#1 - Taking responsibility for ourselves.

“Responsibility has to do with the choices you make about how to think, feel and
act about reality.” — Roger K. Allen, PhD
If you read and absorb nothing else, just make it this. The most important thing
is: taking responsibility — for our mistakes, our emotions, our needs, and our
wants. And, perhaps most importantly, our feelings and responses to things.
. This is not the same as blaming ourselves — being a martyr is equally
emotionally immature. The solution is simply to ask ourselves, “what can do to
fix this?” or “what can I do differently?” It’s understanding the difference
between what we control (only ourselves) and what we don’t (other people.)

#2 - Recognize — and admit — when you’re wrong

“It’s far easier to get defensive and deny responsibility, or become overwhelmed
with shame for our act of imperfection or ignorance. Being able to acknowledge
when we’re in the wrong takes humility, self-compassion and courage.” —
 Megan Bruneau, Psychotherapist & Executive Coach

“(Mature people) Spend zero time blaming others for their problems. They take
accountability for their actions as a way to further learn and grow. Life and
life’s circumstances, at the end of the day, have to be dealt with from our own
will and volition, and admitting wrong is woven deeply into the fabric of
mature people because they view humility and admitting wrong as steps up the
mountain, not steps going backward .The mature person is able to understand
that life is what they make it. That every person’s destiny is within their choice.
Those with maturity live life making conscious decisions knowing that
whatever the result is, they are the one’s responsible.” — Sherrie Campbell,
Psychologist, Author, Speaker
#3 - Recognize — and admit — that you are biased
And illogical and messy and imperfect. Because all humans are.
“We all have innate biases and prejudices. It’s impossible not to: we’re
socialized into a stereotyping world. So what’s important is learning to
cultivate an active awareness of these biases and prejudices, and examine how
they might influence our decisions and actions. Ask yourself where you might
be practicing discrimination (subtly or unsubtly), and how you can begin to
counter these ingrained behaviors.” — Megan Bruneau, Psychotherapist &
Executive Coach

#4 - Recognize — and accept — your own feelings and needs

This is the opposite of the above. Some of us struggle by wallowing too much in
our emotions, but giving them too much authority in our lives. Others struggle by
denying our feelings altogether, which is impoverished in another way.

#5 - But recognize that your feelings don’t run the show

We are not victims of our own lives. People are not out to get you, or hurt you.
The universe has not conspired to bring you down, break your heart, or make
you sad. Life is only partly what happens to us, and mostly how we respond to it.
We choose our reaction — and viewpoint. The difference between “sad” or
emotionally impoverished people, and those who are emotionally strong, is not
that nothing bad ever happened to the second group, but rather that they chose
not to assume a passive role.

#6 - Set healthy boundaries

“Being mature means stating what is acceptable to you and what you will and
will not allow. Once you define that line, defend it. Don’t let anyone to cross it.
Boundaries are important because when they are set, our character also sets,
becoming more resistant to nonsense and drama. When someone charges
ahead and breaks through our boundaries, we are compromised. Don’t kid
yourself. We suffer emotionally and can sustain lifelong damage. Don’t assume
people will know your limit either. It’s your job to tell them.”

#7 - Pause between feeling and reacting

Think it through.
“Through practicing mindfulness, we can increase the amount of time between
feeling a particular emotion and reacting to it. We gain a sense of spaciousness
with regard to how we observe our emotions — rather than clinging to our
feelings immediately and reacting instinctively, we learn how to first observe,
and then react more carefully and productively.” — Megan Bruneau,
Psychotherapist & Executive Coach
“Between an event and your response is a moment, however fleeting, when you
decide whether to surrender control and react automatically, or to interrupt a
negative pattern and search out responses more in alignment with your long-
term self-interest.” — Roger K. Allen, PhD

#7 - Love — defined as compassion
“One does not fall in love; one grows into love, and love grows in him.” — Karl
Menninger
“Judgment is at the heart of hate. It is what fuels unhealthy relationships with
ourselves and others. If you’ve learned or are learning how to be more
compassionate, not just to others but also to yourself, you’re moving closer to
enlightenment.” — Megan Bruneau, Psychotherapist & Executive Coach

#8 - Composure, grit, and ability to endure setbacks

“Life is going to be full of problems. The acceptance of this allows mature people
to stay calm and think more clearly during life’s more difficult moments. The
whole process of meeting and solving problems is what gives life its deeper
meaning. Mature people have established the emotional intelligence necessary
to understand that life’s difficulties are the cutting edge of what distinguishes
one from being a success or a failure.” — Sherrie Campbell, Psychologist,
Author, Speaker
“Tolerate feelings of discomfort long enough to find solutions to their problems.
An immediate solution may represent gratification to many, but mature people
know that the best solutions come with delaying the need to get rid of the
problem quickly. The most lucrative solutions are found in the process of
thinking through the problem.” — Sherrie Campbell, Psychologist, Author,
Speaker
“Cope with whatever comes your way. Even when things get ugly… keep your
chin up and seek solutions to your problems… do not let events overwhelm you;
the strength you’ve gained from past challenges is always available to you… do
not dwell on your sorrows or seek pity from others; you have the bravery to
step up, tackle the hurdles in front of you, and get back to the path you wish to
take.” — A Conscious Rethink blog
“Change is not always easy… Sometimes the most important adjustment is in
our attitude.” — Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC

#9 - Positivity and Optimisim

“A positive attitude comes naturally to the mature person… [and] keeps mature
people in a state of harmony with themselves and others because from their
vantage point there is a way to make every situation a win-win experience.” —
 Sherrie Campbell, Psychologist, Author, Speaker
Incidentally, one of the smaller, more specific secrets to a lasting relationship
is: always assume the best of your partner.

#10 - Honesty and Integrity

“Mature people live with high integrity. They are committed to knowing,
hearing and working within the truth no matter how hurtful or stressful that
truth may be. Mature people are also willing and committed to telling the truth
even when it is humiliating and difficult for oneself or another. They have an
open mind to hear counsel and to respond to reproof.” — Sherrie Campbell,
Psychologist, Author, Speaker

#11 Self-control and Delayed Gratification

 “Mature people have found a way to ground themselves in self-control. They
know that those things worthy of their time will require their patience,
persistence and effort. Mature people are able to delay gratification. They
enhance their experiences of pleasure by first dealing with and experiencing
their pain and getting it over with. In other words, they place their
responsibilities before leisure as the only successful way to live.
The mature are willing to tolerate feelings of discomfort long enough to find
solutions to their problems. An immediate solution may represent gratification
to many, but mature people know that the best solutions come with delaying
the need to get rid of the problem quickly. The most lucrative solutions are
found in the process of thinking through the problem.” — Sherrie Campbell,
Psychologist, Author, Speaker

#12 Express Gratitude

“Mature people live with a natural feeling of thankfulness and appreciation for
the expansive range of people, events and circumstances in their lives. Because
maturity is based in responsibility, mature people live with higher levels of
happiness and lower levels of depression and stress. The emotionally mature
turn their happiness into sharing and generosity. They offer helpful services to
others as a way to spread their own wealth and joy in ways that circle back.
When their giving circles back, the emotionally mature experience even deeper
levels of pleasure, personal satisfaction and gratitude for what they have been
given in life to now gift back.”

#13 Listen in order to understand

Not simply to respond or share your own grievances when they stop talking.

#14 Don’t take it all so personally

Ego is a major cause of misery in the world. (That, and unrealistic expectations,
especially around our assumptions around change and control.)
“Detach yourself from the situation.” — Nadja El Fertasi

#15 Don’t make it personal

…when communicating with others.
Often done of defense, because we assume the former (that whatever they said or
did was a personal attack on us), we often retaliate in like kind. But this isn’t an
emotionally mature response — especially given that we’re often wrong. (Most of
the things we assume are personal actually aren’t.)
“Arguments or difficult conversations get worse when you make the other
person directly responsible.” — Nadja El Fertasi

In short
“Maturity is a choice for everyone. The more you value who you are and what
you have to offer, the more responsible you will be in taking care of yourself.”
“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are
your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the
president… You control your own destiny.” Albert Ellis