Human Dynamic Asia Pacific Ltd.

Issue No. 47, April 2008

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Am I ready for Marriage?

Most young men and women will be unlikely to have a

confident answer to this vital question. High school
may have prepared us for the intricacies of daily life,
our parents may have prepared us to be independent
adults, but perhaps no one can be fully prepared for
the issues and complexities that come with marriage.
Human Dynamic
Global Partner for People Effectiveness
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 Am I ready for Marriage?
by Anshul Verma (HDAP BD Manager - India)

Most young men and women will be unlikely to have a confident answer to this vital question. High school may have prepared
us for the intricacies of daily life, our parents may have prepared us to be independent adults, but perhaps no one can be fully
prepared for the issues and complexities that come with marriage.

Although our journey to find ‘The One” may be an emotional rollercoaster, fraught with highs and (sometimes plenty of)
downward spirals, miraculous things can happen once a person matures and takes stock of personal goals and needs in a
potential marriage.

Before you commit to marriage though, take some time to examine your current status in life. By asking yourself the tough
questions now, you'll discover that the rituals and challenges of engagements, ceremonies and in-laws won't be nearly as
daunting. Marriage is a serious commitment for both parties, so consider the following before making this important leap.

1. Am I prepared financially for marriage? 4. Can I truly forsake all others?

Being financially-prepared for marriage may not relate at all
to reaching your own personal financial goals. Practically,
what you need to take into account is whether you are
earning enough to manage your mortgage, supplement
your spouse’s needs, pay your credit card bills etc without
racking up huge debts. Other areas for consideration
include future plans for children, possible relocation, etc. In
truth, raw income is no guarantee of successful financial
management in any aspect of life; don’t let money issues
dissuade you from a loving marriage. You and your partner
can, and should, plan together to establish a financially-
stable and healthy marriage.
One fear many individuals have about marriage is the all-
too-real prospect of infidelity. In the casual dating world, one
could occasionally check out anyone off the street – the
babe with the legs or the hunk with the biceps. We're
surrounded by attractive people every day, but there is a
real difference between idle fantasizing and an actual extra-
marital encounter. Partners must learn to co-exist with
attractive ‘possibilities’ while remaining true to their
marriage vows. In today’s society and across cultures, most
people place great significance on fidelity and trust. Are you
ready for this commitment and remain true to your partner in
the face of marital challenges and distractions?

2. Am I ready to give up singlehood? 5. Have we discussed the important issues of our

Most people look back yearningly to their young adulthood
and almost invariably consider these years the best time of
their lives. They could do anything they wanted, when they
wanted, and with whomever they wanted to. The idea of
giving up this independence is unsurprisingly intimidating.
Men or women who have lived on their own for many years
do develop deeply-ingrained habits which are difficult to
change. The day after the wedding probably marks the end
of an era of pure independence; for some, you may have to
report your plans, be expected to maintain a certain level
of cleanliness and responsibility; your money for some
reason becomes 'our money', and go towards hitherto
unthought-of necessities such as groceries, clothes and
household supplies. Nevertheless, a healthy level of
accountability and stability may not be such a bad thing at
all.
3. Am I entering into this commitment for the right
reasons?
Sometimes, a romantic relationship that does not end well
may lead to a rebound relationship. The danger is when
such relationships become too serious too fast. Although
the new relationship may feel real enough, the ‘wounded
partner’ may unknowingly be trying to prove something to
his ex-girl/boyfriend by marrying the next person he/she
meets, when in fact the subconscious goal was to seek
temporary comfort and solace. This is absolutely the worst
time to consider marriage.
What a Babe! / He is too hot! – Search for beauty that’s
skin deep! Most people today are well-groomed; some
simply look good. There is probably nothing wrong in
desiring an attractive spouse but bear in mind that these
feelings that may not be long-lasting; physical
attractiveness should not be the sole reason to base your
choice of spouse on.
married life?
There are some elements of marriage that should be settled
long before the actual wedding day. Are you comfortable
with each other’s views on religion, money, and children, for
example? Have you discussed potential conflicts arising
from such issues, and how you might manage them as a
couple? Can you live happily with someone who has very
different opinions or beliefs from you?
Other important issues to consider include plans for moving
into a new home together or sharing your present housing?
Will you live with your parents, or your in-laws? Will your
work schedules need to be adjusted to accommodate this
new life together? What if your partner gets a lucrative job
offer in another city? Are you flexible enough to quit your
own job for the needs of your spouse? It's important to
know how your spouse feels about relocation. Would you
need to take care of each other’s elderly parents? Etc.
6. What personal goals will I have after marriage?
Although marriage means living a life together with another
person, we continue to grow as individuals as well. Are you
comfortable with where you are now, or do you anticipate
pursuing higher education? Do you have side interests
which may involve many hours of your spare time? It's
important that spouses understand certain passions you
may have, even if they don't necessarily share them.
Spending time in pursuit of a hobby may seem perfectly fine
to you, but it also means time not spent with your spouse.
This can lead to frustration and anger if you don't ration out
your spare moments fairly. Pursuing higher education is a
worthy goal, but can your spouse accept the loss of your
attention or a temporary dip in the household income? The
idea is to think for two people whenever possible, and
consider how your actions and decisions will affect another
person.

Human Dynamic
Global Partner for People Effectiveness
Still unsure? Consider talking to your work life coach to see
if you are ready for marriage. Gain insights and advice on
how to have a healthy relationship within a marriage, and
grow together as a couple.
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 From the Desk of
your Work-Life Coach
Dear Coach…
I am 27 years old this year and am working for a major bank. At work, I met a 24-year-old girl who works for a PR
agency. We have been going out quite frequently for the past year. While we like each other and are looking at the
possibility of marriage, we are still extremely uncertain as to whether†we are ready or not for the next stage. Is
there any way of knowing if we are in fact ready for marriage?

Reply from the Coach:

Marriage is one of the biggest steps one takes in life; it’s no wonder that many people ponder the question “Am I
ready?”

Consider the following:

1. Are you financially ready for marriage? If you or your new wife decides to quit, would you be financially stable
enough to support each other?
2. Should the need arise, would you be prepared to adjust your lifestyle e.g. spending time with your partner and
family instead of going for social gatherings after work?
3. Is it a personal decision that you are making un-coerced? Can you take full responsibility for making this
decision?
4. What are your personal goals and plans in life? How about your partner?
5. Do you share the same viewpoint on what’s most important to you?
6. Have you discussed your expectations and anxieties with your partner with full transparency and honesty?
7. Do you feel comfortable speaking to your partner about anything?
8. Do you have any doubts or reservations?

You may also, as a couple, attend pre-marriage sessions to learn what marriage entails. During these sessions,
couples are guided to reflect on thought-provoking questions that may not have been addressed during courtship.
You may also learn about conflict resolution styles etc. to help you gain insight into your future together. While pre-
marital sessions don’t rule out arguments later down the road, it certainly can help build a better foundation for
you to deal with challenges along the way.

The vital question “Am I ready?” is not an easy one to answer, but perhaps a more tangible question to ask is “Am
I willing to do what it takes to build a happy marriage?”

“A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy
their differences." - Dave Meurer

Do contact your work life coach if you’d like to speak to someone on issues related to marriage and relationships.

Please call our hotline or e-mail wlc@hdap.com if you face similar issues and need our assistance.

Human Dynamic

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Global Partner for People Effectiveness
The Manager’s Helpdesk
The Art of Negotiation
by Lina Lam – HDAP Managing Director – Northeast Asia
We negotiate all the time. Don’t just think of sales negotiations
with customers or sellers. We negotiate with bosses or
subordinates about salary adjustments, we negotiate with
family about vacation plans, we even negotiate with children
about bed time, studies, and curfews. However, we seldom
reflect on the skills of negotiation which are so neglected yet
vital in our day-to-day work and life.
According to Wikipedia, negotiation is an interaction of
influences. Such interactions, for example, include the process
of resolving disputes, agreeing upon courses of action,
bargaining for individual or collective advantage, or crafting
outcomes to satisfy various interests. Win-Win negotiations
are always favorable outcomes in which both parties are
successful and satisfied in getting what they want.
Good negotiating skills enable us to speak up for ourselves
without damaging our relationships with others; they increase
personal effectiveness and decrease the chance that others
will take advantage of us. As managers, negotiation skills are
of vital importance. How would you negotiate with your staff or
your team in order to ensure that objectives are met? How
would you more effectively resolve disputes with and amongst
your team members?
While some people have the innate ability to negotiate well,
the majority of us face some difficulty in putting our points
politely yet effectively across. There may be several reasons
for this. A common but oft neglected explanation is one’s lack
of courage or assertiveness in taking on a negotiation. One’s
confidence level can have a major impact on the ability to
express or communicate effectively during the negotiation
process. The fear of negative outcomes and risky situations,
or the experience of past negative results, may adversely
influence future negotiations.
The art of negotiation, therefore, takes into account
developing practical skills as well as one’s confidence to
support psychological processes in a negotiation process.
Below are several points to take note of while developing
personal negotiation skills.
1. Assertiveness
Assertiveness is an important trait for a negotiator – it helps us
take care of our own interests while maintaining a healthy
respect for others’ interests.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for what we want and be reasonably
persistent if we believe we deserve it.
• Practice “I” statements. Let others know how you feel in a
non-threatening way, by saying, for instance “I don’t feel
comfortable when you do that…”
• Learn how to say “No”. Understand personal boundaries
and be firm about maintaining them.
2. Risk-taking
In the process of negotiation, it is inevitable that we have to
take risks – it involves asking more than we think we can get,
or giving others more than we have planned in return. Think of
“how much risk am I comfortable taking?” If the outcome is
not as I hoped, do I have any other options?” Get to know the
extent of the risk which you can accept, and determine the
point in which you need to “walk away”. Prepare yourself for
the necessary risks before entering a negotiation by planning
ahead and basing your arguments on reliable information.
Human Dynamic
Global Partner for People Effectiveness
3. Planning
Be well prepared for a negotiation. Successful negotiators are
rarely spontaneous. Think of what you want and determine what
really matters to you and what doesn’t. In addition, be flexible
by providing considerations for other options/alternatives. Apart
from planning your strategy based on available information, you
should also try to foresee possible reactions and anticipate
getting blind-sided during the negotiation process.
4. Listening and Asking
Listening is one of the vital elements in the negotiation process.
Very often, we think that we have to talk as much as or even
more than our counterpart in order to be convincing. Good
negotiation may not necessarily involve talking more; in fact, it is
better to let others do most of the talking while we listen.
Listening includes actively hearing what others are saying and
appreciating their point of view, and clarifying (potential)
misunderstandings. Watching out for non-verbal signals (such
as body language) might clue us in on their concerns. Effective
listening and asking relevant open-ended questions is an
effective way to open a topic for discussion and air options, as
it makes the counterpart believe that you have a common
ground on which to base your negotiations. Reinforcing positive
affirmations and being appreciative of others will increase the
goodwill on both parties.
5. Taking away emotional burden
In the process of negotiation, we may have to express alternate
views or even end up in direct confrontation. We may thus incur
an emotional burden which could hinder progress or even cause
the negotiations to grind to a complete halt.
6. Making an enemy of your counterpart
Rather than regard your counterpart as an enemy, treat him or
her as a worthy opponent that you need to overcome with sheer
force of persuasion. Realize that seeing your counterpart as an
enemy will only engender enmity, and defeat the purpose of the
negotiation.
7. Fairness
There is nothing inherently bad with the process of negotiation –
it is in fact the healthiest way to interact peacefully in the aim of
achieving mutual benefits. Fair is a relative concept. We all have
our own values, and beliefs; what we may think is fair in a
specific discussion may be totally unfair in another. Thus, if both
parties agree to a negotiated agreement, then that’s FAIR by
definition.
8. The fear of burning bridges
Effective and proper negotiation is based very much on mutual
respect. As relationships are also based on mutual respect, you
should not feel that your relationship with your counterpart will
be compromised unless the basis was not a very secure one to
begin with. While it may prove impossible to simply ‘delete’
these feelings, what we should do is to be aware and
acknowledge these emotions. Only then can we effectively deal
with the complications of being a sparring party in a negotiated
settlement.
Negotiation is a delicate balancing act between managing one’s
own psychological state and emotion needs and the
counterpart’s concerns. Cultivating a good combination of
qualities and skills will certainly improve one’s ability to
effectively negotiate and increase the chances of a successful
outcome.
Copyright©2008 Human Dynamic Asia Pacific Limited.
All Rights Reserved.
This copy is intended for your reference and should not be circulated without the prior
knowledge of HDAP. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form, by
photocopying or by any electronic or mechanical means including storage or retrieval
systems, without permission from HDAP.
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