You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away?

The picks
are kind of like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because
your commish is making you.

The picks started off rather waekly going 3-4, good enough to finish second to a phenomenal
week 1 performance of Matty-Y who went 5-2, bravo Matt!

The post-draft Pickup of the Week goes to none other than yours truly for grabbing the ageless
wonder known as Adrian Peterson, who stacked up a solid 23.6 fantasy points for me in week 1!
Week 1’s Benching of the Week goes to Mike Jones, who left a breakout 36.12 DeSean Jackson
on the bench in a loss, ouch!

With 7 undefeated teams remaining, how many will fall? (Hint, I can predict at least two with
100% certainty!) Read on to find out!

Threat Level Midnight vs. BearsBeatsBattle*G:

I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon- sue me-and since I don’t
have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before bed I will lay six strips of bacon out
on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to
sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It’s good for me. It’s
the perfect way to start the day. Last Sunday I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped
down on my foot. That’s it. That’s what losing in week 1 despite the second highest score in the
league feels like. So this week, god owes me, he owes me a week 2 victory. Threat Level
Midnight with the W!
Little Kid Lover vs. VonHugen Balls:
Yes it is true. I Michael Scott am signing up for an online dating service. Thousands of people
have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and….I have a great one. “Lilkidlover”.
That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at. What’s that, someone has taken
my handle already?! In that case, this man must be a genius, and geniuses always win. Little
Kid Lover with the W!

Kevins Famous Chili vs. Scrantonicity:

Another week has come and gone and Kevin’s fantasy team name is still lacking its single most
important component, and apostrophe! The fantasy gods of Thursday Night Football decided to
smacketh down Kevin on my behalf, showering Jenna’s AJ Green with 3 touchdowns whilst the
Baltimore defense faceplanted with a zero. After this display of power, one might ask whether I
would rather be feared or loved? Umm…easy, both. I want people (such as Kevin) to be afraid
of how much they love me! Scrantonicity with the W!

The Funky Cat vs. Cousin Mose:

Despite the loss of Doug Baldwin, Chris’s Funky Cat squad rolled to a week 1 victory. This week
he’s decided to get “frisky” and start Mahomes over Kirk Cousins. Lucky for him, his Baldwin
loss is eased slightly by the fact that Tevin Coleman will be taking over lead back duties for a few
weeks while Devonta Freeman gets back to healthy. On the flip side we have Ryan, who
responded to his week 1 loss with a change of scenery. That’s right, after just 1 week Ryan
abandoned his Vance Refrigeration title and assumed a much more awesome team name of
Cousin Mose. Although I’d love to reward this brilliant move with a predicted win, I just can’t
get behind his loathsome running back corp. As such, I’m taking The Funky Cat with another
victory!

(The resemblance is uncanny!)

Schrute Farms B&B vs. AthleadorStumpany?
Despite losing Joe Mixon for a few weeks on TNF, Kyle had quite the start and is looking ready to
roll to a week two victory against a CJ led team that is seriously lacking in the fantasy talent
department. Kyle has been my number two guy for about 9 years, and we make a great team.
We’re like one of those classic famous teams. I am like Mozart and he is like…Mozart’s friend.
No. I am like Mozart and he is like…Butch Cassidy. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a
bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy! AthleadorStumpany? with the W!

Scott’s Tots vs. Remember the 5 D’s:

Another week has come and gone and Mike Jones still refuses to get on board with an Office-
themed fantasy team name. As Such, I’m not really sure why I picked him to win this week
when I entered my teams into the League Pick’Em before Thursday Night Football. Maybe it
was because Scott was so high on Cleveland this year he decided to draft not one, not two, but
three Cleveland Browns onto his fantasy squad? Maybe, it’s because Russell Wilson is without
Doug Baldwin and was already expected to spend yet another season running for his life and
that didn’t’ even include the week two show down with Khalil Mack! Maybe, it’s because Corey
Davis and the Titans looked downright awful in week 1 and pundits are somehow telling me that
Blaine Gabbert would actually be an upgrade over his current QB in Mariota. No wait I got it,
Scott will lose this week because he somehow managed to lose a starting WR and his 4th round
pick to a practice injury this week. Wait what’s that? Josh Gordon got hurt on a Saturday?!
Doing a photo shoot of all things! I am sorry Scott you are doomed. Remember the 5 D’s with
the W!
(Real life footage from Gordon’s photoshoot)

Did I Stutter? vs. Boomroasted:

This weeks Character Announcement goes to none other than Rolando, my life long fantasy
nemesis, as Toby Flenderson!

Year after year I try and get Rolando to come to the draft, and year after year he denies me with
his presence. This year I even tried to invite his kids along to make the sell easier to his wife.
And what does he tell me? That he didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children since its,
uh, you know, gambling and alcohol. Why is he the way that he is? Honestly, every time I try to
do something fun or exciting (like predict him to lose), he makes it not that way. I hate…so
much…about the things you choose to be Rolando. Including how you always choose to have an
incredibly balanced and winning fantasy lineup year in and year out. Did I Stutter? with yet
another W. Bleh!