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Older Women/Younger Men

Article  in  Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy · October 2006

DOI: 10.1300/J398v05n04_03

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Older Women/Younger Men

Nichole Proulx a; Sandra L. Caron a;Mary Ellin Logue a
a
University of Maine, ME, USA

To cite this Article Proulx, Nichole , Caron, Sandra L. andLogue, Mary Ellin(2006) 'Older Women/Younger Men', Journal
of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 5: 4, 43 — 64
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 Older Women/Younger Men:
A Look at the Implications
of Age Difference in Marriage
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Nichole Proulx
Sandra L. Caron
Mary Ellin Logue

ABSTRACT. This study provides insight into the lives of eight married
couples involved in an age-heterogamous relationship where the wife is
ten or more years older than her husband. While there is a lot of informa-
tion in the literature about men who date and marry younger women, the
research on this subject is very limited or outdated. This exploratory study
provides valuable information in several areas about couples in woman-
older marriages. The interviews were conducted with each participant
separately and explored three major topics of interest: The impact the age
difference has on the relationship, the issues that arise for the couple, and
any difference in husbands and wives experience. Implications for pro-
fessionals working with such couples, as well as for further research, are
discussed. doi:10.1300/J398v05n04_03 [Article copies available for a fee from
The Haworth Document Delivery Service: 1-800-HAWORTH. E-mail address:
<docdelivery@haworthpress.com> Website: <http://www.HaworthPress.com>
© 2006 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved.]

KEYWORDS. Heterogamy, homogamy, age-discrepant marriage

Nichole Proulx, Sandra L. Caron, and Mary Ellin Logue are affiliated with Univer-
sity of Maine, ME.
Address correspondence to: Sandra L. Caron, PhD, University of Maine, 5749
Merrill Hall, Orono, ME 04469 (E-mail: sandy.caron@umit.maine.edu).

Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, Vol. 5(4) 2006

Available online at http://jcrt.haworthpress.com
© 2006 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved.
doi:10.1300/J398v05n04_03 43
 44 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

According to the filter theory of mate selection, we tend to narrow

down our potential mates through a variety of ways. According to
Kerckhoff and Davis (1962), we begin with one large pool of eligible
partners, and after filtering for propinquity (geographic closeness), eth-
nicity and race, age, and socioeconomic status, we are left with a very
small number of potential spouses who most resemble us. Generally, it
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is out of this small sample that we choose the person we will marry.
“Like attracts like” is a general rule of thumb for selecting dating and
marital partners. This theory tends to hold true in many relationships to-
day (Knox, Zusman, & Nieves, 1997). In most cases, the person we
marry has a similar education and socioeconomic status, and is also the
same race and age, with the man in the relationship being slightly older
than his partner.
There has been a small shift from these more homogamous relation-
ships of the ’40s, ’50s, and ’60s to the more heterogamous relationships
of the ’80s, ’90s, and today. Mixed racial and ethnic, as well as interfaith,
marriages have certainly become more widely practiced as well as ac-
cepted in today’s society. Husband-older relationships are still custom-
ary, especially when the age difference is only a few years (Knox,
Britton, & Crisp, 1997). However, even when it means that the husband is
significantly older, we, as a culture, are much more likely to accept it than
if the age difference is the reverse, where she is the older partner in the re-
lationship (Knox, Zusman, & Nieves, 1997). Vera, Berardo, and Berardo
(1985) state that society looks down upon woman-older relationships be-
cause of the incest taboo. In essence, the large age difference between the
woman and the man is seen as a mother/son relationship.
Despite this, a number of romantic and self-help books have been
published on this topic (e.g., Older women/younger men by Brings &
Winter; A guide for older women dating younger men by Gibson; A
much younger man by Highbridge; Loving a younger man by Houston).
Talk shows like Oprah have devoted entire shows to talking with cou-
ples that are engaged in this type of marriage, and her October 2003
magazine featured a cover story regarding this topic (Picket, 2003).
More recently, several celebrity women have been in the spotlight for
marrying or dating men who are significantly younger than they are.
Demi Moore, Joan Lunden, Madonna, and Courtney Cox Arquette are
just some of these examples. Certainly, the media coverage these celeb-
rities have received is more than just the glamour effects of their
age-discrepant relationships, it is also society’s way of saying that they
have moved away from the norm and ventured outside the boundaries of
usual practices in dating and marriage.
 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 45

According to Shehan, Berardo, Vera, and Carley (1991), 22 percent

of weddings performed every year in the United States involve women
who are older than their husbands. This is a relatively surprising statistic
given the apprehension to such marriages in our society. And an AARP
study of 1,407 single men and 2,094 single women aged 40-69 found 20
percent of the women surveyed were dating, or had recently dated a man
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that was five or more years younger than they were (Montenegro,
2003). This confirms that some women who are single during midlife
are turning to younger men for a relationship.
When looking at age-heterogamous relationships, researchers have
paid special attention to a number of predictors for this type of partner-
ing. Atkinson and Glass (1985), attribute this change to an increase in
gender equality in this country. As women become more equal in soci-
ety they are less likely to conform to traditional gender roles and pat-
terns, therefore, foregoing the usual pattern in marriage where the male
is older than the female. Factors such as education and marital history
have also been noted (Bytheway, 1981; Shehan et al., 1991). Education
appears to play an important role in determining the likelihood that a
woman will participate in an age-heterogamous marriage. Social scien-
tists have theorized that an increase in education may be associated with
an increase in the tendency of women to participate in heterogamous re-
lationships (Shehan et al., 1991). This may be due to the fact that highly
educated women tend to marry later, thus lessening their pool of poten-
tial mates and increasing their likelihood of marrying someone younger,
as well as possess more liberal ideas about marriage.
In terms of marital history, heterogamous relationships are most likely
to occur for women who are participating in second marriages. Shehan
et al. (1991) found that women who were in second marriages were
seven times more likely to be in relationships where they were older
than their husbands. A British study of marital patterns in the 1970s also
found that those who remain unmarried into middle age were likely to
marry people younger than themselves; this was particularly true for
women more so than men (Bytheway, 1981).
Despite the frequency of such relationships, very few studies were
found in the literature that examined the issues that arise for couples in
this type of marriage (where the woman is significantly older than her
husband). One study conducted by Seskin and Ziegler (1979) involved
interviews with seventy-six women who were in woman-older relation-
ships. The results of this study did not report any statistics; however,
general themes were explored. According to some of the women, a large
part of their initial willingness to participate in a socially unaccepted re-
 46 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

lationship like this was the attractiveness of their partner. Many were at-
tracted to the men simply because of their youth and the physical
attractions that accompany it. Others found the liveliness of their part-
ners to be striking mostly due to the fact that they were much younger.
The woman reported that one of the best parts about being involved in
this type of relationship was that it made them feel younger. This was
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because they were not with someone who was also at the same point in
aging as they were, and thus the younger man was not necessarily wor-
rying about aging because he was not there yet, or at least not to an ad-
vanced point.
The age difference did raise some issues of insecurity for the women
surrounding their attractiveness when it came to intimacy (Seskin &
Ziegler, 1979). Even women who considered themselves to be in good
shape reported that they wondered if they could compare with the beauty
that is associated with youth and still capture their younger partner’s at-
tention. The women felt that the age difference did not play a very large
role in everyday life, and was able to be “brushed under the carpet.”
And while the women reported that the issue of age did come up period-
ically, it could not be completely forgotten by the couple.
The women who participated in Seskin and Ziegler’s (1979) inter-
views also reported that they felt the social pressures from both their
peers and their children (if they had any from a previous marriage) sur-
rounding the type of relationship they were participating in. Like the
rest of society, many of the women’s friends could not understand why
or how such a relationship could work, much less why the women were
inclined to stay with their younger men. The women who had children
from a previous relationship reported that their children also felt embar-
rassed at the site of being with the couple in public, especially when the
age difference was visibly noticeable. Certainly, these reactions play
into the social definitions of what is and is not acceptable for relation-
ships. Vast age differences, especially in woman-older relationships,
clearly violate the norms in this society.
They also found that the women felt badly about making more money
than their partners, as well as already being more financially sound be-
cause they were well established in their careers (Seskin & Ziegler,
1979). In some cases it led to conflict between the couple, especially
when they were dating. This finding was also supported in a study by
Brings and Winter (2000). Their study also discussed another issue that
is unique to woman-older relationships. This involved the developmen-
tal stage of the male in the relationship. Not only were his interests in
music and television different, but also his readiness for a serious com-
 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 47

mitment. They concluded that men in their twenties who were dating
older women may not be as ready to be involved in a committed rela-
tionship as older men are, simply because they are still discovering who
they are and what they want out of life (Brings & Winter, 2001).
While a small number of studies have been conducted on this topic,
those that have been done are out of date and are very limited in their
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findings (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979; Brings & Winter, 2000). Very little
has actually been reported about the issues that arise within these mar-
riages. Furthermore, the men in these relationships have not been inter-
viewed about their perception of being involved in a woman-older
marriage, and none of the research shows a comparison between men
and women about what they perceive to be the issues that are raised. The
purpose of this study was to add to the research on this type of marriage
by gaining insight into the issues that arise in marriages in which the
woman is significantly older than her husband. More specifically, this
research focused on three research questions: (1) What impact has the
age difference had on the relationship because the woman is signifi-
cantly older? (2) What issues are presented by the couples involved in
age-heterogamous marriages in which the woman is older? (3) Do hus-
bands and wives perceive different issues being raised within the
context of the woman-older marriage?

METHODOLOGY

Sample

The study consisted of interviews with eight married couples in-

volved in a relationship where the woman is significantly older by ten
or more years than her husband. The husbands and wives were inter-
viewed separately. The convenience sampling method was employed
due to the difficulty of identifying the couples to be interviewed and
because of the time limitations of the thesis project. The participants
were found through contacts with committee members, co-workers,
acquaintances of the primary investigator, and word of mouth. Finally, an
e-mail announcement was forwarded to several university discussion
boards/conferences.
The couples in the sample ranged in age from 24 to 61; with males’
age ranging from 24 to 51, and females’ from 34 to 61. The age differ-
ence between the husband and wife ranged from her being 10 years
older to 17 years older. All but one participant identified their race/eth-
 48 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

nicity as Caucasian (one male identified as Asian). Most couples could

be described as middle class, with most having at least college educa-
tion (11:16) and many holding professional positions (e.g., teacher,
manager, computer programmer, professor, academic counselor) (see
Table 1).
The women’s age at the time of marriage ranged from 34 to 53 years,
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with 75% of the women being in their late thirties and early forties (6:8).
For males, their age at marriage was 23 to 43 years, with 75% of the men
in their early- to mid-twenties (6:8) at the time of marriage. The couples
had been married anywhere from 7 months to 15 years, and dated from
less than a year to five years before marrying. All couples knew about
their significant age difference before becoming romantically involved.
Many of the women (6:8) had been married at least once before, while
most of the men (6:8) had never been married previously.
For women, 75% (6:8) had a previous romantic relationship with a
younger man, while 50% (4:8) of the men had a previous romantic rela-

TABLE 1. Demographics

(8 Husbands ⫹ 8 Wives)
Husband Wife
Demographics of Subjects
Age Range 24 to 51 34 to 61
Professional Position 5 (63%) 6 (75%)
Age Range at Marriage 23 to 43 34 to 53
Married in 20s 6 (75%) 0
Married in 30s 0 4 (50%)
Married in 40s 2 (25%) 3 (38%)
Married in 50s 0 1 (13%)
Previous Marriage 2 (25%) 6 (75%)
Previous Romantic Relationship with an Older 4 (50%) 6 (75%)
Woman/Younger Man
Demographics of Children
Have Children 5 (63%) 7 (88%)
Have Children from Previous Relationship 2 (25%) 5 (63%)
Have One Child 4 (50%) 3 (38%)
Have Two Children 1 (13%) 1 (13%)
Have Three Children 0 3 (38%)
 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 49

tionship with an older woman. When asked if there was a trend of

age-discrepant romantic relationships in their own family, 44% (7:16)
of the participants said there was; four out of the seven were men who
reported this trend in their family.
In looking at children, only one couple did not have any children
from the present or a previous relationship, and two other men never
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had children of their own but became a stepfather to his wife’s children
from a previous marriage. Three of the couples have children from this
marriage, while most (63%) brought anywhere from one to three chil-
dren from a previous relationship (5:8 couples). One of these couples
had an adult child who never lived with them in this current marriage.
The children’s ages ranged from 2 years to 35 years.

Interview Procedure

The interview consisted of 29 open-ended questions, and was ap-

proved through the Human Subjects Committee of the university. Ques-
tions 1-13 in the interview protocol were questions pertaining to demo-
graphics of each individual interviewed. Interview questions 14-18 ex-
plored the demographics of any children involved. Each interview
question from 19 to 29 was asked to gather enough information to an-
swer the three major research questions. Specifically, interview ques-
tions 19-24 pertained to research question 1: What impact has the age
difference (specifically because the woman is significantly older) had
on the relationship? Interview questions 25-29 pertained to research
question 2: What issues are presented by couples involved in age-
heterogamous relationships in which the woman is older? The answers
reported by the husband and wife, from interview questions 19-29 were
compared in order to answer research question 3: Do husbands and
wives perceive different issues being raised within the context of the
woman-older marriage?

Interview Technique

Couples who expressed interest in participating in this research were

given a copy of the consent form before an interview was scheduled.
Consent was implied when they agreed to arrange an interview after re-
viewing the consent form. Interviews with couples were conducted
face-to-face either at the couples’ home or in a private conference room
on the university campus. Interviews lasted approximately one hour,
during which time extensive notes were taken and the interviews were
 50 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

tape-recorded. At the end of the interview, participants were given the

opportunity to review their responses for omissions or clarifications.
Participants were assured that any and all responses would be kept con-
fidential. No names were included in the data report; a code number was
assigned to each interview.
Notes from each interview were typed. Responses to interview ques-
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tions were analyzed using established methods of qualitative inquiry,

including coding and categorizing processes that make use of both de-
ductive and inductive approaches (Miles & Huberman, 1984). Data
were first organized by responses to each interview question and initial
coding categories were created. Data were then coded by each researcher,
compared, differences discussed, and coding categories refined.

RESULTS

Research Question 1

The first research question asked, “What impact has the age differ-
ence (specifically because the woman is significantly older) had on the
relationship?” Six questions (Q19-24) from the interview schedule per-
tained to this area. Results are presented in Table 2. The first question
(Q19) asked participants to identify the unique benefits of being in this
type of relationship. The most typical responses included: She has more
life experience/maturity (n = 7), she is more established in her career/fi-
nances (n = 6), a younger man helps keep her young/active (n = 3), and
not being stuck in traditional roles (n = 3). Two mentioned death and dy-
ing issues–one in reference to the husband being around for their child
should she die earlier, while another couple discussed the advantage of
dying at the same time (noting that women typically live 10 years longer
than men).
Examples include the following:
• She helped me through areas I was not mature in, and she had more
life experience and perspective. (Husband, Couple #8)
• She has herself established with where she was in her life–she had
already established her professional career and owned her own
home. (Husband, Couple #4)
• He is an active person, and having a younger person helps me to be
active. (Wife, Couple #6)
 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 51

• By marrying a younger man I am going against the traditional idea

that I should marry someone who is older and will take care of me.
(Wife, Couple #4)

The second question (Q20) asked couples to identify unique draw-

backs to this type of relationship. Two themes emerged: The issue of
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TABLE 2. Results for Research Question 1

What impact has the age difference (specifically because the (8 Husbands and 8 Wives)
woman is significantly older) had on the relationship?
Husband Wife
Question 19: Benefits
Life Experience/Maturity 6 1
She is more established 4 2
in her career/finances
Keeps her active 1 2
Not stuck in traditional roles 1 2
Question 20: Drawbacks
Aging 4 3
Social Stigma 1 3
Question 21: Did the age difference
attract you to your spouse?
Yes 4 2
No 4 6
Question 22: Kept as a secret/hesitated to
tell others?
Hesitant 4 4
Not Hesitant 4 4
Question 23: Reactions
Family No Issues 5 4
Family Issues 3 4
Children’s Reactions (5 Couples
with children old enough)
Children No Issues 2 2
Children Issues 3 3
Question 24: Can age differences
be forgotten?
Yes 8 6
No 0 2
 52 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

aging (as it relates to looks, health, and being active (n = 7) and social
stigma (n = 4) attached to older women being with younger men.
• I am concerned about aging and him still wanting me when I’m old
and wrinkly, and I don’t want to look like his mother. (Wife, Cou-
ple #1)
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• We hesitate to tell others, for the most part, because we know how
people have reacted in the past and the remarks that have been
made. People are pretty close-minded. (Husband, Couple #5)
The third question (Q21) asked the subjects if the age difference
played a role in attracting them to their spouse. Six out of the sixteen
participants said that the age difference had played a role in their initial
attraction to their spouse, and three of the six noted that they had always
been attracted to the age difference. Examples include:

• Yes, the novelty of it was great and I was really attracted to his
boyish charm. (Wife, Couple #2)
• It did play a role in attracting me to her. I guess you could say that
I’ve always had a thing for older women. (Husband, Couple #7)

The fourth question (Q22) asked couples about who knows about
their age difference, and if it is something they keep or initially kept as a
secret. While all of the couples reported that at least close friends and
family were aware of their age difference, half of the couples (4:8) re-
ported that they had some hesitancy around telling others about their
age difference, especially in the beginning of their relationship. Two ex-
amples include:

• All of our friends and family know. We didn’t necessarily keep it

as a secret, but we didn’t say anything to family members until
they got to know her first. (Husband, Couple #6)
• Everyone knows. Initially I kept it as a secret and I even lied about
his age. I didn’t tell my mother for a long time how young he actu-
ally was. (Wife, Couple #1)

The fifth question (Q23) asked about people’s reaction to the age dif-
ference and the kinds of responses they received. While nine of the six-
teen participants said that their family was fine, seven said that their
family had negative reactions to the age difference, at least initially and
especially the mother. Four of these couples said that her parents were
 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 53

skeptical or against the relationship, and three couples identified that his
parents expressed concern. Examples of family reactions include:

• Her mother had big doubts about the relationship. (Husband, Cou-
ple #2)
• Our parents were absolutely dumbfounded and in disbelief about
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the relationship because we look so obviously different in age.

(Husband, Couple #3)
• My parents weren’t bothered at all. In fact, my father was happy
that I found someone to love. (Wife, Couple #4)
• His parents were concerned at first, but since his mother is four
years older than his father, that helped. (Wife, Couple #6)

This question also asked couples who had children about their chil-
dren’s reaction. Five of the couples had children old enough to under-
stand the age difference. Three couples reported that their children had a
negative reaction to the relationship, at least initially, due to the fact that
the husband is close in age to her children from a previous relationship.
One couple commented that they have had positive reactions from their
children. Examples include:
• Her kids think I’m cool, but there are power struggles over who par-
ents the kids because I am close to their age. (Husband, Couple #1)
• We both had teens from previous marriages and have had good re-
actions, in fact my daughter actually fixed us up! (Husband, Cou-
ple #5)
Three of the couples reported that their friends had reservations about
the relationship (referring to it as “robbing the cradle”). On the other
hand, one of the participants (Wife, Couple #5) noted that her friends
saw it as a good thing, “Thank god he’s younger because she’d kill
someone her own age” (because she’s so active and it’s assumed that a
man her age wouldn’t be able to keep up).
The last question that pertains to research question one (Q24) asked if
age differences could be forgotten. Overall, most participants agreed
(14:16) that age differences can be forgotten on a daily basis, however
instances such as birthdays, filling out forms that ask for ages, and talk
of her retirement are examples of times when age cannot be forgotten.
Examples include:
• Yes, in everyday life it can be forgotten although it is always pres-
ent underneath. (Wife, Couple #2)
 54 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

• No, I don’t think so. I think about it occasionally and I have con-
cerns about not wanting to be a burden on him later in life. (Wife,
Couple #6)

Research Question 2
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The second research question asked, “What issues are presented by

the couples involved in age-heterogamous marriages in which the
woman is older?” Five questions (Q25-29) from the interview schedule
pertained to this area. Results are presented in Table 3. The first ques-
tion (Q25) asked if the participants had doubts about continuing/pursu-
ing the relationship once they discovered the age difference, and if so
what issues were raised. Nine of the sixteen participants stated that they
did have doubts about continuing the relationship because of the age
difference, while seven did not. The most common reasons for doubting
TABLE 3. Results for Research Question 2

What issues are presented by the couples involved in age (8 Husbands and 8 Wives)
heterogamous marriages in which the woman is older?
Husband Wife
Question 25: Doubts about continuing/pursuing
the relationship?
Doubts 2 7
No Doubts 6 1
Question 26: Did the age difference affect intimacy?
Yes 2 2
No 6 6
Question 27: Is the age difference a bigger issue for
you or your spouse?
Self 2 3
Spouse 5 1
Neither 1 4
Question 28: When does age come up as an issue?
Work/Career 2 2
Power Struggles 3 3
Money 0 0
Interests 4 4
Other–Fertility 3 3
No More Children 1 1
 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 55

identified were about her aging (n = 4), acceptance by family (n = 3),

and having a premade family/step-parenting (n = 3).

• The age difference seems small now, but I feel that it will be a big-
ger issue later in life as she grows older and begins to break down.
(Husband, Couple #8)
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• I had doubts about my family’s reaction to the age difference espe-

cially since my son is only a few years younger than him. I was
also worried about my daughter not liking it. (Wife, Couple #3)
• I did have doubts about marrying into a premade family and won-
dered if I really wanted to marry into this. (Husband, Couple #1)

The second question (Q26) asked if the age difference affected inti-
macy especially around experience and attractiveness. Twelve of the
sixteen subjects stated that they did not have any issues with intimacy
because of the age difference; while four stated that it was an issue for
them (two were related to experience; two were related to attractive-
ness). Examples included:

• She had been with more people and this was a concern for me.
(Husband, Couple #2)
• There are body issues around not feeling slim and trim and it’s a
struggle to keep a youthful body. (Wife, Couple #6)
• There are issues around her lack of experience because there is a
decade of difference in things that are acceptable. (Husband, Cou-
ple #8)

The third question (Q27) asked if the age difference was a bigger is-
sue for him/her or their spouse. Five participants did not see this as an is-
sue for either of them, however eight reported that it was a bigger issue
for her (five husbands and three wives said this). Only three subjects re-
ported that it was a bigger issue for him (two husbands and one wife said
this). Examples include:

• Age difference is bigger for her because she is concerned about me

finding her attractive when we get older. (Husband, Couple #1)
• I am very self-conscious that I look older than he does. (Wife, Cou-
ple #5).

The fourth question (Q28) asked couples to identify when age comes
up as an issue particularly in areas such as work/career, power strug-
 56 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

gles, money, and age/developmental issues. Only two couples felt that
there were issues related to work/career. Three couples identified power
struggles due to the age difference as an issue in their marriage. No cou-
ples identified money as an issue, even though in three relationships she
makes more than he does. Four of the eight couples identified different
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interests due to their age/developmental differences; all four of the cou-

ples stated that they have different music and television/movie interests.
Three examples include:

• I felt pressure to establish my own career because she was so es-

tablished; she wasn’t going to wait around for me to get my act to-
gether. (Husband, Couple #4)
• He treats me like a parent and once in a while he’ll even call me
mom by accident. (Wife, Couple #3)
• We have different music and TV interests. Let me put it this way, I
saw the original Brady Bunch and he saw the re-runs. (Wife, Cou-
ple #4)

Other issues identified by the participants centered on fertility (bio-

logical clock) as well as her not wanting to have any more children. Half
of the couples raised these as concerns.

• By the time we met and married my biological clock had already

run out so we missed out on having children. (Wife, Couple #6)
• Age made a difference when we were deciding to have kids. Be-
cause of my age, I didn’t want to wait, he would have liked to wait
a while. (Wife, Couple #8)
• She already had children and doesn’t want any more kids, even
though I would like to father my own children. (Husband, Cou-
ple #2)

Finally, the last question (Q29) asked participants what advice they
would give to other couples entering into this type of marriage. A list of
suggestions can found in Table 4. The advice ranged from not letting
age be a factor, to being realistic and aware of the differences that may
exist. One of the themes that was most apparent in the advice given was
that the subjects felt participating in a woman-older relationship was
certainly something that they would recommend to others, but that it
was important for them to know what they were getting into. Another
 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 57

TABLE 4. Advice for People Entering this Type of Marriage (Question 29)
Advice from Men
Know what you want: Don’t try to make people younger or older, just let them be who
they are.
Be prepared for the nasty comments.
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Be prepared that there are people who don’t approve.

Go for it if you can set the differences aside.
Work out her being a mother.
Don’t worry about what others think, you are the ones who have to be happy.
If it’s going to be successful you have to make sure that you get past the age difference
because it could be destructive. This is the best way to be successful.
If the guy gets hung up on the fact that the girl is older then it won’t work.
The guy has to accept the fact that he needs to have a healthy ego and not fall into
traditional roles.
To some extent age shouldn’t matter, it’s how you get along with someone.
As long as you don’t mind, I’d say it would be alright.
You have to make up your own mind, it depends on the individual.
There are differences and they will exist, and adding age is another issue you have to
work around. You have to work around it and work together. Watch out because age can
apply to interests and to children.
Advice from Women
A good friend told me that what matters is that we are in the same place.
Can’t disregard people because of their age.
Take things day by day and don’t let it consume you.
It can make things more interesting.
Follow your heart and don’t stop talking: Communicate.
Pretend each day is your honeymoon.
I’m doing what men have been doing for centuries.
Shouldn’t put your head in the sand.
Go into it with eyes wide open and be realistic.
While it may not be an issue for you, it may be for others so you need to be secure in
your relationship.
Be glad that you aren’t in a stereotypical relationship; it’s great for women.
Be careful about not putting the person in the parent role and the other in the child role.
Put the age issue behind them. A relationship isn’t based on numbers. Any relationship
is built on morals and important commonalities.
I would not let age enter into it.
It’s a hard thing to do. Take a look again at your goals and objectives, but play them
against each other’s while looking at moving into older age.
 58 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

TABLE 4 (continued)

It’s about the level of trust you have for each of you that the relationship will last.
You have to be very honest when combining households. You have to look at what you
are letting go of and it’s important to discuss what has sentimental value.
Same as to anyone getting married: Take time to get to know the person and love and
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respect them. Age doesn’t matter.

Don’t let social conventions about older women and younger men get in the way.

theme that emerged was to be aware of what society was thinking and to
be prepared for the social stigma that surrounds this type of relationship.

Research Question 3

The third research question asked, “Do husbands and wives perceive
different issues being raised within the context of the woman-older mar-
riage?” Eleven questions (19-29) from the interview protocol pertained
to this area. There were no differences between what husbands and
wives had to say in several areas including whether they hesitated to tell
anyone about their relationship (Q22), their family and children’s reac-
tions (Q23), impact on their intimacy (Q26), and when age comes up as
an issue (Q28).
However, there were a number of differences in the way wives and
husbands responded to several questions that may indicate a variation in
their experience within this type of marriage as presented in Tables 2
and 3. In question 19 there was a difference between what men and
women identified as benefits of being involved in a woman-older mar-
riage. Men overwhelmingly described the woman having life experi-
ence as being a benefit (6:8 as compared with 1:8 women). Men also
identified more often than women, that her being more established in
her career/finances was also a benefit (4:8 as compared with 2:8 women).
In question 20 women identified more often than men the social stigma
as a drawback to this type of relationship (3:8 women and 1:8 men).
Question 21 asked the husbands and wives if the age difference at-
tracted them to their spouse. While the men identified more often than
the women that the age difference attracted them to their spouse (4:8
men said yes and 2:8 women said yes), the women identified more often
that his younger age was not a factor in her attraction to him (6:8 women
said no and 4:8 men said no). When asked if age difference can be forgot-
ten (Q24), more men than women said yes (8:8 men and 6:8 women).
 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 59

Question 25 asked if the participants had doubts about continuing/pur-

suing the relationship, and the wives were much more likely to say that
they did have doubts (7:8) as compared with the men who said they had
no doubts (6:8). When asked if age difference is a bigger issue for you or
your spouse (Q27), the husbands were much more likely to identify the
wives as having the bigger problem (5:8), whereas the wives were more
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likely to say that neither of them saw the age difference as a big issue
(4:8).

DISCUSSION

The responses by couples that were interviewed in this study sup-

ported previous research in terms of who these women are that marry a
man who is significantly younger. These women tend to be educated,
marry later in life, and in a second marriage (Atkinson & Glass, 1985;
Bytheway, 1981; Shehan et al., 1991). In fact, six of the eight women in-
terviewed for this study had at least a college education, were in their
late thirties to early forties when marrying their husband, and had been
married at least once before. In addition, six of the women in this study
had been previously involved with a younger man, supporting Seskin
and Ziegler’s (1979) finding that women report they had been attracted
to younger men in the past.
This study also supported previous research when it found that al-
most half of the women reported that the social stigma surrounding the
woman-older marriage was a drawback to the relationship. Seskin and
Ziegler (1979) had identified that many women reported feeling social
pressures from their friends and family. Further, half of the men and
women in this study reported that their family and children had prob-
lems, at least initially, with their marriage because of its unconventional
nature. In fact, half of the couples reported that they were hesitant to tell
their friends and family about their relationship.
While previous research (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979) found that many
women in woman-older relationships reported that they are attracted to
younger men, the present study found this to be true not only for the
women, but even more so for the men in the study. Half of the men re-
ported that they had dated an older woman and were specifically inter-
ested in her because of her age. Unfortunately, there is little research on
the men who date and marry these women.
The couples interviewed in this study were asked if it was possible to
forget their age difference. The overwhelming majority of the couples
 60 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

reported that it was possible on a daily basis, but the age difference
could not be forgotten. This supports Seskin and Ziegler’s (1979) re-
search finding that age difference did not play a very big role in every
day life, and was able to be “brushed under the carpet.” However, the
women in their study noted that when they looked at the big picture, the
issue of age did come up periodically and they were unable to forget it
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completely. In the present study, this was found to be true for the
women and the men.
There were several important issues identified by the couples in this
study. Women had more doubts about entering into a women-older rela-
tionship because of concerns that she will age sooner. Some women
also identified that intimacy was affected by the age difference and re-
ported that attractiveness was the biggest issue. These findings support
Seskin and Ziegler’s earlier study (1979) that found the issues that came
up for women included her aging sooner and intimacy, particularly at-
tractiveness.
When asked if the age difference was an issue around work, power,
money, or interests it was more frequently reported to be an issue for the
couple in terms of their different developmental stages. Half the couples
reported differences in interests (e.g., music and television), which sup-
ports the findings by Brings and Winter (2000). Interestingly, money
was not reported by any of the couples as an issue, despite previous re-
search that reported the most common source of conflict in this type of
marriage was her making more money (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979). In fact,
many men in this study reported that her making more money was an
advantage rather than a problem. It might be important to note that the
previous research was conducted in 1979 and the current findings might
suggest that times have changed.
One area that has not been mentioned in previous research, but was
identified by half of the participants, related to issues of fertility and/or
her not wanting to have more children. Several couples noted that by
marrying at the end of the woman’s fertile years their “biological clock”
had run out or was about to run out. Due to the nature of this type of mar-
riage, it seems obvious that this would be a major concern and certainly
one that should be looked into in further research.
All of the couples in this study offered advice for those couples that
may be entering into this type of marriage. The couples acknowledged
that a social stigma still exists around this type of marriage. The over-
whelming content of the advice centered on being realistic about the age
difference, and recommended that you confront and deal with it directly.
 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 61

There is no information in the literature that has looked at the differ-

ences between the wives’ and husbands’ experience and perceptions of
being in this type of marriage. This small exploratory study identified
several things that differed between men and women and suggests that
overall, men and women may view their relationship and the issues
raised within it somewhat differently. An important finding from this
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study is that both men and women are affected by this type of marital ar-
rangement, despite the focus in the literature on just the women in these
types of relationships.
This study found that many men see her having life experience, ma-
turity, and an established career as an advantage, which differs from the
traditional thinking that the man is supposed to be the one who is more
established and making more money. In fact, the men in this study re-
ported that they were attracted to her because of the age difference. On
the other hand, while it is more acceptable for him to go against tradition-
al roles, it is less acceptable for women. This study showed that women
still continue to have more doubts, and the age difference is seen as a
bigger issue for her.
Overall, these findings make it apparent that the social stigmas sur-
rounding these woman-older marriages are still alive and well. How-
ever, the couples in these relationships don’t seem to be as bothered by
the age difference as the rest of society is. Society places a lot of empha-
sis on appearance, and the women in this sample seemed the most con-
cerned about aging and looking older. On the other hand, men did not
appear to be as worried about this. The men in this study go against the
traditional roles of men, but definitely viewed that as a benefit rather
than a drawback to the relationship.

Implications

Despite the fact that this was a small exploratory study, the findings
provide some implications for professionals working with individuals
and couples (e.g., counseling). Many issues were raised and important
advice given in this study. On a more negative side, it is essential to be
aware of the social stigma that still exists around this type of marriage
and to note that she will carry the greater burden of going against social
conventions. Clearly, some couples experienced family disapproval
and therefore it is extremely important to have clear boundaries around
their relationship. Due to the nature of this type of marriage where she is
typically in her late thirties or early forties, both pregnancy and parenting
issues need to be addressed.
 62 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

On a more positive note, these findings suggest that a single woman

should recognize that there are men interested in a relationship with an
older woman and they are not intimidated by the age difference. In addi-
tion, most couples in this type of relationship reported that it does not
have to affect intimacy in any way. Finally, it’s important to realize that
all relationships have their problems and it is essential not to jump to the
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conclusion that the age difference is the reason for problems in the
marriage.
In terms of further research, it would be important to consider inter-
viewing couples together as well as separately, and have all interviews
face-to-face. This could provide the researcher with a more complete
picture of the relationship and the issues faced. It may be beneficial for
future researchers to interview only couples that have no children from
previous relationships due to the fact that blended families/adding chil-
dren into the mix may produce added confounding variables. It would
also be important for future research to compare man-older with woman-
older marriages in order to determine if the issues being raised in the re-
lationship are specific to age or to gender roles. In addition, the results
of this study made it clear that there are a number of areas that could be
further explored, such as pregnancy and parenting issues (such as hav-
ing to have children sooner because of the “biological clock,” not being
able to have children, or not wanting anymore children), power strug-
gles between the couple, and focusing more closely on the men in these
relationships.

Limitations

One limitation of this study is that all interviews were conducted by a

female. This may have affected the way in which male and female par-
ticipants responded to the researcher. The participants were also mostly
Caucasian (with the exception of one); issues raised by couples of dif-
ferent races/ethnicities may be dissimilar. The sample, overall, was
highly educated and this may have skewed the results. A more diverse
level of education for the sample may have brought forth other issues.
The variety in length of marriage and wide range of age differences in
this sample may also be a further limitation. Sample groups that were
more homogamous in these areas may have yielded different results.
Many of the results focused on the negative impact that the woman-
older relationship has on the wife. This may be due to a bias in the ques-
tions in terms of more focus on her being older rather than on him being
younger. This may explain why the responses tended to have a more
 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 63

one-sided focus on how this type of marriage affects her. For example,
this can be seen in the wording of question 28 which asked if there are
work/career issues; the prompt given is that she may have a more presti-
gious career and that she may be more established.
Finally, it is interesting to note that all but one of the couples inter-
viewed for this study appeared to be similar in age and therefore no one
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would ever guess that there was such a difference. This might explain
why so many of the couples did not see their relationship as a big chal-
lenge unless they told others about their age difference. Perhaps by in-
terviewing couples who are not only significantly different in age, but
who also appear to be significantly different in age, may yield very
different results.
Despite these limitations, this research has opened the door to an area
that is little explored and in need of further research. Clearly, society has
changed in such a way that has made this type of relationship less of an
anomaly. As the 2003 AARP study found, 20% of women aged 40 to 69
are dating younger men (Montenegro, 2003). This is clearly an area that
is untapped for research.

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RECEIVED: 10/11/05
ACCEPTED: 12/20/05

doi:10.1300/J398v05n04_03

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