THE BROTHERS GRIMM SPECTACULATHON

NARRATOR 1: Hello and Welcome to The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon !!

[narrator 2 explodes on to the stage]

NARRATOR 2: Sunday Sunday Sunday! It’s extreme! See! Monster slaying action as the three-headed pig
battles the wolf-o-boot in a bone crushing cage match of death. They’ll huff and they’ll puff and they’ll
kick some iron!

[Narrator 1 looks at narrator 2]

NARRATOR 1: What we are going to do today –

NARRATOR 2:And the battle you’ve all been waiting for :Snow white vs Sleeping beauty in a mud
wrestling death match. Who’s the toughest of them all? With dwarf-tossing afterwards, chocking each
other –

NARRATOR 1: Okay, stop, we’re not doing that.

NARRATOR 2: I’M EXTREME!!

NARRATOR 1: No you’re not. Can we just do the show?

NARRATOR 2: Fine.

NARRATOR 1: This is the Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon!!

NARRATOR 2: That’s right. And what we are about to do today is going to blow up your mind. We are
about to attempt something so spectacular you’ll never be the same.

NARRATOR 1: If you need to go to the bathroom, go now and we’ll wait. We do not want accidents.

NARRATOR 2 : Now what about a little background to begin?

NARRATOR 2: The Brothers Grimm were brother named Grimm. They were the writers of the 209 fairy
tales of which some we know today –

NARRATOR 1: [ coughs and whispers, loud enough]They didn’t write them –

NARRATOR 2: The Brothers Grimm did not write the 209 fairy tales that we know today. They were
frauds. We should dig up their graves and spit on their corpses.

NARRATOR 1: No no. I’m saying that they were the collectors of the stories.

NARRATOR 2: Oh!! Never mind the last part.

ACTOR: Um.. Excuse me. I thought there was supposed to be catering back there.

NARRATOR 2: There’s like a pizza thing somewhere.

ACTOR: Where?

NARRATOR 2: I don’t know - in the back somewhere.

ACTOR: Is there anything to drink?

NARRATOR 2: No.

[Actor exits, annoyed]

NARRATOR 1: These actors are so insanely talented that-

ACTOR: I don’t see it.

NARRATOR 2: Do you see the radiator?

ACTOR: No! Oh wait! No.

NARRATOR 2: There’s probably sitting on it. Move them.

ACTOR: Oh! Here it is.

NARRATOR 1: Anyway, you all ready?

NARRATOR 2: I’m so excited I’m going to throw up. Does anybody have a hat? Nope? Excuse me then?

[Narrator 2 exits running excitedly]

NARRATOR 1: Well, I don’t know when he’s coming back…So sit back and watch. Once upon a
time,there was a girl who was raised by the wolves whose mother died in childbirth and she was
abandoned by her father who could spin straw into gold. There was a talking fox somewhere…..

[Narrator 2 returns]

NARRATOR 2: And she was beautiful –

NARRATOR 1: Because no one cares about ugly people.

NARRATOR 2: I care about ugly people.

NARRATOR 1: Well, no one cares about you. Anyway there was a girl.

[girl enters]

NARRATOR 2: And she was poor.

GIRL: Oh I am poor.

NARRATOR 1: She couldn’t even afford dirt.

GIRL: If only I knew where my father was who could spin straw into gold and talk to wolves and make
deals –

[Enchantress appears]

ENCHANTRESS : Excuse me- but I couldn’t help overhearing your tale of misery and woe. Tell ya what –
I will grant your heart’s desire if you give me one small thing.

GIRL: That sounds like a good bargain. You see, I won’t even ask what that thing is because I am so
innocent and trusting like the sylvan woods untouched like the pure snow melting for the poor which
has –

ENHANTRESS: I get it. [cuts her short] I vanish. [She exits]

GIRL: What a nice lady.

DEVIL: Hey there hot stuff. Oh wait, that’s me. Ha ha ha ha!!

GIRL: Are you a prince?

DEVIL: Of darkness. [laughs] Oh that’s a good joke. I’ve got to tell to the demons back home. [changing
expression] Anyway, I happened to hear your tale of misery and woe. And I’m here to help.

GIRL: Well, actually I just –

DEVIL: Just sign this one small contract and you shall have daughter so beautiful that everybody in the
world would wanna kiss her. But in a platonic way.

GIRL: That sounds like a good idea. You see because I’m so innocent and trusting that –

DEVIL : Just sign it.

[ she signs and the devil leaves. ]

GIRL: That was so…

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : Hello there!

GIRL : You’re hideous and deformed.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : Look I have a great bargain for you –

GIRL: My stomach recoils in horror as you approach.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : Yes I know but –

GIRL: Why had God’s creation been like this?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : Do you want to hear my offer or not?

GIRL: Yes go ahead. You’re probably trustworthy and I’m stupid and don’t judge people by their
appearances.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : I shall make you rich, rich beyond your wildest dream.

GIRL: Really? Because I have some pretty wild dreams.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : How wild?

[she whispers in his ear]

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : That’s messed up. Why do you even want that? Anyhow I can’t give you that but I’ll
something else for return.

GIRL: Sounds good.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : Don’t you want to know what it is?

GIRL: Nope. I trust you.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : Very well. [he leaves]

NARRATOR 1: So it was good day for the girl. She fell in love with a prince.

PRINCE1 : Hey, you’re beautiful!

GIRL : I am.

PRINCE1: Let’s get married.

GIRL: Rock on!

NARRATOR 1: Years passed and the daughter grew into a beautiful young teenager, Repunzel.

PRINCE 1:Seriuosly? We’re going with Repunzel? I liked Amber better.

GIRL: That was the name of your ex-girlfriend.

PRINCE 1: We were just friends.

GIRL: Oh yeah?

[Repunzel enters]

PRINCE 1: Are you going to wear your hair like that?

REPUNZEL: Don’t tell me what to do.

GIRL: Get ready for supper dear.

REPUNZEL: You don’t tell me what to do.

PRNCE 1: That’s no way to talk to your mother. She almost sold her soul to the devil just to have you.

REPUNZEL: I don’t care. I didn’t ask to be born. I’m going out.

GIRL: you are not, lady?

PRINCE 1: I’m not going to listen to this. I’m going to play golf. [he exits]

NARRATO1 : And just then.

ENCHANTRESS: I have returned

DEVIL: You’re time is up.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know I was just passing through the neighborhood and I was thinking that I
forgot something like 18 years ago and then I was like, oh yeah, I was supposed to get that thing from
the girl. And here I am.

GIRL: Fine, what do you want?

ENCHANTRESS, DEVIL AND RUMPELSTILTSKIN : Your daughter.

[They all look at each other. Then crowd around ]

ENCHANTRESS: Um, my deal first –

DEVIL: I’m the devil. No one gets to-

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : Well, there wouldn’t even be a child if I wasn’t there-

DEVIL: Everyone knows babies come from the devil

ENCHANTRESS: I saw her first. You can’t even think you’re going to get her-

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : I have magical powers. Do you have magical powers? I don’t think so.

Repunzel: STOP! Mom.

GIRL: What?

REPUNZEL: how many deals did you make ?

GIRL: Just three. Oh come on stop being so melodramatic. So you go with the devil –
DEVIL: See. I told ya.

GIRL: Or the other witch woman or the freaky ugly dwarf guy-

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : I f you can guess my b=name, I will release you from –

DEVIL: It’s RUMPELSTILTSKIN .

GIRL: RUMPELSTILTSKIN ?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : Ah. Dang it.

NARRATOR 1: And the little man stomped his feet so hard that they broke through the floor and when
he tried to pull them out, he broke in half.

[everyone looks at narrator 1]

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : Seriously? That’s how I die? I get my foot caught and break in half trying to get it
out?

NARRATOR 1: Yep.

DEVIL: Sucks to be you.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN : That’s got to be the stupidest way to die ever.

NARRATOR 2: Oh there are plenty of more stupid ways to die and we’ll get to them later. Anyway,
Rumpelstiltskin broke himself in half. [ to him] Do it!

[He does]

REPUNZEL : I’m not cleaning that up.

ENCHANTRESS: Now, that , that horrid little man is gone, I will take repunzel. [she grabs her]

DEVIL: Excuse me? I’m the devil.[he grabs her]

ENCHANTRESS: So?

DEVIL: Lord of darkness? All that? I think I’ve got a little bit more claim to this girl than some stupid little
witch.

ENCHANTRESS: ENCHANTRESS

DEVIL: Whatever. Witch.

ENCHANTRESS: I will cast a spell on you-

DEVIL: Bring it on. Let’s see what you’ve got.

[lets go of repunzel]

REPUNZEL: Mom, lets run now!!

GIRL: Quiet honey, I’m watching this. Go devil?

ENCHANTRESS: I CURSE YOU.

Devil: I CURSE YOU RIGHT BACK. You know what this is stupid. Tell ya, if you sign this contract here I’ll let
you have her.

ENCHANTRESS: That sounds like a plan.

[signs and devil goes.]

ENCHANTRESS: Well, come along repunzel. I built this great tower for you.

NARRATOR 2: So the ENCHANTRESS took repunzel and locked her in a high tower without stairs or
doors. As for the girl and her prince-

PRINCE 1: I’m back from my golf trip. What did I miss?

GIRL: The forces of darkness battled it out for our daughter’s soul.

PRINCE 1: Cool. You wanna go to London?

GIRL: Rock on!

[they exit]

NARRATOR 2: And the girl lived happily ever after. As for repunzel,

[She gets locked in a tower. ]

REPUNZEL: Ok, so I just sit in my tower right?

ENCHANTRESS: Right.

REPUNZEL: Why?

ENCHANTRESS: No reason. Probably I’m just bored.

REPUNZEL: Right.

ENCHANTRESS: I wrote a paper on the feminist interpretation in college and got a B+ because I was
discriminated. Now, my pretty you’re going to wait here until I come up with something original to do
with you. In the meantime, try these radioactive hair care products and see what happens. [she exits]

NARRATOR 2: So she was locked away-

REPUNZEL: That’s cool I’ve got my cell phone and –

NARRATOR 2: In a tower with no cell phone service.

REPUNZEL: NO….

NARRATOR 2: And her hair grew and grew. Mutated really. She became a mutant. Actually, if you’re into
comic books there’s this superheroine named Medusa who lived on the moon and can make her hair do
all this crazy stuff, like it reaches out and grabs people and smashes them in their face and tuff –

NARRATOR 1: You know this is why it’s you’re first performance ?

NARRATOR 2: Fine . Continuing…. And for no apparent reason the enchantress decided to use her hair
as a ladder.

[ENCHANTRESS RETURNS]

ENCHANTRESS: Repunzel! Let down your hair.

REPUNZEL: Why didn’t you build stairs?

ENCHANTRESS: My architect was drunk.

NARRATOR 2: So, up climed the enchantress.

[climbs ]

ENCHANTRESS: Would it hurt you to wash this? Hold still there’s a bird’s nest in here. Stop moving.
You’re ruining this for me.

[turnining to narrators]

Hey, umm. Hat is my motivation here?

NARRATOR 2: Doesn’t really say? [ looking in book]

ENCHANTRESS: You mean I locked this mutant chick up for no reason.

NARRATOR 2: Yeah there’s really no reason for it.

ENCHANTRESS: Alright. I think I’m just some kind of sadistic witch. Getting on with it, I’ve locked you
up in this tower, because .. because a woman’s place in a home or in a tower.

REPUNZEL: But I want a job.

ENCHANTRESS: Too bad. Do some house work.

REPUNZEL: There’s no furniture.

ENCHANTRESS: Make some. Good bye.

[enchantress descends.]

NARRATOR 1: But just at that moment, a prince happened to be wandering by.

PRINCE 2: You there. Up in the tower. Will you let down your hair for me?

REPUNZEL: I don’t let down my hair for anybody who’s riding along.

PRINCE 2: But. I’m very attractive.

REPUNZEL: ok then.

[he climbs]

PRINCE 2: Hello

REPUNZEL:Hello

[Silence]

PRINCE 2: So you come here often?

REPUNZEL:Yeah [Pause]

PRINCE 2: What do you like to do?

REPUNZEL: Sit here in the tower and comb my hair.

PRINCE 2: I think it’s going to rain today.

REPUNZEL: Me too. I didn’t mean the me too organization.

NARRAOR 2: Ok stop. What’s the problem?

PRINCE 2: We’ve nothing to talk about. What are we going to talk about? PolItics? I’ll say something
witty and then she’ll say she’s been locked in a tower for 9 years. And the I’ll talk about my intrigue at
court and she’ll say she’s been locked in a tower for 9 years.

REPUNZEL: I’ve been locked in a tower for 9 years.

NARRATOR 2: You fall in love at first sight.

PPRINCE 2: I’m just going on appearance here.

REPUNZEL: Shouldn’t we get to know each other first? I have a very detailed journal.

NARRATOR 1: Stop it. This is a fairy tale. We’re trying to get through them all. You fall in love at first
sight. Okay ? Bam!!!!
[look at each other ]

PRINCE 2: Not feeling it.

REPUNZEL: I want him to be taller.

NARRATOR 2: Bam!!!

[look at each other again.]

PRINCE 2: Nope. Still nothing.

REPUNZEL: Me neither.

NARRATOR 1: And they fell in love, but their time was short.

PRINCE 2: I must away.

REPUNZEL: Bye bye.

[prince 2 climbs down and rides back in his horse. Enchantress enters.]

ENCHANTRESS: Repunzel! Let down your hair!!

REPUNZEL: What am I? A ladder?

[Enchantress climbs]

ENCHANTRESS: Who was that?

REPUNZEL: Nobody.

ENCHANTRESS: Don’t lie to me. You just had a man over.

REPUNZEL: You’re being over-protective.

ENCHANTRESS: Am I?

NARRATOR 2: And the ENCHANTRESS takes a scissor and with two snips..

[Enchantress cuts off the hair.]

REPUNZEL: I’M BALD!!!!!!

[Repunzel gets pushed off the tower. And she exits.]

NARRATOR 1: But wouldn’t she die?

NARRATOR 2: Who cares? But she’s alive?

NARRATOR 1: How?

NARRATOR 2: I don’t know. Ask the book. Now coming back, I know what some of you out there are
thinking.

NARRATOR 1: She needed a haircut.

NARRATOR 2: You’re thinking : That was some pretty harsh parenting.

NARRATOR 1: She deserved it by the way, because I don’t like her.

NARRATOR 2: So, Repunzel, for no reason ended up in a desert, wandering here and there. Meanwhile,
in the tower the Enchatress stood waiting with Repunzel’s hair for the prince. The prince came along.

[Pause ]

He called out to her and the hair put down for him. When he climbed, he realized it wasn’t Repunzel
after all.

NARRATOR1: He was pushed down, had got his eyes pricked against his eyes and lost his sight. He
wandered along and runs into different things.

PRINCE 2: Sorry about that. Sorry. Pardon me. Ouch. Hope that’s not valuable. I didn’t mean to touch
you there.

NARRATOR 1: No problem.

Until he coincidently, wandered into the same desert Repunzel was. He ran into…. You guessed it.
Repunzel. And they meet and at the sight of her beloved, her tears drops into his eyes until he regains
his eyesight. And they live happily ever after.

[ The actors are supposed to act simultaneously with the narration above as quick as possible ]

NARRATOR 1: Moral of the story :

[pause ]

NARRATOR 2: Yeah the moral of the story is …………. [thinks and whispers” loudly” to narrator 1] What
did you put in the script?

NARRATOR 1: Oh! The moral of the story is that the patriarchy will stop at nothing to impose it’s evil
testosterone- centred world –view on the innocent pagan femininity of the other.

[short pause and both look at each other]

NARRATOR 2: That’s right. So let’s go back to that devil. His grandmother -

NARRATOR 1: The devil has a grandmother?

NARRATOR 2: Everyone has a grandmother. And you need to call yours.

NARRATOR 1 :Later. She’ll wait for me. And now for a special presentation – The devil’s Grandmother.

DEVIL’S GRANDMOTHER : My dear devil!! Come along.

DEVIL: Yes grandma!.

DEVIL’S GRANDMOTHER: Say, your horns are getting bigger.

DEVIL: I’m growing.

NARRATOR 1: As time passed,…

DEVIL: What has happened grandma?

THE DEVIL’S GRANDMOTHER: Do I know you?

[doctor enters]

DOCTOR: I’m afraid your grandmother has Alzheimer.

[Doctor leaves]

NARRATOR 1: So, they decided to go on one last road trip together.

THE DEVIL’S GRANDOMTHER: I always, wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Who are you again?

DEVIL: We’ll make it there. Even though I can’t legally drive.

THE DEVIL’S GRANMOTHER: Earthly laws have never stopped you. [After a pause]. Who are you again?

NARRATOR 1: And they reached their destination. The grandmother seem to enjoy herself very much.
But every story has its own sad point.

DEVIL: GRANDMA!!!

[doctor enters]

DOCTOR: She didn’t make it.

[Doctor leaves]

THE DEVIL: Why god why?

GOD: BECAUSE YOU’RE THE DEVIL AND I DON’T LIKE YOU. [off stage voice]

DEVIL: I hate you.

GOD: YEAH I KNOW THAT. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THAT? [off stage voice]
[doctor enters]

DOCTOR: Um.. Your grandmother didn’t have insurance, so I’m going to have to charge you her medical
bills. Three thousand dollars.

DEVIL: I curse you!

[Doctor leaves]

NARRATOR 1: And the doctor shrank and shrank until he became a dwarf and went to work in the
mines.

NARRATOR 2: And I’m back.

NARRATOR 1: But of course, we can’t really understand that story until we know where the devil’s
grandmother came from.

NARRATOR 2: Oh! So we have to fit that in?

NARRATOR 1: [nodding] Long before she was the devil’s grandmother, she was a girl.

NARRATOR 2 : That’s deep

[Little red enters]

NARRATOR 1: Anyway, once upon a time, Little red cap-

LITTLE RED: Little red cap?

NARRATOR 1: yeah.

LITTLE RED: Isn’t it little red riding hood?

NARRATOR 1: According to the book, it’s Little red cap. So you are. No more questions.

LITTLE RED: Fine. Jerk.

NARRATOR 1: What?

LITTLE RED: Nothing.

NARRATOR 1: So, the little red cap –

LITTLE RED : I’m off to give sweets to my grandmother.

GRANDMA: OH little red, little red. Grandma needs some sweets. Why aren’t you here with Grandma’s
sweets? I guess grandma has to starve to death and it will be your fault.

LITTLE RED: I’ll bring them

NARRATOR 2: OK. Now you people over there. Awake? Good. Here’s what we’re going to do. When I
point to you I want you to make a scary horror movie music sound like this. Ch-ch-ch-chc-chc-chc- ah-
ah-ah-ah-ah. Alright?

Now, you guys. You look a little smarter than those people over there. I’m sorry, but it’s true. You’re all
freaking genius. Now- when I point to you I want you to say, ”Don’t go in there.” And be loud please.
Okay?

Now, that group. What is a horror movie without heavy breathing right? When I point at you I want you
to voice out as if you’re all breathing heavily, like this.

NARRATOR1: And so The little red cap, goes into the wood.

LITTLE RED: I’m frightened.

AUDIENCE: CHCH

LITTLE RED: What was that?

AUDIENCE : Heavy breathing

[Wolf behind Little red]

LITTLE RED: I f I only could see what was going on.

AUDIENCE : CHHCHC AND HEAVY BREATHING.

LITTLE RED: Wait.

[she kicks]

WOLF: OH.

LITTLE RED: Make one move and I’ll blow your brains all over the forest floor, jerk! And look you’ve
gotten dirt on my shoe you [beep]

How about I [beep]

Your [beep]

Head off you [beep]

WOLF: Please don’t kill me. Can’t we just get along?

LITTLE RED: You’re not worth it.

NARRATOR 1: Back at Grandma’s house.

GRANDMA: Oh where are my glasses? Oh yeah here it is.

AUDIENCE: CHHCH

GRANDMA: What was that? Hello?

WOLF: Hello. I’d like to talk to you about my religion.

GRANDMA: Not interested.

WOLF: I’m selling magazines.’

GRANDMA: I don’t care.

[knock. Grandma opens the door. Wolf leaps on her. ]

WOLF: Die die die…

[Grandma overpowers and throws him down]

WOLF: Time out! Time out!

GRANDMA: Spawn of Satan, I will destroy you.

NARRATOR 2: And the wolf ate her.

GRANDMA: No he didn’t…. I just totally kicked his [beep]

NARRATOR 2: No,the wolf ate her.

GRANDMA: Fine.

[acts accordingly.]

NARRATOR2: The wolf dresses up as grandma waiting for little red.

After sometime,a knock on the door. And Little red appears.

AUIDENCE: DON’T GO IN THERE!!

LITTLE RED: Grandma, I bought you sweets.

WOLF: Come closer dear.

AUIDENCE: DON’T GO IN THERE!!

LITTLE RED: Grandma, why are you so out of order. You have hairs grown all over.

WOLF: All the better to eat you.

LITTLE RED: Aw…

NARRATOR 1: The Wolf ate her.

[The WOLF eats her]

WOLF: Well, there goes my meal. But Grandma was a bit stingy.

NARRATOR 2: And just then there happened to be a wood cutter passing through –

[woodcutter enters]

WOODCUTTER: A woodcutter!!

WOLF: A wolf!!!

[ sudden stop and everybody on stage looks at the woodcutter and the wolf. Then, both of them tries
to cover up.]

WOODCUTTER: A wolf!!

WOLF: A woodcutter!!

[Both of them enter in a fight, that ends up, in the wolf’s death.]

NARRATOR 2: And for no apparent reason, the woodcutter cuts open the Wolf’s stomach.

LITTLE RED: What’s up. [she emerges]

NARRATOR 1: And they fall in love.

LITTLE RED: I’m seven.

NARRATOR 1: Whoops… UM.

WOODCUTTER : That’s fine. Bang!! I’m meeting you after 11 years.

NARRATOR 1: And this ended in their marriage until they had a daughter who married a demon.

LITTLE RED: I don’t like demons.

NARRATOR 2: Better tell this to your daughter. She’s yours, not mine. Your mistake. And so their
daughter did marry a demon. I tell, you this is no good parenting.

NARRATOR 1: And they gave birth to a son, who was the Devil!! And that’s how Little red became The
devil’s grandmother.

NARRATOR 2: So tragic!!! [with tears in the eyes] So, to recap. [sudden change in expression]Okay,
now please listen carefully, I’ll only say it once, because it took me a lot of time to practice. [pause.
Takes a breath] Once, upon a time, there was a little girl who was eaten by a wolf, married a wood
cutter and had a daughter who married a demon who then gave birth to the devil, who cursed a doctor
until he became a dwarf. And the devil and the dwarf , along with the enchantress, made a series of
unfortunate deals with a girl who married a prince who had a daughter named Repunzel, who was taken
away by the enchantress, who had no reason to do so and was locked up in a tower, until she was
rescued by a prince.