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I arrived in Livorno, Italy a day before I had to perform and lecture. Alberto, the
man who hired me, took me to a local restaurant specializing in dishes indigenous to
the region. He invited his wife, Angelina, to dine with us. She spoke no English at
all. I, being the typical American, can’t even say “fettuccine” without sounding like
I’m sneezing. This was going to be an interesting meal.
Alberto and Angelina ordered an appetizer for me, explaining that it was their
favorite and unique to Livorno. It certainly was. The waiter brought out this dish of
hardened bread slices (like bruscetta) with different pastes on top. Some were toma­
to based, but others were wildly colored and thickly textured. There was yellow,
green, orange, and pink. Hiding my disgust, I kindly declined, claiming I wasn’t hun­
gry anymore. Alberto insisted. “Try the pink one, it’s my favorite.”
“What’s it made out of?” I asked.
He looked puzzled. He then turned to Angelina and asked something in Italian. I
can only assume it was, “What’s makes the pink paste pink?” He looked back at
me, and said, “Uhh, how do you say, mayonnaise and ketchup?”
To answer Alberto’s question, you just say, “Mayonaise and ketchup.” After read­
ing them in the same sentence, you may also feel the urge to vomit. I know I did.
“Oh, that sounds good.” (Where are French fries when you need them?) Nothing
I could say would have untangled me from this predicament. I developed an alter­
nate plan. Covering my mouth and coughing, I took the pink-covered piece of bread
and stuck it in my mouth. I slowly chewed what I can safely categorize as the sec­
ond-most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten. (Stay far, far away from blowfish if you’re
ever in Japan.)
After a minute of chewing, I started coughing. This was on purpose, of course, as
I brought my napkin to my face to cover my mouth. I carefully stole the ball of food
from my mouth into the folds of my napkin. Because I coughed several times before
making the move (using feints), my removal of food was totally inconspicuous.
Angelina and Alberto were thrilled that I tried the dish.
As I reveled at my ingenuity, I casually looked across the table. To my horror,
Angelina was motioning for me to try the green-colored cracker. I repeated the drill,
coughing before, during, and after I put the bread in my mouth. Again, I stole away
the ball of food without any suspicion. I did this a couple more times, until it was
time to serve the rest of the meal, which was, pleasantly, far more tolerable than the
starter. I actually enjoyed the other dishes.
Afterwards; Alberto asked if I would show his wife a few tricks. I took out my
trusty deck of cards and did a few things. I performed a trick with the sugar packets
on the table and even bent the spoon she was using, apparently without touching it.
Although Angelina couldn’t understand me, I instructed her with hand gestures, and
she enjoyed the magic immensely. For a grand finale, I decided to vanish my pack of
cards. The method I use requires a cloth napkin.
I absently reached into my lap and grabbed my napkin. I handed it to her, motion-
Tricks rated on a scale of 1 -5 ; ing for her to tug on it, open it up to prove it was ordinary and unprepared. Angelina
5 being the most difficult. complied, and when she opened the napkin, four warm balls of food (which, I will
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ add, looked better after being chewed) fell onto her lap and clung to her dress.
1 5
How do you say “Oops!” in Italian?