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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Strengthen Your Inner Voice - Scot McKay .............................................................................3


Structure Your Social Life - Christian Hudson .......................................................................22
Refine And Approach Your Dating Skills - Carlos Xuma .......................................................45
Learn New Sexual Skills – Alex Allman ..................................................................................78
Deepen Your Understanding Of Women - Vin Dicarlo .......................................................114
Hone Your Body For Vitality - Jon Benson..........................................................................143

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Strengthen Your Inner Voice - Scot McKay

SCOT: I’m out here man - good to go!

ADAM: You’re in Texas - that’s how “out there” you are! Scot has got an
amazing story. We have a little bit in common; we had been
married, we had been on the success track. We suddenly were not
married and we rethought our lives.

And Scot is about the hardest-working person I know in the dating


and relationship advice industry. He and his now wife, his amazing
wonderful wife, are both up to their elbows in helping both men
and women, you know, find the love they want.

And one of the things I love about you Scot; unlike almost
everyone else out there, you use the phrase “Deserve what you
want” rather than “Get what you want.” And you have always
stood for that. And I think for men, particularly over thirty, as we
mature, as we come into our true power, we understand that you
don’t just grab, like a child, in the world. You deserve what you
want.

So I want to ask you, right off the bat, you advise personally - I
don’t know how many men but I know you are deeply involved
coaching a lot of guys - what do you see holding back guys, let’s say
of the thirty-year mark and the forty-year mark? What do you see
holding them back internally from deserving or getting the love
they want?

SCOT: Well I think every guy, regardless of their age, it seems like when
they are not succeeding with women they have this void in their life
that they want filled. I mean they are hungry and they want to get
that satisfied. And what that does, whatever the case is in our lives
that we are trying to get that we don’t have satisfied, is we push to
get it; you know, instead of deserving what we want and in doing
so representing to, say, the woman that we would like to have in
our lives what it is that SHE wants, we try to find the latest trick or
technique that is just going to kind of rope her into giving us what
we want.

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And that always kind of seems to backfire because you are dealing
with another human being. So I mean, that in and of itself, is a
standard. I mean, that is something that goes across the board.
Every guy seems to deal with that at least at one point in his life; at
least till he figures out differently.

I think as guys get older sometimes we have been in relationships,


like you and I have Adam, and we get rejected by women we were
really trying to please and it really weighs on our sense of self
esteem. And we find ourselves having to kind of unload the
baggage before we can have that clean slate again. There has been
too much water under the bridge. There has been too much stuff
that went down.

And sometimes we have to go and kind of find our “Mo-Jo” again


after maybe… if we even had it once when we were twenty-
two/twenty-three. But, you know, we get worn down by a long
marriage where things didn’t always go right and we kind of have
to build it again. It is almost like being in a horrible tragic car
accident and having to learn to walk all over again.

So, you know, it seems like as guys get older, especially after they
hit the big 4-0 - which you and I have both hit - and they find
themselves single again, you really have to go find that back.

But the good news, Adam, is most of it really is in our head!


Thank God we don’t have to go through any physical therapy for it
- although Viagra and whatever notwithstanding, right?

But usually it is in our own head and it is a very curable condition.

ADAM: What are some of the specific belief systems that you have seen
among men that are holding them back?

SCOT: Well, a lot of guys, say if they are fifty years’ old, they are saying to
themselves, “Well, you know I am just not attracted to women
who are fifty. They don’t look good. They don’t take care of
themselves for the most part. And the women who do look good
and who I am attracted to who are my age, they are probably just
going to want a younger guy anyway!”

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But then, even as they suppose women are going to get younger
guys, they automatically preclude themselves, in their own mind,
from having the ability to go after the younger women. It is the
darnedest thing I ever seen in my entire life - even though all of the
evidence shows, Adam, that usually younger women end up with
older guys - and not older women ending up with younger guys!
Yet I see that limiting belief happen all the time.

I don’t think every younger woman - say twenty-five/twenty-eight


years’ old is going to want a fifty-year-old guy; but, you know, not
all of them are NOT going to be willing to find this seasoned older
gentlemen who they just adore.

So really it all comes down to you leading, you believing in yourself


and you inspiring that woman to believe that you are the right guy
for her. And how you feel about yourself, you’re limiting beliefs,
really are going to translate. And I tell you, sometimes, even when
a woman says - like on her dating profile, for example, - “I am only
looking for guys twenty-eight to thirty-five”, if she is twenty-eight;
if you present yourself in a way that really captures her feminine
attention, you can be fifty-five/sixty and she will “break the rules”
for you. We have seen that time and time again. I think that is the
biggest one Adam.

ADAM: That’s really true. And I think a lot of guys don’t realize -
something I discovered, to my joy! - is that when you are a little bit
older, when you have a little more experience in your life, you have
got so much more to offer. There are a lot of young women -
maybe particularly in LA, but everywhere - who are really sick of
dating guys who don’t really have anything going on yet in their
lives; who are struggling themselves, who haven’t really defined
themselves, who haven’t gone to battle and come back scarred and
somewhat victorious - or at least wiser.

There is an attraction there that is very powerful - which is why I


call it “the Age of Mastery.”

SCOT: Yes. I mean look at all the women out there who are twenty-
two/twenty-three: back when you were twenty-two/twenty-three
and you wanted to date them, what were they saying? They were
saying “No, I’m going to go out with this guy who is thirty years’
old because, you know, all the boys my age are still little boys;
they’re still immature.”

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Yet, you know, we grow up to be thirty years’ old and we think that
women who are twenty-three don’t want us! You know, it is all in
our head. Women are human beings. They have their own free
will. They make their own decisions. They have their own tastes.

ADAM: Yes.

SCOT: Some of them will love and prefer to go out with you because of
the age you are. I couldn’t agree more. You know, you have hit an
age where you are more mature. And because you are more
mature, you make better decisions. And because you make better
decisions and because you have kind of reached a place in your life
hopefully where you have gotten some of your plans done - you
have knocked some of those notches off your bucket-list and lived
some of your dreams, and gotten some confidence as a direct result
- you become more of that kind of guy who is going to be able to
give a woman what she wants. She wants a masculine man who is
confident and who is able to make her feel safe and secure in his
presence.

If you are a young, immature guy who doesn’t even know how to
get out of his own way, how are you supposed to make her feel
safe? How are you supposed to acknowledge that her best
interests are at your heart? That you are going to take care of her -
when you can’t even stay out of jail or you can’t even keep from
wrecking your motorcycle?

You see, that is what women are feeling. That is what they are
going through. And women who are sharp enough to recognize
that that is what they are really yearning for are the ones who will
naturally gravitate to a guy who is older.

And even a woman who is twenty-eight - twenty-eight is the kind


of age I think where women… twenty-eight is like what thirty is to
a guy; you know, we always say that women mature two years
sooner than guys when we are little kids - I don’t think that ever
really changes! I think they are always two years ahead of us!

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At age twenty-eight it seems like women kind of hit that maturity
level where THEY know how to make good decisions, THEY
know how to stay out of trouble. And that is when they start really
appreciating those guys who are thirty-five/forty, made something
of themselves and already have something in the works.

So, I mean, I don’t think it is necessarily thirty-year-old guys and


twenty-two-year-old hotties; I think a guy at forty-five/fifty, you
know… Hey, look - you don’t want to babysit a “young’un”
anyway! So even if you CAN get a twenty-two / twenty-three-
year-old when you are forty-five, I think the Holy Grail is to get a
twenty-eight-year old who still gets carded - I mean, you will just
live Happily Ever After and the women will love you for it!

ADAM: That’s exactly right! So Scot, I want to ask you another question.
I call it “the Age of Mastery”; and I want to ask you, in your
coaching when you work with men, what are three qualities that
you recommend they bring out in order to really increase their
sense of attraction and confidence with women?

SCOT: I think first of all a guy has got to be confident. And like I told you
before - and I told everybody else listening - man, your confidence
can really take a hit if you have got some of that baggage in your
life.

So what I recommend is guys go find what they are good at and


focus on what they are good at; get some success under your belt.
You talk about getting online Adam; you know, guys think they
have to get online and wrangle the hottest, sexiest chick in their
entire area - just get online and start talking to women!

ADAM: Yes!

SCOT: Get on Twitter, for Heaven’s sakes! Get on Twitter, for Heaven’s
sakes and just start making conversations with people and watch
how you start ending up in conversations, almost by default, with
some pretty women out there who are suddenly wanting to get into
what you are talking about.

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Twitter is the best, best way to fine-tune your online dating skills
because it teaches you how to be concise and it teaches you how to
do witty things rapid-fire. It is just amazing.

So confidence is number one. There are many ways to hone that.


We have given you just a few.

The second is: learn what it is that women think is masculine. This
is very different than machismo. We like to impress each other, we
like to be braver than the other guy, you know; we like to out-drink
each other. That kind of pissing contest stuff is what guys do to
impress each other. We have great golf games… I mean, I don’t
know if you have ever noticed this but you can brag about your
golf game to a woman all you want and she is just not going to be
impressed.

ADAM: Right. No, not at all.

SCOT: What IS she impressed about? Well she’s impressed that you are a
guy who has got ambition; that you are a guy with a plan; that you
are a guy who knows how to make her feel safe and comfortable in
your presence. That is something that is always going to get a
woman’s attention.

You just don’t seem like you are skittish or afraid about anything -
and that frees her up to calm down and to express that feminine
joy. If you want a woman to approve of you that is the feeling you
have got to give her.

So, yes, be masculine in the way that women understand it.

ADAM: Nice.

SCOT: The third I think would be: be a man of character. Do what you
say you are going to do. You know, a lot of guys write me and they
go, “Man, you know, these younger women are flaky”. Well that’s
because they’re not flaky. We don’t like flakiness, right? I have
had guys who are younger say, “Well she flaked out on me so when
she agreed to the date. You know what I did? I called her and I
cancelled her an hour before we were supposed to go out!”
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Bad move! You have got to lead.

ADAM: Yes.

SCOT: And by being a man of character, you inherently do what you say
you are going to do - which is not flake-out; that is the opposite of
being flaky.

ADAM: Even in small things, by the way.

SCOT: Even small things.

ADAM: Like showing up on time is what I was thinking.

SCOT: And then, you know, you are also the same guy two months from
now at your core that you were when you first met her. I don’t
know about you but I have had women say, on first dates when
they were really feeling some attraction, “You know I keep waiting
for the real Scot McKay to jump out from behind a bush
somewhere, because this is too good to be true.” And of course
you just say, “Well, hopefully that won’t happen. I don’t plan on
that happening. It is pretty much Wizzy-Wig, you know - what you
see is what you get. This is who I am. But thanks for noticing.”

And then, you know, two months later you still have the same core
principles you were operating under the day you met her. There
are no routines. There are no techniques you are trying to reel her
in with. You are this guy who is confident in his own ability to
attract women with his masculinity, and your character dictates that
you will continue to be that guy. I think that is an excellent factor
right there, Adam.

ADAM: That is. I want to add a couple of things to that; real practical ways
of making these real. And the last one - if someone said to me, you
know, “I am waiting for the real guy to show up”, I would
immediately start a conversation about her expectations or what
her experiences were in the past, while laying in the fact that I am
not that guy and that, you know, to open up, to lead the
conversation - not just about me but to open HER up about what

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HER expectations are and what SHE wants out of life, and how
she drew those men in.

And of course I would add, “Wow, it’s really interesting; clearly you
have changed because you are not attracting those kinds of guys
any more. You attracted me. What have you done?” You know, it
is a nice…

SCOT: That’s such genius!

ADAM: I’ve got heaps of this stuff, I tell you! Well, because it’s true!

SCOT: Yes, it’s true.

ADAM: You know, if they have attracted guys who aren’t present… you
know, I have put a lot of work in, Scot. I came from zero. When I
got divorced, I have really… I have put a lot of workshop time in, I
have learned with some of the best teachers in the world, I have
travelled the world to meet teachers, to work with people like
David Deida; to work with Sharmans; to test myself in all kinds of
ways; and really immersed myself in this stuff. And I have dated,
you know, hundreds of women, learning all the time; really with a
great curiosity.

So I have put in my time. So I know at this point I can speak to a


woman in a way that, you know, 99% of men can’t because they
haven’t thought about these things. And they are not grounded in
it. I am grounded in this stuff pretty deeply at this point.

So, yes, so I can turn it around to them and say, “Well what have
you done, that now you are attracting somebody differently? What
kind of work have you done? And do you really want to bring that
kind of doubt into a relationship? You know, I am here looking at
you and I am absolutely accepting you for all the light and energy
and sincerity that YOU are. I am not going to bring doubts to you
- leave them right there.”

And she is going to look at you and go, “Holy shit!” And women
do; they look at you and go, “Wow!” You know, men don’t talk
like this; they haven’t done the reflection. So this is why I think it
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is so important for guys to - I will just give some resources - to
read “The Way of the Superior Man”; to get into David Deida’s
work, absolutely. Check out the “Mankind Project”: very
interesting stuff. They have amazing workshops.

You know, if you have to do Landmark - I don’t necessarily


recommend Landmark - but you could learn something about
yourself and learn about what limiting beliefs you have.

And I always talk about pushing your edges all the time, so you
don’t get stale. I think a lot of the problem guys have after thirty
or forty, they are in a job, they are in a rut and they stop growing;
and they are not interested in themselves, they are not inspired
about themselves. So why would a woman be interested in them
anyway? That is one of my foundational principles.

So, yes, that is my point about if the woman says “When is the real
you going to come out? When is the ‘Boom!’ going to drop?” you
know?

But going back to the second thing you said, which is one of my
favorite principles: learn what it is that women think is masculine -
not what guys think is masculine. Absolutely. A lot of guys
listening to this will have already gotten my “Deep Attraction
Online”; and the whole point of that book is to teach men how to
communicate in a language that women feel; not in a language that
men talk to men in. I’m sorry - I did that sentence in a preposition!
It happens!

But men will so often want to communicate to women in the same


way that they communicate to each other. Women don’t care
about your car, actually. And you’re right - women don’t care
about your golf game. They care about the depth of your heart and
they care about, you know, how can you stay steady and open and
vast and powerful, in the midst of whatever change, threats, chaos
may be happening around them? Those are the things that women
look for.

SCOT: Yes they want the guy who will wake up in the middle of the night
when something goes “bump!” and check it out.

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ADAM: Absolutely!

SCOT: They want the guy who will take the spider out of the bathroom.

ADAM: You know one of the hottest things I ever did? The hottest dating
trick ever? You ready for this?

SCOT: I’m ready. I was born ready.

ADAM: I was on the beach with a girl and somehow her keys fell out of her
pocket - so I won’t go into detail about what was happening on the
beach! And she started freaking out; it was a dark night. And I said
“Wait, I have a flashlight in my car.” And I pull out this gigantic
flashlight - it literally it shoots a mile of light, right? And I didn’t
do it as a metaphor - I just keep it in my car!

And I had a flashlight in my car! She melted! She couldn’t believe


it! For her it was a miracle of masculine care-taking, you know?

SCOT: Yes.

ADAM: So, you know, it isn’t about pickup lines. It’s about being prepared.
It is about being able to take care of life.

SCOT: You should have a Gerber multi-tool or equivalent in your


dashboard and you should have jumper cables underneath the
passenger seat!

ADAM: Always! Always.

SCOT: Preferably you have a four-wheel drive pickup truck - but, you
know, some guys just don’t…

ADAM: I did. But I’m not in Texas now - I have a convertible sports car -
but hey! I’m in California, you’re in Texas!

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SCOT: You know what Adam? It’s funny you should say that because I
picture you as the guy in the red convertible Porsche.

ADAM: Not red. Black. I don’t do red.

SCOT: Is it a Porsche?

ADAM: No, no, it’s an Audi.

SCOT: Oh you have a convertible Audi. I’m an Audi guy myself - let’s talk
about that offline.

ADAM: Actually I’m really a BMW guy - but I got a better deal! But, you
know, for me having a convertible isn’t about showing off; it is
about having the wind in my hair and just being open to the world.
I live up in the mountains above Malibu, so when I get into my car
and I head out in the morning I feel like Batman leaving his cave!
I’m happy!

SCOT: In a black convertible!

ADAM: No, but I’m happy by the time I get to where I’m going!

SCOT: Does it shoot fire out of the license plate?

ADAM: I’ll work on that! Don’t ask me about Robin, okay?

SCOT: My Audi did that - I don’t know what’s wrong with yours!

ADAM: No but I’m serious; you know, when I arrive where I am going, I
am physically happy. I’m buoyant. My body is happy. It is like I
just worked out.

SCOT: You’re ebullient!

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ADAM: Yes I am. So that is why I like my convertible. I’m happy to be in
California. It’s wintertime but I am driving around with my roof
down and I’m a happy guy. And the music is blaring and I’m
driving along the beach… You can’t not be happy!

So, part of my whole “Attract, Connect, Inspire” rubric is “Live


happy. Live inspired”, you know? Do the things that fill you up
and make you happy.

SCOT: Well, you know what? We’re having fun with this, obviously; but
we are talking about the essence of this, which is being this guy
who isn’t old and jaded. You still have some life to you. You are
mature - but, you know, like me, I still have this curiosity like I am
six years’ old.

ADAM: Yes.

SCOT: I’m one of those guys that whenever a jet flies over the house low,
I look to see what it is. I don’t know what the heck’s wrong with
me! You know, I don’t know what is wrong with people who can
drive along in their black Audi convertibles like you Adam and not
notice when there is a beautiful sunset. How could you not notice
that?

You know, become this guy and you will just be this guy who
inspires women. And, you know, you are talking about “arriving
places happy”. You are talking about doing what it takes to be that
guy who will give that woman really what it is we like to see in
them that is attractive. We love it when women are glowing at us,
and giggling and happy, and acting like little girls. Girlishness is
always hot and sexy to us, no matter how old the woman is.

You know, just thinking about the convertible, there is something


about a woman in a jeep with the roof off; I don’t know why we
love women in jeeps but, you know, she has got a sundress on or
she has kind of got, you know, one of those Patagonia shirts on
and she has, you know, got her hair up in a ponytail and she is
driving her jeep around. And we just… we are so sexually charged
by that. Because that is a woman who is ready for us to provide an
adventure with her; and she has got the wind blowing in her hair,
and she is blatantly impractical. She is just enjoying life - or she
wouldn’t be driving a jeep. You know?
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ADAM: Yes.

SCOT: She’s willing to get her hands dirty; she’s willing to go off-road -
literally. We love that! So why aren’t we the people who are trying
to make more of that in women’s lives, knowing women want to
follow our lead?

ADAM: Right. And I want to point out, you used the word… you know, a
lot of guys, a lot of dating coaches, a lot of marriage counselors,
they all talk about “masculine confidence - have confidence.
Sometimes you don’t really feel that confident.

SCOT: That’s right.

ADAM: And so like I find ways to fake confidence. But you added a word
here that I haven’t heard anyone else use, that really is the core of
everything my whole life and what I try to teach - which is you said
“Keep your curiosity”; you know, dig into your curiosity.

I love that you brought that up. It is that kind of curiosity that
keeps you alive and awake, and challenging yourself. And your
curiosity is magnetic. You know, a man who is passionate about
something is interesting to a woman. It draws their attention.

If you get passionate about wine, for example, and you can start
talking about wine with the passion that you actually have for it,
women will get caught up into that. If you are curious about…I
am trying to think… there are so many things a woman won’t be
interested in your curiosity - you know, if you are interested in like
space and planets: not that interesting! Kind of dead! But if you
are curious about food, curious about cooking; curious about
anything of this sensual earth, you know, it is fascinating for
women. And it is inspiring to them, because your curiosity is open.

I think one thing a lot of guys lose as they hit thirty and forty,
because they feel they don’t have time for it, is they stop
challenging themselves and opening up new interests.

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SCOT: That’s right.

ADAM: And by the way, a great resource, great resource: Facebook


groups! Facebook groups in your area. You can put into
Facebook, if you live in Houston and you love wine - put in
“Houston wine club” into Facebook and guess what? This Friday
night you are going to meet twenty women who are interested in
wine and live in your area! It is that easy! Put your passion into
Facebook and then find a local group and get involved. It is so
easy it’s ridiculous!

SCOT: What did John Cougar Mellencamp say twenty-five years ago?
“Oh yeah! Life goes on! Long after the thrill of living is gone!”
Right?

ADAM: Oh wow!

SCOT: That’s right. That’s the way most adults live their lives: the thrill
of living is gone but they are still walking around like zombies.

ADAM: Right. A lot of people ask me, and I’m sure you would say the
same thing, “Are you afraid of dying?” and I say, “No, I’m afraid
of not living.” That is the thing that really bothers me; missing out
on these years.

So let me ask you another question: in the guys that you have
worked with, over thirty / over forty, what else do you see they
have to let go of; the stuff that they think is appealing in their
twenties? Do you find that guys are reaching back for stuff in their
twenties? That it is hindering them; makes them look less than
they are; holding them back?

SCOT: You kind of went a different direction with that question, so if you
don’t mind I am going to go ahead and answer the first part of it.

ADAM: Chew it up baby!

SCOT: Because I thought of something that immediately popped into my


mind. They have to drop… they have to let go of their impression
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of women; especially if they have been divorced by a woman who
cheated on them or took them for everything or just wasn’t very
nice after a while, who turned out to be, you know, not mentally
healthy, like was the case in my… I mean, it is amazing how you
attract exactly who you think you are going to attract - man or
woman.

Unfortunately, both Emily and I have ex-spouses who are


chronically schizophrenic; they are on the same medication.

ADAM: Interesting.

SCOT: And I mean I went through so much that I didn’t feel like I
deserved - and I didn’t deserve! I mean, I was being subjected to
somebody else’s altered reality, as if I was part of it. And you
know, you fear that that is going to be the way that every woman
is; and you expect that that is going to be the way every woman is,
because that is the way you have been conditioned for the past
seven years.

And then what happens is, you know, you start meeting women
who are nuts! Or you bring out the “inner nut” in every woman
you meet.

ADAM: That’s the thing. Right.

SCOT: And then the day - literally the day - I looked in the mirror and I
said, “Look my sister isn’t crazy. My mom isn’t crazy. My boss’s
wife isn’t crazy. My female friends aren’t crazy...”

ADAM: Right. Got it.

SCOT: “I know lots of non-crazy women. It doesn’t have to be that I am


dating crazy women. I am capable of attracting and meeting
women who are perfectly emotionally sound.”

And, you know, I will belabor you how many women in a row I
went in (no pun intended!) I went out with who weren’t on
Vitamin P! But the irony of how it ended - no, it’s not ironic at all,
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it is by design, this - Emily is the most mentally, emotionally stable
human being I have ever met - not just woman. She doesn’t even
PMS! She is level-headed.

Why? Because I believed it could happen!

ADAM: Nice.

SCOT: Exactly.

ADAM: Let’s get rid of the beliefs that you are going to keep creating what
you have created in the past.

SCOT: Yes.

ADAM: That’s a great one. And what are the particular… is there anything
particular - because I know you have worked with a lot of guys so I
really want to dig into your experience - what have you seen guys
trying to do… I will give you a great example: when I got divorced
I was thirty-nine. I had no idea how to meet women. I was the
most devoted husband/father in the world. So I was in a kind of a
state of shock.

So what did I do? I went out to Sunset and I went to a club. And I
stood there like an idiot! Like, “What am I doing here?” You
know? I couldn’t communicate with anybody; you know, I am not
6’5”; I don’t have the right clothes, I just, you know - I didn’t know
anything! I was really like a babe in the woods.

And then of course I went home; someone told me about online


dating - and my world changed because I could communicate to
women my heart, my spine, my humor, my passion - all those
things that I teach on “Deep Attraction Online”.

So that was a typical mistake of a guy in his thirties or forties; trying


to do something that maybe guys in their twenties do. What other
things have you see that guys try that kind of look a little silly or,
you know, like I said, diminishing of their true mastery?

18
SCOT: Well you know, you hit the nail on the head: they will Google
“How to get better with women” or “How to get a date on line”
and they will all try to be pickup artists even though they are fifty
years old and they don’t want to wear a fuzzy hat! And they will be
learning how to go to a club and meet a twenty-year-old who just
snorted coke or something!

And that is not what they even wanted! They just wanted a great
woman to go share that bottle of wine with, you know? And that
is not what they are learning from the first website they find. So I
think that is a mistake a lot of guys make; is they get drawn into
really sexually-charged marketing on what they might be able to
expect from taking certain courses on meeting women. And they
end up going not where it is they want to go - which is what you
and I teach, Adam, which is how to get a high-quality woman in
your life. So I think guys do make that mistake.

And, you know, if guys WANT to be a pickup artist, well then they
shouldn’t be talking to you or me. They should be talking to
someone who can teach them that.

So the first thing that guys do, you know, the mistake part of it is
going after something that isn’t what they even want to be taught.
But the right thing to do is to make sure you sort through
everything that is available to you in terms of all of the wealth of
information out there, and go after what it is you really want.
Don’t be drawn by something else out of the corner of your eye.

The second thing I think Adam that guys do is they assume that -
especially if they have been in a relationship for a long time and
haven’t dated in a while - they assume that everything changed.
The internet came along, you know, the 2000’s came along; texting
came along - and all of a sudden everything is different; they have
been left behind; nothing that they knew in their twenties is going
to work any more; women are completely different.

Well, can I get the manual buzzer? (BEEP!) Women are still
women! You know, they are climbing the corporate ladder; they
are being told they need to be more masculine; they may have been
brainwashed into thinking that men should soften up - but you
know what? In their hearts they are not going to believe any of
that! They want a man!

19
And when the man shows up they will become this brilliantly
joyful, attractive woman and they will rise to that occasion and they
will be glad you showed up. If anything else, your Old School
manhood will work better nowadays because you have less
competition.

So all you have to do - yes, maybe you need to go figure out what
the new tools in the toolbox are: online dating, you know; cell
phones, text messaging - whatever. But at the core, who you are -
your masculine, confident self, man of character who can make a
woman feel comfortable in your presence - he is still going to get
the highest quality women.

So I think instead of worrying about how things are sort of


different, focus on how everything is pretty much the same, in
terms of how attraction works. Be comfortable and confident in
that. And then, you know, then go about learning how online
dating works, through Adam and I.

ADAM: Right.

SCOT: I have to go Adam.

ADAM: Scot, it’s been a pleasure, as always. I am going to let you go. We
are going to work out… I am going to have you - because you give
great information, you have worked with a lot of guys - we are
going to work out some special… I am going to hem you down on
price on some of your products that are most suitable for guys in
their thirties and forties.

We will get that out there. Thank you so much. Enjoy your
evening - I know you have a beautiful wife waiting for you. And
thanks for all the hard work you put. You are kind of a - I never
told you this - you are kind of an inspiration to me: how devoted
you are to helping guys. Seriously.

SCOT: Thanks Adam. I appreciate that. And yes, you know, I wake up
every morning just happy to be doing what I’m doing. It’s what
inspires me.

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ADAM: I love it. Fantastic. Thank you so much man.

SCOT: Alright.

ADAM: Talk to you soon.

***

21
Structure Your Social Life - Christian Hudson

ADAM: Welcome to this training session of Dating After Thirty-Five,


Dating After Forty. This is Adam Gilad and today I am talking to
a really interesting guy. His name is Christian Hudson from Social
Man and in 2006 he was running, literally, the biggest pick up artist
boot camp in the world. He was great at it and he was very
successful. I think he kind of burned out on it a bit and broke off
to start his own company which still teaches sort of the best of
conversation skills, interaction skills, how to approach somebody
how to get someone into a conversation how to have the body
language to create intrigue and magnetism. But he also went much
deeper and he also took his focus off the clubs and bars and really
is helping men now of all ages with their social skills so they can
meet the girls they really want. So, Christian, welcome.

CHRISTIAN: Thank you. That’s a great introduction, thank you very much
Adam. I really appreciate that and it’s so funny to hear the story
told by somebody else. It’s amazing to think that I’ve been doing
this stuff for so long. Who’d have ever thought that they would
grow up and do this sort of stuff? Man, I‘ve come to love it and I
really appreciate you having me here, too, and I’m looking forward
to sharing some thoughts on this stuff.

ADAM: Yeah, thank you. It never dawned on me, growing up, that I would
be so involved in these subjects of love, relationships, sex, but
these are the things that people really care about and, in essence, if
you can find joy in your personal life than you can also create some
good in the world. If you don’t have joy in your life, it’s very hard
to do anything.

CHRISTIAN: Absolutely. I completely agree and I think we’re going to get into a
little bit of that today. You know, one thing that you did mention
that I thought was kind of interesting with respect to my
background, my biography, so to speak, is the whole notion of
getting out of the whole pick up scene. And I think that it’s so
interesting to me because I never really intended to be in the pick
up scene, I just kind of accidentally fell into it. The unfortunate
thing is when people confuse wanting to get better with women
and wanting to make genuine improvements in their life with
having to be somebody who they are not. And you can have both
22
of those. You can be somebody who you are but you can still be
genuinely good with women without having to sort of run them
around a club. And, I’ve got to tell you; I live in New York City
and every now and then I still really like going to clubs and chatting
with really hot 21 year olds. I’m thirty now, as we sit down to
record this. But, for every time that I like that, I’m in a relationship
now. I think it’s just important to find some balance in your life.
My point is that I don’t want to get down on anybody who is 35 or
older and wants to be a pick up artist or who wants to go out there
and experience those things but I think that you can do it without
having to compromise your identity and you can do it in a little bit
more mature way. It turns out that a lot of our clients, some of our
best clients in fact, are over the age of 35. In fact, I’m running a
pod cast with a former client right now and we’ve got a few other
clients who are very close to us and who have become good
friends. Again, these guys are all over 35 and I think that when
you have some years and when you have some wisdom and some
maturity on you, you can approach this stuff and maybe get your
ego out of it a little bit and really look at it just as skills training and
with an open mind. And we find that a lot of the guys that we
work who are a little bit older are oftentimes our best clients and
they are often the ones that make the quickest strides and the
quickest gains. So, I think it’s awesome that you’re reaching out to
these guys and, again, I couldn’t be happier to be a part of this
program.

ADAM: Well it’s cool, you know, it’s funny, the whole pick up artist thing.
It’s such a broad world and it gets a weird name. Some of it’s really
weird but a lot of it really is how to create intrigue, how to create
conversation, how not to be boring…

CHRISTIAN: Exactly

ADAM: …how to read women’s emotions and how not to, ultimately, be
just another doormat in the face of a pretty woman, which so many
men become. How to be playful and confident and I think the real
difference is what our intention is. What’s really childish, I think,
in that whole community is the emphasis on quick results. You
know, can I get laid tonight? Can I get ten phone numbers? I
always thought that was a little comic just because it’s so masculine,
in this way: it’s like, oh, look, here’s proof that I did something,
rather than just going out, having great conversation, getting to
know somebody, you know, and just furthering something along
the road without having to show each other how many phone
numbers you got, as if that really proves anything at all.
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CHRISTIAN: Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Well, you know it’s funny, you talk
about age differences and obviously that kind of comes into focus
given the nature of this program. I was speaking last summer at
program; it was like the 21 Convention. It started off as the Under
21 Convention. It was kind of a pick up gathering for guys who
were under 21. The group of guys in that room was way different
than a group of guys who might be over 35. The funny thing was,
I just remember one guy really clearly, he was like a drill sergeant
trying to get guys to open sets and everybody the next day was
talking about how many numbers they got and you see, once you
get some years on you, that it stops being about proving something
to yourself and it really becomes about having love with the
women who you meet and getting numbers has nothing to do with
that. You could get one number in a night but you just had the
most meaningful, amazing relationship with that girl in the first two
or three hours that you talk to her. That, to me, is real success and
that, to me, is really breaking through. So that’s what we want to
help guys achieve here.

ADAM: That’s really cool. So, let’s jump into it. Cuz what I really like
about your work is that you’ve really broken down how to create
value for yourself and then convey value. Again, I think a lot of
the worst pick up stuff is how to convey value and the better work
in the world, the men’s work that you’re doing and that I do is how
to actually embody that value. How do I actually become the value
that women want and what I want to focus with you on for
everybody tonight , or today, is you have a really good way of
mastering your social life, I call it “undating”, so that you don’t
have to spend time and money on date after date after date which
by any economic terms is kind of a waste because it’s just one at a
time, it’s just one person at a time and a lot of us over 35 have
limited time, we don’t have lots of time to see one person at a time
and it makes more sense, especially given our cloud culture, our
social media culture to cull the herd, you know, to meet the herd
and then to cull it out. So, what I’d like to talk about tonight is
your kind of a tripartheid notion of personal value, consisting of
Primary Value, Passive Value and Active Value. What I want to do
today is to focus on those three areas of personal value, what they
are and how men can hone them so that they can be much more
efficient socially, meeting more women so they can find the
women they really want. Does that sound good?

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, that sounds great, that sounds great. We can jump right into
it and I can share with you how I came up with this concept.

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ADAM: Sound good.

CHRISTIAN: Ok, here’s my thought on this stuff and these come from a
program called Unbreakable that I developed about developing
unbreakable confidence. The entire concepts came about as a
direct result of my own life and my own dating experiences. My
first girlfriend, man, I dated her when I was 17 and she was the
hottest girl in school. So, when I look back on my own personal
dating life, on one hand I was a rousing success from the very get-
go but, on the other hand, that relationship was filled with so much
drama. It was a first love so, of course, it’s going to be filled with
drama. But, beyond that, when we actually did break up and I had
to start going out and talking to women, I found there were so
many problems with my life and so many things that I had to get
over and I literally feel that even though I was given a fair amount
of intellect and I’m not a terrible looking guy, I still had to
overcome every hurdle and barrel through every roadblock. So,
these concepts that we’re talking about here are really my best
effort at understanding every single sticking point that a guy could
have because they’re all sticking points that I had in going out and
approaching women and getting better with them. So, it really
came from looking at what’s the best way to teach how to
overcome every little thing that could hold a guy back? So that’s
the kind of teaching model here. And, it comes down to what we
call Primary Value, Passive Value and Active Value. The basic
premise is one that I am sure will resonate with you and with your
listeners as well. People are attracted to things with value, right, so
if you like chocolate cake and that’s valuable to you then you’ll be
sort of attracted to it. So, you have to develop and cultivate value
in your life that is naturally attractive to women. And, the way that
I like to think about Primary, Passive and Active is this: Primary is
like the fire that burns inside of you, it’s that thing that gets you up
in the morning and gets you going. It’s drive and confidence; it’s
all these things about your belief system and your world view. It’s
who you are. It all flows from there and spiritually is built into that
and it’s a very deep place. People like depth. One thing that I
realized, and I’m sure you will agree with this, women are
inherently deep creatures, and I think that our society kind of
encourages surface level interactions in many ways and it really
values what’s on the surface and we don’t always have a chance to
value what’s deep. But, women are very, very deep and in order to
have a deep connection with a woman you really have some depth
of your own and that’s where that Primary Value is.

ADAM: OK

25
CHRISTIAN: The way I like to think about Passive Value is that it’s who you are
on paper. So, it’s your job, it’s your car, it’s the way that a woman
would describe you to her friends or her mother if she was trying
to say, “he’s like this and does that and blah, blah, blah”. It’s your
lifestyle, but it’s a little bit more than that, it’s all the things about
you, all your value that exists when you’re not in residence. Let me
give you a good example of somebody that has a lot of Passive
Value: Jay Z. Jay Z has created so much value for people,
through his albums and maybe if you like Roca Wear. But the
point is that Jay Z has created so much value for people that his
Passive Value really precedes him when he walks into any room.
So, people are going to have some level of attraction for him just
entirely based on the fact that he’s created all this value and what
have you and it’s all passive.

And then, finally, there’s Active Value. And Active Value is how
you make people feel in person. So, that’s your personality, your
social skills, your game all that. That’s the thing that guys really
come in to train and to learn and to improve upon. So, those are
the three forms of value. Now, we can talk about any of that. I
know that, you probably want to spend some time talking about
what we call Passive Value or lifestyle. We can dive into any of it.
Where do you want to go from here?

ADAM: Well, I love your breakdown. I think it’s really useful, and, you’re
right, I do want to talk about Passive Value. I want to talk about
how people can create this aura. Because, look, I’m lazy, in
essence. You know, I’m not really lazy but I like to put my effort
where it gets results and I think this idea of creating Passive Value
before you enter the room is huge. It’s the foundation of
everything I built in online dating, you know, how to create the
kind of profile that’s magnetic and intriguing and powerful and
purposeful and inspiring and sensitive and sensual. So, that by the
time that you actually meet a woman, she’s already really interested
in you. To me, that’s creating Passive Value through online dating.
I’d never thought about it that way. But, I’d love to talk to you
about how to create Passive Value socially so that when you do
enter a situation, people already know who you are. So, I know
you work with Meet Up and other tools like that, let’s get some
great practical ideas for people.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, sure, sure. You know, I guess, short of being Jay Z, which I
would encourage anybody to try to be, but, um, you know, except
for the crack-selling part, don’t do that.

ADAM: Yeah, skip that stage.


26
CHRISTIAN: Here’s how you want to think about it, right? What creates value
for people in their lives socially? It’s things that are interesting,
things that are different, things that challenge them a little bit but at
the same time kind of let them feel in their comfort zone. And,
there’s going to be different people who like different things. I’m
not really into Goth stuff. I’m a little bit of a homebody.

ADAM: OK

CHRISTIAN: But, I do like to go out and dance. Just to give you an example: a
guy who’s going to have passive value relative to me is a guy who
can put together a really good party full of really attractive girls and
really interesting people. There’s this guy I know who’s got a
pretty nice apartment and once a month, on a Sunday, he does a
brunch thing where he gets a bunch of entrepreneurs, scientists,
actors and musicians together. It’s a very eclectic group of high
level thinkers and it’s just this awesome little thing that he’s put
together. So, let’s just take that as an example. How did that start?
Well, it started with him basically saying, listen, these are the sorts
of people whom I want to surround myself with. And that’s the
first question I think anybody has to ask themselves, Adam, is, ok,
who are the people who I want to surround myself with and what’s
it going to take to make that happen? And, I know that when I
first moved to New York, for example, I wanted to surround
myself with hot, ditzy club girls and that required a lot of hustle.
So, I just became friends with some promoters who kind of helped
me create that. They did a lot of the hustle and I just had a cool
place so we invited them over. But, getting back to anybody’s
individual situation, start by thinking about who are the people
who you want in your life? What is the situation that you want to
find yourself in on a weekly or in a monthly basis? And you can
paint that picture however you want it. I mean, right now, I’ve
just moved back to New York, I’ve been gone for about six
months. I’m in a great new place and we’re starting to do a couple
different parties here, a couple different types. We’re going to do
some brunch parties where it’s all about getting together, having
open dialogue and thinking about interesting stuff. It’s going to be
some quasi-religious people, some spiritual people and some
people who are just successful in what they do and those are the
people I want to surround myself with. So, that’s a start. Beyond
that, once you’ve kind of got this idea in your mind that these are
the people I want to be around and surround myself with, then
how do you go about executing that? Well, you find who’s in your
immediate network and you say, “Hey let’s team up on this”.
Here’s one thing that I’ve found: whenever you’re hosting events
27
or when you’re at the center of an event, there is sort of a “the
whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts” effect that happens
when you start to add hosts. And, when you add a couple of co-
hosts to your parties, you’re going to get an eclectic and diverse
group and you’re going to start to pull in people who don’t know
you and they’re going to also see that it’s not just one person who’s
hustling everybody into an event, but that there’s a couple of co-
hosts.

ADAM: And, that’s better.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. The reason why is that it shows a little
bit of social value, it shows that you can get people together and it,
kind of, creates a momentum around the whole thing. And, when
you empower somebody else as your co-host, when you say, for
example, “Hey I’m going to host a dinner party at my place or a
cocktail party or a brunch party”, and you empower somebody to
do invite some guests, then you’re really giving them the ability to
use your place as their home and that’s very rewarding for that
person. So, empowering them in that way is fun and doing so
helps them to get behind it and get excited.

ADAM: Two things, real quick:

CHRISTIAN : Yeah?

ADAM: One is, what do you think of the idea if you’re hosting something
to have also a woman?

CHRISTIAN: Oh, yes! I was going to get to that. Absolutely, absolutely, 100%.
If you can, get a woman to be your co-host. The best parties I’ve
thrown have had women as co-hosts. Man, there was this one; I
threw this New Year’s party a few years back. It was about 60%
gorgeous, southern women because my co-host was a gorgeous
southern woman.

ADAM: There you go.

CHRISTIAN: And the guys there, every guy said to me, “I’ve never been to a
party with this many hot girls!” So, that was nice. Now, there was
another thought that you had?

28
ADAM: Yes, that it doesn’t have to be at your house.

CHRISTIAN: No, it doesn’t. You can do it anywhere. I talk about doing it at


your house because it’s nice to invite people into your home. But,
yes, you can do something as simple as a weekly brunch at some
cool, new restaurant. Here’s the point, in fact, if you do it at your
house for too long, people are going to get tired of the scenery.
I’ve hosted a heck of a lot of events and I find that if you’re going
to keep doing it at your house, I mean, even here, we switch up the
DJ table, we move the layout of the furniture and we change stuff
around. We add different decorative elements. Because, you know
this happens with clubs in New York, a club will be in business for,
I don’t know, a year maybe, two years if it’s a really great club. But,
9 times out of 10, they’ll shut down within 8-12 months and re-do
everything and all of a sudden it’s a different place and a different
experience for people. That’s really the important thing. You want
to create different experiences for people, because, how many of
the same Green Day songs can you listen to again and again? You
have to keep innovating and doing interesting stuff. It’s all about
creating a place where people can experience something new and
step outside of their comfort zone a little bit and meet some new
people. You can be a connector. I love it when I’m able to bring
together 8 or 10 different people. Here’s a really easy one, let me
just give you a really simple one. You call up 8 to 10 friends who
don’t know each other. They are from different walks of life, but
they are in some way connected; they are all engaging people or
they’re all successful people or they’re all spiritual people or
something like that. You call up 8 to 10 of them who don’t know
each other and you say, “Hey, listen, I want to get together for
dinner, I want you to meet some of my friends, I just want to start
connecting people.” So, if you call up 10 people, you’ll get 6 to
come if you plan it a week out. So, now you’ve got 6 to 8 people
there who have never met each other and who always have you to
refer to as the person who connected them. Now, that is creating
Passive Value. In terms of getting real specific here, that is creating
value. When you are able to connect people who, otherwise were
not friends and didn’t know each other and you’re able to make
them into friends, that is creating value in people’s lives. Really,
what it comes down to is who is the leader? Who is the social
leader? Are you the leader or are you waiting for somebody else to
lead? That makes all the difference in the world.

ADAM: That’s great, I love that and I think that’s really important.
Obviously, great women are attracted to men who are leaders.
What other ways can men show their leadership socially? How else
can you build value? I think the idea of hosting a roving circuit –
29
you know, I live in LA, obviously by the beach here, and I’ve
recommended and started groups that meet at local hotel bars.
There are lots of cool, swanky, hip hotels.

CHRISTIAN : Sure.

ADAM: Tonight, we’re meeting at the W. Next Thursday, we’re meeting at


The Viceroy. You know, it’s fun; it’s like a little roving party.

CHRISTIAN : Sure. Right.

ADAM: What else, besides creating parties or social events, how else to you
get that aura of Jay Z value before you enter a room?

CHRISTIAN: Right. Certainly there are parts of your life that you can work on.
Let’s just say that you’re incredibly well dressed. Let’s say you’re
the best-dressed guy that anybody knows. And, obviously, that’s
going to take some work, I’m not going to lie. But, if you’re the
best-dressed guy that anybody knows and people talk about you
and say something like “Adam’s coming to this party and I wonder
what he’s going to wear tonight. He’s always got some amazing
detail that really stands out.” Then, that’s certainly one way of
doing it. Just being distinctive is the bottom line. This kind of gets
into Active Value, but, anything that you do in the presence of
people that is going to leave an impression upon them is going to
help them to remember you and it’s going to create value before
you see them the next time.

ADAM: What might that include?

CHRISTIAN: Dressing well, being a really great story teller, having phenomenal
things to share. Here’s another example: Let’s say that somebody
else organizes an event. Let’s say that you’re just invited to
something and you’re the guy who brings milk and cookies. Or,
for no good reason, you show up with a bottle of wine or some
great alcohol…

ADAM: That has a story, even better.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, exactly. Oh, I love that, I love that. You know, for some
reason you bring something, you know, and you share something
and you make the event more interesting. And, in doing so, you
make yourself more interesting. Those sorts of things really stand
out because they’re things that you don’t need to do. Here’s

30
another really simple example: you show up to a group and you
bring 3 or 4 nice Dominican cigars

ADAM: Yes.

CHRISTIAN: Who knows where you’re going, but you bring a few cigars and you
say to a couple of guys at one point, or even some girls, “Hey,
listen, I don’t know if any of you guys smoke but I brought some
really nice Romeo Y Julietas and if any of you all would like to join
me for a cigar after this, that would be fantastic.” Anything where
you just do unexpected things and provide a new experience for
people. If they don’t remember you the 1st time, they’ll certainly
remember you the 2nd time. With respect to some other things
you can do: here’s a real easy one. I love this, I love when people
do this for me and it’s so easy to do – creating a mixed CD.

ADAM: Yes.

CHRISTIAN: Is this something that you’ve done before?

ADAM: Yes, it’s such an easy thing to do and it’s such a wonderful gift.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, absolutely. If you make a mixed CD of some nice chill out
music or some party music or stuff that people haven’t heard
before. I’ve got one friend who makes a new mixed CD every year
for Christmas.

ADAM: Yep.

CHRISTIAN: That’s always really well appreciated. Myself, I’m a DJ, so I put
these mixed CD’s together and I shoot them out to all of my
friends and I say, “Hey, play this at parties.” This past New Year’s,
just to give you an example, and I don’t expect that everybody
listening to this is going to be a DJ, but, this past year I made a pre-
made mix that had a bunch of songs going together and if you hit
“Play” on it at the exact moment that the clock turned 11:47 p.m.,
then when the ball dropped, everything was synced perfectly and it
went right into the beginning of the appropriate song. So, you
know, that’s obviously a bit extreme, but those of the creative ways
that you want to think about this stuff. So, I sent that out to all of
my friends and I had a ton of people saying, “Hey, dude, that was
amazing. I played that at my party and everybody and a great
time!” So, that’s the sort of thing that is going to get people
talking.

31
ADAM: Good, I’ll be watching my mailbox this Christmas.

CHRISTIAN: Aaah, man, now you’re just setting all kinds of expectations for me.

ADAM: No, I agree with that. I’ll add something else. I love wine, and I
love that in Italy, for example, there are areas up in the hills of
Tuscany that are just full of these tiny, beautiful wineries. And
there happens to be a great wine store here in LA where they
specialize in small wineries. Amazingly, you can get great bottles
for under $20.00 and what I was saying about bring wine with a
story, you know, if you’ve visited the winery…

CHRISTIAN: Oh, I love that…

ADAM: You know, you don’t have to go to Italy, there are wineries all over
America now, both on the west coast and on the upper east coast
around New York. It’s so nice to have a story. I visited this place
and I met the guy, I met the vendors, I met family that owns it and
it was beautiful. To be able to describe it and have a little story
involved with what this wine is about, where it comes from, where
the vines are from, it makes it special then. It’s not just a bottle.

CHRISTIAN: Right, right. What you’re talking about here is something that’s
really interesting to me in marketing and I’ve read quite a bit about
this. There are two wine stores right down the street from my
place. One’s gotten kind of cheap and I’ll go in there to get my
Pepperwood Grove Merlot at $8.00 a bottle. But if I want some
really good wine, especially if I’ve got a date coming over, I don’t
know if you’ve ever done this, I’ll say, “Come over and we’ll go get
some food and we’ll come back here and cook it.” So, usually, I’ve
got the food but I don’t have the wine. So, I’ll take the girl to this
really cool place that’s actually chilled. The whole place is chilled.
It’s like a wine cellar. And, you go in there and they have a story
behind every single bottle.

ADAM: There you go.

CHRISTIAN: A really, really deep story. Now here’s the point: Those bottles
cost like $20.00 but part of the value differentials is in the story, it’s
in the depth of the bottle and that’s really what you’re getting to.
Anything with a story is something that has depth and that’s
something that people want in their lives desperately. It’s
something that they want to connect with, so if you can help them
explore that or help them find that then that’s just a huge win for
people. Yeah, I like that, though. I really like this sort of stuff!

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Bring some wine & chocolates, these are some little, simple things
that really make it so easy and that’s it.

ADAM: And the more unusual and the more personal, the better.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, that’s absolutely true. So those are some very simple steps.
Going back to what are some other things you can do to create
Passive Value. Honestly, one thing is staying in touch with the
people when you don’t have to. So, little phone calls and text
messages like “hey how are you doing” or “what’s going on” are
great. I don’t use Facebook Chat extensively but I know some
people who do really well. The way that I like to think about
communications is not as sort of a discreet set of communications
like I see you on Friday and then I see you next Friday and then I
see you the Friday after that. I like to think of my communications
as a stream. So, if my communications are a stream then I should
be texting a lot of people more frequently and sharing little things
with them. For example: “Hey I found a song that I think you’ll
like” or “Hey did you see the Pacific the other night?” Any sort of
little thing that you can use to remind somebody that you’re
thinking about them. When you know that somebody has a
particular interest you can utilize that. I have this one buddy who
loves furniture and I came across this new website and sent him as
message saying, “Hey, Jay, you definitely want to check this out. I
think you’re going to love it.” It’s like giving a little gift to them
that’s unexpected and when they see you again they’re really excited
and you guys have something to talk about. Really what this is all
about, Adam, is being thoughtful and being mindful in your day-to-
day life and you just can’t beat that. Now there’s one distinction I
want to make but if you need to jump in and interrupt me at any
point just say so because I can just talk for hours.

ADAM: You mentioned Facebook Chat. On principle, I’m against all that
stuff because I think it is time-wasting. You know, Twitter I played
with for awhile and got rid of but Facebook Chat I find is a great
way to make little comments on friends’ posts and stay in touch
and keep the warmth going. It’s a great tool without having to
have a huge investment in time or effort.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, exactly, absolutely. And, it’s very easy. I like to do it like
this: if I see a funny article or some interesting piece of news and I
know it’s going to interest somebody, I’ll post it to their wall. I
might post a You Tube video to their wall be like, “Hey I saw this
and I think you’d probably really enjoy it.”

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ADAM: Yeah, absolutely.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, so that sort of stuff really works. Here’s one critical
distinction that I want to make: The difference between Jay Z and
everything that we’re talking about here is that what Jay Z does has
leverage. When he creates Passive Value he does it by going into a
studio and blasting out an album, which everybody buys. There’s
leverage in that and it touches millions of people. So, as a function
of Passive Value that leverage becomes very important because you
only have so much time to comment on so many people’s
Facebook Walls. That’s why doing things like organizing events is
important because there is leverage in it because it involves getting
a bunch of people together at once and it touches a lot of people.
Another thing that you can do, and these are silly little ideas, would
be to start a blog that people really like. It could be about
anything. I’d really encourage somebody to go out and buy “Crush
It” by Gary Vaynerchuk and “Linchpin” by Seth Godin because
both of those books are kind of all about sharing your passion with
the world. Really, what Passive Value comes down to is that you
are a person who can create something that other people want to
access in your absence. So, if you can write a blog, post it. If you
can write a song, if you can create piece of art, if you can just create
something that people use and enjoy in your absence that’s really
what it’s all about. So, it really is a creative process and all these
little things that we’ve talked about here add up to something
greater. When it really comes down to is Passive Value, again, it’s
all about creating something for the world that has social value for
other people. Something that they want to touch and they want to
play with and they want to enjoy and doing that from a place of
true passion. When you look at Gary Vaynerchuk…

ADAM: I just met him.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, did you? Yeah, that was the Yonix Event, right?

ADAM: Mmm hmm.

CHRISTIAN: He is crazy, isn’t he? He is just a nut about this stuff. What is your
impression, let me ask you about that? How would you describe
Gary?

ADAM: He is on fire about celebrating people being honest, being out


there. My favorite quote is, he was looking for the term and he
goes, “lying is ass” and I thought that was really funny. He was
talking about marketing. I think he cares deeply about his legacy
and I think he cares deeply about customer celebration and he
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meant it. He celebrates the people that he does business with.
People feel his natural joy in his work and want to be a part of him
because he’s funny and he’s happy. Which, actually, is going to
bring us back to the first thing that you said which really got my
attention, which is Primary Value, which is what burns inside of
you? And we’ll come back to that in a second.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah.

ADAM: Yeah, he was great. He was incredibly energizing and he was


deeply honest. That’s the thing that you get from him, is that he
walks his talk. He means it, he means what he says and he puts out
incredible effort.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, he does. He puts so much diligence into it. It’s so funny. I
watch Wine Library TV just because he is so incredibly funny and
engaging. The point is, here is a guy who has a total passion about
wine and his passion is so enthusiastic and contagious that he’s
managed to share it with other people. That’s, frankly, how I feel
about dating advice and about getting this part of your life handled.
It is really what we love to talk about and what we love to share
and what we love to preach so I feel very fortunate that I’m in a
business that gives me the opportunity to do that. I think that it’s
really important that a person figure out a way to create value for
other people in absentia. When you’re not around, how are you
going to still create value for people? How are you going to have it
set up so people know who you are? They read your blog post or
they like your Tweets or they saw some work that you created.
Straight up, this is not easy stuff because what it requires is really
connecting with what your passions are and finding something that
you can share with people in giving that gift. I hate to be all “self-
helpy” and use words like “gift” and “passion” but that’s really
what it comes down to, it really is. It could just be repeating what
you learned from somebody else. Maybe you listen to Adam’s
stuff and you develop a real sincere appreciation for sex and
sexuality and you become a real strong advocate of that. Maybe it’s
something where there’s a non-profit that you want to get involved
with and you really start getting involved and start spreading the
word about that. I’ll give you a great example of that and, again,
my examples are all over the map. My sister is involved with rape
counseling and she works with the women. When a woman gets
raped, my sister is a volunteer who gets called upon to attend with
the woman at the hospital. She is really passionate about this to
the point that she began to blog about it. She really gets involved
in advocacy in so many ways. Her blog has started to touch a lot
of people and has started to create value in people’s lives. We even
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had one person write in on my sister’s blog post, and this is a
person that we all knew, Adam. She said, “I have to tell you, I’ve
never wanted to come forward about this but I, myself, was
sexually abused as a child.” When my family heard that we were
shocked, we couldn’t believe it. The value that this created was not
obvious at first but it has a cathartic value. It’s lets people connect
to something that’s deep inside of them. Since she started that, a
couple of my female friends have actually read it and one of them
is now volunteering with her. So, that’s a situation where it’s a
cause and rape counseling is something that’s difficult to talk about
in many ways but it’s something that my sister is so passionate
about that it has created value now that she blogs about it and she
shares about it and gets other people to support the cause. Now,
it’s something that they can associate with her and say, “my life is
richer because of this thing that this person has created for me and
introduced me to.” And that is, again, what it all comes back to,
creating something for somebody that makes their life richer
whether it be a song, a cause they get involved in, a mixed CD or a
party. That’s really what Passive Value comes back to. If you can
do that in your absence, without having to be there, then that’s
really where the leverage comes in and that’s where you start to
have that halo effect, so to speak. So, it requires a little bit of
work but when you put that work in and start creating that stuff it
pays off in so many ways. We’re kind of talking about theoretical
stuff here. If you want to take it back to how to you get involved
with people in meet up groups, then, by all means, we can go back
to that.

ADAM: Well, yeah, it’s actually not that theoretical. But, there are two
things you mentioned. One is obviously Meet Ups and we should
talk about that. You can also form a Facebook Group.

CHRISTIAN: Yes.

ADAM: That’s very easy. Now, just going back to creating a group, it’s
much easier to invite somebody to a local hotel bar for a gathering
than to your house. So, for anyone who says, “How do I get
started?” I would just get started reaching out to friends on
Facebook, reaching out to friends of friends on Facebook. Tell
everyone to bring two friends and suddenly you have a list and
then you get them on a Group Page. Get them on that Group
Page on Facebook, not just on a Personal Profile Page.

36
CHRISTIAN: Yep.

ADAM: Another thing I want to say about blogs is that you create a blog
about a social issue that means something to you and I love that.
Another thing you can do if you live out in a locality is create a
blog profiling people you love in the area. It’s like, “hey, I’m going
to create a profile on you in the blog” and suddenly it’s a local
talking piece where people are seeing that you are celebrating
people in the community or you’re talking about what’s going on in
the community, which could be a little dangerous. But you can
create anything, really. You can go to Wordpress.com and it’s very
easy to set up a blog. You can go to Odesk.com. You can go to
Craig’s List and ask for somebody to help you set it up, it’s not that
hard.

CHRISTIAN: Now, I don’t know if you’ve seen Tumblr.com but it’s so easy to
create something that’s like a blog, it’s just a way for sharing stuff.
It’s really easy these days. And, again, it’s not the be-all, end-all but
still it helps. I’m sure you’ve met people who do restaurant
reviews. I’ll give you another example: one of my friends started a
blog doing restaurant reviews and she just happened to be a really
great writer. That blog ended up catapulting her into all these
parties and events and people telling her that they really loved to
read her blog. Blogging is not the answer to everything but I think
the skill that most people do have is writing as opposed to song
creation or being able to paint. So, I think that if you can’t do that,
whatever gift that you do have and whatever way that you can
share that gift is absolutely something that you must do.

ADAM: Talk about MeetUp.com for a second. I’ve never actually used it
but I’ve looked at it. How do you recommend that people use
Meet Up?

CHRISTIAN: Meet Up is great. It’s a great way to connect with people who have
similar interests. This is very important because if you guys don’t
have similar interests, what are you going to have to talk about?
Let’s say that you like skiing or snowboarding. Depending on
which metropolitan area that you live in, you can find so many
groups that will get together and organize snowboarding and skiing
trips. You’re going to find that these organizers love putting these
events on. You know what it is, Adam? It’s kind of like the clubs
from college but for adults.

37
ADAM: Mmm hmmm.

CHRISTIAN: You know, there was the Snowboarding Club and the Band Club
and the Blackberry Users Group Club. Well, I don’t even
remember if Blackberry’s were around back when I was in school.
Anyway, there are all these groups and you pick one that you like
and start going to their Meet Ups. If you like them and find that
it’s a valuable experience and you connect with the people there
then you start to make friends. All of a sudden you’ve got this new
social circle of people that you never knew before and you’re all
going on a snowboarding trip or going to see some play together.
Whatever it is that you have an interest in; Meet Up can be a
gateway to a community of people who are already doing those
things and who are already excited to share those things with other
people who are impassioned about it. So, it’s a really good way to
expand your network without having to pick up women. Without
having to go to bars and just stand around…

ADAM: Which I hate…

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, that can be a bit frustrating at times…

ADAM: I hate that, it’s just boring…

CHRISTIAN: We’ve actually got some clients coming in this weekend so we’ll be
taking them out to some bars…

ADAM: Ok, personal thing…

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, I know, I know…

ADAM: That’s great, you don’t have to form your own Meet Up groups,
you can actually log on to other groups, which is great.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, absolutely. In fact, if you do want to form one of your own,
I think it’s about $120.00. We’ve actually got a Meet Up group for
the Social Man here in New York. So, anybody who’s listening to
this in the tri-state area is absolutely welcome to join. We do
monthly get togethers where we kind of talk about this stuff. We
talk about dating and we get guys together and we hang out and
have some food. But, that’s us. Like I said, one of my buddies
runs a party group and he’s always excited to have new people
involved who are impassioned about snowboarding and who want
to go to local areas. It’s totally free, you just sign up and put your
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email address in and find groups that you’d enjoy connecting with.
As the owner of my Meet Up group, I get emails from guys that
say things like, “I run a wine club and I’d love for you to host you
event at my wine bar.”

ADAM: Nice!

CHRISTIAN: And these are people with Meet Up groups of their own who want
people to come in who want to share, who want to connect, who
want to be social. One other thing and I have to say is this. I’m
sure you’ve experienced this too. When I was getting settled in
New York, I went out to a lot of events and I connected with a lot
of people and I’ve had quite a few friendship groups here. It’s
taken me a very long time, about three years, for the friendship
group that I currently have, who are some of my best friends in the
world, to come together as a group. Now, just in terms of my own
life, every single close guy friend I have is a guy who any girl would
want to date and that’s an awesome thing to be able to say. All the
close girls who we have are attractive, they’re intelligent and they’re
doing stuff with their lives. Everybody’s super social and
everybody has a really great heart. The point is, it has taken a long
time for me to find this group. If you don’t succeed at first, if you
go to a Meet Up group and you feel like everybody you met there
was such a dick, well, if you don’t succeed, try, try again! There are
so many people and it took three years for my current friendship
group to evolve into the great group of people that it is today. Just
keep going out there and keep connecting with people until you
find a group that really accepts you and loves you for who you are
and who you feel the same way about.

ADAM: Very nice, very nice. So, persistence, clearly. The amazing thing is
that with the Internet the tools are all here, there’s no excuse not to
get out and have a great social life, there’s no excuse. That’s what
I’m getting from talking with you.

CHRISTIAN: Exactly, exactly.

ADAM: With the ten minutes we have left, I want to go back to the first
one because I’m sure you have a lot to say, I’m guessing, about the
fire. I guess you call it Primary Value, who you actually are. I’m all
about living an inspired life; I know the difference of what it feels
like to be downtrodden in a relationship that’s killing you versus
feeling so free and happy. I know how magnetic that is and I know
how I feel and I know how I draw people when I’m in, like the
state I’ve been in which is happy, exploratory, curious, empowered.

39
How do you help guys who may feel stuck, increase their Primary
Value?

CHRISTIAN: That’s a really good question. I hate to say it, but it comes down to
finding something that really makes this life meaningful for you.
And, that’s a hard thing to find, that’s finding your purpose. I’ve
got this quote. Every now and then I come up with a great quote,
like a one-liner. This is going to be one for the ages, “The three
great searches in life: for love, for purpose and for God are never
resolved at our convenience.” Sometimes we think there is a
solution but then we find that there’s another layer which we have
yet to discover. You and I have talked about this and I never like
talking about my personal life too much, but, I will speak in some
vagaries here: I was raised Catholic. I still am, in many ways, a
Christian and I have been close to a girl who is extremely Christian.
We really adore each other and it would be so utterly convenient if
my faith was at the same place that hers is, but it’s not. And both
of us have the maturity to recognize that if we push this then love
will not happen and we will not love each other in the way that we
need to. So, when it comes back to how do you discover this fire
that drives you, it’s really all about discovering what really makes
you excited to get up everyday and go about this world and be
thankful for what you have, whether you’re thanking God or
thanking the Universe or thanking yourself for being such an
amazing guy for being able to put it all together. But, connecting
with that. I really believe in the power of appreciating what you
have. You know, looking at the world around us and saying things
like, “I am just so thankful for the people in my life”. Silly stuff,
right? I wake up in the morning and I have heated floors in my
bathroom and everyday that I touch my feet to that floor, I think
to myself, “Aahh, this is amazing”. Now, I know that’s getting a
little bit away from what’s in your heart and finding that passion
and sharing it. But, for me, those heated floors are the result of
sharing my passion with the world. They’re the result of having
made a little bit of money from sharing dating advice with guys and
getting them and their dating lives handled. So, I am so
appreciative of that. You have no idea. I just love the fact that
I’ve been given these things. So, I think, again, it really comes
down to getting involved with whatever it is that you care most
about in this world and realizing that everything else is kind of
unimportant. A couple of my buddies are directors at investment
banks. There are a few of them who absolutely love it. They love
crunching numbers and doing deals. To them, it’s the bees’ knees.
Those guys are full of what we call primary value because they live
their passion every day. Then there’s other people get into that
business, killing themselves 14 hours a day and it’s just soul
crushing, they can’t stand it, they want nothing to do with it.
40
Those people are the ones who get depressed; they turn to alcohol,
which turn to all sorts of outlets. So, I think really what’s
important here, and this is just a lifelong journey, Adam, are you
inspired to get up and live every day? Do the things that you have
in your life make you feel fulfilled or do you feel like you need to
turn to escapes just to forget where you are? I’ve got six elements
of primary value that we talk about in Unbreakable. At the very
highest level, especially if a guy is over 35, and he’s feeling like his
life is passing him by and he’s not enthusiastic about the things that
he’s spends his days on, then it’s about a lot more then women.
Finding a woman who gives him some purpose and direction in life
is going to be nice, but, you’ve got to have it for yourself. You’ve
got to feel it in your heart, everyday that you wake up you’ve got to
be excited and just want to share with people, want to give to
people. The best way that I can put it, Adam…

ADAM: Mmm hmmm

CHRISTIAN: I have this way of looking at the world that I want other people to
experience and I want to share that with them. I just want them to
see how much I love some music and how much I love some
people and how much I love the experience of my life. You’ve just
got to find out how to do that. How do you see the world that is
so unique and that you love so much and how do you share that
with other people. And that is really what it comes down to.

ADAM: You know this ties in really closely to the whole thrust of this
entire program and the entire training which is to take on what I
call your Kingship. To be the bestower of value in the world
rather than the getter of other people’s value.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, Yeah.

ADAM: Try every way you can to give the best of yourself whether it’s a
blog, a social group, starting a Meet Up, starting a party, bringing a
unique gift, being inspired and sharing that inspiration, sharing
what you love, sharing the music that you love, sharing the causes
that you love. It’s all about sharing the fire that you are…

CHRISTIAN: Yeah.

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ADAM: …and giving value in every possible way you can think of. I’ve
think I’ve said this elsewhere and I’ll write about this one day but
being an entrepreneur and being a great lover and being a spiritual
person, to me, are all the same thing.

CHRISTIAN: Huh.

ADAM: It’s all about how can you be of service. How can you be of great
service to the people in your life?

CHRISTIAN: Yes. Yeah, absolutely.

ADAM: It’s funny; we touched on Gary Vanyerchuk who is a great


example. Being a great lover, a great companion, spouse,
boyfriend, girlfriend and being someone who is spiritually
grounded in the world, you know, use me. There’s a great quote
from Mother Teresa in which she said “let them eat you up, feed
the world with who you are.”

CHRISTIAN: Yeah.
ADAM: I guess my final thought on this would be that if you’re really
unhappy with your job, quit.

CHRISTIAN: Ha, yeah.


ADAM: Find another way; there are other resources in the world. Really
look at whatever is holding you back and putting out your fire. I
like that you talk about the internal fire. There are a bunch of
people in my group and in my community and I polled everyone,
asking them what do they feel about being over 35, what are their
biggest fears, what are their biggest challenges? And, a lot of them
said that they feel like their life is passing them by. My response
was, “Yes, it actually is, you’re right!” So, do something about it
today. Don’t put this off. Really, go to Meet Up, go to Facebook,
start creating these groups, if you don’t like your work, find other
work, start building on the side if you have to, start building it at
night, turn off the T.V.

CHRISTIAN: You know, if I can add to that, I have a really interesting anecdote.
I was sitting next to this woman on the airplane while I was flying
from Michigan to New York. She was a little older and we were
talking about my business. She asked me what I do so I told her.
42
She said, “Wow, you must be a genius.” I was really surprised
about this and I got to know a little about her. She was a very
provincial woman; she’d spend most of her life in Michigan.

ADAM: Wow.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, she was very provincial. I thought to myself that I’m
certainly not a genius. By any measure of IQ, David Foster
Wallace would beat me hands down. But, most of us are smart
enough. If you’re listening to this and are still with us, have
comprehended all this and you feel what we’re feeling, then you’re
definitely smart enough. So the question when it comes to Primary
Value and finding that fire inside of you is: how hard are you
working? Not how hard are you working at your job but how hard
are you working at being a source of value in other people’s lives?
How much do you read? How much do you expand your mind?
One of the things that’s fantastic and that I congratulate everybody
that purchased this course on is that you are trying to expand your
mind right now and get new ideas and you’re trying to open up to
new things. That’s huge. Finally, how much do you mastermind?
How much do you connect with other people who are trying to do
great things in life, who are also trying to connect with the world,
who are also trying to give value to the world? It’s not about
genius; it’s about working hard at the things that you’re passionate
about. Reading, experiencing, learning and growing and then
connecting with other people who have similar passions and want
to do the same things. That’s not genius, that’s just committing to
living a great life and doing everything you can. That’s really the
difference. It’s not natural intellect, it’s how hard do you want to
live, how much do you want to share? And, that’s it.

ADAM: I love it. We are in alignment. I think that you’re absolutely right.
I’m putting up links to your work on our ACI Life Store page to
Unbreakable Confidence. Now, you run live workshops. Do you
run them only in New York?

CHRISTIAN: No, we run them in San Francisco and in Singapore as well.

ADAM: Wow.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, so we’ve got a couple of locations. We’re real flexible. We


do anything from phone coaching to flying to see people, if that’s
what makes sense. We’ve even started to do destination retreats
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for 4 or 5 days. Costa Rica is the first one. A lot of it is intergame
work, finding that passion, we definitely do a lot of social skills
drilling, too. It’s a lot of fun because you get to hang out with
some cool guys, discover a different side of your life and do a little
bit of scuba diving as well.

ADAM: That’s a great idea.

CHRISTIAN: So, it’s kind of all over. With our coaching programs, we
encourage guys to get in touch with us and tell us what’s on their
mind and what they’d like to improve and then we’ll set up a
program for them.

ADAM: Fantastic. Everyone can find Christian Hudson’s work on


acilife.com/store. Look for Christian Hudson and look for
Unbreakable Confidence which is one or your programs and I
obviously recommend it tremendously. Thank you so much for
joining us today this was really good, it’s very reinforcing.

CHRISTIAN: Thank you so much for having me, Adam, it’s been my pleasure.
To everybody who’s been listening to this, thank you very much
for sitting through it and I hope that you enjoyed it.

ADAM: Great and my message to everyone is take action on what you’ve


heard, don’t just absorb it, take action. Thank you so much,
Christian. Have a great day out there.

CHRISTIAN: See ya.

***

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Refine And Approach Your Dating Skills - Carlos Xuma

ADAM: Hello and welcome to the newest session of Dating After Thirty-
Five. Today I have a really interesting guy, and actually a really
good friend of mine: Carlos Xuma has been Dating Coach, Dating
Teacher, Seminar Teacher, Workshop Leader and Writer on the
dating scene, both for men and for women. He is a Black belt in
the Shaolin Kempo System - and an all around great guy! So
Carlos, I want to welcome you!

CARLOS: Hey, I feel welcomed! Thank you man!

ADAM: Thank you. What I also love about Carlos - most people don’t
know this - is that he is actually also, in addition to being an
awesomely cool Black belt guy, he is a super nerd, and geek, and
dork, and has an amazing scientific mind - something I wasn’t born
with. So he tends to break things down into great detail. And
every time I talk to him I learn something deep - mostly about how
unscientific my mind is! So I love talking to you because it always
gives me a thorough understanding of the issues we are talking
about.

And today we are talking about dating after thirty-five/dating after


forty. And before we even get to that, you have kind of rethought
the whole dating and mating process. Can you talk about what you
think the biggest mistakes guys make are in general, and how to fix
that?

CARLOS: Well, the big dating mistake, huh? For guys, or for girls - or for
everybody?

ADAM: For boys. That your new model fixes.

CARLOS: For boys. Well, I like simple systems. They make it easy to pick a
new skill in no time. I remember I had this cool book like about
ten years ago, when I first started snowboarding, and I read this
book and it gave a really basic, simple understanding to the
principles of snowboarding. And I went out there on the slopes,

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and I remember I got really agile on a board in a very short period
of time.

So what I did was I kind of created a little model for guys AND for
girls. And it kind of keeps things in perspective because I think
(this links to your question about what the biggest mistake is)
because it is actually, probably for both sides, it is pretty similar.

And what I did was I created a model called “Find, Connect and
Keep.” And what it does is I am trying to break down dating into
very simple blocks that we can focus on, you know, where you
don’t get overwhelmed. Because that links directly to the big
mistake, which is when you are dating at an age range where you
are starting to feel a lot more scarcity than you ever did before and
you also, at the same time, it is implied scarcity because at that age
you know a lot more about what it is you want and you have this
contrary and contrasting belief that you are ever going to find it
because it starts getting more and more refined - you know what I
mean?

ADAM: Uhuh.

CARLOS: So it is that whole process of keeping yourself in a good state of


mind, a good attitude - as they say, “It’s the inner game” right?
The inner game gives you the good outer game.

So, the Find, Connect and Keep model, what we do is try and keep
it down to just three simple steps. Find - which is the process of
meeting - you know, finding a woman, meeting a woman - all the
way up to the first real date. And of course it works the same for
women.

Then Connecting, which is of course the dating process, all the way
up to what I call the “first big decision point” - that is where you
have to figure out, “Okay, do I keep this one or do I throw her
back in the water?”

And Keep, which is the process of just keeping a committed


relationship going and successful after you have made that decision
that this is something you want.

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So, there you go!

ADAM: Nice and simple.

CARLOS: Yes. I like it.

ADAM: And how does that model… let’s talked about the first step there,
because I think that is the concern of a lot of the men that I talk to:
a lot of men over thirty-five don’t feel comfortable doing what they
used to do to meet women, which is, you know, heading out to
bars, heading out to clubs, searching on Facebook - although I
think that is a great place to meet people…

CARLOS: Uhuh.

ADAM: What are some of your ideas on the best places to meet after thirty-
five?

CARLOS: Well, I have this philosophy - and I think I have talked to you
about it before - I call it “multiple streams of dating income”;
which is kind of a riff on that old, you know, “multiple streams of
income.” But you need multiple streams of ways to meet people.
It pumps up that sense of abundance; that you are not in a
swimming pool or a pond where there are only a couple of fish.
The more different ways you have to meet people, the better off
you are.

So some of the activities - I mean, I have three primaries that I


think everybody should be using - really pretty much at any age;
but we don’t have much of a focus on it when we are younger. But
when you get a little older, when you are over thirty-five, number
one would be your social networks: you have got to really leverage
your social networks.

You have got to start, you know, using the “connectors” in your
life - if any of you have read the great books by Malcolm Gladwell
- and the “tipping point”, where he talks about these people that
can kind of set your social network into the tipping point of being

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super abundant, just by virtue of connecting with people who are
connected to everybody. You know, you get somebody like that
on your side, you are going to meet a ton of people, whether you
want to or not - which is a good, high-quality problem.

Then the second one would be online dating, which I know you are
an Uber fan of, as am I. So online dating is one of those streams
of income.

And then speed dating, or dating events in general - just singles-


type of events. I really recommend speed dating. I organized those
for a while, and they are actually a whole lot of fun, if you go into it
with the right attitude. You get to first of all get that sense of
abundance, because you are meeting a ton of people in a short
period of time, with virtually no chance of rejection - you know,
everybody HAS to talk to everybody! So it just really flows, really
works well.

Those are some of, I think, THE better ways, especially for people
that may or may not be comfortable in a bar and club environment.
You know, there are some guys that are; and they still leverage that
as a way of meeting people - but they are not finding the same age
group, they are not finding the same quality bracket that they were
used to before. So you have got to leverage different areas.

ADAM: Okay. Speed dating doesn’t lead to speed sex nights, does it?

CARLOS: You know, you never know!

ADAM: It sets up an interesting paradigm.

CARLOS: It is. And I have been to events… the ones I hosted were actually
you had eight minutes to talk to the person. And some people
said, “You know what? That’s WAY more than enough - as a
matter of fact it might be way TOO much in some cases.”

ADAM: Wow!

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CARLOS: Yes, but I have been to events where it is three minutes that you
get with the person - and that is like one-and-a-half minutes for
you, one-and-a-half minutes for her; and somewhere in there you
figure each other out!

But actually, when you get your social calibration up there and you
know what it is you are looking for and you can feel the vibe, you
can pick people up pretty quickly - and then you can give them a
second chance, you know, after the break or after the event. So it
really is a good way to meet people.

ADAM: We do live in a YouTube society! I want to say something about


the first method, which I have actually used. I am real busy - I am
guessing you’re real busy; you know, I have got two kids, and all
sorts of things in my life, and I don’t have time to scour all the
events that are happening around LA, where I live, on the
weekend. So i have a couple of friends who actually DO have time
to do that! And they ALWAYS know what is going on! And so,
because I don’t want to be a mooch, I go out of my way to send
them events when I hear about them, and to invite them to things,
so that I can call up on any sort of Friday afternoon and say, “Hey,
what’s going on tonight?” Or if an evening comes free, to be able
to call up and not feel like a total mooch!

So I am very generous with all my contacts for parties/events with


those few people I know who do watch all those events. And so I
like your idea of cultivating those few friends. I hope they’re not
listening - now they know my secret!

CARLOS: You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, man!

ADAM: Yeah! So it is a good idea. So definitely cultivate the people who


are… if you don’t have a lot of time, cultivate people who do. And
feed them! Feed them ideas so they know it is an equitable sort of
interchange.

So, that’s great! I think that’s great. We talked with Joseph


Matthews also, as part of this Program, and he has stressed the idea
of “Create opportunities everywhere”. And so I think that is a
little similar to what you’re saying.

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CARLOS: Yes. And I think a big part of that is the lowering of the “internal
perceived age”, too. I think there are a lot of guys and gals out
there running around with the idea that they are a lot older than
they really are. I mean, again, it IS just a number, right? And just
working on your own internal perceived age gets yourself to a
youthful image. You know, all those studies about age and the
perception of age, where people who thought of themselves as
being older than they actually were, tended to die earlier?

ADAM: Yes.

CARLOS: So, worthwhile to work on that internal age and internal clock.

ADAM: Yes, absolutely. I sometimes talk about that my age is thirty-


eighteen! Which makes me feel a little better!

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: And the other part of that - there are two other parts of that; and
we actually also cover this in the Program - one is really keeping
your body vitality up, keeping your muscle tone up. As you
probably know, you tend to lose muscle tone after forty; I think it
is a pound a year or something. So, to keep your muscle going, to
keep your metabolism up, to keep your vitality, your physicality,
going - it is much easier to follow your body, have your mind
follow your body, than have your body follow your mind.

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: The other half, of course, are some of the techniques and practices
have talked about in this Program about conditioning your mind to
feel fun, happy, young - and there is no reason not to do that right
into your sixties. By the way, I remember when I was hiking the
Himalaya, and a couple came along and they were sixty-five!

CARLOS: Wow!

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ADAM: And I was twenty-five at the time. And I said, “Wow! You guys
are absolutely an inspiration!” They were perfectly happy, healthy
people. So there is hope for us all!

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: But before we get to sixty-five, we have to pass a few other


landmarks. So, in your experience coaching people, what is the
trickiest part of dating - for men AND for women over thirty-five?
I think we know generally what it is for women - but particularly
for men; what do you think is the trickiest part?

CARLOS: Yes, I really believe it is that mental attitude part; it is that saying in
a positive and an abundant mindset. And it is just so… it is vital; it
is almost kind of a platitude and just one of those phrases you just
throw out there is to “Be positive” - but it is absolutely vital for
you to keep the person that you want in your life. Because that
discouragement and negativity creeps in when you start comparing
an absolute result, right? Which is what I think men AND women
do at this age bracket; is we start comparing ourselves to the thing
we have in mind, which is the goal: having one person in a loving,
committed relationship.

And then anything else feels like an immediate zero, right? There
seems to be like nothing in between. It seems very black and
white; either you have the goal or you are just “trying again” - and
why bother? You know, “This person is like all the rest… bla, bla,
bla” - you start to feel like you are in that pattern.

So it is a matter of kind of squeezing out I think a little bit of


satisfaction, even from the relationships that may not turn out to
be the long-term one; but getting what you want and what you
need from the “short-term discovery process” I think you would
have to call it, in between. Because, yes, I think people on the
whole know what they want a lot better, and they perceive -
mentally again - perception is that there are fewer people that are
going to fit that bill. And when you have that perception, you start
slipping more and more into scarcity mode.

And I read this truly interesting - I think it was an article - where


they talked about this whole thing, about this abundance mindset
and scarcity mindset. And the reason that human beings don’t
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have an abundance mindset is that, well, number one in terms of
evolutionary concerns it didn’t really suit us; but the other thing is
that abundance resolves itself. In other words, we develop with
mechanism to deal with scarcity, because scarcity has to be dealt
with. If you don’t feel like there are enough people out there for
you to meet, you have got to do something about it, to change that
situation. Whereas if it is an abundance, you don’t have to do
anything. Abundance kind of resolves itself. People disappear;
you don’t have to meet this… you don’t have to go out with this
person again - you know, it has a way of figuring itself out.

So, yes, the trickiest part of dating is really keeping the mental
attitude in the place where you can stay in the game long enough
and not fall into that pattern where… you know, I talk to so many
people where they go out, they meet a bunch of people, and they
get burned out - and they stop dating for a while. And then they
go back and do it again because they are starting to feel lonely, and
they feel an ache and a need. And then they start to get bitter and
negative again - and they jump back out of the pool.

So you have got to stay with it. There is a friend of mine that was
talking about this old man at her parents’ retirement home, who is
considered the old-guy “player” of the community.

ADAM: Right.

CARLOS: Yes, he’s got this charisma going. And they met him and he
apparently has been around with a lot of the ladies. And you
know, he is a desired guy; he is a wanted man - even at I think he is
in his late seventies/early eighties! And, you know, that is possible
for any guy at any age.

ADAM: So you are suggesting retirement home dating? Is that your next
product?

CARLOS: I have been hitting those pretty hard lately and you know what?
It’s turning out really good! I’ve got a collection of wigs, man,
that’s to die for!

ADAM: Well, you know, you kind of blew my mind there for a second
actually, when you talked about the difference between abundance
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and scarcity. We do this in our relationships. It is the old, you
know, “You don’t what you’ve got until it’s gone.” So I think,
especially after thirty-five, when you get into a relationship, like you
were saying, there is no pressing need - there is nothing to do…

CARLOS: Right.

ADAM: Except just to kind of relax and enjoy it. And I think men are
conditioned to be doing something and solving something; creating
something, accomplishing something.

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: And I have definitely seen this for myself; that, you know, once the
chase is over and once you have got somebody, suddenly it is not
that interesting.

CARLOS: Uhuh.

ADAM: Especially for the guys who have been dating for a long time; they
get kind of good at it or that becomes their comfort process - that
is what they do: they date. And it is kind of hard to make the
transition, I would think, into the abundance of actually having a
relationship that doesn’t need that kind of attention.

CARLOS: Yes that’s a good point.

ADAM: So it’s interesting to put that in the context of all human activity;
that abundance resolves itself so you don’t think you have to do
anything.

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: Scary thought!

CARLOS: A moment of silence for the scary thought!

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ADAM: Yes! Okay, so I like that. I like the idea of applying abundance
always to dating and relationships. Now, my perspective is a little
different than yours: I see it as a tremendously abundant time. My
perspective is you have double the dating pool: you can date
women down into the low twenties, thirties, forties - you have got
a pretty large dating pool. And the only thing that is stopping men
from doing that is setting their own limitations.

CARLOS: Exactly.

ADAM: And in terms of relationship, I think you are really on to


something; that we tend to get picky as we go forward, especially if
we have met a lot of women. How do you recommend us avoiding
being over-picky? Because one thing I have noticed is that it is
very much a competitive thing where people love to say, “Well I’m
really picky”, you know - both men and women.

CARLOS: Yes. There is artificial pickiness and there is real pickiness. There is
a good kind of pickiness, which is your qualification for the things
that you will or won’t want or desire in a relationship.

But then there is also the artificial pickiness, which is a lot of the
stuff that you don’t want to have just because you don’t want to
deal with it or don’t want to grow into the kind of person who
CAN deal with it, if you know what I mean.

So there are like certain things you imagine are an element of the
compatibility equation you have got set up for you and his possible
woman; and then, you know, there is a very distinct difference
sometimes. It is always perceptions, always attitude, as to whether
or not you could actually have a relationship with somebody, with
that.

You know, sometimes it is just intolerance, you know, and they


draw out - I don’t know if you have ever seen this - but they show
“intolerance” is over on the left side; and then a few inches to the
right is “tolerance.” And then WAY over on the right is
“understanding”! Because tolerance is not the same as
understanding. And I think that a lot of guys feel like they would
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tolerate certain things in a relationship - but that is not a true
element of compatibility for them.

You know, it comes down to what is it you are looking for?


Having those things defined and then making sure you are not
artificially hemming yourself into… it is really… it is redefining you
by the person that you imagine yourself being with. Does that
make sense?

ADAM: It does.

CARLOS: You are creating kind of a cast of who you are allowing yourself to
be, by creating this artificial image of the only woman you could
possibly have with that. And it is not always the same - as a matter
of fact it is rarely the same. It is like imagine what are the real
things that add up to true compatibility? Well, it is not the fact
that, you know, you both have to enjoy Led Zeppelin or something
like that. It is the attitudinal compatibilities that make for a long-
term success.

So just one of those things to throw out there is that, you know,
when we are trying to be picky in a good way, make sure it is
pickiness for the right things; that it is for attitude, for…

ADAM: For the big ones.

CARLOS: Yes. The things that are really important; not for the picky little
things that are just items you could check off on any online profile
- which is, again, sometimes a misleading part of that process as
well.

ADAM: I agree with you. I think those checklists can be really destructive.

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: Yes. I want to say one thing and then I want to ask you a little bit
more about the “reaching understanding”, because I know you
have an interesting take on the whole “He said/She said” dynamic
that goes on.
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But you pointed out that there is “intolerance”, and then a little bit
to the right is “tolerance”; and then WAY over to the right is
“understanding”. I am going to suggest there is another step,
which is past understanding - and it is really just past understanding
- because it is a switch you can flip in your brain. And that is
“cherishing”.

One of my favorite books - and I think it is essential; I have had


both of my sons read it, by the way, as teenagers - called (I’m a
tough Dad!) I had them read (I’m sure you know it) “Why Men
Don’t Listen And Women Can’t Read Maps.”

CARLOS: Oh yes, yes.

ADAM: By the Pease - the last name of the authors. And it is about
comparative neurology, and how women and men generally
process information really differently. And one of the great lessons
I got out of that book - and there is a follow-up book to it - is that,
you know, our brains are wired differently.

And it’s funny, I actually had a talk with my son this morning,
driving him to school - he is sixteen - and we were talking about
this. And I call it the “adorable pathetic”: adore what… yes, you
get it! Adore what you think is pathetic in your partner!

If a woman cannot figure out where the heck she is on the map if
she is driving, and she is absolutely lost - and it is so obvious to
you that you are going north, that is because our brains are actually
wired to take markers and find directions easily. We spent
hundreds of thousands of years hunting and wandering around,
and we are really good at that! They are really not really good at
that, mostly!

And we are pathetic at figuring out what is going on emotionally in


a room, right?

CARLOS: Yes.

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ADAM: We don’t know what they are feeling, we don’t know what their
friend is feeling; we often don’t know what we ourselves are
feeling! And we are pretty pathetic in a woman’s eyes!

And if you are going to get into a relationship, will come a time
where you are going to look at each other and go, “You’re just
pathetic! I can’t believe you can’t do this simple thing!”

And in my talk with my son this morning, I was saying “So many
fights come about around this. And the thing to do is to just adore
them, to cherish them. This is your woman, right? She is
SUPPOSED to be like this! So not only do you tolerate and try to
understand why she is processing things differently than you are -
you can actually cherish her for being, you know, the incarnation of
the Goddess. She is the feminine, she is the female. It is part of
the package.”

CARLOS: Right. Right.

ADAM: What we were talking about this morning specifically was track
record. And this is something… David Deida actually talks about
this really well. He says that men tend to forgive each other
because we note out track records with each other. So if we are
pals, and we are good to each other; and we take care of each
other, and help each other out - and then I forget to pick you up at
the airport or there is some way I let you down, you will probably
go, “You know, it’s okay. We’ve been pals a long time. I get it -
you probably made a mistake. No problem. It’s all good.”

Whereas generally - and this isn’t true for everyone - the feminine,
females, tend to live in the moment. And the emotional reality of
the moment feels like forever. And so it is really important, as a
man, to understand that; to cherish that and to find it adorably
pathetic that she can’t see logic. And in the talk - just as a side note
- with my son (it’s funny it happened to be today) I was saying
“Here’s two words you are never allowed to use in a relationship:
‘Never’ and ‘Always’, you know - because an unconscious woman
will say ‘You always do this!’ and you will immediately go into
argument mode.” And you will be right and she will be right -
because in the moment it will FEEL like you always do that.

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And he looked at me semi panicking and saying “Well, what do I
do?” And I said “Just tell her that you love her and you’re going to
try much harder. And then when she calms down, then you can
talk about, you know, the times when you didn’t do that thing.”

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: But it is REALLY important, like you are saying, to really go


beyond tolerance to really try to understand your partner; and even
take it a step further and take those moments as an opportunity to
just cherish them for being different. Because with all the stuff
that we think is pathetic comes all that delicious stuff that we can’t
bring. Right, that is the end of my rant!

CARLOS: Well, that’s funny you bring that up because I brought up


something similar to a friend of mine, you know - I said, “You
know, I think the secret...” (And again, I was purposely trying to do
the over-simplification) I said, “The secret to relationships is really
learning how to love the things that you probably hate about the
other person.”

ADAM: Yes.

CARLOS: And what it is, is just a method of understanding that you have that
choice of taking a difference and turning it into a reason to resist
the other person, or to separate you from the other person. Or
you can take it as something to embrace and - like you are saying -
cherish and go with. Because it is ego; it is this need to be different
and right that makes you want to turn that thing into a reason to
resent or have some contempt for that person. And that is the
seed of doom for every single relationship, is when you start
harboring that inner anger that festers and breathes inside you like
that. So, absolutely right on.

ADAM: Yes. That’s truly well said. That is the pulling away that you do to
protect yourself.

CARLOS: Exactly.

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ADAM: Yes, I absolutely get that. And this ties into your whole “He
said/She said” dynamic. And I know you have a lot to say about
this. So what can you tell us about what we can do about that?

CARLOS: Actually I don’t have a lot to say - I’ve already said it all. No! It is
the viewpoints that men and women have are where we get into a
lot of our communication and conflict and disagreement and all
that.

And you know, it is like… a friend of mine who I think you know -
Scott - went to Korea recently; and I guess he was looking over the
order or the DMZ, you know. It is the same thing that happens I
think with men and women when it comes to the ideals and the
theories and all the stuff around dating; is we are both kind of
stirring each other from opposite sides of a DMZ and we are not
coming to much agreement.

And what happens is, if you get somebody to pull you into that
DMZ a little bit, and to illustrate how the other side is perceiving it
- because by understanding the difference in viewpoints we both
(meaning men and women) get a magnified compassion for the
other side. Otherwise it just seems all so adversarial, right? You
know, women are on one side; men are on the other - and we just
don’t see alike; and we know that men are from Mars and women
are from Venus; and - damn it! - We are never going to be able to
go on the other planet! So just deal with it! We’re going to fight!
You know?

It doesn’t have to be that way. What I found was, when I worked


with a partner of mine, Andy Gleeson, on this, she provided some
of the female perspective; kind of that realism from looking out
from a woman’s eyes - and even though we both had been in the
DMZ so long (we are probably closer to the same viewpoint than a
lot of men and women we know) it still is always interesting
because she came from the north side of the DMZ where the
women live, and I came from the south side of the DMZ, where
the guys live.

And we provide that perspective to men and women, to


understand - because that is… really what we see is, when you take
two people that are pissed off with their dating situation (guys are
pissed off because “women are this”; and women are pissed off
because “guys are this.”) and you sit them down, and you give
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them figuratively a little bit of understanding from the other
perspective that they can really grasp and really, you know,
understand - and they go “Oh!” It leads to a certain amount, I
think, of letting go of the negativity that builds up again - that
anger, that resentment; that “There is nobody out there for me. I
can’t find anybody.” - That is the one I hear all the time is “I can’t
find anybody! As if all these single people are hiding under
refrigerator boxes in the alleys or something, you know? “I’m
hiding! I don’t want to be found!”

ADAM: You have to make a loud noise! That’s funny.

CARLOS: Yes. So that is the whole basis of the “He said/She said.” And
that is really what we do; it is a process that we use to kind of pull
men and women together again - not only in really but also
conceptually. If you are constantly sitting there in that self-justified
mode of “I’m…” - I forget what the actual term is; it is slipping me
now… but it is kind of like in politics when you are - oh, partisan!
Yes, partisan politics - when you are toeing the Party line and you
can’t think that there is this moderate place in between, where
people actually do agree! You know, there is a way to negotiate
that and to navigate that so that we do get the better success in
dating, success in attitudes; success in relationships.

ADAM: Yes. I mean, I think… I have a lot to say - boy! - about what you
just said! By coincidence, in this talk I had with my son this
morning, the other thing I recommended (he is sixteen, as I said)
“As you get into relationships, here are words that really should
never come out of your mouth: ‘You make me feel…’ or ‘You
made me feel…’”

CARLOS: Oh yes! That’s a good one.

ADAM: And I’m sure you know this - yes, after thirty-five you have got to
know this! You know, no-one… you can’t ever blame your partner
for making you feel anything. Any feeling you have is obviously an
internal process in your head. It is your choice how you are going
to process ANY kind of input. No matter how mean someone is
to you, it is your choice whether or not you are going to get upset
or not.

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CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: So you brought up this idea that people get very bitter over dating.
And I always resist it. I always resist when men bring up, “Oh,
women are this or that.” I say, “No they’re not! They are
wonderful, delicious, open, vulnerable, ready creatures, ready to
love! And they are everywhere! They are all over the internet
dating sites, they are all over Facebook - they are wherever you
walk in the world. It is just maybe you are not bringing yourself in
a way that they are responding to you. Maybe you are creating that
and trying to bring it back to them.”

And I do the same thing to women. You know, I wrote a book for
women for online dating, and I call it the “Okay Asshole!” profile
that you find - and you know exactly what I mean: it is like “Okay
Asshole - here’s the deal. I know you’re a player and I don’t want a
player. If you’re not serious then… If you’re really cheap, I don’t
want you!” How many emails do these women get? Well, if
they’re really hot they get a LOT of emails! But if they’re not really
hot, they get NO emails! And that is not universally true. They
immediately push men away by being bitter.

And I think guys do that in their talk with each other; when they
talk about “Ah girls… like this.” Or “Women over thirty-five are
too picky” or “Women under thirty are too dumb.” You know?
And they make up all these stories. And they focus, instead of
building up their own attractiveness by being a happy, directed guy
who is living a life full of curiosity, and boldness, and new
adventure, and new learning - where they are actually appealing to
women - their focus is outward, blaming other people. So I am
glad you brought up that idea of bitterness.

CARLOS: Yes the attitudinal side of this can be… it is so much easier - and it
always is easier - to self-justify and paint the picture of, “Well, I’ll
just fall back on my self-justified roll that women are all bitches and
that’s why they don’t want me. And I’m not going to change to
accommodate that.” And what it really is, is it a self-justification
for not working on yourself and not becoming a better person…

ADAM: Right.

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CARLOS: And not figuring out what buttons are being pushed, what triggers
are being pulled - all that stuff - to make you a better candidate out
there. That is what it call comes down to.

ADAM: So any time anyone who is listening to this program hears


themselves or one of their buddies put the blame on “women” as a
species; you know, as the other half - take a really serious note of
that and see how you can switch it around: how can I improve
myself in all the ways that we are talking about throughout this
program, such that I don’t attract those kinds of women, or at least
that part of women that I am meeting?

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: And really put the focus back on yourself and brining the best of
who you are; you know, really mastering all these things. And
exactly the things you are talking about, Carlos, the things that we
are both talking about, really are mastering your emotional
centeredness; not putting blame on others for your own feelings,
and really trying to understand the difference between men and
women.

I tell women, by the way - here is a little secret - I tell women in my


book for online dating to look out for any (I mean in a positive
way) to keep an eye out for men who have put time into trying to
understand the difference between genders and how to
communicate. I say that is a real marker of a real victory.

CARLOS: Yes, that’s a good point.

ADAM: And I say that men look for that from women.

CARLOS: Yes. That is a great metric, as we like to say.

ADAM: Yes! Thank you Mr. Scientist! No, it’s true. I said “That is one of
the victories that men very subtly look for” - and maybe not so
subtly. Sometimes unconsciously, when we read a woman’s profile
and she says, “I totally understand a man’s need to have time alone.
I totally respect that. I am not going to be all over you. I have my

62
own life too and whenever you need time, it’s yours.” I remember
the first time a woman said that to me, I didn’t know how to
respond - because I hadn’t had that before! She goes, “No, I
WANT you to go away fro two or three days!” I was like, “Really?
I can DO that?” you know? So I look for that when I am dating;
for a woman who really understands and has put attention on the
difference between men and women, what makes us happy.

One of the worst dating moments of my life was I met a woman


and she was fantastic; and she said something and I responded, and
she says “Aagh! That’s not how my girlfriends would respond!”
And I remember looking at her - and this was before I got into any
sort of the expertise of dating - and I remember looking at her and
saying, “I’m not a girl!” You know? It was kind of obvious. But
to have that pressure…

And it is the same for guys listening: as we get pickier and a little
more serious, we sometimes want a woman to act more like a man;
kind of like the song from “My Fair Lady.” So that seems to be a
theme of our talk today; is to really give honor and cherishment to
the things that make us crazy!

CARLOS: Yes, exactly.

ADAM: And a little different. Now, do you have particular thoughts on,
you know, particular kind of difficulty and bitterness or, you know,
mindset. A lot of men over thirty-five have been in long-term
relationships or are divorced. What advice do you have about
dating after divorce or a significant breakup?

CARLOS: After those kinds of situations I think a really important part of the
process that most people neglect is the recovery in “not dating”
mode where you literally just… not that you look at the opposite
sex with anger and fierce, you know, blame - but at the same time
there is a mourning process; there is a mourning process we have
to go through for any kind of loss. And that really demands…
your attitude demands this, your sense of independence demands
it.

Because what happens is if we get caught up in this what they call


the “monkey vine” method of dating, where you are always
swinging to the next vine and you are not giving yourself an
63
adequate recharge and recover time in between, is that you never
get that sense of internal stability and independent happiness; the
ability to please yourself; the ability to make your own life what you
want it to be - such that you can walk away.

Here is a great analogy - and I’m sure you know this one - there is
the… I think they call it - for lack of a better term - “Fuck You
Money.” It is a store of money that you keep in your bank account
that allows you to just say, “Screw you!” to any employer if you feel
like leaving, right?

ADAM: Right.

CARLOS: So few people have that kind of reserve set aside. So what happens
to their attitude? Well, you know, they are in a job and, yes,
somebody is pissing them off, and the job isn’t good; and they
know they probably shouldn’t be there. But they start to
rationalize. They HAVE to rationalize because if they don’t stay
there in that job they are not going to be able to make the rent
payment; and it doesn’t make sense - and, “Well, it’s not so bad
here. I guess I could make it a little bit longer. If worse comes to
worse I’ll start looking for another job.” But they never do.

So they lack that internal reserve to give themselves a healthy


attitude and be able to walk away from a job. Even if it is the
greatest job in the world, they don’t have a good perspective.

ADAM: Right.

CARLOS: And it is the same thing with their attitude and dating; you know,
guys don’t spend the time - and I know a lot of women do this too,
especially - where they don’t spend the time they need to, to build
up that “Screw You!” sense of attitude of, “You know, I can walk
away from any relationship”. Because that attitude, having the
ability to feel that way and do that, is actually more attractive to the
opposite sex - as long as it is not done in any kind of vindictive
way. But I think that is very important.

ADAM: I think you may have invented a very strange new term.

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CARLOS: What’s that?

ADAM: Which would be “Fuck You Celibacy!”

CARLOS: Yes! It’s kind of contradictory, in its own way!

ADAM: And another thing, by the way - and I’d love to hear what you have
to say about this - the opposite is also true; which would be “Fuck
You” - I don’t know what the word is - “debauchery” where I
think a lot of men (and I think this is actually a serious thing) get
angry with women because they are not having sex. I think there
are whole cultures, by the way, in the world that are suffering from
this. Aha! And I think men tend to get angry at women when they
are not feeling sexy or having any sex. And one way to get over
that anger, of course, is to have a lot of sex!

So, oddly enough, you get that kind of - for lack of a better term -
“Fuck You” attitude, meaning “I’m not needy!” by actually having
a lot of sex and then you can sort of take a deep breath and just be
normal again. So, oddly, at both ends you kind of blow off the
extremes so you can just be relaxed in the middle.

CARLOS: Yes. Yes, that’s a good point.

ADAM: Yes. Strange concept. You have another interesting phrase that
you use: you talk about the football metaphor, about how guys
date - and I want you to say something about that too.

CARLOS: Yes, this should lend a little clarity. I use this with women and they
are always like they nod their heads and they are like, “Oh yes! That
is so... that is exactly it.” The football metaphor is something I
came up with kind of on-the-fly when I was at a coaching
conference here in San Francisco, where I was talking to a bunch
of women who were having the toughest time understanding how
guys relate to and manage their own dating lifestyle.

And I said, “You know what? Guys date like football plays. You
know, they start at the twenty-yard line; they are trying to get every
ten yards; they are trying to get a First down. When the next goal
is met, they are happy because they have got another chance for
65
the next one. They keep marching towards the end zone: small
plays, big plays, quarterback sneak; the occasional “Hail Mary!”
when they try and get you back to their apartment on the first
night. Touchdown is sex or marriage or whatever.

Guys are just built into this very quantitative mental state when it
comes to dating. We want to know where we stand, with very
tangible goals.

ADAM: Yes.

CARLOS: And “that we are where we think we are” I think is a big part of it.
I think guys don’t want to be deluding themselves into thinking
they are in a certain place with a woman and then finding out later
on that we are not, when we are standing on the shaky ice.

You know, women have their own system, which is similar - but it
is more of an emotional state thing. They know when they are in a
good set of up-and-down cycles with a guy that that is the kind of
rhythm that they dig on. Guys, on the other hand, we are looking
for those yard markers on the sidelines and the next ten yards,
plugging away.

ADAM: So what is the downside of that?

CARLOS: The downside is that it is the old “Journey for the destination.” I
think that a lot of guys aren’t experiencing the fun of the plays; the
fun of having a really… Just to draw this metaphor out a little bit
longer than it needs: I used to love watching those video tapes that
they used to have - that I guess “Sports Illustrated” used to give at
some point - where they showed all the craziest plays of the season;
you know, where a guy would tip the football off of his elbow and
then the opposite team grabbed it, but he tripped over some guy’s
shoelaces and then…. It was just ridiculous plays - but they are so
fun to watch in slow motion!

THAT is the joy that I think a lot of guys miss out on by focusing
too much on the quantitative goals. They don’t see that fun… the
fun in the flub-ups, and the cool things that happen when, man,
you are too geared towards “Got to get that ball across that line!”

66
ADAM: Yes. I mean, a couple of things crossed my mind as you were
saying that. I have always used the… I have always tried to
temper… a lot of guys come to me with almost like a war or battle
metaphor for women, where you have to “conquer” them.

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: And what I try to move them into is a metaphor of dance.


Because it IS a dance. It’s fun! Sometimes you are moving that
way, sometimes she is moving this way - and you try to create
something beautiful. And there is going to be awkward - like, you
know, those flubs - there are going to be awkward times. And
again, you have got to celebrate those too. You are going to trip;
she is going to trip. You can blame her for tripping, or you can
laugh and know that you are going to trip one day too.

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: It is letting go of… I think what you are really talking about - and it
is one of the nice things about getting a little older, as we start
detaching from our accomplishment ego - which is to enjoy life a
little more and detach from results, and enjoy the journey.

And I remember - I have heard these things all my life and I always
thought they were bullshit! I always said, “Oh, these are just
people who are losers; who don’t’ want to achieve anything!” But
what you actually gain is joy in the process.

CARLOS: Yes, the ability to… the detachment aspect is just so important;
that we don’t get so attached. And I think that is part of the
getting older process, is we realize how many things really just
don’t fricking matter! And really …

ADAM: Yes!

CARLOS: And we are more focused on these things we thought were so


serious now are like, “What the hell was that all about?” you know?
You’ve got to let go of it.
67
ADAM: Right. The moment counts - not necessarily the future goal. But
let’s make this practical.

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: I mean, again, we still want success. Part of success is really


enjoying the moment as it unfolds, and enjoying the dance of the
sexes; just enjoying this dance of meeting and… you know, maybe
there is something wrong with our culture - but I think cultures (I
am thinking of the Italian culture, I am thinking of the Latin
American culture) really understands that it is a fun thing! It is
supposed to be a dance! There is not this “Protestant work ethic”
about, you know, “You’ve got to score! You’ve got to get a
telephone close tonight!” And everything is measured…

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: Especially men who look for help from dating teachers; you know,
start getting to this whole metrics of, you know, “I’ve got to get
five numbers a night!” - this kind of thing. And it become so
results-oriented, it just takes all the fun and sort of natural joy out
of the process.

But, given all that, I mean, you are a coach, you have a lot of good
strategies - what is one solid strategy someone in the age bracket of
say thirty-five to forty-five or fifty can put into play right now, to
just generally increase their success in dating?

CARLOS: I will give you one that is really good - and it is going to sound a
little disconnected from dating, but the net effect on your brain
and your emotional state is just so important. And it comes from
an actual productivity thing - I can’t remember the book I read, it
was a while back; I think it may have been the book “Getting
Things Done” or something like that - but what they were talking
about was the psychological burden that we have of just trying to
remember stuff and just trying to keep stuff in our brain. And the
technique that came out of this was what I call “The Scrape.” And
it sounds pretty horrible but it is actually not as painful as it might
be.

68
You know, memories, and especially physical possessions, they
carry a LOT of emotional weight. We often don’t realize how
much our stuff and our emotional state can just weigh on us and
how much they actually burden you. And you need to go through
every part of your life right now, where you are carrying around
this baggage - and I am talking about literal baggage, in a very
concrete sense; starting with things like pictures, objects with
shared memories.

It is like we have been talking about over and over in Eastern


philosophy, Buddhism - you name it - there is this theme of
attachment and detachment. Attachment is like having barnacles
on your ship. If you are able to lift that ship out of the water - and
some of you have seen these pictures of them - you see all this
unnecessary drag on the hull where these barnacles and these weird
growths have attached themselves to the hull of the ship.

And the same exact thing happens to anybody that has been
around for a few years. And you have got to scrape your hull every
so often; get rid of stuff that you used with other people; other
women in your life. Get rid of the sheets, get rid of the kitchen
utensils, get rid of the pillows - and literally scrape them out
physically.

And then scrape them out mentally. Get rid of the physical stuff
and then ask yourself, “Okay, mentally what kind of barnacles have
I got going on here?” If you have got some anger, ask yourself if
you can let it go. If not, when do you plan to let this go? Because it
is basically burdening you.

Adam, you are familiar with the Sedona method aren’t you?

ADAM: Yes I am. And it is so funny that you - I am actually holding the
book in my hand! “The Sedona Method: Your Key to Lasting
Happiness, Success, Peace and Emotional Wellbeing” by Hale
Dwoskin. And it’s funny because I have been reading it! And we
have not talked about this, by the way, Carlos and I! It is a
fantastic book!

CARLOS: Yes!

69
ADAM: So why don’t you give a quick overview of this method of how to
release?

CARLOS: Yes, the technique that is given in the book, it is very, very simple.
And it is one of those things that they could have put in a
pamphlet and you would be like “Oh wow!” - but by giving lots
and lots of examples and lots of kind of interrogative
understanding of how the technique works, they can explain a little
bit more fully.

But it is really a simple process. It is what I have been talking


about here, which is you have got to figure out why you are
holding onto stuff; because it is this attachment to constantly
ruminating on things - even positive things. This is another thing
that they brought up in the book I thought was really, really
amazing. I mean, yes, we know that holding onto negative things is
bad. But they also talk about how holding on to even positive
moments can be bad - because you are not giving yourself room to
experience NEW positive things. It becomes something that you
hold onto as like a security blanket or your own little “snuggy” you
know, that you can’t let go of because it is the only good happy
moment you have got in recent memories - so you are going to
hang onto that bad boy!

And you have got to be able to release these things. And the
process of releasing - and not without… it has been a while since I
read the book - but very simplified process is you have got to ask
yourself, “Is this something that I can let go of?” When you have
identified something that is burdening you; that is holding you
back. Maybe it is your anger at a certain woman because when you
divorced her she has been on your… you know, you have been in
court for three years (and I actually have a friend like this, by the
way, who has actually been in court for over seven years and just
trying to get his house, and trying to get separated from this
woman who hasn’t even given up his name - it is just ugly!)

And of course you are going to have a little bit of burden from this.
You are going to have a lot of emotional weight. And you have got
to ask yourself, “Okay, can I let this go right now?” Because the
answer might honestly be “No.” You might not be able to. It
might be something that you are literally just too attached to in the
moment.
70
But by identifying it and realizing, “Hey, this is something I am
choosing to hold onto”, it gives you less of a feeling that you are
handcuffed to it and more of a feeling that it is something that is
sitting in your hands and if you really wanted to, you can just open
your hands and drop it. That gives you, again, it gives you back
your choice.

And then ask yourself, “Well, if I can let it go, let it go. If I can’t let
it go, when do I plan on doing that?” And then you start to think
of it in totally different terms than you used to before; you start to
think of the pain or the, as they say, what was it? “Pain is
mandatory but suffering is optional.” Suffering is that mental
feeling of pain that we go through. It is the pain that we put
OURSELVES through.

So by letting go of things and understanding that you always have


that choice - it is just you not wanting to give it up; whether it is
because you are identified with your pain and that becomes your
story, or your identity; or for whatever reason - you have got to let
it go someday.

So, a quick synopsis on that. But that is really the underlying


concept that I am talking about when I am talking about
“scraping”. It is like the hard sound of… actually it is probably
closer to like when you have to take off a sticker from your car and
you have got to use a razor to do it, you know? It is a slow
process; there is all that gum and adhesive; you keep spraying it
with Windex - but you know what? When you keep plugging away
at it, you get this really interesting sense of accomplishment, having
gotten rid of that thing, and the unbelievably clean class that is
underneath once that thing is gone. It is the same feeling for your
attitude.

ADAM: You could also just torch the car.

CARLOS: You could hit it with a whole lot of Molotov, man!

ADAM: By the way, if anyone is interested, it is actually


http://www.Sedona.com - and they give workshops. I believe it is
actually in Sedona, Arizona…
71
CARLOS: I think so.

ADAM: And I have friends who are coaches who have gone multiple times
to this workshop. And it is actually on my list of things to do. So
if anyone feels - as I have, by the way, in the past after going
through a divorce - that they have difficulty letting go of feelings,
anger, victimization - whatever it is - if you have gone through a
divorce, if you have gone through a long-term relationship and you
have strong feelings; and when you ask yourself that question, “Is
this something I can let go?” this is a great place to go and practice
that.

And I will be honest, there were, in the beginning, there were times
when I would say, you know, “Is this something I could let go?”
and I would say, “No! I am going to enjoy this feeling of anger.”
You know? And my then therapist, who also happened to be a
Zen Buddhist, a Priest, said, “Yes, you need to practice feeling
angry. You have suppressed it for so long. You have tried so hard
to make the marriage work.” And that kind of there me for a loop,
because I thought “being good” meant suppressing my anger.

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: So it is really important to understand what is coming up and then


what you can do with it. So, http://www.Sedona.com - it is called
“The Sedona Method”. You can get the book; you can go to the
Workshop. If you have got really strong attachments to past pain,
I highly recommend you go check that out. And that is the
Workshops. And that is because I have very good friends who
have gone through that system.

Awesome that we are reading the same stuff Carlos! Even though
I am five years behind you!

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: But these are some of the great tools. And there is another tool I
recommend, by the way - and there is a bunch - there is a book
called “Loving What Is” - do you know that one?
72
CARLOS: Ah, I have not actually read that one.

ADAM: By Byron Katie. She also has a four-step (interestingly enough)


process to really look at what is happening in the moment, and to
access choice; so that you can choose how you are going to
respond rather than just react.

And I think that is really the theme of this whole Program of


Dating after Thirty-Five: coming into your Kingship, coming into
your Mastery, coming into your full integrated, grownup Man
means being a master of the choices you make. And those are
emotional choices as well as choices out in the world. So this is
really core to everything we are talking about.

ADAM: Definitely.

ADAM: Let me see. Let me ask you a couple more questions - we have a
little it more time and I want to drag everything out I possibly can!
Your whole “Find, Connect, Keep” method - if you could just say,
you know, how do you put this into action, and what can a person
expect to pull out of that, after a couple of months of cleaning up
their dating?

CARLOS: Well, you know - I don’t want to get all grandiose - but first of all,
we will get you to a point with this concept where you can feel first
of all liberated from a lot of the baggage - because I can say that
has been a big part of our discussion here and that is what comes
out in a lot of the stuff that we have been teaching in the Program
- is that you have got to free yourself from a lot of the
preconceived notions, the self-limiting beliefs, the barnacles on
your hull.

And then second of all, when it comes to that, is you need a


concrete game plan for progress - and that is something else you
will learn in the Program - to give you the detail, that you can feel
like you have something definite. Because I think a lot of guys
(and I think it is especially true with men) but also women have
this feeling of not knowing what their plan really is; they are kind
of going at it haphazardly when it comes to dating. They don’t
have a really well thought-out strategy. And it sounds like it is
73
almost anal - but you know what? Having it put in concrete terms
takes a lot of the unknown out of it. And the unknown is really
what the human nervous system is so afraid of. That is the thing
we fear the most, is the unknown, the thing we can’t pin down.

So when we start to - it is not in a romantic concept - but at the


same time being able to create a strategy is something that a lot of
guys will want to have for their dating; so having a good game plan.

And then third is to fix that attitude and inner game so that you
feel like this process of dating when you are maybe older, or after a
divorce; and you have got to get back out there in the field - you
can feel like the process isn’t so cumbersome and painful. And
that is really a bigger part of it too, because of the amount of things
you are going to run out there is beyond anybody’s ability to
predict.

I remember there is a great line in the movie “Contact” with Jodie


Foster, where they are giving her this… they are getting her
prepared to go through that machine into whatever dimension; and
they give her a pill that is basically a suicide pill. And she is like, “I
am basically getting geared up to go billions of miles just so I can
commit suicide?” and the guy looks at her and says, “We are giving
you this not because of what we can think will happen but because
of what we can’t think might happen.”

And I was like, “Wow! That’s kind of a trippy concept!” But


having the right attitude gives you the sense that, “You know what?
I can deal with whatever that is - the stuff that I can’t repeat now,
that’s fine. I’m on a very level, even-keel ship that I don’t feel is
going to be shaken too much by unexpected storms.”

So keeping that process and the attitude is just I think so


important, because every guy I have talked to in this age group that
is feeling like he has reached the end of his rope, burnt out, just
disgusted - whatever it is; it is all attitudinal and it all comes from
not having a really good, solid strategy for keeping himself out of
that hopper of misery, you know?

ADAM: Hopper of misery!

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CARLOS: Yes. It came off the tongue!

ADAM: You make it sound appealing! So you are saying you have a
specific game plan for increasing one’s dating success? An
actual… what is that - a coaching program, or…?

CARLOS: Yes. We do a step-by-step, to get men and women… the target of


the Program was first of all to communicate these differences in a
way so that both sides understood it well enough that they would
be able to feel a little bit liberated of some of the anger and angst;
and then take that newfound energy reserve which was kind of
hiding under a smothering pile of “I hate myself and I hate the
other sex!” and jump right back in the game and be able to execute
a plan.

ADAM: This is your “He aid/She said” Program?

CARLOS: Yes. It’s a tongue-twister! You can’t seem to roll that one out!

ADAM: Io had trouble!

CARLOS: I mean, that is… the name of the actual Program itself is yet to be
really determined as we are in the production stages right now. But
I will give more information about that. It is more about just
dating for adults, basically. And when I say “adults” I mean it in
the positive sense of the word, you know?

ADAM: Got you! Well, we will let everybody know as soon as you have
that, when it is ready. And we will also have it, just for future
reference, we will always have it up - because I am sure it will be
great. I have seen the beginnings of it. And Carlos always does a
great job in really teasing out the problems and solutions - at
http://ACILife.Com/Carlos. And you know, I will probably put
up your other Programs too, there because everything you have
done is great.

You had a great Program - I think it was a couple of years ago - on


conversation and rapport, which I think everybody should listen
to…

75
CARLOS: Oh yes, my Conversation Program.

ADAM: Again, really detailed and well thought-out.

CARLOS: Well this Program, if guys and gals want to get more information
on it, you can get more information right now at
http://Prime.CarlosXuma.com - that is “Prime” as in “You are at
your fricking prime!” .Carlos.Xuma.com. No “www” - just
http://Prime.CarlosXuma.com.

ADAM: Okay, excellent. Carlos I want to thank you. Is there anything else
you want to tell before we cut out - because I think we both have
to go - anything you want to add that is useful for guys over thirty-
five? Big mistakes they are making? Great opportunities they don’t
know about? Something they don’t know that women tell you
because you coach women also? One great pearl of wisdom?

CARLOS: A great pearl of wisdom. You know, I think that people in this age
- and I hate… I kind of feel this internal reluctance to say ‘age
bracket’ because it doesn’t seem to always apply - but I think that
when you get a little bit older you feel like, you know, you are no
longer at the kids’ table at Thanksgiving, right? That’s where we
were when we were out there, having a good time; not really caring
if the person is anywhere near compatibility - hell, we might even
have married them but we didn’t realize until later on it was the
wrong thing to do! And now you are off the kids’ table and you
are at the grownup table. And it feels like, well, it’s not as fun.

But the attitudinal thing that we have been talking about


throughout this conversation, this discussion - so that, you know, if
you are a guy out there you can feel like an old man player still in
his eighties out there, just whooping it up, having a good time,
collecting blue wigs - whatever it is! Having a good old time! It
really is the core essence of dating - at any age. It is just keeping
yourself from falling into the “hopper of misery”.

ADAM: The “hopper of misery!” Yes. I will never forget that!

CARLOS: There you go!

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ADAM: Yes! And I mean, step out of the hopper of misery into the fields
of actually having a great time!

CARLOS: Yes.

ADAM: And loving your life! And I don’t know… I don’t know if it is a
California thing -but I was just on the East Coast for ten days, this
last week. It is a different world. I think people here - and again,
big generalization and please write to me if I am wrong - but
people here seem to take it as natural that you are going to try crazy
new things; that you are here to explore and you are here to
experiment and travel to weird places, and try new dance, you
know, Salsa and Tango - it is just normal to just do new things and
to experiment. Whereas I find on the East Coast people are much
more locked into their old ways. That is my perception. I could be
wrong.

But there is nothing more attractive, I believe, in a man - from my


experience of dealing with thousands of men at this point, and
hundreds of women coaching - than a man who is “on fire”, who
is really excited and lit-up about life.

CARLOS: Definitely.

ADAM: And ultimately it is - yes, going back to the core of what you were
saying - it is your choice. It is always your choice in what you
create out of your life.

So, to learn more about Carlos and his really great products,
programs, trainings, check out http://ACILife.Com/Carlos - and
we will dig out whatever else you have Carlos; I think it is all great
stuff. So thanks so much for joining us today.

CARLOS: You bet, man!

ADAM: Yes. And I wish everybody a happy, joyful life - in breaking out of
anything that is holding them back. So go out and scrape some…
carnivores! No! Go out and scrape some barnacles! I’ll see you
later Carlos.

CARLOS: Alright! Bye-bye.

ADAM: Bye-bye.

***
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Learn New Sexual Skills – Alex Allman

ADAM: Welcome! Today I am talking to a very good friend of mine, and


someone who has a lot to say - so I am going to really pump you
on this one because I know how much you have to offer! He is a
good friend of mine; we hang out together. He is really a master at
changing his life and living the life he loves. We have kind of a
similar background; we have both been writers in Hollywood in the
past - and I want to welcome Alex Allman.

ALEX: Hey, how are you Adam? I can’t believe you “outed” me as a
Hollywood writer - unbelievable!

ADAM: Well, we both have that nefarious background! You are not just a
Hollywood writer; I mean, well, what people don’t realize about
being a writer, a really good writer, is that you really have to
understand people. And one thing I love about your work - you
are the author of “Revolutionary Sex”, correct?

ALEX: Yes.

ADAM: And you are the author of a really interesting Program called
“Passionate Lover, Passionate Life” - is that correct, or is it the
other way around?

ALEX: “Passionate Lover, Passionate Life”, yes.

ADAM: And this is why Alex and I really are on the same path; because we
both know, we are both old enough, we are both in our let’s call
them “significant forties” - a new term; I just made it up! - We are
both old enough to know that, you know, you cannot separate your
love life or your sex life from your actual life.

Now Alex, I tell you, I got a little Facebook chat this morning from
a guy in Malaysia, you know, who said, “Hi Adam! I read your
stuff!” And I said “Thank you”, and he said “Can I ask you a
question?” and I said, “Yes”; and he goes, “How do I get more
women into bed?”

Like twenty-four years’ old! And I said, “Be an admirable man”.


And he wrote back and he goes “Well how do I do that’”; and I
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said “Well first of all, get my book ‘Deep Attraction Online’ and it
will take you through what is it to be an attractive man, and how to
convey it”… But it is amazing to me that someone could even ask
that question and expect an answer in a Facebook chat!

I think you and I both know that it is how you live your life. And
there is something about vibrancy. You are one of the most
vibrant people. When you look at you, I mean, clearly you work
out - you are not a muscle guy but you have an amazing physique
and energy - and before we get into anything else, let’s get into that.
What do you do?

ALEX: Before we say anything else, these folks need to see me with my
shirt off! I think that should be…

ADAM: Well maybe we can post a picture! But it’s true! I mean, you
really… you have the body of like a guy in his young thirties, I
would say; or even late twenties! You have an amazing physique.
But it is not just the physique - you are energetic. So why don’t
you give us some tips? Because I think… look, I am going to
quote my son. When my son was fourteen and he was watching
“Mystery Speak”, we wandered into a seminar and he said, “Dad,
what’s wrong with these guys? It’s not that hard! You get a plastic
surgery, go to the gym, and get a puppy. That’s the secret, right?”
Age fourteen!

And the second part - go to the gym - is really important! And


guys are saying, “Well, how do I meet women?” Well, yes, you
have got to be fit! And you tell women the same thing. So what
are some of your quick secrets about having a really lean,
impressive physique and body energy?

ALEX: Well, I strongly recommend that you get born with the right
genetics first of all - that is a big, big help! And the truth is - I
mean, I can’t lie, a lot of it is genetics in my case; I have good genes
- but I also care about fitness. And it is funny because obviously I
came onto this phone call as “The author of ‘Revolutionary Sex’”,
thinking we were going to talk a lot about sex; and we go right into
my gym habits! But I do talk about this a lot. Because being in
shape does so much more for you than give you a nice-looking
body. A nice-looking body is good; I mean there is nothing wrong
with a nice-looking body. And masculine strength is a huge turn-

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on; it is nice to be able to pick your woman up and kind of throw
her on the bed; and she can feel that; and she gets to touch you,
and you’re hard - and all that stuff is good.

But more than that is it really does affect your psychology. And for
me, I can remember a lot of times, particularly when I was a writer
in Hollywood, when things weren’t going so well for me
professionally, or at other times in my life when things maybe
weren’t going well socially, but there are certain things you can
really control in your life - and one of them happens to be your
health. And if you think that you can’t control that, good luck
trying to control your relationship, because now you have got a
dynamic system that other people are involved - you know, there is
this woman, and she doesn’t necessarily agree with everything that
you like in life. But you can really take control of yourself.

And it is a great place to start, I think, and a place where you can
learn a lot about yourself. If you make a commitment, that you are
going to show up at the gym at, you know, whatever your
commitment is - for me it is 6pm, and yours might be 6am - but if
you can make a commitment to yourself to show up to the gym
and you actually do show up, that is significant.

And you can change your body; you know, you can actually change
your genetic destiny. You can get in there and you can do stuff.
And so there is this sense of honoring commitments that you make
with yourself. And if you take your life seriously - and you ought
to because you are not likely to get another one that you
remember, you know, even if you believe in reincarnation - this is
your life. And I think that your life merits your serious attention. I
think it merits you saying, “Hey, I’m not half-assing my OWN
life!”

You know, all you have is this life and the attention - you know,
wherever you put your attention in life, that’s it! That is all you are
going to see and that is all you are going to have. And there was a
long, long period of time before you were born. And you just
weren’t around! You weren’t part of history. And guess what?
There is going to be a long, long period of time after you die. You
are here for this little sliver in the middle. This is you. And you
ought to take it seriously. And taking it seriously, I think it
behooves you to take your health seriously; to put good food into
your body, and to get good exercise.

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And the final thing I want to say about it, which I think is the most
important part - kind of saving the best for last - is that being in
good physical condition, and getting to the gym, releases various
hormones in your brain that make you a happier person, and a
more masculine person, and a person who feels more in control of
things.

And we all know - I just really want to hammer home how


important these brain chemicals are - we all know that on some
days we feel a lot of anxiety and we feel like things are kind of
crappy; and on other days we just feel like we are “on”, and the
game is beautiful, and everything is great. And what has changed
from one day to the other usually is nothing at all; it has nothing to
do with anything that is exterior to us - it is just our hormones and
brain chemistry. And you really get to improve your brain
chemistry by showing up at the gym.

So, yes, I guess I had something to say about that!

ADAM: It is, yes. And it’s funny; we’re very similar - I often talk about our
short period of life here. And I also did a lot of research on
Candace Pert’s work on brain chemistry back when I was doing a
project on humor; how just laughing literally affects your brain
chemistry and makes you happier.

It is really important to laugh. It is really important to be happy.


And when your body is confident and vibrant, you feel more
confident and vibrant. And it is not just psychological - it is
chemical.

And I like to use the words “vibrancy” and “vitality” because it is


not about muscle, per se, for most guys. But I find that women
often say, when I ask them, “Well, what attracted you to me?” and
they say, “Well you seemed so happy”, you know? And I have
seen it happen with some of our friends, some of the people you
know - just put out a happy energy. And people want to be around
happy people. As well they should.

Any quick tips on food; on how you eat?

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ALEX: Brocoli!

ADAM: Ha ha! You’re my mother!

ALEX: Dude, I eat a lot of green vegetables. And there is a process that
happens where, when you make the decision… no this is… I have
got to get into something a lot deeper than this - and you are going
to like where I am going.

ADAM: Okay.

ALEX: We decide that we are the kind of guy that works out or the kind of
guy that sits on the couch and eats Doritos. We decide that. And
then we think, “Oh, this is who I am. I am a guy who drinks Dr.
Pepper and eats Doritos. That’s who I am. I am that guy.” And
we begin to build a persona around that. And it becomes our
excuse: “Why aren’t you in shape?” “Oh because I’m the guy that
drinks Dr. Pepper and eats Doritos - that’s who I am!” “You
don’t want to…?” “I’m just being authentic to me! I’m being
authentic!”

Now it turns out that that is a crock of shit! That you get a default
identity that you didn’t really form yourself, but was largely formed
by your peers and your parents and, you know, what got you what
you wanted in life, and what didn’t get you what you wanted - and
various things happen. It is a very, very random process.

It is like your elementary school friends: it was kind of a small pool


of people there and you kind of, you know, whoever you sat next
to probably ended up like your first friend. They are “default”
friends. But you get to choose your friends much more wisely as
an adult. You get to choose your identity, too.

The reason that I love broccoli and green vegetables is because


somewhere along the line I made a decision that I am a healthy guy
- and I am THAT guy. I am that guy; I am that weirdo that likes
broccoli better than ice cream! And it is not just a question of
taste. I GET that ice cream tastes good; and I get that broccoli
tastes good - and they both taste good to me! But one of them I
have some kind of an emotional identity… I just made a decision
on that guy. And it really is that simple. It really is an identity-level
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thing. Well, I shouldn’t say “It is that simple” - it is “that
complex.”

But you actually have the ability to make these changes. And until
you do, you are not going to like broccoli better, you know? But it
is not a taste bud decision. It really isn’t. It really is a decision
based on your ability to decide who you are going to be.

And you get to! That is the incredible thing - is you really do get
to! And learning that; waking up to that possibility that, “Oh, I get
to DECIDE who I am!” is the most powerful moment in life. I
mean, when you wake up to that you realize how infinite your
potential is.

ADAM: I love that. And you know, when men write to me, when I talk to
men - who are mostly in their forties - who feel like, “Oh God it’s
too late. I’m going to have to settle for, you know, a woman who
is bitter…” I have heard this! Like, “I’m going to have to settle” -
it is an attitude that “I am really, really fucking against this whole
Program.” And again, it is the decision you make today: “Who am
I going to be?”

There is nobody telling you who you have to be. There is no


teacher, there is no parent; there is no Government program that
says, “This is your identity.” And you know, you say this over and
over, until one day you just kind of wake up and go, “Oh, I get to
be whatever I want!” It is like a kid dressing up for Halloween:
“I’m going to be Superman! Here’s what I’m doing - I’m putting
on a cape”, right? It is really that simple.

ALEX: Yes. Well, you know, of course I want to… may I dig even a little
deeper into this? Can I go down this road? Because this is
something that is really, really important to me.

ADAM: It may be too deep for me - but go ahead.

ALEX: Okay. Well you were just talking a little bit about my “Passionate
Lover, Passionate Life” Program - and it is kind of the center of
that Program; basically just the basic overview of it is that you can
use almost anything in life as your “exercise machine for becoming

83
a better you.” It could be your career; and it could be, you know,
climbing Mount Everest. It could be anything.

Very often it is your relationship. And relationships are


enormously difficult; to have a really beautiful, exquisite, loving
relationship requires an unbelievable amount of attention, and
work, and commitment to keeping it in that space. And really
believing in the fun of doing that - in the same way I guess that
somebody who climbs Everest believes somehow that there is
pleasure in THAT pain, you know; that there is really something
worth that commitment.

And so “Passionate Lover, Passionate Life” basically says “Let’s


take sex and figure out how to be passionate in this place; and then
use that to enrich our entire life, and figure out how to use that as
the vehicle to grow into being a more powerful man” - the aim of
“Passionate Lover, Passionate Life”, right?

So the kernel of this whole thing - I am just going to give away the
whole thing - the kernel of this whole thing is this process of
deciding who you are going to be and making this transformation.

Now, on the one hand it is easy, because all you have to do is


decide to do it - you know, that is why we are saying “You know,
it’s easy! You really can be anybody you want - just put on the
cape!” On the other hand, on the other hand, if we are not just
pretending - because now, we all get that there is a way to be
authentic and a way to just pretend; I mean, you can pretend to be
a certain kind of guy when you are with a woman, and it is not
authentic; and at some point she may wake up to the fact that that
is not who you really are. So that kind of flies in the face of this
idea of “You can be whoever you really want.”

So what is really going on here? And the thing that makes it


complex is that to really become somebody else; to really get what
you want in life, you need to become the person that gets that
thing; and to really become that person means not just becoming
that person but killing off the old person, killing off who you were.

And this is a natural process that happens through our life. And if
you really stop and you think about it for a minute - whoever is
listening to this - if you really stop and think about this, you know
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you are not the same person you used to be. You don’t have the
same tastes; I mean, you probably used to like, I don’t know, Mr.
Rogers or Dungeons and Dragons - whatever you used to be into -
I don’t know what you were into but you are not into that now in
all likelihood. If you look back at who you were ten years ago you
will see that in many, many ways you are a different person. There
are pieces of you that died off; you didn’t need them any more.
And new pieces were acquired.

Now, taking conscious control of this is what I am talking about.


But being able to, in that moment, say, “I AM going to be this cool
guy”, so that later she doesn’t go, “Oh it turns out he is not really
that cool - he was deceiving me; he wasn’t being authentic.” Well,
that second part is killing off who you were. And that is a
profoundly scary thing to do. It is terrifying to kill off who you
were and those parts of you that weren’t serving you, because if
you are not that, then what are you?

And the feeling is very similar to the feeling of death: you get that
kind of like almost like panicky feeling that you would have, you
know, leaning out way over a cliff. There is this sense of, “Wait a
minute! If I am not going to be me, what did I look like? How is
that going to be?” And your ego gets freaked out!

And there is this moment where it can all turn around. And it is
the death of that little piece that you didn’t need. And it turns out,
as scary as it is approaching it, the moment you have actually made
the decision and crossed that line and you have decided to be a
new person, it is easy; it turns out to be not complex at all. And it
is usually just a question of accepting something you used to be
afraid of, and just being like “Okay, I am not willing to be afraid of
that any more.”

ADAM: Can you give an example of how you might have done this in your
own life? Or if you have seen someone do it? I have a bunch of
thoughts - but I want to hear you first. I can go first if you want
and give you a chance to think - because I have had a chance to
think while you were talking!

ALEX: Yes, let me just give you a quick example. I remember feeling at
one time very self-conscious about the fact that a lot of my friends
were much more financially successful than I was. And I felt like if
we were having a conversation about - I don’t know - fighting or
85
something that I am good at; or, you know, what our body looks
like in the mirror (what we were just talking about) I would feel
pretty good. But when we started talking about money, or
business, I would kind of not… I would feel, even if I had
something to contribute to the conversation, I wouldn’t. I felt like
the kid in the room. I felt a lot of insecurity around that.

And it turns out that that feeling itself was what made them much
more financially successful than I was: they felt comfortable and
confident around business. And I felt insecure and weird around
business. And so I couldn’t really do it right. I couldn’t interact
with other people who were making these decisions, in a way that
made them feel confident enough to want to take chances on me.

And stepping into that role of being a powerful businessman just


made no sense to me; I was like, “Well I am going to have to get an
MBA to do that! I am going to need to KNOW something; I am
going to have to LEARN something so that I can be confident in
that.” And that turned out to not be the truth at all.

And I can actually remember - it was a New Year’s Eve, and I was
talking to our friend Rose; and she really pointed out to me that I
was fearing being good at business because if I failed at it, I would
be less of a man; that that would somehow be a threat to my
masculinity. And she was right on. I mean, it really was this whole
thing of, “What if I really went for it and I turned out to be bad at
it - I would somehow be humiliated.” And she said, “When you
think about it, like if somebody else was going through that
process, would you think, ‘What a dick!’? Like nobody judges you
for this but you. This is totally in your own head.”

And actually I started to cry. I realized like, “Oh my God! The


only person who has been holding me back is me.”

ADAM: Yes.

ALEX: And I felt like a lot of adrenaline coming up. Like part of me
wanted to smack her in the face, and just be like, “Fuck you!” - I
mean, I was so… that was how much emotion was coming up for
me!

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ADAM: Wow!

ALEX: But I could see that she wasn’t trying to humiliate me. I was very
embarrassed that she was saying this; but she wasn’t feeling like I
had anything to be embarrassed about. All of it was in me. And in
that moment, I just kind of let it go. And there was this moment
of like approaching death; there was this moment of like it was
scary, and weird, and I wanted to cry - and it was like all this
childish stuff, you know?

And then when I let it go, I just said, “Well, I just don’t need that
any more. Thank you. Okay.” And then I just started my business;
and everything went well. And I started interacting with people in
a different way, in a very credible way, because I had stepped into a
new identity.

ADAM: I love it! And you know, we are talking about something - and you
are going to appreciate this, being a screenwriter; now that I have
“outed” you! - In my Program, in this Program about dating after
thirty-five and forty, I introduced a few archetypes; because by now
we have all lived some cycles of life. And one of the archetypes is
the Hero. And what you are describing in the Hero’s journey is the
cave; is going into the cave and slaying the dragon. There is a
reason that, in every culture in the world, there is - and I think it is
the “seventh step of the nine steps” - where you go into the cave,
and you slay the dragon, and you come out with the treasure; and
the dragon always represents your deepest fear.

And the reason why this story is told everywhere is because it is a


story, as a “Hero”, meaning as someone who is really striving to
change and grow, you are going to have to kill something before
you get the treasure. And what you kill is ALWAYS your greatest
fear.

And what is interesting is you and I have, again, a similar story


here: I was a full-time writer, and I met a woman online who was a
gezillionaire. And we went to the first party we went to - it was our
second date - and on the first date I went to pick her up, and I
passed through the gates, and came upon what was a $14 million
mansion - which was astonishing for me; I had never seen a house
like this, except in Newport, in Rhode Island, you know?

87
And she came toddling out of her house, and we go round the
circular driveway, and we go to another house. And there were
Picassos on the wall; and it is just another mansion. And the art
collection (I have a background din Art History) was astonishing!
And I was a little bit overwhelmed. And I said to her, “Can I ask
you something? What does it take to run your house? What’s your
knot budget? - because she had, I had noticed there were three
maids there. And she says, “It is about $60 thousand a month”.
And I said “$60 thousand a month?” And she goes “Yes”; and I
go, “That’s a lot of money”.

And she looked at me she goes, “You know what? Actually it isn’t.
Look around this room. You know, you are as smart as any of
these people; you know, you are as personable; you are definitely
more creative. They just decided they were going to make a lot of
money. You know, you decided to become a writer and do other
things. If you had decided to make a lot of money, you could
make a lot of money. There is no-one really stopping anybody, if
they set their minds to it.”

And I remember thinking, at that moment, “My life just changed.”


And no one had ever said that to me before. And I was forty - I
think I was thirty-nine or forty - right there. And no one had ever
said that to me before. Maybe if they had said it when I was
younger I wouldn’t have heard it because I wanted to be an artist…

ALEX: Absolutely. And my friend, not only that, but you were ready to
hear it in many other ways as well. I mean, I totally agree with that
story, because a lot of people actually ARE completely focused on
making money and they are STILL not, you know, making money
in such a way that they have a $14 million home with Picassos on
the wall and a $60 thousand a month knot of servants. Why not?
Because THEY are not believing in them!

ADAM: Yes.

ALEX: When she said to you, “You are as smart as any of the people in
this room; you are as creative as any of the people; you are more
personable than the people in this room” - when she said that, you
believed her.

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ADAM: I did.

ALEX: Yes. But there are people who hear that and don’t believe it.

ADAM: Okay. So let’s get into that…

ALEX: That is the distinction. That is the thing; is getting that belief in
your head, really believing it; to believe that “I am as smart as any
of these people maybe means I need to kill off something that was
in me that didn’t believe that; the old me who thought, ‘Oh, I am
the guy that eats Doritos and drinks Coke’ instead of ‘I’m the guy
who is into health - that is one of the things that… that’s me! That
is part of who I am.’”

ADAM: I was actually taking a walk with my mom today, and she was
talking about how angry she was at her father about something,
you know; and my mom is eighty-one. And I said, “What do you
think mom? Time to let that go?” you know? And she said, “Well,
you know, in your life I hope you will let go of what you are angry
with us for.” And I said, “I am not really angry. You guys did a
great job. I had a great childhood, I always felt loved.” And - like
you said about genetics - I happen to be really lucky. So I think I
had that foundation.

So let’s talk right now: if there are guys listening - and I am sure
there are - who feel stuck, who don’t feel super-creative, who don’t
feel that they are really using their intelligence well; what I really
want this Program to be is “How do you leverage what you are
GOT?” Like how do you take your skills and really hone them?

And I think what you have hit on is you have got to make a
decision. You have got to make a decision you are not going to be
that person. Because you know what I did after this Alex? I don’t
think you know this story. I was a writer, and there came a point
where I had zero income - just like every writer; suddenly none of
your movies are selling! And I decided to start really learning about
what is happening with the internet and how can you teach over
the internet, and how can you learn over the internet.

And I was doing a tele-seminar, or a webinar - this was four or five


years ago when I really decided to really learn this stuff - and I was
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at my desk, doing a webinar, and my eleven-year-old son toddled
in; and he was just watching me - he does that - you know, he was
just watching me quietly. And when it was over he said to me,
“You know what dad? A lot of people talk about getting rich - but
you are doing something about it!”

And I have got to tell you, that was like I think one of the proudest
moments of my life, because, just like you said, here I was, forty
years’ old; you know, I had had some success in different areas of
my life but I was not wealthy, I had no position in the world, you
know; I didn’t own anything; I didn’t really have any great
accolades - but I knew I had a lot of ability. And here I was
learning a whole new business and a whole new world - and it
helped to have a son, you know, tell me that.

So for anybody listening, you know, you have got to listen to the
people who encourage you. So if you want to make a change in
your life; if you want to start your own business, you have got to
hang around entrepreneurs; you have got to go to those seminars -
you know, just start hanging around with those people. Get rid of
the people who are eating Doritos! Get rid of the people who
complain about their jobs!

So I am going to give an exercise right now; which is I want


everyone to listen with their ears to ANYONE in your life who
complains about their life. I cut out people in my life - with
intention - who complain about their life. Or who put me down -
you know, there are always some guys who get off by putting
people down; who are like supposedly your “friend”. I cut them
out. I stop taking their calls; I was “always busy.”

I want people to listen. If you are in a job where people come in


and complain, really think about getting yourself out of that job. If
you hang out with friends who complain about their lives,
complain about women, “This is the way women are” - that is not
true! Women are that way to these guys because they are assholes!
Right? I’m on fire now! Okay, help me out there Alex!

ALEX: No man, you are so on target.

ADAM: Yes, really look at your life! Clean it out! That is your first step.

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ALEX: Yes. You know, there is an easy exercise you can do also. It is not
always 100% but it is so damn close to always being 100%, it is
spooky - and it was our friend Eben Pagan that told me about this.
He said if you just take your five closest friends (and by “closest
friends”, the ones you spend the most time with - so a friend who
you have always felt is like a brother to you, who you met in junior
high but you haven’t spoken to in ten years doesn’t count - but the
five people you actually spend the most time with, who are your
buddies) and you take all their salaries and you add them up and
divide by five, so you get their exact average - there you are! There
you are! And it’s true! There you are!

You will become who you spend your time with. That’s it.

ADAM: Yes. So be very careful.

ALEX: You will become who you spend your time with. And the thing
about choosing very wisely is, I mean, what a fucking incredible
leverage point for your life! And if you are NOT doing that, then,
again, you are not taking your life very seriously! And you ought
to!

I don’t know how many ways to say this - but you ought to take
your life as if it is a pretty serious thing!

ADAM: Yes, absolutely. And a fun thing. But yes, take it seriously so you
can have fun. So I think we have hit this first point really hard:
which is you have got to get control of every aspect of your life;
and like you said, leverage it and choose who you are going to be.

There is my friend, Satyen Raja, who you know of…

ALEX: I love Satyen.

ADAM: Yes, he is in this Program - and he kicked ass when he talked about
“What does it mean to be free?” But he said something to me…
we were talking about reincarnation - you know, he is from a
Hindu background (well he is not really Hindu) and he said, “You

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know, why wait till you die to be reincarnated? Why don’t you
reincarnate yourself right fucking now? Not tomorrow; not next
week; not next semester - but right now! Choose now!”

And the woman in my life right now, who you also know, who is
magnificent - and her refrain is always “It’s a choice. Everything.
It’s a choice. Choose who you are going to be.” We’re grown-ups.
We are over thirty-five, we are over forty; you know, it is time to
take control of your food, your exercise, your mind, and, you know
recommend Tony Robbins and all that stuff - it really is true! You
know, you take control of what your mind does.

And if anyone has ever done any Buddhist meditation, that whole
process is really getting a grip on what your mind is doing; just
being quiet and watching what your mind creates out of nothing.
It is not you. It is just the chatter of your mind.

So, getting control of your body; getting control of your mind.


And now let’s talk about women. How’s that for a segue?

ALEX: That’s a good segue! It’s a good segue. I’ll add one more reframe
on it, because it is just an attractive way of seeing it. And again it
comes from Eben Pagan, and actually his friend Dean Jackson.
And the two of them made an observation once about very
successful people; and the observation they made was that they
appointed themselves - nobody appointed them. They self-
appointed.

And frequently, I mean, you can clearly see that, like them or not,
Barack Obama appointed himself President long before the
American people even voted for him - and in fact the news media
even said a couple of things like, “This guy is so sure he won, and
he hasn’t won, and it is a little unsettling.” But he had just, in his
mind he was like, “I am the President. I appoint myself President
of the United States of America.” And we all caught up and voted
for him because he seemed pretty sure of it.

And if you don’t like Barack Obama, then maybe you like the guy
that came before him, George Bush, or vice-versa - but it was the
same exact thing. And I remember, right from the Primaries, when
he was up again McCain in the Primaries - this was the first time
Bush was elected - and everybody was sure that McCain was going
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to win; I mean, it didn’t even occur to anybody that this guy from
Texas with literally no resume was going to win! But he self-
appointed. He absolutely did. You could see in his mind when he
walked out there and he was like, “Well, I’m from Texas; I’m going
to be the President of the United States of America.”

And you could just see it! He had self-appointed. And anybody
that wins at anything does that. You decide: “Yes, I am going to
be a great lover. I am going to be a man that women go crazy
over. I am going to be…” whatever you want to be! But that
ability to appoint yourself - and believe yourself, and believe
yourself - to appoint yourself to that position, with absolute
congruity, changes everything!

Now let’s talk about chicks!

ADAM: Yes! Let’s apply that. Let’s take it on two levels. Number one: as
a man over thirty-five / over forty, how do you self-appoint
yourself, “I am attractive to women. I am more attractive than a
guy who is twenty-five to thirty because…”? Why? What do you
do?

ALEX: Well, I don’t want to blow smoke up anybody’s ass. And if you
are, you know, really an ugly, unpersonable, boring person… No,
I’m kidding!

ADAM: No! Don’t!

ALEX: But here is the thing, here is the thing: when I say I don’t want to
blow smoke up anybody’s ass, I want to say it is not necessarily
easy; it really isn’t necessarily easy to self-appoint, to say, “I am an
attractive man” - and believe it. It is easy to say, of course -
anybody can move their mouth and make the words. But to
BELIEVE it is… that is the secret sauce. And the question of how
you do it has some complexity to it.

You know, there is this idea of being internally validated, versus


externally validated. Internally validated people are people like
Christopher Columbus who says, “The world is round”; and
everybody else says, “No it’s not - it’s flat!” And he is like “No. I
believe ME more than I believe you.” Internally validated people
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have a sense of their own worth - whether or not things are going
well around them.

Whereas externally validated people, you know, when things are


going well they are happy and they feel like, “Yes, yes, I’m great!”
And then when things go badly they are like, “Oh I’m stupid,
stupid, stupid!” They don’t have a… their ability to maintain their
sense of self in the face of external change.

And so what we are really talking about here is how do you go


from externally validated to internally validated? And there is a
terrible, terrible truth to this - or an ironic, funny truth, depending
on how you want to frame it - which is the more externally
validated you are, the easier it is to be internally validated. So guys
that are successful with women, they are internally validated,
period. I mean, that is just what it takes. If you are externally
validated; if you are always waiting from somebody else to, you
know, tell you that you are okay, or handsome; or you are not
going to be able to believe it, then you are not real popular with the
ladies. And that is just the way it is.

If you have been to some of these events where, you know, men
are shy men learning how to meet women, you will see a LOT of
very handsome men. I mean, really shocking!

ADAM: That’s true.

ALEX: I am often blown away by some of the men that show up at some
of these seminars that I speak at. And we were just at the “Man
Transformation” together - and I mean, there were guys in that
audience that looked like Abercrombie models!

ADAM: Yes.

ALEX: And I thought to myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Just
stand there, keep your mouth shut and you’re going to get laid!”
you know? But the reality is they lacked confidence, and
confidence is it. That is the whole ball game in one little thing.

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But generally we have this observation in life that generally people
that are rich and handsome seem to be very confident. And that is
because it is easier to be internally validated when everybody on the
outside is validating you too. So if everybody is going, “Oh, you’re
dreamy, you’re awesome! Wow, you’re a handsome guy! God,
you’re a sexy, handsome, athletic, smart guy” - and they hear it a
lot; and so it is easy for them to believe it. And then that builds the
confidence enough so that when somebody else comes along and
goes, you know, “Fuck you! You don’t matter. Nobody is
interested in you!” they are like, “No, I don’t believe that. I’m
internally validated. I know I’m good. I know I’m good.”

And you know, a professional athlete gets that; a lot of external


validation… So it is EASY for them to be internally validated,
right?

ADAM: Yes.
ALEX: And so this is the challenge now, this is the challenge: is in the face
of NOT getting a lot of external validation - in other words women
are not currently tripping all over themselves to give you their
phone number - how do you become internally validated?

Because that is the whole thing; once you are internally validated,
Game Over! They will all be coming up with their phone numbers
and then you will get the external validation that will keep the
internal validation going. It really is a question of digging deep -
and it is not easy - digging deep and getting yourself to believe in
who you are, and in your value as a man.

ADAM: Well let’s talk about that because, as I was saying before, I’m lucky;
my parents supported me, they loved me. Not everybody felt that
way growing up, so they don’t have that first language of self-
validation. And that got me through all kinds of trouble, you
know, all kinds of dark times - because inside, no matter how bad I
felt, like you said, I was able to tap some resource that I’m worth
something, because I just grew up that way. And it is like a sort of
first language.

So if someone doesn’t have that first language, I think one of the


things you have to do, especially regarding women, is really decide,
you know, what are your best qualities. And I talk about this with
online dating; I say go to the people you are closest to and say,
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“Listen, I want you to take this seriously; I want you to tell me
what are three great things about me.” And ask women, you know,
“What are three… what is attractive about me?” you know? And
then - and here is the second question - “How can I be more
attractive in that quality?”

Now, I will say something here. I mentioned the Hero’s journey


before. The Hero’s journey is interesting because he is on a
journey; he is on the road of trials. He is out there fighting
dragons; he is learning, he is getting the weapons, he is making new
friends. This is why we watch movies: every single movie you
have ever seen is a Hero’s journey structure - we can go into that
some other time. But that is interesting.

A guy who sits and eats Doritos and doesn’t change his life is
inherently not interesting, and women will not be interested in you.
So, this is the Warrior’s path; this is the Hero’s path. You actually -
here is your next exercise - think and ask three people who are
close to you, including a woman (ask ten if you are really brave!)
ask them, “What is attractive about me?” And then when they say
it, say, “How could I be even more attractive in this realm?”

Now, it may sound like a crazy thing to do, but this is how you
effectuate change. And it’s funny Alex, even as we are talking now,
I remember when I first got divorced and I felt LOUSY about
myself; I literally thought no one would ever date a failure like me.
And I am not even kidding - I really thought that. I thought I was
fat, and bald, and dumb, and a failure - and that I had lost my
family. That is how I felt.

And I remember, I had a woman friend who really got me through


it; and she was telling me all the time, she says, “You are a volcano!
You are a sexual volcano!” And it’s funny, you know, I haven’t
thought about this in years - but I remember hearing it and like,
“Oh God, what an idiot you must be to think that about me.” you
know, because I didn’t have the internal talk.

And fast-forward a bunch of years: now that I am actually really


happy and sort of on fire about life, and changing, and growing,
you know, I get an entirely different kind of attention from women
- and I believe them. You know, I don’t over-believe it…

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ALEX: Dude, I have just one thing I do want to tell you: you are a sexual
volcano!

ADAM: I am a sexual volcano!

ALEX: You are, yes.

ADAM: I don’t want to, you know, go public with this! But it just struck
me: I just didn’t believe her. And I put her down. So the reason I
bring this us is this: if you ask some women in your life, if you ask
some friends in your life, “What is attractive about me?” especially
- you have got to ask the women, okay? Your friends. Don’t be
embarrassed. And really say to them, “I am really trying to
understand myself and I am really trying to grow.” You have got
to be able to hear what they say. You can’t just put them down or
assume… go, “Oh, they don’t know what they’re talking about” or
“They’re just trying to make me feel good.” Really listen to them.
And if they give you a generality, ask for a specific. If they say,
“You know what I really like about you? You’re really kind.” say
“Okay, thank you. Can you give me an example of when did you
first think that? What did I do?”

And do some fucking research on your life! You will be amazed at


what you learn about how you come off to other people.

ALEX: Yes. There is a… you know, even if you just said, “Who do you
think I am? Who am I to you?” That is a great exercise too, you
know, just to… not even good qualities; it is like, “Who am I? Am
I the class clown, or am I the… Who am I in your life? Who am I?
Who do YOU say I am?”

And, you know, it is amazing how differently people view you than
you think that they do. First of all, all the things that you think that
you are hiding from them - they know! And second of all, all the
reasons that you were hiding them because you thought that they
would like judge you for you - they don’t! They don’t give a shit!
In fact often they like those qualities about you!

It is so funny how off you really are; you have no idea how people
think about you. And if you can get somebody to really “no-
bullshit” look you in the eye and tell you who you are, you will be
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amazed at how much people like you and how much more they
actually get the things that you think you are hiding, like, “Trust me
- you are so not effectively hiding the things that you think that you
are!” They know about all your insecurities and whatever.

And the thing is, they are twice as insecure as you are so they don’t
think it’s weird! This process of self-acceptance, man, it is just
powerful!

But here is another thing I really want to add here to your exercise;
which is you are not allowed to say “Thank you” or “You think
so?” or… In fact, say nothing! The only correct response is to
look somebody dead in the eye, give a little nod that, you know,
you heard them - but do not make any excuses, or, “Oh, you only
think that because I did this” or “I’m not really that way”. I mean,
if you say shit, you will ruin it! You need to listen. And people
don’t listen. They queue up what they are going to say yes.

ADAM: Oh this is great.

ALEX: It is so important to just open totally to what they are saying; just
fucking hear them! And then spend a long time thinking about
what they said. Don’t queue up what you are going to say. Really
be there to receive what they are sending - because this is such a
big eye opener, when you really give yourself the opportunity to
hear what people are saying, and not just, “Oh, you’re just being
polite!” and any of that shit. Get out of that! And really open to
what humans are telling you. You won’t believe how much cooler
you are than you think you are.

ADAM: I love that you say this. And in my book “Deep Attraction
Online” I talk about when I was working full-time in film; I would
not work with anybody, I would not read their script, unless they
promised that when I gave notes they would just say “Thank you”
or write them down - and not try to argue or give their point.

I said, “The point is, you are getting someone’s opinion. So listen
to it.”

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And I agree with you - don’t try to argue, don’t try to fish for
deeper compliments. But I would say you could say, “Thank you.
Thanks for your honesty.” So be very direct; look them in the eye;
thank them for their honesty. But don’t try to devalue what they
are saying. Have the manly dignity of just listening and absorbing.

But thank you, that is a really good point you are making.

ALEX: Yes, and you know, I’ll tell you what: I won’t argue with you. You
can use the words “Thank” and “You” - those two words alone.
ADAM: Okay. Exactly.

ALEX: But the problem with… you know, people - as much as people
were arguing with the criticism that you were giving for that work
that they did; you were giving them feedback - people will argue
twice as much when you give them praise. And that is really what
you want to avoid.

ADAM: Great.

ALEX: And by saying “Thank you” you are actually giving somebody
something back. You are giving them thanks. And so there is
actually reciprocity there. I think if you really want to turbo-charge
this shit, then you even withhold the thanks. You JUST receive. It
is kind of a “next-level thing”. But, yes, “Thank you” is acceptable.
It is totally acceptable.

Be aware of when you are trying to give somebody something back


because you feel like, oh, they just gave me a compliment; I need
to, you know, say “Oh, no, no, no - I’m not that way” or “You
think I’m kind? You’re the kindest woman in the world! You’re
kind!” Like, you know, that sense of that need to give reciprocity
ruins the moment of being totally receptive and open and present
to what another human is saying.

ADAM: Thank you. I’ll say “Thank you”. I wasn’t joking. When you said
that, it really hit me. What you are saying is - and you can tell this -
you and I move in some interesting circles; you know, we are
among pretty powerful people often…

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ALEX: Oh yes!

ADAM: People who really operate on a global level. And one thing that
you will notice is that they don’t squirm, and they don’t jabber at
the mouth; and if someone does say something nice to them, they
will say “Thank you”. Very simple, very clear and very dignified,
very manly. Right?

ALEX: Absolutely.

ADAM: Yes. So, good. And then what happens is you feel that they are…
the word that you used was “present” - they are just present with
what you said. It doesn’t sway them, it doesn’t knock them over; it
doesn’t cause a whole reactivity cycle of emotional, you know,
responses. They just say “Thank you”. They heard you. They are
there. It doesn’t even matter, you know? They are just present
with what you said.

Now, what I want to do is, in the time remaining, I want to, since
you really are an amazing teacher of sexuality, and sexuality
connected with your whole life, to embarrass you for a second Alex
ever since I have known you, you have been with just the most
magnificent woman, who is also someone who is on fire; she is
beautiful, she is (I don’t know how old she is but I know she is a
lot younger than you and me!)…

ALEX: Yes, she’s quite young!

ADAM: And I’ve watched you guys evolve - and it has worked, you know!
I definitely see it has worked here. You are both really passionate
people. So you know of what you speak. So I want you to say a
few words. The guys who are over thirty-five, I mean, clearly every
woman I have ever known says, “Young lovers have no idea what
they are doing and it is so wonderful to be with a guy who is of
age, and who has some experience.” Can you connect age - thirty-
five/forty - passionate life and lovemaking for us?

ALEX: Well, you know, I am in my mid-forties myself, so I can’t really


connect the dots to the fifties; but my perspective is that everything
in life gets better every year. And there was an anticipation I k

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now, in my twenties, that I was not going to be as good a lover in
my thirties or in my forties; that things would start slowing down
and that my cock wouldn’t get as hard, and this kind of thing. And
things are just getting better - I mean substantially, substantially
better. And I expect them to continue to do so.

There is a bunch of things that come together, in making an older


guy a superior lover. And of course it is conditional. There are a
lot of people who obviously move downhill in their life. And that
is kind of a choice too: they begin to believe in their
disappointments rather than believing in their successes. The
reality of life is we have disappointments and we have successes.
And you get to choose which ones you believe define you. And it
is a choice.

And there are people I know who feel very, very defeated by the
time they get into their thirties, and they decide, “Well, you know,
what woman would want me?” - and then, indeed, they have self-
appointed themselves as the “What woman would want me?” guy.
And I am sure that is how they show up in the bedroom. I have
no doubt.

And I have heard women say that they much prefer older men as
lovers. And I have also heard women say, “But once in a while I
like a good fucking from a younger guy.” And the question is why
should that be? Why should that be? And it doesn’t have to be.

So let me just throw down a couple of areas in which you should


be improving. One is your sexual stamina should be going up; you
should have a lot more self-control. And, you know, if you always
had a lot of control - great!

The thing that control hedges on - because, you know, my stuff is


specifically sexual in nature so I really have dug into this for quite a
few years now - and the real thing that this hedges on is it is
emotional, it is psychological; it is your sense of self that affects it.
So generally as we grow older we are a little bit less anxiety-ridden
when we are with a woman; it is just a question of having more
experience, and a question of being aware that ups and downs
happen and that it’s all good.

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So, as an example, for a younger guy who one day, you know, he is
feeling a little anxious or extra-excited, and he ejaculates earlier
than he would have liked to, and she is like kind of like, “Wow that
was a bit disappointing.” - for him, the likelihood that this is now
an impossible conditions for him to shake and it is going to be
what happens for the rest of his life, and he is going to be really
nervous next time it happens is very high. Whereas for a guy in his
forties, “Oh, this has happened to me a couple of times, you know
- a year across my lifetime and I know that just because it
happened today it is nothing to be nervous about tomorrow.”
Right? So you just get that sense of confidence, you know, on a
pure level that way.

The other thing that I just recommend is that you ought to have, if
you are in your forties, learned how to have non-ejaculatory
orgasms so that you can have an erection as powerful as a twenty-
year old and, you know, if you haven’t learned how to do that
obviously you should buy my “Command and Control Program”
which coaches you through it - or any of the other thousand books
out there. You know, mine is by far the best and will get you the
best results - but for crying out loud: there is no reason to not go
do that!

ADAM: Just to be clear for a second - I am not sure if everyone


understands what that is - we are obviously very familiar with it:
you can actually orgasm; you can have the full contraction,
wonderful warm, burning, energetic explosion, without ejaculating.
Therefore you get to stay hard and get to go longer - which
everyone appreciates. So this sounds like a mythology but it is
actually, it is a physical exercise, you can practice it; and it is a
wonderful feeling because you can stay longer.

ALEX: Actually Adam, if you throw a link somewhere on the page for
them.

ADAM: Yes I will.

ALEX: I have a video that explains the whole process; and how it actually
affects your endo-crinological system as well; and actually will give
you, instead of those erections that start pointing out and then
slowly downward, you actually start getting a more “youthful
erection”. Yes, you can actually become a much more powerful
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lover by learning this process. And it is a process to learn as you
get older, for sure.

ADAM: Okay, be sure to give me that link: we will put it up after the call.

ALEX: Excellent.

ADAM: So that is one skill. So self-control clearly is a skill that is important


for a guy over thirty-five / over forty.

ALEX: Yes. And now to get into the “meat and potatoes” of what really
makes a great lover; of what those women are talking about when
they say, “I would rather be with an older man”. And what that
really has to do with is great sex - not good sex, great sex! - Great
sex is “more than an orgasm”

And I think that, you know, when you are young you are like, “Oh
she had an orgasm - I was good!” And, you know, often that has
to do with her; because she could be a very orgasmic woman; and
you are like, “Wow! I gave her twenty orgasms in an hour! I’m
fantastic!” Maybe… you know, maybe. But just, you know, the
ability to give her an orgasm is important, obviously - again, it is a
skill you ought to have learned by now - but that is not great sex.
That is the “minimum requirement”, in my opinion!

Great sex comes from connectedness, and being present. And


younger guys have a lot of difficulty with this because they are so
caught up in their stuff. They are still in that adolescent stage of
self-reflexive thinking; they are much, much more trapped in their
heads and, you know, “Is she impressed with what I’m doing right
now?” and this kind of thing.

And in the Grand Scheme of becoming a really profound lover; a


lover that women just go bananas over, you kind of begin at the
beginning, like everybody, where you are very much self-reflexive
on, you know, “Am I okay? Does she think I’m all right? Am I
doing anything wrong?” And then you get to the next level and
you start thinking too much about her; you know, like, “Did you
come yet? Did I do this right? Maybe I need to, you know, give the
clit a little more; I don’t know where the g-spot is; I’ve got to

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quickly get a book and learn where the g-spot is” - so it becomes all
about how to please her.

And then at the next level, you actually become a more selfish lover
where you are like, “I know exactly what I want and I am going to
get it. And I am going to give her a great ride too - but I am going
to get what I want.” And what makes this level so powerful is that
for a woman this feels like masculine; this feels powerful. You are
now the guy who can accept a compliment without going, “Oh no,
really! Shucks!” You have become the guy who says, “You know,
right now what you need to do is suck my cock for a really long
time while I watch you in the mirror, because I am comfortable
with that” - and it is not weird for me to ask, and it is not slimy
because I am comfortable; I am grounded in my masculinity. I
know what I want; I know how to take it, take what I want from a
woman.

And that is so sexy to a woman. She really feels like, “Wow, this
guy is not needy; he just fucking gets it!” And you are much more
like… and of course the idea is also to get her off - I mean, each
stage transcends but includes the stage before, right? You are not
just no longer interested in how to get her off; you know, you are
transcending and including.

Then finally, when you get to the highest level of this, you become
so present with her that there is a connectedness happening; there
is a flow. You have dropped enough of the anxiety; dropped
enough of the weird self-talk; you have dropped enough of the
need to be in your head just to get hard - you have dropped all that
stuff behind; to the point where you really can just be totally
present in the moment, of just absorbing the deliciousness that is
her - the way she smells, the way she sounds, the feeling of her
skin.

And everything becomes a beautiful dance that, you know… it’s


funny, I kind of need to use the word “Zen”. Zen is a great word;
you know, it comes from the Hindu word “Dhyana” which… it is
very, very difficult to define - but we know what it is; it is that flow
state when everything is effortless and it seems as if you, as an
individual, and the world are operating under the same brain. And
we have all been in that flow state in sport, or, you know, when
you are driving and you end up home and you don’t know how you
got there? In a way that is Zen, because the roads and the car and
man were one person; you didn’t think about turning the wheel to
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steer - you were just connected with it all and you just made it
happen. And lovemaking gets to that level as well; that moment of
Zen.

And it is not likely to happen with a guy who is, you know, like a
teenager, or a guy in his twenties. And it often isn’t going to
happen for a guy in his thirties, you know? But at least there it
begins to become accessible; you have done the work, you
understand who you are. You are no longer flitting from thing to
thing; you are grounded in your manhood.

And when you get into your forties - and I imagine fifties - it just
gets better and stronger; more powerful.

ADAM: That is really beautifully stated Alex. I want to say a couple of


things. One is - I call it “the power of claim” - and we talk about
this in the Program in general; really claiming what you want in life
and claiming a woman. It is not the same thing as knocking her
over the head and dragging her home; but it is the ability to say “I
would really like to take you home”, or “I am going to kiss you”,
or, just physically, while you are making love, picking her up,
turning her around, you know, without asking - boom, boom,
boom! Onto the edge of the bed - whatever the move is, to be able
to physically do it in a commanding (not a brutal way, obviously)
but in a really commanding way - “This is what I want now” is very
sexy.

So, again, what happens in the outside world has a correlation to


what happens in the bedroom.

And then the second thing you said which I think is really
important, which is the power of self-understanding; of really
knowing what you want in life. As you get older, you should be
getting there. You know, in your twenties… I know in my
twenties I thought I knew what I wanted - I was pretty directed -
but I was wrong. But in my thirties… as I got later in my thirties
and in my forties, you get a sense of urgency - and this actually part
of the archetype of Warrior: the Warrior operates with a sense of
urgency. It doesn’t mean that he is rushing around, but it means
that he is alert, and ready, and aware of what is happening; and is
ready to respond at the blink of an eye.

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And when you really develop a sense of urgency that, you know,
“Life is passing and I am going to be ready to take on my life,
choose my life, in every second”, you get a deeper understanding
of what you really want. And that is sexy. It is kind of like a self-
claiming. What did you call it - “self-appointed”? or “self-elected”
President?

ALEX: Self-appointing.

ADAM: Self-appointing. So it is the kind of self-claiming also: “I am going


to claim my life right here, right now.” And when you are in your
twenties - I think it is a rare guy, when he is in his twenties; it
definitely happens but it is a rare person who can claim their life
with a sense of certainty that has sexiness.

So, again, this is one of the power points that someone can
leverage; that everyone on this call, everyone on this training, can
leverage, as a man who is over thirty, to really be able to project
that. It is an advantage over younger men.

ALEX: You know, you were just saying about a Warrior; and Carlos
Castaneda said “The Warrior…” (I am going to mangle this quote!)
but they basically said “The Warrior, instead of seeing things as
either an opportunity or a setback, the Warrior sees all things
equally, as a welcoming challenge.”
ADAM: Nice.

ALEX: It’s not an opportunity, it is not a setback. It is a welcoming


challenge. Everything.

ADAM: So here I thought we were going to be talking about sex for an


hour - and what we are really talking about…

ALEX: Were we?

ADAM: And what we are really talking about… I think the core of this
Program is to just fucking make the decision to choose your life;
you are going to live your life the way YOU wanted to. All those
voices from the past are falling away. If there are voices in your
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current life, MAKE them fall away. Choose your life. Claim your
life. Claim your woman. There is a title for a book!

ALEX: Claim your life, claim your woman! I like it. It’s a great title.

ADAM: Yes! It is very intuitive. And I bet you, anyone listening to this, if
they said “I am reading a book called, ‘Claim Your Life, Claim
Your Woman’ ”, they would get a nice little sigh out of them,
going, “Wow, I’d like to read that!”

ALEX: Or “I’d like YOU to read that!”

ADAM: Right. What else would you like to add before we round out this
hour?

ALEX: Well, I guess, because there is a sense perhaps that we haven’t been
talking about sex, let me just say that all of these things apply very
specifically in the bedroom. And that is, as I said earlier, the whole
Gist of my “Passionate Lover, Passionate Life” Program - is that
sex is a really beautiful place to play out your ability to make
change in your life and to grow your life into a more passionate
place.

And passion, specifically, is a beautiful thing to aim for, because it


just describes intensity. And I don’t really care if you are
passionate about sex, or if you are passionate about theoretical
Mathematics - passion itself is the end! I mean, that is the whole
point; is to be really used-up in life; to be really use this life to the
point where you are absolutely complete when you are finished -
because finished you will be, at some point.

So, to use this vehicle to grow - whether it is sex for you, or it is


sport; or whatever it is - to find that vehicle of growth. But any
one of these principles applies in the bedroom; this idea of
becoming confident; this idea of becoming the kind of person that
doesn’t need to say “Thank you”; who can very openly receive
something without there being any kind of weirdness about an
interchange; the kind of person who can very actively take what
they want with a gentle confidence of knowing that “I am going to
get what I am taking.”

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All these things - whether that be money, or whether that be in
lovemaking - these are very, very, very powerful elements of what
makes for a great sexual experience.

And I guess, to land the plane on this: one of the things that you
could do, for example, to use sexuality to grow you life is to try
new things. And if you are not doing it in sex, you should be doing
it elsewhere. Because the process that we are talking about here,
this transformational process of appointing yourself and believing
it - like I said, it is easy to say, “I appoint myself a great lover!”; it is
hard to believe it. And that path of believing it, of actually
becoming the person you are appointing yourself to be; that path
of actually becoming the person, involves something called neuro-
plasticity.

Your neurons actually will remap; so that if somebody were to do a


brain scan on you a week or two after you have gone through one
of these transformations, they would discover your neurological
pathways have actually changed.

And the facility that it takes to change these neurons, like a muscle,
gets better with effort. So in other words, if you can make a small
transformation in your life, it becomes easier and easier to make a
larger transformation in your life - not just from an “Oh, this
seems easier”; but there is actually a physiological process; the
brain gets better at remapping itself as it remaps itself. Just like
somebody who is very good at tennis will very easily pick up some
other sport. Obviously it will be easier for them to pick up racket
ball - but it will be easier for them to pick up a lot of sports,
because they have got eye/hand coordination now.

And the brain works this way. So one of the things that you can do
- an exercise, if you will - is to challenge yourself to be in new
places, new environments, and doing new things. So, for example,
if you wrote down five things you were afraid of, five places you
have never been but think it would be kind of cool to go there, and
five activities you have never done; pick one of each; get them
done. Make a real commitment to yourself to get them done by
your next birthday. And you will definitely reap a HUGE reward,
because getting yourself into unknown situations like that allows
you to build self-confidence; it triggers up, it fires up neuro-

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plasticity - and allows you to make real changes in your life that you
are directionally, that you are willfully changing yourself to become.

ADAM: It’s funny you mentioned that - I have never told you this, but I
have this dream of doing weekends in different parts of the
country, where we do exactly that: where maybe we have a boxing
class, and then we go skydiving, and then you go to an erotic
massage from a very beautiful massage therapist who really knows
something - and you do five or six brand new things; things that
you may never have done before; just as a way to jar people out of
any kind of stasis.

But now you have given me a fantasy “neuro-plasticity” word, to


give me extra encouragement to do that. Because I find that so
many people are just stuck in their lives and they just need a little
nudge. I mean, I needed a lot of nudging. So thank you for the
fantasy word.

ALEX: Build that Program!

ADAM: Is that a fun idea?

ALEX: Yes!

ADAM: It gives me an excuse to go and do fun new things anyway!

ALEX: Yes, build it. I will spend money on that. That sounds like one I
would buy. Build that one.

ADAM: I think I’d have you teach at it. So let me ask you, have you made
those lists? Have you thought about some of those things?

ALEX: Me? Oh, I do that kind of stuff constantly. I am always looking


for something that makes me… anything that is out of my comfort
zone I am very, very inclined to get done as quickly as possible.

ADAM: What are some examples? Just to give people some inspiration for
ideas.
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ALEX: Well I tell you, there was one I am juiced on right now is… there is
- I forget what they are… the Passana Meditation: have you heard
about these guys?

ADAM: I have. I have done advanced Passana Meditation in India.

ALEX: Wow! So I haven’t - and it is really threatening to me. It is a ten-


day silent retreat…

ADAM: Yes.

ALEX: You are not allowed to speak. At all. For ten days. AND they
don’t feed you very much; it is like all Vegan - like bird food. And
I am a steak man, along with my broccoli! And for me to go ten
days without meat and without talking… literally talking about it
right now, my mouth is getting dry and my heart is kind of racy - it
just sounds scary to me. So I am definitely going to be doing that
before my next birthday; that is what is on my agenda right now.

ADAM: Excellent. And one of the reasons why it may be so frightening is -


again what we were talking about - something has to die. You and
I are very verbal people. And you live through your words. And
suddenly you don’t have your biggest power - so what are you?
And you will discover new things. For sure.

ALEX: That’s right. Yes.

ADAM: You no, I can tell you that I am the world’s worst meditator. I
actually fell down a staircase during my ten days in India, during a
walking meditation!

ALEX: I’ll hopefully not fall down any staircases when I’m there - but that
sounds like a lot less threatening to me than the whole “not
talking”! How can I fall down the stairs if I’m not allowed to say,
“Fuck!”? Ow! Goddammit!”

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ADAM: I literally ended up in the hospital. Yes. That is how bad of a
meditator I am. What did you call it? A “welcoming challenge.”
So that is a great challenge, by the way; that is a really interesting
one.

I think a lot of the mistake that guys make who are looking to be
better daters, more attractive to women, they think they HAVE to
do… you know, they HAVE to become a Black belt, and they
HAVE to become a boxer. Sometimes it is our fears that are very
quiet that are the most effective.

And I want to say something about when you said - I guess we can
close out on this - “I appoint myself a great lover.” In this
Program, like I said, I was looking into archetypes and I think it is
really important to own your Warrior archetype, and it is really
important to own your Lover archetype. And I go into depth
about both of those.

One of the things about a Warrior - and I believe it was Dan


Millman who said this so well, in “The Way of the Peaceful
Warrior”, which is that a Warrior doesn’t mean you are at war; it
just means that you are in the pitch; you are alert. Now. It is not
something you are going to do later. It is a way of being. You are
not going to a battle - but right now you are prepared to do battle,
should battle happen. And it means you are on the path. So you
are constantly becoming more aware, you are refining yourself -
exercising, weapons training, whatever it is - as a “warrior
Warrior”.

When you say “I appoint myself a great lover”, I would love


everybody, right now, to say that; listening to this right now: “I
appoint myself a great lover.” And by listening to this Program,
you are already stepping past ninety-five percent of men. And by
getting the Erotic Mastery Program, and by getting Alex’s Program,
Passionate Lover, Passionate Life; and his revolutionary sex book
which is on the ACI Store page - I absolutely recommend you get
that: Alex is a very thoughtful, detailed (as you can see) expert in
these things. But by getting these books, reading, learning new
skills… go take an erotic massage class; go take a Shiatsu class; you
know; get in touch with your sensual self. Just go and learn. There
is no end of places to do this. Yoga studios… learn your body;
learn how to move fluidly.

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You can become a lover RIGHT NOW. It is not because you are
having sex right now - but you are on the path of being a great
lover. So I would definitely urge you, “I appoint myself a great
lover” right now. You are on the path.

Anything to add to that Mr. Alex?

ALEX: No. That was absolutely beautiful. Beautiful.

ADAM: I’m fired up. Also I’m hungry! So I want to thank you; as always I
love talking to you. And I am going to see you soon. I want to
just recommend Alex Allman: once again you can find all his work
on our Store page - and I highly recommend you get “Passionate
Lover, Passionate Life”; I highly recommend you get
“Revolutionary Sex”. And you mentioned something else -
something about mastering something…

ALEX: Yes. “Command and Control” is… it is much more of a “nuts and
bolts” program than my other programs. It is just a four-week
training where it leads you through a series of exercises so that you
can control your ejaculation, and then eventually control it to the
point where you can have an orgasm without ejaculating. And, you
know, it is a ridiculous enhancement to your life; if you are not
already having non-ejaculatory orgasms - and 99.9% of men aren’t
- then what more do I have to tell you than that you could have ten
orgasms in a night? I mean, do you need any other encouragement
to start?

ADAM: But why?

ALEX: Yes, there is a famous book, “The Multi-Orgasmic Man”, which I


read in college, which is twenty-five years ago…

ADAM: Mantak Chia?

ALEX: Yes I guess. And I couldn’t get it; it just didn’t make sense to me
and I couldn’t get it; and he talks about, you know, “move energy
this way”, and whatever. And it just… I couldn’t get it. And
eventually, through other practices, completely separate practices,
as an adult - I was actually in my forties - I had a non-ejaculatory
112
orgasm; it happened. I was controlling my ejaculation and trying
not to come, and then this other thing went down, and I sort of
got myself into a mental state, and all of a sudden I had this very
powerful orgasm. And I actually thought that I had ejaculated but
I didn’t. And I thought, “Oh my God - that book from the
Seventies, I just totally fricking got it!” And then I couldn’t
replicate it for a long time.

And then I finally got it again. And then I went about building -
like I said, it is simple nuts and bolts; like simple exercises that can
get you from here to there without a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. So
it is a darn good Program.

ADAM: Alright. Thank you so much. Alex, always a pleasure. Always


enlightening. I really thank you and I am sure everyone here thanks
you for your time. Thanks so much Alex.

ALEX: Adam, thank you brother. I'll talk to you soon.

***

113
Deepen Your Understanding Of Women - Vin Dicarlo

ADAM: Hey, this is Adam Gilad and welcome to today's session on Dating
After Thirty-Five / Dating After Forty.

Now, we've talked in other sessions, other trainings in this program


about very specific skill sets: how to approach; how to create
rapport; how to refine your sense of authority; how to refine your
sense of freedom; how to refine your sense of being a warrior so
that you can access that, your lover, your magician; how to really
become king of your life. So there's a lot of focus on self
refinement because if you really want to attract a high quality
woman, you've got to make yourself a highest quality man possible
so that they're naturally attracted to you, so you don't have to go
out selling yourself, which, by the way, is not attractive.

Today's session is a little different, what we're going to do is focus


not so much on understanding ourselves but really understanding
the different types of women that are out there. And I have a very
special guest, his name is Vin DiCarlo. Vin, welcome.

VIN: Hey, Adam, thanks

ADAM: Vin has done extraordinary research on creating rapport with


different types of women. And so, what we're going to do today is
look at the different kinds of women that are out there. He has a
system called "Pandora's Box." I have to ask you why you called it
that, by the way, it sounds very dangerous. And we're going to talk
about the mistakes that guys make when they try to create rapport
with women and what you can do right once you've identified what
kind of woman you're talking to, what personality type.

So, Vin, before we even get started, I know some funny stuff about
your history, how awful you were with women when you were
young. Could you just give us a brief history of how you became
one of the leading dating coaches in New York?

VIN: That is a good question. And you are right about me being pretty
bad when I was younger. I got married really young, actually when
I was 22. I know you got married young too, right?

ADAM: Yup.

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VIN: And mine though lasted only about six months. It's kind of those
marriages that were like out of desperation. She's really the first
girl that kind of paid any attention to me. And having complete
lack of control and choice and freedom and everything else, I got
married to her and, of course, it was disaster. And so after that I
kind of decided that it was one of those things that I wanted to get
handled. Being younger, made a lot of mistakes, really didn't have
my life together in many ways, not just with women but also
financially. I was actually working as a janitor at that time, driving
an old beat-up cleaning van.

ADAM: Sexy.

VIN: What's funny is actually, I developed my skills with women far


beyond the other skills in my life, which was kind of challenging.
You know, like taking women around in this kind of old beat-up
van, which is kind of the story of limiting beliefs about needing
money to be able to get women. But looking back, I'm realizing
that now having all the different parts of my life in order, as you
say, kind of being a king of your reality, that it makes it a lot easier,
definitely a lot more effortless when meeting women.

ADAM: So talk about what changes you made and how you became a
coach and what the fundamental principles you teach are.

VIN: Well, see, what changes that I make? Number one - jeez, that's a
good question - I think the biggest thing was really just the decision
to actually do something like this. The decision to kind of really
get a handle being aware that yes, there's a problem and this is
something that I wanted fixed. That's probably like the biggest
fundamental change that kind of cascades and so all these others
smaller changes, lifestyle changes, things like, going out lot more
often.

ADAM: Getting rid of the van?

VIN: Getting rid of the van, yeah, when I eventually could. Let's see
what else…

ADAM: But really the key thing is that you really made a decision to shift
your life.

VIN: Right, exactly.

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ADAM: That's what I was really going for because I think a lot of people
buy self-help books and they buy dating products and they buy
fitness products, and they never actually put them to use.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: So I just want to hit this point that at some point you say, "I can
make my life better, I'm going to do it. I commit to doing it." So I
wanted to just iterate to everyone out there, whoever is listening, all
this information is good information and you got to put it into
action. One of the key indicators of entrepreneurial success, by the
way - because I'm also a student of entrepreneurialism - is swiftness
of implementation. They found that the people who are truly
successful as entrepreneurs are people who learn something and
immediately put into action and test it and get going. And I want
to iterate that everything we learn today, I want people to put into
action immediately.

VIN: Right. That definitely applies to what I was doing because when I
was studying how to get better with women, I wasn't waiting for
success, I wasn't waiting till I had a better car, I wasn't waiting till I
made more money. I would just actually go out and try anyway
and take women back to my crappy one bedroom apartment and
take women back in my beautiful cleaning van. And I think one
problem that guys have is waiting especially once you get into 30s
and 40s, how much longer are you going to wait? You know, life is
there for the taking and it really is about taking action and making
that decision to take care of this.

ADAM: Absolutely. So let's talk about men as they leave that sort of early
phase of leaving a van and hitting the clubs, we start hitting 35s,
start hitting 40, I know you've coached guys really of all ages. And
I want you to just run down real fast before we get to the types of
women, which I think is fascinating stuff, I want you to run down
the mistakes that you see over and over guys, who are over 35,
making both internally and their interactions with women.

VIN: Yeah, I coached guys in the past 10 years of serving the, I guess
you called men's dating instruction industry, training literally
thousands of guys and probably half of all guys that show up at life
training events are in their 30s, 40s, 50s, I even had a few clients in
their 70s. And more importantly for myself, I'm getting into my
30's now; I definitely start to notice difference on how women
respond to me. And so, I guess selfishly I've been giving a lot of
thought to dating as I get older, getting into the peak phase in my
life and really have some leverage and get to work my fear.
116
So what I've noted is that most mistakes that guys make and there's
really five big ones that I'm going to talk about. The first one is
really being ashamed and hiding their age. They'll avoid the topic.
They'll lie about their age. If a woman asks how old they are, they
say, guess, and they'll play guessing games for five minutes.

ADAM: Terrible response.

VIN: It's terrible, yeah.

ADAM: Well, actually I do that sometimes. But I know because of how I


take care of myself they're always going to guess younger, so it's a
little ego thing for me.

VIN: Yeah. But you, I'm guessing that when you do it you don't make
them guess for half hour.

ADAM: About two years.

VIN: Two years?

ADAM: Yeah.

VIN: [Inaudible]

ADAM: Okay. So what is good response, by the way, that shows you're not
ashamed?

VIN: Well, you just say it outright without flinching, "I'm 48," or
whatever it is.

ADAM: Right.

VIN: What it really demonstrates is that if the guy is insecure, the age is
irrelevant. She could care less about the number. It's what she's
really reading as the energy and the vibe, and how does this guy
feel about his age. It's the age, it's how do you feel about it. Are
you insecure about it or are you confident, are you owning up to it?

ADAM: Good. Excellent point. And so, what do you do internally when
guys are ashamed of their age? What is the advice or coaching
process you give?

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VIN: When guys actually are being ashamed? Well, you have to realize
that there's distinct difference between men and women as they get
older. I think that as men get older, they actually get better and
more valuable, more attractive. Whereas women, in my point of
view is, they hit their peak in their early 20s and from there all of
woman's assets, all things that were attractive start to deteriorate.
Whereas the man becomes more experienced, he becomes
worldlier, he has more things that he can talk about, more life
experiences. And so, I think that a man's value really increases.

And just getting guys to realize that, and getting guide or maybe
lists all those things that is actually getting better in his life, things
that he's accumulating, will really change his focus and in helping
to understand it. That as he gets older, he can add more value to a
woman's life, as a teacher, as an authority, sort of like really guide
her.

ADAM: Excellent. True. By the way, all those throw in, yeah, we all
traditionally think all the things that we value in young women, that
their value goes down. But the rest of the things that do go up,
and I want to be fair, once you've dated enough young women, you
start to really appreciate a woman who's got some experience
herself and who is more settled in her life and is just a better
companion. So, I don't want to say that everything about a woman
goes down.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: Certainly, bodily, unfortunately.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: Okay, so that's one mistake. So men tend to be ashamed and hide
their age and what we should do is - it's great practice, by the way -
list everything you're getting better at in your life. And by the way,
if the stuff that you want to list and you're not listing, that you'd
like to handle, handle them. I mean, there's nothing stopping
anybody from just getting better and building more experience. It's
a matter of choice. Turning off the TV and giving your attention
to self-development, whatever it is, whether it's physical
development or emotional development, social development, it
doesn't matter, just do it.

VIN: Right. Never stop improving.

ADAM: Absolutely. Okay. So, what's the second biggest mistake?


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VIN: Alright. Number two that we found is that guys will over
compensate and act young. So, they're going to deny about their
age. I'll actually see guys that are dressing really young. They'll be
getting leather jackets and jewelry, like necklaces. And really,
there's nothing worse than an older guy trying to look like a
washed out punk rocker.

ADAM: Yup. It's funny, I'm in L.A. and I'm around a lot of musicians so I
know a lot of, I wouldn't even go washed out, they're actually really
famous musicians who are huge in the '70s and '80s and they still
dress that way.

VIN: Yeah. If you're a musician, it's fine. The problem is when you're
not.

ADAM: Exactly. So, what do you say to avoid?

VIN: Well, just basically a fashion makeover is what they needed. And
they need to understand, they need to own it. They need to own
their age and feel confident about it and really take that. It's almost
like a, I don't want to say persona, but it's almost like you want to
own up to your age and you want to be that distinguished,
experienced, sophisticated guy, that worldly guy that has life
experiences and when you become congruent with that and when
all the different parts of your life become congruent with that,
specifically, how you dressed and how you act, when those things
are all aligned you just become so much more powerful.

ADAM: Okay. So we're going to have part of this program, by the way,
we're talking to a Hollywood stylist, who is an expert in dressing
men. So we'll get some great incite on that

VIN: Oh, that's perfect.

ADAM: Alright. So, what are other mistakes that guys make?

VIN: So, the third mistake is when a guy gives away his power. And this
is critical when dating a woman that's younger. You absolutely
need to be the one that's in control, in control of your own life, not
chasing too hard, not coming on too strong. It might be okay if
you're 18 years old and you're dating a girl that's in the 20s, being
aggressive because she's going to understand that. But when you're
older, you need to be very self controlled, very acting natural and
letting her almost come to you a little bit.

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So, that will all conclude being in control of, being the lead on the
date, being the authority, sharing your experiences, showing her
what you can teach her about life, and just being the one that's
really the one that's in control of the relationship.

ADAM: Yeah. And there are simple ways of being in control. One of the
phrases our friend, John Alanis uses is "being in control but not
controlling." So, one of the ways you could show you're in control
or directive is if you're on a date, you have three places planned.
You actually have a plan and you're taking her from place to place.
It's much more exciting that just going to A place. That's just a
very small thing.

VIN: Yeah, exactly. That's right.

ADAM: And also not running after a girl is very, very important, especially
after 35, where there's so much abundance, by the way, because
you have doubled the dating pool.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: So, it's important to state your interest but do not run after. Okay.
What else?

VIN: Okay, number four is that, talking too much about money and
work and success.

ADAM: Yes. Good call.

VIN: That's a big one.

ADAM : And that's not so much of flaw of character, it's just that guys over
35 tend to be really focused on that.

VIN : Yeah, exactly. A lot of the guys, once they hit 30s, they tend to be
more successful, they start to hit stride in their career. And one of
the biggest difference when you're dating a younger woman is that,
yes, you are going to have more money than her, yes, you're going
to have more success, more knowledge about business, more
connections, more ability in general view things in life that you
want to do, but one huge turn off that women have with dating
older guys is that they focused too much on it, they talk about
money, they talk about their success way too much, and basically, it
just makes it hard to relate to that.

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Because even if you're successful - and being successful is great, I
think it's something that you absolutely should strive for - but as
far as attraction in women, that success in money is only get you so
far. And if it becomes too much of a big deal in your life and you
keep having this shove it in her face, she's not going to be able to
relate to that because really, all they want is a connection. They
want you to be able to relate under level, even with that success.

ADAM : And it's really true for any woman. You don't want to just be
talking about work, obviously.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: Okay. Especially in the case of younger women. And what's the
fifth thing you've seen big mistakes guys make?

VIN: The fifth and final would be assuming that all women are exactly
the same. And this happens because I think that when a guy is a
little bit older, he starts to just say, "Oh, she's a younger woman."
He might be dating a couple of women that are around his age and
then he'll just kind of see all of the other younger ones as like
exactly the same, and it's just not true.

The biggest advantage that guy can create for himself is, first,
acknowledging that all women are different but not really that
different.

ADAM: So, what's "not different"?

VIN: Well, to really illustrate this, I want you to imagine two very
different women, alright? We'll call them Mary and Candy.

ADAM: Can I have candy?

VIN: You have a girl named Candy?

ADAM: No, I think I'd prefer the one named Candy though, just on the
names.

VIN: Yeah, before I even described each one, I'm guessing that you
might be right on that.

ADAM: Okay, go ahead.

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VIN: Let's say that they're both 21 years old and in college. So most
guys would call them, would put them in the same exact category,
younger women.

But let's say that Mary's had only three serious boyfriends and she
likes to read, she likes to watch movies, she goes to church, she
likes to study for exams, she's not into casual dating, she's only had
sex with three guys and maybe she had one one-night-stand when
she was 19 that she regrets. Alright?

Candy has dated 20 guys in the freshman, sophomore years of


college. Let's say she goes to clubs, dresses very provocatively, gets
a lot of male attention, she gets hit on a lot and she's even thinking
about becoming a stripper.

Now, even though they're both 21 and let's say the guy dating them
is 35 years old, would he use the same strategy to date both
women? Would he expect them to be attracted to the same exact
things? I don't think that you would. I mean, what would you
think, Adam?

ADAM: No, exactly not, of course.

VIN: I mean, me and my best friend, we have a lot in common but we


can't agree even at like, who we find attractive.

ADAM: I think it really hit a key point here, because when I talk to a lot of
guys who I know through my programs, when I ask them, over 35,
over 40, what's the most important thing? A lot of them said, "I
want to date younger women." That's what they said. And they
have this category in their mind, but then it's natural, I mean that's
what the mind does, the mind creates categories and it helps to
organize the world, but it doesn't necessarily organized it into truth.

VIN: Right, that's true.

ADAM: So, that's already a huge lesson I just claimed from you today. If
anytime I say or anyone listening says a category of women know,
become immediately aware that you are so over generalizing, that
you're losing the specificity of the people you're talking to.

There might be a 23-year-old who might be your best companion if


you're 45. She might be brilliant and worldly and well-read. And
you might be a 45-year-old woman who - I had a woman say to
me, [inaudible] a hairdresser, "I've only read two books in my life."

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VIN: Wow!

ADAM: She knows I'm a writer, she says, "I've only read two books." I, of
course, asked what two books.

VIN: Those should be good ones.

ADAM: Elvis biography was the one I remember. So, if a girl is 23 and
well-read, she might be a much better companion for me. So,
anytime a man says, "I like younger women," know that you're
actually blinding yourself to what actually might be out there and I
think it will really be to detriment to not really meet each person as
an individual. There might a 25-year-old who's dying to go out
with a 45-year-old and I think a few 25-year-old who thinks it's
gross.

VIN: Right. That's true. Not only the age thing but I was actually talking
to a girl last night and she was saying that some of the things that
she loves that guys do for her, her best friend is completely
repulsed by them, like certain romantic things that guys will do, she
loves that stuff and her best friend hates it.

ADAM: There you go.

VIN: And they are the exact same age, I think they're both 21. So, being
aware of women's differences, and I'm going to get into this,
exactly how to do that. About two years ago, I started a research
project called the "Pandora's Box" that was kind of the code name
for, that was a kind of a secret project that I kept on the racks for a
long time, where we actually interviewed thousands of women, we
surveyed women, we dated every type of women possible, we did
video interviews, we read books on female psychology and we
really were able to isolate eight very specific female personality
types. And what's the striking difference is that two types can have
very, very different reaction to the same exact thing.

For example, sexual tension, using sexual language, I know this is


something that you're familiar with too, because you use a lot of
language and stuff that you do, right, Adam?

ADAM: Of course. Yeah, I'm a linguist and a writer by nature and by


profession, and I love how language can affect people, the choice
of a single word.

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VIN: Right, exactly. So, things like innuendo, strong sexual language,
aggressive touching, all that stuff that I would call sexual tension is
extremely powerful and get someone turn on really, really fast. But
the thing is, it's not going to have that same effect on every type of
women. It's really going to work with sexually confident, liberated
women, and with a girl that's more inexperienced or more of the
hurts, sexual language will have no reaction at all or it might even
freak her out.

ADAM: True.

VIN: The women that are more sexually open, they allow their sexual
experiences and images float freely in their consciousness
throughout the day. So, when you're using that language, what
you're basically doing is you're triggering those experiences and
you're activating those parts of our mind and when it works, it
works like crazy.

But when the girl is more reserved, she compartmentalizes sex. In


other words, she suppresses those sexual experiences and really
saves them for when she's feeling like super comfortable with a
guy.

ADAM: Super safe, yeah.

VIN: Yeah, exactly.

ADAM: Interesting. Well, look, I know you did two years of research and
I've seen a lot of it, but can we walk through those eight types, and
what specifically are the best ways to create rapport with each of
those eight types?

VIN: Sure. Okay, so, number one, we got the Playettes. And the
Playette is the type of girl that leads a lot of guys on, she's got like
10 guy friends who all want her and they all think they have a
chance with her, but she's not having sex with any of them, or
maybe just one of them. She'll only sleep with a guy that's got
long-term relationship potential and even when she does, she's still
going to have those guys as backups. And she's the type of girl
that's really good for a guy that just wants to have fun and if a guy
knows how to tame her, she can become really, really loyal.

ADAM: So, what is the best approach to dealing with someone like this, to
creating a connection?

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VIN: Alright. With Playette, the real way of getting her is to beat her at
her own game. In other words, let her know that you have other
options. Not in the way that's combative and not in the way that's
transparently trying to make her jealous, but just letting her know
that you can hang and that she's actually one of your options, is
going to prevent her from treating you like the rest of the other
guys and at the same time explaining in a way where you become
the first one to become intimate with her is really going to make it
happen a lot more faster.

ADAM: Very cool. So, you have to create scarcity because her game is to
create scarcity.

VIN: Exactly.

ADAM: And the obvious flipside of that, the mistake would be …

VIN: The mistake would be trying and compete with the other guys.

ADAM: Yeah. You don't enter her game, in other words, if she's a Playette.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: She's playing her game, and you don't play her game you play
yours. Well, they find that really frustrating at first. I'm having
some memories. When you don't respond like every other guy,
obviously, it makes it more interesting.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: So, give me an example. Give me a concrete example of what you


might say or handle a very specific challenge that she might put
out.

VIN: Well, one of the things that they'll do is, they'll try to bait you into
competing with other guys in their life. So, they will do something
like, talk about how she's hanging out with this guy or that guy.
I was actually dating a girl one time and she said that, "Yeah, it will
be cool to have like, all you guys come over and hang out at the
same time." And I think the gut instinct for most men would be to
be like, "Okay, sure." And then try to go and like try to compete
with the other guys, try to show that you're more out for her or try
to show that you're cooler, you make more money, or whatever
else more than the other guys.

125
But the key really is to not compete with them at all. Say you want
to be outside of that room or that group of guys. Because the
truth is she's not really sleeping with any of them, so you don't
want to get stuck into that group.

ADAM: Okay. Excellent. What's the second type?

VIN: The Social Butterfly. So, this is like the typical party girl, she's
pretty, energetic, talks to everyone including you and leaves
everyone wanting more. But you don't know if she's flirting or
she's just like, whatever you want, and she knows exactly what she's
doing. She's probably dating multiple guys but this, the Social
Butterfly, is different than the Playette because the social butterfly
is actually having sex with both of the guys, getting physical with
them. She's a lot more sexually liberated than the Playette but in
the back of her mind she's looking for that ideal guy to settle down
with.

ADAM: Interesting. Alright. So, to create rapport with someone like this,
she's obviously used to getting a lot of attention as well, how do
you create rapport with someone like that?

VIN: Well, in terms of creating rapport, definitely a lot of the same


techniques applied from the Playette like showing that you have
options too. But remember, she maybe sleeping with other guys so
you want to really get outside of the realm of the other guys by
pushing her limits in the bedroom (that's assuming that you are
having sex with her).

By being more experienced, this is really where being older is


actually huge advantage because when you're older and you have
more experience, it's a lot easier to kind of share that experience
with her, and social butterflies are actually very much drawn to
guys with a lot of experience.

ADAM: So, what kind of experience would you put forward, beyond the
bedroom, just in talking someone like that, if you're at a party and
you know that she's the kind of girl that gets everyone's attention?

VIN: Well, let's see, a lot of stuff that you talk about, Adam, is really
great. I noticed this from hanging out with you the other night is
that you have a lot of experience in entertainment and things like
that, you have life experience with famous people, you're very well-
traveled, and anything along those lines is going to be very
powerful with a social butterfly.

126
ADAM: Yeah. Intrigued.

VIN: Intrigued, exactly.

ADAM: So, some examples, some things a guy can do, by the way, if you
can't get her off exotic travel, which I'm making a point to do, not
that it's easy for me always, but I make it a point to keep my mind
and life fresh because I get bored really easily and if I'm boring
myself chances are I'm going to bore women. So I try to do really
interesting exotic travel.

I also try to become expert in sort of interesting things for women.


For example, I just discovered when I was really starting to learn
about tantra a few years ago, I discovered that whenever I sat in a
café, which that's all we do in L.A., of course, whenever I sat in a
café and had a big book of tantra in front of me and I held it up as
I read it, inevitably a conversation would start. A woman would
come over and start talking to me.

So, do things that are interesting to women, start building up


experience, things that are interesting to them. I mean, a man who
takes time to learn how to be a better lover is unusual manner in
this culture.

VIN: Right. Another thing you could do with this type of a woman
since she is experienced is very dominating physically. And I'm not
saying like, pushing her around or anything but having a playful
energy and controlling. Like, if you're dancing with her, guiding
her body, spinning her around, if you're standing in a crowded area,
throw her over your shoulder in arm, walk to less crowded spot.
Like, just being really physically authoritative is going to work really
well with this type of woman.

ADAM: And thinking nothing of it, not make a deal of it. Just throw her
over your shoulder, carry, put down, and start a conversation as if
nothing happened.

VIN: Right. Big, fun movements are very exciting to this type of
woman.

ADAM: Big, fun movements, I like that. Okay. Like dipping her, is a great
thing.

VIN: Exactly.

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ADAM: By the way, if you dip her - I was a dancer, believe it or not, in my
youth - if you dip her, hold her down there where if you let go she
would fall - of course, you're not going to let go - but hold here in
a position for a few extra seconds and then let her up slowly. Let
her experience that thrill of falling almost in your arms and then,
again, don't make a big deal out of it. It's the same thing as
carrying her over your shoulder, if you make a big deal, "Look what
I've done" now you've blown the coolness.

VIN: Right. Sometimes you'll do that and a girl will be like, "Let me
down. Let me down." But it's not that she's like really upset, as
long as she's not really upset, she's just telling you to let her down,
a lot of guys get scared, "Oh, okay, sorry, I didn't mean to do that"
all apologetic for what they did, that's the wrong way of
approaching it. You have to do it authoritatively and stand behind
what you do, stand behind your decisions.

ADAM: Yes, excellent! Well said. Okay, that's the social butterfly. I like
big, broad physically motions. Excellent. What's the next, third
type?

VIN: The Hopeful Romantic. This is the type of girl that's, she's really
waiting for her perfect man and she's the type of girl that's going to
hold back everything until she finds the guy that fulfills her.

Now, here's the catch, and this is something that most guys don't
realize is that you don't really have to be perfect. And I mean,
between you and me, what guy really is perfect? But what's really
important is the potential to be a perfect guy for her. She wants to
see you as a work in progress.

If she's going to date you to try to improve you, be careful because


if she fix you, if she has something she's trying to fix with you, one
mistake that a lot of guys make is that they will let her fix them,
they'll change too much for her. And that's boring because then
she loses the thing that attracted her in the first place.

ADAM: Excellent! That's really true. This is the danger of getting into
relationship before you're both kind of cooked. When you're both
under-cooked…

VIN: Under-cooked?

ADAM: Right, under-cooked, when you get into a relationship too early.
As you and I both did, got married 23-24, I got married kind of

128
savior-saved relationship and what happens if she wasn't cooked, I
wasn't cooked either. But I was…

VIN: I still am not sure I understand what you mean by cooked.

ADAM: Just think of like, meat that's not ready. Like, you're not really ripe
for a relationship. Like, you haven't really simmered long enough.

VIN: Got that.

ADAM: So, if you get involved in a savior-saved relationship, whether it's a


younger woman or your same age, there's a certain dynamics that
you brings you together. Now what happens is soon enough her
attitude would be, "Why are you telling me what to do, you don't
respect me," and your attitude would be, "What's wrong with you,"
and "How come you don't have it together?" Right?

VIN: Right.

ADAM: Even though that's really what brought you together. The flipside
of that is that sometimes the woman develops, or the saved person
develops, and then now they're in unsteady relationship because
they're not really sure how to relate to each other. Right? So they
have to adjust to that new dynamic.

So it's very dangerous to get into a relationship, to lock yourself


into a relationship before you're booth cooked, in other words,
before you really both understand each other and you could
communicate, more or less, as equals.

VIN: Exactly, yeah. And another thing, some things that work really
well for the Hopeful Romantic, eye contact, being direct. By being
direct, I mean demonstrating and showing your intention that you
do want a romantic relationship with this girl but not by saying it
with words.

I was actually on a phone coaching with a guy the other day and he
was asking me if I thought it was a good idea for him to kind of
come out and tell her his feelings for her. Now, this is a guy who
hasn't kissed her yet. And I said, no, don't do that. What you can
do is you can show her with your body language, how you touch
her, how you look at her, show her your interest that way, show
her by physical expression, show her by becoming intimate with
her. If you try to do it with words, it almost tends like asking for
permission, which is usually bad.

129
ADAM: It's also putting all your cards on the table, which is a little weak.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: By the way, here's a nice tip in that area and I didn't strategize this,
I just realized it was coming out of my mouth, but the woman who
I'm seeing now, I found myself saying to her, because I really felt it,
I said, "I love the person you've become, I love the person you
created, I love the person you're turning out to be," and I meant it.
I just like how she handles life. I really respect how she's living, the
choices she's made. "I love the way you've chosen."

VIN: It's a great compliment.

ADAM: Yeah, well, she's a great woman. Another way you can say it is -
and this is a lovely thing - is to say, "I love the way you treat
people. I love the way you're so gracious with that person, who is
such as creep, or who was angry. I just love how you handled that."

So you can use the love word without saying, "Oh, I love you," or
"I'm yours, now walk on me," or you can love very specific virtues
of theirs that you really cherish and that you're showing you
actually see. And I know because I pay attention to women, a lot
of women say to me, "You see me in ways that other people don't
see me." And I think it's just because I'm paying attention and I'm
looking for things to cherish.

VIN: You're spending all the energy at love without coming across weak.
You're showing appreciation at something very specific and you're
sending her that energy without saying that I love you. Saying I
love you is, most guys say that so they can hear it back. They're
not doing it because they're giving something to the woman,
they're doing it because they need it, and they need to hear it.

ADAM: Or it's a quick door way to sex.

VIN: Is it?

ADAM: Yeah.

VIN: I'm not so sure about that.

ADAM: Well, let's do an experiment.

VIN: Sure.
130
ADAM: But I want to say another thing, about being over 35, by the way,
and this is actually a little more about being a parent. I've been a
parent for 19 years, oddly enough, and part of being an integrated,
full, mature masculine is having paternal energy. It doesn't mean
that you actually have to spit out babies, but it means that your
approach to the world is a little bit nurturing like a king. And I
read about this is in the core, sort of book of this program, it's
really looking at the world around you, creating order, creating a
sense of safety, looking out for people and being the bestower of
value.

And one of the great trainings for me, I think with women, this
may sound odd, has been being a parent because with children it's
natural to look for the wonderful things about them and encourage
them to keep being that. "I really like how you handled that
situation in the playground, that was really mature, that was really
beautiful."

And I realized just in talking about women, that's kind of how I


trained myself to deal with my children. It's to look for those, what
we call in the parenting business, "teaching opportunities," right?

VIN: Right.

ADAM: Where something happens and you point out how great they were
in that situation and you kind of encourage that quality in them. So
it's really the same with women and part of being a king, more or
less, in your world, is to bestow values, is to say, when you say, "I
love the graciousness," "I love how graciously you handled that
situation," you're saying my core value is graciousness and I am
giving you your certificate, more or less, by giving credit based on
your core values.

VIN: Whatever you point out, whatever you bring attention to, will
amplify that and create more of it. So a big mistake that guys make
is that they usually comment about things that they don't like, "Oh,
you're such a bitch, why are you so critical of me?" and that will
make the woman become more critical.

What you really want to do is focus on the things that you want
more of. Just like you said, telling her she's gracious, you're very
giving, you're very affectionate and that will create more of that.

ADAM: Absolutely. Well said. And by the way, guys - so I'm going to take
a step back - there's a book called "The 5 Love Languages," I'm
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sure you know it. And in it, he talks about how - I think Chapman,
is the name - he talks about there are five fundamental categories
of how people liked to be loved, like how you know that you are
loved, one of them is touch, one of them is words. So, often
people in a relationship will love the other person in the way that
they themselves like to be loved, but it doesn't feel like love to the
other person.

So, I'm very careful in a relationship to let the other person know I
really love it when you do that, I like to be touched, I like her arms
on me, I like her hands on me. Even when we're on public, we
went to an event last night and her hand is always on my shoulder,
on my back, and I just keep telling her how much that made me
feel loved. So let your partner know what's important to you.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: Okay, cool. Let's move on to the next one, this is fun.

VIN: Okay. Number four is the Cinderella. The Cinderella is the type
of girl that loves to fall in love. She actually gets intimate with guys
very quickly just because to her she's finding Mr. Right again and
again and again.

ADAM: Wow!

VIN: But the thing is if you don't quickly satisfy her needs, her idea of a
relationship, she's going to run away and start looking for Mr.
Right all over again.

ADAM: She sounds dangerous.

VIN: Can be dangerous. But really to her, it's a painful experience. It's
frustrating to think she's falling in love with a good guy and to get
intimate with him very quickly and then to be let down. So,
constantly looking for the next guy and she's often a victim of
repeated heartbreak.

So, the best thing a guy can do with this type of girl is to be very
protective of her, not coming off like a player, being direct, being
honest, really showing her that it's you and her. There's something
we called the "us-frame," which is framing everything like it's you
and me, it's us and then there's everything else, there's the rest of
the world. So what are we going to do, what kind of adventures
are we going to have in the future? Talking about those things,
finding out what excites her and becoming part of that.
132
ADAM: Right. Lance Mason has a great thing, he calls it the "judgment
game," it's called the "intuition game" where if you're out with her,
you look at another couple and you say, and you observe what's
happening between them and say, "Well, I think he's much more
into her than she is into to him." And she'll say, "How do you
know that?" He says, "Well, look how he's leaning in but she's not.
I don't think she's really into with him, what do you think?" And
then you look at another couple, suddenly you're a team, you're
giving the us experience.

VIN: Right, exactly.

ADAM: And the biggest mistake to make with this Cinderella kind of
woman, besides getting involved with her, from my point of view?

VIN: That could be the mistake that if you want to be in relationship


with her, you let her down, being a player, trying to keep it too
casual because that's going to give her the signal that you want a
relationship, she's going to see that as this guy wants a relationship
with me, and so she's going to be falling in love - the biggest
mistake is having a Cinderella as a casual sex partner.

ADAM: Beautiful. Okay. What's the fifth category that you found?

VIN: Alright. This one we call Your Private Dancer. Your Private
Dancer is the type of girl that's very picky, she talks to a lot of guys
but she only gets intimate with certain one, and she's realistic, she
knows the benefits of a great relationship, she knows how a great
relationship will strengthen each other. So therefore, she preserves
herself for that one guy and then will give everything to that one
guy.

So this actually makes a very good girlfriend, very loyal, when she
meets a guy like that she definitely opens up to him completely.
They usually help each other's career; they usually help each reach
goals. So this is a great girl that would be a great girlfriend.

ADAM: She sounds like a good one. I like this one. The Cinderella scares
me. Anyone who has that dream of perfection scares me. I
actually warn guys on online dating to avoid anyone who uses
knight in shining armor language or Cinderella language or fairy
tale language, you're heading for trouble.

VIN: Right.

133
ADAM: Unrealistic. So I like this one, Your Private Dancer, so I'm putting
a check mark next to that one for me.

VIN: Okay.

ADAM: Let's see who else I can have. Who's next?

VIN: Okay. Seductress.

ADAM: Okay, check!

VIN: The Seductress is usually more experienced herself, often women


will become more like Seductress as they get older, but that's not to
say that you can't meet a young Seductress. But a Seductress is a
type of woman that goes after her goals, she's very into her career,
they're kind of go-getters, when she sees a guy that she likes she's
going to go and get him, they often have a lot of experience, sexual
experience, they can teach you about sex, they can teach you about
life.

And the key to getting a girl like this really is getting her to chase
you. Really because they're such go-getters, if you can position
yourself, if you can hold back a little bit, use a lot of heavy
intrigues, kind of use a lot of sexual framing, where you're the
sexual prize, then you can get her actually chasing you. And she's
the type of woman that's not going to stop until she gets you.

ADAM: Nice. And how do you position yourself that way? What do you
do?

VIN: Well, it has a lot to do with rewarding her for sex. So, in other
words, instead of - one of the dynamics that I like to teach people
is that you don't want to put work in order to earn sex with a
woman, you never want to have grounds of fancy dates, you never
want to like drive really far, buy her all kinds of gifts in the hopes
of having sex with her. Because that's going to create like terrible
dynamic where you have to keep spending more and more every
time you want to have sex with her.

So, on the contrary, what you can do with the Seductress and they
respond very well to this, is that you will get her to do things.
First, doing little things like having her pick up little things from
the store, like a magazine, having her cook for you, getting her to
do little things for you and then rewarding her with sex.

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ADAM: So you'd shift the dynamic.

VIN: Exactly. Using your physical contact as a reward for her and what
that will do is that will get her chasing you.

ADAM: Very nice. We have a part of this program, is a fellow named


Professor X, who has the "Gentleman's Guide to Dating Seriously
Younger Women," and he has a beautiful way of shifting the
dynamic of seduction thing. By having her light the candles and
having her choose the glasses and choosing the alcohol from the
closet, that kind of thing.

VIN: Oh, that's great.

ADAM: Oh, he's genius. He makes her active, even though it's his
apartment. It's all set but it's like those, what you call those…

VIN: Getting her to choose, that's really clever. Cool.

ADAM: He's an evil genius. That's why he's part of this program. I've
never met anyone who has thought this out more deeply, honestly.
But it's like those meals you get, what do they call, half-baked
meals? From the supermarket, that are almost done and you just
put them in the final 15 minutes into the oven? I can't remember it
off hand, but it's kind of what he does. He has everything set but
then has her do the final actions to complete the seduction such as
this.

VIN: Wow, that's great!

ADAM: Clever boy. Okay. So, that's great, I like what you had said about
that, get her to do little things, pick up little things for you.
Excellent. Who's our next type?

VIN: Number seven - we're on number seven, right?

ADAM: Mm-hmm, I think so.

VIN: So, the Connoisseur. The Connoisseur is a very practical, very


selective woman. This type of girl will screen out players and so
what you want to do with this type of girl is don't come on too
hard, you want things long-term. If she gets the hint that you're
only in it for the short-term then will not get intimate with you. So
she takes it long time but is worth the wait.

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So this is a woman for a guy that's career driven, looking for a
girlfriend where they can both really encourage each other's lives
together. She's usually very powerful, self-sufficient and she's not
going to be very dependent on you. So I'm guessing that would be
another one that you like.
ADAM: I'm checking off a bunch of these, I want one of each. It's like a
Chinese menu.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: Okay. So that's excellent. Do we know how to treat her? Then,


okay, so she's definitely not - you don't play silly games with
someone like this?

VIN: Yeah, don't play games. Don't come off like a player. Like a
Playette, you want to show that you got other options. But with
the Connoisseur, you want to almost show that you are investing a
long-term potential with her - that is, if you want her to be your
girlfriend.

ADAM: Excellent. And by the way, let's do number eight but I want to talk
about, I'm sure in your Pandora's Box system, you have very clear
indicators, number one, of how you know which is which and,
number two, how you know which is better for you? But let's get
to that in a second, so what's the eighth one?

VIN: The eighth one is the Modern Woman. This is the type of girl that
wants one guy but she is going to date around. It's very modern to
date around and date a lot of guys. She's sexually liberated and
she's not the type of girl that going to make a guy wait for six
months for sex. She knows the value of functional, realistic
relationship and she will invest in a guy heavily if she feels that they
can contribute to each other's lives.

So with this type of girl you want to actually show that you're doing
things for her and you want to also show her that she can help you.
You want to show her that she's actually valuable to you, whatever
it is that you're doing in your career, show her that you value what
she has to say, you value her opinions and things like that, and
she'll definitely feel a very strong connection when you do that.

ADAM: Excellent. I like her too. You're making life difficult for me. So
let's me ask you, kind of the obvious screaming question, in many
ways, we're predetermined to be attracted to each other according
to our types, so how does - well, first of all, how should a guy, once

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he really understands these eight types, how should he know which
one is really best for him? Like, where does he put his energy?

VIN: Well, I think the best answer is a lot of experimentation. I mean,


looking at these types, hearing about them, I can say, "Well, Your
Private Dancer sounds really good," or, "The Cinderella sounds
terrible."

But really, you need the experience, you need to experience the
different types, and just knowing what you've dated in the past
definitely doesn't work.

A lot of the idealist types, for these types of idealists, and what you
mentioned about the knight in shining armor and things like that,
that can cause a lot of problems for certain types of guys. I'm kind
of like that too, where I have that preference of, I do like the more
realistic women more than the idealist ones. But aside from
experience, what sounds most appealing to you.

ADAM: I guess you have to kind of experiment with different ones as your
own character comes into formation. By 35, 40, you should have
some idea of what really appeals to you.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: Now, have you broken down - it would be interesting, I don't


know if you have yet - to break down, I'm sure there are eight
parallel types for men.

VIN: Yeah, I think there are, although I haven't really codified that yet.

ADAM: That would be interesting.

VIN: It would.

ADAM: Guys could look at themselves and say, "I wonder which my
dominant is and who I would pair off best with for the long-term?"

VIN: Exactly.

ADAM: Hah! That would be interesting. Maybe we'll do a follow-up.

VIN: Yes, definitely a possibility.

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ADAM: I think that would actually serve guys to help them figure out who
they are and see who would match.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: The thing is we're often attracted to the same thing that we don't
have in our lives. There's theory called "imago therapy." It's kind
of therapy, the basic principle, if I remember is that we're attracted
to thing that we don't have and then we get into a relationship with
the thing we don't have and start absorbing it.

VIN: Yeah.

ADAM: Yeah, then we resent the person.

VIN: Oh, wow.

ADAM: Or we don't absorb it, we resent them for having them because we
really want it but then we discovered it's not us.

VIN: What happens when we get it?

ADAM: Then you don't need that person.

VIN: Then you don't need them anymore?

ADAM: And you then get divorced and you'd look for the next thing that
you need. It's kind of predatory. I mean, men and women do it,
and I don't think they do it consciously, by the way.

VIN: Right. That's only you can see that.

ADAM: Yeah, here's a great example, somebody who's like kind of maybe
bookish and serious and she meets a really fun guy and they get
along really well, they get married. She becomes really fun and
then she looks to him, it's like, "I don't need him for fun. I'm
having fun. What I want is a guy who's an idealist, who's doing
something great in the world." And then she leaves him and goes
to that guy.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: So, it happens all the time and, in fact, I think it happens to almost
every relationship as we start absorbing what the other person has

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or not there's a certain level of that resentment. So you have to be
aware in a relationship.

VIN: Yeah.

ADAM: It's not hopeless, but…

VIN: That theory does make it sound kind of hopeless.

ADAM: I know, right? Well, it's true. Harvel Hendrix, by the way, I think
he's the one who's the expert, Harvel Hendrix.

VIN: Oh yeah.

ADAM: The key, of course, is to be aware of your dynamic as it's changing


and, of course, it sounds dark if that fun guy, for example, doesn't
also develop. So somebody becomes static in their life, chances are
the person you're with is going to outgrow you.

VIN: So, always be changing.

ADAM: Yeah, constantly changing, constantly growing, and pushing your


edge as a man so a woman can admire you. And then once you
stop pushing your edges, women stop admiring you.

VIN: Right, that's true.

ADAM: That's true.

VIN: So, yeah, there are eight types of women and may seem
overwhelming like, "Oh, my God, I got to like figure out all eight
types and stuff like that." But we've actually developed a system,
and it's actually online, a 9-question quiz that you can take online
to quickly figure out a woman's type.

So basically you go to the site, answer just nine questions about a


girl you like and it's going to tell you exactly what type she is. It
tells you her sexual preferences, what she's attracted to a man, and
also a few tips to be able to get her.

ADAM: Where is that quiz?

VIN: Pandoraquiz.com

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ADAM: Okay, cool. And then what happens if they take the quiz and if
somebody actually got your Pandora's Box system, what else would
they learn? Like, you just run through the eight types, so what's in
this system and what kind of information is there?

VIN: Well, there's a whole bunch of background and how it was


developed. There's also a full version of the quiz in there where
you can type in some stuff and it will you exactly what type of girl
she is. It's going to teach you how to do mind reading, which is
how to profile a woman very quickly, how to tell what kind of type
she is very quickly, and then there's strategy, advance strategies for
all eight types.

ADAM: So, how to open a discussion and how to lead a discussion, how to
touch those…

VIN: Yeah, how do I know what she wants to talk about, how to touch
her, how to get her turned on? The types all very different in the
best way of getting her turned on quickly?

And then most importantly, how to form a relationship? That's


what you're going after.

ADAM: Oh, that, yes.

VIN: Yes.

ADAM: I'd looked at the system, you've done an amazing amount of work
and I think it's really helpful for men to be paying attention to the
difference, to the uniqueness of women. On not only the types
but, again, going back to where we talked about before, find those
little things to cherish, to cherish her for who she is and just to take
a huge step backward.

When you've dated a bunch, and I've dated a bunch, and you've
been with lots of different women, it's very easy to wish that one
woman had everything.

VIN: Yeah.

ADAM: And just like, I'm sure, it's easy for women to wish there's one guy
that had all of it.

VIN: That's like the biggest problem.

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ADAM: Yes.

VIN: Sometimes I think that because of how much I've dated, it become
very difficult to be satisfied.

ADAM: Yes. We're in the same boat. And there's a book, in Economics
called the "Paradox of Choice" where choice actually seemed like a
great thing but it actually has some huge downside. And this is one
of them.

So, the point I want make about that is, that if you're going to
choose a type and you understand what her type is, you have to
make, for relationship purposes; you have to make the conscious
decision to cherish the things about her that's within that type.
And to let go of all those other things you might have gotten with
the other types and the make a conscious decision to vocally
cherish those things. You should ongoingly cherish those little
things about her, the behavioristic things, the tiny little touches, the
little expressions of love that she gives so that you can keep that
relationship deepening.

But once you understand these types, and I think it's really essential
to really cherish her for being part of that type, as well as
cherishing her unique individual things.

VIN: Yeah. When I started these projects, going into these project, there
was - I don't want to say, there was something missing in my
relationships with women - and by going through all these research
and understanding that everything that she does is really just her
own survival mechanism, it's her own way of protecting herself,
you start to really getting an appreciation, you start to love them
more for who they are and you start to empathize with them,
empathize with their challenges.

So it really changed me and changed my perspective on women


and it's really made me a master of all female psychology and able
to connect with them a lot more deeply.

ADAM: It's funny, I know you sell to men generally as a mind reaching, I
mean up front, but it's really a route to compassion. But if you
called it the Pandora Box system a route to compassion, I think
you'd have to go back to working as a janitor.

VIN: It's probably true.

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ADAM: I think men actually want to be that man but they don't necessarily
buy, invest in their own education to get there. I think they invest
because they want the secret sauce, and I think your system has the
secret sauce, which is the mind reading, but the delicious dessert is
the development of compassion of heart.

VIN: Right.

ADAM: So, I want to thank you, number one, for doing all that work
because I learned a lot. And also, I thank you for showing up and
running us through quickly to your system. There's obviously a lot
more there.

The quiz is at pandoraquiz.com?

VIN: Right.

ADAM: You named it Pandora before Avatar came up, I'm guessing.

VIN: Yeah, it's been kind of Pandora's Box for over a year.

ADAM: But the site is pandoraquiz.com

VIN: Pandoraquiz.

ADAM: I'm going to do the quiz right now. So you just go over take the
quiz and check out, put in details about a particular woman that
you might like and turning out more information. I'm sure there's
probably more information on that page on how to get your
system and learn more about it.

VIN: Yeah, the quiz is free. It's completely free. It will give you
information about the girl for free, but if you do want to invest
more and check out the Pandora's Box then you can do that too.

ADAM: Very cool. Okay, Vin, thank you so much for taking your time on
a late Friday afternoon. I really appreciate that.

VIN: Thanks a lot

ADAM: I'll see you soon. I'll be back in New York in a couple of weeks.

VIN: Alright, cool. Talk to you later.

ADAM: Have a great week, everybody.


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***

Hone Your Body For Vitality - Jon Benson

ADAM: Hey there welcome. Today we are talking to a good friend of mine
Jon Benson. John are you out there in Dallas?

JON: I am out here in Dallas. Yes I am. How are you doing Adam?

ADAM: I'm great. I'm sitting here by the ocean in Santa Monica so I'm a
happy boy. Say again?

JON: I'd rather be where you are absolutely.

ADAM: I'm actually looking at the pier in Santa Monica out the window.
John is a really good friend of mine. We have socialized together
and John is one of the few people I know who is just absolutely
fearless, bold, happy, funny, approaches every good looking
woman when he wants to when he's not in a relationship. Really
comfortable with his body and his body is fairly unusual. He's a
body builder and not just a body builder. What I love about John is
that really his specialty is holistic living, mine body connection. He
has three bestselling books on health, diet and he applies the mind
body connection to everything including fitness and dating. Does
that roughly sum up where you are right now John?

JON: Yeah roughly that's it. That's it. Thanks Adam. I'll take that.

ADAM: I've known you a while and John really owns the room and we're
going to talk about a few things today but I think every man over
40. I think you're 43?

JON: I am 46.

ADAM: 46 okay. So we're going to talk about a few things today. We're
going to talk about confidence. We're going to talk about humor
which you're great at. Heart and depth, complexity. We're going to
talk about fitness and we're going to talk about mystery. So let's
start right in the beginning with, actually let's bring fitness to the
top and how it relates to confidence. Talk a little bit about fitness

143
as a man over 40. What that looks like. What it should look it.
What it shouldn't look like.

JON: Well and we're going to address this specifically for guys over 40
who are wanting to date and in my case and in your case usually
that's dating girls that are younger than you are and for whatever
reason. For my reason it's because I possibly still want to have
children so that's a very valid reason. I'm simply more attracted to
women in their 20's and 30's for some very odd reason.
Everybody's got their own valid reason but it has nothing to do
with a trophy wife, that kind of thing for me. Whatever your
reasons are, I can tell you that you need to start at the core, the
foundation and that is the body. Despite what women may tell you,
the fact of the matter is they do look at the body and they do care
what you look like. Now I will give women this in spades that they
have the capability of overlooking that more so than any guy I've
ever met. I mean they can really just overlook the body if they fall
in love with a man but let's just make the game a little easier
because they can overlook it but there's still going to be more
pleasured by a guy who's got a good physique.

Now when I say good physique I'm not talking about being a body
builder unless that's what you want to be. I'm just talking about
trimming off the excess fat, making sure that in the fashion stuff
that you do tuck your shirt in; by the way there are actually things
you want to tuck your shirt in, that you look good. That there's no
fat hanging over your belt. You don't look paunchy. That can take
up to 10 or 15 years off of your looks just by being trim. That's like
having a tight waist line and being trim.

So fitness to me is a huge component and I think we should


definitely start there for guys. You've got to make it a top priority.

ADAM: One of the things that you once told me was that it's important to
look young but look your age so that's really important. I mean you
know how it is. You see guys whose hair is dyed like super black on
a face that really should not be with totally black hair or orange. I
don't get that one. So that's one thing. The hair color done wrong
but what do you mean by that when you talk about that looking
young but looking your age young?

JON: There's like a fine line. The move Spinal Tap basically there's a fine
line between clever and stupid which is a great line, somewhat true
but there's a fine line between anti-aging and looking younger than
you really are and then looking like a ridiculous clown. I mean
there's a fine line there and you cannot education someone on
144
aesthetics. You cannot say this is good. This is bad per se from an
aesthetic level. All you can do is say here's what you would
recommend.

So what I mean by that, by look young but look your age. I'm
going to use humorous examples. Not a good idea to walk into a
party with your jeans pulled down halfway below your ass and go
yo homey. What's up? This is probably not a good idea if you're 52
years old. I'm just going to throw it out as not a good idea
especially if you're white 52 year old fat guy. That's an extreme
example but guys do this all the time.

Let's say they're 35 or whatever and they're trying to go to these


clubs where the average age is 21. You already stick out. This is the
worst place, the worst thing you can do in my opinion. If you're
wanting to attract those girls and you like that kind of music then
there's places to go that have a mix of those ages and have that
kind of music going on at the same time but you're just going to
look silly in those places just as we would have thought when we
were 21. You're going to look like you're some loner trying to fit in
and you've got to take that attitude into how you look as far as
fashion is concerned. In other words find a young look that works
for you. Like find a guy that you think is really cool that's near your
age that's famous.

I always talk about role models Adam as you know. Role models all
throughout that are 40, role models are all models because that's
the easiest way to do it. Find somebody who's already succeeded
and go oh just duplicate what they're doing.

ADAM: Who do you look too?

JON: Johnny Depp. I can picture that one very easy. Johnny Depp as far
as the fashion role model. I mean because I'm more of a rock and
roll guy and tattoos, jewelry, that kind of thing and now granted
Depp isn't a body builder but he's got a great flair for fashion. He's
hilarious guy. He definitely looks 15, 20 years younger than he
really is and he's got a great fashion sense. In fact I've got the new
GQ sitting right here on my desk and he is on the cover of this 25
most stylish men in 2010 so obviously other people think so too
and he's a fabulous actor so put all that together and you get a
good role model.

So he can wear clothes that other guys who are 46, 47 can't and
primarily because a) he's got a great head of hair b) he's got a lean

145
physique. These things go along way. It depends on how well
you're put together.

ADAM: Anyone else come to mind? Anyone else come to mind for other
guys that you thing might be valuable? I mean I think everyone
buys GQ, buys Esquire, have a look.

JON: Buy GQ, buy Esquire, those are the two best by far. Read through
there. Look at the fashions especially in GQ and Esquire. Those
two magazines in particular have a lot on male fashions over 40
and in other words there's ways you can still look very cool and
very contemporary without looking like again you're trying to be
the clown at the party and the best tip I can give anyone, any guy
especially if you're over 40. If you're in your 30's still you can
probably still get by with this but if you're in your 40's or 50's, hire
a fashion consultant. It's not going to cost you that much money
and most guys in their 40's and 50's can afford it anyway. Younger
girl that knows how to dress because remember they know what
they're looking for more than you do. Don't go to your guy friends,
go does this look cool? Go to your girl friends, especially the ones
that are the age that you're wanting to attract and go what does this
look like to you? And again this is a form of role modeling. It's
getting the opinion of someone who's your age.

Now again some people just have a knack for fashion. They just
immediately get it but.

ADAM: Don't go to the mall and as a 16 year old.

JON: Exactly. If that's your target market well then good luck but raise it
a few years or move to Louisiana but if you're target is I'm wanting
to date 22 year old girls and you're 55 years old, again it's a reach
but you can do it but if you're going to be able to pull that off then
you'd better have some 22 year old girl friends who can give you
the what's up.

ADAM: Jon I'm glad you mentioned this. I'm going to add an interview to
this series. A friend of mine is a Hollywood stylist. I know a lot of
women who dress stars and dress people for film. Now that you
mention it maybe I'll throw that in to this whole product. I think
it's important. I think a lot of guys really have no idea. I've let
women dress me. It's fine. I've learned everything from them. I
have no shame in admitting that. I would still be wearing sweats
and cutoff T-shirts from college.

146
JON:: There you go. It's all about, we talked about mastery. It's all about
mastery. You don’t become a master at anything unless you listen
to other people.

ADAM: Alright. Let's actually grab that right there. This is a huge point and
you and I really share a passion for this. The way we live our lives.
The way we build our businesses, our relationships. You said to me
either dabble or you become a master. You either dabble or you're
the master. Say something more about that because I think that's
exactly why people are studying this stuff with us.

JON: Well there's a great book called Mastery and I've had it for 20 years
now I guess and he refers to people who are not masters as
dabblers and I thought that was a perfect description.

ADAM: Who's the author?

JON: George Leonard is the author.

ADAM: Okay. Never heard of it. I will order it. I mean it's true. It's funny,
you know I've been working with David Deida for a while and he
talks about sexuality. Most people just sort of dabble on the
surface. They never really go deep which is why one of the reasons
I created Eroticmastery.com by the way in case you haven't seen it
which is really how to be a great lover. I'm interviewing people
who are experts in different aspects of the body and eroticism,
something else to master. So you bring mastery obviously, I mean
your body obviously and I want to get to what a good body should
look like over 40. We talked about slimming but what about how
you live your live because you are and I'll say this I've known you a
couple of years, you're one of the most disciplined people I know.
So what can you say about lifestyle outside of dating, outside of
body consciousness. How else are you disciplined? What do you
recommend about just having mastered your life because that
carries over into confidence?

JON: Yeah it does. I mean again I'll go back to the fine line. I'm a big
believer in finding that fine line and it depends on what your goals
are whether you cross it or not but between having no life at all
and being completely rigid and eating, for in my case, eating brown
rice or in my case it's more like chicken and vegetables all day long
or having some fun. Going out and having a drink with friends and
all that kind of thing. Having desert with friends. Whatever. I
found that balance to most people that looks like a lot of discipline
but for me I found the balance. In fact on your website we talked
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about earlier where they can go to get the fitness and the dating
stuff that I'm talking about. Probably the most balanced diet book
ever written is going to be found there because I'm a big believer in
finding that balance.

Now again to some people this may appear discipline because


you're just not always throwing caution to the wind but I believe
women are very attracted to that and.

ADAM: Discipline?

JON: Well because think about it from a holistic perspective or if you


can from a female perspective. When you see a guy who's balanced
versus a guy who's extreme in any area. Now to them granted you
can't define for another person what extreme is. For some people
extreme is if you have 13 inch biceps you're an extreme body
builder. Sorry I can't help you on that issue but for most people,
the people that I'm wanting to attract. Balance would be you're not
a workaholic. You're not in gym six hours a day. You're not
constantly eating lettuce. You're not constantly talking about sex.
In other words you've got a balance in everything and I think
women pick up on that and that adds to the biggest word. We're
going to get to the whole mystery element.

Mystery is a component made of layers. It's all about layers. The


more layers you have as a human being the more mysterious you
are. So balance leads in my opinion leads to mastery, leads to
having more layers because you have to have more layers. Right
now if a lot of guys listening to this maybe their kind of a slave to
their job. They have to work these insane amount of hours. It's
very difficult to find balance when you're working 16 hours a day.
It's very difficult.

So unless you want to meet a woman who is simply interested in


having financial security and protection, that's going to be very
difficult to get beyond that unless you find some balance in your
life.

ADAM: So let's talk about what it means to demonstrate you have balance.
You mentioned a few things that you're not sex crazed, workaholic.
You're not anal about your food. That there seems to be a sense of
relaxation that you're suggesting.

JON:: Yeah. I believe in doing this in spurts. In other words, the funny
thing is I'm talking about balance and I'm saying at the same time
and this is going to sound a little bit contradictory but I'll explain in
148
a second. There's no such thing as living a balanced life. So you're
going hold it. You were just talking about balance. What I mean is
that you're going to take one area of your life and give it high
focus. For six weeks out of my life that may be my training and my
diet. I'm hyper focused on that and 60% or 70% of my energies go
there but unless I had that other stuff to balance the other 30% of
my energies in then I'm going to be completely off balance and
that's unattractive to most people.

Now granted some women will see that as oh he's really driven and
he's really. That's great but they're going to get bored with you very
quickly because you're just one dimensional. So you've got to have
those other dimensions in there even when you're hyper focused
and so I just choose something to be hyper focused about. Usually
it's either my business, my physique and I'm training for something
or it's very rarely do I go into hyper focus on dating or whatever to
where that's all I want to talk and think about but I just said never
needed to do that. It comes natural.

So you've got to find, whenever you dive into those areas, you've
got to make sure the other areas of your life don't fall apart and I
think any guy or any person would tell you this. Tony Robbins
used to talk a lot about this when he was doing his old personal
power infomercials. He's day some people are making tons of
money but their whole personal life is screwed or they've got a
great relationship but they have no money and it's the same basic
thing that I'm talking about. You've got to look at the areas of your
life, all areas of your life and say what are the 6 or 7 or 8 primary
areas of my life and for me they're emotional, mental, physical,
down the line so I've made my own areas and make sure that you
have one thing at least that you're doing in each of those areas
virtually all the time, at least every week so that you maintain that
distance and balance.

ADAM: Right. We've done this in workshops. Something called the life pie.
So like you said you split your life into 6 or 8 areas and then you
color in or you fill in what percentage of that pie are you actually
filling right now that you want to be. So physically most people
wrote down 20%, 30%, on diet 10%, work, most guys probably
60% to 80% and they look at the pie and they go okay how do I
balance my lifestyle so I'm happier, number one and then also
more interesting and I want to get to interesting because I talk
about living at your edge all the time and I have something called
the choice life which I'll be talking about in the future but before
we get to mystery and layers and I really want to talk about that
because you said any woman, if you're over 40 and you're not
interesting and you're going on fumes. You're trying pickup stuff.
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You're trying to look better. You're throwing money around
because you really don't have the personality to back it up and I
want to get to that in a second because I want you to give three
physical practices just simple quick things. The most impactful
things that you could suggest for a guy say over 30, over 40 to lean
their body and increase their vitality.

JON:: That's easy. First of all you've got to think of it this way. The most
important part of any fitness program is nutrition period. It's not
exercise. People are cardio bunnies and they get on the treadmill
for an hour and then they get off and eat a bagel and their treadmill
is gone. We'll get into actually the most productive exercises. The
exercises that raise your metabolism for longer than just an hour
like cardio can raise your hour, metabolism for 12 hours after a
shot like weight training but diet is the most important and when I
say, I usually use the word nutrition. When people say you're on a
diet all the time. No I just have a nutrition plan. This is my
business strategy for life. This is not something I'm doing for six
weeks.

The most important advice I can ever give anyone. I don't care if
you're trying to lose weight or maintain your weight. You are never
on a diet. You've got to find something you can live with for the
rest of your life.

I mean this seems like it would be common sense but if you're on


any sort of eating regimen that is torture, do you think you're going
to stay on it? That's just stupid. I mean that's why every diet fails
because it's like if you're torturing yourself it's never going to work
long term.

So the people that I role model are people that have figured out
things that work long term. In other words they're lean all the time.
They're fit all the time and they're happy with what they are eating.

So in other words they're not going my food sucks. You can't do


that. So that's why I wrote the books I did that talked about finding
the balance and making sure that you're eating your favorite foods
every week but eating them in strategic times to where they actually
help make you leaner. That's kind of tricky.

So the very first and most important thing is to focus on nutrition


and the ones that, I'll give you a power tip right here, I call it the
two on one office is a great way to start a nutrition plan. It's cut
your starches and your carbohydrates out except for your
vegetables and that include fruits by the way. Cut them out two
days a week. Two on, Monday and Tuesday gone so you're eating
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lean protein, healthy fats and vegetables and then on the third day
put them back in.

ADAM: So for two days a week cut out all starches, all.

JON:: Carbohydrates in general except for vegetables. Here's a crash


course in nutrition. Your body doesn't need them. If I weigh 225
pounds, which I do and I body build, which I do and I have to
have glycogen, a lot more muscle to support glycogen and I eat 50
grams of carbohydrates a day. This should tell you and my brain
doesn't fall apart and all that but I don't eat 50 grams every day. See
that's the key. Again get your body to fall into fat loss mode is a
very tricky animal but what I just gave you will take most people
50% of the way there.

ADAM: Wow.

JON:: And you'll become a lot healthier because guys, let's put it this way.
If you look at what's changed over the past 50 years or 100 years in
America, specifically in America, we know have an obesity rate
among children that's approaching 40%. In ten years it will be over
half. Now that's staggering. Never before in the history of
mankind, in the history of histories has this happened. What is the
one thing, the most important thing that has changed? I would say
it's a tie between lack of activity. In other words we've gone from
playing stick ball or whatever you want, kicking a can down the
street as my old grandfather used to say to playing computer games
and at the same time our refined carbohydrates have shot through
the roof.

Over the last 50 years the US RDA just pushed more than anything
"healthy carbohydrates". Grains, rice, it doesn't work. It's causing
rampant inflammation, rampant disease because most people
simply cannot eat that crap. The last 10,000 years is when starches
came into the diet. Before that it was practically unheard of.

So in other words, 200,000 years of not eating this crap and then all
of a sudden we're having to eat it and I think it is crap. I mean it’s
for the body. Now I eat it when I want to eat it. I really enjoy it.
For example I love bagels. So when I have my starches instead of
choking down brown rice of whatever, I'll have a bagel.

ADAM: Nice so something you enjoy.

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JON:: Yeah and some people say that's not healthy. Sure it is because my
body has been deprived of carbohydrates for a couple of days and
it can suck that up as glycogen and it's not going to hurt me.

ADAM: You just recommend stop the carbs for two days in a row or.

JON:: Yeah it’s very easy pattern to follow. Monday, Tuesday no carbs.
Wednesday carbs. Thursday, Friday no carbs. If you really want to
be a man, go Thursday, Friday, Saturday no carbs and then carbs
on Sunday. Saturday is if you've really got hair on your chest. I'm
just kidding.

ADAM: And no fat on your chest more importantly.

JON:: No fat what?

ADAM: No fat on your chest more importantly.

JON:: Oh yeah. No fat on your chest. Man boobs are definitely a killer.

ADAM: I think I can stand behind that. Man boobs are a turnoff. I think I
can get behind that statement. So you've given two key things.
You're going to give a third one. The first was never go on a diet.
Think of it as your nutrition plan for life. Second one is cut out
carbs two or even 4 days a week except veggies. And what's the
third quick one?

JON:: Third one is resistance training. You only need, are you ready for
this? I mean as you know I wrote 7 Minute Body so you only need 7
minutes a day. You can go to the link that's on this page and read
more about it. So don't use time as an excuse. The President of the
United States works out an hour a day so don't use this as an
excuse. I mean it's simply not a valid excuse and I guarantee he's
busier than all of us.

So we can do it. The question is strategy. It's all about strategy for
guys. Guys we're all hunter gatherers that means we need strategy.
That means we need a plan and the plan that I created was one that
was based on speed. The other way around that is it's based on
speed five days a week but let's say you only want to work out two
days a week. Believe it or not you can. For years I body built only
training two days a week. You can do it. Of course you have to
spend longer in the gym. It's probably about 45 minutes to an hour
each workout but it's only two days a week.

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So if you're going to do that, spend two days a week or you can
spend my, I give both routines but here's the key. Hang with me
guys. Just hang with me for a second. Work on the body parts that
are the most attractive to women. Not to you. You're going I want
a big chest. Most women could care less. Most women could care
less about it. You have this big bloated chest and no legs you're
going to look goofy. So balance. If you look at the guys, again look
at the guys that women are attracted to. Without a doubt they are
balanced. If I meet one guy that's not balanced other than maybe
Justin Timberlake who has absolutely nothing going on for him.
Nothing whatsoever. Has no idea why.

ADAM: Except talent.

JON:: We should shoot him right now.

ADAM: Thighs, chest and guns would be my guess and back.

JON:: Let me tell you. There's not a body part to avoid. I'm saying
definitely work your chest. Work your entire body in a sense of
balance but if you're going to focus on any body parts, focus on
your shoulders. Wide shoulders will never, I mean ever in a million
years go out of vogue. No girl goes oh God his shoulders are just
too wide. I mean I want a guy with narrow shoulders. It's never
going to happen. So shoulders, obviously abdominals, which by the
way guys is 99% diet. In my books 7 Minute Body I give three
minute abs. I train my abs in three minutes three days a week.

ADAM: Nice.

JON:: And my abs are good. So you don't need more than that.

ADAM: The muscles are actually under there.

JON:: The muscles are under there exactly. Most guys have abs
underneath so get the fat off you'll see the abs. Abs by far. Now
some women, you don’t even have to go to the point of having like
a ripped six pack. I'm talking about just a little definition. I mean
you're fine at that point and glutes. Women love a guy with a great
ass just like men love a woman with a great ass.

ADAM: We can't forget the guns and we can't forget the thighs and we
can't forget the chest.

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JON:: Well the great thing though is everything I'm giving you is going to
build the guns. Like you can't build your triceps without, you can't
build your shoulders without building your triceps.

ADAM: There you go. Okay great.

JON:: You see what I'm saying? So now obviously if you want to work
your biceps, I personally. Some women love arms. Some women
could care less. I mean it totally depends on the girl. I'm giving you
the broad section and if I was to actually add one more body part
I'd say calves but most people are going what the hell. I would just
say because the rare times that you're in shorts and you've got these
great calves. Women love the most obscure things. They love the
minutia. They love the details. So they're going to look at things
that you're never going to look at.

ADAM: Right and it's so true. And another on level the whole body here. I
did a lot of martial arts in my 20's and so I have really good
musculature in my forearms and that's drawn attention over the
years. I've noticed that's something they love.

JON:: Absolutely.

ADAM: Let me say one other thing and I don't think a lot of guys know
this. I did a workout, serious product with Muscle Fitness
magazine years ago with Gunter Schlierkamp. You know who he
is.

JON:: Oh yeah.

ADAM: Number two Mister Universe and one of things I learned was that
after the age of 40 men tend to lose was it a pound of muscle a
year or more than a pound of muscle and I want you to say
something about the importance of resistance training especially
after 40 because then your muscle just starts going.

JON:: Yeah well it's actually exponential. It's after 40 you start losing on
average a pound. 45 a pound and a half and on down the line. The
reason why, it's simply evolutionary genetics. I mean your body is
basically saying because of our sedentary lifestyle, you're no longer
a hunter gatherer. You're now an elder in the tribe and you don’t
need. Everything in nature is based on need. Everything. So you
don't need that muscle, we're going to take it away. This is the way
nature works.

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So the way to fight against nature is to prove to it that oh I need
this. Now the great thing about that is the body, as smart as it is, is
relative dumb when it comes down to what is actually necessary. So
weight training, resistance training whether it's with like bands,
body weight. I prefer weights but whatever option works for you,
tricks the body indefinitely into believing that you need muscle. In
other words, a great case in point. There's a study that I quote in fit
over 40 where they put people on resistance training workouts that
have not ever trained that were the average age was 88. 88 years
old. They all gained muscle mass.

ADAM: Really.

JON:: Gained muscle mass. Their testosterone level, I could probably


count on one hand. It couldn't possibly be that high. So yeah it just
goes to show you how fast the body will adapt to resistance. Once
you put your body under resistance, you're going into literally
hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary genetics and
tapping into that gene really deep. You know what I'm saying? To
where you feel like I'm heaving a boulder because I'm being chased
by a tiger obviously and the workout that we do today in the gyms
are really funny. I mean to me you get on a treadmill and you run
for an hour. Show me just one example of that in human history
where you had to run at a moderate pace for an hour. There was
never a need for it. What you had to do was sprint. You had to bolt
away from a tiger then you had to walk a lot. So that's what I do.
You sprint. You walk. You sprint. You walk. So that's why
sprinters look the way they look and marathoners look like crap.

ADAM: Interesting.

JON:: Sorry for all the marathoners out there but I'm sorry you look like
prison of war victims to me but sprinters look like body builders.
Ever notice that?

ADAM: My trainer got me started on intervals and it is humbling and it is


good.

JON:: It's very humbling and you don't need that much. You just need a
couple of minutes during a cardio workout to trigger those
intervals. Some people do serious interval training but weight
training is interval training. That's where people are wondering why
it causes the rapid body changes that it does it's because it is
interval training. Think about it. You're under the weight for 30, 45
seconds, a minute, however long the set is and then you rest for a
minute. It's interval training. Heart goes up. Heart goes down.
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Heart goes up. Heart goes down. That's why it's so incredibly
productive for the body and it changes the shape so quickly.

ADAM: I just want to add I love quoting this line. You quoted from a
movie but the Dallas Steve. Do you remember that movie? It was
80's or 90's.

JON:: One of my favorite movies of all time. Funny you say that.

ADAM: I'm not surprised.

JON:: The Dallas Steve.

ADAM: There's a great line where they ask this sort of slubby guy how are
you so successful with women and his secret was be excellent in
front of women and I'm listening to you talk right now and your
knowledge of how your body works is very impressive and I think
as men gain awareness of how their body works, of how the body
works, how metabolism works, I think it's an attractive trait I think
to women. The men that actually know. So many men are cutoff
from their bodies and so I want to mention that because I want to
tie back the importance of knowing your body, keeping your body
lean and fit, understanding how your body works as a measure of
confidence. So one of the first things I mentioned with you is like
when you walk into a room people feel your presence. You have a
great sense of confidence and part of it at least grows from your
body.

JON:: Sure.

ADAM: And your knowledge.

JON:: If I can Adam, this is one of the things that I have learned over the
years and I'd love to pass on to your listeners is that is through, I
totally talk about excellence and be excellent in front of women.
It's a great line but not too excellent.

ADAM: Okay.

JON:: Here's the deal. Once a woman thinks that she has a man figured
out, it's pretty much over either that or she is in love with you and
you guys are going to be married for the rest of your life. It's one
of those two things okay. You always want to leave a little element
of mystery. So you could say a woman is going to be interested let's
say you're in good shape and she says well how did you do that?
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Well I weight train. Why is that better than cardio? Well because it
increases your metabolism but I can tell you more about that later.
Let's order some wine.

ADAM: Right. Don’t overdo it. Hey what?

JON:: You want to keep that hanging on. It's like a movie. To me and this
is not the meaning at all but women kind of live a life almost like
they're watching a movie and specifically a girlie flick, a chic flick. I
mean it's kind of like that. Now I don't mean so cliché at all.
Women are deep, very, very deep creatures but what I'm saying is
you don't want, if you give away the farm right off the bat you're
going to bore the hell out of somebody first of all and second of all
this is different when you're trying to get information. I mean guys
we love information. Just give us the data.

Women want more than data. They want to feel like they're not
only being understood and your goal; your job is to understand her.
Is to make her feel understood and to literally understand her.
Don't just make her feel interested. I hear guys say this all the time.
Make a woman feel understood and she'll stick around forever.
That's faking. What if you don't really understand her then you're
just con artists. Actually try to really understand her and then she'll
feel understood and you'll understand her. What a concept. Try to
really understand her but also don't, if you go on and on about
whatever you're knowledgeable about whether it be stocks,
whether it be fitness, whether it be whatever.

ADAM: Don't go on and on.

JON:: Yeah don't go on and on.

ADAM: Having the knowledge gives you confidence so I agree with you.
Having body knowledge so it's there when you need it and I was
going to say don't talk their pants off but I think don't talk their
ears off is probably the more appropriate.

JON:: Don't talk their ears off and then always leave with a cliffhanger. I
mean always. It's like one of these, now granted this is a dating
trick and I do believe that tricks are necessary. It's a game. It is a
game but if you get a girl interested in a conversation and you say
you know what? Next time we go out I'll tell you about, like if she's
really interested, next time I see you I'll tell you about blank. I don't
even use the term go out. Next time we hook up, next time I see
you I'll tell you about blank. Well you've done a couple of things at

157
one shot. You've piqued curiosity and you've already setup a
second date and then after that just hop off the subject.

ADAM: Right and it's very important to say if you're good. Next time I see
you if you're good I'll tell you about. Just drop it in there.

JON:: That's the cocky funny that does work. If you're going well and
she's smiling a lot then you can definitely pull that off but if she's
interviewing you because she wants to learn more about stocks
then you're probably not going to pull that off very well.

ADAM: We're talking about mystery which is something we talked about


earlier, you and I. You mentioned two things. She'll be totally in
love with you and you'll be in love forever. I don't actually agree
with that. I think if you get boring, women will get bored of you
because people grow constantly and the problem that happens in
long term relationships and I'm sure some of the people listening
now or reading this are in long term relationships and wondering
what's going to happen to their relationships and the answer always
is what happened to your life. Guys get overworked. They get too
busy. They stop developing themselves. They don’t go to
workshops. They don't travel. They don’t push themselves. They
don't push their edges. They get boring. Same thing happens to
women. So you want to always keep mystery not only for the sake
of attraction but to stay alive, to stay vital in your own mind and
body. But let's talk about mystery and layers a little bit more.

So we talked about balance but you have a lot more to say about
being mysterious and not in a weird way obviously but the sense
that you have more to offer than is being shown at the moment
because a lot of guys, I mean I think people might look at you and
go oh my God. Muscle head. He's got to be an idiot and then he
talks to you for a couple of minutes and like wow this guys is really
frigging smart and he's interesting and he's funny. So say something
about layers, for instance developing layers. I mean you spend time
in the gym. You spend time with fitness but you also developed
yourself in other ways so what do you recommend to men to keep
developing the other layers in their life?

ADAM: Well first of all let me say the comment about marriage was actually
just a swipe at marriage. It was just a joke. Yeah you would literally;
your marriage would fall apart.

Layers. Here's what I tell people when I used to do one on one


counseling. I'd say it's very, very simple technique is take out a pen

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and paper and write down the top five or top ten, no more than
ten, things that you enjoy the most in your life.

Now this can be as trivial as say golf unless you're a golf pro then
obviously it's not trivial but let's say guys like to play golf. I've
never enjoyed the game but some people love the same so they put
golf on there. That's fine. That's okay. Tinkering around in little
cars. Whatever the hell. It doesn't matter. Write down what it is
and then rather than tinkering with it, rather than whatever going
out and shooting a few rounds of gold with your buddies on the
weekend. It's okay to be a dabbler by the way. It's okay to be a
dabbler in some areas. If you don't want to ever be good at golf
then great. Some things we just don't want to be good at. We're
cool with just being and that's perfectly fine but I'm asking you to
write down five, at least five things that you really want to be
excellent at, that you really enjoy, that you would really love to be
better whether that be a hobby or whatever and then each day of
the week read a little bit about that subject. That's why I like seven
by the way. I picked seven because seven days a week but so seven
things. So you read a little bit about each each day. You'll amass so
much knowledge. You'll get better at each one of those things and
then put into practice what you read. Maybe it's the history of golf.
Maybe it's a technique in golf. I'm using golf as an analogy
obviously.

Now this is going to help build those layers. It's going to help build
all that up and then in the coolest moments. For me it's literature.
That's a huge interest of mine. I was a literature minor and a
philosophy major so naturally that falls into my layers of depth and
that can get almost too deep. I mean you can almost scare people
off with that crap so you've got to be careful with that. Ancient
philosophy crap so you've got to be careful with that. Ancient
philosophy people go what the hell is he talking about.

ADAM: It's funny you mention that. I think it's great to have poetry in your
arsenal. Like beautiful poetry not epic poems. I do see us set upon
the wine dark sea and start telling the Odyssey. No but a couple of
great lines from Wordsworth, Caldrige Roomy, it's great to have
those handy because they're beautiful and women are attracted to
beauty.

JON:: I cannot agree with you more. If you can sum it up here, not to
jump off my little seven tip technique here but do the seven tip
technique but understand that if you look at Plato ethics, the
Platonion ethics of truth, beauty and justice. That's pretty much
what women are the most attracted to. I find that ironic that Plato

159
would say that but nonetheless truth, women are honesty hounds
and I'm not saying all women are. Believe you me I ran into my
share of female liars like everybody else. People lie but most
women especially the women that you want to end up with prefer
the truth. I'll put it that way. No one is perfect but they definitely
prefer the truth and they definitely hate men that lie to them. So
beauty, they like all things beautiful because women are in their
very nature beautiful and injustice. Injustice is a big thing. I don't
want to dive off the subject but this is huge and I think what was
meant by that was literally they want to be treated the way that you
would want to be treated.

This is my opinion. If you meet a woman that wants to be treated


like a queen, she better damn well treat you like a king. It's not a
one way street and if that's the person you ran into, I couldn't
dumb her fast enough. On the other hand if you meet a woman
that wants to treat you like a king and you just want to treat her like
a whore, then you're not being fair to her at all. You're giving her a
grave injustice.

Justice goes back to that whole balance thing of treating each other
equally and fairly and it's not like a game where okay you treat me
this well, I'll treat you this well. It's so that you just look for the
people that have the same basic standards of how well they're
going to treat the other person. So that's huge and most women,
I'm just going to say most women are with guys that simply do not
know how to treat them with equality and I'm not talking about
like feminist equality, well in some cases that way but true equality
and the biggest keyword here, we've got to touch base on this is
emotional equality.

Most men have the emotional IQ of a wet piece of lettuce. So if


you want to master one thing other than your physical nature, in
other words how you dress, making sure that you dress young but
not too young, making sure that you're fit, all that kind of stuff,
increase your emotional IQ. Man read books about it. Dive into
this stuff. Really understand that that is where everything happens
for a woman is between the ears. From the orgasm to the I do's to
the I really do like this person.

ADAM: Which comes after.

JON: It's all between the ears for them.

ADAM: Yes I agree. Any books come to mind by the way for you that, I
have a whole list.
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JON: There's so many where do I start. Understanding the Female Mind is
one. There's actually a book called Your Emotional IQ. I don't know
who wrote it. I don't remember but.

ADAM: Daniel Goldman? I think it's Daniel Goldman.

JON: Probably so yeah. So it's huge. Understand where you're at


emotionally. You could be the smartest guy in the world. You
could work for NASA. I mean if you have an emotional IQ of a
turd then it's not going to help you.

ADAM: Right. I would look at David Diedas books obviously. I would look
at The Female Brain by Brizendine. I would look at Why Men don't
Listen to Women can't Read Maps. I love that one. That's about
comparative neurology. How our brains are actually physically
different. Why we have different builds.

JON: That's a great book.

ADAM: Love that one and that's the basis. I have a principle called The
Adorable Pathetic which is the things that women are pathetic at but
adore them for it and I tell women to adore men for being really
bad at not knowing what's going on emotionally with people.
That's how we're built. So rather than get angry at the other gender
for being bad at what they're wired for, just adore them for it and
know that it comes with other benefits.

JON: Definitely but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say if you can
take your emotional IQ from a one to a three you just tripled your
dating.

ADAM: You'll what triple your dating?

JON: Yeah not to snag the name of a book of a friend of ours but you
literally just tripled your dating. I mean because you're just going to
be that much more attractive and I'm going to give you guys fair
warning. This always came easy for me. I was an only child and the
only children are being proven to be more emotionally sensitive
than others and I was a musician. I still am. Started early on as a
musician and we now know that music helps develop both
hemispheres of the brain equally. So does mean that I'm smarter
than you. It just means that both hemispheres are firing off at the
same time which can be a good and bad thing. Emotionally
speaking it's a very good thing because you're very in touch with

161
whatever you want to call it. Your feminine side or your female. I
just call it you’re just a balanced person. I don’t give it a gender but
so it came natural for me to be emotionally open and vulnerable
and listening and all the kind of things that women seem to dig.

If you do it too well then they're going to think some weird things
and I've scared women off. It's like where I was actually more,
when I say more emotional I'm not talking about crying during an
insurance commercial but I mean more emotionally in touch with
myself than they were. They were more boxed off and that will
scare somebody away.

ADAM: I think we have that in common.

JON: Just remember if you get good at something you need to find your
equal either that or you need to find somebody that compliments
you on the other side.

ADAM: By the way yes it is one of the scary things about marriage. If you
get into a contract and you're still developing and the other person
doesn't, it's not good. That's why I'm a big believer in the lease
option marriage. It's like do you take this woman to be your one
year lease with an option for three more at the same rate. I'm
getting looks by the way.

JON: A great movie for men and women to watch if you haven't seen it
is the Invention of Lying.

ADAM: Oh yes.

JON: Ricky Gervais is the Invention of Lying. Ricky Gervais is my hero


and I love the wedding vows in that movie. It's like do you take
this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife for as long as you
want?

ADAM: Or until you wake up in the morning, look at each other and throw
up.

JON: Yeah. So definitely have got to check that movie out guys. It's very
insightful. I'll put it that way.

ADAM: I'm going to have a look at that. I'll write about it. I'm glad you
mentioned it. I want to talk about one more thing and then I want
to wrap up and talk about what we're putting together from your
real wealth of material. I mean both body, mind, dating, everything

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but I just want to mention one more thing about emotional
equality or emotional IQ. One thing I think is very useful and
maybe I actually create something on this because it's a passion of
mine. I also studied literature. I studied world mythology, world
religions and I think if you are articulate about feminine, if you can
talk about seta, the image of beauty and Cali the warrior goddess
cuts your head off if you're not conscious and if you talk about
Parathion, you talk about fertility goddesses and you can actually
talk to women about what she brings out, what you see in her, I
think that's incredibly sexy. I think it connects her with her
feminine in ways that 99.9% of men can't do and just the way, you
were talking about the Platonic virtues. It struck me when you were
talking about beauty. If you can connect a woman to her sense of
her beauty more deeply than she's willing to or is able to, that's
really sexy.

JON: I'm taking notes man. This is good.

ADAM: I'm going to actually; I'm making notes to do a product because I


really love this stuff.

JON: I've got to say this because knowing Adam like I know him. It's
different when you hang out with a guy and you see it. Adam can
pull this off and be 100% sincere. It takes a little bit of practice I
think to be either it's natural or you kind of have to practice at
being sincere. You asked me a while ago about what would, tips
and things like that. I want to throw out one tip before we go any
further is just forget that lines exist. Its lines suck. I'm sorry.
They're just ridiculous. I'm not saying don't have some things in
your prepared to talk about but it's just the most boring static two
dimensional way of approaching a female. It's insulting to her.

ADAM: Especially when you get older, they expect better.

JON: Well they should when they're younger too. I mean honestly it's
just ridiculous. So in other words the more interesting you are,
actually you can draw women to come up and talk to you and the
more natural that conversation is going to flow. I didn't want to get
off your subject there because that whole I'm writing on a warrior
goddess right now but.

ADAM: Yeah that's sexy believe me. Alright great. So John obviously such a
great conversation. I've learned stuff about you I didn't know.
Again I'm inspired about your wealth of knowledge. What we've
done is because you have so much stuff, we've put together at
acilife.com/fit. We just put it under fit. We've got a whole slew of
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things. We're putting together a special package because you've got
a lot of stuff and I want to pull out the stuff that's most solvent to
this crowd. You have a book Fit Over 40 and you have a bunch of
stuff that we're throwing in, bonuses with that. We'll put in was it 7
Minute Workout, 3 Minute Workout, 30 Seconds.

JON: 7 Minute Body.

ADAM: 7 Minute Body.

JON: That's good with the 3 Minute Ab Workout.

ADAM: I love that idea by the way. That's really good because I have a hot
tub that I swear by. I go out pretty much two, three times a day out
in my yard. It's just a beautiful spot overlooking the mountains and
I love it and I have a nice deck there and what I'm going to do is
start working out before. I'm going to make it my rule before I get
in; I'm going to do three to seven minutes. That's cool.

JON: There you go and you'd be surprised. I say seven minutes of hell. If
you've got hair on your balls you can live okay.

ADAM: Exactly. Like I said I had somebody in hot pants sitting very close
to me nodding going okay fucker. I'm going to keep you to that.
Alright so what we're going to do is we're going to throw together
a bunch of stuff and I know you also have some dating reports and
books. You have a lot of knowledge and we'll try to throw as much
as we can get that in and anyone who gets this will get to them at a
special rate when you're done because you really have great stuff on
humor and approach and lightness and integrity and depth and all
this good stuff and I know you haven't compiled all of it yet. We'll
try to get what we can to people who come to acilife.com/fit and
John once again a pleasure. Thank you so much dude.

JON: Oh it's been my pleasure Adam. Thanks for having me.

ADAM: Alright I'll talk to you soon.

JON: Alright buddy.

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