Albano Sta Ines - Final Thesis

EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS i
University of the Philippines
A PHENOMENOLOGICAL STUDYON THE EXPERIENCES OF SUICIDE

SURVIVORS IN THE PHILIPPINES
Jaana Lei Domingo Albano

Crispin Lauro Gregorio Sta. Ines
Bachelor of Arts in Applied Psychology
Adviser:
Bryan Q. Engay
Applied Psychology
University of the Philippines
Extension Program in Pampanga
May 2017
EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS ii
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May 2017
May 2017
EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS iii
Declaration
We herby declare that this thesis titled “A Phenomenological Study onthe Experiences of Suicide
Survivors in the Philippines” has been written by us in its entirety. We attest that this is our
original work not previously submitted for any degree or diploma program in any other
university.
We further attest that we have acknowledged all sources we have used in this thesis.
May 2017
May 2017
EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS iv
UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES DILIMAN

EXTENSION PROGRAM IN PAMPANGA
Approval Sheet
This thesis entitled “A Phenomenological Study on the Experiences of Suicide Survivors in
the Philippines” prepared and submitted by Jaane Lei D. Albano and Crispin Lauro G. Sta.
Ines has been approved and accepted as partial fulfilment of the requirements for the degree
Bachelor of Arts in Applied Psychology.
Approved by the faculty of the B.A. Applied Psychology program this 25th day of May 2017.
Prof. Bryan Q. Engay
Prof. Rosanne Galvez-Echivarre Prof. Philip Manuelson Arandia
Prof. Eden Hulipas-Terol Prof. Cristabel Fagela-Tiangco

EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS v
Abstract
The study aimed to explore the grieving and coping experiences of Filipino suicide survivors.
Ten (10) Filipino suicide survivors participated in the study. Purposive sampling and snowball
sampling were used to gather the participants. Pakikipagkwentuhan was used to gather the data
and they were analyzed using Thematic Content Analysis. The themes were categorized based on
(1) the grieving processes Filipino suicide survivors underwent after the suicide of their loved
one, (2) the challenges experienced by the Filipino suicide survivors after losing a loved one
from suicide, (3) the coping strategies Filipino suicide survivors used, (4) the factors that aided
in Filipino suicide survivors’ coping positively, (5) the effects of the suicide to the Filipino
suicide survivors, and (6) the culturally- relative ways of coping of Filipino suicide survivors.
Results have shown that acceptance of suicide, religiosity, relationship-oriented coping are the
most common coping strategies of Filipino suicide survivors. Greater understanding of the
suicide phenomenon and improvement of interpersonal relationships are the most common
effects of the suicide of loved ones to Filipino suicide survivors.
Keywords: suicide, Filipino suicide survivors, loved ones, coping, grieving, challenges,
effects
EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS vi
Table of Contents
PAGE
ABSTRACT .................................................................................................................................... v
LIST OF TABLES ....................................................................................................................... viii
LIST OF FIGURES ....................................................................................................................... ix
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ............................................................................................................ x
CHAPTER I - INTRODUCTION .................................................................................................. 1
Background of the Study .................................................................................................... 1
Objectives of the Study ....................................................................................................... 6
Statement of the Problem .................................................................................................... 6
Scope and Delimitations ..................................................................................................... 8
Operational Definition of Terms ......................................................................................... 9
CHAPTER 2 – REVIEW OF RELATED LITERATURE ........................................................... 11
Concept Map ..................................................................................................................... 25
CHAPTER 3 - METHODOLOGY ............................................................................................... 26
Research Design................................................................................................................ 26
Participants ........................................................................................................................ 26
Instruments ........................................................................................................................ 27
EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS vii
Procedure .......................................................................................................................... 27
Ethical Considerations ...................................................................................................... 28
CHAPTER 4 - RESULTS............................................................................................................. 30
Descriptive Statistics ......................................................................................................... 30
Thematic Content Analysis ............................................................................................... 32
CHAPTER 5 - DISCUSSION ...................................................................................................... 63
How Suicide Survivors Grieve with the Loss of Their Loved Ones ................................ 63
Challenges Experienced by Suicide Survivors as a Result of the Suicide of Their Loved
Ones .................................................................................................................................. 67
How Suicide Survivors Cope with Their Experience ....................................................... 72
Factors That Aid in Coping Positively of the Suicide Survivors with A Loss of A Loved
One .................................................................................................................................... 77
Effects of the Suicide among the Suicide Survivors ......................................................... 79
Culturally- relative Ways of Coping of Filipinos ............................................................. 83
Factors That Affect Stigma Consciousness of Filipino Suicide Survivors ....................... 86
CHAPTER 6 – CONCLUSIONS AND RECOMMENDATIONS .............................................. 89
Conclusions ....................................................................................................................... 89
Recommendations ............................................................................................................. 91
REFERENCES ............................................................................................................................. 94
APPENDICES ............................................................................................................................ 101

EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS viii
Appendix A: Informed Consent Form ............................................................................ 102
Appendix B: Interview Transcripts ................................................................................. 103
List of Tables
PAGE
Table 1.Frequency Distribution of Participants Based on Age (N=10)……………………… 29
Table 2.Frequency Distribution of Participants Based on Religion (N=10)…………………. 30
Table 3.Frequency Distribution of Participants Based on Employment (N=10)…………….. 30
Table 4.Relationships of the Suicide Survivors to the Suicide Victims and the Years…........ 31
Elapsedfrom the Time of the Suicide of Their Loved Ones
Table 5.How Suicide Survivors Grieve with the Loss of Their Loved Ones………………... 32
Table 6.Challenges Experienced by Suicide Survivors as a Result of the Suicide of……….. 37
Their Loved Ones
Table 7.How Suicide Survivors Cope with Their Experience………………………………. 42
Table 8.Factors That Aid in Coping Positively of the Suicide Survivors with A Loss……... 50
of A Loved One
Table 9.Effects of the Suicide among the Suicide Survivors...……………….……………... 52
Table 10.Culturally- relative Ways of Coping of Filipinos…………………….………….... 59
Table 11: Filipino Psychology Concepts That Affect Filipino Suicide……………….……... 85
Survivors’ Stigma Consciousness

EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS ix
List of Figures
PAGE
Figure 1. Conceptual diagram of the study………………………………………………….. 24

EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS x
Acknowledgements
First, we would like to thank God for hearing our prayers and guiding us all throughout
the whole process of completing this research. We thank Him for being with us especially in
moments when we were about to give up. Without His guidance, we would not have made it this
far.
We would also like to express our deepest gratitude to our parents who were very
supportive with our thesis. Thank you for your patience, understanding, constant reminders to
finish do well in our research, and most importantly, for believing in us. We would also like to
thank our relatives and friends, especially our blockmates, who went through the same hardships
and challenges as we did. Thank you for your undying support and friendship.
We also want to thank our professors, especially Prof. Bryan Q. Engay and Prof.
Cristabel F. Tiangco, for guiding us since the development to the accomplishment of this
research. Thank you for your patience, encouragements, and believing that we can do this.
A huge thanks also to the participants of our study for trusting us with your stories and
your experiences. You are a big part of this, we would not have done this without you. This is for
you and for the whole mental health community.
Last but not the least, we would like to thank Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf SM Clark for
opening your doors for us. Thank you for not making us feel that we were staying for too long
when in fact, we were. Thank you for understanding the college students who stayed for up to 9
hours straight despite ordering just 1 drink each. Commented [BQE1]: one
EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS 1
CHAPTER 1
Introduction
Background of the Study
Suicide is defined by the Webster dictionary as “the act of taking one’s own life Commented [BQE2]: kahit alisin niyo na ang Webster.
Too cliché.
voluntarily or intentionally”. Suicide has been a prevalent social issue since the existence of
human beings; existing documents about suicide have been present since ancient civilizations of
Greece and Rome. During those times, suicide was not treated as a sin nor did it violate any
moral ruling, with slaves and soldiers as exceptions. It was not until the 1700s that philosophers Commented [BQE3]: Begin as new sentence na lang.
Slaves and soldiers however are exceptions.
and scientists concerned themselves with the moral aspect of suicide (Minois, 2001).
Suicide has long been an existing phenomenon across the globe. In ancient Greece,
suicide, for the most part, has been deemed acceptable. According to Laios et al. (2014) of the
University of Athens, the significance of suicides in the Greek culture was shown in their
tragedies and literature. It has been used by many playwrights and poets as a tool to depict their
ideologies. Suicide in ancient Greek tragedies and poems was also a depiction of their existing
realities, and of the relationship of men to their fellowmen and to their gods and goddesses.
However, there were also individuals who condemned the practice of suicide in ancient Greece.
Doctors believed that suicide should be classified as an “insane behavior”.
Heading east, ancient Japan considered suicide, especially in the samurai class, as an
honorable act. This honorable suicide is called seppuku. In fact, they even categorized suicide
into two main types; Jijin or “voluntary seppuku” and Tsumebara or “penal seppuku”. This act of
honorable suicide has been classified under Durkheim’s altruistic suicide—an act of
responsibility and belongingness—as seppuku was considered an extreme dedication to one’s

role in the society. The extreme dedication was seen positively in the Japanese culture (Fuse,
1980).
In retrospect, most cultures considered the act of taking away one’s own life as
acceptable and a part of life. However, the onset of Christianity changed that belief. It treated
suicide as a sin, for it violates the law of God. In the 1700’s, suicide caught the attention of
scientists and they examined the phenomenon in the aspect of its morality. (Minois, 2001)
Reasons for suicide vary widely across different situations. Suicide may be found as a
way to escape inevitable problems, or it may be done as a result of being alone. Depression is a
common denominator among people who commit or attempt suicide. This depression often
includes the feeling of hopelessness. According to Beck (1975), hopelessness links depression
and suicidal behaviors. Individuals who commit suicide commonly feel as if there is no other
solution to life’s problems other than to end the life that they are living. The way individuals
perceive suicide in general is highly dependent on numerous factors such as one’s religious
background, or personal history. In the Philippines, the suicide rate has been steadily increasing
since 1984, according to a study conducted by the National Statistical Office (NSO) in 2005. In a
span of 21 years, the rate of suicide in the Philippines has gone up to two from 0.24 in 200,000
women, while per 200,000 men, the rate went up from 0.46 to 7 (Ong, 2012). This rate, however,
is still not accurate as many incidents of suicide have not been reported to the authorities.
Many people still treat suicide as socially unacceptable, thus, this results to undeclared
suicide cases. In a news article by Lapena (2015), Dr. Dina Pacquing-Nadera stated that reasons
for the lack of accuracy in these numbers may be attributed to the lack of a reporting system, the
lack of proof to fully rule a death as a suicide, the social stigma brought to the family and loved
ones left behind, and even financial factors such as insurance. In cases such as suicide, religion
also plays a huge part. Since the Philippines is a predominantly Catholic country, suicide is seen
as a grave sin. Most studies currently focus on the individuals who have experienced suicide first
hand such as those who have attempted suicide or individuals with suicidal ideation. However,
what most people fail to see is the effect suicide has to those left behind. Families and loved ones
bereaved by suicide— called suicide survivors— suffer just as much after going through such a
traumatic experience.
Individuals who commit suicide do not consider the fact that ending their own suffering
through suicide contributes to the suffering of all those that they have left behind— those
referred to as “suicide survivors”. In a research by Tal Young et al. (2012), the term “suicide
survivors” was used to refer to friends, families, or loved ones left behind by individuals who
have committed suicide. Bereavement is defined as the state of intense grief after the loss of a
loved one. According to an article in the Harvard Health Publications site, experiencing the death
of a loved one who committed suicide differs from experiencing the death of a loved one due to
natural causes or unfortunate accidents/incidents. Factors such as the traumatic aftermath
resulting from the sudden and usually violent event, the stigma, the mixed emotions, and the
need for answers as to why their loved one committed suicide are normally what makes it much
harder on the survivors.
Given that most of the present studies about suicide are focused on the factors and causes
of the act, the researchers would like to explore more on the effects it has on the loved ones that
are left behind. There are not enough researches that dwell on the feelings and experiences of the
people close to the victims of suicide, when they are the ones at the receiving end of whatever
stressors the act might bring. Suicide is a grave phenomenon that should not be taken lightly.
Going through a traumatizing experience such as suicide will surely lead to a change in some Commented [BQE4]: To changes
aspects of one’s life— routine, outlook in life, relationships, and possibly attitudes to different
matters.
Aside from focusing on the experiences of the suicide survivors, the researchers would
also like to raise awareness about suicide through this study. Time- trend analysis of the suicide
phenomenon shows that though suicide incidents are already being reported, there are still
numerous cases left unreported (Redaniel, Lebanon- Dalida, & Gunnell, 2011). The numbers
reported by statistics are not accurate. People need to be aware that these numbers have more to
them. Through this research, the researchers would like to raise awareness about suicide in the
Philippine context. In addition to this, the term suicide generally directs the attention of the
people to the victim without giving consideration to the well-being of those left behind. The
researchers would like to educate people as to how they could be able to extend a helping hand if
someone they knew would ever come to experience such loss through suicide.
Another reason why the researchers have chosen to conduct the study is because they
want to explore the experiences of Filipino suicide survivors. The researchers also aim to have a
clearer view of what suicide might mean in the Filipino context in general. Suicide symbolizes
different meanings across different cultures, for example, the act of committing suicide is mostly
regarded as honorable in the Japanese culture (Fuse, 1980) In ancient Greece, suicide was used
to depict ideologies (Laios et al., 2014). Different cultures also have different ways of coping
with grief and bereavement from suicide. In a study of bereavement in suicide survivors from 4
countries— Australia, Belgium, Norway, and Slovenia— by Grad et al. in 2004, it was shown
that suicide survivors from each country exhibits different ways of coping with their
bereavement from suicide in relation to their culture. Due to the fact that suicide has different
symbolizations and meanings throughout different cultures, the researchers want to further
explore the suicide phenomenon in the Philippines, specifically its meaning and the effects it has
on suicide survivors. In addition to this, there are significant differences in the attitudes of
westerners and the Filipinos as to how to deal with certain situations in life, thus, the researchers
want to dwell on these unique Filipino traits. Some of these traits are the concept of community
for Filipinos, which has a big role in the personal development of each individual. Research
shows that Asian countries, such as the Philippines, are considered collectivist cultures whereas
social groups in the west are considered individualist cultures. Another is the role of religion in
the values- shaping of a Filipino. As majority of Filipinos are practicing Catholics, the values of
the religion have been instilled in the person ever since childhood. Most values of the Filipino
people are also rooted from Catholicism, which is a rare case in the west. Thus, beliefs in
Catholicism greatly influence the views and behaviors of the Filipino people with regards to
topics such as suicide.
Lastly, the researchers aim to echo the voices of the people left behind by their loved
ones who committed suicide. As stated earlier, the importance of the mental health of those
bereaved by suicide is not given much attention. People normally come to the conclusion that the
mental health of the individual who committed suicide is something that demands much more
attention, when in fact, families and loved ones left behind by people who committed suicide are
the ones who have to cope and live through the situation. According to a study by Krysinska
(2003), suicidal ideations may be experienced by individuals who lost loved ones through
suicide. Similarly, Tal Young and her colleagues (2012) stated that suicide survivors exhibit a
high risk of experiencing major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, suicidal ideations, and
complicated grief that is defined as a prolonged type of grief. However loud their voices are, they
are still not loud enough to prevent others from committing suicide.
Objectives of the Study
The focus of the study was to conduct an in-depth research of suicide survivors and how
they handled having lost loved ones to suicide. Most researches in the field of suicide are
focused on the factors that lead victims to commit the act of taking their own lives. This study,
however, focused on a different perspective of suicide—that of the suicide survivor. This
research aimed:
 to find out how suicide survivors grieve with the loss of a loved one from suicide;
 to identify the challenges experienced by suicide survivors as a result of the death of their
loved one by suicide;
 to find out how suicide survivors cope with the loss of a loved one from suicide;
 to find out what factors aid in coping of the suicide survivors with a loss of aloved one;
 to find out what are the effects of the suicide among the suicide survivors; and,
 to find out if Filipino suicide survivors have culturally relative ways of copingwith
suicide.
Statement of the Problem
The study was a qualitative research aimed at the bereavement process of suicide
survivors and what factors help in the whole process. The following are the research questions
the researchers wanted to find answers to through the study:
 How do suicide survivors grieve with the loss of a loved one from suicide?
 What are the challenges experienced by suicide survivors as a result of the death of their
loved one by suicide?
 How do suicide survivors cope with the loss of a loved one from suicide?
 What are the factors that aid in coping of the suicide survivors with a loss of aloved one?
 What are the effects of the suicide among the suicide survivors?
 Do Filipino suicide survivors have culturally relative ways of copingwith suicide?
Significance of the Study
The findings of this study could help raise awareness about suicide amongst those with
no experience with the phenomenon. The study could help in emphasizing the importance of
mental health in relation to suicide. As for the case of the suicide survivors, the findings of the
study could help them in overcoming grief. The study could be helpful for suicide survivors with
respect to grieving and suggesting appropriate ways of coping.
This research aimed to pave the way for new interventions for suicide survivors. The
researchers hope that the study would lead to more researches focused on how the Filipino
people cope with a suicide of loved ones. The researchers believe in the potential of the positive
traits of the Filipino community in helping an individual with psychological ordeals.
The research could also be of help in counseling psychology. As the study dwells on the
factors and effects of suicide to suicide survivors, it could help in formulating a counseling plan
to the survivors. This would be specifically helpful in the field of counseling in a school setting.
For instance, if a student experiences a loss of a loved one through suicide, the school counselor
could integrate what has been found in this study into the student’s counselling plan. School is a
big factor in the development of a student, so it is ideal that the institution be hands-on in guiding
and assisting the stabilization of the emotional well-being of its students.
In relation to counseling psychology, another field that may benefit from the study is the
clinical aspect of psychology. Local psychologists could design a treatment plan for suicide
survivors, who exhibit dysfunction due to the suicide commission of a loved one. This treatment
plan would be patterned to Filipino psychology, Filipino support system and Filipino religiosity.
If done so, it would be a great start for developing a treatment plan which emphasizes and
prioritizes the uniqueness of Filipino traits. These treatment designs may open the doors to
further researches that explore the capacities of the Filipino concepts(e.g. Filipino support system
and pakikipagkapwa- tao) and use them to better understand the psychological problems
encountered by the Filipinos in the context of our own culture.
Lastly, the research aimed to add knowledge to the field of Filipino psychology, a
budding field in the world of Psychology. Its aim was to serve as a foundation for further studies
about suicide survivors in the Philippine context.
Scope and Delimitations
The research was an exploratory study about the experiences of suicide survivors in the
Philippines, particularly their bereavement process after the death of a loved one and how they
cope with the challenges brought by the loss. The researchers chose this topic because there are
only few existing studies about the bereavement of suicide survivors in the Philippines.
In terms of the length of time since the suicide, the researchers initially set the baseline at
3 years. However, individuals who were willing to participate even if they have experienced
losing a loved one through suicide for less than 3 years could still do so. In a study by Tal Young
et al. (2012), it was stated that 6 months from experiencing a loss of a loved one from suicide is
not enough time for full recovery of suicide survivors, and that 3 years from the loss of a loved
one is when the grief starts to mellow down. The age of the participants to be interviewed started
at 18 years old. The researchers did not limit the gender of those involved in the study. This is
because the study was not a comparative study of suicide survivors across different age groups or
different genders, but rather, a study of their experience as a whole.

Socio economic status and geographical locations of participants were also not
considered since researchers relied on purposive and snowball sampling. The study was
conducted during the academic year 2016 to 2017.
Operational Definition of Terms
 Suicide: For the purpose of this study, suicide refers to deliberately taking one’s own life.
Suicide also refers to completed suicides, which means that the individual committing
suicide succeeded in doing so.
 Bereavement: This refers to the state of being deprived of the presence of a deceased
loved one through suicide. A person who is bereaved has experienced challenges brought
about by the suicide, and has employed different coping strategies to get through their
loss.
 Coping: The term “coping” means the efforts exerted to continue living a normal life
after experiencing grief due to the death of their loved one.
 Challenges: Challenges are defined as situations brought about by the suicide that made
living more complicated than usual.
 Suicide Survivors: In this study, suicide survivors are defined as those who were left
behind by people who committed suicide. The suicide survivors in the study are those
who have loved ones that have committed suicide at least three years ago or those who
experienced the loss of a loved one from suicide for less than three years but are willing
to participate in the study.
 Loved Ones: The term “loved ones” refers not only to the parents and siblings of the
suicide victim. Other relatives, peers, and romantic partners could also be a part of the
study as long as they consider themselves close to the suicide victim— close in the sense
that the victim has confided in them regarding their problems in life, or that they have
stayed in constant contact with the victim not long before the act was committed.
CHAPTER 2
Review of Related Literature
In the present, suicide is a topic widely- researched on. In the 20th century, a deeper
understanding regarding suicide has taken place. Scientists have come to understand that suicide
is a complex phenomenon; various factors—biological, psychological, and sociological— are
considered that might lead up to it (Cvinar, 2005).
According to the World Health Organization (2012), suicide is the 15th leading cause of
death worldwide. Seventy- five percent of the reported suicide deaths worldwide were from
countries with low to middle income. WHO (2016) also reported that Southeast Asia has the
highest regional average of reported suicide cases worldwide with 17.1%. Europe comes in 2nd
with a regional average of 13.8%. The reported global average is 11.4%.
In the same study conducted by World Health Organization in 2016 about the rate of
suicide mortality rate globally, the Philippines is not part of the Southeast Asian group. The
Philippines has been put into the group of Western Pacific along with co- Southeast Asian
countries like Singapore, Vietnam, and Malaysia. The Western Pacific group has a regional
average of 9.9. The Philippines’ cases of suicide mortality is on the lower bracket, with a rate of
only 2.6 per 100, 000. However, no matter how low the rate of Philippines’ suicide mortality
compared to other countries is, the rate has been continuously increasing since 1984. According
to a survey conducted by the National Statistical Office in 2005, rates of suicide of Filipino
males and females have gone up in a span of 21 years. Though the figures seem low globally,
locally the figures are adding up. This rise in numbers is and should be a cause of concern.
However, it is also possible that some cases of suicide are not reported; a possibility of the
suicide rate in the country might be higher than the statistics (Redaniel, Lebanon- Dalida, &
Gunnell, 2011).
In a time-trend analysis and literature review done by Redaniel and her colleagues
(2011), they stated that despite the fact that the suicide rates in the Philippines are low, there are
observable increases in attempts. An increase in the occurrence of suicide completion and
attempts among adolescents and young adults are also believed to be a reason to give importance
to the issue. Redaniel et al also stated that the low suicide rates may also be a result of the
underreporting due to the fact that the Philippines is a predominantly Catholic country. This was
also supported by a trend observed by Redaniel that predominantly Catholic countries in Europe
such as Spain, Italy, and Portugal were considered to have the lowest suicide rates in that region.
Grief
According to Love (2007), grief is referred to as “loss of symbolically important
connections and involves intense emotional reactions and changes to our experiences of self, the
world, and the future.” Grief is a common experience that goes hand-in-hand with losing a loved
one. However, the intensity of grief varies from one person to another. Some people are more
open about their grief experiences, while others are not. Some people also take a longer time to
return to their normal lives, while others seem to manage it quickly (Bonnano & Kaltman, 2001).
Tal Young and her colleagues (2012) also defined grief as a universal, instinctual, and
adaptive response to a death of a loved one. In the same article, grief was divided into three
subcategories. Acute grief was defined as the “intense and distressing emotions” experienced by
individuals who lost a loved one. Feelings of numbness, shock, denial, anger, regret, and
loneliness are just some of the experiences reported by people with acute grief. These feelings
come off strong at first, but eventually mellow down over time. After going through acute grief,
bereaved individuals go through either integrated or complicated grief. Integrated grief refers to
the period of “acceptance” or “healing.” People in this stage of grief have a sense of acceptance
of what has happened, and the fact that they have been grieving. They are also able to carry on
with their lives, through resuming work or allowing themselves to be happy. They now face life
with new experiences and learnings brought about by their loss. However, a few individuals fail
to go through integrated grief. Instead, they experience prolonged acute grief referred to as
complicated grief. This type of grief is characterized by intense feelings and emotions, similar to
acute grief that does not diminish over time. This may result to disruptions in daily living, or
even suicidal ideations brought about by the strong urge to join their loved one.
Individuals undergo a more complicated grieving process when they have experienced a
sudden loss of someone close to them, a sudden death, or a death caused by means that are
difficult to talk about (Maddocks, 2003; Stroebe, 2010).
Bereavement of suicide survivors
Everyone has a different way of coping with different stressful situations, and suicide is
no exception. Although many previous researches showed that bereavement of suicide survivors
are different from the bereavement of individuals who lost their loved ones through natural
deaths, the two populations both undergo a grieving process. Confusion typically ensues right
after a suicide— questions arise such as why did it happen and what to tell people, among others.
Suicide survivors are also usually in denial at first. The ideal to do then is to make them realize
the reality of the situation so that they are not stuck asking too many questions— lessening the
guilt and blame they put unto themselves. Suicide survivors also develop a sense of guilt, shame,
and rejection. (Clark, 2001).

Some suicide survivors also feel complicated grief, which according to Zhang, El-
Jawahri, and Prigerson (2006), is characterized by the inability to accept the death of an
individual and yearning for a deceased. It is also important to note that complicated grief and
depression are different. Complicated grief may exhibit symptoms of depression (Stroebe, 2010),
but it is not a case of the latter. A study about multivariate models showed that complicated grief
was highly predicted by violent causes of death, but violent causes of death are not associated
with high depression level (Floyd, Seltzer, Greenberg, & Song, 2013)
According to a meta- analysis by Clark (2001), there are two types of reactions from
families of a suicide of a family member. The first is when the family is considered well-
functioning and an unexpected suicide of a member occurs, the family has a hard time adjusting
and problems within the unit arise. The second type is when a family that is not tight-knit. When
a member who previously exhibited suicidal symptoms takes their own life, family members feel
a sense of relief. The relief comes from the thought that distractions are over. They also believe
that the suicide of the family member opens doors for new beginnings.
A study by Farberow et al. (1992) about spouses of suicide victims showed that, within
the first 8 weeks of death, they exhibit no difference in mental health and grief reactions with
spouses who lost their other- halves through natural causes of death. However, spouses who were
suicide survivors still exhibited distress a year after the suicide of their loved ones, while spouses
bereaved from death by natural causes showed diminished distress 6 months after death of their
loved ones.
Closeness of the family. The relationship of family members with each other is also
believed to have an impact to the bereavement of suicide survivors. Research has shown that
children bereaved by suicide gain protective factors when their parents have a secure relationship
with each other prior a suicide, when a parent is strong enough to take on dual roles, and when
the parents can provide stability. High self- esteem of a child and high functioning level of a
remaining parent also serves as protective factors of adolescents bereaved by a suicide of a
parent. Children who have a close relationship with a parent who has committed suicide are also
likely to exhibit problems in coping compared to children whose relationship with the deceased
parent is not too tight. (Andriessen, Draper, Dudley, & Mitchell, 2015)
Young adults’ understanding of suicide. According to a phenomenological study by
Mallon and Stanley (2015) of bereaved young adults who had close relationships with completed
suicide victims, there are three themes that exhibits how young adults understand the suicide of a
friend. The first theme is that some tend to not go into details of the suicide. The second is that
some young adults, upon knowing the suicide of a friend, accepts it. After a week or two,
however, they start to ask questions as to why their friends committed the act. They, again,
accept the news later on. The third is that some tend to consider the suicide of a friend
unplanned— that the suicide was an accident and that their friends just went too far. It is also
observed in the study that young adults have the tendency to describe a suicide in terms of its
physical aspects.
Coping
Coping refers to the different ways in managing the situation a bereaved individual is in
(Stroebe & Schut, 2010). Individuals differ from each other in the ways they cope with stressful
events. According to Lazarus and Folkman (1984), there are two styles of coping: problem-
focused and emotion- focused. These two types of coping differ with each other in that the
former is focused on solving a problem to reduce the stress it causes, while the latter is focused
on regulation of emotions that are associated with the stressful event. A third type of coping has
also been added by Carver, Scheier, and Weintraub in 1989, the avoidance coping strategy. In
this type of coping strategy, the individual chooses to ignore the stressful situation and the
consequences the situation brings.
Carver, Scheier, and Weintraub (1989) also proposed 13 scales of coping because they
thought that Lazarus and Folkman’s problem- focused and emotion- focused coping strategies
are broadly defined to classify the behavior as either of the two. However, their proposed types
are still based on Lazarus and Folkman’s types of coping strategies. These proposed coping
strategies are as follows: active coping, planning, suppression of competing activities, restraint
coping, seeking social support for instrumental reasons, seeking social support for emotional
reasons, focusing on and venting of emotions, behavioral disengagement, positive
reinterpretation and growth, denial, acceptance, and turning to religion.
Coping with bereavement. Each individual has a different way of coping with the loss of
their loved ones. In the case of bereavement, people mostly employ coping strategies to lessen
the effect of grief. Seeking social support, continuing the bond made with the deceased person,
adapting a positive mindset when dealing with events, adapting a ruminative coping strategy,
making meaning out of the loss, and regulating of emotions are the most commonly employed
coping styles of individuals who have experienced bereavement (Stroebe, 2010). These coping
styles can be adaptive or maladaptive, depending on the individuals who are experiencing
bereavement.
Effects of suicide of a loved one to suicide survivors
The term suicide survivors was used by many researchers to refer to individuals who
have lost a loved one through suicide (Tal Young et al., 2012). Suicide survivors are often
neglected when it comes to studies regarding suicide, when in fact, they are the first to
experience shame and guilt regarding the phenomenon that has occurred (Begley & Quayle,
2007; Clark, 2001). Guilt, blame, and rejection are the frequently observed themes in several
qualitative studies regarding suicide survivors (Clark, 2001). According to a phenomenological
study of adults who lost a family member through suicide (Begley & Quayle, 2007), guilt partly
comes from the belief that a family member has not lived up to their role as someone who should
have noticed the symptoms of suicide. They also blame themselves for not having noticed the
symptoms earlier. Hence, they feel rejected by the society because of the perceived stigma the
suicide survivors have.
In addition to the act of self- blaming, the social stigma that others impose and the suicide
survivors’ perceived social stigma of themselves is also observed. The stigma brought about by
suicide is said to be different from the stigma brought about by death that are of natural causes.
According to Cvinar (2005), family members of people who died by suicide felt more avoided
and blamed for the death of their loved ones than those people who have family members who
died of natural causes. This is further supported by a study conducted by McNiel, Hatcher, and
Reubin in 1988. They conducted a comparative study of 26 widows— 13 of whom lost their
husbands from suicide and the other half lost their husbands from accidents. The results of the
study showed that widows whose husbands died from suicide experienced more guilt compared
to those widows who lost their husbands through accident. However, a more recent research
suggests that individuals bereaved by suicide do not have many differences with individuals
bereaved by other kinds of death (Cleiren, 1993).
Acknowledging the result of the studies mentioned, it will be essential for suicide
survivors to ask for support from psychologists or from their community to aid them in their
guilt- management. However, studies have shown an evident problem that hinders suicide
survivors from doing so. A study of experiences of suicide survivors from Norway has shown
that suicide survivors have a hard time opening up their sentiments to other people because of the
stigma the suicide has put upon them (Grad, Clark, Dyregrov, & Andriesssen, 2014). A review of
literature by Andriessen (2009) also stated that during a study of 104 suicide survivors, half
expressed their urge to seek the help of professionals, but only 1 out of 4 proceeded to do so. The
perceived social support the suicide survivors are getting are also different from what really is
given by the society. According to Knieper (1999), there is a discrepancy between what the
social support an individual bereaved by suicide perceives and the real support they get. In a
phenomenological study of Belgian suicide survivors, they said that they expected their
caregivers to know and be sensitive about their situation. The bereaved also expected their
caregivers would be skilled in handling the cases of the suicide survivors. However, after being
asked if their caregivers were prepared to handle their cases, the suicide survivors stated that
their caregivers were not (Grad et al., 2004).
Aside from the guilt, shame, rejection, and social stigma suicide survivors feel, the
suicide survivors also run the risk of acquiring mental disorders, undergoing complicated grief
reactions, and possibly even attempting or completing suicide (Cerel, Jordan, Duberstein 2008;
Moore, Cerel, & Jobs, 2015; Stroebe, 2010). As for the case of children, there was no observed
difference in diagnosed depression and suicidal behaviors between children who were bereaved
from suicide, and those who were bereaved from other types of death. However, these children
exhibited signs of anxiety, aggression, and withdrawal after the suicide phenomenon (Shepherd
& Barraclough, 1976; Cerel, Jordan, & Duberstein, 2008). Furthermore, a study by Brent et al.
(1996) contradicts the stand that suicide of a loved one might cause future suicide of the people
they have left behind. The study has found that the suicide of a close friend may act as a
protective factor against future suicide among adolescents.This was because they have seen the
devastating effect it had on the family and friends of their deceased close friend.
Despite the negative effects brought about by a suicide of a loved one to a suicide
survivor, the suicide of a loved one can also bring positive effects to suicide survivors.
According to a research on Post- Traumatic Growth or PTG by Moore, Cerel, and Jobes (2015),
suicide of a loved one “offers an opportunity for growth, strengthened relationships, increased
spirituality, and appreciation for life”. Suicide survivors also felt a sense of “purposefulness”
after a loss of a loved one. They transformed their grief into action rather than turning it into
questioning of what and why the suicide happened. They exhibited a tendency to help people
who they felt were vulnerable (Begley & Quayle, 2007). Schotanus- Dijsktra et al. (2013)
conducted a research on Norwegian and Belgian online support groups for suicide survivors. The
results showed that members developed a tendency to gain friendships by their expression of
feelings through the online forum. In addition to these, family ties become tighter. Siblings in
particular exhibited a positive relationship over time after a loss of a family member from suicide
(Begley & Quayle, 2007).
Filipino traits that may affect coping with bereavement of suicide survivors
Cultures differ from one another in terms of norms, beliefs, and practices. In an article by
Pe-Pua and Protacio-Marcelino (2000), they have defined Sikolohiyang Pilipino as the
“psychology born out of the experience, thought and orientation of the Filipinos based on the full
use of Filipino culture and language.” Shimabukuro and her colleagues (1999) stated that in
dealing with individuals from different backgrounds, counselors must be urged to look at the
different cultural factors that may have affected their perceptions on life and death. With that
being said, unique Filipino cultural practices, traits, and beliefs are defined to shed light on the
views of the Filipinos with regards to death and dying.
The characteristics of the Filipino Family. Mcintosh (2003) stated that the relationship
with the suicide victim play a part in determining the effect of the suicide on the bereaved. For
instance, individuals who have lost a relative through suicide may not consider themselves
“suicide survivors” if they were not close with their relative to begin with. Jordan and McIntosh
(2011) stated that survivors may be divided into three dimensions namely blood relatives who
were in close proximity with the victim, people who were psychologically close or attached to
the suicide victim regardless of kinship, and those who were negatively affected or distressed by
the suicide.
In the Philippine context, the family is not limited to the nuclear family. Legally, the
family relations are defined as relationships between a husband and wife, parents and their
children, and among siblings. Tarroja (2010) stated that studies on Filipino families, regardless
of traditional or non-traditional setups, found that factors such as proximity, emotional
connection, communication, and intimacy are important in maintaining close-knit family ties.
Go (1993) stated that the Filipino family extends to relatives outside the nuclear family such as
grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. She also stated that the family may, at times, include
individuals who are not blood relatives. This extended family was said to provide support to the
nuclear family. Family relationships among Filipinos are not restricted to biological and legal
boundaries. Emotional relationships with non-relatives explain the family treatment given to
friends. According to Go, the proximity is not as important as emotional attachments and
personal relationships when defining the family.

The concept of Barkada. As stated above, the extended Filipino family may include
members who are not relatives. Lajom and her colleagues (2009) conducted a study that focused
on the peer groups or barkadas of adolescents. They conducted four focus group discussions
with two groups from an urban setting, and two groups from a rural setting. Through their study,
they defined the barkada as a group of people who has bonded over time, with common shared
experiences. These common shared experiences are brought about by shared characteristics and
interests that allow them to enjoy spending time together. Members of a barkada believe that the
relationships they have built for each other are strong enough to withstand the test of time. In
relation to Go’s (1993) statement that extended family members provide support to the nuclear
family, barkadas are also expected to help and protect each other. The concept of “damay” was
defined as the act of being there for one’s peer as a companion and a confidant.
The influence of Religion. The Philippines is a predominantly Catholic country. In 2014,
roughly 92% of the Filipino population is composed of Christians and approximately 81% of
these Christians belong to the Roman Catholic church according to the Philippine Statistics
Authority (PSA). Religion greatly shapes how an individual perceives the concept of death and
dying. Braun and Nichols (1997) conducted a study regarding death and dying among four
different Asian cultures. It was shown that Filipinos generally agreed that suicide was not
acceptable. A specific participant of the study specified that suicide goes against the fifth
commandment of the Lord which is that “thou shall not kill.”
In a case study conducted by Shimabukuro and her colleagues (1999), they aimed to
explore the case of an 11-year old boy whose mother has recently died. Shimabukuro was
directly handling the boy’s case. The young boy was referred to the counselor due to the fact that
he has been doing poorly in school. When asked why, he stated that the death of his mother has
taken its toll on him. He has been hearing his mother’s voice and feeling his mother’s presence.
To further understand her client’s situation, Shimabukuro did her research regarding the various
cultural factors that may account for the boy’s action. Through this research, she has found that
Filipinos believe that there are three possible afterlife scenarios. This include the deceased’s soul
to roam around the earth to watch over their loved ones, for the soul to directly ascend to heaven
or purgatory, and for the deceased to have two souls; one that ascends to heaven and one that
continues to roam the earth.
A proposed scale by Carver, Scheier, and Weintraub (1989), turning to religion, suggests
that individuals seek religious aid for various reasons. These reasons include gaining emotional
support, religion being a tool for growth, and an “active coping with a stressor.” Turning into
religion is said to be an effective way of coping because it emphasizes on the resolution of grief
and surrendering oneself to a supreme being, finding the meaning behind phenomena, and
managing fear. (Hoelterhoff & Chung, 2013). This notion is supported by studies that state that
the utilization of positive religious coping strategies results to better psychological- well- being.
These positive religious coping strategies include seeking for forgiveness for the purpose of
relieving stress (Jeffries, Dodge, & Sandfort in 2008; Lehavot & Simoni, 2011)
The Filipino way of handling grief. People who are left behind by suicide victims have
the tendency to feel as if the unfortunate event was a result of their shortcomings. In the
Philippine context, self-anger can be brought about by various factors. Ressureccion (2015)
conducted a study that aimed to find out why Filipinos experience self-anger, as well as what
they do to forgive themselves. The study has found numerous reasons as to why Filipinos
experience self-anger. Filipinos bereaved by suicide experience self-anger due to the notion that
the death of their loved one was caused by their kapabayaan which was defined as carelessness
that caused harm onto others. When asked about how they were able to proceed to forgiving
themselves, the participants stated that acceptance of what has happened and asking for
forgiveness to one’s self, the Lord, and the people is crucial to forgiving one’s self. Some
participants also stated that the event that lead to self-anger served as an eye-opener. They
claimed to have learned their lesson, and accepted that people do make mistakes. Lastly, all the
participants believed that the key to moving on from self-anger is to let go. They stated that in
order for their life to move forward, they must let go of feelings of resentment and guilt for what
happened.
Existing therapies for suicide survivors
Some suicide survivors seek psychosocial support after a suicide of a loved one.
Counselors and psychologists help in the grieving process of the people left behind by
individuals who have committed suicide. It is, however, important to note that there is no
standard treatment plan for suicide survivors. Another problem is that survivors of suicide are
hesitant to seek help because of the perceived rejection when they seek the help of others around
them (Grad, Clark, Dyregrov, & Andriessen, 2004).
Aside from the classic psychosocial support from professionals, suicide support groups
started to gain attention for their effective ways of helping the bereavement of suicide survivors.
One example of a support group is the Living Links in Ireland. It is composed of volunteer
workers who help individuals bereaved by suicide through participating in outreach programs
and sharing experiences with other survivors (Begley & Quayle, 2007). With the advent of
technology, online support groups are also being established to help reach out to those
individuals who suffer depression and anxiety, but are afraid to seek help professionally (Clark.
2001). In the Philippines, an online support group called Anxiety and Depressions Support
Philippines (ADSP) exists which cater to individuals who are depressed and anxious. Those who
wish to join the support group may do so by applying through ADSP’s Facebook page (Romero,
2015).
Postvention. According to Andriessen (2006), “postvention are those activities
developedby, with, or for suicide survivors, in order to facilitate recovery after suicide, and to
prevent adverse outcomes including suicidal behavior.” Postvention does not only include
support groups and psychosocial support by professional; it also constitute proactivity of suicide
survivors into disseminating information for other people to better understand the suicide
phenomenon. In a way, postvention is also prevention (Andriessen, 2009).
Prevention. Perhaps one of the best ways to help in decreasing the cases of suicide and
other misfortunes brought by mental health disorders is to raise awareness regarding them.
Proper education about mental health can help a lot in preventing possible acts of suicide from
happening (Clark, 2001). In the Philippines, the Natasha Gouldbourn Foundation was established
in 2007 to help Filipinos who are in need of support from suicide. Their main goal is to raise
awareness of suicide— what are the symptoms and what could be done to prevent it from
happening (Moral, 2014). 24/7 Hopelines were also launched in Cebu to help people needing
help from their suicide ideations (Babao, 2015).Recently, Philippine Department of Health
secretary Paulyn John Rosell- Ubial also launched a 220-million peso budget for a nationwide
mental health program (Ramos- Araneta, 2016). Senator Risa Hontiveros also has recently
passed the Mental Health Act of 2016 (Ayalin, 2016). These new ventures in the mental health in
the Philippines may shed light to a deeper understanding of mental health in general, not just
suicide. Hopefully, the understanding will lead to more effective interventions based on the
Filipino culture.
Concept Map
Suicide
Suicide Survivors
Bereavement
Coping Effects Grieving Challenges
Factors
Cultural
Factors
Figure 1. Conceptual diagram of the study.
As shown in the concept map above, the study revolves around the topic of suicide,
specifically on the bereavement experiences of suicide suvivors. These bereavement experiences
include the coping strategies employed by suicide survivors, including the factors and possible
cultural factors that influence it, the effects of the suicide on the lives of suicide survivors, their
grief experiences, and challenges brought about by the suicide.

CHAPTER 3
Methodology
Research Design
The research was an exploratory study of the experiences of suicide survivors in the
Philippines. The study aimed to describe the phenomenon of suicide in the perspective of the
ones left behind in the Philippine context, as there are a few present studies regarding the
experiences of suicide survivors in the country. In- depth interviews were conducted to gather
data.
Participants
The researchers gathered individuals who were considered to be suicide survivors. The
act of committing suicide should have taken place at least three years ago. Suicide survivors who
were willing to participate in the interview even though the suicide of their loved one happened
less than three years ago were also accepted. The participants were at least 18 years old at the
time of the interview. There were no restrictions in terms of gender, religion, socioeconomic
status, and geographical location of the participants. Ten participants were sought out to join in
the study.
Purposive sampling and snowball sampling were used to gather participants in the
research. The researchers achieved finding 10 participants by asking for referrals from
psychologists, other participants from the study, and individuals who personally know people
who are bereaved from suicide.

Instruments
Pakikipagkwentuhan. An unstructured interview in the form of pakikipagkwentuhan was
conducted among the 10 participants. This was done to gather an in-depth description of their
stories and experiences as an individual bereaved by suicide. The interview questions were based
on the objectives formulated by the researchers.
Procedure
The researchers contacted psychologists, support groups, and individuals who happen to
know suicide survivors in the country. Briefing was conducted before the interview of a
participant. The researchers explained the purpose and significance of the study to the
participants. The participants were also given ample time to ask questions if they needed any
clarifications.
Informed consent forms (see Appendix A) were given to participants to signify their
intent to participate. They were assured of their confidentiality and data recording procedures
were explained. The audio clip recorded during the interview helpedthe researchers in analysing
and interpreting the gathered data. Once interviews were completed, the participants were
thanked for their cooperation. Results were also validated among the participants. Researchers
also informed participants that a copy of the final manuscript may be made available to them
upon their request.
Data Analysis
Thematic content analysis was employed to interpret the data gathered through
interviews. In doing the thematic content analysis, the statements of the participants were
analyzed. The researchers found statements that they deemed important based on the study’s
objectives, then categorized these statements into themes. The themes depended on the
statements that can be grouped under a category that describes certain aspects of the study
conducted.
The transcriptions of the interviews gathered using the pakikipagkwentuhan were
analyzed. Significant statements were drawn out then they were used to form a meaningful
framework. The gathered meanings were clustered, thus forming themes which they fall into.
The researchers individually categorized the statements into themes. After this, an initial
list composed of common themes found by the researchers was created. This initial list was then
given to a theme validator who reviewed the list and finalized the themes that were going to be
used and discussed by the researchers.
Ethical Considerations
Before the study, the purpose and nature of the study were explained to the participants.
The participants were also asked for their consent. They were reminded that they have the right
to withdraw their participation if ever they no longer felt comfortable in participating in the
study. The researchers were also mindful of triggering unwanted emotions that maylead the
participants to feel forgotten emotions as they were taken back to a complicated and devastating
phase of their lives. The researchers did this by being observant of the participants. They
observed the tone of the participants’ voices, as well as their body language. The researchers
refrained from forcing out answers when the participants were observed to be hesitant in
answering the questions. Data gathered from the participants prior to their withdrawal were also
excluded from the study. The researchers also informed the participants that the interview that
was conducted will be recorded through an audio recorder for documentation purposes.
Participants were also assured that all information collected through the personal
interviews would be kept confidential. They were informed that if data from interviews will be
quoted, pseudonyms would be used to protect their identity. Results of the study will also be
made available to participants who wish to know about it.
Participants were briefed prior to the interview. They were informed of the entirety of the
study. The aims and implications of the study were discussed to further inform the participant of
the nature of the interview that has taken place. After the interview, the participants were
debriefed by reiterating the purpose and nature of the study and assuring them of the
confidentiality of the interview. They were informed that the results of the study would be made
available to them through the contact information they provided.
The researchers practiced self-care by debriefing each other after all the interviews they
have conducted. Given the emotionally heavy nature of the study, the researchers gave
importance to their personal well-being by talking amongst themselves after the interviews. They
shared how they felt about each interview, and consoled each other when they think the
interview has taken an emotional toll on either one of them.

Chapter 4
Results
This study aimed to explore the experiences of Filipino individuals who have lost a loved
one through suicide. As stated earlier, the purpose of this study is divided into six main
objectives. It aimed to find out how suicide survivors grieved with the loss of a loved one from
suicide, to identify the challenges experienced by suicide survivors as a result of the death of
their loved one by suicide, to find out how suicide survivors coped with the loss of a loved one
from suicide, to find out what factors aided in the coping of the suicide survivors, to find out
what the effects of the suicide among the suicide survivors are, and to find out if Filipino suicide
survivors had culturally relative ways of coping with suicide.
Descriptive Statistics
Before moving on to results of the study, demographic profiles of the suicide survivors
are presented. These demographic information may serve as factors in the resulting themes of the Commented [BQE5]: informations
study.
Table 1
Frequency Distribution of Participants Based on Age (N=10)
Age Frequency Percent
48 2 20
42 1 10
41 1 10
35 1 10
32 1 10
22 1 10
21 1 10
20 1 10
18 1 10
.
Table 1 presents the demographic information based on age. Four participants are in the
age group of 40, two are in their 30’s, three participants are in their 20’s, and 1 participant is
aged 18.
Table 2
Frequency Distribution of Participants Based on Religion (N=10)
Religion Frequency Percent
Roman Catholic 4 40
Agnostic 2 20
Christian 1 10
Ecumenical 1 10
Jehovah’s Witness 1 10
Iglesia Ni Cristo 1 10
Table 2 presents the demographic profile of the participants based on religion. Forty
percent of the participants are Roman Catholic, ten percent of the participants are Christian, ten
percent are Ecumenical, ten percent are Jehovah’s Witness, and ten percent are Iglesia Ni Cristo.
Twenty percent of the participants classified themselves as Agnostic.
Table 3
Frequency Distribution of Participants Based on Employment (N=10)
Occupation Frequency Percent
Student 3 30
High School Teacher 2 20
Journalist 1 10
Marketing Supervisor 1 10
Government Employee 1 10
Marketing Executive 1 10
Consultant 1 10
Table 3 shows the occupation of the participants. Seven of the participants are employed
citizens. The remaining three participants are students.

Table 4
Relationships of the Suicide Survivors to the Suicide Victims and the Years Elapsed from the
Time of the Suicide of Their Loved Ones
Suicide survivor Relationship of the survivor Years elapsed Method of suicide of the
to the deceased since death of suicide victim
loved one
Angelo Friend 4 Hanging

Cheska Niece 1 Hanging
Daniel Brother 16 Hanging
Gino Father 4 Chemical ingestion
Kat Niece 7 Hanging
Mia Friend .42 (5 months) Jumping off a building
Nicole Daughter 28 Hanging
Patty Friend 2 Hanging
Peter Brother 2 Hanging
Raffy Student 2 Hanging
Table 4 presents the relationships of the suicide survivors to their loved ones who have
committed suicide. Six of the suicide survivors are relatives and family members of the loved
ones who committed suicide, while four of the survivors are not related to the suicide victim by
blood. Table 5 also shows the years elapsed from the suicide of the survivors’ loved ones. The
longest year elapsed from the death of a suicide victim is twenty- eight years and the most recent
is five months.
Thematic Content Analysis
To obtain the results needed for this study, the researchers reviewed the transcripts of
the10 interviews conducted. Thematic content analysiswas conductedto
categorizetheresponsesbased on the research questions they answered and the different themes
they exemplified. All the names used for the presentation of the results of this study are
pseudonyms, as to protect the identity of the participants of this study.
Table 5
How Suicide Survivors Grieve with the Loss of Their Loved Ones
Theme Frequency
Physical/ physiological 9
Crying
Shivering/ chilling
Emotional/ Affective 6
Shock
Feeling of fear
Feeling of anger
Feeling regretful
Internal coldness
Emotional breakdown
Cognitive 5
Denial
Disbelief
Behavioral 2
Cussing
Behaving hysterically
The manifestation of grief among the suicide survivors was categorized into fourthemes
shown in Table 5. These themes included physical or physiological, emotional or affective,
cognitive, and behavioral ways of grieving. These grief reactions were initial reactions to the
suicide.
Physical or physiological
These are physical reactions and manifestations of grief. The most common physical
reactions of suicide survivors to their loved ones’ death was crying. Peter, 41, stated that upon
the realization that it was his sister who committed suicide, he cried. “Tapos nung dumating
yung boss ko, pagdating niya tapos hinawakan niya ako sa likod ko. Doon na ako umiyak. Doon
ko lang naramdaman na, ‘Oo nga kapatid ko nga ‘yon.’”
Mia, 22, also narrated that upon reaching her home, she did not care if someoneheard her
cry, she could not contain the grief so she let it out. It seemed like crying was a natural reaction
to a tragic and sudden phenomenon, which in this case, is the suicide of loved ones.
Crying was not the only physical manifestation of grief that was noted in the suicide
survivors’ narrations of their experiences. Peter, 41, said that he also experienced shivering
followed by weakening of his body after he learnedof the suicide of his sister. He stated that
whenever he slept at night, he was shivering. The chills would not stop until it was the early
morning after. He then felt that his body weakened after the shivering occurred. He stated,
“Tapos ‘yung takot akong, nanginginig ako kapag dating na ng gabi. Pagdating ng 4 o’clock,
nawawala lang nginig ako around 10 o’clock na. ‘Yung as in nagtsi- chill ako, nanghihina ako.”
Emotional or affective
Emotional manifestation of grief involve the sudden rush or feeling of a certain emotion
suicide survivors experienced upon knowing the suicide of their loved ones. Emotions like fear
and anger commonly came after the suicide of loved ones. Daniel, 48, said that he had nothing to
do except be angry at what happened to his sister, “All you have to do is…magalit.”This anger
was not anger towards his sister, but rather, at the phenomenon that occurred. Peter, 41, on the
other hand, felt fearful after the suicide of his younger sister. He narrated that before the suicide
happened, he had no problem sleeping alone. However, after his sister died, he could not sleep
well at night. His inability to sleep well was caused by his fear of being alone that came about
after what happened to his sister. In addition to the fear, he also stated that he felt regretful over
the death of his sister. He felt as if his sister had her whole life ahead of her. This was expressed
in his statement: “Pero nung time na nakaburol siya, doon ko na narealize na siya nga ‘yung
kapatid ko. Nanghihinayang ako.”
Mia, 22, narrated her experience of overwhelming coldness that was brought about by her
friend’s suicide. She stated that the feeling of cold she experience was internal; it was as if the
warmth of her friend was lost, thus her feeling of cold. She stated:
Unexpected. Noong nalaman ko iyon, nanlamig ako…hindi siya yung malamig na
nanginginig ako, parang it’s internal. Malamig siya sa pakiramdam. Malamig siya, pero
it’s the kind of cold that you can’t shake away by shivering. Malamig siya dahil may
nawala, you lost the warmth of the person close to you kaya siya malamig. Parang
ganun. Psychosomatic yung expression ng grief ko. Nanlamig ako, and siyempre, the
grief was there, it was overwhelming.
These emotional and affective manifestations of grief do not only come in the form of
emotions, the grief of suicide survivors also came in the form of shock and emotional
breakdowns. These emotional reactions to suicide came as a result of the suddenness of the
events that transpired. Majority of the suicide survivors’ initial response to the news that their
loved ones have committed suicide was shock. They were caught by surprise at their loved ones’
taking away of their own lives.
Gino, 42, recalled how shocked he and his wife were when their daughter was
pronounced dead. After his daughter drank a substance, they called the authorities to help them
rush his daughter to the hospital. At that time, he and his wife were still optimistic that their
daughter would be revived. However, due to the intensity of the substance their daughter drank,
the doctors could not revive her. He recalled being shocked after their daughter died, they
thought that she could be revived by the doctors. He stated:

Actually I was in the idea na pwede namang marevive sa ospital. So ayun nga, tumawag
kami ng tulong sa barangay. We are ano naman, na marevive sana siya sa ospital.
Ayon, parang state of shock na rin. ‘Yung gano ka- deadly ‘yung effect ng silver cleaner,
‘yung time na nirerevive siya roon sa ospital kasi nakikita naman namin sa emergency
room. Ayon medyo naiisip namin na, ‘yun nga, na hindi na siya marerevive. Iyon
parang ano sa’min na, anong nangyari?
Daniel also recounted his feeling of shock after the suicide of his sister, similar to that
experienced by Peter and Cheska. Cheska, 21, also stated that the suicide of her uncle led her
mother to have an emotional breakdown. Her mother was staring blankly at nowhere and she was
crying. She recounted that she was also shocked at her mother’s reaction, in addition to feeling
shocked by the suicide of her uncle, “Si Mama nag-breakdown, talagang, nakaganyan siya oh.
Tas ganun [crying sound] para siyang…oo. Ta’s ako, nagulat.”
Cognitive
Suicide survivors’ cognitive reactions of grief involve the thought processes that resulted
from the suicide of their loved ones. These thought processes involve disbelief and denial toward
the suicide of their loved one. Some of the suicide survivors grieved by not thinking about the
suicide and denying that it happened. Some were not able to process the situation well enough,
thus resulting to disbelief. Peter, whose sister hanged herself, was in a state of denial for a long
time after discovering his sister’s suicide. Upon discovering his sister’s body, it did not sink in to
Peter that it was his sister’s. He denied that it was his sister, thinking that it might not be her. It
was not after four or five days that into the funeral of his sister that he fully realized that it was
indeed his younger sister.He said:

Pagpasok ko pala, tinanggal ko siya. Nakatali pa e. Syempre ang first reaction ko
tanggalin siya kasi nakita ko. Tinangggal ko siya, nilagay ko sa bed ko, sa kwarto tapos
in denial ako…’Baka hindi siya ito. Baka iba.’ Alam mo ‘yun... Oo doon pa lang. Pero
siguro 4 days or 5 days after. Tinititigan ko siya. Kung totoo bang kapatid ko.
Raffy, 35, was also in a stage of denial over the loss of his student from suicide. He stated
that he chose not to dwell on the thought that his student, who he treated like a son, has already
passed away. He denied it because it hurt, believing that his student was still with them,“Then
that time nasa ano ako, in denial stage…Wala. Parang walang nangyari. Kasi nasa in denial
stage ako… Alam kong nandiyan siya. Oo. Sasabihin mong wala na. Parang in denial lahat.
Kasi nga masakit.”
Some of the suicide survivors reported that they were in a state of disbelief upon knowing
the death of their loved ones through suicide. They were unable to believe that the event
happened, but they did not deny it. Angelo, 20, narrated how he and his barkada learned about
the suicide of their friend and how they were put in a state of disbelief. He recalled how their
group knew about what happened through another schoolmate. There was a news circulating in
the school that a student with the same surname as their friend has committed suicide. When they
heard that it was their friend, he and his friends were in a state of disbelief.
Oo. Nalaman ko kay Cathy, nung grade… ano palang dati… 7 palang ata siya dati nun.
Sabi niya may nagano daw, Reyes daw. Ganyan ganyan. Tapos sinong Reyes, ‘ka ko.
Fourth year daw, sabing ganoon. Tapos ‘yun nga sinabi niya yung pangalan, si Ryan nga
daw. Di ako makapinawala nu’n. Hanggang…ewan ko parang biglaan nalang kumalat
na bigla ganyan.
Daniel, 48, was also in a state of disbelief after his sister died of suicide. He stated that
they were living together for their whole life, then suddenly she was gone. Sometimes he would
call her, then realizing that she was already dead.
Patty, 32, however, was both in a state of disbelief and denial immediately after learning
about her friend’s suicide. Due to the suddenness of what happened, she thought it was not true,
thus denying it. She said, “How did I take it? Siyempre, disbelief. And denial. The call…’totoo ba
‘yun, ‘di ‘yun totoo.”
Behavioral
Two of the suicide survivors interviewed were noted to exhibit a behavioral response to
the death of their loved ones by suicide. These behaviors brought about by the suicide of their
loved ones came naturally as soon as they knew what happened. Upon hearing the news about
his sister’s suicide, Daniel said he had nothing to do than to cuss about it. Nicole, 48, had been
hysterical when she learned about her father’s suicide.“I said it was just three seconds sa,
parang hindi ko alam na, naghysterical ako. Hysterical.”
Table 6
Ones
Theme Frequency
Guilt 7
Need for cognitive closure 7
Dealing with the negative effects of suicide 7
among other suicide survivors
Stigma consciousness 5
Reexperiencing the traumatic event 3
Recurring memories of the loved ones who 2
committed suicide
Table 6 shows the themed responses of the participants regarding the challenges they
faced after they have lost a loved one from suicide.
Guilt
The first challenge suicide survivors experienced was survivor guilt. Survivor guilt is the
guilt felt by suicide survivors towards what happened to their loved one. This feeling of guilt
comes from the thought that they should have done something to prevent the suicide from
happening. According to Kat, 18, “...sana may mga words nasabi sa kanya na maganda na
nakapag- encourage man lang sa kanya, na sana hindi na niya sana nagawa ‘yun.” Another
form of survivor guilt is the feeling of guilt because of the thought that the suicide survivor
might have been the factor that have led to the loved one’s suicide. Nicole, 48, for example, had
a question that was nagging her for a long time. For years, she was asking herself if she was the
cause of her father’s suicide. Daniel, 48, also exhibited the same response, he said:
‘Yung frustration mo, ‘yung galit mo, ‘yung whatever. And, baka ako. Ayun na. Hindi
naman siguro. Baka ‘yung nanay ko, brother, mga kapatid, pero hindi eh. Pero you go
through that ‘Anong nangyari, baka may nagawa ako?’ ‘yun, those questions.
Feeling guilt over the suicide of their loved ones is usually manifested in the form of
questions. These kinds of questions encompass the second theme on the challenges encountered
by suicide survivors, Need for cognitive closure.
Need for cognitive closure
One of the most common narratives of the suicide survivors include dealing with the
unanswered questions brought by the suicide of their loved ones. The questions stem from not
knowing why their loved ones have committed the act of taking their own lives. Frequent
questions include what happened to the victims of the suicide that led them to commit the act.
For example, Daniel, 48, frequently asked “What happened? What happened? Asan siya?” when
remembering the death of his sister. With no way to find concrete answers to these questions, the
suicide survivors seek for closure but could not do anything but constantly ask. An example of
this is Peter’s lingering question to himself, “Nagkulang ba ako?”
Another matter that the suicide survivors want to seek closure for is that, if there were
things that were different, would the outcome be different from what it had been? They wonder
if they had done something more, would it still be possible that their loved ones would still be
alive today. Patty, 32, said, “...kung kinaibigan ba kita…Kung mas marami ba kong oras sayo,
mas na-save ka ba?” For some suicide survivors who have already discovered the reason of their
loved ones’ suicide, closure for why they committed the act when they have loved ones left
behind is what they seek. This was the case for Kat, 18.
It seems that suicide survivors’ need for cognitive closure are rooted in their lack of
understanding of suicide. In Raffy’s case, his questions stem from his lack of understanding why
his student committed suicide, stating “...’di ko lang maintindihan. Nakakapuzzle kasi, ‘yun ang
gusto kong malaman at ang pinakamasakit pa kasi di ‘ko maaccept.”
Dealing with the negative effects of suicide among other suicide survivors
Another challenge suicide survivors had to deal with was the reactions and negative
emotions of the other suicide survivors around them. For most of the interviewed suicide
survivors, the reactions displayed by the immediate family members and friends of the victims
made it harder for them to cope. For Patty, 32, one of the most difficult challenges she had to
face as a result of the suicide of her friend was the negative emotion of her other friend. She said:
Parang ang hirap lang. Kasi ako, I’m trying my best to still be a friend even if she’s not
around. Siya, I know she still wants to be a friend, it’s just that she has that guilt. Every
now and then, she would tell me I’m not her friend, kasi nga ang hirap patawarin ng
sarili kapag wala na yung tao.
Angelo, 20, also stated that the crying of his friend’s mother during the funeral added to the
heavy feeling he had brought about his friend’s loss.
Kasi ‘yung iyak nung nanay niya iba. Talagang…iba. Talagang mararamdaman mo
‘yung...mararamdaman mo talaga. Parang yung nagsisisi siya, ‘yung mga gano’n.
Meron talagang point ‘yung magsisisi. Siyempre anak niya, ganyan. Tapos,
uhmmm...basta, ‘pag gano’n. Kahit ‘yun...parang dalawa yung problema. ‘Yung
pagkamatay niya, ‘yung hagulgol nu’ng nanay niya. Parang dalawang factors na ano, na
mas nakapagpaano ng damdamin.
Stigma consciousness
Because of the stigma attached to suicide, suicide survivors had a hard time coping up
with their losses. Being in a society in which majority treats suicide as taboo, suicide survivors
are usually silenced. Being silenced results in them not being able to explicitly face the hardship
that they went through. For Nicole, 48, she had been told by her parents- in- law to tell their
family that her father died due to heart attack and not from suicide. That, according to Nicole,
was hard and very painful. For Mia, 22, she and her friends were told by the parents of their
friend who committed suicide to not tell anyone about his suicide. They were also told to believe
that their son’s death was an accident, not a voluntary death. She said:
Tapos, iyon minessage ng isa kong trainor, ta’s ‘yun nga, doon ko nalaman na nag-
suicide pala siya. And he jumped off a building. Ayun, tapos, hindi kami nakapagpaalam,
kasi ‘yung pamilya niya, they don’t believe it’s suicide. They believe that it’s just an
accident. Pero prior that, may 3 attempts na siya, and this is the 4th attempt… Kasi, for
one, ayaw nung pamilya ng nag- attempt na maipalam sa iba. Konti lang kaming
nakakaalam. Kaya hindi ako nagsasabi ng names, I’m not dropping names, I’m not
dropping details because I’m respecting the privacy they want.
From Patty’s narrative also emerged that the stigma attached to suicide in the Philippines
has been in existence for a long time. She stated:
Just that syempre may stigma kasi eh. Traditional ‘yan eh. My dad would tell me na
‘shouldn’t talk about it, shouldn’t entertain it.’ And yeah, I get what he is. He’s just very
worried. Kasi alam mo ‘yung stigma na baka, uy mahawa ka.
Reexperiencing the traumatic event
For some suicide survivors, their experiences with the suicide of their loved ones pops up
occasionally. These occasional reexperiencing of the event lead to feelings of sadness, as with
Angelo’s experience. For Gino, 42, the event led to a permanent scar that will not be healed. The
scar reopens whenever a special occasion triggers the traumatic event, leading him to reminisce
his daughter. “Ano kase eh...uhmm…para ano lang kasi, paulit- ulit siya na sugat na once na
binabalikan mo nananariwa. So halimbawa, ‘pag may mga times na mga moments, special
occasions, ‘dun ulit umaatake yung sabihin na nating bumabalik yung alaala.”
However, for Daniel, 48, he chooses to take his mind off the event whenever it pops up.
He stated that nothing will happen if he will dwell on the negative emotions brought by
reexperiencing the traumatic event. He said that only sadness that may also lead to sickness will
occur if he dwells on those emotions. “Tapos lagi kong naiisip. Pero,’yun nga, kung iisipin mo
talaga, magkakasakit ka,malulungkot ka lagi.”

Recurring memories of the loved ones who committed suicide
Sometimes, suicide survivors think about their loved ones and wonder what it would be
like if they were alive. These reminiscing of the memories with the victims lead to a state of
unhappiness. Such is the case for Raffy, 35, he wondered a lot what more memories could he and
his student make whenever he thought of the good memories he had with him when he was still
alive, saying “Kung ano-ano ‘yung pumapasok sa isip ko. Kunwari nanonood ako ng tv, sana
napapanood nya rin ng ganitong ano..” For Peter, 41, remembering his memories with his sister
when she was still alive was hard. He cannot believe that his sister, who he lived with for years,
has taken her own life. He stated:
Two years siya pero everyday naalala ko pa rin. Ang hirap. Ang hirap. Kasi for three
consecutive years kaming magkasama sa bahay… Tapos namimiss ko yung tinatawag ko
siya, kasi mahilig akong magtawag sa kanya. Irish gano’n. Tapos yung paghihingi niya
ng pera.
Table 7
How Suicide Survivors Cope with Their Experience
Theme Frequency
Accepting the suicide 8
Religiosity 8
Reminiscing good memories with the 7
suicide victim
Sublimation 6
Seeking professional help 3
Cognitive Reframing 2
Avoidance 2
Suicide survivors resort to different coping strategies in an attempt to get over the
traumatic experience. Table 7 shows 7 different themes that emerged from the data gathered.
Accepting the suicide
The common answer as to how the participants were able to cope with is through
acceptance. This refers to being at peace or making peace with the fact that they have lost a
loved one who made the decision to end their life, and accepting the fact that there is no longer
anything that could be done. Acceptance of the suicide also goes hand-in-hand with the
acceptance that the survivors would never be able to get answers as to why their loved ones
committed suicide. For instance, Daniel, 48, stated that:
When something dies you can never get it back. So, yun lang. When you accept it, it’s the
first step in moving on. Making things easier for you, for yourself, for your family,
tanggapin na lang natin yun. Wala na tayong magagawa.
However, for the survivors, the true meaning of acceptance may be vague. This was
exemplified by Peter, 41, when he said that “Kaya lang di ko alam paano ‘yung meaning ng
acceptance e. Kasi naaccept mo na ba makakalimutan mo ba? ‘Di ba hindi naman? Kasi araw-
araw ko pa rin siyang naalala. Araw-araw pa rin akong nanghihinayang”
Religiosity
Suicide survivors have shown the impacts of their religious beliefs when it comes to
coping. Praying to a higher being is commonly done by suicide survivors, regardless of their
religious backgrounds. They have shared that they pray whenever they felt sad or beaten down
by their experience. They also use prayer as a way of commemorating their loved ones. Angelo,
20, narrated how he believes that prayer really does provide him comfort him whenever he
remembers his friend. He said that “Pag sinabing prayer, talagang mabisa yan eh. Hindi ko
sasabihing mabisa daw. Mabisa talaga. Yun yung sakin.”
A positive relationship with God and a strong hold on faith also helped suicide survivors
in coping. Peter, 41, stated that he draws strength from God by believing that having a good
relationship with God means that there is no obstacle he cannot overcome. He said that “If you
have a strong relationship with the Lord walang problemang susukuan mo.” Suicide survivors
have stated that their faith in God helped them by giving them something to hold on to. Their
faith encourages them to believe that God has a plan, and that everything will be alright in the
end. Cheska, 21, firmly believes this as a result of her religious beliefs. “Well sobrang laking
factor na nagbabasa ako ng Bible… religion and spirituality. Kasi alam mo after all these things
everything’s gonna be okay. Kasi beyond your control na eh, yung ganyang mga bagay.”
Suicide survivors also conform to other religious practices when coping with their loss.
They visit tombs of their loved ones and offer a prayer. Patty, 32, narrated how she would write
her friend’s name in prayer envelopes in churches, “and then I also write all the names who are,
ano ba ‘yun, prayer envelope ba ‘yun? Ilalagay ko, ganu’n.”
Reminiscing good memories with the suicide victim
Suicide survivors have stated that reminiscing and remembering their loved one in a
positive light has helped them in coping with their loss. They continued to remember and relive
times spent together with the deceased, and even saved mental images of specific events that
would embody the way they wanted to remember that person. Kat, 18, shared that a mental
image of her uncle smiling while lying on the couch was what helped her cope with her loss. She
stated that “sinusubukan kong i- move yung image na ‘yun (nung suicide) with the image na
nakangiti siya.” Suicide survivors also remember the last days of the deceased, or the last time
they were able to spend time. Mia, 22, shared how she remembered her friend by engaging in a
“memorial” night with friends in the same circle. They spoke of his last days, and remembered
how happy he was. They also spent the same night showcasing arts dedicated to their friend such
as poems, songs, and other performances. She stated:
So hindi kami nakapagpaalam properly kasi ayaw nu’ng pamilya niyang magpunta
kami sa funeral. So, ‘yung pagpapaalam namin, ‘yung psychotherapy group namin, we
held a night honoring him. Tapos since arts therapy kami, it’s more on the arts,
expressing arts na makakapagsariwa ng alaala niya. ‘Di ba yung mga burol, it serves
you a purpose, parang ‘yun ‘yung proseso ng pagle- let go sa minamamahal mo. Sa
amin, yung gabi ‘yun ang proseso ng pag- let go namin sa kanya. So ‘yun, arts, poems,
performances, kanta ganyan. It’s a night for him. That’s our farewell for him. Pero
bago pa ‘yun, for me it helped nu’ng bumalik ako sa activity kung saan ako nagbo-
volunteer, may isa pang member ng psychotherapy group namin, iba ito pero trainor ko
rin siya. We relived his last days, ganu’n. He was happy nu’ng mga last days niya
ganu’n. Ayun nga, may pictures pa siya, nakangiti siya, tumatawa. To know that he was
happy during the last days, parang nakakagaan sa loob na kahit papaano, hindi siya
namaalam nang malungkot. Na kahit papaano, masaya siya.
The modern ages of technology and social media also helped suicide survivors in
remembering their loved ones. Raffy, 35, coped with his loss by revisiting his student’s facebook
account and re-reading old conversations they had through text messages. Daniel, a
photographer, also remembers his sister by keeping photographs of her. He stated, “Remember
‘yung good times you have. She’s still part of the family, ‘yung mga pictures nandun pa,
yung pangalan is still, nandu’n sa…yun. We keep her pictures, lalo na ako, files ko hindi ko
binubura.”
Sublimation
Sublimation in suicide survivors refers to channeling their grief to other outlets that are
beneficial to their well- being. These outlets differ from one suicide survivor to another. Some
channel their energy towards their work or studies. They spend their time focusing on various
demands of their professional lives instead of moping. Daniel, 48, referred to focusing on work
and going on with his life as a way of coping. Kat,18, on the other hand, focused on her studies
as a way of getting away from her thoughts regarding the loss of her uncle. Suicide survivors
thought of this as simply going back to the way they lived their lives before experiencing such a
loss. They went back to the same routine in an attempt to move on.
Some suicide survivors also use different art forms or creative expressions as an outlet for
grief such as writing blogs and journals, singing, and painting. Such creative expression became
a channel, wherein the suicide survivors were able to express their thought and emotions. Mia,
22, shared how she used to keep journals to pour out her emotions. She also found art therapy to
be cathartic. “‘Yan, nakatulong din yung creative expression, kasi ‘yung psych group namin nga,
therapy, ano siya art- based ganun. So yung pag- honor namin sa memory namin sa friend
naming iyon, through the art, ay cathartic, helped us cope.”
Seeking professional help
Some participants reported asking for help from professionals such as psychologists and
guidance counselors. These professionals helped suicide survivors cope by lending an ear, and
guiding them through such a difficult situation. Peter, 41, shared how he was able to cope with
the loss of his sister through the help of “Dr. Marie”,a professional psychologist. He narrated
how he shared his emotions and experiences to Dr. Marie because he felt like he was letting go
of emotional load, especially because he was dealing with his situation alone. “Nakwento ko kasi
kay Doc Marie dati, way ko yun para marelease ko ‘yung nararamdaman ko kasi nga ako lang
magisa.”
Professional help comes in various forms. Patty, 32, mentioned how she was able to
listen to psychologists to help her cope with the loss of her friend. She shared how her
organization, Buhay Movement, had 22 professional advocates, and how they suggested different
ways of coping. Some professionals suggested the use of prescription drugs, while others
believed that prescription drugs were not the way to go. Patty stressed the importance of
knowing oneself first in order to successfully cope. She stated:
Apart from faith, I listen to psychologists. We have 22 advocates in the Buhay
Movement… So merong psychologists. Iba-iba yung mga paraan na sinasabi nila. ‘Yung
ibang magko- cope, ‘yung iba gamot, ‘yung iba hindi gamot. ‘Yung iba, uh, basta aaralin
mo lang sarili mo… Okay lang na humingi ng tulong.
Cognitive reframing
The way suicide survivors viewed their experiences of loss greatly affected how they
were able to cope. As a coping mechanism, suicide survivors resorted to cognitive reframing, or
shedding positive light on their situation. Participants exemplified cognitive reframing in
different ways. Kat, 18, was able to do so by looking at her situation with an optimistic view. She
shared how she thought of good things whenever she remembered her situation. She said:
So, parang think of good things during that time instead of parang staying on that
thought na nangyari nga ito. Instead of beating yourself for it, for something na hindi mo
naman kayang baguhin, na hindi mo naman kasalanan, you need to to move on sa life
kasi mas marami pang mao- offer yung life.
Mia, 22, stated that knowing her friend was happy before he committed suicide makes it
a lot less difficult to cope. Although she was not sure if he really was happy, she chooses to
believe that he is. She stated:
I don’t know if it’s just a façade or if he was truly happy, but I think he was happy in a
certain way kasi ito na, malapit nang makawala sa paghihirap ko, ganyan. Well, from my
perspective, masaya ako nu’n. Kaya ako hindi halatang magsusuicide na ako kasi
masaya na ako na mawawala na ako. So, I assume, siguro posibleng kaya siya masaya
kasi konti na lang makakawala na siya. Gets mo? So, it’s possible na he was also putting
up a façade, but I don’t know. But I think he was happy, or baka ‘yun lang ‘yung sinasabi
ko sa sarili ko. But I believe he was happy.
Avoidance
To cope, suicide survivors avoided anything that had something to do with the experience
of suicide. They did not want to remember thing or places that reminded them of the suicide.
Peter, 41, narrated how letting go of material possessions he had that reminded him of the suicide
helped him cope. He shared how he had to let go of his personal belongings, as well as his
sister’s stuff. He also decided to move out of his house and their community because he felt that
he was reminded of his sister’s death. It was his way of forgetting and letting go of the
memories. He stated:
So nasayang lahat ng pinagipunan ko. Lahat ng pinundar ko. Lahat nawala ‘yon. Lahat
ng gamit sa bahay na connected sa kanya iniwan ko. Ayokong maalala. Ayokong makita
lahat ng ano niya… Siguro environment din. Kasi umalis ako sa bahay na ‘yun e. Umalis
ako sa lugar na ‘yon. Iniwasan ko yung lugar na ‘yon for one year. As in wala. Pati yung
mga aso ko, pinaampon ko ‘don. ‘Di ko sila dinala. ‘Yung mga gamit niya, wala akong
tinira. Wala akong dinala. Lahat ayokong makita.
Kat, 18, also shared how her family started to visit their provincial house less frequently after
her uncle committed suicide there. She stated:
Kasi sobrang parang dalang na lang na pumupunta kami doon. Kasi siguro rin sa
thought na may nangyari na nga doon na meron na siyang bad memories na associated
doon. Tapos ako rin sa sarili ko naa- associate ko na ‘yung place ko na yun ‘pag sa
baryo, parang ano, nakakapunta nga lang ako du’n kapag may namamatay o kaya kapag
may mawawalang loved one ko. Although nae- enjoy ko pa rin pumunta doon, parang
hindi na siya the same memories nu’ng childhood ko after nu’ng namatay ‘yung tito ko.
Another form of avoidance is when suicide survivors refrain from talking about it,
because it brings back the memories of the suicide that they no longer want to remember. For
instance, Kat, 18, narrated how her father did not want hearing the name of Kat’s uncle. Kat’s
family also avoided talking about it whenever they can. She stated:
Even though na parang alam niya, parang kapag kunwari name- mention yung pangalan
ng tito ko, merong times na parang nagagalit siya or parang “’huwag mong i- mention.”
Parang patahimikin mo na ‘yung patay ang sinasabi niya. Kaya as much as possible,
hindi na namin mine- mention yung tito ko… Kasi ‘yun nga hindi naman namin napag-
uusapan ‘yung nagsuicide siya or something. Parang naging ano na siya, closed topic
na ano na, hindi na pwedeng pag- usapan.
Two themes about the factors that aid in suicide survivors coping positively with the loss
of their loved ones from suicide emerged from the participants’ narratives. These two themes are
shown in Table 8, (1) Personality factors and (2) Knowledge about suicide.
Table 8
Factors That Aid in Coping Positively of the Suicide Survivors with A Loss of A Loved
One
Theme Frequency
Personality factors 4
Knowledge about suicide 3
Personality factors
The personality traits of suicide survivors aid in their coping positively with the loss of
their loved ones from suicide. Personality factors involve traits that suicide survivors possess that
help them deal with the challenges they encounter. These traits differ from each person. For
Nicole, 48, it is in her personality to confront her own thoughts to get things clear in her head.
She asks questions to herself and answers them truthfully so realization takes place. She stated
that self- honesty helps a lot. She stated:
I’ve done self-therapy kasi nga sobrang exposed kami ‘di ba? There was a time na meron
akong moment when my marriage was falling apart, tatakbo ako sa U Ave. umiiyak ako.
kinakausap ko sarili ko. ‘Ba’t ka umiiyak? Kasi ang sakit sakit eh. So tumatakbo kang
magisa. Wala namang makakarinig, ang sakit sakit eh. Eh ba’t ka nasasaktan. Eh kasi
mahal ko e.’… I think it’s one of the things na sana maraming tao can reach that kind of
self- honesty. Kasi it really helps a lot. Pag may problem ka, tanungin mo sarili mo.
Sagutin mo rin sarili mo na walang nakakarinig. Na you strip yourself naked of any
biases kasi kung ‘pag ikaw binola mo pa sarili ang laki na ng problema mo.
For Kat, 18, it was her mature thinking that led her to accept the suicide of her uncle easier than
other people. Her optimistic view of situations also helped in her coping. She stated:
Mature ‘yung thinking ko kumpara doon sa dapat thinking ng isang person na nasa
ganitong age. So parang ina- assess, parang gusto ko kasing ino- observe ‘yung mga
bagay or ‘yung tinatantya ‘yung emotions ng mga tao. Parang feeling ko, if magiging
negative ako about something, mas makaka- burden ako sa isang tao. So instead na
maging pessimistic ako, magiging optimistic na lang ako.
Daniel, 48, admitted that he has a strong personality, constantly stating “...ako, I’m strong,
mataas ang pain threshold ko.” His view in life, that it continues, also helped him move on from
the suicide of his sister. For Cheska, 21, calming herself down and looking at the brighter side of
the phenomenon helped her cope positively with the suicide of her uncle. She stated
First of all, parang nagsisimula sa’kin. Parang minsan kina- calm ko ‘yung sarili ko. So
ganu’n lang, think positively. Ganu’n kasi akong tao. Always look at the bright side, ‘di
ko tinitignan ‘yung — wala akong time malungkot. So nalulungkot din ako minsan-
minsan talaga, pero tinitignan ko yung bright side.
Knowledge about suicide
Previous knowledge about the phenomenon of suicide has been a factor that helped
suicide survivors cope positively with the loss of their loved ones. Their existing knowledge
about suicide helped them understand better not only the event, but why the people who have
taken their lives did so. Mia, 22, who is a suicide attempt survivor, understood her friend’s
decision to commit suicide. She stated that having experienced taking her own life and knowing
why taking her own life would be liberating for her at that time, it was easier to accept that her
friend had gone through suicide. She stated:
I’m an attempt survivor that’s why I understand why he did it. So, mas naintindihan ko
siya...And so for me, my own experiences helped me accept what he did kasi I have to
accept what I did. By accepting what I did, parang nakakatulong yun intindihin kung
bakit nagagawa ng ibang tao ‘yun. That’s a major factor.
For Nicole, 48, having experiences of suicide in the family at a young age, being
knowledgeable about the phenomenon helped her cope better with her father’s own suicide.
Being exposed to such phenomenon during her younger days enabled her to do the things
necessary to cope with her loss. Kat, 18, with the help of her mother, understood what suicide
meant at a young age. Her understanding of suicide led her to cope better with her uncle’s own
suicide. She said:
‘Yung mom ko kasi very open na tao...tapos yung ine- explain niya kasi sa amin, hindi
niya sinu- sugarcoat. Hindi niya tina- try na i- deny na, “uy, ito nangyari ito.” Or parang
something. Tapos ine- explain niya as much as possible in a away na maiintindihan
namin. So para hindi kami nahihirapan na i- understand na nangyari nga ito, na hindi
siya mababago.
Table 9
Effects of the Suicide among the Suicide Survivors
Frequency Theme
Greater understanding of suicide 8

Promotion of suicide prevention and mental 5
health awareness
Improved interpersonal relationships 5
Negative emotions towards the victims 4
Negative changes in interpersonal 2
relationships
The effects of suicide among suicide survivors are shown in Table 9. For the suicide
survivors, the suicide of their loved ones has led them to a deeper understanding of the suicide
phenomenon. The suicide has also led them to exhibit behaviors as a result of their understanding
of suicide, and improved relationship with friends and family. Negative effects brought about by
the suicide include developing negative emotions at the victim and weakened relationships with
friends and family.
Greater understanding of suicide
Suicide survivors exhibited a deeper understanding of the suicide phenomenon in general.
For most, their previous perspective of suicide was negative. According to Patty, 32, in the past,
she thought of the people who committed suicide as weak. Same is the case for Angelo, 20. For
Cheska, 21, those who committed suicide were “...baliw”. A lack of understanding that led to a
thinking that the suicide is an act of wasting one’s own life was the case for Gino, 42 and Raffy,
35. However, after they have experienced losing a loved one from suicide, they developed a
sense of understanding about suicide in general. After what they have experienced, they have
become more understanding of people who may have decided to take their own lives. The
suicide of their loved ones has also made them more sensitive of other people’s feelings and
emotions. For Kat, 18, who has no previous idea of suicide, the suicide of her uncle opened her
mind about the realities of the phenomenon. After her uncle had taken his own life, she realized
that there are things and problems people cannot handle. Since then, she has become more
sensitive of other people’s feelings and more in touch with people around her. She said:
Kasi naexperience ko nga ‘yung may nagsuicide sa family ko, parang naintindihan ko
na merong bagay na hindi talaga natin kayang i- control minsan. So parang imbis na i-
blame nang i- blame natin ‘yung sarili natin or ‘yung mga tao sa paligid natin, parang i-
accept na lang natin tapos parang learn from that experience na hindi mo kayang i-
control ‘yung mga bagay na nasa paligid… siguro we need to be more in touch with
people. Kung ano ‘yung nararamdaman nila. Hindi ‘yung parang inaano mo na lang
sila, parang dini- discard mo na ‘yung emotions nila. Hindi porke’t hindi sila showy or
hindi sila very open book, hindi mo na ita- try na i- reach out kung ano ‘yung mga
thoughts nila.
Other suicide survivors have had direct exposure to suicide cases as part of their jobs.
Daniel, 48, who is a photojournalist, has encountered several cases of suicide through his work.
However, he stated that it is a different thing when it happened to himself. After his sister
committed suicide, he has developed a sense of sensitivity to other people.He has also been
cautious of people who may exhibit signs of depression since the suicide of his younger sibling.
He stated:
Kaso ang ano nga, dahil nangyari na sa iyo, it’s always there, baka mangyari uli. It
lingers just like ‘yung questions na hindi mo alam kung bakit nangyari. So you need to be
a little more weary, pero a little more sensitive doon sa tinitignan- tignan mo na yung
mga kapatid mo, mga pinsan mo. You’re always ready na ano, nakikita mong medyo
malungkot, puntahan mo, ganito, ganyan. Iimbestigahan na. Just to clear things out,
baka saan mapunta. Kasi nangyari na sa’yo, it could happen again.
Mia, 22, who had a suicide attempt and a friend who has committed suicide, exhibited a
much deeper understanding of the phenomenon of suicide. She realized that suicide is a
liberating act for some people, causing them to take their own lives. Because of the severity of
the stressor, suicide becomes the only choice to be free from it. Thus, she fully understands
people who want and who will commit suicide. She stated:
I’ve realized na at this point na hindi pa tanggap ang mental health issue sa lipunan,
there are those who will be liberated from the pain by ending their life. Alam ko pangit
siyang pakinggan kasi it sounds like okay lang sa akin ang suicide, I don’t mean that. It’s
just, of course, mas gusto ko na maisalba yung tao, makatulong na mabuhay pa rin sila.
But, it’s a reality na there are those who will be liberated by their pain by actually
leaving this earth. And there are those people who will still carry on like ako, I don’t say
na liberated na ako from my pain, but I’m able to cope.
As a result of understanding of suicide, the stigma attached to it has also become less.
Before the suicide of their loved ones, there was a tendency for suicide survivors to judge the
victims of suicide. They also thought of suicide as a purely negative phenomenon. As an effect
of their loved ones’ suicide, Angelo, Kat, and Patty became less judging of people and became
open- minded about the phenomenon of suicide. Patty, 32, said:
I don’t judge the pain of others. Hindi kaya naman ‘yan ng ano eh, dati ah, kaya naman
iyan ng takbo, ng exercise. Kasama naman sya ‘di ba? Lifestyle mo, dedication could
help improve your mental state. But then, sometimes, that’s not the case.
Promotion of suicide prevention and mental health awareness
The suicide of their loved ones turned most of the suicide survivors advocates for mental
health. Because suicide survivors do not want the same experiences to happen to them and to
lessen the likelihood of people to commit suicide, they became active in raising awareness about
the phenomenon. For Mia, Patty, and Nicole, they have been active in sharing their experiences
not only with suicide but also with mental health in general to raise awareness of the
phenomenon. According to Nicole, 48, “...it’s an issue it should be universal. You want a lot of
people to talk about it.” In the case of Patty, 32, the main reason why she built a non-
government organization that aims to raise awareness of mental health and suicide was because
of what happened to her friend. Because of her suicide, Patty turned into an advocate of mental
health and suicide awareness, thus building an NGO that helps people who are suffering from
mental health issues, “parang we tell them about what we’re doing to cope with, uh, what
happened. Coming up with an org called Buhay Movement…and then I do this, yeah, the org
[Buhay Movement] to prevent it from happening.”
The suicide of their loved ones also caused the other suicide survivor to make time for
people who are experiencing difficulties, may they be emotional, mental, or physical. Since his
sister committed suicide, Daniel, 48, has make it a point to talk to people who need help. He
stated:
I never thought that someone would come up and say, can we talk about it? Why not?
‘Yung sa akin naman is, tulad niyan, okay lang. I could help. I could help someone who is
going through it or I could help someone that might be thinking about it. Prevent it.
Mahirap na kapag nangyari na.
Raffy, 35, also makes it a point to check on his other students constantly and ask if they have
problems, so that what happened to his son- like student will not happen to the others. He said,
“…’pag nastress sila sa pagaaral nila, actually weekly kinakamusta ko sila kung okay lang sila
na hindi ko nagawa kay Philip.”
Improved interpersonal relationships
Half of the suicide survivors interviewed reported to have improved relationships with
family and friends after the suicide of their loved ones. The strengthening of their relationships
came from the realization that friends or family members may also take their own lives when
they do not reach out to them and from the understanding that people have their problems. After
the suicide of one of his barkadas, Angelo, 20, has since became more open to his other friends,
always asking them about their problems and sharing his. Gino, 42, has become more lenient and
open to his children after his eldest daughter committed suicide. Kat, 18, has become closer to
her immediate family, always making it a point to bond with her siblings and parents. For Raffy,
35, he has become closer and more open to his other students, always asking them about their
problems. Daniel, 48, although not that close with his parents and siblings, became closer and
more communicative to his family after one member has committed suicide. He said:
Sabi ko, kapag may problema kayo, o may problema tayo, pag- usapan natin, sabihan
natin sa kanila or kausapin natin sila or ano. Ayun. That’s it, ganun lang. Ayun, neto nga
naguusap- usap na nga, minsan ipon- ipon, tatawagin, usap tayo may ganitong
problema, may ganito, may ganyan. So we got to communicate a little more, we got a
little closer probably.
Negative emotions towards the victims
Some suicide survivors developed negative emotions towards their loved ones who have
committed suicide. The feeling stems from the suddenness of the event, accepting that their
loved ones are already gone becomes hard, thus developing a negative emotion towards the
victim . Raffy and Peter both said they have a feeling of tampo towards their loved ones. They
were both frustrated at the “selfishness” of their loved ones who have done the act of taking their
own lives. The negative feeling they developed lingered for a long time, in fact for Raffy, 35, he
still thinks of his student as selfish. He stated:
Selfish ka. Napaka- selfish mo. ‘Yung emotion mo lang ang inintindi mo. Paano naman
kami? Yung naramdaman mo lang ang inintindi mo. Di mo man lang kami inintinding
mga taong nagmamahal sayo. Alam naming ‘di kami perfect. Alam kong ‘di rin perfect
ang mother mo. ‘Di rin ako perfect as tatay- tatayan mo pero ginawa namin ang best
namin.’ Yun ang alam namin.
For Kat and Patty, the anger towards their loved ones were immediate effect of the suicide. Patty,
32, was angry at her friend and her anger manifested through questions like “, bakit mo ginawa
iyon?” For Kat, 18, there was a point after the suicide of her uncle when she blamed him because
he left her cousins, his children alone. “Although initially nung bineblame ko rin ‘yung tito ko
na paano niya nagawang iwan itong mga cousins ko ganu’n.”
Negative changes in interpersonal relationships
Another negative effect of the suicide of their loved ones to the suicide survivors was the
weakening of their relationships with heir family and friends. In the case of Kat, 18, the suicide
of her uncle led to a distant relationship with her extended family. The weakening of their bonds
was caused by her cousins moving to another place and that the suicide has brought negative
emotions to their family. She stated:
Siguro medyo naging mas distant na kami noong mga cousins ko siyempre nga lumipat
na sila. Medyo ‘yung family din. Siguro kasi it’s something na hindi mahi- heal kahit
gaano katagal. Parang nandun na iyon, nandun na ‘yung nangyaring nagsuicide ‘yung
tito ko na hindi napigilan. So parang medyo imbis na maging close kaming lahat, medyo
nag- separate nang slight ‘yung family namin.
For Cheska, 21, the suicide of her uncle led to a rift among her mother’s siblings. Because of her
aunts and uncles blame towards each other, the siblings have been divided. She stated, “Oo,
sobra [effect of her uncle’s suicide to their family]. Ano ka ba, hanggang ngayon, hindi good
yung family namin.”
Table 10
Culturally- relative Ways of Coping of Filipinos
Theme Frequency
Relationship- oriented coping 10
Supernatural beliefs rooted in culture 3
People cope in different ways, and differences in culture plays a part. Table 10 shows themes
which might pertain to culturally-relative ways of coping exercised by Filipinos. Based on the
response of the participants, 2 different themes were found namely (1) Relationship- oriented
coping and (2) Supernatural beliefs rooted in culture.
Relationship-oriented coping
A common theme found across all participants was the importance of interpersonal
relationships in helping the participants cope with their experiences. Gino, 42, stated how coping
and moving on “...starts with the family, relatives and yung mga classmates nya dati. It takes a
lot of people talaga para bumangon or itatap ka sa shoulders parang moving on.”
Relationships with family members helped suicide survivors in coping. Some of them
garnered strength from their family members. Peter, 41, shared how he was able to garner
strength from his parents after seeing how strong they were after the death of his sister. He
stated, “Buti nalang yung parents ko ay strong. Kasi sa kanila ako kumuha ng lakas. Kasi kung
ako lang, ewan ko. “
Cheska, 21, stated how important it is to share to people who is also going through what
she is going through. She stated how easy it is for those who are not experiencing the same loss
to simply just say things for the sake of comforting them. She said that “suicide is something you
need to talk to [with] someone to relate to you, since for example, wala ka namang alam sa
suicide, it’s easy for you to say things.” She further stressed this in her interview when she said
that “It would help if yung… if you talk to someone who knows…. Oo…. So yung first, in my
case, it’s the family. Not like just parang, nuclear. Extended din, everyone.”
Relationships with family members were not the only relationships that helped the
suicide survivors cope. Relationships with friends were also a huge factor. Some participants
were able to share that having their friends helped them in coping and moving on. Nicole, 48,
shared how her relationship with her friends served as a distraction from what she was
experiencing. She stated:
Friends. Support group. Sense of humor is very important... Sense of humor is very
important. It’s very important that may support group. They understand mental health.
They understand. It helped that I was not living a pretentious life. Kung ano ko, ‘yun
‘yung alam nila. Of course not for everyone. ‘Di ko naman i- facebook ‘yung sad story. I
have always cued to be a strong person. When I am not strong, I tell people I am not
strong.
Kat, 18, supported this when she shared how her high school barkada helped in distracting her
from her situation, stating“Siyempre going to teenage years na rin ‘yun so madalas na kaming
lumalabas. Hindi ko na talaga nabibigyan ng thought ‘yung mga nangyari na iyon. Parang
nag- serve na distraction yung mga labas naming ng mga kaibigan ko.”
Supernatural beliefs rooted in culture
Based on the data gathered, suicide survivors also mentioned how certain supernatural
beliefs helped them in coping. They shared how the act of talking to their deceased relatives
were able to help them cope. Patty, 32, narrated how she would sometimes talk to her deceased
friend, even if she knows that she would not get any response. She stated:
I’m just, you know, ask her myself why kahit alam kong walang sagot. Or, you know,
kamusta? Ano ba ‘yon, uh, syempre wala namang proof na sasagot pero tinatanong ko
pa rin. Probably psychologists would say that this is my way of coping eh…
Raffy, 35, also shared how he would talk to his deceased student whenever he visited the place
where he was buried, even if this meant going against his religious beliefs. According to Raffy:
Hindi ako Catholic. Sa paniniwala namin, kapag patay na ang isang tao, wala na. Pero
ako, pumupunta ako ng sementeryo, kinakausap ko siya. Parang nga akong ano. Alam ko
sa religion namin na hindi dapat ginagawa yun. Pero ganon ginagawa ko ka pag once
pumunta ako ng sementeryo.
Another supernatural belief is the belief that deceased loved ones show up in forms of
dreams or other ways referred to as pagpaparamdam. Some suicide survivors believe that their
deceased loved ones do this whenever they feel as if they are being forgotten. For
instance,Angelo, 20, narrated how his friend would show up in his dreams whenever he felt like
he was forgetting about him. He stated:
Kaso may time talaaga kunwari nakalimutan ko na, siya mismo, magpaparamdam.
Magpapa…kunware panaginip, gano’n. Totoo ‘yun. Napapanaginipan ko siya. Ahhh,
kahit sabihin mo na matagal na, meron parin konti sakin na ano, na parang sayang
ganyan. ‘Yun.
Patty also stated that sometimes, she would see her friend in her dreams. She stated,
“Nagpapakita minsan sa panaginip ko. Kelan ba? Lately. Anniversary kasi eh. Feb 5, ‘di ba?
Kelan lang. Wala naman siyang sinasabi sakin why. ‘Yun…. nagpakita siya sa’kin eh anong
gagawin ko du’n, ‘di ba?”
Chapter 5
Discussion
The main purpose of the research is to find out the different grieving and coping
experiences of Filipino suicide survivors. In this section, the results analyzed through Thematic
Content Analysis will be discussed further along with the related literature, demographics, and
narratives of the participants.
How Suicide Survivors Grieve with the Loss of Their Loved Ones
The Filipino suicide survivors’ griefs were in the forms physical, emotional, cognitive,
and behavioral manifestations. The grief reactions were caused by the sudden and unexpected
death of their loved ones from suicide. Most of these manifestations of grief may be classified
under acute grief, or, according to Tal Young (2012), is the intense feeling of distressful
emotions.
Physical manifestations of grief
Majority of the suicide survivors exhibited physical manifestations of grief. The most
common of which is crying. Crying, according to Dr. Judith Orloff (2010), is the body’s natural
way of releasing stress and other negative emotions. Crying is always an effect of stressful
events, in this case, it is a natural reaction to the sudden loss of the loved one who committed
suicide. Dr. Orloff also stated that crying is essential for the well- being of individuals, as it
maintains health, so, crying for suicide survivors as a process of grieving is a natural reaction and
an essential to their health.

Another physical manifestation of grief is shivering. According to Peter, 41, he
experienced an uncontrollable chill days after his sister has committed suicide. He said that the
shivering started at night and would not end until the morning of the next day. After waking up,
he felt his body weaken. Peter reported that the shivering he experienced may be a result of the
loneliness he felt after he lost his younger sister through suicide. Although, it may also be a
feeling of fear that he experienced that resulted to the shivering. He said that he could not sleep
alone, so his parents came by and for a long period of time, slept beside them. He stated:
Although sanay na ako matulog magisa. Pero after nu’n, ayoko matulog mag-isa.
Natatakot ako, meron pa nga ako, tuwing 2 o’clock in the morning nagigising ako ‘di ko
alam kung bakit. Pag nagigising ako ng madaling araw ibig sabihin 2 o’clock ‘yan. ‘Pag
titingnan ko ‘yung relo, 2 o’clock ‘yan. Tapos ‘yung takot akong, nanginginig ako kapag
dating na ng gabi. Pagdating ng 4 o’clock, nawawala lang nginig ako around 10 o’clock
na. ‘Yung as in nagchichill ako, nanghihina ako.
The feeling of unable to sleep and shivering is an indicative of fear, in his case, the fear of being
alone. This is further supported by his statement: “‘Yun na yung ayoko na. Ayoko nang magisa.
Yun. Yun ang nagbago sa akin. Ayoko nang magisa. Ayoko nang tahimik.”
These physical manifestations of grief suicide survivors have experienced may be the
result of acute grief, which was defined as the intense feeling of emotions (Tal Young, 2012).
The intense emotions the suicide survivors felt after the suicide occurred led to an emotional
release, which in this case, in physical form.
Affective manifestations of grief
Affective manifestations of grief are the emotions brought about by the suicide of the
suicide survivors’ loved ones. Fear, anger, and shock were frequently exhibited by the suicide
survivors as part of their grieving process. These resulting emotions are in accordance with the
definition of acute grief, that individuals with loved ones who died experience emotions such as
anger, shock, numbness, and denial (Tal Young, 2012). It is important to note that these
emotions of suicide survivors brought about by grief are emotions towards the event of suicide
itself, not towards their loved ones who committed suicide. As stated above, Peter, 41,
experienced shivering as a result of his fear of being alone, which was an emotional effect that
was caused by his sister’s suicide. Daniel 41, felt angry towards the event of suicide after his
younger sister died from suicide. Although not explicitly stated, the anger towards the incident
may stem from the thought that the suicide has taken the life of his sister who was dear to him.
Another common response of suicide survivors to the suicide of a loved one is shock. This
emotional shock is similar to the concept of psychological trauma, which Giller (1999) state
happens when “the individual’s ability to integrate his/her emotional experience is
overwhelmed”. For the suicide survivors, the suicides of their loved ones were an overwhelming
experience, thus resulting to emotional shock.
Interesting enough to note is the experience of grief by Mia. She reported feeling an
overwhelming coldness after she lost a close friend from suicide. According to her, the coldness
she felt was not a physical one, but an internal feeling. She said that it was as if the warmth of
her close friend left her body. She stated:
Noong nalaman ko ‘yun, nanlamig ako…hindi siya ‘yung malamig na nanginginig ako,
parang it’s internal. Malamig siya sa pakiramdam. Malamig siya, pero it’s the kind of
cold that you can’t shake away by shivering. Malamig siya dahil may nawala, you lost
the warmth of the person close to you kaya siya malamig.

In this case, the cold feeling she experienced was not a psychosomatic condition. It was a
feeling, not a physical experience of coldness. The experience of coldness she felt was not also a
psychological effect, but an emotional one.
Cognitive manifestations of grief
Cognitive manifestations of grief are thought processes in reaction to the suicide of loved
ones. Denial and disbelief are the main grief reactions categorized under cognitive
manifestations of grief. The two are different, disbelief refers to not being able to believe the
event that took place, while denial is a defense mechanism wherein problems are denied by the
refusal to recognize that the event really happened. Disbelief for the suicide survivors was an
effect of not being able to fathom the idea that the people they loved and lived with for a long
period of time have taken their own life. Daniel, 48, stated that after his sister died, he continued
to look for his sister, forgetting she has already departed. What Daniel has experience was a sign
of yearning for his deceased sister. While for some suicide survivors, denial was their way of
grieving with what happened to their loved one. Raffy, 35, was in a state of denial after his
student who treated like a son has committed suicide. According to him, he refused to accept that
his student has already gone, because accepting it hurt. As a result, he refused to think much
about what happened, as it would hurt him more. The disbelief and denial experienced by suicide
survivors can be classified as complicated grief. Zhang, El Jawahri, and Prigerson (2006) defined
complicated grief as the inability to accept the death of an individual and yearning for the
deceased. The denial is said to be usual for most people who have experienced a death of loved
ones (Clark, 2011).
Behavioral manifestations of grief

Some suicide survivors have responded to the suicide of their loved ones by producing
behaviors such as utterance of curse words and behaviors caused by hysteria or uncontrollable
emotions. Utterance of curse words is noted to stem from the overwhelming emotions felt by the
suicide survivors after their loved ones have taken their own lives, as stated by Daniel, “All you
have to do is cuss, magmura, magalit. Pero kanino ka magagalit?” In the case of Nicole, 48, her
being hysterical upon knowing what happened to her father was be caused by a confirmation of a
gut feeling that she hoped was not true. In her case, her gut feeling was that her father was dead,
and when it was confirmed, it led her to be hysterical. She stated, “So I asked him, ‘Is my father
dead?’... So imagine mo ‘yun tanungin mong, ‘Is my father dead?’ Tapos sasabihin sa’yo yes... I
said it was just three seconds sa, parang hindi ko alam na. Nag- hysterical ako. hysterical.”
It is important to note that although these manifestations of grief may possibly have
reciprocal relationships with each other, they mainly stem from the emotions brought about by
the suicide of their loved ones.
Ones
After the suicide of their loved ones, suicide survivors experienced challenges resulting
from the suddenness and gravity of the event. These challenges include (1) experiencing survivor
guilt, (2) needing cognitive closure, (3) dealing with the negative effects among other suicide
survivors, (4) dealing with stigma consciousness, (5) reexperiencing the traumatic event, and (6)
dealing with the recurring memories of the loved ones who committed suicide.
Guilt
When their loved ones died from suicide, most suicide survivors experienced guilt over
what happened. The guilt becomes a challenge when the guilt becomes overwhelming and it
hinders suicide survivors from accepting what has happened. The guilt the survivors experienced
was a result of not being able to know that their loved ones were experiencing difficulties. The
guilt also came from the thought that suicide survivors could have extended their helping hand to
their pained loved ones to prevent the suicide from happening. This finding that suicide survivors
experience guilt is consistent with the findings of other studies about suicide survivors and their
coping (Clark, 2001). Blaming oneself may also result from the guilt experienced by the suicide
survivors. This may be as a result of questioning oneself brought about by the guilt, then blaming
starts to happen. This is supported by Nicole’s and Daniel’s statements. Nicole stated,“So it was
very difficult. It was the guilt, ‘Did I cause his death?’ That’s one of the questions that kept on
nagging me for years.” Daniel also wondered if he caused the death of his sister, stating:
‘Yung frustration mo, ‘yung galit mo, ‘yung whatever. And, baka ako. Ayun na. Hindi
naman siguro. Baka ‘yung nanay ko, brother, mga kapatid, pero hindi eh. Pero you go
through that. “Anong nangyari, baka may nagawa ako?” ‘yun, those questions.
Need for cognitive closure
Most suicide survivors seek cognitive closure for the suicide of their loved ones. The fact
that suicide survivors do not know exactly why their loved ones have committed suicide makes
them wonder about the event. Asking questions was observed in suicide survivors. The questions
they frequently asked were a result of the event happening without them anticipating it, and that
they were not prepared to face the situation. Typical questions include asking the reason why the
act was committed, the what ifs, and if the suicide survivors contributed to the suicide of their
loved ones. This questioning of the event may lead to the survivor guilt stated above; without
knowing the reason of their loved one’s death, suicide survivors start to ask themselves if they
were the reason behind the suicide and seek answers on their own. According to Clark (2001),
asking questions about the suicide that happened is observed among many suicide survivors. The
act of asking questions results from the confusion brought about by the sudden event.
Most of the suicide survivors seek the closure they need by asking questions that cannot
be answered. Such is not the case for Nicole. She stated that closure comes from within, not by
the answers that will not surface.
It seems that for some suicide survivors, cognitive closure is needed to accept the suicide
that took place. This is challenging for them because without the answers to their questions, they
will continue to seek for the reasons why the suicide has taken place.
Dealing with the negative effects of suicide among other suicide survivors
Another challenge suicide survivors have to face is dealing with other suicide survivors
who were affected negatively by the suicide. Individuals have different coping strategies, not all
employ positive coping styles. For some, the negative effects brought by the suicide to a family
member or a friend of the loved one who committed the suicide result to suicide survivors being
extra cautious over them. It is a challenge for them because they need to ensure that the other
suicide survivors will not do anything that is harmful to themselves, like with Patty’s case. She
always looks over her other friend who still does not accept the suicide of their friend. Although
a challenge, dealing with the negative effects of suicide among other suicide survivors may also
result into a more positive relationship among suicide survivors. She stated:
‘Yung isa kong friend, how she coped was…she doesn’t really matter. She doesn’t even
want to mention her name. Ta’s galit siya… Parang ang hirap lang. Kasi ako, I’m trying
my best to still be a friend even if she’s not around. Siya, I know she still wants to be a
friend it’s just that she has that guilt. Every now and then, she would tell me I’m not her
friend, kasi nga ang hirap patawarin ng sarili kapag wala na ‘yung tao.
Daniel, 48, got closer to his parents when the suicide of their daughter affected them negatively.
He had to take care of his parents, thus forming a closer relationship with them.
Stigma consciousness
The stigma attached to suicide made it harder for suicide survivors to cope effectively
with what had happened. In the Philippines, suicide is considered as a taboo (Braun & Nichols,
1997). Suicide is seen negatively in the country, thus most individuals’ tendency is to stay silent
about the phenomenon. For Daniel, 48, it is embarrassing to talk about the suicide of her sister.
He said, “Suicide is not something we usually talk about, one thing is nakakahiya, ‘di ba?
Kapatid mo yung [nagsuicide].” However, for suicide survivors, staying silent about the
suicide of their loved ones hinders in their coping. For some, being able to talk about it aids in
the acceptance of what happened. Because there is a stigma attached to the phenomenon, suicide
survivors cannot talk about the suicide of their loved ones. The same result was also seen in a
study of suicide survivors in Norway by Grad, Clark, Dyregrov, and Andriessen (2014). It was
seen in their study that suicide survivors from Norway have a hard time opening up about their
experiences about suicide because of the stigma attached to it. The stigma attached to suicide
may be stemmed from the lack of understanding about the phenomenon and the underlying belief
that it is a sin to take one’s own life as stated by Braun and Nichols (1997).
Reexperiencing the traumatic event
Some suicide survivors reexperience the suicide of their loved ones through flashbacks
similar to the symptoms of Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The reexperiencing of the
events related to suicide leads to recurrence of negative emotions immediately after the suicide
happened. This poses as a challenge to suicide survivors as it impedes them from moving on
fully from dreadful event. The reexperiencing of the traumatic event is also voluntary according
to suicide survivors. Sometimes, memories of the event comes back even if they do not think of
it. This is supported by what Angelo, 20, has stated, “Parang… unhappy kasi eh. Parang may
point talaga na bigla na lang papasok sa isip mo kaya kunwari nagpapahinga ka na lang,
ganyan. Maiisip mo. Talagang, bigla ka nalang malulungkot. Tatahimik ka nalang.”
Gino, 42, also stated that he remembers what happened to his daughter whenever there
are occasions that remind him of her. He stated, “so halimbawa pag may mga times na mga
moments, special occasions, du’n ulit umaatake ‘yung sabihin na nating bumabalik yung
alaala.” This may also be a similar symptoms comprising PTSD, that some events or things
become triggers for people to remember memories which are accompanied by negative
emotions.
Recurring memories of the loved ones who committed suicide
Similar to reexperiencing the traumatic event, suicide survivors also experience recurring
memories of their loved ones who committed suicide. The difference between this theme and the
theme aforementioned is that the former deals with the memories of the loved ones when they
were still alive, while the latter deals the memories associated with the suicide of the loved ones.
There are times when the memories of the loved ones come back, and those leave a feeling of
longing for the deceased. The longingness makes it hard for the suicide survivors to move on,
thus, posing as a challenge to them. This is shown in Peter’s statement:
Two years sya pero everyday naalala ko pa rin. Ang hirap. Ang hirap. Kasi for three
consecutive years kaming magkasama sa bahay… Tapos namimiss ko ‘yung tinatawag
ko siya, kasi mahilig akong magtawag sa kanya. Irish gano’n. Tapos ‘yung paghihingi
niya ng pera.
How Suicide Survivors Cope with Their Experience
Based on the results acquired by the researchers, there were 7 ways suicide survivors
coped with their experiences. This includes (1) accepting the suicide, (2) religiosity, (3)
reminiscing good memories with the suicide victim, (4) sublimation, (5) seeking professional
help, (6) cognitive reframing, and (7) avoidance.
Acceptance of the suicide
This was seen as one of the most common coping strategies used by the suicide survivors.
To move on, they believed that accepting the fact that they have lost a loved one through suicide
and that there is nothing they could do about it helped them cope with their loss. Accepting the
suicide is the first step to healing, according to the suicide survivors. Without it, one cannot
move on. Mia, 22, stated, “So yung acceptance, kasi before you heal, you need to accept that
you’re going through this grief, this struggle.” Acceptance is also a gradual process, it may take
long but it is essential to an individual to cope better. This supports the study done by Carver,
Scheier, & Weintraub (1989) wherein they included acceptance as one of the 13 coping
strategies employed by bereaved individuals. This stage of acceptance and healing was referred
to as Integrated Grief. (Tal Young, 2012) According to the same text, individuals who have
experienced loss that successfully overcame integrated grief learned to carry on with their lives.
Based on observations, suicide survivors who participated in this study have shown that they
were able to undergo integrated grief instead of complicated grief that was defined as prolonged
acute grief.
Religiosity
Tied for the most common coping strategy used by suicide survivors is Religiosity, a
coping strategy also mentioned by Carver, Scheier, and Weintraub (1989). To cope with their
loss, suicide survivors turned to religion because it provided them with comfort. Results have
also shown that turning to religion has given suicide survivors the strength to carry on. This
strength was believed to be garnered from God. Suicide survivors believed that God had a plan,
and that it is only He who could control things that are out of hand for mere mortals.
Praying was seen as one of the most common ways suicide survivors turned to religion.
Other religious practices include visiting burial sites and including names and intentions in
prayer envelopes found in churches. The participation of suicide survivors in religious practices
were observed to be caused by positive reinforcement. When participating in these religious
practices such as praying, suicide survivors felt a sense of comfort and relief. As a result, suicide
survivors clung to these religious practices whenever they needed to feel comforted and relieved.
Hoelterhoff and Chung (2013) explained that grieving individuals cling to religion because they
find meaning behind their loss, and they tend to manage fear once they surrender themselves to a
higher being.
It is also not surprising that most Filipino suicide survivors turn to religion to cope with
the loss of their loved ones considering majority of the Filipino people deeply value religion.
According to the suicide survivors, praying and confiding to God give them comfort and clarity
of mind. However, different religions are existent in the country, thus, Filipino people also have
different beliefs based on their respective religions. Raffy, 35, whose religion is Iglesia Ni Cristo,
expressed how difficult it is to cope with the loss of his very close student. In their religion,
people who have taken their own lives will not go to heaven nor to hell. In a sense, the belief
based on his religion puts him in a dilemma that he and his student will not meet each other
anymore in the afterlife. The thought of it is not in anyway comforting for him.
Reminiscing good memories with the suicide victim

Suicide survivors exemplified how reminiscing good memories and remembering their
deceased loved ones in a positive light has helped them in coping with their loss. They used this
coping strategy to push out the negative thoughts and images they had when they were reminded
of the suicide. This served as a way for suicide survivors to remember their deceased loved ones
as who they really were as a person and not simply as someone who committed suicide. Nicole
narrated how easily her father’s image was tarnished after he committed suicide. She shared how
angry she was when her father was no longer remembered as the kind, loving, intelligent man
that he is. He was instead remembered as the entrepreneur with a failing business who committed
suicide. Reminiscing good memories was used by the suicide survivors to somehow alleviate the
negative memories and emotions connected with their experience.
Sublimation
Grieving takes up an in individual’s time and energy. Suicide survivors turned to
sublimation to channel their time and energy to tasks that contributed to the betterment of their
well-being. For some suicide survivors, sublimation resulted to a greater focus on work or
academics. This form of sublimation may have been done to divert their attention somewhere
else instead of focusing on their loss. As these suicide survivors focused on their professional or
academic work, they had less time to dwell on their experiences and negative emotions.
Another form of sublimation was using their time and energy for the production of
various forms of creative expression such as paintings and literature. In contrast to the first form
of sublimation exemplified, this form of sublimation may have been done by suicide survivors as
an outlet of emotions brought about by their experience. To cope, they used what they were
feeling as an inspiration for the work they produced. Inei (2010) supported this when she stated
how art may be used as an expression of one’s self. In the same article, she has shared different
artists who used their art forms as a way of communicating what they feel, and coming to terms
with what they were feeling. For instance, she stated how artist Janet Goodchild-Cuffley used
her paintings as an expression of her emotions towards the suicide of her daughter. Her painting
entitled “Absence” showed a woman with a heart-shaped hole in her chest staring at a landscape
of a setting sun. This may have been an expression of feeling empty and incomplete after losing
her daughter. Suicide survivors who turn to art as a diversion have been observed to project what
they were feeling in the art forms they have produced.
Seeking professional help
A few suicide survivors have stated that they seeked professional help in order to cope
with their loss. Compared to other coping strategies, seeking for professional help was not
commonly done by suicide survivors. This may be attributed to the stigma attached to seeking
for professional psychological help in the Philippines. Culturally, Filipinos are not inclined to
seek professional psychological help because those who do are often labelled as someone who is
mentally ill.
Suicide survivors who stated that they seeked professional help stated that they did so
because they needed someone to talk to, and they needed an outlet of their emotions. Talking
with mental health professionals may have also helped the suicide survivors in acknowledging
what they are feeling. This was supported by Carver, Scheier, & Weintraub (1989) when they
stated that focusing on and venting emotions were one of the coping strategies employed by
individuals going through loss. Even if they had a social support group such as their family and
friends, they may have shared what they were feeling to psychologists and counselors because
they felt as if they would be free from judgements.
Cognitive Reframing
As hard as it may be, facing their experience with an optimistic view was done by some
suicide survivors in order to cope. This may have been done by suicide survivors to alleviate
negative emotions such as pain and anger. For instance, believing that the loved one they have
lost through suicide is happy with the decision they have made may have resulted to peace of
mind. Such is the case for Kat, 18, who stated:
Na- alleviate siya parang day by day, iniisip ko na lang na nasa good place siya.
So, parang think of good things during that time instead of parang staying on that
thought na nangyari nga ito. Instead of beating yourself for it, for something na hindi mo
naman kayang baguhin, na hindi mo naman kasalanan, you need to move on sa life kasi
mas marami pang mao- offer yung life
Suicide survivors may have lessened or eliminated their anger towards their loved ones, and
instead, accepted that the suicide was the choice that made their loved ones happy. This was
supported by Stroebe (2010) when she stated that adapting a positive mindset when dealing with
bereavement is one of the most common coping styles employed by the bereaved.
Avoidance
Suicide is a phenomenon that leaves an impact on the lives of people, irregardless if they
experienced it first hand or not. Avoidance is a coping strategy employed by suicide survivors in
an attempt to forget about such a traumatic experience. This coping strategy is similar to Carver,
Scheier, and Weintraub’s (1989) avoidance coping strategy, where the individual chooses to
ignore the stressful situation and the consequences it brings. Some suicide survivors have shared
how they steered clear from everything that reminded them of their loss. This act of avoidance
was observed to be a form of forgetting about the act. As with any death, being in places related
to the suicide or seeing things that belonged to their deceased loved ones caused negative
feelings to resurface.
Avoidance may also be done by suicide survivors as a form of letting go. For instance,
families that move houses after experiencing a suicide in their own home do so as a ritual of
letting go. Family members may also dispose of their loved ones’ personal possessions in an
attempt to move forth with their lives.
Factors That Aid in Coping Positively of the Suicide Survivors with A Loss of A Loved One
Two factors were seen as having an impact on the way suicide survivors grieve and cope
with the loss of their loved ones from suicide. These factors include (1) personality factors and
(2) suicide survivors’ knowledge about suicide.
Personality factors
Personality traits of people differ from each other. For some suicide survivors, there are
some whose personality traits helped in their coping from the loss of their loved ones from
suicide. It was observed that the suicide survivors who have a head- on personality are more
likely to cope faster with the loss of their loved ones from suicide. Daniel, who according to
himself has a strong personality, accepted the suicide of his sister faster than the other members
of his family. For Cheska, being calm, being able to calm herself down, and being able to focus
her thoughts to positive ones were helpful for her coping from her loss. A mature personality was
also seen in Kat, 18. According to her, her mature way of thinking and handling situations helped
her cope with the death of her uncle.
It was observed that under these personality factors, age does not matter very much.
Putting into example is Kat. She lost her uncle from suicide at the age of eleven. Despite her
young age, she was able to cope properly and efficiently because of her mature way of looking at
things and handling them and the guidance of her parents. For Raffy, who is thirty- five years
old, had a difficult time accepting and moving on from the suicide of his close student. Looking
at the experiences of these two Filipino suicide survivors, age does not say a lot about how they
look at things and tackle matters, their level of maturity and thoughts about suicide do. It might
imply that maturity is a factor that better affects coping strategies. It may also mean that maturity
does not necessarily come with age, but with experience and proper guidance from other people.
Personality factors can also result to cognitive reframing. Cheska noted that to help her
move on from the suicide of her uncle, she calmed herself and thought of positive things. Her
optimism was a personality factor that enabled her to cope with her loss better.
Knowledge about suicide
The knowledge about the phenomenon of suicide has also become a protective factor to
some suicide survivors. Knowing about it, knowing what suicide’s consequences are, and
knowing how it felt to be in the place of the victim contributed to helping suicide survivors cope
with their loss. With the help of her mother, Kat was able to cope more effectively with the
suicide of her uncle. Her mother explained what happened to her uncle clearly and in a
straightforward manner which made her understand the situation she was in better. Her
personality traits alone were not the sole factor that helped her cope, it was also the knowledge
she had of suicide. She also stated that during her days in high school, she had instances when
she thought of committing suicide. However, she was hindered from doing so by the thought of
her uncle’s suicide. She thought of the consequences it brought, so she did not continue on
attempting it. In this case, her knowledge and experience of suicide became a protective factor.
What happened to Kat is similar to the finding by Brent et. al (1996) that the suicide of their
close friends serves as a protective factor for future suicides among adolescents. In Kat’s case, it
is her close uncle’s suicide that served as a protective factor for her.
With Nicole’s case, her previous experiences with suicide helped her cope with the
suicide of her father. Being exposed to suicide at a young age, she became knowledgeable about
suicide, thus, when her father committed the act, she knew how to cope with it. Although it was
hard on her because it was her father who committed suicide, the knowledge she had about
suicide lessened the difficulty of the challenges it brought. In addition, according to Andriessen,
Draper, Dudley, and Mitchell (2015), children who have a close relationship with a parent who
died of suicide are more likely to experience more difficulty in coping than those whose child-
parent relationship is not tight. In the case of Nicole, it was difficult for her for a time, but she
was able to cope with the loss of her father through the knowledge of suicide she had and the
support of her immediate family.
Lastly, a previous suicide attempt helps in coping with a loved one’s suicide. By going
through the same experiences, suicide survivors who attempted suicide know the reasons why
suicide victims would commit the act and feel the way the victims feel. It is empathy that makes
it less hard for suicide survivors who attempted suicide to cope with the loss of their loved ones
from suicide, which is the case of Mia.
Effects of the Suicide among the Suicide Survivors
A traumatic experience such as the loss of a loved one through suicide brings about
numerous effects. Based on the results of this research, suicide survivors have observed 6
different ways their experiences affected them. These include (1) a greater understanding of
suicide, (2) behaviors brought about by the understanding of suicide and lessening of stigma
consciousness, (3) positive changes in interpersonal relationships, (4) frustration at the suicide
victim, (5) lessening of stigma consciousness, and (6) negative changes in interpersonal
relationships.
Greater understanding of suicide
Based on the results of this study, suicide survivors showed a greater understanding of
the phenomenon of suicide after their experiences. Before becoming a suicide survivor, some
participants of the study referred to individuals who committed suicide as people who are weak
or even crazy. As for others, their lack of understanding of the phenomenon have lead to their
negative perceptions on suicide. This lack of understanding and judgement exemplified by the
participants may be a result of their religious beliefs, as well as the social implications of the
suicide phenomenon. The negative perception of the participants on suicide may have been
brought about by the beliefs of the general public. As stated by Braun and Nichols (1997),
Filipinos generally agreed that suicide was unacceptable. This may be due to the fact that the
Philippines was, and still is, a predominantly Christian country.
The greater understanding of suicide brought about by the traumatic experience may have
been because of the personal relationship they had with the suicide victim. After they have
experienced losing someone through suicide, some suicide survivors have stated that they
learned to understand that there are problems people could not handle. They also understood that
the act of suicide may have been the only option their loved one had. They started to understand
that suicide may have felt liberating for the victim. As a result, this wider perspective has helped
the participants lessen or even eradicate their past negative notions on suicide and stigma
consciousness.
Promotion of suicide and mental health awareness and prevention

For some suicide survivors, their traumatic experiences turned them into mental health
advocates. Because they know the realities of the phenomenon, the suicide survivors were fueled
to help raise awareness for mental health issues, and how it could result to self-harm.They aimed
to help people with suicidal tendencies cope with their different problems in life, and make other
people be more sensitive to the people around them. This desire to become advocates for mental
health may possibly be due to the fear that other people may also end up committing suicide.
Experiencing loss through suicide also made the participants more sensitive to other
people’s feelings. After they have experienced it, they became keener to signs of depression that
they may possibly observe from other people.
Improved interpersonal relationships
As a result of the suicide, suicide survivors experienced positive changes in their
relationships with family members, friends, and colleagues. The same results were acquired in a
study by Moore, Cerel, and Jobes (2015) where they found that the suicide of a loved one
resulted to strengthened relationships. For some suicide survivors, their experience made them
closer with the people around them. The change in their closeness with the people around them
may have been due to the fact that they share the same relationship with the deceased. In a study
conducted by Begley and Qualey (2007), they found that family ties of suicide survivors became
tighter after experiencing loss. Based on this study, siblings have shown improved ties after
experiencing the loss of a loved one. Family members may have been closer after the suicide
because they were both going through the same loss.
The suicide also made them more careful with their words, for the fear that these words
might hurt someone too bad that it could trigger suicidal thoughts and tendencies. The suicide
also made the participants more willing to listen to people who come to there with more
problems. They became more eager to help. It also made them more sensitive to the well-being
of their loved ones. After their experiences, the suicide survivors checked in with their loved
ones more frequently, compared to how often they did prior to their experience. Begley and
Qualey (2007) acquired similar results in their study stated above. They found that suicide
survivors tend to be more inclined to help those they deem vulnerable. This may once again be
due to their fear that a suicide would happen again. Because they have felt that they were not
able to do anything to prevent the suicide of their loved ones, they may feel as if they could do
something to prevent the suicide of another person.
Negative emotions towards the victims
Suicide suicide survivors reportedly felt frustrated and angry with suicide victims after
their experience. The feeling may have possibly stemmed from the suddenness of the event.
Accepting that their loved ones are already gone became hard, thus it developed into a negative
emotion towards the victim. According to Tal Young and her colleagues, this anger and
frustration may be caused by the perceived abandonment or betrayal. Participants of this study
possibly felt a sense of frustration because they have felt as if their loved ones left them to face
life alone. Another possible cause for frustration is the feeling that their loved ones were selfish
for taking their own lives, because they did not even consider the feelings of those that they have
left behind. Lastly, the negative emotions may also come from the suicide survivors’ lack of
understanding of the phenomenon of suicide and why people commit the act.
Negative changes in interpersonal relationships
Contrary to a theme discussed earlier, some suicide survivors have reportedly
experienced negative changes in their relationships with family members and friends. These
negative changes and rifts may have been brought about by the anger displaced onto other
members of the social group. For instance, family members may result to blaming each other for
the suicide of their loved one. They may blame each other for not looking after their loved one,
hence, the suicide. Old fights and disagreements may also be used by suicide survivors to blame
other members of the same social circle. They may have blamed other people by saying how
their hurtful words or actions might have triggered the suicide.
These negative changes do not necessarily point to fights. For some suicide survivors, this
negative change simply refers to the lack of communication between people of the same social
group. This infrequent communication may have been a result of differing coping styles. For
instance, Kat mentioned how she became distant with her extended family because her cousins
moved to another place. The family of her cousins may have used avoidance as a coping
mechanism which has then lead to loose ties.
Culturally- relative Ways of Coping of Filipinos
Based on this research, there were two themes that may exemplify how Filipinos cope
differently from other cultures. These themes include (1) relationship-oriented coping, and (2)
supernatural beliefs rooted in culture. These themes were not necessarily unique to the Filipinos
alone, but rather, they have shown the different coping strategies preferred by Filipino suicide
survivors. Despite the fact that these themes were also observable in other cultures, Filipinos
were believed to exemplify these themes in a different way.
Relationship-oriented coping
Individuals coping with a loss may cling to interpersonal relationships in order to cope.
However, the researchers believe that the uniqueness of Filipino relationship-oriented coping lies
in the extent of the relationships that help the suicide survivors cope, as well as how much this
coping strategy was preferred. In a study with predominantly western participants conducted by
Honeycutt and Praetorius (2015), most suicide survivors cope through the help of behavioral
therapy and professional support groups. Similarly, a study by Andriessen (2009) has shown that
suicide survivors have expressed an urge to seek for professional help. In the Philippine context,
it may be possible that suicide survivors do not consider seeking for professional help or joining
support groups as a coping preference because of the fear of the stigma attached to suicide and
mental health professionals.
All participants of this study have expressed their dependence on interpersonal
relationships when it comes to coping. This may be due to the collectivist nature of the Filipino
culture. Participants have shown that interpersonal relationships do not only help them cope by
lending an ear, but they were also believed to be a distraction from their sadness and a source of
strength. Tarroja (2010) stated in her article that different factors such as proximity, emotional
connection, communication, and intimacy affect what a Filipino would consider a part of the
family. In support, Go (1993) has also stated that in the Philippine culture, a family does not
solely refer to the nuclear family. She stated that a Filipino family includes extended family
members such as aunts and uncles, as well as non-blood related family members such as peer
groups. Lajom and her colleagues (2009) defined Filipino peer groups called barkadas as a
group of people who has bonded over time, with common shared experiences.
In the same study, the concept of damay was observed to be prevalent among members of
the barkada. It was defined as the act of being there for each other whenever it was deemed
necessary. Similarly, Torres (1985) stated that damay was the act of helping each other during
times of distress. In her article, she stated how the concept of damay exemplified the belief of
reciprocal obligation present in the Filipino culture. The concept of damay may be the cause of
the suicide survivors’ high dependency on their interpersonal relationships. Due to the fact that
they were in distress, they may have turned to these relationships to find support or pakikiramay
from their families.
There was also no observed difference between how the family members and how the
friends of the suicide victims coped with the loss of their loved ones. Although they had different
types of relationships, there was nothing exclusive that suicide survivors who are family
members or survivors who are friends have done to grieve and cope with the suicide. The
magnitude of the relationship between the suicide survivors and the suicide victims and their
personal preference were better indicators of what coping strategies suicide survivors used to
overcome the grief they experienced.
Supernatural beliefs rooted in culture
Supernatural beliefs referred to how the participants consciously imagined talking to their
deceased loved ones as a way of coping. This also included how Filipino suicide survivors
believed that their loved ones appeared to them or pagpaparamdam through dreams. This may
be explained by the findings of a study conducted by Shimabukuro, Daniels, & D’Andrea (1999)
wherein they stated that the Filipinos believed in 3 possible afterlife scenarios— (1) the
deceased’s soul will continue to roam around the earth to watch over their loved ones, (2) the
soul would directly ascend to heaven or purgatory, and (3) the deceased would have two souls;
one that ascended to heaven and one that continued to roam the earth. When the participants
spoke to their deceased loved ones, they believed as if they were actually being heard. This may
be because they believe that the soul of their loved one is near them or watching over them.
The appearance of a deceased loved one in the dreams of those they have left behind was
an existing grief experience. As Barrett (1992) stated in his study that focused on the appearance
of deceased loved ones in the dreams of their survivors, these dreams were categorized into 4
namely back-to-life dreams or dreams that revolve around the death of their loved one, advice
dreams or dreams wherein the deceased gives advices to their survivor, leave taking dreams or
dreams that were focused on closure on unsaid goodbyes, and state-of-death dreams or dreams
that focused on asking their deceased loved ones about how it is to be dead. Despite the fact that
these dream experiences were not unique to the Filipinos, a possible difference would be the way
these dreams were interpreted. When experiencing dreams like such, participants felt as if their
loved ones were nagpaparamdam which could be defined as an effort exerted to remind the
survivors of the deceased’s presence.
Factors That Affect Stigma Consciousness of Filipino Suicide Survivors
It was also observed in the research that stigma consciousness is still prevalent in the
Philippines. Based on the interviews, most Filipino suicide survivors who participated in the
study stated that before they experienced losing a loved one from suicide, their perception and
attitude about suicide were mostly negative. It was not after they have experienced losing a loved
one from suicide that they gained an understanding towards the phenomenon. However, even
though a greater understanding about suicide has been observed, Filipino suicide survivors are
still not free from the stigma consciousness. Although they already have an open mind about
suicide, they still go through the stigma they receive from other people. Thus, leading them to a
stigma consciousness.
Table 11
Filipino Psychology Concepts That Affect Filipino Suicide Survivors’ Stigma Consciousness
Filipino Psychology Definition

concept
Kapwa Shared self; the unity of self and other people

Hiya Concept of shyness based on the concept of the shared self
Damay Act of being there with each other whenever it was deemed
necessary
Table 2 presents the Filipino Psychology concepts that might be factors to Filipino
suicide survivors’ stigma consciousness. It was found out that the stigma about suicide is still
prevalent in the Philippines despite the efforts to lessen it. The stigma attached to suicide may be
rooted in the religious beliefs of majority of the Filipinos. However, it cannot be said that the
stigma attached to suicide is solely based on religion alone. Because of the prevalence of the
stigma attached to suicide in the country, suicide survivors’ stigma consciousness increases.
Filipino Psychology concepts like kapwa, hiya, and damay can explain why Filipino suicide
survivors in the study felt conscious about how other people think of them as an effect of the
existing stigma about suicide in the country.
The basis of the Filipino relationship is the kapwa, or the shared self. Reyes (2015)
explained the concept of kapwa that was introduced by Dr. Virgilio Enriquez, that it does not
only comprise of the individual self, but also the people around the individual. It is a concept of
togetherness of an individual with the people around them. Putting it simply, kapwa is a unifying
agent of oneself and the people surrounding the individual. In effect, the unity leads to a sense of
connectedness of the individual and the surrounding people. Contrary to the individualist
cultures, Filipinos value other people and the relationships they have with them because of the
concept of kapwa.
Kapwa acts as the core of the Filipino Psychology and from it stems other concepts like
hiya and damay. Hiya can be defined as the concept of shyness and timidity. However, the
concept of hiya does not solely translate into shyness and timidity, hiya can also be considered
an act of empathy and embarrassment. For Filipinos, having hiya is an indication of good manner
and empathy. Hiya is a form of gauging the emotions of other people and behaving based on how
other people feel and act. Filipinos may also feel hiya when they did something wrong. This is
similar to another explanation of the concept. According to Dagmang (1996), hiya is also an act
of propriety or behaving accordingly to the societal standards. If the societal standards are not
achieved, it can be considered kawalang-hiyaan by the other people. In the case of the Filipino
suicide survivors, hiya is felt towards the suicide that has taken place to their loved ones. The
feeling of hiya is rooted in the standard that is existent in the Philippine society that suicide is an
unacceptable act. Because of the notion about the phenomenon of suicide in the country, other
people’s reaction towards the suicide victim may be judgemental and negative in nature. The
tendency of the suicide survivors is to feel hiya because the suicide, which is a taboo in the
country, has been committed by their loved ones. This also presents the concept of kapwa, that
although the suicide victims are not the ones who committed the act of suicide, they still feel for
their loved ones because they have a feeling of togetherness with them. As a result of the hiya,
they feel conscious about other people as they may also judge them because of the stigma others
have with the suicide of the Filipino suicide survivors’ loved ones. Another concept that may
help explain the shared stigma is the concept of damay. As defined by Torres (1985), damay is
present when an individual needs another one’s presence. Damay also exemplifies the reciprocal
obligation present in the culture of the Filipino. This concept is also rooted in kapwa as the sense
of reciprocal obligation may stem from the shared self Filipinos possess. In connection to the
stigma consciousness experienced by the Filipino suicide survivors, damay is felt between the
suicide survivor and the suicide victim. Because of the close interpersonal relationship a suicide
survivor has with a suicide victim, the sense of damay is exemplified. Whatever judgement and
negative emotion are directed to the victim, the suicide survivors also feel them because they
have a reciprocal obligation with each other, or they have pakikiramay with each other.
Chapter 6
Conclusions and Recommendations
The result of the research showed that Filipino suicide survivors exhibit different ways of
grieving and dealing with the loss of their loved ones from suicide. This section contains the
inference of the researchers and the recommendations on how to improve the research.
Conclusions
Based on the results of the research, the researchers made six conclusions. The first thing
the researchers inferred is that Filipinos employ different grieving and coping mechanisms.
Although there are similarities among the Filipino suicide survivors’ way of grieving and coping,
there are also many differences noted. The effects of the suicide to Filipino suicide survivors also
differ in forms, intensity, and range. The suicide of their loved ones left a greater impact on some
Filipino suicide survivors than the others. For some Filipino suicide survivors, negative
interpersonal relationships resulted from the suicide of their loved ones, while for others, the
opposite happened. The differences among individuals reflected on the ways the suicide
survivors coped, grieved, and took the effect of the suicide that happened.
Secondly, the ways of grieving and coping of Filipino suicide survivors are not that
different from the ways of grieving and coping of western suicide survivors. Most of the findings
in the research agree to what existing literature has discovered. However, there are certain coping
ways that are more frequently employed by Filipino suicide survivors than western suicide
survivors. These certain coping ways include turning to religion, relationship- oriented coping,
and turning to supernatural beliefs rooted in the Filipino culture. Although westerners also use
these kinds of coping styles, Filipinos have a preference to these ways of coping that reflect their
culture. It is noted that the researchers compared the experiences of Filipino suicide survivors to
experiences of western suicide survivors because of the fact that most existing literature with the
same nature of study were conducted in the west. Commented [BQE6]: good!
Based on the results and the experiences of the Filipino suicide survivors, it is also
concluded that most suicide survivors turn to people who they are close with and religion as
ways to cope with the loss of their loved ones from suicide. It is not suprising that Filipino
suicide survivors turn to their close friends and families for support as Filipinos are known to put
value in interpersonal relationships.In addition, Philippines is a predominantly Christian country.
Filipino people are mostly faithful to their religion, most of the Filipino suicide survivors seek
the help of the higher being for comfort and relief. However, it is still a matter of individual
differences as some Filipino suicide survivors do not turn to religion due to them not believing in
it.
The researchers also infer that age does not pose as a major factor that affects Filipino
suicide survivors’ grieving and coping with the loss of their loved ones from suicide. The
mindset of the suicide survivors, existing personality traits, and knowledge about the suicide
phenomenon were more indicative of their grieving and coping ways than their age.
In relation to the fourth conclusion, the magnitude of the relationship between Filipino
suicide survivors and their loved ones who have committed suicide poses as a major factor on the
suicide survivors’ grieving and coping. The closer suicide survivors are with the victim, the
harder it is for them to accept what happened. This may also be the case because of the value
Filipinos give to relationships.
Lastly, stigma about suicide is still in existence in the Philippines. It was observed that
the stigma attached to suicide is still prevalent in the Philippine setting. Prior to the suicide of
their loved ones, most Filipino suicide survivors viewed suicide as a negative phenomenon and
pre- judged the suicide victims as weak individuals. Upon the analysis of their narratives, the
stigma that some Filipino suicide survivors perceived in relation to suicide may be attributed to
their lack of understanding and awareness of mental health. Their understanding and awareness
of mental health only came after they have experienced losing their loved ones from suicide. It
does not come as a surprise since efforts to raise awareness about mental health in the
Philippines are still few. Another possible cause of the stigma attached to suicide is the belief of
the Christian church and other religious sectors that suicide is a sin and that the ones who
commit it are sinful. Since majority of the Filipinos practice their religion and are faithful to
what it teaches, they adapt their beliefs and practice them.
Overall, it appears that the underlying factor that influences the grieving and coping of
Filipino suicide survivors with the loss of their loved ones from suicide are individual
differences. Although these Filipino suicide survivors are culturally in the same category, there
are still existing differences in their beliefs. These differences account for their differences in
coping and grieving with the suicide of their loved ones.
Recommendations Commented [BQE7]: It would be nice if you can add

sa recommendations the things or activites you can
suggest in order to help suicide survivors and what
This study introduced a whole new perspective on the experiences of suicide survivors. they are going through. Parang you answer the
question: So anon a ngayon kung eto ang mga
With a focus on Filipino suicide survivors, this study may later on be used to influence further findings? What can we do with the findings then in
retation to the phenomenon being studied.
studies. The researchers recommend that this study be improved by (1) having more participants,
(2) garnering more participants with various ages, (3) garnering participants from different
religious backgrounds, (4) finding participants closer to the suicide victims, and (5) having more
than 1 suicide survivor per suicide victim.
First, this study may be improved by gathering participants that would accurately
represent the population of the Philippines. This study included only 10 participants residing
from Manila, the country’s capital, and Pampanga, a province. The use of a bigger sample size
from other parts of the country may aide in increasing the generalizability of the results. This
would also find if there are any observable differences between the coping styles of Filipinos in
the provinces or rural areas and Filipinos living in more urbanized areas.
Second, it is also recommended for future researchers to gather more participants with
varying ages. In that way, a better comparison among the experiences of people in different age
groups will be made. A comparison with their retrospection of their experiences and their present
experiences may also be done to see if maturity becomes a factor as they age.
Third, participants of future studies about Filipino suicide survivors are recommended to
be from different religious backgrounds. Since religion was found to be one of the themes with
the biggest impact on the experiences and coping of the suicide survivors, it would be best to
find differences across other religions found in the Philippines such as Islam or Protestantism.
Fourth, future researchers should also gather participants that are closer to the suicide
victim. Due to the sensitive nature of this study, suicide survivors who participated were not the
people closest to the suicide victim. The people closest to the suicide survivors chose not to
participate because they believed that even if it has been a long time since the suicide, they could
not take part in the interview without being emotional. In conducting further studies on this
topic, researchers would be able to garner more accurate results if the participants would be the
people closest to the suicide victim. In line with this, the usage of a scale to measure closeness of
suicide survivors to suicide victims is also recommended.
Lastly, the researchers also recommend that future researchers garner more than 1 suicide
survivor per suicide victim. Suicide survivors from the same suicide victim are recommended to
have varying relationships with the deceased. For instance, future researchers should seek to get
the parents, the friends, and even the romantic partner of suicide victim A in order to find out if
varying relationships have different effects on suicide survivors.

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Appendices
A. Informed Consent Form Commented [BQE8]: May demographic information

sheet ba kayo na kasabay niyong pinasagutan sa
informed consent form?
B. Interview Transcripts
Commented [BQE9]: Nasaan ang Information about
the Authors?
Commented [BQE10]: Dapat kasama rin sa Appendix
ang inyong Interview guide questions or Gabay para sa
pakikipag kuwentuhan.
Appendix A: Informed Consent Form
University of the Philippines Diliman- Extension Program in Pampanga

Clarkfield, Pampanga
Good day!
We, Jaana Lei D. Albano and Crispin Lauro G. Sta. Ines, are fourth year BA Applied Psychology students
in University of the Philippines Diliman- Extension Program in Pampanga. We are conducting an exploratory
research about the experiences of suicide survivors in the Philippines for our thesis. The purpose of our study is to
shed the light on the experiences of Filipinos who were left behind by their loved ones through suicide. With this
study, we hope to not only educate people about the importance of the mental health of both suicide victims and
survivors, but to aid Filipinos who are currently going through such an experience, or those who know people going
through such a tough situation. The participants of the study are suicide survivors or people who have lost a loved
one from suicide. An unstructured interview will be done to gather the necessary data.
With that being said, we invite you to participate in our research. The interview will last from 1 hour to 3
hours. Follow- up interviews will also be conducted when needed. The interview will also be audio- recorded using
a cellphone device for documentation purposes. Rest assured that confidentiality will be kept all throughout the
study. Once the research has been completed, it may be available upon your request.
We hope for your positive response.
Sincerely,
____________________ ______________________
Jaana Lei D. Albano Crispin Lauro G. Sta. Ines
____________________
Bryan Q. Engay
Thesis Adviser
INFORMED CONSENT FORM
I, ______________________________________, understand clearly the procedures and purpose of the

study. I was informed about the need of the study that it will help in providing information about experiences of
suicide survivors. I am fully aware that I will be asked questions that revolve around my experience as a suicide
survivor. Anytime I feel uncomfortable, I can withdraw my participation from this study. To help in the success of
this study, I will do the best that I can to answer the questions as honestly as I can. I have been told that my answe rs
will be kept confidential and will only be used for the purpose of this study. I am aware that the interview that will
be conducted will be recorded through the use of an audio recorder for documentation purposes. I am also aware that
the results of this study may be available to me upon my request. The researchers may reach me by contacting
____________________.
I understood everything I have read. I will follow the guidelines that this study provides.
_____________________________________ ________________
Signature over Printed Name of Participant Date
Appendix B: Interview Transcripts
Interview Transcript of Mia

R- Researchers
P- Mia
R: Sino yung nagsuicide?
P: Yung nagsuicide, friend ko siya. Na- meet ko siya sa isang psychotherapy group na in-
attend- an ko for 3 months. Graduate na siya noon. Bali batchmates kami. Unang batch yata siya
tapos pangatlo ako. Pero nag- meet kami dahil, kasi yung psychotherapy group, free siya. At
dahil free siya, alam mo yun, you’d want to give something back doon sa kung sino mang nag-
initiate nung grupo. So, may opportunity na mag- give back, nag- volunteer ako. Ayun, tapos
yun, pero kasi yung volunteer activity na yun, kailangan ng training. So, ang trainor ko noon,
siya. Dalawa sila. So trainor ko siya for that activity. Ayon. Tapos, so yung first day I met him,
tinreyn niya ako kung ano yung gagawin for that activity. While training, siyempre naguusap
na rin kami about what we’ve experienced, our struggles ganiyan. Para sa akin napakaimportante
ng araw na yon kasi bihira akong makakilala ng taong nakaka- disclose ko kaagad, mabilis, yung
naranasan ko. Kasi there are people I’ve known for years pero they’re practically strangers to me
and I’m a stranger to them. Pero this person, kakakilala lang namin pero disclosure, nandun na
agad, parang experiences. Ayun, doon ko siya nakilala, sa ganung paraan. Through that
psychotherapy group. It was our opportunity to get to know each other. Tapos, napag- usapan
namin kung how we did it, ano yung experiences, mga therapy na pinagdaanan namin, sa
medications, ganyan. Those things. Para sa akin parang instant connection. Ayun, doon ko siya
nakilala.
R: Kailan yung psychotherapy group na iyon?
P: Last sem, from August to December.

R: Ah. Pwede ko bang maitanong kung paano yun?
P: Hindi ko siya kaklase noon ah, graduate na siya doon. So nag- meet kami after. Ano siya, arts
therapy, movement therapy, saka in terms of diet, in- introduce din nila kami sa mood-
stabilizing diet. Kasi yung nag- initiate nung therapy ay diagnosed with bipolar, and she doesn’t
resort to medications. Ang ginagawa niya ay purely diet and, organic, natural, and, alam mo
iyon? May sarili siyang ritwal nang pag- manage ng disorder niya. So, arts, hindi siya medical
pathway nang pag- manage nun, it’s more of the natural pathway. Yun yung focus ng
psychotherapy.
R: So, sa time na yun, nagdi- disclose kayo ng mga experiences? Sa buong 3 months?
P: Hindi, after nun. Nakikita ko na siya nung while nagte- therapy kami, pero after kami nung
naging close talaga, nung nag- training na ako.
R: Tanong ko lang, anong nangyari? Saka paano yung nangyri sa kanya?
P: Kasi noong time na nagcommit siya, mga matagal ko na siyang hindi nameet. Paano ko
nalaman? Di ba dalawa silang trainor ko. Yung isang trainor ko, minessage niya ako sa FB.
Finals week iyon eh. Last December. Last sem. So hindi ako nakakapunta doon sa pinagvo-
volunteer- an ko, kasi nag- excuse muna ako kasi finals. Tapos, iyon minessage ng isa kong
trainor, tas yun nga, doon ko nalaman na nagsuicide pala siya. And he jumped off a building.
Ayun, tapos, hindi kami nakapagpaalam, kasi yung pamilya niya, they don’t believe it’s suicide.
They believe that it’s just an accident. Pero prior that, may 3 attempts na siya, and this is the 4 th
attempt.
R: In that time fram lang?
P: Hindi, before pa nakatatlong beses na siya. Yung fourth, well, dun na… natuluyan. So hindi
kami nakapagpaalam properly kasi ayaw nung pamilya niyang magpunta kami sa funeral. So,
yung pagpapaalam namin, yung psychotherapy group namin, we held a night honoring him.
Tapos since arts therapy kami, it’s more on the arts, expressing arts na makakapagsariwa ng
alaala niya. Di ba yung mga burol, it serves you a purpose, parang yun yung proseso ng pagle-
let go sa minamamahal mo. Sa amin, yung gabi yun ng proseso ng pag- let go namin sa kanya.
So yun, arts, poems, performances, kanta ganyan. It’s a night for him. That’s our farewell for
him. Pero bago pa yun, for me it helped nung bumalik ako sa activity kun saan ako nagbo-
volunteer, may isa pang member ng psychotherapy group namin, iba ito pero trainor ko rin siya.
We relived his last days, ganun. He was happy nung mga last days niya ganun. Ayun nga, may
pictures pa siya, nakangiti siya, tumatawa. To know that he was happy during the last days,
parang nakakagaan sa loob na kahit papaano, hindi siya namaalam nang malungkot. Na kahit
papaano, masaya siya. It helped na may kausap ka na alam yung mga huling araw mo. Kasi wala
ako nung huling araw niya eh so, sana nandun ako di ba? Sana hindi final, sana nandun ako, sana
nakasama ko siya, pero wala nga ako doon. So, it helps na may nakakuwentuhan ako tungkol sa
mga huling araw niya ganun. Ayun. Yun yung coping. Siguro nakakatulong din na ako rin ay
attempr survivor. Kami, from that therapy group, we’ve known the struggle. So, nakakatulong
siya, it’s a protective factor. Kasi, may mga pamilya, bago ang suicide sa pamilya nila. Parang
totally, yun yung first exposure nila sa suicide. They experience, one, why? Bakit niya ginawa?
You have to get through the why, get through with the anger, bakit hindi nanghingi ng tulong
yung kapamilya nila or kaibigan nila? Nandito naman ako, bakit hindi niya ginawa? Nakakagalit.
You have to get through the grief of losing that person. You have to get through the guilt n
asana, may nagawa sila. Ganun. So for us, alam na namin yung why. We don’t have to question
the why, kasi alam namin, napagdaanan namin eh kung bakit. We know the experience kung
paano aabot sa suicide. Kami- kami alam namin yun, so sa sitwasyon na yun, hindi na namin
kinwestiyon kung bakit niya ginawa. Hindi na kami nagalit, kasi alam naman namin kung bakit
niya nagawa. Siguro what we had to deal with was the grief and a bit of guilt, na sana may
nagawa kami ganun. Pero it was mostly grief kasi wala na siya ganun. So, yung struggles namin
ay protective factor, it allowed us to cope faster with what happened.
R: Di ba sabi mo, you relived the happy days? Before yun, walang indications?
P: Personally, I can understand na ganun siya. Kasi noong ako, ganun din ako. Kasi ayokong
may makaalam na mag- a- attempt ako kasi ayokong pigilan nila ako, kasi I want to be final.
Gusto kong matuluyan ako, and so naiintidihan ko kung bakit during his last days, I don’t know
if it’s just a façade or if he was truly happy, but I think he was happy in a certain way kasi ito na,
malapit nang makawala sa paghihirap ko, ganyan. Well, from my perspective, masaya ako nun.
Kaya ako hindi halatang magus- suicide na ako kasi masaya na ako na mawawala na ako. So, I
assume, siguro possibleng kaya siya masaya kasi konti na lang makakawala na siya. Gets mo?
So, it’s possible na he was also putting up a façade, but I don’t know. But I think he was happy,
or baka yun lang yung sinasabi ko sa sarili ko. But I believe he was happy. Ayun. Ano uli yung
tanong mo, sorry?
R: Yung indications, meron ba?
P: No signs. Well, wala ako noong last days niya, pero sabi nung iba na nandun, masaya naman
siya. And so, siguro factor yun na wala na siya kaya siya masaya, and also factor din siguro na
ayaw niyang may makaalam na mag- a- attempt siya, kaya he acted normally, parang ganun. No
signs, wala akong narinig na nagpaparinig. Oo, nagkukwento siya na he’s had attempts in the
past, ganun. Nagdi- disclose siya sa ibang psychotherapy group members na ganun. Pero, normal
kasi siya sa akin eh, magkwento ng nangyari sa past. So, parang sa amin, it was a disclosure na
parang pakikiisa mo na you bond with another person by disclosing aspects of yourselves ganun.
So, for me, ganun yung meaning ng disclosure ko. Hindi siya nagdi- disclose dahil
nagpaparamdam siya na he’ll be having an attempt, hindi siya nagdi- disclose ng ganun para sa
akin. Nagdi- disclose siya kasi, reciprocity of disclosure ganun. Para we’re equal in disclosing
personal matters ganun. So, it wasn’t an indication for me, it was just an honest disclosure.
R: So in a way, unexpected yung nangyari?
P: Unexpected. Noong nalaman ko yun, nanlamig ako.
R: Yun, ano yung nafeel mo immediately after?
P: Noong nabasa ko? Nanlamig talaga ako. Hindi kasi ito yung first time ko, nung high school
kasi ako, yung kapatid ng adviser ko, nagsuicide din. So, that time nanlamig din ako. Tapos
ayun, directly nakita ko yung weight nung person na iyon. Iyon yung first exposure ko sa
suicide. And nakakapanlamig na makakita ng isang taong pumanaw dahil sa suicide. Tas yun, ito
dahil hindi ko nakita yung friend ko pero just knowing that he passed away, nakakapanlamig.
Hindi siya yung malamig na nanginginig ako, parang it’s internal. Malamig siya sa pairamdam.
Malamig siya, pero it’s the kind of cold that you can’t shake away by shivering. Malamig siya
dahil may nawala, you lost the warmth of the person close to you kaya siya malamig. Parang
ganun. Psychosomatic yung expression nung grief ko. Nanlamig ako, and siyempre, the grief
was there, it was overwhelming. Ayun, nung nalaman ko, wala akong pake kung sino yung
nakakarinig, umiyak ako nang hagulgol ganun. Eh nasa bahay naman ako nun kaya okay lang.
So nasa third floor ako tas sila nasa first floor yata yung mga tao, so humagulgol ako.
R: May privacy?
P: May privacy. Pero kahit marinig naman nila ako okay lang, kasi, well narinig na nila akong
humagulgol nung way back nung nagsastruggle ako. So, ayun.
R: Nandiyan pa rin yung cold feeling?
P: Ngayon nandito kasi pinaguusapan natin eh. Pero hindi naman siya ganun kasobra kumpara
noong nalaman ko nung una. Overwhelming talaga yung panlalamig na iyon, as in. Parang north
pole. Hindi naman, parang malamig siya, malamig sa pakiramdam. Ewan ko, hindi ko alam kung
bakit ganun yung reaksyon ko. Parang nakakapanlamig. And, nakakalungkot, it’s grief. Ayun.
R: So ngayon, medyo nagsubside na ganun?
P: Oo, nagsubside. Kasi, nagsu- subside siya. It doesn’t mean na nagsubside siya na…I mean,
it’s parang human to cope. It’s human to heal. And also it helps na yung social circle namin sa
psychotherapy group namin, it promotes healing. That’s the reason why we got together. We
wanted to celebrate brokenness, but at the same time, heal with each other ganun. Nag- subside
siya, but we carry him in our hearts. We carry him in our minds, he’s with us. Even though the
grief is not as overwhelming as it used to be, it doesn’t mean na wala na rin siya sa amin. He’s
still with us, but we cope. And it’s natural to heal. And it’s good to grow.
R: Ayun, nasabi mo na nga na it’s natural to heal. Nasabi mo rin di ban a yung group niyo is a
protective factor, aside doon, ano yung naka- help sa iyo nang lubusan?
P: Major factors that helped me heal. Major yung experience ko, I’m an attempt survivor that’s
why I understand why he did it. So, mas naintindihan ko siya. So yung acceptance, kasi before
you heal, you need to accept that you’re going through this grief, this struggle. And so for me,
my own experiences helped me accept what he did kasi I have to accept what I did. By accepting
what I did, parang nakakatulong yun intindihin kung bakit nagagawa ng ibang tao yun. That’s a
major factor. The second was yung grupo, parang we share our company with each other. Parang
we share healing. Yun yung major if I were to point out things, yun yung major. Journals, kasi
nagdyo- journal ako araw- araw. So, cathartic siya para sa akin. And at that time, nung nalaman
ko nagpakamatay siya, unusually long yung entry ko.
R: It’s a form of release.
P: Oo, it’s a form of release. It’s cathartic, it’s, may mga bagay nap ag nasa utak mo lang, hindi
mo siya napa- process, but through writing I was able to process my feelings, what was going
through, what we were going through. So malaking tulong ang journal para sa akin. Tapos, yun
lang. Yun yung major, major.
R: Iba- iba rin naman ang coping ng tao. Di ba parang may empathy doon sap ag- understand
kung bakit mo ginawa, kung wala yun, sa tingin mo anong nangyari?
P: Kung wala yun, malaking hurdle siya. Kasi, I think kaya masyadong pangit ang tingin sa
suicide kasi yung mga taong walang experience sa kanya, automatically galit na bakit ang hina
ng taong yun? Bakit siya nagpakamatay? So, from that anger they develop these kinds of
judgement patungkol sa mga taong nagsusuicide, patungkol sa issue of suicide itself. Kaya
pangit ang tingin ng lipunan sa suicide, kaya hindi siya welcome, kaya siya may stigma, kasi
wala yung empathy na iyon. Wala yung capacity to feel the burden of that person, kapag wala
yung empathy. And for me empathy was a big thing for acceptance. Kasi acceptance, that’s the
start of healing. And so, ayun,, napakalking factor ng empathy, na alam namin kung bakit niyang
ginawa, ganun. So, malaking bagay siya.
R: Ikaw ba yung taong kunwari may problems, sasabihin mo sa family mo, ganyan? Nasa
personality mo ba?
P: Initially, hindi. Kaya ako nag- attempt kasi hindi ko sinasabi, kasi kinikimkim ko. May tanong
sa akin yung psychologist ko noon, sabi niya, “what’s the greatest decision you’ve ever made?”
Tapos yung sagot ko sa kanya, committing suicide. And siya parang nagulat siya, kasi anong
positive doon, ganun. Kasi para sakin, suicide, although parang ang grim niya pakinggan, for me
it opened the gates to a lot of things parang ganun. I’m not the person you know now, hindi ako
ganito noon. Mas close ako, I don’t disclose much. And very independent to the point na
unhealthy na, I think? I didn’t tell my family about my problem. At umabot sa punto na sinabi ko
na, hindi sila naniwala kasi first time ko lang magsabi. I was waging an internal problem, and I
was struggling. But when I told them that, hindi sila naniwala kasi I didn’t show any kind of
struggle back then. Hindi ba ng mental health problem, wala kang sugat, wala kang injury, wala
kang patunay na nagsastruggle ka ganun And so, with that, hindi sila naniwala. And yung hindi
nila paniniwala, isang factor kung bakit ako nag- attempt. And then after my attempt, doon sila
naniwala na ay, may problema ako. Ganun. At ngayon, naging avenue yung suicide ko para ma-
open yung gates of communication among us. And so, after my suicide, mas vocal na ako about
my problems. Mas nagdi- disclose na ako sa kanila about my problems. And ayun, dun lang
akong natutong mag- disclose. After. Kasi dun ko narealize yung importance of disclosure. And
so if you ask me, is it in my personality to disclose, masasabi kong for the longest time hindi,
three years ago hindi. But after what I did, I learned that it was important. From then on, I’ve
been more vocal about my problems ganun. So, natututunan ang disclosure, natututunan ang pag-
o- open up.
R: Saka yung totoo yung sinabi mo na suicide, tingin ng halos lahat negative. Pero sa lahat
naman ng things, may positive din na naidudulot.
P: Oo.
R: Noong after namatay siya, nagkukwento ka rin sa family mo?
P: Hindi. Kasi, for one, ayaw nung pamilya ng nag- attempt na maipalam sa iba. Konti lang
kaming nakakaalam. Kaya hindi ako nagsasabi ng names, I’m not dropping names, I’m not
dropping details because I’m respecting the privacy they want. But I think it’s important to share
the story kasi, one time binisita kami ni Senator Risa Hontiveros, and sabi niya, we break stigma
by sharing the stories. And kayo, makakatulong kayo, kasi binisita niya kami for the MH Bill.
And she was asking for help na we raise awareness by sharing our stories. Kasi yun yung paraan,
that’s the way na makagawa ng space where it’s safe to talk about your sufferings or
vulnerabilities. It’s okay to show your weaknesses. Iyon yung paraan para mabreak yung
stigma. And so, that’s the reason why kailangan ko i- share yung story ko, kailangan kong i-
share yung storya niya. Kaya ako nagsasalita ng ganito, ganyan. Pero it doesn’t mean na iva-
violate ko yung privacy na gusto ng pamilya nila. So, I didn’t tell my family because I also have
another family doon sa psychotherapy group namin. And we’re able to manage well naman,
we’re able to cope well with just us. So, in a way, hindi ko siya nasabi sa pamilya ko. Pero it was
okay, kasi I found comfort from those people so it’s okay na hindi ko siya na- disclose sa
pamilya ko. And I know how to deal with it in a way kasi yung past experiences ko it helped me
deal.
R: Matanong ko lang, before nung suicide niya, ano yung nag0 ba sa tinginn mo sa suicide sa
ngayong tingin mo sa suicide? Or doon sa attempt mo, kasi nag- ba rin yun for sure.
P: I’ve realized na at this point na hindi pa tanggap ang mental health issue sa lipunan, there are
those who will be liberated from the pain by ending their life. Alam ko pangit siyang pakinggan
kasi it sounds like okay lang sa akin ang suicide, I don’t mean that. It’s just, of course, mas gusto
ko na maisalba yung tao, makatulong na mabuhay pa rin sila. But, it’s a reality na there are those
who will be liberated by their pain by actually leaving this earth. And there are those people who
will still carry on like ako, I don’t say na liberated na ako from my pain, but I’m able to cope.
Alam ko magcope ganyan. So, there are two types of people who will be liberated from their
pain by suicide, those who attempt and learn from it, learn to grow out of the experience and
those who are liberated from the pain kasi they’re gone, they’ve departed. And for me, it’s a
relief na hindi na siya nagdudusa ganun. Yun yung take- home lesson ko. Na- gets mob a?
R: Parang it’s up to the person, may choice siyang i- leave yung mundo, and it’s their decision.
And we should respect it, parang ganun?
P: May dalawang tao, who experience suicide. One is natuluyan…ay tatlo pala. Isa ang hindi
natuluyan, but matututunan niyang mag- grow out of the experience, at isa na hindi natuluyan at
patuloy pa rin na mag- a- attempt. Tatlong types of suicide. But, with regards to experience, yung
first two yung nakita kong matter, issue ganyan. Itong dalawang taong ito, in a way, they’ve been
liberated from their pain. Yung isa, by departing, yung isa, by coping. And it’s not necessarily
bad na you’ve been liberated from your pain by departing, kasi personally, for that person, yung
kaibigan ko na namaalam, maganda na meron siyang magandang social circle. Pero kasi yung
stressor niya nandun pa rin. And kahit napakaraming resources sa paligid mo, kapag yung
stressor nandyan pa rin, I mean yung resources to cope, pag yung stressor nandyan pa rin and it’s
overwhelming, it’s intense, mahirap magcope. Kahit may resource to cope, mahirap pa rin mag-
cope kapag nandyan yung stressor at matindi siya. And for him, for that person na namaalam
dahil overwhelming yung stressor, I completely understand that. Kasi nandun yung stressor eh,
mahirap mabuhay kung araw- araw nandyan yung stressor. Kinakalaban mo yung stressor and
darating ka talaga sa punto na mapapagod ka, ganun. And for him, I think, napagod siya. And I
respect that kasi he was waging his battle for a long time, and he deserves rest. If leaving this
world is rest for him, then I respect that. I’m lucky kasi I was able to eliminate my stressor, pero
kung hindi natanggal sa akin yung stressor ko, then I’d probably attempt a second time and it
would probably be successful, kasi alam ko kung saan ako nagkamali nung unang attempt ko.
And I’d correct it the second time. But I was blessed with the opportunity na matanggal yung
stressor. But for him, he didn’t have that kind of chance na mawala yung stressor. And so
napagod siya, and he wanted rest, and he did that by suicide, and I understand that. Napagod siya
eh. He was liberated from his pain and it’s a relief na hindi na siya nagdudusa ngayon.
R: Before all the suicide happened, ano yung view mo doon sa phenomenon?
P: After my attempt?
R: Before.
P: Before pa lahat ng ka- suicidal?
R: Before nung attempt niya at saka nung sa iyo.
P: Before nung attempt ko, masama ang tingin ko sa suicide. Kasi nung college ako, nagdya-
judge ako. Sa UPM kasi, narinig niyo na ba yung Kristel Tejada case? So ayun, negative ang
view ko dun. Kasi that time, UPM ako, so may hierarchy kasi sa UPM eh, na kapag College of
Arts and Sciences ka, ano ka lang, ganyan. Kapag health sciences ka, Nursing, Med, Pharm, mas
mahirap, mas impyerno kumpara sa College of Arts and Sciences. So nung si Kristel
nagpakamatay, may judgement na nasa isip ko, parang ano bay an, parehas naman tayong UPM,
bakit hindi ka nagcope? Parang alam ko yung nararanasan mo, mas mahirap mga nararanasan
ko eh, so bakit ka nag- attempt? Although yung sa kanya related sa STFAP eh, pero pressure kasi
sa UPM iba eh. So possible na yung pressure sa UPM got through her. So nung time na yun,
jinudge ko siya. Pero nung time na nung ako na yung nag- attempt, ako na nakaranas nung
struggle. Nag- sorry ako sa kanya kahot hindi niya ako naririnig, although hindi ko naman siya
kilala personally, but parang internal, sa loob ko lang, sorry, ganyan pala yung naranasan mo,
naghirap ka pala. Naiintindihan ko na ngayon bakit mo ginawa, so nung nag- attempt ako, mas
naintindihan ko kung bakit may mga taong nagsusuicide. And yung time na yung friend ko na
yung nag- attempt, siyempre may understanding na ako ng suicide. So naiintindihan ko na kung
bakit nag- a- attempt ang tao. And so, hindi na negative yung view ko nun. I didn’t judge him for
what he did kasi I know the experience. My own experiences helped me accept what he did. I
understand why he did that. So protective factor nung naranasan ko yun, yung experiences ko.
Protective factor siya na, nung time na kailangan kong harapin yung pagpanaw niya.
R: Ngayon ba would you say na you have already moved on from your friend’s suicide?
P: Siyempre kapag pinaguusapan, sort of bumabalik. Naaalala mo yung nangyari eh. But,
kumpara noon na araw- araw iniisip mo, araw- araw pumapasok sa isip mo, ngayon hindi na
masyado. But, nandun pa rin yung attachment sa taong yun. Pero in terms of grief, masasabi
kong medyo nag- move on na sa grief.
R: Pero yung memories siyempre..
P: Oo, yung memories siyempre hindi na matatanggal yun.
R: You’ve said na ni- relive niyo yung happy days niya. Was it helpful nan ire- remember mo
siya as happy? Sort of protective factor bay un?
P: Oo, kasi parang nakikita namin na hindi siya totally…alam mo yun, kahit may dinadamdam
siyang ganun, sumasama pa rin siya sa amin, hindi pa rin siya nagmumukmok magisa, na
nakikita mo pa rin siya sa amin. It helps na kahit papaano, napatawa siya, may nai- render
kaming help, silang help kasi nga wala ako noong last days niya di ba. May nai 0render silang
help, nakakatulong na kahit papaano, nandun sila para samahan siya nung mga huling araw niya.
Na hindi siya totally magisa, na nakapag- reach out sila kahit papaano.
R: Okay. Dito na tayo sa medyo technical part, kasi di ba may ibang characteristics ang mga
Filipino. Ano yung sa tingin mong unique trait ng mga Filipino na nakakatulong siguro sa pagko-
coping? Or in general na lang.
P: Wow, hindi ko siya ina- analyze that way before. Yung interpersonal relations na, ano tayo,
nasa kultura natin na malapit. Na we have this family ties, but in this case, friendship ties. We
have those interpersonal ties with each other na okay lang sa atin mag- disclose ng feelings, na
we value our relationships, we value our friendships, our family. Kasi major factor sa akin yung
psychotherapy group na iyon, so kung ire- relate ko doon sa grupo kong iyon, interpersonal
relationships yung masasabi kong major Filipino trait na nakatulong sa aking magcope. Tapos,
resilience? Well, in my case, resilient in a way na nagamit ko yung past experiences ko para
magcope, mag- bounce back from this situation. So, naging protective factor sa akin yung
experience ko noon na supoosedly pangit, supposedly dark. Noong naexperience koi to, noong
naexperience ko yung loss ng friend ko, I was able to use it in a way na makakatulong sa aking
magcope. Resilience, interpersonal relationship…creative baa ng mga Filipino? Ayan,
nakatulong din yung creative expression, kasi yung psych group namin nga, therapy, ano siya
art- based ganun. So yung pag- honor namin sa memory namin sa friend naming iyon, through
the art, ay cathartic, helped us cope. So ayun, resilience, interpersonal relationships, creativity.
Creative outlet. So, ayun.
R: For the last question, ano siguro yung mga advice mo sa mga taong nag- a- undergo sa
ideations of suicide? Tapos sa mga taong negative pa rin yung view sa suicide.
P: Sa mga may ideations, reach out, share your stories. Kasi by not sharing the story, they’re
perpetuating the stigma. For me, yun yung ginawa ko nung hindi ako nag- o- open up sa pamilya
ko, I was perpetuating the stigma. At nung dumating na yung panahon na kailangan na nila
akong tulungan, hindi sila makatulong kasi may stigma regarding sa depression, sa mental health
issues. By reaching out, makakatulong yung ibang tao sa pagtulong sa iyo. Yung paguusap pa
lang, cathartic na iyon, lalong- lalo na sa pagtulong nila sa pagtanggal ng stressor mo. Share your
story. Sa mga taong may stigma regarding suicide, listen to the stories. Kung yung may ideations
you have to share your story, yung isa they have to listen to their story. Hindi moa lam yung
buong nangyayari sa tao eh, so who are you to judge that person’s pain kung hindi mo
pinakinggan yung istorya niya. So, hear your stories and listen to stories. Importante yun towards
building a society that cares, bulding a society that’s ready to take actions towards mental health
issues. Sa layperson, hindi mo naman masasabi sa kanila na mag- therapy ka, uminom ka muna
ng gamut. You have to start with acknowledging your struggle, and it starts by doing the act of
telling it to another person, or acknowledging the act and telling it to another person, tell another
soul. Kasi parang nagiging concrete yung acknowledgement mo ng struggle mo kapag may isa
pang taong nakarinig about it and by making it concrete you find steps, hindi na siya abstract.
Concrete na siya eh, kaya na siyang hanapan ng solutions kasi konkreto na siya at may kasama
ka na ngayong maghanap ng solutions. So ayun, share you stories so you can acknowledge it and
you can work on it para masolusyunan yung struggle, matanggal yung stressor, makahanap ka ng
makakaramay mo. And then sa mga nakakarinig, hear people out. Hear other people’s stories.
Siguro have an open mind, sa panahon ngayon hindi lahat ng tao ay metatag, hindi kasing tatag
mo, na kasing lakas mo. I- acknowledge mo na maraming tao ang may struggles.
R: Eh para doon sa mga nakaka- experience ng mga napagdaanan mo in terms of loss, nan aka-
experience ng loved one through suicide, ano naman yung advice na mabibigay mo sa kanila?
P: Importante na alam niya yung istorya kung bakit nagwa yun ng kapamilya niya or yung
kaibigan niya kasi for you to heal, you have to acknowledge what happened. And acknowledging
what happened requires you to know the story. Huwag kang matakot na alamin kung ano yung
dinanas ng kapamilya mong iyong o kaibigan mong iyon. Kasi para masimulan moa ng
paggaling, kailangan mo talagang harapin. At in a way, kailangan mong damdamin kung ano
yung naramdaman niya. Kailangan mo yung empathy, para maaccept mo kung bakit niya
ginawa iyon, so that you can let go of the anger, the guilt. You have to understand what
happened, what was the story behind them. And then from that, by knowing the story ma-
acknowledge mo na siya, and from acknowledging it, you find people who can help you heal. So
you connect with your family members, other friends. It also helps na you find other outlets aside
from people. You find other outlets kung saan pwede mong mailabas yung grief, hindi lang tao.
You have art, sports, bahala ka. You find outlet para mai- release mo yung bigat ng loob, yung
loss ganyan.
R: There are some suicide survivors kasi na hindi nila matanggal sa sarili nila yung blame, na
parang they play just as big as a role as anyone else doon sa pagsu- suicide at pagkawala ng
loved one nila. So, sa mga ganun yung nararamdaman, ano yung advice na maibibigay mo sa
kanila?
P: Para sa akin as an attempt survivor, personally naiintindihan ko na I don’t take blame na
ginawa niya iyon. Kasi ito, kaya koi to naintindihan kasi naranasan ko yung suicide, nag- attempt
ako. Noong time na yun, kahit may support system ako, hindi mahalaga sa akin kasi yung
stressor, it was overwhelming. So, kahit napakaganda ng support system mo, kung yung stressor
nandun pa, it’s you who’d convince yourself kung magus- suicide ka o hindi. Kahit may
karamay ka, kahit ganyan. So, personally, I don’t blame myself for the loss of my friend, I don’t
think n asana may nagawa ako…well, meron, pero hindi siya sinlaki kasi alam ko noong nag-
attempt ako, it was my personal choice, hindi dahil hindi nila ako tinulungan. Hindi nila ako
tinulungan pero, but there are other people who are supportive ng sitwasyon ko. I could’ve taken
advantage of that help from other people pero gusto kong magpakamatay eh, magpapakamatay
ako. So yung knowledge na responsible ako sa choice ko dahil naranasan ko na magdesisyon ng
ganun, yung knowledge na iyon, nakatulong siya sa akin na mag- let go ng blame noong
naranasan ko na mawalan ng kaibigan. Kasi alam ko na it was his choice. Napakaganda ng
psychotherapy group, support system sa psych group namin. But, when your stressor is that
overwhelming, kahit na napakaganda ng support system namin, we can still make choices na
yung, we could still commit suicide regardless of the help surrounding you. The knowledge that
ot was his personal choice, back then it was my personal choice when I did it, and the knowledge
that it was his personal choice despite the resources of coping available to him, natulungan akong
magcope na hindi ko i- blame yung sarili ko. There’s still a part n asana nakatulong ako, but, I
wouldn’t call it blaming. It’s more of a guilt. It’s not that I blame myself, it’s more of I should’ve
done something. Hindi siya kasalanan ko kung bakit siya namatay, it’s more of sana may ginawa
ako. More of guilt than blame. Pero sa akin, hindi naman kasi lahat ng suicide survivors
nakaranas ng attempt themselves, and so yung akin, yun yung nakatulong sa akin in terms of
letting go of blame. Siguro sa mga taong hindi nakaranas ng attempt, siyempre they would blame
themselves…actually hindi ko pa siiya napag- isipan, kung paano nila ie- let go. Kasi iba yung
naranasan ko. Sorry.
R: No, it’s okay. Okay lang yun.
R: Actually, iyon na yun. Thanks! Kumusta naman?

P: Okay naman, medyo contradicting yung mga sinabi ko. Well, kasi sa isyu na ito, you’’d find
yourself contradicting views. Alam mo yun, sa sarili ko may views ako na contradicting doon sa
paniniwala ko. Hindi siya black and white, there’s a grey area. And personally kapag hindi ako
nakapag- reflect sa isang bagay, pupuchu- puchu yung sagot ko. May mga bagay pa rin sa
suicide that I need to reflect on. And iyon. Sana nakatulong.
R: Ang laking tulong!
Interview Transcript of Raffy
R- Researchers
P- Raffy
R: Ayan Sir. Okay na po ba?
R: So sir first of all, we want to know po sana kung ano po yung relationship niyo dun sa the one
who committed suicide po?
P: Ah. Former student ko siya. Pero ako yung tatay-tatayan niya dito sa school. So actually ang
sabi nga nya noong father’s day, di man kami magkalaman, di man kami magkadugo pero yung
puso namin father and son.
R:So very close po kayo no?
P: Yes.
R: Okay. Sir pwede niyo po bang ikwento ano yung nangyari dun sa nagcommit? Parang kahit
general lang po. Kahit di nap o sa details.
P: Yung reason, hanggang ngayon di namin alam. Basta ang alam ko that is second attempt nya.
Kwinento nya sa akin yung first attempt, nasa highschool pa sya. Overdosage ng.. And then kaso
since naisugod sya agad sa hospital, nabuhay siya. Pero yung second bigti so medyo noong
makita siya dalhin man siya sa hospital wala na talaga siyang buhay. Pero yung reason hanggang
ngayon di pa alam.
R:So there was no note po or anything?
P: Walang suicide note.
R:And there was an attempt na po pala dati.
P: Eh alam naman natin kapag ganon ang nangyari, kailangan na siyang bantayan. Wherein yung
mother nya ganun naman yung ginawa nya. Todo bantay naman yung mother niya pero yung
araw na iyun parang dahil madaling araw nangyari, noong nagising ang mother, hinanap niya
agad ang anak niya tapos nakita na niyang ‘yon na ‘yon.
R:Before po what happened, did you study in close contact with him or nagusap pa po ba kayo
few days before it happened or?
P: Actually nung binabanggit nilang… Kasi Sunday nangyari ‘yon, Friday afternoon ang daming
nakakita sakanya pero ako hindi. So hindi ko siya nakita. Basta ang alam ko ‘yung nagpaparinig
na siya sa twitter pero hindi siya ganon. Hindi naman magsuicide sya. Ang pinariringgan lang
niya parang mawawalan siya ng friend. Pero baliktad ang nangyari, kami ang nawalan. Hindi
siya.
R:Parang hindi direct yung pagkasabi nya no.
P: Siguro.
R:Kayo po ba sa last time niyo pong time na nakita sakanya or yun nga po nakausap sya or
nakaencounter siya wala po bang signs na?
P: Wala.
R:Or anything?
P: Wala.
R:Wala rin po siyang naiopen up sa inyo na?
P: Wala. Kaya nagtatampo din ako bakit niya ginawa. Wala. Wala.
R:So it was unexpected po talaga ano.
P: Yes.
R:So after pong mangyari, nung marinig niyo po yung news what did you feel po?
R:Or how did you find out?
R:And how did you find out din po?
P: Actually noong Sunday na 3am, dun nga siya nawala ewan ko kung aksidente or what gising
din ako ng Sunday ng 3am. Di ko alam kung bakit. Pero wala naman. Di naman kami nagkausap
or what. Then after that, nagpahinga konti then pumunta ng church. Then buong maghapon wala
akong ginawa kundi matulog. Kaya di ko alam ang nangyayari. Di man ako nagopen ng twitter o
facebook. By 4pm ng Sunday, may nagtext sa akin ang binabanggit is ‘Yun pong anak niyong si
*** wala na. Pinapasabi lang po.’ Kasi ibang number lang yung nagtext sakin, so parang
finoforward lang sakin yung message. Then di ko naintindihan kung ano. Ano ba yung nawala or
lumipad, nag-abroad or what. So hinayaan ko lang. So pinabasa ko sa wife ko, yun daw anak-
anakan mong si *** parang namatay na. Then, eh… Di ko alam na *** . Ang tawag ko kasi sa
kanya is ***. So di ko alam kung sino yung *** na tinutukoy. So inignore ko lang yung text, but
yung sinabi nga ng wife ko na anak-anakan. Meron akong tatlong anak-anakan don. Si ***, si
***, at tska si ***. Yung *** alam ko chairperson. Then tinetext ko yung close friend niya na
classmate niya. Ang text ko lang naman is, ‘Meron akong gustong itanong.’ Then nagreply siya,
‘Sir kung ang tinatanong mo about ***, patay na sya. Suicide.’ Diretso niyang tinext.
R:Ahh. Opo.
P: So nagulat ako. Then that time nasa ano ko in denial stage. So di ko…
R:Pinaniwalaan.
P: Actually wala man kami sa bahay noon. I mean sorry, sorry. Nasa kabilang bahay kami sa
Floridabalanca. Then nakauwi pa ako ng kabila naming bahay sa Porac. Wala. Parang walang
nangyari. Kasi nasa in denial stage ako. Then kinabukasan Monday final exam, nakita ko yung
mga kaklase niya umiiyak and wala siya. Pinuntahan nila ako. Sabi ko, ‘Wag niyo akong
kakausapin. Wag niyo muna ako kakausapin dahil hindi pa ako handa na…’
R:Harapin…
P: Alam kong nandyan siya. Oo. Sasabihin mong wala na. PArang in denial lahat. Kasi nga
masakit. Kasi ang message ko sa kanya last birthday niya, ‘Dad, tatanda na naman ako.’Sabi ko,
‘At least, kung tatanda ka man. At least buhay ka at masaya.’ Yun yung message ko nung
birthday nya. Then…
R:This happened… Yung mother nya po ba kailan niyo po nakaencounter? After ano na po?
P: Ah, Thursday na. Di kasi ako pwedeng umalis ng school dahil final exam. Di naman nila ako
pagbibigyan for sure na lumabas. Eh ang exam ay from Monday to Wednesday. Yung Thursday
nagpaalam ako sa Boss ko. Yun, pinayagan ako. Kasi hindi ko na.., Alam niyang di ko kinakaya.
R:Hmmm. Sa ngayon po ba masasabi niyo somehow you’ve accepted it?
P: Hindi.
R:Hindi pa.
P: Hindi. Ahhh. To be honest with you, nagconsult pa ako ng guidance kasi hindi ko kinakaya.
Actuallly noong first kong kinausap yung guidance counselor, sabi nga niya sa akin, ‘Kung
nasusugat tayo nilalagyan natin ng gamot, what more yung emotional na sugat. Handa ba nating
gamutin?’ Actually matagal akong pabalik-balik kasi di ko siya kinakaya. Every time na nasa
church ako, pinagpepray ko lang na nandyan pa sya. Buhay pa sya. Kahit na maysakit lang siya,
at least alam kong buhay pa sya hindi yung ganito. Kung ano-ano ‘yung pumapasok sa isip ko.
Kunwari nanonood ako ng tv, sana napapanood nya rin ng ganitong ano. Kasi sinayang niya
yung ano…
R:Yung parang sanang buhay ano po?
R:Opo.
P: Hindi pa sya lubos. Naging masakit kasi sa part ko. Mahirap akong naghilom. Mahirap
naghilom yung sugat sa emotions ko kasi contradict sa may asawa ako, may anak din ako. And
then nagseselos kasi sila na parang mas binibigyan ko ng importansya yung anak-anakan ko
kaysa sa kanila. So hindi ko agad nailabas yung emotion ko kasi pag nasa bahay ako kailangan
kong ipakita na walang nangyrai. Then a week noong namatay siya, sabi ko sa wife ko, ‘Pupunta
ako ng libing sa ayaw at sa gusto mo.’ Kasi ayaw niya. Pero pinilit kong pupunta ako ng libing.
Then after niyang ilibing Sunday, by Monday nahospital ako sa kidney naman ang problema ko
dahil hindi pa ako nakakaano dun sa dahil masakit. Masakit. Eh ang nagbabantay sa hospital is
yung wife ko so di ako makaiyak. So parang…
R: Nakimkim…
P: Then after ko nahospital, kailangan kong magpresent ng research sa Cebu kasama ko ang wife
ko. As in walang time na pwede kong ilabas yung nasa loob ko.
R:So during that time po ‘yun po ‘yung time na lumapit kayo sa Guidance to ask for help?
P: Kasi di ko mailabas… Di ko sya mailabas. Dun ko nilabas lahat. Talagang umiyak ako.
Parang maghapon yata kaming naguusap nung ano. Talagang iniyak ko, binuhos ko lahat.
R:Which is needed po talaga sa mga situations na ganyan ‘yung mailabas. Iyun lang po kasi
yung importante yung maexpress niyo yung feelings. Kasi pag kinimkim nga po mas
mahihirapan din po.
R:Pero through time po, nakapaglabas na rin po kayo ng emotions sa family niyo. Sa wife nyo?
P: Kasi dumating sa point na, nilabas din kasi ng wife ko kung ano yung nasa loob nya dun ko
nalaman nga na talagang yung selos nila. Sabi nga nila mas binibigyan ko ng importansya
yung… Tapos nilabas ko kung bakit. Broken family kasi sila. Pero di naman, let’s say alam ko
may communication sila pero kung di ako nagkakamali two years old palang siya iniwan na sila
ng father nila. Pero alam nila kung nasaan yung tatay, so sabi ko ang hirap din ng situation ko
tumayong tatay sakanya. Una di ka dapat magtanim ng attachment dahil teacher pero ginawa ko
para sakanya dahil alam kong kailangan niya. Siguro sabi ko nga, may pagkukulang din ako
sakanya dahil once na hindi lahat ng laban niya as volleyball player, pwede kong panoorin. Kasi
una may mother siya, ayoko rin maramdaman ng mother nya na…
R:Na inooverpower…
P: Yes. So inaano ko lang yung situation. Di ko alam na alam pala ng mother niya na turing sa
akin ni *** ay tatay. Nalaman ko lang ‘yun noong patay na sya. Kasi pagdating ko ng bahay
nung burol, pagdating na pagdating ko, pinakilala niya ako sa family niya na ako yung tatay-
tatayan nya sa school. Kung alam ko lang na alam pala ng nanay niya, siguro nabantayan ko sya
kaysa sa nangyari. Wala na. Wala nang magagawa. Wala na. (Laughs) Okay lang ako. .
R:Okay po. So before po ninyo maexperience yung pagiging suicide survivor nga po, ano po
yung pagkatingin niyo sa suicide in general? Like kunyari po may nakikita kayong balita sa tv,
kayo po before what happened kay ***. Papano niyo po natetake yung news about suicide?
P: Actually parang wala lang, iniisip ko lang sinasayang nila buhay nila. Kasi ako to be honest
takot ako mamatay. Pero kay *** yung ginawa niya, yun nga syempre napakaselfish niya iniwan
niya kami. Yung mararamdaman namin di man nya inisip. Ang selfish niya. Pero sa kabilang
banda, napakatapang niya kasi ako ayokong harapin si kamatayan. Siya hinarap niyang
minsanan.
R:So after niyo pong maexperience experience niyo po kay *** may nagbago naman po ba doon
sa?
P: Malaki. Malaking malaki. Doon sa dalawang anak-anakan ko at saka sa tunay kong anak,
binabatayan ko sila nang husto ngayon. Ahhh yung dalawang anak-anakan ko kahit di niyo
tiantanong broken family din sila. Para sa akin kasi, isang factor yon. May broken family bas a
inyo? Ahh kaya binabantayan ko sila. Then pag nastress sila sa pagaaral nila, actually weekly
kinakamusta ko sila kung okay lang sila na hindi ko nagawa kay ***. Yon, second inikot ni ***
yung buhay ko ng 360 degrees. Hindi ako Catholic. Sa paniniwala namin, kapag patay na ang
isang tao wala na. Pero ako, pumupunta pa ako ng sementeryo kinakausap ko sya. Para nga
akong ano. Alam ko sa religion namin na hindi dapat ginagawa yon. Pero ganoon giangawa ko
pag once pumunta ako ng sementeryo.
R:So until now po binibisita niyo pa rin si *** pag may time?
P: Yes. Second death anniversary niya kahapon. Actually di ako nakapunta kasi pumatak siya ng
school days. By Saturday, doon ko palang siya mapupuntahan. Noong first anniversary naman
niya, death anniversary di rin ako nakapunta pero nakapunta ako ng maaga kasi nagpromise ako
sa family ko na dadalhin ko sila sa Baguio. Eh eksakto yung day din. Kaya pumunta kami ng
maaga with my wife. Siguro sabi ko nga, sabi ko pupunta ako. Sabi niya sasama siya. Feeling ko
naintindihan niya ako kasi sumama siya e.
R:So this was ever since nakausap niyo sya about kung ano po yung saloobin niyo about it?
P: Yes.
R:So at least naman po naging positive yung naging pag-accept ng wife niyo.
R:So aside po doon sa help ng guidance, help ng asawa niyo doon. Ano pa po yung ibang
nakatulong sa inyo para medyo kahit di pa fully accepted para marealize ang mga bagay-bagay?
P: Usually tinitingnan ko lang Facebook account niya. Mga pictures niya. Nanghihinayang. Sabi
ko maliban doon sa di niya nakikita ang tatay niya, nakakaintindi naman siya sa pagaaral niya,
may itsura naman siya, may kaya sila. Di ko lang maintindihan. Nakakapuzzle kasi, ‘yun ang
gusto kong malaman at ang pinakamasakit pa kasi di ko maaccept. Yun nga sabi ko, di ako
Catholic. Sa paniniwala namin kapag nagpakamatay ang isang tao wala siya diyan. Eh ang sabi
ko nga ang di ko maaccept, mamatay man ako ngayon di ko siya makikita. Hinding-hindi na
kami magkikita. Mabigat. Mabigat. Yun ang kailangan ko pang mahilom dun sa sugat ko,
hinding-hindi na kami magkiktia kahit kailan dahil nga sa paniniwala namin wala sya doon.
R:Okay lang po kayo? Kaya pa po ba?
P: Okay lang ako. (Laughs) Mas okay ako ngayong nagsasalita dito kaysa sa guidance. Dun
buhos talaga. Buhos luha.
R:Understandable naman po. Mabigat po talaga yung…
R:Opo. Sobrang unexpected po kasi.
P: Sana nga nagkasakit nalang siya e. At least kahit nagkasakit nakikita mo siya nandyan. Kung
nagkasakit, or nagkasakit siya. Hindi e. Iba kasi. Ito yung frst time na maeencounter na kakilala
ko yung… Tapos kaclose ko pa. Actually bago siya namatay, namatayan din ako ng kaibigan
kaya noong Friday di kami nagkita kasi pumunta akong Sapang Bato. Pero noong pumunta ako
doon di man ako.. Hindi ako umiyak kahit kaibigan ko siya, matagal na rin kaming di nagkikita
parang ‘Bro sige pahinga kana.’ Yon nagkasakit naman. Kaysa naman sa iniinda mo yung sakit,
pero hindi tulad neto. Di kay *** na iba.
R: Iba po talaga yung naging ano…
P: Oo. Kasi nga kasalukuyan ko siyang kasama diba kaysa doon sa isa matagal na rin kaming
dahil lassmate ko siya noong college. After graduation nagkahiwalay na kami although nagkikita
kami minsan pero hindi na palagi. Unlike kay ano, halos araw-araw ko siyang nakikita. ‘Yun nga
noong Friday ko siya di nakita bago ko umalis na lahat yata ng tao nakita siya sa school. Unfair
sabi ko. Dapat nagpaalam ka sa akin.
R:Hindi niyo po siya estudyante nung araw na ‘yon?
P: Hindi. Ibang year na siya.
R:Pero naging estudyante niyo po siya?
P: First year. First sem. Nagyari yon, second year na siya. Second sem. Pero yung
communication namin...
R:Ah okay po.
R:Constant.
P: One more pa yung mga text messages niya, lagi kong binabasa. Kunwari buhay pa sya.
Nagtetext pa rin naman ako sa number niya kasi nageexist pa rin naman yung number niya. Sabi
nga ng mommy nya, ‘Wag kana lang maghintay sir na magreply.’ Kapag may nagreply doon,
itatapon ko yung phone ko.
R:Pero nasa mom pa rin po ba yung phone?
P: Oo.
R:Ah okay po. Would you say po na isa po talaga siguro sa biggest factor kung nahihirapan po
kayo sa acceptance kumbaga open ended question pa rin siya e. Kumbaga may bakit pa rin po.
P: Yes. Yes. Mahirap kasing magbintang,. Alam naman namin yung kwento behind. Pero
mahirap kasing magbintang. Natanong ko kasi kung sino yung huli niyang kausap, huli niyang
katext kasi gising siya hanggang 11. Siguro dahil nagrereview pero may katext siya e.
Naakakapagtweet pa siya.
R:Never niyo po bamg nalaman kung sino?
P: Nalaman ko. Pero mahirap magbintang. Kailangan ko bang sabihin?
R: Ay hindi hindi. Okay lang po.
R: With your case po yung nakakatulong po sa inyo is yung pagremember sakanya.
P: Yes yun nalang. Wala na.
R:Yun nga po kasi, yung purpose nga po ng study kasi nga po sa Philippines pag narinig na
suicide parang they blame the victim and the people around the victim pero parang each of them
naman po has a story behind bakit ganoon, bakit ganoon. There is always a why. Yun po sana
yung gusto naming bigyan ng parang light upon it. Para maintindihan kumbakit, at ano rin yung
nararamdaman noong ibang tao nasa paligid kasi parang unfair po na pati sila nabeblame.
P: Kaya nga sabi ko nga hindi kami nagbintang. Ang akin nalang is desisyon niya yon. Desisyon
niya yon. Pero yon. Kung naririnig mo to ***. Sound check. Yun kasing unang binuka kong
bibig nung nasa nagalit kasi ako sakanya sabi ko ‘Selfish ka. Napakaselfish mo. Yung emotion
mo lang ang inintindi mo. Paano naman kami? Yung naramdaman mo lang ang inintindi mo. Di
mo man lang kami inintinding mga taong nagmamahal sayo. Alam naming di kami perfect. Alam
kong di rin perfect ang mother mo. Di perfect ang pero. Di rin ako perfect as tatay-tatayan mo
pero ginawa namin ang best namin. ‘Yun ang alam namin.’ Ahhh.
R:Okay lang po kayo?
P: Okay lang ako.
R: Sige sir.
P: Okay lang ako. (Laughs). Masakit lang kasi kahit two years. Ang inaano ko lang sana may
mga taong wag siyang kalimutan. ‘Yun lang naman e. Kasi parang naging unfairnaman na kinitil
niya yung buhay niya di ko alam kung anuman. Kung anuman yung reason pero sana yung mga
nagawa niya, mga natulungan niya, yung natouch yung buhay nila wag lang matapos dahil
namatay na. Di ko pinaniniwalaan dati yon. Yun ang binago niya sa buhay ko.
R:Sa religious aspect po talaga yung…
P: Di kami naglalagay ng flowers. Di rin kami pumupunta ng sementeryo once nailibing na ang
namatay pero ginagawa ko. Although sinabi ko. Tinanong ko naman kung pwede. Pwede naman.
Although wag mong kakausapin, wag kang magpepray, wag kang maglight ng candle. Yon di
ko. Pero yung pray, hindi. Light ng candle.. Pero di ko magawang di ko siya kausapin. Kasi
sayang naman. Ang layo-layo Minalin. From Porac to Minalin. Although alam ko namang
walang sasagot. Kasi kung may sasagot, tatakbo ako. ‘Yon. Yung sana, kasi parang sayang lang
kung meron man siyang nakaaway or what. Natalo pa. Siya buhay kung meron pang kaaway kasi
di namin alam kung ano.
R:Yung nakatulong din po ba sa medyo pagaccept niyo pero di pa fully accept, sa grieving ano
pa po yung nakatulong. Kunwari friends po?
P: Yung paguusap namin ng mother niya. Kasi dati di kami naguusap ng mother niya. Kasi ako
tatay-tatayan niya. Yung mother niya kinakaya-kaya niya bakit di ako. Hanggang ngayon alam
kong denial siya at nagpapakastrong siya. And one more kailangan kong maging strong para sa
family ko. Actually isa kasi sa sinumbat ng buhay ko, parehas kasi kaming namatayan noong
time na ‘yon. Iba kasi sayo sabi ko dahil elementary ang hinahandle mo. Iba s amin at wala
naman kaming ugynayan non. Di man kami naguusap noon. Eh ito pinapanood ko pa to pag
naglalaro. Sabi ko nga, kung di tayo mag-asawa ngayon for sure ang dami naming memories ni
***. Pero binabalance ko dahil may family ako na iniiwasan ko na magtampo ngayon umabot
din pala doon.
R:Nalaman niyo lang po yun after po nung mangyrai na may ganong nararamdaman pala wife
niyo?
P: Di ko man alam.
R:Parang it opened so many realizations doon sa part niyo po.
P: Tinanong ko naman sa kanila na kahit iniiyakan ko siya gabi-gabi, ‘Una nagkulang ba ako?
Di naman ah. Lahat naman ng bagay na kailangan niyo binibigay ko. Suporta. Nagkulang ba
ako?’ ‘Hindi naman. Pero nararamdaman lang namin na mas higit siya.’ Yun. So doon ako
nasaktan. Pero siguro okay na, lumipas na.
R: Buti naman po.

P: Iba yung kwento ko no? Iba kasi di ko talaga siya kaano-ano pero tinamaan ako ng husto sa
pagkawala niya.
R:Actually nagulat din po kami kasi ang nilapitan namin mom niya. Tapos kayo yung naunang
namention. So we thought nga po ma close talaga. As per a parent na ang maisasuggest na ang
closest person pa sa taong ‘yon would be somone na hindi naman niya kadugo or di naman niya
kabarkada sa school ganon. Talagang ang una nya pong naisip is kayo po. Msut be a connection
po talaga like family.
P: Actually noong iadd mo ko sa facebook.
R:Opo.
P: Sabi ko sino ba ‘to? Di ako nag-aadd basta basta. Kaya tingnan mo mga estudyante ko
nagcomment. Nabasa mo ba? Nagcomment sila. Di ko nga maintindihan kung ano yung mga
pinagsasasabi nila. Di ako basta-basta nagaccept ng mga nag-aadd sa akin siguro ‘yun nga para
dumating ‘tong puntong to inaccept ko siya. Parang madaling araw ko ata inaccept yon or gabi.
R:Di ba this week nyo lang po inaccept. Mga gabi po yon.
R: Ah so before po di po kayo sinabihan ni tita ***.
P: Hindi
R:Ah akala po namin nasabi niya po na sinuggest niya..
P: Wala siyang binanggit kaya noong sinabi mong ‘yun nga maiinterview kinontact ko muna
siya. Respeto sa mom nya.
R:Noong una po akala ko po sinabi niya po nya sa inyo. Pero hindi pa po pala
P: Wala. As in blangko. As in blangko. Kaya noong ano sino ba si pin?
R: Kaya po pala medyo surprising.
P: Tapos UP? Wala naman akong estudyanteng nagaaral sa UP.
R:Sorry po medyo random.
R: Halos lahat po ng participants namin random kais social media na po talaga kami
nakakapagcontact po. Ah eto nalang sir, buti naopen up niyo po yung. Curious lang po kami
yung acceptance po ng tao. Or kung paano nila o they say o sinasabi ba nila sa mga tao na, ‘Ah
oo na wala sya dahil suicide’. Or mas marami na hindi basta wala na siya?
P: Yung nariirnig ko lang na kwentuhan bakit nila nagawa may sariling opinion lang ng mga
nagkekwentuhan. Broken family usually ng mga nagpakamatay. Broken family. So factor yon.
Pero yung nakakapagtrigger, di natin alam. Ang nakakainis pa, namatay na nga siya ginagawan
pa siya ng issue. Yung ganon. Tulad nung huli, parang ang sinisisi nila yung teacher. Yun ang
narinig ko. Tapos yung dati, nastress sila sa mga pagaaral. Syempre part ng pagaaral mastress. Di
mo naman basta-basta magegain yon. Mga ganyan. Yon. Respeto nalang kung anong desisyon
nila.
R:Yung mga families po ba or kahit other students po sa school lalo na po yung mga close o
talaga sa mga nawala po, sila po ba kapag ka tinatanong sila kung anong nangyari sa kaibigan
mo. Or kahit kayo po personally pag tinatanong kung anong nangyari kay *** paano po usually
ang response na nakukuha niyo po? Di naman po tinatago o pero parang iniiwas nalang?
P: Hindi. Binabanggit ko talagang ano. Talaga namang alam nilang nagbiti siya. Yung reason
talagang hindi namin alam. So di kami nagtatago or what. Di talaga namin alam. Kaya kahit
anong plit ko sa mom niya kasi gusto kong malaman.
R:Actually most po talaga.
R:Yan po talaga yung commonality based sa mga interviews po. Parang there’s the why. Di po
talaga alam kung ano.
P: Yung dilemma ngayon lalo na dun sa last na nabalitaan namin na ang sinisisi yung teacher.
Parang nagiging unfair naman sa part namin ‘yon na kami ang reason. Bakit hindi mo nalang
tingnan kung sila ba di nagkulang sa anak nila? Parang sana wala namang sisihan. Desisyon nila
yun e. Tapos ngayon may mga teachers na natatakot na kunwari failed yung bata. Di nila
madesisyunan ngayon kung ifail pa or ipapass. Where in naging bias naman kung pipass mo
kung nafail siya. Natatakot sila na
R:Baka makaapekto pa po…
P: Ako nga nagjojoke nga ako e, ‘Kung sino man ang bumagsak sa inyo pag ginawa niyo yon
wag niyong ilalagay yung pangalan niyo sa papel. Or pangalan ko tapos nakahawak. Kahit patay
na kayo talagang papatayin ko kayo.’ Sabi ko.
R:Nadadawit kayo.
P: Baka kasi gawing panakot ng ibang estudyante, ‘Sir pag di mo kami pinasa magpapakamatay
kami.’ Yun ang gusto naming iwork ngayon sa mga estudyante.
R:Siguro ano, parang last na po ito. Ano nalang po yung gusto niyong iadvice sa mga tao who
are going through what you’ve gone through and they’re going through now na mawalan ng
loved one by suicide. Ano yung gusto niyong iadvice sa kanila?
P: I think Una, doon sa may planong gumawa ng pamilya, isipin muna nila kung magtatagal sila.
Unang una kasi pag naghiwalay ang kawawa dyan yung mga bata. Di man nila sinasabi, affected
sila. Okay? Merong mga ‘yon. May mga bata na malalakas ang loob I mean kinakaya yung
problem. Pero may weight na kailangan nating ijive sana ‘yon iwasan. Number one kasi naiisip
ko broken family kaya nila ginagawa yon. ‘Yon. Then bantayan lagi, iguide yung mga anak
hangga’t kahit acutally yung minsan nga kahit may mgaasawa na yan habang buhay as parent
ijive pa rin natin sila. Yun lang.
R:Yun tapos na po.
Interview Transcript of Cheska

R- Researchers
P- Cheska
R: “First, ano yung relationship mo sa nag-commit ng suicide?”

P: “Tito ko siya, kapatid ni Mama.”
R: “How was your relationship with him?”
P: “Well okay naman kasi kami. For – everytime na bababa siya ng barko -- seaman kasi siya –
merong time na nagbabakasyon siya sa ‘min, pero bata pa ‘ko nun. Mga… uh, I guess… if not…
twelve, thirteen, fourteen, mga ganun. So, close naman kasi kagi niya ako binibigyan ng food
haha. Parang pet lang, pero oo, okay siya, okay siya.”
R: “ Tapos, uh… kelan, kelan niya ginawa yun?”

P: “Last… February. Last year. Ay, ‘pap-jah’. Kelan ang ‘pap-jah’? January? February?”
R: “February.”
R: “January.”
P: “January.”
R: “Last week ‘diba?”
P: “A week after… last week ng January sa inyo… and then… February… February first
week… basta a week after PAPJA. Exactly a week.”
R: “Paano niya gin – anong… parang, anong nangyari?”
P: “Charot, haha. Ano?”
R: “Naiiyak ka na ba?”
P: “Hindi naman. Anong panong nangyari?
R: “Anong – anong nangyari… yung suicide.”
P: “Yung case ng Tito ko, hind -- malabo. Sinasabing suicide siya pero may nagsabing
homicide... Oo. Pero, yung final na parang ano sa kanya, verdict, suicide. Daw. Nakabigti –
nagbigti siya using wire ng kuryente na makapal sa may hagdanan.”
R: “… sa bahay nila?”
P: “Sa bahay niya, kasi uh… yung – may apartment na iniwan yung Lola kong namatay para sa
kanya tapos, first floor second floor, hinati yun. Ginawang – pinapaupahan tapos yung second
floor sa kanya. So dun siya sa hagdanan paakyat sa kuwart – sa room niya nagbigti. Pero… ayun,
using yung wire na pangkabit.”
R: “Mag-isa siya sa bahay? Wala siyang kasama?”
P: “Siya lang mag-isa. Pero ang funny dun, kapitbahay ni Tito ko yung Tita ko, kapatid niya, ate
niya, tas yun pinaka nag-aalaga sa kanya kasi yung iba niyang kapatid yung iba – kami for
example nasa Pampanga, yung iba sa Cavite, Laguna, hiwa-hiwalay kami. Pinakamalapit yung
Tita ko. Pati dun sa mental hospital kasi na-rehab siya for two years yata… na-rehab siya, after
nun. Tas na-release siya earlier, dapat hindi pa. Kaso, naubusan na ng budget since private yung
facility. Di kami nag-public, kasi pag public non-sense din naman ‘di siya gagaling ‘dun so
private, pero nakulangan ng pera so nag-early release siya. So tR ira siya sa apartment nga, tas
parang naging sobrang dependent siya dun sa Tita ko to the point na yung Tita ko nagsawa na.
Naiinis na siya. Since yung Tita kong yun may anak siyang… uh, may… Down – ah hindi Down
Syndrome, autism? Tapos yung asawa niya may sakit sa puso. Tas yung Ate ko yung pinaka
bread winner. So, nagegets ko naman yung may sarili na siyang baggage ‘diba, ng problems, tas
dagdag pa yung Tito ko na sobrang nagiging dependent sa kanya. So dun nagka-problema,
parang yung way ng pakikitungo sa kanya ng Tito ko.”
R: “Nag-iba.”
P: “Grabe. Na-witness ko yun. Di siya ganon, yung Tita ko. Di ko alam kung ano nangyari.
Alam ko matalas yung bibig niya, pero yung pakikitungo niya dun sa Tito ko, iba talaga. Kasi
nung nasa mental pa yung Tito ko, rehab, okay siya. Kasi siya nagpapa – dR adalaw sa Tito ko.
Okay naman siya eh. Pero nung lR abas na siya, naging sobrang dependent na sa Tita ko. Parang
naging pabigat na siya. Yun ang pagkaka-ano ko ah, nung nag-explain yung Tita ko. ‘Sobrang
pabigat na siya sa kin. Meron akong sakit, nagkaka-sakit na ako tas dadagdag pa ‘ba to?’ Tas at
the same time, yung area ng Manila na yun, Pandacan, possible siyang wasakin, kasi gagawing
Skyway. So lahat nung mga nakatira dun, sisirain yung bahaym ililipat sila sa Bulacan. So
another lipat, [INAUDIBLE] hindi lang sa kanya pati sa Tito ko. So inisip ng Tito ko, ‘pano pag
lR ipat ‘to? Sino kasama ko, mamatay ako’. Mga ganung bagay. So… ayun. Layo ng kwento ko
‘no? Tinatanong nyo kung pano siya namatay? Tapos bigla parang… yung unang nakakita sa
Tito ko na namatay, yung Tita ko. Pero nung dR ating na yung pulis dun, yung everyone, malinis
na yung crime scene. Kinwento na lang niya kung pano nakita yung Tito ko na namatay.”
R: “Ahh, kaya may angle…”
P: “Tapos, nugn nandun din ako, diba nga a week before ‘pap-jah’ dun kasi ako natulog, di ako
nag-hotel. Tapos alam ko nang may problema na yung Tito ko. Nag-stay ako dun sa bahay ng
Tita ko, tapos, naririnig ko yung Tito ko sa first floor, kasi yung bahay ng Tita ko pataas,
tinatawagan yung Tita ko tapos sR isigaw, parang nanghihingi siya ng something tas yung Tita
ko naiirita na. ‘Tignan mo yung Tito mo chene-chene-chene-chene, ganyan. Tapos, naghihiram
sa akin ng kutsilyo, ayoko pahiramin ng kutsilyo kasi baka kung anong gawin nun sa sarili niya.
Palagi niyang sinasabi na magpapakamatay na siya, na-stress na ‘ko. Tapos, ulit-ulit yung Tito
ko na ganun, tas pinagmR ura ng Tita ko. Alam mo yung gets mo siya, may [INAUDIBLE] din
siya and all, pero may mental ano tong taong to eh, bakit mo siya gaganyanin, papatulan. Tapos,
sabi ko, ‘bababa ba ako para mag-bless?’ Sabi niya ‘wag, wag ka na lalapit dun.’ Edi okay. So
mamayang konti, parang nakonsyensya ata siya sa ginawa niya, ‘sige, punta tayo dun sa Tito
mo’, edi punta kami dun. Tas makikita mo yung Tito ko may problema talaga siya, mapapansin
mo naman sa behavior niya eh, yung nakaupo lang siya, tas parang…”
R: “Did you feel that uh…”
P: ”Tapos yung mata, parang… oo, pero inaantok. Yung parang namula na alam mo yung parang
bagong gising, pero…”
R: “… na agitated.”
P: “Yes, yes, yes. Parang,
‘Oh, Cheska nandyan ka pala. Kamusta si Mama mo?’
‘Okay naman po.’
Tapos… malinis naman bahay niya eh. Nakakapag-perform pa naman siya ng maayos. Tas
parang ang sinabi niya
‘Eh nag-iba na yata yung number ng Mama mo?’
‘Ah opo, gusto nyo po bigay ko yung number niya, text nyo?’
‘Oo, pwede ba, pwede ba?’
Edi bibigay ko na. Sabi ng Tita ko, ‘asan na yung cellphone mo?’
‘Bakit ‘te?’ ‘Kukunin ko na yan, akin yang cellphone, di naman yan sayo eh.’
So parang, bakit mo gagawin yun?
Ganyan, basta ang reply niya, ‘di Ate tetext ko si Ate Gigi’ Nanay ko yon.
‘Siya kukunin ko na yan.’
Tas nagtatanong siya, ‘dun pa ba kayo nakatira sa dati nyong bahay?’
‘Hindi na po eh.’
‘Ah kaya pala hindi ko na alam paano punta dun’
Kasi nagbakasyon siya sa amin, dun pa sa Angeles kami nakatira. Eh lilipat na kami Mexico.
Sabi ko ‘Sige ‘to, kunin ko number mo. Text mo kami, para turo naming pano – o kaya papunta
sa dating nahay naming, susunduin ka naming don’.
‘Sige gusto ko punta don, dalaw ako.’
Tapos after nung conversation na yun, yung Tita ko, parang pinapahiya niya sa mukha ko yung –
sa harap ko yung Tito ko. ‘Alam mo ba ‘to? Ganyan ganyan ganyan… ahh… yung siga ng
yosi… ayaw ko nakikitang nagyoysi yang Tito mo eh.’ Pero more nagdadrugs din kasi siya.
‘Yosi ka ng yosi kaya di tatalab yung gamot mo’ chene chene. Di ko na maalala talaga yung
nangyari pero basta dinedegrade niya yung pagkatao. ‘Dapat mag-trabaho ka na.’ yun yung
inaano ng Tita ko, sabi niya ‘Naglabas ako ng pera para i-training ka ulit mag-seaman’ kasi may
license siya, napaso. So yung Tito ko pala nagtetraining siya nung mga panahon na yan. Isipin
mo kakagaling niya ng mental hospital tas inoobligado siya ng Tita ko na ‘mag-training ka na,
para mag-trabaho ka ulit, para hindi ka na aasa sa akin’. So, papasok siya everyday, tapos para
siyang bata na pinapabaunan ng Tita ko ng pera para pambili ng pagkain. Pero ayaw naman ng
Tito ko na mag-aano… sabi niya… tas basta ang ulit-ulit niyang sinasabi sa pagkakaalala ko,
‘mamamatay ako, mamamatay ako’ sabi niya. ‘Ate wala akong trabaho, pag lipat na ‘tayo sabi sa
Bulacan, pag nag-relocate, mamatay ako.’ Tas gaganyan-ganyan siya. ‘Di ko kaya, di ko kaya na
wala ka’.
‘O ayan, sabi ko nay an, narinig ko nay an. Dependent ka na msayado sakin, tignan mo kailangna
mo pala ako’. Tas pinagmura niya. ‘Mamatay ka na lang!’ Sabi niya! Parang sabi niya kasi
‘mamatay ako’, ‘buti pa mamatay ka na lang’ sabi niya. ‘Para mawala nay un bigat ko’. Sabi
niya ‘May sakit na ako Philip, pati yung anak ko, alam mo yan.’ Blah-blah-blah. ‘Kailangan
matuto ka naman tayo sa sarili mong paa, mag-trabaho ka’. Sabi ‘hindi ko kaya’. Basta yun lang,
repeat-repeat. Tas yung Tita ko, sabi niya sakin, kinikwento nya, na itong Tito ko nag-yosi, eh
kasi yung yosi niya yung parang may effect na pag tinake niya yun tas nagtatake siya ng gamot
di eeffect yung gamot. So sayang yung pambili ng gamot, naiinis yung Tita ko. One time, inatake
ata yung Tito ko, taas yung cholesterol niya or what, inistorbo niya ngayon yung Tito ko, punta
sila ng hospital. Tas nung pauwi na daw sila, kinwento ni Tita ko mismo na ano, sabi niya, sabi
nung Tito ko daw, nung nasa daan sila, nasa highway, ‘Ate, tingin ko mamatay na ako’ ganyan
ganyan. Tas ang ginawa ng Tita ko, ‘magpapakamatay na ako’ sabi ng Tito ko. Ang ginawa ba
naman ng Tita ko, tinulak sa highway na ganun! Kinwento niya sa ‘kin! Kinwento niya sa akin
yung pinaggagagawa niya. Tinulak ba naman niya. Sabi, ‘Ate masakit’ sabi naman ng Tito ko.
‘Diba gusto mo namang mamatay? Mamatay ka na.’ ginaganun siya. Parang, kung di ka
magaayos, mamamatay ka na. Tas parang nung patapos na yung usapan, naiiyak na nga ako nun
eh. Bakit mo ginaganyan, Tito na eh – ah tapos eto pa, yung di ko malilimutan, yung, ‘Ate wala
na nag aalaga sa akin, ikaw na lang’. Di totoo yun, lahat kaming kapatid – lahat sila Mama ko,
concerned sa Tito ko, pero yun yung naging mindset niya, dahil napansin ko yung way nung sabi
ng Tita ko. ‘Wag na wag kang pupunta sa mga kapatid mo kasi di ka nila tatanggapin. Wag kang
pupunta sa kay ganito, kay, kay Ate Mimi kasi galit sa ‘yo yun, sa kanila dapat yung bahay na
tinitirhan mo. Wag kang pupunta kay Ate Yolly mo kasi kukunin lang nun pera mo. Wag kang
pupunta kay Ate Gigi’ – sa Mama ko -- ’kasi marami na siyang ginagastos, pinapaaral niya si
Cheska tsaka yung kaptid niya, si Rap-Rap, sabi niyang ganun. ‘Lalong dito wag kang pupunta
kasi peperahan ka lang nila, kukunin nila gamit mo.’ [INAUDIBLE] ‘Ako na lang, ako na lang
nag-aalaga sa ‘yo. Pero marami akong dala, kaya kailangan mong mag-trabaho. Kung hindi,
mamamatay ka’. Alam mo yung hindi naman totoo na ayaw naming siyang kunin. Gusto naming
siyang kunin. Si Mama, lalo na si Mama, kasi si Mama dati pa nakikita na niya na may problema
yung Tito ko, kasi si Mama [INAUDIBLE] siya diba? Tas nagbabakasyon siya sa amin. Nag-
start kasi siyang ma-depress, si Tito, diba ano siya, seaman siya, naka-assign siya dun sa boat na
parang cruise na… pano ba ‘to… fancy cruise, yung may inan, may mall, may hotel sa loob. Tas
one time na-assign siya dun sa cruise nan aka-standby lang sa middle of the sea, yung naka ano
lang, tas yung kasama niya puro foreigners. Tas after nun, dun siya nag-start ma-depress. Ako
ang tingin ko, sabi ko, ‘di kaya na-rape?’ kasi siya lang Pilipino dun eh, tas foreigner, puro lalaki
sila. Di ba siya – di kaya na-rape. Yun yung sabi ko sa Mama ko. Pero starting nun, napapansin
na ni Mama may problema si Philip. Sinasabi na niya dun sa mga kapatid ko – ay kapatid ni
Mama, kahit dun sa Tita ko, si Tita ano... yung nag-aalaga sa kanya. ‘May problema siya, pa-
check up na natin’. ‘Walang problema kapatid ko’. Alam mo yung in-denial. Typical in-denial
Filipino. ‘Normal lang yan, wag mo siya problemahin, okay yan, meron -- siguro napapagod lang
sa trabaho’. ‘De, may problema, pa-check up na natin’, tas ngayon, lately, parati na siyang
pinapababa ng barko earlier dun sa contract, and then, inassess yata siya, may something nga na
problema si Tito. Ang ginawa ngayon, susponsor nung company, since ano naman nila yun eh,
parang, may, may part sila dun, bakit siya nagka-ganun, susponsor. Ngayon kailngan ng consent
ng lahat ng family members, kasi yung gamot na yun, parang, kukunin siya na hindi alam ni
Tito. Syempre di naman siya sasama, so kailangan ng pirma ngayon ng mga kapatid, si Mama
lang pirma, the rest hindi. Kasi yung Tita ko parang, problema yung kapatid namin. Siya kasi
yung panganay, yung tatayong panganay kasi since patay na yung pinaka panganay.
[INAUDIBLE] Parang stigma na ‘nakakahiya, ma-mental yung kapatid mo’, yun yung pigil.
Okay, bahala kayo. Pero si Mama talaga sinasabi niya ‘may problema ‘to’. Hanggang sa okay,
meron na talaga siyang probelama, nagiging obvious na, lalala lalala lalala… kailan kailangan na
nung pera, wala nang magso-sponsor, so ambag ambag yung mga magkakapatid. Tas hindi
naman natutugunan yung gastos, tas gusto pa sa private, so napunta dyan. So yun nga, before ako
R alis sa bahay ng Tito ko, sabi ng Tita ko, ‘wag kang magugulat if mababalitaan mo na lang
bigla patay na yung Tito mo. Sinabi niya sa ‘kin yan. Tas baba na siya ng bahay, naiwan kami ng
Tito ko, tas yung Tito ko, ganun ganun pa rin. Tas parang naiiyak ako nun, sabi ko na lang, ‘Tito,
dalaw ka sa amin, basta kausapin ko sila pag-uwi.’ Tapos sabi ko, ‘nandyan lang si God, pray ka
lang. Palagi lang siyang andyan para sayo.’ Tas parang, ooo lang siya. Tas yun, a week after,
pag-uwi ko ng bahay, kinausap ko agad si Mama. ‘Mama, gaito pala yung nangyari’, and alam
naman ni Mama yung nangyari kasi kinukwento nung Tito ko kay Mama yung pinaggagagawa
niya, pero nung nakit ko mismo ng harapan yung way ng pakikitungo niya sa Tito ko ay hindi
talaga healthy para sa mental health niya, sabi ko kay Mama. So siya naman, ‘sige, iuwi na natin
siya’. So inayos naming yung bahay, may kwarto na kami para sa kanya. Kaso si Mama, may
seminar siya ngayon sa Manila, ay sa Baguio ata, for three days. Sabi niya, ‘mag-seminar muna
ako, tas pagbalik, susuinduin na natin si Tito mo, kunin na natin siya’. Tapos yun, seminar si
Mama, pagbalik niya, edi nasa bahay na kami, luluwas siya bukas sa Manila, may tawag sa
kanya sa phone, yung Tita ko, tawag ng tawag, di niya sinasagot yung phone, naiinis kasi siya.
‘ko ‘Ma, sagutin mo na, baka importante’, sinagot niya, tas parang na-shock si Mama. ‘Ano
nangyari ‘ma?’ tas parang nabitawan niya yung phone tas [CRYING SOUND] tas nakaganyan
na lang siya tas iiyak siya tas ‘wala na si Tito mo, nagpakamatay na siya’. Tas yun.”
R:“Ano yung na-feel nyo, pano kayo nag-react?”
P: “Si Mama nag-breakdown, talagang, naka-ganyan siya oh. Tas ganun [CRYING SOUND]
para siyang… oo. Tas ako, nagulat – ayokong iiyak, kasi… parag sort of expected ko na yun.
iyak ako, after na lang. After nalaman na yun, nabigla talaga ako. Dun talaga ako iyak, nakita ko
na. Kasi ano eh, andun ako. A week before, nakausap ko siya, na nakita mo yung… ang dating
kasi sa kanya, wala na siyang hope. Kinuha ng TIta ko yun sa kanya eh. Parang, yun ang alam
niya, ‘Ate walang merong gustong kuha sa ‘kin, ikaw na lang, ikaw na lang’. Alam mo yung TIta
ko hero para sa kanya kahit ganun siya pakitunguan. Hindi niya kaya iwan kasi siya na lang yung
nagccare sa kanya.Tapos yun… ang alam nya wala nang may gusto sa kanya, sa mga kapatid
niya. So… nakakalungkot, syempre, yung nangyari. Tapos sabi nga nila, sobra kasing sketchy
nung pagkamatay niya eh.”
R:“Yung angle ba na it’s a possible homicide, brining up nyo ba or parang sa inyo inyo lang yun
or pti yung plice mismo yung nag…”
P: “Kasi, nung dating dun yung Police-SOCO, ang sabi, malinis na yung lugar. Parang,
pagkakita ng Tita ko, tinawag lang niya pamandin, yung asawa niya. Hindi siya yung ‘aahhh’
sigaw. Parang, ‘kapitbahay, tulong tulong, patay na yung…’ hinde. Uhm, tinawag… iyak daw
siya tas tinawag nya yung asawa nya, then after nun dating na yung pulis, malinis na yung lugar.
Pero ang pagkakakwento… ang weird nga eh kasi ang ikli nung hagdan, tapos kung magbibigti
siya, ganto lang yung distance niya sa floor, so kaya nya… ang dating dun, nagsikap siyang
magpakamatay, gets? Effort. Kasi yung ano niya, sobrang daming assption na nangyari dun, tas
iniisip namin, ang sa point of view ng, SOCO sa suicide, nag-effort siya mag-suicide, talagang
sinakal niya yung sarili niya. Kasi if hindi siya magtitilt – kumbaga kasi pag nakatayo siya
maapakan nya yung floor, so ang ginawa niya, nakatilt siyang ganun, parang nakalutang siya. So
dun siya namatay. Ang sabi naman nung iba, nung kuya ko, kasi ang kuya nagtatrabaho siya sa
wires, nung tinignan niya yung wire, sabi niya, ‘Kuya’, kinausap niya kasi yung isa kong kuya,
‘Kuya bat ganun yung wire, walang lukot, diretso lang siya’. E diba more – any wire kapag
nlukot mo, merong coil….foil… something… yes, pero wala, nakita nya kasi yung wire. Tapos,
nung dating yung SOCO dun, nag-waive yung Tita ko na wag nang magpa-investigate kasi sa
side nung nangyari. Ni hinid man kang niya hinintay yung mga kapatid, nag-waiver lang siya
agad na ‘wag nyo nang imbestigahan kasi nagpakamatay yung kapatid ko’. Ni hindi na siya nag
– hindi na nag-undergo ng investigation. Pero ang alam ko, ayon sa autopsy, meron siyang blunt
trauma sa bandang likod din. Kumbaga pinuk – meron siyang bukol na something sa likod.
Iniisip naman namin kaya siya nakaganyan kasi pinilit niyang wag matal – kasi hindi siya
nakatali eh, naka-ikot lang eh, so kailangan niyang suportahan para ano. Ang sabi naman ng iba,
sabi naman nung homicide part, nakaganyan siya kasi pinipigilan niya yung sumasakal sa kanya
from behind, kasi kung bigti yun, dapat wala kang marks dito sa likod, kasi paganun siya eh,
diba? Pero yung marks niya, buong leeg, so sobrang ano… tapos ang main… alam mo yung
nagbblame game sila, nakakaloka silang magkakapatid. Ang main suspect yung Tita ko. Pero ba
– alam mo naman yung iisipin mo na, ‘kapatid mo yun eh, bakit nya papatayin yun’, pero hindi
ko rin alam, kasi sabi ko, Mama, ‘wag mong isara yung’ – sa Mama… ko, ‘Imposible nak,
kapatid nya yun, kapatid naming yun’, sabi ko ‘Ma, wag mong isasara yung posibilidad na
ganun’.
R:‘Lalo na nakita mo yung…”

P: “Di ko malilimutan yun. Alam mo yung nung nasa second floor kami, tinatawag siya, inis na
inis yun Tita ko, kinuha nya yung baso ko ng tubig, binuhos nya sa mukha ng Tito ko. ‘Susunod
na bR alik ka ditto, ihi naman ibubuhos ko sa mukha mo’. Diba. Makikita mo talaga yung hatred,
parang mayhatred talaga… sobra… alam mo yung sobrang hopeless na ng taong ‘to, ikaw na
lang yung kinakapitan niya, ikaw na lang yung nakikita nya, tas bakit ginaganyan mo pa. Tapos
sa kanya pa galling mismo, inuutos, ‘mamatay ka na, mamatay ka na’, tas namatay siya a week
after.”
R:“May blame ba sa Tita mo?”
P: “May part – ayoko isipin na siya pR atay, pero hindi man niya pinatay physically, verbally.”
R:“Tsaka yung mental push.”
P: “Ang laking factor nun, ang laking factor nun.”
R:“At tsaka lalo na na open, parang open yung Tito mo sa ideations niya, sinasabi niya sa Tita
nya – Tita mo na, papakamatay na siya, ganun, parang tipong ang kapal na…”
P: “Yun na eh, oo, sinasabi niya palagi… kasi naiinis na daw niya siya, kasi araw-araw na lang
sinasabi niya ‘nag-aalala na ako, hanggang sa dumating sa point na nagsawa na ‘ko, kung gusto
mo mamatay magpakamatay ka na’. Meron siyang term na sinabi eh –“
R:“So hindi yun reverse psychology eh, talagang, meant it nya yun na… pakamatay na, ganyan.”
P: “Di ko alam kung ano ibig nya sabihin nun, pero sabi niya, ‘kung gusto mo na mamatay
ngayon mamatay ka na para minsanang libing na lang’. Tas dumating yung Tita ko from U-S,
sabi niya, parang, naiintindihan niya yung Tito ko abroad sila kasi lahat ng family members
namin abroad, nag-work, if not abroad, sa sea. Alam niya yung yung di mo alam yung struggle
ng nag-iisa ka lang, na-abroad ka, tas gaganyanin nya pa. So siya yung nagpa – gusto nya ipa-
open yung investigation kasi possible homicide siya, pero hindi na lang binuksan kasi masakit
malaman yung truth at tsaka nag-aaway-away na silang magkakapatid. Hanggang ngayon, di
kami good. Nung nag-o-OJT ako dun ako nag-stay sa Tita ko, siya yung parang nagkupkop sa
kin nung nadun ako, so hinid ko inexpect na after ng ilang months, after six months, pagbalik ko,
bakit nya nasasabi ‘to. Sobrang may nag-change din sa kanya. Tita kong yun… sad lang. Tas
kawawa si Mama, kasi bineblame niya yung sarili nya. ‘If hindi ako pumunta sa seminar, baka
buhay pa yung Tito mo’. Tas every time din may – ka-close ko kasi yung Ate ko, anak nung Tita
ko – aminado din siya. ‘Di naman meant ni Mama yun eh, di naman’ ulit-ulit nya. Pero syempre,
nanay nya yun, so kakampihan nya yung nanay nya, gusto nya lang talaga si Tito i-push na mag-
trabaho, pero, yes, oo, minsan, nakakinis na talaga siya, pero di naman talaga meant ni Mama
yun… yung mga sinasabi nya. Tapos, another thing, a day before magpakamatay yung Tito ko,
or nung mamatay siya, nag-away pala sila ng Tita ko. Major away.
R:“Pano?”
P: “Kinwento ng Ate ko lang sa ‘kin. Tsaka yung mga kapitbahay, kasi taklesa yung Tita ko.
Like, palengke na naririnig ng lahat. And Manila, sobrang dikit-dikit ng mga bahay dun,
naririnig nila lahat, nakikita nila pano pakitunguhan yung Tito ko ng Tita ko. Parang pupunta sila
sa N-B-I ata, one of the requirements para dun sa training nya, kailangan nyang kumuha nito,
sasamahan siya ng Tito ko. Ngayon, di ko maalala if nahuli niyang nag-yosi bago UMalis or
nahuling gUMising, either of the two, so nainis ngayon yung Tita ko, nag-away sila ng major, tas
after nilang mag-away, di natuloy yung lakad, nag-stay na daw yung Tito ko dun sa bahay buong
araw, tas yun na.”
R:“Tuloy-tuloy na.”
P: “Yun na yung pag-uwi ng TIta ko galing sa kung saan man siya pUMunta – UMaga yun ah,
UMaga sila nag-away – tapos nung gabi na, mga six or seven PM, seven PM to eight, six to eight
PM, nagkatok-katok na yung Tita ko sa bahay, walang sUMasagot daw, pagbukas nya nung
pinto, dun niya nakitang nakabigti yung Tito ko. Yun.”
R:“So malaki yung effect sa family.”
P: “Oo, sobra. Ano ka ba, hanggang ngayon, hindi good yung family namin.”
R: “This is lahat, lahat ng magkakapatid, hindi pa rin…”
P: “Lalo na kasi yung Tita ko, ano yu eh, siya yung parang… iba, iba powers niya haha parang,
ng bibig niya. Magaling siyang mag-salita. Mabait siyang tao. Siya yung taong mabait kapag
kaibig niya, pero iba siya… tapos another thing, naniniwala siya sa manghuhula. Merong ganun
eh. Kasi yung lolo ko, meron siyang kaibigan na manghuhula. Ewan ko, kung anong sinasabi
nun, sinusunod nya, I swear. Parang santo yung turing dun sa tao, kapag sinabi ni ganyan na
mangyayari to, mangyayari naman na – and then kapag sabi ni [INAUDIBLE] na may tinatago si
[INAUDIBLE], nangyayari. Kaya sabi ko kay Mama, ‘Ma wag mong sasara yung possibility ni
– na hindi pinatay ni – pwedeng hindi suspect si Tita kasi sobrang lakas ng power ng isang taong
to sa kanya na ag sinabi talaga nito, gagawin nya. Alam mo yun. Tapos and the thing pa, kapag
ginawa nya yun it’s for the good. So yun.”
R: “Ikaw, pano ka na-affect...Medyo close kayo ganyan, tapos a week before dUMalaw ka pa.”
P: “Ano, antagal ko ding na-shock, kasi after ng ‘pap-jah’ inisip ko na yun. Tinext ko agad si
Mama, ganito pala, and since may alam tayo diba? Yung psych, kahit papano nakakaintindi ka,
alam mong hindi healthy yung environment niya. So, concerned din ako sa Tito ko kasi
nakakaawa siya, eh mabait yun. Yun ang character ng – madami kasing magkakapatid sa
[INAUDIBLE] diba? Yun ang characteristic ng babaeng magkakapatid [INAUDIBLE],
matapang, pero ang lalaki, sobrang hina emotionally. Pero sobrang mabait. Mabait yung Tito ko,
alam nyo yun. Tapos, isa din yung, uhm, nagpapa-bible study siya sa min, so nakita ko naman
yung sikap niya na gusto nyang gUMaling. Tapos isa ding effect nun yung nakikita ko si Mama
na sinisisi nya hindi ibang tao eh, sinisisi nya yung sarili. ‘Kung mas maaga lang ako dR ating,
natulungan ko sana siya’. If naging assertive sa pagpapagamot ng Tito ko, hindi sana mangyayari
yan. Mga ganung bagay. So more on ganun yung effect niya sa kin, I mean …uh… for a week na
yun, for one week, kasi one week yung pagitan diba, before nung death niya, inisip ko yun.
Tsaka pa nagpaplan na kami, tas yung okay na lahat, ready na, eto na yung kwarto niya, tas
biglang namatay siya, biglang nasira yung plano nay un. So yung effort nawala, at the same time
yung hope namin na… gagaling siya, na makakasama naming siya, nawala, so nakakalungkot.
Sobrang big deal kasi sa kin na suicide pa talaga, kasi other than sa Tito ko, andami kong friends
na nag-attempt. Siya lang yung naging successful. Pero meron akong friend na ilang beses na
muntikan talaga siya. Ewan ko na ganun sila, bago sila magpakamatay or after tatawagan nila
ako, kaya …hindi ko lang masyado pinapahalata pero big deal talaga sa akin yan. As much as
possible, I give time to listen. Kahit yung one time, may friend ako, nanonood ako ng sine,
biglang tR awag. Wala lang, UMiiyak lang siya the whole phone call. Tapos the next day ko
nalaman na she tried to drink so many pills or biogesic ewan ko, na pinaghalo-halo, at the same
time beer. Na-ospital siya. Yun, nung tUMawag tawag siya yun pala yung before siya UMinom,
ng sobrang daming gamot, tas naospital siya hindi ko alam kung ano nangyari sa kanya di ko
alam kailan ko na lang nalaman na nag-attempt pala siya mag-suicide. So yung effect sa akin na
parang wala akong nagawa, nakinig lang ako pero, parang sabihin ko na nakinig lang ako pero
walang any action na nangyari para mapigilan ko yung bagay nay un. Kasi sobrang hirap nila
kausapin, di mo alam pano. Gusto mo sabihin ‘okay lang yan’ eh hindi naman okay eh. Tsaka,
ang hirap anohin nung mindset nila. Parang sarado kasi sila eh about sa nararamdaman nila. O
kaya uhm, ‘eventually magiging okay lang yan’, di talaga. [INAUDIBLE] Hope eh, yun yung,
ewan ko para sa akin sa observation ko, yung hope yung nawawala. Yun lang.”
R:“Kung may guilt…”
P: “Meron. Everytime may guilt. Palagi. Pero as much as possible, binabawi.”
R:“So pano ka nag-cope dun sa mga emotions mo. Tsaka dun sa… kunwari dIba nakita mo yung
Mama mo na down, anong ginawa mo?”
P: “You just parang ano lang… first of all, parang nagsisimula sakin. Parang minsan kina-calm
ko yung sarili ko. While sobrang laking factor na nagbabasa ako ng Bible… religion and
spirituality. Kasi alam mo after all these things everything’s gonna be okay. Kasibeyond your
control na eh, yung ganyang mga bagay. So yun yung mga resort ko, kasi kung wala kang ganun,
wala kang paniniwala na merong tao – or hindi, hindi tao – merong someone na magfifix ng
ganito. Siguro depressed ka na lang. Pero hindi, alam ko kasi eh ang magagawa ko lang is
mabigay yung time and presence ko sa mga toang ganyan. Pero uhm, yun. Read ng Bible kasi
yun yung nagbibigay ng hope, kasi yun yung nawala. Pero pag may Bible ka, maibabalik mo
yung hope kasi nandun si God na alam mo after everything aayusin nya yung lahat. So sa
Mommy ko din, ganun. Andun lang ako palagi sa kanya. Di mo yan fault, di mo yan fault. Well
yes, may fault kang slight, pero everyone… it’s everybody fault kung bakit yun nangyari. Pero…
yun ang sinasabi ko kay Mama, you were nothing but good to him. Uh, bibilhan niya ng one year
supply ng gamot… kapag depressed yung Tito ko. Yung mga Tito ko sa amin tumatakbo, dun
sila nagsstay, natutulog… dun silang lahat, kasi may ginawa ka. So ganun lang, think positively.
Ganun kasi akong tao. Always look at the bright side, di ko tinitignan yung -- wala akong time
malungkot. So nalulungkot din ako minsan-minsan talaga, pero tinitignan ko yung bright side. So
kahit wala na si Tito, iniisip ko na lang, nagpapahinga lang siya. So yung mga kaibigan kong
meron silang phase na muntik silang magpakamatay, pero ngayon, okay na sila. It’s all in the
past. Mindset lang talaga sa kin ah, it’s all in the mindset.”
R:“Pero ngayon, okay na kayo emotionally? I mean, accepted nyo na, move on na kayo…”
P: “Ako, oo. Pero naging ano ako, uh, tawag ditto, sensitive ako pagdating sa ganyang mga
bagay. Wala ka nang magagawa pag di mo aaccept sa ganyang things eh. Di ka – if you’re not
gonna move on unless you accept things, masastuck ka lang sa fact nay un na tapos na, wala ka
nang magagawa. Wala na. So, yung isang tanong? Sorry?”
R:“Uhm, naka move on na kayo.”
P: “Akon aka move on na, sila Mama I think hindi pa. Nandun yung guilt sa kanila, pero ayun…
to move on sa memory…. Wait lang, mali. Di mo masabi pala na nag-move on ka na. Meron
palagi sa part of you na dadalhin mo sa buhay mo na nandun yun. Pero as you move on with
their life, isasama mo yun, di mo siya maiiwan kasi talaga eh diba. Pero yung take things light
din na lang. Then, wag na lang siya masyadong isipin. Di ko siya masyado maexplain eh.
KUMbaga, it will serve na ang as a lesson na lang for you. Para if may second time or if merong
chance na mangyari ulit sayo yung ganitong bagay, ready ka sa kung ano man yung gagawin mo,
so that’s why you should move on. So yun.”
R:“Kanina pala Ate nasabi mo na parang malaki yung role nung religion on coping with it.
Would you say na lUMakas or naging stronger yung faith, or mas naging [INAUDIBLE] yung
act nila.”
P: “Yung sa first, biglang down yan eh. Na, bakit – syempre ang dami mong questions, bakit
nangyrai to, ganyan ganyan. Tapos yung Tito ko kasi before magpakamatay yan… nag-attend
siya ng midweek meeting, meeting yung tawag sa church namin. Tapos, may tinanongan siyang
tao doon, sabi niya, ‘Magagalit po baa ng Diyos kung yug isang tao magpakamatay?’ Sabi
niyang ganun. So parang sa simula, mawawalan ka sandal nung faith, pero after nun, lalakas
siya, mas titibay siya. Kasi kailangan eh, kailangan mong patibayin eh, yun yung hope mo eh,
dun ka – yung yung kapit na kailangan kong pagpatuloy yung buhay kasi alam ko alam ko alam
ko makakasama ko ulit Siya. Kasi sa amin yun yung parang… yun yung belief na mabubuhya
yung mga patay in the future, tas makakasama mo sila. So kailangan mong galingan – di naman
kailangan mong galingan, kailangan pagpatuloy yung pagpreach mo, yung paniniwala mo, para
makasama mo siya. Ayun.”
R:“Other than religion, meron bang iba kang kinapitan in the sense na yung comfort siguro ng
family or comfort ng friends… meron ka pa bang ibang nakatulong sayo with coping other than
friends.”
P: “More on family. Kasi yung friends, hindi naman talaga sila – they wouldn’t really – well,
nandyan lang sila to listen. Pero suicide is something you need to talk to someone to relate to
you, since for example, wala ka namang alam sa suicide, it’s easy for you to say things. ‘Eh okay
lang… magiging okay lahat’, eh nawalan ako… so itwould help if yung… if you talk to someone
who knows…. Oo…. So yung first, in my case, it’s the family. Not like just parang, nuclear.
Extended din, everyone. Or other families na may namatayan din.”
R:“So ngayon yung after ng suicide ng Tito mo at tsaka yung mga friends mo nga na nag-
attempt, diba naging sensitive ka dun sa topic nun. Pero before suicide was introduced to you,
ano sa tingin mo yung suicide?”
P: “Hmm… yung tingin ko sa suicide? Hindi siya masyadong emotional. Ah, suicide dati,
syempre… baliw, suicide baliw. Yun yung common na stereotype ko sa mga suicidal. Kasi
sinong tao sa tamang pag-iisip yung magpapakamatay. If not baliw, yung parang sobrang twisted
yung mind. Kasi pwede mo ding I-take as a sign yung parang nagkakamikaze diba yung mga
ano… sobrang lakas yung faith ila or yung paniniwala nia sa isang bagay kaya nila nagawa ‘to.
So yun, di siya ganun naging ka-big deal sa akin, pero after nung nangyari, sensitive na ko. Kahit
pajoke lang, ‘uy gusto ko na mamatay’. Ay, wag, wag, wag. Ano nangyari sayo? Meron akong
friend na ganun, as in senti [INAUDIBLE] ‘What if namatay ako eto yung papatugtog kong
music’. Kahit yung pajoke lang, sobrang sineseryoso ko yun.’Ano bang nangyari sayo?’
kakausapin ko siyang ganyan. Ganun ako pag ganung mga [INAUDIBLE].”
R:“Ngayon ba binibisita nyo pa yung puntod nung Tito mo?”
P: “Well kasi kami, sa religion namin, di kam ganun na palabisita sa puntod. Kasi yun nga, yung
iba bumibisita sila pero kami hindi, since we have hope, na makakasama naming siya, so parang
no need, he’s just sleeping. Sabi nga ni Hesus diba, natutulog lang siya. Nung merong namatay
na bata, sabi niya natutulog lang siya. So, kami, we take dead people as they’re sleeping. They’re
not in hell, they’re not in heaven, they’re just sleeping, and then one day, gigisingin sila. So hindi
kami… death is not that big of a deal, if that person is sleeping. Okay, you sleep lang muna dyan,
someday you’ll be with us. So kailangan may kapit ka ngayon. Sa hope nay an, sa paniniwala
nay an. So it’s a big factor para makamove on yung isang tao, unless kasi yun yung tingin kong
struggle ng iba, pag namatay yung taong to, wala silang makakapitan na pag-asa, makakasama
nila. Wala silang makakapitan ng pag-asa na ‘uy makakabawi ako sa susunod!’ kasi tapos na
lahat eh, kmbaga that’s it. Unless kapag meron kang faith or hope na makakasama siya ulit.
Okay, babawi ako sayo sa susunod, magiging mas kampante nako. So on a positive ano, ganun
yung effect niya. Mas lalakas yung faith mo, at the same time mageeffort ka to make yourse;f
better or to be better for others who might be experiencing the same thing, kasi you’ve
experienced this so you know na how to handle toher stiuations para din kapag bumalik siya,
makakasama mo siya makakabawi ka pa.”
R:“So sa religion nyo yung grieving, hindi siya masyadong intense – I mean even if not suicide
yung naging cause of death, parang dahil nga meron kayong belief na ganun parang after death
the grieving is not as intense like you see in other…”
P: “Oo. Sort of. Yes, may grieving period ka talaga, di maiiwasan yan eh. Pero di siya ganun ka
parang, grabe. Lalo na si Papa. Malakas kasi faith nun talaga. Parang namatay yung kapatid niya,
namatay yung tatay niya, luluha lang siya. Lalapitan mo siya, alam mo malungkot siya and all,
Pero ang sabi lang niya, alam ko makakasama ko siya ulit, natutulog lang siya. Kasi hindisiya
ganun ka –sobrang… kasi alam mong… Malaking factor siya.”
R:“Tanong ko, ano yung religion mo?”
P: “Jehovah’s Witness.”
R:“So last na taong ko: ano yung advice mo sa mga taong napagdaanan yung pinagdaanan mo na
suicide survivors din… anong advice yung maipapayo mo… or friends, close friends…”
P: “Advice kanino? Sa suicidal o… yung family… never ano lang, always lend your ears,
helping hand, and time, time time time, quality time talaga. Never make them feel like they’re
alone, ever. Kasi kahit hinid mo sila kausapin, basta alam nilang nandyan ka, pwede ka nilang
mahila anytime, anywhere. Malaking factor nay un. Basta alam nila na may tao. Yun. Na
makikinig sa kanila… na magsasabi sa kanila na parang it’s just a phase, na everything’s gonna
be okay din eventually, not now, not now, life sucks now, but eventually it’s gonna be better.
Basta yun lang talaga, yung time… time… kahit hindi ka masyadong magsalita… quality time
and assurance, yun yung importante, yung time and words of assurance mo na ‘I’m here’ hindi
lang actions speak louder than words, or words speaks louder than… basta ganun, goals, goals,
presence, words of encouragement. Habang nandyan ka pala, kailangan sabihin mo ‘nandito lang
ako’. Just to make them sure. Kailangan nilang naririnig yun, yung positive vibes. Pero wag
naman yung unrealistic positive vibes naman. And as much as possible, yung buong family,
buong family, pakita yung concern sa kanya. Di lang yung sa isang certain na tao lang… time,
presence, and words of assurance.”
R: “And dun sa mga naiwan nung nag-suicide?”
P: “Huh?”
R:“Yung mga naiwan nung nag-suicide, kunyari ikaw, naiwan ka ng Tito mong nag-suicide.”
P: “Ano ba yung tanong mo kanina diba yun din”
R:“Kasi parang… yung [INAUDIBLE] parang na-take ang – pagkakaintindi siguro namin ni
[INAUDIBLE] siguro ay more on kung kapagka may suicidal kang family member, yung more
on kapagka wala na.”
P: “Ah dun sa mga… naiwan nan a-deds na yung family member… uh, tips, advice sa kanila… I
guess… there – kasi pag may nag-suicide there will always be a blame game. ‘Uh my God
kulang ako ng time’ ganyan, may turuan yan eh, sa mga magkakapatid ng family members.
Madalang lang yang ‘guys everythings gonna be okay’, de sa simula magsisishan yan. Siguro sa
family na naiwan ng nag-suicide, wag nalang kayo mag-away. Ano na lang, Learn from that.
Tignan nyo yung pagkukulang. Try to be – think of the future. Yung parang, tignan yung person.
‘What happened to our brother’ or whoever it is. Bakit siya nagka-ganun. And then, meron bang
ganun satin, parang prevent na lang. Other than of course, pray, and uhm, pray and pray, other
than that, same din na advice… open communication, and enough with the blame game. And
acceptance. Learn to accept na lang kung ano nangyari and stop blaming each other. And learn
from that mistake, and mas gawing tight na lang yung relationship yung family instead na mag-
away-away tas dagdag nanaman ng problema. Yon.”
Trancript of interview with Angelo
R- Researchers
I- Angelo
R: Pwede bang ano, Angelo. Ano yung relasyon niyo nung nagsuicide?
I: Si Ryan?
R: Kung pwedeng sabihin.

I: Sabihin ko na. Si Ryan. Uhmm, mula first year tayo, kakilala ko na siya. Tapos nung tumagal
naging kaibigan ko, barkada ganon. Fourth… ay. Second year nawala siya, third year nawala din
siya, fourth year bumalik siya sa CS. Tapos, ummm ayun, mas naging close kami. Lahat ng
lakad, ganyan. Bahay, libot, kasama ko na.
R: Ahh oo, barkada talaga.
I: Barkada talaga. Pati inuman, yan. Inuman. Kasama yan. Yun.
R: Ano pa, yung mga problems niya, sinasabi niya sayo, ganon? Sa barkada, ganon?
I: Nung una. Tsaka kahit hindi niya sabihin nalalaman din namin dun sa nanay niya. Yun.
R: Okay. So, Pwede bang… kung… Pwede bang sabihin kung paano siya nawala? Ano yung
cause nung ano…
I: Di ko sure ah. Pero sabi sa nanay niya. Dahil sa nanay niya. Parang napahiya siya, ganon.
That was February 14.
R: Oo, naalala ko din yun.
I: 14 yun.
R: Yung yung sinabi mo na valentine’s diba, nagaassembly kayo.
I: Oo, valentine’s yun.
R: Merong event.
R: Ano yung means kung paano niya kinuha yung… yung buhay niya?
I: Nagbigti.
R: Diba sa ano, sa bahay.
I: Oo.
R: Okay. Tas kasama niya sa bahay niya yung family niya?
I: Nanay niya tsaka katulong.
R: Ahhh
I: Tsaka yata yung… pamangkin. Pamangkin ba yung term dun? Oo, pamangkin. Anak ng
kapatid niya.
R: Ahhh
I: Tatay niya is nasa abroad. Yun.
R: Before ba non may signs na parang…
I: Signs….
R: Na napansin kayo or…
R: Yung iba, ganon.
I: Ano lang, parang tahimik lang siya. Ganon lang naman yung typical na nangyayari dun.
Tahimik lang siya. Pero, di… di siya nagsasabi ng ano nung time nun eh, kaya nagulat din kami
eh. Ganon yun.
R: Pero pag nakikita ko siya oo nga no, medyo tahimik siya.
I: Oo, tahimik siya.
R: So tahimik talag siya no
I: Oo. Magiingay lang siya kunyare kumpleto na kami ganyan tapos talagang nakatrip na. Dun
lang siya ngaano.
R: So ano yung nafeel niyo nung immediately after na narinig niyo yung balita?
I: Oh eto ganito. Ang nangyari nun, ahhh, morning…
R: Oo ano yun, mga break time yun.
I: Di. Kay sir ano palang nun, Sir…
R: Sir Ronald.
I: Oo. Nalaman ko kay Cathy, nung grade… ano palang dati… 7 palang ata siya dati nun. Sabi
niya may nagano daw, Reyes daw. Ganyan ganyan. Tapos sinong Reyes, ka ko. Fourth year daw,
sabing ganon. Tapos yun nga sinabi niya yung pangalan, si Ryan nga daw. Di ako makapinawala
nun. Hanggang… ewan ko parang biglaan nalang kumalat na bigla ganyan.
R: Oo, nalaman na.
I: Oo. Iyakan na. Kaming mga barkada na. Kaya nga nung nasa likod ako…
R: Ahh oo
I: Umiiyak ako nun.
R: So hindi niyo sa mom niya nalaman? Nalaman niyo sa school na?
I: Oo, sa school na.
R: Immediately ba after non pinuntahan niyo na?
I: Oo, nung after school. Diretso kami agad.
R: Ano ba ang nangyari dun? Gabi siya nung..
I: Madaling araw daw.
R: So nakita nalang, morning na?
I: Oo, nung morning. Nung katulong. Katulong yung nakakita.
R: So yun… nagiyakan na. Ano pa yung nafeel mo?
R: As a barkada talaga?
I: As a barkada kasi, siyempre, kahit nga pamilya mamatayan ka talagang masakit. Talagang
proproblemahin mo, kahit barkada yan. Mismo kahit nga aso diba pag namatay, proproblemahin
mo, kaibigan pa kaya. Kaya yun talaga nafeel ko nun. Talagang… iba. Iba yung iyak ko nun.
Hanggang libing niya… yun.
R: Ano yung pakiramdam na ano… na…
I: Parang nagsisisi. Kahit sabihin natin na ano, kahit na wala kang alam pero, kunyari yun nga,
nangyari na, ahhh, sa iba mo pa nalaman, ganyan. Parang yung time na yun, bakit di niya nasabi
o kaya bakit di ako yung nag comfort ganyan ganyan diba. Kaso paano ka nga magcocomfort
kung di mo namn… di… di niya naman sinasabi. Wala naman siyang pinapakita na iba, ganyan.
Yun.
R: So sa barkada niyo din, siyempre ganon.
I: Oo.
R: Yung, bago yung nangyari, sa tingin mo ikaw, personally, pano yung tingin mo sa suicide?
Bago pa yung nangyari.
I: Tingin sa suicide?
R: Sa suicide mismo.
R: In general.
R: In general, Nung… kunyari may naririnig ka na nagsusuicide. Bago… bago mo naexperience

na maging parang… suicide survivor. Pano yung dati, kapag nakakarinig ka, ganon. Na
magsusuicide ganon. Paano yung naging reaction mo?
I: Sa totoo lang, napapamura ako. Kasi siyempre, kukunin mo buhay mo, ganyan ganyan. Diba?
Oh. Tapos siyempre parang ang sayang naman ng ano, ang daming pagkakataon na… bat mo
gagawin yun bat mo pipigilan din yun.. Kung ano, kunyare topic is babae, lalaki, ganyan. Di lang
naman yan eh, ang daming tao eh. Di lang ano eh, di lang… yung problema, oh. Bakit, sa
problema bang yun, walang solusyon? Yun. Ganon ako nun.
R: Tapos after nung kaibigan mo na yung gumawa, ano naman yung parang nagbago?
I: Nandun parin yung, yung ano ko dun, yung understanding ko dun. Pero, siyempre, kaibigan
ko yun. Parang, gagawin mo lahat kung anong maganda. Yun.
R: Ahh, kung para sakanya, yun yung..
I: Oo.
R: So, hanggang ngayon, may pagsisisi ba sa part mo?
I: Oo. Halos meron. Kasi, yung nga. Yung bakit na di ko man lang siya nilapitan, ganon. Pero
yung mga time kasi na yun, madalas na rin yung absent niya eh. Yun.
R: Pero di niya nasabi nung kung bakit siya madalas magabsent?
I: Nung una kasi parang, tumawag sakin yung nanay nun eh. Sabi niya, tinatanong niya kung
nasamin ba, o kaya kung kasama ko ba, yun pala nasa computer shop. Yun. Nagbabad daw dun.
Siguro pagkatapos nun, yun nga, napagalitan, ganyan ganyan. Dinamdam. Yun. Kaya madalas
siyang absent.
R: Tas akala niyo naman, parang mababaw na absent, na nalungkot lang siya, or..
I: Hmmm, hindi. Parang, may sakit lang. Ganon lang tingin namin.
R: Dati ba pag may problema siya, anong ginagawa niya, sinasabi niya ba sa inyo?
I: Oo. Sinasabi niya. Sinasabi niya. Wala, walang ano dun. Walang problema dun talagang
sinasabi niya.
R: Open talaga siya
I: Oo. Ganon kami kaclose.

R: Tas kahit yata yung mommy niya close din sa barkada ninyo.
I: Oo.
R: Oo, naalala ko din nung bumisita kami, mabait nga yung nanay niya.
I: Hagulgol yung nanay nun eh.
R: Kaya sobrang nakakagulat nung…
I: Oo.
R: Mga gaano… di naman kailangan na exacto, pero parang mga gaano niyo katagal talagang
dinamdam yun, lalo na kayo as a barkada. Paano… parang… katagal?
I: Matagal. Sobrang tagal. Kahit ilang years yan. Basta… kelan ba kami huling bumisita.
Birthday ata niya mga last year, ganon. Or two years ago. Basta tuwing death anniversary niya o
kaya birthday niya, pumupunta talaga kami dun. Yun yung parang, ano namin sakanya.
R: So parang kayong barkada talaga yun?
I: Ay hindi, di siya totally kaming buong barkada. Kunyare tatlo, apat, ganon. Kasi yung mga
iba busy na eh. Di na… wala nang time para sa ano.
R: Pero ginagawa niyo parin talaga ng paraan…
I: Oo, parang ano na namin yun. Gawain na namin yun tuwing..
R: Diba may mga parang may mga span of time na may grief pa na experience. Paano mo na…
Paano ka nagcope dun sa grief mo?
I: Ano, wala. Wala naman. Pinagdadasal ko lang siya eh. Kaso may time talaaga kunyare
nakalimutan ko na, siya mismo, magpaparamdam. Magpapa… kunyare panaginip, ganon. Totoo
yun. Napapanaginipan ko siya. Ahhh, kahit sabihin mo na matagal na, meron parin konti sakin
na ano, na parang sayang ganyan. yun.
R: So nung, nung bago pa, nung medyo kakatapos palang, ganon. Parang Ikaw, personally,
parang barkada mo aside, paano mo… ano yung mga naexperience mo nung right after na parang
siyempre, kunyare after nung libing, ganon. Yung time mismo after nung libing. Parang paano
yung, ano yung mga naexperience mo tsaka paano ka nakapag cope dun sa mga naexperience
mo. May mga specific ka ba na experiences?
I: Wala naman eh. Kasi kung ano yung usual na ginagawa ko yun parin naman. Minsan
finofocus ko nalang, kunyare, yung bagay na ganito, ganyan, focus ako dun, okay na.
R: So di mo masyadong iniisip?
I: Parang… unhappy kasi eh. Parang may point talaga na bigla nalang papasok sa isip mo kaya
kunyare nagpapahinga ka nalang, ganyan. Maiisip mo. Talagang, bigla ka nalang malulungkot.
Tatahimik ka nalang.
R: So parang recurring?
I: Oo.
R: Sabi mo nagppray ka diba. Pinagppray mo siya.
I: Oo.
R: So, parang yung prayer is a way of coping.
I: Oo, isa rin yun.
R: Bakit sa tingin mo nakatulong yun, yung prayer.
I: Hmm.. kasi pag sinabing prayer, talagang mabisa yan eh. Hindi ko sasabihing mabisa daw.
Mabisa talaga. Yun yung sakin.
R: So dun talaga gumagaan yung pakiramdam mo?
I: Gumagaan talaga.
R: Sa outlook mo ba, kunyare, iniisip mo ba na si Ryannasa maganda nang lugar? Yung mga
ganon bang, kunyare, pagiisip, nakakatulong na parang gumaan yung loob mo?
I: Oo. Oo. Kunyare sasabihin namin, Ryan, ganito, ganyan, bantayan mo kami, ganyan. Wag mo
kami pababayaan. Mga ganon.
R: So parang…
I: Nakakatulong yun. Oo. Totoo yun.
R: Ano pa sa tingin mo yung parang mga ibang mga nakatulong talaga dun sa pag cope? Kasi
sabi mo nga, di naman talaga completely makaka move on, na yung talagang sobrang okay ka na
and all. Pero, ano yung nakatulong sayo na para medyo mas makapag cope ka, ganon. Parang
External factors ganon. Parang pamilya, o kaya….
I: Barkada. Yun na talaga mismo.
R: Ahh, yung barkada niyo talaga.
I: oo. Yun talaga.

R: Paano yung ginagawa niyo? May nagiba ba nung ano…
R: Nung after?
I: Malaki. Kunyare, yung nga, yung… kahit papano naman si Ryan, makwela yun eh. Kahit
tahimik yan.
R: Ahh oo.
I: Talagang maykulo yan. Yung yung nakakamiss siyempre. Pag minsan nantrtrip siya, ganyan.
Oo yun. Makulit yun
R: So kayo yung pagkikita niyo nung barkada niyo ganon parin ba kadalas after nung nangyari?
I: Di na. Busy na eh.
R: Pero bago nun diba, sabi mo parang madalas.
I: Oo. Madalas talaga nun.
R: Pero after nun parang biglang nag die down?
I: Oo, mga… second year, third year, fourth year. Second year. or third year na nagsimula
medyo busy na nun. Yun.
R: Nung… nung nawala si Ryan, ano yung parang may pakiramdam ba na parang may nawala
dun sa barkada niyo? o hindi?
I: Malaki. Malaki. Kahit sabihin mo na isa lang siya sa marami samin, malaking bagay siya.
R: Parang pansinin talaga na may kulang sa inyo?
R: Malaki yung impact.
I: Malaking malaki.
R: Kapag ka ba yung kunyare, diba may time na parang nalulungkot kayo or what, talagang,
paano kayo magdamayan, nagtatawagan ba kayo, ganyan?
I: Nagkikita kita kami, ganyan. Minsan nga nauuwi sa inuman, ganon. Ganon lang naman yung
ano namin eh. Yung trip namin eh.
R: So sila talaga yung pinaka malaking factor na… yung barkada. Yung parehas na barkada
niyo.
I: Oo, same na same.
R: Napaguusapan niyo parin ba si Ryan?
I: Minsan, ganyan. Kunyare yun nga, kahit naman kasi ano, once lang yung in a year, may
chance na magkikita kita eh. Parang ganyan, nandito si jospeh, ganyan. Kasama namin, ganyan.
Yung merong ganon, diba. Kahit sabihin mo kasi na matagal na, andyan parin yun. Di yun basta
matatanggal na ano. Lalo na pag malapit sayo. Yun.
R: So nagaano nalang… parang… tawag dun, parang you live by it nalang.
I: Tsaka parang inaalala nalang namin siya. Ganon lang.
R: So sa tingin mo wala naman sainyo sa barkada niyo na talagang, kumbaga parang na stuck na
talagang sobrang nadevastate siya ganon? or sad masyado?
I: Hmm… wala naman eh.
R: Pero may period na talagng down na down? Kunyare ikaw.
I: Oo, minsan… hindi eh madalas nun talaga.
R: Nung after?
I: oo. Minsan nga tulala lang kami eh. Lalo na kaming, magkakasama lang kaming barkada,
tahimik lang kami, ganon. May point na ganon.
R: Na biglang bumabalik
I: Oo, oo.
R: Sa… sa tingin mo. Ano yung mga ano, diba may mga… sabi nga nila may mga filipino,
parang meron tayong kaugalian na tumutulong satin kunyare, masiyahin daw tayo, ganyan. Yung
mga ganong traits natin. Ano yung sa tingin mong meron ka na meron yung mga Filipino, sa
tingin mo nakatulong sa pag, parang, grieving process mo, ganon.
I: Yung… ability na, maglibang ka kahit may problema ka. Ganon.
R: Sa barkada, ganon. Meron pa bang iba aside…
I: Yun lang, spiritual, ganon. Madasalin, yun.
R: Pati ba sa inyo, sa barkada ninyo, prayer rin talaga yung nakatulong sa kanila?
I: Oo. Although di sila ganon na talagang nagsisimba, ganyan. Pero, talagang, ano eh. Bigla
nalang ganon eh. Yun.
R: Ngayon ba may communication pa kayo sa family niya?
I: Oo. Kasi usually pag bumibisita kami, nagpapaalam muna kami dun sa ano (Mom) niya,
tapos pagkatapos, pupunta kami sa kanila. Maghahanda siya. Yun.
R: Ah so meron paring…
I: Oo.
R: Paano niyo pala nahandle yun nung una niyong nakita, lalo na yung mom niya. Na, alam
niyong medyo kaclose niyo yung mom, parang paano… paano yung na ano…
I: What do you mean?
R: Parang yung, unang bisita niyo nung yun nga, parang after niyong malaman, siyempre
nagpunta kayo as barkada diba. Parang…
I: Sa wake?
R: Sa wake. Yung after. Yung immediately after nung araw na yun. Parang paano niyo natake.
Nung barkada. Yung sinabi niyo, paano niyo nahandle na kausapin yung mom niya?
I: Kasi yung iyak nung nanay niya iba. Talagang… iba. Talagang mararamdaman mo yung…
mararamdaman mo talaga. Parang yung nagsisisi siya, yung mga ganon. Meron talagang point
yung magsisisi. Siyempre anak niya, ganyan. Tapos, uhmmm… Basta, pag ganon. Kahit yun…
Parang dalawa yung problema. Yung pagkamatay niya, yung hagulgol nung nanay niya. Parang
dalawang factors na ano, na mas nakapagpaano ng damdamin. Ganon.
R: Nung sinabi mo nga diba may… may somehow pagsisis sa part niyo. Hanggang ngayon ba
nandun pa or medyo ngayon tanggap na?
I: Medyo tanggap na. Nandun palang sa medyo. Kasi siyempre, ganon talaga eh.
R: Paano niyo, tinakeake. Ano yung ginagawa niyo, ginawa mo. Kunyare ikaw, para ano yung
mga narealize mo sa… nung pagktapos nung pagaccept mo sa…
I: Siguro okay na siya, ganyan. Yung mga naiwan niya dito, magiging okay din naman. Well
ngayon okay din naman, ganyan. Nakalipat sila ng magandang bahay, yung mga ganon. Mga
iniisip yun eh.
R: Hindi lahat ng masamang nangyari, parang, di lang naman…
I: Oo. Parang…
R: May good things din.

I: Oo, may good things din.
R: Kung okay lang sanang itanong, nakaexperience ka na ba nung pagkamatay dati nung sa
family mo kunyare namatay sa sakit ganon, or…
I: Actually, pagkatapos nung pagkamatay ni Ryan, sumunod yung lolo ko.
R: Ahh okay. Yun. Parang, ang tanong ko lang sayo, parang, paano naging different yung
pagkamaty na siguro medyo natural causes ng death, kesa.. yung dun sa isang parang malapit sa
buhay mo na nagsuicide.
I: Yun nga yung ano eh. Yung pagkakaiba. Pagkatapos ng graduation namin nun eh. Nung
namatay. Uhmm, ang nangyari kasi nun, ewan ko pumunta lang kami ng Pandan, tas nung
pabalik na, sabi ko sana gumaling na si Lolo, ganyan ganyan. Tapos paguwi namin, wala na pala.
Si daddy sabi, wala na si Lolo mo. Ayun. Kasi ako, di ko napuntahan. Lolo ko mismo di ko
napuntahan. Di man napaglamayan, or nakitang libing, wala talaga. As in wala. Kumpera mo kay
Ryan, na nakita ko talaga. Yun. Yun na. Ibang iba.
R: Lalo na yung parang, iba yung naramdaman mo na parang, na….
I: Iba yung sakit. Pero kasi di… kahit lolo ko siya… madalang lang din naman siyang
pumupunta samin. Kaya hindi ganon ka close compared kay Ryan.
R: So malaking factor din talaga yung gaano ka close dun sa tao.
I: Oo,malaking factor.
R: Tanong ko lang, after… after nung nangyari kay Ryan. Diba dati, yung tingin mo sa suicide
parang, may konting judgement dun sa tao.
I: Ahh, oo.
R: Ano yung, nung nangyari nga yung kay Ryan, nagiba ba yung paningin mo sa suicide?
I: Somewhat. Nagiba.
R: Paano nagiba?
I: Ngayon, kasi… di pare-pareho ang ano ng tao. Merong point talaga… ay merong tao talaga
na mahina… na hindi naman yung ano ha, yung may deperensya. Yung parang di nila kaya
totally na makahandle ng problem. May mga ganon. Kaya, naiintindihan ko sila. Yun.
R: So parang medyo nawala na yung stigma, yung para bang, sanang… masosolusyonan naman
yan.
I: Andun parin. Naglalaban lang dun.

R: Pero somehow may understanding?
I: Oo. May understanding na.
R: Sa family mo ba, pinaguusap… diba nga nung namatay si Ryan, napaguusapan niyo ba
openly. Kunyare, nag confide ka ba sa parents mo, ganyan.
I: Tungkol kay Ryan?
R: Oo. I mean, yun. Naglalabas ka ba ng bigat ng loob sa parents mo?
I: Hindi eh. Totally sa barkada talaga.
R: So sila talaga yung support system mo.
I: Kumbaga kasi talaga, si daddy lang yung pinagsabihan ko nun kasi siyempre, di pa naman
ako nagddrive nun. Papahatid kami dun.Yun lang. Sasabihin ko lang, ganyan. Tapos…
R: Eh yung feelings talaga?
I: Sa barkada talaga. Sa barkada talaga.
R: Tingin mo may factor yung fact na barkada kayo na… siguro same yung relationship niyo
with Ryan. Kaya sa barkada ka nagcoconfide ganon.
I: Oo, ganon.
R: So malaki talaga yung weight nung relationship niyo.
R: Para sayo ba sa tingin mo, parang naconsider na talagang naramdaman mo na parang family
talaga…
I: Oo, family talaga. Compared dun sa mga kakilala ko na naging kaibigan ko din, sila yung
binabalikan eh. Sila talaga.
R: Hanggang ngayon diba?
I: Oo. Kaya nga kahit na busy, kahit na sa isang beses lang sa taon, may chance talaga.
R: Oo, masarap talaga kasi kahit na ang tagal niyo na di nagkita, nagsasama, parang…
I: Oo, oo.
R: Ah, eto. Medyo patapos na tayo.

I: Oh sige lang, matagal pa. hahaha
R: Ano yung parang kumbaga, nakaexperience, isang suicide survivor, ngayon ano yung pwede
mong maiadvice sa mga suicide survivor…
R: Or mga nakaexperience din nung…
R: Napag daanan mo, yun.
I: Yung simpleng term… yung simpleng ano lang dun, pag lumipas na, konti konti dun,
makakalimutan mo, or parang, yun bang, yun bang problema mo, yung pagiisip mo na dahil dun,
parang nababawasan. Tapos,Yung nga yung parang, wag na kayong susunod. Yung mga ganon.
Kasi masakit, ganon.
R: Sa kanila ba, ano sa tingin mo yung mga iaadvice mo sakanila na makakatulong talaga na
magcope sa kanila?
R: Parang anong techniques, ganon.
I: Kung ano yung usual business, yun lang naman yung ano eh.
R: Parang wag masyadong…
I: Kumbaga, wag lang talaga na problemahin mo, kasi maano mo rin yun.
R: Parang mag move on talaga
I: Oo.
R: Di rin kayo masyado naging down no? Sa barkada niyo?
I: Sa simula lang.
R: As a barkada ba matagal yung, matagal kayong, yun nga, natapos yung grief? Parang
nagsubside din?
I: Oo, mahigit 2-3 years nga yun.
R: Matagal din no.
I: Oo.
R: Kasi nakakabigla talaga yun.
I: Sobra.
R: Sakin nga nakakabigla, di kami close.
I: Oo nga, di mo kaclose.
R: Kayo diba nalaman niyo sa assembly?
R: Nalaman namin yun, break time nung umaga. Eh kasi festive yung mood nun eh. Valentine’s.
I: Oo, valentines’s.
R: May mga project yung SC, SSG. Tapos, biglang ganon. Diba?
I: Oo.
R: Nafeel ko nung parang biglang…
I: Biglang bumagsak.
R: Oo, biglang bumasak.
R: Kayo bang magkakabarkada, magkakaklase?
I: Hindi. Iba iba talagang section.
R: Soparang nagkita kita after niyong malaman, nung breaktime.
I: Oo, nung breaktime, ganon. Yun, “Uy, nabalitaan mo na ba.”, sa buong barkada na nalaman.
Pati sa ibang school, nalaman.
R: Oo, andami talaga.
I: Talagang nabroadcast yung buhay niya eh.
R: May nagiba ba sa parang pamumuhay niyo dati nung nandyan pa siya? Or nung nawala na
siya?
I: Parang… oo. Meron, meron naman. Siyempre, yung ugali niya. Nakakamiss. Parang ngayon,
hinahanap mo, ganon.
R: Ikaw ba personally, talagang nagconfide ka sakanya, yung kunyare, nung nandito pa siya
parang pag may problema ka ganon.
I: Oo.
R: Talagang nagsshare ka saknya ganon.

I: Oo, parang nagbabalikan lang kami pag may problema. Ganon… yun yung dahilan kaya
ngayon, ay nung time na yun parang iba yung pakiramdam ko, ganyan. Parang nagsisisi ako,
Yun. Kasi siyempre, kayo, close kayo eh. Tapos malalaman mo nalang na ganon.
R: So parang akala mo lahat sinasabi niya na.
I: Oo.
R: Tas meron pala.
R: And, namiss mo rin yun? Kapag kunyare may problema ka tapos inaalala mo na sana sakanya
mo nalang kinukwento?
I: Oo,sobra. Sobra.
R: Naging kakalase mo ba?
R: Di ko.
R: : Oonga pala, first year tsaka fourth year.
R: First year and fourth year. Talagang nung time na yun, whole day, bigla nalang wala nang
gana.
I: Buong… basta nung simula kong malaman na ano, wala na, tulala nako.
R: Wala na sa mood.
I: Wala na.
R: Kasi ano talag nun eh, lahat nagsasaya. Tas biglang binalita yun.
I: Yung time din non, breaktime, lunchtime, tsaka recess, bumabalik kami talaga kami kung san
kami tumatambay.
R: Ah, oo.
I: Dun kami. Kaya nung mga sumunod na araw nun, dun na talaga kami. Although matagal na
naming tambayan yun, mas tumagal kami, dun sa nagstay dun. Pag breaktime ganon. Minsan
dun na talaga kami kumakain.
R: Kasi parang naalala niyo na magkakasama kayo nun.. Meron bang nagreach out sainyo na
galing sa school non? Na kainausap kayo, or… I mean na authority sa school. Na mga guidance,
ganon, na parang kinamusta kayo. Lalo na na alam nilang kayo yung barkada talaga niya.
I: Oo. Sino kasi yung… yung babae

R: Ma’am Jane?
I: Oo, yun. Kinausapkami nun.
R: Eh di, masasabi mo ba na yung pagkawala niya, naging close kayong magkakabarkada.
I: Oo.
R: Mas naging strong ganon.
I: Oo.
R: May nagiba ba dun sa, dun sa pagiging mas open niyo, mas naging open ba, or mas nag hold
in, or…
I: Mas naging open, ganon. Yung mga iba na, kahit yung mga abrkada mo na tahimik lang
ganyan, nagkkwento na, mga experiences sa bahay, ganon. Malaking malaki yung nagiba.
R: So may mga realizations talaga.
I: Kasi pinagsabihan ko din sila na pag may problema kayo, open niyo agad. Kung kaya naming
makatulong, tutulong kami.
R: So at least parang, naabsorb din naman. Naunderstand. Tas hanggang ngayon… Ilang taon
siya? Mga 16, 17?
R: Kelan ba yun… mga 4 years ago? 16?
I: Kung 16 ako mga 15 siya. Mas matanda ako ng isan taon eh.
R: Pero binibisita niyo pa siya? After nung, may times na binibisita niyo pa yung mom niya?
I: Oo, Kasi malaki yung mapapansin mo sakanya, katulad nun, kung paano siya kay Ryannung
nanditopa siya. Talagang ang laki ng pinayat, talagang parang di na nakakatulog, yung mga
ganon.
R: Ilan ba silang magkakapatid?
I: Dalawa.
R: Ah, tas yung ano niya may anak na?
I: Yung ate niya may anak na. Pero di nakatira yung ate niya ngayon, ay nung time na yun. Di
ko alam ngayon kung nakatira dun.
R: Pero close naman sila?
I: Di so alam, wala namang sinasabi eh.
R: Pero naging close din kayo nung mommy niya no?
I: Oo, sobra.
R: Ang galing.
I: Kasi kung hindi, kung kaklase mo lang or kaibigan, di ka naman siguro magluluto ng masarap
na pagkain para sakanila. Baka ano, bili nalang ganyan. Eh siya effort niya talaga. Ang dami.
R: Siguro talagang naalala niya yung anak niya sa… lalo na pag bumibista kayo.
I: Kapagka nga bumibisita kami minsan, sasabihin niya kung buhay pa si.. Rye, Rye palayaw
niya eh. Ah, ganito, second year na siya. Malamang, animation kinuha niya, yung mga ganon.
Naalala niya eh.
R: So kapag andun kayo, siya rin talaga nagluluto para sainyo?
I: Oo, kasi unang una, sa barkada namin, unang una titignan, picture ni Ryan. Tapos dun na,
dirediretso na hanggang paguwi namin yun na pinaguusapan namin.
R: Talagang ano… nirereminisce. May kasama ba mommy niya sa bahay o siya lang magisa?
I: Ngayon yung, pamangkin nung… tsaka yung katulong parin. Kasi madalamg lang naman
umuwi yung tatay nun.
R: Nung time na yun umuwi ba?
I: Oo.Nasa ano, kaya nga umabot ng one week eh. Inantay na makauwi. Nung 4 days yata bago
libing, nakauwi na siya. Tapos yung iyak din niya, iba na.
R: Close ba sila nung daddy niya kahit na malayo?
I: Parang di gaano.
R: Naalala ko nung burol ni Ryannung bumisita kami, yung nanay niya, halata mong mahal na
mahal niya yung anak niya. Kasi may drawing book, sketch book. Crush niya ata si Kyra nun.
Tas pinakita niya kay Kyra mga sketches niya.
Trancript of interview with Patty
R- Researchers
P- Patty
R: Pwede nyo po bang ikwento kung ano yung nangyare dun sa friend nyo po?
P: Okay. Anong nangyare. Um…February 5, 2016. Uh, February 5, 2015. I got a…The next day
I got a call. I got a call. It was my friend…um, died by suicide. So, hanging herself in her own
room at [victim]’s house. At 31 years old. We never really saw that happen to her kasi na-meet
ko pa sya nung birthday nya. That was October, November, December, January, February. 4
months after, yun it happened. And I couldn’t believe it kasi may plans na syang pumuntang
Japan, irerecruit pa nya ko sa isang job, merong raket daw. So I was happy for her. Yun, and then
suddenly, that happened. Um…no suicide note. No letter. But my friend, I think, has a clue. But I
doubt that she will want to tell me…in his heavy heart she doesn’t even want me to mention the
name. Ganun ka…ganun sya ka-broken. Kasi I think she knows him. Yung close friend kong
yun, mas close kasi sila. She knows it but she cannot say it. She cannot disclose it out of respect.
May mga hulahula pero…hanggang dun lang. Um…the mom in the funeral and the dad was
um…they were asking, “May alam ba kayo?” Wala kaming masagot. Kaibigan ko, di nya
masagot, di ba? Pero..hmmm, we talked to them…recently yung family. Um…ano
naman…parang we tell them about what we’re doing to cope with, uh, what happened. Coming
up with an org called Buhay Movement. Masaya naman daw, ang pagkakaalala ko, ah? Yun, and
uh, that’s one. That’s my friend. Close friend since my high school, friend, batch mate ko yan. Di
kami yung sobrang mag-barkada pero close ko sya kasi kasama ko sya sa college tsaka, pano ba
to…ka-choir ko sya nung high school and every now and then, magmemessage, “Kamusta?”
ganon. Dahil mas close sya dun sa kaibigan ko, hmmm, tas yung kaibigan ko naman mas close
sakin, hinding hindi ko na din alam kung ano yung main reason kung bakit nya ginawa yun.
R: So there was no parang clue…ay, parang indication, no signs before…
P: Ah, confidential ‘to, di ba? Okay. Hula lang. More of yun dun sa kaibigan ko. Ang sabi,
parang, baka…baka gender. But we’ll never know kasi after her death, a few weeks or a few
weeks later, my friend told me they found a post card. Um…from someone and, uh, I don’t know
what country. Foreigner. Babae, hula lang yun. Pero hindi naman talaga natin alam. Yun. Yun
lang. and then, si [suicide survivor], ay, sorry. And yung kaibigan nya naman na kamamatay
lang, sinabi nya yun sayo? Kilala ko yun. So dalawa in one year akong nakaranas ng gantong
experience. He’s not my close friend. But he’s my volunteer. Of course, I would take it as hard.
He’s in my video. Yung kanta na pinarinig ko sayo? Kasi supposedly kasi the song’s so high, di
ba? So kapag di ko na kayang abutin, may video na lang na magpeplay every time we have our
own events. Kasi every time na may event, before…ito, I sing it. That’s my best way of
expressing, ummm, what, these emotions. Then I explain my moments. Kasi I’m so sincere in
that song. Yun nga lang. Kasi I couldn’t go higher. Um…people, volunteers from bipolar,
kasama sya dun. Tapos after a few months, nawala na sya because of…ayaw sabihin yung details
dun sakin. Kasi sabi ko, “San yung wake? I want to go.” Pati yung parents syaw sabihin. Ayun.
Two deaths in one year, actually three. The other one though was my former student. Cancer
naman. She was fighting for her life hanggang sa dulo. So parang iniisip ko, same death,
different reasons. One’s fighting for her life, the other one wanted to end it. Minsan iniisip ko,
I’m always ummm, ano ba, gliding lies and deaths, parang ganon. So yun. Yun yung nangyari
sakin. Ang bigat ng 2016. Apart from me being traumatized because of a fire in my house last
June. Grabe, no? Grabe ang 2016. Last 2016 I almost got burned. February, namatay yung friend
ko. My house got burned in June. We made Buhay Movement. Apart from that, I have a lot of
students. Sabi ko para san ba ko naguturo? Ang dami nilang ideations. Madaming din s
akanilang may diagnosis ng depression, bipolar, anxiety. Ayun madami. Yung bigla na lang
magpapanic attack. Akala ko di lang nya maspell yung condition nya. Yun pala, diagnosed.
Maraming di rin kasi may alam na totoo syang condition. That’s it. That’s how I became part of
this Buhay Movement. And also, that’s how I’m coping…with that, with suicide. And…we keep
on trying to know them bakit…pero may part din samin na hindi na natin malalaman eh. Di na
natin malalaman. Nagpapakita minsan sa panaginip ko. Kelan ba? Lately. Anniversary kasi eh.
Feb 5, di ba? Kelan lang. Wala naman syang sinasabi sakin why. Yun.
R: How did you take it po? Yung nagsuicide po yung friend nyo?
P: Friend ko? How did I take it? Syempre, disbelief. And denial. The call…”totoo ba yun, di yun
totoo”. And I was crying. My other friends they didn’t want to go to the wake. Ako, I wanted to
stay inside. So I went there 4 times. Yung isa kong friend, di na mapapasok. Ayaw talaga nya
kasi nga I feel that he’s guilty or something. Pero hindi naman dapat. Parang ang sabi nya sakin,
“Sana ikaw na lang yung naging close nya baka na-save pa.” Syempre that’s usually the coping
mechanism of someone who cannot accept that. Yung friend kong yun, magkaiba kami ng
coping kasi nga mas close sya. Ako, okay lang na pag-usapan sya kahit mabigat. Kasi, for me,
remembering someone matters eh. And feeling ko, baka kasi malungkot yung kaibigan ko. And
praying ako, syempre kasi pumupunta ako sa puntod nya eh, pinagdadasal ko sya. Um…every
now and then, it’s okay kahit mabigat sya. Remembering her matters to me. Yung isa
kongfriend, how she coped was…she doesn’t really matter. She doesn’t even want to mention
her name. Tas galit sya…syempre ako, nagalit din ako. Di naman galit, more of um…bakit?
More of ask, “Anong nangyare? Kung kinaibigan ba kita…Kung mas marami ba kong oras
sayo, mas na-save ka ba?” Those things, nagli- linger…me, I’m trying to do my best to just make
up for it and prevent this from happening. Yan. Number one, yan. Buhay Movement thing, you
could imagine my friend not triggered all the time. Yun, dalawa kaming ibang biktima. Pero
we’re friends. It’s just that I am careful kasi iba pa rin yung trauma, di ba? Basic studies. Iba
yung trauma pag may kaibigan kang…di ko naman sinasabing mahahawa but it’s…it could
make you depressed na parang isipin nyang wala akong kwentang kaibigan. Parang ang hirap
lang. Kasi ako, I’m trying my best to still be a friend even if she’s not around. Siya, I know she
still wants to be a friend it’s just that she has that guilt. Every now and then, she would tell me
I’m not her friend, kasi nga ang hirap patawarin ng sarili kapag wala na yung tao. So ang
ginagawa ko na lang, nagdadasal ako. Patawarin mo na yung kaibigan natin. Nahihirapan eh.
Ganun lang. Eto. Yeah. I still try to remember her every now and then. And then I do this, yeah,
the org to prevent it from happening. Tapos ummm…that song. Gumawa kami ng video. Grabe
yung coincidence. Ginawa ko yung video birthday niya nga pala. Parang ako gusto nya talaga
mangyari ito, okay. Sinali ko kasi sya sa isang contest. Tas may isang upload it somewhere yun
nga lang hanggang ano lang kami, pop. Tsaka…okay lang. I was hoping if we win, we can get
the money to establish…kasi ang mahal pala ng NGO, medyo 1 million na pala ngayon. Sabi ko,
“Ay kulang yung prize 300 thousand” So ayun, I’m using that song kasi passionate lagi. And if
may gustong kumanta nyan eh di, go. Yun nga lag, dapat alam nya kung saan galing. Yun, uh,
how did I cope? Buhay Movement, arts therapy, music. Of course, I cry. Wala namang problema
yun eh. And right now, I just get all the support that I can from, uh, ano ba. Ngayon lang ako
naggaganyan kasi. Pero yung energy, di ba, positive. And then I needed to hear other people to
tell me that I’m okay even if I say to myself I’m okay. Kailangan may maririnig ako. And then I
also write all the names who are, ano ba yun, prayer envelope ba yun. Ilalagay ko, ganun. Apart
from faith, I listen to psychologists. We have 22 advocates in the Buhay Movement. Are you-Are
you familiar with our organization? Di pa?
R: Yes po.
P: So merong psychologists. Iba-iba yung mga paraan na sinasabi nila. Yung ibang magcocope,
yung iba gamot, yung iba hindi gamot. Yung iba, uh, basta aaralin mo lang sarili mo. Know
yourself well. Yung iba naman dun, uh, founders ng suicide survivors, Suicide Survivors in the
Philippines. Yung iba naman dun anxiety disorders. Yung mga founders na yun, alam nila. Yung
friends ko nga diagnosed bipolar disorder. Sometimes I ask, how did you cope? Yun, apart from
faith, psychologists, I try to find some study about what’s best for me. So…laban lang. Laban.
Hindi naman ako yung, ummm, naggive up na lang. Kunwari depressed ako or sad ako about
what happened, I acknowledge it na ah okay depressed ako ngayon, malungkot ako ngayon. But
it doesn’t stop there. I don’t talk about it all the time. Yung friend ko? Unless it’s for Buhay
Movement, yeah. Kasi…may iba kasi pala na matitrigger so medyo hindi pa rin nila alam siguro
yung coping mech nila. So yun. My family…ummm some of them, of course they’re very
supportive. Just that syempre may stigma kasi eh. Traditional yan eh. My dad would tell me na
“shouldn’t talk about it, shouldn’t entertain it.” And yeah, I get what he is. He’s just very
worried. Kasi alam mo yung stigma na baka uy mahawa ka. Hindi naman sabi ko. Kailangan ko
ipakita sa kanila na it’s okay to talk about it, to normalize things kasi there’s a need for it. Di ba.
They’re supportive but then they’re unsure. Always naman yan eh. So. Because they’re
challenging me. Parang laban lalo kasi chinachallenge ako eh. Iconvince sa kanila na stigma yan.
Tsaka wala na silang magagawa kasi andyan na sya. So yun lang, family, psychologists, ummm,
faith. And I may be going to therapy now. Sabi nila sige mag-therapist daw muna ako since I
have so many options now kasi we’re aware eh. Di ba. Pero sa ngayon, okaypa naman ako. Like,
nakakausap ko pa kayo eh. Sana kayo di kayo nag- iisip ng ganon.
R: Di naman po.
P: Sure ah? Yes. Syempre students. I will always have that worry for students.
R: Well, actually the concern of our thesis advisers during our panel, they were asking us if we
could handle it. Yeah, so far.
P: Okay, mabuti.
R: Uh, Ma’am, could we also just ask about what specific challenges do you think (unclear)
about? Like you experiencing your loss. Parang in your personal life po.
P: Specific challenges?
R: Yeah. Challenges po na na-experience nyo after what happened.
P: After what happened. Well, the hardest one is accepting that one of my friends died by
suicide. And I didn’t even know why. When the family is asking us why, we don’t have an
answer. And you can see the parents just in denial all the time. Masakit talaga yun. It’s one of the
hardest things. The other challenge is with my friend. Because my friend still needs to know how
to (?) it in. until now, a year later. Di ba. Hindi lang ako yung kaibigan nya and she’s depressed
about what she didn’t do. Blaming herself completely. Ako yung naaapektuhan din. Lalo na
nung nag- Buhay Movement ako. Actually kami. She just had to leave for a while kasi di nya
kaya. That’s a challenge for me cause she’s my friend. She’s fragile now. I don’t know how to
help her but I think the challenge was to be there by not being there. And it’s hard kasi I…kasi
syempre iisipin ko will she end up like her. It’s the very first thing. Subukan mong gawin yan.
Subukan mong gawin yan sakin magagalit ako talaga. And then sabi nya, hindi takot ako,
[participant]. Di ko yun gagawin. Pero yun ako. Ako rin, I need to distant myself from…distance
myself…to be distant a bit kasi nga I carry the name now. Tas every time she hears it may
natitrigger. Kung di pa sya marunong mag-cope. Pero, little by little. Yeah, ummm, she’s getting
better because through her other friends, hindi nya alam na, well alam na nya ngayon, parang
minomonitor ko sya kasi…di kasi pwedeng palagi ako. Tas mahirap sya. So that’s a challenge
for me. Yung mga napag-iwanan din kasi ng kaibigan ko kasi close, kailangan ko ring tignan.
Kaya I just need all the support that I get. There you go, that’s another challenge. Syempre yung
huling challenge yung stigma na wag ko daw pag-usapan yung kaibigan ko or yung mga ganito
kasi daw hindi magandang pag-usapan. Ummm, pano ko tulungan yung mga muntik na tulad ng
mga estudyante ko? Ayun. Kasi every time I say “hindi kasi yung kaibigan ko…” tas wag mo na
lang masyadong i-discuss yung part na yun. Mahirap sya. Lalo na kapag may advocacy ka.
Because of your…because of what happened you’re an accidental advocate eh. That’s another
challenge. Ummm…yun pa lang naman. Hindi ko naman naisip na…well, minsan kunwari nag-
ano ako ng tree fall. Alam nyo yung tree fall? Minsan iniisip ito ba yun? Ito ba yun? Ito ba yung
naramdaman? Kasi ako, ano ako eh, I love extreme sports. Pero sometimes, minsan sa ngayon,
nag-iiba yung perspective ko eh parang ito ba yung feeling nila na when they fall, okay lang? So
when I fell from the…from that, okay hindi ko alam kung anong ginagawa ko tapos matatakot
tapos tapos na. Ganun ba yun? Di ba? Parang I was imagining my friend…well, bitay naman
yun, no? Pero ganun din ba yun tas parang ayaw mo na syang gawin ulit. Di ba? Yun lang.
Minsan iniiisip ko, was she fighting for her life until the end? Was she just…okay na sya? Kasi
may studies daw eh, di ba? Na kapag andun na sa punto, ayaw na nila.
R: Hesitation po.
P: Oo, di ba? Oh yeah, and one more. Ummm, kasi andun ako sa feast eh. I was asking did you
also dream when your friend killed herself. Yeah, yung mga ganyan. Sabi nga sakin ng kaibigan
ko ang lalim mo namang mag-isip. Eh syempre, I love to ask questions. Did you also breathe?
How did you breathe? Has he also suffered from mental illness? What? Di ba? Pero syempre
kung masasagot nila. Di naman ata nila masasagot. So I ask a lot about life. Yun. What else is
your question pa?
R: Basically yun lang po, yung challenges. But, ummm, in terms po of your view of suicide po.
Before actually experiencing being a suicide survivor, how was your initial, ano po, perspective
on the phenomenon of suicide?
P: First of all, I am not a suicide survivor.
R: Ah, okay okay po.
P: So, what’s your question? What’s my perspective?
R: Before the experience po.
P: Ummm, my perspective on that before becoming aware, ummm, ano sya, uh, the usual. Na
parang, uh, mahina, di ba? Yun yung stigma eh, kahinaan. Um, ano pa…mahina but could still
be helped when people are there. Especially for my students. Uh, di ko naman…mas
naging…mas naging understanding ako kasi baka mamaya hindi lang nila nilalabas. Yun yung
mga may suicidal ideations, yung mga estudyante ko, ummm, iniisip ko lang na di sila…di nila
sinasabi or yung worth nila do nila makita so yung ginagawa ko, ummm, pinapasulat ko sa
kanila. And then lalabas yung creativity nila and sasabihin ko di ba ang ganda nung bunga. Ang
ganda ng bunga ng mga ideations nyo. Yun nga lang, dangerous pala yun. When they dwell on
that emotion. Kahit na feeling ko art is therapeutic kasi it helped me eh when I’m sad. Always
art. Lahat yan tinary ko, art, sports, music. Pero sa kanila pala, art can be destructive din kasi eh,
di ba? If you go into the (unclear) and nagiging psychotic ka na din eh. Psychosis, yun. You
undergo psychosis. Yun. Pero before knowing that fact, sinasabi ko lang, iexpress mo lang yan.
Spoken word kayo dyan. Share nyo sakin. Just make somebody listen to you, okay ka na. so
yung mgasuicidal, magiging okay sila. Just do that. Yun pala, yung ngayon hindi naman palagi
yun yung solusyon (unclear).
R: And after that po how did you change, I mean, I mean, yung view nyo po nung suicide after
experiencing the loss of your friend?
P:Nnumber one, it can hit anyone. Kasi akala ko dati, ah high school kasi andaming hormones.
Iniwan ng parents (unclear) ganyan. Kahit sino pala, pwede. Robin Wiliiams, yung favorite kong
actor, anyone could experience depression and then could try to commit suicide. It changed a lot
when I studied about it. And when I listened to experts on it. Even the son of Rick Warren. A
Purpose Driven Life. The one who wrote A Purpose Driven Life. Yung anak nya nagpakamatay.
Wala yun sa religion. Wala rin yun sa faith. Minsan, yun nga, kung mahina yung mental, uh,
fortitude ba tawag dyan? Kailangan na ng tulong. Changed a lot talaga. Um, hindi ko…hindi ko
na masyadong hinusgahan yung mga…hindi naman hinusgahan or yung…I don’t judge the pain
of others. Hindi kaya naman yan ng ano eh, dati ah, kaya naman yan ng takbo, ng exercise.
Kasama naman sya di ba? Lifestyle mo, dedication could help improve your mental state. But
then,sometimes, that’s not the case. Lalo na yung may severe trauma. I’ve met people because of
my journey after my friend died by suicide I’ve met a lot of people na may severe trauma nga
sila. The very first person that I know is a stranger. The stranger hugged me, she said, I’m a
victim of rape. After I sang that song in one of our events, Ortigas, ang layo, tapos may biglang
lumapit sakin, kasi sabi ko I’m an advocate for suicide prevention, I’m an advocate for mental
health. And then I didn’t really expect that somebody, a stranger, a girl, go to me and say I’m a
victim of rape. She hugged me, sabi ko okay, it was the first time I’ve hugged…so nag-iba
talaga. Hug mo, di ba? Syempre may takot din eh, hindi mo naman kilala eh. But they will trust
you so much once you acknowledge and there’s a need. They will trust you enough and ask for
help. If not, they will just keep it to themselves. And then, become suicidal attempt. Um, ano pa?
R: Impact po of the suicide of your friend.
P: To what? To my life? Ay grabe, turning point eh. Well, marami kasi connected yan, like nung
nasunugan kami, I almost died. I almost didn’t make it. Naiwan ako sa room. Our house got
burned, so…naiwan ako sa room. I thought…akala ko nagpaparty lang sila, nagsisigawan kasi
birthday party with friends. And then, kinatok ako, ayokong lumabas. Anti-social mode. Tas yun.
Yun na. Muntikan na ko. So, andami kasig nangyare. That’s when I also learned that people
don’t get when you say trauma (unclear). People say, be wala kang trauma. Parang ganun din
kasi sa suicide eh. Depressed ako, ay hindi ka depressed! Siguro dati ganun ako. Ay di, hindi ka
depressed. Feeling ko kaya yan ng ano, ng friends lang. Hindi, they don’t understand. That event
made me understand what I was fighting for or what I believe in. So…and then, nagpakamatay
pa yung friend ko. Kasi hindi ko pa rin maintindihan eh. Hanggang ngayon naman I’m still
learning. When people say, you don’t understand how I’m feeling. I don’t want you to be my
friend anymore because you don’t understand how I’m feeling. Medyo naintindihan ko sya nung
sinasabi ko sa ibag tao na kasi andun kami at hindi ako umalis. Kasi my house is okay na. So
parang, ha maayos naman pala bahay nyo eh. Kasi I live in FilInvest. Ah, okay ka pa. meron ka
pang trabaho, buhay ka pa. Meron namang Plan B. you live in your unit. So parang hindi sila
maniwala na I went through that thing. Kasi more of afraid…ayun, traumatized. Kasi parang
makakita lang ako ng orange wall ayoko na. Ilayo mo ko dyan. And then (unclear) nasunog pa.
So parang, ay dyan ako nakatira. Eh di iyak iyak ako. tas di nila ma-gets kung bakit ako umiiyak.
Sabi sakin ng kaibigan ko, andito ka na, di ba? Sabi nya, wala ka na dun. Hindi nila
maintindihan. So, I think, ganun din yung nangyayare sa iba knog friends when they say di nyo
ko naiintindihan. So, after the…after my friend committed suicide or died by suicide, I kind
of…I kind of understand. And then I also…I listen to other suicide survivors, uh, ganun din. Ang
hirap. Ang hirap paintindihin. Ang hirap ipaintindi sa mga hindi nakaranas. Wala naman akong
ideations whatsoever but I knew trauma. And that’s a part of mental health. Medyo I kind of get
it when they say, you don’t understand me. Pag sinabi mong I understand, no, you don’t
understand me.
R: Minsan po kasi it’s the cliché that you have to tell. Minsan po and that’s what happens to
society na when a friend comes to you, you say hindi naiintindihan kita (unclear)
P: Sasabihin sayo, hindi naiintindihan kita, pero di ba, okay ka na ngayon? The worst thing that
was told to me was one day wala, 6 months baliw. It takes six months for you to know if you
(unclear) bakit kasi? Alam ko recent sya, (unclear) ko ijajudge. I just had to tell her, you know,
be my friend. Kasi, nakakatawa eh, I’m an advocate, so I know what she should say. I’m kind of
educating but I’m also hurt so parang ang hirap. No, that’s not what you should say to me. Just
be a friend, just do this. Parang I also told my mom about…kasi my mom din nasunugan kaso
ako talaga yung pinaka-muntik na eh. My mom would say don’t think about it! Iba-iba kasi yung
coping. Sabi ko, Ma, Google it! Google how you debrief. Ayun, so I think I need debriefing
about that? And also from the wounds that I hear every day, every month. So impactful, yes. Is it
positive? Yes. But, is it exhausting? Yes. Kasi to be an advocate for this is hard. It’s not a one
time big time na, okay advocate ako, ayun na yon. No, people go to you and ask for knowledge
and advice. Para lang makinig. Eh kung di ka rin trained, di ba? Siguro idealistic pa. Anyway,
that’s the impact of my friend…well I hope she’s okay wherever she is now. Well, I’m not just
doing it for her, it started because of her. Yun, how impactful yan. Meron kaming Buhay
Movement, I’m doing campus tours, ang dami na, it’s tiring. We’re gonna have an art exhibit
soon, sana makapunta kayo. Art therapy, sabi ko sa galleries, ah, you know, save lives through
art and from their art, di ba? So networking, networking. Imagine listening to this and sharing
(unclear). Ayokong madesensitize. Sana hindi. I just have to focus on what else could be done.
(unclear) it’s my seond life. Yun ata yung sinasabi nung may trauma eh. Kasi may nagsabi na
sakin nun eh, like, you know you’re just saying that. It’s just a response. Eh di sabi ko, ah eh di
maganda syang response. Awayin mo ko sa ginagawa ko. Nakakainis kasi eh, na parang
ginagawa mo lang yan kasi you’re reacting to a tragedy. Then, it’s a good reaction, isn’t it?
Laban din (unclear) kesa naman yung anong gagawin ko. Ano naman to, iba-iba rin eh. And
these are people who also have mental issues. Ang hirap din eh. If you form, like a team. May
nagsabi sakin, nag-volunteer, Ma’am, I want to volunteer because I believe in your cause but do
you want me there? I’m bipolar. So parang nag-volunteer ka pero ija-judge mo yung sarili mo,
parang no, we just…kasi mamaya, I’m just warning you. Eh di, let me meet you first. I’ve met
strangers na medyo risky pero once they know you’re sincere, then yun. Tatag lang. tatag lang na
may mga katulad nyo. Ganyan. Nag-aaral nito. Si Dr. Queenaly (?), do you know her? Queenaly
(?) Chua. Clinical psychologist in Ateneo. Yan. She has a book about life line. If you want. It has
scripts daw eh about what to say. Ah, hindi mo naman kailangan i-memorize. I haven’t read it
pero sinasabi nya it would help also in your study about life. And she’s also just, ah, shocked
kasi tumaas yung rate for the past year, past five years (unclear) di rin nya alam eh kasi
nashashock din sila. So when they were (unclear) ay thank you kasi naaano rin sila eh. Di rin nila
alam pa. Kasi nga medyo hindi pa to inaral?
R: Tsaka we think din po kasi that’s why we really got interested in studying this po kasi talaga
na it’s the people who are left behind that are actually…that have to actually live with the
experience. So, you’re going to have to know how to deal with it. And how to talk to people who
have experienced it kasi, like, you said nga po. They’re really the ones who have a hard time.
With you as an advocate, you still have a hard time with your friend. What more did people who
are still really clueless.
P: Well, I really don’t know. Baka mamaya dahil aware ako mas sensitive ako or baliktad.
Depende naman. I still have to know the process of talking about it and not talking about it. Or
talking about it responsibly. Kasi kunwari, UP Diliman, they have an open mic for mental health.
Ganda sana eh. What happened was, they just kept sharing their stories. How they tried to do it,
their attempts. And then walang debriefing. One of my volunteers were already triggered. And
then they leave. Dapat merong processing. Katulad nung kunwari, meron kaming art exhibit. I
would be careful. Kailangan meron kayo psychologists, kahit man lang representative samin na
magsasabi na o, now that you have disclosed it through your arts, you seek help. Where will you
go? Ayun, Buhay Movement. Meron kaming list. Affordable yan. Cheaper, free. Kailangan may
mag debrief or anong gagawin nya kapag may nag-suicide.
R: It’s not just leaving them exposed (unclear)
P: Yes. Ganun sya ka…ka-complex. It’s not a one time big time event na okay, concert na
(unclear). Or kunwari tapos na yung event, walang fun. Eh yung mental health…kailangan lagi,
pero nakakapagod. Pero kailangan laging may debriefing. Yun. So yun yung impact sa akin. I’m
doing my best just to be (unclear) and hindi ko rin akalain na ang dami pang dapat gawin?
(unclear) isa pa yan. Studies on mental health. Arts therapy wala pa ngang masyado eh. Gusto ko
sana yun kasi cheaper siguro yun, ano? Ewan ko kung ano ang sasabihin ng mga psychologists
namin dun. Pero for me kasi, it’s a step. Just a step. Maybe, uh, it’s a step that would save
somebody. Bakit hindi, di ba? So, there you go. Um, based dun sa mga advocates namin na nag-
survive? Impact nun? Eh, pakinggan nyo na lang yung spoken word nila. Di rin kasi eh…sige,
spoken word kayo. Yung iba kasi eh severe, sensitive issues eh. Child abuse, lalabas sa spoken
word nila. Meron akong volunteers. He’s a nude artist. As much as he wants to educate people
about what happened to him when he was raped, kasi lagi nya yung sinasabi eh, so nakahubad
sya. Magsasayaw-sayaw sya tas ipapakita nya yung sa art nya na ito yung advocacy ko. Para
malaman ng tao kung anong gagawin. Pagkatpos nung na-hospitalize. So, ingat lang din, di ba?
Yun young impact sa kanya. Kahit gusto niya na positive change, nahohospital…yun yung
pattern nya kasi eh. Nahohospitalize siya every now and then.
R: Still an internal battle.
P: Oo, siguro kasi nagsa-psychosis sya. Tapos naaalala nya yung abuse, di ba? Yun naman yung
impact sa kanya.
R: Nagsastruggle between want them to make a change and saving yourself as you are in the
process.
P: Yes. Kaya maingat ako sa kaibigan ko na sige ako na lang muna kasi kaya mo pa naman, di
ba? And kung…I’m looking for other ways to cope din kasi mabigat talaga siya. Mabigat in a
sense na, yeah, bubuo ka ng org pero yung nature ng project or ng org, mabigat. Pinoprotect ko
yung friend ko ngayon, o sige wag ka munang magpaka-busy because of this. Because it’s not
helping. It’s fine with me. Ayun nga lang, he would always say na I’m trying to be better.
Sasabiin nya, I want to be there for my friends. So parang ang hirap, di ba? Sabi ko no, okay na
just…mas gugutuhin kong ayusin mo muna yung sarili mo ngayon bago ka mag-ayos sa iba.
Kaya mo pa naman. Kaya mo pa naman. And it’s…I would be devastated if he’s just gonna be
gone because he’s helping other people…alam mo yun? Parang tutulungan ako pero sya naman
di nya natutulungan sarili nya. Hirap eh. So ngayon, ako muna. Yung isang co-founder nasa
Canada eh. So I’m making a strong student arm through campus partnership para alam nila ang
gagawin nila. So nagstart kami sa school, tapos ayun, uh, art exhibits, removing the stigma. That
is, I think the best impact on me trying to be an advocate. Help out, remove the stigma. So that
when they talk about it, they’ll be responsible, they’d know what to do, they’d know where to
go. It’s gonna be…normal? Na parang ah okay she’s going through something, depression wag
mo ng husgahan dalhin mo na agad, di ba? Wag mo na husgahan. Dalhin mo na, o kaya
pakinggan mo muna. Yeah and I also learned a lot, um, kasi yung grupo ko dati, hindi, grupo ko
rin naman ngayon. We’re surrounded with artists kaya ako nagpa-art therapy kasi nga madami sa
kanila…meron pala sa kanila diagnosed, kaya ang gaganda ng art, di ba? Pero kasi dangerous
yun eh. So sabi ko dun sa kaibigan ko if you’re going to promote them, just promote them and
not take care of their mental health. What is this for, sayang din, di ba? So apart from students,
we want to take care of the artists we try to help kaya sabi ko, go tayo sa art therapy. Di mo
naman matatanggal yung art sa kanila eh. They’re very creative. Pansin ko din sa mga estudyante
ko dito na may mga ganong ideations, very creative, very smart. Eh kasi grabe yung ano nila eh,
IQ. Pero pagdating sa coping, ang hirap.
R: Parang hindi po nila nahahandle.
P: Oo, yung iba sa art, iba I don’t know where. Well, they read a lot. Sylvia Plath, mga ganyan. I
don’t even know if it helps. Pansin ko lang pala yung mga tinuro ko nagpakamatay pala yung
mga writers, sabi ko bakit? Nakakainis. Anyway, there you go. Ano pa? Ano pang tanong nyo?
R: I was curious lang po. How was the feeling of losing a friend from a disease different from
losing a friend from suicide?
P: The feeling? Intense. First ever yung feeling na yun. Bakit? Syempre malungkot. Pero hindi
ako yung tipo ng tao na kapag malungkot hindi ko na haharapin yung lungkot. Pasalamat na
lanng siguro ako (unclear) haharapin ko na. Nandun nga ako sa wake, four times. And then the
dad was like oh suki sya, suki. Lagi syang nandito. And then it madethem better. It made them
feel better. Kasi naaalala siguro nila yung anak nila. Yung iba kasi talaga hindi kaya. Kapag
yung nangyre…I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna see her. I want to remember her as this, ganyan,
remember her as that. Eh ako ehhh, I want to see her, di ba? I’m just, you know, ask her myself
why kahit alam kong walang sagot. Or, you know, kamusta? Ano ba yon, uh, syempre wala
namang proof na sasagot pero tinatanong ko pa rin. Probably psychologists would say that this is
my way of coping eh nagpakita sya sakin eh anong gagawin ko dun, di ba? Ayun. I don’t know.
Nung anniversary, death anniversary nya, nagpakita din daw sya sa iba kong friends. Siguro
dahil, sabihin na natin (unclear) wala naman talaga tayong mapuprove, di ba? So, kung
naghahallucinate man kami or namimiss lang naming sya, eh di namimiss lang naming sya. Yun
lang yun. Pero ako, I believe na, it’s my way of remembering her, so it’s okay. It’s okay for me
to remember how she died. How she was before suicide. Parang part kasi sya eh ng buhay nya.
Parang tanggap mo sya. Tanggap. Kahit na masakit. Kasi kailangan mong tanggapin yun eh.
Pano ka magmumove forward? Idedeny mo? Ay hindi, hindi yan masakit. It’s not the truth
eh.Well at least for me. Sasabihin sakin ng friend ko, ah kasi kaya mo. Iba talaga yung coping
mech ng iba’t ibang tao eh. Kasi kaya mo, kasi malakas ka. Ako, hindi. Ayoko namang sabihing
eh di tulad ka sakin. Magkaiba kami eh, di ba? Pasalamat na lang ako na kaya ko. Sana kayanin
ko pa. Kasi I know I’m gonna need more. Especially my volunteers. Parang sabi ko, kaya ko ba
to? I need all the support that I can get. And this interview? Better for me kasi also I guess,
processing. Talking about it. Okay lang. People…I would see the purpose. Yun. Lagi yun. Kapag
may nakita akong magandang purpose, mas natatanggap ko. Kunwari kapag naalala kong
nagpakamatay kaibigan ko. Iniisip ko may purpose. And then okay na. Yun. Kung relative ko
yun baka hindi ko kayanin. Kunwari, let’s say my sister? That’s tough. Pero any death naman is
tough. Parang there would always be that guilt. Why didn’t I do enough? Yung student ko
namatay sa cancer. Punta ako dun, didn’t I do enough? Parang ganun. I didn’t know kasi. I didn’t
know you had that. Parang syempre I’m trying to understand my friend. Mahirap talaga. So,
there you go. I think she’s getting better. She seeing someone. She already went to a psychiatrist
kasi pinasuggest ko na sa kaibigan ko na tulungan mo. Di ko kayang ako lang to. Pakisabi sa
kanya na pumunta sya. Or encourage her just to ask help. Ginawa naman nya. We’re gonna meet
tomorrow for an event. We hope she’s okay. Bakit?
R: Interesting lang po. Kasi so far sa mga interviews po naming iba-iba po talaga yung…
P: Talaga?
R: Opo pero parang…so far sa mga interviews po, they were able to turn the situation into
something positive, which wasn’t really what we expected. We thought we are gonna hear
talagang struggles, but sa ngayon, the experiences were channeled into a more positive view.
P: Well, I cannot speak for my friend. My friend would say no. I would know her. Sabihin nya
ayoko. Pero syempre hindi nyo yun maiinterview, papatayin ako nun. Sabihin nun, hindi ako
mabuting kaibigan. Eh ano pa naman yun, writer. Galing nun, galing nun magsulat. Artist kasi.
Sabihin nun, masakit yun magsalita eh, sabihin nun, baka sabihin nun pinamumukha mong hindi
ako naging magandang kaibigan. Bakit mo babanggitin yung pangalan nya? Syempre masakit
din for me kasi kaibigan ko yun.
R: Even po bas a family ng friend ninyo, was the idea of suicide kind of shunned po or…medyo,
not naman open po, but were they…did they acknowledge the fact (unclear) or the stigma is
really there?
P: Uh, ano eh…sa pagkakakilala ko kasi sa daddy ng friend ko, yung daddy ng friend kong yun,
mataas yung expectations nya. As in, sobra. Nagagalit kapag hindi natutupad to. Eh hindi din ata
siya naging masaya sa course nya nung college. Magaiba kami ng course. Sabi nya sakin, sana
nag-Educ na lang ako. Sana nag-Law ako. Hindi siya naging masaya sa course nya kasi after that
nahirapan syang kumuha ng work. That’s what I know. Nahirapan syang kumuha ng work and
she…she worked in a call center, that’s the environment that she was in. Then yun nga, shifts.
And it’s her birthday. Ewan ko, I don’t know why pero every time I see her on her birthday,
accident lang sya. Uy birthday mo ngayon, ganyan. Uy birthday mo. Laging ganun. Nakikita ko
sya sa SM, naggo-grocery. Kasi gagawa daw sya ng food…megpeprepare sya ng food or ng
meal for the family. So…if I’m gonna be dramatic about it parang mag-isa ka! Birthday mo.
Bibili ka para sa sarili mo, di ba? Parang…every year, ganun. Pero iniisip ko, ah baka masaya
naman sya sa family nya. Pero it turns out, malungkot sya. Pero there was also an instance, naka-
try ata sya ng drugs. Di baa ng drugs pwede kang palakasin yung loob para gawin, yun. Yun ang
alam ko. Pero siyempre pag kaibigan mo, eh wala, ah wala yan. Di ka maaadik dyan, di ba? Pero
the fact na meron siguro, sana wala, hindi ko rin alam eh. But she already knows about the effect.
So ang speculation namin ng friend ko, baka nagdroga bago nya gawin. Kasi she would not do it.
She was a strong person, in terms of being opinionated. Kilala ko siya na…ganon, na magjojoke
sya, sasabihin nya opinion nya. Tas galit na sya. Magrarant na sya, ganon. We would never
thought that she’s depressed.
R: Before that po, there’s nothing different about her? Talagang wala kayong napansin behaviors
or anything?
P: Wala. Ewan ko sa friend ko. Naka may dinisclose sa kanya yung…kasi she was crying to me.
Sabi nya sana ikaw na lang yung friend nya. Malamang may alam yung kaibigan ko…na hindi
ko na din masyad inaalam. Kasi nga it was not disclosed to me. Lalo na uncomfortable sa kanya,
ewan ko kung nakapunta na sya sa puntod ng…kasi yun yung sharing niya eh, di ko pa
napupuntahan ang puntod mo. After a year. Can you imagine that? And I’m doing this. And I
feel that she could feel it, like, how come she can do it and I can’t? Always the conflict, and
she’s one of my closest. Again, my focus is, it’s not about her. Not just about her. And I’m tryig
to help her the best way I can. I’m monitoring her through other friends and…but I also have
other volunteers who die. Volunteers have trauma. Students who want to die. Di ba…so, there
you go. Kaya yang sinasabi mong positive, oo postivie, sa akin. Pero iba kasi ako dun sa
kaibigan ko. Ako, masasabi ko, negative to sa kanya. Negative to sa kanya. Pero kasi iba rin
yung personality nya. Yang kaibigan kong yun, matagal na din syang medyo depressed.
Personality nya…kaya ang gaganda ng works nya kasi humuhugot. Yan, humuhugot ng
magandang…talaga, member ng ano yan eh, LIRA? Alam nyo yung LIRA? Ah hinde? LIRA is
ah…headed by Rio Alma, the father of literature dito sa Pilipinas. Gumawa ng magandang
version ng Noli. Yung may hat na…basta sya…mentor niya yun eh. So ganun sya kagaling. And
I know how good she is. I try to understand her. Kasi every time na nagti-tweet sya, laging sad.
For a year ah tinary ko, kasi ewan ko ba. I wanted to understand my friend. I wanted to help her
out. So what I did was, I tweet everyday sadly, and after a year, it’s not me! Like people are
going to me are you okay? Yeah. Pero sabi ko ganto pala yun. Ako kasi back then, I was more of
a rant. Feeling ko kasi, when you’re angry, when you’re passionate drives you to do things.
Medyo aggressive I tried to control it. Nagmu-muay thai pa ko nun eh. Sabi ko pa nun ay
defense, self-defense, feminist ako! Empowered ako. pero hindi pala maganda yun. Yung impact
sa kin nito nagging understanding, kasi nga may mga taong hindi mo dapat inaaway. Kasi nga
literature teacher ka, arguments come to arguments, debates, you critique…eh Lit crit eh
feminist, Marxist minsan lagi mong inaaway ah feeling mo ang tali-talino mo di ba? Akala mo
bobo lahat eh hindi naman dapat ganun. So medyo nag-ano ako…I have to be more
understanding and accepting and open to what they’re going through, to what they think about,
pain, di ba? Di naman basta-basta eh. Their history on pain. So yun, positive sya sakin. Negative
siya sa friend ko, sadly.
R: Last na lang po. What advice can you give to those who have lost someone from suicide?
P: Oh, wow. Hirap eh. Um…advice…you go have a good debriefing. Don’t be afraid that…it’s
not wrong. As much as it hurts, you need to go through it. Not necessarily…soon. But you have
to go through it because it could also affect you pala especially if you don’t know how to cope.
Somebody, even if in your head, you say, I’m okay…maybe ha totoo I’m okay…you need to
hear it from other people that you are going to be okay. Mahirap kasing mawalan. Kahit nga
hindi nag-suicide di ba mahirap pa rin mawalan. Suicide pa ang daming tanong. Yun, um, yun
muna. Debriefing. To the right people. Somebody who would not shut you out. Somebody who
would not say na I know how you feel. Or not um would not judge you. But you cannot blame
them naman eh. Cause they also do not know how. Yeah, that’s one of the goals of Buhay. To
tell those people who listen how to listen and what to say. Kesa naman yung…tulad noon nung
nasunugan ako sabi sakin alam mo buti na lang na manawakan na lang kesa masunugan. Bumaba
ako wala akong damit, naka-towel ako nun, jusko! It’s the funny side of it. Bumabaka ako ng
room, ako yung pinakamukhang kawawa kase they’re all in party clothes, ako yung mukhang
ewan. Anyway so there you go. Sa ma nawalan: good debriefing, uh, get all the support that you
need. Walang mali sa paghingi ng suporta. Ah, ano pa? Ano pa, um. Maganda na may support
group, not peer counseling ah. Not necessarily peer counseling pero yung support group na may
professional din. Di pwede kasi yung, ako ah, yung sila-sila lang din. Tignan mo yung nangyare
sa estudyante ko, apat sila gusto nilang magpakamatay sabay-sabay. So yun. So yun sa mga
nawalan, kasi nga yung katulad ng iba kong friends natrauma, they tried to do it too kasi they
don’t know hot to handle. It’s not the best solution to have peer counseling, kailangan may
expert. O di ba? Dapat ako din pero andami ko kasing options so I don’t know. Ano pa, wag
maggamot agad, sorry. Sorry sa mga psychiatrists. Wag agd gamot kasi I’ve seen the effects. All
the ones traumatized by suicide kapag naggagamot ang daming trials di ba? Trial and error. I
have a friend 50. Trial and error 50. Anong ginawa mo ung 50? Wala. Ganun. I don’t know. It
still has to be studied, di ba? So para dun sa mga nawalan, okay lang na magdebriefing. Okay
lang na humingi ng tulong. Okay lang na umiyak. Yan. Okay lang din na pumunta sa grave, kasi
dun ka makakakuha ng support eh. Syempre yung iba ayaw eh kasi tatanungin sila. Feeling nila
huhusgahan mo sila. Uy kasalanan yan pupunta yang impyerno. Di ba ganun yun? Pero syempre
it takes time. It’s a culture thing. Dami pang pagdadaanan. Uh, ano pa? um, look for the best way
to cope. And the right way to cope too. Kasi yung iba cope to ano. Drugs yan, substance abuse.
Hindi maganda. Like sina Buencaminos di ba? They made a Julia Project. Pero for me, ang dapat
nilang gawin, sana gawin nila, strong parental support. So wala pa eh. Dami dyan eh. Sa
Miriam…kaka-parenting seminar lang. Because of that, they don’t know what to do. So parang,
hindi rin nila masabi. Kasi parang nahihiya yung iba o parang shocked sila eh. Nakita nila yung
anak nilang dugu-duguan, anong gagawin mo, di ba? Umiiyak ka na lang din ba? Papangaralan
mo? Hirap. And then they’re really young. I really don’t know why. Grade 8, Grade 5. Yan, wag
maggagamot. Pag may nawalan. O may mga suicide ideations. Hingi agad ng tulong. Wala
namang problema dun eh. Pero syempre, may mga abusive kasing psychologists. May mga
abusive din na psychiatrists. Lahat. May abusive na mga tao. Just…try. Try to look at your
options. Di ba? Yun naman yung binibigay naming flyer eh. Options. Hindi lang HOPE line.
Hindi naman kami nag-eendorse ng clinic. We’re just giving you options because people do not
know their options.
R: They just find what’s the best for you.
P: Or what’s common. Kunwari, HOPE line. Tas pag hindi nag- work, wala na silang
pupuntahang iba. Eh marami pa naman. Okay pa kayo?
R: Okay naman po.
P: Really yung iba din positive lahat?
R: So far, so far.
P: Ano bang assumption nyo?
R: Yun po. Parang may negative side po kasi…parang yun lang po yung common pero siguro po
yung iba nga mahirap mag- disclose so di sila pumpaayag magpa-interview. Kaya po siguro
halos positive yung nakuha namin.
R: Aim of the study’s to really just be able to shed a light on how to deal with people who
are…kasi it starts there po. We belive that parang when people go, kunwari, someone comes near
me regarding a topic like this, ako rin mismo siguro, anong gagawin ko? Anong…what? Do I
encourage you to talk about it or stop you from talking about it kasi baka matrigger ka lang?
what? What do I actually do? So our aim is really to try and shed the light, and what would work
best for those..well you said nga, the statistics says that those really depends on the person.
P: Well, a psychologist told me that the main goal of a psychologist is to normalize things. You
will always have triggers. There’s a movie about rape, matitrigger ka talaga doon. How do you
normalize? Well, the first thing is to talk. If not, then you process after. Mahirap though. Kasi
may iba na sobrang sensitive. Especially the ones who were abused when they were children.
Ay, when they were young? Hard. Hard. But they’re there for a purpose. Andami lang, ano.
Andami lang talagang loko din sa mundo, di ba? Why would you do that? Ang magandang aralin
anong dahilan bakit nagsusuicide. Well may studies na naman dyan. Number one, (unclear).
Number two, ano ba, mga trauma, struggles sa gender kasi nga hindi maka-disclose, so art
disclose in any form. Pero after that processing how would I cope with this disorder? How would
I cope with this problem? Hindi nareresolve. Eh ang coping ng marami ngayon, social media, di
ba? Diagnose mo pa sarili mo, I’m bipolar. May nagsabi sakin ha, yung advocate namin.
Survivor of Suicide. The best way, no, not the best way, one way to deal with it is forced
intervention. Extreme. Sabi nya, it’s the only way that saved me. I hated it. Akala ko iuuwi ako,
pupunta ko somewhere. Dinala ako sa hospital. From the airport nagsisisigaw daw sya. But then
it was forced intervention for the family kasi nga yun yung problema. Family mo, ayaw mo?
Halika, dadalhin na kita. It’s safer. But she didn’t like it. She hated it. Extreme yun. Forced
intervention. Kunwari may nagsabi sayo papakamatay ako. Dalhin mo agad sa parents, ganon?
Hirap. Pero isang suggestion yun, it helped one person I don’t know if it will help other people.
I’m teaching my students about the importance of mental health awareness. And also the
teachers. And also the principal. Ayaw niya kasi makarinig ng ganon. Ehhh, ang dami nun dito
eh hindi mo ba inaacknowledge?
R: (unclear) lack of attention people give to the importance of mental health (unclear)
P: because of the stigma. Word pa lang na mental health. Kaya nga kalusugan sya ng isip sa
Tagalog. Parang mas accepting ata yun. Lusog isip. Instead of saying mental health. Mental
institution agad. Hala may sira sa ulo. Lalo na yung parents, parents are like, no! My daughter’s
okay! What are you saying?
R: That’s one of the fears of children having the fear of sharing parang kilala na mismo nila
yung parents nila na ijajudge sa kanila
P: yeah. Tsaka sa kanila din. When you judge your own pain…mahihiya ka. Extreme guilt,
extreme humiliation, isa pa yang reasons for suicide, di ba? Suicide is what…the worst type of
depression? Yun yung natutunan ko sa mga nakausap ko na psychologists. And anyone…anyone
could be affected by…ay ayun pa, sa mga napag-iwanan, pwede mong sabihin sa kanila na hindi
kayo nag-iisa. Hindi lang kayo ang nakaranas nyan. Para maging okay sila. And just listen.
That’s the message, nandito ako. ako naman, ang na-contribute kong line, buhay ako at ako ang
buhay. I am life and I am alive. Hoping to make an impact but it’s so hard. We went to a bazaar,
nagbigay akong flyer, binalik sakin. Stigma talaga eh. Mas taboo pa sya kesa sa HIV awareness.
Kaya iba yung tapang eh. Yung lakas ng loob ng advocates ng mental health. Iba eh. Lalo na
yung hindi naman psych major. Alam ko, ah, malakas ang loob mo, go. They’re brave for saying
that you’re an advocate for it…cause you’re going to face a lot of stigma. And people would
challenge you and question, and say that, it’s all in your head. So, that’s my journey as an
advocate and after losing my friend and all the others. Well, I expet to lose more. Dumaan na sa
isip ko. Sana hindi, pero meron at meron din kasi talaga eh. Nangyare na eh. Lahat ng volunteers
ko feeling ko mga estudyante ko yan eh tapos biglang may mawawala. Do I blame myself for it?
Partly, yes. Sana inalagaan ko pa. sana yung minonitor ko sya, hindi yung isa. Lagi kasing ganun
eh. Meron kasi akong minomonitor laging naoospital, sya tahimik. Sya yung nawala. Laging
ganun, parang, hindi kaya. Hirap. Mabigat sya pero it keeps me going also. May purpose kasi.
Sana wala na pero…we can’t control everything eh. Di ka diyos eh. You’re not a super…person.
You’re just doing what you can.
Transcript of interview with Nicole
R- Researchers
P- Nicole
R: We believe that they’re a community that aren’t really masyadong finofocusan because ‘yun
nga ang parang ang feeling nila the focus must really be solely for those who committed the act
itself or how to prevent it and then yun nga po we want to show na it is also important kasi
minsan there are cases that it leads to ‘yun nga po dhail kunyari yung parents nagsuicide yung
anak then nadedepress and naglilead din doon. So later on the parents do it. It could sometimes
lead to a domino effect.
P: In fact when my *** died, he died 1988. December 22, 1988 less than two months after
nagsuicide yung kanyang other brother..
R: And was it something related to the brother?
P: Yes, it’s related because number one they are all depressed.
R: Okay po.
P: His younger brother, my dad was eldest. Siya yung nakakaintindi about depression. He would
go around and counsel ‘yung kanyang mga kapatid. So when it was his turn na nadepress and
tuloy-tuloy nagsuicide, what room is there for his brother. Less than two months he went missing
for mga a week. Ikot kami sa mga police station, sa mga parks and everything. Then he was
found sa isang *** Hotel sa Bocaue. NagOD siya and ‘yon. There was one sister, 24 years old
mother of 3. Umupo sa railroad tracks. Ay no no no, 30 years old at that time.
R: So how old were you po if you don’t mind me asking noong time po na ‘yon?
P: Let’s focus on my dad. When my dad, I was 19. I was 3rd year in UP sa community
development. I was very much pregnant. So ‘yon. It was three days before Christmas.
R: Would you say that the relationship you have with your dad po is okay?
P: Oh yes! I was a daddy’s girl. I was a daddy’s girl. Every time he was depressed, punta kami
sa break water sa CCP. Kasi taga-Vito Cruz kami at that time. Siguro ang maganda nito is ano,
the interview with *** on the suicide would be extensive. Ang gagawin ko ay I will give you,
ang magandang ano is send ko sayo yung link panoorin mo because I think most of the questions
answered there. Ano yung feeling ko a year afterwards. Andun siya lahat. And then you can
write down your other questions. Tapos you can email me or we can talk on the phone. Send me
the questions tapos babasahin ko siya then tatawagan kita.
R: O sige po.
P: Ano sa tingin mo?
R: Actually that would be good po.
P: Oh. At least maganda niyan you can always go back. Maganda siya. Let me find the…
Maganda ‘yung pagkatouch niya noon. In fact may isa pa siyang ininterview noon si ***. *** is
a bipolar. Ano sya. Ano rin siya doon, nainterview rin siya doon and then ***.
R: Ah okay po.
P: Bigay ko na sayo. Para ano. Mas productive yung talk. But what particular questions are you
ano?
R: Actually po ours is unstructured interview po siya. So it’s really more of a kwentuhan type
of… Pero meron po kaming guide questions.
P: Pasensya na ha. Inaano kita kasi maganda talaga yung ano, very ano. Tungkol sa relationship
namin, what was he like, impact on family side and what did the family, our relatives do. Ano
‘yong hindi nila alam, because a lot of them are well meaning but di nila alam ang gagawin.
R: Actually po ‘yun din po that’s why we wanted to conduct the study kasi at least for there to be
material out there. Kasi like ngayon po sa related literature po namin sa RRL, nahihirapan po
kaming find regarding ‘yun nga po in the Philippines most especially na parang anong gagawin
if your faced with the person na ganito yung naexpereince ganyan ganyan. Because you cannot
just tell them that they’re gonna be okay. So it’s more of ano po talaga.
P: Meron ngang ano e. If you’ve checked, have you checked websites? Ang magandang program
on suicide detection, prevention and awareness is Beyond You sa Australia. Of course there’s
this international, the ASF: Association of America suicide prevention. ASP or
R: So medyo articles po ito no?
P: Sineshare ko na sayo ngayon habang nagkekwentuhan tayo.
R: Probably we can just go through the questions po no?
P: Sige.
R: Para when I watch the video po medyo mas in depth. So yun po, basically it’s just to start off
po with how you heard what happened and what exactly happened po.
P: What happened sa ano?
R: Sa father niyo po. Let’s focus on it po.
P: He’s always been depressed as for as long as I remember. Bata pa ako I know there would be
times na iiyak siya, magkukulong sila ng nanay ko. Syempre bata pa ako. So the first death in the
family younger brother niya. Although not directly suicide but it was complication of drinking.
Alcoholism is an outlet for depression. So ‘yun yung una then sumunod 24 years old nagbigti
and then the third nagpasagasa sa tren na babae. Kamukhang-kamukha ko raw. So doon palang,
after the third. Yung third na namatay nagpasagasa, serious na sa amin yon. Dalawang malinaw
na suicide. And then yung isa nilang kapatid medyo mayaman. She was able to afford, she’s able
to afford medical treatment so up to now it’s been 4 decades na siyang nasa medication. Upper sa
umaga, downer sa gabi. Talagang so ganon na talaga. May outlet siya, may pera siya. My father
would be reading, would read articles about depression so ‘yun. Sa triggers, maraming triggers.
The business wasn’t doing very good. My mom had to leave for Saudi Arabia para magOFW
para kami makapagaral. Ah. Politics, magulo. Aktibista ang tatay ko, aktibista kami. He was very
close to ***. Inaanuhan lang nya. *** died. And *** died. Parang ano na di siya makarecover.
R: It was one after the other.
P: And then suddenly the favorite daughter’s pregnant. So yun,
R: One after the other po yung nangyari no.
P: So it was very difficult. It was the guilt, ‘Did I cause his death?’ That’s one of the questions
that kept on nagging me for years. Of course sasabihin sayo no big deal, but parang ‘O sige let’s
cut the ano sugar coating on it.’ I trigger the ano the suicide na I did not cause it solely but I
pulled the trigger. Maybe I did trigger it. So mahirap kasi yun nga, the guilt. Number one’s the
guilt. What you could have done na di mo nagawa for everyone. My mom she felt na kasalanan
niya kasi iniwan nya. My brother, kasi siya yung nagiisang lalaki dapat siya yung kasama. My
sister kasi siya yung panganay dapat siya yong nagalaga. Ako, dahil nabuntis ako. So each one of
us had this feeling na kami yung may kasalanan and it will take a long time for me to process it.
Ang ano siguro ang mas naging madali kung merong nakakaalam ng dapat gawin. ‘Ah!
Nagsuicide sya, ito ang counselor kausapin mo. Dalhin natin yan. Ito ang dapat gawin. Kaso
wala.e. Kumbaga sa pamilya kami pa yung mas liberal minded. So yung kami yung liberal
minded di namin alam yung mga gagawin namin. What more yung mga tao? Yung mga
relatives.
R: Ahmmm how did you find out po about what happened to your father? Were you at home?
P: No. I was in UP. It was lantern parade the night before so kailangan magkita kami. Sa
tradisyon namin yan. Kailangan mo magpakita. So nagsleepover na kami, the usual after lantern
parade naginuman. So nung kinabukasan tinatawagan ko siya walang sumasagot. ‘Yun ang tagal
tagal. I waited until it was mga 9 o’clock sa taga-Unilever nagwowork yung sister ko. So I called
her para lang kumustahin kasi di kami nagkita-kita the night before, tapos walang sumasagot.
Ang tagal bago sinagot, and then somebody picked up the phone and said ako si ganyan. ‘I am
the boss of your sister. You’re looking for your sister? Aah. Where are you right now.’ So I said
I am in UP. ‘Bakit di kayo nagkita kahapon?’ So I was asking, parang hanggang sa narealize ko
bakit ang dami nitong at bakit hindi yung sister ko ‘yung kausap ko. So I asked him, ‘Is my
father dead?’
R: So it was not just a feeling po no?

P: It has to be something really, the worst thing that can happen so I had to ask the worst thing
that can happen hoping that it’s not that. But it occurred.
R: So yung sister knew before.
P: My sister wasn’t there anymore because she found my dad, doon sa baba ng bahay namin.
Because he hanged himself maybe at 3 in the morning. In the morning pagising niya going to
work, nagisisigaw yung maid because nakita niya yung ano…
R: Kayo po? They were all living in the same house.
P: We were living at the same house except it was lantern parade.

R: Ah okay. So you weren’t there that night?
P: Yeah.
R: Ah okay po.
P: So imagine mo ‘yun tanungin mong, ‘Is my father dead?’ Tapos sasabihin sayo yes.
R: Parang that wasn’t the answer you were expecting.
P: I said it was just three seconds sa, parang hindi ko alam na. naghysterical ako. hysterical.
They have to give up the phone to di ko alam kung sinong kumausap sa... He was asking pa nga
sinong kasama mo dyan? So I said my boyfriend’s here. So your boyfriend’s there with you now.
Yung mga ganong tanong.
R: Parang why why why why would he ask me?
P: Oo ganon.
R: So immediately after you found out did you go home na rin po?
P: No. Kasi alam ko na nasa funeraria. We know the drill. Kumbaga expert na kami sa
namamatay. So my first question noong kausap ko ‘yung sister ko is, ‘Asan si kuya?’ Kuya was
in a advertisement shoot. May talent din sa baguio. Remember wala pang cellphone noon,
walang beeper so we had to wait for him to get home. My mom was abroad, sabi ko okay. Paano
malalaman ni mama? Sabi niya, somebody’s going home daw to Laguna to tell my tita. Tita,
sister-in-law ni mama, ang asawa is brother niya. Yung asawa ng brother ng mama ko ang
kasama ni mama sa Saudi. Sabi ko, ‘No no. Kaysa sa pupunta pa doon sa Laguna then sasabihin
then tatawag sabi ko yung bestfriend ni mama na nasa Saudi taga dito sa Quezon City.
Tatawagan ko yung husband na nandito so that he will call his wife and tell my mom.
R: Para mas direct yung…
P: So ang kwento ng nanay ko, may tumawag kay tita ***, yung friend niya nga and then
namutla tapos uminom ng pang-anti high blood na meds tapos lumabas tapos nagtatawanan daw
sila. That time nagkekwentuhan ang nanay ko na, ‘Ah next year Christmas ako sa bahay,
magkicriss cringle kami. Bibili ako ng Christmas tree na maganda.’ Ganon yung kwentuhan nila
noon nung tumawag, so she went out, went to my tito sinabi nila and then mama. Mamaya may
tumatawag kay mama so lumabas daw siya doon sa employees lounge. Nakita niya yung mga tao
nagkakagulo. Tapos sabi niya, ‘O bakit, anong problema anong ano?’ Akala niya may nagaaway.
Kasi alam mo naman mga Pilipino. And then meron daw isa lalapit kay mama na babae. Tinulak
nung dalawang brother ng nanay ko older at saka yung youngest brother. Tinapik daw ng
younger brother. ‘So ano bakit wag kayo magaaway?’ Tapos sabi daw nung elder brother, halika
***. Halika usap tayo so naglakad sila doon sa… Nakangit pa nga e. Tapos umiyak na yung
brother. Umiyak yung elder brother, then sinabi na.sa kanya. Akala niya nasalvage ang tatay ko.
So that was Thursday so inasikaso ng lahat. May nagempake daw ng kanyang bag, may
nagtawag sa head ng university, head ng university hospital. Inayos yung kanyang leave kasi di
niya na. everything’s a daze hanggang sa nakasakay siya ng eroplano na nakapajama siya.
Naempake yung gamit niya na hindi niya alam kung ano yung nangyayari. Tapos people pitched
in, may pera siyang bitbit na ambagan ng mga tao. Then pagdating niya, December 24 sa UP
chapel kami, before she went to see my dad tanong niya sa akin, ‘Buntis ka ba?’
R: Mmm. Was that that time she didn’t know pa po during that time?
P: Alam nila na medyo delinquent na ko that time, nagboyfriend minsan di umuuwi.Whatever.

Kalokohan ko nun. So imagine the stage inside the chapel.
R: So after po that what were your… What were the challenges po? I’m sure you’ve experienced
much challenges brought by the experience…
P: The challenge here it took me years like 7 years to actually mourn for my dad, because I was
overpowered. I knew I didn’t have get to married because I’m pregnant, pero I felt to set things
right. After all mahal ko naman yung boyfriend ko, first boyfriend. So I got married and paguwi
ko dun sa in-laws ko sa Angeles, they told me not to tell anyone about my father sabihin ko raw
na heart attack. So one time during a family event may nameet ako na dentist na relative nila and
we were in a business in the dental industry. My father was an inventor, an engineer. So we
manufacture dental chairs. So we were the first in the Philippines na locally manufactured chairs.
So ‘genius ang tatay ko, tapos yung relative ng dentist sabi niya, ‘Ah ***. Sinong tatay mo?
Parang namatay ang tatay mo.’ And I said heart attack. And it was very painful for me to tell
someone na heart attack ang ikinamatay ng tatay ko dahil hindi iyon ang ikinamatay ng tatay ko.
And I’m not ashamed of it. But my in laws they were ashamed and then yung ano, I’m separated
eventually. ’95 naghiwalay kami. So after 8 years. I was even told by during one of the away I
was told by my in laws and my ex-husband kaya daw nagpakamatay daw ang tatay ko dahil sa
akin. So imagine yung akala mo okay na and then dudut-dutin uli ng ganon.
R: And for them to have that mentality to the …
P: Oh yeah. And then basta marami. Maraming ah… Of course my mom would say different
things. Sasabihan sya nagpakamatay asawa niya dahil sa kanya.
R: So it was also the experience of the people around you. Before actually experiencing it first
hand with your father po what were your personal views po on suicide? Like in general, kunwari
po may balita..
P: Wala kasi ang first ano ko, exposure ko ng suicide was 10 years ago. Advance kami. So wala
it’s a cause of death.
R: Ah okay. So even after what happened to your father was it still the same?
P: Oo it was the same. Ahhmmm. Iba kami and we were raised to be very open sa mga issues so
we knew about suicide and depression. Pero yun actually thing ano yung dapat gawin, yun ang
hindi. Ang alam ko lang is very judgemental yung tao. Noong ako naexperience ko na. Kami
hindi kami judgemental, it’s just a cause of death diba. pero nung naexperience ng tatay namin.
Sa tatay ko? Tabloid. Hindi naman kami worthy na madyaryo but suddenly my dad was a whole
front page story it was ‘Negosyante nalugi nagbigti.’ Three words, diminished yung how
beautiful a person is, how kind, how intelligent and it’s for everyone to see. Alam mo yung
babasahin ng tao. Yung nalugi kasi and yung asawa nag-Saudi. Oh I cried. I don’t know if
ibang… Yung iba mong nainterview is naexperience yung that kind of pinagpyestahan ng
tabloids. It’s something na nakakagalit. I am so mad at that, di nila alam na matuluinging tao
yung tatay ko, mabait siya. He invented things.
R: So besides the anger that you felt po with the people who were seem to be too involved in the
story of your father po, kayo po ba personally did you feel anger towards your father on any one
else?
P: Never. Never. More of ah ano pa more of galit pa sa akin on what I did to my father. I wasn’t
able to stop it. Mas yun pa, pero I got angry to him never. Kasi beautiful person siya talaga, wala
ka talagang sinasabi.
R: Ahmm yung ano na nun po, now I would like to focus on your experience as a suicide
survivor po. How were you able to cope with it po? Knowing that it’s been, it took you what?
Seven to eight years.
P: Noong humiwalay na ako. eventually I don’t know which one. My father died because he
killed himself not because I was pregnant. Nobody caused that suicide it was his choice. So yun.
Sakaling acceptance. Hindi kasi noong kwinento ko na nang kwinento I was very open about it.
Ano na siya it’s a part of the healing process. Pero the more na tinatago the time na married ako
those were the worst years. Kasi the more yung guilt mo na hide-hide yung pagkamiss mo sa
kanya, yung galit mo sa sarili mo. Pero that moment you accept things. E nagsuicide na e. Wala
ka ngang magagawa. That’s where…
R: Pag nagkekwento kayo, when you share your stories. Were you just able to share it in with
clinical professionals, or did you really share it with other friends?
P: Oh I shared it with an audience of five thousand. I shared with everyone who want to know.
Why? Because they might know someone with the same. Or baka andyan na rin pala yan right in
your ear pero di nila marecognize. Kung di man namin napigilan yung sa tatay ko, maybe by
sharing the experience baka mapigilan nila ‘yung ano. Pero yun lang, mahirap. Pero umiiyak pa
rin ako. natatawa nga ako kasi ngayon di ako naiiyak. Sinasabi ko nga sa mga tao, ‘Wag kayo
masashock ha kasi iiyak ako. kasi iyakin ako.Wag kayo magwowowrry’ So it was okay ka lang?
‘Okay lang po kasi the only way that I can share it na as truthful is to get in touch with how I
feel, how I felt then and what I feel now.
R: So really after all these years po, there comes a point that you share it po talaga…
P: I always cry. I always cry. Because ano e. Hindi siya a non-feeling moment of your life. And
that person is not just anybody, not a normal person. So when you share it you feel everything
that is attached to that person. Attached memories. Attached values.
R: How about external factors po that helped you with coping like. Religion? Friends? Family?
P: Friends. Support group. Sense of humor is very important. I was distracted because I was
raising kids but that’s also my source of depression pero in a way a distraction. Sense of humor
is very important. It’s very important that may support group. They understand mental health.
They understand. It helped that I was not living a pretentious life. Kung ano ko, yun yung alam
nila. Of course not for everyone. Di ko naman ifacebook yung sad story. I have always cued to
be a strong person. When I am not strong, I tell people I am not strong.
R: So one of the biggest things po talaga that come to help you accept things is to actually
acknowledge that it happened.
P: Yeah. You have to acknowledge it and then not to be too hard on yourself. You have to stop
blaming yourself.
R: So in terms po of dealing with people who are suicide survivors. What could you suggest to
those people who will face suicide?
P: Yung suicide survivors, ang hirap kausapin sila. Parang mas gusto ko pang kausapin yung
mga taong nakapaligid sa suicide survivor to tell them that these are the things you have to let
them cry, you have to let them express. You have to let them go through the stage. But
throughout that ano experience, you have to assure them that it’s not their fault. Kasi madaling
sabihin, ano e. Kung ako ang magsasabi sa akin, let’s say ikaw close friend kita parang, ‘Wag
mong isipin yan.’ Minsan prescriptive. Gusto ko silang saksakin, nakakainis. Pinakahate ko sa
lahat yung magsasabi na, ‘Idasal mo lang, daanin mo lang sa dasal. Baka kulang pa sa dasal ang
tatay mo.’ Nakakainis. Inis na inis ako. Naiinis ako. We’re not sobrang religious. We’re not
religious. We are spiritual ahhhh to the point that we’re agnostic. Meaning we believe in God but
we do not practice religion. But we’re very spiritual. So nabibwisit ako nang husto. Nakakainis.
Pet peeve ko yan, yung religion. So yung question niyong faith kaya nadedepress kasi kulang sa
dasal, sige nga magdasal ka dyan sa kinauupuan mo.
R: So other than that po ba yung sa experiences ninyo so how else were you able to show or
promote that awareness po of everything that has happened?
P: Yun speak out. Imagine ha, lima silang magkakapatid. Namatay because of depression. Ilan
ang anak niya? May asawa, may pamangkin, may mga kaibigan walang nagsasalita. So actually
medyo ano pa yun. Nung nagcome out ako, ano yan it was very controversial but akala ko
magagalit sila lahat sa akin. At that time galit sila, pero ngayon kalmado na sila. They’re actually
very happy that it’s finally out. Di na nila kailangan magtago.
R: So initially po your family also had that stigma internally.

P: Ay kami? Yung family namin per se wala pero yung extended family. Yung mga kapatid.
R: So ganon po parang ayaw nilang pinagsasabi, pinaguusapan?
P: Oo. Kami-kami paguusapan namin prro sa iba parang you evade the issue. You do not deny
but you do not talk about it.
R: Kasi po one of our studies po actually was medyo tiningnan po kasi namin yung parang trend
ng within past times of the suicide victims and everything. Tapos parang nakita nga po na lowest
daw po ang Philippines sa Southeast Asia. So ang tiningnan po doon, isa sa tinitingnan na angle,
‘cause we got and read an article by Doctor ***. We read her article po, one of the things she but
she didn’t specify she was just theorizing that a possible reason for the low count not only
because it’s religion but stigma in the society as well na underreported.
P: The reason why mababa because there’s no documentation because DOH, the government
does not see it as an important issue. They don’t have baseline studies. They don’t have any
programs. We only have a hospital. Ni sila nga sa department, they even remove the mental
health program. At ginawa na nilang hospital base. So we don’t have a mental health program na
hospital base if we don’t have an institutional program. So ‘yon and even si doctor ***, what I
don’t like about her when we met is that she doesn’t want to do an advocacy kasi kokonti lang
daw sila. Ah okay. Wag tayong magdvocacy kasi konti lang kami e. Baka di namin kayang icater
sila lahat. Parang stupid.
R: Eh it has to start somewhere …
P: Tska she wants ano well ahmmmm, may mga tao na gusto nila ng credit in the program
instead of actually promoting the advocacy. Sa akin kasi it’s an issue it should be universal. You
want a lot of people to talk about it. Yun. So yun yung sinasabi nila na underreported, yes.
Because there’s no baseline data. Because the government doesn’t have a base. Because they rely
on the pharmaceutical companies to create a program for them. NGOs ang magaganda. So ang
kailangan mong anuhin is CeFam Center for Family Ministries, Ugat Foundation, you look into
that. May mga… Merong mga metropolitan, metropsych. Meron siyang facility. And there are
others.
R: These are in the Philippines po?
P: Yes. Iseshare ko sayo ang mga… Makainterview ka if you want pa.
R: It’s amazing po kasi we know of a very limited lit prior to our research po. We only know of
ang alam lang namin is the Hopeline. So parang we haven’t really been aware with NGOs that
are…
P: Isang magandang gawin na program, is mapping of old resources for mental health.
Ahh.Maybe I should ano. Yung saan ba? Meron isang website Mental Heatlh Philippines. Lahat
ng articles, lahat ng ano, programs, lahat ng art therapy, lahat ng mga resources ng pwede mong
puntahan. Lahat ng seminars nandoon.
R: Yung sa Buhay movement po, actually that’s when we got to meet her po.
P: Sino siya?
R: Her name is ***. I forgot her surname po. Ms. ***.
P: Si **? I know ***.
R: Yes po, si Ms. ***. We got to interview her po.
P: He was an assistant of ***. Yeah she’s with, she also has a mental health issue and a…
R: We got to meet her po e. And here rin po. She got to share that po. She’s the one who started
Buhay Movement po, what they do is basically. Pag may lumalapit po sa kanila they have some
sort of a phone line pero since she works on volunteer what she does is meron lang silang they
present options to those who come. They have their own arts therapy. They also have
psychologists who work with them para iyon. Pag meron pong nag-aano ng art therapy and
everything but they’re more of a medyo mas hindi sila sa gamot side. Di sila nagpopromote nun.
They’re more on the natural side.
P: ‘Yan din yung linya ni ***. It’s the direction of ***. Diba si *** hiwalay. Diba siya nagawa
ng. branch? Pero if there’s a good program on that, on depression awareness and suicide
prevention I’d still go back to CeFam and Ugat Foundation because these are real entities na ano.
May trainings, may qualifications din sila for that.
R: Opo. Have you ever ano po volunteered for these organizations?
P: Oh yeah.
R: So you were able to help out to the people?
P: Saka yung ano ko yung the work I have done as executive director of *** at that time. I
created a program for children left behind of OFWs. So gusto ko yung angle na ‘yon because a
lot makes a mistake with these children. Yung dealing with the laws of a parent.Physical laws
tapos makikita niya, ‘Ay! Tamad magaral kasi walang nagbabantay.’ But they didn’t actually
consider na meron siyang emotional ano. Emptiness na kailangan niyang iaddress i-fill in. And
ang manifestation is mabarkada because there’s someone to give attention. And then it will make
petty crimes, substance abuse and teenage pregnancy.
R: So parang domino effect…
P: Yun yung ano ko. Prevention talaga. It’s more on. And the OFW parent goes back only to
find out yung drama ko dito wala kayong kwento was very understanding what each one of you
goes through.
R: So would you say po that your personal experience with suicide really played a big part in
you now being an advocate for suicide po?
P: Definitely. Yung mga programs na ginagawa ko as an NGO worker, social development

worker nakaencore lahat sa mental health experience lp, experience ko ng family ko, inano ko
siya kinonek ko siya sa socio-political situation natin. That’s why I have programs for single
parent. Because I’m a single parent rin sko. Dahil yan lahat sa experience namin, tatay ko. Pero
yun na nga you have to be… in a similar way it’s not just mental health you have the other issues
na nagpeplay around.
R: We’re down to our last question na po. It’s just more of ahhhh what advice could you give to
those who are going through what you’ve gone through like it doesn’t have to be an exact. More
of a distant advice for those who are left behind by people who commit suicide.
P: Ahmm. It’s good to acknowledge what we’re afraid of, no matter how bad it is. Acknowledge
it and find someone who would listen and validate kasi hindi mali yung naiisip mo. You just
need to clear it from someone na tama. You have the right to feel that and it’s just natural and
normal for us to feel that and not to hold back. We have to talk about what happened in order to
be okay. Kasi kailangan mo ng closure. You need to have closure. So yun yung maadvice ko is
its okay to feel alone. It’s okay you felt responsible for a time, but you also need to release
yourself from that question.
R: Sorry ma’am last na po because I heard you mention closure. Parang based on our past
interviews, that’s really one of the commonality because all your experiences the lack of closure.
Would you personally say you ever found closure?
P: Oh yes. Kasi if they’re going to find closure form that person who died, patay na yon. Saan ka
kukuha ng closure don. Kahit mura murahin mo, itapon mo yung ash hindi siya magcoclosure.,
you will do the closure for yourself, diba. Parang kahit anong mura mura. kahit magorasyon ka
dyan . kahit pa nga buhay na tao hindi kayang ibigay ang closure sayo. Yun pa kayang patay..
Ikaw lang magbibigay ng closure sa sarli mo, so the question is how do you want to have that
closure?
R: Okay po. It’s all about the mind set po talaga how you want to give yourself the peace of
mind.
P: Kasi kawawa. Tatanda. Kasi gusto ko lang kasi maalman bakit siya nagpakamatay. Paano mo
malalaman. Patay na siya wala siyang suicide note, wala siyang diary at kahit meron…
R: You cannot pin point it.
P: ang subjective. So how to get that closure? Seek professional help. Go to a psychologist.
psychiatrist therapist, family counselor kasi di ka professional.
R: Was that the time you started to seek professional help after your father or during that?
P: Hindi bago lang. Lasst year lang. Pero I’ve done self-therapy kasi nga sobrang exposed kami
diba. There was a time na meron akong moment when my marriage was falling apart, tatakbo
ako sa U Ave. umiiyak ako. kinakausap ko sarili ko. ‘Bat ka umiiyak kasi ang sakit sakit e.’ So
tumatakbo kang magisa. Wala namang makakarinig, ang sakit sakit e. eh bat ka nasasaktan. Eh
kasi mahal ko e. (laugh).
R: So it was more of you.
P: Yeah. Iempower mo talaga sarili mo.
R: And tska I think it’s really ikaw kasi nakakaalam sa sarili mo e. like you know what you
need. You know what you want to hear.
P: I think it’s one of the things na. sana maraming tao can reach that kind of self honesty. Kasi it
really helps a lot. Pag may problem ka, tanungin mo sarili mo. Sagutin mo rin sarili mo na
walang nakakarinig. Na you strip yourself naked of any biases kasi kung pag ikaw binola mo pa
sarili ang laki na ng problema mo.
R: Because its just you, and you just…
P: That has always been a practice sa akin. Pagka may problema ako. sige I allow na tamad, di
kikilos walang ano. Minsan iniisip ko, kay tama na drama mo. Anong problema mo? Anong
gusto mong gawin? Yun tinatanong ko siya. Sumasagot naman. Sasagot siya.
R: Okay po with that.
P: S ang utang ko sayo ay ishare young link because….
Trancript of interview with Kat
R- Researchers
P- Kat
R: Pakikwento naman kung ano ang relationship niyo ng nagcommit ng suicide? Sino bas a life
mo yung nagcommit noon?
P: So, ano, yung nagsuicide ay tito ko siya sa father side. Nangyari yung suicide noong around
11 years old pa lang ako noon. A few weeks before April, ang nangyari noon, nakita ko pa siya
around March, around last days ng March. Close siya sa akin in a sense na yung childhood ko
kasi, 2 years apart kasi kami ng mga siblings ko so tatlo kami. Noong ako pa lang, sobrang
frequent ko sa house namin sa, meron kasi kaming place sa parang baryo ganun. Tapos parang
yung mga tito ko kasama siya, sila yung nag- aalaga sa’kin. Bine- baby nila ako ganun. Tapos
only child palang ako noon kaya sila talaga yung nag- aalaga sa akin. Tas nung lumaki ako,
nakasama ko na yung mga anak nila. Siyempre na- eencounter ko sila. Tapos parang nag-do-
done on pa rin sila sa akin kahit meron na akong mga kapatid. Tapos noong time na yun, before
nung suicide. Frequent siya sa house namin. Pero hindi ko tinatanong yung reason kasi feeling
ko as a child, as someone na ano, wala pa akong business doon. Kasi kinakausap niya yung dad
ko, so parang it’s not my business to mingle sa kanila. Tapos yun na nga, a few weeks after,
dumating yung news sa dad ko n, ksi yung dad ko, pag may namamatay na relative, ako yung
una niyang sinasabihan kasi. Bukod sa mom ko, kasi young dad ko din medyo open din siya sa
akin if may chance. Tapos parang sinabi niya lang samin, ano patay na ganun. Pero hindi ko
alam yung reason noon, Tapos nalaman ko after few days na namatay siya due to hanging.
Hinang niya yung self niya doon sa, may backyard kasi yung house namin doon sa baryo so
parang, may malaking tree doon, tapos sobrang laking yard yun. Parang empty way siya papunta
sa house tas yung backyard na yun, makikita mo siya pag dadaan doon. Tapos yun, nakita nila
siya na nakasabit na raw siya. Tapos siyempre hindi siya nag-si-sink in noon kasi sabi ko parang
imposibleng gawin niya ganun. Tapos nalaman namii=n na planado siya, kasi di ba kapag nag-
hang ka sabi nila, yung pag hindi talaga planado, lalabas yung dila mo or something na ganun.
Pero siya as in like, napansin nap ala niya na nagaano siya ng rope noon, pero hindi nila alam
na ano, akala nila for farming stuff lang ganun, kaya naghahanap (?) siya. Tas yun pala
pinaplano na niya yun. Hindi ko alam yung certain time pero it’s like between lunch and
afternoon yata yun. Tapos nakita nila siya. Tapos ano, parang ano lang, parang nung medyo
mature na ako nung narealize nun, pag naiisip ko, sabi ko parang nagagalit ako doon sa mga
taong nakakita sa kanya, kasi may chance pa noon siyang mabuhay. Parang masyado silang takot
na galawin siya or parang i- lift siya, kasi di ba naka- hang siya. Kapag ni- lift siya, makakahinga
pa siya. Pero ano yun, siguro naiiintindihan ko rin na shock na nila yun or parang hindi rin nila
na- imagine. Eh yung mga nakakita sa kanya yung mga parents, yung mga grandparents ko tas
yung siblings niya. So yun, alam ko naman na parang mahirap na mag- act sa moment na yun. So
yun nga nung namatay siya sudden tapos parang very great loss sa akin.
R: Immediately mong after nalaman nung sinabi sa iyo ng dad mo yung news, ano yung nafeel
mo? Especially bata ka pa noong time na yun, ano yung initial reaction mo?
P: Uhh, siguro noon ano, uhm, naalala ko, medyo parang numb talaga siya, parang hindi ako
naniniwala. Parang there’s a sense na okay patay siya, pero parang makikita ko pa siya after
noon. Parang ano, hindi siya full na nagsink in. There are times na makakalimutan ko na ay
patay nap ala siya. Parang tatanong ko na pupunta ba siya ngayon? Tapos maaalala ko na ay
patay nap ala siya ganoon.
R: Eh yung sa parents mo, lalo na sa dad mo na kapatid niya, yung reactions nila, may na-
observe k aba kung paano sila nag- react doon sa news?
P: Sa dad ko, medyo closed off kasi siyang tao. Siyempre siguro ano, yung paniniwala na rin
niya as a guy na parang hindi ka dapat showy sa emotions mo. Pero parang nase- sense ko sa
kanya noon na aside from malungkot, parang ano din, nandun din yung sense na hindi din siya
makapaniwala na nagawa ng kapatid niya yun. Parang hindi siya nagagalit pero parang alam ko
sa kanya na sinisisi niya yung sarili niya na bakit hindi ko naitanong ito or bakit hindi ko
napansin na may ganitong thoughts, ganun.
R: Yung sa in terms of, parang meron bang challenges na parang naexperience, not only siguro
mo personally but also nung family mo na anong na- observe mong mga challenges na
napagdaanan niyo dahil nga doon sa news ng suicide?
P: Siguro meron yung time na iyon na hindi pa namin masyadong naiintindihan, pero sa age ko
noon parang nararamdaman ko na meron yung moment na nagsisisihan sila na bakit hindi nila
nagawang pigilan yung suicide na yun. Parang feeling ko parang “siyempe nakita ninyo”, sabi
nung dad ko. Parang ano yung dad ko noon, “nakita ninyo bakit hindi niyo tinulungan? Bakit
hindi niyo sinubukang sugurin?” Or something nab aka mabuhay pa siya ngayon ganun.
Siyempre yung pag- blame din nila na parang bakit hindi mo napansin na meron na palang
problema. Bakit hindi niyo man lang na- sense na papunta pala siya doon parang ganun.
R: So ang magkakasama doon sa house nung time na yun was yung grandparents mo tapos yung
tito mo and yung ibang kapatid niya?
P: Oo. Meron kasing tomb sa family nila. So sila yung nandun kasama yung families din nila.
R: Ah okay. So marami sila doon sa bahay?
P: Oo.
R: Yung tito mo single siya?
P: May family siya. Pero separated sila nung asawa niya.
R: Wala sa kanya yung anak niya?
P: Nasa kanya yung anak niya. Yung wife niya kasi nasa Manila nung time na yun. Pero ang
alam ko separated na sila. Tapos yung anak nilang dalawa is naiwan sa kaniya.
R: Na- witness nila yun first hand?
P: Oo yata. Hindi ko naitanong sa kanila noong time na yun, pero ang alam ko yung panganay,
siya yata nakita niya.
R: Eh ikaw personally, doon sa news, lalo na siguro nung you got a little bit older nung na-
realize mo na yung cause of death ng tito mo was suicide, paano mo natake yun? Paano yung
reactions mo, paano yung experiences mo nung ikaw mismo, nalaman mo na cause of death ay
suicide, lalo na ay medyo close ka sa kanya?
P: Siguro sa akin parang naga- grasp ko na yung idea ng pagsu-suicide niya. Parang inisip ko din
na kahit sana bata pa ako noon, sana may mga words nasabi sa kanya na maganda na nakapag-
encourage man lang sa kanya, na sana hindi na niya sana nagawa yun. Kasi naaawa ako para dun
sa cousins ko. Although kinuha sila nung mom nila, parang yung loss kasi nila noong time na
yun, siyempre kahit bata ka nakikita mo sa kanila, especially noong time na illibing na yung tito
ko, sobrang iyak talaga nang iyak yung cousins ko noon. Tapos parang ako talaga yung,
nalulungkot talaga ako para sa kanila kasi, although initially nung bineblame ko rin yung tito
ko na paano niya nagawang iwan itong mga cousins ko ganun. Pero after nun, narealize ko na
siguro may mga bagay na talagang hindi nakakayang idala ng isang tao. So parang nagagawa
niya yun. Pero yun, parang death is permanent kasi so, minsan kahit wini- wish ko na mabawi
niya yun, alam ko na hindi mangyayari.
R: Ikaw, personally, ano yung naging views mo sa suicide in general? Parang paano sa tingin
mong naka- affect yung personal experience mo of having someone in your life na nagsuicide
soon sa general na outlook mo with suicide?
P: Siguro ano, parang mas naging open- minded ako na huwag i- judge yung tao for the
decisions they make. Kasi naexperience ko nga yung may nagsuicide sa family ko, parang
naintindihan ko na merong bagay na hindi talaga natin kayang i- control minsan. So parang imbis
na i- blame nang i- blame natin yung sarili natin or yung mga tao sa paligid natin, parang i-
accept na lang natin tapos parang learn from that experience na hindi mo kayang i- control yung
mga bagay na nasa paligid.
R: So based doon sa suicide, ano yung mga changes sa pamumuhay ninyong family?
P: Siguro medyo naging mas distant na kami noong mga cousins ko siyempre nga lumipat na
sila. Medyo yung family din. Siguro kasi it’s something na hindi mahi- heal kahit gaano katagal.
Parang nandun na iyon, nandun na yung nangyaring nagsuicide yung tito ko na hindi
napaigilan. So parang medyo imbis na maging close kaming lahat, medyo nag- separate nang
slight yung family namin.
R: Eh personally, ano yung feeling mong nagchange sa iyo? Hindi naman exactly brought by
suicide, pero yung sa tingin mong saan nagka- impact yung suicide.
P: Siguro if sa self ko o yung sa mga bagay na connected sa akin, yung impact siguro ng suicide
is that parang I’m willing to take more risks sa mga bagay. Parang iniisip ko na yung buhay na
ito, kasi nga pag namatay ka na hindi mo na mababawi yun, kapag ginawa mo sa sarili mo yun
hindi mo na mababawi yun, so medyo cautious ako sa mga thoughts ko or something. Kasi
around highschool, medyo naggo ako into depression. Kasi grades and stuff ganun. Parang
feeling ko noon, I’m very alone. So meron akong suicidal thoughts noon tapos almost going sa
part na magus- suicide na ako. Pero, every time na iniisip ko na magka- cut na or nandun na
yung act, parang binabawi ko kasi naiisip ko yung tito ko tapos ung gaano kalaki yung effectniya
doon sa pagkamatay niya, sa pag- take niya ng sarili niyang buhay, kung gaano kalaki yung
effect niya doon sa taong nakapaligid sa kanya.
R: In terms of doon naman sa, di ba lahat naman ng mga namatayan, whether dun sa suicide or
not, talagang nakaka- experience ng grief na talagang nagluluksa ka for doon sa nawala. What
were the strategies, hindi naman strategies, pero parang ano yung ginawa ninyo para magcope
yung family ninyo with the loss nung tito mo? So you personally and yung mga na- observe mo
sa family mo.
P: Although sinabi ko na after nun, nag- separate- separate kami, nung sa time na yun talaga na
yung parang andun pa lang sa nagmo- mourn kami. Parang andun lang kami sa isang place tapos
parang like kumukuha kami ng strength from each other tapos parang hindi namin iniiwan yung
mga relatives namin, especially yung family niya. Tapos parang ano lang kami, sobrang nag- try
kaming mag- bond together para hindi namin maexperience masyado yung grief or yung sakit
nung pagkawala niya. Tapos parang ni- remind na lang namin yung self namin na yung happy
memories niya para hindi kami ma- focus dun sa idea na kinuha niya yung buhay niya or nag-
suicide siya. So yun, parang sinelebreyt namin yung fact na at least nakapagbigay siya ng saya
noong buhay pa siya imbis na mag- focus kami doon sa wala na siya, kinuha na niya yung buhay
niya.
R: So naging effective naman?
P: Effective.
R: Eh yung after noon, after noong burial na, supposedly parang babalik na kayo sa kanya-
kanyang buhay niyo ganun. Ikaw, personally, meron ka bang complications na parang nahirapan
kang mag- mourn o kaya ano yung mga naexperience mo after nun?
P: Actually noong pagkatapos na nga nung nalibing na and everything, parang weeks after
parang doon pa lang siyang nagsi- sink in sa akin. So medyo minsan pag gabi parang napapaisip
ako na hala, wala nap ala talaga yung tito ko. Parang yung moment pa lang na yun yung parang
umiiyak ako tapos nakikita ko yung dad ko na umiiyak din siya or something na ganun. Pero
through time naman parang ano, naaccept namin yung fact na wala na siya. Parang tinry na
lang namin na mag- ano ulit dun sa normal ways of living namin noon nung parang hindi pa
nangyayari yun. Hindi naman sa sinsasabing kinakalimutan na namin siya, pero sinusubukan na
lang namin mag- live nang normal. Kasi wala naman na kaming magagawa kasi wala na siya.
R: Eh kunwari yung sa mga ano, parang family gatherings, kung paano kayo before nung
nangyari sa tito mo yun and afterwards, may napansin ka bang changes na naeexperience niyo
as a family?
P: Actually kapag family gatherings ano, minsan ever since namatay yung tito ko, before yun
kasi may namatay pang isang sibling ng dad ko pero due to heart attack naman. Parang after nun
parang madalang na lang kaming pumunta doon sa place namin doon sa baryo. Parang usually
yung gatherings namin doon na lang kami sa city tapos yung mga kasama namin yung mga
cousins ko na from father side din pero sila yung nakatira doon sa city. Hindi na kami
masyadong pumupunta sa baryo. Tapos yung sad thing na na- notice ko is that ano, sa sobrang
rare ng times na bumibisita kami sa baryo is that yung times na lang na nakakapag- gather kami
with our family sa baryo is kapag may namamatay ulit or pag merong nagkakasakit lang ganun.
So hindi talaga siya gathering, yung parang need lang na pumunta ka doon kasi may mawawala
na naming member ng family mo ganun.
R: Pero before yung nangyari sa tito mo, could you say na mas nagkikita talaga kayo?
P: Oo, very ano, siguro din kasi yung mom ko kasi hindi pa siya pumupunta sa ibang country
noon so parang ano, nasasamahan niya pa talaga kami with my dad na pumunta doon tapos doon
kami nagse- celebrate ng birthdays ganun. Parang minsan Christmas and New Year kaya. Pero
after talaga nung namatay yung tito ko, yung mom ko kasi pumunta na rin ng ibang country
tapos ano, rare na nga kaming pumunta doon.
R: Curious lang ako, hindi ba hindi na kayo doon sa baryo niyo nagga- gather. Sa tingin mo, di
ba nga doon nangyari yung death. Sa tingin niyo ba iniiwasan ninyo yun unconsciously o ano?
P: Siguro din ganun. Kasi sobrang parang dalang na lang na pumupunta kami doon. Kasi siguro
din sa thought na may nangyari na nga doon na meron na siyang bad memories na associated
doon. Tapos ako rin sa sarili ko naa- associate ko na yung place ko na yun pag sa baryo, parang
ano nakakapunta nga lang ako dun kapag may namamatay o kaya kapag may mawawalang loved
one ko. Although nae- enjoy ko pa rin pumunta doon, parang hindi na siya the same memories
nung childhood ko s after nung namatay yung tito ko.
R: Eh ano naman sa tingin mo yung mga factors na nakatulong sa iyo in moving on doon sa
experience mo?
P: Siguro sa acads ko tapos yung ano kasi, sinabi ko nga, poumunta yung mom ko sa ibang
country, yung fact na panganay ako na ako yung magsyo- shoulder nung role niya as mom ng
house, parang nakatulong din sa akin yung kasi parang ako na yung tumayong mother nung
siblings kong dalawa kasi sobrang bata pa lang nila nun, around seven. Tapos 5 years old pa lang
yung isa. So yun, ako yung gumagawa ng household chores tapos lahat- lahat kasi yung dad ko
rin nagwowork din siya kung may time. Tapos yun, after school, wala na akong time mag-
think kasi gagawa ako ng homework tapos aalagaan ko yung mga kapatid ko. So parang yun na
nga, parang doon na rin ako nag- cling na yun na nga, di na ako nagkakaroon ng other thoughts
except yung ano, ginagawa ko sa bahay tapos yung mga work ko sa school.
R: So parang keeping yourself busy na lang. Besides sa acads, ano pa sa tingin mo?
P: Siguro yung mga friends ko din. Kasi parang after din noon, parang mas naging ano na ako sa
mga friends ko, mas parang naging close na ako sa mga friends ko tapos parang madalas ko na
silang, siiyempre going to teenage years na rin yun so madalas na kaming lumalabas. Hindi ko na
talaga nabibigyan ng thought yung mga nangyari na yon. Parang nag- serve na distraction yung
mga labas naming ng mga kaibigan ko. Tapos, aside from acads, yun nga.
R: Sa tingin mo as a Filipino, ano yung mga unique traits na meron yung mga Filipinos na
nakatulong lalo na sa’yo personally dun sa experience mo?
P: Siguro yung unique trait ng Filipinos is that they always find the good things in the bad. Kasi
di ba parang sinasabi nga nila na it’s a cultural thing sa mga Filipino na kahit sobrang tragic na
ng mga nangyayari parang they always find a reason to smile or to be happy. So parang yun
yung pinaka- trait ng Filipinos na nag- help sa’king magcope up, kasi yung mga tao sa paligid
ko masaya sila ganun. So parang nahahawa ako sa saya na yun. Imbis na mag- wonder ako sa
mga bagay na very sad, very angsty, nafo- focus ako doon sa good things. Tapos nale- learn ko
na ring i- appreciate yun.
R: Balik tayo doon sa effect, nakalimutan kong maitanong kanina. Di ba doon sa friends mo
naging close ka, may nagiba bas a relationship mo with your family? Kagaya ng tatay mo,
siblings mo, or yung nanay mo?
P: Siguro ano rin, uhm, ano kasi yung time na yun magti- teenager na ako and everything.
Parang ano ako noon, medyo very moody ako. So ano din ako sa dad ko noon, siyempre siya
yung naiwang parent figure ko. Medyo away- bati kami ng dad ko. So parang mahirap din akong
mag- reconcialiate sa kanya ng mga difference namin with opinion. Lalo na nung di ba, after
nung nangyari sa tito ko, hindi ko siya bineblame for that kasi siya yung nakausap or something
na ganun. Hindi. Pero parang there are times na naiisip ko n asana hindi niya na lang, sana arang
mas nakinig pa siya or something. Tapos minsan din nalulungkot ako kasi sinisis niya rin yung
sarili niya for that. Parang kasi minsan napapagalitan niya yung tito ko. Kahit siya yung
pinakabata, mas mature siya ganun. Tapos napapagalitan niya yung tito ko ganun. Tapos parang,
hindi ko alam yung mafi- feel ko noon sa dad ko. Pero over time parang natuto akong i- accept
yung mga nangyari nga so yun parang naging close na rin ako sa dad ko after that. Tapos sa
family nga, yun din mas naging mas focused ako sa kanila. May takot na rin kasi nab aka bigla
silang mawala ganun. So very ano ako, kung kaya ko, magte- take time talaga ako para
makasama sila ganun.
R: Seven years ago na yun ‘no?
P: Oo, magse-seven.
R: Mga gaano katagal ang grief process mo?
P: Siguro sa akin kasi nga, 11 years old pa lang ako nun. Parang hindi siya kasinghaba ng
process if adult ka na. Kasi nakasama ko siya childhood days, parang wala ka pang talagang
complete ano for memories. Parang yung grieving process ko, hind makukumpara sa grieving
process ng parents ko, ng grandparents ko na nakasama siya for half of their lives.
R: As a child, what were you thinking? What was going around your head nung nasa grieving
process ka?
P: Ano lang, yung question lang na bakit niya ginawa ito. Even though alam ko na yung reason
noon. Parang naku- question ko pa rin siya. Parang nagwo- wonder pa rin ako na hindi ba niya
inisip yung mga tao sa paligid niya or parang naku- question ko na ganun ba kabigat yung mga
dinadala niya noon for him to do that?
R: So more on questioning sa situation ng tito mo?
P: Yes.
R: Ang bata mo pa nung na- witness mo yung nangyari.. Pero buti naging positive yung outlook
mo. Ano ‘yun, characteristic na ng family mo, talagang positive?
P: Oo, or hindi ko alam, sa akin lang. Medyo sa akin lang din kasi sinasabi madalas ng mga tao
na nasa paligid, na mga nakaka- interact ko noon, na medyo mas mature ako, Mature yung
thinking ko kumpara doon sa dapat thinking ng isang person na nasa ganitong age. So parang
ina- assess, parang gusto ko kasing ino- observe yung mga bagay or yung tinatantya yung
emotions ng mga tao. Parang feeling ko, if magiging negative ako about something, mas
makaka- burden ako sa isang tao. So instead na maging pessimistic ako, magiging optimistic na
lang ako.
R: So sa tingin mo yun talaga yung nakatulong sa iyo. Yung family mo ba naging open doon sa
pagkukwento about doon sa phenomenon? Kasi yung iba di ba tinatago sa family nila yung
ganun.
P: Actually hindi open yung family ko about that. Parang anon a siya, forgotten na siya. Parang
hindi, as much as possible, kung kayang hindi pag- usapan, hindi kailangang pag- usapan. Tapos
siyempre, yung grandparents ko na nakakita noon, patay na din sila like a few years after nung
event na iyon. Tapos yung nakakaalam na lang yung mga tao sa baryo, eh hindi ko naman sila
nakaka- interact. So, kahit parang nga nakaka- interact ko sila, or parang pumupunta sila sa
house namin sa city, parang hindi siya topic na pleasant para sa family namin.
R: Naging open ba kayo about the cause of death nung tito mo noong time na iyon or
medyo hindi niya sinasabi yung reasons kasi nagsuicide siya? Or was your family open na
sabihin sa ibang tao?
P: Open naman sila kasi parang ano naman, yung act is parang kahit masakit siya, parang it’s a
part of acceptance na din na tinatanggap nila na ano, nagsuicide nga. Parang yung mga tao kasi,
hindi ko alam kung it’s something doon sa place namin, pero as much as possible hindi namin
kino- complicate yung mga bagay. Kung ano yung nangyari, yun yung nangyari.
R: Pero after nung death niya, open kayo? I mean to each other, sa family?
P: Oo din naman, pero yun nga, hindi siya nata- touch masyado.
R: Kahit yung immediately after [ng suicide]?
P: Hindi din.
R: So parang yun din yung naging coping ng family niyo na huwag na lang pag- usapan.
P: Oo.
R: Pero accepted naman?
P: Kung sa amin mostly, oo. Pero feeling ko sa dad ko talaga, meron yung times talaga na dine-
deny niya pa rin na nangyari yun. Even though na parang alam niya, parang kapagkunwari name-
mention yung pangalan ng tito ko, merong times na parang nagagalit siya or parang “’huwag
mong i- mention.” Parang patahimikin mo na yung patay ang sinasabi niya. Kaya as much as
possible, hindi na namin mine- mention yung tito ko.
R: Pero buti naintindihan mo noong mga times na yun. Kasi kung ibang child siguro, mato-
trauma.
P: Feeling ko siguro, hindi ko alam. Yung mom ko kasi very open na tao. So parang yung fact na
nasasabi ko yung mga thoughts ko sa kanya, parang nakatulong siguro yun to understand kung
ano yung nangyari noong time na yun. Tapos yung ine- explain niya kasi sa amin, hindi niya
sinu- sugarcoat. Hindi niya tina- try na i- deny na, “uy, ito nangyari ito.” Or parang something.
Tapos ine- explain niya as much as possible in a away na maiintindihan namin. So para hindi
kami nahihirapan na i- understand na nangyari nga ito, na hindi siya mababago.
R: So crucial yung parents’ explanation?
P: Oo.
R: Na- curious ako, in a sense na kapag namimiss mo yung tito mo or kapag naiisip mo yung
tito mo, ikaw paano mo nao- overcome yung feeling of missing your tito?
P: Ano, nagfo- focus ako doon sa good thoughts nga. Actually nga kapag naiisip ko siya, may
certain image na naaalala ko talaga lagi. It’s like I think yung few days nga before nangyari yun,
is nandun siya sa couch namin, usually naka- white kasi siya. Tapos galing yata siya sa church
niya noon. Tapos yun parang gini- greet ko siya kadadating ko palang yata ng school noon.
Tapos yung parang image na yun yung nag- sit sa isip ko kasi nakangiti siya noong time na yun
so parang every time na naaalala ko yun, parang nai- imagine ko yung time na nagsuicide siya,
sinusubukan kong i- move yung image na yun with the image na nakangiti siya. Parang good
feeling instead na ma- sad ako or mag- grieve ako doon sa fact na wala na siya.
R: So parang a good kind of missing siya?
P: Oo.
R: Ang laki rin talaga nang naitutulong kapag positive young outlook mo. Kasi kung ikaw
mismo pessimistic ka na tao, make- carry mo all throughout.
R: What other lessons sa tingin mo yung naibigay sa iyo ng suicide [ng tito mo]?
P: Para sa akin, yung sigurong lesson na naibigay niya sa akin is that siguro we need to be more
in touch with people. Kung ano yung nararamdaman nila. Hindi yung parang inaano mo na lang
sila, parang dini- discard mo na yung emotions nila. Hindi porke’t hindi sila showy or hindi sila
very open book, hindi mo na ita- try na i- reach out kung ano yung mga thoughts nila. Kasi
minsan yung mga taong ganun, sila talaga yung may kailangan ng kausap, kailangan ng
makikinig sila. So ano yun, parang naging attitude ko na rin sa mga friends ko na as much as
possible, kinukumusta ko sila or parang nakikinig ako sa kanila kapag may problems sila.
R: Yung tito mo ba, based on your observations, nagsye- share ba siya ng problems sa dad
mo?
P: Hindi ako sure kasi hindi ako nakikinig sa usapan nila. Pero ang alam ko, may mga bagay
silang napaguusapan especially if may problem yung tito ko, nasasabi niya sa dad ko. Pero
hindi yung in a way na parang usapang deep o something, parang name- mention niya. Parang
name- mention niya lang. Ang alam kong reason noon na nagsuicide yung tito ko is because of
financial problems. Parang may mga hindi na siya mabayaran. So parang, sobrang normal kasi
nung idea ng utang ganun sa culture natin. So parang feeling ko nung sinabi niya sa dad ko,
parang hindi din big deal sa dad ko kasi ano naman, parang lahat naman nagkakautang. So nung
nasabi siguro, parang hindi siya naka- stride ng deep thought or parang humingi ng tulong yung
tito ko or something.
R: What do you think yung mga pwede mong ma- advise sa mga taong nakaka- experience nung
same experience na napagdaanan mo and ng family mo as suicide survivors?
P: If may advice ako, I think it’s that be open with your family as much as possible. And try to
gauge yung emotions na nagra- run sa family mo, kahit parang hindi ka close sa certain relative,
parang take time out of your day siguro or parang kapag magkikita kayo na kumustahin mo man
lang ganun even though malayo yung distance niyo or parang minsan lang kayo magkita. Parang
try to talk to that person. Tapos yung process kasi ng pag- experience nun is not easy. So, parang
think of good things during that time instead of parang staying on that thought na nangyari nga
ito. Instead of beating yourself for it, for something na hindi mo naman kayang baguhin, na hindi
mo naman kasalanan, you need to move on sa life kasi mas marami pang mao- offer yung life.
R: Was there a time doon sa gieving process mo na nafeel mo na down na down ka dahil doon
sa nangyari?
P: Oo. Yung after siguro nung libing niya. Parang nag- dinner kami nun after ng family ko.
Parang nonng paguwi, parang yun na yung slow realization na hindi ko na ulit makikita yung
tito ko. So parang, yung night na yun parang, yung time na yun kasi medyo hindi ako showy,
hindi ako umiiyak kapag may namamatay ganun. So parang nung nag- sleep ako that night, yun
lang yung time na umiyak talaga ako kasi parang naramdaman ko na ito na pala yung feeling na
loss talaga, wala na yung someone na dating permanent fixture sa buhay mo.
R: Paano yun na- alleviate?

P: Na-alleviate siya parang day by day, iniisip ko na lang na nasa good place siya. Taposyun
nga, with the help din ng people na nasa tabi ko, parang ano siya, hindi na ako nag- focus
masyado na nawala ako ng isang tao kasi meron pa naming mga tao diyan na nandyan para sa
akin. So parang ano na lang, nire- remember ko na lang siya as a happy memory instead of
focusing sa sadness nung nangyari.
R: Malaki ba para sa’yo yung naging effect nung community mo sa pagaccept mo ng nangyari?
Especially sa pagaccept ng fact na suicide yung cause of death.
P: Siguro in terms of family or yung mga personal interactions ko, hindi siya masyadong mas
malaki yung effect. Kasi yun nga hindi naman namin napaguusapan yung nagsuicide siya or
something. Parang naging ano na siya, closed topic na ano na, hindi na pwedeng pag- usapan.
Hobby ko rin sigurong magbasa, so yung fact na nakakabasa ako ng mga ganung bagay and
parang yung mga tao parang sa mga stories or something na ganun, yung parang dealing with
that thing, yun siguro yung pinaka isang big na factor na ano din, tumulong sa akin para mag-
cope up rather than yung community talaga and yung family ko.
R: Are you personally open sa mga kaibigan mo about sa experience mo?
P: Oo. Actually parang nakukwento ko na sa kanila ganun. Especially noong time na nung high
school, fourth year. Tapos yung best friend ko naman yung nakaexperience ng same loss as I
did. Pero sa kanya kasi, cousin niya naman, so ka- age, younger than her. Tapos ano, parang
since naexperience ko na yun, feeling ko noon parang pwede siyang mag- lean on sa akin kasi
[I have experienced it]. Bukod doon parang, hindi ko naman sinasabi na same emotions yung
nagra- run through us, pero parang I can help her understand na it’s a loss you have to accept
rather than to focus on it so much ganun.
R: Before that phenomenon ba, may idea ka na about suicide?
P: Actually, wala.
R: So doon talaga namulat?
P: Oo, in my own little bunk.
R: So first experience mo talaga yun, parang doon ka talaga namulat sa suicide.
P: Oo. Parang naririnig ko noon or napapanood ko kasi parang horror stories ganun, horror
movies. Pero hindi ako talaga ano dun sa suicide pala yung tawag dun. Parang ano pala siya, it
happens pala talaga sa life ganun.
R: Based bas a experience mo, ano ang na- observe mo na attitudes ng Filipinos in general sa
suicide? Ano yung na- observe mo not sa family mo per se na parang ano yung naging thoughts
nila or actions nila suicide in general?
P: Sa family ko, medyo accepting naman sila. Hindi sa thought ng suicide, pero yung fact na yun
nga, hindi na nila mababago yung nangyari. Pero siguro, in a wider perspective, yung sa mga
Filipinos din, parang nakakagalit lang minsan na sinisisi nila, natin, yung taong nagsuicide for
doing that thing na hindi naman nila nako- control. Parang medyo nalungkot ako noon kasi
sinasabi nila na sayang ito, sayang yung potential ng taong ito. Parang nasa isip ko, siguro kung
pinansin niyo sana siya, andito pa sana siya. So parang yung napansin ko kasing parang ugali ng
Filipinos is that they put the blame on that person even though hindi sila completely blameless
for the situation.
R: Tanong ko lang, ano yung religion niyo?
P: Yung dad ko kasi ano siya, siguro sort of an atheist kasi, hindi naman yung hindi siya
naniniwala kay God, pero parang come what may ganun. Pero yung mother ko is very, ine-
encourage niya kami mag- pray. So Catholic kami, ganun. Tapos minsan, nag- study kasi ako sa
Christian school so parang mixed na Christian and Catholic yung ways ko and religion ng family
namin.
R: Yung tito mo, same din?
P: Hindi siya. Mormon siya.
R: Sa tingin mo yung pina- practice mong religion, may effect ba yun doon sa grief process?
P: Kung sigurong noon, sasabihin ko wala talaga siya. Kasi nagsisimba ako, pero hindi ako
masyadong inclined sa idea ni God, sa idea na miracle worker Siya. Parang lately, mga thirdyear
o fourth year lang talaga akong completely na- encourage mag- church and everything. Pero
noon sumasama lang ako sa mom ko tapos nagpepray ako, pero hindi siya very from the heart
or ganun so feeling ko walang masyadong nagawa yung religion for coping up.
R: So it’s mainly acads and friends?
P: Oo, acads and friends.
R: Yung grandparents mo, sila Catholic or same with your tito?
P: Adventist?
R: Iba- iba kayo ng religion ng family niyo.
P: Oo, very diverse.
R: May na- observe ka ba na differences ng family niyo, siguro sap ag- cope ninyo?
P: Wala naman masyado kasi parang even though different religions yung nasa family namin,
we believe na it’s usually the same god din naman yung wine- worship namin. Pero yung
grandma ko noon, madalas siyang nagsisimba during the time. Noong time na yun, very into
going to church siya tapos nagpapanobena talaga siya doon. Yun yung napansin kong naging
coping mechanism niya. Tapos yung lolo ko naman, alcoholic kasi siya, so ano siya, nag- alcohol
siya noon tapos cigarette. Tobacco? Yun yung parang ginamit niyang coping mechanism.
R: Interesting. Iba- iba yung pagko- cope ng iba’t ibang tao.
R: Pero ang bata mo nga noong naexperience mo yung suicide [ng tito mo].
P: Siguro yung fact na bata ako, nakatulong din siya for me. Parang as process nung growing up,
nakatulong siya for me to have a wider perspective on things na hindi ako closed off sa mga
bagay na hindi normal sa ibang tao. Parang hindi ako nangdya- judge muna, inaaral ko kung
bakit ganito, bakit nangyayari iyan. Hindi ko siya inaano for simply physical aspect nung
nangyari. Tinitignan ko yung deeper ideas na intertwined dun.
R: So would you say up to now, ganun pa rin kalaki yung impact nung nangyari? In terms of
your perspective sa buhay, perspective sa suicide itself?
P: Oo. Although hindi siya yung super- super laki, pero I think yung fact na naging Malaki yung
impact niya before will stay with me forever. Kasi nga may mga lessons akong na- learn na yung
experience lang na iyon yung nakapagbigay sa akin. Parang it’s something na nakaka- add up sa
not only sa knowledge ko, pero yung wisdom ko siguro on things that really matter. I don’t
really, hindi na ako nagfo- focus sa mga bagay na maliliit lang or something na ganun. Parang
mas iniintindi ko kung bakit ganito, ganiyan.
R: So ngayon, with your perception with suicide. Parang positive. Ano yun, through the years,
noong buong 7 years after the suicide, unti- unting nagfo- form yung perception mo about
suicide or immediately after the death happened?
P: Siguro unti- unti. Pero nung habang nagfo- form siya, hindi naman ibig sabihin nun na
negative na yung opinion ko sa suicide. Parang naaccept ko yung fact na ano, suicide is not just
an escape pero choice talaga siya na minsan pinipili ng tao kasi hindi na nila kaya yung mga
bagay na nasa paligid nila or yung problems nila. Tapos through the years, unti- unting nag-
grow na suicide isn’t something really negative, pero it could be a form of, it’s something na
could be positive na pwede siyang choice sa ibang tao.
R: Nakakamangha kasi iba- iba yung pagtingin ng mga tao, depende na kung ano yung
papaniwalaan. People handie in different ways.
R: Sa tingin mob a aware yung karamihan sa suicide phenomenon na ganyan yung nafi- feel?
P: Siguro hindi. Sa tingin ko there is a need na talagang to educate people on what suicide really
is. Hindi lang siya parang isang day maiisip mong mag- suicide, hindi lang siya ganun. Minsan
kasi suicide kasi is something na, parang sa tito ko, pinlano niya nga yun. Parang it’s an ask for
help din. Parang minsan, pinaplano yung suicide kasi umaasa pa yung tao na magsusuicide nab
aka meron pang taong hihila sa kanya pabalik or parang, meron parang chance to live again. Pero
yun nga, kaya nga nangyayari yun kasi minsan nga sobrang helpless na nila, sobrang walang
choice na sila. So yun, nagagawa nila yun.
R: Are you part of organizations like Buhay Movement? Or is your family an advocate of
suicide awareness?
P: Wala naman. Pero kasi nagsusulat ako online. Parang may blog ako tapos part ako ng isang
writing community na gumagawa ng fiction stories. So, if possible, gumagawa ako ng stories na
minsan, nagiging outlet ko to express to people how important these topics are. If possible, gusto
kong i- shed properly yung light dun, yung parang hindi siya naro- romanticize or something na
ganun. As much as possible, factual na nangyayari nga ito, nan ae- explain ko siya in a good way
imbis na parang name- misunderstood siya ng tao.
R: Parang naging outlet mo rin yung writing?
P: Oo.
R: Okay. Ang positive mong tao, i- keep mo lang iyan. Thank you!
Transcript of interview with Peter
R- Researchers
P- Peter
Ring… Ring… Ring…
P:Yes hello?
R: Good morning po Sir ***?
P:Yes, good morning.
R: This is *** po yung sa interview po.
P:Uhm mmm (in confirmation). Sige.
R: Start na po tayo sir ‘no? Ahmmm. Sir first of all, ahhhh pwede ko po bang malaman name
niyo and yung work niyo po? Ahhh… For demographics lang po.
P:*** ***
R: Opo.
P:Ahhh. Marketing supervisor.
R: Opo sige po. Ahhhh.. What’s your age po sir?
P:41
R: Sir let’s start na po with the interview. We’ll make it fast nalang po. Sir can you narrate the
story of how the suicide happened and what was your relationship to the one who committed
suicide?
P:Actually my youngest sister.
R: Opo.
P:Ahh. Actually sa bahay kasi siya nangyari. Tapos
R: Ahh… (in confirmation).
P:Yung wife ko nasa abroad. So siya from Palawan.
R: Ahmmm.(in confirmation)
P:So kinuha ko siya doon para pagaralin dito sana sa maynila. I mean, oo nagaaral naman siya.
Actually graduating dapat siya e.
R: Opo.
P:And then ayun, pagdating sa bahay.
R: Mmmm. (in affirmation)
P:Mga 4 o’clock in the afternoon. Nakatali pa e. Nakita ko nalang sa kwarto ko. Nakabitin na
siya. Actually di naman mataas. Kasi yung ano ng kwarto ko mababa lang.
R: Opo.
P:Ang sitwasyon parang tumayo siya di buo. Kaya nung nakita ko siya nakabend din matigas na
kasi according sa SOCO nangyari yon between 8am-9 in the morning. Probably kaalis ko lang.
So pagdating ko ng 4 o’clock, nakita ko tapos walang nagbubukas ng gate. Usually kapag
ganoon kasi, pag nagbubusina ako kahit anong ginagawa nun nagbubukas siya ng gate either
kumakain siya, natutulog, naliligo basta nagbusina ako, nagbubukas siya ng gate. Eh that time di
siya, di nagbukas. So sabi ko, bukas yung pad lock ng gate so may tao sa loob. So sabi ko, baka
hindi may binili. So binuksan ko yung gate. Pagpasok ko. So paglapag ko sa bag ko wala naman
naliligo, wala namang nagsasplash sa shower. Wala man. Baka may binili, pagbukas ko ng door
ng kwarto ayun na. So the first time, nashock ako. Pagpasok ko pala, tinanggal ko siya. Nakatali
pa e. Syempre ang first reaction ko tanggalin siya kasi nakita ko. Tinangggal ko siya, nilagay ko
sa bed ko, sa kwarto tapos in denial ako. ‘Kapatid ko ba yon?’ Binuklat ko pa yung kurtina. E
mayroon akong heart condition so. Hindi pwedeng atakihin. Papaano ko dadalhin ito. May
sasakyan sa tapat ng bahay namin. So tinatawag ko, di sumasagot. E nung tinatawag ko pala siya,
wala na akong boses. Bali nakita niya kumakaway ako. Dalawa lang kami dito sa Maynila. Nako
sinong tatawagan ko? Sabi niya ipaalam mo sa parents mo.
R: Opo.
P:Sabi ko, pag pinaalam mo sa parents namin galing palawan pa.
R: Opo.
P:So ayun, tinawagan ko na papa ko. That time, during that time may program yung father ko
kasi magreretire na sya sa government niya.
Rr: Opo.
P:So sabi ko,sinabi ko nalang sa mama ko. Na nagbigti si ***. So ayun. After non, naisip kong
yung boss ko at kaibigan ko. Para may pumunta sa akin sa bahay. Sa mga kabaranggay.
Pinapanood lang nila ako.
Rr: Saan po?
P:Actually yung nagrefer sa inyo, cliente ko si doc ***.
R: Ah okay po.
P:So kwinento ko para marelease yung.
R: Ah okay po. Sir?
P:Yes.
R: Sir wait lang po may nagsasalita po yata sa likod, diko po marinig yung ibang sinasabi niyo.
Sinasapawan po yung boses niyo sir.
P:Ahhh sinasapawan. Ahh lilipat na ako. Kasi maraming tao sa office ngayon e.
P:Sorry po sir.
P:Ayan, okay na?
R: Okay na po. Sige po. Tuloy na po natin.
P:Ayun pagkatapos nun, saan na ba ako banda?
R: Yun po sa, nirefer po sa inyo. Yung may nagrefer po sa amin. Opo/
P:Nakwento ko kasi kay doc *** dati, way ko yun para marelease ko yung nararamdaman ko
kasi nga ako lang magisa. So gabi na, 4 o’clock ako dumating. Actually pagtawag ko sa boss ko,
tinawagan na nila agad is... Kasi wala na e. Pagkakita ko kasi sa body nya as in matigas na.
R: Opo. So matagal na po no?
P:Oo.
R: Ohhh. (in affirmation)
P:Nung tanggalin ko siya, I just thought na bago lang. Nung hawakan ko siya matigas na talaga.
So wala akong nagawa. Tapos nung dumating yung boss ko, pagdating nya tapos hinawakan niya
ako sa likod ko. Dun na ako umiyak. Dun ko lang naramdaman na, “Oo nga kapatid ko nga
‘yon.” So dumating na yung SOCO, yung pulis, yung barangay. May media pa na dumating kaya
lang di ko inentertain kasi nga ayoko, ayokong malaman. Masakit. Masakit yung ano. Actually
nung gabing yon, pagalis ko sa bahay, kung ano yung suot ko, yung bag ko na dala-dala, yung
damit ko, lahat lahat from then on hanggang ngayon, di pa nakakabalik sa bahay na ‘yon. So
lumipat na ako. Lumipat na ako.
R: Ah opo.
P:So yung bahay ko na ‘yon, pinagiba ko na yon. Ngayon wala na siya. Lupa nalang siya.
Binalik ko na sa dating.
R: Ah okay.
P:Lumipat na ako ngayon. So yun. Parang ganon.
R: Mmm. Matanong ko lang po ulit, kailan po nangyari yung incident?
P:January 22, 2015.
R: Ahh. 2015.
P:Oo. So ano palang siya, 2 years palang ngayon. Two years sya pero everyday naalala ko pa
rin. Ang hirap. Ang hirap. Kasi for three consecutive years kaming magkasama sa bahay. Kasi
yung wife ko nga nasa abroad. Tapos actually wala naman akong nakitang, wala naman akong
nakitang reason kumbakit niya ginawa ‘yon. Wala akong idea. I was shocked kasi nga tahimik
sna babae.
R: Wala po siyang naiwang suicide note o ano?
P:Meron, meron.
P:Sa huli ko nalang. Huli na. Kasi noong time na naghalughog ang SOCO wala silang nakita e.
Nung time na ‘yon, nasa St. Peters Chapel na kami. Nakaburol na siya. Siguro mga 4 days after.
Pumunta yung pamangkin nung wife ko sa bahay kasama yung tito ko. Sila yung naghalughog
nakita nila sa mga gamit ng kapatid ko may suicide note.
R: Ahhh okay po.
P:Sorry ng sorry ganun, ganun. Di na daw niya kaya. Actually ang basis nun, heartbroken kasi.
R: Ah okay po. Before po ba noon, may pinakita siyang parang, may napansin po ba kayong
signs na?
P:Wala.
R: Wala po. (in affirmation)
P:Wala. Wala akong nakitang signs. Actually diba, January 22 nangyari ‘yon supposed to be.
January 25 uuwi kami ng Palawan kasi nga retirement ng father namin. Lahat ano, lahat okay na.
tapos nagusap pa kami noong gabing yon. Sabi ko, kasi lahat kaming magkakapatid uuwi kami
ng Palawan. Kasi yung nasa Palawan na kapatid namin, dalawa lang. So kaming tatlo uuwi
dapat. Yung isa nasa negros. So sabi ko sakanya nung gabing yon, right before na mangyari yon
sabi ko, ‘Sabihan mo si ate mo sa airport na tayo magkita-kita. Kasi yung isang kapatid namin sa
Caloocan manggagaling. Sabihin mo sa airport nalang tayo maghintayan.’ Tapos natulog na ako,
natulog na sya. Pinagluto ko pa nga siya nung gabing yon. Sabi ko, *** bili ka nga ng talong kasi
mayroon akong. Yung lulutuin natin. Bumili naman. Tapos yung time na nagluluto siya,
nagpiprito sya ng tokwa, alam mo yung kumakanta ng walang boses. Naghahum lang sya. So
anong isipin ko diba? Kaya nung shock ko nun, ano late na dumating. That time kasi in denial
ako. ‘Baka hindi siya ito. Baka iba.’ Alam mo ‘yun. Pero nung time na nakaburol siya, doon ko
na narealize na siya nga yung kapatid ko. Nanghihinayang ako. Actually candidate siya for cum
laude sa school sa accounting so nanghihinayang ako kasi pinapaaral ko sya. Pinagkagastusan ko
siya tapos ganoon lang tapos dahil lang doon. Parang ang hirap tanggapin that time. Sarado pa
isip ko during that time.
R: So yung first reaction niyo po talaga ay in denial kayo sa nangyari?
P:Oo in denial ako noon. Sabi ko, ‘kapatid ko ba yon?’ Oo as in ganon talaga reaksyon ko.
Pagdating ko sa kwarto sinilip ko. Inangat ko yung kurtina, tinitigan ko. ‘Oo kapatid ko nga iyon.
Si *** ‘yon.’ Eh sabi ko, bakit. Karaming bakit. Tinanong ko kung may kasalanan ba ako,
pinagalitan ko ba? Actually ang lumabas na reason, sa lugar na yon. Baka daw pinagalitan ko.
Sabi ko sa kanila, kahit kailan diko pinagalitan yan. Ang ikinakagalit ko lang diyan sobrang
tahimik niya pag may nararamdaman siya.
R: Opo.
P:Di siya yung ‘Kuya masakit ganito ko ganon.’ Siya hindi. Malalaman ko nalang makikita mo
reaksyon matamlay. ‘O bakit ano masakit sayo?’ Sabi niya masakit ulo nya. Dinidismenorrhea.
Dinidismenorrhea kasi yun e. Pag may hinihingi, ang galit ko sa kanya ‘Pag may nararamdaman
ka, sabihin mo. Di ako manghuhula para hulaan dalawa lang tayo dito.’ Kasi actually di kami
magkasamang lumaki kasi bunso namin ‘yon e. That time, sa Palawan siya lumaki. Kinuha ko
sya para pagaralin. So parang pag may kailangan siya, tinetext niya yung mama ko kesyo wala
mama ko sa Palawan tapos yung mama ko siya na nagsasabi sa akin. Sabi ko sa kanya, ‘pag may
kailangan ka sa akin. Sabihin mo sa akin. Wag kay mama kasi wala rin maibibigay yon. Nasa
Palawan yon. Pag may kailangan ka, magsabi ka.’ Yun lang ang galit sakanya. Bakit? Nagkulang
ba ako? May problema dapat sinabi niya sa akin kaso hindi nga siya ganon.
R: Opo. So puro tanong po. Meron pong pagtatanong bakit ganyan.
P:Oo, maraming tanong. Marami akong hanging question sa sarili ko. Pero later on nasagot ko
naman.
R: E’di after yung nagsink in palang po nung nakita niyo na po siyang nasa burol?
P:Oo dun palang. Pero siguro 4 days or 5 days after. Tinititigan ko siya. Kung totoo bang kapatid
ko.
R: Mmm okay po. Ano po yung mga challenges na hinarap niyo nung after siyang nawala?
P:Challenges? Ayun siguro. Frustration. Frustration ko. Tapos yung pagiging malulungkutin ko
na siguro. Kasi hindi ako sanay na… Biruin mo yun? For three consecutive years na kayo lang
magksama sa bahay. Diba?
R: Opo. Opo.
P:So yung routine ko, alam na nya. Yung ganon, alam mo yun. Tapos yung wife ko, mas
matagal ko pa siyang kasama kaysa sa wife ko. Kasi yung wife ko bakasyon lang tapos aalis na.
Yung kalungkutan. Tapos namimiss ko yung tinatawag ko siya, kasi mahilig akong magtawag sa
kanya. *** ganon. Tapos yung paghihingi niya ng pera. Tapos yung alam mo yun yung,
natrauma ako. Ayoko nang magisa matulog. Although sanay na ako matulog magisa. Pero afer
nun, ayoko matulog magisa. Natatakot ako, meron pa nga ako, tuwing 2 o’clock in the morning
nagigising ako di ko alam kung bakit. Pag nagigising ako ng madaling araw ibig saihin 2 o’clock
yan. Pag titingnan ko yung relo, 2 o’clock ‘yan. Tapos yung takot akong, nanginginig ako kapag
dating na ng gabi. Pagdating ng 4 o’clock, nawawala lang nginig ako around 10 o’clock na.
Yung as in nagchichill ako, nanghihina ako.
R: Hanggang ngayon po ba nangyayari pa po ba ‘yan?
P:Ngayon hindi na, pero pag iniisip ko sya…
R: Mga recent?
P:All through out ‘yon. Magmula noon, hanggang ngayon. Di ko alam kung bakit. Actually dpat
sa PDEA ischedule ako for stress debriefing kaso di natuloy tuloy hanggang sa umalis na yung
contact ko sa PDEA nalipat na ng Dumaguete. Di ako naunder ng stess debriefing. So that time,
dinivert ko yung sarili ko sa Christian. Nagaattend ako. dinivert ko yung oras ko sa church.
Pagdating ng gabi yung time na nanginginig na ako, pupunta ako ng church. Nakikipagusap ako
sa mga kapatiran. So actually nun, dumating na naman yung parents ko. Kinuha ko na sila para
kasama ko. Actually nung una, nung unang dating nila ano pa ako traumatized pa talaga. Kaya
that time nung dumating sila, katabi nila ako matulog. Kasi hindi ako makatulog. Nagpepray ako,
konting prayer tapos alam mo yun. Syempre tao lang naman tayo, lahat naman may kahinaan.
Yung prayer is malaki ang naitulong sa akin. Ayun. Tapos after that, katabi ko sila matulog.
Dumating naman yung wife ko. Kaya medyo nakatulog na ako nung dumating yung wife ko.
Kasi masyado akong natrauma after namagpakamatay nung kapatid ko. Before sya mag-one
month yung kanyang pagkamatay, namatay rin yung kapatid kong isa naman, yung lalaki. Ano,
naaksidente naman sa motor.
R: So magkasunod po sila.
P:Wala man lang one month. Yung kapatid kong lalaki nun, di niya matanggap kasi sila ang
close. Aywan ko, diko alam. Kasi sa kapatid kong lalaki, medyo madali kong natanggap yun kasi
di naman kami magkasama.
R: Iba pa rin po talaga pag matagal mong kasama.

P:Iba talaga e. Mula first year college siya gang 4th year kami magkasama. Yun ang
pinakamahirap sa’kin.
R: Gaano po katagal natanggal? Yung okay na po kayo, yung di na po kayo nanginginig o

natatakot?
P:One year. I think one year.
R: Oh. One year. Matagal din po pala.
P:Oo matagal
R: So nagconsult..
P:Yung time na dumating na yung parents ko at asawa ko. Dun medyo bumabalik yung kaya ko
na magisa, yung kaya ko na matulog na walang katabi.
R: Okay po. So with the help of your parents po and wife po ‘no?
P: Oo.
R: So ano pa po ‘yung pagbabago sa buhay niyo, after kayong mawalan po ng kapatid?
P:Pagbabago?
R: Opo.
P:Ahh. Ako, ayoko na ng alam mo yun. Surprise. Ayoko na ng surprise event or anything that
surprises me, ayoko. ‘Yun na yung ayoko na. Ayoko nang magisa. Yun. Yun ang nagbago sa
akin. Ayoko nang magisa. Ayoko nang tahimik. Ayoko nang sinusurprise ako. Ayokong
sinusurprsie ako. Kaya yang surprise na ‘yan, will it be good or bad. Ayoko. Ayoko ng surprise.
Ayoko na ng surprise. At before, yung nagbago sa akin pati. Before, kung manonood ako ng
movie or any movie sa tv ‘mahilig ako sa horror eh. Now hindi na. Takot na ako sa horror. Ever
since favorite ko horror movies. Ngayon hindi na. Takot na ako. Nanginginig ako.
R: Parang may bumabalik po ano? ‘Yung feeling.
P:Oo parang may bumabalik. Yes. May bumabalik talaga. So yun.
R: Okay po.
P:Di na mawawala sa buhay ko siguro yung nangyari. kasi alam mo ‘yun, ako mismo nagbaba sa
kanya e. Nakita ko. Buti sana kung dumating ako naibaba na sya. Yung alam mo yun? Di ko
nakita kung anong itsura nya. Yung damit niya, yung shoes nya. Lahat yun alam ko. Paano
mawawala sa isip ko ‘yun?
R: Tumatak po sa isip niyo ‘no?
P:Talaga tumatak. Umukit siya. Kahit kailan di siya mawawala. Alam mo nga nung ano yon.
Nagtatampo pa ako sakanya. Kinausap ko, ‘Di mo ba naisip anong ginagawa ko para sayo.’
Sinumbatan ko pa sya that time sa casket siya. Kasi ang sakit sa akin ng ginawa niya. Ang daya
nya e. ‘Di mo sinabi na may problem ka.’ Iyong ganon. Naiintindihan ko naman e. Kasi kung
pagibig lang yan, ganun ganun lang maiintindihan ko ‘yan. Part of growing ‘yan. Part of being a
student, ‘yung crush crush na ganyan. Kasi ako mismo nagdaan doon eh. ‘Yan yung ayaw ko
sakanya.
R: Opo. Opo.
P:Yan yung ayaw ko sa kanya. Nilihim niya. Nilihim nya ng matagal. Sa kanya lang. Di nila
alam e, my parents, my siblings. Di nila alam.
R: Kinimkim niya ‘no.
P:Kinimkim niya, yes. Kinimkim niya. Napakaselfish naman nung ano nya rason. Actually
‘yung suicide note pala. Kasi before that mangyari, January 11-17 I think nasa Taiwan ako e.
Nagbakasyon ako. Pero yung suicide note nya, mula January 1. Eh nung Janaury 1 lumabas pa
kami. Nagbowling pa kami. Nanood kami ng sine kasi nga yung MMFF.
R: Opo.
J. After that 11 umalis ako papuntang Taiwan. Suicide note nya long history. Mayroon syang
headline day 1 parang ganon, day 2, day 3.
R: Plinano na po?
P:Oo naplano na niya. Magbabago pala ‘yun kung nagiba yung sitwasyon sa bandang huli. Kasi
kung nabago namin, kasi day 1 palang meron na pala. Papunta palang ako ng Taiwan. Mabuti
nalang di niya ginawa nung nasa Taiwan ako. Eh paano kung nasa Taiwan ako? Eh kung paguwi
ko dyan. E dalawa lang kami sa bahay. Di naman mangingialam yung kapit bahay. Kailan nalang
pag nangangamoy na siguro. Doon ako kinilabutan ng ganon e. Eh dumating ako 17. Nakailang
araw pa kami. 17 18 19 20 21 Naka-four days pa. Kasi 24 nga uuwi kami ng Palawan. So
nasayang lahat ng pinagipunan ko. Lahat ng pinundar ko. Lahat nawala ‘yon. Lahat ng gamit sa
bahay na connected sakanya iniwan ko. Ayokong maalala. Ayokong makita lahat ng ano niya.
Kung mababrowse niyo yung fb ko, may picture kaming dalawa ‘don sa profile picture ko. May
picture kaming dalawa don.
R: Aahh okay po.
P:May makikita ka doon sa loob ng sinehan siya ang kumuha. Yun siya yun.
R: Okay po. Pero ngayon po. Opo. Ano po. Ngayon po naaccept niyo naman na po?
P:Oo naaccept na. Kaya lang di ko alam paano yung meaning ng acceptance e. Kasi naaccept mo
na ba makakalimutan mo ba? Di ba hindi naman? Kasi araw-araw ko pa rin siyang naalala.
Araw-araw pa rin akong nanghihinayang. Pag may napapanood akong related case bumabalik
yung alaala. Buti nalang yung parents ko ay strong. Kasi sa kanila ako kumuha ng lakas. Kasi
kung ako lang, ewan ko.
R: Opo. Opo. So aside po sa parents niyo and wife nyo na tumulong sa inyo. Diba po pumupunta
kayo sa kapatiran sa Christian?
P:Oo sa church. Oo.
R: Ano pa po yung nakatulong sa pagaccept niyo po at sa pagiging okay niyo po?
P:Siguro environment din. Kasi umalis ako sa bahay na ‘yun e. Umalis ako sa lugar na ‘yon.
Iniwasan ko yung lugar na ‘yon for one year. As in wala. Pati yung mga aso ko. Pinaampon ko
‘don. Di ko sila dinala. Yung mga gamit niya. Wala akong tinira. Wala akong dinala. Lahat
ayokong makita.
R: Opo.
P:Nakatulong ‘yon. Yung lumipat ako ng lugar.
R: Para hindi niyo maalala every time ano po?
P:Oo kasi kung doon ako uuwi araw-araw. Lalo na diba, papasok ka ng Monday. So sabi ko, di
tama. So lumipat ako. nagapartment ako. binenta ko yung lupang yon.
R: Meron pa po bang nakatulong na iba?
P:Friends? Yung mga friend ko na born again din. So yun every time na ano. Yung pagkekwento
ko sa mga trusted friends., isa rin yun sa nakakahinga ako ng maluwag.
R: Opo. Nakakarelieve po ‘no?
P:Oo nakakarelieve. Oo. Tapos nanonood kami ng movies na nakakatawa, action ganon. So
dinadivert ko yung mga ano. Araw-araw talaga ‘yun ang kwento na kasama ko tska yung prayer
nila. Pinapagpray nila ako.
R: Opo opo. Okay po. Yung sinabi niyo po kanina yung nagrefer samin. Sino po yon?
P:Si doc ***?
R: Opo.
P:Oo. Doctoryun ng PDEA. ***

P:Lumapit po kayo sa kanya nung ano?
P:Kasi noong that time. Friend kami ni doctor sa fb. May nagcocondolence sa akin sa fb e so
nalaman nya. Sa time na pagpunta ko ng PDEA. Ayun nakwento ko sakanila nung sa isang
doctor din do’n. Tapos ‘yon. Ayun. Pag nakekwento ko kasi parang gumagaan pakiramdam ko e.
Alam mo yon, kaya niya nalaman. That’s why, ‘Kuya ***,’ sabi niya. ‘May friend ako na ganon
ganon.’ Okay lang, okay naman na ako ngayon. Wala naman problema. Nakatulong pa kasi, yun
nga. Pag may ano tayo kapatid tayo, may pamilya tayo. Alam natin na medyo malihim we try to
reach them kasi kumbaga baka nahihiya lang sila o naiintimidate sila. Dapat yung job na ‘yun is
within siblings. Although lagi mo silang kasama. Kumbaga may guilt feeling din ako. May
trabaho ako diba, alam mo yon? Uuwi ako pagod na, kakain nalang, matutulog, maliligo papasok
sa kwarto. So iiwan ko lang sa kanya pera. We don’t have time to talk about anything.
Magkasama lang kami pag manonood ng tv, tawanan yung ganon lang. Pag nagtanong ako sa
kanya isang tanong isang sagot. May tao pala talagang ganun. Isang tanong, isang sagot.
R: Di po masyadong nagkekwento ‘no?
P:Di, hindi siya makwento. Kahit sa mga friend niya. Kasi that time, pumunta yung friend niya
sa burol. Tinanong ko, ‘Nagkekwento ba sa inyo?’ ‘Di po makwento si *** e.’ So sabi ko,
sa’min din e. Kaya ang hirap.
R: Opo. So tanong ko lang po sir, before po nangyari nung suicide nung kapatid niyo ano po
yung tingin niyo sa suicide? Ano po yung idea niyo about suicide?
P:Alam mo yung idea ko sa suicide, before mangyari yun may kapitbahay rin kaming nagsuicide
kaya lang di natuloy. Uminom siya ng muriatic. Eh that time nagkwentuhan kami ng kapatid ko,
alam mo ang sabi ko ‘Ang babaw naman ng rason ano?’ Sabi pa nya, ‘Ang tanga tanga naman
nun.’ E that time kasi may asawa naman yun, tapos yung asawa niya ata may babae. Alam mo
‘yung ganon, tapos nalaman nya. So ano. Kaso di siya natuluyan, siya yung nabuhay. So
nagkwentuhan kaming magkapatid, kami yung namatayan. Parang ang babaw na
magpapakamatay ka, yun lang? Parang ang paniniwala ko sa suicide, before that happened ang
babaw naman. May tanong din ako. Sabi ko, ‘Sukdulan ba ang hirap sa damdamin sa ganon?’
Yung di mo makayanan. Sinasabi mo e. Ilalahad mo lang yung problema. Malay mo sa
pagkekwento mo mahahanp mo yung sagot. Ganon ang paniniwala ko dati sa suicide. Parang
lack of love or attention.
R: E after po ng suicide ng kapatid niyo may nagbago po ba sa pagtingin niyo?
P:May nagbago din. Ang ano dun, strong relationship with the Lord. If you have a strong
relationship with the Lord walang problemang susukuan mo. So pag mayroon kang problema
basta isipin mo nalang lahat ng problema binigay ni Lord may solusyon. Kung walang solusyon
hindi yan problema. So pag may problema ka, may solusyon yan. Di pwedeng wala. At kung
may naano kang relasyon sa Panginoon, walang imposible di ba? ‘Yun ang naging ano ko.
P: ‘Yung kapatid niyo po ba, Christian din?

R: Hindi, di siya Christian. Actually sa family, ako lang. Sabi ko nga e, ‘Lord, kung ito po ang
turning point ng buhay ko. Kung ito po ang dahilan para maakay ko yung pamilya ko sa paanan
Niyo, tanggapin niya Kayo bilang tagapagligtas, so be it.’ Alam mo may purpose si Lord
kumbakit. Kumbakit nangyari yon. Yun ang nagpamotivate sa akin. Alam kong may purpose
kung bakit nangyari ‘yon hindi lang siya basta-bastang nangyrai kasi everyday ng buhay ko,
every day and night pinagpepray ko siya, lahat pamilya ko, mga nadidisgrasya, lahat ng
nagkakasakit. Lahat ginagawa ko and yet nangyari pa rin diba. What does it mean? ‘Lord may
purpose ka kumbakit. Yun ang dapat kong madiscover.’
R: So after po nun, ano pa po yung narealize nyo po?
P:Narealize ko ang buhay ng tao, di mo alam kung kailan. Kung kalian mawawala, hanggang
kalian ka. Pero wala kang karapatang kunin yon, pinahiram lang sa atin ang buhay natin. Ang
may-ari ng buhay natin ay si Lord. Si Lord lang ang pwedeng kumuha. Narealize ko din kapag
may problem ka, di rin masamang magkwento. Humingi ng payo sa taong alam mong..
R: Nakakaintindi.
P:Nakakakintindi sayo. ‘Yung mapagkakatiwalaan mo. Alam mo yun.
R: It’s Lord’s will po ganun.
P:It depends on God, on the Lord. If you have a strong relationship with the Lord walang
problemang di mo malalampasan yan ang paniniwala ko.
R: So Sir last question na po, ano po ang maadvice niyo sa mga taong pong kagaya niyo pong
nawalan ng kaibigan, mahal sa buhay dahil sa suicide?
P:Maadvice ko? Mmm acceptance. Acceptance. Yun ang una. Acceptance sa lahat ng aspeto,
tanggap mo na nangyari ‘to, tanggap mo na may rason. Tska ano, prayer pa rin is the best. May
mga taong di handa, na katulad ko may pamilyang nangyaring ganon. The best is yung
pagbuklod-buklod ng pamilya nyo. Kasi nung mawala yung kapatid ko, mas lalo kaming naging
close. So wag na nating hintayin may mangyari pa bago tayo maging tight. So as much as
possible, as long as you live and you’re still there. Do your best to your parents and siblings sa
mga taong mahal mo. Kasi katulad sa pamilya ko kasi, kami kasi yung awkward yung ‘I love
you Ma, I love you Pa.’ Awkward yun. Di kami lumaking ganon, mahirap lang naman kami
noon sa Palawan. Ang goal ng magulang ay pakainin mga anak niya, narealize ko when the time
comes ako yung pamilya ko di ko gagawin yon. Lumaki yung mga anak ko na di kami close.
Dapat open sila kahit anong problema yan. Any circusmtances open yung parents. Magopen
dapat yung mga anak sa magulang. Pag may problema pinaguusapan, di mo kinikimkim yung
anak mo. Dapat di mo. Alam mo, kaya naisip ko din na hiningi kapatid ko kasi di kami close as a
family na pag siguro pag sinabi niya papagalitan siya. Kasi nagkwento sa kapit bahay namin,
tinanong kasi, ‘*** may boyfiend kana?’ ‘Ay wala ate, magagalit si kuya,’ sabing ganon. So sabi
ko, sabi ng kapitbahay namin imposibleng wala kang boyfriend sa ganda mong yan. ‘Wala nga
ate.’ So nung sinabi sa akin ng kapitbahay, buti nga sinabi mo nung buhay pa, ‘*** Okay
langmagboypren basta alam mo lang priority mo.’ Part yan e. Yung pagkaroon ng boyfriend.
parang inspiration. Inspiration lang yan. Di mo kailangang seryosohin. Alam mo dapat priority
mo.
R: So yun Sir tapos na po yung interview. Salamat po sir. May tanong po ba kayo sa aming
researchers?
P:Wala naman. Naiintindihan ko naman kasi naging estudyante rin ako. Psychology kayo ako
naman history. So nagconduct rin ako ng ganyan dati. Kaya nung sabihin ni doc *** okay lang.
Naging estudyante rin ako e. Alam ko gaano kahirap yan e.
R: Ang gusto po namin kasi talagang malaman ngayon kasi po laganap na yung mga suicide ng
mga kabataan, kahit sino po parang gusto po naming maintindihan bakit po nangyayari yon at the
same time kung paano po yung kalagayan ng mga naiwan nung mga nagsuicide.
P:Open communication lang talaga. Be observant. Open communication para malaman mo. Kasi
ako, katulad ko naghihintay lang ako na sabihin. Dapat pala di ganon. Dapat sa pagiging
observant mo makikita mo. Di kasi ako observant e. Ako kasi parang pag lumapit ka sa akin, di
ka mapapahiya yung tipong ako yung una. Dapat be observant, nahihiya nga siya ikaw
nakakaramdam. Ikaw magapproach. Open communication lang talaga and be observant. Para
maiwasan. Nung mangyari sa kapati ko yan, nauso sa kapitbahay namin. Di ba naalala mo yung
anak nung artista. Nauso sya.
R: Si buencamino po?
P:Di ba anak niya, magkasunod lang sila no’n. Nauna lang yung kapatid ko sumunod yon.
Parang yung time na yun, January ‘yon. January 2015 parang nauso yan. Ang daming
nagpakamatay sa amin din, estudyante rin ganon. Bakit ganon, ano bang meron? E yun artista na
yun ah. Maraming kaibigan yon pero nangyari pa rin. So sabi ko, ano nga yan. Dapat open ang
communication niyo. Tapos yung parents dapat observant. Ganon.
R: So dapat yung iapproach din po talaga ‘no?
P:Oo diba dapat iapproach pag dumating yung anak mo, ‘Anak kamusta yung school?’ Dapat isa
sa mga recommendation niyo yung kakamustahin yung anak. Kahit ano lang, kahit ano lang
basta may topic na mapaguusapan. ‘Oh, kamusta yung study? Yung test natin dyan?’ Kahit
ganon lang. Para lang mabreak yung something na ewan ko ano tawag don. Mabreak yon. Break
the ice.
R: Opo break the ice para magoopen up din po.
P:Wag dapat sisihin ang anak, wag papagalitan kaagad. Maging balance. And maging open yung
anak sa pamilya at sa bawat magulang din.
R: Opo tama po. So Sir thank you po. Di po tayo makapagmeet face to face para mabigay po
sana yung token niyo. Pero pag natapos yung thesis na ‘to papaalam po namin results sa inyo.
Isesend nalang po namin sa facebook.
P:Sige okay. Okay okay sige.
R: Maraming salamat po sir. Sir, teka lang po yung informed consent po pala. Kasi kailangan po
ng signature po nun e. Paano po kaya? Yung sinend ko po sa fb.
P:Sino ba ang contact niyo kay doc ***?
R: Ah. Yung professor po namin sa psychology.
P:Pwede kong iabot kay doc ***. Ahhh sa Pampanga nga pala kayo ano?
R: Okay lang po ba sir na iprint niyo po tapos kahit picture lang po nung nasign niyo na?
P:Oo pwede.
R: Okay lang po ba yon. Di naman po abala?
P:Kailan niyo ba kailangan?
R: Di naman po soon.
P:Sige, iprint ko tapos scan ko ipadala ko sa inyo.
R: Kahit sa facebook nalang po. Okay na po yun. Salamat po talaga. Sorry po sa abala.
P:Okay lang.
R: Salamat po sige po. Bye sir.
Trasncript of interview with Daniel
R- Researchers
P- Daniel
R: So, na- present naman pod to yung thesis topic namin. Yung topic po kasi namin, yun nga po,
we want to dwell into the experiences of suicide survivors. Kung ano po yung nangyari. Kasi po
sa suicide, hindi lang naman po yung victim yung focus, may naiwan po silang mahal sa buhay.
Tapos, siyempre po yung mahal nila sa buhay na iyon, meron ding naeexperience na grief,
feelings associated doon sa taong nagcommit nga po ng suicide. So, ngayon po, pwede niyo po
bang ikwento kung sino po yung nagsuicide at ano po yung relasyon niyo sa kanya?
P: Ah, youngest sister. Only girl sa aming magkakapatid. Yung kapatid ko actually yung
nakakita eh, sinabi na lang sa akin. Usually kasi she works the graveyard shift, so nandiyan siya
ng umaga, kami naman nagtatrabaho, natutulog siya. So we got used to that. Kasi she’s a nurse
eh, may inaalagaan siyang matanda who happens to be the former governor of Pampanga, si
Nepomuceno. Yung father ni dating congressman. She got home yung morning na yun, along the
way, namatay yung alaga niya. So, patay na yung matanda. Nasa bahay siya, although alam
namin nasa kwarto, nagla- lock yan at natutulog. Eh wala yung pusitso nung matanda, hindi nila
ma- contact, tumawag sa bahay. Hinanap si Anna, her name is Anna, kung saan tinago yung
dentures kasi namatay na si ano, kailangan nila for.. So kumatok yung brother ko, hindi
sumasagot. Kinakalabog na hindi pa rin sumasagot. Nag- alala na siya, he forced it open, at ayun
nakita niya nakasabit doon sa ano. Kaso hindi lang iyon yung attempt niya. The night that
happened, the night before, uminom din siya ng insecticide saka naglaslas din. So desidido siya.
Three ways. Kaya pala noong uminom ako sa baso namin, naamoy ko, parang may amoy
pesticide o whatever. Ayon, tapos in- inform na kami that this happened. So umuwi ako. Ako,
nasa labas ako noon eh, tutulungan namin yung kaibigan kong mamanhikan. Birthday din niya
yun nung namatay yung kapatid ko. Umuwi ka na emergency, bakit kaya ano kayang nangyari?
Akala ko nasusunog yung bahay, tumawag yung mother ko umiiyak eh. This is bad, sabi ko. So
ayon, that’s how we found out, those are the circumstances. Wala siyang note, we don’t know
really what caused it or what her reasons were. So ayun, ganun na.
R: Kelan po nangyari iyon?
P: August 13, 2000. Tagal na iyon.
R: 17 years?
P: Oo, 17 years na. She was 25 years old and a registered nurse. May trabaho na siya, tapos na
ng pagaaral tapos nagtatrabaho na.
R: Pero before that, parang wala naman pong pinakitang signs?
P: Wala, walang unusual. Sabi nga baka buntis. So in- autopsy pero hindi. Wala naman akong
alam na boyfriend niya. Mga kaibigan niyia, wala rin naming nakitang kakaiba sa kanya. Ayon,
hindi namin alam kung ano talagang cause.
R: But she has always been close and open with the family?
P: Sa akin, oo. Hindi ganun ka- open, pero we talked. Pag may kailangan siya, usap naman kami.
Pero kaming dalawa lag, mother, father, hindi.
R: Pero on the occasions before that one po, wala naman po kayong napagkwentuhan or wala
naman po siyang naopen up sa inyo na anything?
P: Wala.
R: How did you take it po, yung narining niyo yung news na ay, wala na si [Anna].
P: Ako, I’m strong, mataas ang pain threshold ko. Hindi naman ako maiyak eh. Pero nalungkot
ako. My parents took it hard, kasi the natural course of things is children bury their parents,
never the other way around. So, ayun. There are nights na nagigising yung father ko, hinahanap
siya. Few days, few weeks, actually naiiyak siya, papasok ng kwarto, lalabas siya. Eh alam mo
na eh kasi in denial. Nasaan na yung kapatid mo, hindi pa umuuwi gabi na? Mother ko rin,
tahimik lang siya. Pero, brothers, ayun, ganun din. What did I do after that? Did I grieve, oo.
Pero when I think about it, life goes on. So ayun, tuluy- tuloy lang. Never talked about it
anymore, we just visited her. Kapag All Saints’ Day, kaming lahat. Once in a while,
pinapasyalan namin. Ayun. We just pray for her, pag ano, pag Araw ng Kamatayan, magpamisa.
R: Kayo po ba did you also experience, like what you said yung father ninyo, there were times
na, especially during the stage of denial, did you also go through the stages of denial?
P: Oo, minsan, kasi yung kami, medyo close sa akin. Tatawagin ko siya, Anna? Saan na ba, wala
na nga pala siya. Iyon, yung mga ganun lang. Kasi I got used to it, 25 years din kaming
magkasama. Hindi naman pwede yung mawawala na lang siya tapos…
R: All throughout that time po you were living in the same house?
P: Yeah. Same house and we still live there.
R: So, after noon po hindi niyo po masadong pinag- usapan yung about the suicide?
P: Sometimes, nagkakaharap- harap kami during dinner time o meal time. Magtatanong- tanong
yung mother ko, ano kaya yung naging dahilan nung kapatid ninyo, bakit nagkaganun? Iyak na
naman siya. No suicide note, no nothing, no clues. Basta yung alam lang namin kasi, yung pag
uwi niya ng bahay, tulog na siya. Pag uwi niya ng bahay, sasalubong lang kami. Kasi yung
trabaho namin hindi pareho yung oras. Ayun. Oh, kuya lakad na ako. Ayun, ganun lang. Tapos
umaga naman, pagpasok niya, diretso na sa kwarto niya, tulog na.
R: Usually understanding na lang din po nung job niya, kasi yung job din po niya was very
hectic. Minsan kayo po parang ayaw niyo nang harangin or…
P: Oo, mag- a- adjust ka na lang. Makikita mo naman siya na puyat eh. Tamad iyon so
babantayan lang yung ano, so anong ginagawa niya? Wala pa masyadong smartphone noon. So,
you will read a book, watch TV, listen to the radio, whatever. Babantayan mo lang yung matanda
kung kailangan niya ng kumain, o he needs to go to the restroom, whatever. Ayon. Ako nga I
really don’t know what her job is pero personal siya na nurse, so I suppose that’s what she’d do.
R: What were the challenges po na nagcome up after nung suicide?
P: Oh a lot of questions. What happened? What happened? Asan siya? Suicide is not something
we usually talk about, one thing is nakakahiya, di ba? Kapatid mo yung [nagsuicide].
R: So even kayo po sa family, ganun din po ang naging view on suicide, after it happened? I
mean did you openly talk about it to other people or kapag tinatanong why.
P: A lot of people know about it, kaso yung people na nabalitaan na lang, magtatanong pa iyan.
And up ‘til this day, pag nalalaman nila. “Uy, kapatid mo pala, sorry ah. Pero anong dahilan
niya?” Still clocks up every now and then. Everybody knows, kamag- anak, kaibigan ng kamag-
anak, kaibigan ng kaibigan ng kamag- anak. Kaibigan ko.
R: It’s widespread.
P: Oo. So everyone knows. Some are sensitive enough not to discuss it. Some are tactless,
itatanong nila. Kasi, it’s really intriguing eh.
R: Usually, how do you tackle, for instance may magtatanong sa inyo. Are you open about it or
do you usually try your best to divert the conversation somewhere else?
P: No, face it head- on. Tulad nga ng sinabi ko, mataas ang pain threshold at saka matapang din
ako eh. My mom died, my dad died, kapatid ko died. Shed a few tears pero that’s it. Head- on,
diretso, what do you want to know? Why do you want to know?
R: So, aside po doon sa questions na nasaan na siya, ano pa po yung ibang sa tingin niyong
kahirapan na napagdaanan ninyo at ng family niyo after the suicide?
P: Yung adjustment lang talaga. Basically sa parents eh. Kami naming magkakapatid, hindi
naman kami masyadong naguusap, yung mga kapatid kong dalawa. Hindi kami close nun, iba
yung interes nila, iba yung sa akin. So we just talked, ganun lang. “Kumain ka na ba?” The
usual. Otherwise, we don’t talk about it. Yung parents lang talaga, kasi it will make it hard for
them.
R: Was there any change po with your relationship with your parents or with your fellow
siblings po whether it got closer or medyo it got distant? With your parents and siblings po, after
[ng suicide].
P: Kasi ganun pa rin kami eh. Magkaiba kasi talaga kami ng interest, so we have anything to
discuss.
R: Eh with the parents po? Were you open to your parents?
P: Oo, sabi ko, kapag may problema kayo, o may problema tayo, pag- usapan natin, sabihan
natin sa knila or kausapin natin sila or ano. Ayun. That’s it, ganun lang. Ayun, neto nga nag-
uusap- usap na nga, minsan ipon- ipon, tatawagin, usap tayo may ganitong problema, may
ganito, may ganyan. So we got to communicate a little more, we got a little closer probably. Pero
otherwise, pagkatapos noon, kanya- kanya pa rin. They have their own job, I have mine. Tapos
yung iba nag- asawa at trabaho. Parents, ganun din.
R: So life goes on po?
P: Oo. Kasi you can’t spend the rest of your life mauling over ganun eh, nangyayari talaga. You
move on. Pagdasal mo na lang siya. Pagdasal mo na lang. Kasi, same questions they were asking
me are the same questions we have. So, there’s really no answer. Hindi namin alam. Tinanong
namin kaibigan, nagkita ba kayo? Oo. May nagiba ba? Wala. Ang ano lang is, nalaman namin
kung gaano karami yung kaibigan niya noong mamatay siya. Maraming- maraming tao tapos
yung iba hindi naman namin kilala. Kaibigan niya, tapos lalapit na lang. “Ako po yung kaibigan
ni ano, tinulungan niya ako nung ganito.” Okay. “Ako po yung kaibigan niya, inaanak niya poi
to.” Okay.
R: So, doon po sa questions niyo, in a way, paano po kayo nagcope dun sa mga, paano kayo
naghanap ng answers?
P: Wala, hindi naman kami naghanap ng answers eh. There was, may bayaw kami na pulis,
hinalughog yung ano, nothing. So, ano lang, tambakan na lang natin ito. Kahit anong gawin
nating pag- iyak o ano, investigation, whatever, hindi na siya babalik eh. Ako nga, malakas nga
yung ano ko, ay, tanggapin na lang natin. It’s gonna be hard, yes. Hindi ba? Pero, we have to go
on. Ganun lang, move on. Kasi nga parang it’s a kind of like a spilled milk, all you have to do
with the spill is punasan mo and yun, tapos. So, yung sa kapatid mo is, wala ka naming
magagawa, so tanggapin mo, tatandaan mo na lang siya. Remember yung good times you have.
She’s still part of the family, yung mga pictures nandun pa, yung pangalan is still, nandun
sa…yun. We keep her pictures, lalo na ako, files ko hindi ko binubura. Photojournalist pala ako.
So, iyon.
R: In your opinion po, in your personal experience, medyo how long did you think it took you
before you could’ve actually, parang medyo nakapag- move on na kayo from your experience?
P: Parang we were, nahihirapan lang kami kapag nakikita naming nalulungkot yung parents
namin about that. So, it took quite a while. Quite a while. Kasi mamaya pag nakakasama ko
mother ko, we do house chores. Tapos mamaya maririnig kong sumisigaw. “Bakit ka umiiyak?
Sabi ko sa’yo huwag ka masyadong manonood ng drama sa TV. Makakasama sa’yo yan.”
“Hindi, naaalala ko lang kapatid mo.” Ay iyon na naman. Okay. “Wala naman tayong
magagawa. Hindi naman kita pwedeng pigilan o pagalutan.” Maya- maya okay na siya. Eh
mamaya pag naisip na naman..
R: So it was a cycle for a long time with your parents?
P: Oo, parents never really get over it. Brothers and sisters, that happened seventeen years ago.
Bata ka pa, you have your whole life ahead of you. Go on. Basta kapatid mo pa rin sila whatever
happens, hindi ba?
R: Pero they sort of accepted din po, yung pagkamatay niya?
P: I don’t think so. They passed away na pero they never really got over it kasi maya- maya,
talagang may reaction. Still pops up, tulad ng sinabi ko sa inyo. Pero they just keep it to
themselves, ayaw na rin siguro nilang guluhin kami or ano. Alam mo naman yung parents na iba,
they are considerate, they are understanding and kind. So, why burden my children with ganun?
Ako na, sa akin na lang, sa amin na lang.
R: Pwede kop o bang matanong? Kasi before the suicide happened po, what were your views
about suicide? Before you personally experienced it?
P: Katulad nga noon, journalist ako di ba? So, I have an inkling of how it would be but I never
thought it would happen to us. Never. And you don’t want it ever to happen to you, di ba? And
that happened, shit happened. All you have to do is cuss, magmura, magalit. Pero kanino ka
magagalit? Hindi mo alam yung reason, hindi mo naman pwedeng pagalitan, hindi niya naman
naririnig. Hindi mo nga alam yung reason, so who are you gonna direct your anger at, di ba?
Yung frustration mo, yung galit mo, yung whatever. And, baka ako. Ayun na. Hindi naman
siguro. Baka yung nanay ko, brother, mga kapatid, pero hindi eh. Pero you go through that.
“Anong nangyari, baka may nagawa ako?” Ayun, those questions.
R: Parang may evaluations?
P: Oo, on your part, oo. Kami siguro ganun.

R: Pero for instance nga po before, as a journalist for instance, you’ve heard stories of people,
someone committing suicide, kayo po, what were the thoughts running in your head? For
instance sa news po, with someone not closely related to you committing suicide. If you see a
news report about someone who committed suicide, what were initially your thoughts?
P: Ayun nga yung, journalists kasi are trained to be objective eh. So, just look at it as another
story, pero yung drama nakikita mo. So, yung drama is also applied dun sa story para makulay. I
didn’t think much about it, it’s just another coverage. Pag nakikita mo yung ano, ah. Pero yung
mga circumstances that happened before that, ayon, iba- iba. Iba- iba talaga sila. Merong hindi
napagbigyan sa gusto, meron naming mga habit, merong sira- ulo talaga. Iba- iba yung mga
circumstances. Ito, yung sa amin, many questions asked. Kahit ako minsan, ano ba talaga
nangyari? Sobra naman yata iyon. Kung kami, galit na galit naman yata sa amin kung kami yun.
Wala talagang nakakaalam. Kasi masayahin naman siya eh, she goes out with her friends. Hindi
lang namin alam kung sino. Yung nga when she passed away ang daming pumupunta sa bahay.
Tapos, tumutugtog din ako, pumupunta siya, nanonood siya. Tapos minsan,
makikipagkwentuhan, magtatanong sa akin, kuya ano yung ganito, kuya ano yung ganyan?
Minsan nanghihiram ng pera. “Kuya pahiram ng pera.” Typical na ginagawa ng nakababatang
kapatid, lalo na ako panganay. So, ayun. Iba- iba talaga yung ano, so, yung degrees din ng
grieving, immeasurable. Pero yung iba din, sira- ulo kasi, minsan may naririning na lang kami,
kasi ano eh, adik. All throughout the wake, yung father ko kasi, inatake na siya, so hindi siya
pinapasok nung Makita yung kapatid ko. Pati yung mother ko, tinabi sila. Ayun umiiyak,
siyempre.
R: So, they didn’t get to see your sister?
P: Oo, inatake siya when I got home. Pero yung mother ko tumawag. Pagtawag niya, ayan
umiiyak na. Ano kayang nangyari, tapos sinabi niya straight up.
R: So, you found out over the phone before you went home?
P: Oo, pauwi na ako nun. Tumawag sila, umuwi ka daw may emergency. Okay sabi ko. Along
the way, tumawag yung mother ko. Ayun. Kapagkadating ko, nasa bed na. Ibinaba na siya.
Diretso nga ako sa [kwarto], huwag ka munang papasok. Hindi, kaya ko. Walang problema yun
sabi ko. Wala akong, basta diretso lang ako. Saan niyo nakita, sabi ko. Nag- imbestiga.
R: Do you think it was more of shocked po or it was really your personality, more on headstrong
lang talaga kayo?
P: Oo, shocked ako, shocked ako. Pero, I get over it really quick eh. Kasi siyempre, parang
medyo natulala yung, ganun ka muna, siyempre initially. Pero ngayon, ang nangyari, nakabitin
na pero hindi pa naka- ano yung paa sa sahig. Kasi merong mga ganun di ba? Sabi nila nagbigti
pero naka- ano yung. Ang laki- laki niya, nakayanan niya. Kasi matibay naman, she’s ano eh,
mataba. Medyo malaking babae. Actually, hindi lang yun kuya, tignan mo yung pulso niya, may
laslas.
R: Did you ever know about that before, or parang sabay- sabay niyo lang nalaman after?
P: Nakita ko na dati, tapos sinabi sa akin. Tapos, yun nga, naalala ko nga yung amoy ng baso.
Kaya pala, sabi ko. Kasi yun yung typical na ano noon, di tulad ngayon may iba- ibang paraan
na. Pero yun, yung old school, iinom ka ng insecticide, maglalaslas ka, at magbibigti. Either of
those, eh wala kaming baril so hindi siya pwede. Sobra na yun. Her room is still there, kaso
ginawa na lang naming stock room. Yung mga gamit niya hindi namin ginalaw, pictures..
R: Her room is still as it is po?
P: Partly, yes. Tapos yung mga, walang guamagamit, siyempre ayaw na rin. Yung mga gamit na
ano namin, nilagay na lang namin doon. Pero the pictures, wall clock, mga stuff niya sa drawer
niya hindi namin pinakialaman. Yung clothes niya, some are still there. Yung iba, pinamigay,
binenta. Ayun, what are they gonna with those clothes? Ayun. Ganun lang talaga ako. Hindi
naman naapektuhan eh, ano pang magagawa mo? Hindi na siya babalik. Ilabas mo na yung guilt
mo, I’ll find another way to do that. Ako nag- focus ako sa trabaho to keep my mind off it eh.
Alam mo naman yung trabaho ng journalists, we work everyday, twice on Sundays, even
holidays. And, pag ano, when we remember, wala hindi naman kami kumikibo, hindi naman
namin paguusapan. Lalo na ngayon, wala na yung parents namin. You go on with your loves.
Wala ka nang magagawa.
R: So after po nung death nung sister niyo, meron po bang, was there a sense of greater
understanding about suicide in general?
P: Ako, oo. Always had an ano about that, kasi dini- discuss din like sa psychology, sociology,
or whatever. So you have an idea of what it is pero yung parents would never understand. Lalo
na yung circumstances are mysterious. Di bale sana kung sinabing kasi ganito, kasi ganun. Wala
eh, wala. Lahat ng note niya tinignan namin. Yung mga papel- papel doon.
R: So it was kind of an open end po talaga, para walang closure?
P: Walang closure, walang closure.
R: Do you think yun po talaga yung reason probably why it took such a big toll on your parents
po?
P: Oo.
R: When a death happens because some things have occurred…29:00 Tapos nadepress yung
mother ko. Tumaas yung sugar, later on, siya naman, she passed away seven years later. Pero
ganun pa rin yung ano, naaalala pa rin yung ano, napaguusapan pa rin. One event nagkaroon na
usapan yung mother ko at saka kapatid ko, bangayan na maliit. Sinisi yung mother ko, “kaya
siguro nagpakamatay si Anna dahil sa ugali ninyo.” Umiyak.
P: Very sensitive.
R: Oo. Pag- usapan niyo yung situation. Counter- productive 30:00
P: Was there any other instance po na sense of blame or guilt on your part on the part of your
family?
R: If there ever was, we just kept it to ourselves. Katulad nga noon kasi, when we open it up,
kapag napaguusapan, umiiyak yung mother, nalulungkot yung father. So why put them into
that?
R: how about you po personally, as a really close na kapatid niya. Was there a sense of guilt or
blame, or anything on you part?
P: Yeah, pero okay naman kami eh. Although I was tough on her too. Napapalo, napapagalitan.
Eh siya lang ang mag- isang babae, tapos panganay at bunso siya, panganay ako. Ayun, unang-
una, pagdating doon, why? Hanggang ngayon, why? Kasi nga walang nakakaalam, kahit yung
mga kaibigan niya.
R: May narealize po ba kayong life lesson after yung event na yun? How did it change you
personally?
P: You need to be a little more sensitive. Watch what you say or i- study mo muna yung
situation before you make any.. Kami, kahit hindi namin dini- discuss, we’re blaming ourselves
din eh na baka may ginawa ako. Hindi mo lang ma- pinpoint kung ano iyon. So, ayun, on my
part ganun. Tapos, yung misis ko, hindi pa siya kilala nun. Pinapaalalahanan niya ako,
kakausapin mo yung kapatid mo? Oo. “Oh dahan- dahan ka lang, baka mag-away kayo. Kundi
siya magalit baka atakihin ka.” Okay, sige akong bahala. There are many ways to skin a cat, you
can use this word for that word. Instead of saying galit ako sa iyo, you’d say nagtatampo ako sa
iyo.
R: Sounds less heavy…
P: Oo, saka yung tone di ba? Pero you can’t help it kasi kami, talagang old school. Pag yung
erpat, mura tapos sigaw. Very old school. It’s you millennials I think, have not experienced. Puro
ano lang di ba, tapos unfriend mo.
R: Medyo naabutan pa po namin in our earlier years. Pero in between years po medyo hindi na.
P: Ay kami ano, kaya siguro matigas din. Ayun, ewan ko. The questions are, the why.. I don’t
know. Hindi bale sana kung inatake o nabaliw, eh kaso it’s a suicide. Tapos walang note. Ganun
eh, pag nagco- cover ako, nagsuicide, meron bang note? Ano po yung reason bakit siya
nagpatiwakal? Ganun. Tapos, isulat mo, not knowing that it could happen to you. And it
happened to us nga. I don’t know how to react. Tapos iiling- iling ka na lang, then, why?
R: So, that’s the lingering question?
P: From this day up until the day we die, sabi ko pag namatay na ako, when I get up there,
hopefully I see her. O itatanong ko na lang sa Diyos, ano bang nangyari? That’s when I get the
answer. Pero yung ano, ganun din. Punta ka sa pari, punta ka sa albularyo, punta ka sa duktor,
punta ka sa kaibigan, ganun pa rin eh. Ano bang nangyari? Ganun yung mga tanong nila eh. All
they can do is console you. Pero they can never answer the question, kung bakit. Ganun ka-
extreme yung ginawa. Would you do that for love? Ewan ko kung matibay ako. Kaya dumami
friends ko, friends na naman, ayoko na ng friends, andami- dami ko nang friends. Ewan ko lang
kung ano, basta ako ganun, I get over things faster than anyone else. Money, hindi naman siguro.
Kumikita siya eh. May trabaho siya. Family, okay naman kami. At least you can talk to one
member of the family kasi ganyan talaga magkakapatid di ba? Hindi magkakasundo, kahit yung
parents at mga anak hindi rin magkakasundo. Ewan ko.
R: What did you think were the factors that helped you po in coping with your loss po, besides
from your strong personality? Other factors po that you think really helped you in moving on
from your loss?
P: Acceptance, acceptance. When something dies you can never get it back. So, yun lang. When
you accept it, it’s the first step in moving on. Making things easier for you, for yourself, for your
family, tanggapin na lang natin yun. Wala na tayong magagawa. Kahit paano mo iyakan iyan,
magdabog ka pa, baka kung ano pa maisip mo, magkakasakit ka, tanggapin na lang natin.
Sinasabi ko sa kanila, kapag tinatanong nga ulit ng mommy, kalimutan na lang natin yung
nangyari, wag niyo siyang kalimutan, at tanggapin na lang natin. Tanggapin na lang natin yung
nangyari. Tanggapin niyo, kalimutan niyo, no one can answer the question.
R: In your opinion po, after what happened, did you get closer to your faith, did you get closer to
your family, your friends, to find comfort?
P: Oh yeah, oo. Yung mga kaibigan ko they are always on hand naman, nandun silang lahat.
Tapos, siyempre kilala din nila, ng mga kaibigan ko. “Okay ka lang?” Oo. Okay naman. Pakainin
niyo lang ako saka isang case ng Red Horse ayos na ako. Ayun. Tapos, yun pinagdarasal ko,
every chance I get, lagi siyang nandun along with my parents na ngayon and some really good
friends, relatives, usually ganon. Ayon, yung masama lang nga doon ay it was too soon. Di ba?
R: She was very young po. If you come to think of it, she was just five years older than we are
right now.
P: Oo, 25. Too young. Yun lang yung ano doon. Tapos professional na siya eh. Registered nurse
na.
R: She was a newly registered nurse po?
P: Hindi, ilang taon na rin siya nun. Twenty- five, nakatapos siya ng Nursing 20 years old.
Siguro usually, nagmamadali ka, the year na mag- graduate ka magre- review ka na. Habang
fresh pa. Tapos noon, nakapagtrabaho na rin siya. Ako nga, I was thinking na, baka ako pa yung
mauuna sa kanila kasi lifestyle ko. I live on the edge, I am a photojournalist, so I’m where the
action is, may barilan, akyatan sa bundok o whatever. I live a rock and roll lifestyle, I smoke, I
drink like a fish, I smoke like a chimney, I rock and roll all night. Tapos ngayon may mga
conditions na, mataas ang sugar, mataas ang trigly. So, valedictorian ako, summa, mataas lahat
ang mga. But I don’t take maintenance kasi I walk a lot.
R: Especially with your work.
P: Oo. If you can’t get there with a car, what are you gonna do? You can’t fly. It keeps me on
my toes. Tapos yung pagtraba- trabaho nga ng ganun, yun nga, ako, I got to cope with it. You
never get over it eh, pero I get to think a lot lesser about it. Andito pa rin siya, kasi kapatid ko eh.
Andito, andoon. At the back of your mind, maiisip mo pa rin siya palagi. Tapos pag may
okasyon, yan. Birthday niya, Christmas, New Year, Thanksgiving, birthday ng anak mo, birthday
ng pamangkin niya,o birthday ng pinsan. Kasi darating kayo magkakasama. Tapos yung mga
pinsan, alam mo naman yung mga pinsan, mahalaga yan eh, mapagmahal. They never bring it
up, rarely. Kasi alam din nila yung what happened, what happened to us also happened to them.
Kasi kamag- anak mo eh. So, they know the situation. They don’t push. Alam nila, nandun sila,
nakita din nila, nakahiga. Doon pa sa ano ah, bago pa kunin ng punerarya. Yung iba nakita nila.
So, ayun, ganun lang. Tapos every chance I get nga, pag pinagdarasal. That’s how I…tulad nga
ako, mabilis yung pag ano ko, mabilis yung pag- adjust ko sa ganyan. Kasi nga, yung una
masakit talaga. Tapos lagi kong naiisip. Pero, yun nga, kung iisipin mo talaga, magkakasakit ka,
malulungkot ka lagi. Tuloy mo na lang yung ginagawa mo, wala ka naming magagawa.
R: So, you divert your attention to your work talaga?
P: Oo. I’ll just live in another way. I’ll just do it another way.
R: So, last question. Sa tingin niyo po, what advice would you give to a suicide survivor who is
going through the same experience you have gone through po?
P: Ayun nga, first step, we’re talking about how to get over, ganun?
R: Opo.
P: Accept it, unang- una. You may be luckier than me kasi baka may naiwan na ano iyon o na-
observe niyo na may kakaiba sa kanya. It will be a lot easier nun than yung sisihin mo yung sarili
mo. Di mo maiwasan yun, pero wag naman masyado. Kasalanan ko, kasalanan ko. Oo, yes, pero
what are you gonna do? Isipin mo na lang, magpa- sorry ka na lang, tapos magdasal ka na lang.
When you’re young, you have a whole life ahead of you. Masisira ka lang kung yun ang lagi
mong iisipin lagi. Although yung ano nga, muntik nga masira yung ulo mo, lalo na kung ikaw
yung alam mong ikaw yung may kasalanan. So, accept, tapos ipagdasal mo na lang, wala ka
nang magagawa doon. And, go on with your life. Wag mo na lang siyang kalimutan, hindi mo
naman siya makakalimutan eh. Acceptance nga is the first step in solving ano. Ako, I don’t really
know what I did, basta’t yun, tinanggap ko na lang, then trabaho na ako. I went on with my life.
Kaso ang ano nga, dahil nangyari na sa iyo, it’s always there, baka mangyari uli. It lingers just
like yung questions na hindi mo alam kng bakit nangyari. So you need to be a little more weary,
pero a little more sensitive doon sa tinitignan- tignan mo na yung mga kapatid mo, mga pinsan
mo. You’re always ready na ano, nakikita mong medyo malungkot, puntahan mo, ganito,
ganyan. Iimbestigahan na. Just to clear things out, baka saan mapunta. Kasi nangyari na sayo, it
could happen again. So, ayun, maging medyo sensitive ka na rin sa mga kasama mo sa bahay.
Yun na, accept niyo, wala na rin kayong magagawa. Ayun, dasal. Wala na, ayun lang kasi
magagawa mo eh. You can pig out, tataba ka magkakasakit ka. Pwede kang inom nang inom
tulad ng ginagawa ng iba. Ako, hindi naman ako napunta doon, although sabi ko nga sa inyo I
drink like a fish. Pero, hindi ako, it doesn’t solve anything. Just like I said, uminom ka nang
uminom, makakalimutan mo. Pag gising mo may hangover ka, pag wala na iyon, ayun na naman.
Anong gagawin mo? Iinom ka na naman. Eh baka saan pa mapunta yun, kung hindi na naso-
solve sa inom, baka mag- drugs nay an. It could get worse, then you could turn out to be the next
victim kasi nga yung nangyari hindi mo nakayanan. Ano lang, pag dating sa ganyan, basta ako,
ang comforting na words. Two years ago, yung kaibigan ko, inatake siya. Yun, bigla yun.
Tumawag yung kumpare niya sa akin. “Jo, si Jem nasa ospital.” “Anong nangyari?” “Inatake.”
Pumunta ako, namatay siya. Nandun siya sa loob eh, hindi kami nagkita. Yun, mabigat din yun,
malungkot. Mas nalungkot ako dun kesa yung mamatay yung parents ko. Kasi yung alam mo sila
may sakit, so eventually, you’re preparing yourself. Kasi makikita mo may condtion sila. It’s a
matter of when and how. Probably you know how, when na lang. Eh yun, 52 years old inatake.
You know he’s a nice guy, ganun din rock and roll lifestyle. Kasi kasama ko sa banda eh. Mas
nalungkot ako dun kasi bigla, kesa dun sa parents mo na alam mong may sakit. So, ayun. Pero
yun nga, nakasama mong matagal, kaibigan mo, kapatid ang turing mo. Worse kapag kapatid
mo. It’s always there, maiisip mo palagi. Damn, namatay si.. Siya lang makakasagot noon. Siya
[God] lang naman ang nagbigay, Siya lang din naman ang babawi. Thy will be done. Kayona
pong bahala sa kanila. I’m just trying to be ano, I never thought that someone would come up
and say, can we talk about it? Why not? Yung sa akin naman is, tulad nyan, okay lang. I could
help. I could help someone who is going through it or I could help someone that might be
thinking about it. Prevent it. Mahirap na kapag nangyari na.
R: Especially po kasi sa culture po natin, it’s really not easily accepted. Yun nga po like you
said, even the family members themselves minsan po talaga..
P: You know the Filipino families are closely- knitted. Kahit hindi sila naguusap, they’re still
family. Pag may nangyari, lahat apektado. Pati, extended yan, pati mga pinsan. Mga kaibigan.
So, hindi lang doon sa inyo.
R: It’s a ripple effect.
P: Oo. Yun nga. Iba sa Pilipinas, iba sa ano. Siyempre sila ay malulungkot din, pero compared sa
atin, mas ano talaga. We grow up together, tapos mawawala. What’s the deal here, man? Bakit
ganoon?
R: Especially sa inyo na panganay po kayo. Probably the same thoughts as your parents po na
mauuna ako parang ganun.
P: Oo. May responsibility ka rin sa kanila. Okay, ikaw, ikaw bata ka pa, hindi pa masyadong ano
yan. Tapos ikaw you’re strong, ikaw yung laging ano. Ikaw yung bahala sa parents mo, sa mga
kapatid mo. Kapag nalulungkot sila, patawanin mo. Payaso. Basta, alalayan mo na lang sila.
R: So, yun sir. We’re really thankful po for this chance. Because yun nga po, we know, as a
Filipino, it’s not really something easily talked about. And, actually isa po yun..
P: Oo, hindi naman pinagyayabng yun. Kasi it’s like yung record mo, may blemish, so, di ba?
Nakalitaw yun. Anong nangyari? Ayun na naman.
R: The same question.
P: Oo, ayun na naman. Bakit nangyari? Sino may kasalanan. Kaya sometimes, uy yung kapatid
mo pala. Nakwento ni ano. Okay, thanks a lot.
R: Especially it’s coming from others, hindi naman sa inyo directly nanggaling.
P: Saka ano lang, acquaintance lang, hindi mo naman talaga kaibigan o kamag- anak. Comes up
to you, office mate mo na nabalitaan. Ewan ko, hindi namin alam. Bakit? Hindi nga namin alam
eh.
R: Pareho lang tayo.
P: Pareho lang tayo. I answer them in just or, depende kung paano yung tanong. “Nang milyari?”
“Eku balu.” “Anong nangyari?” Yung approach kasi iba- iba, so iba- iba rin yung sagot mo.
Ewan, man, siguro trip niya na ano. Ewan, hindi namin alam talaga.
R: So, with that po, surely yung mga binahagi niyo po samin will be a big help in our study. Yun
nga po, we really want to focus on the ones left behind because technically sila po yung nagli-
live with the…para kasing those who left na po parang may sense of relief on their part na
parang…
P: Wala na silang problema, oo.
R: They don’t have to worry about it anymore. But those who are left behind are really those
who are facing challenges. So, with that sir, thank you po!
Transcript of interview with Gino
I-Researcher
P-Gino
I: hello, good morning po.. hello?
P: hello?
I: hello good morning po Mr. Gino?
P: aaahh.. speaking..
I: aah ako po yung partner ni Researcher yung nagmessage po sa inyo kagabi.. yung about po sa
ano. Yung interviewin po sana namin kayo.. ako nga po pala si Pin.. Pin sta. Ines po.. pin po
yung pangalan ko. Pin sta ines po.. ahmm okay lang po ba?
P: uhmm oo..
I: kamusta po sir? Usap po tayo.. hello?.. hello po?
P: hello
I: hello sir?.. naririnig nyo po ako?
P: ahh yah naririnig ko..
I: aahh sige po.. ahmm good morning po muna.. so yung thesis po kasi namin naintroduce na po
sa inyo ni jaana.. yun nga po kase gusto naming malaman yung experiences ng mga suicide
survivors or yung mga naiwan po ng mga mahal nila sa buhay.. so ngayon po nag iinterview po
kami ng mga taong naiwan. Kamag anak or kaibigan na nag suicide.. tapos kayo po talaga yung
una naming na tap kase yun nga po, dahil dun po sa case ni.. nung anak nyo po.. tas yun po… ah
sir usap po tayo sir.. okay lang po ba?
P: okay lang sige..
I: okay sige po.. aahh.. pano po ba.. so una po sir, ano po, pano po yung relationship nyo saanak
nyo sir?
P: aaahh.. ano siya… aahh.. typical father daughter.. ayon.. nagsasabi naman siya saken kapag
kailangan nya ng tulong ganon..
I: close po kayo sir?
P: aaahh.. oo close kami.. di ba kase usually pag babae ganon..
I: parang daddy’s girl po ganon?
P: oo..
I: so nung time na po yon pano nyo po nalaman na yun nga po, yung nangyari kay Jenny po?
P: (vague recording) nung yung nga nung nakapasa siya sa UP pero yun nga eh parang kulang
talaga.. during those times talagang hirap na hirap kami.. pero ano naman siya..
I: uhm.. so pano nyo po natuklasan yung balita.. I mean san nyo po..yun nga po yung..
P: ano yon e.. sa bahay yon e.. nao yon e.. march 13 kase.. nag ano siya first leave of absence
dahil nga kailangan niya nga ng I clear yung.. requirements daw yon to clear para kapag bumalik
daw siya aahh walang problema.. so ang ginawa niya is nag pass siya ng letter tapos sinurrender
nya yung kanyang ao.. yung id.. bago kase nung march 13 di na siya pumapasok ng school..
parang ano rin sa kanya.. boring yung di pumapasok ng eskwela.. aahh di na siya inallow ng
school kaya ayun.. parang aahhh stressed siya.. actually binigyan naman namin siya ng mga
encouraging words, sabi namin by next sem ipupursue namin na makapag enrol siya.. so
nangyari yun sa bahay so march 15 ng madaling araw.. yun so hindi rin namin alam.. hindi
namin alam kung ano yung nasa mind niya.. parang iniisip nalang namin is nagkaroon siya ng
humiliation.. nagkaroon siya ng depression.. so ginawa niya yon ng madaling araw..
I: so wala po talagang naka alam?
P: wala wala.. actually yung ano.. ako yung unang nakaalam.. yung nasa may pinto medyo
mabigat pinush ko siya then grab it dahan dahan yung sa upper body niya.. yun tapos tinignnan
ko yung bibig niya tapos may amoy.. tapos may nakita ako sa gilid na bottle ng silver cleaner.. di
ko naman alam na uminom siya.. aahh deadly.. so hindi ko na siya marerevive din.. yung
dadaanan talaga yung esophagus mabuburn
I: ah okay po, nasunog po..
P: aahhh… parang yun nga.. ano ahmm yun nga.. tapos dinala namin siya sa ospital di na siya
narevive..
I: so ano po yung reaction nyo nung the first time you discovered yun nga po yung nangyari?
P: actually I was in the idea na pwede namang marevive sa ospital.. so ayun nga. Tumawag kami
ng tulong.. sa barangay.. we are ano naman.. na marevive sana siya sa ospital.. ayon, parang state
of shock na din.. yung gano ka deadly yung effect ng silver cleaner.. yung time na nirerevive siya
don sa ospital kase nakikita naman namin sa emergency room.. ayon medyo naiisip namin na..
yun nga.. na hindi na siya marerevive.. yun parang ano samin na.. anong nangyari?
I: opo.. uhmm.. ano po yung naging effect nung ahh sucide niya sa life nyo after nanagyari yon?
P: masakit tlaga kase panganay siya.. ibig sabihin ahh.. na inano siya nung elementary saka high
school para mag aral.. marami siyang na accomplish.. marami siyang mga medals.. na every ano
talaga na jinojoin nya nag pupursigi siya.. so kumbaga, high hopes na makakatapos siya.. saka
may hope din na kumabag typical na ano.. makakahanap siya ng tranaho.. so ayon ang effect is
medyo ahhh kase yung sumunod kase sa kanya is kase 4 years kase yung gap nila.. so ayun
medyo talagang tragic yung nangyari..
I: ahmm.. ano po yung nagchange from back then na buhay pa po si Jenny tapos po ngayon
parang.. ayun nag iba dahil wala na siya?
P: syempre hindi natin mawawala yung ano.. yung panganay siya na anak.. and tapos ano..
anak.. tapos magulang.. tapos yung anak pa yung unang mawawala.. tapos yung ano.. yung anak
mo yung ililibing.. bale ang ano namin.. ahmm. Parang nagkaroon kami ng ano when it comes to
their adaptations.. para kasing ang nangyari.. ahm dom parang aahh yung pag aaral ni Jenny e
saka ano yung epekto non sa other siblings niya.. sinasabi namin na ano.. enjoy lang.. ganon
ahm. Wag masyadong magseryoso sa pag aaral ganon.. kumbaga yung personal life nya.. ayun
parang naging ano kami sa mga anak namin.. yung feelings nila
I: maging open po ano?
P: so.. ngayon parang nangyari naging maingat kami and medyo sensistive pag kasama sila..
tapos sa life siguro kase malki rin yung naging impact.. medyo natrigger din yung mga
damdamin namin na kase ako yung personally na nakakita. Tapos bakit ganon.. na state
university tapos nagkaroon naman ng mismatch.. parang yung hopes namin na mapagtuloy yung
pag aaral niya don syempre kase scholar siya.. expect namin na wala kaming babayaran.. ayon..
tapos siguro culture shock din si Jenny kase yung mga kasabayan niya puro mga ano.. puro mga
rich kid.. usually ang nag ooccupy na ng UP during our time yung talagang mga elite.. sabihin
nating science high school, talagang mga private schools na ano e na mga can afford..
I: opo.. totoo po yon..
P: parang ano.. ang hirap ding isipin na state university tapos ganon yung policy.. state
university yan dapat nacacater yung mga well deserved students..
I: so 4 years na po yon noh? 4 years have passed.. so you say you already moved on from it, or
yung accepted it po ganon?
P: ano kase e.. ahmm.. para ano lang kase.. paulit ulit siya na sugat na once na binabalikan mo
nananariwa.. so halimbawa pag may mga times na mga moments, special occassions.. dun ulit
umaatake yung sabihin na nating bumabalik yung ala ala na what if.. if only.. kase nga 4 years, e
syempre ibig sabihin tapos na siyang grumaduate, graduate na sana siya ngayon.. yung mga ifs..
yung mga BUTs.. syempre nagsheshed pa rin kami ng tears when we go back to that time kase
ang hirap.. kumbaga on that day until this time parang ano. Parang hindi pa rin namin maaccept
na wala na siya.. pero yun nga sabi nila.. parang minimum of 5 years pag may mga unexpected
kase yung mga recovery mo for sicknessmga 3 years daw pero yung mga ganyan matagal tagal..
kumbaga yung age din namin di naman nalalayo kay Jenny.. inaano namin na ang hirap.. ang
hirap.. saka yung naging ano din ng mga students, yung mga hinaing din parang wala ding
nangyayari.. na nagiging one of the causes ng depression.. yun nga..
I: so ngayon you’re in the process of healing pa rin po sir?
P: oo.. oo.. parang kumbaga ganon pa din parang permanent pain.. parang ano naman e.. pag
sinasabi ng tao na move on, tapos sinasabi ko nalang, kayo kaya mamatayan? Parang ano just
for you to feel the pain na when you have such a sweet girl.. ahmm promising.. tapos nawala..
parang di mo talaga maalis na ano.. na manghinayang.. siguro d ba parang ano.. it takes time..
perodefinitely it will be a permanent thing
I: ngayon nga po na nasa process po kayo ng healing, ano po yung sa tingin nyong
mga nakakatulong sa inyo parang nagpapalubag loob po, parang ganon po.. parang mas
nakakapag okay sa inyo?
P: actually ano yon e. a number of things.. yung isa is right after kase na passing ni Jenny, may
trouble siya kase we have a baby pa, kumbaga blinessed pa kami ng baby so ibig sabihin sila
yung nagreremind how wonderful God is.. yung ganon na hindi niya hinayaan na magkaroon
kami ng talagang in pain.. kumbaga sila yung nagfifill ng pagkawala ni Jenny.. then yun nga..
ahh.. kamukha niya.. so yun nga,, medyo nabawasan yung pagkamiss namin sa kanya.. may mga
times na syempre parang ano yon.. yung nag reincarnate? Parang it helps remembering her, tapos
iniintroduce namin siya sa mga kapatid niya, sinsabi namin na this is your sister.. ayon it helps a
lot.. tapos ahmm.. siguro yung ano rin.. nakakatulong rin siguro yung nakakaremember sa kanya
during sa commemoration.. ayon may mga changes din like before ma commemorate yung 4th
ano nya, march 13 kase yon tapos march 14 na approve yung free.. free ano yon yung free tuition
so ayon.. parang nag ano lang siya kumbaga parang ano ba ironic.. kase mamamatay ka tapos
after 4 years meron rin palang change.. although hindi ganap na ano meron siyang nagiging
path.. siguro at the back of the minds ng mga politicians din na nakaaano din nakacater din sa
pangyayari kay Jenny.. and ayon.. siguro somehow naging ano rin siya.. naging factor rin siya to
gain more attention ng bansa natin.. so yun nga.. parang naging symbol siya.. so yon.. medyo
parang narerelieve din kami kase may mga nakakaalala sa kanya and yung story nya is lingerin
on dun sa mga di naabutan niya, medyo nakaka aspire din.. siguro yung pagmamahal din niya
dun sa pag aaral niya, yun nga lang medyo na depressed siya and then ano naging lesson yon and
sana wag ng maulit..
I: during your lowest times po sir, where did you find comfort?
P: syempre ano naman e. it starts with the family.. relatives and yung mga classmates nya dati, it
takes a lot of people talaga para bumangon or itatap ka sa shoulders parang moving on..
I: so sir dati po before what happened to Jenny, what was your idea of suicide po? Kunwari pag
naririnig nyo yung suicide, ano po yung pumapasok sa isip nyo?
P: aaahhh.. actually ano naman yon e.. given naman yon na its depression kaya lang di ko
naman alam yung medical terms or hindi naman natin alam yung expense, or maybe yung
depression is nanahan na sa kanya.. so hindi natin alam kung gano ka deep or there are certain
things kase na may nagtritrigger sayo.. when you have to lose hope, you hold on to it.. tapos
nawala sayo.. kumbaga hindi mo alam kung ano e.. di mo alam kung pano siya ihahandle..
parang kung icocompare ko yon sa pagmamahal, pag halimbawa di ba typical naman yan..
halimbawa kapag mahal na mahal mo nawala sayo, it becomes devastating na hindi mo na alam
kung ano yung ano e.. di mo na concern kung ano mangyayari sayo.. you only feel the pain
kumbaga hindi ka maglileave ng another day na hindi mo maaayos yung feelings na ganon.. so it
all boils down sa pag nagkaroon ka ng depression, you can fix your life para parang mangyayari
is to escape pain or to escape the agony, so ibig sabihin so yun yung idea ko ng suicide.. di ko
naman alam yung sa ginagamot, to what extent na yung kailangan siyang ipatingin, gets ko
naman yung idea kaso usually halimbawa di ba yung mga depression is when you lose hope,
yung mga ano miinsan is hanging, mag drink ka ng mga liquids na yun nga, anything to release
yung nararamdaman mo
I: so after what happened to your daughter parang there was a deeper understanding po ng
phenomenon na suicide?
P: actually kase ano e.. nung sinabi rin samin yung yun mga yung suicide.. parang yun nga..
syempre may psychological assessment.. kaya lang ang problema kase yung mga parts ng
psychiatric or psychology, hindi siya nabibigyan satin ng ano e.. hindi siya nabibigyan ng
attention kase tingnan mo di ba, ang naging problema namin is yung about sa situation yung mga
ganyang bagay e you can afford parang ganon parang magpa under go yung mga ano..
I: therapy po?
P: yan yan yung mga therapy na yan.. siguro iniiisip ko rin e.. siguro maraming nasisiraan ng
bait sa atin kasi di naaano ng mabuti.. di rin naaano kumbaga hindi siya pam public
I: hindi accessible sa lahat..
P: oo.. ang nangyayari kase is diba sa iba.. hindi natin naiintindihan.. knowing na kailangan
nating maintindihan yung medicalhealth dapat.. tapos may mga ibinibigay talaga na ano e. na
iincorporate rin naman yon ngayon lets say yung sa govenment yung mga ejk na parang teka
alamin nyo muna yung totoong nangyari, pano mo iaano yan kung sinabi mo na adik agad sila
ganyan, wala ng solution.. theres more to it.. yun din yung ganda ng kurso ng behavioral science
yung psychology e inaano mo yung behavior ng tao kung bakit nya kinomit .. kase you have to
dig deeper para malaman mo kung ano yung solution and then yun nga hindi siya nabibigyan ng
enough na attention.. its just parang napaka helpful at napag aaralang mabuti na hindi yung
parang ginawa mo lang kase wala lang, trip lang.. yun lang yung isang deep understanding ko..
sa lahat ng mga pangyayari merong pinagdaanan yung tao, kapag may naexperience yung tao na
nagrereflect kung bakit niya ginagawa yung mga bagay..
I: opo totoo po yan.. malayo pa po ang mararating ng mental health awareness lalo na po ngayon
na majority na po ng mga Filipinos e talagang wala po talagang idea about psychological health..
yun nga po sana yung mangyari..
P: kase parang ang ano is sira lang yung ulo nito..
I: hindi naman po nila naintindihan
P: parang kumbaga kapag hindi mo pinag ukulan ng pansin, wala talagang mangyayari.. sa
tingin ko pag pinagtuunan na yon ng pansin mareresolve yung problema, halimbawa sa physical
aspectyung sa mind set pero yung nainano mosa mga communities maraming mareresoba e baka
mag ano yung sa poverty, baka gumanda yung education.. and dami niyang mareresolva yun
yung pinaka di nabibigyan ng halaga e yun pala yung pinaka importante.. yun actually yung root
cause e, hindi naman actually yung poverty or anything ..
I: sana nga po e yun po ang ma develop sa ating bansa, ang mental health awareness,
psychological awareness
P: parang kase e ano nga.. yung sinasabi ko sayo, pag sa ibang tao kapag ganito na yung pinag
uusapan mahirap ng ano.. di na interesting
I: di po nila binibigyan ng effort pakinggan
P: oo ibig sabihin kung ano yung importante hindi nabibigyan ng impotansya so ano ieexpect
mo? Chaos na rin yon pagdating sa ibang bagay kase yun nga, maliliit palang na problema dapat
inaattend na para di na lumala pa, and without knowing hindi na pala yon yung pinagfofocusan
ng mga solution na kahit ano yung effort mo, it wont work kase hindi naman talaga yun yung
cause non..
I; sana po e masulong na po yan.. sir last question na po siguro to.. what would be your advice to
people who have relatives or friends or anyone close to them who committed suicide yung
napagdaanan po ngayon yung napgdaanan nyo po noon after mawala si Jenny?
P: imemessage ko yung mga survivors? Kase as I learned.. kailangan rin talaga ng mga coaches..
ahmm hinahanapan ko rin talaga ng paraan.. katulad non na sinabi samin na we have to pay
certain fee para sa mga sessions na iaattend namin siguro ano.. meron naman sigurong mga home
made remedies kaso kailangan lang nung understanding.. siguro yun nga yung acceptance sa
mga nagyari.. marami kasing ano e.. marami kasing factor e.. so you cope up.. syempre di naman
pwede na magmumukmok ka nalang so you have to move on.. yun nga.. its a process na hindi
mo mamadaliin na kahit na abutin siya ng ilang taon.. its a process of healing.. no matter how
long it takes.. pero kailngan mo talaga ng ano e.. ng acceptance.. tapos siguro aahh faith.. ayon,
believe.. yon, religion.. so talaga kapag wala kang kakapitan mahirap so yun nga yung sa family
tulong lang kayo to move forward.. pero yun nga kahit may permanent pain somehow para sa
mga iba na umaasa pa sayo.. so ayon.. learn from your mistake atleast yung madevelop mo
yung ways para kase minsan nangyayari yon hanggat di mo naeexperience.. there are ways talaga
minsan kapag medyo tragic talaga medyo nakakadismaya and then hindi mo nagawan ng paraan
hindi mo nagawan ng solution.. aaahh hand in hand naman yon.. so ayon, moral support yung
mga encouragements para malagpasan yung tragic things na nangyari.. learn to accept din.. yung
yung pinagpepray din e.. yung makayanan saka matanggap and then yung belief ko din na
merong plano and Diyos.. siguro maaacept natin na merong reason yon kase lahat ng bagay may
reason..
I: so sir, that sums up our interview.. yun po.. thank you po sa participation nyo, malaking tulong
po, saka po sir we hope po na someday mameet po namin kayo in person, kami po ng thesis
partner ko, para makapag thank you rin po..
P: ayon aahh.. goodluck and keep it up
I: saka po sir pag ano po pag andyan na po yung results, will relay it to you.. fb nalang po or
itetext nalang po namin kayo..
P: ano aahh regards nalang kay Researcher 1..
I: oh sige po sir.. thank you po.. sige po. Bye..

Albano Sta Ines - Final Thesis

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Albano Sta Ines - Final Thesis

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EXPERIENCES OF FILIPINO SUICIDE SURVIVORS i

University of the Philippines

A PHENOMENOLOGICAL STUDYON THE EXPERIENCES OF SUICIDE

Jaana Lei Domingo Albano

Specifically, I grant the following rights to the University:

a) To upload a copy of the work in the theses database of the

college/school/institute/department and in any other databases available on the public

b) To publish the thesis in the college/school/institute/department journal, both in print and

electronic or digital format and online; and

Jaana Lei Domingo Albano

Crispin Lauro Gregorio Sta. Ines

Jaana Lei Domingo Albano

Crispin Lauro Gregorio Sta. Ines

UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES DILIMAN

This thesis entitled “A Phenomenological Study on the Experiences of Suicide Survivors in

Bachelor of Arts in Applied Psychology.

Prof. Bryan Q. Engay

Prof. Rosanne Galvez-Echivarre Prof. Philip Manuelson Arandia

Prof. Eden Hulipas-Terol Prof. Cristabel Fagela-Tiangco

effects of the suicide of loved ones to Filipino suicide survivors.

LIST OF TABLES ....................................................................................................................... viii

LIST OF FIGURES ....................................................................................................................... ix

CHAPTER I - INTRODUCTION .................................................................................................. 1

Background of the Study .................................................................................................... 1

Objectives of the Study ....................................................................................................... 6

Statement of the Problem .................................................................................................... 6

Scope and Delimitations ..................................................................................................... 8

Operational Definition of Terms ......................................................................................... 9

CHAPTER 2 – REVIEW OF RELATED LITERATURE ........................................................... 11

Concept Map ..................................................................................................................... 25

CHAPTER 3 - METHODOLOGY ............................................................................................... 26

Ethical Considerations ...................................................................................................... 28

Descriptive Statistics ......................................................................................................... 30

Thematic Content Analysis ............................................................................................... 32

CHAPTER 5 - DISCUSSION ...................................................................................................... 63

Challenges Experienced by Suicide Survivors as a Result of the Suicide of Their Loved

How Suicide Survivors Cope with Their Experience ....................................................... 72

Effects of the Suicide among the Suicide Survivors ......................................................... 79

Culturally- relative Ways of Coping of Filipinos ............................................................. 83

Factors That Affect Stigma Consciousness of Filipino Suicide Survivors ....................... 86

CHAPTER 6 – CONCLUSIONS AND RECOMMENDATIONS .............................................. 89

APPENDICES ............................................................................................................................ 101

Appendix A: Informed Consent Form ............................................................................ 102

Appendix B: Interview Transcripts ................................................................................. 103

Table 1.Frequency Distribution of Participants Based on Age (N=10)……………………… 29

Table 2.Frequency Distribution of Participants Based on Religion (N=10)…………………. 30

Table 3.Frequency Distribution of Participants Based on Employment (N=10)…………….. 30

Elapsedfrom the Time of the Suicide of Their Loved Ones

Table 6.Challenges Experienced by Suicide Survivors as a Result of the Suicide of……….. 37

Their Loved Ones

Table 7.How Suicide Survivors Cope with Their Experience………………………………. 42

Table 9.Effects of the Suicide among the Suicide Survivors...……………….……………... 52

Table 10.Culturally- relative Ways of Coping of Filipinos…………………….………….... 59

Table 11: Filipino Psychology Concepts That Affect Filipino Suicide……………….……... 85

Survivors’ Stigma Consciousness

Figure 1. Conceptual diagram of the study………………………………………………….. 24

you and for the whole mental health community.

Background of the Study

Doctors believed that suicide should be classified as an “insane behavior”.

responsibility and belongingness—as seppuku was considered an extreme dedication to one’s

natural causes or unfortunate accidents/incidents. Factors such as the traumatic aftermath

harder on the survivors.