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The Lighter Side of Fasting and Tithing

By Patricia Backora

All the days of the afflicted are evil: but he that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast (Prov.15:15). If I stop eating when Im dead and pushing up tulips, does that count as a fast? Even if Im too weak to eat in the grave, can I have juice? Fasting allegedly gives you miracle power. Next time you need a mountain moved, call a modeling agency to have them send over one of their gals to do the job. Some preachers are so far gone they think personal sin doesnt matter as long as they skip lunch the next day to show God how sorry they are till the next pretty dish comes along to tempt them. Why dont we see more blogs on whether we should throw dirt on our heads, or wear sackcloth and ashes? The ancient Jews did these religious practices too. If I swallow my own spit does that break my total fast? Even if you get a bigger reward for starving yourself three whole days, if I torture myself by skipping dessert, does that buy an itty-bitty blessing from God? If I suck on a lozenge to relieve a sore throat, have I broken my fast and lost the blessing credit accumulated by fasting two whole days? Depends on whether the lozenge is sweetened with sugar or Nutra Sweet! If I fast just until the evening meal and then break my fast with three Burger King Whoppers, do I still get credit for starving myself all day?

Does a piece of Ex-lax break your fast, just because it tastes like food? If I accidentally drink a regular Coke instead of a Diet Coke, have I lost all the fasting points Ive racked up on Gods tote board? Is an Orange Popsicle okay on my drink fast if I melt it first, or can I just let it melt in my mouth instead of grinding it with my teeth? Why are drunk calories more spiritual than chewed ones? Why did God give us teeth if chewing is such a sin? Why didnt He just give us a gas tank like a car, so we could just go guzzle our dinner at Exxon? Dont dig your spiritual grave with your own teeth. Lay down your fork and pick up your straw to help you pick up your cross of legalism. If I accidentally swallow a drop of mouthwash, have I broken my fast? What if I get a cold and take a good swig of Ny-Quil? If my Jello doesnt solidify in the fridge, can I use it for juice during my fast? If I only inhale while everybody else eats at the steak house, have I broken my fast? What if I IMAGINE Im chewing on that juicy T-Bone as I guzzle a glass of water and feel sorry for myself? After all, theres the spirit of the law to consider, not just the letter of the law. If I doze on the couch till fast day ends at sunset, and miss all the misery, does it count as much as someone else whos digging ditches while they fast? Does a chewable Vitamin C break your fast? What if I taste my dogs Milk Bone Biscuit before giving it to him? Just because its not people food, should I think I havent broken my fast? Can I have a slice of lemon in my water? What if I forget and EAT the lemon!

What if you chew your nails and accidentally swallow a bit? Does that bit of protein render your fast invalid? If you accidentally nibble a whole jelly bean, will God say the other 48 hours dont count and you have to start the misery all over again? If Aunt Susie is four hours late getting the Thanksgiving dinner on the table, does that count as a fast if you hold a Bible study during the time spent waiting instead of watching TV? If its snowing when you fast, is it okay to eat some cold, refreshing snow, so long as you dont mix sugar and vanilla into it to make snow cream? Technically speaking, does snow ingestion count as eating? It does melt to water in your mouth. Or, would you have to melt the snow first so it counts as a drink? Is it okay to eat a couple crackers so long as you run around the block a hundred times to burn off the calories? Do imaginary meals eaten with your non-fasting family break your fast? If you dream of Ben and Jerrys while youre dozing at the altar, does that break your fast? If restricting food intake makes you holier, then why did Jesus come eating and drinking while His cousin John the Baptist ate bugs (Matt.3:4;11:19;Mark 1:6; Luke 7:33-34)? Why did John tell Jesus that Jesus ought to baptize him instead of the other way around (Matt.3:14)? If frequent fasting gives you power over satan, why did Jesus, Who fasted only once in Scripture, cast out more devils than John the Baptist, who fasted all the time? If fasting is binding on Christians why isnt it included in the Christians to do list in I Thes.5:16-22? Did it slip Pauls mind? Rom.13:8: Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. 9 For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 10 Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. Here Paul writes that God demands nothing further from us unless it has something to do with loving our neighbor. Unless theres not enough food to go around and youre feeding your neighbor with your own meal, what does starving yourself have to do with loving your neighbor? Instead of benefiting your neighbor, self-starvation may make you grouchier and harder to live with. If you believe you receive power to pray effectively for others by receiving the Holy Ghost (Jesus own promise in Acts 1:8), why should you seek power in fasting, a doctrine NEVER taught by any New Testament apostle? Theres a fast to get intimate with the Bridegroom doctrine going around. HOGWASH! Who starves on their own honeymoon, unless theyre too broke to buy refreshments? In Jesus day, weddings were celebrated with seven days of

non-stop eating and dancing, and even the sour-faced Pharisees stopped their fasting to crash the party. Modern wedding receptions at least provide peanuts and cake. Jesus said Hes with us all the time (Matt.28:20), so how does punishing your body make Him love you anymore than He already does? Why does your blood sugar have to nosedive before you can spiritually soar up into the heavenly places? The Bible says were ALREADY seated with Christ in Heavenly Places (Eph.2:6). Did the apostles ever teach this heathen doctrine of weakening our bodies so we could liberate our spirit to go do its own thing? Or, could this idea come from OTHER sources? Has some sneaky snake snuck through cracks in the church? Satan is a spy in a pious disguise who binds your mind with legalistic lies. He goes to church more than you or I. Like a diamond counterfeiter, he cant spiritually tempt you unless it looks real. Preachers tell you to at least fast till sunset. So what if you live up in Alaska where the sun doesnt set in summer for months on end? Does God expect you to kill yourself? What if you sleep till noon and the sun sets by five? Do you get a smaller reward than the lady who got up at six a.m and fasted till six p.m.? Does she get time and a half for that hour of overtime, while you get a pay cut for being late to work? They call fasting a WORK (job) you do to please God, and many Christians say Hes our Boss instead of our loving Heavenly Father. Even a burger flipper gets a 30-minute lunch break during his work shift. How many chicken nuggets could you cram in before break time is over and youre back on the job of starving yourself? If your mouths big enough, you scarf down a whole Whopper even if all you got was a ten-minute break! How do you fast if part of your job is to take a business client out to lunch? Where would you take that client? To the Breatharian Bistro? In case youve never heard of them, the Breatharians try never to eat, they live only on pure, fresh mountain air. If you use a flavor spray on your tongue like diet guru Richard Simmons, does that violate your sacred fast? Lunch menu at the ladies fasting seminar: Air-derves, /cyber salad/ Ghost beef with vapor taters/ fantasy fudge cake/ clear coffee and a toothpick. $10.50 a head. Eating is sinful and self-indulgent, but drinking is not, even if you derive pleasure from a tasty drink. If you sip a liquefied Brownie Cheesecake Sundae through a straw it doesnt ruin your soul, just your figure. Why do Christians fast to combat the sin of mastication (chewing)? Because Adams sin was this: He sinned in the Garden of EATIN, not the Garden of Drinkin. Many ascetic Christians believe that Adams sin was he FEASTED instead of FASTED. But what did God actually order Adam to do? God told Adam that he was welcome to EAT (not fast from) ALL the trees of the Garden except one which was off-limits (Gen.2:16). If Big Macs and pepperoni pizzas had existed back then Adam could have eaten all he wanted. God did not tell Adam to fast from any other tree except that forbidden one in the midst of the Garden. Adam did not have to go hungry to earn Gods approval. Adam was not commanded to starve his body to prove his souls hunger for Jesus, as is taught today. Christians who fast are relieved when the preacher gives them permission to have juice. Drinking something doesnt carry the same stigma with legalists as eating

something. Adam ate the Forbidden FRUIT, he didnt drink the forbidden juice. If your pastor walks into KFC and he catches you chewing up a bucket of chicken without any help, youre the chief of sinners. But if you daintily sip something from a Big Gulp cup he assumes its only Diet Coke and thats all right with God because its such a hot day outside, and youd faint by the wayside if you attempted a waterless fast. Its easier to hide those sinful chocolate milk shake calories if theyre ingested through a straw from a big bucket with a plastic lid on it. Why would Adam had been in the clear if satan had first sold Eve a Vegematic Juicer to get around the catch-22 of not actually EATING the fruit? If Adam had been a simpleton he might have told God: Well, duh I didnt disobey You. You said not to EAT from that tree, You said nothing about me DRINKING from it. He still would have been kicked out of the Garden for his violation of the spirit of the Law. Adams sin was not non-fasting, as many teach. It was disobedience to Gods command not to partake of that one tree. If Christians have to fast like Old Testament Jews, why arent they also supposed to do other things fasting Jews did: rip their suit & tie and throw dirt on their heads? The church janitor would get ticked off if everyone dumped dirt on their heads (and the brand new carpet). Worse yet, all the males snoozing in church would jump the pews if some woman LITERALLY applied the admonition to tear your garments and tore open her blouse! Why are the corn, wine and oil spiritualized in the Book of Joel while fasting is carried over to the New Covenant as a physical duty? Corn represents Christ the Bread of Life, while wine and oil represent the Holy Spirit, Who spiritually refreshes His people and anoints their lives with power. We receive the blessed Holy Spirit and His unction because of Christs sacrifice on our behalf, not because we torture our bodies to punish them for sin. Why cant fasting, like all other Old Testament practices, be considered spiritual only today? It does a Christian far more good to fast from sin than a jelly doughnut! Some Christians fast so much theyre skinny as a snake, and theyre mean as a snake from hunger! The Pharisees of Jesus day invented hundreds of donts to help Gods people keep the laws of Moses better. When you fast twice a week you put yourself under a LAW that says never again will you eat on Monday or Thursday, and if you dont keep that law youre letting God down and bringing possible penalties on yourself. It takes only one slender chain to get us out of the Grace of God and tie us back to the Law. And it creates so many Catch-22 legalisms. In midsummer, daylight hours last till about 10 p.m. in Northern Europe. In midwinter, daylight ends around 4:30. So if you fast till sundown in winter, does the Lord put you on part-time wages, or do you get a pay bonus in the summer? Are American fasters less spiritual because their summer sun sets sooner? What about the extra hour in daylight savings time? Do I earn more blessing for having to set my clock back to starve an extra hour? If you set your watch forward a few hours and time your fast by that, is that cheating? What if youre fasting on a day you have to fly? If the sun is setting in England but its only one p.m. in America when you arrive, do you have to fast five extra hours, or can you go by English time? Just suppose youre strong enough to say no to that free airplane meal, but the flesh is getting weak. What if the stewardess is out of crackers? Do pretzels put you in the doghouse with God?

What if the pastor flies from America To Europe during the Big Church Fast, which is due to end at 6 p.m. tonight? Think of it. A whole six-hour time difference. Does that mean he gets to break his fast six hours before anyone else just because hes living six hours in the future on the other side of the planet? Theres built-in inequality in the sacrifice of a church fast. What if the pastor weighs 400 pounds and this poor widow only weighs 98 pounds? Does the bony woman who sacrifices five pounds of lean muscle get more blessing from God than the pastor who fasts five pounds of fat? What if the sky gets dark early because of a solar eclipse or bad weather? Does that count as sundown, or do you have to go by when the sun set yesterday? What if you get so hungry you nibble ice out of the freezer? Does that break your fast, even if it doesnt break your teeth? If I accidentally swallow my sugarless gum, does that break my fast? Can I put stale bread out for the sweetly singing songbirds, or do they have to afflict their souls too? My goldfish never stop swimming and eating. Are they going to hell for gluttony? Mosquitoes are the wickedest critters on Planet Earth. Why arent they ever required to fast to show penitence for sin? Now that would be a blessing! Do I have to coop up my cat so he cant catch mice during my fast? Is it okay to smoke or dip snuff during a fast? After all, nothing goes down my swallow pipe. If my stomach aches from my fast and I chew a Tums, is that eating? If you chew on your pencil, have you broken your fast? If I fall asleep on the couch and a bug flies into my snoring mouth, have I broken my fast?

If I stare through the bakery window and lust after that chocolate clair, have I broken my fast in my heart?

Fasting teachers say we have to fast because Adam ate the forbidden fruit. According to their logic, Christs sacrifice on Calvary wasnt enough so we need to redeem ourselves and pass a similar test because our first parents let God down in the Garden of Eden. Thats the same as doing a makeup test for your mom and dad if they flunked Algebra 30 years ago. So youre doing a replay of Adam and Eve and are gonna pass the test this time around, come hell or high

water. If it was hard for Adam and Eve to resist diet food, an apple, how much more of a temptation are those fudge brownies were about to put away in the freezer till after the fast. Theyre crying out: Dont freeze me, EAT me! Once we nibble a crumb or two, we throw in the towel and say, That stupid fasts all shot to hell anyway, and Im in the doghouse with God anyway, so I might as well flunk fasting in style. That chocolate devil only whets your appetite for other forbidden fruit: a strawberry cheesecake. Oh, I get it! Adam and Eves forbidden tree was a Hotpoint Refrigerator! What if youre on a DRINK FAST and pulverize a whole chicken in the blender, reducing it to thin soup? Does that count as a drink if you sip it through a straw? Can soup count a drink if its thin enough? How thin does soup have to be before its fine for fasting? Does liquid suitable for a Drink Fast have to be thin enough to pass through the eye of a needle, or just through a straw? What if you take a thick chocolate shake and nuke it till its all runny, then beat it till its thin as water? Will that be okay for your drink fast?

If youre a growing teenager and cant survive without food longer than an hour, is it okay to fast forty minutes instead of forty days? Is a forty-minute fast too small a sacrifice if youre supersized and over the hill? If its a one-day fast do you have to starve yourself overnight till your next breakfast rolls around, or can you raid the fridge at midnight and eat 6,000 calories to make up for the 2,000 calories you didnt eat during daylight hours? What if you lay on the couch and keep checking the time till your religious torture is finally over? Does it chalk up any points with God, or does He fire you for being a lazy clock-watcher who goofs off on the job? What if your brain vegetates from carb deprivation and you cant compose a decent prayer to God anymore? What if youre praying for one specific thing and youve set aside three whole days to ask God for the same thing, over and over and over and over again? Does God need a hearing aid, or are you just trying to

wear him down so Hell get tired of you asking and give you what you want? Does God worry that youll starve yourself to death if He doesnt grant your request? Making vain repetitions is a heathen technique (Matt.6:7). When we were teenagers my brother played Honda by the Beach Boys about five hundred times to pressure my dad into getting him one. He ended up with a Mo-ped. Do you seriously think God enjoys it when you grumble about being hungry and all you can think about is when will this slow fast ever end so Ill actually have the energy to pray for other peoples needs besides my own? If you get the stomach flu and cant eat for three days, will God credit that to your suffering account and let you fast from the next church fast? What if you work in a restaurant and the boss wants you to taste the chili? Will you go to hell just for doing your job? Will your co-worker call you a crazy religious fanatic if you tell them the REAL reason you dont want to sample the bosss lousy cooking? Preachers preach grace, Gods unmerited favor, then in the next breath they preach: The greater the sacrifice, the greater the blessing. Jesus did a tremendously hard thing, fasting 40 days in the Wilderness, sustained only by the Word of God. But Moses did an immediate replay of his own 40-day fast after he got ticked off at the Israelites, smashed up the Tables of the Law, and went back up the mountain to get more commandments from God. Most likely Jesus drank water during His own fast. But Moses didnt even drink water. Since Moses suffered through a longer, harsher fast, did he accumulate more Brownie points from fasting than Jesus? On a very serious note, what about diabetics and hypoglycemic Christians? Do they get less blessing from God because they cant afflict their bodies in fasting? What about a poor family whos had to eat plenty of beans to pay tithe money for the new piano so there can be sweet music in church? Arent they fasting from food QUALITY? How much do-without-ting do you have to do to prove your faith to the preacher? The self-righteous Pharisee fasted twice a week, and my righteousness has to exceed his. Does that mean I have to eat air half the week to beat him to heaven? Do I get time off for good behavior? If all a preacher does during a fast is pray and the pew Christians have to go slave at some chicken pluckin plant while starving their bodies, does God pay them more then the preacher for the extra suffering they do? If your mother-in-laws a horrible cook and you have to choke down her creamed liver hash in order to avoid hurting her feelings, isnt that a far worse affliction than fasting? The Bible commands you not to prevent a farm animal from feeding on the food it helps produce (Deut.25:4; I Cor.9:9; I Tim.5:18). Twice Paul repeats this Old Testament commandment and says the laborer deserves his reward.. Why, then, shouldnt a fasting woman be allowed to eat some of the lasagna and brownies she prepares for her family? Does she get water and a toothpick for her reward? Is it fair that she has to work her socks off in the kitchen and then starve while she watches her family eat? Paul NEVER teaches New Testament fasting.

The greater the sacrifice the greater the blessing. That means more always means better. Does this mean that if you never take another bite of food, youll be a spiritual powerhouse on your way to heaven? All I know is, frequent fasters fly home faster. If the pastor fasts faster than you, do you finish the church fast last? You get paid so much per hour at your job. You may have to work a thousand hours to earn a new Lexus Sports Coupe. But working three minutes barely gets you a can of Coke. How big of a blessing do you earn by fasting three minutes, or three days? Whats Gods pay scale for fasting? Dont scoff at this notion. Jesus said that he who works earns a paycheck (John 4:36). Grace, on the other hand, is Gods unearned favor. Paul said in Romans 4:4-5 that if youre trying to get God in debt to you by doing works, you arent operating in the realm of grace. Very few do unpleasant jobs for nothing. They do it to earn a reward. Mixing fasting with grace is like making your fiance scrub the kitchen floor to earn her own engagement ring. What a romance-killer! Legalists get us so focused on using that old scouring pad of suffering on ourselves to purge our lives of sin that they turn our sweet romance with Jesus into a janitorial job. A little spiritual food for thought: I Cor. 8:8: But meat (food) commendeth (approves) us not to God: for neither, if we eat, are we the better; neither, if we eat not, are we the worse. Colossians 2:20: Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments (elementary principles) of the world, why, as though living in the world, are ye subject to ordinances, 21 (Touch not; taste not; handle not; 22 Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men? I Tim.4:1: Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; 2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron; 3 Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats (foods), which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. Rom.14:17: For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost. 18 For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.* * * * *No mention of fasting to make us acceptable to God. What more could you possibly want then being acceptable to God in Christ? These verses should be enough to prove fasting from food doesnt turn you into a spiritual giant.

Now lets Tackle Tithing and Guilt Giving: Next time your preacher begs for tithes, bring him veggies out of your garden, or a side of beef if youre a rancher. If he protests, point him to this scripture:

Lev.27:30-34: And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the fruit of the tree, is the LORD'S: it is holy unto the LORD. 31 And if a man will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto the fifth part thereof. 32 And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the LORD. In Matt. 23: 23 Jesus allows the evil Pharisees to pay tithes on the mint leaves of their garden. I dont think He was talking about the fruit of the Federal Mint! The Pharisees of Jesus day felt good about themselves because they paid tithes on everything they owned (Luke 18:12). This opens up a Pandoras Box of brand new legalism for believers who believe they must follow his example in giving. Next time I unwrap a Hershey Bar, do I have to find the nearest preacher and give him one-tenth of it? Say theres some old country church where tithing is preached. And theres a dirt farmer in the congregation who swaps some work for a ton of horse manure. Would the preacher take ten per cent of that? Preachers holler and scream about how we have to exceed the righteousness of the Pharisees to squeeze into the Kingdom of God. The Pharisee who boasted he was better than the sinful tax collector bragged to God how he tithed on EVERYTHING he owned, not just farm produce. This extra sacrifice was NOT commanded in the Law, it was just the Pharisee playing god by expanding on what God actually commanded. Not only that, the Pharisee fasted two times a week, while the Law of Moses required fasting only once a year, on the Day of Atonement. Well, if we have to exceed the righteousness of the Pharisees, this raises some sticky questions: Since the Pharisee tithed on EVERYTHING he owned, not just food, does the preacher get one-tenth of my Elvis collection? The proud Pharisee tithed on everything he owned (Luke 18:12). So if John Q. Pew-Warmer has zilch in his pocket, can he tithe on his sock collection and his Red Man Snuff? What about the poor old lady who cuts corners in order to tithe her welfare check? Should she keep the Pharisees New and Improved version of Gods tithing law and bring the preacher ten per cent of the cat food she eats? Should she bring the preacher ten per cent of her Food Stamps? Should she tithe on her grocery coupons? Will the preacher condemn her to hell if some of them are expired? How about ten per cent of her prescription pills? I could tithe on some of my shoes, but that big preacher would have to cut the toes out to wear my size! If I buy a ten-pack of hot dogs should I bring one wiener and put it in the offering plate? Do I count my M&Ms and bring the preacher one-tenth of them?

Next time I buy a 12-pack of Coke, I guess he gets exactly 1-2/5 cans. Oh, heck, just make it an even 2 and call that your offering added to the tithe. The preachers wife is too conservative to want a tithe of my wardrobe, but if youre gonna be legalistic about it, theres always the Salvation Army Next time someone brings over a floral bouquet, should I yank out a couple of chrysanthemums for the preacher? If theres a hunk of corn bread left on the stove, should it go to the preacher or out to the birds? Should the preacher get that batch of cookies that burnt on the bottom? When I order a pizza, do I set aside one wedge for the preacher? What if he hates pepperoni? If were supposed to relate to each other on equal terms as brethren (Matt.23:8) then why does the tithe-collecting preacher turn into a fire-breathing dragon if you dont pay him tribute out of your paycheck each week? The world equality is a four-letter word to conservative preachers who believe in sink or swim economics. They persuade poor Christians that rich preachers got that way by tithing out of their poverty to other rich preachers. But Paul believed in equality of well-being (2 Cor.8:13-15). If you get thrown out of your fleabag apartment because you shelled out your hard-earned peanuts to some stuffed elephant preacher who cant decide which of his mansions to live in this week, theres something mighty UN-equal going on. One preacher brags about how God blessed him for donating one of his airplanes to a fellow preacher. But you just try to pry a blessing out of that same preacher if your car broke down and you cant get to work. You wont even get a brokendown skateboard out of him. Youre just a nobody! Giving to non-preachers doesnt count as giving to God. Rich preachers appeal to Paul to justify their greed. I dont get it. They misquote some hungry, raggedy theologian who possessed all things but had no certain dwellingplace. Why? So they can possess all things by taking charity from other poverty-stricken Christians in danger of being homeless. Truth is stranger than fiction. This same Paul said, Bless, and curse not (Rom.12:14). But what do we see but Cashflow Holler cursing for dollars from his pulpit. You dont dare go into this megalomaniacs church without promising him ten per cent of the wages earned by the sweat of your brow. What if a homeless person works for food and forgot to tithe on it? Will Cashflow command the poor guy to barf up ten per cent of the stale crackers he ate into the offering bag? Can you imagine Cashflow with a stomach pump pumping food out of the poor homeless guy and hollering, The wealth of the wicked is mine! Why doesnt this giving thing work both ways, if Jesus taught were all equal? Instead of praying gods curses down on poverty-stricken people, why doesnt Cashflow give other people anything but hot air? Why wont he invite evicted Christians to come live with him in his ritzy mansion? Isnt housing the homeless

part of Isaiah 58:7? Funny how conservative prosperity preachers import tithing from the Old Testament but spiritualize away the old liberal laws they hate. What if Cashflow got lost in a time warp and ended up in the Book of Acts where Christians shared all their possessions and never claimed exclusive ownership of anything? Cashflow would cry COMMUNIST! Imagine how hed cry if Peter auctioned off his Rolex to feed a few hungry Christians. ******** A preacher went to church to prey He wanted more tithes in the offering plate He screamed out a curse To get in your purse And threatened all his slaves. Non-tithers make me sick A preachers got the right to be rich Its your job to work To pay for my church So open those wallets real quick. I see non-tithers out there The lady with the red hair If you dont cough up Your life will get rough If I were you Id be scared. ******** If Preach screams at you to bring your firstfruits into the House of God, next time thou makest a batch of biscuits, save him a wad of thy raw dough in keeping with Numbers 15:21. He might whack you over the noggin with a Sunday School Quarterly and complain youre dough isnt green enough for the House of the Lord. It just didnt get moldy enough, I guess. Next time your preacher says Dont eat the tithe buy yourself a six-pack of Bud and read him this verse: Deut.14:26: And thou shalt bestow (spend) that money (from the sale of hard-totransport farm produce) for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household NEVER in all my long life have I ever heard any preacher preach on or even mention that particular passage which tells the worshipper to eat their own tithe. Notice, you dont buy what the preacher lusts after (a Cadillac full of caviar) but the kind of party refreshments YOU like to eat (or drink). ****** Why dont preachers tell children to tithe on their Gummi Bears? Thats just as scriptural as tithing on paychecks! Imagine Preachers horror if he found a Snickers Bar in the offering plate after he hollered about keeping food in Gods House.

Next time the preacher pounds the pulpit and rebukes poor people for buying food and medicine instead of proving God with a fat tithe check for new pews, ask him if the thinks Jesus lied when He said Hed rather have mercy than sacrifice (Matt.12:7). Ask him why Christ, Who was a topnotch Carpenter, didnt build better pews for His open-air meetings. Or why He didnt dun poor folks for money to build a crystal colosseum so they could stay in out of the rain. Next time you get ready to donate your yard sale leftovers to some charity, bring em to church instead. The zealous Pharisee tithed on ALL he possessed, not just on his money. Maybe, just maybe, the preacher will fit into those bib overalls you outgrew. Theres always your scratched-up Elvis records Many Christians are so bound by tithing, theyre going into foreclosure and losing their homes so they can afford to tithe. Ask that preacher why its okay to gobble up widows houses when Jesus disapproved of the practice back in His day (Matt.23:14). Ask him why he believes the ten per cent figure of the Tithing Law is still binding on Gods people, but he doesnt pay ten per cent of the tithes he himself receives to others like the real Levites did (Neh.10:38). Ask him why he wont give tithers a break every seventh year like they had in ancient Israel, when the land was to be left uncultivated and no tithes could be taken from it (Lev.25:4). It stands to reason that if tithes came from working the land, and youre working at KFC, then ten KFC is the land youre working and chicken is the product of that place. So per cent of all the chicken that place churns out should be packed up and hauled off to the hungry preacher. If tithing is still for today, why would conservative preachers get mad if todays factory workers took off work every seventh year like ancient Israelite farmers (the ONLY people who ever owed tithes in the Bible!) Why do preachers hang onto the ten per cent tithe for spiritual Levites but insist the Third Year Poor Tithe is done away? Ask him if God has changed His conditions for getting the blessing in the following passage: Deut.26: 12: When thou hast made an end of tithing all the tithes of thine increase (agricultural harvest) the third year, which is the year of tithing, and hast given it unto the Levite, the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, that they may eat within thy gates, and be filled; 13 Then thou shalt say before the LORD thy God, I have brought away the hallowed things out of mine house, and also have given them unto the Levite, and unto the stranger, to the fatherless, and to the widow, according to all thy commandments which thou hast commanded me: I have not transgressed thy commandments, neither have I forgotten them: 14 I have not eaten thereof in my mourning, neither have I taken away ought thereof for any unclean use, nor given ought thereof for the dead: but I have hearkened to the voice of the LORD my God, and have done according to all that thou hast commanded me. 15 Look down from thy holy habitation, from heaven, and bless thy people Israel, and the land which thou hast given us, as thou swarest unto our fathers, a land that floweth with milk and honey. ******

If preachers are spiritual Levites, then why is tithing always literal, not spiritual? Cause you cant buy many Mercedes with immaterial money! If preachers are spiritual Levites, do ordinary Christians outrank them, since Peter says all believers are New Covenant priests (I Pet.2:5,9)? The Bible teaches that the Levites served the priests, not the other way around (Num.1:6-9). The Levites performed menial work for the Tabernacle while the priests ministered at the altar. The Levites paid tithes to the priests (Neh.10:38). The priests did not tithe to the Levites. ALL Gods children are priests. So pay up, preacher! Next time the preacher asks for first fruits offerings, bring him a basket of apples off your tree. If he gripes about it, read him Deut.26:1-11 and ask if the Israelite farmer in this passage brought the priest paper lettuce with American presidents on it. Remind him of all the times the preacher preached that God never changes and Hes always the same (Malachi 3:6). Spiritual money laundering doesnt work. To God, filthy lucre is no cleaner than it was in Jesus day. Ask the preacher why he pigs out on pork barbecue if its against Old Testament Law (Lev.11:7; Deut.14:8). If he says that laws done away, ask him why, when it comes to tithing, he seems to think If it pays it aint done away. Funny how modern preachers spiritualize away Gods promise of healing for the body, Gods spiritual gifts, Bible prophecy, etc., while keeping the moneymakers literal. Theyll correctly point out that circumcision is now to be spiritual only, an inner matter of the heartuntil they get to that part of the service where Preacher gives your paycheck the chop to supersize his luxurious lifestyle. The old rites of the Jewish Temple now have spiritual significance only. But when you get to tithing, thats still to be literally obeyedwell, yes and no. No longer literally what God ordered tithes to be, on lambs and cows, corn, grapes, and olives. Now the god in the pulpit lusts for literal lettuce your boss pays you every two weeks. Brother, youd better report your paycheck to Big Brother or your blessed assurance will fry in hell. Christ was only kidding when He told you to give your donations in secret (Matt.6:4). Otherwise, He never would have provided those nifty little envelopes on the back of the pew in front of you. The meanest spiritual butchers are so zealous about hacking up your paycheck, theyll name and shame non-tithers right from the pulpit. That evil jackboot preacher will yell about how non-tithers prevent miracles of healing in the church because God isnt getting paid to pour them out. That jackboot preacher will damn the cheapskate welfare mother to the lowest hell for refusing to put her babys milk money in the offering plate as an act of faith. The preacher will insult non-tithers, even put certain church members on a blacklist to be shunned as the vilest of sinners. But funny how this rebuking business doesnt work both ways. its not okay for John Q. Pew-warmer to go up to the pulpit and dress down the preacher for being a serial polygamist (divorcing and remarrying one woman after another). Its a far worse sin to be a poor steward of your welfare check than to be a poor husband!

Preachers are always hollering about how you have to paddle your little children to make them mind. A lot of Christian parents carry a switch to church with them, and everywhere they go. But next time the preacher yells that you must keep the Old Law (fasting or tithing) to be holy, ask him to preach on the good oldfashioned feces paddle the Law required Israelites to carry around with them: Deut.23:12: Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad (go to the toilet) 13 And thou shalt have a paddle (spade) upon thy weapon (with your gear); and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad (relieve yourself), thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee: 14 For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give up thine enemies before thee; THEREFORE SHALL THY CAMP BE HOLY: that he see no unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee. Good sanitation kept the camp holy in the sight of the Lord and helped ensure God gave the Israelites victory over their enemies. Even if the odor from an unsanitary camp had been strong enough to kill a million Amakekites without spears and arrows, a dirty camp is a defeated camp. Think how much holier that camp would have been with a little Lysol in the hand-dug latrines! The church janitor is performing a vital ministry even if he doesnt get paid enough to keep the tithes rolling in. Oh, well, just so long as he keeps the toilet paper rolling in the ladies room. A rich preacher had just finished lambasting the congregation about giving their tithes and offerings, and how God would give them a one-way ticket to hell if they didnt cough up the cash. Two little boys walked up to him after the service. One handed him a weird present. Whats this for? the preacher said gruffly. Your tie, preacher, I aint got no offering.

His brother handed the preacher the fifty cents he had in his pocket. Whats this for? the preacher barked. Ive already got so much loot in the bank I dont need your piddly little change. I thought you did need it, the boy said. Why? cause Daddy says youre a mighty poor preacher. Is this enough to pay my bus fare to heaven? ****** Preachers rant and rave about bringing tithes of filthy lucre into Gods House, a la Malachi 3:8-10. That dont make much sense to me. Paul said our BODIES are the House of God (I Cor.6:19). Does that mean I have to gobble up a twentydollar bill to bring one-tenth of my paycheck into Gods House? The Jews Temple had a storehouse where the tithes were kept. Since when did God ever authorize preachers to appoint the Bank of America as His New Covenant Storehouse? Ancient Israelites picked their tithes off grape vines and olive trees. Modern tithes pop out of ATM machines. I wonder if the grape vines and olive trees printed out receipts for tax deduction purposes. Now, they say, preachers make it even easier for you. You dont have to slog in the rain to get to your nearest ATM machine, only to find it empty. Robots have put many factory workers out of a job, and now theyve even put Levites out of a job. So you dont have to bring your tithes to a Levite anymore, even if you could find a full-blooded Levite in your midst. Now theyve come up with the churchs version of an ATM machine: the AUTOMATED TITHING MACHINE. Jesus scattered the money changers out of the temple with a whip. He needs a Ford pickup truck to haul Tithe-atron away:

Say a preacher is forty per cent Irish, twenty per cent German, ten per cent Japanese, fifteen per cent Chinese, fourteen per cent Burmese and one per cent Cherokee Indian. How does he qualify to take up tithes if God only authorizes pure-blooded Levites to do it? What if, heaven forbid, a woman preacher takes up tithes? If you dont even know who your ancestors are, and especially if youre female, can you call yourself a true son of Aaron, the ONLY group of people ever authorized by God to take up tithes (Heb.7:5) When did Jesus ever pass the plate at His meetings and ask for tithes and offerings? Jesus came from the tribe of Judah. He could accept freewill offerings, but He didnt qualify to take tithes. Did He pass out the loaves and fishes in return for your best offering to defray expenses? Did the disciples demand a tip from the people they waited on? Did they give the choicest cuts of the fish to the rich? Do modern miracle preachers truly follow in the Masters footsteps? Where does it say Jesus ever promised His followers a winning Lotto ticket if they would sacrifice next months rent to finance a new sound system for his open air meetings? If your greedy preacher wants you to take a flying leap of faith (fly by the seat of your pants) and consecrate YOUR rent money to the work of the Lord, then the least the preacher could do is go down to the realtors office with you and try to get the grumpy old grouch saved so hell be more understanding when he finds out you put this months rent payment in the collection plate. Surely BROTHER Scrooge wouldnt turn you out onto the street this Christmas for paying your tithe with HIS money, if he really loves the Lord.or would he? On a very serious note: The very idea of tithing to the Lord in the form of a greedy preacher should make alarm bells go off in your head. Does Jesus even

REMOTELY resemble that fat cat pleasure-lover in the pulpit, who wears a $2,000 suit, drives a shiny new Mercedes, wears a diamond Rolex, and enjoys lots of other amenities easy money can provide? When did Jesus ever threaten to send anybody to hell for failure to support His earthly ministry with ten per cent of their wages and salaries? Jesus looks nothing like the stuffed shirt in the pulpit. Once I got past the buzzwords and religious hoopla and finally woke up and smelled the coffee, I came to the conclusion that it is sheer blasphemy for any preacher to order people to give or tithe anything to the Lord because when they talk about giving to the Lord they really mean themselves! God up in heaven doesnt drive a Cadillac or live in a big mansion in California. To fleece the flock as Gods alleged representative and order people to tithe to the Lord is really a manifestation of the spirit of antichrist. Antichrist means instead of Christ. Preachers that irresponsible are presuming to put themselves in Gods place, stealing His gold and His glory! They are literally playing god with peoples lives! Jesus trusted in His Heavenly Father to provide all He needed without resorting to threats against His listeners. Jesus taught His disciples to ask the Father to provide their daily needs (Matt.6:11). If living by faith is good enough for the poor folks out in the pews, it oughta be good enough for the pulpit pilots too. Just imagine if every Christian made homeless by tithing would turn up on the guilty preachers doorstep and ask for Christian hospitality. I Peter 4:9 instructs Christians to show hospitality to other Christians without griping about it. Peter doesnt command big shot celebrity preachers to hide away from their own brothers and sisters in gated communities after theyve gotten rich by making these people homeless. Paul said he wanted to see EQUALITY of well-being in the Body of Christ (2 Cor.8:14). Others should not have way too much while you have way too little. Once again I hear some Brother Bigmouth yelling COMMUNIST! if you tell him the word equality is actually in the Bible. Well, does it say equality doesnt apply to both pew Christians and pulpit Christians? Did Paul preach class division in the Body of Christ? Is the preacher flying first class to heaven while you fly baggage class? If preachers are consistent about applying ALL the Word of God, not just the moneymakers, theyll preach equality of well-being in the Christian community. More often than not, all this drivel about We feel your pain and were praying for you, brother is just hot air. When was the last time some rich preachers wife threw one-tenth of her diamonds into the offering plate to pay HER tithe so the men down at the homeless mission could eat? Maybe if the preacher raises the thermostat in his air-conditioned dog house his ministrys operating expenses could be lowered. If Jesus set the example for faith preachers then why did He take up offerings for the poor instead of for Himself? Jesus was poor as a church mouse, and most modern preachers would wonder why Christ didnt use that as an excuse to hit people up for cash and splash out on luxuries. If He had no place to lay his head (Matt.8:20; Luke 8:58) why didnt He just stay in the Presidential Suite of the Jerusalem Hilton and charge it to the ministry like modern televangelists do? Did Jesus ask any healed lepers for their credit card numbers or tell them to get a Pay Pal account to help them sow their faith seeds?

Why wont my money seed sprout up in my own back yard if I plant it in some rich preachers yard? Even a dirt farmer from Alabama could figure that one out. Preachers scream down Malachi tithing curses on Gods children for failure to bring their filthy lucre into the House of the Lord. So why dont they give equal time to the warnings in this verse? Prov.22:16: He that oppresseth the poor to increase his riches, and he that giveth to the rich, shall surely come to want (extreme poverty). Preachers who plunder peoples pockets should git ten licks with the feces paddle! Watch these videos:

Fleecing the Flock Tithe-atron is Coming to Church The Apostles Did Not Teach Fasting and Tithing Tithe-atron is Coming to Church Tithe or Youll Fry in Hell