Term of the day: Conflict de escalation

I have not written the entirety of this article. It is composed of many different articles and adapted for
our specific needs.

Conflict de escalation is considered an ART. There are many things that this area consists of. Listed
here are just some of the things you might use to de escalate the situation. Can you use all of them? I
doubt it. Are they all for every situation? NO. Each and every situation is different. Not everything can
be solved by talking and not every situation requires violence. The saying goes: "If all you have is a
hammer, everything starts looking like a nail". Don't be like that. Think, adapt and overcome.

Conflict is inevitable, and can occur in many forms. In essence, conflict occurs any time there is a trial
of strength between two opposing parties and principles. Conflict usually occurs anytime two people
do not agree. This disagreement can lead to frustration which can then develop rapidly into anger and
finally, if not treated, can degenerate to aggression and violence and other forms of irrational behavior.

It is important to remember first and foremost that, you are in charge of how you react.

Your attitude must remain positive at all times while ensuring that you are giving the conflict your full
attention. Every time you communicate, either verbally or non-verbally through body language, your
attitude is apparent and it is important to present a professional, unbiased and positive attitude at all
times. Remember, the aim here is to redirect the other persons behavior and generate voluntary
compliance using verbal techniques.

Aggression arising from frustration is one of the prime triggers of conflict, this can occur anytime
someone wants something they cannot have (entry into the premises, one more drink and so on, or
something not going their way). Breakdowns in communication, a lack of adequate communication
skills and even drugs or alcohol can all be contributing factors to the development of conflict.

Regardless of the contributing factors, the intended goal should remain constant, mitigate the
associated risks and de-escalate the conflict whilst staying outcome focused.

There are a multitude of factors involved in identifying, de-escalating and managing conflict situations.
The tactics one must employ when resolving a conflict sometimes need to be processed and
implemented within an extremely short period of time. I believe one of the best and simplest overviews
of the process is Col John Boyd’s “The OODA Loop” which was developed during the Korean War
(there is a post about it in the group, search for it).

In a very brief summary, the OODA loop stands for “Observe, Orientation, Decision and Action”. We
need to firstly Observe all aspects of the conflict situation (situation awareness) and take into account
the totality of the situation. Secondly, Orientate the information that has been gathered about the
conflict .Thirdly, Decide on the best course of action (based on matching the first two steps) and lastly
put the Action into motion. No matter what that action may be (disengage and call for help, run or
make an initial approach and use force) there will be a resultant reaction or change in circumstances
and then the loop begins again.

It is my personal belief that effective verbal de-escalation techniques are a true art form. To be able to
verbally de-escalate conflicts takes patience, tact and, to be blunt, the ability to control one’s own pride
and ego - “you are in charge of how you react”.

few basic steps that can be followed:

STEP 1: Calm yourself before interacting with the person. If you’re upset, it’s only going to escalate
the situation. Calm down and then begin to look at the situation and how you can respond properly.
Take a deep breath. Use a low, dull tone of voice and don’t get defensive or angry even if the insults
are directed at you.

STEP 2: Become aware of your situation is also critically important.

This can include:
Other people in the room,
Objects; such as chairs, tables, items on a table. Space around you, like exits or openings, and if you
are blocking the person so that they are made to feel trapped or if that person is blocking your exits.

STEP 3: Try to look as non-threatening as possible. Appear calm and self-assured even if you don’t
feel it. Maintain limited eye contact and be at the same eye level Maintain a neutral facial expression.
Place your hands in front of your body in an open and relaxed position. Don’t shrug your shoulders.
Don’t point your fingers at the person. Avoid excessive gesturing, pacing, fidgeting, or weight shifting.
Maintain your personal space distance, which is about arms length.

STEP 3:Make a personal connection. Something as simple as asking, “What’s your name?” can
diffuse a situation quickly. Offer them a drink.
People respond positively to their own name and can make the dialogue more personal.

If possible obtain the name of the person with who you are speaking. People respond favorably to
their own name. It also makes the conversation more personal. Ask for the person's name early in the
situation and use it throughout conversation.

STEP 4: Use Active Listening: Clarifying, paraphrasing and open-ended questions all help to ensure
that the person is aware you have understood their frustrations completely. This helps to lower
frustration levels as they feel they have “got it off their chest”. On a subconscious level, repeating a
person’s own words back to them clearly shows your comprehension of their points on the most basic
of levels. Listening to the persons concerns.

STEP 5: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings without passing judgment on them.
Slow down and suspend judgment: Empathy needs to be shown during conflict situations. Even if you
do not agree with the person’s position, expressing an understanding why that person feels a
particular way will help resolve the conflict. Once again, ensure you are giving the conflict your full
attention. Show empathy: The old saying, “Hot heads and cold hearts never solved anything” is
particularly true of conflict resolution.

STEP 6: Get them to say yes: It is very hard for someone to stay angry towards you if they are
agreeing with you. Example: Ask them if they would like a beer and that you are buying

STEP 7: Don’t use clichés: The worst of these being “Calm Down”. If you have ever said those words
during a verbal conflict, you will realize the normal response is “I AM CALM” at the top of their voice
and most likely coupled with animated hand gestures as well.

STEP 8: Consistency in Courtesy: This is a personal favorite of mine. The person you are dealing with
at 10 o’clock at night deserves the same level of respect, courtesy and patience as the person you are
dealing with at 2pm.Wether you talk to a lawyer or a truck driver always be polite and courteous.

No person, group, or set of conditions can guarantee that a conflict will proceed constructively.
If de-escalation is not working, stop!

Remember to be patient, calm and aware of the situation. Most importantly, have a plan to protect
yourself if the worst case scenario unfolds; how do you escape, defend your life, or protect others.

If the situation feels unsafe and you can leave, leave and call for help. If you can't leave prepare
yourself for violence and remember speed and violence of action is what will finish the conflict if all
else fails.

Key to mitigating violence is recognizing verbal and non-verbal signs of violence, in addition to paying
attention to your “gut instinct.”

There are five ways a person’s intuition will speak to them: heart rate, perspiration, nausea, feeling
indecisive and hair rising on the back of your neck.

Some of the VERBAL warning signs of violence are:

1. Threats – Direct
2. Threats – Veiled
3. Threats – Conditional
4. Boasts of prior violence
5. Confused thinking
6. Bragging about losing control
7. An increase in pitch when speaking – indicates throat is tightening
8. Repetitive word use, parroting and or echoing
9. Forced or strained speech
10. A nervous laugh or laughing at inappropriate times (Laughing is a way for a
body to shed emotions.)
11. When a person speaks to others about someone as if they are not present
12. Yelling or screaming
13. Non-stop profanity
14. Slurred speech
15. Talk of hurting animals

The NON-VERBAL signs of impending violence include:

1. Personal space violation

2. Standing toe to toe
3. Finger pointing
4. Making fists
5. Staring through you
6. Face flushing
7. Heavy breathing
8. Flaring nostrils
9. Person refuses any eye contact
10. Someone blocks egress

Verbal and non-verbal DO'S and DONT'S that you can use to de-escalate a situation.

The VERBAL DO'S include:

1. Use the person’s name.

2. Ask “May I help you?”
3. Speak slowly.
4. Use restatement for clarification.
5. Allow time for reflection.
6. Give options.
7. Ask for their solution.
8. Use simple words.
9. Maintain 65-percent eye contact.

The VERBAL DONT'S include:

1. Don’t allow long waits.

2. Don’t fake attention.
3. Don’t roll your eyes.
4. Don’t make false promises.
5. Don’t use jargon.
6. Don’t agree with someone – take their side.
7. Don’t cut people off.
8. Don’t raise your voice.
9 . Don’t lose temper.
10. Don’t ever meet an angry person one on one.
11. Don’t allow more than one person to talk.
12. Don’t argue.
13. Don’t say “calm down.”

CONCLUSION:
No two situations are the same. Always try to de escalate the situation but always remember YOUR
safety and YOUR FAMILY safety come first. If you see de escalation is not working, try to escape.
Control your ego and pride. If you cannot escape, get ready to FIGHT. After you are 100% sure that is
the only way stand firm by your decision and do whatever you must do to get yourself and your family
home safely. If all else failed remember key words: preemptive strike, surprise, speed and violence of
action. For a successful self defense you need to be more aggressive than your aggressor.