Knights of the TM

No.14
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN
Dinner Table

A Fist Full of Dice and a Bad Attitude!!

 We got your back issues right here bub!!
KODT No.#4 “Have Dice Will Travel” $3.45 To purchase any products listed in this magazine, send a check or
KODT No.#5 “Master of the Game” $3.95 money order (made payable to Kenzer and Company) to:
______________________
KODT No.#6 “Plays Well With Others” $5.95
Kenzer & Company
KODT No.#7 “The Dice Man Cometh!” $5.95
Mail Order Fulfillments
KODT No.#8 “An Orc By Any Other Name” $5.95 1935 S. Plum Grove Rd., Ste. 194 Palatine, IL 60067
_______________________
KODT No.#9 “Two Dice For Sister Sara” $4.95
KODT No.#10 “Let the Dice Fall Where They May” $5.95
KODT No.#11 “When in Doubt: Hack!!” $2.95
KODT No.#12 “The Good, The Bad, and the Unlucky!” $2.95 or fax/E-mail [kenzerco@aol.com] a valid Visa, MasterCard, or Discover card number, your signature,
KODT No.#13 “Men That Hack” $2.95 card type and expiration date to us at (847) 397-2404. Please include $1.00 for the first item
and 50¢ per additional comic for shipping and handling.

Top Ten reasons to play

Monty Python and the Holy Grail
10) We shall say “Ni” to you if you do not appease us!
9) Questions Three Cards - What other CCG requires the players to answer trivia
questions as part of the game? Brush up on your Python trivia and you will excel at
this facet of the game.
8) Song Cards - Great for games at conventions, bars or anywhere in public. Force your
opponent to stand up and sing or they will face the consequences.
7) You get to kill stuff - Knights battling monsters, knights battling other knights,
knights battling young virgins. No, scratch the virgins, it’s too perilous.
6) You get to pretend that you are a Frenchman - Play any of the Frenchmen cards and
a couple of taunts on your opponent and you may soon believe you actually are an extraordinarily rude
Frenchman with a silly accenta, you silly king! We bring role-playing to card games in a hilarious way.
5) One deck per player does it all - Specially designed starter decks allow players to play and win with just one
deck. Also, each deck is guaranteed to have at least two of everyone's favorite knights from the round table.
4) You can use the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and blow thyne enemies to tiny bits.
3) There is but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. Zoot, Dingo and the rest of the young
virgins have been very naughty and they must be punished.
2) Monty Python and the Holy Grail is the funniest movie of all time. Each game is like rewriting the script of
your favorite movie in your own particular ...um... ahh... Idiom sir?... Yes, idiom!
1) The killer rabbit - It has nasty, big, sharp, pointy teeth and is great fun to throw at your opponent. But
remember, in order to run away, you must actually stand up and shout, “Run away! Run away!”.

And Now For Something Completely Different.....

A Card Game That’s Fun(ny)

Collectible Card Game

 Knights of the
KENZER &
COMPANY
Knights of the Dinner Table #14
Fist Full of Dice and a Bad Attitude
December, 1997
_______________
© Copyright 1997, Kenzer and
Dinner Table TM

Company, All Rights Reserved.

Knights of the Dinner Table™
magazine is published monthly by
“Fist Full of Dice and a Bad Attitude”
Kenzer and Company. Created by Jolly R. Blackburn
Subscriptions: A one year
subscription (12 issues) is only Ongoing Developers: Jolly R. Blackburn, Brian Jelke,
$28.00 (US $32.00 in Canada and
US $50.00 Overseas).
Steve Johansson and David Kenzer
To subscribe, send a check or Cover by George Vrbanic
money order (made payable to
Kenzer and Company) to:
______________________
Kenzer & Company
KODT Subscriptions,
1935 S. Plum Grove Rd., Ste. 194
Palatine, IL 60067
_______________________
or fax a valid Visa, MasterCard,
or Discover card number, your
signature, card type and expiration
date to us at (847) 397-2404.
Back Issues: Back issues and
related merchandising are also
available; send US $2.00 for a
current catalog and prices.
Legal Notice: Knights of the
Dinner Table, Fist full of Dice and
a Bad Attitude, HackNoia ,
CattlePunk SpaceHack, KODT,
Hack Master, Gary Jackson Files,
the Kenzer and Co. Logo, and all
prominent characters and
likenesses thereof are trademarks
of Kenzer and Co.
Mailing Address: Kenzer and
Company, 1935 S. Plum Grove
Road, Suite 194, Palatine, IL
60067. Phone/fax: (847) 397-
2404.
Internet: JollyRB@aol.com
(editorial inquiries only) or
KenzerCo@aol.com (non-KODT
inquiries only). World Wide Web:
http://members.aol.com/relkin/ken
zerco.html
Submissions: We accept
submissions for strip ideas, jokes,
cartoons, etc. We are interested in
running anything that other
gamers and fans would enjoy.
Send a S.A.S.E. for writer’s
guidelines.
 Editorial of a Madman
CRIES FROM THE ATTIC
W
elcome back! As you’ve probably already
noticed, this issue weighs in a little heavier
than the typical issue of KODT. That’s
because we’ve crammed a free sixteen page insert in the
middle. Consider it a gift from one group of gamers to
another. The GameMasters’ Workshop™ is a collection
of generic gamemaster aids that can be dragged-and-
dropped into any campaign. It’s also a sneak-peek into the
Kingdoms of Kalamar™ campaign setting (one of the
other product lines here at KenzerCo). It’s our holiday
gift to our readers and our way of saying “thank you” for
an incredible year.
In just nine short months, you’ve made Knights of the
Dinner Table™ the fastest growing games publication in
the industry. Our distribution level just recently surpassed
5,000 and shows no sign of slowing down. As Bob
Herzog is famous for saying, “Hoody Hoo!”
If you recall, way back in Issue #5, I wrote about our
plans to slowly expand KODT in the coming months.
While promising to keep the same page count of KODT
strips (Nobody wants to be tarred-and-feathered here), I
explained that we would be adding new columns and
features, bumping up the page count, and generally tweak
and fiddle with the mix.
We’re extremely mindful of the old adage, “If it ain’t
broke — don’t fix it!” so we will be relying on you, the
reader, to let us know if you like what we are doing. So be
sure send in your letters and email giving us your
feedback.
Now to the issue at hand. Besides the 16 page insert
(which, by the way, you can simply pull out if you find it
annoying in the middle of your KODT), you will find two
new regular columns.
OH WOW!!! YOU SNAGGED
CHECK IT OUT DUDE!!! A GARY JACKSON
WANT A PEZ? PEZ DISPENSER??
I THOUGHT THEY WERE ALL
SOLD OUT!!
The first is Stevil’s Bitter Pulpit. Stevil answers
questions put to him by our readers on the subject of
gaming. Be forewarned, Stevil likes to express his
opinions. He doesn’t pull any punches and he generally
speaks his mind with no apologies. ‘Nuff said.
Our other new columnist is Donald Bingle! Most of
you probably recognize his name. Donald has written
material for Chill™, TimeMaser™, Polyhedron™, AD&D®
etc. Donald will be taking us to the movies each month in
his column, A Gamer’s View of the Movies. This column
presents movie reviews with a twist. As the title suggests,
Donald analyzes the movies from a gamer’s point of view.
How would a gamer have handled the traps Indiana
Jones faced in Raiders of the Lost Arc?
Also in this issue you’ll find another edition of Tales
From the Table. In issue 11 B.A. Felton shared his
GENCON diary, detailing the exploits of the KenzerCo
staff at the show. One of the stories we related was about
the ‘pipe-cleaner spider’ we attached to some fishing line
and lowered from a balcony onto unsuspecting gamers in
the lobby of the Hyatt. That prompted Eric Steel to send us
a letter and photos of his own pipe-cleaner monstrosities.
We enjoyed it so much we asked him to write it up as an
article so we could share it with the rest of our readers.
Before I close, I want to put out the call once again for
your ideas and submissions. If you have something you
think other gamers would enjoy reading — we want to see
it!!
Until next month, Good Gaming!!
Jolly R. Blackburn
November 10, 1997
I’LL TAKE ONE AS
LONG AS ITS NOT
LIME FLAVOR!!
HEY BOBBY-BOY, I’LL
TRADE YOU MY GARY
JACKSON ERASER-HEAD
FOR THE DISPENSER!!
 Our Readers Talk Back!
Dear KODT,
I am a student at Ball State University, and after reading
the article in Cries from the Attic I had to say, "Damn, I was
planning on doing that, too." Now it seems unoriginal.
But, that is not the purpose of this letter. I am writing to let
you know that I work for the local gaming store, Wizard's
Keep. Wizard's Keep has been in business for 15+ years, and I
believe its owner is your long forgotten inspiration for 'Wierd
Pete'. (Wizard's Keep-Wierd Pete's...sounds pretty similar).
The owner of this establishment is Stan Stephens, and he
looks exactly like Wierd Pete, with only two exceptions: He
has some grey in his receding hair and extensive beard, and he
does not possess the 'gamer's waistline' that Wierd Pete has,
but other than that; the glasses, advice (some good, some
bad), the receeding hairline, and constant commenting on
different pros and cons of games, its all there.
Also, B.A.'s "Hoody-Hoo!" comment may have an origin
here as well. A former employee of the shop often greeted
customers with a light-hearted "Howdy-Doo!". This may be a
stretch, but it could be a possibility.
Harvey Krantz
via email
Apparently there are a lot of Weird Pete look-alikes out
there. At a recent con no less than four people approached
our booth informing us they knew the ‘real’ Pete. The truth is,
Wierd Pete is a montage of personalities I’ve ran into over the
years. Besides, I ‘d hate to dissapoint all those readers who
feel ‘they’ know who the real Weird Pete is.
Jolly
Dear KODT,
Just thought I'd drop a line to say how much I love KODT!
My friendly neighborhood comic shop pulls a copy for me
every month, and is rapidly becoming the ONLY title I read as
soon as it arrives. But what I want to know is this: I've
searched high and low, and cannot figure out where you guys
have hidden the camera that so obviously records my group's
weekly sessions! 'Fess up, guys, you're watching us!
Are there any plans to collect into a trade paperback? I'm
only missing #'s 1 and 2, and wouldn't mind it if the trade had
more than those 2 issues. I'd be willing to pay good money!
Thanks for such a fun comic. Keep up the good work!
Pete Hooper
via Email
Once again we’re accused of using hidden cameras to
gather our material. There is absolutely no truth in the
rumors. That small black box mounted over your gaming table
is just a harmless Radon-Detector placed by our engineers for
your protection. (Because, we really care!).
As far as trade paperbacks - yes, yes, YES!! We are
planning on reprinting back issues in the near future. We will
be bundling three issues per book. (the first being issues, 1, 2
and 3). There is no definite release schedule, however, so
look for a future annoucement here in KODT.
Jolly
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY??? HUH??? YOU CAN WRITE TO US VIA E-MAIL AT
J O L LY R B @ A O L . C O M ! ! OR YOU CAN SEND YOUR SNAIL MAIL TO
K O D T L E T T E R B O X , 1003 MONROE PIKE, MARION, IN 46953
TABLE TALK: READER MAIL
Dear KODT,
I get kind of inured to some of the KODT strips when
they're all lined up in a row in the comic collections, but I
had to drop a note and tell you: I read the strip in Dragon #
241 tonight (the one about the dead-end corridor), and you
quite nearly killed me. I haven't laughed so damn hard since
the Random Encounters Chart piece.
You really do have the Dilbert of the gaming world.
Dntpntc@aol.com
via email
Dear KODT,
Greetings! Long time reader, first time caller...err, writer!
I just picked up the 12th issue of KODT the other day and, as
usual, loved it. So did other people apparently, as my story
will show.
My roommate and I ordered a pizza the other night from a
local pizza chain and were awaiting its delivery. It was
raining outside and the pizza was late, but we weren't overly
worried, knowing that the bad weather sometimes slows
down delivery persons. Well, when the driver finally showed
up, he apologized for being late and said that he had had an
accident. He had hydroplaned into the back of another car.
The other car had not been damaged and pizza-man said,
"I gave the driver ten bucks as an apology, and he was
happy." However, our pizza had slid off the seat and become
a crumpled mess. The driver said that he was sorry about the
condition of the pizza and that if he could use our phone he
would get us a replacement pizza delivered. So, we let the
guy in. As he walked to the phone, he noticed the 12th issue
of KODT laying on a chair.
He said, "Oh you guys read that too?" We answered in
the affirmative. The pizza man smiled and said, "Yeah, I was
reading that issue when I ran into the guy tonight." My
roommate and I stifled our laughter until the pizza man left.
In the end, we got our new pizza. But, maybe there
should be a warning on future issues to "Not operate heavy
machinery while under the influence of KODT." *grin*
Thanks again for putting out such a great comic.
Rod Spellman
via email
I may have lost count, but I think this is the third time a
reader has reported that an issue of KODT has caused (or
nearly caused) a traffic accident. And then there’s that
disturbing incident of a mass-bedwetting at Gencon reported
a few issues ago. If this keeps up, we will require a medical-
waiver from all readers prior to purchasing a copy of
KODT. Remember folks - Don’t drive and read at the same
time!!
Jolly
 KODT FANS DEMANDED IT...
IT’S ALL HERE!!!
CRAMMED BETWEEN
TWO COVERS AND
BURSTING AT THE
SEAMS.
ALL THE KODT STRIPS
THAT HAVE APPEARED
IN:
__
DRAGON®
__
SHADIS™
__
THE FAMILIAR™
__

AVAILABLE NOW FROM YOUR

LOCAL GAME OR COMIC SHOP!!
The Barringer Rebellion
OKAY, AS YOU REACH THE TOP OF THE SAND DUNE
YOUR HEARTS SINK. THERE IS NOTHING BUT
SAND AND WASTELAND FOR AS FAR AS
THE EYE CAN SEE IN ANY DIRECTION!!
SECRET TEMPLE MY
ASS!! I THINK THAT OLD
FART AT THE BAZAAR RIPPED
US OFF WITH THAT FAKE MAP!!
BY MY CALCULATIONS YOU HAVE JUST
ENOUGH WATER TO LAST ANOTHER DAY.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE ENOUGH
FOOD TO LAST TWO DAYS.
IT LOOKS PRETTY
GRIM, FOLKS!!!
WE STILL HAVE THAT BAG OF HEFTY
CAPACITY WE TOOK FROM OL’ROT
GUT* REMEMBER?? WE SPENT A FORTUNE
FILLING THAT BAG WITH ALL KINDS OF SUPPLIES!!!
* See KODT#4: A Hole Lot of Trouble
WELL....WE’RE OBVIOUSLY LOST!! I THINK
WE SHOULD FORGET ABOUT THE
THIS SUCKS!!! SECRET TEMPLE AND START
WE’VE BEEN ROAMING
WORRYING ABOUT SURVIVAL!! B.A. I’M
AROUND IN THIS DESERT CHECKING OUR WATER SUPPLY - HOW IS IT?
FOR TWELVE DAYS!!
DAMN, I KNOW THAT TEMPLE
IS OUT HERE SOMEWHERE.
DIDN”T I TELL YA TO QUIT GIVING THAT WELL, WE BETTER START
STUPID COW ALL THAT WATER??? RATIONING THE WATER AND MAKE
NOW WE’RE SCREWED!!! IT LAST AS LONG AS POSSIBLE!!
BACK OFF JACK!!! CHELSIE
ISN’T TAKIN’ THIS DESERT HEAT TOO RELAX
GUYS!!! I THINK
WELL!!! SHE’S WEARING HERSELF OUT
SINKING IN THIS DAMN SAND!! YOU’RE FORGETTING
SOMETHING!!
I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT!!! IT WAS
HEY!!! THE BIG
GUY IS RIGHT!!! WE A MAJOR SORE SPOT
AFTER BRIAN TRIED TO STEAL IT FOR
PUT ALL KINDS OF
CRAP IN THERE!!! HIMSELF. I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER
WHAT’S IN IT ANYMORE!!
NO PROBLEMO!!
WELL...LET’S I HAVE AN
FIND OUT!! INVENTORY
LIST IN MY
BRIEF CASE!!
5
 LET’S SEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE....HMMMMM.... 2,000 ARROWS,
6 OF EVERY WEAPON IN THE PLAYER’S HANDBOOK, 60 DAGGERS,
TWENTY BAILS OF HAY, A BLACKSMITH’S FORGE, ANVIL AND
BLACKSMITH TOOLS, FIVE BARRELS OF COAL, TWO
CATAPULTS, THREE BALLISTAE, ONE BRONZE-REINFORCED RAM
ROD NAMED DOOMBRINGER, SIX SUITS OF +4 PLATEMAIL (TAKEN
FROM THE FANGDUZER BOYS), 8 KETTLES OF GREEK FIRE, ONE
SAUSAGE GRINDER, FIVE WOLF PELTS, 12 WAGONS
(UNASSEMBLED), ONE DOSE OF JOHNNY RED BLARNEY’S
MAGICAL-CURE-ALL-TONIC (GUARANTEED TO CURE HANG-
OVERS, HEADACHES, CATARACTS, SYPHILIS, ULCERS AND
OTHER COMMON HOUSEHOLD AILMENTS)......
Oooh!!! Fresh
Sausage!
....FIVE GREEN TOWELS*, A SILVER TRAY WITH TOE-NAIL
CLIPPINGS, A TAXIDERMIED CAT, A ROCK†, 1000 TEN-FOOT
WOODEN PLANKS, 5 SACKS OF NAILS, A HAND SAW, FOUR CLAW
HAMMERS, A MANUAL ON CONSTRUCTING SMALL FORTRESSES
AND DEFENSE WORKS, MY ENTIRE LIBRARY OF SPELL BOOKS, AN
EMPTY PARROT CAGE, A BROKEN PADLOCK, A STATUE OF THOR
(STOLEN FROM THE TOWN PLAZA IN GREEBLY), A RUSTY FORK,...
I WAS THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED
THE HAND SAW - REMEMBER??
...THREE TAPESTRIES, A GAZEEBO-PELT‡, A FISHING POLE AND
TACKLE, A BAG OF FERTILIZER, ONE MACAW FEATHER (MAGIC), A
COPY OF CRIMSON LOTUS’ JOURNAL, A BEAVER TRAP, A FUNNY-
LOOKING STICK, A TURTLE SHELL, AND...UH...ER............
UH-OH??? WHAT DO BRIAN??
YOU MEAN UH-OH?? WHAT’S WRONG?
WHAT UH-OH??
* See KODT#7:Five Green Towels
† See KODT#3: I Got a Rock
‡ See KODT#1: Lair of the Gazeebo
....1,500 CANDLES, TWO ROW BOATS, 8 OARS, 4 TENTS, 20 WINTER
BLANKETS, A 60 FOOT EXTENSION LADDER, 1,000 CROSSBOW
BOLTS, A SET OF MAHOGANY FURNITURE (INCLUDING AN
ARMOIRE), A CANISTER OF FURNITURE POLISH, 187,962 COPPER
PIECES, A PAIR OF MUDDY BOOTS, A PEWTER SALT SHAKER SET,
TWO CASES OF RYE WHISKEY, A KEG OF GRAIN ALCOHOL, 25,500
BAKED BRICKS, 220 BAGS OF MORTAR, 762 BAGS OF SAND,....
HEY, I THOUGHT I CALLED
DIBS ON THOSE BOOTS AGES
AGO, WHAT GIVES?
DUDE, THOSE BOOTS STILL NO WATER?
ARE OGRE-SIZED
...THREE MONTH SUPPLY OF IRON RATIONS FOR EACH OF US, 50
SKINS OF THE FINEST WINE, SEVEN BARRELS OF WATER, SEVEN
MILES OF STRONG ROPE, 100 TORCHES, 200 FLASKS OF OIL, 10
HOODED LANTERNS, 10 BULLSEYE LANTERNS, A SNAKE SKIN, TWO
WAR DRUMS, A BOX OF DUNGEON DEBRIS, A BAG OF CHALK, A
SPOOL OF SILK, A WAR CHARIOT (WITH A WHEEL MISSING), ...
HOODY-HOO!!!!! (WHEW) I WAS
FOOD AND WATER!!! GETTING WORRIED.
WE’RE
SAVED!
I, UH......I, UH....I THINK WE MAY HAVE
A LITTLE PROBLEM!!
6
 ACCORDING TO THIS SHEET WE
HAVE fi¤fi HENCHMEN
PROBLEM? WHAT PROBLEM?? AND HIRELINGS
WHERE’S THE PROBLEM?? IN THE BAG!!!* I USED
TO FEED ‘EM AND STUFF AND
BRING ‘EM OUT FOR FRESH AIR
DID YOU FORGET TO EVERY MONTH OR SO.
SPIT IT OUT BRIAN!!!
WHAT’S WRONG?? RECORD SOMETHING??

OH YEAH!! I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT MY YOU GOT BOOTSTRAP YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU’VE BEEN
HENCHMEN. WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES?? HARRY AND FERRET- HAULING THEM AROUND IN THAT BAG
SERGEANT BARRINGER, FACED EDDIE DOWN THERE?? OF HEFTY STORAGE ALL
MADMAN WILLIE, AND WHO WAS THEY USED TO BE PRETTY GOOD THESE MONTHS???
THE LITTLE BASTARD WHO USED TO RIDE SICK- TRACKERS!!! MAYBE THEY CAN LEAD
CALL ALL THE TIME?? DURTY JAKE!!! US OUT OF THIS DESERT!! HEY, I HAD A LOT
ON MY MIND!!

AND YOU SAY YOU “USED” TO FEED THEM??? WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE’LL HAVE TO DIG A MASS GRAVE AND
I’M AFRAID TO ASK THIS QUESTION, BUT HOW BURY SOME BODIES. WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?? AT LEAST
LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU’VE FED THEM?? THIS DESERT SAND WILL MAKE FOR EASY DIGGIN’.

WHO CARES, I DUNNO. SIX OF LORDY!! CAN YOU I’M SO DISSAPOINTED

SARA??? THEY’RE JUST MONTHS OF GAME IMAGINE THE IN YOU, BRIAN. I CAN’T
NPC’S FOR GAWD’S SAKE!! TIME, MAYBE. SMELL?? EVEN TELL YOU.
GIVE OR TAKE A I BET THEY’RE PRETTY
THINK OF ALL RIPE BY NOW!!
THE MONEY WE FEW WEEKS. WELL, I GUESS
SAVED ON FOOD!! I’LL (GULP) LOOK
IN THE BAG!!

* See KODT#8: Balance of Terror 7

 OKAY, YOU LOOK IN THE BAG AND GET THE
SHOCK OF YOUR LIFE!!! IT’S OH MAN, SOMEBODY MUST HAVE
EMPTY!!!! WELL...EMPTY EXCEPT FOR A SWITCHED BAGS ON US.
SMALL FORTRESS MADE OF WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH A
BRICK, MORTAR AND OAKEN PLANKS. STUPID FORTRESS?? WHAT THE HELL IS
GOING ON?? I’M REACHING
IN TO PULL THE
HUH? WHAT THE HELL YOU DON’T FORTRESS OUT AND...
HAPPENED TO ALL THINK....
OUR STUFF??

GUYS, DON’T YOU SOMETHING AIN’T RIGHT,

TAKE ¤› POINTS OF WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON SEE? I THINK.... HERE!!! I’M GONNA PEEK
DAMAGE, BRIAN!!! HERE?? WE MUST HAVE INSIDE THE BAG AGAIN.
YOU JUST TOOK A CATAPULTED STUMBLED INTO THE WHAT DO I SEE?
BOULDER TO THE FACE!!! TWILIGHT ZONE!!

CATAPULT?? FROM
WHO?? FROM WHERE??

YOU SEE A GROUP OF MEN UP ON THE PARAPET OF THE IDIOTS!! FIGURE IT OUT!!
MY SERGEANT THEY’VE BEEN LIVING OFF OUR
FORTRESS RELOADING A CATAPULT. ONE OF THEM BARRINGER???
SEEMS TO BE GIVING ORDERS. YOU RECOGNIZE HIM AS SUPPLIES!!! AND
YOU MEAN ALL OUR MEN THEY’VE BUILT A FORTRESS!!
SERGEANT BARRINGER!!! ARE STILL ALIVE??

BUT HOW’D THEY

SURVIVE ALL THIS BASTARDS!!! THEY
TIME WITHOUT ANY HAVE ALL OUR STUFF!!!!
FOOD OR WATER?? MY SPELL BOOKS! MY
MAHOGANY FURNITURE!!
MY ARMOIRE!!

8
TWENTY MINUTES LATER... THEY GOT US OVER A BARRELL GUYS!!! WE NEED THAT FOOD AND
WATER OR WE’RE DONE FOR!!! I THINK WE SHOULD NEGOTIATE!!
YOUR FRONTAL ASSAULT IS QUICKLY
REPULSED!!!! AS YOU CHARGE TOWARD THE KEEP A
SHOWER OF ARROWS AND CROSSBOW
BOLTS RAIN DOWN ON YOU. YOU RUN OUT OF THE BAG, NEGOTIATE??
BARELY ESCAPING WITH YOUR LIVES!! YOU MEAN PARLEY??? I AGREE BRIAN!!! WE
FOR OUR OWN STUFF?? SHOULD TRY TO
DAMN, WE CAN’T NO WAY!! WE’LL NO WAY!!! REASON WITH THEM.
EVEN GET CLOSE DESTORY ALL OUR
ENOUGH TO HACK ANY STUFF!! INCLUDING THE
OF THEM!!! LET’S FOOD AND WATER!!! HAVE YOU NO PRIDE?? WE’LL SEND
BURN THEM OUT!! DAMN!!! THAT SGT THEY’RE JUST NPC’S KNOBBY FOOT
BARRINGER IS A FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! UNDER A FLAG OF
TOUGH HOMBRE!! TRUCE TO NEGOTIATE!!

OKAY, WE GIVE KNOBBY FOOT A WHITE OKAY, KNOBBY FOOT RELUCTANTLY AGREES TO GO IN FOR
FLAG AND WE TELL HIM OUR DEMANDS. YOU. HE MARCHES UP TO THE GATE OF THE FORTRESS AND THEY LET
BARRINGER AND HIS MEN WILL THROW DOWN HIM IN. YOU WAIT....AND WAIT....AND WAIT. FORTY MINUTES
THEIR ARMS AND SURRENDER!!! OTHER WISE PASS AND YOU SEE A DARK LITTLE FIGURE EMERGE
WE KILL THEM ALL - TO THE LAST MAN!!! FROM THE FORTRESS AND HEAD TOWARD YOU. FINALLY, IT EMERGES
FROM THE BAG AND YOU REALIZE IT’S KNOBBY FOOT!! HE’S
I DUNNO! MAYBE WE BEEN TARRED-AND-FEATHERED!!. HE SAYS SERGEANT
YEAH!!! AND IT WILL BE A SHOULDN’T BE SO
SLOW AND PAINFUL HEAVY HANDED GUYS.
DEATH TOO!!
BARRINGER SENT HIM
OUT WITH A
MESSAGE TO
DELIVER.
NUTS¡¡¡

CUTE VERY CUTE!!! I STICK MY HEAD IN THE BAG AND YA BETTER BREAK OUT THE BATTLE-
SCREAM, “YER ALL GONNA DIE IN THERE!” REAL LOUD!! BOARD AND GUMMY-BEARS B.A.!!! CAUSE AS
SOON AS WE’RE OUT OF THIS DESERT....
OKAY, YOU HEAR A OH MY!!! THEY KNEW
CATAPULT HOW IMPORTANT THAT
BEING
FIRED!!! TAKE 18
ARMOIR WAS TO BRIAN!! WE’RE
POINTS OF DAMAGE,
BOB!!! YOU WERE DAMN!!! GOIN’ TA
JUST HIT WITH A
MAHOGANY
WAR¡¡¡
ARMOIR!!

9
Go Figure!
OKAY, THE BARRINGER’S PHALANX EMERGES FROM THE SOUTH CORNER OF THE FORTRESS TO EXECUTE A
BEAUTIFUL FLANKING MANUVEUR ON YOU. UH...DAVE, CAN YOU MOVE THE GUMMY BEARS UP BEHIND
THE PENCILS?? AT THE SAME TIME THE BOOT STRAP’S ARCHERS TO THE NORTH LAUNCH A
COORDINATED ATTACK!. CAN YOU MOVE THE M&M’S FOUR SQUARES TO THE SOUTH?
NO, THEY’RE THE CHOCOLATE COATED
DAMN IT!! HOLD ON A MINUTE!! I CASHEWS!! I THOUGHT THE
RAISENETTES WERE THE ARCHERS???
¡¡
THOUGHT THE GUMMYBEARS
REPRESENTED OUR MERCENARIES??

GAWD, I’M SO
CONFUSED!!

THE CASHEWS ARE OUR MERCENARIES?? THAT’S IT!!! I’M MOVING MY CHARACTER BACK TO
DAMN, I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST ANOTHER SNACK. I’VE BEEN THE REAR SO I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON YOU. I DON’T WANT YOU
MUNCHIN’ ON ‘EM PRETTY HEAVY DOWN HERE. CASTING ANYMORE SPELLS UNLESS....HEY WAIT A
MINUTE?? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CHARACTER??
I THOUGHT WE WERE WAIT A IT’S THE JOLLY-POACHER SWEET-N-
TAKING SOME HEAVY MINUTE!!! THEN SOUR CANDY!!
CASUALTIES ON THE WHO DID YOU CAST THAT UH...ON THE
LEFT FLANK. WHAT MASS-HEALING SPELL ON M&M’S OF THAT WAS YOU?? NO BRIAN’S THE BOTTLE
WERE YOU LAST ROUND?? COURSE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE CAP. RIGHT BRIAN??
THINKING?? UH-OH. BOTTLE CAP?? SORRY!
NO, I’M A
FOUR-SIDER.

DAMN!

COME ON GUYS!! YOU’VE BEEN TRYING TO CONQUER THE BAG OF OH I REMEMBER!! THE RED M&M’S ARE
HEFTY CAPACITY FOR FOUR HOURS!!! NOW YOU GOT ME PIKE SOLDIERS AND THE GREEN
CONFUSED. IF THE CHOCOLATE COATED CASHEWS M&M’S ARE CATAPULT CREWS!!
REPRESENT THE MERCENARIES THEN WHERE THE HELL IS I SAID I WAS OOPS!! YOU BETTER SCRATCH
FERRET-FACE FREDDIE’S PIKE BATTALION?? SORRY! A FEW PIKEMEN, B.A.!! I HAVE
A WEAK SPOT FOR THE RED
WHO THE HELL ONES!!
CARES??? DAVE
ATE MY JOLLY-
POACHER!!!

10
AFTER THE BATTLE.....
WHAT A GOOD IDEA!! IT WOULD BE A
WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW OFF
WE NEED TO GET OUR HANDS ON
WHAT A YOUR MINIATURE PAINTING SKILLS, BRIAN!!
SOME REAL HONEST-TO-GOODNESS
DISASTER!!!
LEAD MINIATURES!!
WE’VE BEEN BUILDING UP TO
BRIAN MY MAIN MAN, WHY DON’T YOU
THIS BATTLE FOR THREE HUH??? NO WAY IN HELL WE’RE PLAYING
BREAK INTO YOUR FIGURE
WEEKS AND IT WAS WITH MY MINIATURES. ARE YOU
COLLECTION AND BRING THEM
TOTAL CHAOS!! NUTS?? THEY’RE WORKS OF ART!!! YOU
TO THE GAME NEXT WEEK??
DON’T PLAY WITH THEM!!

GREAT IDEA!!!

WOULD YOU ASK DIVINCI IF YOU COULD PLAY WITH

WELL THIS TOTALLY SUCKS!!! I SAY
THE MONA LISA?? WOULD YOU ASK MICHAEL ANGELO
WE USE THE GROUP TREASURY AND INVEST IN A FEW
IF YOU COULD PLAY IN HIS STUDIO???
MINIATURES AND PROPS FOR FUTURE BATTLES.
I DON’T THINK SO!!! MY FIGURES ARE FOR SHOW!!!
THEY WILL NEVER BE TOUCHED BY HUMAN HANDS!!!
LOOKS LIKE A
I AGREE!! MAJORITY VOTE!!!
HERE, HERE!!! I VOTE FOR WE SHOULD MAKE
YOU GOT MY MINIATURES!! A LIST OF WHAT
VOTE!! WE WANT!!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...

OKAY, I HAVE ONE GNOME TORCH A DWARVEN THIEF-FIGHTER WITH A BRAIDED BEARD, BRANDISHING A
BEARER, ONE HUMAN FIGHTER, ONE CROSSBOW AND WEARING STUDDED LEATHER ARMOR. HE SHOULD ALSO
FEMALE RANGER (FULLY CLOTHED), ONE HAVE A HOODED CAPE. OOH OOOH, IF YOU CAN, FIND ONE WITH A RING ON HIS
GRAND WIZARD WITH BROWNIE LEFT HAND, MIDDLE FINGER THAT WOULD ROCK!!!
FAMILIAR, A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF
ORCS, GNOLLS, GNOMES, MAKE SURE MY FIGHTER OH BROTHER!!! GREAT!! THIS WILL
LIZARDMEN ETC. ONE COW (MAGICAL- HAS A HUGE SWORD!!
REALLY ENHANCE
LOOKING, IF THEY HAVE ONE), AND...WHAT’S THIS THE GAME!!
AGAIN BOB? I CAN’T READ YOUR WRITING.

11
 THE NEXT DAY..... WEIRD PETE’S

ISN’T SHE BEAUTIFUL??

THIS IS KIT M-24 OFFICAL HACKMASTER™ THEY’RE HERE!!!!
TOURNEY SITE
BORDERLAND KEEP!!
HHACKME
A C K M ETAL
AL
GET YOUR THE OFFICIAL HACKMASTER
CHARACTER OPE
TATTOOS THIS N LINE OF MINIATURES
SATURDAY!! AND DIORAMAS!

50% OFF!!! RIENDEER SLAYER!!!

includes Toy Shop Assault and Rebe atures
l Claus!! PAINTBALL GARY JACKSON 95% off all Troll limb min
GUNS MUST HOLIDAY CD
BE CHECKED JUST IN!!
AT COUNTER

FIFTY NINE BUCKS AND TAX AND SHE’S ALL YOURS!!!

I’LL EVEN THROW IN A BAG OF 100 DEFECTIVE DEFECTIVE??
HACKMETAL FIGURES!! DARN, I WAS GIVEN
THERE’S HARDLY ANYTHING WRONG A LIST OF SPECIFIC
WITH THEM. THEY JUST DIDN’T PASS MINIATURES TO GET.
QUALITY CONTROL THAT’S ALL. BUT THIS IS QUITE A
DEAL.
HMMMMM..THE
HELL WITH IT. THE
GUYS ARE GOING TO
LOVE HAVING A
DIORAMA TO PLAY
WITH. I’LL TAKE IT!!

GUESS HOW
MANY DICE
ARE IN THE
LAVA LAMP!!

THE FOLLOWING WEEK... WELL AT LEAST HE HAS CLOTHES ON. MINE’S

WHAT THE HELL IS
THIS?? HE’S GOT TWO LEFT
HANDS AND NO FACE!!! IS THIS
SOME KIND OF JOKE??
COMPLETELY NAKED EXCEPT FOR A PAIR OF KNEE-
YOU’RE LUCKY!!! MINE’S FEET ARE ON HIGH LEATHER BOOTS. WHAT GIVES??
BACKWARDS!! AND HE’S GOT BREASTS...
BIG ONES!!!
MINE JUST LOOKS LIKE A
BLOB OF METAL!!

12
 NO WAY THIS BIMBO IS
UGGGHHH!!! DUDE, STOMP ON GOING TO REPRESENT
THAT THING AND PUT IT OUT IT’S MELINA THE RANGER!!
MISERY!!! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO
DOG-BUTT UGLY!! I KNDA FEEL SORRY FOR IT. LIKE THAT
TWO-HEADED GOAT THEY HAD WHAT THE HELL IS
AT THE FOUR-H FAIR LAST YEAR. THIS?? MAYBE IT’S A
SHAMBLING MOUND SLEEPING IN THE
FETAL POSITION.

ALRIGHT, YOU GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO YOU MEAN YOU PAID B.A., HOW IN THE WORLD
DO, B.A.!!! WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?? WHAT’S FOR THESE?? DID YOU LET PETE TALK
WITH THE CRAPPY MINIATURES?? WITH YOU INTO TAKING THESE
MONEY?? OFF HIS HANDS?? MAYBE IT’S A WATER
I GOT A GREAT DEAL ELEMENTAL - ONLY
ON THEM GUYS!!! I HAGGLED SQUISHED!
POOR WEIRD PETE DOWN TO
NEXT TO NOTHING!!

I CAN’T USE THIS!! A NAVEL-RING??? THE HELL

WILL YOU GUYS QUIT
WHINING ABOUT THE
FIGURES?? LOOK AT THIS
GREAT KEEP WE HAVE!!!
EL RAVAGER WITH THIS! I’M GOING DOWN TO WEIRD
KEEP¿¿¡¡ WHO GIVES A DOESN’T HAVE PETE’S AND PICKING OUT MY OWN FIGURE.
DAMN ABOUT YOUR BREASTS!! HEY BRIAN
STINKIN’ KEEP?? YOU WANNA TRADE??
THIS FREAKIN’ MINIATURE A DISEMBOWELLED
JELLYFISH??
DOESN’T HAVE A FACE!!

13
AFTER FORTY MINUTES OF COMPLAINING≥≥≥
ALRIGHT ALREADY....ALRIGHT¡¡ I’LL MEET YOU THERE DAVE. HEY,
LOOK GUYS, THERE’S STILL ¤fi DEAL!!! I’M GOING BRIAN, WOULD YOU BE A DEAR AND
BUCKS LEFT IN THE TO PICK OUT A PAINT OUR MINIATURES FOR US!!
TREASURY. WHY DON’T YOU MINIATURE WORTHY YEAH, I’M GOING
JUST DIVVY IT UP AND GO PICK OUT OF REPRESENTING DOWN TO WEIRD SURE, YOU WANT SLOP-N-GO,
YOUR OWN LOUSY KNUCKLES PETE’S FIRST THING TABLE-TOP, OR MUSEUM
MINIATURES!!! WILL THAT THE SIXTH!! IN THE MORNING!!! QUALITY? I HAVE A PRICING
MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY?? BROCHURE IN MY BRIEF CASE!!

OKAY, I’LL GIVE YOU A TWENTY PERCENT

DISCOUNT AND THROW IN A FREE ANNUAL
PRICING???? WE’RE TOUCH-UP SESSION AND THREE
YOU’RE FRIENDS..YOU...YOU... YEAH¡¡ COATS OF DURO-SHEEN!!
CHISLER¡¡¡ WE’RE NOT STRANGERS OFF
THE STREET YA KNOW!!

THE FOLLOWING WEEK≥≥≥ EARL LET THAT PIECE GO??

IT’S FROM EARL SLACKMOZER’S PERSONAL COLLECTION. WHAT AN IDIOT!!!
I HAD TO PAY A PRETTY PENNY FOR IT, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. IT’S AN YOU’VE GOT A HISTORICAL PIECE
AUTHENTIC METALRAGE FIGURE HANDCRAFTED IN 1978 OF WORK THERE BOB!! I DON’T
WOW!! THAT’S SOME THINK YOU SHOULD BE SUBJECTING
BEFORE THEY WENT UNDER. IT’S AWESOME!!
FIGURE, BOB!! WHERE ON IT TO THE RIGORS OF PLAY!!
EARTH DID YOU FIND IT? OOOOOOOHHH,
MY PRECIOUS! BEAUTIFUL!!
EARL
SLACKMOZER??

14
 LET’S SEE YOUR’S DUDE!! GAAA!!! WHAT
WHAT’S THAT YELLOW THE HELL IS THAT?? IT’S FURRY!!!
DISK ON KNUCKLES’ BASE?

OH....IT’S JUST COTTON FIBRES

THAT GOT STUCK IN THE PAINT. I WENT WITH
OH, I SOUPED HIM UP A THE SLOP-N-GO COAT!!
BIT; I GLUED A DISK-
SHAPED PENCIL
SHARPNER TO HIS
BASE SO NOW I’LL NEVER KEWL HUH?? THAT DOESN’T
BE WITHOUT A SHARP BEANS¡¡ PENCIL EXPLAIN THE COTTON FIBRES!
PENCIL AND KNUCKLES SHARPENER/MINI
CAN’T POSSIBLY FALL ATURE BASE??
AND CHIP!!! HMMN, GOOD IDEA, YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY
FOR! SLOP-N-GO’S GET
PAINTED WITH A Q-TIP
SWAB! CAMEL HAIR
BRUSHES AIN’T CHEAP!

E
IBBL
SCR BLE
IB
SCR

15
The Best Little Warhorse
OKAY AS YOU ROUND THE BEND IN THE TRAIL A SMALL VILLAGE LOOMS INTO I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE SHE DIDN’T
SIGHT. WHISPERING-STREAMS OF SMOKE RISE FROM THE CHIMNEYS OF A MAKE THAT SIMPLE JUMP. DAMN!!
HALF-DOZEN BUILDINGS. THERE APPEARS TO BE A SMALL TEMPLE, A YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN A HORSE WEARING
GENERAL STORE, A BLACKSMITH SHOP AND OF COURSE AN INN. PLATE-BARDING AND LOADED DOWN WITH
75,000 GOLD PIECES, SIX TAPESTRIES AND A
MAYBE THE BLACKSMITH HAS A HORSE FAT DWARF COULDN’T JUMP A GORGE!!
TO SELL!! I’VE GOT TO FIND A THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A
REPLACEMENT FOR DOOR STOP!!. HEADWIND!! I’M SURE MY
CALCULATIONS WERE CORRECT!

OKAY, THE BLACKSMITH TAKES YOU OUT BACK AND SHOWS
YOU WHAT HE HAS. THERE ARE TWO BINS. ONE TO THE
LEFT AND ONE TO THE RIGHT. THE BLACKSMITH
USHERS YOU QUICKLY TOWARD THE RIGHT. THERE ARE
FOUR OR FIVE RATHER ORDINARY LOOKING HORSES
MUNCHING ON A PILE OF STRAW.
YOU SEE WHAT APPEARS TO BE A SMALL MULE!! TW0
STABLE BOYS ARE BUSY TENDING TO IT. ONE IS BRUSHING DOWN
THE MULE’S COAT. THE OTHER STABLE BOY IS HOLDING A
BUCKET FILLED WITH OATS AND BARELY WHILE THE MULE
EATS FROM IT. THE BLACKSMITH NOTICES YOU LOOKING
TOWARD THE MULE AND QUICKLY STEPS IN FRONT OF YOU.

ORDINARY?? I WANT SOMETHING

SPECIAL. SAY, HE SEEMED PRETTY QUICK TO
LEAD ME AWAY FROM THAT PIN ON THE
LEFT. WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?? I’M LOOKING
OVER IN THAT DIRECTION. WHAT DO I SEE??
“NOTHING IN THAT BIN WORTH
HE’S UP TO YOUR ATTENTION” HE SAYS
SOMETHING!! NERVOUSLY, “NOW....IF YOU
WOULD LIKE TO PICK OUT A
HORSE OVER HERE...”

HELLO!!! SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY GOING

ON HERE. THIS JERK REALLY DOESN’T I THINK YOU’RE ON TO GUYS....IT’S JUST A MULE.
WANT ME LOOKING AT THIS MULE HUH?? I’M SOMETHING, BOB!!! LOOK HOW HE’S
STILL.....THIS GUY IS ACTING PAMPERING IT. MUST
MARCHING PAST HIM TOWARD THE MULE. DONT’ WORRY, I’VE GOT VERY SUSPICIOUS.
YOU COVERED. BE A PRETTY
HE FRANTICALLY BEGS YOU SPECIAL MULE!!
TO IGNORE THE MULE!! HE
SAYS IT’S NOT EVEN WORTHY
OF YOUR TIME OR ATTENTION.

16
 GAMEMASTERS WORKSHOP
Kingdom of Ozhvinmish
A LESSON IN TELLENEAN GEOGRAPHY
he largest of the Svimohzish
nations, (population 1,875,000)
Ozhvinmishii lands run along the
entire Svimohzish coast, from Meznamish to
Ahznomahn. Ozhvinmishii borders do not
spread inland to a considerable distance; its
borders are hemmed in by the Imomena
Hills, Svomawhom Forest and the ocean.
King Shahn III claims control of both the
Svomawhom Forest and the Imomena Hills.
In actuality, he holds no sway over the
Svomawhom Forest. It is a dangerous place,
being home to outlaws, bandits and all types
of unsavory beasts. Additionally, Shahn
controls only the northern Imomena Hills,
because several Zazahnii lords not only
claim, but jealously patrol the southern por-
tion of the Hills.
The modern Kingdom of Ozhvinmish is
actually run as two separate states. The
western state is ruled directly by His Royal
Majesty, King Shahn III, while the eastern
state is ruled by a steward from one of the
other royal houses. A steward is appointed
every 13 years by the King. The steward
answers directly to the King but, in all other
respects, runs eastern Ozhvinmish as he sees
fit. The current steward is Ahzimian of the
House of Nhasahm.
The western state’s capital, Ashoshani,
lies at the northern tip of the Miznoh Forest.
Ashoshani (population 90,000), which is
also the Ozhvinmishii national capital, has a
strong lumber trade and a powerful ship-
wright guild. Many ships on the Straits of
Svimohzia were built from Miznoh Forest
lumber and a good portion of those were
built by Ashoshani shipbuilders. Curiously,
the King traditionally resides in Vinahn, a
citadel on the coast fifty miles east of the
capital.
The eastern state’s capital, Svowmahni
(population 110,000) was built on Cape
ii
Thahz. This is where most Ozhvinmishii
trade takes place and where almost all foreign
trade occurs. Foreign trade with the Elos and
Whimdol Bay cities is very strong here. Gems
from the Imomena Hills are regularly
exchanged here and, as a result, the road to the
Imomena Hills is a dangerous place. This is
primarily due to the bandits and humanoids
living in the Svomawhom Forest who waylay
any prospectors, gem diggers or other group
that looks like it might have some money.
Ozhvinmish is currently on friendly terms
with Meznamish and most of the cities and
towns along the Elos Desert. Ozhvins gener-
ally show admiration mixed with a heavy dose
of jealousy towards Ahznomahn. This is due
to the superior trade status Ahznomahn holds
with most of eastern Tellene, especially the
Kalamaran Empire. Additionally,
Ozhvinmishii merchants never seem to be on
the better end of deals made with
Ahznomahnii merchants.
The Halls of the Valiant, the Courts of
Justice, the Cathedral of Light, Temple of the
Three Strengths, Temple of the Armed
Conflict, the Order of Thought, Church of the
Endless Night, the Temple of Sleepless Night
and the Conventicle of Affliction have sizable
followings here. Worship of the evil religions
is not allowed in the capital, so their temples
are located outside the city walls. They are on
the decline, though, as local lords are raising
opposition to the more evil sects.
Ozhvinmish has by far the largest army,
and is probably the strongest kingdom in
Svimohzia. The Ozhvinmishii army consists
of 500 light footmen (marines), 1,000 heavy
footmen, 4,00 cavalry, 3,000 hobilar and
1,000 bowmen/crossbowmen. Ozhvinmish
also has a considerable fleet, although its
ships are somewhat weaker than Meznamishii
ships, and slower than the smaller
Ahznomahnii vessels.
 GAMEMASTERS WORKSHOP
Adventurer Summoning
This fantasy adventure is recommended for
use with two to eight mid-level characters, but it
is adaptable for use with more or less experi-
enced PCs by adjusting the strength and numbers
of the adversaries. An even mix of the standard
character classes would be ideal. The PCs should
be of good alignment.
This scenario will put the players in the
unusual situation of fighting good creatures
against their will. The adventure takes place at
the junction of the northeastern Imomena Hills
and the Svomawhom Forest on the (disputed)
southern border of the Kingdom of Ozhvinmish.
Most human inhabitants avoid this area beacuse
of the unsavory character of the Svomawhom
denizens. The northeastern Imomenas are
sparsely inhabited by hearty gem prospectors or
shepherds but even these occupants favor the
southern heights. Small outposts of fair non-
human folk (centaurs, elves, gnomes and
halflings) whose ancestors were instrumental in
driving the humanoids under the Lozhens ages
ago remain in little traveled valleys.
The Hook for the PCs
While the PCs are either travelling in the
wilderness or relaxing during a pause for a meal,
they will become unwilling participants in a
Monster Summoning spell. Hyras, a priest of the
Great Deceiver posing as a warrior/mage will
summon the PCs to his aid using a mage scroll of
Monster Summoning (a priest of the Great
Deceiver has the ability to read mage scrolls - see
the “New Character Classes” section). The
summoning takes place during the beginning of
his raid on a small centaur lair. The characters
will be compelled to assist the aggressors as they
ruthlessly attack the surprised centaurs. If the
attack is successful, the PCs will disappear from
the scene and magically return to their location
prior to the summoning. No doubt they will be
furious at being used in such a fashion and will
want to immediately search for clues to the
whereabouts of the gnoll band.
In order to determine the number of PCs
vi
who are affected by the spell, the gamemaster
should allow all the players to make saving throws
versus magic with a -4 penalty until at least half of
their ranks are affected by the spell. Those who
fail their save will be summoned by the spell, those
who make the save will not be affected in any way.
The Battle Begins
Hyras intends to use his summoned monsters
(the PCs) as shock troops. The gnolls will fan out
behind the PCs to cut off escape and torch build-
ings. The summoning spell will last 13 rounds
which should be sufficient time for the battle to
unfold. If Hyras ends the spell, the duration
expires or the summoned characters are defeated,
they will vanish, returning to the place they were
before the spell was cast.
The Centaur Lair
The lair lies within a beautiful glen with rich
greenery and a gentle stream. Several simply-built
one story buildings occupy the valley. The total
population of the lair consists of 12 adult males, 24
adult females, 11 young females and 14 young
males. There are also two elves who are visiting
with the centaurs at the time of the invasion. There
are only three adult males in the centaur lair during
the time of the attack. The centaurs speak only
their own language.
The treasure of the centaur village is distrib-
uted among the different inhabitants and their
homes. It consists of a +1 magic shield, a +1
magic lance, 941 gc, 8 wrought silver rings (200
gc each), 57 gems (10 gc), 17 gems (50 gc), 7 gems
(100 gc), and oil of impact.
3 Adult Male Centaurs: AR 5 (4 if using a
shield), THACO 17, 3 attacks (1-6/1-6 + by
weapon), HTK 23, 25, 21. 175 XP each.
weapons: 6 oaken clubs (d1-6), 3 composite long-
bows (38 arrows, d1-6), 3 lances (d1-8 or d2-24 for
a charge), 3 shields
24 Adult Female Centaurs: AR 5, THACO
17, 2 attacks (1-6/1-6), HTK 4, 6, 7, 8x3, 9x5,
10x2, 11, 12x4, 13, 14, 15x2, 16 , 17. 65 XP each.
11 Young Female Centaurs: AR 6, 2 attacks
(1-4/1-4), THACO 18, HTK 3, 4, 5, 6, 7x2, 9x2,
 GameMasters Workshop™
10, 11, 12. 35 XP each.
14 Young Male Centaurs: AR 6, 2 attacks
(1-4/1-4), THACO 18, HTK 4, 5, 6, 7, 8x2, 9,
10x2, 11x3, 12, 13. 35 XP each.
Harlyaeni: third level elven fighter, AR 4,
THACO 18, HTK 20, DMG 1-6 or 1-8, 120 XP.
S15, I12, W9 D14, C13, C15, Possessions: elven
chainmail, medium shield, long bow, longsword.
Weriadon: second level elven fighter/mage,
AR 4, THACO 19, HTK 13, DMG 1-8, 120 XP.
S13, I16, W12 D11, C10, C12, Spells: Grease,
Spook. Possessions: elven chainmail, medium
shield, longsword, long bow.
Nine other Centaurs inhabit the Centaur
Village but are currently out hunting. 8 Adult
Male Centaurs: AR 5 (4 if using a shield),
THACO 17, 3 attacks (1-6/1-6 + by weapon),
weapons: oaken clubs (d1-6). Reveya, Priest of
the Old Oak (Seed), AR 5 (4 if using a shield),
THACO 17, 3 attacks (1-6/1-6 + by weapon),
HTK 22. 175 XP, oaken club, silver acorn,
shield, robes. +2 to save vs. fire and electrical.
Spell: Entangle.
The Gnoll Band
10 Gnolls: AR 5, THACO 19, HTK 9 each,
DMG 1-6 (Glaive), 35 XP each. Hyras, fifth
level priest of the Great Deceiver, S16, I13,
W16, D10, C10, Ch11, AR 5, THACO 18, HTK
24, DMG 1-10 (2-handed sword), 650 XP.
Special Abilities: PP35, OL29, FRT25, MS21,
HS15, HN10, CW86, immune to detect lie spell,
alter alignment aura, read magic script and may
use mage scrolls. Languages: Merchant’s
Tongue, Svimozish, Brandobian, Kalamaran,
gnoll, thieves’ cant, elven, hobgoblin.
Possessions: Gauntlets of Fumbling (not worn),
Pearl of Wisdom, Potions of Polymorph Self,
Diminution, Scroll - Fly.. First level spells (5):
Change Self x 2, Command.. Second level spells
(5): Hold Personx2, Charm Person or Mammal.
Third level spells (1): Summon Insects. Giant
Snake, “Mother” the constrictor, AR 5, THACO
15, HTK 27, DMG 1-4 (bite) / 2-8 (constriction),
650 XP. Hyras keeps Mother as his pet.
The Gnoll Lair
The gnolls live in the Svomawhom forest
not far from the Immomena Hills. They are led
by Hyras, a human priest pretending to be a half-
gnoll. The gnolls just recently moved to this
vii
area. Hyras moved them here after he slew their
leader. He felt raiding the good folk of the
Immomena Hills was a great way harness the
gnolls’ natural desire to kill and maim others and
keep them from turning on him. Hyras also hopes
to gain personal wealth from raiding the other peo-
ple of the Immomena hills at little risk to himself.
The gnoll lair is little more than a large natural
cavern surrounded by campsites. The natural cav-
ern was a fortunate find for the group since there is
little industriousness among the gang-like gnolls.
They continuously bicker over who will perform
chores, hunt, stand watch and build needed shelter.
Consequently, some expert miners such as dwarves
or gnomes would make a prize capture. Failing
this, they are considering employment of orcs or
hobgoblins if enough payment can be secured.
Even the se employees could later become slaves if
the gnolls clearly have the upper hand.
The following inhabitants occupy the gnoll
camp (in addition to the 10 adult male gnolls listed
previously). 11 Adult Male Gnolls: AR 5,
THACO 19, HTK 9 each, DMG 1-6 (Glaive), 35
XP each. 11 Adult Female Gnolls: AR 5, THACO
20, HTK 5 each, DMG 1-6 (spear), 15 XP each. 13
Young Gnolls: AR 9, THACO 20, HTK 2 each,
DMG 1-4 (bite), 15 XP each. Gronen, gnoll sub-
leader, AR 4, THACO 17, HTK 16, DMG 1-10
(two-handed sword), 65 XP. Home brewed Potion
of Healing (just 1-4 HTK recovered). 4
Hyaenodons (giant hyenas), AR 7, THACO 15,
HTK 17, 19, 21, 22, DMG 3-12 (bite), 175 XP.
The treasure of the gnoll lair is distributed
among the stronger inhabitants. It consists of 5
gems (10 gc), 100 ec, 40 gc, or equivalent. They
also have an impressive store of spices including
salt, peppers of all sorts, garlic, dried onions and
many other “hot” flavored spices (15 gc).
Amends to the Centaurs
Making amends to the centaurs will be very
difficult since they are already distrustful of out-
siders. The centaurs themselves will be patrolling
the area in small groups and on the lookout for
those responsible for the attack. It is possible that
the PCs may encounter an angry centaur patrol (5
males) before they find the gnolls and get to the
bottom of the attack. Any centaur survivors would
have surely described the PCs so avoiding attack
from the centaurs will take some fast talking,
indeed.
AFTER READING “ADVENTURER SUMMONING” B.A. FELTON THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE THE
PERFECT ADVENTURE FOR HIS NEXT GAME SESSION. AS THE PLAYERS ASSEMBLE, B.A. SITS
BEHIND HIS SCREEN TO RUN HIS “BEST ADVENTURE EVER¡¡” LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS...

OKAY, SINCE EVERYONE BUT KNOBBY FOOT MISSED HE LOOKS EVIL, CAN I GET
THEIR SAVING THROWS, YOU ALL MAGICALLY HOLD ON THERE ANOTHER SAVE AND ATTACK
DISAPPEAR FROM YOUR CAMPSITE AND APPEAR GAME-DEWD. THE GNOLLS INSTEAD?
BEFORE AN EVIL-LOOKING MAGE HOLDING A EL RAVAGER DOES-
SCROLL. AROUND HIM ARE SEVERAL LARGE GNOLLS. THE N’T HACK FOR FREE!!!!
MAGE SLOWLY POINTS TO A PLEASANT VALLEY ‘THIS SWORD SWORD IS CENTAURS, HUH? I HOPE THEY’RE
UP AHEAD AND ORDERS YOU TO SLAY THE FOR HIRE ONLY!! NON- MOSTLY FEMALES AND YOUNG
GOOD CENTAURS THAT LIVE IN THE VALLEY. NEGOTIABLE!! BECAUSE AN ADULT MALE CAN DO
SOME HEFTLY HTK, ESPECIALLY
sorry sar, you OOOOOH, MAGIC!! TRY TO WITH A CHARGE!
all MUST PICKPOCKET THE MAGE.
attack the
helpless cen-
taur village.

LATER... HAHAHAHA!! ANOTHER 18, EL

RAVAGER SLAYS YET ANOTH- I’ll cast a slow Right behind ya with 4,
I’M SEARCHING THE CORPSE. THIS ER CENTAUR. MY BODY dave. B.a., any centaurs
SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HORSE HAVE spell B.a. it’s an area
COUNT IS UP TO fl!!!! THIS IS die from SMOKE
A POUCH OR A PURSE? effect; with a little
SOME GREAT HACKING, B.A.! MAYBE INHALATION this
THERE’S SOMETHING TO THIS luck it’ll catch a
Bob, you can’t just stop round? Don’t forget i
HACKING FOR FREE AFTER ALL. few gnolls, too. torched all the
and search the bodies. You
are magically compelled entrances and exits to
to keep fighting. that hut.

Bob, I admire your attempt to minimize the

Yes Brian, the smoke Sheesh, if I can’t carnage against these good creatures, but
from your building search it, I might as Heh, good thinking bob. don’t you think that’s a bit gross?
fire chokes ‹ well skin it. I bet We’ll be SMOK-
MORE YEAR- centaur tastes like ING CENTAUR YES¡ That puts me at
LINGS. venison. SAUSAGE when the ‡ KILLS, one more
battle’s done. than dave.

x
I’M SORRY, BOB, IF YOU CON- WHAT¿¡¿ I’VE FAILED
TINUE TO AVOID MY PICK-POCKETS ROLLS I KNOW IT DOESN’T SEEM RIGHT BOB, RING OF HEFTY
COMBAT BY PLAY- BEFORE AND YOU NEVER TOOK BUT IT’S O.K. TO ATTACK, WE’RE DAMAGE, HUH? YOU
ING AROUND WITH MY RECORD SHEET AWAY. UNDER A CHARM RIGHT NOW. FORCED MY HAND. B.A., I’M
THE DEAD BODIES, I’LL HAVE BRIAN, CAN HE DO THAT? SNAPPING MY STAFF
TO TAKE YOUR OF ENDLESS
RECORD SHEET AND 7 KILLS, HUH? I’M NOT HOLDING BACK ANYMORE! NAPALM RAIN
RUN KNUCKLES I’M USING THE LAST CHARGE IN MY AND CALLING FORTH A
MYSELF. RING OF HEFTY DAMAGE TO BRING RETRIBUTIVE
DOWN THAT PREGNANT CENTAUR. STRIKE¡¡¡
THAT OUGHTA COUNT AS TWO KILLS¡

Come on, Brian. do you NO WAY, I’M TURNING RETRIBUTIVE b.a., aren’t we all charmed?
realize what you’re KNUCKLES over to you STRIKE? shouldn’t EL RAVAGER and
doing? A retributive b.a. you’ll make him into a NOT IF I BREAK IT FIRST. TEFLON BILLY be fighting the
WUSS NPC like those CALLED SHOT centaurs instead of each other?
strike from that staff
stupid gnolls standing TO BRIAN’S
has the power to slay
around behind us. STAFF. ROLL FOR
all of the centaurs, I’d rather die. Lucky 10 sider don’t
INITIATIVE, TOUGH GUY.
gnolls and your charac- KAMIKAZE BOLT fail me now!
ters ending yet another TO THE THROAT!
campaign.

sara’s right, the Monster sum- you set me up b.a. FINAL BODY COUNT± BRIAN ‡¯ DAVE fl˘
moning spell runs out this round. you were trying to PAY UP, DAVE! OR SHOULD I ADD IT TO YOUR TAB?
your characters disappear from drive me to suicide
the village and reappear at your and now every- Damn! I need a ruling, b.a.
campsite. you see KNOBBY- shouldn’t the yearlings Oh if only there
thing is...
FOOT seated alone by the fire. WHA-WHAT¿¿ only count as half kills? were experience
he’s wearing KNUCKLES’ KNUCKLES’ points for saving
SUNDAY BEST and perusing SUNDAY BEST¡
TEFLON BILLY’S the campaign!
DIARY. around him are the
remains of a GREAT FEAST.

xi
 GAMEMASTERS WORKSHOP
The Good,

Venar Kurasin
“There can be no justice when the law is used as a
tool of inequity.”

Occupation: High Judge of Kalamar

Skills: Oration, Diplomacy, Law, Military tac-
tics.
Motivation: Justice, the Law, Traditions.
Weaknesses: Treasonous Past.

K
urasin serves as one of the twelve Judges
of the High Circle (Rader Kem). He
served in the Imperial Legions for twen-
ty years before retiring and taking up what he
hoped would be a quiet life of politics in the
mother city. Kurasin married the daughter of a
wealthy merchant and began making a modest
living importing rare wines. informed that a small coalition that claimed to be
Kurasin won admittance into the Bin Par’ta members of the Guardians of the Hidden Flame
through his father-in-law’s influence and was were taking steps to place Prince Sav, a distant
immediately appointed as Ambassador to O’Par.
cousin of Kabori, on the throne. Kurasin was
He soon tired of living abroad, however, and
resigned after a mere eight months. Upon his strongly opposed to more violence, but Ravethope
return to Bet Kalamar, Kurasin was appointed to finally managed to convince him that the gods
the Rader Kem. themselves were involved and that Sav was the
Kurasin found himself a very wealthy man object of numerous oracles and prophecies in the
when his father-in-law died and left him the
sacred books of the Menus Ka and the Kabataroth.
small Aludan Isle of Tal complete with vineyards
and wineries. When the overthrow failed and the conspirators
When Emperor Relus Bakar was overthrown fled, Kurasin feared his involvement would be
by military force and assassinated by his cousin, uncovered. As time passed it became evident that,
Kabori, Kurasin was devastated to learn most of
for the time being, he was safe. Slowly, Kurasin
his colleagues had supported the violent act. It is
said that he once commented to his wife “I have came to believe that Sav should make another
no heart for politics now; it died with our attempt at the throne and anxiously awaited word
Emperor. I work toward justice, yet everywhere from him.
I look, I see men with blood on their hands. And Kurasin is a member of the conservative
I can’t touch them.”
Galipadidu Mose (the “Red Sash Faction”). The
Although Kurasin was careful not to speak
publicly on his sentiments, in private he confided Galipadidu Mose support a return to the old order -
in many of his closest friends. One day, Kurasin a stronger Bin Par’ta working closely with the
was approached by Ravethope Zete and Emperor on conducting the affairs of the Empire.

xii
 GAMEMASTERS WORKSHOP
The Bad,
His Most August Supremacy,
Emperor Kabori I
“Fools! They run for the apples, while I slowly build a wall
around the tree. Next harvest they will beg me for fruit.”
Occupation: Emperor of the Kalamaran Empire
Skills: Diplomacy, Military strategy, Intelligence.
Motivation: Power, Expansion of the Empire.
Weaknesses: Has many enemies.
K
abori Bakar’s slow and deliberate rise
to power is very uncharacteristic for
the Bakar Dynasty. While he techni-
cally became King of Kalamar and Emperor of
the Kalamaran Empire in a very typical fashion -
by assassinating his predecessor - he gained his
true power the first decade of his reign.
While a child, Kabori knew quite well he had
little chance of gaining the throne (he was 26th in
line for succession). Therefore, he opted for a
career in the Imperial Legions. After just two
commands, his aptitude for leadership and tactics
was obvious. Soon many of Kabori’s superiors
began to fear him as a potential rival; it seemed
to them that his abilities and family name would
guarantee his eventual command of the Imperial
Legions. Kabori’s superiors gave him the most
dangerous and difficult assignments. The weak
emperors always undermanned and unsupplied
the military in those days, so it was simple
enough to find suicide missions for Kabori.
Time after time, Kabori brought home victory
and, eventually, the Emperor Relus IV awarded
him complete command of the military.
Several members of the Utikokela Mose (the
“Broken Shield Faction”) targeted Kabori as a
perfect successor to Emperor Relus. These men
felt Relus was too inept to expand the Empire,
yet, Relus had enough political savvy to block
the nobility from gaining more power. Kabori
spent little time in Bet Kalamar and no time at
Court. Thus, his lack of political skills and
strong military background seemed a perfect fit
for the Utikokela Mose’s purposes. They had
Relus assassinated and placed young Kabori on
the throne. This caused quite a stir as Kabori was
xiii
still only 14th in line for succession. However,
Kabori’s command of the Imperial Legions and
control of the Rader Kem insured that the nobility
would recognize his claim to the throne.
Kabori seemed the perfect fool, just as they’d
hoped. Kabori’s political skills seemed non-exis-
tent. In his first few years, he simply granted lands,
titles and positions to the most powerful nobles.
These were always near the frontiers, allowing his
supporters to directly oversee future expansion and
his enemies to claim extra lands beyond their
grants. He was playing right into their hands.
Soon things began to change. While the nobles
were off gaining riches in the imperial borderlands
and, by default, defending against invasion, Kabori
was turning Bet Kalamar into a veritable military
fortress. As he threw more apples to the nobles,
they ran further and further from the Kalamaran
tree. With each toss, Kabori would lay another
brick. Soon there was a wall surrounding the tree
and the nobles had no access to Bet Kalamar.
It seems Kabori played politics like he played
war. He diverted his enemies while he built his
strength and claimed the heart of the nation. His
military might became so strong that none could
openly oppose him.
Using the Rader Kem, Kabori wrestled control of
the main Kingdom from the nobility. Next, he sta-
bilized the holdings and crushed any that opposed
him. Today, he focuses on Imperial expansion.
 GAMEMASTERS WORKSHOP
And The Ugly

Danor Rofara
“It is better for an innocent to perish unjustly under
the law, than to allow the Emperor or his image to be
diminished in the eyes of his subjects.”

Occupation: High Judge of Kalamar

Skills: Oration, Diplomacy, Law.
Motivation: Power, Preservation of the Empire.
Weaknesses: Blind devotion to the Emperor,
Arrogance.

D
anor is a shrewd politician greatly feared
by colleagues and enemies alike. Recently
appointed the High Judge of the Kingdom
of Kalamar, Danor has become a close advisor of
Emperor Kabori and is the tool by which the
Emperor eliminates his political enemies. Danor
has the distinction of being the youngest person
ever admitted to the Circle of High Judges (which
he did at the tender age of 37).
He earned his reputation as brilliant leader dur-
ing his many years in the legions. His military
career was ruined, however, after a series of
monumental loses at the hands of General
Nakkary during the Thar Wars.
Relieved of his command and recalled to the
capital city, Danor returned to minor civic duties.
When he learned his old friend, Kabori Bakar,
had designs on the throne, he took a chance and
threw in his support. After Kabori’s success,
Danor was greatly rewarded and in a quick suc-
cession of appointments rose up through the
ranks of Nobles.
Danor has been instrumental in destroying the
enemies of Kabori and silencing the opposition.
When Kabori began to raise taxes to support his
campaign of Imperial expansion, it fell to the high
judge to identify enemies of the state and bring
them to trial where their properites and assets were
confiscated. The message was made painful clear
- those who opposed Kabori or dared to openly
express their dissatisfaction with his rule stood to
loose their lands, titles and very likely, their lives.
It was Danor who convinced Kabori to adapt a
policy of mass-punishment (burning entire towns
and villages for any acts of revolt).
When rumors began to spread of a plot to usurp
the king, Danor and his circle of judges launched a
ruthless investigation that resulted in the arrest,
conviction and execution of over 130 noblemen
and an untold number of citizens. One entire noble
bloodline was even destroyed! This four month
series of trials came to be known as the ‘Agumore’
(‘Bloodysummer’). Thus, commoners and lords
alike soon began to cringe in fear before the
Emperor and the judges who upheld his law.
Danor is a bitter enemy of Venar Kurasin, a fel-
low judge and one-time comrade in the Imperial
Legions. It is not clear where this bitter rivalry
began, but it seems to have something to do with
the Thar Wars since it was Kurasin who was cho-
sen to replace Danor’s command.
Danor exerts a great deal of political clout in the
council. He is the Elder of the Utikokela Mose (the
“Broken Shield Faction”) which is intent on
expanding the borders of the Empire at all costs.
He also supports tightening the reins of control on
the other kingdoms of Kalamar, which he feels are
just waiting for an opportune time to break away
from the Emperor’s control.
Danor has a wife but it is a loveless political
marriage designed to expand the wealth and prop-
erty of the House of Rofara.

xiv
 GAMEMASTERS WORKSHOP
No Experience Necessary
A NEW PRIESTHOOD CLASS FOR NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS
THE CONFUSER OF WAYS, THE GREAT
DECEIVER, MASTER OF MISCHIEF, ADDLER,
FATHER OF ALL FALSEHOODS, LORD OF
ILLUSION, THE GREAT IMPOSTOR, THE NEW
CREATOR, ETC., ETC.
The Confuser of Ways is known by many different
names in every land.
Spheres of Influence: Lies, deceit, mischief
Alignment: Chaotic evil
Symbol: Snake head with extended tongue
Unholy Symbol: Same as above
Unholy Days: Seemingly at random, yet, once a year a
special meeting, called the Gathering, is held where all
Impostors gather to tell tales of mischief and deeds from
the past year. It is at this time that new initiates are
inducted into the fold. The time and place of the
Gathering varies from region to region and year to year.
It is said that it is easier to catch a greased leprechaun
than to find the local Gathering.
Place of Worship: Other deities temples, anywhere
Colors: Various
Animal: Snake
Appearance: The Great Impostor usually appears in the
likeness of some other deity. It is said that the Lord of
Illusions prefers the image of the Creator above all oth-
ers. His true appearance is known only to the Creator
and, perhaps, a handful of other gods.
Church: No formal church
Sacrifice & Frequency: Items from other religions’
temples and altars
Priesthood: No formal priesthood, but they are often
referred to as the ‘Impostors’
Raiment: Priests of the Confuser of Ways make an
effort to wear garments typically worn by clerics of
other religions during their own priestly ceremonies.
During services, Impostors always wear masks to hide
their identity.
Advancement: No formal church.
Priests: Priests of the Great Deceiver always attempt to
pass themselves off as something that they are not. They
travel about the land, in disguise, creating mischief
wherever they roam and ultimately seeking to destroy or
ruin all that is good and orderly. A favorite strategy is to
gain a victim’s trust by befriending and helping him and
then bringing about his destruction through lies and
deception. If done properly, the prey of an Impostor will
never even know they were duped. An Impostor could
even be a high ranking member of another church, striv-
ing to sow the seeds of discord and create rebellion and
infighting through lies and deception.
Clerics of the Great Deceiver will often conduct
religious ceremonies and rituals in the temple or on the
xv
sacred site of another deity. Their favorite target is a
temple dedicated to a good or lawful deity, preferably
the Courts of Justice. At odd hours, Impostors and fol-
lowers of the Master of Mischief sneak into these tem-
ples to perform their unholy rites and acts of desecra-
tion.
Impostors are particularly fond of snakes and will
often be found raising them or in possession of one.
Nonweapon Proficiencies: Disguise (bonus), Acting
(bonus), forgery, ventriloquism, reading/writing, reli-
gion.
Crossover Groups: General/priest/rogue
Weapons Permitted: Any, but see armor. These
priests prefer weapons that are easily concealed or
appear to be something they are not, e.g., a cane that is
really a blowgun.
Armor Permitted: Any, subject to the restrictions of
the class they are imitating.
Ability Restrictions: Intelligence-13. These priests
gain hit points as thieves, and fight using the rogues’
combat tables. They advance as warriors.
Powers: Gain rogue abilities equal to half their level
(round down). Immune to detect lie spell. Gain a new
language at every level; the choices include special lan-
guages like thieves’ cant, alignment tongues or druidic.
At third level or higher, can slowly alter alignment aura;
it takes three days to shift alignment aura in any direc-
tion. At fifth level, gain the ability to read magic script
and use mage scrolls.
Ability to cast change self as a first level priest
spell, suggestion as a third level priest spell, unde-
tectable lie as a third level priest spell, confusion as a
fourth level priest spell, polymorph self as a fifth level
priest spell, and shape change as a seventh level priest
spell. These spells are taken normally, i.e., in place of
another priest spell, and the cleric must be of the appro-
priate level to cast that particular spell level.
Friends/Allies: The Temple of Strife*. No other
church trusts them enough to call them allies.
Foes/Enemies: The Hall of Oaths*, the Courts of Justice*
Sayings: May the truth be suffocated in a coil of lies. -
The key to victory is deception. - Never let truth get in
the way of a good lie. - One good lie can breed days of
mischief. - All truth is but an illusion, for if others
believe your deception it becomes truth. - Strive for a
world in which every truth is born on the wings of a
falsehood. - The power to deceive is the greatest of all
powers, for it is the power to create; it is the power to
create reality for others from the depths of your own
imagination. - Oh what a tangled web we weave!
* see Kingdoms of Kalamar vol. II Mythos of the Divine and Worldly
 AT FIRST, THE BLACKSMITH DENIES THERE IS ANYTHING SPECIAL
OKAY, I’M LOOKIN’ THIS MULE OVER PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT THE MULE. FINALLY, HE GIVES IN AND WITH A HEAVY
WHAT’S SO SPECIAL ABOUT HIM?? HUH?? SIGH OF REGRET HE TELLS YOU THE MULE IS HIS PRIZED
POSSESSION. “I’M SORRY SIR!” HE EXPLAINS, “I SAW THAT
YOU WERE A DWARF AND I WAS AFRAID YOU WOULD RECOGNIZE
WELL....I DON’T THINK YOU HAVE ANY THE ANIMAL FOR WHAT HE TRULY IS.”
SPECIAL SKILLS REGARDING MULES OR
THEIR QUALITIES. FROM YOUR LAYMAN
POINT OF VIEW HE’S JUST AN ORDINARY, “I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
RUN-0F-THE-MILL MULE. THAT SUCH A GRAND WISE
DWARF AS YOURSELF
WOULD SEE THROUGH MY
OKAY, I GUESS WE DO THIS THE HARD WAY. I GRAB DECEPTION. AS YOU
THE BLACKSMITH BY THE COLLAR AND DEMAND GUESSED, THIS IS NO MULE
HE TELLS ME WHAT’S UP WITH THE MULE!! BUT A PURE BRED
DWARVEN
WARHORSE!!”

UH HUH!!! JUST AS
I......(SPUTTER)..GURT, DING.... OH WOW!!! DUDE!!! I’VE NEVER HEARD OF A
A DWARVEN IT’S THE PERFECT DWARVEN WARHORSE BEFORE. HMMM...THEY’RE
MOUNT FOR YOU!! I’D BE CAREFUL, BOB. I THINK CERTAINLY NOT LISTED
WARHORSE??? IN ANY OFFICIAL
THIS GUY IS A SCAM ARTIST.
HACKMASTER BOOKS.
OH YES SIR. I KNEW YOU HAD AN
EYE FOR QUALITY, SIR. BUT I’M
AFRAID HE’S NOT FOR SALE.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER≥≥≥

I WANT THAT WAR
HORSE AND I’M NOT LEAVIN’ THE BLACKSMITH SCRATCHES HIS CHIN FOR A MOMENT AND
WITHOUT HIM!! I’M OFFERING SMILES. HE ACCEPTS YOUR OFFER. ⁄‚,‚‚‚ IN GOLD, A
THE BLACKSMITH fi,‚‚‚ NEVER-EMPTY MEAD TANKARD AND A PAIR
GOLD PIECES RIGHT OFF THE OF OPOSSUM-SKIN BOOTS. “YOU JUST
CUFF!!! WE’RE GOING TO DO SOME BOUGHT YOURSELF A DWARVEN WARHORSE”
SERIOUS
HAGGLING HERE!! HOODY-HOO!!! SUCKER!!! WHAT A MAROON!! YOU
THOSE OPOSSUM-SKIN BOOTS SURE SHOWED HIM.
WERE WORTHLESS!!! HA HA!!!

17
KEWL!! I’M GOING TO NAME HIM, MIKE!!!
I’LL SADDLE HIM UP AND TAKE HIM FOR A RIDE. DID YOU HEAR THAT??
⁄¤ POINTS OF DAMAGE¡¡¡ OH YEAH, HE’LL
I WANT TO START THE BONDING PROCESS BE A BIG HIT AT
IMMEDIATELY. MIKE ROCKS!!! HE’S THE BEST LITTLE
WARHORSE EVER!!! PARTIES!

HE’S A SPIRITED LITTLE

AS YOU ATTEMPT TO PUT A CUSS!!! THAT’S A GOOD SIGN.
SADDLE ON HIM HE SPINS YOU MADE OUT!!
AROUND AND KICKS WOW!!! 12 POINTS!!
YOU IN THE GNADS FOR
12 POINTS OF DAMAGE!!!

OKAY WHILE DAVE HOLDS ON TO THE REIGNS, I’LL

SNEAK UP AND PLACE THE SADDLE ON MIKE. I’LL BE OH MAN, ISN’T HE WONDERFUL???? BOB, I THINK YOU’VE
CAREFUL TO AVOID THOSE HINDLEGS THIS TIME!! I LOVE HIM!!! HE’S THE BEST BEEN TAKEN. WE
HORSE I’VE EVER OWNED!!! SHOULD GO DEMAND
AS SOON AS MIKE FEELS THE YOUR MONEY BACK.
SADDLE ON HIS BACK HE YOWL!!!! I’M I DUNNO. HE KINDA
REACHES ROUND AND BITES BACKING AWAY!!! SCARES ME.
DAVE FOR 8 POINTS OF HE’S DANGEROUS!!!
DAMAGE. HE THEN SPINS
AROUND AND KICKS YOU AGAIN,
BOB, FOR 9 POINTS OF DAMAGE.

AS THE GROUP PREPARE TO RIDE OUT OF TOWN...

OKAY, ONCE I’M ON MIKE, I’LL SIGNAL FOR DAVE TO TAKE THE BLINDFOLD
OFF. I GOT A REAL GOOD GRIP ON THE REIGNS THIS TIME!!! THIS IS BRUTAL!!! HELL, IF YOU WANTED
THAT MULE IS SOMEONE TO BEAT THE
AS SOON AS THE BLIND FOLD COMES OFF, IT’S OKAY, BOB!! I THINK YOU’RE KILLING BOB!! CRAP OUT OF YOU I WOULD
LITTLE MIKE IMMEDIATELY MAKES A MAD WEARING HIM OUT. TAKE HAVE DONE IT FOR LESS
DASH TOWARD A GROVE OF TREES ON THE ANOTHER SWIG OF HEALING THAN 10,000 GOLD PIECES!!
EDGE OF THE VILLAGE. HE RUNS UNDER A LOW- POTION AND CLIMB BACK ON.
HANGING LIMB. YOU TAKE FIVE POINTS OF
DAMAGE AND ARE DISLODGED!!

18
Judgement Day
AS YOU RIDE UP TO THE CITY GATES OF FANGAERIE YOU NOTICE A BEGGAR STANDING AT THE JUST IGNORE THE DOG,
SIDE OF THE GATE WITH HIS THREE-LEGGED DOG*. THE DOG LIMPS TOWARD YOU AND STARTS GUYS!!! I DON’T WANT TO
BARKING AT YOUR MULE BOB!! MIKE IS REALLY GETTING SKITTISH AS THE DOG NIPS AT HIS LEGS AND TAIL. CAUSE ANY TROUBLE IN
GILEAD’S TOWN†.
DAMN DOG!! I’M GOING TO OH NO!!! IT’S THAT STUPID MUTT
LEAN OVER IN MY SADDLE AND KICK AGAIN!! HE REMEMBERS US!!! POOR LITTLE THREE-
THE CRAP OUT OF HIM!!!!! AND FOR THE LEGGED DOGGIE!!!
LAST TIME MIKE’S NOT A MULE!!!

BOB, YOU’RE MULE GETS SPOOKED BY THE DOG AND BOLTS. WHAT IS THIS??? PICK ON BOB DAY??
SINCE YOU WERE TRYING TO KICK THE DOG, THE SUDDEN DAMN!!! I’M HOPPING MAD NOW!!! I’M GOING TO
LURCH CAUSES YOU TO TOPPLE FROM THE SADDLE. YOUR FOOT IS HACK THAT STUPID MUTT TO PIECES!!!
STUCK IN THE STIRRUP AND YOU ARE DRAGGED ‡fi FEET THROUGH
REFUSE FILLED GUTTERS. YOU TAKE ¤¤ DAMAGE I’M GOING TO RUN THE
FROM YOUR SCULL CRACKING ON THE COBBLESTONE THE BEGGAR IS BELLY BEGGAR THROUGH WITH MY
OVER AND OVER AND OVER LAUGHING SO HARD HE HACKMASTER +12!!!! NOBODY
AGAIN. OH, AND WHILE YOU LIE FALLS TO HIS KNEES. LAUGHS AT MY COMRADE
STUNNED IN THE GUTTER, THE IN ARMS!!! EVEN IF HE DOES
THREE-LEGGED DOG NIPS AT YOUR ANKLE RIDE A MULE!!!
FOR ANOTHER ¤ POINTS. HE THEN
SNIFFS AT YOUR LEG, TAKES A WHIZ ON
YOU AND LIMPS AWAY.

TEN MINUTES LATER.....

C’MON BOB!!! WE BETTER GET MOVING. YOU
THE DOG IS STANDING OVER THE BODY OF ITS MASTER AS IF HE KNOW HOW TOUGH THE BEGGAR-
IS TRYING TO PROTECT HIM. YOUR CROSSBOW BOLT MOBS ARE IN THIS TOWN.
MISSES AND HITS THE BEGGAR’S CORPSE ONCE
AGAIN WITH A SICKENING THUD.
NOT YET!!!! THAT POOCH IS
STAND STILL YOU THAT’S THE FIFTH GOING DOWN!!!
STUPID MUTT!!! I’M TIME YOU’VE MISSED
FIRING ANOTHER VOLLEY OF BOLTS. MR. MAGOO!!

* See KODT #12: Overbearing Situation

† See KODT#12: Just for the Helm of it 19
 MOMENTS LATER.....
TOO BAD YOU DIDN’T TAKE DAVE’S ADVICE BOB!!! AN ANGRY
MOB OF BEGGARS SUDDENLY POURS OUT OF THE GATE AND
QUICKLY OVERBEARS YOU!!! THEY PUMMEL YOU
SENSELESS WITH ROCKS AND CLUBS BEFORE
DRAGGIN YOU BEFORE LORD GILEAD!!*
GILEAD??? HA HA!!! THE
JOKE’S ON THEM. WAIT TIL THEY FIND
OUT ME AND GILEAD ARE TIGHT. I’LL
HAVE THEIR HEADS ON A SPIT!!
AFTER HEARING THE ACCUSATIONS MADE AGAINST YOU
AND REVIEWING THE EVIDENCE, LORD GILEAD DECIDES
TO HAND THE MATTER OVER TO HIS MAGISTRATE FOR
TRIAL. HE ORDERS YOUR MULE IMPOUNDED AND TAKES
THE THREE-LEGGED DOG INTO PROTECTIVE CUSTODY.
YOU ARE PLACED IN CHAINS AND HAULED TO COURT.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER...
I TELL THIS QUOTE, JUDGE, UNQUOTE, TO BITE
ME¡¡ YOU HEAR THAT?? YOU CAN JUST BITE
ME¡¡ I AIN’T TAKEN’ THIS CRAP ANYMORE. I WANT MY DAMN
WAR HORSE AND ALL MY STUFF BACK. THEN I’LL JUST
BE ON MY MERRY LITTLE WAY!!! ALRIGHT??
* See KODT #12: Just for the Helm of it
DON’T FOOL YOURSELF, BOB!!! I KNOW
GILEAD AND I’M SURE HE RUNS A
YEAH, GOOD OL’ GILEAD
FAIR AND UNBIASED COURT!!
WILL STRAIGHTEN
THIS MESS OUT!! YOU
LUCKED OUT BOB!!!
B.A., WE’LL FOLLOW BEHIND
AND SEE WHAT UNFOLDS.
AS THE TRIAL UNFOLDS....
FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!!! THE MAGISTRATE
WON’T ALLOW YOU TO CROSS EXAMINE THE DOG AS PART OF
YOUR DEFENSE. LET IT GO!!
THIS BLOWS!!!! B.A., YOU DON’T
DON’T KNOW JACK ABOUT COURT
PROCEDURE. I WANT A LAWYER.
THE MAGISTRATE IS FURIOUS!!!! HE ANNOUNCES HE IS
READY TO PRONOUNCE SENTENCE. AS
PUNISHMENT FOR THE MURDER OF THE
BEGGAR YOU WILL HAVE YOUR LEFT LEG HACKED
OFF AT THE KNEE!!!
20
 WHA...WHA... NO, NO, DAVE!! B.A. IS RIGHT
WHAT??? ON THE MONEY. HE MUST THIS IS ALL YER FAULT!!!!
HAVE A COPY OF YOU KILLED THAT BEGGAR AND FRAMED
HACKLAW WHICH HAS ME!!! STEP UP THERE AND TELL THE
48 PAGES OF THE TRUTH!!! MAKE IT RIGHT!!
KING’S CODE.
YOU WERE
YOU HEARD ME!! IT’S THE WOW, THEY ONLY PRINTED
ROBBED DUDE!!!
LEGAL PUNISHMENT FOR 500 COPIES OF THAT BOOK.
B.A. IS JUST MAKING OH MY...
MURDERING A BEGGAR!!!! THIS UP AS HE GOES!!
REMOVAL OF A OH MY...
LIMB!!!

I’M SORRY STRANGER, DO I KNOW YOU??

YEP, RIGHT HERE!!! PAGES 29
I DON’T THINK WE’VE MET HAVE WE??
TO 30. MURDERING A
MEMBER OF THE LOWER
CLASS IS PUNISHABLE BY YOU’RE DENYING SORRY BOB, EL RAVAGER IS YOUR FRIEND
SEVERING A LIMB!! KNUCKLES??? DUDE.....HOW AND ALL, BUT HE DOESN’T GO OUT ON A
COULD YOU?? AFTER ALL WE’VE LIMB FOR ANYONE. SNICKER-SNICKER
BEEN THROUGH!!
EWWWWW, AND YOU (CACKLE) GOOD
SHOULD SEE WHAT THE ONE, DAVE!!
PUNISHMENT FOR
RELIEVING YOURSELF IN
PUBLIC IS!!! (SHUDDER)

CK
HA
W
LA

THE MAGISTRATE TIRES OF YOUR WHINING AND

BEGGING. HE ORDERS THE COURT TO CARRY OUT THE HO HO!! HOW HILARIOUS!!! THEY
SENTENCE IMMEDIATELY. TWO GUARDS GRAB YOU AND THROW GAAAA!!! CHOP FED YOUR LEG TO THAT STUPID
YOU TO THE GROUND. THEN THEY DRAG YOU FROM THE COURT OFF??...FEED DOG??.. MUTT!! HAR HAR!!!
ROOM AND CHOP OFF YOUR LEFT LEG JUST ABOVE LEG??...SHOCK??...
THE KNEE. THEY TOSS YOU BACK ON THE STREET WHERE YOU I RUSH OUT AND
LIE BLEEDING IN SHOCK. OH, I ALMOST FORGOT, THEY FEED CAUTERIZE KNUCKLE’S
YOUR LEG TO THE THREE-LEGGED DOG≥ WOUND. I FOLLOW IT
WITH 3 CURE SPELLS.

21
 AS SARA IS TENDING TO YOUR WOUNDS, BOB, YOU SEE LORD GILEAD APPROACHING. HE IS BEING CARRIED ON A ROYAL
LITTER. UPON SEEING THE PARTY, HE MOTIONS FOR HIS LITTER-BEARERS TO HALT. HE LOOKS DOWN AT YOU SADLY AND
SHAKES HIS HEAD. “I HAVE ASKED THE COURT TO HAVE MERCY ON YOU. YOUR MULE AND BELONGINGS WILL BE
RETURNED. BUT YOU MUST LEAVE THE CITY AND NEVER RETURN HERE!” WITH THAT HE CONTINUES ON DOWN THE STREET.

WELL, WE BETTER GET YOUR GEE....GILEAD DIDN’T WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN

MIKE’S NOT STUFF AND GET OUT OF EVEN SAY HELLO TO TO THAT POOR THREE-
A MULE!!! HOW DODGE!!!! THOSE BEGGARS MAY ME. YOU THINK HE’S LEGGED DOGGIE?? HE’S
MANY TIMES DO I HAVE STILL BE TICKED OFF AT US. MAD AT ME?? GOT NO ONE TO TAKE
TO SAY THAT?? CARE OF HIM.

HERE
POOCHIE,
POOCHIE!!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER....

AWW C’MON BOB!! I HATE SEEIN’ YA LIKE THIS.
SORRY BOB!! YOU TRY TO MOUNT MIKE ONCE AGAIN AND FALL OFF KNUCKLES IS A SURVIVOR
THE OTHER SIDE INTO THE MUCK AND MIRE. KNOBBY FOOT DUDE!!! HE’LL FIND A WAY OUT OF THIS!!!
CAN’T STAND WATCHING YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS ANY LONGER. HE ACTUALLY,
RUSHES FORWARD TO HELP YOU GET ON YOUR MULE. HE’S RIGHT BOB!!! HAVING ONE LEG ACCORDING TO
GIVES HIM A LOT OF CHARACTER!! HACKLAW, MAIMING
TELL HIM TO LEAVE ME IS A SIGN OF SHAME!!
ALONE. (SNIFF) I’LL JUST LAY
HERE. MY CHARACTER
IS RUINED!!! YOU GUYS
GO ON WITHOUT ME. (SOB)

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! (SOB) I’M NO GOOD TO THE PARTY HEY BOB!!! GUESS WHAT?? KNOBBY FOOT FELT SO
ANYMORE. I’LL JUST SIT OUTSIDE THE GATE WITH MY TIN-CUP AND BAD HE WANDERED AWAY TO THE LOCAL BAZZARE. HE COMES
TELL STORIES OF PAST GLORIES FOR (SNIFF) WOODEN SHECKLES!! RUNNING BACK WITH A WOODEN LEG MADE OF FINE
BLOOD-WOOD AND ADORNED WITH IVORY
WE CAN’T LEAVE YOU
COMRADES IN INLAYS AND GILDED WITH GOLD!!
ARMS!!! EH BOB??
BEHIND LIKE THIS KNUCKLES PAID FOR IT OUT
LITTLE BUDDY!! OF HIS OWN POCKET!!!
ACCORDING TO THE
MERCHANT HE BOUGHT IT
FROM, IT USED TO BELONG
TO THE INFAMOUS
DWARVEN PIRATE,
STURM PYR!!

22
 HUH?? STURM PYRE??? HE
SOUNDS (SNIFF) FAMILIAR. WHO WAS HE??
DUH!!! JUST ONE OF THE
ORIGINAL HACKMASTERS
IN GARY JACKSON’S
PAPERBACK NOVEL, THE
HACKMASTERS OF
EVERKNIGHT!!!
REALLY? YOU’RE NOT JUST (SNIFF)
MAKING THIS UP?? STURM
PYRE ONLY HAD ONE LEG??
AND YOU SAY THIS IS HIS VERY OWN
WOODEN LEG??
THAT’S RIGHT!!! I’M
TELLING THE TRUTH!!
MAYBE I CAN BREAK THE LEG OFF MY
MINIATURE SO IT MATCHES KNUCKLES!!!
ATTA BOY, BOB!! STIFF UPPER
LIP!! PUT YOUR BEST...ER..
FOOT FORWARD!!!
STURM PYRE WAS BANNISHED BY THE
DWARVES UNJUSTLY!!! HE BECAME THE MOST
FEARED OF ALL PIRATES!!! HE SURE DIDN’T LET
MAN, I COULDN’T GET THROUGH SOMETHING AS TRIVIAL AS THE LOSS OF A LIMB KEEP
THAT BOOK! EVERYTIME THEY HIM FROM TERRORIZING THE RED BEAR
HACKED SOMETHING THEY COAST FOR SIXTY YEARS!!!
BROKE INTO TWELVE PAGES OF
EPIC POETRY!! OH YEAH!! THEY USED TO
CALL HIM STUMPY
FOR SHORT!!
YER TWICE THE DWARF
THAT STUMPY-DUDE WAS!!! IF
HEY, MAYBE A ONE- HE COULD KICK ASS WITH
LEGGED DWARF AIN’T ONE LEG WHY CAN’T YOU??
SO BAD. HUH??
YOU’LL NEVER KNOW
UNTIL YOU TRY, BOB!!
ARE YOU INSANE?? THAT’S A
RARE COLLECTIBLE YOU HAVE THERE!!!
BOB, MAYBE YOU
EASY DOES IT SHOULDN’T....
BOB...
23
 SNNNAAAPPP¡¡
UMMMRRFFFF¡¡
MAN, THIS THING IS
PRETTY TOUGH!!!
IF I CAN JUST PRY THE
LEGS APART I THINK I
CAN....UMMRFFFF¡¡
DAAAAMMMMMNNNN!!!!

NOT LIKE THAT

(SIGH) C’MON BOB!! IT’S NOT ONE!!!! IT WAS A ONE
THAT BAD. YOU CAN ALWAYS OF A KIND AND IT’S BOB HAVE YOU BEEN HEY BOB, WHAT YA GOIN’ TO
BUY ANOTHER MINIATURE FOR RUINED!! (S0B) UNDER A LOT OF DO WITH THAT PENCIL
KNUCKLES!! STRESS LATELY?? SHARPNER BASE??

MAYBE BRIAN CAN

FIX IT!!! WHY DON’T NO!! JUST THROW IT
YOU LET HIM TRY?? AWAY!! IT
WON’T EVEN
STAND UP!!!

TO BE CONTINUED....

24
 Forty-Six Things You’ll Never See on
1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a
type that it has encountered before.
2) The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost
of scientists who are all perfectly all right.
3) The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like
planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the
time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly
as it seems.
4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new
PARTING SHOTS
lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known
old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien
plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked
sick-bay.
6) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts
to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out
that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly
diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and
competent engineering staff.
8) A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the
user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated
24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
9) The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without serious incident.
10) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien
intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any
danger.
12) The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange,
and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens
they can blame it on in the end.
13) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien
intelligence which they easily pacify with candy.
14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp
phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th
century.
15) Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode
or crash.
16) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the
Enterprise, and some
other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
17) The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a
bright, sunny day
19) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation
alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an
attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental
shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20) A major character spends the entire episode in the
Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her
there.
21) Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say
"Come."
22) Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23) Picard walks up to a replicator and says, "Jack and
Coke on ice."
24) Counsellor Troi states something other than the
blindingly obvious.
25) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing
Counselor Troi's position.
26) Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to
give birth to Danny Devito.
27) When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is
entering visual range no one says "On screen."
28) Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2
seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29) Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity
this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it
5 times without rewinding the tape).
30) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for
being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at
making some friends of his own age for a change.
31) Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the
Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful
(including the Net).
32) The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem
to sort themselves out after a while without any
intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and
they work better than ever.
34) Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole
episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless
every time Picard is in the room.
35) Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up
comedy routine.
36) Data falls in love with the replicator.
37) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet
he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the
end of the episode. [or even: Kirk (or Riker) meets an
attractive woman and does not fall in love. -psl]
38) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a
less advanced people which is made a great deal easier
by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away
team and lives to tell the tale.
40) Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position
for not being able to understand the most basic nuances
of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41) Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more than 1
consecutive episode.
42) Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or
even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
43) Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female
before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
44) Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics
45) Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by
new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn
green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he
cannot save the day.
46) The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at
Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't
raise his eybrow.