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Cassidy Siordian

Ms. Trotter

Snr English 2

10 January 2019

Only Helping Myself

Hearing that I am demanding, intrusive, and that I seek validation in helping

people is not exactly something that I enjoy. But that is probably because the same

source told me that I am also too critical of myself which is why I get hurt easily by

criticism. My disappointment is lessened by the fact that I apparently have a lot of

empathy, that I am friendly, open, and also expressive. After all, how accurate can a

test be that categorizes me by a number and explains my personality type, what I

struggle with, and what I excel at through some short questions. I am a two. I “excel at

making connections and empathizing with the needs and feelings of others [but my]

genuine need for connection takes the form of ‘you need me’ (The Narrative

Enneagram).” No matter how accurate, the test did give me some information that rang

a little too true. I enjoy being caring and expressive but my challenges are avoiding

outbursts of built up emotion, validating myself without the need for the validation of

those around me, and sharing the love I have for those close to me, with myself.

I usually spend my time focusing on the feelings of the people around me or

doing things that distract me from realizing whatever it is I am usually feeling. This can

lead me into a feeling of bottled-up emotion and unfortunately, I can have the

occasional outburst. It is usually some sort of attitude towards my mom or just a bad

mood that can be so disrupting, there is no point in talking to me for the day. Since I
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love getting so close with people I care about, “setting personal boundaries can be

challenging, and [I] sometimes relieve the pressure through [these] emotional outbursts

(The Narrative Enneagram).” I spend a lot of time thinking about how I am perceived

and what people think of me, this leaves me little time to actually think about anything

important, such as how I am feeling. Sometimes things just feel so jumbled up in my

head, I am not really sure how to think about about what I feel or if I can even put it into

words. But I am pretty sure that is just teenage hormones messing with my head. No

matter what I do feel, I need to work harder to get it out somehow without letting it


I think I am used to getting validation through people needing me. I feel happy

and fulfilled when people need my help or come to me with a problem. This is usually

how I prove to myself that I worthy and wanted. Just writing this now makes me realize

how self-reliant that makes me sound. I would call myself very much of an individual

and I take pride in always having a standard of values that I hold myself to, but

sometimes I feel like people have to need me to know I am here, like they have to need

me in order for me to feel fulfilled. This could be problematic because if I am ever in a

place where I feel not needed, I would not know how to validate myself. But in a way, I

think this is important, it is important for people to need us and for us to need people, it

is how we build connections and share empathy.

One of the many things I catch myself doing often is my habit of constantly telling

my parents that I love them. One of the reasons I may be doing this is because, “[I] tend

to discharge anxiety or uncontained emotional energy through talking (The Narrative

Enneagram).” Of course, expressing love is natural and healthy but saying it too often is
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probably a way of calming myself down and expressing emotion that I do not usually get

out. This love that I so often express is something that I need to share with myself.

Saying that I do not spend spend any time thinking about myself or my own life is just

silly because obviously I do, everybody does, but I do not spend a lot of time praising

myself. I can be entirely too critical of myself and that leaves little room for self-love. I do

love myself but obviously there are parts of myself that I want to improve, as

represented by the fact that I am naming my challenges.

Making these changes will not be the hardest thing I ever do. I am sure childbirth

has a much higher difficulty level and impact. It will be tough because making any

changes to your personality is hard, but taking it one day at a time, one manageable

problem at a time, slowly but surely, I will become more of the person that I want to be. I

am not sure when I will get there, I just know that I will. I will feel proud and give myself

all the praises I can but at least for now, I can say I am on my way.