‘The Instant Of My Death’ by Sarah Jackson is written from a first person narrative point

of view and depicts the manner in which journeys can transform people and awaken
their spiritual instincts. In this case the poet’s journey can almost be compared to a
pilgrimage as it awakens her spiritually. She experiences an epiphany when a small boy
while travelling on a bus playfully aims her at with a toy gun. It is almost a heart
stopping moment for her, but she speedily recovers and “moves on”, more enlightened
spiritually than before the incident.

Jackson writes about the notion of intimacy, and its accompanying pleasures and
discomforts. She uses a simile to write about her unpleasant experience in the bus,
stating ‘the fat man [rubbed] his leg against her like a damp cat’. This damp clinginess
creates an uncomfortable experience. The fat man also represents perversity that one
sometimes encounters in sexual alliances. This seemingly perverse act is juxtaposed
against the innocuous one of another traveller reading a holy book, ‘The Jataka Tales’
“three rows from the back.” One of the themes in the poem is escapism. An English
author, a westerner is travelling in a crowded third world country, in a bus crammed
with people. This could be paralleled to her hectic life in the west before her arrival to
the country wherein she seeks solace.

The poet mentions that they “all stumbled on” towards their destination, which
indicates that they are crossing hurdles or difficult terrain on their arduous journey
towards enlightenment. The bus struggling along on its journey is juxtaposed against
the majestic beauty and power of nature, wherein the sky is “propped open” by the
sheer force of the mountain peaks.

Natural beauty almost has a spiritual quality to it. The splendid sight of mountains and
meadows is awe-inspiring for the poet even from within the confines of the bus and she
is fascinated by the rural spectacle of cows grazing. So emotionally moved is she that
she “felt [her] eyes glaze over.” However, disillusionment sets in upon reaching the
settlement of Gramphoo, where man has established his presence, and
commercialization mars the landscape with the presence of two ‘dhabas.’ These are
juxtaposed against the glory of nature. It is here that a small novice monk, “ a black-eyed
bean” in “red flannel” shoots at her “with a toy gun.” The mere fact that the boy, a
Buddhist monk, in whom is indoctrinated the concept of non-violence, perpetrates this
act of violence is a rude shock for her. In ‘the instant of [her] death’ she experiences an
epiphany and makes her realize that even a very small person can make someone
change her perceptions and beliefs.

However, this incident occurs almost simultaneously and paradoxically when she
reaches a forked road on her journey “where the road divided” and during this part of
her journey, she confronts both spirituality and earthiness. There comes about an
almost reawakening of her beliefs, and self- realization sets in. The two roads heading in
different directions also indicate that there are always paths leading to different choices
in life. She chooses the road to enlightenment by closing one chapter in her life where “a
piece” of her stopped. The bus then “moved on” and “the instant of her death” makes
way for a spiritual rebirth.

This is reiterated by the symbolic gesture of the “fat man beside” her cracking “open an
apple with his thumb.” This is probably a biblical allusion to Christ being portrayed
holding an apple, wherein he represents the second Adam who brings life. Moreover,
the apple in the Garden of Eden is also a symbol for knowledge and immortality.

The poet has paid great attention to detail with her keen observations and vivid
descriptions of her journey and her confrontation with the boy. The poem is written in
free verse and has six stanzas. Several lines with enjambment indicate continuous
movement like that in a bus journey and her continuous flow of thoughts. Sarah Jackson
also uses several caesuras to give the reader a moment to reflect on different stages of
her journey. The first pause is to admire the splendid majesty of the mountain peaks
near Spiti, the next is during her keen observation of cows and Tibetan temples, while
the third is a longer pause upon reaching the town of Gramphoo, where she becomes
disillusioned and her beliefs are shaken.