Hey everyone, I’m Sophilia Lark-Woodbury and this is episode 38 of the S.O.S. podcast on
Monday August 6th 2018. Last week, I began the discussion of how married couples who have a
child or children on the autism spectrum can nurture their marriage. I primarily reviewed
concepts and ideas from Drs. Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg’s book entitled, “Fighting for
your marriage,” where they outline their PREP® educational process, which aims to help
couples enhance relationship closeness and prevent divorce. This week, we’re going to dive into
3 practical steps developed based on the B.O.N.D. concept that you can start using immediately
to improve your marriage. We’ll get the show rolling in the segment coming up next.
As a practitioner who has generated countless of care plans for many people over the
years, I know the importance of listening to the person or family’s needs and working
I am also one of those people who like hands-on experiences, because it is the way I
learn best. I have found that my clients also prefer this approach as opposed to mulling
over concepts and theories, trying to figure out how to implement a practice based on
My job is to take the guess work out of what one needs to practice by simply providing
Specifically, I want to show you exactly how to B.O.N.D. with your intimate partner;
that is, how to be safe at home, open the doors to intimacy, nurture security in your
therapists, Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (2001) whose research over a span of 30
years has shown these techniques and strategies to be quite effective when
implemented correctly.
So, let’s begin practicing ways to B.O.N.D. using the PREP® relationship process.
Increase communication
First, you must start with recognizing the destructive patterns that currently play out in
Markman and colleagues (2001) noted that these four patterns of destructive conflict
avoidance.
Escalation is when one partner makes a negative comment, and the other partner
responds with a negative comment, which fans the flames of the negative interaction,
feelings, worth, and behaviors. The message the partner receives is that what he or she
Negative interpretations are unfair views of your partner based on your interpretation
of his/her behavior.
would rather not talk about, the withdrawing partner might shut down, leave the room,
It’s important for both you and your spouse/partner to recognize destructive relational
emerge when communication is unclear. When one person says one thing and the other
Types of communication filters: distractions (you don’t have your partner’s full
attention), emotional states (mood can dictate whether or not we see things negatively
or positively), beliefs and expectations (people tend to see what they expect to see),
upbringing, influences, gender expectations, etc.), and self-protection (we fear being
The following techniques will help you to not only deal with the destructive patterns of
1. Conduct a problem inventory – this is where you notate all the problem areas in
your life (e.g., money, friends, in-laws, children, religion, sex, chores, etc.).
Rules Overview
o Speaker has the floor and holds the symbolizing object to show it (e.g.,
destructive language.
Speaker Rules
o Speak for yourself (your thoughts, feelings, concerns). Don’t try to mind-
read. Use “I” statements (I was heartbroken when you spoke to me in that
tone).
o Don’t ramble. Say what you need to say, so that you don’t overwhelm the
o Stop and allow the listening partner to paraphrase what you said. You may
Listener Rules
o Do your best to use your own words to repeat what you believe you heard
the speaking partner say. If you didn’t understand something he/she said,
this is your time to ask for clarification. You can simply say, “would you
o Don’t try to give an opinion or insert your own thoughts while the speaker is
which is imagining the ebb and flow of the wave, then inserting your feelings
on the wave and watching them ebb and flow. That is, you will notice a build
up as the wave pulls back the waters, and then you will notice a release of
tension as the wave gently flows back toward the shore. Try not to do
disagreement.
Manage differences
integrity, and acceptance) by recognizing the signs of hidden issues (i.e., wheel
technique. The goal here is to focus on just hearing one another’s thoughts, not
problem-solving.
and follow-up).
5. When there is no solution set the agenda to protect the rest of your marriage
from the unsolvable area. Accept and tolerate what you cannot change.
pressing issue that cannot be discussed right now (both partners should
o Make time for fun and recreation and protect that enjoyment from
conflict
Okay. Well, let’s go ahead and wrap things up for this show. Next week, I’m going to be sharing
more tools that help you to implement self-care and self-love morning, noon, and night. Hope
you’ll be back to collect your tools for making your life more manageable each day.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2001). Fighting for your marriage. San