4/3/2019 Do You Have An External Validation Mental Model?

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Elizabeth R Thornton
The Objective Leader

Do You Have An External Validation Mental

Model?
Objective Leaders understand their mental models. Do yours help or hurt you?
Posted Jun 13, 2015

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As a quick recap, mental models are our deep-rooted ideas and beliefs about the way the world works and how
things ought to be. The mind forms patterns or models that define our sense of reality, that lead us to expect
certain results, that give meaning to events and that predispose us to behave in certain ways. We think and act
through our mental models. These mental models can keep us trapped in old ways of thinking and acting that
often run contrary to our conscious objectives and cause us to get in our own way. To be an objective leader
requires that we identify and transform the limiting and unproductive mental models that are driving our
ineffective responses.

Since 2010, I have been conducting research to determine the role mental models play in management,
leadership and decision-making.  From this, it appears there are several common mental models: External
Validation, Competition, Perfectionists, Control which seem to all be rooted in an overall model of Insecurity or I
am Not Good Enough. In the next few blogs I will discuss each and provide the preliminary results of The
Objective Leader Assessment to help you, the Psychology Today reader, get a sense of your current level of
objectivity and the mental models through which you interpret and respond to your world.

External Validation:  I Need Others To Like Me And Think I Am Smart

If you are like many people, you care very much about

what other people think about you. In The Objective
Leader Assessment, survey, 55% percent of people
responded that their self-worth was often, more often or
always tied to what others think. What we tend to forget is
that everyone is instantly judging, categorizing, and
responding to everyone else based upon a myriad of
influences in their own mind. Often we are being judged
and responded to in ways that have nothing to do with us
at all. Picture this: I walk by a tall woman wearing a gray
dress. Instantly I feel that I don’t like her, and I try to avoid
Source: purchased from 123RF stock photos
her. Why? Because she reminds me of a teacher who
called on me in third grade to reciteThe Emancipation
Proclamation, and I froze. It was my most embarrassing moment, and that teacher’s image is now indelibly
imprinted on my mind. Every time I see a tall woman in a gray dress, my mind calls up that embarrassing
moment, and now I have an initial negative response to anyone that reminds me of the teacher. Our minds
respond instantaneously, in the present, based upon memories of things that happened in the past.

Ask yourself: Can you afford to spend time worrying about what someone else’s initial response to you may be,
when it could have absolutely nothing to do with you? Most importantly, can you afford to allow anyone else’s
perception of you to shape how you feel about yourself?

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Unfortunately, most of us can’t help it. In their book On Self and Social Organization, social psychologists C. H.
Cooley and Han-Joachim Schubert called this phenomenon the Looking-Glass-Self and summed it up as follows: INTL
“I am not what I think I am and I am not what you think I am; I am what I think that you think I am.” In many cases,
we choose to associate with people whose opinions we value and respect—some psychologists call this the “in-
group”—and we seek approval and validation from them. The opinions of this in-group become the basis for
how we value ourselves, for our self-acceptance. The problem, given what we now know, is that if you base your
self-concept on what you think others think of you, then you will always be vulnerable. Your self-concept has no
true foundation. If the other person is having a good day and responds to you in a friendly, affirming manner,
then you feel good. If not, you wonder what you did wrong. We are constantly trying to project an image of
ourselves based on what we think others want, but since we really don’t know what hey want, what we are
really doing is deciding what we think they want and then trying to project that image. It’s a losing game.

Take the case of Jonathan, a very astute white male in his early 30s who is a senior analyst in a financial
services firm. Jonathan shared that it was difficult for him to admit how much his happiness depended on other
people’s perceptions of him. What makes this common experience so insidious is that the same people from
whom we are seeking validation are also seeking validation from us. It is how virtually all of us were socialized.
Jonathan further describes his Validation mental model this way: “I am always looking for validation from others,
especially at work so that I know that I am doing things correctly and that I am on the right track. Without this
approval from others, I automatically assume that people disapprove and I begin to question my actions and
beliefs and become very insecure.”

As we saw earlier, the problem with this is that the assumptions we make about what others think of us are often
wrong. When we encounter unwanted or unexpected behavior in someone else, we think the person must be
mad at us, so we should go and find out what we did to offend them.

Tips to Transform the External Validation Mental Model

The good news is that the neuroplasticity of the brain affords us the opportunity to literally rewire our neural net
with new ways of thinking that will increase our overall success and happiness. The key to transforming
the External Validation Mental Model is the recognition and acceptance that we have all been socialized to
value ourselves through the eyes of other people and the understanding that we can learn to value ourselves.
Think back to when you were a child. You only knew that you were okay if someone said “your okay.” Once you
accept this natural tendency, then it is helpful to  spend some time in self-relfection and identify your unique
gifts and skills that you value in and for yourself.  No matter what anyone else says, you know, for example, that
you are loving, compassionate, hard working, and smart.  Once you can truly know and value yourself, then you
realize that no matter what anyone else says, whether they validate you are not, you validate yourself. Moreover,
you quickly recognize that whether someone validates you or not, it doesn’t change what you know to be true
about yourself; you are still, loving, compassionate, hard working and smart!

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Unfortunately, in many of my workshops, I have found that for some people, they have been so busy projecting
an image of what they think other’s want that they don’t really know what is amazing and unique about
themselves.  For them, I recommend a process of self-discovery to uncover their unique gifts and skills.

Remember the world is in your mind and what you think about yourself shapes every experience you have!

Excerpt from the Objective Leader: How to Leverage the Power of Seeing Things As They Are.

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8 COMMENTS

Mental Models
Submitted by shannon on September 21, 2015 - 6:58pm

This topic is at the front of my mind every day becous i am shaping myself into a new person all the time. I am currently
taking a class on personality and i am getting more and more excited about all the new info i can incorporate into my
new better me. very cool.

Hello Shannon!
Submitted by Elizabeth R. Thornton on September 25, 2015 - 9:54am

Hello Shannon!

It is so very cool! My class at Babson is based on this! May I send you a copy of my book? It walks you through a
process of transforming or tweaking unproductive or limiting mental models? Email me if you are interested in a
free copy of my book!

So happy for you! It is amazing that we can change our minds which changes our experience which allows us to
create new possibilities for our lives!

mental models-validation
Submitted by David Mendelsohn on January 28, 2019 - 2:43am

Dear Shannon, I do believe in your article about mental models. I would like clarification on the foundation of when
this aspect of behavior started to happen. The reason I ask is because I believe your article is specific to being a
leader and that it is not a part of your personality. However, for myself the validation comes out of my birth from a
narcissistic mother who never showed a genuine sense of pride, happiness, support, encouragement needed by all
children. In fact I started feeling this along with erratic, reckless and invalidation throughout the 8 years I have
known her and I am 55. She finds me ever 10-12 years to just give me a few nasty and ugly words to me and she
was 81. Now my case in point is she was not happy in her marriage and never compromised on her demhands of
my father. Pure hatred. I just wish it was as simple as your article makes it seem. However, it is not and family
members from New York came upon my dad's request because he could not deny the neglect of her
responsibilities to me as a mother should be. Her parents, her grandmother, my dad's parents even moved to
Florida and a cousin to help her out and observe. It is unfortunate, because as a 55 year old man I wish there was
an answer but have given up. I have a therapist who keeps saying I am an average man and don't see much of a
problem. But he knows it is the farthest thing from the truth. My attention seeking behaviors for validation started at
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4 years old and continues to this day. I just isolate and refuse to be rejected as has always been the case so bad I
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had ADHD, now ADD and got physically abused by my sister for over 10 years on a regular basis and sometimes
violently. I was humiliated by teachers, beaten up by 2 peers on a regular basis for 3 years, paddled by my school
principal, and constantly expelled from school. All this feeds into a theory I acquired around 3 years old that I was
living a bad dream and when I wake up everything will be better. To the theory that GOD makes mistakes and I am
one of them until he grants me into the gates of heaven. It just really upset how my personality trait can be turned
into an article easily resolved and labeled as such a behavior. I apologize for blowing up your article but obviously
research and other psychological issues are not even suggested and it reflects a broader more defining longer
article. It is only through education you can understand you ignorance and lack of research for a realistic article that
at least mentions other issues influen ching VALIDATION. Respectfully yours DJMENDY

External Validation
Submitted by Mike Hansen on October 16, 2016 - 2:36am

Such a great topic. This is my number 1 focus area in my life right now. I have made a lot of progress in improving other
areas of my life but this one has been nearly impossible. It is so hard-wired and I long to be free. I am determined to
move that locus of control to the inside. Thank you for this article.

My thoughts on this
Submitted by Remz on March 11, 2018 - 5:48pm

I am not sure what happened to me, but I know it happened during my master degree.
Basically I don't seek nor do I care about approval or validation any more and when people feed me with positive
comments regarding me I know that they wouldn't be doing so if they new the real me, and I just try to respond how
people expect me to respond since they will otherwise think I am rude if I tell them that I don't need their opinion on
me.
I am not very social either especially because I often get into heating discussions with people if a topic is being
discussed (I sadly sometimes trigger big emotions on some people without my intend). Only very few people can
accept and respect my views on things. I want to make this clear, I have no issues with people who are or thinks
different from me, actually I enjoy observing and experiencing people who stem from different cultures and the more
unique and different a culture is, the more I find it interesting and fascinating without addressing judgemental labels or
putting my self or "my own" culture above them.
Another issue in my life is the trouble getting a relationship with a girlfriend to last long, for me it's absolute necessary
to be open and honest and accept each other for who we are without negative feedback, as it is for most people right?
But I always end up with someone who will try to change the core of me, telling me my laughter is annoying or pointing
out certain words I say in my personal way of speech is annoying and I should try stop it. And once I start opening up
and sharing my point of view on life, I get judged and they withdraw. So every time I meet a new girl and I really like
her, it gets harder and harder every time, to be honest and open up.
I had a few girlfriends who would accept everything about me, but they were chameleons with no real faces, a type of
person you rather want to avoid, lied on a daily basis for the sport of it and would say anything to make sure you liked
them (my life would be a lot easier if I would do that by the way).
Anyway, this article addresses some of the reasons why people socialize, for example to validate each others feeling
of self and feeling of existence. But I try to avoid people for the exact same reasons. Even tho I am very introverted /
asocial, I have needs from other people such as love/affection, acceptance for who I am and physical touch but I don't
need people to tell me or validate me who I am, I guess it's basically because I don't trust their perception and opinions
anyway.

Who am I? What am I? Well it depends who you ask.

Without relationships we are nothing, our minds go crazy - With relationships my mind go crazy, cos I feel like I need to
pretend to fit in, and I refuse to pretend who I am, I refuse to wear mask.

EDIT on pre-comment
Submitted by Remz on March 11, 2018 - 6:02pm

I am not sure what happened to me.........I refuse to wear mask.

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I wrote a few contradictions, I'm just very tired while writing this.
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What I basically intended to say was that I have learned my self to be independent and not needing to be
something I am not just to gain validation and positive feel of self - that was what I was trying to say. This results in
me keeping mostly to my self.

validation mental model

Submitted by marc pour on May 5, 2018 - 12:55am

as I was reading your article, every word painted me in front of my eyes. I am 73 years old and felt alive . I just want to
thank you for your work.

What if I am objectively awful?

Submitted by Joey on August 28, 2018 - 11:16am

What if someone believes all these great things about themself but is wrong? We all know these people. So I can't get
out of hating myself because I don't want to be the person who delusionally believes they are a good person.

Are you saying everyone deserves self esteem? Hitler? A child molester? I mean, I'm not either of those by any stretch,
but you get my point. Some people aren't good. I can't think of 30 people who would show up to my funeral; I seem to
be unlikable. Who would care if you died seems a pretty good metric, so what's wrong with it that makes this article
true?

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About the Author
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Elizabeth R. Thornton is an author of  The Objective Leader: How to Leverage the Power of Seeing Things As
They Are, and Founder of the Global Initiative for Objective Leadership, Inc.
   

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