
technology ruins society. Do you see that?

PAGE 7

QM ABC
Don't f orget alphabetical order!

Comment 13
Here, you've made the title of the essay (in quotes) the title of the book (italics).

Text Comment. pp.

QM Ital.
Italicize

Text Comment. Cite each of these as pages f rom web sites. You can f ind the f ormat f or
this in T he Little Seagull Handbook.