Twentieth Century Fox

International Television

Modern Family
“Earthquake”
Season 2 – Ep. # 2ARG01

As Broadcast
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 1

MODERN FAMILY
“Earthquake”
ACT ONE
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – ENTRY WAY – MORNING
(CLAIRE AND HALEY ARE MID-ARGUMENT)
Haley: (os) Oh my God, Mom. (on camera)
The party is like around the
block. I’ll be gone for two
hours!
Claire: Yeah, that is two hours you could
spend studying.
Haley: I have been studying all weekend!
No friends, no phone! Just me
alone with books! I feel like
Alex!
(ALEX COMES DOWN THE STAIRS)
Alex: (os) You’re never alone (on
camera) when you have books.
Haley: (os) Really? (on camera) Rea- Is
that what you want me to turn
into?
Claire: Sweetheart, listen to me. This is
the S.A.T.s! Okay. It is not some
stupid science quiz.
Alex: (to Claire)(os) Hey, If science
(on camera) quizzes are stupid,
why do you put mine up on the
refrigerator?
Haley: Because we all feel sorry for you
‘cause books are your friends.
Alex: Yeah, she wasn’t studying last
night, she was video chatting the
whole time.
Claire: I knew it. I knew it.
Haley: (overlaps) Shut up! You are such
a tattle-
Claire: Girls take it down a notch because
I-_
(PHIL APPROACHES)
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 2

Phil: (interrupts)(os) Whoa, (on camera)

whoa, whoa… What’s the hot topic
on “The View” today, ladies?
Haley: Dad, can you just please tell Mom
that I can take a two hour break
and go to a party.
Phil: No, ma’am. I’m not stepping into
that one. We’re not playing Good
Cop-Mom.
Claire: Okay…
(THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR)
Phil: I got it.
(PHIL ANSWERS THE DOOR TO FIND A PLUMBER ON THEIR DOORSTEP)
Phil: (cont)(os) Hello.
Plumber: You called for a plumber?
Phil: (os) Uh, no, (on camera) we did
not.
Claire: Oh, yes, we did, we did. (os)
Plumber, hi.
Phil: (os) We did?
Claire: Yeah, um, it’s right up at the top
of the stairs. Thank you.
(THE PLUMBER HEADS UP THE STAIRS. CLAIRE FOLLOWS BEHIND
HIM. PHIL FOLLOWS AFTER HER)
Phil: (sotto) Really, Claire? But
didn’t I tell you I’d fix the tub?
Claire: Yes, honey, you did. And I think
I was pregnant with Luke at the
time.
Phil: That is not fair. I’ve done
everything you’ve asked me to do
around here. I fixed the step,
(os) didn’t I? Look how (on
camera) solid it is.
(PHIL TAP DANCES UP AND DOWN OVER THE STEP)
Phil: (cont) I’m like Shirley Temple and
that black guy.
Plumber: Bill “Bojangles” Robinson!
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 3

Phil: (says really fast)(os) Bill

“Bojangles” Robinson! I said it
(on camera) first!
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS
(CLAIRE AND PLUMBER ENTER THE BATHROOM. PHIL STANDS AT
IN THE DOORWAY)
Claire: (os) So this is the problem. Uh,
faucet just keeps leaking.
Phil: Yeah, it’s a cracked washer. If I
know my washers, and it’s, uh,
been leaking a little water.
Plumber: Yeah, it could be a washer. A
cracked valve. A stripped (os)
pipe.
Phil: Well, I guess I’m not a
professional plumber, but I have
spent a huge amount of time in
that tub. I can tell you (os)
from experience, at least what it
feels like in there.
(CLAIRE SHUTS THE DOOR ON PHIL)
MAIN TITLE
OPENING CREDITS
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – LIVING ROOM – MORNING
(MITCHELL PACK A BAG, CAMERON ENTERS WITH LILY DRESSED IN
VICTORIAN GARB)
Mitchell: (os) Oh, good you’re back. I need
(on camera) you to help settle a
spat between our blacksmith and a
chimney sweep.
Cameron: Be nice. It took me twenty
minutes to find my opera cloak.
Mitchell: I still can’t believe you didn’t
have to rent any of that.
Cameron: Oh, please. Do you know how many
times this has paid for itself.
Mitchell: Has it?
INTERVIEW – MITCHELL & CAMERON
Cameron: Well, our friend Pepper loves to
throw theme parties.
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 4

Mitchell: Yes, he does, and this weekend is

his first annual “Oscar Wilde and
Crazy Brunch.”
Cameron: We’re still recovering from his
“Studio 54th of July” barbecue.
They were fun at first –-
Mitchell: Uh-
Cameron: But they have become a lot of
work. You have to dress in
costume…
Mitchell: (os) You have to (on camera)
assume a character. (to Cameron)
I-I can’t believe you ever dated
him?
Cameron: One date. It was the nineties, we
just lost Princess Di. I was at
sea.
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
(AS BEFORE)
Mitchell: Uh, Cam, can we just, can we
please cancel?
Cameron: (sighs) I wish we could, but you
know, he’s still mad at us for
missing Passover.
Mitchell: Oh, right. Sedar Day Night Fever.
Cameron: Just go get dressed and powered.
(MITCHELL GETS UP AND HEADS OUT OF ROOM)
Mitchell: (grunts) Pepper has done the
impossible -– he’s made two gay
men (os) hate brunch.
INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – MORNING
(MANNY AND JAY ARE ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER AT THE KITCHEN
TABLE. MANNY SPOONS SUGAR INTO HIS ESPRESSO)
Jay: You know, it might be easier just
to pour the espresso right in the
sugar.
Manny: (chuckles) (to himself) Every
morning.
(GLORIA ENTERS DRESSED FOR CHURCH)
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 5

Gloria: (os) Jay, what are you wearing?

You can’t (on camera) go to church
like that.
Jay: Well, that settles it then. I’m
going golfing.
Gloria: You’re gonna miss church again?
(os) Last Sunday (on camera) you
said that you had to go to the
office. The week before (os) you
had breakfast with a friend.
Manny: (os) And before that (on camera)
you thought you had a cold that
turned out not to be a cold.
Jay: (os) Because (on camera) I babied
it.
Gloria: (os) You don’t have to convince
us. (on camera) You have to
convince Him.
(GLORIA INDICATES THE HEAVENS)
Jay: (os) Who, God? (on camera) Me and
God are good.
Gloria: How would you know?
Jay: Look, you feel God in church,
which is great. I feel God out in
nature amongst his works.
Gloria: (os) Are you gonna go to church
(on camera) next week?
Jay: We’ll see.
Gloria: (os) I know what (on camera)
“we’ll see” means. If you’re done
with church, just say it.
Jay: I’m done with church.
Gloria: Don’t say that!
Jay: (os) Look, (on camera) I’m not
going to church anymore. It’s not
the end of the world. Let’s not
make a big deal-
(SUDDENLY THE DISHES AND GLASSES THROUGHOUT THE KITCHEN
BEGIN TO RATTLE)
Jay: What the-
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 6

Manny: Earthquake!
(THE THREE OF THEM HURRY OUT OF THE HOUSE)
Gloria: (Spanish dialogue) Jay!
Manny: (os) Come on, Jay!

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – ENTRY WAY - DAY

Phil: (os) Girls!
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – BATHROOM –DAY
(THE EARTHQUAKE CONTINUES. CLAIRE MAKES HER WAY TO THE
DOOR. SHE TRIES TO OPEN IT BUT IT’S STUCK)
Claire: Oh God, oh God. Okay. This is-
It’s stuck!
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – DAY
(MITCHELL, CAMERON AND LILY ARE UNDER THEIR DINNING ROOM
TABLE)
Cameron: We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die!
Mitchell: We better not! If they find us in
these outfits, it’s very bad for
the gays!
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – ENTRY WAY – DAY
Phil: Claire!
Alex: (os) We’re okay!
Luke: (os) Dad!
(PHIL RUNS INTO THE FAMILY ROOM, A BREAKFRONT HAS FALLEN
ONTO THE COUCH, LUKE IS STANDING NEARBY)
Phil: (os) Luke? Buddy, you okay?
Luke: (os) That thing (on camera) almost
fell on me! I was sitting there
and it came -- this close to my
head!
Phil: It’s all right. You’re okay. You
didn’t get hurt.
Luke: Well, I’m not gonna wait around
here until (os) I do!
(LUKE TURNS TO RUN OUT OF THE ROOM AND SMACKS FACE-FIRST
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 7

INTO THE DOORFRAME)

Luke: (moans)
(LUKE FALLS BACK INTO PHIL’S ARMS)
Phil: Okay, wow, (os) that’s a doozey.
END OF ACT ONE
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 8

ACT TWO
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – MOMENTS LATER
(MITCHELL IS ON THE PHONE)
Mitchell: (into phone)(os) Hey, (on camera)
are you guys okay?
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – SAME TIME
Phil: (into phone) Yeah, we’re fine.
You?
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – SAME TIME
Mitchell: (into phone) (os) We’re fine. (on
camera) That was really – Oh, hold
on.
(MITCHELL SWITCHES TO HIS CALL WAITING)
Mitchell: (cont)(into phone) Hello…?
INT. JAY & GLORIA HOUSE – SAME TIME
Gloria: (into phone) Mitch, are you okay…?
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – SAME TIME
Mitchell: (into phone) We’re okay. We’re
okay.
Gloria: (into phone) And Phil and Claire.
Mitchell: (into phone) I’m on the other line
with them now. One second.
(MITCHELL SWITCHES LINES)
Mitchell: (cont)(into phone) Hello?
(MITCHELL CLICKS BACK)
Mitchell: (cont)(into phone) Oh Shoot, we
lost Phil.
INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE – SAME TIME
Gloria: (into phone) We lost Phil?!
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – SAME TIME
(CAMERON ENTERS)
Cameron: We lost Phil?!
INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE – SAME TIME
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 9

(GLORIA SWITCHES HER CALL WAITING)

Gloria: (into phone) Hello…?
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – SAME TIME
Mitchell: Great. Now Gloria’s gone.
Cameron: Gloria’s gone too?! Ohh…
INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE – SAME TIME
Phil: (into phone)(os) Hey, Gloria.
Gloria: (into phone)(inaudible) Phil,
you’re alive!
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – SAME TIME
(PHIL INSPECTING THE FALLEN CABINET)
Phil: (into phone)(os) Yeah, of course
I’m alive. (on camera) For now.
INTERVIEW – PHIL
Phil: (os) For months (on camera) Claire
has been after me and dogging me,
“Anchor the cabinet to the wall.
What if we have an earthquake.
We’ve got kids in the house”.
Blah, blah, blah… It finally
reached the point where I hand no
choice but to just roll up my
sleeves and tell her I did it.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
(AS BEFORE. FROM UPSTAIRS, WE HEARD POUNDING AGAINST A
DOOR)
Claire: Phil!
Alex: (os) Dad! Get up here!
(AS PHIL RUNS UP THE STAIRS HE TRIPS ON THE STEP)
Phil: (os) On my way. (to himself)
Seriously? (on camera) I just
fixed that.
Alex: (os) Really?
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER
(ALEX AND HALEY ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM DOOR)
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 10

Phil: What’s wrong?

Alex: Mom’s stuck.
Phil: (into door, to Claire) You okay in
there?
INTERCUT – INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – BATHROOM – SAME TIME
(CLAIRE IS TALKING TO PHIL THROUGH THE DOOR)

Claire: We’re fine. The door is jammed.

Phil: Oh, okay, uh, well, uh let’s try
this together, okay.
Claire: (os) Okay.
Phil: I’m gonna push, you pull.
Claire: Okay.
Phil: (os) On three… One, two, three…
(PHIL PUSHES AS CLAIRE AND PLUMBER PULL. THE DOOR DOESN’T
BUDGE)
Claire: (grunts)(os) Nothing.
Phil: Oh, dang.
INTERVIEW – PHIL
Phil: Okay, here’s the thing. I wasn’t
pushing. In fact, I was pulling a
little. It dawned on me that as
long as Claire was stuck in the
bathroom I’d have time to anchor
the cabinet to the wall. It’s
like they say, sometimes when God
closes a door he does it so hard
that your wife can’t get out.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
(PHIL STARTS TO MOVE AWAY FROM DOOR)
Phil: So, don’t panic. I’m gonna get
you out. I just gonna go get some
tools.
Plumber: (os) Get a crowbar, if you have
one.
(PHIL RETURNS TO THE DOOR)
Phil: What is that supposed to mean?
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 11

Like I’m some dandy who doesn’t

have a crowbar?
Plumber: Well, you did just use the word
dandy.
Phil: Dandy is a term coined by miners
In the fifteenth century.
Claire: Phil! Just get us out of here.
(PHIL DASHES BACK DOWN THE STAIRS)
Haley: (os) Dad, how long (on camera) is
it gonna take to get her outta
there.
Phil: Long time.
Claire: (os) Oh, honey, don’t worry.
Mommy is gonna be out soon. Don’t
panic. Wait a minute, (on camera)
wait a minute. You’re not going
to that party young lady.
Haley: No, I’m not going to the party.
I’m just going downstairs.
(HALEY HEADS FOR THE STAIRS)
Alex: With your purse?
Haley: Come on. Just cover for me this
one time and I-I’ll drive you
wherever you want.
Alex: I wanna go to the Museum of
Tolerance.
Haley: Fine. How far is Tolerance?
Claire: I can hear the two of you scheming
out there! Don’t you dare leave
this house!
Haley: Ugh! Why do you have to be such a
psycho control-freak!
Claire: Okay, you know what? Just for
that you’re grounded one week.
Haley: Oh, that’s good parenting!
Claire: Okay, two weeks! Wanna double
it?! Keep talking!
Haley: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 12

(CLAIRE BANGS ON THE DOOR)

Claire: Fine, four weeks! Four!
Haley: Double it again! Make it ten
weeks!
(HALEY STORMS OFF)
Haley: (cont)(screams)
Alex: (to Haley)(os) Oh my God! (on
camera) Do you not hear how much
you need to study?!
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – LIVING ROOM – DAY
(MITCHELL, CAMERON, AND LILY, STILL IN VICTORIAN GARB, GET
READY TO LEAVE)
Cameron: Mitchell, come on, we’re gonna be
late.
Mitchell: I can’t believe we have to do
this.
Cameron: Come on, after the earthquake it
might be nice to be around
similarly dressed people.
Mitchell: That makes no- The earthquake.
Okay. (os) Okay. Yes. Yes, this
is okay. This is the perfect (on
camera) excuse.
(MITCHELL DIALS THE PHONE)
Cameron: Why, we’re fine.
Mitchell: Yeah, but Pepper doesn’t know
that. You’ll just tell him that
we have some damage we have to
deal with.
Cameron: Why me.
Mitchell: Because I’m the one that always
cancels.
Cameron: No, do not hand me that. I will
not talk to him. I’m a bad liar.
Do not hand me that.
(MITCHELL PUTS THE PHONE OUT FOR CAMERON TO TAKE)
Mitchell: You’re doing it. (os) Do it.
(PEPPER ANSWERS)
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 13

Pepper: (os) Hello, hello. I think

somebody’s talking… Hello?
Cameron: (into phone) Hi, Pepper, listen,
hi, hey, it’s Cameron. How are
you doing over there?
Pepper: (os) Great.
Cameron: (into phone)(os) Well, the
earthquake, yeah, it was huge
here. So, (on camera) obviously,
we’re not we’re not gonna be able
to make it.
Pepper: (os) Why not?
Cameron: (into phone) Well, some dishes
broke.
Pepper: (os) And you can sweep them up
later.
Cameron: (into phone) And um, well uh, I
guess, I guess (os) we could sweep
those up later. (on camera) Our
uh, our uh hat rack, (os) our hat
rack fell through the window.
Pepper: (os) Hat rack?
Cameron: (into phone) Yeah, well we do have
a hat rack. We thought it would
force us to wear our hats more.
(os) And it did.
Mitchell: (mouths) Hurry up.
Pepper: (sighs)
Cameron: (into phone)(os) And there’s water
damage. (on camera) There’s water
everywhere. (os) A bookshelf
fell. (on camera) On Mitchell’s
leg. Mitchell’s hurt, Pepper.
Mitchell’s hurt real bad.
Pepper: (os) I’m coming right over.
Cameron: (os) No, you don’t need (on
camera) to come over.
Pepper: (os) I’m coming.
Cameron: Pepper. No!
(CAMERON HANGS UP THE PHONE)
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 14

Mitchell: He’s coming over.

Cameron: See, I kind of panicked.
Mitchell: You did panic, Cam. You panicked
real bad.
(CAMERON FANS HIMSELF)
EXT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE – DRIVEWAY – DAY
(JAY IS AT THE REAR OF HIS CARE WITH HIS GOLF CLUBS.
GLORIA AND MANNY EXIT THE HOUSE)
Gloria: (to Jay)(os) You’re still going
(on camera) golfing? God sent you
a sign, Jay.
Jay: What, the earthquake? You gotta
be kidding me.
Gloria: You say that you’re never going to
church again, and the ground
shakes with a vengeance.
(JAY LEANS HIS CLUBS AGAINST THE BACK OF HIS CAR)
Jay: I’ll prove it to you. God, if you
have a problem with (os) me
golfing, (on camera) send me a
sign.
Gloria: Shhh!
Jay: (os) I mean throw in a little
lightening. (on camera) Put on a
show.
Gloria: Don’t talk to God like that!
Jay: Now, trust me, if God had a
problem with me, he would let me
know without shaking the whole
city. He would be a little more
specific.
Gloria: I’m not gonna argue with you. I
don’t wanna get upset. Vamanos,
Manny!
(GLORIA STARTS TO WALK AWAY)
Manny: (os) I think I’m gonna skip it (on
camera) today.
Gloria: What?
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 15

Manny: I like what Jay said about God

being in nature.
Gloria: (os) No, no, no, no, no. (on
camera) Don’t listen to him, his
days are numbered!
Manny: (os) Think about it, Mom. It
makes sense. (on camera) God made
the trees and the grass, he didn’t
make that church.
Gloria: But he make the people that make
the church and you’re making me
angry! Vamanos!
Manny: Just one week. (to Jay) Can I go
golfing with you?
Jay: I’m probably gonna have a Latino
kid carry my clubs anyway, might
as well be you.
(JAY GETS INTO HIS CAR)
Gloria: (os) Fine, (on camera) see what I
care! Go!
Jay: Manny, go change.
Manny: (os) Sorry, Mom. (on camera) I
hope you understand.
Jay: (os) It’ll probably be good for us
to spend (on camera) a little time
together.
Gloria: You’re going to spend eternity
together!
(JAY STARTS THE CAR AND PUTS IT IN REVERSE. HE BACKS OVER
HIS GOLF CLUBS)
Jay: Dammit! (os) I suppose that was
(on camera) God too?
Gloria: I don’t care who did it, but it
makes me happy.
Jay: (groans)
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
(PHIL WORKS ON ANCHORING THE CABINET TO THE WALL. LUKE
WATCHES)
Luke: What are you doing?
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 16

Phil: Hey, buddy, oh, just double

checking these straps. This is an
extra. This baby saved your life.
That’s why this cabinet barely
moved.
Luke: It fell all the way to the couch.
Phil: (os) Umhmm.
Luke: It almost killed me.
Phil: No, it didn’t. This cabinet
barely moved. That’s just
perspective playing tricks on your
mind. Like if I hold my thumb, it
looks bigger than your head.
(PHIL HOLDS UP HIS THUMB)
Luke: No, it doesn’t. It looks tiny.
Phil: You have to look at it from over
here.
Luke: How can I look at my head from
over there?
Claire: (os) Phil?
Phil: Why don’t you just lie down. I
gotta make sure your mom’s still
stuck. (os) So, she, (on camera)
I can get her out. Don’t fall
asleep.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – ENTRYWAY/BATHROOM DOOR – CONTINUOUS
(PHIL CLIMBS THE STAIRS)
Phil: (calls out)(os) Sorry that I took-
(to himself) You filthy- (to
Claire)(os) Sorry I took so long.
I’m gonna (on camera) go ahead and
just take off the door knob, okay?
Claire: Okay.
(PHIL TAPS TOOL AGAINST THE KNOB)
Phil: (os) Here we go. That- Oh, damn.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – BATHROOM – SAME TIME
(CLAIRE IS WITH THE PLUMBER)
Claire: (to Phil)(os) What? What
happened?
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 17

Phil: I-I brought the wrong screwdriver.

So, I’ll be right back.
(RUNS OFF)
Claire: All right, but hurry up, (os)
Phil.
Phil: Doing my best, Claire.
Haley: (os) Oh, don’t talk back, Dad.
(on camera) She’ll just ground
you!
(CLAIRE THROWS HER SHOE AT THE DOOR)
Claire: That’s thirty-two weeks, young
lady! (to Plumber) I was at
sixteen before, right?
(THE PLUMBER NODS)
Claire: (cont) What?
Plumber: Nothing.
Claire: Don’t judge me until you’ve had a
teenage girl.
Plumber: I’ve had four of ‘em.
Claire: God. How did you survive that?
Plumber: The girls were a piece of cake, it
was the boy. Every look on his
face, every stupid decision he
made, the way he sat there chewing
his food like an idiot. And then
it hit me why this kid drove me so
crazy –- he’s me.
Claire: Well all the more reason she
should listen to me, I can stop
her from making the same mistakes.
Plumber: Did you listen to your mother?
Claire: No, God, no. But you know, I had
a reason. That woman was a psycho
control freak.
(LUKE PUSHES A COOKIE TRAY FULL OF SODA UNDER THE DOOR)

Luke: (os) Hey, Mom, I brought you some

soda.
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 18

INTERCUT - INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – HALLYWAY – DAY

(LUKE TALKING TO CLAIRE THROUGH THE DOOR)
Luke: I couldn’t find any straws, so
you’ll have to drink it like cats.
Claire: (os) Oh, (on camera) thank you,
Luke. (to Plumber) he’s my
sweetie.
Luke: (os) I was going to bring you
wine, but you finished the big
bottle last night and –-
Claire: Okay, off you go.
EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY
(JAY AND MANNY ARE SITTING IN THE CART)
Jay: Hold this, will you kid?
(JAY HANDS MANNY HIS CIGAR AND THEY GET OUT OF THE CART)
Jay: (cont) You know, Mitchell used to
caddy for me. (os) Of course, he
spent most of his time (on camera)
chasing butterflies.
Manny: You won’t catch me doing that.
Jay: Good for you.
Manny: I’m terrified of them.
(JAY SPOTS HIS BALL)
Jay: Look at that, a perfect shot.
(os) And I hit that with a bent
club.
(JAY PREPARES TO PUTT)
Manny: (os) So, you’re not worried about
getting in trouble? You know,
with God?
Jay: Oh, I think he’s got bigger things
on his plate.
Manny: (os) So, you’re not worried about
Hell?
Jay: Let me let you in on a little
secret kid –- there is not Hell.
Manny: Seriously, no Hell? That’s
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 19

fantastic!
(JAY STARTS TO PUTT)
Manny: (cont) So, everyone just goes to
Heaven?
Jay: Yep. End of story.
Manny: (os) Even (on camera) bad people?
Jay: Yeah, they’re, they’re, (os)
they’re in another section. See,
(on camera) they’ve got this thing
figured out. (os) Can I hit this.
(JAY TAKES HIS PUTT)
Jay: (cont)(os) Dammit, (on camera) you
distracted me.
Manny: I didn’t say anything.
Jay: I can hear you thinking.
Manny: I’m thinking about this Heaven of
yours that’s full of bad people.
Jay: Not full. The tinniest fraction.
They’re walled in.
Manny: What if they break out?
Jay: It’s surrounded by a lake of fire.
Manny: There are fiery lakes in Heaven?
This is turning into Hell.
(JAY PUTTS AGAIN AND MISSES HIS SHOT)
Jay: Tell me about it.
END OF ACT TWO
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 20

ACT THREE
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – LIVING ROOM – DAY
(MITCHELL SMASHES A DISH ON THE FLOOR)
Cameron: What are you doing?
Mitchell: Well, you promised Pepper broken
dishes, so I’m breaking dishes.
(CAMERON GRABS A CERAMIC FROG FROM MITCHELL)
Cameron: No, not my frog. I know you think
it’s (os) tacky, but I happen to
have won that my first 4-H (on
camera) summer camp in a hollerin’
contest.
Mitchell: Well, we wouldn’t have to break
anything if you were a better
liar.
Cameron: If you’re trying to make me feel
bad about not being as good a liar
as you --
(MITCHELL PICKS UP FIREPLACE POKER AND APPROACHES A
WINDOW)
Cameron: What are you doing?
Mitchell: A hat rack fell through the
window, remember?
(MITCHELL TAKES AIM)
Mitchell: (cong) One, two, three --
(HE BREAKS THE WINDOW)
Cameron: (os) Mitchell, wait. (on camera)
I-I-I can’t do this. I quit. You
might be comfortable with all this
lying, but I’m not.
Mitchell: Oh, please. Where was all this
conscience when I got us into the
first class lounge at the airport
and you chewed Angela Lansbury’s
ear off? (os) You know what you
are? You’re like (on camera) a
mob wife. You look down at me and
my ways, but you’re happy to wear
the mink coat that fell off the
back of the truck.
Cameron: How dare you.
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 21

(THE DOORBELL RINGS, CAMERON OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL

PEPPER)
Pepper: (gasps)
Mitchell: I know, I know, it really hit us
bad.
Pepper: (os) No, (on camera) I’m just
always surprised how small this
place is.
Cameron: (os) Pepper, you didn’t have to
leave your party to (on camera)
come check on us. Great costume
by the way.
Pepper: This isn’t my costume. I just
threw this on to help you clean
up.
Cameron: Well, about your party –-
Pepper: (os) Oh, don’t worry about
canceling. At least you have an
excuse, (on camera) unlike Steven
and Stefan. They said they had
the flu. Meantime, I just saw
them out riding their bicycle.
(PEPPER TAKES A SEAT ON THE COUCH)
Mitchell: Oh, Pepper, that is horrible. I-
I’m gonna make you a cocktail.
Pepper: (os) Oh, honey, (on camera) don’t
go to any trouble, I’ll just have
a Kir Royale.
(MITCHELL CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN)
Pepper: (cont)(os) I mean, my God, if they
didn’t want to come to my party,
just say it. (on camera) I’m a
big boy. I can take it.
Cameron: Well, since you brought it up,
Pepper, we didn’t wanna come to
your party either.
Pepper: What?
Cameron: Well, you know, we love you, (os)
but they’ve just gotten to be so
much work (on camera) over the
years. And-
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 22

(MITCHELL REENTERS)
Mitchell: (os) We’re out of cassis.
Pepper: (cries) I can’t bear it!
Mitchell: I will make you a Bellini.
Pepper: (cries) Everybody canceled on me
(os) and now you two? For fifteen
years (on camera) I have killed
myself setting a community
standard with my fanciful themed
brunches mounted at great personal
expense. (os) Well, clearly I’ve
been a fool. (on camera) No one
likes your brunches, Pepper. No
one like you. You’re gonna die
alone (os) in a quaint Spanish
revival outside of Palm Springs.
(on camera) Or La Quinta.
Cameron: (sotto to Mitchell) I just told
him.
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah, I puzzled that out.
EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY
(JAY AND MANNY ARE WALKING OVER TO THE GOLF CART)
Manny: I just don’t understand this bad
section of Heaven. What if they
send you to the wrong place? They
make mistakes with paperwork
sometimes. (os) I was put in a
girl’s (on camera) health class
last year and had to watch a very
disturbing movie.
Jay: (os) Calm down. (on camera)
Instead of thinking all morning
about what Heaven’s gonna look
like, what it’s not gonna look
like, who’s where, if there even
is a Heaven. Why don’t we just
concentrate on this beautiful
carefree day that’s in front of
us.
Manny: I’d rather concentrate on
something you just said. There
might not even be a Heaven?
(JAY AND MANNY GET INTO CART)
Jay: I don’t know.
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 23

Manny: You seemed pretty sure of yourself

this morning. So what happens
after you die? There’s just
nothing?
Jay: Look, you’re focusing too much on
one little thing that I said. It
was just a hunch, okay.
Manny: A hunch? I’m skipping church
based on a hunch? (deep
breathing)
Jay: Alright, don’t freak out on me,
kid.
Manny: You’re playing pretty fast and
loose with my soul.
Jay: Listen, I want you to forget
everything that I said, okay?
Manny: Some things can’t be forgotten,
Jay. Do you know what
menstruation is, because I do!
(JAY DRIVES OFF)
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
(PHIL FINISHES ANCHORING THE CABINET TO THE WALL AND THEN
SHAKES IT)
Phil: (os) Perfect.
(PHIL TURNS TO FIND ALEX WATCHING HIM)
Phil: (cont) Hey…
Alex: (os) What-what are you doing?
Aren’t you supposed to be getting
Mom out of the bathroom?
Phil: That is what I was doing. That is
what I was doing. This-this
cabinet (os) was the problem.
Alex: How?
Phil: Yeah, it’s very heavy and because
it was properly anchored to the
wall, it was sort of a ripple
effect, (os) it was (on camera)
pulling part of the floor down
(os) and then pushing part of the
floor up (on camera) causing the
bathroom door to –- Please don’t
tell on me.
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 24

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – LIVING ROOM – DAY

(PEPPER, CAMERON AND MITCHELL ARE TALKING)
Pepper: (cries) I don’t know who I am
anymore. Who am I?! I’m a joke,
that’s who.
Cameron/Mitchell: No.
Cameron: No. You’re not a joke. You’re
Pepper Saltzman!
Pepper: (os) I think I better (on camera)
just go.
(PEPPER STANDS)
Pepper: (cont) If anything terrible should
happen, don’t feel an obligation
to attend my memorial, New York or
L.A.
(PEPPER HEADS TO THE DOOR, CAMERON MOVES OVER TO PEPPER)
Cameron: Pepper, Pepper, you-you didn’t let
me finish. (os) The reason we
didn’t wanna come to your party
is… (on camera) Mitchell-
Mitchell: Seriously?
INTERVIEW – MITCHELL & CAMERON
Mitchell: Who’s a mob wife?
Cameron: I’m a mob wife.
Mitchell: I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you.
Cameron: I’m a mob wife.
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX – CONTINUOUS
(AS BEFORE)
Mitchell: Okay, um, Pepper, this is a little
embarrassing —-
Pepper: I don’t even want to hear it.
Mitchell: Cameron still has feelings for
(os) you.
Pepper: (os) Go on.
Mitchell: Yeah, and it’s just, it’s very
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 25

hard for him (os) to be around

you, especially at your (on
camera) magical brunches where
you’re-you’re so magnetic. (os)
And then I see the way he looks
(on camera) at you, (os) and
dammit, Pep- It just makes me so
mad I could just--
(MITCHELL PICKS UP THE CERAMIC FROG AND THROW IT AGAINST
THE WALL)
Cameron: Really?
Mitchell: Ah, you don’t know the pain, (os)
Cam.
(MITCHELL GOES TO GRAB SOMETHING ELSE TO BREAK, CAMERON
COMES OVER AND THEY STRUGGLE OVER IT, PEPPER TRIES TO
INTERVENE)
Pepper: (os) Oh, boys, (on camera) boys.
I can’t (os) stand that I’m coming
(on camera) between you. (os) Not
that I’m surprised. (on camera) I
admit I have noticed the stolen
glances and the yearning in your
eyes.
Mitchell: Okay, well, you’ll, you’ll forgive
us if we sit out your next few
brunches.
Pepper: Absolutely. I would hate to loose
you two. I’ve always thought of
you as being like my…
Cameron/Mitchell: Sons…
Pepper: Sons? I was gonna say brothers.
(cries) It’s like a house of pain!
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – BATHROOM – DAY
(CLAIRE AND THE PLUMBER USE A TOILET BRUSH AS A MAKESHIFT
CROWBAR WITH A PLUNGER TO LEFT THE DOOR)
Plumber: (os) Alright, Claire.
Claire: (os) Okay, ready.
Plumber: (os) You ready?
Claire: (os) I’m ready.
Plumber: (os) Alright, on go.
Claire: (os) Go.
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 26

Plumber: (os) Alright.

Claire: (os) Go.
Plumber: (os) Okay.
Claire: Okay, go, go, go. I got it.
(CLAIRE PULLS ON THE DOOR WHILE THE PLUMBER PUSHES ON THE
TOILET BRUSH. THE DOOR OPENS)
Plumber: (os) We got it.
Claire: Thank God. Oh, (os) thank God.
Thank God. (on camera) Phil?
(os) Phil?
(CLAIRE HEADS DOWNSTAIRS)
Claire: (cont)(os) Hon- Phil, where (on
camera) are you? Phil?
(CLAIRE TRIPS ON BROKEN STAIR)
Claire: (cont)(os)(to herself) Are you
kiddin’ me?! Not the- Phil?!
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – FAMILY ROOM – CONTINUOUS
(PHIL, ALEX, AND LUKE ARE THERE. CLAIRE ENTERS)
Claire: (os) Phil?
Phil: Hey.
Claire: (os) What (on camera) happened to
you? You disappeared for twenty
minutes. We just had to break
(os) ourselves (on camera) out of
the bathroom.
Phil: I’m just so happy to see you. Get
in here.
(PHIL MOVES TO CLAIRE, SHE HOLDS HIM OFF)
Claire: No, no, seriously. What happened?
Alex: Dad was incredible. He was
running around here turning off
the gas line, (os) cleaning up (on
camera) broken glass (os) and
taking care of Luke after he ran
into a wall.
Luke: I got scared because the cabinet
didn’t fall down.
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 27

Claire: (to Phil) Um, I’m sorry. (os) I’m

sorry.
Phil: (overlaps) Well, don’t worry about
it.
Claire: I get so nervous. I freaked out.
(CLAIRE KISSES PHIL, THEN HUGS LUKE AND ALEX)
Phil: (laughs)(os) It’s alright. It’s
alright. I think it was a little
bit of a (on camera) rough
morning.
Claire: Yes. (os) Yes. It was. (on
camera) I don’t know about you
guys, but I just wanna relax (os)
and put my feet up.
(AS PHIL SITS ON THE COUCH, ALEX CLEARS HER THROAT, PHIL
JUMPS TO HIS FEET)
Phil: At the Museum of Tolerance. Who’s
in.
Alex: I am.
Phil: (os) You are. (on camera) Okay,
let’s do it.
Jay: (vo) There’s nothing mystical
about an earthquake.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – HALEY & ALEX’S ROOM – DAY
(CLAIRE ENTERS. SHE PULLS UP A CHAIR NEXT TO HALEY’S BED
AND THEY START TALKING)
Jay: (vo) Pressure builds, and it’s
released…
INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERON’S DUPLEX – DAY
(CAMERON PUTS CERAMIC BACK TOGETHER AND CAMERON WATCHES
FROM THE KITCHEN)
Jay: (vo) And you just hope there’s not
too much damage.
EXT. CHURCH – DAY
(JAY AND MANNY WALK UP THE STEPS TO THE CHURCH DOORS)
Jay: (vo) but it makes us realize what
matters and for me that’s family.
(MANNY STOPS AND TURNS BACK TO JAY)
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 28

Manny: I’ll put in a good word for you.

Jay: You’re the best, kid.
(MANNY ENTERS THE CHURCH)
INTERVIEW – JAY
Jay: My family. And golf. (laughs)
END OF ACT THREE
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 29

TAG
INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE – DAY
(GLORIA AND MANNY ARE MID-CONVERSATION)

Manny: Well, if heaven is in the sky,

what do you walk on?
Gloria: Hey, Manny, don’t be ridiculous.
The clouds.
Manny: That makes no sense. Clouds are
air. You’d fall right through
them.
Gloria: Not the clouds in heaven. They’re
like trampolines.
Manny: I don’t like trampolines. They
make me sea sick.
Gloria: Manny, stop worrying. (os) Heaven
is a beautiful place with
sunshine, (on camera) and
rainbows, and butterflies --
Manny: Butterflies? (screaming)
(MANNY RUNS OFF, GLORIA FOLLOWS)
Gloria: (os) No, no, no, no. (on camera)
I didn’t say butterflies! Manny,
there’s no (os) butterflies!
END OF SHOW
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 30

OPENING CREDITS
Starring
ED O’NEILL
SOFIA VERGARA
JULIE BOWEN
TY BURRELL
JESSE TYLER FERGUSON
ERIC STONESTREET
SARAH HYLAND
ARIEL WINTER
NOLAN GOULD
RICO RODRIGUEZ
Created By
STEVE LEVITAN
&
CHRISTOPHER LLOYD
Executive Producers
STEVE LEVITAN
&
CHRISTOPHER LLOYD
Co-Executive Producer
DAN O’SHANNON
Co-Executive Producer
PAUL CORRIGAN
&
BRAD WALSH
Co-Executive Producer
BILL WRUBEL
Co-Executive Producer
DANNY ZUKER
Co-Executive Producer
ILANA WERNICK
Co-Executive Producer
JEFFREY RICHMAN
Co-Executive Producer
ABRAHAM HIGGINBOTHAM
Produced By
JEFF MORTON
Written By
PAUL CORRIGAN
&
BRAD WALSH
Directed By
MICHAEL SPILLER
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 31

END CREDITS
Co-Producer
CHRIS SMIRNOFF
Staff Writer
ELAINE KO
Special Guest Starring
NATHAN LANE – As Pepper
Guest Starring
VIC POLIZOS – As Plumber
Casting
JEFF GREENBERG, C.S.A
Director of Photography
JAMES R. BAGDONAS, A.S.C.
Production Designer
RICHARD BERG
Edited By
JOHNATHAN SCHWARTZ
Unit Production Manager
SALLY YOUNG
First Assistant Director
JIM HENSZ
Second Assistant Director
HELENA LAMB
Costume Designer
GLIX FRIEDBERG
Camera Operators
BRANDON MASTRIPPOLITO
TREY CLINESMITH
Chief Lighting Technician
HUGO CORTINA
Key Grip
JEFF HINZ
Music By
GRABRIEL MANN
Set Decorator
AMBER HALEY
Construction Coordinator
GREG HAMLIN
Property Master
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 32

RICK LADOMADE

Hair Department Head

MARYANN HENNINGS
Make-up Department Head
STEPHANIE COFFEY
Production Sound Mixer
STEVE TIBBO, CAS
Script Supervisor
IWONA KANCLERZ
Script Coordinator
CLINT McCRAY
Location Manager
MATT CHAMBERLIN
Transportation Coordinator
MIKE PAVENTI
Production Coordinator
CURT M. PRATT
Production Accountant
TOM CHUNG
Casting Associate
ALLEN HOOPER
Extras Casting
CARLA LEWIS
Supervising Sound Editor
LISA VARETAKIS
Re-Recording Mixers
DEAN OKRAND
Assistant Editor
RYAN C. FILL
Post Production Supervisor
KYLE WEBER
Production Coordinator
CURT M. PRATT
2nd Assistant Director
MATHEW W. HOFFERMAN
Writers’ Assistant
BIANCA DOUGLAS
Assistant to Steven Levitan
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 33

BRIAN RESNICK

Assistant to Christopher Lloyd

CRAIG LOSBEN
Production Staff
NEAL CORNELL
MANOLA GONZALEZ
CONOR HOGAN
MARIEL PANIAGUA
BRITANY ROBERTS
JEN WILLIS
MICHAEL D. WITMAN
Post Production Video Services
by MODERN VIDEOFILM, INC.
Post Production Sound Services
by SMART POST SOUND
Main Title Design
by Shine
Camera Systems by PANAVISION
Copyright © 2010
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
All Rights Reserved
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
is the author of this motion picture
for the purposes of copyright and other laws.
IA Bug
#2ARG01 AMPTP
The events and characters depicted
in this television series are fictitious.
Any similarity to actual persons,
living or dead, or to actual
events, is purely coincidental.
Ownership of this motion picture
is protected by copyright and other
applicable laws, and any
unauthorized duplication, distribution
or exhibition of this motion picture
could result in criminal prosecution
as well as civil liability.
LIVITAN-LLOYD PRODUCTIONS
TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
A News Corporation Company
MODERN FAMILY: “Earthquake” #2ARG01 34