Running head: AUTOETHNOGRAPHY A CHICANA LESBIAN PERSPECTIVE 1

Autoethnograpy: A Chicana Lesbian Perspective

Metro State University

Amanda Gonzales
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I remember when my fiancée told her family about me. Some of their first questions

were: “Where does she work? Does she go to school? Where is her family from?” Trujillo

explains how, “As Chicana’s we have our identity shaped by those of the men with whom we

associate, “daddy’s girl”, “girlfriend”, “wife”, “some guy’s sister” (Trujillo, 1991, p. ix) and with

that I agree. As soon as her family identified that my dad was born in the same part of Mexico as

her parents, I was “in”. Paisanos they were, “from the same state”. This was my connection to

her family and perhaps this is why they gave me a chance to date their daughter even against the

heteronormative dating norms within Mexican culture.

My story is not the one commonly told. In the media channels, educational system and

even religious channels. It is not the story of the queer, Mexican-American woman that is often

highlighted in the U.S. American culture. Rather, as Anzaldua and Moraga have noted, the

common story is that of White, upper class, men, reinforcing the heteronormative script in which

our expectations are held. However, my story is important. Like Anzaldua, I recognize the

importance of coalitions. I want to share my story with others. I recognize the power I have in

where I stand in society. I have an advantage by being part of multiple minority identities.

Along the way, I have learned skills rooted in assimilation. While assimilating is safe, it is not as

impactful in terms of serving as a representative of my community. In recognizing the

opportunity I have to sharing my experience and by doing so, either widening a world lens, or

empowering others, I share my story. Using autoethnography as a method, I will overview and

analyze the intersectionality of my identities and why my story is relevant to amplifying the

voice of Chicana Lesbians.

Autoethnography “seeks to describe and systematically analyze personal experience in

order to understand cultural experience” (Ellis et al., 2011, p. 273). In this case, autoethnography
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is the tool that offers me power to use my voice. I use this as a method to analyze the experience

I have had both within my culture as a first generation Mexican in the U.S., as a lesbian and as a

woman. Ellis et al., (2011) writes about this method, “When researchers write

autoethnographies, they seek to produce aesthetic and evocative thick descriptions of personal

and interpersonal experience” (Ellis et al., 2011, p. 279). My goal is to paint a picture of my

unique experience of my intersecting identities. I will analyze my privileges and my oppressed

identities. Similar to Cherrie Moraga, my autoethnography serves a purpose: “to give a voice

and visibility to that which has been erased and silenced” (Trujillo, 1991, p. 143). Historically,

the voice of the Mexican-American Lesbian has not been that highlighted in our media and in

larger society. Thus, I see the value of digging deep into my experience to take you on a short

journey through the construction of my identity as it has been until now.

There we were: me, my fiancée of four years and her mother, standing in her mother’s

kitchen. Paintings of historic Mexican buildings surround us. I can count three crosses on the

walls in sight, a reminder of my 18 years of Catholic school teachings and repeated

condemnation of homosexuality. As I gaze, suddenly I hear my fiancée invite her mom to join us

to what would have been only our plans. She invites her mom to join us in attending the annual

drag show on the college campus of Colorado State University. Had this been like any other

night, she and I would have gone, taken our seats, enjoyed the show, and returned to her mother’s

house (to continue visiting her the next day). We would have played our privileged identity

cards, as light skinned, feminine women at the drag show. We could have enjoyed and

assimilated to the predominately White group. As Garcia states, assimilation is safety for POC

“…the quicker she assimilates (and if she is light enough) she can escape the hassle” (Garcia,

1997). However, that was no longer the plan and if her mother accepted this invitation, I had no
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idea how the night would end. That concerned me. Thoughts were racing through my head -

specifically the memory of two years prior when I wanted to propose to my fiancée. When I had

called her mother to schedule a meeting with them, with the intent of asking their daughter’s

hand in marriage. However, this was absurd. They had been anticipating a man to make this

call. Her mom had not yet had time to ponder how she felt about giving her daughter to a

woman, so the abrupt ending of our phone call told me what I needed to know: her mother was

not okay with this yet. Two years later, here we are and my fiancée felt like her mom would

actually say yes to join us with a group of people who were not accepted in their hometowns.

Finally she asks her mom to attend, “Mama, quieres ir a un show en el colegio?” (Mom,

would you like to go to a show at the college?) Her mom asks what type of show, and she tells

her, “Where men dress as women, and dance”. This was the simplest way to explain it. Her

mom agreed to attend with subtle reservation. I was nervous, perhaps it was because I could

never dream of my family accompanying me to a drag show.

Once we arrived at the college, we waited in a line. Usually when just the two of us

attend, I pay no mind to everyone else in line. However, this night, I looked at my mother-in-

law, and looked around. Almost every person in the line, of nearly 100 people, was light skinned

and presumably White. I saw the way she looked around, and I knew what she could be

thinking. This was again our privilege. As “gueras” we could more easily assimilate. As

Moraga has stated, “looking white both afforded privilege and separated her…” (Trujillo, 1991,

p. 152). We could not fit into both identities comfortably. We had to choose.

After taking our seats, my fiancée and I both wished the show would start soon, yet I

almost wished it would not start at all. We were taking a topic that had never been discussed

directly within her home. We had never even discussed our relationship with her mother. Yet,
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here we were, next to a stage that would soon display queer in pure form. Defying typical

gender roles, sexualizing genders and crude gestures that her mom would interpret.

Soon, the show began. My heart was racing, and I wanted to leave. Of course I was also

trying to understand why her mom had made the effort to join us tonight. The first joke,

involved mockery of religion. Holding a crucifix, of which her mom has many hanging in her

home, the first act told jokes about Jesus and the crowd laughed. I was not sure if her mom

understood the verbal jokes, but I knew the symbols communicated strong messages. I recognize

in this moment that I was in a position of power. Within my own ethnicity, I was at an advantage

as an English speaker. My fiancée and I had power and were able to understand the jokes and

relate to the White show hosts through humor, again a strategy to surviving within the LGBTQ

community. Language is powerful and offers me a great advantage within my various identities.

As I was nearing my maximum level of discomfort in this situation, “Shaqueera” took the

stage. A collection of Shakira hits, in Spanish, were lip synced by my savior of a drag performer.

Watching the reaction of my mother-in-law to this performance helped ease my nerves. She

relaxed, and found humor in seeing another Latino perform. At this point, I tried to relax. I saw

her mom laugh and smile more. She too was becoming more relaxed. After the show, we

enjoyed a ride home. She told us that it was “fun”.

This experience and many others that I experience daily, are critical to exploring my

experience as a Chicana Lesbian. While every person offers different insight, and different

interpretations, my autoethnography provides a personal narrative and reflexive ethnography.

First, it invites others into my lens to the world, into my experiences which they may not

otherwise experience. In a reflexive manner, I recognize my privileges: my light skin, my

English accent, my cis-gendered appearance. However, I do not exist alone in one identity. Each
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of my identities intersect to create the overall being that creates me. This identity is contextual.

Had we been at the drag show alone, I would have pushed aside my Mexican identity to

assimilate and not sacrifice my power. However, being with her mom shifted my identities. My

ethnicity and familial background was equally present with my sexuality. This was challenging

and I felt disadvantaged.

The experiences of the oppressed are essential to our human understanding. Each person

interprets life experiences in an insightful way, and unless we access this information, we may be

missing critical pieces to our human existence. Autoethnograpy is crucial to widening our lens in

viewing human populations, holistically. I can only hope that my experience reinforces how

complex identity is and how important it is to look beyond the labels. By understanding

experience at individual levels, we more accurately broaden our view to the cultural level and see

the range of experiences that exist within various groups.

References

Adams, T., & Jones, S. (2011). Telling Stories: Reflexivity, Queer Theory, and
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Autoethnography. Cultural Studies, 11(2), 108-116. Retrieved November 18, 2015, from

Communication & Mass Media Complete.

Ellis, C., Adams, T. E., & Bochner, A. P.. (2011). Autoethnography: An Overview. Historical

Social Research / Historische Sozialforschung, 36(4 (138)), 273–290. Retrieved from

http://www.jstor.org/stable/23032294

Garcia, A. (1997). Chicanas and El Movimiento. In Chicana feminist thought: The basic

historical writings. New York, NY: Routledge.

Gibson, E., & Hernandez, E. (2014). The Political Implications of Playing Hopefully. In The

Un/Making of Latina/o citizenship: Culture, politics, and aesthetics. New York, NY:

Palgrave Macmillan.

Trujillo, C. (1991). Chicana lesbians: The girls our mothers warned us about. Berkeley, CA:

Third Woman Press.