How to Create

Meaningful Relationships:
A Guidebook for Connections That Last

© 2019 The Chopra Center

 Table of Contents

1. Listen and Be Present ........................................ 3

2. Practice Non-Judgment .................................. 5

3. Create Healthy Boundaries .............................. 5

4. Give and Receive ............................................... 10

5. Schedule Quality Time Together .................... 11

6. Schedule Quality Time Apart .......................... 11

7. Communicate Consciously ............................. 12

8. Actively Love ....................................................... 16

9. Be Authentic ....................................................... 17

Contributors ............................................................ 18

© 2019 The Chopra Center

Life’s biggest blessings, lessons, opportunities, and gifts are found in
your connections with other people.

Flying solo on life’s adventures may seem easier. After all, relationships require work.
In relationships, you must practice the art of giving and receiving, but through these
practices, you will find life’s biggest rewards. Every relationship is unique and offers
its own lessons and qualities. You may have expectations in your mind of how you
think others should interact with you in a relationship, and when these expectations
fall short, you react internally, externally, or both. Because of this, it can be difficult to
build or maintain healthy friendships and intimate relationships.

Although each relationship is unique, there is some universal wisdom that can be
applied to create the most meaningful relationships of your life … and strengthen
them to last. Here are nine strategies—along with exercises on how you can apply
them to your own relationships—to get you started.

1. Listen and Be Present

It can be hard to be present when so much needs to be done, your to-do list seems
never-ending, and your loved one is chatting away at the same time. If you have
children, you understand that statement at its fullest.

But the best gift in the world is to be in the same moment as someone else. If you’re
in the middle of doing something urgent and someone starts talking to you, kindly
ask to reconnect with them as soon as you are finished, explaining that you truly want
to participate in the conversation. The most important thing you can do is ask people
about their lives, families, hobbies, goals, and dreams. Then, really listen to what they
have to say. Spend time relating with them through body language, facial expressions,
and your overall quality of presence. Be there with them in that moment. Refrain
from checking your phone, glancing at passersby, and other mindless distractions.
How you interact directly with others affects the energy of the relationship. Giving
your full attention to the person you’re with enhances your connection with them.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 3

Exercise: Pay Attention to Your Listening Skills

Next time you are in a conversation with a loved one, pay attention to how you listen
to them. Perhaps you hear them speak but you don’t really listen to what they say.
After your next interaction, ask yourself if these things happened during your talk:

• Were you already formulating your responses?

• Do you have a tendency to finish their sentences or to interrupt them
with your own experiences?
• Were you listening to your own internal dialogue and making
assumptions or judgments about the other person?
• Was your mind wandering to another place instead of actually listening?

If you answered “yes” to these questions, you may be listening from your head
instead of your heart. When you can listen from your heart rather than your head,
you’re able to be present while someone else shares. When you feel heard—really
heard—by another, it deepens your level of trust and connection with them.

When you give a friend or family member your undivided attention, they feel how
much you love them. The topic of discussion or activity that is taking place is
irrelevant to your love in that moment.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 4

2. Practice Non-Judgment
Humans are programmed to judge. As a human, you have personal emotions and
feelings that judge. Even if you strive to be non-judgmental, you will still have things
you view as ‘good’ and others as ‘bad.’ It is the nature of the human mind.

The good news is that there are ways to decrease your tendencies to judge others.
When you can consciously make an effort to put judgment to the side, over time
with practice and intent, it will become less and less. With those you love, you may
notice that it is often harder to remain non-judgmental. Why do you judge them
more than strangers? Because you love them more. You see the good in them with
a clearer vision. When you see such a beautiful light, it is difficult not to judge when
they do or say something that you feel is outside of that light.

Try to remind yourself of two important factors:

1. Each person is doing their best from their level of consciousness.

2. We are all light and dark. No one is perfect. No matter how amazing an
individual is, they have negative moments. If played out with the right
intentions, these negative moments can lead to amazing evolution and
personal growth. Of course, there is always the possibility that your
opinion is just your opinion.

3. Create Healthy Boundaries

Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries can be the thing that enhances or
sabotages relationships in any area of your life. A boundary is something that
indicates limits. A fence around the yard of your childhood home is an example of
a physical boundary. As kids, your parents may have said the fence is the limit to
how far you could stray when playing outside.

Every boundary also has a threshold; a point you do not wish you cross. If you went
beyond the fence in the yard as a young kid, there were repercussions like being
grounded from playing outside for a few days. This was how you learned that to
cross the line would result in some form of fallout.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 5

Boundaries are something everyone has learned about, whether they’re aware of it
or not. Think of a boundary as a line drawn in the sand that represents a “go” or “no
go” in any given situation. If the boundary is honored, all is well. If the line is crossed,
and the boundary is violated, it could result in the loss of a job, a friendship, or an
intimate partnership. A boundary is a limit that you have within a relationship or a
given life situation. When that boundary gets pushed too far, it sends you over the
edge, metaphorically-speaking.

It’s important to note that sometimes people infringe upon your boundaries (and
vice versa) unknowingly. If you haven’t been clear that you have a boundary then
you shouldn’t necessarily expect the other person to honor it. Of course, there
are extreme examples, but this should be understood in common situations you
encounter in your families, friendships, relationships, and in the workplace.

The reason it’s so important to know what your boundaries are and how to clearly
communicate them is that it empowers you to have healthy, conscious relationships
across the board.

To set boundaries in any area of your life, you must first know what is important
to you as well as what is a “go” or a “no go.” For many people, infidelity in their
relationship is a “no go.” In your job, being yelled at by your boss or torpedoed by
your peers may be a threshold. For some, family arguments at holiday gatherings
might be a strong boundary. Let’s do an exercise to help you determine what your
boundaries are so that you can ensure you are bringing your relationships into
harmony … and are able to discern when it’s time to let them go.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 6

Exercise: Identify and Communicate Your Boundaries
Part 1: Identify Your Boundaries.

To begin, visualize an area in your life where you feel that you’re being mistreated
in some way. As you think of this situation and the person involved, answer
these questions:

1. What is the specific behavior or behaviors that you find unacceptable?

2. Why is this behavior unacceptable to you?

3. Make a list of the things that are important to you about this area.
These are your values.

4. Jot down a few words about what each of those things mean to you
and why they are important.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 7

 5. As you look at this list, ask yourself, “If all these things were present
in this area of my life, is there anything that would make me feel
unhappy/unfulfilled?” Write down the things that come to mind.
These are your boundaries.

6. Next, go back to your list of things that are important to you and ask
yourself, “If all of these things were present in this area of my life, is
there anything that would cause me to leave (this relationship, this job,
this family)?” From this list, highlight the things that you identify as being
“no go’s,” and this will give you your thresholds.

Part 2: Communicating and Enforcing Your Boundaries

Now that you know what your boundaries and thresholds are, you’re ready
to communicate them.

1. Begin by telling the other person that this relationship is important to

you. Make sure to share some reasons why it’s important to you and
what you appreciate or value about the relationship. This is often a good
time to weave in your values to help them understand your position.

• Example: “In my friendships, honesty is very important to me

because it implies that both people are coming from a place
of integrity.”

© 2019 The Chopra Center 8

 2. Next, tell them what your boundary is. Be clear and concise, using a
firm and compassionate tone of voice. (You’ll need to find your own
balance here.)

• Example: “In my friendships, dishonesty is a boundary for me.

When there is dishonesty, it breaches this boundary and I’m
no longer able to trust that there is a level of integrity in
the relationship.”

3. Lastly, in some cases (if the boundary has already been violated and
you’re giving the person another chance), you may need to let
them know what the repercussions will be should they violate this
boundary again.

• Example: “If dishonesty continues to be an issue, I will no longer

be able to stay in this friendship with you.”

When both sides can share their values and boundaries with one another in a
kind and direct way, it increases the likelihood of mutual trust and respect in
the relationship.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 9

4. Give and Receive
The circle of giving and receiving can get complicated in relationships. Often one
person feels as though they give more than the other. Let’s suppose you do give
more in certain aspects. They may give more in other ways that you don’t value or
perceive the same.

Often people have a difficult time truly receiving. This is not often thought about
because on the surface level you may think, “Of course I love to receive!” But when
someone gives you something, notice how you react. Do you respond with, “Oh,
you shouldn’t have,” “I don’t need this,” or “This is too expensive”?

If you catch yourself saying such phrases, you could be blocking your blessings.
If the people you love hear you say such things to them over and over, they begin
to tune into how you are programming them. You set the standard for your own
perception. They now feel as though you don’t even like receiving as much as you
enjoy giving. Subconsciously you may not feel worthy or concern yourself with
how much the other person had to sacrifice. Allow a flow of giving and receiving to
connect more deeply in your relationships, and accept both as a blessing that we
share with all humans.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 10

5. Schedule Quality Time Together
In today’s world, there’s a bigger emphasis on running around and getting things
done than there is on making time to connect with others. Take a look at your weekly
calendar and schedule a date night with your partner, a lunch with a friend, or an
afternoon outdoors with your child. You may be surprised at how making time to
connect with others shifts the quality of your relationships.

6. Schedule Quality Time Apart

With that said, it’s also important to allow space for alone time for yourself to
simply be still and reflect. Some people are terrified of alone time, while others
can’t function without it. Regardless, alone time can help you recharge yourself
and your relationships.

When you are comfortable being alone and believe that you can take care of yourself,
you are less likely to be overly dependent on others. Plus, alone time can breed
self-awareness and empathy, two traits found in healthy relationships. By becoming
comfortable in your own skin, you can also better meet people where they are
without judgment.

Making time for a little solitude is essential, and there are many ways to enjoy alone
time. Try these suggestions:

• Meditating • Swimming
• Writing • Going to a movie
• Painting • Reading a book

Hint: Think back to an activity you enjoyed during your childhood—a time
perhaps when it was easier to entertain yourself.

It’s also important to understand when your partner needs time alone. Just because
someone doesn’t want to hang out or talk, it doesn’t mean they are upset with you;
it may mean they just need space. They need to hear their own thoughts without
interruption—maybe they need to clear themselves of the energy they have absorbed
throughout their day or week. Again, this doesn’t mean it was necessarily bad energy,
so if they have already spent their day with you, don’t take offense. Your ego wants

© 2019 The Chopra Center 11

to make everything about you, but refer back to understanding the need for alone
time—and the fact that different people require different amounts of it. By spending
time by yourself—and allowing others to do the same—you may also feel the shift in
how you relate with others.

7. Communicate Consciously
Relationships require open, compassionate, and conscious communication. Effective
communication asks that you show up in the conversation without engaging in
melodrama or blaming others or yourself. Instead, employ heartfelt, open dialogue
between parties.

Whenever you experience emotional turbulence, your ability to effectively

communicate tends to fly straight out the window. Here’s an exercise you can do to
move forward from a more conscious place when communicating with loved ones.

Exercise: Conscious Communication

When you find yourself in an emotionally charged situation, it’s best to ask questions
that empower you and promote conscious interactions before responding. At first,
you may find it beneficial to step away from the situation so you can clear your mind
and spend some time contemplating the following questions. Use the space below
to respond to the following questions. Or, if you prefer, have a journal or a notebook
handy so you can make some notes as you go along.

1. What happened?

Do your best to observe what happened without judging or criticizing the other
person, or creating any stories around the situation. We often go right into blaming
mode and waste time painting an elaborate picture that only perpetuates the
melodrama. Instead, simply write down what happened: She arrived at 6:30 p.m.
and our dinner reservation was for 6 p.m., or he put the groceries down and turned
on the television. Again, refrain from going into the story. All this does is get you
wound up even more.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 12

2. What emotions am I feeling?

Identify how you are feeling in the moment and do your best to refrain from
projecting responsibility for how you’re feeling onto your partner. The emotions
you are feeling are yours and yours alone. Your partner may have brought them
to the surface and now it is your responsibility to choose how to express them.
Taking responsibility for how you are feeling is the first step in exercising emotional
intelligence and sets you up for success in your communication. The key here is
to cite the specific emotion you are feeling. Examples of emotions are:

• Anger • Embarrassment
• Sadness • Confusion
• Fear • Sorrow
• Pain • Resentment
• Guilt • Jealousy
• Anxiety

Be sure to check your defensiveness at the door. Being on the defense is a way of
blaming your partner for what is happening, rather than taking responsibility for how
you are feeling. This is also a good time to abandon any patterns of victimization.
Using words that encourage victimization bolster you to an emotional state that
renders you powerless. That doesn’t serve you and it certainly doesn’t serve the
person you’re talking to.

Stand in your power and state your needs in a way that will increase the likelihood
of improving the way your partner relates to you.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 13

Some examples of words that encourage victimization and are best avoided include:

• Abandoned • Neglected
• Betrayed • Unappreciated
• Cheated • Unwanted
• Diminished • Pressured
• Manipulated

Basically, you want to avoid pointing these words toward your partner by saying
things like, “You betrayed me,” and instead share how you are feeling as a result of
a betrayal. Alternatively, you might instead say, “I am feeling hurt and resentful.”

3. What do I need that I’m not receiving?

Taking the time to identify the need you have that isn’t being met will help you to
express yourself in an emotionally resourceful way. In addition, it will help your
partner know how you are feeling and how to make positive course corrections in
your relationship. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now that I’m not receiving?”
and make some notes.

Take a few minutes to reflect back on a previous conflict where you needed
something that your partner wasn’t able to deliver. What was your unmet need in
that moment? Did you just need them to listen? Did you need to hear them express
their appreciation for something you did? Did you need some down time away
from the kids? Did you need to feel some intimacy with your spouse?

© 2019 The Chopra Center 14

4. What am I asking for?

Now, consider a specific behavior or outcome that you are or were seeking. It’s
important that you clearly identify what it is that you are asking for from your partner
and that you deliver it in the form of a request versus a demand. Demands imply a
sense of superiority over another person, are a form of disrespect, and rarely work
out well. Requests, on the other hand, convey a level of respect and a desire for
conflict resolution.

When you are preparing to consciously deliver your communication, you must take
a few moments to prepare yourself for the conversation. These are simple steps,
but they are anything but easy. You must be willing to come from a place of
vulnerability and express humility as you convey your message. Any adversarial tone
or energy directed toward your partner will be perceived as an attack and they are
likely to fire back.

When you can share how you feel about something, while requesting help from
that person to meet your needs, it provides both sides with an opportunity to
practice mindful communication.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 15

8. Actively Love
The art of actively loving happens when you turn love into a verb instead of simply
viewing it as a state. Practice doing things for—and with—people that demonstrate
you love them. Offer your loved one a foot rub, make a friend a nourishing meal,
practice random acts of kindness to strangers, make someone laugh, offer a helping
hand, or be there for someone who just needs a shoulder.

Loving gestures are far more powerful than any purchased gifts, so see where you
can tap into your creativity to show someone how much you care for them. At the
very least, express things that come from a loving place. It’s said that people won’t
remember anything you say, but they will remember how you made them feel,
stemming from the way you acted with and toward them.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 16

9. Be Authentic
Another profound way to connect with others is to be authentically you. One of the
biggest mistakes you can make in any relationship is to masquerade as someone or
something other than who you truly are.

Practicing authenticity means being vulnerable. Share yourself with those you care
about, and provide a safe space for them to share themselves with you. When life
gives you lemons, use it as an opportunity to learn from and connect with others.
When life is on the incline and everything is amazing, share that in a way that
promotes inspiration and motivation for others.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 17

Contributors
Melissa Carver
Perfect Health Instructor
Melissa Carver specializes in Metaphysics, guiding her clients
through the art of manifestation with one-on-one webinars and in-
person sessions. Melissa completed her certification in the Perfect
Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle program. She and her husband, Leo
Carver, are the core of Holistic Life Sciences, providing the Chopra
Certified Ayurvedic Health Course throughout the state of Kentucky.

Melissa Eisler
Certified Leadership Coach, Yoga and Meditation
Instructor, and Author
Melissa is a certified executive and leadership coach, certified
yoga and meditation instructor, and passionate about motivating
people to live a healthy, balanced, and purposeful life. Melissa is the
author of The Type A’s Guide to Mindfulness: Meditation for Busy
Minds and Busy People, a practical guide for new meditators in the
modern world, and the creator of www.mindfulminutes.com, a
personal blog about mindfulness and life balance in the digital age.

Emily Holland
Certified Health Coach
Emily is a certified Health Coach and freelance writer with a focus
on psychology, mental health, and optimal living. A combined
interest in healthy living and human behavior led Emily to pursue
a certification in health coaching at the Institute for Integrative
Nutrition as well as a master’s degree in General Psychology.

Tris Thorp
Vedic Educator
Tris is devoted to inspiring and empowering others to cultivate and
maintain mindfulness-based lifestyle practices that lead to greater
clarity, purpose and fulfillment. Through one-on-one coaching,
online programs, and live events, Tris specializes in helping people
to fully release negative emotional imprinting, limiting beliefs, and
unconscious patterns, enabling them to make quantum leaps into
the life they are truly meant to be living. You can learn more about
Tris and her work as a lifestyle and leadership coach at
www.tristhorp.com.

© 2019 The Chopra Center 18