You’ve read the b ook – now talk ab out it!

If you have read The Five Love Languag es

you no d oubt want to put its id eas into action in
your marriag e or sp ecial relationship, and you
want to talk ab out these id eas with your mate.
H ere, chapter by chapter, are some printable
discussion starters for b oth couples and groups.
Chapter One
WHAT HAPPENS TO LO VE AFTER THE WED DIN G?
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
Because we give and receive love differently, ke e ping love alive
in our marriag es is hard work. If we d on’t und erstand how our
sp ouse receives love, our marriag es may dry up and we won’t
und erstand why. We ne e d to und erstand each other’s primary
way of receiving love.
1. Look back to your childhoo d. Did you fe el ad e quately love d
by your parents? H ow did they primarily express love? Base d
up on the results in your life, what impact did they have on the
way you communicate love to your sp ouse?
2. Make a list of your parents’ failures and successes in conveying
affection and affirmation to you. What similarities d o you se e in
how you express affection to your spouse? How were your failures
unconsciously reflecting those of your parents? What ab out
successes?
3. You may fe el you are expressing love as much as ever -- and
yet your sp ouse may b e reacting more ne gatively over time.
Id entify two pro blem areas within the last twelve months: (1)
p ositive acts of love to which your sp ouse did not resp ond; (2)
expressions of frustration over your lack of caring in which you
were either ignorant or even in disagre ement. What is the real
nature of the pro blem?
4. In retrosp ect, what imp ortant resources – b ooks, magazines,
counseling, conferences, and so on -- have influence d you in
terms of improving your love life with your mate? Try to recall
when and how you attempte d to implement their prece pts.
Where did you succe e d or fail and why? Did they convey the
conce pt of love languag es?
5. Think back on a time when you trie d to communicate love in
some form and it was not receive d as such; p erhaps it was not
rejecte d but simply not reco gnize d. Why are g oo d intentions,
sincerity, and even “follow-through” not always enough?
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
Discuss the nature of communication in g eneral and how
misund erstanding can occur due to the complexity of languag e
in its many forms. H ow d o different backgrounds, g end ers,
values, and so on further complicate the process?
Notes
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Chapter Two
Keeping The Love Tank Full
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
Everyone talks ab out – and se eks – love, yet the word has
many interpretations. The marriag e relationship itself is primarily
intend e d to foster love and intimacy … and to fill that inner
“love tank.”
1. Find thre e well-known sayings similar to “love makes the
world g o round ” that express love’s exalte d status. Explain the
meaning of each and the implications for your marriag e.
2. We often excuse harmful b ehavior of various kinds by saying,
“they meant well” – they had loving motives. If this has happened
with some one you’re close to, think ab out how a faulty conce pt
of love might have contribute d to the overall pro blem.
3. C an you rememb er a time when a child’s unacce ptable
b ehavior could at least partly b e explaine d by an empty “love
tank”? H ow would filling the child’s “love tank” have help e d
the situation?
4. Have you ever felt emotionally distant from your mate? What
hap p ene d, and what did you d o ab out it?
5. An empty love tank can b e compare d to running your car
engine without oil. Be creative and search for two more analogies
that will cleverly d escrib e “running on empty” in your marriag e.
H ow d o these comparisons drive home the imp ortance of
re gularly giving and receiving love?
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
H ow d o you think our current id eas of “love ” compare to
the past?
Notes
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Chapter Three
Falling in Love
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
Though the “falling-in-love ” exp erience is exciting, it is
short-live d and larg ely self-centere d. Love that truly contributes
to our sp ouse’s emotional well-b eing is base d on reason, will,
and discipline. The latter alone contains the p ossibility of
transformation and completion.
1. Create a list with two cate gories relate d to the “falling-in-love ”
exp erience with your sp ouse. In column one, itemize those
fe elings, b eliefs and exp ectations that later b ore fruit and con-
tribute d to a mature relationship. In the second column list
those that were naive, unrealistic, or even harmful.
2. Look back on that p oint in your marriag e when “reality” set
in and the initial romantic fe elings fad e d. H ow did this affect
your relationship, for b etter or worse?
3. Think honestly ab out the total quality of the love you give.
H ow much d o es it resemble the thre e asp ects of the “inlove
illusion”: not an act of will; little discipline or conscious effort;
and lack of g enuine interest in the growth of the sp ouse?
4. N ow think of ways your attitud es and actions toward your
sp ouse recently have shown the qualities of “real” love:
emotional but not o bsessive; exp end e d true effort and
discipline; base d on reason rather than instinct; sought
p ersonal growth for your sp ouse.
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
Further explore the emotional, psycholo gical, physiolo gical,
and spiritual comp onents of b oth the “falling-in-love ”
exp erience as well as g enuine, self-giving love.
Notes
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Chapter Four
LO VE LA N GUA GE #1:
Words of Affirmation
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
C ompliments, words of encourag ement, and re quests rather
than d emands all affirm the self-worth of your sp ouse. They
create intimacy, heal wounds, and bring out the full p otential of
your other half.
1. Take an evening to allow your sp ouse to share his or her
dreams, interests, and talents. Draw out the sp ecifics through
empathetic listening. After putting yourself in your sp ouse’s
sho es, lovingly and sincerely encourag e him/her, and offer to
help achieve these g oals in any way p ossible.
2. Familiarity may bre e d contempt or discourtesy in different
forms. C heck certain characteristics of your relationship over
the last we ek. Has your tone b e en harsh, your attitud e sarcastic,
or your viewp oint jud gmental? Have you focuse d mainly on
where your sp ouse has faile d? Resolve these issues and se ek
forgiveness.
3. Evaluate your relational style in terms of communication
patterns. D o your words reflect re quests, sug g estions, and
guidance? O r d o they hint at d emands, ultimatums, or even
threats? Rememb er that choice, fre e will, and voluntary service
are key asp ects of love. H ow can you improve your verbal
ap proach to your sp ouse?
4. There is an infinite variety of kind, intimate, and sup p ortive
ways of verbally communicating with your mate. As the text
sug g ests, start a note b ook entitle d “ Words of Affirmation” in
which you record creative and sup erior ways of building up
your sp ouse, even in the smallest ways.
5. Bill and Betty Jo’s marriag e was vastly improve d by a simple
technique. They each mad e a list of things they esp ecially
ap preciate d ab out the other. Then twice a we ek they gave
each other verbal compliments base d on their lists. D o likewise
with your sp ouse. To g et yourselves starte d, you might want to
look at Bill and Betty Jo’s list again. After the initial exchang e,
d ecid e to continue this for two months as o p p ortunities arise.
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
Discuss how the p ower of words can d etermine the d estinies of
p e o ple and even nations. H ow d o words bind us and fre e us
and shap e our views of ourselves and the world around us?
Notes
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Chapter Five
LO VE LA N GUA GE #2:
Q uality Time
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
Sp ending quality time to g ether through sharing, listening, and
participating in joint meaningful activities communicates that
we truly care for and enjoy each other.
1. “ My jo b is so d emanding ” may b e a statement of excuse for
not sp ending quality time with your sp ouse. Yet success and
material provision can’t substitute for intimacy. Set up a plan
with your sp ouse to balance your resp onsibilities to allow for
ad e quate quality time. Be sacrificial in the trad e-offs you make.
2. Bill realize d that Betty Jo’s primary love languag e was
“ quality time,” so he mad e a list of things he knew she would
like for him to d o with her. Walks, vacations, or simply more
talks with the children all involve d the sharing of themselves in
the midst of worthwhile activities. Create your own list and
make a commitment to two items within the next month.
3. Look back up on the last major pro blem or challeng e your
sp ouse face d. Write out ways you could have b etter achieve d
the following: (a) less advice and more sympathy; (b) more
und erstanding and fewer solutions; (c) more questions and
fewer conclusions; (d) more attention to the p erson and less to
the pro blem.
4. Find out how imp ortant “share d activities” are in your
marriag e. Pick thre e exp eriences that brought you very close
and are a source of continuing fond memories. Did these
exp eriences involve quality time in share d activities? Plan
a new event that has strong “ memory” p otential.
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
Discuss the id ea that share d activities ne e d to b e create d
around interests that b oth sp ouses enjoy. A second-b est
scenario is to give time, as well as heart and mind, to your
sp ouse’s interests that you d on’t initially share.
Notes
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Chapter Six
LO VE LA N GUA GE #3:
Receiving Gifts
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
G ifts are visual symb ols of love, whether they are items you
purchase d or mad e, or are simply your own presence mad e
available to your sp ouse. G ifts d emonstrate that you care, and
they re present the value of the relationship.
1. The value of a gift is in the eye of the b ehold er. Perhaps you
didn’t esp ecially value a gift you receive d. C onsid er the giver’s
intent and reorient your thinking to value the love d emonstrate d
by the giver.
2. Take Dr. C hapman’s advice and work up a list of gifts your
sp ouse has esp ecially ap preciate d in the past. Beyond that,
se ek more input from others who know his/her tastes. N ow
d ecid e to give one token of love, however small, in line with
those preferences each we ek for the next month.
3. Perhaps in your mind gifts and finances d on’t mix well
at present. Yet if gift giving is an investment in your most
imp ortant “ p ossession,” you can view it as a form of savings
or security. Review your bud g et, and sacrificially give more
to your sp ouse.
4. Are gifts your mate’s primary love languag e? Then you may
ne e d to give up your own priorities, at least temp orarily. Think
ab out a time in recent years when your sp ouse really wante d
something – either a certain gift, or the gift of your presence –
and you faile d to come through. C onsciously plan to make the
tough choices the next time around.
5. Rememb er that the gift of yourself means more than just
your physical presence. Attempt for one we ek to share at least
one imp ortant event or fe eling in your day. Se ek the same from
your sp ouse.
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
Share examples of the imp ortance of and typ es of gifts from
different cultures, family traditions, and p ersonality typ es. H ow
d o they express love, and why are they of value?
Notes
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Chapter Seven
LO VE LA N GUA GE #4:
Acts of Service
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
Criticism of your sp ouse’s failure to d o things for you may
b e an indication that “ acts of service ” is your primary love
languag e. Acts of service should never b e co erce d but should
b e fre ely given and receive d, and complete d as re queste d.
1. If we really want to serve our sp ouse, we ne e d to d o things
for them the way they would want – not the way we think they
should b e d one. Se ek sp ecifics from your sp ouse on a few new
tasks he or she d esires of you, and d o exactly as instructe d.
2. C hoose thre e humble tasks that you d on’t esp ecially like but
know your sp ouse would b e please d to se e complete d.
Surprise your sp ouse by d oing them without b eing aske d.
3. D o you strug gle with ingraine d attitud es ab out g end er
role stere otyp es – “women d on’t grill” or “ men d on’t d o
bathrooms”? H onestly discuss where these id eas come from,
and look at your own exp ectations in this area.
4. Pick four tasks that you wish your mate would d o for you.
Be ready to receive the same, and work out adjustments that
are base d on mutual love rather than co ercion or a le galistic
swap. Ke e p practicalities like sche dule in mind.
5. Rememb er some of the acts of service you p erforme d for
each other during courtship – and how they drew you tog ether?
Se e if your relationship can b e rekindle d by serving one another
as you did pre-marriag e.
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
Explore two different views that individuals and societies have
held for centuries: fulfillment and hap piness lie in b eing on to p
and having others serve you; or fulfillment and hap piness are
found in serving others, finding the meaning of love in
voluntarily serving them.
Notes
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Chapter Eight
LO VE LA N GUA GE #5:
PHYSICAL TO UCH
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
Physical touch, as a g esture of love, reaches to the d e pths
of our b eing. As a love languag e, it is a p owerful form of
communication from the smallest touch on the should er to the
most passionate kiss.
1. Perhaps you and your sp ouse have never o p enly share d with
one another the typ es of touching you find pleasurable.
Discuss the emotional, sexual, and psycholo gical dimensions
relate d to all these areas of the b o dy.
2. Make a list of all the circumstances, locations, and typ es of
ap pro priate touch that will enhance your physical relationship.
F or example, how d o es each of you want/ exp ect to b e gre ete d
at the end of the workday? What ab out touching in public? If
you each fe el differently, come to a compromise resolution.
3. In the b ook, Pete found it very difficult to ask for physical
touch, esp ecially sexual touch. Why d o you think this was true?
Talk with your mate ab out any challeng es either of you have in
this area – including strug gles with b o dy imag e.
4. Resolve never to touch your mate in a harmful way. If you’ve
ever harme d your sp ouse even in the slightest, ask forgiveness
and commit to d ealing with this self-control issue.
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
Discuss the mysteries of emotion as relate d to physical touch.
F or example, at times our emotional tanks crave an embrace
when we hurt, but at other times we d on’t want to b e touche d
at all. M oo ds, attitud es, and p erce ptions all affect whether we
d esire to b e touche d, held, or have sex on a given occasion.
Notes
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Chapter Nine
DISC O VERIN G YO UR
Primary Love Language
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
There are some basic but essential questions you ne e d to ask
to discover your primary love languag e. What d o you re quest
the most? What makes you fe el the most love d? What hurts
you d e e ply? What d o you d esire most of all? These provid e the
critical clues.
1. Many of us strug gle with making sex a mutual joy. We
sometimes focus on technique, fre quency, and variety. Yet
much of the strug gle relates more to the state of our emotional
love tank. Think ab out your relationship and how you can focus
more on the emotional sid e and thus also improve the physical
relationship.
2. We often express love in our own primary love languag e
rather than discovering our sp ouse’s languag e. Look back to
the times when you felt you successfully communicate d love.
Did you d o so through your primary languag e or that of your
sp ouse? Are you willing to make a new commitment to
sp eaking your sp ouse’s primary love languag e?
3. If your love tank is completely empty or very full, whether
you know your love languag e or not, play the “ Tank C heck”
game over the next month. Ask for a reading from 0 to 10
thre e evenings a we ek, and then take the sug g estions of your
sp ouse to raise that numb er for him/her. If your sp ouse is at a
“ten” consistently you can pat yourself on the back—but d on’t
sto p loving.
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
O ften me eting each other’s ne e ds re quires learning new skills—
even if it is something basic like d oing laundry. Discuss how
sp ouses ne e d to b e patient and instructive in ord er to reach
maximum fulfillment in their marriag e.
Notes
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Chapter Ten & Eleven
LO VE IS A CH OICE & LO VE M AKES THE DIFFERENCE
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
C hoosing to love in the languag e of our sp ouse has many
b enefits. It can help heal past wounds and provid e a sense of
security, self-worth, and significance. Yet the fe elings of “falling
in love ” aren’t the same as those choices of the will we make
that me et the d e e p emotional ne e ds of the sp ouse.
1. As with Brent in chapter 10, our love tank may b e near
empty without our knowing why. We d on’t mean to harm our
sp ouse, but in our search to have our own ne e ds met, we may
b e looking in the wrong places. If this is you, honestly assess
your own thoughts and actions in light of your unmet ne e ds. Is
there a b etter way to g et your own ne e ds met? Would you b e
willing to invest two months testing the statement “ G ive and it
shall b e given to you”? Why not start to day and se e what hap-
p ens?
2. C onsid er those acts of love you know your sp ouse
d esires but d o not come “naturally” to you. Perhaps you’ve
sup presse d these activities and ne e d your sp ouse’s honest
remind ers. Make a choice to d o these things so that your
sp ouse’s tank will b e fille d and he /she will grow closer to you.
3. Each of us ne e ds a sense of significance, self-worth, and
security: these are critical to our well-b eing. Be o p en and
vulnerable.
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
As hard as it sounds, we cannot guarante e the love of another
p erson – even if we truly d o give our b est to him or her.
Discuss the real risk of your own unmet ne e ds even if you give
your b est. What other principles b eyond love languag e will
help enhance a marriag e?
Notes
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Chapter Twelve
Loving the Unlovely
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
When we’ve b e en mistreate d and abuse d it’s very hard – even
imp ossible – to express p ositive fe elings toward our sp ouse.
We can only express our pain. Still, p ositive actions are base d
on choice, not fe eling. Employing the pro p er love languag e
has “ miraculous” p ossibilities.
If your marriag e is in the serious trouble discusse d in this
chapter, you ne e d to b e gin by making a strong commitment of
the will to und ertake the following exp eriment. You risk further
pain and rejection, but you also stand to re gain a healthy and
fulfilling marriag e. C ount the cost; it’s worth the attempt.
1. Ask how you can b e a b etter sp ouse, and re gardless of the
other’s attitud e, act on what he or she tells you. C ontinue to
b oth se ek more input and comply with those wishes with all
your heart and will. Assure your sp ouse that your motives are
pure.
2. When you receive p ositive fe e d back you know there is
pro gress. Each month make one non-threatening but sp ecific
re quest that is easy for your sp ouse. Make sure it relates to
your primary love languag e and will help
re plenish your empty tank.
3. When your sp ouse resp onds and me ets your ne e d, you will
b e able to react with not only your will but your emotions as
well. Without overreacting, continue p ositive fe e d back and
affirmation of your sp ouse at these times.
4. As your marriag e b e gins to truly heal and grow d e e p er,
make sure you d on’t “rest on your laurels” and forg et your
sp ouse’s love languag e and daily ne e ds. You’re on the road to
your dreams, so stay there! Put ap p ointments into your
sche dule to assess to g ether how you’re d oing.
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
Many marriag es end in divorce b ecause of an unwillingness to
b e humble and serve the other even in the midst of rejection.
Discuss the merits of the teaching of Jesus C hrist in this
chapter, also found in Luke 6:27, “Love your enemies.” Also
review the meaning of this teacher’s act when H e washe d the
fe et of His followers (John 13:5, 12–17).
Notes
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Chapter Thirteen
Children and LO VE LA N GUA GES
IMPORTA NT TH O UGHT:
The five love languag es ap ply to children, although they may
not b e conscious of their true ne e ds and may or may not
und erstand their own resp onses. To b e an effective parent,
practice sp eaking the primary love languag e of each child.
Until you discover the primary love languag e of each of your
children, sp eak all five re gularly.
1. Words of Affirmation—In training our children we tend
to criticize failure. If overd one, this can create d evastating
conse quences in adult life. D etermine to praise your child for
every right thing over the next we ek. A minimum of two
compliments a day is a g oo d g oal.
2. Q uality Time—G et d own to your child’s level. Discover
his/her interests and learn as much ab out him/her as p ossible.
Be totally present, giving your child undivid e d attention. Make
time each day to give your child (or each of your children) at
least a few minutes of quality time. Make it a priority
3. Receiving G ifts—G ifts, if overd one, can b ecome meaningless
and teach a child a false set of values. But p erio dic gifts,
thoughtfully chosen and given with affirming statements such
as “I love you, so I g ot a sp ecial gift for you,” can help me et a
child’s ne e d for love. (You may also express your love as you
refuse to give your child something you think is inap pro priate.
“I love you, so I will not buy you a rattlesnake for a p et.”)
4. Acts of Service—Though you constantly p erform acts of
ervice for your children, the next time you complete a task
esp ecially meaningful to your child make sure that you say it
means you love him/her. Pick a task that is not esp ecially
ap p ealing to you but very imp ortant to your child.
5. Physical Touch—Hug ging, kissing, and ap pro priate touching
are very imp ortant for the child’s emotional tank. C onsid er each
child’s ag e, temp erament and love languag e, and d etermine a
unique ap proach in this area. As they g et old er you will ne e d
to b e sensitive, but maintain a re gular habit of touching for
affirmation.
F OR GRO UP DISCUSSIO N
Share the imp ortance of b oth discovering and sharing the
conce pt of love languag es with your children. This will ne e d
to b e d one at the ap pro priate level of und erstanding, base d
primarily on ag e. Encourag e your children to express what they
consid er to b e their primary way of receiving love, and let them
know yours, as well as that of your sp ouse. H ow is this d one in
different cultures and family environments?
Notes
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