I was laying there, witnessing, and feeling the pain, which I knew was not of
this present moment, but of the past, and the flashbacks were there to
confirm.
Don't get me wrong, the pain felt very real and in the present, especially as
I was in so much physical pain (to match the emotional pain) that it was
challenging to even get dressed because my body could not bend or flex. My
feelings and emotions had tensed up my muscles to such a degree that they
no longer helped with the articulation and movement of my body and that
did not seem to be an illusion or anything that was not really happening in
the present! Yet I knew the body was bringing up things he had stored as
memories... I just did not know what to do with those memories...
I am not the type to take any chemical painkillers, so I just remained biting
the dust, so to speak. It was agony.
But for the rest I did nothing. No breathing, no meditation, (mind you I
was taken out of body enough times to be re-introduced to those
flashbacks!), No smudging, no cutting cords, not one exercise that could
reduce the strength of what I was feeling, Nothing! And to be honest, I
think that even if I had wanted to I would not have had the strength. The
only thing I sometimes found the strength to do was to go by the stream,
and consciously work with the flowing water element as a reflection of my
own emotions... So mainly feeling the stream water flowing in me, and
gifting the surrounding elements for their help. Nothing strenuous or
fancy... Just what naturally came to me.
I just felt the devastating effects of my younger years for more than a
month and a half... I wondered how much time I needed to bare with it all...
It seemed like an eternity... In the depth of this seemingly eternal
darkness, I was witnessing and wondering... "so this is how it felt every
single day of your younger years... How did you survive? So this is why you
are who you are now... And what are you now exactly? How did this affect
your choices and life decisions?, etc..."
Another friend was trying to make me see positive things, and although, it
was sweet and came from a good intention, I just could not register it... I
could not feel it.
In the depth of darkness, all you can see and feel is darkness.
It seems that at the appropriate times in our lives we are sent to the
depth of the unconscious to dig out things that we have blocked out
because they were too painful. The universe makes sure to give you the
opportunity to revisit the traumas when you have enough knowledge and
strength to deal with it. And so that time came for me, and I was very
conscious of what was happening, although my thinking and mood was
severely affected by the overwhelming darkness.
In time I started to accept that it was the way I had felt and there was
nothing I could do to change what happened. I knew I had to talk to
someone about it, and this in order to be heard and validated in those
feelings for the first time in my life regarding those events. And so I
found an angel friend who has known abuse too and I cried my eyes out
telling him of the events that had come up. He simply listened and
validated my feelings, which was what was needed.
It is not easy to see someone in deep emotional pain and not wanting to help
them. But who says that emotional pain is bad. Although it feels bad and
like utter horrible crap (I am aiming to remain polite here ;-) ) it does not
mean that what we see as bad actually is bad. So if someone tries to help
us by telling us what we should do or how we should think, or how we should
see things, it kinds of says that it is bad for us to feel the way we do and
that we need help. And that does not help at all.
May be the best kind of help is the help I got from this angel friend who
instead of telling me to feel different and see the positive out of life, told
me that I had "big balls" to go through and share those events and their
emotional legacy and acknowledged my right to feel the way I am
feeling. Suddenly what felt bad was right and good rather than wrong and
bad and I should not allow myself to feel this way because there was
so many good and positive things in life!
Very few people around me can relate to my younger years, and so I have
refrained from talking to my close friends about it, because one cannot
relate and understand unless they have lived through something similar at
least.
Out of a lot of spiritual teachers out there, Teal Swan gets it. She may be
controversial for some, but I don't care about that, I care about what
resonates with me and what does not. And I happen to get her, and it
happens that her energy assessments are spot on based on my own
experience. So I like to read her blog and sometimes watch her
videos. Today I read this as part of her blog, and for me it feels right on
target:
Con el tiempo empecé a aceptar que asì era la forma en que había
sentido siempre y no había nada que pudiera hacer para cambiar lo
que pasó. Yo sabía que tenía que hablar con alguien acerca de ello, y
esto con el fin de ser escuchados y validado en esos sentimientos
por primera vez en mi vida en relación con dichos eventos.
Puede ser que el mejor tipo de ayuda es la que recibí de este amigo
ángel que en vez de decirme o juzgarme a sentirme diferente me
ayudò a ver lo positivo de la vida, me dijeron que tenía muchas
agallas para atravesar mis sentimientos y emociones y compartir
esos acontecimientos y su legado emocional y validò….reconoció mi
derecho a sentir lo que estoy sintiendo. De pronto, cesaron los
juicios, lo que se sentía mal ahora era correcto y bueno en vez de
mal y malo ya no me permito sentir de esta manera, porque en
realidad yo no podía ver que había tantas cosas buenas y positivas
en la vida!