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Lucas White

Professor Granillo

English 101

November 19, 2019

Could It Not Be Any Harder to Breathe In Fire

Taking my part in the experience of a brave new world never expressed in your lifetime.

Witnessing thoughts and imaginations painted upon a freeform canvas as new strokes blanket a

setting with each new sight. A reality now open to every aspect of you because of who it’s

shared with, and the world imagined by a divine pair being nothing short of home. Co-creators of

a lifestyle best fit for two of the same person both longing to indulge in each other's presence

with nothing but the time they have together as their main concern. Never realizing the clock, so

desperately ignored, to be a timer counting each second of happiness as a minute towards the

end. The timer rests above all lovers. Toxic, arranged, divine, Etc and whether or not it beeps in

life or till death do they part is determined by what they do in the time given. In life I ran out of

time.

Towards the end of my junior year in high school and beyond I've always been the person

that my friends came to help get them through a hard time. Whether it be a breakup, financial

problems, or loss of any kind people came to my door so they can receive some sort of relief to

return motivation back into their lives which had been stolen. Robbed of their confidence and

charisma I fought to keep them afloat and fighting to an end brighter than the beginning of their

pain. I felt as important to them as they were to me. As though I was a final barricade holding

back an unstoppable flow of negative thoughts and malice or maybe just a guy trying to help.
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Most of my words were honest and true. A small amount however was me telling a person

exactly what they wanted to hear just so they could feel some solace in the idea that “Someone

feels like I do.” With what they have to think being shared and true that they are not alone. They

came around the most out of everyone and I always pondered as to why. Until now.

From all the conversations and advice I had given over what felt like an expansive career

of a therapist I convinced myself into believing I had an equally expansive understanding of true

heartbreak. Experience however forcefully showed me the error in my previous thought. I had

my reflection torn from my life in early October of 2019 with nothing to look at now but a

reminder of what could have been. Diving into all the details would be inappropriate and

disrespectful to her while doing nothing but professionally tarnishing both my name and hers.

The thought of it alone, however, allows me to really understand how the depressed men and

women constantly felt around me as I tried to coach them with my disguised ignorance on the

matter. Only now am I fully able to comfort those who feel as I do. As we are all related through

our trauma and belong to the sadness.

By now the suppressive shock is starting to wear off so I know now only the worst is yet

to come. I tried to take my mind away from all. Keeping it occupied within music, film, and

ironically in the guidance of friends who I used to console in heartbreak just like this. I had

grown to unfortunately ignore my own teachings for listening to them gave nothing but insult to

injury. You see, I've only seen my advice help who it specifically was targeted to at the time and

now that it is being repurposed towards me it doesn't feel personal nor does it help me. Although

I know they only arrived from good intentions and care, I only feel lost in my own words from

other voices. The sadness is persistent when it has all the time in the world to linger. The type of
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sadness that fills the body with nothing but a numbness which depresses the emotion of a person.

The part that lingers most of all is the hollow feeling lurking my stomach.

It is a depressing spot to be in at the moment. The feeling has enough power to drive

someone to feel numb to the world around them and close themselves off. I now feel as though I

have to constantly be doing something to keep my mind away from it. Although even a

busybody cannot keep and mind from wandering as even though I was focused on one thing I

could never keep her off my mind. Given all the downtime of thought it has, I let it go on and

process different aspects of my life other than my losses. It was in this time where I still had to

contemplate all of the growing troubles that followed after the loss Myself which made it almost

impossible. Between my sadness bringing sickness to my constantly working body, arguments

with a mother who can't see past my age and associate respect with the son behind it, or having

the area I've called home for more than 18 years be engulfed in flames with nothing but

blackened streaks of hard-working blaze surrounding me has my lungs filled with tar and drown

in the clouds my failure to make it out from what seems inevitable. I made it out but on top of it

all it still does damage.

A few days after the fire took hold up Santa Clarita I felt as though I had nothing more to

do than to better myself by focusing on my schooling. It was the only thing that still made a lot

of sense in my life. Get an education, get a degree, get a good job, live a happy life. It was and

still is an easy formula to follow. So as I was doing research for this very essay I had found

myself at an academic wall. I have scoured the internet looking for a celebrity couple that

seemingly would have done anything for each other at the time of their relationship but ended it

for the benefit of each other and their futures but to no avail. All while being a pair I could relate
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to. It was only till, I was close to changing my topic when the song Almost Is Never Enough by

Ariana Grande ft. Nathan Sykes came on my shuffle list. From there I was struck with inspiration

as her voice lifted with so much emotion that I could feel her overcoming the pain of what she's

been through. Still with some sort of loss that is so dear to her, it was as though the very lyrics

she sang gravitated to her as therapy to release her own story of distress in a fatal relationship.

Once after the song had finished, I immediately took to the internet to see what I could

find. I was shocked that throughout my previous research I had not come across The tragedy of

Ariana Grande and Mac Miller. Troubles in their relationship first hit the media in early 2016

when both of their careers had a very demanding the time causing the two of them to have work

be a major part of their lives and not enough time for each other. This ultimately ended in the

pair mutually agreeing it would be best if they were two separate and remain friends. This in fact

they did, the two had remained inseparable best friends all the way to Mac Miller’s untimely

death in 2018 according to iHeartRadio. Before that however, more challenges surfaced when

Mac Miller was arrested for drunk driving in 2018 and many of the fans between Mac Miller and

Ariana Grande we're pushing blame on Ariana. "I have cared for him and tried to support his

sobriety and prayed for his balance for years but shaming/blaming women for a man's inability to

keep it together is a very major problem. Let's please stop doing that.” was what she had to

respond over Twitter to those accusing her of being responsible for his arrest. It was later

reviewed in an interview with Ariana Grande conducted my Vogue that those tweets had come

from “a place of complete defeat” Being made responsible by a large sum of people for

something that was never your fault is a horrible thing and was a great unnecessary weight on

Ariana's shoulders that she didn't need and I'm sure still does not. Sadly that unjustly weight only
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grew soon after the fact Mac Miller’s arrest as it was piled on with grief and depression for the

loss of a friend.

She has lost someone she sees herself in. A friend who was always ready to listen to what

she had to say at anytime of day. To make sure she was always as comfortable in her own skin as

he was, being with her. Creating no doubt in her mind that he would always be there for her. Mac

Miller was a friend and partner with problems and she always loved him through it all. There's

no doubt in my mind let's be still does.

As I kept reading, I saw nothing that didn't sound familiar in what happened to Ariana.

She had experienced many of the things that we both had all at once. Heavy tears began to fill

my eyes as I began to grow thankful at the thought that I have never lost a lover to the greedy

arms of death nor do I ever wish it upon a former but the fear of never being able to see someone

I love again is just as real to me. For imagining life without the special person found in life is

something one can do but what would the point of having a beautiful mind soaked with such

depressing thoughts be? Yet with that question there is still no control on the railing of thought

and when balanced you are almost certain to fall into even the worst ides. I have endeared these

painful thoughts all throughout my life but this is the strongest I felt it consume me. It was here

where I realized Ariana and I are in the same boat as she said to Vogue in an interview “it's

pretty all-consuming” when asked about the death of Mac Miller. It was here where I drew the

connections between our relationships. My ex girlfriend and I both had agreed to end our 2 year

long relationship with each other even though we both love each other as much as ourselves and

we're still good friends. We thought it would be the best for our futures and I have nothing but

hope that it is. Ariana and Mac Miller did what was best for them and still were friends. Ariana
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and I both admire someone that we would do anything for but by no means were they perfect.

We lost the person we truly cared about the most in our lives. They were gone within a moment.

Banished from there once frequent position in life leaving you alone with only yourself to blame.

In a second moment with no warning and we were both forced to process and cope with what

had just happened. Nothing but respect and sympathy is all I could offer for all the pain that

Ariana Grande must be going through and has gone through. I can only look up to how well she

is tried just stay positive because I can put myself in her shoes and tell you how hard that is in

such a difficult time. With challenges greater than our own mentality can support. Feeling blank

at one time then exploding with emotion that has never been expressed through your body.

overall a sense of who you are as ripped away as the struggle to find your identity lingers. We

both lost our reflections to forces out of our control.

I have never considered myself to be an Ariana Grande fan. I never disliked or found any

craving interest in her and it was only till after my research that I found the human being behind

the artist and the real soul behind her lyrics. What is there beneath each song is a relatable

experience for all to dread and none to be alone in the pain. The crippling quality of heartbreak

has plagued across centuries of poor hopeless romantics. Some of their times lasting longer than

others but all feeling devastatingly familiar as in the end we all call home to loss. The loss

crushes the part of you that once filled the day with purpose and shining enthusiasm so

cherished. So much joy through such a long time with nothing now but memories to allow

gateways into alternate realities of thought of how life could have been if only it had worked.

Out of time and not alone but what I feel is damaging and I'm thrilled to see someone so

embedded in pop culture, be a symbol of how to attempt to handle such traumatic experiences or
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at least do the best to. If we don't try to reincorporate ourselves into the world around us that was

built on the bottom up of our imaginations, then it will be nothing but in our mind and never

constructed. We will forever stay sad and alone burning away at what could have been but never

what it actually is.

Work Cited

​ uskell, Rob. “Ariana Grande on Grief and Growing Up” ​Vogue,​ Condé Montrose Nast, July 9
H
2019, ​https://www.vogue.com/article/ariana-grande-cover-august-2019

​ BC Global News
Unknown. “Ariana Grande: Mac Miller 'didn't deserve his demons'” ​BBC, B
Ltd, 10 July 2019, ​https://www.bbc.com/news/newsbeat-48933931

Unknown. “Ariana Grande speaks out over 'toxic relationship’”

​ BC Global News Ltd, 24 May 2018,
​BBC, B
https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-44236515

Unknown. “ Ariana Grande, Mac Miller Break up” ​BBC, ​BBC Global News Ltd, Thursday, 10
May 2018 - 5:16 am
https://www.iheartradio.ca/news/ariana-grande-mac-miller-break-up-1.3809057

Grande, Ariana/@Ariana Grande. ​Twitter​, 22 May 2018,

https://twitter.com/ArianaGrande?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Ea
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