Stress Management

How to Reduce, prevent, and Cope with Stress

It may seem that there’s nothing you can do about your stress level. The bills aren’t going to stop
coming, there will never be more hours in the day for all your errands, and your career or family
responsibilities will always be demanding. But you have a lot more control than you might think.
In fact, the simple realization that you’re in control of your life is the foundation of stress
management.

Managing stress is all about taking charge: taking charge of your thoughts, your emotions, your
schedule, your environment, and the way you deal with problems. The ultimate goal is a
balanced life, with time for work, relationships, relaxation, and fun – plus the resilience to hold
up under pressure and meet challenges head on.

In This Article:

• Identify sources of stress

• Look at how you cope with stress
• Avoid unnecessary stress
• Alter the situation
• Adapt to the stressor
• Accept the things you can’t change
• Make time for fun and relaxation
• Adopt a healthy lifestyle
• Related links

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Identify the sources of stress in your life

Stress management starts with identifying the sources of stress in your life. This isn’t as easy as
it sounds. Your true sources of stress aren’t always obvious, and it’s all too easy to overlook your
own stress-inducing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Sure, you may know that you’re
constantly worried about work deadlines. But maybe it’s your procrastination, rather than the
actual job demands, that leads to deadline stress.

To identify your true sources of stress, look closely at your habits, attitude, and excuses:

• Do you explain away stress as temporary (“I just have a million things going on right
now”) even though you can’t remember the last time you took a breather?
• Do you define stress as an integral part of your work or home life (“Things are always
crazy around here”) or as a part of your personality (“I have a lot of nervous energy,
that’s all”).
• Do you blame your stress on other people or outside events, or view it as entirely normal
and unexceptional?

Until you accept responsibility for the role you play in creating or maintaining it, your stress
level will remain outside your control.

Start a stress journal

A stress journal can help you identify the regular stressors in your life and the way you deal with
them. Each time you feel stressed, keep track of it in your journal. As you keep a daily log, you
will begin to see patterns and common themes. Write down:

• What caused your stress (make a guess if you’re unsure).

• How you felt, both physically and emotionally.
• How you acted in response.
• What you did to make yourself feel better.

Look at how you currently cope with stress

Think about the ways you currently manage and cope with stress in your life. Your stress journal
can help you identify them. Are your coping strategies healthy or unhealthy, helpful or
unproductive? Unfortunately, many people cope with stress in ways that compound the problem.

Unhealthy ways of coping with stress

These coping strategies may temporarily reduce stress, but they cause more damage in the long
run:

• Smoking • Using pills or drugs to relax

• Drinking too much • Sleeping too much
• Overeating or undereating • Procrastinating
• Zoning out for hours in front of the TV • Filling up every minute of the day to
or computer avoid facing problems
 • Withdrawing from friends, family, and • Taking out your stress on others (lashing
activities out, angry outbursts, physical violence)

Learning healthier ways to manage stress

If your methods of coping with stress aren’t contributing to your greater emotional and physical
health, it’s time to find healthier ones. There are many healthy ways to manage and cope with
stress, but they all require change. You can either change the situation or change your reaction.
When deciding which option to choose, it’s helpful to think of the four As: avoid, alter, adapt, or
accept.

Since everyone has a unique response to stress, there is no “one size fits all” solution to
managing it. No single method works for everyone or in every situation, so experiment with
different techniques and strategies. Focus on what makes you feel calm and in control.

Dealing with Stressful Situations: The Four A’s

Change the situation: Change your reaction:

• Avoid the stressor. • Adapt to the stressor.

• Alter the stressor. • Accept the stressor.

Stress management strategy #1: Avoid unnecessary stress

Not all stress can be avoided, and it’s not healthy to avoid a situation that needs to be addressed.
You may be surprised, however, by the number of stressors in your life that you can eliminate.

• Learn how to say “no” – Know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal
or professional life, refuse to accept added responsibilities when you’re close to reaching
them. Taking on more than you can handle is a surefire recipe for stress.
• Avoid people who stress you out – If someone consistently causes stress in your life and
you can’t turn the relationship around, limit the amount of time you spend with that
person or end the relationship entirely.
• Take control of your environment – If the evening news makes you anxious, turn the
TV off. If traffic’s got you tense, take a longer but less-traveled route. If going to the
market is an unpleasant chore, do your grocery shopping online.
• Avoid hot-button topics – If you get upset over religion or politics, cross them off your
conversation list. If you repeatedly argue about the same subject with the same people,
stop bringing it up or excuse yourself when it’s the topic of discussion.
• Pare down your to-do list – Analyze your schedule, responsibilities, and daily tasks. If
you’ve got too much on your plate, distinguish between the “shoulds” and the “musts.”
Drop tasks that aren’t truly necessary to the bottom of the list or eliminate them entirely.
Stress management strategy #2: Alter the situation
If you can’t avoid a stressful situation, try to alter it. Figure out what you can do to change things
so the problem doesn’t present itself in the future. Often, this involves changing the way you
communicate and operate in your daily life.

• Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If something or someone is

bothering you, communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way. If you don’t
voice your feelings, resentment will build and the situation will likely remain the same.
• Be willing to compromise. When you ask someone to change their behavior, be willing
to do the same. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you’ll have a good chance
of finding a happy middle ground.
• Be more assertive. Don’t take a backseat in your own life. Deal with problems head on,
doing your best to anticipate and prevent them. If you’ve got an exam to study for and
your chatty roommate just got home, say up front that you only have five minutes to talk.
• Manage your time better. Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. When you’re
stretched too thin and running behind, it’s hard to stay calm and focused. But if you plan
ahead and make sure you don’t overextend yourself, you can alter the amount of stress
you’re under.

Stress management strategy #3: Adapt to the stressor

If you can’t change the stressor, change yourself. You can adapt to stressful situations and regain
your sense of control by changing your expectations and attitude.

• Reframe problems. Try to view stressful situations from a more positive perspective.
Rather than fuming about a traffic jam, look at it as an opportunity to pause and regroup,
listen to your favorite radio station, or enjoy some alone time.
• Look at the big picture. Take perspective of the stressful situation. Ask yourself how
important it will be in the long run. Will it matter in a month? A year? Is it really worth
getting upset over? If the answer is no, focus your time and energy elsewhere.
• Adjust your standards. Perfectionism is a major source of avoidable stress. Stop setting
yourself up for failure by demanding perfection. Set reasonable standards for yourself
and others, and learn to be okay with “good enough.”
• Focus on the positive. When stress is getting you down, take a moment to reflect on all
the things you appreciate in your life, including your own positive qualities and gifts.
This simple strategy can help you keep things in perspective.

Adjusting Your Attitude

How you think can have a profound affect on your emotional and physical well-being. Each time
you think a negative thought about yourself, your body reacts as if it were in the throes of a
tension-filled situation. If you see good things about yourself, you are more likely to feel good;
the reverse is also true. Eliminate words such as "always," "never," "should," and "must." These
are telltale marks of self-defeating thoughts.
Source: National Victim Assistance Academy, U.S. Department of Justice

Stress management strategy #4: Accept the things you can’t

change
Some sources of stress are unavoidable. You can’t prevent or change stressors such as the death
of a loved one, a serious illness, or a national recession. In such cases, the best way to cope with
stress is to accept things as they are. Acceptance may be difficult, but in the long run, it’s easier
than railing against a situation you can’t change.

• Don’t try to control the uncontrollable. Many things in life are beyond our control—
particularly the behavior of other people. Rather than stressing out over them, focus on
the things you can control such as the way you choose to react to problems.
• Look for the upside. As the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
When facing major challenges, try to look at them as opportunities for personal growth. If
your own poor choices contributed to a stressful situation, reflect on them and learn from
your mistakes.
• Share your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend or make an appointment with a therapist.
Expressing what you’re going through can be very cathartic, even if there’s nothing you
can do to alter the stressful situation.
• Learn to forgive. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world and that people
make mistakes. Let go of anger and resentments. Free yourself from negative energy by
forgiving and moving on.

Stress management strategy #5: Make time for fun and

relaxation
Beyond a take-charge approach and a positive attitude, you can reduce stress in your life by
nurturing yourself. If you regularly make time for fun and relaxation, you’ll be in a better place
to handle life’s stressors when they inevitably come.

Healthy ways to relax and recharge

• Go for a walk. • Savor a warm cup of coffee or tea.

• Spend time in nature. • Play with a pet.
• Call a good friend. • Work in your garden.
• Sweat out tension with a good workout. • Get a massage.
• Write in your journal. • Curl up with a good book.
• Take a long bath. • Listen to music.

• Light scented candles • Watch a comedy

Don’t get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that you forget to take care of your own
needs. Nurturing yourself is a necessity, not a luxury.
 • Set aside relaxation time. Include rest and relaxation in your daily schedule. Don’t
allow other obligations to encroach. This is your time to take a break from all
responsibilities and recharge your batteries.
• Connect with others. Spend time with positive people who enhance your life. A strong
support system will buffer you from the negative effects of stress.
• Do something you enjoy every day. Make time for leisure activities that bring you joy,
whether it be stargazing, playing the piano, or working on your bike.
• Keep your sense of humor. This includes the ability to laugh at yourself. The act of
laughing helps your body fight stress in a number of ways.

Learn the relaxation response

You can control your stress levels with relaxation techniques that evoke the body’s relaxation
response, a state of restfulness that is the opposite of the stress response. Regularly practicing
these techniques will build your physical and emotional resilience, heal your body, and boost
your overall feelings of joy and equanimity.

Read Stress Relief: Relaxation Practices That Reduce Stress

Stress management strategy #6: Adopt a healthy lifestyle

You can increase your resistance to stress by strengthening your physical health.

• Exercise regularly. Physical activity plays a key role in reducing and preventing the
effects of stress. Make time for at least 30 minutes of exercise, three times per week.
Nothing beats aerobic exercise for releasing pent-up stress and tension.
• Eat a healthy diet. Well-nourished bodies are better prepared to cope with stress, so be
mindful of what you eat. Start your day right with breakfast, and keep your energy up and
your mind clear with balanced, nutritious meals throughout the day.
• Reduce caffeine and sugar. The temporary "highs" caffeine and sugar provide often end
in with a crash in mood and energy. By reducing the amount of coffee, soft drinks,
chocolate, and sugar snacks in your diet, you’ll feel more relaxed and you’ll sleep better.
• Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may
provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary. Don’t avoid or mask
the issue at hand; deal with problems head on and with a clear mind.
• Get enough sleep. Adequate sleep fuels your mind, as well as your body. Feeling tired
will increase your stress because it may cause you to think irrationally.
Related Articles

Understanding Stress
Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects

Quick Stress Relief

How to Manage and Relieve Stress in the Moment

More Helpguide Articles:

• Improving Emotional Health: Strategies and Tips for Good Mental Health
• Preventing Burnout: Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Coping Strategies
• Stress at Work: How to Reduce and Manage Workplace and Job Stress
• How to Stop Worrying: Self-Help Strategies for Anxiety Relief

Related links for stress management

General information about managing and coping with stress

Managing Stress: A Guide for College Students – Offers a total wellness lifestyle plan for
managing, reducing, and coping with stress. (University Health Center, University of Georgia)

Stress Management: How Do You React During Stressful Situations? – Evaluate the way you
react to stress and learn how to transform your negative responses. (Mayo Clinic)

Stress Management for Parents – Stress management suggestions for stressed-out parents,
including fifty-two proven stress reducers. (Child Development Institute)

The Road to Resilience (PDF) – Learn how to increase your resilience, the trait that allows you
to bounce back from adversity and stress. (American Psychological Association)

Stress management strategies

Assert Yourself – Self-help modules designed to help you reduce stress, depression, and anxiety
by improving your assertiveness.
Put Off Procrastinating – Work your way through a self-help series on how to stop
procrastination problems.

What Are Some Specific Stress Reduction Methods? – Simple stress reduction suggestions,
including diet, exercise, and cognitive-behavioral techniques. Exercise Fuels the Brain's Stress
Buffers – Explains how regular exercise helps reduce and manage stress levels.

Strategies for Coping with Stress – Offers twenty-four tips for reducing and coping with stress

People who are emotionally healthy are in control of their emotions and their behavior. They are
able to handle life’s inevitable challenges, build strong relationships, and lead productive,
fulfilling lives. When bad things happen, they’re able to bounce back and move on.

Unfortunately, too many people take their mental and emotional health for granted – focusing on
it only when they develop problems. But just as it requires effort to build or maintain physical
health, so it is with mental and emotional health. The more time and energy you invest in your
emotional health, the stronger it will be. The good news is that there are many things you can do
to boost your mood, build resilience, and get more enjoyment out of life.

In This Article:

• What is mental or emotional health?

• The role of resilience
• Physical health
• Taking care of yourself
• Supportive relationships
• Risk factors
• When to seek professional help
• Related links

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What is mental health or emotional health?
Mental or emotional health refers to your overall psychological well-being. It includes the way
you feel about yourself, the quality of your relationships, and your ability to manage your
feelings and deal with difficulties.

Good mental health isn't just the absence of mental health problems. Being mentally or
emotionally healthy is much more than being free of depression, anxiety, or other psychological
issues. Rather than the absence of mental illness, mental and emotional health refers to the
presence of positive characteristics.

People who are mentally and emotionally healthy have:

• A sense of contentment.
• A zest for living and the ability to laugh and have fun.
• The ability to deal with stress and bounce back from adversity.
• A sense of meaning and purpose, in both their activities and their relationships.
• The flexibility to learn new things and adapt to change.
• A balance between work and play, rest and activity, etc.
• The ability to build and maintain fulfilling relationships.
• Self-confidence and high self-esteem.

These positive characteristics of mental and emotional health allow you to participate in life to
the fullest extent possible through productive, meaningful activities and strong relationships.
These positive characteristics also help you cope when faced with life's challenges and stresses.

The role of resilience in mental and emotional health

Being emotionally and mentally healthy doesn’t mean never going through bad times or
experiencing emotional problems. We all go through disappointments, loss, and change. And
while these are normal parts of life, they can still cause sadness, anxiety, and stress.

The difference is that people with good emotional health have an ability to bounce back from
adversity, trauma, and stress. This ability is called resilience. People who are emotionally and
mentally healthy have the tools for coping with difficult situations and maintaining a positive
outlook. They remain focused, flexible, and creative in bad times as well as good.

One of the key factors in resilience is the ability to balance your emotions. The capacity to
recognize your emotions and express them appropriately helps you avoid getting stuck in
depression, anxiety, or other negative mood states. Another key factor is having a strong support
network. Having trusted people you can turn to for encouragement and support will boost your
resilience in tough times.

Building your resilience

Resilience involves maintaining flexibility and balance in your life as you deal with stressful
circumstances and traumatic events. This happens in several ways, including:

• Letting yourself experience strong emotions, and also realizing when you may need to
avoid experiencing them at times in order to continue functioning
• Stepping forward and taking action to deal with your problems and meet the demands of
daily living, and also stepping back to rest and reenergize yourself
• Spending time with loved ones to gain support and encouragement, and also nurturing
yourself
• Relying on others, and also relying on yourself

Source: American Psychological Association

Physical health is connected to mental and emotional health

Taking care of your body is a powerful first step towards
mental and emotional health. The mind and the body are
linked. When you improve your physical health, you’ll
automatically experience greater mental and emotional well-
being. For example, exercise not only strengthens our heart
and lungs, but also releases endorphins, powerful chemicals
that energize us and lift our mood.

The activities you engage in and the daily choices you make
affect the way you feel physically and emotionally.

• Get enough rest. To have good mental and emotional health, it’s important to take care
of your body. That includes getting enough sleep. Most people need seven to eight hours
of sleep each night in order to function optimally. Learn More
• Learn about good nutrition and practice it. The subject of nutrition is complicated and
not always easy to put into practice. But the more you learn about what you eat and how
it affects your energy and mood, the better you can feel. Learn More
• Exercise to relieve stress and lift your mood. Exercise is a powerful antidote to stress,
anxiety, and depression. Look for small ways to add activity to your day, like taking the
stairs instead of the elevator or going on a short walk. To get the most mental health
benefits, aim for 30 minutes or more of exercise per day. Learn More
• Get a dose of sunlight every day. Sunlight lifts your mood, so try to get at least 10 to 15
minutes of sun per day. This can be done while exercising, gardening, or socializing.
• Limit alcohol and avoid cigarettes and other drugs.

Improve mental and emotional health by taking care of

yourself
In order to maintain and strengthen your mental and emotional health, it’s important to pay
attention to your own needs and feelings. Don’t let stress and negative emotions build up. Try to
maintain a balance between your daily responsibilities and the things you enjoy. If you take care
of yourself, you’ll be better prepared to deal with challenges if and when they arise.

Tips and strategies for taking care of yourself:

• Appeal to your senses. Stay calm and energized by appealing to the five senses: sight,
sound, touch, smell, and taste. Listen to music that lifts your mood, place flowers where
you will see and smell them, massage your hands and feet, or sip a warm drink.
• Engage in meaningful, creative work. Do things that challenge your creativity and
make you feel productive, whether or not you get paid for it – things like gardening,
drawing, writing, playing an instrument, or building something in your workshop.
• Get a pet. Yes, pets are a responsibility, but caring for one makes you feel needed and
loved. There is no love quite as unconditional as the love a pet can give. Animals can also
get you out of the house for exercise and expose you to new people and places.
• Make leisure time a priority. Do things for no other reason than that it feels good to do
them. Go to a funny movie, take a walk on the beach, listen to music, read a good book,
or talk to a friend. Doing things just because they are fun is no indulgence. Play is an
emotional and mental health necessity.
• Make time for contemplation and appreciation. Think about the things you’re grateful
for. Mediate, pray, enjoy the sunset, or simply take a moment to pay attention to what is
good, positive, and beautiful as you go about your day.

Everyone is different; not all things will be equally beneficial to all people. Some people feel
better relaxing and slowing down while others need more activity and more excitement or
stimulation to feel better. The important thing is to find activities that you enjoy and that give
you a boost.

Limit unhealthy mental habits like worrying

Try to avoid becoming absorbed by repetitive mental habits – negative thoughts about yourself
and the world that suck up time, drain your energy, and trigger feelings of anxiety, fear, and
depression.

For helpful tips on how to break the worrying habit, see How to Stop Worrying.

Manage your stress levels

Stress takes a heavy toll on mental and emotional health, so it’s important to keep it under
control. While not all stressors can be avoided, stress management strategies can help you brings
things back into balance.
For tips on how to reduce, prevent, and cope with stress, see Stress Management.

Supportive relationships: The foundation of emotional

health
No matter how much time you devote to improving your mental and emotional health, you will
still need the company of others to feel and be your best. Humans are social creatures with
emotional needs for relationships and positive connections to others.. We’re not meant to
survive, let alone thrive, in isolation. Our social brains crave companionship—even when
experience has made us shy and distrustful of others.

Tips and strategies for connecting to others:

• Get out from behind your TV or computer screen. Screens have their place but they
will never have the same effect as an expression of interest or a reassuring touch.
Communication is a largely nonverbal experience that requires you to be in direct contact
with other people, so don’t neglect your real-world relationships in favor of virtual
interaction.
• Spend time daily, face-to-face, with people you like. Make spending time with people
you enjoy a priority. Choose friends, neighbors, colleagues, and family members who are
upbeat, positive, and interested in you. Take time to inquire about people you meet
during the day that you like.
• Volunteer. Doing something that helps others has a beneficial effect on how you feel
about yourself. The meaning and purpose you find in helping others will enrich and
expand your life. There is no limit to the individual and group volunteer opportunities
you can explore. Schools, churches, nonprofits, and charitable organization of all sorts
depend on volunteers for their survival.
• Be a joiner. Join networking, social action, conservation, and special interest groups that
meet on a regular basis. These groups offer wonderful opportunities for finding people
with common interests – people you like being with who are potential friends.

Building Great Relationships

If you find it difficult to connect to others or to maintain fulfilling, long-term relationships, you
may benefit from raising your emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence allows us to
communicate clearly, “read” other people, and resolve conflicts.

For more, see Relationship Help: Building Great Relationships Using Emotional Intelligence.
Risk factors for mental and emotional problems
Your mental and emotional health has been and will continue to be shaped by your experiences.
Early childhood experiences are especially significant. Genetic and biological factors can also
play a role, but these too can be changed by experience.

Risk factors that can compromise mental and emotional health:

• Poor connection or attachment to your primary caretaker early in life. Feeling

lonely, isolated, unsafe, confused, or abused as an infant or young child.
• Traumas or serious losses, especially early in life. Death of a parent or other traumatic
experiences such as war or hospitalization.
• Learned helplessness. Negative experiences that lead to a belief that you’re helpless and
that you have little control over the situations in your life.
• Illness, especially when it’s chronic, disabling, or isolates you from others.
• Side effects of medications, especially in older people who may be taking a variety of
medications.
• Substance abuse. Alcohol and drug abuse can both cause mental health problems and
make preexisting mental or emotional problems worse.

Whatever internal or external factors have shaped your mental and emotional health, it’s never
too late to make changes that will improve your psychological well-being. Risk factors can be
counteracted with protective factors, like strong relationships, a healthy lifestyle, and coping
strategies for managing stress and negative emotions.

When to seek professional help for emotional problems

If you’ve made consistent efforts to improve your mental and emotional health and you still
don’t feel good – then it’s time to seek professional help. Because we are so socially attuned,
input from a knowledgeable, caring professional can motivate us to do things for ourselves that
we were not able to do on our own.

The question of when to seek professional help can be answered by looking over the following
list of red flags.

Red flag feelings and behaviors that require immediate attention

• Inability to sleep.
• Feeling down, hopeless, or helpless most of the time.
• Concentration problems that are interfering with your work or home life.
• Using smoking, overeating, drugs, or alcohol to cope with difficult emotions.
• Negative or self-destructive thoughts or fears that you can’t control.
• Thoughts of death or suicide.
If you identify with any of these red flag symptoms, make an appointment with a mental health
professional – and the sooner, the better. It’s much easier to overcome a mental or emotional
problem if you deal with it while it’s small, rather than waiting until it’s a major, entrenched
problem.

To learn more about professional treatment options for emotional health problems, see
Psychotherapy and Counseling: Finding a Therapist and Getting the Most out of Therapy.

Related articles

Understanding Stress
Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects

Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

Five Key Skills for Raising Your Emotional Intelligence

More Helpguide Articles:

• Laughter is the Best Medicine: The Health Benefits of Humor and Laughter
• Tips for Getting Better Sleep: How to Sleep Well Every Night
• Healthy Eating: Tips for a Healthier Diet and Better Nutrition
• Making Exercise Fun: Finding a Fitness Plan that Works for You

How to Reduce and Manage Job and Workplace Stress

In this difficult economy, you may find it harder than ever to cope with challenges on the job.
Both the stress we take with us when we go to work and the stress that awaits us on the job are
on the rise – and employers, managers, and workers all feel the added pressure. While some
stress is a normal part of life, excessive stress interferes with your productivity and reduces your
physical and emotional health, so it’s important to find ways to keep it under control.
Fortunately, there is a lot that you can do to manage and reduce stress at work.

In This Article:

• Coping with work stress

• Warning signs
• Taking care of yourself
• Prioritizing and organizing
• Improving emotional intelligence
• Breaking bad habits
• What managers or employers can do
• Related links

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Coping with work stress in today’s uncertain climate

For workers everywhere, the troubled economy may feel like an emotional roller coaster.
"Layoffs" and "budget cuts" have become bywords in the workplace, and the result is increased
fear, uncertainty, and higher levels of stress. Since job and workplace stress grow in times of
economic crisis, it’s important to learn new and better ways of coping with the pressure. The
ability to manage stress in the workplace can make the difference between success or failure on
the job. Your emotions are contagious, and stress has an impact on the quality of your
interactions with others. The better you are at managing your own stress, the more you'll
positively affect those around you and the less other people's stress will negatively affect you.

You can learn how to manage job stress

There are a variety of steps you can take to reduce both your overall stress levels and the stress
you find on the job and in the workplace. These include:

• Taking responsibility for improving your physical and emotional well-being.

• Avoiding pitfalls by identifying knee jerk habits and negative attitudes that add to the
stress you experience at work.
• Learning better communication skills to ease and improve your relationships with
management and coworkers.

Warning signs of excessive stress at work

When people feel overwhelmed, they lose confidence and become irritable or withdrawn,
making them less productive and effective and their work less rewarding. If the warning signs of
work stress go unattended, they can lead to bigger problems. Beyond interfering with job
performance and satisfaction, chronic or intense stress can also lead to physical and emotional
health problems.

Signs and symptoms of excessive job and workplace stress

• Feeling anxious, irritable, or depressed • Muscle tension orheadaches

• Apathy, loss of interest in work. • Stomach problems
• Problems sleeping • Social withdrawal
• Fatigue, • Loss of sex drive

• Trouble concentrating • Using alcohol or drugs to cope

Common causes of excessive workplace stress

• Fear of layoffs
• Increased demands for overtime due to staff cutbacks
• Pressure to perform to meet rising expectations but with no increase in job satisfaction
• Pressure to work at optimum levels – all the time!

Reducing job stress by taking care of yourself

When stress on the job is interfering with your ability to work, care for yourself, or manage your
personal life, it’s time to take action. Start by paying attention to your physical and emotional
health. When your own needs are taken care of, you’re stronger and more resilient to stress. The
better you feel, the better equipped you’ll be to manage work stress without becoming
overwhelmed.

Taking care of yourself doesn’t require a total lifestyle overhaul. Even small things can lift your
mood, increase your energy, and make you feel like you’re back in the driver’s seat. Take things
one step at a time, and as you make more positive lifestyle choices, you’ll soon notice a
noticeable difference in your stress level, both at home at work.

Get moving

Aerobic exercise –perspiring -is an effective anti-anxiety treatment lifting mood, increasing
energy, sharpening focus and relaxing mind and body. For maximum stress relief, try to get at
least 30 minutes of hear pounding activity on most days but activity can be broken up into two or
three short segments.

For more information, see Making Exercise Fun.

Make food choices that keep you going and make you feel good
Eating small but frequent meals throughout the day maintains an even level of blood sugar in
your body. Low blood sugar makes you feel anxious and irritable. On the other hand, eating too
much can make you lethargic.

To learn more about food that have a calming effect, lift your mood and make you feel good, see
Tips for a Healthy Diet.

Drink alcohol in moderation and avoid nicotine

Alcohol temporarily reduces anxiety and worry, but too much can cause anxiety as it wears off.
Drinking to relieve job stress can also start you on a path to alcohol abuse and dependence.
Similarly, smoking when you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed may seem calming, but
nicotine is a powerful stimulant – leading to higher, not lower, levels of anxiety.

Get enough sleep

Stress and worry can cause insomnia. But lack of sleep also leaves you vulnerable to stress.
When you're sleep deprived, your ability to handle stress is compromised. When you're well-
rested, it's much easier to keep your emotional balance, a key factor in coping with job and
workplace stress.

For more information, see Tips for a Good Night's Sleep.

Reducing job stress by prioritizing and organizing

When job and workplace stress surrounds you, you can’t ignore it, but there are simple steps you
can take to regain control over yourself and the situation. Your growing sense of self-control will
also be perceived by others as the strength it is, leading to better relationships at work. Here are
some suggestions for reducing job stress by prioritizing and organizing your responsibilities.

Time management tips for reducing job stress

• Create a balanced schedule. Analyze your schedule, responsibilities, and daily tasks.
All work and no play is a recipe for burnout. Try to find a balance between work and
family life, social activities and solitary pursuits, daily responsibilities and downtime.
• Don’t over-commit yourself. Avoid scheduling things back-to-back or trying to fit too
much into one day. All too often, we underestimate how long things will take. If you've
got too much on your plate, distinguish between the "shoulds" and the "musts." Drop
tasks that aren't truly necessary to the bottom of the list or eliminate them entirely.
• Try to leave earlier in the morning. Even 10-15 minutes can make the difference
between frantically rushing to your desk and having time to ease into your day. Don’t add
to your stress levels by running late.
• Plan regular breaks. Make sure to take short breaks throughout the day to sit back and
clear your mind. Also try to get away from your desk for lunch. Stepping away from
work to briefly relax and recharge will help you be more, not less, productive.
Task management tips for reducing job stress

• Prioritize tasks. Make a list of tasks you have to do, and tackle them in order of
importance. Do the high-priority items first. If you have something particularly
unpleasant to do, get it over with early. The rest of your day will be more pleasant as a
result.
• Break projects into small steps. If a large project seems overwhelming, make a step-by-
step plan. Focus on one manageable step at a time, rather than taking on everything at
once.
• Delegate responsibility. You don’t have to do it all yourself, whether at home, school, or
on the job. If other people can take care of the task, why not let them? Let go of the desire
to control or oversee every little step. You’ll be letting go of unnecessary stress in the
process.

Reducing workplace stress by improving emotional

intelligence
Even if you’re in a job where the environment has grown increasingly stressful, you can retain a
large measure of self-control and self-confidence by understanding and practicing emotional
intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage and use your emotions in positive
and constructive ways. It's about communicating with others in ways that draw people to you,
overcome differences, repair wounded feelings, and defuse tension and stress.

Emotional intelligence in the workplace:

Emotional intelligence in the workplace has four major components:

• Self-awareness – The ability to recognize your emotions and their impact while using
gut feelings to guide your decisions.
• Self-management – The ability to control your emotions and behavior and adapt to
changing circumstances.
• Social awareness – The ability to sense, understand, and react to other's emotions and
feel comfortable socially.
• Relationship management – The ability to inspire, influence, and connect to others and
manage conflict.

Reducing stress in the workplace with emotional intelligence

The more emotional intelligence you have, the more stress you can avoid in the workplace.
Fortunately, emotional intelligence is not something we’re born with; it’s something we can
learn and develop.

To learn how to increase your emotional intelligence, read Five Key Skills for Raising Your
Emotional Intelligence.

The skill set that enables you to acquire these capabilities can be learned but requires the
development of emotional and nonverbal ways of communicating that include:

• Learning to recognize your particular stress response and become familiar with sensual
cues that can rapidly calm and energize you.
• Staying connected to your internal emotional experience so you can appropriately
manage your own emotions. Knowing what you are feeling will not only add to your self
confidence and improve your self control but enhance your understanding of others and
help you build more satisfying relationships.
• Learning to recognize and effectively use the nonverbal cues that make up 95-98% of
your communication process including eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice,
posture , gesture and touch. Its not what you say but how you say it that impacts others –
for better or worse.
• Developing the capacity to meet challenges with humor. There is no better stress buster
than a hardy laugh and nothing reduces stress quicker in the workplace than mutually
shared humor. But, if the laugh is at someone else’s expense, you may end up with more
rather than less stress.
• Learning to navigate conflict by becoming a good listener and someone who can face
conflict fearlessly with the expectation that differences resolved will strengthen the
relationship.

Reducing workplace stress by breaking bad habits

As you learn to manage your job stress and improve your work relationships, you’ll have more
control over your ability to think clearly and act appropriately. You will be able to break habits
that add to your stress at work – and you’ll even be able to change negative ways of thinking
about things that only add to your stress.

Eliminate self-defeating behaviors

Many of us make job stress worse with patterns of thought or behavior that keep us from
relieving pressure on ourselves. If you can turn around these self-defeating habits, you’ll find
employer-imposed stress easier to handle.

• Resist perfectionism. No project, situation, or decision is ever perfect, and you put
undue stress on yourself by trying to do everything perfectly. When you set unrealistic
goals for yourself or try to do too much, you’re setting yourself up to fall short. Do your
best, and you’ll do fine.
 • Clean up your act. If you’re always running late, set your clocks and watches fast and
give yourself extra time. If your desk is a mess, file and throw away the clutter; just
knowing where everything is saves time and cuts stress. Make to-do lists and cross off
items as you accomplish them. Plan your day and stick to the schedule — you’ll feel less
overwhelmed.
• Flip your negative thinking. If you see the downside of every situation and interaction,
you’ll find yourself drained of energy and motivation. Try to think positively about your
work, avoid negative-thinking co-workers, and pat yourself on the back about small
accomplishments, even if no one else does.

Find Ways to Dispel Stress

• Get time away. If you feel stress building, take a break. Walk away from the situation.
Take a stroll around the block, sit on a park bench, or spend a few minutes meditating.
Exercise does wonders for the psyche. But even just finding a quiet place and listening to
your iPod can reduce stress.
• Talk it out. Sometimes the best stress-reducer is simply sharing your stress with
someone close to you. The act of talking it out – and getting support and empathy from
someone else – is often an excellent way of blowing off steam and reducing stress.
• Cultivate allies at work. Just knowing you have one or more co-workers who are willing
to assist you in times of stress will reduce your stress level. Just remember to reciprocate
and help them when they are in need.
• Find humor in the situation. When you – or the people around you – start taking things
too seriously, find a way to break through with laughter. Share a joke or funny story.

Adapted from Quintessential Careers

What managers or employers can do to reduce stress at

work
It's in a manager's best interest to keep stress levels in the workplace to a minimum. Managers
must act as positive role models, especially in times of high stress. All of the tips mentioned in
this article are twice as important for managers to follow. If someone that we admire remains
calm, it is much easier to remain calm ourselves – and vice versa! There are also organizational
changes that managers and employers can make to reduce workplace stress.

Improve communication

• Share information with employees to reduce uncertainty about their jobs and futures.
• Clearly define employees’ roles and responsibilities.
• Make communication friendly and efficient, not mean-spirited or petty.

Consult your employees

• Give workers opportunities to participate in decisions that affect their jobs.

 • Consult employees about scheduling and work rules.
• Be sure the workload is suitable to employees’ abilities and resources; avoid unrealistic
deadlines.
• Show that individual workers are valued.

Offer rewards and incentives

• Praise good work performance verbally and institutionally.

• Provide opportunities for career development.
• Promote an “entrepreneurial” work climate that gives employees more control over their
work.

Cultivate a friendly social climate

• Provide opportunities for social interaction among employees.

• Establish a zero-tolerance policy for harassment.
• Make management actions consistent with organizational values.

Related Articles

Stress Management
How to Reduce, Prevent, and Cope with Stress

Preventing Burnout
Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Coping Strategies

More Helpguide Articles:

• Finding the Best Job for You: Defining the Career That Works for You
• Understanding Stress: Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects
• Quick Stress Relief: How to Manage and Relieve Stress in the Moment

Related links for job and workplace stress

General information about stress at work
STRESS … At Work – Highlights current knowledge about the causes of stress at work and
outlines steps that can be taken to prevent it. (National Institute for Occupational Safety and
Health)

Stress at Work (PDF) – Advisory booklet offers help and advice for anyone dealing with job and
workplace stress. (Acas)

Workplace Stress – Describes the signs, causes, and effects of stress in general and on the job,
and how management and employees can deal with workplace stress. (Canadian Centre for
Occupational Health and Safety)

Stress in the Workplace: A Costly Epidemic – Delineates the causes and costs of workplace
stress and also includes ideas for coping with stress on the job. Includes warning signs of stress
(to the left of the article). (Fairleigh Dickinson University)

Managing and reducing job stress

Stress Management – Document by England’s Chartered Management Institute covers job stress
management and quick stress reduction tips. (businessballs.com)

Managing Job Stress: 10 Strategies for Coping and Thriving at Work – From a career advice and
job-search site, describing stress management techniques for the workplace. (Quintessential
Careers)

Stress in the Workplace – Workplace stress from the employee’s point of view; gives
suggestions for gaining control over some aspects of one’s job. (American Psychological
Association)

Managing Job Stress – Readable, employee-centered site providing a wealth of strategies for
reducing workplace stress. (Portland Community College)

Workplace Stress and Your Health – Covers the dangers of work-related stress and what can you
do about it. (Web MD)

Work stress tips for employers and managers

Reducing Occupational Stress – Guide for managers and supervisors on how to make changes in
the workplace to reduce stress. (Job Stress Network)

Reducing Stress in the Workplace – Presented from management’s point of view, this article
offers strategies for stress reduction that benefit employees and corporations alike. (The Institute
for Management Excellence)

How to Stop Worrying

Self-Help Strategies for Anxiety Relief

Worrying can be helpful when it spurs you to take action and solve a problem. But if you’re
preoccupied with “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios, worry becomes a problem of its own.
Unrelenting doubts and fears are paralyzing, not motivating or productive. They sap your
emotional energy, send your anxiety levels soaring, and interfere with your day-to-day life–all
this with no positive payoff! The good news is that chronic worrying is a mental habit you can
learn how to break. You can train your brain to stay calm and collected and to look at life from a
more positive perspective.

In This Article:

• Why is it so hard to stop worrying?

• Accept uncertainty
• Create a worry period
• Challenge negative thoughts
• Learn how to relax
• Take care of yourself
• Raise emotional intelligence
• Related links

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Why is it so hard to stop worrying?

Why You Keep Worrying

You have mixed feelings about your worries. On one hand, your worries are bothering you - you
can't sleep, and you can't get these pessimistic thoughts out of your head. But there is a way that
these worries make sense to you. For example, you think:
 • Maybe I'll find a solution.
• I don't want to overlook anything.
• If I keep thinking a little longer, maybe I'll figure it out.
• I don't want to be surprised.
• I want to be responsible.

You have a hard time giving up on your worries because, in a sense, your worries have been
working for you.

Source: The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You by Robert L. Leahy,
Ph.D.

Constant worrying takes a heavy toll. It keeps you up at night and makes you tense and edgy
during the day. You hate feeling like a nervous wreck. So why is it so difficult to stop worrying?

For most chronic worriers, the anxious thoughts are fueled by the beliefs–both negative and
positive–they hold about worrying.

On the negative side, you may believe that your constant worrying is harmful, that it’s going to
drive you crazy or affect your physical health. Or you may worry that you’re going to lose all
control over your worrying–that it will take over and never stop.

On the positive side, you may believe that your worrying helps you avoid bad things, prevents
problems, prepares you for the worst, or leads to solutions.

Negative beliefs, or worrying about worrying, add to your anxiety and keep worry going. But
positive beliefs about worrying can be even more damaging. It’s tough to break the worry habit
if you believe that your worrying protects you. In order to stop worry and anxiety for good, you
must give up your belief that worrying serves a positive purpose. Once you realize that worrying
is the problem, not the solution, you can regain control of your worried mind.

Worry and anxiety self-help tip #1: Accept uncertainty

The inability to tolerate uncertainty plays a huge role in anxiety and worry. Chronic worriers
can’t stand doubt or unpredictability. They need to know with 100 percent certainty what’s going
to happen. Worrying is seen as a way to predict what the future has in store, a way to prevent
unpleasant surprises and control the outcome. The problem is, it doesn’t work.

Thinking about all the things that could go wrong doesn’t make life any more predictable. You
may feel safer when you’re worrying, but it’s just an illusion. Focusing on worst-case scenarios
won’t keep bad things from happening. It will only keep you from enjoying the good things you
have in the present. So if you want to stop worrying, start by tackling your need for certainty and
immediate answers.

Challenging intolerance of uncertainty: The key to anxiety relief

Ask yourself the following questions and write down your responses. See if you can come to an
understanding of the disadvantages and problems of being intolerant of uncertainty.

• Is it possible to be certain about everything in life?

• What are the advantages of requiring certainty, versus the disadvantages? Or, how is
needing certainty in life helpful and unhelpful?
• Do you tend to predict bad things will happen just because they are uncertain? Is this a
reasonable thing to do? What is the likelihood of positive or neutral outcomes?
• Is it possible to live with the small chance that something negative may happen, given its
likelihood is very low?

Adapted from Accepting Uncertainty, Centre for Clinical Interventions

Worry and anxiety self-help tip #2: Create a worry period

It’s tough to be productive in your daily life when anxiety and worry are dominating your
thoughts. Trying to stop worrying doesn’t work - at least not for long. You can distract yourself
for a moment, but you can’t banish your anxious thoughts for good. Trying to do so often makes
them stronger. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to control your worry. You just
need to try a different approach. Rather than trying to totally suppress an anxious thought,
develop the habit of postponing worrying.

Learning to postpone worrying:

• Create a “worry period.” Choose a set time and place for worrying. It should be the same
every day (e.g. In the living room from 5:00 to 5:20 p.m.) and early enough that it won’t
make you anxious right before bedtime. During your worry period, you’re allowed to
worry about whatever’s on your mind. The rest of the day, however, is a worry-free zone.
• Postpone your worry. If an anxious thought or worry comes into your head during the
day, make a brief note of it on paper and postpone it to your worry period. Remind
yourself that you’ll have time to think about it later, so there’s no need to worry about it
right now. Save it for later and continue to go about your day.
• Go over your “worry list” during the worry period. Reflect on the worries you wrote
down during the day. If the thoughts are still bothering you, allow yourself to worry
about them, but only for the amount of time you’ve specified for your worry period. If the
worries don’t seem important any more, cut your worry period short and enjoy the rest of
your day.

Postponing worrying is effective because it breaks the habit of dwelling on worries in the present
moment. As you develop the ability to postpone your anxious thoughts, you’ll experience a
greater sense of control.

Worry and anxiety self-help tip #3: Challenge negative

thoughts
If you suffer from chronic anxiety and worries, chances are you look at the world in ways that
make it seem more dangerous than it really is. For example, you may overestimate the possibility
that things will turn out badly, jump immediately to worst-case scenarios, or treat every negative
thought as if it were fact. You may also discredit your own ability to handle life’s problems,
assuming you’ll fall apart at the first sign of trouble. These irrational, pessimistic attitudes are
known as cognitive distortions.

Although cognitive distortions aren’t based on reality, they’re not easy to give up. Often, they’re
part of a lifelong pattern of thinking that’s become so automatic you’re not even completely
aware of it. In order to break these bad thinking habits and stop the worry and anxiety they bring
- you must retrain your brain.

Start by identifying the frightening thought, being as detailed as possible about what scares or
worries you. Then, instead of viewing your thoughts as facts, treat them as hypotheses you’re
testing out. As you examine and challenge your worries and fears, you’ll develop a more
balanced perspective.

Stop worry by questioning the worried thought:

• What’s the evidence that the thought is true? That it’s not true?
• Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?
• What’s the probability that what I’m scared of will actually happen?
• If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?
• Is the thought helpful? How will worrying about it help me and how will it hurt me?
• What would I say to a friend who had this worry?

Cognitive Distortions that Lead to Anxiety and Worry

All-or-nothing Looking at things in black-or-white categories, with no middle ground (“If
thinking I fall short of perfection, I’m a total failure.”)
Overgeneralization Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true
forever (“I didn’t get hired for the job; I’ll never get any job.”)
The mental filter Focusing on the negatives while filtering out all the positives. Noticing the
one thing that went wrong, rather than all the things that went right.
Diminishing the Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count (“I did well on
positive the presentation, but that was just dumb luck.”)
Jumping to Making negative interpretations without actual evidence. You act like a
conclusions mind reader (“I can tell she secretly hates me.”) or a fortune teller (“I just
know something terrible is going to happen.”)
Catastrophizing Expecting the worst-case scenario to happen (“The pilot said we’re in for
some turbulence. The plane’s going to crash!”)
Emotional reasoning Believing that the way you feel reflects reality (“I feel frightened right
now. That must mean I’m in real physical danger.”)
'Shoulds’ and Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should and shouldn’t do–and
‘should-nots’ beating yourself up if you break any of the rules
Labeling Labeling yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings (“I’m a
failure; an idiot; a loser.”)
Cognitive Distortions that Lead to Anxiety and Worry
Personalization Assuming responsibility for things that are outside your control (“It’s my
fault my son got in an accident. I should have warned him to drive
carefully in the rain.”)

Worry and anxiety self-help tip #4: Learn how to relax

Anxiety is more than just a feeling. It’s the body’s physical “fight or flight” reaction to a
perceived threat. Your heart pounds, you breathe faster, your muscles tense up, and you feel
light-headed. When you’re relaxed, the complete opposite happens. Your heart rate slows down,
you breathe slower and more deeply, your muscles relax, and your blood pressure stabilizes.
Since it’s impossible to be anxious and relaxed at the same time, strengthening your body’s
relaxation response is a powerful anxiety-relieving tactic.

If you’re a chronic worrier, relaxation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep
breathing, and meditation can teach you how to relax. The key is regular practice. Try to set
aside at least 30 minutes a day. Over time, the relaxation response will come easier and easier,
until it feels natural.

• Progressive muscle relaxation. When anxiety takes hold, progressive muscle relaxation
can help you release muscle tension and take a “time out” from your worries. The
technique involves systematically tensing and then releasing different muscle groups in
your body. As your body relaxes, your mind will follow.
• Deep breathing. When you’re anxious, you breathe faster. This hyperventilation causes
symptoms such as dizziness, breathlessness, lightheadedness, and tingly hands and feet.
These physical symptoms are frightening, leading to further anxiety and panic. But by
breathing deeply from the diaphragm, you can reverse these symptoms and calm yourself
down.
• Meditation. Many types of meditation have been shown to reduce anxiety. Mindfulness
meditation, in particular, shows promise for anxiety relief. Research shows that
mindfulness meditation can actually change your brain. With regular practice, meditation
boosts activity on the left side of the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible
for feelings of serenity and joy.

Relaxation techniques for anxiety relief

From tai chi and yoga to meditation and deep breathing, there are many relaxation techniques
that can help stop worry and anxiety.

Read: Stress Relief: Yoga, Meditation, and other Relaxation Techniques

Worry and anxiety self-help tip #5: Take care of yourself

A healthy, balanced lifestyle plays a big role in keeping anxiety, fears, and worry at bay. Read on
for a number of ways you can stop anxiety and worry by taking care of yourself.

Reach out for support

Anxiety and worry get worse when you feel powerless and alone, but there is strength in
numbers. Focus on building a strong support system. The more connected you are to other
people, the less vulnerable you’ll feel. If you start to feel overwhelmed with worry, call a trusted
family member or friend. Just talking out loud about your worries can make them seem less
threatening.

Adopt healthy eating habits

Start the day right with breakfast, and continue with frequent small meals
throughout the day. Going too long without eating leads to low blood sugar, which can make you
feel anxious and irritable. Eat plenty of complex carbohydrates such as whole grains, fruits, and
vegetables. Not only do complex carbs stabilize blood sugar, they also boost serotonin, a
neurotransmitter with calming effects.

Read: Tips for a Healthy Diet

Limit caffeine and sugar

Stop drinking or cut back on caffeinated beverages, including soda, coffee, and tea. Caffeine can
increase anxiety, interfere with sleep, and even provoke panic attacks. Reduce the amount of
refined sugar you eat, too. Sugary snacks and desserts cause blood sugar to spike and then crash,
leaving you feeling emotionally and physically drained.

Exercise regularly

Exercise is a natural and effective anti-anxiety treatment. For maximum

anxiety relief, try to get at least 30 minutes of aerobic activity on most days. Aerobic exercise
relieves tension and stress, boosts physical and mental energy, and enhances well-being through
the release of endorphins, the brain’s feel-good chemicals.

Read: Making Exercise Fun

Avoid alcohol and nicotine

Alcohol temporarily reduces anxiety and worry, but it actually causes anxiety symptoms as it
wears off. Drinking for anxiety relief also starts you on a path that can lead to alcohol abuse and
dependence. Lighting up when you’re feeling anxious is also a bad idea. While it may seem like
cigarettes are calming, nicotine is actually a powerful stimulant. Smoking leads to higher, not
lower, levels of anxiety.

Get enough sleep

Anxiety and worry can cause insomnia, as anyone whose racing thoughts have
kept them up at night can attest. But lack of sleep can also contribute to anxiety. When you’re
sleep deprived, your ability to handle stress is compromised. When you’re well rested, it’s much
easier to keep your emotional balance, a key factor in coping with anxiety and stopping worry.

Read: Tips for a Good Night's Sleep

Worry and anxiety self-help tip #6: Raise your emotional

intelligence
Emotions are powerful. They can override thoughts and profoundly influence behavior. But if
you are emotionally intelligent, you can harness the power of your emotions.

Emotional intelligence isn’t a safety net that protects you from life’s tragedies, frustrations, or
disappointments. We all go through disappointments, loss, and change. And while these are
normal parts of life, they can still cause sadness, anxiety, and stress. But emotional intelligence
gives you the ability to cope and bounce back from adversity, trauma, and loss. In other words,
emotional intelligence makes you resilient.

Emotional intelligence gives you the ability to:

• Remain hopeful during challenging and difficult times

• Manage strong feelings and impulses
• Quickly rebound from frustration and disappointment
• Ask for and get support when needed
• Solve problems in positive, creative ways
 Learn how to raise your emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence gives you the tools for coping with difficult situations and maintaining a
positive outlook. It helps you stay focused, flexible, and creative in bad times as well as good.
The capacity to recognize your emotions and express them appropriately helps you avoid getting
stuck in depression, anxiety, or other negative mood states.

Read: Emotional Intelligence: The Five Key Skills

Related Articles

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Symptoms, Treatment, and Self-Help

Stress Management
How to Reduce, Prevent, and Cope with Stress

More Helpguide Articles:

• Relaxation Techniques for Stress Relief: Relaxation Exercises to Reduce Stress, Anxiety,
and Depression
• Anxiety Medication: What You Need to Know About Anti-Anxiety Drugs
• Therapy for Anxiety Disorders: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Exposure Therapy, and
Other Options
• Tips for Getting Better Sleep: How to Sleep Well Every Night

Related links for how to stop worry and anxiety

Self-help for anxiety and worry
Warding off Worries – Reprint of a Newsweek article on what happens in our brains when we
worry and what we can do to stop worrying and chronic anxiety. (The American Institute for
Cognitive Therapy)

Undoing the Worrying Habit – Outlines several cognitive-behavioral strategies for anxiety relief,
including how to stop worrying by overcoming the idea that it serves a purpose. (Anxiety
Culture)

Fighting Life's "What Ifs" – Answers to why we worry and what we can do to combat
pessimistic predictions, relieve anxiety, and stop chronic worrying. (Psychology Today)

Excerpt of "The Worry Cure" - Excerpt of The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from
Stopping You, a book by psychologist Robert L. Leahy. (CBS News)

Mastering your worries: A self-help course for anxiety relief

What? Me Worry!?! – Self-help course with 11 sequential modules or workbooks that teach you
how to stop worrying and get anxiety relief. (Centre for Clinical Interventions, Department of
Health, Government of Western Australia):

• Module 1: Overview of Generalised Anxiety - (PDF) - Provides a general description of

anxiety, including the telltale signs and symptoms.
• Module 2: Overview of Worrying - (PDF) - Provides an overview of what worrying is,
what triggers it, and why it’s so hard to stop worrying.
• Module 3: Negative Beliefs about Worrying (Part 1) - (PDF) - Explores some
negative beliefs you might have about worrying and ways of stopping worry by changing
such beliefs.
• Module 4: Negative Beliefs about Worrying (Part 2) - (PDF) – Help for challenging
negative beliefs about worrying, in particular the belief "Worrying is dangerous."
• Module 5: Positive Beliefs about Worrying - (PDF) – Learn how to stop worry and
anxiety by challenging positive beliefs about worrying.
• Module 6: Challenging Worries - (PDF) - Describes an active way of dealing with the
specific worries you have by challenging them head on.
• Module 7: Letting Go of Worries - (PDF) – Describes a different way of dealing with
specific worries, including the steps toward stopping worries by letting them go.
• Module 8: Accepting Uncertainty - (PDF) – Examines how the need for certainty keeps
worrying going and how to ultimately accept uncertainty in life.
• Module 9: Problem-Solving - (PDF) - Describes some valuable strategies for solving
problems that you encounter in your day-to-day life, rather than worrying about them.
• Module 10: Relaxation - (PDF) - Describes how you can reduce your anxiety and stop
excessive worrying by gaining control of your breathing and learning relaxation
techniques.
• Module 11: Self Management - (PDF) - Describes how to maintain your anxiety relief
gains and continue the progress you have made throughout the previous modules.
Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
Five Key Skills for Raising Your Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a different type of intelligence. It’s about being “heart smart,”
not just “book smart.” The evidence shows that emotional intelligence matters just as much as
intellectual ability, if not more so, when it comes to happiness and success in life. Emotional
intelligence helps you build strong relationships, succeed at work, and achieve your goals.

The skills of emotional intelligence can be developed throughout life. You can boost your own
“EQ” by learning how to rapidly reduce stress, connect to your emotions, communicate
nonverbally, use humor and play to deal with challenges, and defuse conflicts with confidence
and self-assurance.

In This Article:

• What is emotional intelligence?

• How to raise your emotional intelligence
• Skill 1: Rapidly reduce stress
• Skill 2: Connect to your emotions
• Skill 3: Improve nonverbal communication
• Skill 4: Use humor to deal with challenges
• Skill 5: Resolve conflict positively
• Related links

Print Authors

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What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage your emotions in
positive and constructive ways. It's about recognizing your own emotional state and the
emotional states of others. Emotional intelligence is also about engaging with others in ways that
draw people to you.

Emotional intelligence consists of four core abilities:

• Self-awareness – The ability to recognize your own emotions and how they
affect your thoughts and behavior, know your strengths and weaknesses, and
have self-confidence.
• Self-management – The ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors,
manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on
commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.
• Social awareness – The ability to understand the emotions, needs, and
concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable
socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.
• Relationship management – The ability to develop and maintain good
relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in
a team, and manage conflict.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) vs. Intellectual Intelligence (IQ)

Most of us have learned not to trust our emotions. We've been told emotions distort the more
“accurate” information our intellect supplies. Even the term “emotional” has come to mean
weak, out of control, and even childish. "Don't be a baby!" we say to the little boy who is crying
on the playground. "Leave him alone! Let him work it out!" we admonish the little girl who runs
to help the little boy.

On the other hand, our abilities to memorize and problem-solve, to spell words and do
mathematical calculations, are easily measured on written tests and slapped as grades on report
cards. Ultimately, these intellectual abilities dictate which college will accept us and which
career paths we‘re advised to follow.

However, intellectual intelligence (IQ) is usually less important in determining how successful
we are than emotional intelligence (EQ). We all know people who are academically brilliant and
yet are socially inept and unsuccessful. What they are missing is emotional intelligence.

Emotional development: How to raise your emotional

intelligence
VIDEO
Raising Emotional Intelligence

From Emotional Intelligence Central

A Helpguide project

Most of us know that there is a world of difference between knowledge and behavior, or
applying that knowledge to make changes in our lives. There are many things we may know and
want to do, but don’t or can’t when we’re under pressure. This is especially true when it comes
to emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is not learned in the standard intellectual way; it must be learned and
understood on an emotional level. We can’t simply read about emotional intelligence or master it
through memorization. In order to learn about emotional intelligence in a way that produces
change, we need to engage the emotional parts of the brain in ways that connect us to others.
This kind of learning is based on what we see, hear, and feel. Intellectual understanding is an
important first step, but the development of emotional intelligence depends on sensory,
nonverbal learning and real-life practice.

Developing emotional intelligence through five key skills:

Emotional intelligence consists of five key skills, each building on the last:

• Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: The ability to quickly reduce stress.

• Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: The ability to recognize and manage your
emotions.
• Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 3: The ability to connect with others using
nonverbal communication.
• Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: The ability to use humor and play to deal
with challenges.
• Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: The ability to resolve conflicts positively
and with confidence.

The five skills of emotional intelligence can be learned by anyone, at anytime. But there is a
difference between learning about emotional intelligence and applying that knowledge to your
life. Just because you know you should do something doesn’t mean you will—especially when
you’re feeling stressed. This is especially true when it comes to the skills of emotional
intelligence.
Raising your emotional intelligence by engaging your emotions

When you become overwhelmed by stress, the emotional parts of your brain override the rational
parts—hijacking your best-laid plans, intentions, and strategies. In order to permanently change
behavior in ways that stand up under pressure, you need to learn how to take advantage of the
powerful emotional parts of the brain that remain active and accessible even in times of stress.
This means that you can’t simply read about emotional intelligence in order to master it. You
have to learn the skills on a deeper, emotional level—experiencing and practicing them in your
everyday life.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: Rapidly reduce stress

When we’re under high levels of stress, rational thinking and decision making go out the
window. Runaway stress overwhelms the mind and body, getting in the way of our ability to
accurately “read” a situation, hear what someone else is saying, be aware of our own feelings and
needs, and communicate clearly.
The first key skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to quickly calm yourself down when
you’re feeling overwhelmed. Being able to manage stress in the moment is the key to resilience.
This emotional intelligence skill helps you stay balanced, focused, and in control–no matter what
challenges you face.

Stress busting: functioning well in the heat of the moment

Develop your stress busting skills by working through the following three steps:

• Realize when you’re stressed – The first step to reducing stress is

recognizing what stress feels like. Many of us spend so much time in an
unbalanced state that we’ve forgotten what it feels like to be calm and
relaxed.
• Identify your stress response – Everyone reacts differently to stress. Do
you tend to space out and get depressed? Become angry and agitated?
Freeze with anxiety? The best way to quickly calm yourself depends on your
specific stress response.
• Discover the stress busting techniques that work for you – The best
way to reduce stress quickly is through the senses: through sight, sound,
smell, taste, and touch. But each person responds differently to sensory
input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

To learn more, see How to Manage Stress: Tips to Quickly Relieve Stress in the Moment

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: Connect to your

emotions
The second key skill of emotional intelligence is having a moment-to-moment awareness of your
emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions. Emotional awareness is the key to
understanding yourself and others.

Many people are disconnected from their emotions–especially strong core emotions such as
anger, sadness, fear, and joy. But although we can distort, deny, or numb our feelings, we can’t
eliminate them. They’re still there, whether we’re aware of them or not. Unfortunately, without
emotional awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to
communicate effectively with others.

What kind of a relationship do you have with your emotions?

• Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after

another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you
experience in places like your stomach or chest?
• Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger,
sadness, fear, joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
• Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture
both your attention and that of others?
• Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision
making?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or turned off. In
order to be emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent, you must reconnect to your core
emotions, accept them, and become comfortable with them.

To learn more, see Emotional Awareness: Managing and Dealing with Emotions and Feelings

Emotional intelligence skill (EQ) 3: Nonverbal

communication
Being a good communicator requires more than just verbal skills. Oftentimes, what we say is less
important than how we say it or the other nonverbal signals we send out. In order to hold the
attention of others and build connection and trust, we need to be aware of and in control of our
nonverbal cues. We also need to be able to accurately read and respond to the nonverbal cues
that other people send us.

Nonverbal communication is the third skill of emotional intelligence. This wordless form of
communication is emotionally driven. It asks the questions: “Are you listening?” and “Do you
understand and care?” Answers to these questions are expressed in the way we listen, look,
move, and react. Our nonverbal messages will produce a sense of interest, trust, excitement, and
desire for connection–or they will generate fear, confusion, distrust, and disinterest.

Part of improving nonverbal communication involves paying attention to:

 • Eye contact
• Facial expression
• Tone of voice

• Posture and gesture

• Touch
• Timing and pace

To learn more, see Nonverbal Communication Skills: The Power of Nonverbal Communication
and Body Language.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: Use humor and play to

deal with challenges

Humor, laughter, and play are natural antidotes to life’s difficulties. They
lighten our burdens and help us keep things in perspective. A good hearty laugh reduces stress,
elevates mood, and brings our nervous system back into balance.

The ability to deal with challenges using humor and play is the fourth skill of emotional
intelligence. Playful communication broadens our emotional intelligence and helps us:

• Take hardships in stride. By allowing us to view our frustrations and

disappointments from new perspectives, laughter and play enable us to
survive annoyances, hard times, and setbacks.
• Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps us say things
that might be otherwise difficult to express without creating a flap.
• Simultaneously relax and energize ourselves. Playful communication
relieves fatigue and relaxes our bodies, which allows us to recharge and
accomplish more.
• Become more creative. When we loosen up, we free ourselves of rigid
ways of thinking and being, allowing us to get creative and see things in new
ways.

To learn more, see Playful Communication Skills: The Power of Laughter, Humor, and Play

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: Resolve conflict

positively
Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in relationships. Two people can’t possibly have the
same needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. However, that needn’t be a bad thing!
Resolving conflict in healthy, constructive ways can strengthen trust between people. When
conflict isn’t perceived as threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in
relationships.

The ability to manage conflicts in a positive, trust-building way is the fifth key skill of emotional
intelligence. Successfully resolving differences is supported by the previous four skills of
emotional intelligence. Once you know how to manage stress, stay emotionally present and
aware, communicate nonverbally, and use humor and play, you’ll be better equipped to handle
emotionally-charged situations and catch and defuse many issues before they escalate.

Tips for resolving conflict in a trust-building way:

• Stay focused in the present. When we are not holding on to old hurts and
resentments, we can recognize the reality of a current situation and view it
as a new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts.
• Choose your arguments. Arguments take time and energy, especially if
you want to resolve them in a positive way. Consider what is worth arguing
about and what is not.
• Forgive. If you continue to be hurt or mistreated, protect yourself. But
someone else’s hurtful behavior is in the past, remember that conflict
resolution involves giving up the urge to punish.
• End conflicts that can't be resolved. It takes two people to keep an
argument going. You can choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you still
disagree.

Emotional Intelligence: Soft Skills that Matter

“Emotional Intelligence” (EI) is a term being used more frequently in the work force today.
Employers are looking for job candidates who can demonstrate not only intellectual and
technical competencies, but EI competencies as well.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Developing your EI
Four domains of EI
How can you learn EI?
EI Competencies

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a different way of being smart. It is about knowing yourself and
your feelings so well you are able to manage them effectively at any moment in any given
situation.

Employers today consider personal qualities such as initiative, empathy, adaptability and
persuasiveness to be every bit as important as concrete industry and technical knowledge. The
degree to which you can demonstrate how you possess EI in addition to your other skills is the
degree to which you will have an edge over your competition.

Think of EI as old-fashioned social skills with a 21st century twist. EI skills include the skills
employers say they consider to be most important in survey after survey. The good news is that
EI competencies can be learned and/or enhanced.

[back to top]

Developing your EI involves:

• Becoming more aware of your present skill level in each competency

• Determining which skills you wish to develop or enhance
• Developing an intentional plan

[back to top]

In Daniel Goleman’s model of EI there are

four domains:

• Self-awareness – knowing one’s internal states, preferences, resources, and intuitions

• Self-management – managing one’s internal states, impulses, and resources
• Social awareness – reading people and groups accurately, having an awareness of other’s
feelings, needs, and concerns
• Relationship management – adeptness at inducing desirable responses in others
These four quadrants (see diagram below) break down into 20 different EI competencies.

Research has shown that IQ alone does not guarantee success in school or work. It takes both IQ
and EI. The two are inextricably tied together.

[back to top]

How Can You Learn EI?

Opportunities to learn and increase your EI are all around you, in everything you do. Your job is
to become more reflective of your activities – what skills you performed while doing them and
what emotions you felt in the process. To get you started, the staff at UCS can share with you
how each of their services and programs can contribute to increasing your EI. We can also help
you create a personal plan for learning or increasing the specific EI competencies of your choice.

[back to top]

Emotional Intelligence Competencies

Self
(Personal Competence)
Recognition Self-awareness
Emotional self-awareness
Accurate self-assessment
Self-confidence
Regulation Self Management
Emotional self-control
Trustworthiness
Conscientiousness
Adaptability
Achievement drive
Initiative
Other
(Social Competence)
Social Awareness
Empathy
Service orientation
Organizational awareness
Relationship Management
Developing others
Influence
Communication
Conflict management
Visionary leadership
Catalyzing change
Building bonds
 Teamwork & collaboration

SELF-AWARENESS

• Emotional self-awareness. Recognizing your own emotions and their effects, and
recognizing how you react to cues in the environment and how your emotions affect your
performance.
• Accurate self-assessment. Knowing your inner resources, abilities and limits, and being
aware of your strengths and limitations. Wanting to receive feedback and new
perspectives. Motivated by continuous learning and self-development. Results in
targeting areas for personal change.
• Self-confidence. Believing you can accomplish a task and acknowledging that you are
the best for the job. Conveying your ideas and opinions in an assured manner and having
a positive impact on others.

SELF MANAGEMENT

• Emotional Self-control. Keeping your impulsive feelings and emotions under control
and restraining negative actions when provoked, faced with opposition or hostility from
others, or working under pressure.
• Trustworthiness. Taking action that is consistent with what you say and value.
Communicating intentions, ideas, and feelings openly and directly, and welcoming
openness and honesty in others. Showing integrity and taking responsibility for your
behavior and performance, and building trust through reliability and authenticity.
• Conscientiousness. Taking responsibility for your personal performance. Being reliable
and delivering quality work. Performing work in a careful and organized manner, paying
attention to detail, following through on commitments and promises, and building trust
through reliability.
• Adaptability. Flexibility to work effectively within a variety of changing situations and
with various individuals and groups. Willing to change ideas or perceptions on the basis
of new information or evidence. Able to alter standard procedures when necessary, and
juggle multiple demands as required.
• Optimism. Seeing the world as a glass that is “half-full” rather than “half-empty.” Seeing
good in others and in the situation at hand. Seeing threats merely as opportunities that can
be acted upon, and taken advantage of, to achieve optimal outcomes.
• Achievement Orientation. Working toward a standard of excellence which may be a
personal need to improve over past accomplishments, to outperform others, or even to
surpass the greatest accomplishment ever achieved.
• Initiative. Identifying a problem, obstacle, or opportunity and taking action on it.
Showing initiative and consistently striving to do better, to experience new challenges
and opportunities. Being accountable for your actions and ideas.

SOCIAL AWARENESS
 • Empathy. Understanding other people. Hearing and accurately understanding unspoken
or partly expressed thoughts, feelings, and concerns of others. Constantly picking up
emotional cues. Appreciating what people are saying and why they are saying it. Having
cross-cultural sensitivity.
• Organizational Awareness. Understanding the “power” relationship in one’s own group
or organization. Identifying the real decision makers and who can influence them.
Recognizing the values and cultures of organizations and how they affect the way people
behave.
• Service Orientation. Helping or serving others in order to meet their needs. Focusing
efforts on others. Not just reacting to the requests of others, but being proactive in
knowing what others’ needs are before they are articulated.

RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

• Developing Others. Fostering the long-term learning or development of others and

spending time helping people find their own way to excellence through specific feedback
on current performance.
• Influence. Persuading, convincing, or impacting others in order to get them to go along
with or support your agenda. Knowing how to make others stand up and listen.
• Communication. Sending clear and convincing messages to an audience in an open and
effective way. Making presentations in an engaging style and being open to dialogue with
the audience.
• Change Catalyst. Alerting, energizing, and leading groups to bring about specific
changes in the way things are done. Recognizing the need for change and taking
ownership of change initiatives in order to move the group forward.
• Building Bonds. Working to build or maintain friendly, reciprocal, and warm
relationships or networks of contacts with people. Developing and maintaining good
relationships with a variety of people.
• Teamwork and Collaboration. Working cooperatively with others, being part of a team,
and working together as opposed to working separately or competitively. Enjoying shared
responsibility and rewards for accomplishments and actively participating and enjoying
building the capability of the team.
• Inspirational Leadership. Taking on the role as leader of a team or group. Bringing
people together to get the job done. Building a strong sense of belonging within the group
and leading others to feel they are part of something larger than themselves.
• Conflict Management. Handling difficult individuals, groups of people, or tense
situations with diplomacy. Focusing on the issues rather than the people and working to
de-escalate the bad feelings.

Playful Communication in Relationships

The Power of Laughter, Humor, and Play
Laughter has a powerful effect on your health and well-being. A good laugh relieves tension and
stress, elevates mood, enhances creativity and problem-solving ability, and provides a quick
energy boost. But even more importantly, laughter brings people together. Mutual laughter and
play are an essential component of strong, healthy relationships. By making a conscious effort to
incorporate more humor and play into your daily interactions, you can improve the quality of
your love relationships—as well as your connections with co-workers, family members, and
friends.

In This Article:

• The power of laughter and play

• The health benefits of laughter
• Make sure both partners are in on the joke
• Use humor to defuse conflict
• Don’t use humor to cover up other emotions
• Improving your playful communication skills
• Playful communication and emotional intelligence
• Related links

Print Authors

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The power of laughter and play

VIDEO
Joy & Play - A Leg Up for Resiliency

From Emotional Intelligence Central

A Helpguide project

Playful communication is one of the most effective tools for keeping relationships exciting,
fresh, and vital. Laughter and play enrich your interactions and give your relationships that extra
zing that keeps them interesting, light, and enjoyable. This shared pleasure creates a sense of
intimacy and connection—qualities that define solid, lasting relationships.

People are attracted to happy, funny individuals. Laughter draws others to you and keeps them
by your side. When you laugh with one another, a positive bond is created. This bond acts as a
strong buffer against stress, disagreements, and disappointment. And laughter really is
contagious—just hearing laughter primes your brain to smile and join in on the fun.

Playful communication helps you:

• Connect to others. Your health and happiness depend, to a large degree,

on the quality of your relationships—and laughter binds people together.
• Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps you broach
sensitive subjects, resolve disagreements, and reframe problems.
• Feel relaxed and energized at the same time. Laughter relieves fatigue
and relaxes your body, while also recharging your batteries and helping you
accomplish more.
• Overcome problems and setbacks. A sense of humor is the key to
resilience. It helps you take hardships in stride, weather disappointment, and
bounce back from adversity and loss.
• Put things into perspective. Most situations are not as bleak as they
appear to be when looked at from a playful and humorous point of view.
• Be more creative. Humor and playfulness loosen you up, energizing
thinking and inspiring creative problem solving.

The health benefits of laughter

Laughter and playfulness also come with numerous physical and mental health benefits.
Laughter triggers a host of healthy changes in your brain and body.

Laughter helps you stay healthy by:

 • Boosting your mood
• Decreasing stress hormones
• Improving oxygen flow to the brain
• Reducing physical pain

• Lowering blood pressure

• Strengthening the immune system
• Protecting the heart
• Relaxing your body

Mental health benefits of laughter and humor

The mental health benefits of laughter are tied to the physical benefits. When your body is
relaxed and energized, you are better able to think and communicate clearly. This helps you keep
your own emotions in check, relate in a positive way to others, and resolve conflict.

Laughter is a particularly powerful antidote to depression and anxiety. Having a sense of humor
offsets depression and anxiety by:

• Releasing endorphins. When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins,

powerful chemicals that boost mood and override sadness and negative
thoughts.
• Putting things into perspective. Most situations are not as bleak as they
appear to be when looked at from a playful and humorous point of view.
• Connecting us to others. Our mental health depends, to a large degree, on
the quality of our relationships—and laughter binds people together.

Better Health Through Humor, Laughter, and Play

Laughter is strong medicine for both the body and the mind. It helps you stay balanced,
energetic, joyful, and healthy. To learn more about how to harness its powerful effects, read
Laughter is the Best Medicine: The Health Benefits of Humor.

Playful communication in relationships tip #1: Make sure

both partners are in on the joke
Humor and playfulness strengthen relationships—but only when both people are in on the joke.
It’s important to be sensitive to the other person. If your partner, friend, or colleague isn’t likely
to appreciate the joke, don’t say or do it, even if it’s “all in good fun.” When playfulness is one-
sided rather than mutual, it undermines trust and goodwill and damages the relationship.
Consider the following example:
Michelle’s feet are always cold when she gets into bed, but she has what she thinks is a playful
solution. She heats up her icy feet by placing them on her husband Kevin’s warm body.
However, this isn’t a game he enjoys. Kevin has repeatedly told Michelle that he doesn’t
appreciate being used as a foot warmer, but she just laughs at his complaints. Lately, Kevin has
taken to sleeping at the far edge of the bed, a solution that distances them as a couple.

Playful communication in relationships should be equally fun and enjoyable for both people. If
your friend or partner doesn’t think your joking or teasing is funny—it’s not. So before you start
playing around, take a moment to consider your motives, as well as your partner or friend’s state
of mind and sense of humor.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you feel calm, clear-headed, and connected to the other person?

• Is your true intent to communicate positive feelings—or are you taking a dig,
expressing anger, or laughing at the other person’s expense?
• Are you sure that the joke will be understood and appreciated?
• Are you aware of the emotional tone of the nonverbal messages you are
sending? Are you giving off positive, warm signals or a negative, aggressive,
or hostile tone?
• Are you sensitive to the nonverbal signals the other person is sending? Do
they seem open and receptive to your humor, or closed-off and offended?
• Are you willing and able to back off if the other person responds negatively to
the joke?
• If you say or do something that offends, is it easy for you to immediately
apologize?

Playful communication in relationships tip #2: Use humor to

defuse conflict
When conflict and disagreement throw a wrench in your relationships, humor and playfulness
can help lighten things up and restore a sense of connection. Used skillfully and respectfully,
playful humor can turn conflict into an opportunity for shared fun and intimacy. It allows you to
get your point across without getting the other person’s defenses up or hurting their feelings. For
example:

Lori’s husband comes home sweaty and dirty from his job. This turns her off, and she can’t
imagine being intimate with him under these circumstances. But when she says he should take a
bath, he gets angry and accuses her of not appreciating what he does for a living. So instead, Lori
turns on the water, begins playfully peeling off his clothes, and joins him in the tub.

Alex is retired, but he still goes up on the roof to clean the gutters. His wife, Angie, has told him
numerous times that it scares her when he gets up there on the ladder. Today, instead of her usual
complaints, she yells up to him, “You know, it’s husbands like you who turn wives into nags.”
Alex laughs and comes down from the roof.
Humor and playfulness—free or hurtful sarcasm or ridicule—neutralize conflict by helping you:

• Interrupt the power struggle, instantly easing tension and allowing you to
reconnect and regain perspective.
• Be more spontaneous. Shared laughter and play helps you break free from
rigid ways of thinking and behaving, allowing you to see the problem in a new
way and find a creative solution.
• Be less defensive. In playful settings, we hear things differently and can
tolerate learning things about ourselves that we otherwise might find
unpleasant or even painful.
• Let go of inhibitions. Laughter opens us up, freeing us to express what we
truly feel and allowing our deep, genuine emotions to rise to the surface.

Playful communication in relationships tip #3: Don’t use

humor to cover up other emotions
Humor and shared playfulness help you stay resilient in the face of life’s challenges. But there
are times when humor is not healthy—when it is used as a cover for avoiding, rather than coping
with, painful emotions. Laughter can be a disguise for feelings of hurt, fear, anger, and
disappointment that you don’t want to feel or don’t know how to express.

You can be funny about the truth—but covering up the truth isn’t funny. When you use humor
and playfulness as a cover for other emotions, you create confusion and mistrust in your
relationships. The following are examples of misplaced humor:

Mike is a constant jokester. Nothing ever seems to get him down and he never takes anything
seriously. No matter what happens to him or to anyone else, he makes a joke out of the situation.
In reality, Mike is scared to death of dark feelings, conflict, and intimacy. He uses humor to
avoid uncomfortable feelings and to keep other people at arm’s length.

Sharon is often jealous and possessive with her boyfriend Kevin. But she has never learned to
openly discuss her insecurities and fears. Instead, she uses what she thinks is humor to express
her feelings. However, her “jokes” usually having a biting, almost hostile edge and do not seem
at all funny to Kevin, who responds with coldness and withdrawal.

For cues as to whether or not humor is being used to conceal other emotions, ask yourself the
following questions:

• Do nonverbal communication signals—such as tone of voice, intensity, timing

—feel genuinely humorous to you, or do you experience them as forced or
“not right” somehow?
• Is humor the only emotion you routinely express, or is there a mixture of
other emotions that at least occasionally includes sadness, fear, and anger?

Improving your playful communication skills

It’s never too late to develop and embrace your playful, humorous side. Self-consciousness and
concern for how you look and sound to others is probably a big factor that’s limiting your
playfulness. But as a baby, you were naturally playful; you didn’t worry about the reactions of
other people.

You can reclaim your inborn playfulness by setting aside regular, quality playtime. The more
you joke, play, and laugh—the easier it becomes.

Cultivating your sense of humor and playfulness

The process of learning to play depends on your preferences. Begin by observing what you
already do that borders on fun or playful. For example, do you like:

• telling or listening to jokes

• watching funny movies or TV shows
• dancing around to cheesy music when you’re alone

• singing in the shower

• daydreaming
• reading the funny pages

After you recognize things you already enjoy, you can try to incorporate more playful activities
into your life. The important thing is to find enjoyable activities that loosen you up and help you
embrace your playful nature with other people.

Another excellent way to learn playfulness is to practice with “experts”:

Play with animals. Puppies, kittens, and other animals—both young and old
—are eager playmates and always ready to frolic. Make play dates with
friends’ pets, stop to play with a friendly animal in your neighborhood, or
consider getting a pet of your own.
Play with babies and young children. The real authorities in human play are
children, especially young children. Playing with children who know and trust
you is a wonderful way to learn from the experts.

Interact playfully with customer service people. Most people in the service
industry are social and you’ll find that many will welcome playful banter. Try
your wit out on a friendly cashier, receptionist, waiter, hostess, or salesperson.

As humor and play become an integrated part of your life, you should find new opportunities for
play daily.
Playful communication is one of the five key skills of
emotional intelligence
The Five Skills of Emotional Intelligence

Skill 1: Quick Stress Relief

Skill 2: Emotional Awareness

Skill 3: Nonverbal Communication

Skill 4: Playful Communication

Skill 5: Conflict Resolution

The ability to use humor and playfulness to deal with challenges is the fourth of five essential
emotional intelligence skills. Together, the five skills of emotional intelligence help you build
strong relationships, overcome challenges, and succeed at work and in life.

The fifth key skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to resolve conflicts positively and with
confidence. When conflict is mismanaged, it can harm relationships. But when handled in a
respectful and positive way, conflict can increase intimacy and trust. By learning the skills you
need for successful conflict resolution, you can keep your personal and professional relationships
strong and growing.