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Episode 38 Show Notes

Hey everyone, I’m Sophilia Lark-Woodbury and this is episode 38 of the S.O.S. podcast on

Monday August 6th 2018. Last week, I began the discussion of how married couples who have a

child or children on the autism spectrum can nurture their marriage. I primarily reviewed

concepts and ideas from Drs. Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg’s book entitled, “Fighting for

your marriage,” where they outline their PREP® educational process, which aims to help

couples enhance relationship closeness and prevent divorce. This week, we’re going to dive into

3 practical steps developed based on the B.O.N.D. concept that you can start using immediately

to improve your marriage. We’ll get the show rolling in the segment coming up next.

 As a practitioner who has generated countless of care plans for many people over the

years, I know the importance of listening to the person or family’s needs and working

with them to develop a plan to help them change their lives.

 I am also one of those people who like hands-on experiences, because it is the way I

learn best. I have found that my clients also prefer this approach as opposed to mulling

over concepts and theories, trying to figure out how to implement a practice based on

their own interpretation of the instructions.

 My job is to take the guess work out of what one needs to practice by simply providing

the steps in a clear and easy to implement manner.

 Specifically, I want to show you exactly how to B.O.N.D. with your intimate partner;

that is, how to be safe at home, open the doors to intimacy, nurture security in your

future as a couple, and do your part as a responsible partner.


 As a mentioned last week, this process was developed by Marriage and Family

therapists, Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (2001) whose research over a span of 30

years has shown these techniques and strategies to be quite effective when

implemented correctly.

 So, let’s begin practicing ways to B.O.N.D. using the PREP® relationship process.

Increase communication

 First, you must start with recognizing the destructive patterns that currently play out in

your relationship – the red flags.

 Markman and colleagues (2001) noted that these four patterns of destructive conflict

included: escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations, and withdrawal and

avoidance.

 Escalation is when one partner makes a negative comment, and the other partner

responds with a negative comment, which fans the flames of the negative interaction,

making it bigger and more heated.

 Invalidation is the act of ignoring, disregarding, or belittling a partner’s thoughts,

feelings, worth, and behaviors. The message the partner receives is that what he or she

is saying or doing doesn’t matter or is not important.

 Negative interpretations are unfair views of your partner based on your interpretation

of his/her behavior.

 Withdrawal and avoidance are distinct manifestations of a destructive relationship

pattern reminiscent of hide and seek. Anytime a conversation becomes uncomfortable


or if one partner senses that the other partner is leading up to a conversation he or she

would rather not talk about, the withdrawing partner might shut down, leave the room,

or quickly acquiesce to a suggestion just to get the conversation over with.

 It’s important for both you and your spouse/partner to recognize destructive relational

patterns and how it affects your relationship.

 Let’s talk a bit about communication filters: These cognitive distortions/interpretations

emerge when communication is unclear. When one person says one thing and the other

person hears something totally different.

 Types of communication filters: distractions (you don’t have your partner’s full

attention), emotional states (mood can dictate whether or not we see things negatively

or positively), beliefs and expectations (people tend to see what they expect to see),

differences in style (the way a person communicates is often determined by culture,

upbringing, influences, gender expectations, etc.), and self-protection (we fear being

rejected so we don’t say what’s truly on our minds and hearts).

 The following techniques will help you to not only deal with the destructive patterns of

conflict, but also recognize and “call out” filters.

1. Conduct a problem inventory – this is where you notate all the problem areas in

your life (e.g., money, friends, in-laws, children, religion, sex, chores, etc.).

2. Speaker-Listener technique (Problem discussion, follow rules for speaker,

listener, and both).

Rules Overview
o Speaker has the floor and holds the symbolizing object to show it (e.g.,

talking stick, etc.).

o Share the floor (once speaker is done, he/she switches roles).

o No problem solving, just focus on having a good conversation without

destructive language.

Speaker Rules

o Speak for yourself (your thoughts, feelings, concerns). Don’t try to mind-

read. Use “I” statements (I was heartbroken when you spoke to me in that

tone).

o Don’t ramble. Say what you need to say, so that you don’t overwhelm the

listening partner with information.

o Stop and allow the listening partner to paraphrase what you said. You may

do this several times throughout the discussion.

Listener Rules

o Do your best to use your own words to repeat what you believe you heard

the speaking partner say. If you didn’t understand something he/she said,

this is your time to ask for clarification. You can simply say, “would you

explain what you mean by…”

o Don’t try to give an opinion or insert your own thoughts while the speaker is

talking. This may be especially difficult if the speaking partner is saying

something that upsets you.


o If you see that you are becoming upset, you can use the wave technique,

which is imagining the ebb and flow of the wave, then inserting your feelings

on the wave and watching them ebb and flow. That is, you will notice a build

up as the wave pulls back the waters, and then you will notice a release of

tension as the wave gently flows back toward the shore. Try not to do

anything non-verbal such as making faces or gestures to show your

disagreement.

Manage differences

3. Uncovering hidden issues (power/control, caring, recognition, commitment,

integrity, and acceptance) by recognizing the signs of hidden issues (i.e., wheel

spinning, trivial triggers, avoidance, scorekeeping). Recognize when one is

happening and start taking about it constructively using the speaker-listener

technique. The goal here is to focus on just hearing one another’s thoughts, not

problem-solving.

4. Problem solution (agenda setting, brainstorming, agreement and compromise,

and follow-up).

5. When there is no solution set the agenda to protect the rest of your marriage

from the unsolvable area. Accept and tolerate what you cannot change.

Working as a team to protect good aspects of relationship

6. Follow relationship ground rules 1-6

o When conflict is escalating (Timeout/pause)


o When having trouble communicating (Speaker-listener technique)

o First discuss problem at top of session using speaker-listener technique,

then discuss solutions mid-session to end (Talk first/solve second)

o Take responsibility to schedule a time to talk in the near future about a

pressing issue that cannot be discussed right now (both partners should

agree when is the right time to discuss a problematic issue)

o Have weekly couple meetings (place high priority on your marriage)

o Make time for fun and recreation and protect that enjoyment from

conflict

Okay. Well, let’s go ahead and wrap things up for this show. Next week, I’m going to be sharing

more tools that help you to implement self-care and self-love morning, noon, and night. Hope

you’ll be back to collect your tools for making your life more manageable each day.

I’ll see you next week. Have a good one.

Reference for information found in this presentation:

Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2001). Fighting for your marriage. San

Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

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