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Hugh Jass

A Modest Proposal

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel
in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors,
crowded with hungover drunks and physically abused wives seperated from
each others spouses. These poor women, instead of leading a happy life with
a normal amount of sex, are forced to employ all their time in in pleasing
their husbands needs all day: who as they receive more sexual pleasure
become more addicted to the action of so called 'love' and in the end cease
to love their spouse for a need of sex with a different female.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious amount of sexual activity
in the houses, apartments, bathrooms, and frequently vehicles, is in the
present deplorable state of the country a very great additional grievance;
and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, and easy method of making this
act of love a benefit to the family as a whole.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the wives
in a normal family; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole
number of family members who struggle with family tentions within their

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this
important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other
projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It
is true, a newly wed family should have true love last for some 3-4 years
while they attempt to produce children; and it is exactly at the fourth year
that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of having
unnecessary sex, they shall on the contrary contribute to the a more familial
and closely nit, long lasting family lifestyle.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent

those involuntary sexual acts, and that horrid practice of men cheating on
their spouses, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent
children's youth I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which
would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman acts.

The number of souls in this country being usually reckoned three hundred
and seventy million, of these I calculate there are nearly a quarter of which
have gone through at least one divorce. The question therefore is, how this
number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said, under
the present situation of 'affairs', is utterly impossible by all the methods
hitherto proposed. For we can neither force them to marry or force them to
stay together; we neither seek to talk things out or come up with sufficient
ways of making families 'affordable'.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not
be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing German of my acquaintance in Berlin,

that a slight shock and pressure system to the scrotum and tip of the penis
may, in fact, stimulate blood flow, while controlling a man's sexual desire at
the same time. This device shall be named The Spark of Marriage.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of all the marriages

already computed and occuring, whereof only one quarter thought to be
divorces; be placed with this device that shall bring about a change after the
3-4 years of happiness within the family; and my reason is, that these
marriages are seldom the fruits of a succesful family, a circumstance not
much regarded by our savages, therefore one device will be sufficient to
serve one whole family of however many members. A device of the such will
make daily sex less frequent as women control this device through the
remote; and when the partners wish to have sex, the beggining to end of sex
be for a reasonable amount of time, and the women, now being protected by
these shocks and pressure on the scrotum, now has full control of one of the
man's heads.

A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly
esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement
upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this country, having of
late partially destroyed their marriages, he conceived that the want of these
devices might be well supplied by the great companies of electricty and
hardware comapnies such as Radioshack, Home Depot, Apple, and many
others; so great a number of companies in every country being now ready to
sell these devices to those of want of good families and balanced sexual
lives. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a
patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the public
companies distributing the electric shock devices, my American acquaintance
assured me, from common knowledge, that the public and free distribution
may cause an excess of BDSM in the society and men may actually start to
enjoy the pain induced upon their scrotums and tips of the penis. Then as to
the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public,
because they soon would become single once again as men sought at more;
and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt
to increase such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little
bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the
strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.

But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put
into his head by the famous Fillmore Slim, a native of the Suhsecksee islands,
who came from thence to New York above twenty years ago, and in
conversation told my friend, that in his country when any married couple
have problems, the shrink would recommend bondage as a form of variety
for sex.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the
advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as
well as of the highest importance.

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the amount of
sexual abuse between spouses, with whom we are yearly reminded, being
the principal cause of divorce within the nation. This electro-shock device will
indeed be able to control a man through pain and the wife may stop him so
long as she retains control over the remote control.

Secondly, the issue on women's power will no longer need to be discussed

within the family. The wife shall now have control over the man's penis and
can force the man not to have sex with her.

Thirdly, Whereas the lack of sex would drive any sane man to insanity, this
device will keep the men from having sex wanting to have sex with their
wives as their sexual cravings itch to be satisfied. And the families once
brought to a low with the husband looking for other women to have sex with
as he tires of doing so with his wife, shall not occur and thus keeping families
closer together for a much longer time. Children shall be happier with both of
their parents living peacefully under the same household.

Fourthly, The constant breeders, who tend to lose their hardness and
succumb to a lack of blood flow to the penis will now have stimulation to the
head and scrotum. This will allow men to have a fully functional penis even as
they age as blood flows more often from the electro-shock delivered by the

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the overflow of

population can now be lessend as less sex corresponds to less condoms
breaking and less 'unfortunate mishaps' causing children. But this and many
others I omit, being studious of brevity.

I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this
proposal. This I freely own, and 'twas indeed one principal design in offering it
to the world. I desire the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for
this one individual Nation of America, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I
think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let no man talk to me of other
expedients: Of a couple talking out issues within the family instead of yelling
at each other: Of making one another look handsome or beautiful for their
spouses to keep the spark of love going: Of being faithful to one another and
not telling lies: Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and
gaming in our women: Of becoming friends with your lover not simply looking
at each other as sex toys: Of choosing the man or women that is right for you
that generally has the same beliefs or values: Of providing variety and
spontaneous vactions to keep a relationship lively: Of accepting imperfection
in human beings as a whole and accepting defeat when you are wrong.

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, 'till
he hath at least some glympse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty
and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal
interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other
motive than the public good of my country, by prolonging our marriages, by
prolonging the lifetime of a man's penis, by prolonging a man's sexual
desires through a lack of sex, and giving some power to the women. I have
no wife by which I can propose to get a single penny.