SUBMISSIONS INSANITY:

The Homer Simpson Guide to Screenwriting

Lucy V. Hay

Lucy V. Hay is a novelist, script editor and blogger who helps writers via her
“Bang2write consultancy”. Lucy is head reader for The London Screenwriters'
Festival and author of “Writing And Selling Thriller Screenplays” for Creative
Essentials, plus its follow up, “Writing & Selling Drama Screenplays”.

So, I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume you’ve watched at least one
episode of The Simpsons in the last two decades or so.

One of the world’s longest-running, best-loved sitcoms (animated or not), The

Simpsons arguably owes a great chunk of its success to patriarch Homer Simpson.
Homer is the epitome of The American NIGHTMARE – an ill-educated, childish,
lazy slob … who somehow manages to a) keep hold of his family and b) his job, plus
c) the respect of (most) everyone around him. WTF???

So I thought, with the holidays around the corner, it’d be a fun wheeze to look
to Homer for inspiration on our submissions in the new year:

1.) “Welcome to the humiliating world of professional writing.”

Look, I get it. You don’t see why you should bow and scrape to submissions
guidelines, or format your screenplay in any particular way. It’s the story that counts,
right? RIGHT – except when it doesn’t.
 It used to be that you had TEN pages to wow the reader – but with masses
more submissions, often it’s just ONE. I know, right! So unfair. But deal with it and
ensure your first page is TRIPLE AWESOME, so the reader will get to page ten (and
hopefully, beyond). MORE: 10 Tips For The Perfect Ten (Pages)

2.) “English? Who needs that – I’m never going to England.”

Look, I know this is boring, but good spelling, punctuation and grammar is the
very least a writer can do. That’s just the way it is. What’s more, there are common
slip ups MANY writers make, which can really wind up script readers. Believe me
when I say it really does pay to put this stuff under the microscope. MORE: 10
Common Errors In Your Writing You Need To Fix Right Now

3.) “I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there – save me,
Superman!”

Too many writers believe getting their spec read is simple luck and/or
knowing the “right” people. While forging good relationships with people in the
industry NEVER hurts, making submissions is NOT a case of simply throwing
spaghetti at the wall. You CAN succeed, no matter who you are or what you’re doing,
provided you have a STRATEGY. For five strategies for professional writers, CLICK
HERE.

4.) “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

“Not caring” about what happens in a screenplay is a note that’s often given,
but usually this means the reader feels bored or overly familiar with the characters and
their plight. Sometimes this is a question of “you win some, you lose some,” but if
this note comes back from MULTIPLE readers – then you should probably listen.
MORE: 6 Stock Characters That Need Retiring By Writers NOW

5.) “It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”

This point is very simple: DON’T OUTRIGHT LIE, EVER in your

submissions. You may think you’ve got away with it, but the screenwriting world is
smaller than you think. MORE: How To Put Together A Writer’s CV / Resumé
 6.) “Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.”

You can be a motivating influence on those around you, or a horrible DRAIN.

Guess who’s more likely to get their spec screenplay read and produced???
Remember point 5 on this list: PEOPLE TALK. MORE: 6 Ways YOU’RE Stopping
Your Own Writing Success

7.) “You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

Nothing is worse than rejection, but remember: ALL writers get it. Yes, even
professional writers! So you can let it get you down, or get on with it. The choice is
yours. MORE: 7 Things You Must Stop Doing If You Want To Be A Professional
Writer

8.) “A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good and you’d step
over your own mother to get one!”

Female characterisation is very much part of the discussion at the moment,

especially online. Women in screenplays fared badly for a very long time, but they’re
no longer being sidelined – so you HAVE to make sure they really shine! Get a free
28 page ebook on how NOT to write female characters, HERE.

9.) “Men can also have feelings. For example, they can feel hungry!”

But WAIT – just because female characterisation is all the rage at the moment,
doesn’t mean you can skimp on your men! Make sure they’re as authentic, flawed and
3D as the female characters and your spec submission will be differentiated from the
pile. MORE: 5 Reasons Why Male Characterisation Needs An Overhaul Too
 10.) “To alcohol*! The cause of – and solution to – all life’s problems.”

Remember point 7 on this list? Well, I lied: there IS one thing worse than
rejection, which is NEVER HEARING AT ALL. Do whatever it takes to get over this.
That can include alcohol like Homer, or pick something healthier and/or more
productive, like lion taming. Whatever you want! But remember to get straight back
on that horse. MORE: When Is A Rejection A Rejection If I Don’t Hear Anything?

Best of luck with your submissions in the new year …