It has been said that raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla
warfare. And during the teen years? Everything is intensified.
I have spent my entire adult life focused on helping teens and
their parents navigate adolescence, yet I don’t have many
easy answers. There is hope and practical help for you in this
book, but there is no such thing as a quick fix or a magic
potion when it comes to raising a teenager.
Free small-group guides for each chapter of Teenology are available at www
.HomeWord.com/teenologysmallgroupcurriculum.
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Parents aren’t the only ones who are struggling. Teens are
also going through tremendous changes. I was interviewing
film producer Michael Landon Jr. on our HomeWord radio
broadcast, and he flatly stated, “This is the first generation
of young people who have experienced the complete death
of innocence.”1 Just this past month I looked out at a large
crowd of teenagers I was speaking to and said, “I wouldn’t
want to be your age.”
This generation likely has to deal with viewing Inter-
net pornography by age eleven and cell phone “sexting”2 in
middle school. In fact, our parents probably were upset with
our use of the home telephone line, but your children’s cell
phone will be the greatest provider of pornography for their
generation. Add the pressure to conform to the cultural norm
of the day and society’s sheer lack of a biblical worldview,
and it is no wonder kids are struggling. Today’s teens face
more violence, promiscuity, drug abuse, and depression than
any previous generation. And issues like sexual abuse, eating
disorders, self-injury, and sexually transmitted diseases are at
a mind-boggling, epidemic scale. Sure, these problems were
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I love the comic strip that shows a teen racing into the
living room and announcing to her parents that she just
left the kitchen a mess. We see a blown-up macaroni cup
in the microwave and a spilled diet soda on the counter.
The girl tells her mom she needs her black jeans washed
for tomorrow and then begs her dad to borrow his car
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because hers is low on gas. She lets them know her home-
work isn’t done and she can’t find her cell phone, but she
has to run because she is late for a date with her friends at
the mall . . . uh, library. As she leaves, she asks, “Where’s
my other shoe?” The mom looks up from her magazine
and tells her husband, “Just think: When we are old, she
may be the one taking care of us.” He responds with only
a look of fright.
What does a healthy teenager look like? What exactly
is normal teen behavior? The controversial Sigmund Freud
once suggested that adolescence is a temporary mental ill-
ness. His daughter, Anna Freud, who followed in her father’s
vocational footsteps, said, “To be normal during the adoles-
cent period is by itself abnormal.”3 Much more recently, Walt
Mueller, my good friend and an adolescent culture expert,
described adolescence as a transitional stage in which your
child is “an adult trying to happen.”4
When you think of the teen years, words like emotional
roller coaster, pimples, phone, drama, chaos, extreme laughter,
extreme anger, extreme emotion, extreme everything!, pushing
the limits, drawing outside the lines, rebellion, experimentation,
attitude, frustration, and passion are all important parts of
the mix. What part of a teen’s life isn’t changing? Not only
are there massive physical changes, but emotions are run-
ning wild, and once-nice ten-year-olds become insufferably
argumentative. Cathy and I often asked each other, “Who
is that person now living in our house?” And just when we
thought we had it semi–figured out, the next child came
along and brought us the “gift” of a totally different way
of dealing with her teenage years.
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Self-Identity
Healthy Relationships
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Good Decisions
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asked the people, “What percent of your time are you a mom
or a dad, and what percent of your time are you a wife or a
husband?” The answer was enlightening: about 90 percent
time as a parent and 10 percent as a spouse. A child-focused
lifestyle isn’t healthy, and frankly, it’s not fair to the kids if
you expect to be a healthy role model. So it’s back to what
I said at the beginning of the chapter: Parents have to stay
calm, get on the same page to work their plan, and then stay
as emotionally and spiritually healthy as they possibly can.
Our family has raised dogs and cats over the years. Today,
we have two incredibly compliant and loving golden retriev-
ers, Hobie and Kona. We have also had our share of cats. At
the risk of offending cat lovers, I like dogs more than cats.
Dogs are loyal, affectionate, and easy to train, and they love
to please. On the other hand, my experience with cats is that
although they can be affectionate and loving (sort of), it is
almost always on their terms. Dogs come bounding up to
you with a smile (do dogs really smile?) and offer you their
head to be petted and loved on. A cat has to be in the right
mood. If you wait long enough, the cat just might curl up
on your lap, but it usually takes a while.
I’ve heard people compare dogs to young children and
cats to teens. Cats have minds of their own. They give you
blank stares, as if they don’t know you or don’t want to know
you. They leave the home, sometimes for long periods. They
seem more preoccupied with their needs and wants. They
hardly ever want to do anything with the family. Micro
managing a cat rarely works and just brings more frustration.
Cats mope around and sometimes look almost depressed.
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