PLAYSCRIPT

Jack Goes Boating

BY BOB GLAUDINI

Connie (Beth Cole) and Jack (Philip Seymour Hoffman) don't feel the cold in
LAByrinth Theater Company's production of Jack Goes Boating.

JUL/AUGOT AMCRICANTKEATRE
 PLAYSCRIPT Bob Glaudini Jack Goes Boating

Jack Goes JACK: T h e tape's getting stretched.

Jack plays "Riveis of Babylon" on a small portable player.
CLYDE: You should go C D .
JACK: Probably.

Boating CLYDE: G o high tech.

JACK: Yeah.
Clyde listens. Observes Jack.
CLYDE: Turn it down a minute. I want to ask you something.
CHARACTERS JACK: Turn it down?
CONNrE CLYDE: Yeah, a minute.
JACK Jack turns it down.
CLYDE CLYDE: Would you call yourself a Rasta man?
LUCY JACK: No.
CLYDE: You thinking of becoming one?
TIME/PLAGE JACK: No.
New York City. Today. CLYDE: That's all I wanted to know. Turn it back up, if you want. I
just wanted to ask.
ACT ONE JACK: I'm into reggae.
CLYDE: I noticed.
1. JACK: You like the song?
Clyde and Lucy's apartment. Jack and Clyde. Jack's hair is in newly develop- CLYDE: Some of the words, you know, I don't get, so it's hard to commit.
ing dreads and/or braids of his own creation. Clyde has a handsome haircut, JACK: "Over I" is a hard one.
a well-trim?ned thin mustache. Both are in liwousine-driver black suits. CLYDE: "Over I"?
Jack IS bundled in a winter coat and scarf. Clyde studies Jack, waiting for JACK: "Over I," yeah.
an anrd)er. CLYDE: I was thinking to ask.
JACK: I'm into this song.
CLYDE; ...I think you should. CLYDE: I know.
JACK: Yeah? JACK: Reggae's mainly positive.
CLYDE: Yeah. I think so. CLYDE: You never talked about it. But.. .y'know,. .1 thought.. .y'know...
JACK: Whar's she do there? We'll just order something and hang around here Saturday night.
CLYDE: She's the assistant to the embahner... JACK: Yeah.
JACK: Aw, no... CLYDE: N o biggie.
CLYDE: ...something with the fluids. Clyde tokes on thejoivt. Clyde observes Jack, quietly amused.
JACK: ...no, aw...
CLYDE: No, man. Lucy's training her to sell grief seminars for Dr. Bob. 2.
I \ f's tloing a tour of seven states. Clyde and Lucy's apartment. Connie, Jack, Clyde.
JACK: Phone sales? JACK: I'm sorry, y'know...
CLYDE: Ye:ih. CONNIE: Yeah.,.
JACK: Oh...cool. JACK: ...to hear...
CLYDE: Yeah, she calls the funeral directors. You want to meet her? CLYDE: Yeah...In a coma, man.
JACK: Yeah. CONNIE: For about three months.
CLYDE: Lucy'll set it up. JACK: To see your dad like that...
JACK: What's her name? Clyde relights the joint. Offers it to Connie,
CLYDE: Connie. CONNIE: No, no thanks, I'm fine.
JACK: From Constance. Clyde passes the joint to Jack. Jack doesn 't take a hit. Puts joint in saucer.
(.'lyile relights a Joint. PC/.CTM it to Jack. JACK: ...after not seeing him for a while...then... (To Clyde) ...
CLYDE: You're off Saturday night, right? y'know?
JACK: Yeah, probably. CLYDE: Yeah...
CLYDE: Tell your uncle. CONNIE: ...In a room for people in comas.
JACK: \Vliat it you have to drive? CLYDE: Man...in a coma...
CLYDE: I'm not scheduled. JACK:That'd be...what would that be like?...
JACK: You know how it gets weekends. CONNEE: T h e coma nurse said when he gasped for air his body did it
CLYDE: We're working the day, he'll be O K with it. in a reactive mode.
JACK: Don't mention why. JACK: Aw, that's... (To Clyde) ...right?
CLYDE: Hey. CLYDE: Yeah...
JACK: That it's...y'biow...because.., CONNIE: H e said the body reacts when the oxygen is used up, so you
CLYDE: 1 won't. gasp for air. Like a dry pump. That's how he put it. H e said I should
JACK:.. .he won't let it rest. talk it over with the family about what we wanted to do, if it came to,
CLYDE: Not a word. to...y'know...I was thinking that people in comas hear everything. I
JACK: It's how he is... was glad when he left, and I was alone with my dad.
CLYDE: I'll tliink of something to tell him. JACK: ,..3hem...hem...that'sgood, that he left...because...
JACK: OK to hear this again? CLYDE: Yeah.
CLYDE: Sure. CONNIE: I was glad he left.

AMERICANTHEATRE JUL/AUG07
Jack (Philip Seymoui Holrindiii, his get-we!i koala and Clyde (John Ortizi commune in the hospital waiting room.

JACK: Yeah, CONNIE: He went back to the apartment at Sunshine Valley Care Facility.
CONNIE: He was coming on to me. JACK: God, that's...got up from a coma and went home.
JACK: The coma nurse? CONNIE: He wanted me to get his driver's hcense back from the man-
CLYDE: Right there? • ' ager of the facility. He wanted the keys to the car, because it was his
CONNIE: Yeah. car, he said, and it was his hcense, so he wanted it back. He talked in a
JACK: Right there in the coma room? : soft voice.. .like.. .y'know.. .1 thought he's not really here. He's in like a
CLYDE: That's not right. zombie state. Not like Dimm ofthe Dead, but a zombie state where you
CONNIE: He stood close, almost touching me, at one point, in fact, Stay around because there^ some untinished business you're responsible
he diit touch me, and let his hand stay on my ann without saying for—like taking care of my mom,
anything until my dad gasped. Then he left the coma room. I was JACK: Yeah, your mom, of course...
relieved because he was coming on to me, and my dad was right there. CONNIE: They were married 52 years.
In a coma, but still... JACK: .. .yeah, to make sure she was...
CLYDE: That's not right. CLYDE: 52? Unbelievable...I mean, I believe it, but, wow, 52 years.
JACK: No, in the coma room with yoiu* dad right there?...In a coma, CONNIE: Then he fell down in the hallway and hit his head, and then
yeah, but still, like you say.,. he died.
CONNIE: No, I know, y'know...because what they say about people in JACK: God...oh...after waking up...a kind of...
comas hearing everything. CLYDE: Yeah...coming from a coma, and then...
JACK: ...yeah...l think so... JACK: Yeah, a kind of miracle, to wake up, and then to...
CONNIE: My dad would not be breathing, not moving, y'know, and CLYDE: Yeah...
tlien gasp for air like that, and twist his body, y'know, jerk around like, JACK: ...CUT. he wanted to take care of your mom.
I thought, he wanted to get out ot there. So, when I was alone with my CONNIE: She was blind. She couldn't walk, really. She imagined things.
dad, I told him it's OK to go, that he didn't have to stick around. I told She told me a nurse came into her room late at night to beat her. She
him don't worry. I'd take care of Moni. I told him I loved him, and that said a mean nurse came in the middle ofthe night and beat her on the
he was a great dad. I told him I was gonna make a lot of money, and back. I never saw marks, so I thought, no.
take care of my mom, and he was free to take off to heaven. I told him JACK: No, not in a care home.
things I probably saw in a movie that I believed tor some reason right CONNIE: Then they caught a nurse slapping her.
then when I said it. Two days later, he woke up out ofthe coma. JACK: Jesus.
CLYDE: Fuck. CLYDE: She didn't make it up.
JACK: I hat's...wow...woke up? CONNIE: No.
CONNIE: ...After three months. CLYDE: That's messed up.
CLYDE: Fuck. CONNIE: One ofthe care nurses on the night shift. They fired her.
JUL/AUG07 AMERICANTHEATRE BT
 PLAYSCRIPT Bob Glaudini Jack Goes Boating

CLYDE: I should hope they did. JACK: I should go, y'know, if it's gonna snow like that. Smells good,
CONNIE: She saw things in the air near the end. She u-as hlind hut she'd though. Is that the Sumatra?
look in the air like she was seeing them. I don't know what, y'know.. .1 LUCY: Yeah.
asked if she was nfraid to die and she said, no, but that she'd rather CLYDE: Sumatra? Indonesia...
nor. The bathroom's hack there? LUCY: Yeah.
CLYDE: Vcnh. JACK: Maybe a cup before I go.
Connie goes. LUCY: Must be an early call, if you kept tlie limo.
JACK: I didn't mean, when I asked about her mom and dad... JACK: Four A.M.
CLYDE: She needetl to talk ahout it, I guess. LUCY: Damn.
JACK: I thought, y'know, make conversation. CLYDE: You liked Connie?
CLYDE: Lucy said she talks when she's nervous. JACK: We got along pretty well outside, ahem...She said she'd
JACK: That's OK, though, she talks, I mean... i like...ahem...She'd like to go boating.
CLYDE: Yeah. Lucy's gone a while, right? CLYDE: Boating?
JACK: Yenh... JACK: Rowing in a txiat. She said boating, y'know, to go boating.. .ahem,
CLYDE: They probably didn't have Chunk)' Monkey at the deli, so ahem...sometime, when it's, hem, when...
she's on a search. LUCY: Have some water.
JACK: Yeah... Jack drinks sot/ie water.
Buzzer. CLYDE: So what did you say?
CLYDE: Huh? Huh? How many times you think, "Hey, y'know, they JACK: What?
heen gone a long time," then, buzz, y'know, they're there, or. you think, CLYDE: When she said go rowing in a boat—boating.
"I haven't heard from so and so," then, ring-ring, y'know? JACK: I said, maybe it'd be fun to go sometime. Wlien it's warmer.
JACK: Yeiih. LUCY: Rowing in a boat?
CLYDE: It's hard ro explain. JACK: We were talking about summer things.
JACK: 1 don't think you can. CLYDE: You made a date for summer?
CLYDE: Good point. JACK: No, I'm not, y'know...like, that bad to say let's do something
Ruzzer. next summer, y'know, like six months from now.
CLYDE: A very good point. (Into intercom) Yo! LUCY: No, no, no, we know.
LUCY (Offstage; over intercom)' Yo! JACK: It started to snow, and it came up, y'know, warm weather, and
Clyde buzzes her in. Jack is a?nused. ] it got to summer, to go rowing in a hoar.
CLYDE: W i i a t ? . , • . LUCY: She must like you.
JACK: "Y()'"s funny... . . JACK: Maybe.
CLYDE: "Yo"? LUCY: Yeah! Because I don't think she feels safe around water.
JACK: Yeah. JACK: She doesn't?
Clyde opens the door. Waits for Lucy. LUCY: Dr. Bob was talking about the Family Reaction to Accidental
CLYDE: "Yo"? Death—and Connie told us about her little cousin that drowned.
JACK: Yeah. JACK: No, she never said.
LUCY (Ojfstage): Are you ready for Chunky Monkey? LUCY: Yeah! She was at her aunt's, at a family reunion somewhere in
the South, I think, like a family thing, a big reunion along a bayou,
Lucy enters, slips out of her jacket and scarf. Crosses the room., smiling.
Exhibits a bag containing ice cream. near her aunt's house, and someone started asking, "Where's litde
LUCY: Chunky Monkey coming up. Ricky.Jr.?"
Lucy exits, to kitchen. JACK: Oh. man.
LUCY: Yeah. She was ten, she said, but she's been afraid since then. She
3. said "go boating." I think she liked you.
Clyde and Lucy V upart?nent. Later that mght. Clyde tastes coffee. JACK: We were talking about rowing in a boat. She brought it up.
CLYDE: Hnimm. I'm tempted to say— (inteiTupts hisjudgnient) Jack's Boating. On a lake when it's warmer. She didn't say she was afraid. 1
been gone, I wonder— said, yeah, but I don't know if I want to go out in a boat,
LUCY: Come on, five bucks you can't tell. CLYDE: If you're afraid, it's not a good idea.
Buzzer. JACK: No, I'm not afraid...it's...
CLYDE: Ha! (Into inteicofn) Yo! CLYDE: No, I know...I meant, in general...
JACK (Offstage: ovef intercom): Yo! JACK: Yeah. I can't swim.
CLYDE: I thoughr maybe he and Connie ran off. (Smells coffee, musing) CLYDE: I rold you I'd teach you.
Is ir Konar...Is ir rhe Hawaiian?... LUCY: Me taught me.
LUCY: You're supposed to taste it, and say what it is. Not stall around. CLYDE: You never said you wanted to learn.
CLYDE: My nose has lost its edge. Your nose goes, your taste goes. LUCY: There's plenty of time before summer. Go ice-skadng—
Jack enters. Snow on hitn. JACK: Well—
JACK: It's snowing. LUCY: I'll find out what movies she likes.
LUCY: They say, a foot. CLYDE: Five years ago 1 told you. I'd teach you to swim.
CLYDE: Took you some time. JACK: You were teaching Lucy, and you said it caused problems teaching
JACK: No cabs. people you're close to...so, y'know...then later, you said you'd reach
LUCY: Clyde thought mayhe you went off together. me, I rhoughr, you know, I don't think so.
JACK: I offered to drive her but she said it'd he too much trouble. CLYDE: That was when I first started driving for your uncle. I just met
Queens, but I would have. you, so I didn't want to talk about something personal, so when you
LUCY: Coffee's ready. asked, what's wrong, I said it was the swimming lessons.
AMERICANTHEATRE JUL/AUG07
JACK; Itwasn'tthe lessons? (Into phone) Hello Mr. Pendecker.
CLYDE: No, some other thing. CONNIE: "Gimme your credit card."
LUCY: He's a good teacher.
JACK: I should learn, I guess, in case, y'know, I go boating, but if she's 5.
aft-aid ofwater... Clyde and Lucy's apartrnvnt. Lucy -with cup ofcoffee. Morning, before work.
CLYDE: Yeah, you could help her, y'know, get over the fear. LUCY (To Clyde, offitage): It's a sales job. That's the liottom line. After
LUCY: Clyde teaches a tai-chi swimming style. (Demonstiates) all Dr. Boh's talk ahout how it helps the grieving family, ifyou don't
CLYDE: It's basically basic swimming. close, you don't last. Anytime you want to give up the bathroom is
LUCY: You can go boating, and not worry about drowning, because, cool with me!
y'know, you can swim. Clyde enters.
CLYDE: It could be romantic. CLYDE: I was talking to Jack.
LUCY: They go in Central Park. LUCY: I was talking to you.
JACK: I don't know. CLYDE: I was listening.
LUCY: They go on the Hudson. LUCY: What'd I say?
JACK: I'd have to think about it. CLYDE: You have to fire Connie.
CLYDE: By summer, maybe, you'll he going away together for week- LUCY: I like her, but.. .What's with Jack?
entls to a lake that rents boats. Go boating at night. In the moonlight. CLYDE: He was upset about a guy on the train—eadng potato chips,
Huh? Under the stars. dumping them into his mouth. The stuff falling all over.
JACK: I should learn. LUCY: He needs to hook up. It's time. He's got me and you. and the
CLYDE: We'll go up to 145th. The poo! at Riverbank. limo job. That's it.
JACK: Its heated? CLYDE: That's it for me. I got you. Jack's a friend. I drive a hmo.
CLYDE: State of the art. Ozonefiltration.Olympic scale. Only two bucks. LUCY: You take business classes.
JACK: OK. CLYDE: He's talking ahout the MTA.
CLYDE: I'm serious. LUCY: I love Jack. But Jack's like, I don't know what to call it. What
JACK: I'm serious. would you say?
CLYDE: It'll get me back going. I used to go three, four times a week. CLYDE: I don't know what it is you don't know what to call.
JACK: Good. OK. Yeah. Well. I hener go. (To Lucy) I wanted to play LUCY: It's something.
this tor you. (To Clyde) You liked it, right? She exits to the bathroom.
CLYDE: Yeah. CLYDE: Maybe it's nothing.
LUCY: He told me you were into reggae. She returns.
JACK: It manifests a positive vibe. LUCY: Someone eats potato chips on the train, and it's the end of the world.
Jack pliiys portable player. "Rivers of Babylon." CLYDE: He's OK.
LUCY: Makes me want to manifest some ganja. LUCY: I'm not saying "lite threatening." I'm saying I don't know what to
JACK: I should go. call whatever it is. Connie might be good for him. It would be easier to
LUCY: I have Purple Haze. help it along if she were working there, but.. .and she needs.. .whatever
CLYDE: Haze is back? it is,. .1 don't know. I got to get going.
JACK: 1 should go. CLYDE: This is what? This coffee? This is the Sumatra, right?
The song plays. LUCY: The Kona!
LUCY: The guys up the hlockhave Haze, the second stoop. She exits. He picks up unlit joint. Lights it.
Luey exits. CLYDE: This is Haze, though.
CLYDE (To Jack): Haze? Si7igs:
JACK: I should go because of the snow. Here comes the "over I" part.
Jack ptits on -winterjacket, etc. Purple Haze all in my brain
JACK (Along with song): "Over I..." Lately things don't seem the same
The song plays on. Actin' funny—

4. Tokes.
Dr. Bob's. Connie struggles to close a deal. Lucy weais a monitoring head
phone. She listens in. Purple Haze all around
CONNIE: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm glad the last seminar helped. "The Don't know if I'm comin' up or down
difference in the new seminar experience—" Well, Dr. Bob's not here, Am I happy or in misery?
right this minute, but I...He's at a service. Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me...
LUCY (Quietly emphatic): Credit card.
CONNIE: "The new seminar experience offers techniques—" That's 6.
right— "violent acts...The pain of sudden deaths—" I did? The pool. Jack and Clyde in the water.
LUCY: Credit card. CLYDE: Let's go a little deeper.
CONNIE: Oh, ah—^Mrs. Pendecker? (To Lucy) She went to get her husbainl. JACK; Deeper?
LUCY: I'll talk to him. You listen. It's OK. You're getting the pitch, CLYDE: You'll still touch. A little deeper Come on, a little more.
remember, though, always be closing. Connie, it's all right, you're learn- They walk deeper.
ing. I'll talk to him. You Hsten. "Hello, the opening, gimme the credit JACK: It's getting deep.
card, the pitch, blah blah, gimme the credit card..." It's a mantra... CLYDE: A little more.
Connie repeats after Lucy. JACK: It's pretty deep.
LUCY: Gimme the credit card. Gimme the credit card. CLYDE: OK. Try it now.
JUL/AUG07 AMERICANTHEATRE
 PLAYSCRIPT Bob Glaudlni Jack Goes Boating

Jack ducks in and out. LUCY: CONNIE:

CLYDE: Th;it s good. but.. Jack. That's good, but go under. Make the I need an ambulance. Listen. You're number two
bubbles untlcr the water, then come up. take a breath, and go under, A woman was attacked. in Santa Fe, but guess who's
bubbles, come up, and get a rhythm going. Breath, under, bubbles, up. Yes, she's conscious. numher one and never
JACK: OK. She's coughing up a lot of blood. misses Dr. Bob's seminars?
CLYDE: You'll get used to it. We'll do it together. Ready. But, it's good. Brooklyn. 77444th. T h e Gutierrez Brothers.
Ready. Breath. 1-800-Funeral. That's right. I need your
They take a breath. 1-800-1-uneral. F-u-n... credit card number to save
CLYDE: Under. never mind that—1-800-386-3725. your spot...Let's do it now.
They go under. Make bubbles. Jack resurfaces first. Thomas Funeral Home. Get your American Express,
CLYDE: You can keep your eyes open. 77444th.At78tli. sure—
JACK: T h e goggles leak. Connie i/ends over in pain. Lucy goes to her. Blood.
CLYDE: T h e y should suck around your eyes a little bit. How do CONNIE (Takmg down credit card number): Uh-huh. 3715. 335 OK.
they feel? 9992 OK. 5692. Expiration? We'll call to confirm. Thanks. (To Lucy)
JACK: OK. I closed Lopez.
CLYDE: They suck around your eyes? Groans in pain.
JACK: Yeah, I think. Yeah. LUCY: Baby, the ambulance is coming.
CLYDE: See ifthey leak. Groans, coughs. Blood.
JACK: They feel tight. CONNIE: I closed.
CLYDE: G o under and see?
Jack dips his head under. Up, quickly. 8.
JACK: They seem OK. Subway tunnel. Loud blasts from warning whistles. Green to orange to red
CLYDE: You don't have to close your eyes, though. warning light. Bright white light flashes. Loud sound of train.
JACK: OK.
CLYDE: Look at me when we do it. Ready. 9.
They do it a couple times. Hospital limiting room. Lucy has her phone. Clyde etiters.
CLYDE: You're doing good. CLYDE: She's all right?
JACK: I can do better. LUCY: They said she's OK. Thanks for coming.
CLYDE: YtJu're doing good. CLYDE: Lucky I caught some time. Roads are no picnic.
JACK: I can do better. She takes a call.
Jaik attempts to do so. LUCY: Hello. Mr. Kendal, thanks for calling back. Sure. I'll wait, no,
ril wait.
7. CLYDE: You OK? You sounded prett)' worried.
Dr. Boll's. Connie on phone to a funeral director. LUCY: I thought it was internal bleeding, but it was blood from her
CONNIE: T h e seminar is filling up. Get your partner and let's get nose that hied backwards.
this done. Mr. Lopez. I know you want to do it. I can hear it. Get CLYDE: Backwards? Weird.
your partner. LUCY: Yeah, back-warils into your ston^ach, like a lot. A ruptured dorsal
She coughs into handkerchief, winces from pain. sometbing. She has a couple fractured ribs.
CONNIE: Fuck. Excuse me... CLYDE: But she's OK, I mean...?
Discovers blood. LUCY: We can say hello soon.
CONNIE: I'm fine. Thank you. Clyde answers his phone.
l.iii) enters. Connie wipes mouth undetected. CLYDE: Classic Limousine Service. Yeah. Yeah, A rupture of the
CONNIE: N o . I'm going to hold while you get him. (To Lucy) I'm sorry dorsal something in her nose and it bleeds backwards from there, not
I was late. forward like usual.
LUCY: I need to talk to you when you're done. LUCY (Phone): No, you're worth waiting for.
CONNIE: I'm gonna close Lopez. I know it. Lucy waits for Kendal to return.
LUCY: Dr. Bob wanted to be here, too, but he had to leave. CLYDE: Yeah. Lucy said, a lot. Gets in your stomach. Weird, huh? A
Connie sits, winces. Holds her side. couple broken ribs. OK. (To Lucy) Jack's here.
LUCY: ,\rc you OK? LUCY: He's coming?
CONNIE: ril be all right. I was attacked. I'm line. CLYDE: He's here.
LUCY: \V hat? LUCY (Back to phone): No, I'm here. 1 understand. I'll hold. (To Clyde)
CONNIE: I'm witti Lopez and Curtis. I thought he had an airport run.
LUCY: You were attacked? CLYDE: Blizzard condition.
CONNIE: On the subway. Lucy starts to touch him fondly, hut's .-stopped hy the phone calt resuminfr.
Ctiughs, blood. Lucy sees it. LUCY: N o problem, we'll talk tomorrow. We're looking tor a c<K)rdinator
LUCY: My God.. .get off. in the Phoenix area. No, tomorrow's good. Dr. Bob thinks you're the
CONNIE: N o . I'm going to close. best man. We'd love you to do it. Yeah, we'll talk tomorrow.
More blood. Jack enters carrying a stuffed toy.
LUCY: You're hanging up. CLYDE: What do you have?
CONNIE {.Adamantly): Don't take them from me. I'm going to close! JACK: It's a koala bear.
Connie coughs, mote blood. Lticy dials her cell pho?ie without pa?iic. The Hands it to Clyde.
dialogue overlaps, and is, at times, sifrndtaneous. CLYDE (Reading fivm label): Authentic Koala Bear.
CONNIE (To client): Ili, Mr. Curtis. JACK: She's OK?

AMERICANTHEATRE JUL/AUG07
LUCY: Terrible, buh? JACK: The airport's closed so...
JACK: She's OK though? :: CONNIE: You gotta be careful driving,
LUCY: They said she'll be rine, JACK: Yeah.
CLYDE: I Ic got ber a koala. CONNIE: I look forward to when winter's over.
LUCY: It's cute, • 1 JACK: Go boating, maybe, like we talked about. I mean, unless you
JACK: Thiiik she'll like it? don't want to.
LUCY: Sure. I'm gonna see if I can learn anything. CONNIE: I'd like to go with you.
l.iuy cxit.\: Jack answers his phone. JACK: It's not summer for a while.
JACK: Classic Limousine Service. The hospital. She's OK. A dorsal CONNIE: It seems forever.
something broke. No, the nose. Dorsal, something. Makes it bleed JACK: Veah.
backwards a lot. It happens. Yeah. I got her a koala bear. A stuff-'ed CONNIE: Wiicn you want .something.
bear. Koala. They live in Australia. Ko-al-a. (Spelling it): K-o-a-l-a. JACK: It'll come quick, though. It happens with the Jets. WTien my
OK. OK. Roger that. (Puts aivay phone) I told him about Connie, uncle doesn't go, I get the tickets. It's a montli away, and next diing,
y'know, that I was coming here. Now, he'll be asking all when am I Clyde's saying, "Are you ready for the Jets?" It's like it's in no time at
seeiiig her again. all, it seems.
CLYDE: just, y'know... CONNIE: It seems far, right this moment.
JACK: Yeah...I have to get out of there. JACK: We could do something before summer.
CLYDE: Me, too. CONNIE: OK.
JACK: I got the application for the MTA. JACK: Maybe, I don't know, dinner, when you're better. Make it a big
CLYDE: Good. feast. Just bave too much of everjthing.
JACK: I think, y'know, the tracks? I don't want to work with the public. CONNIE: No one has done that for me.
CLYDE: You do that now. JACK: I hope you're a good eater.
JACK: Not large scale. CONNIE: No one has ever cooked for me before—
Lucy returns. JACK: ...Mmmm...
LUCY: V\'e can say bello now. CONNIE: ...no one has before.
CLYDE: OK. JACK: Well...a...cooking? I was thinking more like—
Lucy gets a call. CONNIE: No one ever.
LUCY: 1 Iang on. (Into phone) Hi, Dr. Bob. You got my message? (Moves JACK: Well, ahem, I thought we'd—
invay to talk) No, betV)re I could tell her. She closed Lopez, broken ribs, CONNIE: That'd be so iiice. Wow, you can cook.
blood and all. I think so, too. JACK: Yeah, but, I meant, y'know, mayhe—No one has cooked for you?
She walks otit ofsight. CONNIE: Not a man.
CLYDE: We're on for tomorrow? JACK: Yeah...Oh. I was thinking—
JACK: Yeah. CONNIE: Oh!
CLYDE: We're going to add the kickboard. JACK: I only have the basement at my uncle's.. .but...
JACK: In the deep end? CONNIE: It's OK.
CLYDE: No, not yet. You've been doing the visualizing? JACK: .Xkind of hot plate...
JACK: Yeah. CONNIE: No. That's all right. I understand.
Clyde's phone rings. JACK: No. I want to, and it...no one's cooked for you—no man?
CLYDE: Classic Limousine Service. Yes, sir. OK. No, I can. I'm on my CONNIE: No, but I understand.
way. (To Jack) The Plaza client wants to take his kid to Serendipity for JACK: No, I want to. I'll ask Clyde and Lucy, y'know, to cook there.
the hot-chocolate sundae. CONNIE: Really? A dinner party?
JACK: I hear they're good there. JACK: .\li, well...
CLYDE: Yeah. VMiere's Lucy? CONNIE: I'll probably get out tomorrow.
Clyde exits the waiting area. Jack retnams. The bear in the next chair. JACK: Oh, that's sudden, 1 mean, to—
TheyVe alone a moment. Clyde returns. CONNIE: No, I don't mean^
CLYDE: She said to go in. JACK: —cook, because—
JACK: (io in? CONNIE: I wasn't saying...Not cook tomorrow.
CLYDE: She's on the phone with her boss. I gotta go. JACK: Yeah, because...
Clyde exits. Jiick finally I'lses. Exits. CONNIE: They want to watch me tonight, but I'll get out tomorrow,
I hope.
10. JACK: I can pick you up.
Hospital room. Connie in bed. Jack enters, CONNIE: You don't work?
JACK: Hi. JACK: Yeah, but...So, you feel OK?
CONNIE: I took a beating. CONNIE: I'm on drugs.
JACK: I l)rought a friend. JACK: Probably.
CONNIE: Oh! CONNIE: A man rubbed up against me...lie was like, y'know, I could
Hf gives her the bear. feel he was, y'know...It was pressing against me...
JACK: A koala bear. JACK: Oh, no...That's...
CONNIE: From Australia. CONNIE: I shouldn't have told you. You'll think of it when you look
JACK: Yeah... "Authentic Koala." ;it me.
CONNIE: This is so sweet. JACK: Wliat?
JACK: I'm sorr\' you were attacked. CONNIE: You won't like me now thatyou know some guy—
CONNIE: Me, too... JACK: No, no—

JUL/AUG ,• AMEHiCANTHEATRE «f
 Bob Giaudini Jack Goes Boating

CONNIE: Itwasn't out. we got married we never used.

JACK: N(i, yeah, oh, no. JACK: OK.
CONNIE: I spit in his face. CLYDE: Tbe cannoli can make a recipe and give you pointers.
Lucy enters. JACK: OK,
LUCY: Hey...Poor baby. How do you feel? CLYDE: You're on your own, though, because we don't do any of that.
CONNIE: OK. We don't chop or mix or whatever. It's something we don't do. When
LUCY: Dr. Bob said come back when you feel you're ready. do you have in mind for the dinner party?
CONNIE: Is he mad at me? JACK: I was thinking in about a month?
LUCY: Honey, why would he be mad at you? CLYDE: A month?
CONNIE: He's not going tofireme? JACK: About a month from now.
LUCY: No. He's mad at the man that attacked you. CLYDE: OK. Well, then, that means there's no rush. That's good.
CONNIE (Overwhelmed): You're all so good to me. JACK: Is cannoli an actual nickname—
A-d>k"ii'ard moment. CLYDE: The cannoli.
JACK: Well, I better go. I should get the limo back. JACK: I mean, should I call him "the cannoli"?
LUCY: You take the bridge, you can drop me at Pacific for the R? CLYDE: No, no, no. Call him Federic. The cannoli is something I call
JACK: OK. Yeah. him. It's a story I don't want to go into. You have an exit strategy?
LUCY: I'll call you this aftemoon. (To Jack) I'll meet you in the waiting room. JACK: WTiat do you mean?
Lucy exits. CLYDE: bi case you change your mind.
CONNIE: Thanks for my new friend. JACK: I'm not going to.
JACK: You think you might want to listen to this song? It's a positive CLYDE: WHiat if you do?
vibe. JACK: I'm not.
CONNIE: Sure. CLYDE: That's good. You're serious. Good. I'll ask Lucy to talk to the
He puts cassette player hy her. Plays "Rivers of Babylon." cannoli. I don't like him that much, not at all, actually, but he's a good
JACK: Some of tlie words are hard to get, at first, so, takes a few times. guy, I'm told.
Well, I better get the car back. JACK: Why don't you?
He leaves the room. Song plays. CLYDE: What?
JACK: Like him.
11. Jack ansiuers his phone.
Clyde and Lucy^s apartment. Jack and Clyde in limo suits. Coffee. JACK: Classic Limousine Service. OK. Air France. OK. OK. OK.
CLYDE: TTiere's a solution for every situation there's a problem. The Roger that. (To Clyde) He's calling you.
situation is you want to cook for Connie. This is something you want Clyde'':ii cell rings.
to do. CLYDE: Classic Limousine Service. OK. Good. Perfect. OK. Yeah. OK.
JACK: Ycab. (To Jack) I got a U.N. pickup for up the Hudson. To Dia Beacon, that
CLYDE: 1 he problem is you don't know how to cook. art place. What'd you catch?
JACK: Yeah. JACK: Someone from France.
CLYDE: I don't know how to cook. Luc\' doesn't cook. Plenty of people CLYDE: I was gonna pick up Lucy.
don t know. JACK: I can do it. You know, and see Cormie.
JACK: And I don't blow. CLYDE: Very good. Two birds, so to speak.
CLYDE: That's right, so what's the solution? (Pause) The solution is to They put on ivinter coats. Plus gloves, hats, scai-ves.
have Lucy's friend, the cannoli, teach you how to cook a meal. JACK: I turned in the MTA application. My uncle knows someone
JACK: \\ ho? might help.
CLYDE: 1 he cannoli. His name is Federic. I call him the cannoli. CLYDE: WTio?
Someone Lucy knows. He's the assistant to the pastry cook at the JACK: Someone who knows someone. One of those guys.
Waldorf-Astoria. Desserts. But he can cook food, too. He can write CLYDE: One of those guys, well, you'll get at the top ofthe pile, at least.
out the recipe, then go over it with you, give you a lesson, so you can JACK: Yeah.
follow it. They arc totally bundled up.
JACK: He'll do it? CLYDE: Jack.
CLYDE: He'll do it for Lucy. He also knows wines. He knows every- JACK: Yeah.
thing about a meal you need to know. What do you think you want CLYDE: I want to tell you something I don't want to tell you but I gotta
to make? tell you. I think. Yeah. Fuck. I gotta. I don't want you to freak.
JACK:Cbicken? JACK: Freak?
CLYDE: OK. Be open though. CLYDE: Yeah. Don't freak.
JACK: Chicken, tish, or beef. Anyone of those. JACK: OK.
CLYDE: OK. Maybe not fish, no fish. I think. But be open because he Pause.
might suggest sometliing else, like a... I don't know, a casserole,. .just be CLYDE: About Lucy and the carmoli. They had a thing.
open. Elspecially to dessert, I'd think. How much do you want to sj>end? JACK: What?
JACK: About a hundred and something? CLYDE: A thing.
CLYDE: Plus wine. Wine might be thirt)' right there. It could be one-fifiy, JACK: A thing?
to do it right. So say, one-eightj'-something, counting practice meals. CLYDE: Yeah. With tbe cannoli. That's the deal.
JACK: I guess I should practice it. JACK: A thing with the chef?
CLYDE: Sure, what do you think? Don't let the cannoli get carried CLYDE: He's not a chef. He's an assistant. To the pastry cook. She had
away, I mean, don't say you'll buy a lot of cooking equipment, for a thing with him.
instance. You can work with what we have, a lot of stuff from when JACK: Oh, no. You mean...
AMERICANTHEATRE JUL/AUG07
CLYDE: Yeah.
JACK: You just found out?
CLYDE: No. Ir was when it was rhe swimming lessons. In that time
frame. They would hang out a lot, I knew that, but she rold me he was
gay. 1 thought, y'know, a guy into pastries. She told me it was a one-
time thing. Probably. Then we talked it out and got honest. I learned
it Kicking went on for two years.
JACK: Two years?
CLYDE: Oft and on. She said. Two years.
JACK: 1 don't know if I wanr this guy to show me anything. Maybe the
dinner thing can just, y'know...ahem...
CLYDE: Don't go there. I recommended him, didn't I? Thar should
tell you somerhing. I don't like him, but it's no one's fault. Like I
said, people tell me he's a good guy. It's over. They don't hang out, or
nothing, anymore.
JACK: So that was like five years ago?
CLYDE: Yeah.
JACK: Burshecameclean, so, like you said, ir's...hem, ahem...I mean
she wanted to tell you, to be honest, and come clean...
CLYDE: She was on the phone with Dr. Bob. They got rhis gossipy talk
going all the time, and rhis time she's telling him something about a
big cannoli, she was saying, a big, big cannoli, and I was listening. She
was going on, a 10-inch cannoli, I didn't know what ir was at first. Big
cannoli. Ten-inch cannoli.
JACK: Aw, man...talkingabout, y'know, aw...
CLYDE: She was recommending him to cook for something, some
funeral thing. She went off on this trip, y'know, about, y'know, a big
caimoli—big, big, rhe way she was saying it, y'know, certain things I
was thinking, anyway—
JACK: Aw...
CLYDE: Never. Never. Ever mention it to Lucy. Ever.
JACK: No, no, of course. It's weird you're telling me now.
CLYDE: V\Tiy is it weird?
JACK: Ir'sweirdrohear, Iguess. Ahem...hem. Allofasudden, foryou
to come out with it.
CLYDE: It isn't rational, OK?! There's no good time, but I needed to
rell you, so...
JACK: Yeah, OK.
CLYDE: I can even recommend him, the cannoli, y'know. Fedehc. It's
in the past. But every time at that dme of the year, I can act, y'know,
I don't know, irrational, fucked-up, that's why. I keep it hid, mostly,
y'know...I should've told you. You're my fucking friend. I shouid've,
butnowl'vetoldyou. That's rhe deal. I'm OKwith it, almost. I mean,
it's a thing, I'm human, but, you know...
JACK: I understand now about at the Jets that dme.
CLYDE: I know.
JACK: You turned against them.
CLYDE: I know.
JACK: I couldn't believe it. They were gonna make rhe playoffs.
CLYDE: I almost rold you thar day, I remember, but I didn'r, and I jusr
thought fuck the Jets.
JACK: I bail to get up and move. I had to walk away.
CLYDE: I didn'r know who to take it out on. You take it our on people you
loA't. Ir all happened before we were dght. Before I srarted with your uncle.
JACK: Oh—
CLYDE: Whar?
JACK: —yeah, a long time ago.
CLYDE: It was already over—for a year, or more, maybe—so she was
cool with it, saying, it's in the past. But for me, I had just found out, so
ir wasn't in no past for me. It's like rhe grief thing with Dr. Bob. You
don't get over iri Ever. You leam to live with it better. That's his thing.
His approach. If you're lucky! I don't even think about it, and then I
start feeling fucked-up, and it's that time of the year. I hide it, y'know,
JUL/AUG07 AMERICANTHEATBE
because the shit attitude can kill something as well as what caused it,
Anyway, I'm saynng this.. .You've never been hooked up with someone
long tenn. You take somefrickingshots. Keep it in mind with Connie,
it that's the way it goes.
JACK: I couldn't handle it.
CLYDE: If you want to, you can handle ir. As far as stars go, I don't
believe in them, but as far as they go, SO percent of couples, souieone
betrays the other—and more than once! I found that our, and that's
the rest. When it's more than once.
JACK: Wait.
CLYDE: What?
JACK: Ir happened again?
CLYDE: Nor again. Well, kind of again. There was this death guy.
JACK: Hem...ahem...
CLYDE: A dearh guy did seminars wirh Dr. Bob. He was a hotshot.
Lucy would tell me there was this brilliant death guy, she said was
a narcissisdc megalomaniac, but she said how he was great with the
seminars. Some kind of death genius. The wives of the funeral directors
used to all want to fuck him. This horshor grief-seminar charismatic
death-genius fricking asshole. He wenr ro California rn starr his own
grief thing. So nothing went all rhe way, she says. It's difficult, but
I've come to be able to almost live with the knowledge that I'll never
know rhe truth.
JACK: Man, I don't know, if I could live not knowing. I mean, once
you're the person—
CLYDE (Cutting in): You can live! But if Connie, or someone you're
with, ever starts saying how fricking vain some man is, how fucking
narcissisdc, and at the same time she says how charismadc, how brilliant,
how philosophical, how carnal, how the women follow him around,
and how they all want ro fuck him, you watch fucking out. Because
they're telling you something.
JACK: Lucy had a thing wirh him, too? A death guy?
CLYDE: She said it didn't go beyond the fantasy poinr wirh the death
guy. She only kissed him, she said. Once. In the elevator, helping move
a body, they kissed in there, that's all, she said. There was only so much
she got honest with because she attacked me when I wanted the details.
You've never been through anything resembling what I'm telling you?
JACK: >Jo.
CLYDE: If it becomes long term with Connie, and If something hap-
pens, and it may not, but if it does, and you decide to sdck it out
anyway, know that you will have bizarre and vivid images of her in
sex acts with someone else, know rhar rhey will recur periodically.
Probably forever.
JACK: Did Lucy tell you something about Connie 1 should know?
CLYDE: No. Nothing. You OK?
JACK: Yeah.
CLYDE: Well, thanks.
JACK: Yeah.
CLYDE: I needed to unload rhar, I guess, y'know? It's a burden. You're OK?
JACK: Yeah. Ahem...hem...
CLYDE: I wanted ro tell you a couple years ago, bur.. .anyway.. .so like
with the Jets, it wasn'r rhejers, it was me, you know, I love the Jets,
you know that. And I love you. You know I love you?
JACK: Yeah.
CLYDE: Anway. Tomorrow. One o'clock. The deep end.
They exit.
12.
Dr. Bob's. Connie closes a deal.
CONNIE (Intophone): —and rhe expiradon? This is great, Mr. Richter,
because—well, you know why. That's right. Dr. Bob will be happy to
hear that you're on board.
Lucy enters.
6S
 PLAYSCRIPT Bob Giaudini Jack Goes Boating

CONNIE: Richter Family is on board. CLYDE: T h a t was it?

LUCY: That's three. Call it a day. Lucy enters in a new, sexy, nighttime getup, smoking a joint. Clyde is
CONNIE: I'm on a roll. I might stay. captivated.
LUCY: Jack s picking me up. He's gonna want to give you a ride. LUCY: I told you I had a surprise.
Phui/e rings. Lucy gives Connie a knowing look. Exits to get coats, etc. CLYDE: Yeah.
CONNIE: Dr. Bob Grief Seminars. Hi. Yeah. OK. LUCY: Yeah?
Lucy returns with coats, etc. CLYDE: Yeah.
CONNIE (To Lucy): Did you tell him to call me? LUCY: She said he felt her breast.
LUCY: Clyde was gonna pick me up, but he caught a client, and he said CLYDE: Old Dr. Bob, huh?
Jack wmilil My guess is he saw an opportunity to give you a ride. LUCY: I told her it had to be innocent.
CONNIE: Really? CLYDE: You think so?
LUCY: He has a crush going. LUCY: Dr. Bob?
CONNIE: H e does? CLYDE: So, she made it up?
LUCY: Come on. He's gonna cook dinner for you. LUCY: N o , hut, I don't know. Who'll ever know?
CONNIE: He's on Atlantic already. She curls up on the couch seductively.
LUCY: I told him honk, and we'd come out. CLYDE: jMnimmm. A myster\'. So to get at the truth, to re-create the
They put on winter coats. Hats, sca7-ves, gloves. scene tn determine the possibilities.. .say, it's late.. .She stays to confinn a
CONNIE: Can I tell you something? Yesterday, I stayed to get the Eden deal. A snowstorm. Dr. Bob enters. "Hello, Connie—working late?"
Brothers confirmation...I don't know if I should tell you. LUCY: Ah, no, don't...no...it's too weird.
LUCY: Wiiat? CLYDE (Reaching in toward '^cm'd"): "Let me look at your confimiation card.
CONNIE: Dr. Bob reached to look at the confirm card I was holding, Vcrj' impressive. You're a closer now. Do you like it here at the mortuary?"
and he touched my breast. He cops a feel. She shifts her body.
LUCY: So? CLYDE: Come on. We want to discover the truth. Deduction. "Do you
CONNIE: I had the card in my hand and he reached to look and his like it here at the mortuary?"
h;inii was right on my breast. Like it stayed. LUCY: Lay off the merchandise.
LUCY: Dr. Bob? CLYDE: Ah-ha. What'd Dr. Bob do?
CONNIE: He smiled and said I was doing really good. It was right here. LUCY: I told her that's what to say next time.
LUCY: 1 Ioney, Dr. Bob's gay. CLYDE: Bur what actually happened?
CONNIE: He has two kids, though, so... LUCY: She doesn't even know.
LUCY: It happens someone marries, has kids, but they're not really into Clyde hums the melody from '^Babylon." Stops abruptly.
women. That's Dr. Bob- He's totally gay. He's totally out of the closet. LUCY: What?
CONNIE: You said women get crushes. CLYDE {Song's in his head): Aw...I can't get it out of my head.
LUCY: Even when they know he's gay, they do. I don't know why. LUCY: What?
CONNIE: You chink 1 imagined it? CLYDE: Nothing.
LUCY: You've been through a lot, and you're on guard ahout men. I LUCY: "On the rivers of Babylon"—
;ini, and nobody attacked me. CLYDE: Don't...
CONNIE: It felt like he hit on me. LUCY: "where we sat down...the wicked carried us away..." That
They are bundled up. was Dr. Bob I told to lay off my merchandise, not you. (Moving in on
LUCY: That kind of shit goes on in funeral homes. I mean, I'm not hijn) "Let the words ot my mouth and the meditation of my heart be
saying it doesn't. There used to be a grief counselor here that women acceptable in your sight, over 1."
were crazy alx)ut him. I mean women at grief seminars, director's wives,
a family member of the dead, a widow. A total narcissist pig actually, 14.
hut really charismatic. H e didn't pay me the time a day, then he started From of building. Jack and Connie covered in snow.
paying attention. It was like a spell. I'm not going into it, hut I know JACK: I'm not cold.
things can happen. I swear, with Dr. Boh it had to he innocent. CONNIE: Me neither. I usually freeze.
CONNIE: I didn't know how to deal with it. JACK: It's dark already.
LUCY: You say, "Lay off the merchandise." CONNIE: It seems like only two seconds we've been talking.
CONNIE: So maybe I imagined it? • : JACK: Yeah.
LUCY: You were attacked so... CONNIE: Now, we're snow people.
CONNIE: I didn't imagine the man on the subway. JACK: I like talking to you.
LUCY: T h e man heat you up, honey. N o way you imagined it. CONNIE: I should in\'iteyou up but my place is a total mess. I'm gonna
A horn honks. clean it, and invite you up next time.
LUCY: Sounds like our limo is here. JACK: Mine's worse.
They exit. CONNIE: I'm usually neat, well not neat, but not disgusting.
JACK: My uncle says it's not sloppy people that screw things up in
13. the world.
Clyde and Lucy's apartment. Clyde stnokes a Joint. CONNIE: Yeah...We couldn't find them to screw up if we wanted to.
CLYDE: She's just one of those. Once something happens. Things go JACK (Amusedhy he?-): Yeah...and we don't want to.
on inside the mind. I understand it. CONNIE (Amused by Imn): Yeah.
LUCY (Ojfstage): This is nice stuff. Where'd you get it? JACK: Well...
CLYDE: A music-type executive. How'd she say it happened? CONNIE: Yeah...guess it's time.
LUCY (Offstage): She was holding a confirmation card and Dr. Boh JACK: Well...Maybe a little good-night kiss.
reached in to look at it. CONNIE: Maybe.

AMERICANTHEATRE JUL/AUG07
 JACK: Yeah, the cannoli was cool.
LUCY: Uh-huh.
JACK: Yeah, ahem, he has a pretty good job, assistant, right, to tlic
pastr)' cook? Ahem.
Lucy lights a half smokedjoint.
LUCY: Mmnuu?
JACK (Takesjoint): Lubricate the imagination before creation.
LUCY: You got the nervous thing.
JACK: Mmmm.
LUCY: The thing you thought was throat cancer. "Ahem...hem..."
You're doing it.
JACK: I am?
LUCY: It's what you do when you're nervous, right?
JACK: I might not even know Fm nervous, then my throat thing starts.
Cooking, I guess. Maybe. Fm under a lot of pressure.
LUCY: Yeah?
JACK: ....•\hem...If I work for MTA, I don't know, it would be a new
tiling. That makes me nervous. The idea ot that. The thing with
Connie, that's a new thing, hoping that goes OK. Cooking. Ahem.
Learning to swim. Thinking about boating. Rowing. So many new
things, .^hem...em...hem...That could be part of it.
LUCY: What'd Clyde say about the cannoli?
JACK: Who?
LUCY: You called Federic "the cannoli."
JACK: Clyde said it was a nickname.
LUCY: Clyde doesn't like him.
JACK: He said he was 3 good guy, though. Ahem... em...hem...
LUCY: So what else did Clyde say?
JACK: Ahem...hem...hem...
LUCY: Jack?
Connie (Beth Cole) and Jack (Philip Seymour-Hoffman) take it slow. JACK: What?
LUCY: He told you about the thing with the cannoli, didn't he? It's
OK, you know. We worked through it.
JACK: Nothing overwhelming. JACK: Two years, though, that's what would get me. Y'know, thinking
CONNIE: OK. about the two years.
Tljey kiss. LUCY: I didn't see him that often.
JACK: That's what I couldn't handle. Thinking for two years I didn't
ACT TWO know what was going on, but maytw sensing something, that something
wasn't right, and not knowing, thinking it was me, and I was paranoid.
15. That's what I couldn't handle. Then finding out. Thinking every little
dyde and Lucy^s apartment. Buzzer. Lucy enters. thing that went wrong between us for two years was because you were
LUCY (On phone): I Ie just buzzed. Hang on. (Into intercom) Yo! thinking of seeing tbe cannoli. I couldn't handle it.
JACK (Offstage; over intawm): Yo! LUCY: jack. It wasfiveyears ago. Relax a little bit.
Si.'e buzzes him in. Unlocks door. JACK: Ijustfoundoutl'mjust talking about what's up with me about
LUCY (Into phone): You want to talk to him? Just the dessert. Pears done it, and I shouldn't.
a la some way. Hang on. LUCY: No, that's what friends are for. I'm glad he told you. It was what
Jack enters. A box of cooking utensils. it was. 1 got lost. We got through it. What?
JACK: Got some stuft here. JACK: Me mentioned a death guy?
LUCY (Proffers pho7ie): Clyde. LUCY: Who?
He puts down the load. JACK: Some guy you worked with...a death guy?
JACK (Into phone): Yeah. The caramel pears withfigsand brandy-walnut LUCY: He told you that, too?
saLic<j. OK, see you then. (Returnsphone) JACK: He said you told him you just kissed the death guy in the eleva-
LUCY (To Clyde): Bye. tor, but he didn't know for sure. That's what he said you've got to be
JACK: We're meeting at the pool after his class. Try out the kickboard. able to live with. Not knowing for sure.
LUCY: I didn't like it that much. Its good for you, though. LUCY: What else did he tel! you?
JACK: I'm gonna practice the dessert, if it's OK. Ahem. First time. JACK: Nothing.
LUCY: It went all right with Federic? LUCY: Yeah, well, there are things he has to deal with, too, on his side.
JACK: Pretty good. I've been practicing mentally. Like Clyde said JACK: Ahem. I shouldn't have talked about it.
abt)ut swimming. Visualize perfection. I'm gonna make the dessert, LUCY: I Ie didn't mention the Poughkeepsie woman he drove to Pough-
maybe twice, if it's OK. keepsie before the cannoli? He hooked up with a Poughkeepsie woman,
LUCY: No arguments here. Just once, he said, like that made it OK. I told him about tbe cannoli
JACK: I'll practice die chops au gratin another time. and he told me about Poughkeepsie, so then 1 told him about the death
LUCY: I'm glad Federic was helpful. ., guy, and then he shut up. I guess he didn't mention the Poughkeepsie

JUL/AUG07 AMERICANTHEATRC ftB

 PLAYSCRIPT Bob Glaudini Jack Goes Boatlnq

woman in the backseat while he was telling you all about me. JACK: We took a bath?
JACK: I'm sorry. CONNIE: No, I was in the bathtub imagining it was pitch-black night.
LUCY: For what? We were in a bed in a spaceship flying through super space.
JACK: I don't know. JACK: That's a long way oft. I mean, space travel...for tourists,
LUCY: You've never been in a relationship for any length of time. CONNIE: You can touch me again it you want. If you want to, like you
JACK: No. were. I'm not ready for total intimate contact, yet. I will be with you.
LUCY: A lot happens. though, I can tell, but not yet, and it's not because I don't think you're
JACK: That's what he said. sexy. You are. I couldn't imagine being with you out beyond the Milkj-
LUCY: A lot of good things. Way, if I didn't think you were sexy. I like how you touch me. How
JACK: Yeah. you barely touch my skin.
LUCY: A lot of things you wouldn't wish on your enemy. JACK: :\hem...em...hem.
JACK: Ahem...em.. .hem... Moves his band under the cover.
LUCY: It's probably good to know this from people you care about and CONNIE: 1 listened to your song over and over. I see why you like it.
who care about you. It's sad though.
JACK: Yeah. JACK: Yeah, but it's positive, though. Positive vibe.
LUCY: If it becomes something with Connie, I mean, when you stay CONNIE: "How can we be thinking of a song in a strange land" is so sad.
together with someone, things'll come up that you have to live with. JACK: "...sing King Alpha's song."
JACK: Ahem...em...Has she told you anjthing? CONNIE: "King Alpha's song"?
LUCY: Don't trip. JACK: "How can we sing King Alpha's song."
JACK: No, no way... CONNIE: I thought it was "thinking of a song."
LUCY: It's good for you to see yt)u can go through things and stick JACK: "Sing King Alpha's song."
it out. CONNIE: Oh.
JACK: Yeah. JACK: It takes a while to understand.
LUCY: Learn about shit you don't like and live with it. CONNIE: That feels good.
JACK: Yeah. OK. Well...I better...Tm gonna core the pears. Yeah, it's JACK: ,\hem...em...hem...
gdnna be good. Caramel pears with figs and brandy-walnut sauce. CONNIE: You can stop if you...
LUCY: Sounds good. JACK: I iike it.
Jack visualizes. Subtle ge.stures. CONNIE: When we go boating, I'll lay down with you in the grass. I
JACK: Squeeze lemon. Combine syrup and lemon juice. Perfect. Stir pictured it when we were in the snow looking tor a cab. I thought ot
till blended. summer and rowing in a boat. I thought of getting out, walking under
He repeats gestures. some trees, finding green grass with wild flowers, and you taking me
in a kind of animal den under branches—and being intimate with you
16. there. I know you haven't said you'd be patient and wait for me to get
Pool deck. Clyde holds a kickboard. Demonstrates. over my problems. Now that you know I have some.
CLYDE: You kick like this, the whole leg, not just the feet, not just from JACK: I'll wait.
die knees. Like this. Not like this. Not like this. Like this. Let's see you. CONNIE: It could be sooner, but I know summer for certain.
Right. Like this. Then, breathe, like this, breathe, head down, like this, JACK: OK.
kick, kick, kick, kick, breathe out, up, like this, keep kicking, breathe, CONNIE: I love your fingertips.
kick, kick, kick, down, and so forth. Hold it out like this in front, keep JACK: Thanks.
the end up a little like this, and breathe in, breathe out...kick...kick CONNIE: Jack?
for the side,., kick, kick, kick, kick...Good, good. Head, head, head. JACK: Yeah.
Breathe—kick, kick, kick—head down, head down, bubbles, bubbles, CONNIE: Can I ask something?
kick, kick, like this, like this, not like this, like this, good, good, good, JACK: Yeah.
champion, champion, master kickboard champion...Now back, back CONNIE: What do you want to see in a woman?
tbis way...good, good, kick, kick, kick, breathe out under, breathe in JACK: You mean, you...or...?
up, kick, kick, kick. Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles. CONNIE: Yeah, but, y'know, when you think of in a woman? What do
you want to see in her?
17. JACK: Someone who likes music...someone positive. Not a dark-
Connie's place. Connie on the bed. Cover pulled up part way. Jack sitsmood on person.
edge of bed. CONNIE: Those are all nice things. Not too hard.
CONNIE: You're a good kisser. JACK:Sorr>, I...
JACK: Thanks. Ahem...em...hem... CONNIE: No, I mean, you're being gentle. I mean it's not hard to be a
CONNIE: I'm sorry. positive person with you.
JACK: No... JACK: Someone who doesn't need to look around to other men.
CONNIE: I'm not ready, yet, for penis penetration. CONNIE: You mean have sex with other men?
JACK: Well...um...no... JACK: Yeah, to feel, y'know, when she feels lost or something, she has to.
CONNIE: I want to, but...Physically I'm OK with it. CONNIE: I won't do it ever.
JACK: No. it's OK. I'm not, y'know an expert, so... JACK: What do you want to see?
CONNIE: Tt isn't that. IVe even imagined it with you. CONNIE: A sense of humor. A sense he can tell me the truth. Has a job.
JACK: That's...yeah? Patient, like you. Sexy.
CONNIE: 1 hinking about it with you. JACK: I could he some of those.
JACK: Oh. CONNIE: You're all of them.
CONNIE: In the bathtub, I imagined I was with you. JACK; I'm sexy

AMEBICANTHEATRE JUL/AUC07
Luvv vJophite ivuLjiiiVeqa) imitates her husband's diehard swimming cua^,
CONNIE: You are.
JACK: A sense of humor there...
CON NIE: Can I ask you something that's probably stupid not to know,
but wbo's King Alpha?
JACK: King Alpha, he's like a messiah, I guess, to Rasta. A messiah to
Almightj' God Jah Rastafari.
CONNIE: Then are you a Rasta person?
JACK: No, not really. I don't believe in anything, I mean, I believe in
what's here, I guess.
18.
Sii'hf/ deck. Clyde demonsti-ates.
CLYDE: Thrust and continue. Thrust. The hip drives the thrust. A
stabbing thrust, a slicing, and follow through. Like this. Stab and
continue. Stab and continue. Thrust and follow through. "Iwist your
body, slippery, as you stab. Twist as you stab. A stabbing thrust. Slicing
in...like this, i\ot like this. Like this. This Is the line of the body. Arm
along head, arm along side, twist. Like this. No resistance. Eliminate
resistance. Slow, from the elbow, trail the fingers along the surface,
slow, barely touch, tease the water, thrust and continue, slow, slow,
slow, thrust, slicing in. Slow, slow, thrust. Don't think about bringing
it back. Thrust and continue. It'll happen. Yeah, yeah, breathe, slow,
thrust, breathe out, yeah, yeah, stab and continue.. .Along the body. ,\nn
along the body, twisting, twist, slow, stab.. .slippery.. .it s about being
slipper)'.. .and kick like this.. .on the twist like this.. .slow, trace lightly,
stab, twist, hke this...slippery, like this, and the kick, the kick...
19.
Clyde and Lucy Iv apartrnent. Jack waits as Lucy tries the chops au gratin.
LUCY: Oh, this is really good.
JACK: Really?
JUL/AUG07 AMERICANTHEATRE
for his latest disciple, Jack (Phiiip Seymour Hoffman).
LUCY: Oh, yeah.
JACK: It's not too overdone?
LUCY: No...
JACK: Or...
LUCY: No.
JACK: It's a simple dish but.. .to get it.. .it's OK? You'd tell me?
LUCY: So good...
JACK: It's not perfect yet but...a little more sauce?
He serves her ?nore sauce.
LUCY: You became a gourmet cook for her. You really like her.
JACK: Yeah. Pretty much. She's honest about herself. WTiat she thinks,
she talks about. About how she feels. About imagining things or not,
ah, what nien'll do. I wouldn't care if she does, y'know, imagine things,
all the things 1 can think up.
LUCY: Men do a lot of creepy things. Some guy on the street plays air
hockey with his tongue, and tells you how great he is.
JACK: Aw, man, that's...
LUCY: That shit happens. Mmmm. Good sauce.
JACK: She doesn't want to have sex, yet. She's still, well, messed-up,
I guess.
LUCY: It'll work out.
JACK: She thinks by summer.
LUCY: Clyde said the swimming's going really good.
JACK: Fm not in the deep end, but little by little.
LUCY: lie's a maniac, right? "Kick like this, not like this...like
this..."
JACK: Yeah. I'm learning though.
LUCY: She eats your chops, au gratin, the dessert, brandy sauce, some
fine wine, she's gonna be moved along the path to righteousness.
JACK: I'm going to clean up the kitchen.
LUCY: I'm looking forward to Saturday night.
«T
 PLAYSCRIPT Bob Glaudini Jack Goes Boating

JACK: It got here fast. My mind-goal is set for perfect. Ahem...em,

Praise Jah. I and I.
He takes the plate and exits. She eats.
LUCY: Jack? Is rhere a desserr?
JACK (Offstage): Coming up.

20.
Subway platform. Express roars hy. Connie howls as it passes.
CONNIE: .'\bhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoowooooooooo-
yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

21.
Car'horn blast. Traffic sounds. Clyde behind the luheel.
CLYDE: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck her. Fuck everyone in the world! Fuck! Fuck!
l-'uck! Thu whole fucking world!

22.
Jack's basement. Earphones on. Takes hits from bong. I 'isualizes.
JACK: Sift flower. Pinch of season salt. Crumbs. Pepper. Combine in
brown bag. Crush garlic. Dab chops. Add ro bag. Shake. Remove. Set
aside. Yeah. Perfect. Wash, chop parsley. Peel, grarc leek, ser aside.
Yeah. Preheat 350. Perfect. Squeeze lemon. Core pears. Combine
syrup, lemon juice. Stir dll hlended. Dip pears. Set aside. Yeah. Peel.
Perfect. Slice. Potaroes. Yeah. Perfect. Butter. Thin layer. Spread
.Add onions. Stir. Add pepper, milk, cheese. Layer poratoes. Cover
with sauce. Perfect. Breathe. I lead under. Breathe out. Open wine to
breathe. Kick like this. Not like this.

23.
Clyde and Lucy\' apartment. Clyde and Lucy. Clyde with a glass of wine.
Jack in the kitchen. Jack (Philip Seymour Hoffman) visualizes the perfect meai
LUCY: Don't get weird. with the aid of reggae.
CLYDE: You asked whar I was thinking.
LUCY: Don'r get drunk. CLYDE: Five minutes.
CLYDE: I know. Clyde puts on his coat.
LUCY: JiicSis happy. JACK: I'd better open another l)ottle of Vk-ine. Federic said to let ir hrearhe.
CLYDE: I know. Jack opens a bottle from the table.
LUCY: I le made the chops SL\ times. CLYDE: Thar's righr, fine wme should breathe. OK. 1 need some air.
CLYDE: 1 are rhem six times. I can't eat them again. I can't eat the Five minutes. Maybe we should invite him, invite the cannoli.
potato thing again. JACK: The cannoli?
LUCY: You have to. CLYDE: Jusr for dessert. It could help ro have him over and nor ler ir
CLYDE: I can'r eat the dessert thing again, either. be a big rhing.
LUCY: You hiivc ro. The chops, the potato thing, it's au gratin, by the JACK: Have the cannoli over?
way, anti the dessert, too. It means a lot to him. CLYDE: Just for dessert.
CLYDE: OK. JACK: I know but...
LUCY: Forger about Federic. CLYDE: Lucy?
CLYDE: You brougbt him up. LUCY: Hey, I'm not the one gonna be fucked by it.
LUCY: You recommended him. CLYDE: I'm not gonna be. Jack, you gonna be?
CLYDE:! know. JACK: He's not gonna be critical is he? I mean, he's a professional cook.
LUCY: .4111 said was Jack did a good job learning to cook. AU I said was CLYDE: You rold Lucy he was a good reacher, right? Demanding, a
Jack was a good student. little, a litrle megalomania—bur creative, thoughtful.
CLYDE: I don't have rrouble with it in reality. Irs in my head I have trouble. JACK: Then get more brandy. I have to make a couple more desserts,
LUCY: You're boring with this fucking thing. It's like playing one song if he does. Good brandy.
ro tiearh. CLYDE: I think I have his number from back when I made him a series
CLYDE: You think I want pictures in my head of you naked in the butter of calls. Here it is, the big cannoli.
]>;inrr\- of the Waldorf-Astoria? Ctydt: makes a fall.
LUCY: Don't blame me for the pictures in your distorted mind. LUCY: You do this when you drink. You make an ass of yourself.
CLYDE: You never told me the details, so I'm forced co imagine them. CLYDE: Whatever. Voice mail. (Leaving message, as he exits) Federic.
Jiuk enters. This is Clyde as in Lucy and Clyde. We were hoping mayhe you'd
JACK: She called from rhe stop, so...You hungry? come by tonight for dessert antl coffee. See how your student did on
CLYDE: Yeah. It's...I'm very eager. I'm gonna go tor a walk around the the brandy-walnut sauce-—the au gratin...
block to get my appetite going. I'll be right back. Clyde exits.
JACK: She's almost here. JACK: He's OK?

AMERICANTHEATftE JUL/AUG07
LUCY: Don't let it spoil the evening. LUCY: A special night for special people.
Buzzer. JACK: That's,..a hookah...that's something. Connie's having wine.
LUCY (Into intercom): Yo. You want a glass?
CONNIE (Offstage; over intercom): Yo. LUCY: Not yet.
Lucy buzzes her in. CONNIE: You look really pretty. Doesn't she Jack? Sexy.
LUCY: He won't come. JACK: Yeah, well...Time to take a check on things.
JACK: OK. Jack exits. Lucy takes hash from ajewehy box. She massages the hash and
Lucy npens door. loads the hookah.
LUCY: Clyde messes up and fucks someone, but that's OK because LUCY: I ime to prime this mystical instrument.
he's a guy. CONNIE: What exactly will we be smoking?
JACK: No, well... LUCY: Very purple hash. I used to get high with a bagpipe player from
LUCY: Yes. Scotland. He could really taku a puff...
JACK: 1 Ie said, y'know, he wished he hadn't. Lucy stokes the pipe, and takes big pull. Holds it in.
LUCY: "Wish I hadn't." We all got that T-shirt in the drawer. (Upon LUCY:.. .and then he'd let it out and say, (Lets it out) "Who.. .are.. .you?"
seeing Connie) Jack, someone beautiful's here. But with, y'know, a brogue?
Connie enters. Lucy pas.'^es a hose to Co?mie. Connie puffs on the hookah. Jack enters.
JACK: OK. Yeah. You look really good. JACK: The au gratin is turning the required amher hue. A critical
CONNIE: Thanks. juncture. Federic said, "Cooking is timing."
JACK: Wow, you dressed up. CONNIE (Exhales; attejnpts brogue, to Jack): "Wlio...are...you?"
CONNtE: I shouldn't have, right? Clyde enters with a bottle oj brandy.
LUCY: \ou're perfect. I was just ahout to go dress my best. CLYDE: Hey, hey, hey. My, my, my...foxy ladies. We're both luckj'
She exits. guys,Jack,luckyguys. Twofoxyladies. Did my foxy lady get a hookah,
CONNIE: Am I too early? Jack, for a special night? She did. (Displaying a bottle) And did I get
JACK: No, no. a little after-dinner hrandy—a fine cognac—,\n excellent cognac to
CONNtE: Smells really good. go with another little after-dinner surprise 1 have for us? Maybe later
JACK: Vou want some wine? to sprinkle a little of the surprise on the hashish. Who knows? (Gives
CONNIE: That'd be nice. bottle to Jack) A Napoleon cognac. Jack, that I have sampled to make
JACK: It's French. A French Bordeaux. sure it was worthy of a walnut sauce.
CONNIE: I saw Clyde. JACK: Thanks, well, I better..,
JACK: I Ie went for a walk. He's working up an appetite. He wants to Clyde puts his arm around Jack.
i)Ut-c:it everyone, I think. CLYDE: Hold on a minute. Jack, I want to say something upon this
CONNIE: He's OK, right? occasion of your dinner party. Jack's a true sweetheart. A true friend.
JACK: Yeah, he's... Someone is a lucky lady, a very foxy lady is a very luckv' lady. I want
CONNIE: He looked kinda down, hut, yeah, when he saw me he smiled to say, no matter who or what may try in lite to fuck things up, no
and said, "Hot to trot." matter what shit surrounds and threatens to engulf us, we will face it
JACK: Yeah...He went for a walk, ahem...hem... "hot to trot"? together, and we will not grow bitter.
CONNIE: You know, like a compliment, hut he looked, I don't know, a He takes hookah hose. Gives one to Jack.
little upset first, maybe. CLYDE: Let's smoke a toast with this beautiful hookah my fox)' lady
JACK: 1 le went to get his head straight, I think, y'know, get in a more got specially for this special night. Let's smoke to Jack, master chef.
]K)sitive vihe. To Jack.
CONNIE: Yeah, yeah, he gave me a hug, even. LUCY: To Jack.
JACK: Y'eah...see?...a regular hug, right? I mean, you're not CONNIE: Tojack.
saying... They all take big pulls.
CONNtE: No, nothing, yeah, regular. CLYDE: Ah, yes..,
JACK: I think he had a Httle wine, so— CONNIE: Wow...
CONNIE: V'know, he just said, "Nice cha-chas," and hugged me, and JACK: Yeah, Good.
s^iid he'd see me in a minute. LUCY (Brogue): "Who,..are...you?"
JACK: Oh. OK. He said, "Nice cha-chas"? CLYDE: Prime the appetite. Awake the jaded taste huds. Tojack.
CONNIE: He was trying to, like you said, probably trying to find a They puff up another hit. S?noke creeps in from kitchen during following.
gof)d vibe. JACK: This is so cool, Lucy, to get this, so perfect.
JACK: Yeah. He's OK. Wine, coming up. LUCY: Thank you. Jack,
Starts to pour, stops. JACK: 1 lash is spiritual.
JACK: L'm, ahem, he hugged you...I know, but...That's it? CONNIE (Sro^f;: "Who...Are...You?"
CONNIE: Yeah. It was just, y'know, "Hot to trot," and he hugged me, LUCY (Brogue): "Who...Are...You?"
y'know, and he said, "Mmmm, soft, nice chachas, sec ya later." He's CLYDE: "Who are we?" That's the question.
OK, though? CONNIE (Sniffs): What's that?
JACK: Yeah...soft...he doesn't drink usually, so a little, y'know—? JACK: What?
Lucy enters. Sexy dress. She holds a colorful four-person hookah, LUCY (Sniffs): Something's burning?
LUCY: See what I have? A brand-new hookah, ready to be broken in. CLYDE: Burning? (Attempts to sfnell it) I don't—no...
JACK: Yeah, wow. S?noke alarjH goes ojfin the kitchen.
CONNIE: I've never tried a hookah. JACK: No... (Rushes into kitihen)
LUCY: First time for everything, right. Jack? (Offstage) Oh. Oh... shit. Oh. Oh. No!
JACK: You just got it? Sound of a pan being tossed. Lucy goes into the kitchen.
JUL/AUG07 AMERtCANTHEATRE
 PLAYSCRIPT Bob Glaudini Jack Goes Boating

(Offitage):Clyde\ were being loved, and enjoying yourself. That's the important thing
Another crash fi'om kitchen. to remember.
CLYDE: I'm coming. Jack. JACK (Offstage): T h e meal was important.
He exits to kitchen. Lucy returns to front room, coughing, canying two CLYDE: I know. I mean, I don't know, but...
halves of the broken, charred and smoking casserole dish, stacked one on top JACK: You don't know. You don't know anything. G o fuck yourself!
of the other. CLYDE:Jack...don't belike this, man.
LUCY (To Connie): D.O.A. JACK: G O AWAY!
CONNIE: Oh, shit. Clyde ponders the situation. Connie knocks on bathroom door.
JACK (Offstage): Aw, look at this. Aw...fuck! CONNIE: Jack. Don't be upset. Jack?
Connie bolts for kitchen. She qtiickly backpedals. Jack enters from the JACK: I'm trying not to be!
kitchen. Angered. CLYDE: WTicre is the tiling?
JACK: Aw...hem... CONNIE: \A^at thing?
Jack sees smoldering ruin in Lucy's hands and exits into bathroom. Clyde hunts the song.
CONNIE: Jack! CLYDE: T h e Thing.
LUCY: Get the door! LUCY: Oh!
Connie opens door. Lucy exits the apartment to dump the dish. Connie looks CONNIE: Vcah.
in kitchen. LUCY and CONNIE: T h e Thing.
CLYDE (Offstage): Shut the fuck up! Lucy! CLYDE: JACK!
Connie mmiediately goes to bathroom. Knocks. Liuy returns and fans the door. JACK: I visualized the perfect dinner!
CONNIE: Are you all right? CLYDE: I know how you teel. Things are going good just like you
JACK: No. pictured it, and out of the blue—
Alarm stops. Clyde enters fanning air with towel. JACK: It was going to be perfect!
LUCY: Smells like ass in here. Lucy returns with portable player. Gives it to Clyde.
Alarm i'egms again. Clyde tosses towel to Lucy. He moves to tbe kitchen. CLYDE: I know. But "Positive vibes." W h o said that? Wlio said, "Posi-
CLYDE (Offstage): Where's that hammer? tive vibes"? We had positive vibes, enjoying ourselves, then a negative
LUCY: Under the sink! thing came along, and everything burned. But "Babylon," right? Like
CLYDE: Where? your song? They sing through the shit, right? You're fucked-up on the
LUCY (Exiting to kitchen): T h e sink! river! Fucked-up on the river but inside you still have hope!
Connie knocks on bathroom door. Lucy enters spraying air freshener. He plays tape.
CONNIE: Jack? CLYDE (Singing): "The rivers of Babylon..." (To Liuy, whispeting) That's
JACK [Offstage): Not now, OK? all I know. (To Jack) "We sat down there..."
CONNIE: I'd like to talk to you. JACK: "Where we sat down"!
Clyde snirishes the alarm, off, until it is silenced. LUCY: "...Where we sat down..."
JACK (Offstage): I just need a minute. Clyde gestures for song. Connie joins in.
CONNIE: Please. CONNIE: "But the wicked carried us away—"
JACK: I need a minute! CLYDE: Come on. Jack, fuck it, forget it.
CLYDE (Offstage): Shut up you fucking cocksucker! Jack slightly emerges.
Clyde enters from the kitchen. He displays the mangled alarm. CLYDE: All right.. .that's better.
CLYDE: Solved. Wliere is he? JACK: It was just...
CONNIE: T h e bathroom. He said he needs a minute. CLYDE: I know.
LUCY (To Clyde): Talk to him, Jack comes out of the bathroom.
CLYDE: He needs a minute. JACK: ...no one ever cooked for you.
LUCY: You know how he was when he wrecked a limo. This is 10 CONNIE: You did, though, it just...burned.
times worse. Clyde busies himself with coke.
CLYDE: N o razor blades in there, right? CLYDE: It's gonna happen, just not right now. You're gonna cook, row
Connie makes to bolt at the bathroom door. Clyde grabs her. in a boat, everything. It's all gonna happen. Right, Connie, everything?
CLYDE: I'm kidding. She loves you. We all love you and we will not give in to die dark forces.
CONNIE:Jack,Iloveyou! We will not give in to them. We move on. We lift our spirits.
CLYDE: Keep calm. Clyde crosses with coke for Jack. Jack does a line. Clyde offers it to Lucy.
CONNIE: .Are you OK?
CLYDE: It's Jack. OK? Jack. Not just anybody. 24.
LUCY (To Connie): Clyde'U talk to him. Clyde and Lucy^s apartment. Later that night. They are all coked up.
CLYDE: Jack? We can get by this. Everything's ruined, that's fucked-up, LUCY: I think there's meth in this.
but we can get by this. CLYDE: What? N o .
JACK (Offstage): It always happens. Jack enters from bathroom.
CLYDE: What? JACK: She's OK.
JACK (Offstage): When there's something good. CLYDE: What's she doing?
CLYDE: I can't hear you. Open the door. JACK: She's into the mirror.
JACK: (Offstage; the door opened a a-ack): It happens when there's some- CLYDE (Regardijig line of coke): Yours.
thing good I want. Jack does a line.
CLYDE: It fucked up, but it fucked up because we forgot... CLYDE (To no one): She's been in there a long time. (To Lucy, offering
JACK (Offstage): I forgot because you made a fucking toast! coke line) Lucy?
CLYDE: Because I love you. We all love you. You forgot because you JACK: She's looking in the mirror.

AMERICANTHEATRE JUL/AUG07
Lucy (Daphne Rubin-Vegdj, vi mlip Seymour Hoffman), Clyde {John Ortiz) and Connie (Beth Cole) learn how to share.

CLYDE: Yeah. JACK: Oh, yeah. I think so. I'm gonna check.
JACK: Looking into herself, she said. Buzzer. Instant paranoia.
LUCY (Doing the line): This is mine, too, right? I think there's meth LUCY: Who could it be?
in it, CLYDE: Doff'fmoye.
CLYDE: What? Connie enters.
JACK: She said— i CLYDE: Shhhh.
LUCY: I think there's— JACK: They'll go away.
CLYDE: It's just pure. High-grade. T h e guy said. CLYDE: We won't answer.
LUCY: Who? JACK: They'll go away.
CLYDE: T h e guy, y'know, outside-The-Tip-to-Tbe-place guy. CLYDE: Yeah.
LUCY: There's speed in it. CONNIE: Who is it?
JACK: I'm gonna check on her. She's OK, though. LUCY: Could be anyone.
Lucy does another line. CLYDE: We don't know.
CLYDE: We better not do more. CONNIE: Should we ask?
LUCY: I'm not. CLYDE: Don't ask.
CLYDE: Right. (Doing it) Me too, after this. It's gone now, anyway, Buzzer.
so...nil done. CLYDE: Oh.
JACK: She's OK. She's looking in the mirror. LUCY: What?
CLYDE (Beat): Who's looking? CLYDE: I forgot.
JACK: Who? It's done? LUCY: What?
CLYDE: Oh, yeah, Connie, you said that. Mirror on the wall. Yeah, CLYDE: The cannoli.
gone-gone. JACK: The cannoli?
JACK: What? LUCY: The cannnii?
CLYDE: She's coming out? CONNIE: Wlio?
JACK: She knows what to do, she said. Celt phone rings.
LUCY: Who knows? JACK: Yours, right?
JACK: Her mind's made up. . ' • Clyde removes phone from pocket.
LUCY: She's OK. CLYDE: Mine.
JACK (To tio one): I'm gonna hit the hookah. (To Lucy) Yeah. She'll come They stare at it. Phone stops.
out. (To no ove) Take the edge down. (To Clyde) What? CLYDE: Restricted.
CLYDE: Nothing. She coming out? JACK: He'll leave.

JUI./AUG07 AMERICANTHEATRE Tl
 PLAYSCRIPT Bob Giaudini Jacit Goes Boating

CLYDE (To no one): Yes. (To Jack) You think so? He exits after her.
LUCY: Why is the cannoli here? CLYDE (OJfytagc): I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm fucked-up. T'm sorry.
CLYDE: Dessert. Clyde pounds on bedroo?fi door offstage.
LUCY: I le came? JACK: .\hcm...hem...no, this is...
CLYDE: Maybe. CLYDE (Offstage): I love you. Lucy! Let me in, please. Please baby. Let
CONNIE: AVho is he? me in. Lucy! LUCY!!!!!!
CLYDE: Someone's coming up the stairs. Cojinie grabs the tape player, turns it on and hurries offstage with it.
I he anxiety intensifies. JACK: Ahem...hem...hem...ahem...hem...
CONNIE: What? CLYDE (Offstage); Fuck this fucking song!
CLYDE: He's in the building. The tape player is hurled back onstage and crashes against the wall. It con-
JACK: Someone let him in? tinues to play the "Babylon" loop, stops, skips, sloivs, etc. Pounding offstage.
CLYDE: Someone's coming down the hall. Connie hurriedly returns.
LUCY: Don't answer. CONNIE: We're going,
CLYDE: Someone's coming to the door. Put out the lights. CLYDE (Offstage): .^hhhhhhhh! Lucy, baby!
JACK: The lights? JACK: Ahem..,hem...hem...ahem...hem...
CLYDE: Put them out. CONNIE:Jack. Let's leave.
They put out the lights. Black. They tense, hiding in plain sight, though it's JACK: Ahem..,hem... h e m . . . a h e m . . . h e m . . . h e m . . . a h e m . . , h e m . . .
dark onstage. Doorbell rings. Knocking. Pause. hem.. .ahem.. .hem...
JACK: Oh. man... CONNIE:jack. Let's go.
Clyde tip-toes to the peephole. Returns. They still-whisper. Gets coats, takes charge. Pounding offstage.
CLYDE: They're gone. JACK: Ahem...hem...hem.,,ahem,,.hem...
JACK: They? Connie and Jack e.xit. Clyde -wails and pleads.
CLYDE: Him. CLYDE (Offstage): Lucy! Ohhhh, Lucy! Please! God! I'm fucked-up!
JACK: It was the cannoli? Totally fucked-up!
CLYDE: WTio else? LUCY (Offstage)'. G o the fuck away!
LUCY: Put on the fucking lights! CLYDE (Offstage): Fucked-up! Please, please, please,,.Open the door!
Lucy puts on light. Lucy!
LUCY: You wanted to totally fuck up a perfectly good dme with friends. Sound of bedroom door getting kicked in.
M;ike it all about you!? LUCY (Offstage): Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out!
CLYDE: I was going to be O K with it. Clyde enters the room. Dist}~aught. Sits.
LUCY: To totally embarrass me. You fucking invited the fucking cannoli! CLYDE: Fuck,,.fuck,,.fuck...
CLYDE: No, because, I've grown. I wanted to show I've grown. Lucy ente?'s. Clyde stands, on ve^-ge of emotional breakdown. Lucy observes
LUCY: You are so tiicked-up. CJod. OK. OK. Forget it. OK. OK? him.
CONNIE: Yeah, uh-huh. CLYDE (Unable to look at he7'): I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I wouldn't hurt
JACK: Yeah. Ahem...hem. Ahem...hem... you. I'm sorry.
Jack's nervous throat continues through the scene. , She picks up the tape player. Tries but can't succeed in uvning it off After
CLYDE: I'm sorry...you're right, I'm fucked-up. a ff/oment...
LUCY: This didn't happen. OK. just forget it. Forget you didn't fuck LUCY: It won't stop.
up the evening. CLYDE: Can I see?...Lucy?
JACK: Ahem. OK. Hem-hem. Clyde. He takes it. Fails to stop it. Puts it on the floor. Stomps on it. It stops. Sbe
CLYDE: I wanted to be normal with the cannoli. I'll never be normal. puts a hand on him. He turns to bury hiinselfin her.
I'm always going to know you'll meet someone that has everything CLYDE: I don't want to lose you.
you want. You'll go with him because he's powerful and brilliant and
charismatic. A megalomanic you can't resist. I drive a limo and go to 25.
night school. He'll be a genius at death or dessert or something else Connie's apartment. Jack and Connie, enter.
with class, someone so great he's a total shit to everyone, and they all JACK: Wow. Y'know,,.? I mean...That was...
love him. I'm only a stupid little ant opening car doors that has to be CONNIE: My nerves are rattling.
extra polite just to be liked by anyone! JACK: Maybe I should go,
JACK: .\hem...hem...hem...I likeyou. CONNIE: No!
CONNIE:Jacklikesyou. JACK: OK! •
CLYDE: I know lack likes me! , .; CONNIE: You could hold me.
CONNIE: He's your friend. JACK: OK.
CLYDE: I know he's my fucking friend!!! OK? I know! They are holding on tight in silence.
JACK: Don't, y'know, yell at her. CONNIE: My heart's pounding.
CLYDE: I'm sorry! I'm fucked-up and she looks fbr some other life in JACK: I know.
some other person. They hold one another in silence.
JACK: N o . Ahem...No...ahem...hem...hem...ahem...hem...bem... CONNIE: Oh, ah.
LUCY: That's what you think of me! Hook?! JACK: OK?
CLYDE: I can't help it! CONNIE: I don't want it ever to be like that,
LUCY: You're right. You're a fucking baby! You're not good enough! JACK:No. Uh-uh,,.
Let's quit pretending! CONNIE: That's why I'm standing here with you.
She exits to bedroom. JACK: This feels good now. Better.
CLYDE: Lucy! Don't. I know I'm fucked-up. CONNIE: Jack?

AMCRICANTHEATRE JUL/AUG07
JACK: Yeah? They lean toward each other to kiss. Boat trembles. They recover.
CONNIE: If you took me— JACK: Don't worry.
JACK: Huh? CONNIE: OK.
CONNIE: look me. JACK: I'm a good swimmer.
JACK:'Ibok you? CONNIE: I knew you would be. W h e n we talked about summer. You'd
CONNIE: Overpower me. . , be good at swimming.
JACK: Oh. JACK: I am tor you.
They leniain holding each other in silence. CONNIE: Good at boating.
CONNIE: That's your heart. JACK: I am for you.
JACK: Yeah. They kiss.
CONNIE: Racing. CONNIE: That you'd be good.
JACK: Yeah. JACK: I am for you.
They hold each other in silence, Jack rows them on.
CONNIE: T pictureti the first time by the lake, but maybe it should just
be now. I pictured grass by a lake, but it could just be now—if you
overpower me. THE END
JACK: Overpower you?
CONNIE: Force me, in a way—
JACK: Oh.
CONNIE: Make me.
JACK: Make you?
CONNIE: Mold me down, and take off my clothes, and don't hurt me,
but overcome me.
JACK: Yeah? - •
CONNIE: You think you can?
JACK: Yeah.
CONNIE: You can?
JACK: Yeah.
CONNIE: Will you?
JACK: Yeah.
CONNIE: OK.
She lets go a little.
JACK: 1 really like you.
CONNIE:! know. '
JACK: OK.
CONNIE: Don't hurt me. Overpower me.
He hacks her to the bed. She looks a little frightened. He releases her.
JACK: You all right?
CONNIE (Breathless): You're strong.
JACK: Swimming practice. -, . •
CONNIE: You're good at it, I'll bet.
JACK: Cletting there.
CONNIE: Come on...
JACK: Yeah.
He makes a move and she makes a slight move of resistance.
CONNIE: I want you to...take me.
She finites, breathlessly.
CONNtE: Come on...take me.
Hi- moves her down to the bed. She looks at him with a mixture oftvonder
iindfiar as he towe?s her dtrwn.

26.

CLYDE: That's it, pull the water to you..,let it go...pull the water and
let go. Let everything flow...Good, see, you're swimming. There is
no deep end. You're at the deep end but there is no deep end. That's
right. Good. Good. I'm coming in. I'm gonna do some laps. (Enters
water) Great. Great. (Swimming) Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

27.
Liikc. Jack rows Connie in a boat.
JACK: OK?
CONNIE: Ye;!b.

JUL/AUC07 AMERICANTHEATRE 73