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Knights of the TM

No.7
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN
Dinner Table
aww man, why you gotta take
it so PERSONAL???
YOU JERK!!! you just
wait till i get ressurected i’m just playing my charac-
buddy!!! you’re A DEAD ter. he’d kill his own mother
MAN!! you hear me??? for a RING OF
A DEAD MAN!! HEFTY-DAMAGE!!

“THE DICE MAN COMETH!!”


Knights of the

Dinner Table
KENZER & TM
COMPANY
Knights of the Dinner Table #7
“The Dice Man Cometh”
June, 1997
_______________
© Copyright 1997, Kenzer and
Company, All Rights Reserved.
Knights of the Dinner Table™
comic is published monthly by
Kenzer and Company.
Subscriptions: A one year
subscription (12 issues) is only
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To subscribe, send a check or
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“The Dice Man Cometh”
Kenzer and Company) to:
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By Jolly R. Blackburn
Suite 194, Palatine, IL 60067
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Back Issues: Back issues and
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Legal Notice: Knights of the
Dinner Table, Plays Well With
Others, SpaceHack, KODT, Hack
Master, Gary Jackson Files, the
Kenzer and Company Logo, and OKAY, SO WHAT YOU ARE ASKING IS IF YOUR CHARACTER SURVIVES A
all prominent characters and POINT BLANK BLAST OF FIRE BREATH IN THE FACE
likenesses thereof are trademarks WHICH CAUSES HIM TO STUMBLE BACKWARDS OFF A 300 FOOT
of Kenzer and Company. CLIFF LANDING IN A POOL OF MOLTEN LAVA?
Mailing Address: Kenzer and
Company, 1935 S. Plum Grove
well....yeah. does he yeah. sometimes
Road, Suite 194, Palatine, IL
survive? don’t forget i’m death can be
60067. Phone/fax: (847) 397- well we just
wearing +1 ARMOR. staring you in the
2404. lost our sassy- face and you just
Internet: JollyRB@aol.com halfing thief. don’t see it. (sigh)
(editorial inquiries only) or DAMN DUDE!!!
KenzerCo@aol.com (non-KODT SORRY!
you were robbed!
YOUR ONE
inquiries only). World Wide Web:
DEAD-PUPPY.
http//members.aol.com/relkin/ken
zerco.html
Submissions: We accept
submissions for strip ideas, jokes,
cartoons, etc. We are interested in
running anything that other
gamers and fans would enjoy.
Send an SASE for writer
guidelines.
Editorial of a Madman
D
ice! Gamers love ‘em. Most of us show up roll all the dice several times, eliminating those which
at the gaming table with bulging dice bags. rolled low numbers. He would continue the process
CRIES FROM THE ATTIC
Bags stuffed with more dice than we could until all the dice had been eliminated but one. Then he
possibly use in a single session. Take AD&D for would make his ‘official’ roll using that die.
example. Depending on your character class, a player 2. Preparation. After selecting the proper dice for the
needs a pair of twenty siders, a few six siders, and required roll, many gamers feel the need to ‘prep’
possibly a four, eight and twelve sider just in case. their dice. Using various techniques, to prep the dice,
We’re talking 7 to ten dice in our arsenal. Last count, the gamer hopes to boost the luck of the dice for a
I had 78 dice in my dice bag. Most gamers I know more favorable outcome. Prepping techniques
average around fifty. include, but are not limited to, any combination of the
Face it! Gamers love dice. While attending the
following; blowing on the dice, talking to the dice
GAMA trade show recently, I was talking to a dice
(come on baby, high numbers, high numbers), rubbing
manufacturer and he commented how dice
consistently sell very well regardless of how the rest the dice vigorously between the palms, prolonged
of the industry is doing. rattling of the dice in a closed fist, etc.
Well, that got me thinking about dice in general 3. The Roll. The roll is defined as the period of time
and our love-affair with them. I thought I’d share the dice leaves the player’s hands and come to a
some of my observations. complete rest. This is where many gamers differ on
what constitutes a legitimate roll and what voids a roll
The Process of Rolling Dice. (in which case the dice must be rerolled).
Every gamer has his or her own approach when it Most groups have house rules which all players
comes to rolling the dice. Some gamers take it in have agreed to comply with. Some groups consider a
stride, content with tossing the dice and accepting the roll to be void if it leaves the table or playing surface.
results. Most gamers, however, myself included, take Other groups consider all rolls valid including those
our dice-rolling very serious. For us, the act of rolling on the floor, in the pizza, in a cup of soda, etc.
the dice is crucial - the one aspect of the game where I once played with a group in South Carolina that
‘we’ can directly influence the outcome of the game. had a special ‘cat clause’. If the family cat intercepted
The more energy and focus we put into the process of the dice during a roll the cat was allowed to play with
rolling the dice, we convince ourselves, the better our the dice until he was bored and broke his attack. The
chances of success. It’s the uncertainty of how the results of the abandoned dice were considered
dice will land after they tumble across the table that
official.
get’s our adrenaline flowing. It’s why we come back
week after week. Well, there’s my thoughts on dice. Just one more
Over the years I’ve watched hundreds of gamers at example of what happens when a writer sits down to
the table. It seems every individual has his or her finish a column before deadline and his mind goes
own technique for tossing the dice. blank. Thank goodness I saw fit to subtitle this
1. Selection. Selecting the proper dice is almost a column, Editorial of a Madman. A license to ramble
science in itself for many gamers. I know of one and rave if ever I saw one.
player who assigns a specific die for specific tasks. A Good Gaming!
metal flaked tensider for backstabbing attacks. A
gold-plated metal twenty sider for saving throws, etc.
A player I met in Germany used to pull out every die Jolly R. Blackburn
from his bag of the type he needed to roll. He would April 28, 1997
YOU JERK!!! YOU GET YOUR BUTT BACK IN THAT DUNGEON AND I WANT ALL MY MAGIC ITEMS
AND RETRIEVE OUR BODIES!!! I’M WARNING YOU, BOB!! BACK!!! OR THEY’LL BE HELL TO
GO BACK THERE AND GET US RESURRECTED!!!! PAY I GUARANTEE IT!!

BOB YOU SHOULD


HEY EINSTEIN, I’M CHAOTIC EVIL RECONSIDER. I’M AFRAID IT’S
REMEMBER???? I’M JUST PLAYING MY GOING TO GET UGLY!
ALIGNMENT!!! SUCK IT UP!!!
Our Readers Talk Back!

TABLE TALK: READER MAIL


Dear KODT, super-hero genre would be a great change of pace.
I love The Gary Jackson Files!! I was pleasantly
surprised to see it as part of the offering in KODT#4. Will Troy Brewer
GJF be part of the regular line-up in the comic book?? Internet Email
Keep up the good work!!
Edmund Stiles Oh yes, to be sure there the group will be donning
Internet Email capes and tights in an upcoming issue and fighting
crime. A lot of readers have sent in their ideas for
Thanks for the letter Edmund. Tough question. We are super-hero strips.
waiting for more feedback from our fans before deciding While I’m on the subject, I’d like to urge our readers
on whether or not to make GJF a regular feature in the to send in their ideas for strips on any genre. You don’t
comic book. The reason being - the Gary Jackson Files have to write out an entire strip. Sometimes just a kernel
was created to spoof the gaming industry itself. There is of an idea is enough to run with.
some concern that the insider jokes and humor will be lost JRB
to those not intimately involved with the business of making
or selling games.
The strip has been running in The Familiar for the past
year and seems to be doing well. While GJF will probably
make an appearance here and there in upcoming issues of
KODT it won’t become a regular feature unless readers
demand it. GOT SOMETHING TO SAY??? HUH???
JRB YOU CAN WRITE TO US VIA EMAIL AT
JOLLYRB@AOL.COM!!
Dear KODT, OR YOU CAN SEND YOUR SNAIL MAIL TO
I was wondering if HackMaster, the role-playing game KODT LETTERBOX 1003 MONROE PIKE
was ever going to come out as a real product. I’ve been MARION, IN 46953
hearing rumors that you are planning on doing so.
Tony Long
Internet Email

As a matter of fact we just recently contracted, Paul


Lidberg of Crunchy Frog Enterprises to write the
HackMaster rules. Don’t hold me to it, but we are looking
at a GENCON 97 release.
I won’t give away too many details here, but the game
will definitely be a beer-and-pretzel game with heavy focus
on hack-and-slash and staying true to the KODT spirit.
More details will probably appear in next month’s issue.
JRB

Dear KODT,
Any plans on doing a super-hero issue? I think it would
be hilarious to have the group creating there super-personas
and secret identities. Maybe Bob could be Rat Boy! And
Dave could be Surfer-Dude. Just a thought. I think the

COME HANG OUT WITH


US ON THE GREAT
INFORMATION HIGHWAY!!
HEY HACK-JOCKIES!!!!
VISIT OUR WEBSITE!!!
HTTP//MEMBERS.AOL.COM/RELKIN/KENZERCO.HTML
If you’re on AOL check out the Knights
of the Dinner Table Forum.
(go keyword GCS. Click on Publications and
then enter the KODT Folder)
Five Green Towels Story suggested by Brian Jelke

OKAY, YOU’VE JUST REACHED WHY YEAH ESPECIALLY INCLUDING DAVE’S HENCHMEN!! WHICH I
THE FIFTH LEVEL OF THE BOTHER?? YOU SINCE WE FOUND THAT STILL THINK IS CRUEL AND CONSTITUTES
DEATH-WEAVER’S KNOW DAMN WELL BAG OF HEFTY- AN ALIGNMENT INFRACTION!!
INFERNAL HALLS WE’RE GONNA TAKE CAPACITY!!
ALL THE GOOD BUT WE NEEDED A FULL TIME INVENTORY
OF DREAD. THERE’S GOING WE’VE GOT A LOT OF
STUFF WE FIND. AND SUPPLY CREW IN THERE SARA TO
TO BE A LOT OF STUFF ON THIS CRAP IN THERE. KEEP THE BOOKS STRAIGHT. WE ROTATE
LEVEL - YOU MAY WANT TO
THEM EVERY SIX WEEKS SO WHERE’S THE
START A LIST!!
CRUELTY??

WELL, I’M JUST SUGGESTING OH DON’T EVEN GO THERE, NO....WE ALL AGREED THAT WE
KEEPING A LIST SO WE DON’T MISPLACED??? DUDE. I THOUGHT WE ALL SHOULD PLANT THAT SWORD IN
HAVE A REPEAT OF THAT MISPLACED??? AGREED THAT SOMEONE YOUR BACK!!
RIOT WE HAD LAST SUMMER ARE YOU FORGETTING PLANTED THAT
OVER THAT MISPLACED +1 WHERE WE FOUND THAT SWORD IN MY BACKPACK!! B.A. DOES HAVE A GOOD POINT. WE
SWORD!! SWORD?? HUH?? MIGHT AS WELL TAKE EVERYTHING ON
THIS LEVEL!! WE HAVE PLENTY OF
ROOM IN THE BAG. I’LL DO THE LIST.

THERE! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?? JUST YOU BETTER SORRY, B.A. YOU ASKED FOR IT.
MAKE SURE YOU DON’T LEAVE A SINGLE THING OUT B.A.!!! SHARPEN A FEW
WE’RE GOING TO TAKE ANYTHING THAT’S NOT NAILED DOWN!! EXTRA PENCILS,
BRIAN. WE’RE TAKING
YEAH, YEAH, DON’T
THE FURNITURE TOO!!
GROOOOAAANNNN!!! YOU’RE SERIOUS SWEAT IT. I’M READY.
AREN’T YOU??? YOU’RE ACTUALLY LET’S GAME.
GOING TO STRIP DOWN THE
DUNGEON JUST BECAUSE YOU
HAVE THAT STUPID MAGIC BAG??

4
LATER.... KEEP IT COMING B.A. DON’T LEAVE A SINGLE (YAWN) DON’T YOU THINK WE’RE OVER-
THING OUT. WE’RE TAKING IT ALL!! REACTING GUYS? A DIRTY HANDKERCHIEF??
OKAY IN THIS ROOM IS A COME ON - THIS IS JUST STANDARD
PILE OF BROKEN GLASS, DUNGEON DRESSING.
A CHAIR WITH A LEG BRIAN YOU GETTING
MISSING, THE SKELETON ALL THIS??? DON’T FORGET .....ONE CAT SKELETON (SCRIBBLE
OF A DEAD CAT, A DIRTY THOSE TOE-NAIL CLIPPINGS. THEY SCRIBBLE), ONE HANDKERCHIEF-SOILED
HANDKERCHIEF, TWO MAY BE RELICS OR SOMETHING. YOU (SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE), TWO SILVER COINS
SILVER COINS, SOME NEVER KNOW. (SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE)....
TOE-NAIL CLIPPINGS IN A
SILVER TRAY....

LATER STILL
(YAWN) WELL, IT MAY BE TEDIOUS BUT IT BRIAN, YOU OKAY?? WANT ME TO
WILL ALL BE WORTH IT IN THE END. WE TAKE OVER??
OKAY IN THIS ROOM THERE'S A
CAN SIT BACK IN TOWN AND RELAX
WARDROBE, A NIGHT TABLE, A DRESSER HUH??? UH NO SARA. I MIGHT AS
LATER WHILE WE SORT IT ALL OUT.
WITH FIVE GREEN TOWELS IN IT. WELL PUSH ON THROUGH!!
THERE’S A QUILT, A BROKEN
(YAWN) MAN, I HAD NO IDEA THERE
HAIRBRUSH, A BROOCH, A PAIR OF FIVE GREEN TOWELS
WOULD BE SO MUCH STUFF.
SLIPPERS, A MATTED RUG, A BED, TWO (SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE)...
PILLOWS, A PAIR OF DIRTY SOCKS.....

MUCH LATER... (SIGH) 16,123 GOLD, 25,228 SILVER, ARE YOU GETTING ALL THIS
50,006 COPPER. FOUR LONG SWORDS, BRIAN??? 16,123 GOLD, 25,228
YOU FINALLY REACH THE SILVER, 50,006 COPPER....
DEATH-WEAVER’S HEY, HEY, HOLD ON TWO JEWELED CROWNS, A RING OF
TREASURE ROOM. AMONG THERE TONTO. TAKE IT GIANT MIGHT, 65 RUBIES...
THE THOUSANDS OF COINS FROM THE TOP. EXACTLY HOODY WHOOO!!! TWO JEWELED CROWNS
ARE DOZENS OF WEAPONS, HOW MANY COINS??? WE’VE HIT THE MOTHER (SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE)...
VIALS AND..... BREAK THEM DOWN THE LODE BOYS!!!
TYPE AND VALUE.

5
TWO HOURS LATER.. WELL I WAS HOPING TO WAIT. BUT
COME ON B.A.!!!
IT’S GROUP POLICY!! WE IF YOU GUYS WANT TO DO IT
WAIT?? I TONIGHT, I SUPPOSE I’M GAME.
WHEW!! YOU’RE FINALLY DON’T THINK SO.
ALWAYS SPLIT UP
BACK IN TOWN. I GUESS WE CAN TREASURE AND EP’S
I WANT MY TAKE
JUST WAIT TIL NEXT WEEK FOR BEFORE GOING HOME.
NOW!! OKAY LET’S GO DOWN THE LIST.
YOU GUYS TO SPLIT UP THE
SPOILS. SO DON’T FORGET TO.... BOB, YOU HAVE FIRST PICK!!
PASS THE LIST DOWN TO BOB.

I WAS AFRAID SOMEONE ELSE


WELL, I’LL TAKE THE WOULD PICK THE GREAT HELM. AND I’LL BE TAKING
HMMMM....OH YEAH!!! I’LL BE TAKING THAT. MARK
COME TO PAPA!!! I’LL BE MATCHED JEWELED THE BAG OF
DAGGERS. SCRATCH THROUGH THAT ONE!! SCROLLS.
TAKING THE MAGIC
SHIELD!!!!! (SCRATCH) THOSE OFF THE LIST.

ONE HOUR LATER.. FINALLY!!! I CAN’T


BELIEVE WE’RE
GEE, THE LIST IS HMMMM...WHAT’S LEFT??? FINALLY DONE.
PRETTY MUCH PICKED I GUESS I’LL TAKE THE FIVE
THROUGH. NOT MUCH GREEN TOWELS. FIVE GREEN
LEFT. I’LL TAKE THE TOWELS??? DOES
TOE-NAIL CLIPPINGS IN THAT COUNT AS FIVE
THE SILVER TRAY! PICKS OR JUST ONE???

6
WHO THE HELL OKAY, I’LL TAKE THE RING OF GIANT
CARES BRIAN?? MIGHT. GUESS WE’RE ALL DONE.
THERE’S NOTHING LEFT ON
THE LIST.
YEP!!! TIME TO HIT
THE PUB DUDE!!! ???

RING??? I’M DRAWING MY HEY, I PICKED IT FAIR AND


WHAT...... MAN, I HACKMASTER +12!!! I SQUARE. IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU
COMPLETELY FORGOT SMELL A GUYS CAN’T READ PLAIN
ABOUT THAT. THIEVIN-RAT!! ENGLISH!!!
LET ME SEE THAT LIST,
BRIAN. I DON’T
REMEMBER SEEING THE
HEY??? I
RING EITHER!
DON’T RECALL
SEEING IT
ON THE LIST!!

WELL DUH!!!
?
LOOK AT HOW SMALL ?? HUH?
IT’S WRITTEN - I CAN S O M E OF THIS TTT!!!
NT F
BARELY READ IT. AND YOU WA MMRRPF NO F
M M
IT’S WRITTEN ON THE H U NO F OUR S
OUR IDER
BACK OF THE SHEET SIDE S!!
IN THE BOTTOM RS!!
CORNER. WELL...HERE WE UMM
GO AGAIN. (SIGH) MM
MFF
NO WONDER FFF!!
!
WE MISSED
IT.

7
A Call For Heroes
OKAY, AS YOU REACH THE CREST OF THE HILL YOU KRANDANEER??? I HEY, I THINK YOU’RE RIGHT!!! HE WAS THE
BEHOLD THE BEAUTIFUL SIGHT OF THE VALLEY REMEMBER THAT STINK- ROTTEN BASTARD WHO
NADRA-GUARD STRETCHING OUT BEFORE HOLE!!!! I SWORE I’D NEVER WOULDN’T PAY US THE REWARD WHEN
YOU. NESTLED IN THE BASE OF THE VALLEY IS THE SET FOOT IN THAT CITY WE BROUGHT BACK THE PRINCESS
LARGE IMPERIAL CITY OF KRANDANEER!! AGAIN!!! THEIR KING
EVEN FROM THIS DISTANCE YOU CAN SEE THE IS A JERK!!
I DON’T REMEMBER ANYTHING
MAGNIFICENT WHITE-MARBLE SPIRES OF THE LIKE THAT HAPPENING!
IMPERIAL PALACE.

IT WAS BEFORE YOUR TIME SARA. THIS VALLEY WAS THE I’M SORRY I MISSED IT!! IT SOUNDS
SITE OF ONE OF OUR GREATEST ADVENTURES. AN OGRE LIKE IT WAS A GREAT ADVENTURE. BUT.....WHY WOULDN’T
TRIBE HAD KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS THE KING PAY YOU THE REWARD??
GLADREE !! THE KING OFFERED 10,000 GOLD PIECES TO
ANYONE WHO RETURNED HER!! IT WAS THAT STUPID PRINCESS!!! SHE
TOLD HER DAD THAT WE HAD TREATED
SO WE ARMED HER.....UH, WHAT WAS IT SHE CALLED IT?? WE ENDED UP
OURSELVES TO THE HAVING TO FIGHT
GILLS, WENT DEEP INTO CRUEL AND OUR WAY OUT OF
THE HEART OF OGRE INHUMANE!! THAT THE CITY
COUNTRY AND BROUGHT WENCH COST US TEN G’S!!!
THE PRINCESS HOME!!

CRUEL AND INHUMANE? WHY OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! YOU GUYS
WOULD SHE SAY THAT? SURE HAVE SELECTIVE MEMORY. YOU TREATED THE
PRINCESS LIKE A PACK MULE!!!!
SHE WAS A SPOILED
BITCH THAT’S WHY!! WE SHOULD
HAVE LEFT HER
YEAH, WE SAVED HER LIFE WITH THE
AND SHE GAVE US NOTHING OGRES!! AND DID YOU FORGET
BUT GRIEF ON THE TRIP BACK DAVE HOLDING HER
TO KRANDANEER!! WHILE BRIAN
SLAPPED HER
AROUND??

8
HEY, THE CHICK HAD A 12 STRENGTH!!! ALL WE YEAH, AND WE GAVE HER ONLY FORTY SLAPS?? GEE YOU DIDN’T
ASKED HER TO DO WAS TO CARRY HER FORTY SLAPS FOR SHAVE HER HEAD AND BRAND “SLACKER”
MAXIMUM ENCUMBRANCE FALLING ASLEEP WHILE SHE ON HER FOREHEAD LIKE YOU DID TO
ABILITY JUST LIKE THE REST OF US!!! THERE WAS ON GUARD KNOBBY FOOT THAT ONE TIME??
WAS NO WAY WE WERE LEAVING THE DUTY!!!! THAT’S THE
JEWELED OGRE THRONE BEHIND!! STANDARD WE WERE GOING TO BUT THE
PUNISHMENT!! SASSY-WENCH GROIN KICKED ME
AND CLIMBED A TREE.

OH AND LET’S NOT FORGET THE LEATHER THONG WELL THE BOTTOM LINE IS I THINK I’VE HEARD ENOUGH. B.A.,
AND CHAINMAIL BRA YOU MADE HER WEAR. THAT WE SAVED HER CAN WE MOVE ON WITH THE GAME?
SHE WAS HUMILIATED!!! LIFE AND SHE TRIED TO
GET US THROWN IN YEAH,
THE DUNGEON!! LET’S GET
BUT WE EXPLAINED THAT!!! IT WAS FOR
HER OWN PROTECTION SO NO ONE ON WITH
WOULD KNOW SHE WAS THE PRINCESS!!! IT!!

OKAY, AS YOU MOVE UH-OH!!! LOOKS LIKE THERE’S TROUBLE GUYS, THE TOLLING OF BELLS CAN MEAN GOOD
TOWARD THE CITY YOU AFOOT! I BET THE OGRES ARE CAUSING NEWS AS WELL AS BAD. MAYBE WE SHOULD
SUDDENLY HEAR THE PROBLEMS AGAIN!! INVESTIGATE BEFORE REACTING!!!
TOLLING OF HUNDREDS
OF CITY BELLS!!! PULLING OUT MY I DUNNO!! I GOT A BAD FEELING
HACKMASTER +12 ABOUT THIS!! THE CITY IS IN SOME KIND
HERE!! OF DANGER - I KNOW IT!

9
EVIL I’M AVERTING MY WAIT!!! IDIOTS!!!
AS YOU NEAR THE CITY YOU
TEMPTRESSES!!!!! EYES AS I TRY TO CAN’T YOU SEE THAT THESE ARE TWO
ARE APPROACHED BY TWO
I WASTE THEM DECAPITATE THEM. INNOCENT WOMEN??
WOMEN WHO ARE WEEPING
WITH MY COVER ME
WITH APPARENT JOY!!!
CROSS-BOW!!! THEY BOB!!!
HAAAA!!!! YOU WON’T SAY THAT
THEY PLACE WREATHS OF WHEN THEY TURN YOU INTO A
MUST BE SOME HORRID
FRESH-CUT FLOWERS PILLAR OF SALT OR TRANSMUTE
FORM OF SUCUBUSS !!
AROUND YOUR NECKS AND YOU IN STONE!!! I’M COVERING MY
KISS YOU ON EYES AS WELL B.A.!!
THE CHEEKS.

HA!! AND I ROLLED BUT...BUT


AS YOU BEGIN TO ATTACK AAAAAAHHH!!! SHE’S
A NATURAL ... (MOAN)
ONE OF THE WOMEN CASTING SOME SORT OF
SCREAMS AND FALLS TO SPELL FROM SCROLL. I TWENTY!! THE I’M GUARDING OUR
HER KNEES. SHE PEPPER HER WITH OTHER SUCUBUS’ BACKS!!! THERE MAY
FRANTICALLY HOLDS UP A BOLTS-OF- HEAD DROPS TO THE BE MORE OF THEM IN
SCROLL TOWARD YOU AND SLAYING!!!! GROUND!!! THE AREA!!
BEGS YOU TO READ...

AS THE WOMEN LIE BLEEDING SO THAT’S IT!!! THE EVIL WE’D BETTER HEAD OH, I HOPE YOU TWO GET JUST WHAT YOU
AT YOUR FEET YOU NOTICE SUCUBUSSES WERE FOR THE PALACE. I DESERVE. REWARD???? HMMMRRRFFF!!!
THE SCROLL IS ACTUALLY A PLOTTING TO KIDNAP THE BET WE GET
HANDBILL!! IT READS, NEW PRINCESS!!! REWARDED FOR THIS.
THANK GAWD WE WERE YOU KNOW, IT’S THIS KIND OF
“JOYUS NEWS!!!! GOOD WORK
HERE TO THWART THEIR HEROIC STUFF THAT
THE KING AND QUEEN OF BOB!!!
EVIL PLAN!!!! KEEPS ME COMING BACK TO THE
KANDANEER GIVE BIRTH TO A
GAME OVER AND OVER. (SIGH).
HAPPY BABY GIRL!!!!
MORONS!!!

10
The Lord of Steam
WELL GUYS, I’LL BE AT THE THIS IS WELL WE STILL HAVE SEVEN
WHAT?? WE DON’T HAVE TERRIBLE!! THIS DAYS TO FIND A STAND-IN
HACKMASTER
A GM WHILE YOU’RE GONE?? IS ALMOST AS BAD AS GAMEMASTER BEFORE B.A.
ACADEMY OF
NOT ACCEPTABLE!! THE GREAT DICE LEAVES.
GAMEMASTERS FOR
WHAT IN THE HELL ARE WE SHORTAGE OF
THE NEXT FOUR WEEKS. AS YOU
SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT A 1985!! YEAH, BUT A QUALIFIED,
KNOW, WIERD PETE WAS
GM?? HUH?? SEASONED HACKMASTER
SUPPOSED TO SIT IN AS
REFEREE WHO MEETS OUR
GAMEMASTER WHILE I WAS
HIGH STANDARDS???
GONE BUT HE HAD TO BAIL
AT THE LAST MOMENT.

HEY, I’M NOT GOING TO LET YOU OH GAWD, YOU THERE ARE SOME OH GUYS, YOU SHOULD WELCOME THE
DOWN. I HAVE A FEW FEELERS POSTED AT WIERD STRANGE FRINGE- CHANCE TO BECOME ACQUAINTED WITH
OUT AND I’VE POSTED A NOTICE PETE’S?? I CAN GROUPS POPPING UP THE VARIOUS ROLE-PLAYING SYSTEMS
DOWN AT WIERD PETE’S JUST IMAGINE WHAT OUT THERE. AND APPROACHES OUT THERE.
GAME STORE. I’M SURE KIND OF VERMIN WILL GOTH-
COME OUT OF THE YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO
SOMEONE WILL COME FORWARD. FREAKS!!
BUSHES.. (SHUDDER) DAVE WHEN HE JOINED THAT
DICELESS-
VAMPIRE GROUP THAT POSTED A
JUNKIES!!
NOTICE AT WIERD PETE’S??*

THE FOLLOWING WEEK... I’M SURE B.A. TRIED HIS BEST TO


FIND A REPLACE.........
THE BASTARD!!! HE’S UP IN SAGINAW WITH HIS
WELL? IT’S 7:45 AND NO GAMEMASTER BUDDIES KNEE DEEP IN NEVER-STOP SESSIONS
GAMEMASTER!!! OF HACKMASTER AND WE’RE SITTING HERE SSSHHHHHH!!!! I THINK I
I CAN’T BELIEVE B.A. TWIDDLING OUR DICE AND STARING AT THE WALL. HEAR SOMEONE AT THE DOOR!
LET US DOWN. MAYBE B.A. FOUND SOMEONE
THIS REALLY AFTER ALL...
SUCKS!!

*See KODT Issue 2: Lords of Darkness


11
OKAY MY LITTLE DICE-FREAKS!!! NITRO THE MISTRO OF
YOU CAN CALM DOWN NOW, THE ROLE-PLAYING AT YOUR SERVICE.
LORD OF STEAM HAS ARRIVETH!!

NITRO!!!!
NO....NO!!!! THAT
VOICE!!! THIS
CAN’T BE. IT’S....IT’S.....
NORMALLY I’M ALL
BOOKED UP AS FAR AS
RUNNING GAMES, BUT
MOST OF THE FOLKS IN
MY REGULAR GROUP ARE
STILL IN QUARANTINE.

QUAR..QUAR.. (GULP) UH..YEAH, HARD FEELINGS???


QUARANTINE? WHO KNOWS?. TYPHOID, THIS IS WHERE I TOWARD BOB?? HELL NO!! I ADMIRE
WHAT FOR?? MALARIA, ONE OF HANG MY DICE-BAG. A MAN WHO DOESN’T TOLERATE OTHERS
THOSE FESTERING JUNGLE SCREWING AROUND WITH HIS DICE.
BUGS, YA KNOW?? MY LAST I HOPE THERE
BLINDING ME WITH SALT BEFORE HE
STEAM-TUNNEL FORAY AREN’T ANY
SUCKER PUNCHED ME* SAVED HIS
WAS A DISASTER. HARD FEELINGS
ASS. ANYTHING LESS AND I WOULD’VE
NITRO. HUH??
UH....SAY, BOB! I BROKEN HIM IN TWO AND STUFFED THE
DIDN’T KNOW PIECES IN HIS DICE BAG.
YOU WERE “NEVER FAULT AN
PART OF THIS ENEMY FOR
GROUP. EXPLOITING A
WEAKNESS”, AS
ROMMELL
ONCE SAID, “LEARN
FROM IT AND
MOVE ON.”

YEAH, EXACTLY!!! .MOVE ON. THAT’S WHAT I LIKE TO AWESOME!!! BOB THIS BOB, IN CASES LIKE THIS, A REALLY
PRACTICE. WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE. ANCIENT HISTORY. IS LIKE LOOKING YOUR SINCERE APOLOGY GOES A LONG WAY.
EXECUTIONER IN THE FACE NITRO’S EGO IS BRUISED. YOU DID
WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE?? YEAH, HUH?? OR MAYBE IT’S MORE ASSAULT HIM IN FRONT OF HIS PEERS.
RIGHT!!! LIKE A COVERT SEAL- LIKE SEEING THE BULLET
COMMANDO TEAM WADING UNDER THE WITH YOUR NAME ON IT APOLOGIZE??? FOR
BRIDGE YOU MEAN. I’M GONNA POP UP WHEN YOU BEFORE IT’S FIRED INTO CRYING OUT LOUD SARA, WHEN
LEAST EXPECT IT AND NUKE YOUR YOUR SKULL. WILL IT SINK IN?? THE MAN
COWARDLY PUNK-BUTT WHEN YOU TOUCHED HIS DICE!!!
LEAST EXPECT IT. BUT NOT HERE!!!! THE
GAMING TABLE IS NEUTRAL TERRITORY.

* See KODT#6: The Safety Lecture


12
I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE APOLOGETIC. THEY’RE NOTHING BUT YEAH!!! STUPID KID’S STUFF!!! WE WERE
WEAK-KNEED COWARDS!! HELL, WE CAME TO GAME WEANED ON THAT CRAP YEARS AGO!! YOU’RE
DIDN’T WE?? SO LET’S GET TO IT. FOR YOUR GAMING- DEALING WITH REAL ROLE-PALYERS HERE.
ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT I’VE SELECTED MODULE K-12,
TEMPLE OF THE LEECH-MEN! OH GAWD! I HAVEN’T SEEN A COPY INSULTING!!
MODULE K-112?? YOU GOT OF THAT MODULE FOR YEARS. THAT’S
TO BE KIDDING!! THE K-SERIES YOU ARE KIDDING AREN’T YOU?? WHAT IT IS.
ARE FOR 1ST TO 4TH LEVEL
ADVENTURERS!!

AAAH, BUT MY LITTLE YOUR RULES?? OH YES, I’D ALMOST FORGOTTEN. YOU LOVE TO RE-
DICE FREAKS!!! WE ARE WRITE THE RULEBOOKS DON’T YOU NITRO?? WELL WE THINK HACKMASTER
PLAYING BY MY RULES WAS MEANT TO BE PLAYED EXACTLY THE WAY GARY WROTE IT!
TONIGHT! AND I’VE BESIDES, PAGE 278, COLUMN TWO,
TOTALLY REVAMPED YEAH!!! HOME-BREWED
RULES SUCK!!! WE PARAGRAPH FOUR, OF THE HACKMASTER
MODULE K12 WITH MY YEAH!!! WHAT GM’S GUIDE SPECIFICALLY STATES, “NO
OWN SPECIAL TWISTS PLAY BY THE RULES OR WE HE SAID!!
DON’T PLAY AT ALL. RULE SHALL BE ALTERED!!””
AND MODIFICATIONS!! (HHMMRRFF)

HOW FOOLISH OF ME. I’D FORGOTTEN THAT THIS SOCIALLY-RETARDED LITTLE GROUP OF INTROVERTS HAS
BEEN SUBJECTED TO THE FOLLOW-THE-LEADER HOGSLOP THAT B.A. FELTON ADHERES TO. YOU POOR
SAPS!!! YOU SIMPLY CAN’T UNDERSTAND CAN YOU? REAL POWER COMES FROM MASTERING THE RULES
- NOT LETTING THE RULES MASTER YOU!!!
AND THAT’S WHY YOU WERE BARRED
IF YOU AREN’T PLAYING BY FROM RUNNING SANCTIONED
YEAH, WHAT WITHOUT RULES YOU
THE RULES - YOU AREN’T HACKMASTER TOURNEY’S NITRO!! YOU
HE SAID!! HAVE CHAOS!!!
PLAYING HACKMASTER!! CAN’T HANDLE THE RULES!!
THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

13
FOOLS!!! YOU’RE REASONING FROM A POSITION OF FEAR!!! YOU CLING TO AN OBSELETE, ANTIQUATED RULE
SYSTEM WHICH HAMPERS, EVEN DIMINISHES THE QUALITY OF ROLE-PLAY THAT YOU CRAVE SO MUCH. YOU CLING TO YOUR CUMBERSOME
RULES BECAUSE YOU’RE AFRAID!!! AND YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CONDEM THOSE WHO BOLDLY PUSH THE ROLE-PLAYING ENVELOPE
TO THE EDGE. I OFFER YOU THE ULTIMATE ADVENTURE BUTYOUR LACK OF COURAGE BETRAYS YOU. (SIGH).

THAT’S THE OBSELETE,?


WHO’S AFRAID??? YEAH! BRING IT ON HOT-SHOT!! ANTIQUATED? THE
SPIRIT BOYS!!
WE CAN HANDLE ANYTHING WE’LL CRAWL THROUGH YOUR MAN IS A BLASPHEMER!!
YOU THROW AT US - AND LITTLE DUNGEON!!
THEN SOME!!

LATER....
YEP!! SO FAR IT’S THE SAME HUM-DRUM ADVENTURE.
OKAY, AFTER SEVERAL HOURS OF CHOPPING AND HACKING IF WE ATTEMPT TO OPEN THE GATE THE BONES WILL RATTLE AND
THROUGH THE THICK OVERGROWTH OF VINES AND ALERT THE LEECH-GUARD IN ROOM 7-A
VEGETATION, YOU COME UPON A LARGE STONE TEMPLE. A LEECH-GUARD SMEECH-GUARD!!! WELL,
LARGE GATE STANDS BEFORE YOU ADORNED WITH THE I TOOK HIM OUT WITH ONE HIT LAST TIME I ONWARD
SKULLS AND BONES OF THOSE WHO CAME BEFORE YOU!! PLAYED THIS ADVENTURE!! HE’S A WUSS!! THEN!!
HA!! EXACTLY AS
I REMEMBERED IT!

I KICK THE GATE IN AND READY MY I’M TAKING UP THE REAR. I’LL
I READY MY SPIKE THE GATES OPEN AND THEN
CROSSBOW OF SLAYING!!! HACKMASTER +12 FOLLOW THE GROUP.
AND TAKE THE POINT!!!
I SEE. I LOVE RECKLESS
I HAVE A COUPLE OF
BEHAVIOR.
FIRE-BALLS PREPPED!!
THE GATE SWINGS OPEN
REVEALING A LARGE HALLWAY
LINED WITH PILLARS.

14
OKAY, AS YOU ENTER THE HALLWAY SOMETHING VERY
STRANGE HAPPENS. VERY STRANGE INDEED. BOB, YOUR
CROSSBOW BEGINS TO GLOW AND SUDDENLY CHANGES
INTO A RED RYDER BB-GUN!!!

DAVE, YOUR SWORD BEGINS TO HUM


AND VANISHES. MOMENTS LATER A
POST-HOLE DIGGER
APPEARS IN YOUR HANDS!!!
BRIAN AS YOU ARE
CONCENTRATING ON YOUR
FIREBALL SPELL YOUR
THOUGHTS ARE SUDDENLY
MUDDLED!!! YOU BEGIN TO THINK
OF BROADWAY SHOWTUNES AND
FEEL COMPELLED TO START
SINGING, “WHERE IS
LOVE” FROM OLIVER!!

AS YOU STAND THERE STUPIFIED WITH AMAZEMENT, A SMALL HOLE OPENS UP ON THE FLOOR. MOMENTS LATER A MYSTERIOUS
FIGURES RISES UP OUT OF THE HOLE!!! YOU ARE SHOCKED TO SEE THE STRANGER IS ACTUALLY ANDY WARHOL!!! HE IS
ACCOMPANIED BY BLIND PANDA BEAR WHO IS WEARING A PAIR OF BERMUDA SHORTS FASHIONED OUT
OF AN OLD NAZI FLAG. ANDY HANDS YOU A CD-ROM AND A FEATHER DUSTER. HE THEN WARNS YOU
STERNLY, “I AM THE WALRUS!!! I AM THE DICE-MAN!!! KOO-KOO-KA-CHOO!! HE TELLS
YOU THE PANDA’S NAME IS, LUCY AND THAT HE WILL ASSIST YOU ON YOUR ADVENTURE. WITH THAT ANDY VANISHES IN
A CLOUD OF BILLOWING SMOKE.

FIVE SECONDS LATER..

HA!!! I KNEW THEY COULDN’T HANDLE A REAL ROLE-PLAYING ADVENTURE!!

15
The Boy Could Play
HEY!! GUESS WHO NO, I SAW JOHNNY KAZINSKI!* THE DUDE’S
THE HELL I SAW BACK IN TOWN FOR HIS SISTER’S WEDDING OR SOMETHING!!
GEE, I HAVE NO IDEA.
TODAY!! GO AHEAD, THE NEW CASHIER AT
GUESS!!! KARL’S GOOD OL’
JOHNNY KAZINSKI???
SCARFIN’ MAN, THAT BOY COULD PLAY!!! JOHNNY!!!
BURGERS?? YEP, THE BOY COULD
PLAY!!

THE MAN HAD A WAY WITH DICE DIDN’T HE?? YOU COULDN’T ASK FOR A BETTER POINT-MAN WELL THIS JOHNNY-GUY
REMEMBER AT GARYCON 87 WHEN HE IN A PARTY EITHER!! ONCE HE SAVED WAS BEFORE MY TIME.
ROLLED SEVEN CRITICAL HITS MY CHARACTER’S LIFE BY SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT
IN THE HACKMASTER FINALS??? THROWING HIMSELF INTO THE JAWS OF A PLAYER!!!
SPECKELED-DRAGON SO HE
(SIGH) REMEMBER HOW COULDN’T BREATHE FIRE ON ME.
WAS HE EVER!!! MAN!!
HE USED TO KISS THE THE BOY COULD PLAY!!
DICE BEFORE HE
TOSSED THEM?

CURSED???
HEY, REMEMBER WHEN JOHNNY’S THIEF FOUND THAT
WHADDA YA MEAN THEY
PAIR OF MATCHED, +3 DAGGERS??? HE LOVED THOSE
WERE CURSED??
DAGGERS!!! THEN ONE DAY AFTER I SAVED HIS LIFE
DURING AN ADVENTURE HE GAVE ME THOSE DAGGERS
AS A GIFT! +3 DAGGERS!!!! WHAT A GUY!!

THAT’S PRETTY FUNNY BOB


BECAUSE ACTUALLY THOSE
DAGGERS WERE CURSED, HA
HA, AND...

* See Dragon # 233 and


KODT Issue #5: Can’t Buy Me Luck 16
DON’T GET UPSET BOB!! IT WAS JUST A PRACTICAL JOKE. BUT THE BEST STUNT HE EVER PULLED...HA HA..THE BEST
JOHNNY WAS THE BEST WHEN IT CAME TO A GOOD PRANK! STUNT HE EVER PULLED...(CACKLE) WAS WHEN...(HAR
LIKE THE TIME HE DRAINED EVERYONE’S BOTTLES OF HAR)..THE ENTIRE CAMPAIGN HE KEPT VOLUNTERRING TO PULL
HEALING POTION WHILE YOU WERE NIGHT WATCH!!! HA! HA!! AND WHILE YOU WERE ALL
SLEEPING AND REFILLED THEM WITH ORC-WIZ!!! SLEEPING HE WOULD LOOT YOUR SADDLE
BAGS!!! BUT THE BEST PART.....HA! HA!! WAS THAT IN
OR THE TIME HE INFORMED ORDER TO THROW OFF SUSPICION HE WOULD PLANT STOLEN
THE MAGISTRATE GOODS ON SOMEONE ELSE IN THE PARTY!!!! HA!! HA!!!
OF TULMAR ABOUT
BOB’S INVOLVEMENT OF
THE LOOTING OF THE
LOCAL TEMPLE - JUST SO
HE COULD COLLECT THE
50 GP REWARD!!!
HA HA!!

I NEVER LIKED THAT


YEAH!!! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. WHENEVER WE ORDERED
BASTARD!!! I KNEW THERE WAS
PIZZA HE ALWAYS TOOK THE LAST PIECE!!
SOMETHING SNEAKY AND UNDERHANDED
ABOUT HIM!!! I SAY WE CRASH THAT
WEDDING AND MOP THE BUT THE BOY COULD
FLOOR WITH HIM!!! PLAY - OR SO I’VE
HEARD!!

HEY DUDES!!! WE NEED YOUR HELP!!!! IT’S TOUGH BEING FUNNY AND
KEWL MONTH AFTER MONTH!!!

WE’RE LOOKING FOR MATERIAL. CARTOONS, JOKES, HUMOROUS


ITEMS YOU MAY HAVE STUMBLED ACROSS ON THE NET!!

MAYBE THERE’S A FUNNY STORY ABOUT YOUR GROUP OR


SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED DURING AN ADVENTURE!!!

IF IT’S FUNNY - WHY NOT SHARE IT WITH THE REST OF US!!!

17
Brian’s Challenge
AS YOU KICK DOWN THE DOOR YOU ARE GREETED WITH AN HA!! I TOLD YOU THE MIME IN THE
ENORMOUS BLISTERING WALL OF FIRE AND FOUNTAIN WAS SAYING, “THERE’S A
BILLOWING SMOKE. DAVE YOUR CHARACTER IS THROWN AGAINST THE DRAGON DOWN THIS CORRIDOR.
OPPOSITE WALL OF THE HALL WAY BY THE FORCE OF THE BLAST.
DRAGON’S I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAVE
THIS ISN’T GOOD!! THIS BREATH!!! ‘MIME’ AS A SECONDARY
ISN’T GOOD AT ALL! LANGUAGE, SARA.

THE REST OF YOU MUST SAVE VS. FEAR AS YOU SEE THE AN ENORMOUS SWACK-IRON DRAGON EMERGE FROM THE
SHADOWS. AT FIRST IT APPEARS HIS FACE AND HEAD ARE BRISTLING WITH THORNS OR BONEY-SPIKES. THEN YOU REALIZE THEY
ARE ACTUALLY THE BROKEN SHAFTS OF HUNDREDS OF ARROWS. THE DRAGON IS HORRIBLY SCARED AND NICKED, SILENT
TESTIMONY OF THE HUNDREDS OF SLAIN HEROES WHO HAVE SOUGHT TO SLAY THE ANCIENT WYRM.
AT LAST WE MEET OL’ FINALLY WE TRACK THE WAIT!!!! brian and i have a
ROT GUT FACE BASTARD DOWN!!! plan. we want to PARLEY.
TO FACE! I WASTE HE’S MINE!!
HIM WITH MY CROSSBOW!

PARLEY??? YOU DON’T PARLEY BRIAN??? HAVE BRIAN THINKS HE CAN


WITH A DRAGON. ESPECIALLY NOT AN YOU GONE OFF THE OUTWIT THIS
ANCIENT SWACK IRON DRAGON WHO GOES I CAN UNDERSTAND SARA DEEP END, BIG GUY?? GUY. I SAY WE GIVE HIM
BY THE NAME OF OL ROT GUT!! WANTING TO PARLEY BUT A CHANCE.
DID SHE SAY BRIAN
IT’S A LONG SHOT, I’LL
WANTED TO AS WELL??
ADMIT. BUT I THINK IT
PARLEY??? OH
COULD WORK.
SARA, THAT’S AN
EXCELLENT IDEA.

18
HEY I’M IMPRESSED. I DIDN’T THINK YOU GUYS
REMEMBER THAT CRUMBLING BOOK WE FOUND IN HAD EVEN CONSIDERED THAT VALUABLE CLUE I PLANTED
SHINNY PEBBLE CASTLE?? WELL THERE MONTHS AGO. GOOD WORK!!
WAS A PASSAGE IN IT ON OL’ ROT GUT THE
DRAGON. AND IT CLAIMS HE’S VERY FOND OF FINE
BRIAN I KNOW YOU THINK YOU’RE A PRETTY CLEVER GUY
WINES!! THE BOOK GOES ON TO SAY HE’S A SUCKER
BUT THIS IS A STUPID IDEA. ARE YOU
FOR CONTESTS AND CHALLENGES.
FORGETTING THAT STUPID WIND RIDDLE THAT
GARGOYLE THREW AT US??
YEAH! we couldn’t DON’T LISTEN TO THEM
answer it and we all ended BRIAN. PROVE TO THEM THAT
up as EUNICS serving BRAINMATTER IS MIGHTIER
the WEB-QUEEN!! THAN THE SWORD.

STAND ASIDE BOYS!! OKAY B.A. HERE’S THE SITUATION. REMEMBER ALL THOSE BOTTLES OF
WINE WE FOUND ON LEVEL TWO OF SHINNY PEBBLE CASTLE?? WELL, I’VE PLACED ALL FIFTY
BOTTLES IN MY BAG OF HEFTY CAPACITY! I’M GONNA PULL THEM OUT AND SET THEM BEFORE OL’
ROT GUT. I’LL EXPLAIN THAT I AM CHALLENGING HIM TO A WINE TASTING CONTEST.

ROT GUT STARTS TO ATTACK BUT WHEN YOU MENTION A CONTEST HE YOU CAN DO IT BRIAN!!!
PAUSES. “SILLY MAN-THING” HE ROARS, “YOU AMUSE ME!! TELL
ME THE RULES OF THIS CONTEST!!”

HEY, I THINK IT GO BRIAN,


MAY BE GO!
WORKING!

OKAY MR. ROT GUT, HERE ARE THE TERMS. FOR EVERY BOTTLE OF WINE YOU CAN’T IDENTIFY BY TASTE,
WE GET TAKE ONE LARGE SACK OF GOLD COINS FROM YOUR HORDE. FOR EVERY BOTTLE OF WINE YOU
CORRECTLY IDENTIFY, ONE MEMBER OF OUR PARTY WILL BECOME YOUR WILLING SLAVE.
DO YOU ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE??

YES HE ACCEPTS. WILLING SLAVE?? THIS IS NO TIME TO PLAY GAMES


OL’ ROT GUT BRIAN YOU BETTER KNOW BRIAN. I SAY WE FORGET YOUR PLAN RELAX GUYS. I’VE
LOVES THE IDEA AND AND LAUNCH AN ATTACK. GOT EVERYTHING
WHAT THE HELL
SEEMS VERY EAGER TO UNDER CONTROL.
YOU ARE DOING.
TAKE THE CHALLENGE. WATCH THIS.

19
OKAY, I GIVE HIM THE BOTTLE LABELED NUMBER ONE FROM THE LIST YOU GAVE ME.

HE DRAINS THE BOTTLE. SMACKS HIS LIPS. THINKS FOR A FEW SECONDS AND SUDDENLY I COMPLIMENT ROT
GRINS. “AAAAHH!!!” HE SAYS, “THIS IS A DWARVEN WINE, MADE FROM GUT ON INCREDIBLE
ERAN VALLEY GRAPES WHICH WAS STOMPED BY THE FEET OF ORC KNOWLEDGE OF WINE!!
SLAVES IN THE YEAR 334. AN EXCELLENT VINTAGE!!”
HUH??? I KNEW IT!! BRIAN?? HE’S
HE POINTS TO BOB!! “I’LL GOOD AT THIS!!
TAKE YOU AS MY FIRST WE’RE
PICK AS SLAVE!! GONERS!!

TWO BOTTLES LATER...


ROT GUT ROARS WITH LAUGHTER!!! “WHAT A PATHETIC VINTAGE!! AN
ELDERBERRY WINE DILUTED WITH SPRING WATER IN THE YEAR 578. A CHEAP WINE GIVEN TO
SORRY B.A.,
THE MERCENARY TROOPS WHO HELPED KING VINDLAR TAKE THE STEPPES IN THAT SAME YEAR.
BUT ROT GUT IS
I TAKE THE WOMAN AS CAN I STOP (GULP) ONE WRONG!!!
I’M FINISHED CLIPPING HIS
MY SLAVE!! THREE DOWN DANCING NOW? SLAVE GIRL
TOE-NAILS. WHAT’S NEXT?
- ONE TO GO! COMING UP.

WRONG??? UH...ACTUALLY B.A. I LIED. IT WASN’T WINE IN THAT BOTTLE BUT A MAGICAL POTION:
WHAT IN THE HELL POLYMORPH TO INSECT. OL ROT GUT TURNS INTO A LARGE DUNG BEETLE
DO YOU MEAN? YOU WHICH I QUICKLY STOMP UNDER THE HEEL OF MY BOOT. SCRATCH ONE DRAGON!! SNICKER
GAVE HIM BOTTLE
NUMBER THREE AWESOME??? I BRIAN THE (WHEW) YOU HAD ME WORRIED
DRAGON- LET’S LOAD UP
RIGHT?? COULD KISS YOU BIG GUY!! THERE FOR A SECOND BRIAN.
THAT HORDE
YOU RULE!! STOMPER!!!
BOYS!!!

20
Armload of Trouble
OKAY BOB, YOU FINALLY MANAGE TO PICK THE LOCK TO THE RESTING PLACE OF WE’D BETTER BE EXTRA
MAIN GATE! AS THE LARGE IRON DOORS SWING OPEN YOU SEE A LONG THE FABLED CAREFUL!!! THE GAUNTLET
HALLWAY LEADING AWAY INTO THE DARKNESS!!! A MOSAIC RUBY OF WAS CONSTRUCTED BY THE
PAINTING ON THE FLOOR JUST INSIDE THE DOOR READS, “ENTER YE THE WUN-KAI!! MASTER THIEF, CHOONIE!!
GAUNTLET OF DEATH!” THERE’S BOUND TO BE A
LET’S BE ON OUR NETWORK OF TRAPS!
WHOAH!!! THE MAP WASN’T A FAKE TOES, GUYS!
AFTERALL!!! THE GAUNTLET
OF DEATH!!!!! WE’RE IN!!!

AN HOUR LATER..... GAUNTLET??? THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED THIS


PLACE THE CAKEWALK OF DEATH!!!! WAKE ME
OKAY, YOU MOVE ANOTHER FIFTY FEET DOWN THE UP WHEN IT’S OVER (YAWN).
HALL WAY. NO ENCOUNTERS.
GOOD IDEA,
SOMETHING’S UP!! I’M GOING TO REMAIN BEHIND
THIS SUCKS!!!! WE’VE BEEN CRAWLING IN SARA!! BE
AND GUARD YOUR BACKS GUYS!!!
THIS PLACE FOR AN HOUR AND NOT ONE CAREFUL!!
MONSTER! NOT EVEN A TRAP!!!

A LITTLE LATER... YOU SEE A LARGE BRILLIANT RUBY


SITTING ON A SMALL GOLD AND SILVER PEDESTAL.
OKAY, YOU FINALLY REACH IT’S JUST BARELY WITHIN ARM’S REACH.
THE END OF THE THIS IS STRANGE. I WHAT??? WAIT!! BOB,
HALLWAY. THERE IS A SHINE MY LANTERN OH YEAH!!!! I’M REACHING DON’T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD
SMALL HOLE, ABOUT FOUR INTO THE HOLE. IN AND GRABBING THE SUCKER!!! CHECK FOR.....OOPS, I FORGOT,
INCHES IN DIAMETER IN THE WHAT DO I SEE?? I’M NOT THERE.
MIDDLE OF THE WALL. GO FOR IT
BOB!!

21
WELL BOB, AS YOUR THIEF REACHES THROUGH THE HOLE TO RETRIEVE THE
LARGE RUBY YOU HEAR THE GUT-WRENCHING SOUND OF WHAT??? oh no dave, WAIT!!
METAL GRINDING AGAINST STONE. BEFORE YOU CAN REACT A RAZOR- you’re gonna.....sorry, i’m not there.
SHARP BLADE DETACHES YOUR ARM AT THE SHOULDER. i shouldn’t say anything.
SADLY YOUR ARM FALLS THROUGH THE HOLE ON THE OTHER SIDE.

don’t worry bob!!! i’ll get it. i’ll retrieve


DISBELIEVE!! I SAW IT COMING!!
DISBELIEVE!!! bob’s arm and.........
OH GAWD I”M DISBELIEVING!!

HA! HA! no tap backs dave. as you reach


into the hole to get bob’s BRIAN?? BUDDY OL PAL?? help me
arm....SWOOSH!!! get my arm back. COME ON!!
you lose an arm. oh, and you pass out
from the pain.
MINE FIRST!
MINE FIRST!! YOU’D BETTER THINK IT
THAT’S MY SWORD ARM THROUGH FIRST BRIAN
LYING IN THERE.

I DON’T THINK SO GUYS. 75% OF THE SPELLS IN MY YOU GUYS HEAR A FAINT SQUEALING
ARSENAL REQUIRE THE EXECUTION OF HAND- SOUND THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE WALL.
GESTURES TO SUCCESSFULLY CAST. I AIN’T RISKIN’
MY HANDS FOR ANYONE. NOTHING PERSONAL.
OKAY I’M HOLDING A LANTERN UP TO THE HOLE AND
PEERING INTO IT. CAN I SEE MY ARM?

YES, YOU SEE SEVERAL GAAAA!!


VERY LARGE RATS
DRAGGING THE ARMS AWAY!

22
UH-UH, NOT ME!!. MY
DUDE OUR ARMS HAVE JUST
HANDS ARE MY TRADE.
BECOME TASTY MEAT
SADLY, THE
SNACKS FOR VERMIN!! MAYBE WE SHOULD SEQUESTERED
HELP THEM OUT BRIAN. SCHOOL OF
MAGIC DOESN’T OFFER
WADDA WE DO??
MEDICAL OR DENTAL.
WADDA WE DO??

SQUEAK!! SQUEAK!!
GNAW-GNAW!!

I’M TAKING OUT MY DAGGER. DAMN RATS!!! I


SAAAWOOSH!!!! KERPLUNK!!!
REACH THROUGH THE HOLE AND SKEWER THE
HA HA!! YOU JUST LOST YOUR
LITTLER BUGGERS.
OTHER ARM SMART GUY. OH THIS
I’M HOPPING MAD!!! I MAY EVEN MAKE A
WAS TOO EASY. SINCE SARA IS
TOBACCO POUCH OUT OF THE LITTLE VARMINTS.
STILL IN THE MAIN FOYER GUARDING
YOUR BACKS, OL DAVE IS PASSED
OUT COLD, AND BRIAN IS REFUSING
TO RENDER ASSISTANCE. THE
STARVING,
CARNIVOROUS RATS
BOB DRAG AWAY THE THREE SEVERED
ARMS INTO THE MURKY SHADOWS
DON”T!! AND DEVOUR THEM!

COME ON B.A. GIVE ME A


BREAK. WHAT AM I GONNA DO NO SARA, WE JUST MOVED UP
WITH A THIEF WHO HAS NO ARMS? AND I CAN’T WIELD MY WE JUST LOST
HALF OUR FIGHTING SEVERAL TAX BRACKETS.
HACKMASTER +12
POWER BIG GUY! WE’RE GONNA PICK THEIR
I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL WITH ONE ARM DUDE.
POCKETS WHILE THEY STAND
SAY IT AGAIN, “THERE’S NO THERE AND WATCH.
PARTY TOO POWERFUL THAT A
GOOD TRAP CAN’T BRING DOWN.”

23
Coward of the County
AS THE PARTY IS MOVING DOWN THE CORRIDOR A SECRET DOOR ON THE I KNEW WE SHOULD’VE GONE BACK TO
SOUTH WALL SUDDENLY POPS OPEN!!! AN ANCIENT GNARLED- TOWN AND HEALED UP INSTEAD OF
TOOTH TROLL BRANDISHING AN ENORMOUS CLEAVER EMERGES AND BEGINS TACKLING THIS NEW LEVEL!!!
ATTACKING!!!! BOB, YOU AND THE TORCH-BEARER ARE UP
FRONT SO THE TROLL WILL BE ATTACKING YOU TWO.
BOB!!! USE KNOBBY-
A GNARLED-TOOTH HANG IN THERE BOB!!! FOOT AS A SHIELD TO BUY
TROLL??? OH GAWD I’M MOVING UP TO JOIN THE ATTACK!! SOME TIME!!! HE’S JUST
I’M TOAST!!! AN NPC!!!
I ONLY HAVE 6 HITPOINTS
LEFT.

BRIAN HAS A DAMN AND YOU GUYS CALL YOURSELVES


GOOD IDEA!!! I’LL STEP HEROES??? THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE LOWEST,
BACK AND LET THE MOST COWARDLY ACTS YOU’VE EVER
TROLL DEAL WITH PULLED!!!! THROWING A HELPLESS NPC -- WHO JUST
THE TORCH-BEARER!! HAPPENS TO BE IN OUR EMPLOYMENT-- INTO THE JAWS
OF DEATH. JUST TO SAVE YOUR OWN SORRY BUT!!!
YOU MAKE ME SICK!!
WHO PULLED YOUR
STRING??
MEANWHILE, I’LL BE
READYING MY
CROSSBOW
OF SLAYING!!

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A NON-PLAYER CHARACTER HERE!! A ZERO-LEVEL
NOBODY!!!! SO WHAT IF HE DIES??? ONE OF US WILL HAVE TO CARRY THE TORCH FOR THE REST OF THE SESSION. IF I DIE,
THE PARTY LOSES AN INCREDIBLE THIEF BUT TO MENTION A GOOD FRIEND AN ALLY!!

HEY NO ARGUMENT HERE!! WELL, HIS BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS. YEAH, YEAH, ON
IT DOES SEEM SCRATCH ONE TORCH- THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT. WITH THE
LIKE A VER BEARER. WHAT’S THE BIG GAME!!
CALOUS ACT, BOB! DEAL?

24
OKAY, I’M SHOVING KNOBBY-FOOT TOWARD THE TROLL. I’M GOING TO PUT MY
DAGGER TO HIS BACK JUST IN CASE HE LOSES HIS FIGHTING SPIRIT AND TRIES TO RUN AWAY.

KNOBBY-FOOT LOOKS UP AT YOU WITH A HOORAY FOR THE


DISGUSTED LOOK. “PUT THE DAGGER AWAY, OH DUDE, HE HALFING!!! NOW THERE’S A HERO!!
COWARD!!!” HE SNAPS. “I’M NOT AFRAID TO FIGHT” SLAM DUNKED
JUST BEFORE LEAPING INTO COMBAT WITH THE TROLL, YOUR HONOR!! MIGHT BIG WORDS FOR SUCH A
KNOBBY LOOKS BACK AT YOU AND SAYS, “YOU WERE LITTLE GUY!!! GOOD LUCK,
MY HERO, BUT NOW I DESPISE YOU!!!” KNOBBY (SNIFF)

LET’S SEE. WHOAH!!! , LIL’ KNOBBY FOOT ROLLS AN 18 TO HIT!!! HE LANDS A BEAUTIFULLY EXECUTED BLOW WITH HIS SHORT-
SWORD ACROSS THE TROLL’S ABDOMEN. THE TROLL HOWLS IN PAIN!!!! HE SWINGS AT KNOBBY FOOT. LET’S SEE!!!!
OH WOW!!! LIL’ KNOBBY FOOT ROLLS A NATURAL TWENTY ON HIS DODGE ROLL, HE DOES A SOMERSAULT RIGHT
BETWEEN THE TROLL’S LEGS. THIS AUTOMATICALLY GIVES HIM INITIATIVE ON THE NEXT ROUND. SWIFTLY SPINNING AROUND, THE
BRAVE TORCH BEARER IS ABLE TO DELIVER A BACK-STAB. UNBELIEVABLE!!! HE
ROLLS A 17 - JUST BARELY A HIT!!! THE TROLL COLLAPSES IN A BLOODY HEAP!!! LIL’ KNOBBY FOOT CLIMBS UPON HIS
VICTIM AND SEVERES THE TROLLS HEAD!!!
KNOBBY FOOT IS A AN UNASSISTED KILL!!!
OH, I AIN’T KILLING MACHINE! WOW!!
BELIEVING
THIS!!

LATER THAT NIGHT... I THINK I’M IN LOVE


HE SAYS HIS CONSCIENCE WON’T ALLOW HIM WITH THE LITTLE GUY!!!
OKAY, YOU’VE RE-EQUIPPED TO ADVENTURE WITH A COWARD!!
YOURSELVES AND HEALED HUH?? WHY
YOUR WOUNDS AND ARE READY THIS COULD HAVE
THE HELL DUDE!! AN NPC JUST CALLED
TO SET OUT FOR THE DUNGEON NEGATIVE MODIFIERS FOR
NOT?? YOU A COWARD!!
AGAIN. KNOBBY-FOOT TELLS THE WHOLE PARTY’S
YOU HE WILL NOT BE GOING HONOR FACTOR!!
WITH YOU ON THIS TRIP.

25
WHILE YOU ARE STANDING IN THE TOWN SQUARE
WELL, WELL, LOOKS LIKE OUR LITTLE FRIEND NEEDS A SLAPPING THE CRAP OUT OF THE POOR,
LESSON IN RESPECT!! I’M GOING TO GRAB HIM BY THE DEFENSLESS, HALFING, THE TOWNS PEOPLE
COLLAR AND GIVE HIM A LITTLE ATTITUDE HEAR HIS CRIES OF PAIN AND TORMENT!!
ADJUSTMENT! I’LL SLAP HIM SILLY WITH THE THEY START GATHERING AROUND YOU IN A LARGE CROWD!!!
BACK OF MY GAUNTLET!!!
THEY DEMAND TO
KNOW WHAT THEIR
FELLOW CITIZEN HAS
DONE TO DESERVE
SUCH TREATMENT!!!

I WAVE MY GAUNTLET AT THE CROWD AND DRAWING MY OH GREAT!!!! ANOTHER EVENING OF


TELL THEM IF THEY DON’T WANT SOME HACKMASTER +12 HERE!!!! HIGH ADVENTURE AND
OF THE SAME, THEY WILL DISPERSE I LEAP INTO THE CROWD HEROIC FANTASY!!!
AND GO HOME!!! NOW!!! AND START THRASHING!!!
THE CROWD I GOT A PAIR OF
GOES BEZERK!!! TORRENTIAL-FIREBALLS
THEY START TO COMING ON LINE GUYS!!!
RUSH YOU!!

END OF THE EVENING..... HOODY-HOO!! THAT RULED!!!! IT TOOK SOME OF THE FUN OUT OF
IT WHEN THEY TRIED TO SURRENDER EN-MASSE BUT THAT WAS
WELL THE TOWN OF FERN DEFINITELY AS MUCH FUN AS A DUNGEON CRAWL!!!
GROVE IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES.
HER 475 INHABITANTS LIE HEY, WHO SAID TOWN- YOU KNOW, SOLO=ADVENTURES ARE LOOKING
STREWN ABOUT THE STREETS IN ADVENTURES AREN’T AS REAL GOOD TO ME RIGHT ABOUT NOW!!
POOLS OF THIER OWN FUN AS DUNGEONS?? DO WE GET EXPERIENCE FOR
BLOOD. AND SO ENDS ANOTHER
THE NON-COMBATANTS??
ADVENTURE. (GROAN)

26
now that we are monthly, we need your ideas and suggestions for KODT STORies MORE
THAN EVER!! what are you waiting for?? this could be just the thing you’ve been waiting
for - your name in bold letters on cheezy newsprint for all the world to see!!! photo-
copy this page and write your own classic KODT story ideas. Mail your entry* to

KODT IDEA SEARCH


KODT: 1003 MONROE PIKE, MARION INDIANA, 46953

* The Fine Print: All entries become the property of Kenzer&Company. By submitting your story-line, you hereby assign all
right title and interest in and to the story to Kenzer & Company. If your idea is used you will receive a free, autographed
copy of the issue in which it appears. By returning this form with your submission, you agree to be bound by these terms.
B.A. is 30 years old and lives with his parents. When
he isn’t gaming he works part-time in his dad’s dry
cleaning shop. B.A. dropped out of college to follow
Who’s Who In the Group
his dream of being a game designer. He sunk $6,000
into his first gaming product, DOG: the Role-Playing
Game which was a bomb. B.A. suffered a nervous
breakdown and left gaming for a few years before
picking up his dice bag again. He founded the Knights
B.A. Felton of the Dinner Table in 1976.

Bob is 26 years old and also lives with his parents.


He is currently unemployed even though he’s taken
over 8 years of vocational classes at a local tech
college. He has a habit of losing his job because of his
temper and sharp tongue. Bob was the first due-
paying member of the group. Bob is from the old
school of role-playing and believes it’s all about
breaking things and killing people. He made the local
papers once when he got lost in the steam tunnels
under the tech college for seven days. Bob Herzog

Dave is 22 years old and attends Ball State


University where he is studying cultural
anthropology and dance theory. Dave was introduced
to role-playing by Bob, whom he met at a local
paintball tournament. Dave is a true blooded hack-n-
slasher who becomes bored easily. He often forgets to
bring his character sheet to the game and tends to
borrow someone else’s dice. Dave originally joined
the group to take advantage of the free munchies.
Dave Bozwell

Brian is 27 years old and lives alone. He manages


to make a modest living operating a local computer
bulletin board and selling painted miniatures.
Brian is typically quiet and utters only three word
sentences unless a rule has been broken or his
character has been maligned. Even though Brian
can’t remember his own phone number, he can
recite entire passages of various rule books from
memory. He claims to have a girlfriend but no one
has ever seen her.
Brian VanHoose
Sara is 25 years old and is B.A.’s cousin. She recently moved back
to Muncie, Indiana from Wisconsin and is the newest member of the
group. Unfortunately, Sara is also the only female in the group and
fights a lonely battle to bring more role-play into the group’s gaming
sessions and less hack-n-slash. Sara has decided it is her sworn
obligation to bring the other members of the group around to her
style of play. She attempts to do this by example but occasionally
has to resort to threats and physical bullying to make her point.
Sara Felton
Gary Jackson is fondly known as the, “Gawdfather of Gaming” by
millions of gaming enthusiasts around the world. His failing
wargame company, Hard 8 was about to close it’s doors for good in
1977 when Gary tossed the dice on a hastily produced role-playing
game, T h e H a c k M a s t e r s o f E v e r K n i g h t . T h e f i r s t p r i n t r u n
was quickly snapped off the shelves and soon frantic distributors
were calling Gary’s three man shop with pleas of, “More!”. Gary has
been riding Hackmaster spin-offs ever since.
Gary Jackson
Edmund Finely was once Gary Jackson’s paperboy. One morning he
was coerced into filling an empty chair during a play-testing
session of HackMaster and became ensnared in ‘Gary’s Game’. That
was twenty years ago and Edmund has been on the Hard 8 team ever
since (though he’s only been on the payroll for the past four
months). Edmund wears the proud title of “Director of Research
and Development” and recently oversaw the production of his first
written work, A b e , B a b e s a n d R o l l e r B l a d e s described as a
“sexy, zany, time-travelling romp through history and fashion”.
Edmund Finley
Victor Fergueson became known as the ‘Lord of Steam’ when he adapted the
HackMaster rules to live-action play and began taking hand-picked groups of players
on late-night forays into the labyrinth of steam tunnels beneath Ball State University.
After ‘Fergueson’s Folly’ made national headlines (Victor and his group were lost for
7 days prompting a massive rescue search) the steam tunnels were secured and
dozens of entrances were sealed with concrete. There are several contradicting
accounts of what happened weeks later on the evening of January 5th, 1987 but it
involved a satchel of C-4 high explosive, a miscalculation of the expected blast
radius, and a medical evac of the Campus Administration Building which collapsed
during an attempt to breach the steam tunnels. The incident earned Victor the
nickname, “Nitro’ and 5 years probation.
Nitro Fergueson
“Weird” Pete Ashton is 46 years old and is the sole proprietor of a
local gamestore called the “Games Pit”. Pete is proud of the fact that
he was one of the co-designers of the cult classic role-playing game,
“LYNCH M O B ” . P e t e l o v e s t o r e l a t e t h e s t o r y o f h o w h e w a s b u r n e d b y
his partners and lost “millions.” Pete is always available for advice
and oddly seems to be very bitter about the hobby he loves so much.
He was a major stockholder in Hard 8 Enterprises but sold his shares
mere days before HackMaster was released.
Weird Pete
Life’s a Pulp Dungeons
BRIAN’S SMALL PRESS PICKS
Game!! The Amazon’s Gold
PLAY!! Price: $3.95
Destination Games
P.O. Box 1345
Lake Geneva, WI 53147
By James M. Ward_____
Here’s a nifty little product line.
Tired of paying ten bucks and
more for pre-generated
BRIAN’S adventures for you favorite
fantasy role-playing game?
PICKS You may want to take a look at
the Pulp Dungeon series. Each
16 page digest sized booklet
includes a mini-adventure. Most
of the adventures can be played
alone or can be combined with
other books in the series to
create full campaigns.
Brian’s Rating: Can’t-Lose

Trading Card Classifieds


Price: $9.00/6 month subscription
Monthly Newsletter
Editor: Steve Drake
8307 27th Ave N.W.
Seattle, WA 98117-4512
_____
TCC is a card collector’s dream come true. Each issue is packed
with reviews, current and upcoming trading card releases, industry
news, and most importantly, trader information/contacts. If you are
looking for that hard-to-find chase card for your favorite CCG you
may find it here. Please note that TCC is not exclusively devoted
to collectible card games. It also caters to Sports/Non-sports
trading cards but the CCG coverage is definitely heavy enough to
warrant an investigation.
Brian’s Rating: Got-A-Have

ATTENTION GAME MANUFACTURERS AND SMALL PRESS PUBLISHERS!!! HOW’D YOU THREE TO FIVE
THOUSAND GAME FANS TO SEE AND HEAR ABOUT YOUR PRODUCT??? RIGHT HERE IN BRIAN’S
SMALL PRESS PICKS!!
SEND YOUR REVIEW MATERIAL TO
KODT, 1003 MONROE PIKE, MARION IN 46953

OH.....AND I ACCEPT PIZZA (NO ONIONS OR GREEN PEPPERS PLEASE),


SODA AND CASH AS EXTRA INCENTIVES FOR FAVORABLE REVIEWS.

BRIAN????

UH...JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE


EXTRA INCENTIVES. SORRY.
“WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY? “ Brian,
Dave & Jennifer,
Why haven’t you called? Is
Congratulations on the birth
this the end? Are you
of your baby girl,
dumping me?
Samantha. We’ll set another
Alexis Marie
place at the gaming table.
KenzerCo Staff

WEIRD PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD


ATTENTION
FREELANCERS!!! DICELESS ROLE-
Kenzer and Company is PLAYING???
looking for a few good writers WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL
and artists!! Send an SASE to ARE YOU??
KenzerCo, 1935 S. Plum
Grove Rd, Suite 194,
Palatine, IL 60067.
or you can request them via
email by writing to
Meet Gamin’ Dick. A retailer who “never KenzerCo@aol.com.
takes returns, returns anything shipped to him,
orders stuff he doesn’t want and complains THIS SPACE
about the graphic quality of the games he does FOR RENT
accept.”
Apparently the folks at Berkley Game CALLING ALL
Distributors were bored one day while packing DEPUTY SHERRIFS OF
boxes. So they ‘created’ a ficticious customer BUZZARD BREATH
from hell who was ‘too scarey for reality’.
COUNTY
According to a flyer recently distributed at
Knife-fighting Lessons Begin
WANTED
GAMA, he’s “a no-nonsense, workingman’s Information leading to the
July 15th at
game store counter guy. He takes no crap, and arrest and conviction of
DRY GULCH
demands the best.” Cowboy Cuisine person responsible for
Who is Gamin’ Dick? Fortunately, the folks at Calgary, Canada starting the brawl at
Berkley saw fit to provide gaming stats for him. Please bring $72.00 HACKCON 97
for your bartab. in Muncie, Indiana.
Name: Gamin’ Dick And don’t forget you
Ht: 6’2” Wt: 280 lbs Eyes: Bloodshot tin’badges!! Wanted: writers and artists
Hair Color: Unknown who are willing to sign away
Distinguishing Marks: Always wears a cap. LIfe is just a game with a all rights to their work for no
Favorite Game: Axes & Orcs really screwed up set of rules. fee. Contact Gary Jackson.
Beer: S--tfaced Beer (the Beer that Gets you Drunk)
Bio: Gamin Dick, the world’s toughest game
store owner, is an inspirational legend from the
early years of the game industry. He hearkens
back to a more rough-and-tumble time, when
gamers didained graphics and accepted
xeroxed-and-stapled product where ever it
happened to show up. He ran his store,
“Games n Crap”, with a violent, loud fervor that
made him the beloved subject of many a
gamer’s ancedotes. He hated questions,
complaints, customers and manufacturers, in
that order, and could often be heard loudly
declaiming about the pitiful state of the hobby
and the hobbyists from behind his cash
register. (“Freakin’ Crybabies!” was his answer
to any complaint) Last seen in 1989, he
apparently set out on an enraged mission of
vengeance after the release of “Willow: the
RPG”, and has never been heard from again.
He would make them Pay!

WEIRD PETE”S BULLETIN BOARD is a meeting place where readers pass along information, barter, trade and gossip. Readers are invited to place
classified ads, announce group meetings, seek out other players, etc. Subscribers of KODT may place classified ads free of charge with a limit of on e ad
per issue and a maximum of twenty-five words. Non-Subscribers may place ads at the rate of 50¢ per word with a limit of 25 words. Companys may place
ads at the following rates;[ 5.5 inches x 2 inches - 50 dollars], [2.75 inches x 2 inches - 25 dollars], [1.5 inches x 1 inch - 10 dollars.] Non-profit organizations
(serving the gaming community) and Conventions/Seminars may place ads for free. All ads are placed on a first-come-first serve basis with subscribers
having priority.
HOW TO BE A CULTIST
Courtesy of the Discordians
1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of
the mark of the amateur. cultists could be saved every year if they'd just
remember this simple safety tip.
2. Avoid needless embarassment. Practice the
correct pronunciation of your god's name in the 18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with
privacy of your room before chanting it in public. testicles.
PARTING SHOTS

Flash cards are often helpful.


19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for
3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head. later is now generally considered bad form.

4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds in 20. Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial
weight, you're just asking for trouble. victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+
offerings on the average malefic deity have never
5. Citronella candles may *not* be used in rituals. been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured
candles in the shape of cute animals are like 21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and
beacons to the Dark Lords. invocations do not mix. When the crap hits the
fan, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern
6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the
incense, silver knife, thuggee knife, service holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that
revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, will go away after a few hours, some B-complex,
and change. and a good hot bath.

7. *Never* be the cultist that goes to rough up the 22. Never play strip Tarot.
investigator. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably
safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys’ is 23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few
a sure route to the bottom of the Thames. forces in nature can stand against one who is true
to his faith, his god, and his soul. However, it is
8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away also true that God is on the side of the heaviest
from the cult leader. Enraged demons always go artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the
for the pompous. drop of a hat.

9. Don't gloat. 24. For those situations where a fresh, living


sacrifice is just not feasible or even possible, the
10. If you do gloat, never reveal your plans. lower ranks of demons can be fooled by
microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-
11. If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock-
the investigators to die slowly. They don't. victim sculpted from Spam will be all right too.
12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave
the investigators to die slowly, don't have the
audacity to look surprised when thy show up
to foil you.

13. Investigators always show up at the last


moment to foil you. Start a half-hour early--
they hate that.

14. Select ceremonial robes that are easy to


run in while still affording ample
concealment.

15. Never have sex with anything whose


genetic structure you do not feel absolutely
comfortable about.

16. Never admit to having sex with anything


whose genetic structure you didn't feel
absolutely comfortable about.

17. When a religious artifact begins emitting