New Ninja

Orientation
Handbook
Version 31.15.1a — October 2008

Corporate Assassination Solutions

www.ninjalistics.com
 CONTENTS
: Mission and Purpose  3
: Message from the CEO  4
: Your Ninjas, Your Company  6
: Your Duties  8
: Your Career Development  18
: Appendices  21

LEGAL DISCLAIMER
The text in this manual includes and is based, inter alia, on forward-looking information
and statements, including I Ching and dartboard forecasts, that are subject to risks and
uncertainties that could cause actual results to differ. Such forward-looking information
and statements are based on current expectations, estimates about global economic
conditions and how often new ninjas screw things up.
These expectations, estimates and projections are generally identifiable by statements
containing words such as “expects,” “believes,” “who knows,” “your guess is as good as
mine,” “well, we need some numbers here so we might as well make them up” or similar
expressions. Important factors that could cause actual results to differ materially from
expectations include, among others, market conditions, prices for platypus venom, market
acceptance of new products and services, police investigations of particularly messy
operations, changes in governmental regulations, changes in governmental bribery rates,
how often new ninjas screw things up and such other factors. Ninjalistics reserves the right
not to discuss such factors if it potentially might affect the company’s stock value.
Ninjalistics Inc. admits its expectations and the information in this manual were based
upon possibly unreasonable assumptions and sake binges at the time they were made,
and those expectations may not be achieved nor the actual results eventuate as described.
Neither Ninjalistics Inc. nor any other company associated with Ninjalistics is making any
representation or warranty, expressed or implied, as to the accuracy, reliability, coherence,
legibility or usefulness of the information in this manual. Neither Ninjalistics Inc., any
other company associated with Ninjalistics, nor any of their directors or officers will have
any liability to you nor any other persons resulting from new ninjas screwing things up,
regardless of how poorly worded or organized this information may be.
Ninjalistics, Inc. undertakes no obligation to make this manual or the information
contained herein available to anyone as per the long-established “able to find” information
distribution policy. You are ninja—find it yourself!
 NINJALISTICS, INC. MISSION STATEMENT
“We shall maintain cutting-edge technical standards in stealth,
disguise, camouflage, combat, wall and rope climbing, dart
blowing, clouding weak minds, and miscellaneous mysterious
ninja-related activities, and stay abreast of current research in
security systems, pressure points, sleep drugs, caustic acids,
ingestive and insinuative poisons both herbal and inorganic,
pyrotechnics, smoke, and other relevant cross-disciplinary
studies, while continuing to promote, disseminate, and integrate
efficacious practices of covert infiltration, surveillance,
espionage, sabotage, and assassination that foster personal
employee growth and help us stay competitive in providing
timely long-term high-impact value-added destabilization
solutions for tomorrow’s emerging global tactical realignment
and unorthodox-warfare markets.”

[Statement version 31.15.1]

PURPOSE OF THIS DOCUMENT

This handbook gives you, the new Ninjalistics employee, a brief
overview of the corporate ninja’s dark mysteries, proprietary
secrets, and required paperwork. From time to time, indeed
on the very spur of the moment, Ninjalistics management may
expand, delete or otherwise amend this document and the
policies herein without any notification, prior or otherwise. Your
supervisor can provide details, if you can track and defeat him/
her in single combat.

Ninjalistics employs its workers at-will and able-to-survive.

Although we hope your employment relationship with us will be
long and productive, Ninjalistics may terminate this relationship
or you at any time, for any reason, with or without cause or
notice, on any vagrant whim or fleeting fancy.

3 www.ninjalistics.com
 A MESSAGE FROM YOUR CEO

I take silent and imperceptible pleasure in

welcoming you to our happy corporate team!

I hope your ninja training was as memorable

as mine. Though I grew up in rural Sweden, I
journeyed to Japan as a callow youth, where I
studied in a hidden dojo under a master whose
identity must remain secret. There, in the mystical
Ceremony of Fermented Carp, I discovered I was
the reincarnation of unstoppable 16th-Century
assassin Hunzo “The Night Slider” Yamazaki. When
Bjorn-Hunzo I returned home, this news certainly surprised my
Yamazaki- family of simple cowherds outside Ytterby! Yet my
Lundstrom story sounds like many such tales in the ranks of
Ninjalistics senior management.

I established Ninjalistics in partnership with three unnamed warriors

who later transcended mortality and now enjoy exalted reverence in our
company’s classified archives, untarnished by time or legal investigation. I
acted out of deep dissatisfaction with then-current standards of corporate
assassination, and in hopes of servicing the market’s dire need for
innovative responses to competitors, whistleblowers, auditors, union
organizers, disgruntled customers, and similar threats.

Stealing invisibly upward from humble beginnings, Ninjalistics now

enjoys a growing market share in the hotly competitive covert tactical
realignment operations market. Revenues and profits are up for the
second straight year. An unmatched proportion of Ninjalistics middle
managers have earned certification in the award-winning Holistic Quality
Optimization (HoQuOP) program, originally established to rescue San
Marino’s failing olive-oil processing industry, and since adopted by major
Fortune 500 ninjutsu firms worldwide. Perhaps most impressive is our

4
 New Ninja Orientation Handbook
spotless record of good corporate citizenship, such as our industry-
leading ISO 9000 and Sarbanes-Oxley compliance.

And now you have joined our lower ranks! You’ll never lack for something
to do. Ninjalistics offers endless opportunities for highly motivated self-
starters to learn on the job, develop the focus necessary to maintain high
standards after prolonged effort, and simplify a too-often cluttered leisure
life. Our benefits are on par with and sometimes even exceed industry
medians, and last year average life expectancy in sub-management
positions improved by nearly 4% year-on-year. Most important, Ninjalistics
supervisors are always there to help you build the confidence that comes
from compliance with our rigorous quality-assurance procedures.

In closing, I invite you to enjoy the grace period customarily offered to

new team members, whereby, while you are learning “the ropes,” your
teammates kindly refrain from dramatic corrective action. This grace
period typically lasts at least until you finish reading this guide, and often
longer. So read in safety, learn well, and, when your duties commence, be
alert.

There’s a great future ahead—face it unseen with us!

Yours in night and shadow,

Bjorn-Hunzo Yamazaki-Lundstrom
CEO and First Ninja

5 www.ninjalistics.com

As a new Ninjalistics employee,
you’ll be excited to learn your
training has just begun! After your
years of disciplined practice in
the arts of disruption, now you
can look forward to the unique
challenges of the corporate
environment.
How many of your fellow assassins,
do you think, have achieved
the high honor of Enlightened
Employee Excellence in Holistic
Quality Optimization? You’d be
surprised—because Ninjalistics is
all about surprise! Our HoQuOp
EEE ratio of 34%* rivals the leading
firms in the hotly competitive
tactical realignment operations
market.
Your own path to EEE starts
with trust in your manager.
New employees sometimes
*
Front-line (non-managerial) non-
consultant salaried workers employed 2+
consecutive years. Annualized. Some figures
rounded.
6
YOUR NINJAS,
YOUR COMPANY
wonder why management
stresses the importance of
supply documentation. Why (the
newcomer thinks)—even while I’m
stealing past surveillance cameras
or perhaps even neutralizing a
security guard—why does my
manager require me to track the
expenditure of each shuriken
and each 100-gram portion of
Mesmerizing Powder?
In time, all team members
gradually comprehend, according
to their varying ability, the
importance of these forms. Just
as you slip through air ducts
to a target’s office and blow
anthrax through the grill, so
Ninjalistics management must
stealthily navigate the tortuous
paths of business and sidle
past the obstacles of cash flow,
client acquisition, and year-
on-year growth expectations
to subdue our crucial target,
profitability. And on that high
mission, supported by you and

our entire company of secondary
employees, management deploys
the key weapon of supply chain
management.
Soon you’ll meet another weapon
in the varied Ninjalistics business
arsenal, our strong commitment to
process. “It’s all about process!”
When your manager details the
steps you’ll take to requisition,
inventory, inspect, maintain, and
dispose of your weapons, and
to outline, amplify, execute, and
assess your mission’s properly
prepared and parameterized
functions, you’ll understand why
Ninjalistics enjoys its current
reputation.
But the most intriguing surprises
in your new position will certainly
come from your co-workers. Like
the dojo where you trained, our
company culture encourages
employees to highlight and correct
errors as needed. This fosters
Continuous Quality Improvement
(CQI) and superior reflexes. Greet
7 www.ninjalistics.com
New Ninja Orientation Handbook
corrective actions by your fellow
ninjas in the spirit in which they
are meant.
In the days and weeks ahead,
you’ll discover much more about
the Ninjalistics culture. In a sense,
your orientation ends only when
your co-workers decide it does!
USAGE NOTE
New hires sometimes point
out the dictionary plural of
“ninja” is itself “ninja,” and
not the substandard “ninjas.”
Nonetheless, in defiance of
pedantry, internal Ninjalistics
documents customarily use
the plural terms “ninja” and
“ninjas” interchangeably. It
is prudent to develop the
same flexibility, or at least
find peace and longer life by
maintaining a tactful silence.
 YOUR DUTIES

When one thinks of ninjas in the

whistleblowers, journalists,
hotly competitive world of covert
union leaders, lawyers, and other
tactical realignment operations,
troublemakers; sabotaging a rival’s
one invariably thinks of profit. Your
production; delivering threatening
highest duty is to earn profit, both
messages, verbal or otherwise;
for the client and for Ninjalistics.
stealing or protecting prototypes,
You earn profit by successfully
formulae, patent applications, and
completing your role in a tactical
similar proprietary intellectual
realignment operation. Ninjas who
property; fighting rival ninjas on
repeatedly fail to increase profits
a rooftop during a thunderstorm;
shall face the Chamber of 100
recycling environmental protesters;
Hungry Ghosts.
and discouraging customer
lawsuits.
The phrase “tactical realignment
operation” (TacROp) is key to our Perform your duties correctly and
business model and profitability. you will bring honor to yourself
Your duty is to realign, or put in and this organization. You are
its proper order, any resource, ninja—do not dishonor us!
internal or external, that is
hindering or may potentially hinder
client profitability. Realignment
may take many forms, including
(but not limited to) assassinating

8

WORKING UNDER
SUPERVISION
As a new ninja, your other duty is
to obey your supervisors and learn
from your coworkers. If you make
an error, take pleasure in knowing
your coworkers will quickly point
out the mistake to your manager
so you may learn how not to make
the same mistake twice. A common
mistake among new ninjas is to
consider this “being sold out”
by “jealous bastards” who are
“kowtowing” to a “pointy-haired
moron of a manager.” This is false.
You will learn that, even if it takes
one thousand strikes from the
Bamboo Rod of Correction.
TEAMS, MEETINGS
AND COMMITTEES
All ninjas work together in teams
composed of several specialists:
‘‘Intelligence and
Surveillance Specialist
‘‘ Weapons Specialist
‘‘ Field Team Insertion
Specialist
‘‘ Insertion Specialist
‘‘ General Specialist
Each team is led by a Manager and,
if necessary, a Senior Manager.
Teams will be assigned to specific
client contracts and expected to
perform profitably and honorably.
Those that fail either are subject
to disciplinary actions up to and
including the Triple Monkey Death
Grip. Ninjas are assigned a role
9 www.ninjalistics.com
New Ninja Orientation Handbook
based on aptitude test results, field
experience, education and training,
bribery, likeability, and how much
you remind your supervisor of
a younger version of him/her.
Regardless of your specialty, once
assigned, you may never move into
a new specialty without express
written permission of the Board of
Directors.
New ninjas on a team should be
referred to as Probationary Field
Agents and not The New Guy/
Girl, Walking Meat, or Hello Mister
Scapegoat. New hires cannot
specialize for the first two months
of employment, after which time
the new ninja has shown higher
than average life expectancy in the
hotly competitive covert tactical
realignment operations market and
is worthy of trust. You are ninja—
earn our trust!
Regular communication is vital
to maintaining success in the
hotly competitive covert tactical
realignment operations market,
and meetings are vital to regular
communication. Therefore, new
ninjas should look upon meetings,
conferences, and group activities as
important chances to communicate
and share information and not
lost productivity. Work days begin
with a Morning Team Meeting to
establish duties and culpability the
rest of the day, followed by the Pre-
Lunch Meeting, the Post-Lunch
Meeting, the “Sharpen the Saw”
Meeting, and finally, on occasion,
 Ninjalistics
the Let’s See Who Left
Early Meeting held at 4:45
PM.
Ninjalistics is dedicated
to soliciting and using
input from all employees
to improve our processes
and stay ahead in the hotly
competitive covert tactical
realignment operations market.
Ninjas are invited to join any of
the following committees upon
receipt of an invitation from the
Administration division:
‘‘Blame Disbursement
Committee
‘‘ Government Regulation
Abeyance Committee
‘‘ Internal Audit
Discreditation Committee
‘‘ External Audit Ambush
Committee
‘‘ Data and Numerical
Massage Committee
‘‘ Blood Feud Regulatory
Committee
‘‘ Media Avoidance
Committee
‘‘ Employee Control
Committee
‘‘ Birthday Committee
Hourly, salaried, and specialist
employees are eligible for
invitations only to the Birthday
Committee.
10
OPEN DOOR POLICY
Ninjas who discover a manager’s
open door should beware of traps.
Though details of the Ninjalistics
Open Door Policy (NODoP) are
available only to management,
new ninjas should know that doors
are to remain closed at all times.
Employees with concerns or ideas
should keep them to themselves
and not waste their supervisor’s
valuable time with barely coherent
ramblings.
There is one exception: Any ninja
who manages to capture their boss
with a clever but non-lethal trap
may have up to thirty minutes to
explain their proposal. Ninjas who
use lethal traps will be forced to
become a Interim Probationary
Supervisor with the responsibility
to complete the deceased
manager’s duties but without any
actual authority.
RETALIATION POLICY
Ninjas shall not face retaliation for
behaving properly (i.e. maximizing
our profitability) as long as they
follow all written and unwritten
policies, abide in good faith with
their job descriptions, and do not
bring dishonor upon a manager.
Dishonor includes but is not
limited to pointing out obvious
mistakes during a meeting, failing
to adhere to impossibly strict or
irrational project deadlines, and
disagreeing with anything. Any
 New Ninja Orientation Handbook

EMPLOYEE KEYCARDS
On your first day, you will be assigned a keycard. This laminated
plastic card authorizes access to certain areas based on level of
trust, authority, and ability to leap over pits filled with poisoned
spikes. Ninjas discovered in areas outside their authorization
are punished for being caught. Ninjas in areas outside their
authorization but not caught are doing it right. (Just don’t try this in
Black areas. Seriously.)

The employee’s area of authorized activity (AAA) is indicated by the

keycard color:

‘‘ White (for hourly ninjas) grants access only to floors 1-5,

including the Breakroom of Stale but Endless Bagels.

‘‘ Green (salaried ninjas) grants access to floors 1-12,

including the Water Cooler Koi Pond and the Meditation
Cubicles.

‘‘ Yellow (ninja specialists) grants access to floors 1-12, 14-

25, and the basement, including the Dojo of the Subtle Tiger
and the Supply Room of Many Surprises.

‘‘ Red (middle management) grants access to floors 1-12, 14-

30 and all sub-basements, including the Hidden Commissary
and the Inscrutable Salad Bar.

‘‘ Black authorization, restricted to senior management,

grants pervasive and lasting access to all floors and facilities,
including the Peacock Throne and the Executive Washroom
of 800 Delights.

‘‘ Paisley (Accounting department; exact terminology

subject to change) grants access to Floor 13 and ONLY
Floor 13, as stipulated in the Treaty of Interdepartmental
Harmony, signed May 9, 2007.

‘‘ Floor 13 does not exist, as per the aforementioned treaty.

11 www.ninjalistics.com
 Ninjalistics
violation of this retaliation
policy may result in a Blood
Feud.
PROBATIONARY
SUPERVISORS
Occasionally, a supervisor
cannot complete his/her
duties due to personal emergency
or death. That supervisor’s
supervisor, subject to approval
by that supervisor’s supervisor’s
supervisor, may appoint a
Probationary Supervisor from
the ranks of employees under the
original supervisor’s supervisory
power who cannot practically be
supervised by the supervisor’s
supervisor. A Probationary
Supervisor has supervisory
authority over employees covered
by the original supervisor’s
supervisory authority, with
the possible exception of any
supervisor’s employees who
themselves are supervisors;
please check with the supervisor’s
supervisor for clarification.
A Probationary Supervisor may
not have signatory power despite
having supervisory power if the
original supervisor’s signatory
power had been superseded by
that supervisor’s supervisor,
especially if the supersession of
signatory power contributed to
the loss of supervisory power
(or death) of the supervisor in
question. In that case, be advised
signatory power resides with the
supervisor’s supervisor, despite
12
BLOOD FEUDS
We encourage all employees
to resolve their conflicts
verbally and peacefully when
appropriate. However, there
are occasions when one’s
honor is at stake and only
single combat may resolve
the differences. Before
combat may take place,
ninjas must formally declare
a Blood Feud by completing
the proper paperwork and
posting a notice in all break
rooms. Also, ninjas must
ensure they have enough
leave time to accommodate
the fight and any subsequent
hospitalization.
Once announced, the
participants must agree upon
a venue and combat type.
Rooftops are a favorite venue
and should be reserved at
least one month in advance.
Combat is traditionally
done with katanas but may
include kamas, martial arts,
mechanical pencils, toner,
chess, go, karaoke player, or
similar device. Regardless of
the chosen method, one of
the participants will lose and
therefore die.
The results of any blood feud
combat are final, as death is
very final.

supervisory power residing with
the Probationary Supervisor.
In the event of the return of
the supervisor whose absence
originally required the transfer
of supervisory authority to the
Probationary Supervisor, the
originally absent supervisor
may review and supercede
the Probationary Supervisor’s
supervisory advisories, subject
to review and supercession by
the supervisor’s supervisor. Such
review and supercession must
occur within five (5) business days
of the originally absent supervisor’s
return, unless the originally
absent supervisor becomes
absent again before review and
supercession can occur. Otherwise
the supervisor’s supervisor may
at his or her discretion convene a
Supercession Intercession Session
(SIS) to implement supercessions
and repression of obsessions and
transgressions.
If the supervisor’s supervisor is
unable or unwilling to perform
the originally absent supervisor’s
duty of review and supercession
of the Probationary Supervisor’s
supervisory advisories, be advised
said supervisory advisories
will have bonafide supervisory
authority as if devised by the
originally absent supervisor
and not the Probationary
Supervisor, unless the supervisor’s
supervisor’s supervisor advises
otherwise.
13
New Ninja Orientation Handbook
For more details, see your
supervisor.
THE WORKPLACE
PERSONAL CONDUCT
Honor is extremely important
in the hotly competitive tactical
realignment operations market, but
not moreso than profits. All ninjas
are expected to suppress impulses
toward honor that might endanger
profitability. That said, ninjas must
behave honorably with everyone
at the same authorization level or
higher. Those below may be spat
on, ignored, or otherwise treated
appropriately to their station.
Regardless of station, all ninjas are
held to standards of behavior as
outlined in the Scrolls of Nomoku
Nagai, as modified by the Modern
Corporate Ninja Policy Binder and
the Senior Management Exemption
Memo. The principles of ethical
conduct for ninjas are outlined
below:
‘‘Ninjas are to place honor
and loyalty to the company
above laws and principles,
but not above profit.
‘‘ Ninjas shall not accept
bribes, gratuities, or other
reimbursements from
clients without involving
management appopriately.
‘‘ Ninjas shall not engage
in financial transactions
with any governmental
official without completing
www.ninjalistics.com
 Ninjalistics
appropriate expense
reports for bribes and
exorbitant gifts.
‘‘ Ninjas shall not
take excessive joy in
a target’s death nor
cause undue pain, unless
specified by contract.
‘‘ Ninjas shall act impartially
and only give preferential
treatment to entities with
sufficient money.
‘‘ Ninjas shall disclose to
their immediate supervisor
the waste, fraud, abuse,
and corruption of any
subordinate or coworker.
Ninjas shall not disclose the
above about any manager
or executive.
‘‘ Ninjas shall adhere to all
laws and regulations that
provide equal opportunity
for all workers regardless
of race, color, religion, sex,
national origin, age, or
handicap in both workplace
relationships and tactical
realignment operations.
Ninjas shall hire, work with,
and kill equally.
SAFETY & OCCUPATIONAL
HEALTH
The safety of visitors and
customers on our premises is of
the utmost importance, as any
damage to them could result in
lost profit opportunities. To that
end, ninjas are asked to practice
their deadly craft only in dojos,
breakrooms, and authorized
14
training areas. Ninjalistics tolerates
no potential threat to visitors.
This includes but is not limited to
putting contact poison on soda cans
in the lobby’s vending machines,
placing mines in the visitor parking
spaces, and disguising oneself as a
customer to avoid being attacked
by coworkers. Any accidental or
purposeful injury to a customer is
grounds for a hefty bounty on your
life, so never forget KOCS:
Keep Our Customers Safe!
Ninjalistics is dedicated to creating
a safe working environment
by assigning non-management
employees responsibility for their
own safety. Anyone who injures,
or allows an injury to occur to,
him- or herself may be subject
to disciplinary measures up to
and including aggravating the
injury with salt. Any workplace
injury must be reported to your
supervisor using the proper
paperwork. Injured ninjas without
proper paperwork shall not receive
emergency care. Note: Deathtraps
and corrective beatings by co-
workers are classified as training
and do not constitute an unsafe
environment.
Ninjalistics does not guarantee
the safety or health of any ninja,
especially new hires. You are
ninja—survive or don’t!

DRUG AND ALCOHOL TESTING
Ninjas are never permitted to
report to work or remain at work
with any perceptible level of
intoxication from either alcohol
or illegal drug use. Although
Malawian Laughing Toad venom
provides a novel and noteworthy
pharmaceutical experience,
supplies are for use in TacROps
only, and ninjas are subject to
disciplinary action if found stealing
some for the weekend.
Ninjalistics reserves the right
to test employees whenever
management detects signs of
intoxication, including but not
limited to repeated laughter, low
energy levels, high energy levels,
unconsciousness, or declaring
yourself Prince Regent of the
Copier Dwarves.
Exception: Ninjas may use
Drunken Boxing style only if
the style is pre-approved by
management following correct
paperwork.
INFO TECHNOLOGY SECURITY
All computer networks, hardware,
software, voice mail, PDA’s,
telephones, telephone lines, hard
drives, discs, monitors, radios,
calculators, abacuses and similar
equipment are the sole property
of Ninjalistics, Inc. and may only
be used for ninja-related business.
The use of e-mail, voice mail, paper
15
New Ninja Orientation Handbook
mail, and thoughts shall accord
with the following policies:
‘‘Use the username and
password assigned by IT,
and do not change either so
as to make them sensible or
memorable
‘‘ Do not display
information or images
that may be construed
as harassment by an
irrational and oversensitive
individual, who (note well)
is likely to be heavily armed
‘‘ Do not violate any
copyright law unless it
saves the company a bundle
and cannot be traced back
to us
‘‘ Do not introduce viruses
or similarly destructive
software, or monitoring
software without prior
approval of a supervisor
‘‘ Do not access websites,
open emails or take phone
calls from NinjCo or
another of our rivals
Ninjalistics reserves the right to
monitor ninjas’ access and usage of
technology without notice and post
the results on YouTube, unless it
would violate the site’s no porn
policy, in which case Ninjalistics
shall release it commercially.
You are ninja—don’t do anything
stupid!
www.ninjalistics.com
 Ninjalistics
SARBANES-OXLEY
AND ISO-9000
In order to remain
the leader in the hotly
competitive covert tactical
realignment operations
market, Ninjalistics is
dedicated to conforming to best
corporate practices. This includes
but is not limited to the Public
Company Accounting Reform and
Investor Protection Act (Sarbanes-
Oxley) and ISO-9000.
Sarbanes-Oxley requires all
ninjas who have signatory power
over financial disclosures to act
responsibly, and for our company
to maintain internal controls to
ensure honesty and accuracy
in financial record keeping.
Ninjalistics uses two systems to
encourage full, accurate and honest
disclosure. First, any employee
found disclosing misleading or
inaccurate financial information
will have their coffee spiked with
desert wasp venom. Second, any
employee found disclosing correct
and accurate financial information
will have their coffee spiked with
desert wasp venom. In accordance
with our “able to find” information
policy, all financial data should
be kept secret unless an external
auditor ninja can infiltrate our
company and escape with the
information.
Sarbanes-Oxley Section 1107
prohibits retaliation against
whistleblowers. Ninjalistics
16
exists, in part, to assassinate
whistleblowers before they can
hurt their company’s profits. You
do the math.
Although the hotly competitive
covert tactical realignment
operations market is primarily
service based, Ninjalistics is
committed to implementing ISO
9000 to ensure quality services for
all clients. As part of ISO 9000, all
ninjas are expected to memorize
the following quality policy
statement and repeat it whenever
someone mentions ISO 9000 even
in passing:
“We are ninjas committed to
providing quality covert tactical
realignment operations for our
corporate clients. We strike from
the darkness unseen, with perfect
accuracy and deadly force, to
protect our client’s profits. We
will meet or exceed all customer
expectations, not including the
really unreasonable ones, you
know what we’re talking about,
where they expect top shelf
service for almost nothing, and
then they complain about lunch
not being as good as last time, yes,
those people. We will complete all
required paperwork in a timely
and accurate manner. We will keep
up-to-date on the latest corporate
ninjutsu styles, equipment and
emerging trends. We dedicate
ourselves and our honor to this
statement and will commit seppuku
or at least find a patsy and behead
them instead should we fail.”

As a ninja who works directly on
tactical realignment operations
for our clients, you are a key
process in quality control. “It’s
all about process!” In accordance
with ISO 9000, your performance
shall be scrutinized, analyzed,
recorded, broken down, critiqued
and mocked on a daily basis. Rest
assured, this is to ensure that you
provide the highest quality services
to our clients and should not be
construed as micromanaging or
nitpicking. Ninjas who complain
about the amount of pre-operation,
in-operation and post-operation
paperwork and/or meetings shall
spend two hours in the Bleak
Chamber of Seventeen Hells.
Documentation of actual and
potential non-conformances, as well
as internal audits on our processes,
are on file in a locked, rusty cabinet
in an abandoned warehouse
somewhere in the American
Southwest. Directions are available
if you can make it past the Corridor
of Twenty-Two Deceptively Easy
Traps.
INFRACTIONS
To maintain our leadership in the
hotly competitive covert tactical
realignment operations market,
Ninjalistics established the Code
of Honorable Conduct (CoHoC)
as part of the mandated Best
Practices (BePRA) to regulate
employee behavior on and off the
job. While we will not list every
offense detailed in the CoHoC,
17
New Ninja Orientation Handbook
here are some of the more
common infractions and their
typical consequences.
Minor Infractions (MinI) which
are subject to learning strikes with
the Bamboo Rod of Correction:
‘‘Receiving a Severity-Three
complaint from a client
‘‘ Not bowing low enough to
a superior
‘‘ Using incorrect grammar
‘‘ Finding important data
hidden by supervisors
‘‘ Not finding important
data hidden by supervisors
‘‘ Doing anything
incorrectly, sloppily or too
slowly
Dishonorable Infractions (DisI)
which are subject to reprimands
and/or time in a Chamber:
‘‘Receiving a Severity-Two
complaint from a client
‘‘ Tardiness or leaving early
without submitting correct
paperwork in advance
‘‘ Wasting paper
‘‘ Violating security
authorizations
‘‘ Filing a complaint against
a supervisor
Seppuku Infractions (SeppI)
which are subject to committing
seppuku:
‘‘Receiving a Severity-One
complaint from a client
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 Ninjalistics
‘‘ Photocopying body
parts for fun
‘‘ Using company
resources for personal
gain, including
personal email accounts
‘‘ Allowing
government auditors into
the building
Terminating Infractions (TermI)
which are subject to dismissal and/
or death:
‘‘Not committing seppuku in
response to a seppuku-level
infraction
‘‘ Using all allowed leave in
one fiscal year
‘‘ Parking in the invisible
parking spaces without
authorization Black
DISASTER PLAN
Should a disaster occur, employees
will be notified on an authority
basis. Management will be notified
first to allow time for their safe
exit from the premises or to enter
the Chrysanthemum Bunker.
18
Once safe, they will notify other
employees via email, voice mail
or note tied to an arrow that it’s
time to evacuate the building in
an orderly manner. Exit routes
have been clearly marked on
Evacuation Plan Maps that are
hidden somewhere on every floor,
and illuminated exit signs have
been removed from the building
to prevent corporate spies an easy
egress with our secrets. Those that
find the exits have the Darwinian
right to escape any disaster; those
that don’t obviously lied on their
resumes. Ninjas may not use the
Ancient Art of Mystical Smoke
to teleport to a safe location
without previously completing and
submitting the proper paperwork
to gain approval for using ninjutsu
skills for personal reasons on
company time.
An attack en masse by rival covert
tactical realignment operations
firms is not considered a disaster,
and all ninjas are expected to
defend their cubicles to the death.
YOUR CAREER
DEVELOPMENT
Ninjalistics leads the hotly
competitive tactical realignment
operations market in promoting
managers in-house. New ninjas
who continue to show dedication,
honor, no trace of ethics and a
willingness to ignore friends and
family for months at a time are
guaranteed advancement. (This is
not a guarantee.) We offer training
seminars and time in our dojos for
ninjas to hone their craft in their
spare, non-company time. We do
not encourage the assassination
of a supervisor to make room for
further career development. If this
should happen, we will definitely
investigate thoroughly and not
just ignore the event. This means
supervisors have nothing to worry
about from eager, talented, young
ninjas in their departments.
19
PAY AND LEAVE
Ninjalistics recognizes three types
of employment: hourly, salaried
and executive.
‘‘Hourly: Paychecks are
issued semi-monthly. State
and federal laws entitle
hourly employees to
overtime pay for all hours
worked over forty (40)
in a defined work week.
Overtime is paid at 1.5
times the regular rate. Any
hourly ninja who claims
overtime faces dismissal.
Hourly ninjas receive
five (5) sick days, one (1)
personal day and several
holidays. (Holidays change
each year and are not
announced ahead of time.
Employees must guess.)
‘‘ Salaried: Paychecks
semi-monthly. State and
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 Ninjalistics
federal laws do not cover
salaried employees, so
we will work you to
death and pay you the
same. Any salaried
ninja who claims
overtime faces derision.
Salaried ninjas receive ten
(10) sick days, fourteen
(14) paid vacation days,
paid holidays as announced
and one (1) day to honor
ancestors.
‘‘ Executive: Paychecks
issued upon verbal request
in the amount desired.
Buckets of cash and blank
money orders are available
in the Executive Chambers.
Executives receive twenty
(20) sick days, fifty-six (56)
paid vacation days and the
authority to retroactively
declare any missed day a
paid holiday.
Unused leave does not accrue
and is lost forever. All ninjas may
request an unpaid leave of absence
if they are willing to be fired.
Ninjas who try the old “I was at
work all day but you didn’t see me
because I’m that good” excuse
will be directed to the Chamber of
Unpredictable Pain.
BENEFITS
Current benefit plans include
Dental*, Health**, Accidental
Death & Dismemberment***,
Disability**** and a Tax Sheltered
20
Annuity program. Please visit your
Human Resources representative
for specific plan details and
documentation. Note: If there
is any conflict between this
document and the terms of any
benefit plan described in the plan’s
documentation, the option that is
cheaper to the company shall be
controlling.
COBRA
Due to an unfortunate accident
several years ago, there is a
venomous king cobra loose in the
building. It inhabits the ventilation
shafts and, often, filing cabinets.
It would count as a benefit if you
avoid angering it.
REIMBURSEMENT FOR MOVING
AND INCIDENTAL EXPENSES
Employees are strongly advised
not to inquire about this.
* Dental does not include caps, fillings,
braces, camouflaged poison capsules or
routine visits.
** Health does not include wellness visits,
vaccines or poison control.
*** Death or dismemberment through
incompetence is not an accident.
**** This benefit does not apply to ninjas,
who should be skilled enough not to need it.
 New Ninja Orientation Handbook

HELPFUL HINTS

Moving to a new company can be overwhelming, and some new

ninjas have trouble fitting in or surviving. Here are a few ways to
ease your transition:

‘‘Always pour your own coffee. Never offer to get a coffee for
someone else unless you plan to poison them.
‘‘ Sometimes we lie to you. Other times we tell the truth. You
may never know which is which.
‘‘ The boss is not necessarily always right and values your
insight. Speak up at meetings!
‘‘ Again, sometimes we lie to you.
‘‘ If you kill a coworker, make sure you have either a good
reason or a patsy. And be sure to have your paperwork in
order. Maintenance hates finding a body in a closet without
knowing ahead of time!
‘‘ “It’s all about process!” Make sure you know your role in
every process and do it correctly. Don’t be that guy/gal who
ruins it for everyone.
‘‘ Clutter is the enemy of serenity. That is why we offer
few office supplies and make you fill out forms for every
requisition, and not because we’re a bunch of tightwads.
‘‘ Listen to your coworkers and managers! They offer
invaluable advice. Plus, you might overhear their plots
against you.
‘‘ A respectful silence can speak more eloquently than any
explanation, so shut it.
‘‘ Set goals for yourself. Then make sure these goals are
aligned with our company’s goals. If not, discard your goals
before they make you unhappy as they weigh heavy on your
mind, unfulfilled and glaring in their emptiness. Trust us,
you’ll be happier in the end.
‘‘ Ninjas are deadly quiet. Remember that the next time you
get a “great” idea.
‘‘ Be aware of your weaknesses before your coworkers figure
them out. This might save you a lot of reconstructive surgery.
‘‘ Do not be afraid to ask questions! —Unless they are stupid
questions, in which case it’s best to forget them before we all
start laughing at you.

21 www.ninjalistics.com
 Ninjalistics
FORMS
Ninjalistics proudly stands at the
forefront of the hotly competitive
covert tactical realignment
operations market, thanks in
no small part to its control over
information and costs. You bring us
honor when you serve our clients
honorably, but there is more to
being a corporate ninja than tactical
TacROps. Ninjalistics employees
have a sacred duty, passed down
from inscrutable ninja master to
student from the days of feudal
Japan, to maintain control of costs.
That is why all employees must
complete all forms related to their
daily tasks. It allows Ninjalistics
managers to accurately assess
how the company is performing
and should not be construed as
bureaucratic waste or annoying
paperwork. You maintain your
honor as a corporate ninja by
completing forms Correctly,
On-time and Neatly. As our
Administration division often says,
“Remember your CONs!” (Please
note that any ninja heard using a
variation of the phrase, “There’s
22
APPENDICES
no pro’s to using company forms,
only CONs” will be forced into the
Chamber of Incorrect Paths.)
Each form comprises sheets color-
coded to indicate the receiving
office, department or division. In
the past, ninjas had to press hard
enough when completing a form
to ensure the data reached the last
carbon copy. Today, Ninjalistics has
moved into the digital age. Ninjas
simply type data into an easy-to-
complete PDF file and then print
out copies on different colored
paper.
The following list should guide
ninjas in dispersal of colored
forms. A particular form may not
require all colors. Remember to
print only the colors needed for
proper distribution of that form.
Distributing a form incorrectly
is considered insubordination;
the Ad-Hoc Inter-Departmental
Cross-Service Committee for
Improving Teamwork, Efficiency,
Morale and Cost Management
(ADIDCSCITEMCM) has
determined there is no chance for
accidental error in distributing

forms because it’s simple if you just
try hard enough.
‘‘White: Your supervisor
(but not probationary
supervisor)
‘‘ Light Blue: Operations
‘‘ Cornflower Blue:
Department and/or
Division head
‘‘ Grey: Finance
‘‘ Yellow: Your records
‘‘ Goldenrod: Legal
‘‘ Golden Yellow:
Information Management
‘‘ Saffron: Security
‘‘ Tangerine: Your
probationary supervisor
(but not supervisor)
‘‘ Golden Wheat: Client
‘‘ Amber: Sales
‘‘ Mustard: Recycling
bin for Recycling Process
Analysis
‘‘ Flax: Finance
‘‘ Pink: HR
‘‘ Paisley: Accounting
‘‘ Black: Administration
Divisions and
departments
Ninjalistics stays ahead in the hotly
competitive tactical realignment
operations market thanks to the
hard work, dedication and honor
of the employees in every division
and department. With the obvious
exception of executives, no division
is more important than another—
we are all a team, working together
to ensure corporations their justly
deserved maximum profit.
23
New Ninja Orientation Handbook
Board of Directors
Chief Executive Officer
Administration Division
‘‘ Security
‘‘ Legal
–– Liability Control
–– Lawsuit Discouragement
Finance Division
‘‘ Accounting
–– Payroll & Deductions
–– Expense Control
‘‘ Unreasonable Perks
Human Resources Division
‘‘ Dojo Management
Information Management
Division
‘‘ Paperwork Generation
‘‘ Paperwork Processing
‘‘ Paperwork Archiving
‘‘ Information Technology
–– Data Obfuscation
–– Data Destruction
‘‘ Research and Design
(Paperwork)
Operations Division
‘‘ Tactical Realignment
–– Assassination Solution
Services
‘‘ Strategic Realignment
‘‘ Random Realignment
‘‘ Gear Assignment &
Collection
Sales Division
‘‘ Marketing & Client
Manipulation
‘‘ Customer Service
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 Ninjalistics
–– Customer
Assassination
Maintenance Division
‘‘ Facilities
Management
–– Unusual Chambers
Management
‘‘ Body Disposal
MAPS
Maps are only available to those
with authorization Black. If you
are a new ninja and must read
this manual, then you do not
have authorization Black. Please
ask around for where to locate
particular rooms or spaces.
Ninjalistics, Inc. undertakes no
responsibility for damage incurred
by falling into cunningly laid traps
while trying to find a particular
room or space. Ninjas are expected
to keep their wits about them at all
times regardless of how badly they
need to use the bathroom. You are
ninja—hold it in!
ACRONYMS AND
ABBREVIATIONS
ADIDCSCITEMCM: Ad-Hoc Inter-
Departmental Cross-Service
Committee for Improving
Teamwork, Efficiency, Morale
and Cost Management.
BePRA: Best Practices.
CoHoC: Code of Honorable
Conduct.
24
CON: Correctly, On-Time, and
Neatly. A guideline for
completing Ninjalistics
paperwork.
DisI: Dishonorable Infraction. An
offense that brings dishonor to
the company but not enough
to require ritual suicide.
EEE: Enlightened Employee
Excellence.
HoQuOP: Holistic Quality
Optimization.
KOCS: Keep Our Customers Safe.
A helpful phrase to remind
us not to injure or kill our
customers.
MEET: Meeting.
MinI: Minor Infraction. A small
offense that can often be
corrected by being hit with a
bamboo rod until you learn
not to do it again.
NODoP: Ninjalistics Open Door
Policy.
SeppI: Seppuku Infraction. An
offense so grievous that ritual
suicide is the only corrective
action available.
TacROp: Tactical Realignment
Operation.
TermI: Termination Infraction. An
offense punishable by your
death.
 New Ninja Orientation Handbook

BRANDED MERCHANDISE
Through our website, www.ninjalistics.com, the Ninjalistics marketing
department retails T-shirts, mugs, award certificates, and other
merchandise adorned with the company’s attractive logo and glyph.

Company policy is to compete on quality. Our T-shirts are top-quality ring-

spun cotton. Mugs are huge, and made of high-quality ceramic. And so on.

Marketing is keenly aware of price signaling issues. For instance, low

prices connote (to some consumers) low quality. Consequently, for our
premium merchandise we charge a premium price.

However, Ninjalistics employees, and others who have earned sufficient

trust to enjoy their company, may enjoy a substantial discount off
the price of all merchandise orders. Simply enter the discount code
IMNINJACOOL in the appropriate space on the final page of your order
form. Other temporary discount codes may become available from time to
time; consult the company website for details.

NINJALISTICS.COM
The company website offers free downloadable forms, award
certificates, business cards, letterhead, and the current version of this
handbook. The site adds new content every business day, so visit often.

‘‘Monday: “The Monday Chuck,” by Ninjalistics marketing

executive Chuck Chockley, summarizes ninja-related goings-on
around the web and previews the forthcoming week.
‘‘ Tuesday: “Top Story” article(s) present Ninjalistics company
news of interest even to lower employees.
‘‘ Wednesday: The webcomic “Etiquette Ninjas” offers advice to
cubicle workers on many confounding interpersonal issues.
‘‘ Thursday: “Short Cuts” presents happenings in the company
and in the hotly competitive tactical realignment operations
industry.
‘‘ Friday: New forms and certificates, such as Ninja Assassin
Employment Application, and the coveted Ninja Innovation Award.

All employees and interested outside ninjas are invited to visit and enjoy
www.ninjalistics.com.

25 www.ninjalistics.com
 www.ninjalistics.com

Text by WJ MacGuffin and Allen Varney. Graphics by Andy Fitzpatrick.

Copyright © 2008 Allen Varney and Greg Ingber. This booklet, its text, and all graphics within
are hereby released under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike
license, as described at www.creativecommons.org/licenses. All commercial rights reserved,
unless you have deep pockets, in which case we’re listening. Individuals or companies wanting to
reproduce the content herein for profit must ask for permission in writing before said use, then
take us out to a nice restaurant and, after dinner, a classy night club or piano bar.

Trademark notice
“Ninjalistics,” as well as other marks indicated on our website and forms, are (or eventually will
be) trademarks of Ninjalistics, a company organized, or soon to be organized when we get around
to it, under the laws of no less an entity than the United States of America. Though we lobby
strongly against petty regulatory nanny-state meddling that tries to limit natural profit and growth
potential in the unbridled free market, we of course support all state and federal laws that protect
our rights, or anyway the rights we’ll have in due course.
All trademarks, patents, and copyrights are registered (or will eventually be registered when
we find the time and a good lawyer) with the United States, European Union, Japan, and other,
even cooler international areas and are governed by the laws we choose to recognize. Registered
or soon-to-be-registered marks may not be used to promote any product that is unaffiliated
with Ninjalistics and therefore does not earn us some profit. Violations will not be reported to
appropriate authorities. Instead, we will send ninjas to your home, where they will make their
presence known with unnecessary zeal.