Gladys – Spic-O-Rama by John Leguizamo

Ay Miguelito, Miguelito are these your brush strokes? Look at

this Ophelia they’re color coded; yellow for the front and brown
for the back! Cochino asqueroso. Hola, Speranza Nenita, how you
doin’? Nena, bring those hips over here, mami. You look
terrific! Well, lemme tell you twenty children haven’t slowed
you down one bit! I’m tellin’ you. I’m just teasing you. Are you
on a diet? Ay nena, I’m on a diet too, but what you see is a
very tall woman trapped in a very short body.

[Re: Aerobics] Ay nena, I can’t do this no more. All this just

to be loved from the neck up, no joda.

Ay Peranza, you shouldn’t have, nenita. Miguelito, Esperanza got

you some candy. Nena, next time please don’t a’right. No.
Miguelito say thank you. Always say thank you and please, that
way you get more.

I can’t stay too long. [Ad libs]

You know? It’s not bad enough that that brujah, Yolanda, [stole]
my Felix, but now her Cubanoid little heifer of a daughter is
gonna steal my Willy, pendeja.

Miguelito, don’t interrupt me. Don’t you see I’m talking? Well,
don’t come to me with your problems, you don’t see me running to
you every time I have a problem do you?

Coño!

Now, don’t get loud with me. If she takes your bicycle, then
push her off!

Oops, I hope the most sacred lady of the hussies didn’t hear me.

Ay Yolanda, I’m sorry. I hope Malaria’s okay! I’m sorry.

Miguelito come over here! I ought to slap you silly cabroncito.

I’m glad you knocked her down, just don’t get caught next time
tha’s all. Now, go play like a little gentleman.

There, I scolded him for you, Yolanda! Now he’s crying, I hope
you’re happy!
Ay, mirá, Peranza. Nenita, what did you do to your hair? What.
Did you do. To your hair. Nena, that is a do and a don’t
together, I’m tellin’ you.

Tha’s right, we marry beneath us. All redheads do. Tha’s right.

No, this is not a hair weave. This is hair fusion. You know, I
could do this and more to my hair and Felix would not even
notice. Ay, no, nena the romance has gone. Poof. Tú sabes like
dead champagne.

Ay, nenita look at that gorgeous papi over there. No! Don’t look
now, don’t look don’t look! Go ‘head, look. No, don’t look don’t
look! Isn’t he gorgeous? He comes here, and he does his jeans
every day. The same jeans.

Ay, díos mio, no invente, Papito.

How do I look, do I look alright? Do I at least look good for

me, then? No, I’m not gonna sit down. I can look at the menu as
long as I don’t order, right?

Ishmael! Ishmalito. Ishy!

Ay, why is he talking to that butless, anorexic, third world, de

Grassia? Would you tell me that? Well, the witch must have put a
spell on him, that must be it, nena. Do you see the way she
dresses? Do you see the way she moves? It’s obscene! It’s
disgusting. It’s perverse. Oh, God! I wish I were her.

Ay, is that you? What is that horrible smell? Ay! Gavetas, it’s
the baby! Would somebody for me please change this? Díos mio, no
joda!

Ay, nenita. I tell you, all this responsibility, it never STOPS!

All day long, it’s always change this feed this take care of
that. No wonder animals eat their young! Oh and you know it’s
only a matter of time before she’s gonna turn on me. But, nena,
let me tell you somethin’. Let me tell you somethin’. It’s a
mother’s curse. You hate your own mother until you become one,
and then you are filled with the deepest respect.

I’ve never had a chance to be independent. Oh, no. All my life

somebody’s been on my tit, you know? That’s why they hanging so
low. People don’t like their women strong. Especially Spanish
women, forget about it. We’re just ornaments, nena. Female
eunuchs. Mhm. And God forbid, we should go for what we want
because then you are a bitch.

Mira, Miguelito. Miguelito if you fall off that dryer and break
your legs don’t come running to me, alright?

I wish I could change my name to Christmas or Electricity.

‘Cause Gladys is just so plain, you know? Everybody would find
me mysterious. I’d get invited to all the parties, right? ‘Cause
I’ve wanted to have a life, you know? One of those you can talk
about. ‘Cause I had the brains, but not the clothes. That’s why
I dropped out of high school.

Ay, que te paso, Mamita. Ay, she’s having a bad dream.

Sana qué sana,
Culito de rana,
Si no sanas hoy
Sanaras mañana.

[Pouring soda into baby bottle] Oh, don’t worry it’s diet.

Ay, did I tell you? I had a terrible dream last night. I had
dreamt that my mother had died. I woke up crying, and sweating,
temblano, tu sabes. And I went running into her room. I hugged
her. I kissed her. Told her I loved her. And she slapped me
across the face. For waking her up! It’s the story of my life,
mija. She never forgave me for putting her in a home. And I’ll
never forgive myself for taking her out. All day long, it’s “Ay,
nena, I’m gonna die. Ay, nena I’m gonna die.” I’m starting to
like the sound of it, you know?

Oh, I know, I’m the dark meat of my family. I know. Speaking of

dark meat. [Pulls a chicken leg from the stroller.]

Did you hear about Butlessness and somebody husband? Did you?
Nena, I heard it from a very reliable source. Somebody told
somebody, who then told somebody, who then told somebody else,
who then told me quite by accident. So I know it’s true. No, it
wasn’t Rosie. No, it wasn’t Agnes. Did I say Mirta? No I did not
say Mirta. Yes! Yes! I was Cookie! ¡Imajinate! ¡Imajinate! And
they’re supposed to be best friends! See, I told you. You can’t
trust other women, ‘cause they say one thing to your front and
another to your behind.

Mira, Peranza. If I was two-faced, do you think I’d be wearing

this one? Díos mio, por favor.
Mira, Peranza. Felix has got some mujer y llando out there
somewhere. He’s out there wenching. Sure, you know they’re gonna
find one day that I killed my husband. And I’m gonna plead
voluntary insanity.

Mira, I’m thinking about letting Felix come back to the house.
But on probation see, porque as bad as he is, he’s still one of
the better ones.

Ay, nena I didn’t realize what time it was! I gotta take the F
train to the culo de New York, tu sabes?

Ay, Miguelito let’s go, we gonna be late for the wedding! Well,
if it’s your bicycle then knock her down what are you a boy or a
girl?