Anda di halaman 1dari 12

Extension English 1

Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586


Draft One:

In class activity: fill in the Lune

Describe the setting of a


place that makes you Madness News/media Chaos
world weary

Describe how you feel in


this weary place Insanity Empty Suffocated Emotionless Confused

Describe the setting of a


place you desire to be Romantic Seaside Relaxation

Describe how you feel in


the place you desire Loved Selfless Home

Describe how you feel


being caught between Hope Confused Challenged Disoriented Loved
these two places

Describe how you will


get to your desired place Aspiration Achieving goals Visualisation

Draft Two:

The view of him watching the thumping waves unusual.


The atmosphere of the cold night sitting on the light white sand,
was different.
Even though the sand was as soft as a cushion…
The atmosphere this time, was different.

She watched him so silently,


as he watched the young beautiful lady walk past.
She sat silently beside him.

She moves closer towards his soft lips,


Extension English 2
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
still he does not acknowledge her presence.
Again, she sits silently besides him.

She had fallen so deep that it was like a heavy anchor


that was stuck in the bottom of the deep ocean.

His heart,
was elsewhere.
His heart,
no longer belongs with her.

Draft Three:

The sun was generously radiating its healing rays, a blanket of remedial joy cast over

the singing neighbours, the kids running after each other around the cul-de sac,

careless and free. It was the prototypical perfect day. She took a moment to appreciate

it in all its glory before locking her car and heading inside. She continued with her

routinely tasks, passing by her bedroom to go wash up, as usual. She realized a small

note pinned to her door.

He took her hand as though she was the only woman in the world. He leaned in for a

gentle kiss that confirmed to her that she was the only woman in his world. His gaze,

warmly familiar and breathtakingly exhilarating all at once. She didn’t like change;

her life was bound by routines and pre-meditated strategies and schedules. But she

knew things would always change. He made her fall and hooked her on the bottom of

the ocean with the resilient anchor. - Nice descriptive line, especially the description

of ‘resilient anchor’ (peer comment).


Extension English 3
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
Finally, they arrived. - I like this line standing on its own; adding more to the story

before it would also help to emphasise the idea of the ‘finally’ if it’s further into the

story (peer comment).

They walked past the blissful crowd, hand-in-hand. The breeze was calm, his grip

tight on her. For an instant she felt invincible. Nothing could ruin this moment. They

continued to walk, each prizing look he stole recharging her sense of purpose. Each

furtive glare all she would await. A contented soul.

This one time, however, his glare lasted for more than a couple of seconds. She tried

to fight a smile creep up onto her face and could tell her face was starting to heat up.

She looked back into those deep, marbly eyes of his. Deep enough, she thought, for

good measure. She had never known eyes to hold as much power to immerse another

being completely. She was completely comforted, slowly slipping into a smitten

daze… until the contact broke. His gaze shifted. He slowly let go of her hand and

watched another woman walk past, as though she immediately did not exist anymore.

Overall peer review comment:

- The ideas are interesting and it’s enjoyable to read

- Expanding the start of the story before the ‘finally’ line could add to the effect

of the line as the turning point in the story

- Also include more descriptive language


Extension English 4
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
Final Copy:

The Rapid Turn Over

The sun was generously radiating its healing rays, a blanket of remedial joy cast over

the singing neighbours, the kids running after each other around the cul-de sac,

careless and free. It was the prototypical perfect day. She took a moment to appreciate

it in all its glory before locking her car and heading inside. She continued with her

routinely tasks, passing by her bedroom to go wash up, as usual. A small halt in the

spring of her step. She realised a small note pinned to her door.

The note read, “ Date night! Pick you up at 7:30, be ready xx”. So smiling she went,

the spring restored in her step, full of excitement she began the familiar process of

preparing for what she anticipated to be a delightful night. Meticulously applying her

makeup, and her short red dress that she knew he loved. Like always, she was late.

He awaited her presence patiently, until she was finally ready by 8:00pm.

He took her hand as though she was the only woman in the world. He leaned in for a

gentle kiss that confirmed to her that she was the only woman in his world. His gaze,

warmly familiar and breathtakingly exhilarating all at once. She didn’t like change,

her life was bound by routines and pre-meditated strategies and schedules. But she

knew things would always change. No matter how much they did though, she knew

she would always find a sense of home in his eyes. The world would warp around her,

against her will more often than not, but the way he looked at her was the source of

constancy that was enough to counter-balance it all. All he had to do was cast his eyes

upon her in that oh-so-endearing way, and somehow everything was going to be just
Extension English 5
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
okay. The drive to the pier was nothing less than perfect. She was floating on waters

of captivation, hooked onto the ocean-floor by his anchor of resilient affection. He

looked at her again. She sunk a little deeper.

Finally, they arrived.

They walked past the blissful crowd, hand-in-hand. The breeze was calm, his grip

tight on her. For an instant she felt invincible. Nothing could ruin this moment. They

continued to walk, each prizing look he stole recharging her sense of purpose. Each

furtive glare all she would await. A contented soul.

This one time, however, his glare lasted for more than a couple of seconds. She tried

to fight a smile creep up onto her face and could tell her face was starting to heat up.

She looked back into those deep, marbly eyes of his. Deep enough, she thought, for

good measure. She had never known eyes to hold as much power to immerse another

being completely. She was completely comforted, slowly slipping into a smitten

daze… until the contact broke. His gaze shifted. He slowly let go of her hand and

watched another woman walk past, as though she immediately did not exist anymore.

A pit of emptiness in her stomach grew and grew as she incredulously watched him

continue to observe someone else. It soon engulfed her, taking over what was

previously immersed by the certainty she once felt.

It was supposed to be a romantic night out by the Pier. The atmosphere set the ideal

mood for the many couples enjoying the cold night out. And the scenery… it was the

prototype for a perfect date night out. But that was all it was. A prototype. She came
Extension English 6
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
to see how her rigid, boxed-in view of life was failing her, yet again. “You’ve gotta

have a fluid approach to things, to life,” he would always tell her. Fluid... She looked

out at the waves. They were fluid. But no matter how far they were dragged out into

the great blue, they always came back, time and time again. She was mesmerised by

their movement. There was an element of sure security the waves possessed that she

envied. She looked back at him, her field of view changing from the known to the yet

undiscovered; she was uneasy but oblivious.

Who knew that this would be their last date together?

Something was irking her though. Something was telling her that from today, things

might not be the same. The view of him watching the thumping waves of the shadowy

indigo waters was still great in a way: great, but also greatly different. This time, even

the sand sunk under their weight differently as they rest upon it. It put up more of a

fight, less accommodating to the bodies that were somehow separated by an

unfathomable distance while sitting right besides each other. It was insane how the

smallest of details, the most trivial of actions, a look, can onset waves of realization

and sends an entire world crashing down. As she looked at him and back at the waves

again, she was beginning to see everything for what it was. It was as if a false veil of

comfort and security had been lifted from her eyes – an undistorted vision of reality.

All she could do was breathe and brace herself.

He turned to her. Again, he took her hand, just as gently as he had done before, but

not as stably. Something felt weaker. He took her hand, but this time to break the

solemn news of why everything felt different, why it was all soon to be over.
Extension English 7
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
The robust framework that she was convinced was the beginning to their lives

together was destroyed in an instant of combustion. And it would take years to repair

herself from the ashes of that fire.


Extension English 8
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
Reflection:

The Rapid Turn Over is a creative and imaginative prose that explores the emotions

and realities involved with a nameless young girl who has been heart broken. The

composition was created based on my personal interest and wandering imagination on

the topic of ‘love’. Through the lengthy process comprised of the important aspects of

planning, drafting, editing and publishing, I have been able to compose a finalised and

structured prose.

The process of planning is crucial when composing any writing task. This procedure

is significant as it is the initial and foundational stage of forming and collecting ideas.

The piece originated from a quick in-class exercise which involved filling out the

blanks of the above table, known as the ‘Lune’. Commencing the writing task with

this pedagogical strategy allowed the task to be made less difficult as it did not require

forming complete and comprehensive sentences or focusing on the structure of a

prose. This fundamental activity allowed for a writing idea to be created and

eventuate into a transformed prose and short text (Beard, 2009, p.65). The Lune made

it easier for thoughts and deliberations to be mapped out. For example, describing the

setting of a place that causes one to be world-weary and describing the feeling

involved with that place you desire provided an advantage for beginning the task in

that the writer is able to gain a multi-dimensional understanding of the people and

places involved. For some students, having to write a prose or creative piece ‘off-the-

bat’ may be overwhelming as some students lack confidence in their writing skills. By

introducing pedagogical strategies of planning, such as the Lune activity, a larger

array of students, regardless of their academic levels, are guided successfully through

the process of writing a prose. Using the Lune scaffold for my own prose writing has
Extension English 9
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
assisted me to better communicate and express my intended ideas and thoughts in

order to begin the prose. I will therefore support and implement the use of the

planning strategy to support my future students to become successful and more

confident writers.

The process of drafting is the stage that allows students to organise and structure their

ideas into a coherent format. Another process that was used to finalise the piece of

prose was peer reviewing, which is also known as collaborative drafting. Peer

reviewing is an effective form of drafting as students are able to identify the strongest

qualities of another student’s writing piece, as well as recommend any alterations that

could be made in improvement. As new ideas were introduced via the process of peer

reviewing, my prose began to significantly progress and develop, adopting more

forms of descriptive and emotive language. The instructive strategy of peer reviewing

allowed for my piece of writing to be translated into the expected structure and format

of a prose. As evident in Draft three, there was not an extensive use of descriptive

language and concepts and moments were not explained in depth. However, through

the process of peer reviewing I was able to gain feedback suggesting the addition of

more evocative language throughout the length of the prose. The feedback also

suggested to expand the plot of the story in the primary staged before ‘finally, we

arrived’ as it provided more context to the scene, resulting in a more effectual turning

point of the story. In the development of my composition, I attempted to include more

graphic and vivid language, creating a vision for the story. I also included additional

description and building moments at the beginning of the story before the culmination

point. The process of editing also consists of revising the content and correcting any

punctuation and grammatical errors. For my prose to be polished and complete, I


Extension English 10
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
independently edited and revised any grammatical errors. This was also reinforced

through peer editing during the tutorials.

A considerably significant change made would be the synthesis of the ideas and

plotline at the forefront of the story before the interaction between the couple. In the

first drafts, including the poem, there was not much information or substance

preceding that certain point in the story. I created more of a foundational background

to support the upcoming and unfolding events. Building on these ideas allowed for the

final prose to be an increased understanding of the character’s traits and situation.

Forming a stronger initial context to relate the events of the story to creates a deeper,

multifaceted engagement and understanding for the reader. Adding this bulk of

description at the beginning of the story also created a sequential progression of

events to follow rather than the drastic jumps from scene to scene in draft three.

Another significant modification would be the improvement of expression allied with

more sophisticated syntax. Throughout the drafts it can be noted that concepts became

more refined and well articulated. The increased use of emotive language as well as

the addition of the extended metaphor of his gaze being her source of comfort adds

eloquence and depth to the piece. I prolonged the duration and explanation of the

critical and major determining points closer to the end of the story to emphasise the

intended dramatic effect. The collaboration of these substantial changes resulted in a

piece that was much more intricate and was able to successfully and extensively

express my envisioned narrative of love.

The implication of encouraging students to exercise their creative writing abilities

allows them to develop in terms of their ingenuity and expression. By prompting


Extension English 11
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
students to use their imagination and engage in writing compositions, students are

able to develop their own piece of text while strengthening their writing capabilities.

The NSW syllabus (2017) outcomes outlines that students learn to respond to and

compose texts where students are able to shape and arrange textual elements in order

to express thoughts, ideas and emotions in order to compose a written piece (p.3). As

evident when writing my own prose, the NSW syllabus (2017) also engages the

concepts of planning and drafting when beginning a writing activity (p.4). The

process of planning allows students to engage with their creative elements,

reinforcing their ideas or thoughts in order to compose a literary piece. The vitality of

the process of drafting is demonstrated as it is a skill that students are taught from

stage 2 following though to stage 6. This is therefore an imperative element of

teaching students how to write, beginning from a bulk of somewhat unorganised

original ideas that they begin to refine and improve progressively. The pedagogical

strategy of planning and drafting will be implemented within my future English

lessons to support students in becoming more creative and successful writers.

By being able to complete the composition task and conduct my own piece of prose, I

have been able to identify the important features of a writing task, as well as the

implications of teaching writing in English.


Extension English 12
Aisha Elachrafi- 18028586
Reference:

Beard, R. (2009). The SAGE handbook of writing development (pp. 65-79). Los

Angeles: SAGE.

NSW, B. (2017). English K–10 :: Stage 3 :: Writing and representing.

Syllabus.nesa.nsw.edu.au. Retrieved 1 August 2017, from

https://syllabus.nesa.nsw.edu.au/english/english-k10/content/897/

NSW, B. (2017). English K–10 :: Stage 5 - Activity 2. Syllabus.nesa.nsw.edu.au.

Retrieved 4 August 2017, from

https://syllabus.nesa.nsw.edu.au/english/english-k10/stage-5-activity-2/