Kyle Malanowski

1 February 2018

Dr. Smith

ENGL 459

Abnormal Literacy Development: When a Literacy Sponsor is Lost

Commonly as our age increases so do our skills with literacy, yet what if this wasn’t the

case and that the skills involving literacy could be deteriorated through traumatic events? James

Paul Gee defines literacy as “control of secondary uses of language (i.e. uses of language in

secondary discourses)” (23). The term discourses will be defined later on, also through Gee, but

as for right now we will simply focus on how trauma can negatively impact an individual’s skill

in using secondary language. I do not want to limit the trauma to a specific type due to all trauma

having the capability of impacting literacy rather this will focus on the traumas result on literacy

involved with social behavior and social interaction. Everyone at some point in their life has had

to deal with losing a loved one, but the impact of this trauma differs between each individual.

There are those who move on, those who don’t, and then… there’s me. I’m a special type of

individual who deals with trauma in a way most people aren’t capable of understanding. When

my father passed away right before my 13th birthday I was shocked. It honestly was one of those

cliché moments where it didn’t seem like it was actually happening, but it was, and sooner or

later I’d know it. I had literally lost my best friend, my dad, the only person I actually had a
connection with or did anything with. I handled my despair the same way I do now with a

meaningless gaming addiction. Whenever I am not in class at university or at work I am home

playing Overwatch, Diablo III, or Heroes of the Storm with my boyfriend. This addiction is a

piece of the larger issue of my illiteracy. The trauma behind the loss of my father caused this

affective disconnect I have towards socializing and environments promoting social activity. By

affective disconnect I mean that I intentionally create obstacles to influence the outcome of the

situation favoring the result that requires the least amount of social interaction possible. My

feelings and attitudes towards meeting new people and forming new friend groups are on a scale

from negative to non-existent. Whenever I’m presented with a new discourse and the ability to

enter into such discourse the proper and typical methods to doing so are adopt the mannerisms,

remain polite, and conform so to not be cast out. I am not capable of this though in any regard,

when it comes to entering the discourse I am apathetic. I do not adopt the mannerisms, I am

brash not polite, and I do not conform. I am using my story as a means to analyze why exactly

rather than choose to enter discourses in the typical manner I choose to cast myself out and

perpetuate my illiteracy.

First we need to establish how exactly I developed this gaming addiction and this was

entirely because of my father. I was raised with a PlayStation controller in hand along with a

paintball gun, shotgun, rifle, revolver, fishing pole, sleeping bag and love for anything and

everything involving the outdoors. My father and I did everything together. There wasn’t a

weekend that went by that we didn’t spend together doing various outdoor activities. My dad

entered me into football, baseball, soccer, and competitive target shooting, the child I was then

and the child I am now are polar opposites. The child I used to be loved being outdoors and

social but since moving to Myrtle Beach I cannot stand being outside (especially in the summer)
and I could not care any less about socializing and making new friends. The reason for my lapse

in identities is due to the activities I enjoyed with my father being limited after he passed away

and we moved out of state. When my father passed away and the remainder of my family moved

to Myrtle Beach my mother sold my shotgun, rifle, revolver, fishing poles, to simplify things the

only thing she didn’t sell was the PlayStation my father had raised me on. Between moving away

from the few friends I had and forcefully limiting the activities I can do, I was practically forced

into becoming a hermit. I retained my love for gaming because it was the only thing I could do

now that I had done with my father and from that point on my addiction only grew. As a child

when you spend a respectable amount of time devoted to a specific activity and then the one

person you would do it with suddenly isn’t able to play with you anymore you form a bond with

the activity itself to keep alive the memories formed during this time.

The memories that I have kept alive are of my father and I playing split screen or taking

turns playing single player games, but now that the field of gaming has advanced so rapidly more

games now have a multiplayer emphasis. With this increase on popularity for multiplayer games

the options for a play such as me slowly begin to dwindle. I have three options although it really

is only two options: I can continue to browse the market for quality single player story driven

games (which there are still plenty of), my second option is I can communicate with my fellow

players on multiplayer games or the third option which isn’t a very viable option is to play

multiplayer games and just ignore my fellow players inhibiting cooperation and our chances at

victory. This is where video game discourse becomes important and is defined by Gee as “a

socially accepted association among ways of using language, of thinking, and of acting that can

be used to identify oneself as a member of a socially meaningful group or ‘social network.’”

(18). I believe that for me the way in which my literacy is hindered is through establishing
connections to form these meaningful social groups. The communication I have with teammates

and other players resembles that of a troll or unpleasant player. This behavior is similar to

someone who doesn’t have any skills with literacy. When in a particular discourse the secondary

forms of language that people aren’t normally conscious. These forms of language are obtained

when the individual enters the new discourse and develops a type of “identity kit” which allows

them to seem as if they were never an outcast to the discourse. This is the trait that I have lost

since the death of my father and without my identity kit I have trouble proving that I am not only

a meaningful contributor to the discourses I am in but also that I cannot enter in to new

discourses because due to apathy and detachment from wanting to socialize I refuse to conform

to groups like others.

It seems to me that the relationship I had with my father was also the reason for my

motivation to be social and participate in these outdoor activities. Especially when it comes to

doing the outdoor activities not only was my father my motivation but also the only reason I was

capable of doing them. When you depend on somebody so heavily for interaction and enjoyment

and they’re suddenly stripped of that capability the dependent not only loses ability but loses the

will and motivation. Without the motivation to continue such activities I turned inward to

continue with the one activity I could easily pursue and without having to depend on anyone

else. This backhanded power of not having to rely on anyone else is what perpetuated my

solitary addiction to video games. Dependency is not something that can be controlled so rather

than rely on chance the option I chose was to be dependent on myself and with no forceful factor

or motivation to nurture my literacy I became illiterate and continue to perpetuate my own

illiteracy.